It was on Wikipedia so it must be true.

in Random Crap

Conversation in the car with my husband:

me:  I can’t understand you when you’re mumbling like the Hamburglar.

Victor: The Hamburglar didn’t mumble.  He said “Robble-Robble.”

me:  Yeah.  And that’s incoherent mumbling.

Victor:  No.  It’s him saying what he’s doing.  He’s robbing you.  Of hamburgers.

me:  Oh my God.

Victor:  You just now got that, didn’t you?

me:  I thought he was just saying nonsense words.  Why would he use “robble” as a verb?  Why wouldn’t he say “burgle, burgle“?  That way  it makes sense and also the word “burger” is almost in it.  That’s just basic marketing.

Victor:  Maybe because he’s not a burglar.  A burglar robs you when you’re not home.  A robber is more like a mugger.  More violent.

me:  Huh.  The Hamburglar was made of burgers, wasn’t he?  Doesn’t that make him a cannibal?

Victor:  No.  You’ve confused the Hamburglar with Mayor McCheese, haven’t you?  Classic error.  The Hamburglar was the only human in the group.

me: And Ronald McDonald.

Victor:  No.  Clowns aren’t human.

me:  Agree to disagree.

Victor:  I just never understood why Mayor McCheese was the Mayor but then sometimes he was also the arresting officer.  That seems like a conflict in judicial law.

me:  Right?!  And he carried around that big police stick to hit people with.  McDonald’s was kind of fucked up, now that I think about it.  And what the hell was Grimace?  A stain?

Victor:  He was a shake.

me:  A purple shake?

Victor:  And he was called “Grimace” because that’s what you do when you drink a shake too fast.  You grimace.

me:  It’s weird how much you’ve thought about this.

Victor:  It’s weird that you claim to be a writer and yet you don’t recognize “robble” as a verb.

me:  Hang on.  I’m looking all this up on the internet.  Oh, holy shitsnacks.

Victor: What?

me:  Prepare yourself.  “A large, purple character was first introduced in November 1971 as the “Evil Grimace”. In Grimace’s first two appearances, he was depicted with two pairs of arms with which to steal milkshakes.”

Victor:  SEE.  I KNEW MILKSHAKES WERE INVOLVED SOMEHOW.

me: Stop yelling.  Then in 1974, Grimace lost two of his arms and his evilness and became a simpleton whose brother might have been “the king of all Grimaces.”

Victor:  I totally want a t-shirt that says “KING OF ALL GRIMACES”.

me:  God, who doesn’t?  Apparently, Mayor McCheese was dropped from the line after he was sued by H.R. Pufnstuf for being too similar.  Hoy crap, this is like TMZ for puppets.

Victor:  You’re just making shit up now.

me:  It’s on the internet so it’s real.  OH!  And Officer Big Mac was the guy with the constable uniform.  He just looked like Mayor McCheese but they were totally different characters.  So that’s a relief, huh?

Victor:  I’ve been losing sleep over it.

me:  Also, apparently Ronald McDonald had a dog named “Sundae” who was extremely sarcastic and negative, spoke in a monotone, and hated ticks, adventures, and the Hamburglar, whom he referred to as “Bun-Head.”  And he was portrayed by that guy who played “Mini-Me” on Austin Powers.

Victor: I don’t believe any of this.

me:  It’s totally true and all part of the McDonald’s canon.  Ronald McDonald had an unmedicated, angry, depressive dog who I think was probably racist.  If burgers are classified as a race, that is.

Victor:  This is one of the strangest discussions we’ve ever had.

me:  No.  Not even close.

PS.  You are welcome, Victor.

291 thoughts on “It was on Wikipedia so it must be true.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. This is exactly the kind of conversation I would have if I had another person like this to have a conversation like this. With.

  3. And to think I lived my whole childhood eating Happy Meals and not knowing any of this stuff! From now on I’m sticking to Wendys – much less complicated.

  4. I love how your brain works. Now, go back and look at some of the ‘realities’ of bugs bunny. That shit will blow your mind!

  9. Haaaah! I totally never got the “Robble, robble” thing either! Always just thought it was a strange noise. Thanks for clearing that up, Victor. Also… yeah… you’ve thought about this too much.

  13. no no no… the shirt needs Grimace with a crown on his head! 🙂 lol and I’m still giggling… at work…. getting looked at funny… so thanks for that! 😛

  14. I have a pillow set of McDonald land… sleep on it every night. It will never be the same.

  15. My head hurts just reading about your conversations. I can only imagine the agony I’d feel if I were in the same room with you.

  17. OMG!! I never knew “robble” was what he was say – or that it was a verb! This just made my day!

  18. I love this! I also love that Rosie O’Donnell was reading it. HAHA!

  19. haha I have learned SO much from your blog over the years!!!! I’m not sure what it says about me or your blog, but take it as the compliment that it was intended as!! I grew up during the late 80’s early 90’s when the Play House was a huge hit, how did I never know this about McD’s … Now they have become nazi’s and removed all the play houses because they don’t want kids to have fun and run off the calories they just consumed… but it is all good because they put apple pieces in with the kids meal…

  22. And now I can read fiction tonight because I have totally learned something new today! Love the conversations you have with Victor. My husband won’t have conversations like this with me.

  24. I really wish you lived in the Pennsylvania/Delaware area, Jenny. My husband and I would totally be best friends with you and yours.

  27. He’s right, clowns aren’t human. They are satan’s minions designed to lure us into a false sense of security with the perceived fun loving goofy nature. Then they steal your soul, your credit card number and then they find where you live and poison your pets. I don’t like clowns.

  29. Shirt should be purple, but not Barney purple, make it Grimace purple, which is pretty much like a grape popsicle purple, right?

  30. But he was named The Hamburglar…..so he WAS a burglar….therefore, according to Victor’s argument, he should have said “Burgle, Burgle” instead of “Robble, Robble”……right???
    Just when I thought I had all the McDonaldland characters figured out….you throw this curve ball. 🙂

  31. I love your conversations with Victor! I read them aloud to my husband, and we crack up! We have had similar conversations in the car, while driving long distances. I think it has something to do with being trapped in a small space with another person that makes these happen.

  32. I’m not sure what part of this made my heart the happiest. But I do enjoy a good vocabulary word. I’m going to “robble” all day (but I’m only robbling the word).

  33. Grimace had extra arms? Like an insect? Who stole shakes? Why were so many of these characters designed to steal things? Did the McFry guys steal fries? Why can’t I stop asking questions?

  34. I grew up obsessed with Happy Meals and never realized how twisted the McDonald’s world was! Then again, I was also crazy about the Smurfs (little blue people who live in brightly colored mushrooms, and only one female in the entire population) and Scooby-Doo (4 kids in a psychadelic van, one of whom consumes whole tables of food at once and then snacks on dog biscuts). Nothing twisted there, right?

    To my fellow geeks, I watched my first two Dr. Who episodes last night. I get it now.

  35. Love this post! I laughed out loud many times at my desk reading this!

  41. Zoinks! I always thought that he was saying “gobble-gobble” because he was eating the hamburgers terribly fast, so that he wouldn’t get caught with them. I remembered the police officer was different than the mayor — I think he also spoke with an Irish accent, because he was “Big Mac.” Or maybe that’s racist. And OMG, YES!! to whoever brought up the Fry Guys…

  42. I worked an event at Hamburger U once, and was somewhat startled to discover that the Hamburgler was a girl.

    Though I totally knew that the cop and Mayor McCheese were 2 different guys.

  43. You need a picture of Victor in the King of all Grimaces shirt. Wearing a hamburglar mask, of course.

  44. I hate to admit that I never would have put this stuff together if you and Victor hadn’t discussed it. Thank you for expanding my mind today.

  45. i swear when you wrote, “it’s on the internet so it’s real,” i thought you were gonna link to that state farm commercial where the girl met a ‘french model’ online.

  47. My friend had a boyfriend that looked like a beatnik version of the Grimace. We called him Grimnik.

  50. A few years ago I met a man who claimed that he used to be one of the Ronald McDonalds when they first opened up their new restaurants in the 1960s. He was a dry witted, sarcastic older gentlemen who I would be afraid to let around a child of mine! I don’t know what he was like before his McDonald’s stint…. but he is pretty fucked up now.

  53. OK. here’s the deal. McD’s sucks the BIG one! If you just talk about the ‘toon character it’s ok. I just hope you don’t actually eat that crap, well, too often.
    kisses
    me

  55. OMG, I just learned that the hamburglar was voiced by Scooby Doo (Frank Welker).

    I hope you are happy. I now have a mental image of the hamburglar going around saying “Ruh Roh”.

  56. I kind of want to agree with Victor about the idea that clowns are not human. I’m probably wrong and you are, thus, probably right. Or left.

  59. David, I would have this conversation also….if I had someone to make this conversation with…

    Usually i just have these conversations in my head, which makes no sense since I argue both sides.

  61. that was by far my favorite conversation between you and Victor! Took me back to the good ol days when McDonalds was frying their fries in hamburger fat. Yummmm!

  62. Omigosh, victor has finally slid all the way down the rabbit hole with you. Congratulations!

  63. That is so fuckawesome.

    Slightly related: Somebody once called the library because she was having an argument with her friend as to whether “burgled” was a word. It is.

  64. Wow, this is awesome. I just stared at that purple thing this week while taking my kid to a McDonald’s Playspace and had no idea what it was. They must’ve been adding LSD to their Shamrock shakes.

  65. And here I always thought the Hamburgler was some distant relative of Golum’s for that weird throat mumbly thing.

    Also, Clowns aren’t human…particuarly when they have sharp teeth. Or guffaw.

  69. For a long time the McDonaldland Cookies* kept the four-armed Grimace cookie pattern, which always confused me as a kid because I never really knew him as the four-armed version, except perhaps in my nightmares.

    (* – I don’t think these exist any more, but as I recall Grimace was the only full-bodied cookie, and all the other characters were just their heads. So you could slowly dismember Ronald’s face by eating him. I should probably talk to a counselor about that memory.)

  73. Awww, I totally miss the McDonald’s Playlands!!! They were such a treat to be taken to as a kid. 😀 Thanks for the memories Jenny!

  78. Ho. Lee. Shit. Robble, robble? I had no idea. I’m relieved they only serve burgers. I’d had to see what Mr. McWeiner would’ve looked like…. Likely would’ve involved a trench coat and bare buns.

  79. I always thought Mayor McCheese and Officer Big Mac were one in the same. Learn something new every day. Too bad its about 30 years late for me to learn this.

  81. You know, I thought the bit about Sundae was going over the top, and that part you were just making up.

    That will learn me. Everything I have ever read on this site is true, isn’t it?

  82. holy Shitsnacks, Batman … you’ve just given me a MisterMisty Headache —

  85. We used to have a game for the Nintendo called McKids where you played one of two normal kids who had to traverse the strange world that included Grimace so it HAD to be based on McDonaldland. What a sordid history it has though!

  88. I totally want to wear you but not in that actually remove your skin and and walk around with your titties over my shoulders as accessories kind of way.

    The other GOOD wear-you kind of way.

  89. I know the HR Pufenstuf song:
    HR Pufenstuff
    He’s your friend when things get rough
    HR Pufenstuff
    Can’t get a little cause you can’t get enough.

    Whatever that means, it was burned into my little brain somehow.

  90. Can’t believe I made the same classic error about the Hamburglar being a cannibal. Glad that’s not true. But seriously, the burger was the MAYOR? Has McDonalds been indulging in biting criticism of local government ALL THIS TIME AND WE DIDN’T NOTICE? These are deep questions…

  92. My hubby and I once had a conversation about how Grimace looks like something you’d buy at a skeezy sex shop and his name is what you would totally do if presented with a giant purple butt-plug….

  93. If I was drinking milk, I would’ve totally snorted it out of my nose while I was reading this….

  94. The sad thing is I remember all these characters, and was going to use my comment to correct your Mayor McCheese confusion with Officer Big Mac. Thank god for the internets, am I right?

    Oh, and “Clowns aren’t human” “agree to disagree”? For some reason that made me laugh out loud.

  99. Once, out with friends, we saw a huge Ronald McDonald balloon over a McDonalds. I asked about Grimace and wanted the “E: True Hollywood Story” about where he is now. There isn’t much acting work for a purple blob. Is he OK? Is he a recluse? Is he in rehab? Where did it all go so tragically wrong? (Celebrity often does)
    Consequently, my friends made me a T-shirt that has a picture of Grimace on it and underneath “Where’s Grimace?” I am still looking.

  101. I love this post. It has answered so many of my unanswered questions about the McDonalds characters. You’re like a teacher about nonsense that we all want to know about.

  102. I completely have a picture of me in the a Mayor McCheese Jail playground. I also remember that the little ride on rocking toys were the fry kids. I don’t think we have pictures of those though.

  103. I have a cat named Sundae. I will never look at her the same. Thanks a lot.

  106. OMG thank you for this. I was just talking with a friend about HR Pufnstuf a week or so ago. He couldn’t remember what it was. I used to love that show and still believe it gave me the equivalent of LSD flashbacks even when I had never done that (allegedly have done many other things however which may or may not have influenced my HR Pufnstuf nightmares).

    For all the fans out there: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obxfuFrUTzg
    God dang that’s creepy. Love it!

  107. So kinda related, but not exactly so…..
    McDonald’s was founded by Richard “Dick” and Maurice “Mac” McDonald……..
    Only one of them had a menu item named after him…..the Big Mac. I wonder why they didn’t want to have a Big Dick on the menu??? 🙂

  109. I still have one of the McDonald land videos that they sold during the 90’s – they go on an adventure to Grimice Island. And you are right about Sundae- he is in it. My kids LOVED those videos- I wish I had all of them because they were quite entertaining- half cartoon, half regular costumed actors. You totally need to check it out.

  111. First time I’ve read-out-loud one of Jenny’s post to my kids. They sat enraptured. A proud momma moment.

  112. One of my college professors went to school with a guy who played Ronald McDonald. She said she wasn’t the least bit surprised when she heard about his clown gig.

  115. From now on, when people want to set me up on a date and they ask me what my “type” is, I’m going to direct them to this post and when they have finished reading it I will say “My type is someone I can have a conversation like that with…and they don’t run away screaming afterward.”. So thanks for that.

  116. I knew Pufnstuff was a money-grubber! I think there should be a McDonalds musical – kind of like Avenue Q, though, not for kids. You and Victor could totally write that.

  117. “Holy Shitsnacks” ??!! I love it ! Cannot wait to use that one at work tomorrow!

  118. Do you remember the whole campaign that had dancing talking trash cans signing, “Don’t forget to feed the wastebaskets.”. I could never figure out why they didn’t make the trash cans in the sores look like the ones in the commercial. That would have made so much sense. If you can make sense of large characterized fast food and related concepts.

  119. I always wondered why Grimace was well…a big purple scary thing. He was my least favorite of all the others. I liked Hamburglar the best really. I wonder if the one you like the most says something about you.

  121. So if the Big Mac is suppose to be their “premium” burger, why wasn’t the Big Mac Mayor instead of Mayor McCheese? Wouldn’t Big Mac be more of a mayoral figure than just a regular cheese burger? And is Mayor McCheese just a cheese burger or a quarter pounder?

  122. “Clowns aren’t human.” Score one for Victor!

    Also, who knew there was an Uncle O’Grimacey?!? Not me, that’s who. St. Patrick’s Day is five days away. St. Paddy’s pub crawl is four days away. I plan to spend both of these occasions paying homage to Grimace’s Irish uncle. May he RIP.

  125. Eight weeks ago, I might have fallen and struck my head leading to a concussion, memory loss and some other pretty serious soft tissue injuries. OR I might have been struck on the head by person or persons unknown. (Even though we live out in the middle of nowhere and it’s freezing cold here so nobody just wanders around outside). My husband calls this “the Hamburgler theory”. I swear.

  126. This sounds like discussions my husband and I have about pop culture icons. My kids just shake their heads in dismay.

  127. I always thought the”robble, robble” was the noise hamburglar made when he was out of breath.

  129. I thought Grimace was a taste bud. In fact yes, he is.

    Interestingly, spell check changed taste bud into a tartare bud, which made me picture raw Grimace on a cracker. The raw treat that tastes you back. Tell THAT to Victor, I dare you.

  130. My husband and I HAVE HAD THIS CONVERSATION. I thought Grimace was a purple hash brown and was mocked to tears. And he couldn’t explain the fry kids in any way I found acceptable.

  131. And I youtubed it, so now it’s even MORE true. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HH4vBJ2skq0

    Of course, I wasted (donated) several minutes of my life looking at various McDonaldland videos. It’s interesting to see how the characters evolved over the years. Many of them–like Hamburglar–get a serious makeover.

  132. Seriously? No one noticed this???

    “Additional family were revealed in a McDonaldland VHS tape The Legend of Grimace Island: Grimace had an unnamed mom, an unnamed dad, a grandma named “Winky”, a great-great grandma named Jenny Grimace, and might have had a brother named “King John Bailey”, who was the king of all Grimaces. ”

    Could it be? Is our sweet Jenny related to Grimace and named after his great-great-Grandma?

  133. I’ve repressed Ronald McDonald and his goon squad…..back in the 70’s when I was a little kid I made my mom take me to see the “clown” and the other charaters. It was a hot sunny Southern Californian summer day. We stood in line for at least an hour to do the meet and greet tour. The Hamburgular thought he’d be funny when he snuck up on my and tried to grab a balloon out of my hand, not amused at all. Mayor McCheese tripped in his costume going up the steps to get on the platform and his head popped off scaring me and a couple hundred kids. But the worst of it all, Ronald McDonald completely ignored me and hit on my mom after standing hours in the hot sun. Bastards….after that I hated McDonalds…come to think of it I didn’t like watching HR Puffinstuff after that either.

    I didn’t remember any of this stuff until I read this blog. Funny how certain things can trigger an memory.

  135. I never put much thought into the McDonald’s characters. Now the nightmares will start. Thanks. A Lot.

  137. This is the craziest thing….I *just* looked at that same Wikipedia page the other day! I’m so happy to know that I’m not the only one thinking about (and researching) this stuff!!

  139. Although I appreciate and enjoyed this banter between the two of you (and am disturbed by how closely it resembles conversations I have with my husband), I would be remiss if I said I wasn’t at least a little disappointed you failed to mention one of my favorite characters: Captain Crook.

    What other fast food “restaurant” had a gang of characters that included a robber/burglar, clown guy, racist dog and a pirate? Was McDonaldland even on water? Why do I have a feeling it was landlocked?

    Captain Crook was one disturbing dude, while simultaneously being a copyright violation of Captain Hook. Perhaps that’s what made him so creepy.

  140. Hopefully, McDonald’s will consider the old adage there’s no such thing as bad publicity. Before they involve the lawyers.

  141. The dog should eat the one dressed as a hamburger as the Hamburgler tries to steal him.
    And then the purple shake spooges all over everything.
    Did I just take that too far?

  142. This is exactly the kind of conversations my 67 yr old mother and my 18 and 16 yr old daughters and I talk about! Shit! I should take up writing!!! ;0) Is there a blog by crazy homeschooling mom, first time farmer, on an urban farm with 4 kids and a bunch of crazy animals yet? I would call it “Crazy shit my turkeys do to my dog” blog or “Dumb shit my farm makes me do” blog. BTW, My Husband is the Abbott to my Costello too!!! You rock Jenny!

  148. Hilarious! When I was a kid, I told my mom I had a dream about a burglar. She asked how I knew it was a burglar, and I said, “He had burglar shoes on.” (A la Hamburglar…remember those big shoes?!)

  149. My sister and I have had a lifelong debate about what the heck Grimace is. I maintain that he is a milkshake out of the cup. Most of our debate occurred before there were internets, Soni am sticking with my argument.

  156. Hmmm, Victor is getting to be pretty awesome for a Republican … I think you’re wearing him down. Keep up the good work!

  158. Great conversation. reminds me of a late night sleep over Q & A with friends. Kay, so you should be paid by McD’s. and I’m astounded at how many comments this has generated! Including me…

  159. I thought Grimace was from the taste. Except for Shamrock Shakes, which I am secretly joining MSA for. Milkshakes Anonymous. But I digress. And kudos to Victor for recognizing that clowns are not now nor ever shall be human.

  163. This a pure fucking gold and I’m glad I got on the internet today.

    xo Ashley
    thetiniestfirecracker.com

  165. Ok, I’ve never actually seen this band live but have heard stories so it may be total fiction except for this:

    http://youtu.be/62qbdp94HsY

    Apparently they arrive to shows in their white van with blacked out windows in full costume. Totally forgot about them until this post.

  166. I almost hate myself, but I not only had several birthday parties at McDonald’s as a child, but I had a Ronald McDonald doll and a Grimace doll and I still couldn’t tell you what Grimace is. (Thee Ronald doll had a whistle and when you put it in his mouth and squeezed his stomach he blew the whistle. It would probably be worth a small fortune now. Unless I hallucinated the entire thing – which is possible.)

    Also Psych: Shawn and Gus have a big discussion about Grimace and Gus keeps insisting that “he’s a brother” while Shawn is convinced that he is a purple amoeba. Somehow this lead to my husband giving my tortoise the middle name Grimace… I don’t even know. I’m okay with it though, he looks like he’s grimacing all the time. It’s frustrating because I would really like him to be happy and I feel like I’ll never know, I’m just going to spend the next 75 years trying to please him and having him frown at me. (We probably should have named him after my mother.)

  167. did you notice on the wikipedia page that there was an Uncle O’Grimacey for when they were promoting shamrock shakes?

  168. I totally played in one of those play lands- I distinctly remember the sheriff Big Mac jail thing that is pictured in the wiki article. Not sure if I happy to be remembering this, or mildly disturbed…

  169. Please make a shirt that says King of All Grimaces 😀 I have a friend who is like, six foot four and big and he wears this Awful-Mazing purple shirt, and I’ve called him Grimace since we met. I would LOVE to get a shirt like that for him 😀

  171. And what does it say about me that I was reading along and hit the part with Mayor McCheese and wanted to say to Victor, “No, that was Officer Big Mac,” only a few paragraphs later you’d found that on the Internet… but I ALREADY KNEW IT.

    I am terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.

  172. Jen you were both right about the Hamburglar according to Wikipedia: he “spoke in gibberish which was often translated by Captain Crook. He was revised in 1985, when his look changed … His previously-unintelligible muttering was now the familiar “robble robble”. ” He didn’t “roble” til the mid-eighties. I so love reading the conversations between you and Victor!

  173. This interaction (and the shirt it spawned) is further proof why you two are together. ?

  174. If you want to further mess up your mind, google “Ranald Macdonald.” He was reportedly the first person to teach English in Japan. Born in Astoria, Oregon in 1824.
    I only know this because I used to live in Astoria, OR, and there is a display for him at the museum there. Of course, I have long wondered if there was a connection between Ranald and Ronald. There almost has to be, don’t ya think? Ponder that!

  177. I didn’t know any of this and I WORKED at McDonald’s.

    To be fair, I only worked there for 3 months. My friend and I were “laid off” after my supervisor found out we were calling random numbers and telling people they’d won happy meals for a year.
    We’d always say “Just ask for the manager and tell him Ronald sent you.”

    (Er, now that I think about it, you probably had to be there. And also 15.)

    ps. I always thought he was grimacing because he had no shoulders…?

  178. Criminals and clowns that violate your personal space? This is why I preferred A&W. I mean Root Bear was kinda laid back and groovy; Papa seemed affable enough. Okay, Junior might have been a little off, but whatever. It wasn’t threatening.

    Also, I went to the link on comment 128. Is it just me or does the Filet O’Fish bouncy thing look like he’s dangling a big ole cigarette out of his bun? Just me?

  179. why are there no pictures on this wikipage?!?? Someone needs to get on this!

  181. Have I been living under a rock? Or in another dimension? Or in Belgium for apparently way too long? It took me half a day to find out who all these fictive (yes! that was the real shocker!!) characters were!

  183. I think I’ve blocked most of the characters out after they blew up the Jack in the Box Clown.

    (this “Jack” guy is totally an impostor)

  185. I had a reoccurring dream as a child that the Incredible Hulk was on the loose and Grimace would run down a flight of stairs to warn me.

  187. When I was a little girl I had a Ronald McDonald doll, it was more like a stuffed pillow than a “real” doll. Anyway, I loved that thing. Our boxer Flip ate it one day leaving only a bit of stuffing. The indignity of Ronald being pooped out, just like the balloons our dog would also eat. Only less colorful.

  189. I keep reading these conversations to my husband, but he doesn’t believe Victor exists. I told him you’ve posted video of Victor, but he contends that there is also video of men landing on the moon and THAT’s obviously fake. He also says that no one names people “Victor” so OBVIOUSLY you’re really having imaginary conversations with your German Shepherd puppy.

    In other words, I have just as bizarre conversations with MY husband as you do. I just don’t write as well.

  190. I never knew that Grimace was supposed to be a shake!

    And seriously, it doesn’t make sense for the Hamburglar to be a robber. Hello!! His name is HamBURGLAR.

  191. Wow! The things you bring to mind– a poem I wrote (c.1970):
    With Pickles and Ketchup

    “You think you’re a person,”
    he said looking at me hungrily,
    “but you’re really a hamburger
    (What a dinner!)
    You escaped from the hamburger plant
    By changing into human form.”
    He licked his chops.

  192. Totally with Victor, clowns are NOT human. Too creepy. Actually, that hamburgler was pretty creepy too, not sure he counts as human either.

  193. 1. Clowns are NOT human.
    2. I had weird half-remembered childhood memories of McDonald’s playground while reading this.
    3. This is seriously freaky stuff.
    4. People obviously did a lot of drugs back then.

  199. Oh my god. It’s insane how perfect you guys are for each other…

    Also, these are the best kinds of conversations… and it cleared some childhood confusions up for me…

  200. Not two weeks ago I was looking up the old McDonald land gang – love seeing that other people think about this stuff too!

    Also, for only $800 plus the cost of transport, I could realize my childhood dream of having an Apple Pie tree in my backyard. Any chance you want to do another one of your dead pony fundraisers and help a girl out?? We can have part ownership – time share of a tree.

    http://harrah-ok.hoodbiz.org/73045/art-antiques/1970-mcdonalds-apple-pie-tree_20282738.html

  204. Dude, dude, I remember Grimace’s IRISH UNCLE from when I was a kid. I always thought that was a nightmare/dream I had, but it turns out that Wikipedia had that dream too.

  205. This all brings back how intensely I hated Birdie the Early Bird when I was a kid. That chick could not do ANYTHING right.

  206. Years ago, I told my sister that Grimace used to be called Gristle because that’s what he was made of; a big, shiny, purple-ey piece of gristle. Later, their marketing department thought it was a bad idea to focus on the less pleasant parts of the animals that make it into the food, so they changed his name to Grimace because that’s the face you make when you bite into a McNugget and get a piece of gristle.

  207. What’s Mayor McCheese?

    Also, thank you for explaining part of my childhood to me. I never got any of that either.

  208. You should totally make the “M” in your King of all Grimaces” t-shirt a squiggly line-shaped M, so it looks like the mouth of a cartoon character grimacing. 😀

  209. This might be my favorite Jenny/Victor convo yet.

    I had some McD’s memorabilia back in the day. I also remember playing at their character-themed playground. Officer Big Mac was a cage of some sort that kids would climb into and accidentally get stuck. Hilariously creepy.

  211. I had no idea that “robble robble” was him saying he was going to rob you of burgers! What a revelation!

  214. McDonald’s is fucked up! When I was little I loved Happy Meals; my Dad would tell me that Ronald stepped on the hamburgers with his big shoes and that’s why they were so flat.

  218. Gawd you are so smart Jenni. I’m glad you’re not my sister because if you were, our mom or dad (we’d probably have one or the other be different) would have always been saying, “Why can’t you be smart like Jenni?”

    You put an s on the grimace so you wouldn’t get sued like the Mr. PufnStuf sued Rondal in McDonaldland and you did not use a picture. Very smart.

    I want to be more like you, and less like me right now because I thought you were the one explaining to Victor what robble-robble meant.

  220. I learn so much from your blog. Like I didn’t remember Ronald had a dog. If you and Victor hosted a round table like Dorothy Parker’s Algonquin Round Table, the conversations would be amazing.

    Well, the conversations are already amazing. But if you added Anne and Wil Wheaton and Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer, they would be epic.

  221. freaking hilarious…..I’m crying with laughter here in NC, with the occasional grimace

  222. For what I’m assuming is the 956971357 time, I’m nominating you for the Versatile Blogger Award. Not that I’ve nominated you all those times. Although you have made me cry at least that many tears from laughter.

  224. I’m pretty sure that was the funniest conversation ever had between two people. My business partner and I read it out loud like a script and we were both laughing so hard we were crying. Thank you for making this Wednesday a little more bearable. Or is it barable? I suck at spelling.

  229. As someone who eats Happy Meals for her main meal, I’m on your side.

    In unrelated news, Jenny you were just in STL doing a book signing (where I’m from) and I was unable to meet you. You inspired me to write my own blog. It’s filled with inappropriateness, laughter, sarcasm and scandal….my life. I entered myself into this Live Your Life campaign American Eagle is doing. It’s encouraging young adults to…well…live their life. Not being afraid of who they are or what they like to do. I was terrified to blog but after seeing you do it, I thought what the hell. If no one reads it, at least it was fun to write. So I’d like to pay my Jenny Lawson experience forward and encourage others to do the same.

    I am also a Breast Cancer Awareness volunteer designer and advocate. I’d also like to use this platform to educate young woman on early detection, share my success stories as well as others and inspire my generation. You don’t have to vote, I just wanted you to know how you’ve changed my life. If you’d like to vote, the direct link is posted on my blog post from today and below. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO!!

    https://live.ae.com/#/entries/5862

  230. As many have no doubt said of The Tiger and me, “Thank God these two found each other.”

  231. I can TOTALLY see my husband and I having this conversation… only we’re older so it would sound a whole lot more crabby. I totally use my smart phone to prove a point but I HATE it when I’m wrong and he’s right, but he does wear a smug face better than I do.

  232. From now on whenever I steal food off of my husband’s plate — which happens often because he generally orders something delicious like steak and I order something misguided like a vegan salad — I am going to refer to it as robbling. As in: “I totally did not just robble from you. I don’t know what you are talking about. You cannot just accuse people of robbling willy nilly!” (while I attempt to hide a large piece of steak in the back of my mouth)

  234. See, I was always confused about Grimace too. You could easily see what each character represented, except him! So we were in a McDonalds in a small nearby town, about 13 years ago, and I asked the workers what he represented. None of them could figure it out. SO, they called the manager. HE said, he represented Vegetables…..
    Damn small town manager…he knows NOTHING!!!

  237. This is so a conversation that I’d have. I think I might love you in a totally safe, non-stalkerish way for having it before me. Now I’m off to torture the Taller Half with TMZ for Puppets. Which should totally be a real tv show.

  240. And now I have just spent the last half hour reading up on McDonaldland. I had no.idea how interested I was. I also noticed the Wikipedia page was just updated yesterday. Hmmm??? Making.me wonder about some of those details.

  242. I always just assumed Grimace was Ronald’s autistic friend…

    Holyshitsnacks! I just looked up H.R. Pufnstuf knowing that it was a TV show in the ’60’s, but not really knowing what it is. I swear to God, this is exactly what my nightmares are made of.
    Now it’s 10pm and I have to go to bed soon, but I’m going to have to check my closet and under my bed for H.R. Pufnstuf.

  243. The reason you think the Hamburglar was made out of hamburgers, is probably because in this commercial he uses magic powers to turn himself INTO a hamburger. Turns out his animated hamburger head is one of many unsavory images in this series of commercials, and, given your proclivity for such, it probably stuck with you.

  246. All this post proves is I was ROBBED of my childhood by parents who “didn’t believe” in taking their kids to McDonalds. I am 31 and now unable to take part in an internet blog comment section with any great insight or memory to share. Thanks parents.

  247. Maybe he was actually saying “burdle burdle”? Or maybe if you time traveled back to when the commercials were made, you could introduce him to that word and he would use it?

  248. This is seriously something that makes me so happy to read. I have a vague memory of the characters, but now I understand why I have always had a creepy vibe from McDonalds.

  249. I totally remember the birthday parties and most of the playgroud equiment in those old pictures. I even remember the pirate, even though I had no idea who he was supposed to be. But then again, I thought Grimace was supposed to be a grape popsicle.

    Also, am I just perverted, or does the Hamburglar look like he’s a flasher in that long coat he uses to hide his stolen burgers?

  250. I googled “robble” and spotted two drastically differering urbandictionary definitions…none of which I can click on because it’s behind the corporate firewall. DRAT reading on coffeebreak….so much fun until I hit a wall.

  257. This was absolutely epic and I loved every single bit of it. The two of you need your own reality show.

  262. I think the moral of this story is that all of the TV shows and ads from our childhoods screwed us up even more than anyone ever thought.

  263. My dad knows a man whose name- his actual name!- is Ronald McDonald. He runs a funeral parlor.

  265. Based off my memory of your past blog posts, I’m voting the strangest to be the one about a meth lab that you both had in a gas station while wearing pajamas.

  267. After visiting Wikipedia to confirm that what you wrote was shockingly true [I don’t know why I’m surprised by that, I read your book.], I am most disturbed by the number of characters who were invented to steal things. The Fry Guys, Hamburgler, Grimace etc. they all just showed up to steal your food. Even the most recent Griddle characters were just there to make off with your McGriddle. [Ok, I lied. The most disturbing thing is the detail in that particular Wikipedia entry. The internet is an amazing place.]

  269. Just had to tell you that since reading this, I’ve been walking around saying “Robble, Robble” to myself for the past couple of days…

  270. I always knew he was saying “Robble Robble” but I still say Victor was wrong and it’s not a verb. How can it be a verb???

  272. Now I know more than I ever wanted to know about Ronald McDonald and his friends.
    Thank you! Your topic of conversation has put a smile on my face.

  273. As always great conversation! I think the most amazing thing is that someone actually took the time to write a detailed article on Wikipedia about McDonaldland. I could have never done that without laughing myself sick or without the aid of some decent controlled substances. Or both. Yeah both.

  274. It should def have a picture of Grimace on it.
    I used to want to marry him when I was a kid.
    No, really.

  277. Wow… I now feel I’ve lived an incredibly sheltered life… I had never even heard of the Hamburglar! How did I not know there was this whole shady McDonalds-world filled with dodgy characters and burger faced people?

  279. Fun Fact: the White House (yes, THAT White House) is at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW. At 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. SE, you’ll find a McDonalds. Now, HERE’s the creepy part: from 1980 -1988, both the United States and McDonalds dominated the free world; they both were shining pillars of capitalism during the depths of the Cold War; and they were both ruled by a clown named Ronald. So, coincidence about that OTHER building at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. SE? I think not.

  280. Last night’s signing got me over my blogging slump. I thought you might enjoy reading my account of the Dayton, Ohio signing.

  281. I love this post and it made me laugh but it bothers me that we never found out what your husband was trying to say before the conversation got going. Can you tell us in another post? Please? Thanks!

  282. So I read all this and then thought, “What about that creepy piano guy with a moon for a head? And why did he wear sunglasses? Were they making fun of Ray Charles? ” luckily, that wiki entry threw me a bone and Mac Tonight is still just as creepy/suave as I remember! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mac_Tonight

    THEN, it said he got a “CGI Makeover” and had a new commercial in 2007. YouTube came through for me this time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOlLIP9-vlQ

    Yep. Still creepy as fuck. And apparently too good for the piano now, unlike the commercials I remember from my childhood: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Diu2qMYYL3c

  285. My son (9) finally made it to the “Rock n Roll McDonalds” in Chicago (one of his lofty goals, I guess – we happen to live in a near suburb of Chicago) and had nightmares (for real) following his trip due to a picture he saw of Willard Scott ( Smucker’s Jar guy) dressed as Ronald McDonald. Can’t really blame him.
    BTW, I’ve hated clowns for years. Worse yet, midget clowns. Couldn’t stand Oompa Loompas. Is it just me?

  286. So true – so true. The hubby & I have conversations like this all the time. INcluding the one where I shared that I didn’t know the Pentagon WAS PENTAGON SHAPED! I thought it was just a cool kick – ass name …”THE PENTAGON”…..

    Plus, i had a Ronald McDonald doll as a very, very small child that some sadistic fuck gave to me. (Hence why my mother is evil incarnate –who lets a person give their child a creep, murdering RONALD MCDONALD DOLL? )
    I hated that thing & tried to destroy it every way I could.

  287. I love this conversation. First of all, HAH. Second, Victor rarely gets to play anything but the straight man in these posts; I love that he obsesses over the Hamburgler. Truly a match made in heaven.

  289. Jen.. it’s been awhile.. but damnit, I have recurring nightmares since I was a child about evil Grimace and evil Ronald.. complete with fangs.. and you go and post this?!? Thanks.. Shall we hang out during my bout of insomnia that this will induce?

    Thanks! 🙂

    Love ya!

    K

  291. When I was a kid I thought that Grimace’s name was Gristle, I think because McNuggets weren’t that great in the 80’s.

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