In my defense, I'm not that bright.

Today I’m on book tour in Kansas City (Missouri), which is apparently only minutes from Kansas City (Kansas) and is very confusing for everyone involved.  But while I’m away I’m running reruns.  Because I’m not clever enough to travel and write at the same time.

************

A series of voicemail messages I listened to a year and a half after they were sent because I don’t know how my phone works:

Yvonne: Argh.  This lady at the drugstore just coughed H1N1 all over my daughter.  Call me in 4 months when you actually get this.  I’m sure we’ll still be friends then.  Probably.

me (leaving myself a message when I couldn’t find my journal to write in): Why don’t people use “let’c” as a contraction for “lettuce”?  It would save time.  This is me, by the way.  Not future-me though.  Just regular me.  Hope we’re doing well.

My sister: Hey, someone in our family died but I’m not telling you over voicemail because that would be weird.  But you’re never going to get this because you never listen to your voicemails. It’s like I’m sending a time-capsule into space that no one will ever find.  I though you were supposed to be the responsible one.

My sister again: It’s mom’s birthday today.  I’m calling to remind you.  You owe me.

me again: Hi.  This is just me pretending to be on the phone so that I don’t have to make eye contact with the crazy lady on Main who’s always talking to herself.  Except that technically I’m calling myself to leave myself a message so I’m basically doing the same thing.  Fuck. I bet this is just how the crazy lady got started.

My sister again: It’s daddy’s birthday today.  I’m calling because you said that I didn’t remind you about mom’s birthday even though I totally did.  Does this phone even work?

My sister again: Hey, did you know it’s your birthday?  My guess is “no” since I didn’t remind you.

me (leaving a message to myself again): If dead people want to wear open toed shoes in their caskets do the morticians give them a pedicure or are you just stuck with however your feet looked when you die?  Do you have to pay extra for the death pedicure?  I should get a tattoo on my chest that says “Put me in feetie-pajamas when I die”.  That way I’m warm and I’m saving money.

me again:  Okay, I just remembered that I don’t have any feetie-pajamas and it would suck if right before I died I ballooned up to like 500 pounds and Hailey was all “HER DYING WISH WAS TO HAVE FEETIE PAJAMAS” but they can’t find any in my size and so she spends all her time looking for enormous feetie-pajamas when she should just be taking care of herself.  Now I’m all depressed.  Forget the tattoo.  The tattoo was a terrible idea.

Victor: WHY DON’T YOU EVER ANSWER YOUR PHONE?

me (leaving a message to myself again): I was calling to remind you to write something funny about birds but then I got distracted by my own voice on the answering machine and now I don’t remember what I was going to say.  It was about birds, I think…?  Crap.  I lost it.  Way to go, us.

my sister again: It’s mom’s birthday today.  Honestly, I don’t even know why I try.

Laura: Okay, why do you even have a phone?

114 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Do people actually talk on cell phones? I thought they were just for texting and tweeting. The only reason I ever remember anyone’s birthday is because of Facebook.

    Vanessa recently posted I'm sorry, I can't sign your petition..

  2. Eee! So excited you’re in KC! I’ll see you tonight!

  3. Have fun on this leg of the tour! I love your voicemails. I am the same way so I finally got rid of my landline. It would have 100 messages, which would stress me out to the point of not wanting to listen because I could be in trouble with people or missed something important. But not knowing caused anxiety. Vicious cycle.

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted Healthy Boundaries: Drawing a Line in the Sand.

  4. dangit, I wish I was back home in Missouri, I would drive up to KC easily and see you but I am in the wrong country halfway around the world. Would you come to Japan? I would meet you in Tokyo for a signing. Though with my luck, if you came to Tokyo and then I would be in Missouri. excuse this. . it late her and been drinking grapefruit chu-hais. Do you have your book translated in Japanese? randomly wondering. . . .

  5. rereading post and reminded me that Japanese phones have this feature for women where you can hold down the hang-up button for a bit and trigger your phone to ring. . so you can pretend to be answering an incoming phone call and talk to yourself. I think it is for hentai guys stalking you on trains but I usually just us it to amuse myself. . .

  6. I must remember the pretend to be busy on my phone thing. I pretend to be busy on my laptop a lot especially when my teenage daughter is being too friendly.

    Vivian recently posted Feck feckky feck.

  7. You could make a career out of this absentee blogging thing.

    Just email it in.

    And travel the world.

    BTW, your sister rocks.

    HogsAteMySister recently posted The Disconnect of Aging.

  8. I basically only ever check voicemail to get rid of the stupid icon on the bottom of the phone screen. And even then I only half listen. I am pretty sure I won the lottery once, but I deleted the message before I got the fine details.

    thedoseofreality recently posted Move Over June Cleaver.

  9. :/ Oh dear, I really hope I don’t have voice mail on my cellphone…

    Cara(Eli) recently posted Leave of absence.

  10. I think you’re clever like a fox, Jenny.
    Yes, I know, the saying is “crazy like a fox”, but the fox has fooled the world into believing its crazy when its really brilliant. Why else would people refer to attractive women as foxes if they were crazy? Who wants to bang a crazy chick?
    Yes, I know, there are millions of men – and women – out there who want to bang crazy chicks….
    We’re getting off-topic here; the point is is this: you’re a brilliant/crazy chick, Jenny Lawson, as evidenced by your wonderful, easily-accessible writing style and huge fan base.
    And don’t you forget it.

  11. That is hilarious because my sister was the same way until she got rid of her land line. To be fair, if people don’t text, I don’t really care what they have to say. If it is REALLY important, text me. I only listen to my dad’s voicemails because he can’t text from his Jitterbug phone.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted Food is....

  12. I can’t stand the blinking light on the phone so I constantly erase mine, but I don’t listen to them.

    Sara recently posted Goodbye Two....

  13. I’ve had my phone for almost a year and I still haven’t set up voicemail at all. I should probably get on that…

    Tatiana recently posted oui oui paris.

  14. My ex never answered his phone either. I imagine this is what his voicemail sounds like – I certainly left a message or two to the effect of “Answer your damn phone for once!” Except he wouldn’t have left himself voicemails. I’m the crazy one that does that for myself ;)

    Heartache Into Beauty recently posted Monday Music Break: Awakened Soul.

  15. Are people still using the phone to call someone? My reaction is always “Why are you calling?! Couldn’t you just text me? I was listening to music!”. Plus…don’t you just hate that big red badge on the phone icon?

    wheresmyweasel recently posted A giant bat on crack tried to kill me!.

  16. I haven’t checked my messages in years, god only knows what’s on there. Luckily my friends and family know better than to leave anything on there.

    Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous recently posted How girlie can you get....

  17. I can hardly contain my excitement for tonight!!! It’s going to be epic!

  18. I should start leaving myself messages… That’s a grand idea.

    Emelie recently posted The Sad Thing Is That This Was Sober Cooking..

  19. I wish I could come tonight :( I have to go to a work function. You’re here on literally the only day (so far) this year that I had something else to do. That’s not an exaggeration either. But I’m sure you’ll be back eventually and I’ll see you then :D Have a great time in Kansas City. If you have a chance to get lunch somewhere, try Andre’s Confisserie Suisse. The food is amazing and the deserts are better. And you get a desert with your lunch! Seriously the best place in KC.

  20. Derp! Reminds me of the year I kept referring to the calendar in the garage, and straight through April I thought everyone else was nuts and off-track… until I finally noticed our calendar was a year expired.

    Natalie, the Chickenblogger recently posted The Rest of The Story....

  21. I thought my cell was trying to tell me it was dying of some weird cellphone-radiation-thing for ages, until I realized that the weird little symbol meant voice mail. Seriously, anyone who can explain to me why my _cell phone_ has little cassette tape symbol for voice mail will be my new hero.

    Amelia recently posted Gay (why homosexuals shouldn't raise their voice).

  22. Thank god they invented the text message. Otherwise, I don’t think I would be able to communicate with the poeple I know that won’t hang up the phone. I don’t have time for an hour long conversation, but I can totally send you an abbreviated garbled sentence.

    You know it just occurred to me that both methods of communication are kinda screwed up.

    Holly Folly recently posted Photos of Wintertime..

  23. I am so excited to come to the event tonignt…I was going to put- to see you tonight, but thought that sounded like a deranged fan….anyway I am excited!!! I have been re-reading your book…so so funny….

  24. 24
    lotterhouse

    A post involving birthdays on my birthday when I’m coming to KC to see you tonight? That’s gotta be a sign. Not sure of what, maybe just awesomeness. Bringing a present so don’t laugh, ok?

  25. I’m so stoked to see you tonight! So my camera has an illustrated feature on it so I need you to wear a cape so I can have a picture of you as a super hero, one can be provided.

  26. Man, I remember my last pair of footy pajamas. They were Little Orphan Annie, in the days when it was still in the paper every day, not just Sunday. You know. The 80′s.

    Jen recently posted Down the Rabbit Hole; Or, the perils of Internet Diagnosis.

  27. If you want you can totally go to State Line road and stand in two states at once! (Carefully, when there’s no traffic, obviously.) You’d love Kansas. But you’ll also like Missouri.
    So excited for tonight!! One thing I like to do is go up in the book-signing line slightly before I’m supposed to because the lady has a serious power complex and for some reason it’s REALLY IMPORTANT that you not get in line before your ticket says you can. Actually last time I just mis-read the number on my ticket and by the time I realized it I was too far in line to go back and sit down.

  28. I listen to my voice messages just to get rid of the little icon at the top of my screen.

    The OCD won’t allow that to stay.

    thedavidcmurphy recently posted Return of the Living Dead.

  29. 29
    NtYtCrzyCatLdy

    Super excited to see you tonight! Hope the snow doesn’t cause problems.

  30. I one time had 12 messages from the same person – over the course of a couple of days. When I finally called him back several days later I told him he had won the leaving messages on a cell phone award. Why he couldn’t figure out after the first couple of calls that I either didn’t hear or wasn’t answering my phone he never explained.

  31. Your sister knows you so well! Love that she called to remind you of your own Birthday!

    Darcy Perdu recently posted The One Thing Disneyland INSISTS You Do NOT Bring to Their Park.

  32. Heya! Looking forward to the event tonight!
    Yeah – there’s Kansas City, Missouri, Kansas City, Kansas AND there’s a NORTH Kansas City (which is also in Missouri). The nicer Kansas CITY is on the Missouri side, but Kansas totally wins in the SUBURBS department.

  33. So funny, Does your sister call to remind you of everyone’s birthday?

    Tanya recently posted The Best WordPress Anti-Spam Plugins for 2012-2013.

  34. Can we start a movement to get people to STOP leaving voicemails? I have 97 I will never listen to, because I know they all fall into one of two categories:

    A.) Lovely Target computer voice: “Your prescription at Target is ready.”
    B.) Friend: “I just called to say hi, so hi, so call me back when you can, so let’s do lunch next weekend.”

    Freakin’ STOP IT. I get it. I know you called because of phone magic. You don’t need to add a 5-minute voice message letting me know YOU WERE JUST CALLING BECAUSE.

  35. Yeah, I’ll be there tonight! Soooo excited!!

  36. Can’t wait to see you in KC!!!

  37. I always know to call my curmudgeonly father when I have a voicemail that is just a frustrated sigh. He refuses to talk to a machine.

    Baddest Mother Ever recently posted Here Comes the Sun.

  38. I don’t listen to my voicemail either. It’s just too complicated.

    Lovelyn recently posted I Can’t Sew.

  39. I had a voicemail on my old phone from my brother that said, “Hi, Happy Birthday! This is 2006, knowing how often you check voicemail…” As it happened, he left the message while I was on a plane, so when I turned the phone back on after getting off the plane, I saw the message and checked it right away. If it hadn’t been for that, I might not have gotten it for a few months…

  40. After reading this post I was trying to access my voicemail just to find out I need a PIN that I created three years ago…

    wheresmyweasel recently posted Cat in a vagina. Also, Celine Dion will never read my blog..

  41. The only person who ever leaves me voicemail is my mom, who leaves messages that ALWAYS say, “Call me! You haven’t called me in ages!” when I just spoke to her like two days earlier. Although, to be fair, she’s 92 and her memory’s not that hot. But I never listen past the opening words of, “Hi, Laura, this is your mother,” because I know the rest of the message will just be guilt. Like I need someone else to pile more guilt on me than I pile on myself already.

  42. I’m afraid of actually talking on the phone. And my right earlobe is numb from this tumor they hacked out of my neck, so I can only really use the left ear anyway because the right feels weird having a phone against it. Voicemails always give me stress. I want to hide my face under a blanket so I can listen without the person who left the message knowing I’m listening. But of course they don’t, because they CALLED me instead of talking to me in person and good lord I have problems. Don’t get eaten by giant squid in Kansas City. You never know. Missouri can be dodgy.

    Adrasteia recently posted I was going to post this as a comment, and then I realized it was long enough for its own post, so here it is..

  43. The only reason I ever listen to my voice mail is to make that little icon go away. If I could figure out how to disable it I would be in the same boat probably.

    Patti B recently posted The Catch of Having a Crafty Blog.

  44. I will listen to voicemails but I never return calls. I’m the worst!

    Hip-Baby Mama recently posted Top Ten More Signs You're a Terrible Stay-At-Home-Mom.

  45. Voicemail is the bane of my existence. I HATE listening to voicemail messages and routinely ignore them. My husband HATES that I don’t listen to my voicemail messages and he routinely ignores my requests to just text me if its important. Guess what that ingeniuously annoying dude is doing now? He is leaving me a voicemail every day with a VERY IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFORMATION that he will not otherwise communicate to me in order to force me to check my voicemail. For example, yesterday, he hid my s’mores making kit (yes, I have a tupperware container with marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers in my cabinet. I am a civilized human being after all.). He left me a voicemail telling me where the kit had been hidden. The only way to get my s’mores was to check my voicemail. It was a horrific ordeal.

    PinotNinja recently posted The real biggest loser….

  46. KCMO. Excitement.

  47. I sooooo want to call you right now.

    Kathleen recently posted Elastic Week.

  48. I feel so much better now… I just listened to a six-day backlog of voicemails today. And that’s not counting the answering machine at home which is FULL and we just tell people it’s broken. Sigh.

    maryhs recently posted A good weekend.

  49. I don’t leave messages for myself, but I e-mail myself back and forth from home to work. I can check both at home and on my mobile devices. I will e-mail myself, and then get excited when I hear the e-mail tone on my phone 2 seconds later, completely forgetting that the only person who e-mails me is me – and Groupon.

    whatimeant2say recently posted Look Out Synchronized Swimmers! Wonderbutt is Headed for the Olympics..

  50. If you ever start a band and put out an album, will you please name that album “Open Toed Shoes For a Closed-Casket Funeral”? Because that just sounds like a good band name and I wouldn’t want to steal it from you should I somehow get to a band and album before you. That would be rude.

    Erica O recently posted People like me are why gun control measures exist.

  51. You totally missed the voice mail asking you to bring us non-shitty weather. Fail.

  52. my mom is the same; I don’t bother leaving her messages because she doesn’t know how to check them. so I just call her back. however, since I know how to check my voicemail, she just leaves a message if I miss her call. technological inequality.

    Hannah Zhang recently posted the workaholic’s confession: part 1.

  53. “You never answer the phone”
    I think we’re seeing a trend here.
    Time for a personal assistant to either play the message for you, or repeat them aloud in pre-approved voices.

    Jason
    The Cheeky Daddy

    Jason recently posted When Daddy Comes Home.

  54. I loved this the first time and I still love it. By the way, how is the crazy-lady progression coming along? Oh, and COME TO CANADA ALREADY. Please.

    Annadanna from Canada recently posted Thank you Pregnant Chicken, I finally know what to say.

  55. i’m thankful that i’m not the only one that’s been confused about kansas city since i learned about it in grade school. god forbid i ever have to go there and have an intelligent conversation about where the fuck we were because i would fail. i hope it treats you well and your book tour is going great. :D

    monica recently posted When you need to decide what's for dinner ten minutes before dinner..

  56. My grandmother always said that when she died, she wanted to be buried in “red hooker shoes.” When the time came, my mother and her 7 siblings all forgot so it was left up to #1 granddaughter to make gram’s wishes come to fruition. Jessica Simpson red patent leather stilettos were given to the mortician and he showed us before the viewing hours that she was wearing them in the casket. Disappointingly, her feet were all bound up inside them so no death pedicure, as far as I could tell.

  57. I violently hate phones and voicemail (actually the Thought Monkey hates them, but I don’t argue much). I recently avoided checkin my voicemail, then I found out I’d missed a call from my boss telling me he’d just been hit by a truck and I kind of felt like a jerk. -_-;;

    Alison recently posted Enter the Thought Monkey.

  58. Dude, I know where you can get feetie pajamas in a vast array of sizes and super fun patterns. Mine have duckies and bubbles on them. They’re my favorite-est pajamas ever.

    Also, I wish I was cool enough to talk on the phone to myself. Except not. Well, you know what I mean.

    Pretend Grown Up recently posted RIP Francisco (except not really).

  59. Haha yours are the best ones!!

    xo Ashley
    thetiniestfirecracker.com

  60. 60
    Lady Penelope

    Rule One: If you don’t text it, assume I didn’t get it.
    Rule Two: If you don’t ask a question in your text, don’t expect a reply.
    Rule Three: If your number is ‘private’ I won’t answer. If you then leave a voice mail refer to Rule One.
    Rule Four: However, I reserve my right to be pissed off if I leave you a voicemail and you don’t reply.

    Yeah, this makes me *really* popular…

  61. I totally call my house phone and leave messages on the answering machine about things I don`t want to forget to do when I get home from work, altho , unlike you, I listen to them right away because when I get home I see the answering machine light blinking and I get all excited that someone actually called the house phone, totally forgetting that it was me in the first place.

  62. I’m glad you are re-running. I’m new to you, so this post is new to me. Hope you’re having a great time on tour…you deserve it!

    Adrienn recently posted Happy Easter. She'll be fine, she just ate too much candy for breakfast. I'll take a Mimosa, hold the OJ..

  63. My husband didn’t even set up a voicemail when he got his new phone. It annoys me to no end, because he also NEVER answers the phone or text messages. Although when he did have a voicemail, it was pretty much me listening to all his messages to clear it out because he never listened to them, and then I had to hear my own voice over and over again and my super awkward message leaving, so maybe it’s better this way. I honestly don’t know why the man even has a cell phone…

    Buttons recently posted Stitches' ~ Put That in Your Pipe and Smoke it, the Finished Product....

  64. I’m just glad I’m not the only one who talks to my voicemail to avoid talking to crazy people who are only talking to themselves.

    Wendy Roberts recently posted Everything I know about writing I learned from parenting. ...

  65. 65
    Andrea Murray

    Laying in bed reading your post and all the comments. Suddenly i realize…crap!…my sister texted my twelve hours ago and i didnt read the msg! Open the msg…it’s a photo of a cake shapped like a bunny her husband decorated. Seriously. Talk about crazy people.

  66. I don’t call myself but do email myself all the time.

    Kattie recently posted Tidied.

  67. *snicker, snort* I love that the majority of the messages are from you when you know you don’t answer your phone! Too funny, Jenny.

  68. Now I just have to come to terms with the fact that I will be contemplating Death Pedicures all day. Hello Friday!

  69. Why have I not been leaving myself voicemails my entire life? Courtesy of iPhurn’s delicious Visual Voicemail feature, those are messages I’d actually listen to…maybe.

    Best,
    Cory
    Quirky town. Funny: with a twist…

    Quirky town. recently posted Advise This!.

  70. My mom will have a death pedicure. Her husband liked feet, so we’re painting her toenails and putting his urn between her feet. TBH I’ll probably end up doing it. That would suck if they charge extra.

  71. I am HORRIBLE at listening to voice mails. I never listen to them. And the answering machine at home fills up to the point that it just beeps at people and I hold down the delete button and erase them all without even listening.
    Have a great time on your tour! Wish you were coming near us.

    Leslie recently posted Did Lucille Ball Ever Drive a U-Haul?.

  72. “I hate voice messages”
    something something first world problems something.

    Ah, H1N1. I always pronounced that “Hiney,” so I chuckled at nearly every report about it, and I chuckled at the voice message about it in your post.

    The Tiger and I will succumb to the pressure to own and use devilboxes some time in the next month. I’m not proud of this, but a happy wife is a good thing to have. Well, it’s also like the unicorn, people strive for it, but they don’t really exist. Let’s adjust that. An unhappy wife is something to avoid, or at least to minimize, like a PC app that you don’t want to watch at all times.

    Or something.

  73. I think the reason lett’c is not a valid contraction for lettuce is because I totally read it as “Let’s see”, which is a much better use of contractiony text talk. TTYL

  74. Just wanted to say Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for your daily dose of the smile and laughter I need! I recently learned that I have alopecia (and I’m only in my mid-30s), my hair falls out daily by the handfuls and the doctors have decided there is nothing that can be done…I’m just sitting around waiting to go bald. But when I find myself sad, miserable and depressed I come to your blog to help me find my smile again. Thank you for never failing me! :)

    Liz Cloud recently posted Ups and DOWN, DOWN, DOWNS.

  75. I always tells people to leave me a voicemail or I won’t answer. I hate the phone. So if it is important, you’ll leave a message. Of course I’ll never know because I never check those.

    Daniella recently posted Small Post Bout Friends.

  76. I have to send you this, it’s a cross post from a blog I also read. And it has a contest for a taxidermied mouse with a little skull in his mouth!!! a MUST SEE for you
    http://thechirurgeonsapprentice.com/2013/03/22/contest-alert-win-1-of-2-taxidermy-mice-from-forgotten-feline/

  77. forgot – sorry, got overexcited. The mouse wears a little top hat as well – who could resist????

  78. Please make your next book “Messages to Myself.” I’ll buy like 100 copies and pass them out to everyone (even to the crazy lady who’s talking to her self on the corner).

    Wombat Central recently posted Seven Tips for Taking a Better Driver’s License Photo.

  79. My voice mail says, “I don’t know how to check my voice mail, so don’t bother leaving a message.” It doesn’t always work.

  80. Finished the book last night.
    There was not one chapter where I was disgusted or dismissive of you.
    Mostly I was thinking “why can’t I be that funny when stupid random stuff happens to me or rolls through my mind?”

    Also, I spent a fair amount of time between stretches of reading (when it was too rainy to open the book while I waited for bus) thinking how IN CASE YOU EVER VISIT ME – like that’s going to happen – if I have advance notice, I could re-arrange my bedroom closet so you could have a cozy place to retreat from the world, without clothes dangling in your face, but with comforters and cushions to sit on, and a box with a water bottle and pad and pen so you could slip notes out under the door, and a flashlight hanging from one of the hooks for light – that’s what I did for the cat when I moved in, it does so work – and a selection of paperback books to read.
    And maybe some snacks.

  81. “If dead people want to wear open toed shoes in their caskets do the morticians give them a pedicure or are you just stuck with however your feet looked when you die? Do you have to pay extra for the death pedicure? ”

    Yeah, thanks for reminding me I’m not the only one who thinks and questions on an extremely high level of unconsciousness. I’m going to look into this… I know a guy…

  82. “If dead people want to wear open toed shoes in their caskets do the morticians give them a pedicure or are you just stuck with however your feet looked when you die? Do you have to pay extra for the death pedicure? ”

    And I thought I was the only one who thought and questions on an extremely high level of unconsciousness. I am going to look into this…. I know a guy.

    April, First Time Mom & Dad recently posted Forgive me friends for I suck. But people who use the word Ginger suck even more!.

  83. We enjoyed your book talk in Kansas City very much even thoughwe often could not hear the end of your sentences, because we and everyone around us were laughing.

  84. We thought the choir robe was a lovey touch.

  85. You are amazeballs and my best friend lives in KS and so that should connect somehow. It doesn’t.

    I nominated you for a Liebster. It’s not a real thing and completely not your style. You’re welcome.

    http://nerky.blogspot.com/2013/03/frisky-friday-liebster-edition.html

    NerkyMeg recently posted Frisky Friday - Liebster Edition.

  86. This is a new one to me. It’s also a reminder of why I fell in love with you.

    Karen Sanders recently posted New beginnings.

  87. Saw Jenny in KC last night and she is so amazing. She stayed for *hours* signing autographs and posing for photos. I aspire to her kindness and grace. From your KC fans, thank you.

  88. Saw you in Cincinnati and it was lovely!! Thank you so much for your openness to all of your fans. I hope that you are now home with your fam and have your feet up and some serious napping in your future!

  89. A while ago, I saw that I had missed a call from one of my best girlfriends. Yes, that annoying voicemail icon appeared shortly thereafter, but really, why would I pay attention to that? I called her back the next day and chatted on about random crap. Finally, she interrupted me and asked, “Are you going to say ‘congratulations’ or anything?!?” Yeah, turns out in her voicemail she told me she had gotten engaged. Seriously, who would leave info that important in a voicemail?

  90. If dead people want to wear open toed shoes in their caskets do the morticians give them a pedicure or are you just stuck with however your feet looked when you die? As the daughter of a funeral director, I can answer this question. No need to wear shoes or have a pedicure. Funeral directors paint smiley faces on your toenails as a way to send you off with a smile.

    Mitzi Sorensen recently posted Irish Shades of Grey.

  91. If I call my sons, they don’t answer. A few minutes later I get a text: “What’s up?”

    GeekGoddess recently posted Friday Fun Flicks – Chick O’ Stick!.

  92. It was tricky, but I cancelled my voice mail. Now I only have direct calls, texts, Whatsapp, email and Facebook to avoid.

    Johanna recently posted Top 10 Baby Accessories You Might Not Realise You Need.

  93. 93
    PryroCrastic

    I PRAY that you’re home and out of KC before this next FUCKING snow “event” happens. I know depression lies, but it really can get a grip when you’ve had 2 “Februaries” of weather…fucking gloomy, dark, fucking snow….

  94. haha, my favorite one was the one where you realized you were acting like a crazy lady, too funny… They should make an app where you just press a button ( or you can schedule ) a fake phone call that makes your phone ring so you have an excuse to use the phone

    Ana recently posted Decoration Ideas for a Safari Baby Shower.

  95. Jenny: Please, please, please come to Sacramento, CA! We need a dose of humor and WTF. This town would never know what hit it!

  96. Your voice mail is like a big black hole in the center of the universe: everything gets sucked up and nothing escapes from it. Please never pull the plug of your phone because this might destabilize the cosmos and we are all history. At least then we would have made history.

    I enjoy your blog. Cheers, RS.

  97. I do similar things when leaving messages for my husband, as I know he doesn’t listen to them, or at least not to all of them. I like to include things like

    “I cheated on you with the busboy from Applebee’s and we’re having a love child we’re going to name after the appetizer that brought us together.”

    “I just violated myself with a pineapple and wanted you to know in case there’s some extra rind down there.”

    I’ve never received a response. Wow. I think you’ve just given me an idea for my next blog post. You’re such an inspiration! :-)

    Lisa Newlin recently posted Application for my entourage.

  98. I keep waiting for that little beeping noise for unheard messages to go away, but as yet it hasn’t. One day, I’ll figure out how to actually get the messages off the phone. No hurry though. I wish you were coming a bit closer to New Orleans. I’d love to see you! Do you think you’ll ever make it over this way?

  99. 99
    over the hill mom

    I had verizon disconnect my answering service on my cell phone because I didn’t ever listen to the messages and got sick of people saying that I never responded to their message- so now they CAN’T leave a message. So now they don’t have a choice- they have to make the effort to try and call me until I actually choose to answer the phone.

  100. I have no idea why people even do voicemail. I mean, come on, this is why god invented text messages. And twitter. I told my sister I was robbed on twitter. Why would I actually want to talk to anybody?

    Celeste recently posted Birth Trauma Trifecta (And Stop Calling Me An Asshole For Talking About It).

  101. As corny as this sounds, Kansas City is my dream trip……I’m a die hard Kansas City Chiefs fan who resides in a rural portion of a state that will never have a professional sports team (Iowa). You see Arrowhead?!?!?!?!

    And interestingly enough, the pajamas I wear to bed every night are Chiefs pajamas. Have a pajama set, robe, snuggie (those are still a fad in Iowa), etc. I don’t have feetie ones though. :)

    Rico Swaff recently posted Blinded By the Light, Wake Up Like a Douche, I’m Rolling Over in the Night.

  102. With my old phone my voicemail message was always, “I am not going to listen to these so please don’t leave me a message. No, really.” But no one in my family listened so now that I have a new phone I refuse to set up voicemail. Best decision I ever made, who still calls people without warning them with a text first anyway?

  103. Hi I just stumbled across this etsy shop. Thought you’d like it: http://www.etsy.com/listing/112144809/mouse-with-butterfly-wings-holding-a?ref=shop_home_active

    Gawd I love Etsy. And you.

  104. This makes me feel better. I am constantly getting sh*t from my hubby because I occasionally (OK, frequently) miss a few (dozen) calls and he thinks “your phone should be within hearing distance at all times.” OK, smart guy, what how does that help when I accidentally leave it on silent all day? (Probably not helping my case here.) He is going to be one of the first to get his phone surgically inserted into his wrist when that option is available, though, so whatever. Seems more his problem than mine. Thanks for the giggles!

    Amy recently posted On Weeds.

  105. How on earth you find the energy just amazes me.

    AlwaysARedhead recently posted Unwanted Attention, Touching.

  106. I hate text messages and voice mail and all my friends know this- so I figure if someone leaves a voice mail or sends a text they aren’t my friends so I don’t need to talk to them. They’ve got computers haven’t they – send me an email I always answer those – well within reason. I wonder if what my daughter in law tells me is true – that I am getting anti-social as I get older?

    Rosie recently posted What Are The Benefits of Bee Venom Products?.

  107. I thought I was the only one who treated phone calls like this! Now I can say I’m just following the example of someone who is awesome. Perfect!

    Jerimi recently posted The Blocks.

  108. You rock :)

    Teeny Bikini recently posted Drag Queens Are Always Right.

  109. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! YOU WERE IN KANSAS CITY AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THAT I HAVE READ ABOUT IT?!?!?!

    1. I’m pissed at myself for not reading your blog frequently enough. Lesson fucking learned.
    2. Jesus H. Christ! I am so pissed. I would have went total stalker-status on you. I could cry right now.

    Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn!

    @SummerBuis recently posted Happy Almost Thanksgiving.

  110. Just as a head’s up… they have larger than life footie pjs at Target. In obnoxious colors, even.

    Go ahead and get the tattoo.

    You’re welcome.

  111. “Do I have to pay extra for the death pedicure?”

    Comedy gold. I would totally go see you do a stand-up routine. Maybe that’s what your book tour is like.

    Andi recently posted Anne Lamott and me: honoring our moms.

  112. how come you are posting about a book tour but i can’t find any current information about a book tour? is it a stealth book tour? do you have to know someone to find out where they are? kind of like a literary rave? i wanna come see you!

  113. But what if you came back during the zombie apocalypse and all you had on were feetie pajamas? You would be roaming around looking for brains with NO shoes. I don’t think zombies can feel pain but they can be injured so what if your lack of shoes led you to sprain/twist/break an ankle? Then you would be a less-effective zombie. It’s all about survival of the fittest, even for the undead/reanimated. You’ve got to prepare for these things.
    By the way, I just read your book and it was awesome! I don’t really read any blogs other than my mom’s but now I’m reading yours because otherwise I would have gone through withdrawal of your wit after reading your book all in one weekend and then suddenly not having any more of your stories/insights to read. Thanks for being so funny and making life more fun.
    Also, it occurred to me that I’m not sure if you actually go back and read all the new comments on your old posts as I’m sure that would require a lot of time on your part but if you do, hi. And I don’t have a website of my own (loser) so I put in the url for my mom’s blog. She doesn’t post as often as she should but she’s also funny and writes about rural life.

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