My New Year's Resolution is to get you to stop asking about my New Year's Resolution.

Today I’m on book tour in Dayton.  Come see me?  Please?

While I’m away I’m leaving you with Golden-Oldies, aka reruns.  But they’re old enough that they’re almost new again.  Sort of.


People keep asking me what my New Year’s resolutions are and I tell them that I don’t have any and then they get all pissy because they assume that I think I don’t need to change but it’s really just that I’m too bored with myself to invest any more time thinking about me, and also because “What are your new year’s resolutions?” is kind of code for “So tell me what you think is wrong with you.”

That’s why my new resolution for 2011 is to get into something so blatantly reprehensible that when 2012 comes I will have an obvious choice for what I need to give up next year and I won’t be sitting here trying to figure out which one of my many vices is the most obvious to everyone else.   And then I’ll be all “This year I’m going to shoot up less heroin!”  Or stop burning books.  Or stop burning kittens.  Or stop burning books about kittens.  I haven’t really decided yet.  Whichever thing seems more likely to have people remark about how brave I am, probably.

PS.  You never realize how many terrible life-choices are in front of you until you think about how nice it will be to tell people you’ve given them up.  This is probably why so many people are shooting up heroin right now.

PPS.  OMG.  I GOT IT.  This year I vow to start shooting up kittens with heroin.  It’s gonna be a brave, brave 2012.

UPDATED: As requested, I drew up some anti-kitten-heroin photocards that you could use to save money on birthday presents but no one bought any…

Click on the picture if you want one.

…so instead I made a whole different set of cards for people who want kittens to be on heroin…

Or you could really confuse people by giving them one of each.

But then it turns out that no one bought any of those either.  Conclusion:  Heroin-kitten awareness is at an all time low, probably because we don’t have a sexy spokesperson attached.  Someone contact Neil Patrick Harris.

70 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I definitely think that if someone is to be the spokesperson for kittens on heroin it should most certainly be you. You are one sexy bitch and those kittens need help to either stop and/or continue using heroin. Don’t keep the sexy for yourself Jenny use it for good!

    Sara recently posted The Liebster Award.

  2. Hugs not heroin really applies for anyone it seems. Not just kittens! Although, they need hugs, too. ;)

    thedoseofreality recently posted Hold It Right There, Hombre!.

  3. I’ll be at Books & Co tonight!!

  4. It’s like “what are you giving up for lent”? Sorry, i’m not dieting for Jesus this year. (CAN WE PLEASE ALL ADMIT THAT IS HOW MOST PEOPLE USE LENT?!?)

    Mayor Gia recently posted Sorry I’m Not Sorry.

  5. See you tonight!

  6. I love your ideas! I often find inappropriate responses are great when matched with nosy, judgmental questions. Not that asking resolutions is either of those things–it’s what comes next when you say you aren’t giving anything up!

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted Where I am Going: Forward Thinking for a More Balanced Life.

  7. I can’t imagine why no one would buy these photocards! I mean, people either need to be for or against shooting kittens up with heroine, so there should be a very large market for these…

    Lisa recently posted I may have lost all phone privileges. On the bright side, we're going to Hawaii!.

  8. See you tonight! :)

    Anna in Ohio recently posted Because, Who Doesn't Love Progress Pics?.

  9. Oh, my. Great way to start my day!

    Kathleen recently posted More Weal, More Woe.

  10. Sitting in my office in Dayton with a weird grin that is sure to really freak out my co-workers today. Hope when they ask what’s up I don’t inadvertently mention kitties hooked on heroin and defending THEIR right to shoot up. Can’t wait to hopefully meet all the other crazies in Dayton tonight :)

  11. you should have ferris Mewlers true blood pose from the last post be the spokesperson. sexy and a cat. the best of both worlds.

  12. Recently I found myself in bed with a bat on crack, would be much much nicer if it was actually a kitty on heroin though. You have my vote!

    wheresmyweasel recently posted A giant bat on crack tried to kill me!.

  13. The real issue is how many puppies are still freebasing crack. Will anyone think of the puppies???

    Hip-Baby Mama recently posted Yum Yum: Deconstructed Moussaka.

  14. I found Black Tar Heroin on Craigslist in Brampton… Don’t worry I didn’t buy any, thats a road I’m saving for my retirement years. I plan on being an 80 year old heroin addict and I’ll get my smack on Craigslist.

    Kevin McCrank recently posted I Just Published a Book..

  15. the last time someone asked me what my new years resolution was I said “I’ve thought long and hard about it and I have decided to give up having nosy people as my friends, so with that in mind, it was nice knowing you, but i don’t think we’re working out”.

    The look on their faces was priceless.

    boodie recently posted You win brain (trigger warning, rape).

  16. Alternate response: “I don’t have any, but I think yours should be to stop asking nosy questions.”

    Heretic Husband recently posted Dear Mom Judging the Mom on Her Iphone.

  17. Of COURSE that’s what people mean when they ask those things. Why had that never occurred to me? Maybe for the same reason it took me until this year to realize that when people say, “You’re so thin, how much do you eat?” they really mean “You’re so thin, please tell me you starve yourself.” (Which mostly makes me sad for them. Embrace your body!)

    I don’t do NYRs because I don’t keep them. It’s just too much pressure, and the timeframe is too wide. I’d rather make to-do lists.

    Lix recently posted Any 3 (Three) Photography Prints 5x7 by lixhewettphotography.

  18. We have to stop your evil plan. Please people don’t let your cats use your credit cards.

    Vivian recently posted Feck feckky feck.

  19. You need a favicon for your blog. I suggest a tiny kitten shooting up. Then you could develop a series with other cute critters on drugs like otters.

    Beck recently posted My Top 3 Things that You'll Never See on Goop.

  20. Is that why people ask you what your New Years resolutions are? Huh, I thought it was just so they’d have an opening to tell you theirs. I could say “My resolution is to create world peace via interpretive dance and awkward hugging” and I guarantee the response would be “That’s nice, I’m going to get fit! I bought a treadmill!”.

    Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous recently posted Death by polar bear and other convoluted schemes....

  21. You know those kittens, man one day they are just experimenting the next they are stealing your microwave for the junk man. It’s a sad, sad world we live in. For kittens anyway.

    Holly Folly recently posted I Have Purchased Another Vehicle..

  22. What is up with people asking others when they’re New Year’s resolutions are? You might be on to something. Kittens might like heroin. You never know. Maybe it’s good for kittens. Eh, ignore me. The recurring migraine because Mother Nature has severe PMS is obviously affecting my reasoning.

  23. I KNOW!!! It’s like, if I don’t lay out what I think is wrong with me, I can’t progress!!! Thanks for believing in me cruel world. I mean, I’ve got goals! If I want to put babies on spikes, I can do that@ (Eddie Izzard nod)

    The Cheeky Daddy

    Jason recently posted Work & Family Balance Is A Dad Issue Too.

  24. Excited to see you at Books & Co. tonight!!!

  25. 1. I’ve been to Dayton and all I can say is, “I’m sorry.”

    2) Dayton? I’m in Burlington VT and nobody cool ever comes here, but if you’re going to Dayton, why not Burlington! Seriously – do I need to start a Bring the Bloggess to Burlington Kickstarter campaign?

    Alexis recently posted Dr. Karp Part 2 Answers Two Key Swaddling Questions.

  26. Love it! It’s new to me. New Year’s Resolutions are a farce …said the person that posted no less than eight of them on her blog this year.

    Jill Pinnella Corso recently posted Project Optimism: Super Best Friends Productions.

  27. This is why I prefer dogs. My dog would never be a crack-head…a bacon addict, yes. Cats are naughty little bastards.

  28. Making resolutions means I feel like a failure at the end of the year when I realize I didn’t even try to make them happen. Not making resolutions means I just feel lazy for not making resolutions. I’ll take lazy, thank you.

    Amanda- The Southern Unbelle recently posted Mania. Because, Apparently, I Hate Myself..

  29. As long as someone out there is committed to keeping kittens off the junk, then there is hope for humankind. Or, kittenkind. Whichever.

    Andrea Mulder-Slater recently posted You say toilet paper tube, I say jungle gym.

  30. My New Year resolution was to make better bad decisions. So far it’s working.

    Mitzi Sorensen recently posted Irish Shades of Grey.

  31. AGAINST kitty heroin
    FOR kitty porn

    Darcy Perdu recently posted Oh No, You Can’t Expense THAT.

  32. Specifically, I am ANTI kitties-on-heroin, but PRO kitties-on-cocaine, because a coked up kitten could possibly be pretty funny.

    When I Blink recently posted How to Live the J. Crew Life: 6 Easy Ways.

  33. Kitty Porn! WOOOHOOO

    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted Fuck you, Dr. G.

  34. I was going to see you in Dayton tonight, but just found out my hubbie’s coworker was killed on the job. Opting to stay home with him. But my friend might go, so please sign my book she’s going to get for me.!

  35. May I say, your logic, (no one bought my anti-polydactyl-kittens-on-heroin cards, so I must obviously assume you all are pro-polydactyl-kittens-on-heroin ) is flawless in its perfection. You made me literally cry laughing. Height of absurdity – Stephen Colbert would do well to pull one off that was that good. Much respect.

  36. See you there!!

  37. What about a sexy spokescat? I think the last post proved Ferris is up to the task.

    Dana the Biped recently posted This is the main difference between me and the rest of the world..

  38. I hate people who ask me what my resolutions are. What if I think I’m awesome and don’t need to do anything? Actually, it’s more like, I’ll forget what my resolutions are before January has ended…

    Robyn Webb recently posted He Was the World's Best Dog and Other Ways My Pets Have Affected My Life.

  39. 39
    Here for the blog, not to promote

    I wonder how many people comment strictly to leave their website…

  40. I love you, Jenny! This post is awesome and it reminded me of all the humor and honesty you’ve brought to my life. You are so great and I truly love you (not in a stalker way, or an overly fan-girlish way, more like a distant friend who you never see but totally connect with way). :)

  41. My polydactyl kitty, Bobby (cutest kitty ever, at least in my life) can do whatever he likes. I’m glad he chooses not to shoot heroin, but I wish he enjoyed the snow more.

    Tara recently posted Talking to Julie.

  42. An oldie but a goodie! I hate making resolutions, only to break them a few days later. And besides, nobody needs to know what my resolutions are –unless it is to kick the person asking me in the junk, in that case they should know in order to give them more time to hide and cover up their junk :-P

    Adjunct Proff recently posted All You Need is Love.

  43. I’m all about the Kittens and Heroin but not sure I’m for them together. Maybe dogs on heroin? Definitely Squirrels on Heroin.

    Jenn recently posted We Only Got 86,400 Seconds In A Day.

  44. You definitely needed Keith Richards to be your sexy celebrity spokesman.

    Although I’m not sure Keith really qualifies as “sexy.” Or if he would be pro or con kitty heroin. Or if anyone would understand a word he croaked. So maybe not.

  45. I didn’t buy any pro or con kittens on heroin postcards only because I didn’t know this was an awareness thing. I feel it is time to remove my buried head from the sand and make a stand! I just can’t decide if I’m pro or con. I suspect I’m more pro-choice even though I know so many purrfer intervention with laws and rules governing what can and can’t be done.

  46. Are you comming to Canada (Toronto in particular)? You have a fan club here!

    I just bought your book and can’t wait to get it delivered and read it.

    Soooooo excited.

  47. I saw Junkie Kittens open for Snoop Dog in 2007.

    In the Catskills, I think.

    A lot of fur flyin all over de place.

    HogsAteMySister recently posted The Disconnect of Aging.

  48. So, wait – I can’t find said photocards in the store now! Am I missing them, or did you pull them to punish us?! I know more than a few people who would love that first one, and a couple of people who would like the second.
    It’s cool, though – I just found enough awesome cards that I am suddenly inspired to make friends to send them to.

    Otherkin recently posted My Fantasy Divorce Party.

  49. And here I thought that catnip was a problem for my cats.

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Snow Day 2013 the second time around.

  50. I do wish that Boston were on your road trip plans. As it stands now, the ONLY opportunity of catching you and getting you to sign your awesome book for me, would be to fly out and visit my mother south of Phoenix. But then that would mean I’d have to drive a U-Haul with all her stuff back east by myself. You see what a dilemma this is?

    Mary, QoE recently posted Hark, a buzz . . . and then a light.

  51. Seattle NEEDS you! ;) Pretty please?

    Adrasteia recently posted Tea from the Asylum For Wayward Victorian Girls.

  52. Didn’t have any resolutions but I did give up caring for Lent; trying really hard to make it work.

  53. The only reason I didn’t buy the first one is because I am already an avid supporter of the “Just Say Meow to Catnip” campaign and I thought they might be mutually exclusive. But now that I think about it, I’m not sure if saying “Meow” to catnip means that I’m anti- or pro- the stuff, so I’m thinking of switching to the “Legalize Meowawana” organization. Now that’s something I could totally get behind.

    whatimeant2say recently posted Some People Impulsively Buy Shoes; I Wrecklessly Purchase Life Jackets for My Bulldog.

  54. I am just back from seeing Jenny in Books and Co. She is amazing! What a treat to see her in person! I’m embarrassed to say that the bookstore wouldn’t allow her to use curse words, so she told us she would say “hippopotamus” instead, so it was actually funnier. She read the chapter about the squirrel puppet and everyone laughed.

    Thanks for coming to Dayton, Jenny! You are fantastic, and a real inspiration!

  55. This is exactly how I feel about getting fat. If you get fat, and then lose weight, people will commend you on working so hard to lose the weight. However, people who are already skinny and stay skinny…they get nothing in return (aside from being skinny bitches whom I curse under my breath).

    So for your new year’s resolution (in March), I say you gain a whole bunch of weight, so next year your resolution can be to lose all the weight you gained this year. It’s a fool-proof plan, and one that lets you eat cookies with lots of icing. How can you say no?

    Seriously, you can’t.

    Lisa Newlin recently posted To poke or not to poke. Is it even a question?.

  56. Re-runs rule – when they’re Bloggess re-runs, that is!

  57. not seeing today but DEFINITELY seeing you tomorrow!

  58. I like this plan — my new news years resolution is “to make bad decisions, because bad decisions make for good stories”

    PinotNinja recently posted I’m Just a Pawn in a Sushi Hostess Scheme.

  59. My dearest Jenny, I was SO EXCITED to see that you were coming to Dayton, Ohio, ( I love Books + Co.!) so I could see and hear you in person, and then, like the dumbass I am, I didn`t realise I had to work until earlier this week when my cousin asked me to get your autograph for her. She was totally understanding if you could only give out one per person, and that was when I discovered I had to work. I was entertaining thoughts on ducking out in the middle of work and going to see you, but I realised that would have been too much time gone and they would have noticed my really long bathroom break, so, so much for that thought. I am totally bummed I did not get to see you, and the fact that trying to find out what hotel you are staying at strays over the stalker line is the only reason why I haven`t done that. Bummer.

  60. New Year’s resolutions are just a way of giving yourself something to fail at by February.

    Old Year’s Resolutions are better. I’m going to quit cigarettes on December 28th.

    thedavidcmurphy recently posted Return of the Living Dead.

  61. I thought I broke the Internet when I saw the title of this post. I am not so good with the reading comprehension sometimes. Also, I might be drunk.

    Celeste recently posted If You Think Drunk Girls Cause Rape, You Are Rape Culture..

  62. I made my mom go see you last night. She said you were hilarious! What was the animal you brought with you?

  63. Thank you so much for coming to Dayton! You are hippopotumusing hilarious! You made my day! Chemo is better thinking of you! I wish I could go to Cincy tonight to see you again! Next time I totally want to be your book prostitute!

  64. You know why those holiday cards didn’t sell, don’t you? That’s RIGHT: no festive hat on the heroine-y kitten. I should be in MARKETING!!!

    Hannah recently posted Hannah Has a Haiku.

  65. Thanks for coming to Dayton, (well, Beavercreek, really, but who gives a hippopotamus). You were hippopotamusing great and it was awesome to meet you. :)

  66. it’s 1 am, I’m not allowed to make purchases when I’m not really awake…
    but I’ll be back after the sun rises.

  67. Thanks for being awesome about the photo op at your fireside book signing in Dayton. I was the chick with the service dog in training. A real dog, not a stuffed one like the lady carrying the unicorn head. I was leafing through your book while waiting my turn in line and came across the mauled by wild dogs story and thought uh oh, maybe bringing the dog wasn’t such a good idea. But you were so gracious about it all. It was so wonderful to meet you.

    Donna Black-Sword recently posted Wordless Wednesday: We meet The Bloggess.

  68. if you google ‘heroin kittens’, this post, or the original one is the first non video option on the list. :)

  69. I still read “polydactyl” as “pterodactyl.” I should probably learn how to read better.

    @SummerBuis recently posted Happy Almost Thanksgiving.

  70. Oh, jeez, Jenny. You are too much damned fun… For the record, I am AGAINST kittens using their opposable thumbs to shoot heroin. AND NPH would be the BEST sexy spokesperson for this cause!!

    … Do you have the anti-kitten-heroin image available as a refrigerator magnet? Because I would completely buy it! My fridge needs it, actually. It feels naked without it. My fridge doesn’t love itself anymore. HELP!

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