Nice try, thesaurus.

I’m in St. Louis today on book tour.  Come see me?  Please?

While I’m gone I’m taking the lazy way out and running reruns.  Because if it’s good enough for TV, it’s good enough for me.

 ************

I use an online thesaurus all the time because there’s only so many ways to say “nipples”, but sometimes I suspect that the thesaurus people are just fucking with me:

And yes, I realize that I spelled "hemorrhaging" wrong but I don't think I misspelled it quite so badly that the average person would say "Oh. I bet she meant 'marijuana'". Also, why is "hurricane" there? WTF, Thesaurus?

95 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Of all the funnies I would have imagined, I don’t think any of them would have referenced marijuana.

    My Half Assed Life recently posted Weekend Funnies #2.

  2. Maybe the system decided it was spelled so badly that you were high?

    Krisin recently posted Stop The Blogosphere; I Have To Get Off.

  3. Honestly, when is marijuana not what you might be looking for? I mean, really?! ;)

    thedoseofreality recently posted Yes, That Is Really What We Looked Like.

  4. I was trying to text a friend that I thought I had pneumonia, and it autocorrected to “p rump is”!! I like that better but I can’t really figure out how auto-correct did that!

    Yes, I realize it’s not exactly the same topic, but I’m still giggling over it.

  5. I think it makes perfect sense. Anyone who is in the middle of hemo-ragging clearly needs marijuana.

    whatimeant2say recently posted I Would Pay The Whole 4 Cents to Be Sequestered with Brad Pitt.

  6. Maybe they thought you meant ‘roid rage, and that you needed to chill out with a bit of the old Mary Jane?

    Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous recently posted Who'd have thought we'd count ourselves luck to ONLY get horse meat in our Ikea food....

  7. Man they must read your blog because it didn’t do that when I went there just now. Yeah that’s what I do when I can’t sleep at 5pm…try to make online reference sites spit out nonsensical connections. I think i need medication, or a life, one of those two.

    The Suzzzz recently posted Paco's.

  8. I want to use that Thesaurus now. It’s way better than mine.

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted I Love You, And….

  9. Welcome to St. Louis! I know the reading will go well. Sadly, I missed out on the SOLD OUT tickets…:( And – why has no one asked why you needed MORE words for ‘hemorrhaging’?

    Laura Ehlers recently posted Fifty-one Year Old Woman vs the White Sweater Dress.

  10. Maybe the thesaurus just thought you were ON marijuana. Hilarious none the less.

    Sara recently posted Dear Miss Swift,.

  11. Your hipster thesaurus clearly knows a new word for the old mary jane that you haven’t even heard of yet. It’s so much cooler than you. Stupid hipster thesaurus.

  12. 12
    E M Foster

    Maybe the thesaurus just wanted to prove it was worthy of you using it by having an intense sense of humor. Stranger things have happened! ;-)

  13. If you can’t trust a thesaurus, who can you trust?
    What’s next, dictionaries that talk back? (Under “loser” it says “‘you’… douchebag”.
    Have fun channeling the Spirit of St. Louis, Jenny….

  14. Pfft so similar they both have an m, r and an a. Any thesaurus could make that mistake. I have my own online mystery to solve, why does google always finish my, “How do I” sentence with “make love”???

    Vivian recently posted Evil Takeraparter.

  15. Wait, isn’t the correct answer always marijuana? Damn. I must have a problem.

    Maura @ Eve Was Partially Right recently posted Maryland Sheriffs Testify on HB294 - Maryland's Onerous Gun Control Bill.

  16. Because we are all high as a giraffe’s ass and don’t even know it. That there is some good weed.

    Arnebya recently posted Guest posting at Mama’s Comfort Camp.

  17. My phone recently thought I was typing transvestites when I was typing grandbabies. Samsung Galaxy S III should be smarter.

    Ethne recently posted MEXICO—HERE I COME!.

  18. spell check is just as bad. most days i’m like, WTF you spell worse than i do and i hate you.

    monica recently posted Why dinner with my family can be like the eye of a hurricane only without the rain..

  19. 19
    Tabitha Crow

    I live in Chattanooga, TN, but as fate (or William Shatner, because I totally believe he has control over…everything) would have it, my husband has a photo shoot in St. Louis. TODAY!! So, I called him and begged (and by begged I mean I told) him to come see you and get me a signed book. I will probably have to resort to promising him sexual favors but you are totally worth it. So, if you see a tall, hairy good looking redneck, he’s mine. Send me some love via him. THANKS!! XOXO
    PS: Say something really inappropriate to him. He is sooooo cute when he blushes :)

  20. They couldn’t come up with anything??? How about: bleeding like stuck pig? Geez. You suck, Thesaurus.

    Heather recently posted The Sunshine Award – Yes, it’s all about me..

  21. Maybe it just thought that if you were looking up that word you would need some pot.

    Issa recently posted Day 192 - Screw You, Weather People.

  22. Not that marijuana ain’t great for any number of medical conditions, but probably not while you are bleeding out.

    Hilarious, as always.

    Beverly Diehl recently posted Ann & Nancy Wilson - My Big Sisters.

  23. Hey, I’ve got a newspaper clipping from the Plain Dealer on taxidermy that you REALLY want to see. Victor will probably not, however. Where should I send it? Will your publisher forward it to you? How about your agent?

    Mary

  24. If I were Hemorrhaging (Thats what my spell checker says its spelled like.) I’d want some Marijuana… I just smoked a doob, wake and bake and all that.
    I plan on moving from Toronto to Seattle for the legal marijuana! Or Aspen.

    Kevin McCrank recently posted I Just Published a Book..

  25. I think it makes sense to me…

    Mom Off Meth recently posted A note to the normies..

  26. See you in St Louis!

    Julie H recently posted Kansas, The Bloggess, and a whorehouse.

  27. It was trying to sell you weed lol

    Ashley recently posted Appreciation Thread: Pet Snakes.

  28. I always confuse those two. Now if you excuse me I am off to hurricane. *nod*nod*wink*wink*cough*hack*wheeze*

    Holly Folly recently posted Tamping and the Electric Pole..

  29. Bad thesaurus! Sounds like someone needs to go to rehab. No no no.

    Amanda- The Southern Unbelle recently posted Strangle v. Warning.

  30. If I were on the hemo rag, I know I’d mean marijuana, or need maraijuana, or need some mean marijuana.

  31. Maybe it thought you were hemorragging because of the marijuana, or something like that anyway….

    Mexmom recently posted Confidence is what every woman needs.

  32. I Urban Dictionary in my space time. It’s equally hilarious and informative

    Ellen recently posted Why You Shouldn't Piss off the DMV.

  33. Hemoragging should totally be a word. I haven’t decided what it should mean…. but it sounds angry. Since marijuana isn’t angry, I can only assume even if it WERE a word they would not be synonyms. Also, I swear the auto-correct on my iPhone also suggests words that are not even CLOSE to what I’m tying. Technology is full of jerks.

    Lisa recently posted (One day) I really hope I'm a better parent than a dog owner..

  34. My husband tells me that each time he begins to type my name (Ang…), his computer’s auto-correct changes it to “Nag”. It’s like his computer is trying to sabotage our marriage.

  35. I wonder what that thesaurus comes up with if you type in the word ‘thesaurus’? Would its mind be blown?

    Korinthia Klein recently posted Settling Catan.

  36. Can’t wait to see you tonight. Really hope we don’t disappoint you either!

  37. If only you were in Seattle or Olympia over the weekend…

    Maybe the thesaurus thought you were a high vampire looking for marijuana and hemoragging munchies? I’m pretty sure I spelled that wrong…ah well.

    Jess recently posted This is a public service announcement, not a real post..

  38. Hi, Long time reader, first time poster…. I’m sure someone has already sent this, but if not, I obviously thought of you when I saw this: http://designtaxi.com/news/356371/Unusual-Fashion-Accessories-Made-With-Roadkill/

    Have a good book tour!

  39. This online thesaurus is almost as drunk as iPhone’s auto-correct. But it will never outdrink AC, that is the Lucille Bluth of effing up my words.

    Renee recently posted Book Review: How to Lead a Life of Crime by Kirsten Miller.

  40. I love the internets. Happy book touring – hope you come back to Minneapolis one of these days! If you can’t find a venue to host you, I’ll host you in my own back yard. We have an inflatable pool and a grill. Hot dogs and sunbathing for everyone!

    …wait until June if you want this VIP treatment.

    jesspants recently posted Happy Friday, indeed!.

  41. The online thesaurus is high! No other explanation needed. :)

    Mama D recently posted My Mind Is In The Gutter And I'm Probably Going To Hell.

  42. Hi Jenny! I am beyond excited to come see you tonight! My friend (also a Jenny) and I will be there!

  43. Bwahahahaha! Obviously, “hemoragging” and marijuana go hand in hand. Maybe they thought you were stoned.

    BTW, it was amazing to meet you last night. Sorry for being a complete spazz. I don’t know what came over me. I’m just really glad I didn’t knock anything over. Maybe next time.

    Quirky Chrissy recently posted Fiction Friday: Just Coffee.

  44. There’s so much I don’t know about hemorrhaging. Or marijuana. Why didn’t it ask you about hemorrhoids?

    Kathleen recently posted Born to Lose.

  45. Got it. When you type in the correct spelling of “hemorrhaging,” the page shows “nearby words.”

    Included is “hemp.” The page is just trying to point you in the right direction. Helpful, but completely misguided.

    Jason (The Queer Next Door) recently posted I Won't Expect You To Be What I Want You To Be.

  46. Gotta love the web! It has a mind of it’s own..

    Candy @ Candypolooza recently posted #Throwback Thursday – Remember This?.

  47. Oh I hope you have an ass load of peeps come see you today mama!! :) I’d be there.. if you were in San Angelo. :( #bummed

    #positivethoughts :)

    Candy @ Candypolooza recently posted #Throwback Thursday – Remember This?.

  48. I assume you’ve heard of Urban Dictionary? Maybe you can find other inspiration there. And maybe this is the thesaurus’s way of joining the “just say no” brigade?

    Lydia recently posted #Win $25 with Cafe Press.

  49. Always with the marijuana… is this website based in Washington? :)

    Brandon, from My Own Private Idaho recently posted RIP Hyperbole and a Half: Let the Game of Blogs Begin.

  50. I was considering Google but I clearly need to apply for employment at Thesaurus.com. Plus, it is obviously located in Boulder because everything here leads to marijuana it seems.

    Jen @ Bible Belt to Boulder recently posted Why so gay is so wrong.

  51. I think the thesaurus is just passive-aggressively asking you to buy it marijuana.

    It’s like “Did you mean marijuana?” You, naturally say, “No, thesaurus, I did not.” And the thesaurus then gets to say, “Oh, my mistake. But now that I’m thinking about it, how about we get a dimebag?”

    Well played, thesaurus. Well played.

    Jean recently posted Punch Someone in the Face Lately?.

  52. It’s been many years, but didn’t people used to use hemostats to hold a roach? I clearly vaguely remember someone asking for the hemos.
    Ridiculously excited to meet you tonight in The Lou! Yes, they really started calling St. Louis a toilet. It’s more appropriate in the summer when it’s all humid and the air licks you.

  53. If you were to look at my search history, you’d see more searches for how to spell things than for actual things. Or, I’m looking up words to make sure they mean what I think they do (it’s a crapshoot with me). I should just keep the dictionary and thesaurus pages bookmarked.

    Dawnie recently posted Things I think about at 3am. Don't judge me..

  54. I now wish we could find out what would happen someone auto translated haemorrhaging into marijuana. Like in medical reports and such. I think you might have prevented a medical disaster by pointing to this possible flaw in the thesaurus. Not every doctor has perfect spelling, trust me.

    Amelia recently posted Fever (why butterflies are bastards).

  55. That thesaurus is on drugs.

    Courtney recently posted Raylan.

  56. Now HEMP I can understand, but marijuana? The thesaurus is high.

    Lori recently posted The gift that keeps on giving..

  57. 57
    Brandi Young

    If they’re following Google’s lead then they are using your past searches to customize your current results…

    Is there something you’re not telling us? Have you made the lateral leap from slushies to weed?

  58. Oh my gosh. That is too funny. I agree with Lori that Hemp would have made some sense. I am a new reader to your blog. So glad I found you for a good giggle. Thanks!

  59. Sooooooo excited to see you tonight!! Welcome to The Lou!

  60. The thesaurus is just making sure you’re paying attention.

    Karen Peterson recently posted Oz the Decent and Pretty Strong.

  61. Yay, so happy to have you visiting St. Louis! I have tickets. Also yay!

  62. So disappointed! Chicago is NOT Naperville. So when I see Chicago, and I live in the suburb of Chicago, I immediately think like a midwesterner (not in miles but in time). Thursday night, going to Chicago? 1.5 hours. Then where do I park? Will 55 will backed up? Blah Blah I HAVE TRAFFIC PHOBIA Blah. After the fact, I saw your event was in Naperville. SO NOT CHICAGO. Totally do-able. I so wish I could have/would have attended. I hope you had a great turn out and a great time!

  63. Its a sign!

    xo Ashley
    thetiniestfirecracker.com

  64. A ‘WTF’ is certainly called for, thesaurus!

    Punky Coletta recently posted Love Hurts.

  65. That extra “h” in hemorrhaging is totally unfair. Damn Greeks with their love of the “h.” They ruined ophthalmology too.

    Susannah recently posted Funny Friday.

  66. Saw you tonight and just want to let you know you can scratch out the “pretend” now.
    You ARE good at it.

  67. I think you would need to be enjoying the marijuana to be able to make the connection there. I hate it when the thesaurus screws with me, how am I supposed to find alternate words if thesaurus can’t even figure it out?

    Tara recently posted Lost.

  68. Dude.

    Ur thesaurus?

    Is fucked up.

    Dude.

    HogsAteMySister recently posted My Birthday List.

  69. That was a pretty good rerun.

  70. Yeah that’s pretty weird. I don’t see the connection either.

    Go home, thesaurus. You’re drunk.

    Sabrina recently posted Belated International Women's Day post: About Self-Image.

  71. Your thesaurus seems to be craving something. Hmm.

    And I totally meant to post this days ago, after your NJ signing/tour/thing. Cuz I had one of those starstruck ‘duh’ moments when I met you, and I wanted to make sure you weren’t offended or anything. I mean, I said something NICE, but… yeah. ~.~ I told you you had awesome friends. Which is true. You do! What I’d *meant* to say before my brain short circuited was that ‘omg your friends are as awesome as you are!’ and it came out… well.. nice but not the way I’d intended. Then I went home and I thought… ‘what if she thinks I meant she isn’t awesome too? I mean, most awesome people have awesome friends – it’s just the way things work but…’ And I told myself ‘when I get home, I’ll just say ‘hey, this is what I meant!’ on your NJ ‘come see me’ post. But then I fell asleep. And then I was woke up by my mom saying we had to take my dad to the hospital. NOT COOL. And as you can probably guess, I didn’t get a chance to say anything for days. But now dad’s coming home and my brain is still fixated on the ‘must clear things up’ thing… cuz my brain does that. So yeah. Your friends are as freaking awesome as you are, and I was singing ‘it’s a small world’ throughout wicked faire because what are the odds of running into a friend of Jenny’s in New Jersey in the middle of February, vending books and masks and awesome vintage pistols? (okay, I can totally see a friend of yours vending those things, but not in February in the middle of New Jersey) Yeaaah. Okay I’ll go and slink into a corner now that I’ve probably left you going ‘wtf is this and why is she worried about it?’ and all. Sometimes I just can’t do the word speech thing right. :-)

  72. I think the thesaurus was offering you marijuana, or at least suggesting you find some, as it knew you were in St. Louis and would need something to take the edge off. I can say that because I live in St. Louis, and can confirm the best way to live there is with the assistance of something for medicinal purposes. My drug of choice is vodka, but to each her own.

    Lisa Newlin recently posted My husband: Trying to find answers to some difficult questions.

  73. You know what tho… If I had just smoked some, I would totally be all “She wants a hit of this.” Thesaurus was trying to offer you weed without being super obvious… Just in case you were a narc.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    Valerie recently posted Eddie gets a birthday too... Sure, it's not as awesome as VALTEMBER, but it's still pretty cool..

  74. That’s hilarious. I would have thought vampires would come up before that!

    Batpoopcrazy recently posted Why is it husbands/boyfriends can sleep through a child barfing up a lung?.

  75. 75
    Jssaustintx

    Ok- I finally laughed harder at a comment then a post. Nice one Krisin.

  76. Not gonna lie. Kind of jealous that I blogged about farts today instead of weed.

    Kimmie recently posted An etiquette lesson from my four-year-old.

  77. It was great seeing you in St. Louis! We didn’t get to stay for the meet & greet (had to go get the kiddo from the sitter). The reading was hilarious, but it was the Q&A that really got to me. I work 7 days a week right now to make ends meet (husband got laid off, and all the jobs he’s been offered don’t even cover the cost of child care) and taking care of myself has very much been at the bottom of the priority list. As you talked about the red dress project, I was fighting back tears, and my husband looked and me and said “Baby, please find your red dress. You need to. Please do it.” I don’t know what it will be, but that is my goal for this year.

  78. So the thesaurus has a good connection? Just enough for the weekend?

    Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted It All Starts With Hello.

  79. Ya’ gotta admit, with a result like that, sometimes it feels like the internet really DOES know what you want,….more than you do.

    Jason
    The Cheeky Daddy

    Jason recently posted Child Illness - So Sick I Could Die.

  80. I’m reasonably certain that thesaurus.com has something personal against you. Or maybe it just fucks with Americans – although I’m not sure why it would. My ISP is in Toronto and it recommended the correct spelling for me, so take that however you will. Also, come back to the Toronto area! We miss you already! You can sleep on my couch and I will feed you waffles, and I’m not even crazy. Well, not in a scary way.
    BUT I have waffles! And booze!

    Otherkin recently posted Today I watched birds and played with my balls. They're new..

  81. Come to Grand Rapids MI!

  82. This has nothing to do with hemorraging or marijuana, did you know your book is now at Sam’s Club?! I moved some next to 50 Shades-you’re welcome;)

  83. I saw this and immediately thought of you. I would love to see where your mind would go with this product!
    http://www.perpetualkid.com/cat-in-a-can.aspx

    CyndyNewsome recently posted Things that will rock your world.

  84. I am SO sad. I was away from the real computer due to a bout of depression and/or perimenopause and/or stupid man in my life syndrome…and I missed that you were in St. Louis. I live there and would have come to see you! LOVE your writing!

  85. I’m so glad I got to see you in St. Louis! Unfortunately I had to go to work so i didn’t get to actually meet you :(. Still awesome none the less!

  86. Jenny, you make me laugh so much, more than just about anyone else. I’m just an old guy from England, but your writing gives me so much pleasure.

  87. Ah, I was supposed to see you in St. Louis on Friday night, but I ended up in another town altogether, sitting in a hospital chair. I hope you enjoyed Left Bank Books and the people who made it to the event!

    Sarah recently posted Snownami 2013.

  88. 88
    Chuck Coshow

    Here are some more of my friend Nara’s paper dolls, which you seem to like:

    http://neuroticowl.com/2013/03/10/saturday-take-two-the-actual-post-or-possibly-the-bloodening/

  89. Not that I’m taking sides with the thesaurus or anything, but sometimes people say things to me that I realize in HINDSIGHT I should have understood, yet in the middle of the conversation, everything is like bees, whooshing sounds or children whispering. Have you ever looked really hard at the word YELLOW and realized after a minute everything is broken? That’s what I’m saying. It can happen to the best of us, even thesauruses.usses.

    Adni recently posted Anne Lamott and me: honoring our moms.

  90. Why were you looking up hemorrhaging? Lol.

  91. I *did* come see you and it was THE BEST! You are amazing and I will treasure my signed book and picture forever =)

  92. ‘?????’

    Cathy recently posted 365 Poems: Reading edition.

  93. Thank you for coming to St. Louis! That was amazing! I’m so glad you picked that chapter to read. <3 Also, sorry if I scared you when I asked about what cookies you like! I meant to say that I bake, and I ask everyone that, but then I got brain-frozen because you are awesome.

  94. You have made my Tuesday afternoon a lot happier. Great read.

  95. I don’t know if anyone else asked this, but I’m throwing it out there: what the hell were you writing about, that you thought, “not only do I need to discuss bleeding out, but I absolutely MUST be sure it’s spelled correctly!!”?

    I’m curious….

    Hannah recently posted You’re Making Me Uncomfy in My Uh-Oh Place, and Other Workplace Tales.

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