So, I’m still trapped in moving hell, but it could be worse. I could be moving and also be on fire and covered in eels. I did, however, just get access to my computer for the first time in almost a week which is both a terrible relief and also reminds me of just how many deadlines I’m missing.
I’m tired. I’m sticky. I’m panicked about all the work that needs to be done just to bring this house up to code and I’m trying not to just hide in bed or start a bonfire in my office. I do have stories but I’m too drained and inappropriately whiney to do them justice but I promise they’ll be worth it. Probably.
BTW, this is a live shot of my office directly behind me:
I’m not moving again unless it’s in a coffin.
PS. In brighter, non-witty news, Hailey LOVES her new school, the cats have discovered the excitement of leaping on unsuspecting strangers from the top of the stairs, and I just found the original, dusty blueprints for this house which apparently included a “magic corner”, a panic room, and an enormous space in the attic labeled “GUN ROOM“. I can only guess that the original owners were necromancers.
PPS. Victor just read this over my shoulder and was like, “You think the original owners raised people from the dead?” and I was like “Oh, wait. No, not necromancers. What’s that other secret society? The Freemasons!” and Victor just shook his head, and then I was all “Magic, the Gathering?” and then Victor just walked away in disgust, and I screamed “THE ILLUMINATI!” right as the doorbell rang. It was the mailman and he looked very disconcerted, probably because he now thought I was expecting the Illuminati at the door, or possibly because the foyer is currently home to a haunted dollhouse, a five-foot paper-mache pig, half a bobcat, and a life-sized statue of Marie Antoinette holding a taxidermied cobra.
We are totally classing up the neighborhood.
I would love it if you’d scan & post those blueprints (or at least a portion). Sounds cool!
Lord, how I wish you were my neighbor!
You watch too much Bones. Thankfully so do I.
You know how sometimes you read something and think, “There’s no comment I could leave here that could make this any better?” Yeah. That.
So, uh, do those rooms still exist in the current house? If no, rebuild them, post-haste. If yes, dibs on the panic room.
Packing is the worst. And the worst part of packing is when you get to the end and just start shoving shit into boxes. I’ve lived in my house for 4 years now and we still have boxes full of shit from the move, packed away and ignored in the garage. Including one box that is just old computer magazines my husband refused to throw away. It’s heavy as hell and will likely never be opened again.
I’m going to need to see Marie Antoinette 🙂
Cooked eels are less gross than raw eels.
But then again, I feel that way about most of your posts. Hence why you are brilliant.
What I wouldn’t give to be your neighbor.
You have the coolest house, by the sounds of it 🙂 good luck and have fun unpacking!
Moving is the worst! I wish we could train pets to unpack. When my dog was a puppy, he crawled into a box I was unpacking when I wasn’t looking. I hid in the bathroom for two hours because I was convinced a rat was hiding in the box. I still have nightmares about it.
Cats are completely useless at unpacking. Though mine tries to eat the tape off the side of the box and then makes herself sick. And as soon as she’s finished puking up tape she’s right back at it, eating more tape.
My “magic room” is a closet with no door so you can imagine the hurried shenanigans with five kids in the house and a frisky husband. That was probably too much information. Sorry for the visual.
In all fairness, I’m pretty sure that the Illuminati ALSO is known for playing Magic, The Gathering. So you win on two accounts.
Moving is awful. We’re more than a year in and there are still boxes in our garage. I’m convinced someone told me this is acceptable so I’m not aiming to change it soon. Also, it is better to post the pathetic update because now I have laughed this morning and my day is better than it was. I’m glad the move seems to be generally going well for you.
Oh, seeing the post from Dr. Pants got me thinking. Is there room for a concert in the Panic Room? It just sounds so right.
–>Why did you move? I’m excited to hear about the new adventures of this house.
Please tell me you didn’t leave Beyonce sitting under the tree at the old place.
I hope you and yours have many happy, peaceful years in your new place. But not so peaceful that you have nothing to write about.
Glad Hailey is loving the new school! I think the new house sounds great. Dive-bombing cats and the Illuminati– the neighbours will think that’s tame when they meet your yard sculptures! xo
If you were covered in eels, it wouldn’t be all bad. Because you could scrape them off, smoke them, eat them on toast. I know this because I’ve lived in Spain and they do it all the time there. They also eat a lot of eel in Chile, where I’ve also lived, but they don’t prepare them as nicely there.
Glad you’re doing okay with the move. I tend to get all panicky and shut down at times like that. can’t wait to see more pics of the new house and also, those blueprints sounds FREAKING AWESOME. Post pics.
My house looks exactly the same! We started moving in Monday and I’m currently sitting on my butt reading an update about you trying to unpack everything. It all makes sense somehow.
If only I could be your neighbor 🙂
I’m all for pathetic crap. See my blog for details
Come on now, keep it tidy.
Your house sounds like the entrance to Narnia.
Take a pen and change it to GUM ROOM. Then filled with Hubba Bubba.
Unpacking = Special Hell.
Once my friend’s brother in law packed up their kitchen for them. He included the garbage. Good times.
I’m so with you. We just moved last month and I’m still unpacking. No original blueprints but I did find a secret room through the kids’ closet last week!
I just want to go on record as saying that that awesome birdcage and sweet wooden horse in the background are WAY too awesome for Hoarders.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Priceless!!! Moving is a hellish nightmare, thank you for going through it and bringing me to laughter along the way!!!!
I just want you to know that every time I read a post it makes my entire day. 🙂
Cats do their best work at night.
I can’t wait to see what the house is like once you’ve finished.
I hate moving. So much so that last time we did it, I cleverly got out of it by being forced on a 2-wk business trip. Had to give power of attorney to my husband so he could close on the house and move without me. That was four years ago; apparently I still owe him.
Don’t be too hard on your new mailman until you get everything put away and hung up; he’ll probably appreciate seeing that you aren’t a hoarder and that you’re just. . . An Illuminati???
WAIT, you have a “magic corner” too?! That’s what I call my office!
You would totally fit in in most of the neighborhoods in Brooklyn! By the way, Victor is wrong, you can never have too many taxidermied animals dressed as people!
Just think about what fun you can have with empty boxes, a bit of tape, some string and assorted food coloring!
“The Illuminati!” had me ROTFL.
Unpacking is overrated.
Just the idea of moving makes me actually want to be on fire and covered in eels. This way, nobody would want or expect any participation from me.
Sounds like a really cool house! I want one like that! We are trying to move too. It’s been a rather slow attempt.
Just wait for HST to sneak into a box of taxidermied animals and jump out as you’re unpacking some sort of moth-eaten mongoose in a ball gown 🙂
Well, hey, I see you unpacked a cat. Progress! Now doesn’t that call for a little treat?
OMG – I want to know what the magic corner was for. I need a magic corner in my house. And a panic room – I’m not worried about home invasions, I just want a quiet place for when I panic about random stuff like the bird flu.
Hang in the there – it will all be worth it!
You should charge admission to your house once it’s all in order. I would pay to see your things. The Official Museum of Jenny Lawson. Maybe you can have a life-size wax figure of yourself greet visitors at the door while you jump out of the magic room at later in the tour!
I’m with you on moving. I told my husband the last time we moved, that was it unless we plan to burn everything we own and start over again with new stuff. I was totally serious.
As a person who will likely be moving later this year, you have given me hope. I now aspire to find a house with a magic corner! Think of the possibilities!
Pretty floor. ^^
I was just thinking how stressed out I was but then I saw this post and you always make everything all better. Thanks for the laugh!
If you can’t lament moving, what CAN you do? Though, I have to admit, you’re blogs on the subject are eliciting some unwelcome panic attacks (amid the laughter) about our upcoming move.
Moving again? I thought you just moved! Or my time sense has gone to hell– a distinct possibility…
No one expects the Illuminati!
I often too wonder if I pathetic update is better than nothing at all. *ponders* I had a most helpful Eskimo dog that would blast through the pile of newspaper I was using to wrap breakables when I moved. It was fun. (Said no one ever.)
I’m dying to know – did Beyonce maek the move?
@Kara (#14), only if the concert is Panic! at the disco…
Necromancers sounds about right. Why else would there be both a magic room and a gun room?
^^What Alison said.
OMG, I needed that. Can I move in with you? I can hide in the magic corner.
That house sounds awesome! The previous owners were some characters for sure. A gun room, even here in Texas, is impressive (as I’m sure you know!). My dad only had a measly gun closet. Also, so glad Hailey loves her new school! I had to change schools a lot in elementary (six times!) and I know how hard it can be.
Just think how awesome it would be if you could punish Hailey by telling her to stand in the “magic corner” – too bad we don’t do that any more (do we?)
Hunter may want to consider a CODA meeting. 🙂
I wanna know more about this “magic room”. In my mind it’s like the room of requirement from Hogwarts. Please let it be like that!
Everything is all good as long as the kiddo is doing well and likes her new school. (Which my phone inexplicably tried to change to Hebrew school. Mazeltov?) Everything else will work out and be fine. I highly recommend hiding all unopened boxes in the magic room. Then they should open themselves, right?
Can we please get a current pictures of your foyer?
Just so we know exactly what the mailman saw.
I moved into my home 3 years ago, and some of the stuff is still in boxes. I guess that will make it easier for me the next time. 🙂
I wish you weren’t like, famous, now, and you could post a picture of your new (old) house. But then that’s like inviting stalkers in for a cold Dr Pepper, I guess.
JENNY LAWSON, EEL HATER. I hope you’re proud of yourself and your anti-eel prejudice.
I want to see the Marie Antoinette statue. Like, really really badly.
Dogs are no better at unpacking. Our dog only had two of the 300 boxes to unpack (that seemed fair enough) but after 6 months her boxes are still sitting unopened. At what point do I assume she’s just not going to do it?
Oh no, I gotta move soon. I’m just going to close my eyes, stay drunk for the next 3 weeks, and hopefully my wife will take care of everything.
Or else leave me. There’s always that option.
The neighborhood could probably use some class. I only just escaped moving hell last week. Good luck unpacking.
Of course you can’t expect HST to unpack for you…. he’s not the cat with thumbs.
Sorta like Hoarders but not quite. For that you’d need a floor covered in poop.
We’ve lived here for more than three years and I still haven’t completely unpacked. I’ve tried to convince the family it’s kinda like Christmas when I randomly grab a box and open it. They weren’t as impressed by the forgotten cake pans as much as I was.
Your neighbors have no idea how lucky they are! Well, unless they are like MY neighbors and then you will continually get looked at like you have a bird on your head. All. The. Time. I think they should mark on maps where all the quirky people live. That way we could all live near each other rather than unknowingly relocating ourselves to a neighborhood of people who think oatmeal is too rowdy.
Hmm. The oatmeal people might feel the same way, actually.
Right there with you sister! Moving sucks ass, but moving in during renovations brings it to the next level. Hang in there…
Please please please post a picture of your foyer, as is.
Omg. Panic Room + Books + Coffee Maker = Sanctuary!
I am feeling your moving nightmare pain. I am finishing a move into a home we are having built…I do need to put on my blueprints…Hiding Hole area, Private Sanctuary, Conspiratorial room to make everyone fat…(that would be my kitchen)
Is it bad that I have a small cement room in my basement that has 4 walls of cement, a cement floor and a cement ceiling? I have an door that is suppose to protect what is inside for 1 hour from fire. Like I am going to run to an underground room when my house is on fire….
Enjoy your new house….
Ugh! Moving! Why did you move?
I feel the same about my current house. I am NEVER moving again. They will take me out of here in my coffin!!!
I cannot tell you how happy I am to hear that Hailey loves her new school I was wondering about how she’s taking the move…you’re like a very dear friend who doesn’t know how much I care about you, but it doesn’t matter because you are a friend regardless of my feelings…which is kind of awesome in a twisted kind of way! 😀
I can’t wait to hear the stories and see some pictures…:)
Thanks for the update, Friend. It wasn’t pathetic, believe me.
It’s admirable following the many interesting tangents that connect in your mind. They make sense to me 🙂
Eels. EW.
You need to combine the Magic Room with MoldaviteSofa’s Gum Room and stock up on magic gum. When you blow a bubble, it will lift you into the air and take you wherever you need to go.
The people watching you will run and hide in the Panic Room–which, presumably, is filled with Prozac and Zoloft.
I was reading through your comments and saw someone mention the panic room. I was like, “There’s a panic room?” I realized I skipped over the panic room in favor of the gun room and the magic room. Interesting.
And here I thought you were going to say “and I screamed “THE ILLUMINATI!” right as the doorbell rang”…and it was Beyonce saying “knock knock, motherfucker.
My mother moved last year and somehow I ended up with 8 boxes of stuff shoved into a previously, perfectly box-free closet. Now I have to unpack. I still haven’t quite figured out how that happened.
I haven’t moved in 25 years. I’m just collecting stuff so that when i die and my son has to sift through everything and I can picture him swearing at me because of all the work he’ll have to do to clean it up, he can feel exactly how I felt when I cleaned up after him his entire life. Talking at him from the grave, holla!
My husband builds homes and we are about to put ours on the market. New home on my horizon. I will need to start coming up with explanations about what “magic room” is since I will be requesting one. I’ll need to be specific because I’m pretty sure my husband will have a different definition than I will.
The house sounds awesome! Im so glad your daughter is loving it!
I’ve never commented though I’ve been reading you for a long time. Just wanted to say, I wish you’d moved next door to me!
I can’t determine if you would be the most fun neighbor ever, or if I would be too scared to bring you a “welcome to the neighborhood” pie after hearing you scream about the illuminati.
…Naw. The giant metal chicken would probably be too inviting for me to resist. OMG did you bring Beyonce with you!?
Sounds like Hunter S Thompson needs to stop dressing like a unicorn and start unpacking.
I feel your pain. We just moved, with a 3 year old and a vengeful 10-year old dog who loves to make us pay for leaving him alone by pissing on anything cardboard. Yesterday I took our son to the playground to let off some energy and came home to a puddle of piss in my son’s black vinyl beanbag chair. Before I could clean it up I heard my son gleefully jump into the chair and exclaim “I’m all WET Mama!” So no, pets are NO help in packing OR unpacking. Good luck with the unpacking 🙂 It’s like finding new treasure, right?
Good luck with the unpacking. Victor is the luckiest man alive.
Illuminati! Love it. Cats are generally fucking useless in general, other than to put hats on them and take pictures.
NOBODY expects the Illuminati!!
Or the Spanish Inquisition. Them too.
And, shouldn’t the gun room be IN the panic room? Arming the intruders while stuck in a room sounds a bit dangerous.
Jodi: “secret room behind the closet”…was there a Superman suit? Please tell me you found a Superman suit.
Did you bring Beyonce?
I want to add to the “post the blueprints” vote, and also say that pathetic updates often turn out to be the best ones!
Did you move Beyonce too? Or is he still hanging outside of Victor’s old office, staring in the window waiting to surprise the new owners?
Does the panic room come with Xanax?
I am moving in 9 days AND pregnant. And I’ve packed a total of four boxes so far. Thank god my husband has a better work ethic.
I’m sorry you had to move, what a pain in the ass. Plus I loved your old office, it was so you.
If you do ever have to move again, won’t you be my neighbor?
Orrrrrrr maybe the mailman heard Illuminati and thought you were talking about Jay-Z. I wonder if the eels would keep you from getting too badly burned.
I still have things I haven’t unpacked from my last move…3 years ago…yeah. Don’t judge me.
And you are most DEFINITELY classing up the neighborhood because you, my friend, are classy as fuck.
I really need a panic attack room. It should have chocolate and a bubble bath and some Postal Service/Rilo Kiley on repeat. I wonder if that is something I could have built with our house. Assuming we build a house. If not, can you turn a closet into one? I have so many ideas right now.
Nah, the mailman was probably just upset he was not the illuminati. He must get that all the time.
If you do make a bonfire, I’ll bring marshmallows. But let’s make it outside, it will be nicer that way. Plus then you won’t have to explain to the firemen all the secret rooms in th house. They’d be suspicious.
Ooh, do you know what would be nice? To tell ghost stories in the gun room. Stories about ghosts and necromancers and all that. In the dark, of course.
You brought Beyonce with you to the new digs, too, right? Please say yes. I may have missed something. 🙁
Thank you for brightening my horrible day, and for reminding me of the pleasures of moving, which I will endure next weekend.
I would totally want you and Marie Antoinette as my neighbors.
I would have preferred a shot of postman Pat’s view!
Oooh! Scan those blueprints! I will totally build your house as a house in The Sims and it will be complete with a magic corner! That would even be enough to get me to install the expansion pack to get magic!
We’re moving in exactly 45 days, and I am NOT looking forward to it!
And I could see our mail carrier giving me the raised eyebrows for exactly the same kind of thing. LOL. Poor mail carriers. They come upon so much crazy, even when it’s not as crazy as it seems.
IF the foyer is currently home to a haunted dollhouse, a five-foot paper-mache pig, half a bobcat, and a life-sized statue of Marie Antoinette holding a taxidermied cobra… WHERE THE FUCK IS BEYONCE? Did she make the move? I’ve missed so much… 🙁
I hope our move is as funny as yours! Taking 6 cats, 5 dogs, 3 teens, and cramming them into a tiny loft at the top of my parents barn, 964 miles from where we are living now.
The rooster. Tell me you still have the rooster. And the T.A.R.D.I.S. My husband still talks about the rooster.
Ugh. I’m moving to Florida this fall and not looking forward to possible necromancers in corners. And really, you never know. Hopefully HST is alert enough to jump on any nefarious presence’s (or Illumaniti’s) head. He needs to earn his keep before he earns the Unicorn punishment again.
Or the mailman looked disconcerted because he is a member of the Illuminati and thinks you have blown his cover identity already. Which will, of course, lead him to wonder if all the neighbors know now, or if they have known all along and were just being polite.
Go for pathetic, it’s my fall back. I feel for you, having experienced or is that survived two moves myself last year. Maybe if you threatened to replace the cats with robotic packing cats they’d get off their lazy asses and help you. Just a thought.
-Gina-
How is Beyonce handling the move?
Oh how I wish you were classing up my neighborhood. I’m the only classy (crazy) lady here….
Definitely better to post the update because even when you’re whiny and tired, you’re hilarious
Brings back memories of our move a year ago. Our new place has an area we’ve dubbed the Beer Closet. Only there are shoes mixed in with the homebrew stuff. And picture frames. But we don’t let that stop us from accessing the beer. We drink with shoes on.
On the plus side, your new office looks big and bright and airy. It will be a great place to work when you finally get it set up.
You really need to find/restore the magic corner. If it worked, it could protect you from zombies, werewolves, and Ebola. If not, it would be a conversation piece.
So you HAVE seen American Horror Story, Season One, right? Just kidding….best wishes in your new abode. 🙂
OMG! Thank you for the laugh.
You basically are the Addams family! Amazing. 🙂
My friend Roseann moved into a house that had a marijuana-grow room and a half-sized locked door in the bedroom that led to a half-size painted purple and filled with black lights. Ummmm….OK.
Why did you move? Was it the gap at the bottom of the bathroom door from which Hunter S. Thomcat could watch you pee? Did I miss that post? And why do you need to bring your new house up to code?
Sorry. It’s Wednesday. On Wednesday I’m full of questions.
OMG I actually snorted out loud to that last part.
Your mailman should start a blog about visits to your door.
I certainly hope that Beyonce is there to greet the delivery men and new neighbors!
You got blueprints. I got raccoons that peed down the outside of my bedroom window. You cannot wash that shit off asitturnsout.
I am totally coming to help you unpack. You have the best stuff.
Oh Jenny we really need to be friends. Lol.
All I want to know is what will be in that birdcage?
I cannot even tell you how much I LOVE YOUR BRAND OF CRAZINESS!!!!!
Just to make you feel better, here is the CUTEST orange kitty who doesn’t want to wake up
I saw it and immediately thought of you, my kitty (who looks exactly like HST). Hope it brightens your day just a little.
I moved three days before last Halloween. I still have several boxes yet to be unpacked. They are pictures for the walls upstairs and clothes. Until very recently, I was pregnant and didn’t need those clothes. Now that they fit again, they smell like cardboard. I am going to have to wash them all or smell like cardboard. It may just be easier to go naked from now on.
I love you. That is all.
Let me know if you change your mind about this being a site for necromancy. I could perform a blog expelliarmus spell or something.
Having been fed an omelette teeming with baby eels I just have to say NO to amysrevenge.
And also? I may want to start a fight with Ellie Di over the panic room. Unless the magic corner is really cool. If it is, then it is my first choice.
Normally I don’t ‘start things’ in blog comments, but the eels thing is a really mean lie so that when you go to Caracas, and someone takes you into an odd little Spanish restaurant that you can’t even tell is there from the outside (creepy already!) and orders you an omelette and they bring it and put it down in front of you… well so you don’t have to freak out. Like I did. And also? So you don’t marry that guy. Cause I already did. You know… the first time I had a meal with my husband he took me to brunch at the Biltmore. And had me ‘taste this’. I asked if it was avocado and he just smiled, which I thought was a silent yes, you know? But that son-of-a-mother was feeding me wasabi! Coincidentally, that was the day I learned what wasabi was. Wasabi, omelettes teeming with baby eels… hey! He’s not as ‘nice’ as he thinks he is!
I may or may not be going downstairs to his office to start a fight!
Magic corner AND gun room? I need to put out an ad looking for a house like yours.
I wish you were in my neighborhood. It’s in dire need of some classing up. Except for the fact we are experiencing the never-ending-winter, it’s the perfect place to live. Although, no magic corners…and I really want that birdcage you have in the background. It’s so big, I bet I could fit one of my kids in it. Not that I would do that…
And also? Tom! Tom’s going down!
Cooked eels are NOT COOL, PEOPLE, NOT COOL!
A large six cup pot of fresh tea and chocolate biscuits are essential for all house moves. Just think of the boxes as handy foot stools for when you have a lovely cup of tea and a biscuit.
Moving Sucks!
On a completely unrelated note my brother painted his closet black mostly because my mother told him he couldn’t (he was 18) the closet is still black. My dad has this idea to keep it black and when they sell the house tell people that they can’t paint over it but not explain why. I think it’s a great idea not one that will sell the house just a great idea. My dad is the one I inherited most of my weird from.
Magic Corner, Panic Room, and Gun Room = well armed fairies with anxiety. Yikes!
I totally admire your up-beatness and positivity about moving. I hate moving and my dog hates moving too. In fact she is now on Prozac thanks to having her bed moved from one room to another when our baby arrived last year. Good luck unpacking and settling into new office!
Can we see some pictures of the new house, please? I also throw my voice in for a scan of the blueprint and wanting to know if those rooms still exist! Also . . . the paper mache pig?
I know what you mean by never moving again. We moved from TX to AZ a little over six months ago and I am never doing it again, Unless they start a colony on the moon or mars than I am all over that. It does not help that a month after we move in the people next to us just disappear and the next day new people move in no moving trucks or anything. They just show up claiming the old people were evicted and they bought the place. The new people were odd as fuck to. We thought they were tweakers or something. kept all kinds of strange hours would stay up and be active for days at a time, their kids only went to school when they wanted, all kinds of drifters and homeless people coming to the back door, and no power or water but always had brand new stuff. Turns out they were squatters and thieves. They had their kids (6 years old and 8 years old) go around to there friends’ homes and steal their keys then they would copy them and take them back. Latter mom, dad and friends would break into the house and take things. They were also stealing bikes, and cars. They were arrested and taken away a few weeks ago and now there is a professional cleaning crew at the house with two of the big dumpster trucks they just keep bringing shit out. It is kind of frightening how much they had in there it is not that big of a house maybe 2500 sq ft. Sorry I think I got into a bit of a ramble there anyway the point of all that is I know the pain of moving and I hope unpacking goes well.
I swore the last 3 times I moved that it could be the last time. Um, yeah, I’m moving again, BY CHOICE, as soon as I find a place to buy and get to closing.
The first time my hubby and I moved “as a couple” he had everything UNPACKED AND PUT AWAY within 2 DAYS! Granted, nothing was where I WANTED IT TO BE, but the boxes were gone. He can’t stand having half-empty boxes just standing around sitting idle. It is now 18 months since our last move, and now that I’m packing again, I’m finding all sorts of “lost” shit that I couldn’t find, so I purchased new all over again.
Let’s just say he won’t be unpacking anything this time…unless it’s HIS STUFF. Then when he asks me, “Honey, where’s my…(whatever)?” I can say with a smile, “You packed it, you UN-packed it, YOU FIND IT!! And NO you CAN’T buy a NEW one.”
“I could be moving and also be on fire and covered in eels.”
I’m going to remember that next time I’m trapped in exam hell. It could be worse, I could be in exam hell and on fire and covered in eels. 🙂
good luck on the rest of your move… I’m so DONE with moving.. 3 times from US to Canada and back again is enough.
If you think this is pathetic you are dead wrong! Hilarious and weird as hell, but not pathetic. XO
I am sure that the cat was clear on his role and responsibilities in the move. LOVE the floor though.
The Kidless Kronicles
there is enough there to send anyone into a panic attack let alone…yeah…
here’s to the funny still in there while chaos reigns!
First of all, you should have moved to Washington State so that you could come over for Pasketti whenever you want.
Second of all, I’m super glad you set up your computer so that the plethora of boxes was *behind* you so you didn’t break out with a cold sweat every time you looked up.
Thirdly – I’m terrified to move because basically? All the shit we have in the basement that I’ve SWORN we were saving for something SUPER IMPORTANT? Yeah…it’s gonna get shit-canned…I just know it! Then, in our new house, when we need a 1983 issue of Architectural Digest? WE ARE GONNA BE SHIT OUTTA LUCK, MAN!
I think I need a wine slushie.
In answer to your question: I’ve always favored an 80/20 split. That is, 80% of your posts should be pathetic updates while 20% should not happen at all. Hope that clears things up for you.
I only discovered your blog last week and I am completely hooked and read it in its entirety. Also ordered your book, can’t wait to read it. You so have a new fan.
PS: Don’t worry I am not going to stalk you. I totally live on another continent (South Africa, Africa). Stalking would be super expensive and besides I have a blog as well and a day job. So I have no time for shenanigans.
Are you familiar with the Winchester Mystery House? Because you may have just moved into its little sister. If the urge to start building a crapload of additions strikes, get an exorcist…or at least put out some nice crudites for the “visitors”.
I wouldn’t call this pathetic at all… just flustered. It sounds like your house has a little adventure to it and who doesn’t like to freak out their mail guy? Hugs.
Ugh, moving!!!! I will be doing this soon. We are in the process of buying our first home. I already and twitching for the Xanax. Then sight of your office is making me panic.
By the time I got to ILUMINATI, I was laughing so hard, hubby demanded I get away from the computer. I have a fever and apparently I’m not allowed to read anything funny when sick. He’s totally wrong, but I’m too sick to argue, so I’ll be reading it again tomorrow when he’s at work. And all the comments too, because there is no better medicine than your blog. Period!
My husband thinks cats are fucking useless at everything except being in your way which is why my daughter does not have a cat yet. She will get one eventually. Good luck getting unpacked!! (The only thing worse than packing is unpacking.) Your neighbors are lucky that you will bring interest to their lives! 😀
Y’know what made this hilarious post even funnier? Imagining the day when your mailman knows you well enough to not even bat an eye anymore. He knocks, you answer the door to exclaim in glee about the dead badger you were expecting today, and he waits while you tear it open. “A jar of deer testicles? When did I order…? Oh, right! Thanks!”
Several moves ago – before we swore off moving for the rest of our lives – we had a “professional” moving company whose contract stated that they would unpack all the boxes. They unpacked them by cutting off the top of each box, turning it upside down on the floor and then lifting the box off the contents, leaving cubes of inverted paper-wrapped stuff all over the house. The movers pointed out that “unpacking” does not include “putting away”. On a good note, it forced us to get everything put away because we couldn’t easily hide boxless contents in a closet. Not that we didn’t try.
Our house has an actual Library – floor to ceiling bookshelves on 3 sides – and an “Outlook” – an octagonal room off our 2nd floor bedroom with windows on 7 sides – but now I want a Magic Corner, too.
Hang in there! You’ll manage through the hell of moving and when it’s safely behind you (get thee behind me, moving!) it will all have been worth it.
Meanwhile tell that cat to start earning his keep!
I hope Beyonce made the move with you. Please tell us there is a special spot outside you’ve picked out for her!
Glad you posted! It will eventually turn into a living space. Trust me. (On the other hand I still have unopened boxes from when I moved 10 years ago… I may not be the best source of encouragement)
OMG! If you were my new neighbor I would totally sneak into your house when you were gone and unpack stuff so you’d think HST did it! Not in a stalkerish kind of way thou! Probably.
Your mailman has no idea of all the weird shit he has to look forward to on his route.
Yes, please post the blueprints. They sound way over the top, even for Texas 😉
I see floor, and it’s clean. You’re not quite a hoarder yet 🙂
The picture reminds me of the old adage: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
There’s no race. No finish line. Take your time to find just the right spot for things (the dump is always an option). Keep us posted. We hang on your every word, you know. Oh… no pressure :-0
I want to see the blueprints! Maybe a Necromancer dollhouse is next?
I am currently in moving limbo… we are fixing up one house while staying in the other. The last few weeks, the BF has said we’d be moving by the weekend. Then all of a sudden it’s Friday and something else has to be fixed.
Moving is Hell.
Did you bring Beyoncé?
You need to pick up where the previous owners left off. Maybe the bobcat would like a second chance at life!
Where is this picture of Marie Antoinette holding a cobra? I want to see this!
I am going to echo a lot of other commentators here and ask: Beyonce is there, right? RIGHT? Beyonce is why I started reading your blog and fell in love with you in a way that isn’t as creepy as maybe you are thinking it is, but enough that maybe my fiance should be concerned.
I may not sleep very soundly until I know Beyonce’s fate, Jenny!
NEVER shut up. Especially when Victor tells you to.
Also in moving hell. At least your floors look shiny. We have had workmen in here while we move so it is total hell. You crack me up!
Lol well, its better than having the illuminati at the door and yelling “pizza!”
actually no i take that back… nothing is better than the illuminati at the door.
At least the kitty is dust mopping your floor. Definitely could be worse.
Don’t forget you packed a cobra. Unless you’ve named the chupacabra Marie Antoinette, in which case it’s unpacked already and never mind.
You will get all the unpacking done in no time! it just takes a day(or a week) of organization. At least your kitty doesn’t seem to mind all the boxes 🙂 Those blue prints are probably really cool to look at. I agree with the poster above about sharing what it looks like.
I hate moving. Every single time, and I’ve moved like 20 times. I always lose things, break something and just feel miserable through the whole damn process. Blarg. Good luck with it.
That’s awesome
Don’t worry, the mailman will get used to you. Or not.
I was wondering why you were moving…your last house seemed pretty nice from what little snippets and pictures we saw through the blog…but now I understand. Who wouldn’t want to move into a house with a magic corner, a panic room and a gun room. I hate moving, but that would make it worthwhile…to me, anyway. 🙂
Pictures! We need pictures! And on a different topic, get your hands on a current (May) issue of Country Living, turn to page 68. Knock, knock motherfucker indeed. Victor should be grateful that you haven’t been to North Dakota lately.
Don’t worry about how long it takes you to unpack. My parents bought their first house in 1976 when I was two. They moved out in 2004 and found boxes in the attic still unopened from when they moved in. If you can get it all unpacked in less than 28 years you’re doing great! 🙂
WOW! can we be neighbors. Love your wittiness. You and my husband would get along well with his sarcasm. LOL!! I am about to move as well across country and I tell you I am dreading it cause I hate packing.
We’re moving into our brand-new house next week, so I feel your pain.
Jay-Z (my sock monkey) would like to know Bey’s current whereabouts.
The only things we’ve found while moving are old newspapers and a mummified mouse. Bleck!!
Does the magic room have arcane symbols painted on the floor? I’m thinking demonologists who needed a fallback panic room when their demon summoning went awry. Hopefully, the gun room is on the way to the panic room. If not, one has to wonder, What were they thinking?! I have an unopened box from a move twenty years ago marked “Important! Open First!” Uh, yeah. I didn’t.
Leaches, leaches are way worse than eels. Pick a room, shove all of the unpacked boxes into it (of course, in neat stacks), close the door and walk away. Open the door every morning and take one box out and unpack it, putting everything in its appropriate place. Throw away all the crap you do not have a place for yet. Close the door immediately after opening it or you will spend your day determining which box the f-ing cat is in now. Just went through moving two complete homes (one containing total pack-rats) into one new house. My cats and large quantities of ice wine were a great help. Good Luck!
Will Beyonce be moving with you?
I was about to ask “Where’s Beyonce?” when I decided that maybe other people are concerned with making sure that a giant metal chicken was not forgotten, also. Sure enough, my ‘page search’ says that Beyonce is mentioned 15 times before me. You people are awesome.
when did you sneak into my newly-moved into house and take pictures. If it wasn’t for the garage, we would BE on that show Hoarders. We are still moving things from the old house garage. Thankfully I have become a ruthless thrower awayer — some hauler is going to make a bundle in a couple of days. I did find my wedding pictures tho’, and I will shamefully admit that I posted a “Victory” post on Facebook when I found the box that held all the plastic leftover containers….yes, my life has come to that. I will start looking for a magic corner, lord knows that would totally lighten things up. Oh, we also “inherited” about 30 bottles of various booze….you can imagine the cocktail parties among the boxes. Life is good, we love our new house.
First I believe we all deserve a picture of the blueprints because some of us might need ideas on how to build our own magic & panic rooms. Second we needs lots of pictures of this new house. preferably with everything still placed in weird places.
I love you Jenny! You WILL feel better about the move soon, and as soon as that happens, you’ll start to remember incredibly random, yet hilarious things that occurred, and you’ll continue to bring joy to the hearts of all of your readers!
If I ever have to move I plan to go on a glamorous ’round the world cruise while hiring moving and unpacking people. That way I can just return to a complete new home.
Now if I could just win the lottery….
Here’s a piece of advice someone once gave me about moving: Be careful that you don’t accidentally throw away a kitty in a box you’ve unpacked.
Yeah, I didn’t find it all that helpful, either.
Strangers coming to the door at awkward moments make some great stories. I remember that one time when the pest guy showed up unexpectedly and I was pumping in front of the TV… that was fun… we have a new pest control company now… and the time the mailman came to my grandparents’ while my cousin was having hysterics on the front porch… she inherited that house and, presumably, the mailman. Good times! Thanks for the reminder.
I can’t wait till you put a giant chicken next to your letter box. The mailman won’t know what’s hit him.
Jenny, with you, the answer will ALWAYS be “post the update”. You bring the best smiles to my day.
Good luck with the unpacking! I still have boxes in my garage from moving in 11 years ago. (And I swear there were boxes in there from when Grandma & Grandpa had moved in in 1954. I swear!)
(((huggles)))
You and your clan can class up my neighborhood anytime!
I am SO with you on the moving. When we moved into this house, I promised myself — and assured my husband — that we would not move for AT LEAST ten years. That was 2.75 years ago, and now it looks like we’re going to be moving again. In June. Just shoot me now, please?
Please tell us Beyoncé moved with you, though! After someone removed the hornet’s nest, obviously.
that cat looks so life like.
We must have a pic of the chicken’s new placement!
Moving hell – I feel your pain! I want up in our attic last week, we can never move, just the thought of sorting that out is too much for me. I would like a panic room though, just for those days when that is exactly how I feel…
Great. Now I want half a bobcat just so I can refer to a room in my house as “the one with half a bobcat.”
Best I have right now is the cat-brary.
Looking at those pictures I start to tremble. I hate moving with passion and if someone says they like it, they must be lying. Anyway this is what waits for me and looking at it makes me thing maybe I just let my daughter go to this sucky school by us just so we don’t have to pack all the crap we have here (just kidding, because there is no way she will put even her big toe in the doorway of that school) but I’m still hopping that by some miracle I will cheat my way into the really good school by us. (high hopes). Good luck to you with your unpacking and please come to New York for book signing so I can meet you (even though it will be really hard to sign my book since I bought the iPad version) so I can take a picture of us and say and brag about it in my blog. Until then…..
Your fan Timea
I wish you lived in my neighborhood…
Glad to see the cats have made themselves at home. Ours hit for two weeks after we moved. They ate the food we left out and made box deposits, don’t know where they were most of the time.
A pathetic update is better. 🙂
And I HATE moving with a passion for it so I feel your pain. Why the move? Did y’all decide to give up on country living?
Love the updates and pics , thanks.
My mind is reeling at the magic corner. The possibilities are endless … and sort of terrifying or awesome or terrifawsome? I am really boggled by what that could mean. Does it have a secret panel? Does the wall spin? Is there a portal to another dimension? Gah! I must research possible meanings for “magic corner” on a blueprint.
Adopt me. Please.
Every time I tell myself we’re never moving again, one of us gets retrenched or the landlord decides to sell the house to more respectable people. I vowed next time we have to move, I’m burning everything down instead.
I honestly laughed so hard I almost couldn’t read this to hubby. Thanks for the continuous giggles in life!
I’m right there with you on the necromancer/freemason thing. My friends are on a rumchata kick, but I keep accidentally calling it chupacabra. Which, incidentally, is your fault because it started when I was reading your book. 😀
When I have to move next, I’m posting that photo everywhere to make me feel better about myself.
I moved on Sunday, into a friend’s house (who is awesome and not charging me rent because long story) and most of my stuff is in boxes in the back room, off my bedroom, and there it will all stay until I move again. Which hopefully won’t be soon, but the upside is, whenever it happens, most stuff is already packed! The downside is I can’t find anything. Like pants. I couldn’t find any pants the day after the move. I have since found them, but really, that’s the kind of thing one should plan for a little better. Also, moving is awful and I suck at it and I think I ruined a couple friendships because I had several meltdowns on the day, and now I’m so drained, physically, mentally, psychically, that I don’t even have the energy to apologize and thank these people…I’m going to try to make my own magic corner now…
I, too, would move if it meant I could discover the excitement of leaping on unsuspecting strangers from the top of the stairs. To quote a Disney movie, everybody wants to be a cat.
Pics of some of the leaps, please?
Should we be worried that the bird cage is empty? Hunter S. is looking mighty pleased with himself.
Beyonce moved with you, right?
ha! the freemasons. my hubby talks smack about the freemasons anytime it’s ever come up. to this day i have no idea what they actually are because over the years he’s fed me so much hogwash about them.
Second to moving, for generally sucking right out loud is clearing a house after a death. I am in the midst of emptying my mom’s house, and besides everything having some memory attached to it, I am constantly amazed at the amount of straight up crap she kept. There are three boxes DATED from the time they moved into that house in 1966 that I haven’t had the energy to even open. They have been sealed for 47 years, why disturb things? Of course, the mental drama of this activity is enhanced by knowing we plan to move into that house, so I will have to pack MY house. I so need a fairy godfather to just make it all happen. Hang in there babe, it will be worth it in the long run!
We have a kangaroo statue in our front yard, which I guess makes us WAY more entertaining than the people we bought the house from, because the UPS guy has fallen in love. With the kangaroo, not with us. Though that would be disconcerting, too.
OMG! Did you move to Littleton, CO?? I was driving around a neighborhood next to ours and saw a 5′ Beyonce in their front yard! Is it you? Oh please tell me it’s you!!!
Do NOT forget to pack Hunter.
Or your panic.
Since now you have a WHOLE ROOM for it.
THIS is success!
You total show-off! Look how those boxes are so orderly, smaller boxes on top of larger boxes and no liquid actively oozing out of them? Are you some kind of Martha Steward of moving? And Hunter S. looks so goddamn proud. Of living with Martha Stewart Show-Off moving people.
Please tell me that you still have Beyonce and the TARDIS. And that y’all are still in Texas. And that you will eventually be happy here. My husband says that we share a brain because I have wanted a giant metal chicken fo over two years now. ( I actually lknow where one lives here in San Antonio, but, they keep it inthe backyard). My husband can identify with Victor so tell him he is not alone. Love you honey. You need any help, you just call me.
I hate moving.. its SO much work…
I would imagine mailmen have some phenomenal stories to tell..
It’s always better to give us an update 🙂
Good luck with the boxes, at least there is still space to unpack them 🙂
Today at work I shouted “weird vagina” right as a customer walked through the door. There are worse things you can yell than “illuminati”.
Jenny, you are da bomb – but you knew that. Right? If you didn’t, there, I told you.
Glad to hear Haley is happy and clearly Hunter S. is basking in it all. You will get there.
28 MoldaviteSofa — oh man, blew coffee out my nose! (comment 28)
Diane Weber — I feel your pain. We are currently cleaning out our Mom’s home- she died in Jan. She was a hoarder- and she lived there for…wait for it… 64 years. (comment 229)
I just finished reading your whole blog and I just wanted to tell you, it and you are amazing! I have had a blast and cried and learned a lot and now I need to go buy your book. I suffer from social anxiety myself and I know you hear this a lot, but it is so helpful to know I am not going through all of this alone. It is even better to see that, contrary to what people have told me, I can do the things I want to even if sometimes I let my social issues get in the way. that I can be a good wife, an amazing mother and follow all my dreams. So really thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You are fantastic!
P.S. It’s nice to know we aren’t the only ones living with a crazy adorable ginger cat
My mother always said that sometime during the process of moving you have the right to lie down on the floor, pound your fists and drum your heels and throw a complete tantrum like a three year old. It’s that stressful, and you will feel better for it afterwords.
Tell Victor I gave you permission.
The last time I moved, I invited my parents for a two week visit. Two days before their arrival, I called my mom and said, “By the way . . . we just moved. Wanted to give you my new address.” Mom had my house in order before I had the master bed made.
I love you. If you ever stop writing, I will kill myself.
I understand not showing a blueprint of your own house, but I am soooo curious. Please, please, please show a picture of the magic corner on the blueprint.
have you featured marie antionette on your blog? i can’t recall seeing her.
totally not even qualified to be on Hoarders…i can still see quite a bit of the floor!
Love it! I feel inspired to become a collector of unusual things whenever I read posts that highlight your awesome belongings!
The cat is awesome at posing, though. I mean, how perfect is that.
All a panic room sounds like to me is a place that the cat gets in to and then can’t figure out how to get out of and there’s a great deal of panic involved with locating the cat.
you so definitely are classing up the neighborhood, y’all. so what if you have a houseful of stuffed heads and unicorn cats instead of stuffed shirts? your collection is more interesting than most of the neighbors can ever hope to be….
As long as your family and pets are happy, please feel free to:
hide in bed,
start bonfires,
drink lots of beer,
fear necromancers,
confuse the mailman,
take lots of naps,
ignore deadlines,
eat lots of ice cream,
watch Godzilla movies,
and try to get your brain around the fact that your material life is now a pile of unmarked, scraggly, pathetic, taped up cardboard boxes that multiply when you sleep. I’m just saying…………….. (I speak with some permission giving understanding here, I moved 15 times in 30 years with 4 kids mixed in)
You can do this !!!!!!
Give that happy pony a uni-horn – STAT!
oh no..The Illuminati mailman is now going to keep you under surveillance for calling him out.
And Beyonce and the Tardis are…?
I love this. Mostly because I have screamed about the Illuminati at inappropriate times as well.
Also, apropro of Free Masons, did you know that Shriners are the wittier, jokier, happier version of Masons? True story; check out their history. Also, they have ridiculously awesome titles, and your time could be spent in worse ways than thinking of your own ridiculously awesome title. Mine is Impervious Sovereign Ringleader Supreme, and my cohort-in-crime’s is Imperious Arbitrary Majesty Absolute (Woman of Wonders). Fezzes for everybody!!
I bet that Ferris with his extra thumbs would actually be good at unpacking, if he gave a crap.
Please, please, please tell me that Beyonce made the move too! Please!!???
I feel your pain…moving SUCKS! On a more positive note, Pikachu (my pug–one of two;the other is Dookie) is home!!! Home…with a lot fewer boxes than your home…sorry, just saying…:)
Pictures of this menagerie in the center of the room or it didn’t happen.
Oh and I’m sure your mailman has walked up to worse, probably housewives half undressed willing to do anything for their…ok I knew I shouldn’t have started watching General Hospital again, but damnit, it was the Nurses Ball& RICK SPRINGFIELD. But yeah, my brain is trash.
ok, moving on. ha No really no more moving, don’t go anywhere. I hate moving. My mom is a real estate agent and was bored quickly with our homes so we moved a LOT after my parents divorced. I hate packing with a passion now, BUT I have it down to a beautiful science. Unpacking? ha yeah right.
Oh, and every time my husband and I move I somehow lose boxes of my books. My movers always hate me, seriously hate me. Because of all of our books. So the move before this one we realized I was missing BOXES of my books. It made me very, very sad. And my wallet even sadder when I had to rebuy many of them.
Your posts make me so happy — I’m so glad that someone else understands what a “terrible relief” it is to get back to the computer after a few days of withdrawal. And it’s a brilliant way to phrase it. Fingers crossed that there are more details about these blueprints/info on previous owners. I sense another book chapter in the making.
Talk about Random Crap! So tonight the hubs and I are flipping through the channels and run across that strange obsession show and they are showcasing this woman named:Kelly Foxton- her obsession: pet squirrels (live ones) that she has spent over 10k dressing. My first though: Jenny Lawson must know about this! You thought you were crazy w the Cuban alligator and little mice- you don’t hold a candle to this Kelly and her squirrel named Sugarbush. (No, I’m not making this up- that’s impossible.) Check it out!
All of the humorous fodder that is in this post and the comments, and all I can do is think…. ” I WANT THAT ROCKEY HORSE THING IN THE PICTURE! *COVET COVET COVET* ” I am holding you responsible for that broken commandment, Lady — don’t think I won’t throw you under the bus Beelzebub drives around town!
Just make sure you unpack and display your various animal collections ASAP. I mean, a girl’s gotta have priorities.
I also enjoy your posts when you’re whiney and cranky, although I suspect Victor isn’t much of a fan. Obviously, my opinion counts more than Victor’s, so whine away!
Am I the only one who is worried Hunter S Thomcat is going to lock our Dearest Bloggess in the panic room?
Please tell me Beyonce is in the yard.
Moving from old place to new one really sucks!!I can feel your pain because i was part of this thing.
Please please please tell me you didn’t leave Beyonce at the other house?
I’m begging for a picture of Marie Antoinette holding a taxidermied cobra. Otherwise, I will obsess about it for the rest of my life.
I’ll bet all the strange taxidermy was a nice surprise for the moving crew. Ill bet they get sick of boxes and wall hutches.
Definitely better to post the update – we miss you!
I have moved this week too, so your very honest feelings about the whole process make me feel much better. And I feel much better about my gargoyles. 🙂
Score no Tape on the floor and Your very own office walls already there yay you!!!!!!
And a Magic Panic room I’m with the poster I hope it’s like the room of requirements I sometimes walk around my house staring at walls with a stick in my hand saying the magic words and wishing for what I need and nothing! How lucky are you to have one!!!
Also so hope Beyonce made it to the new house though when I read that first comment I was wondering if you made The Hubby kill the bees or you just sedated them with smoke like in the Hunger Games for the trip and when they came to they were all like wtf just happened where are we?!?
Nice floors. Is that a Texas pier-and-beam? If so, free crawl space.
Your kid is HAPPY, your cat is content and Victor is still around. AND you have gorgeous hard woods! What more could you possibly ask for? Can’t wait to hear your stories. Would love to see more of your house. And what lies beneath.
My hunch is that the mailman is actually tied to the Illuminati, and he was simply startled that you knew that already.
I’ve lived in my house for 16 years… my stuff and I have become physically ingrained in it’s structure. I couldn’t move out of it if I wanted to. When I die they’re going to have to drop the whole structure in the hole.
And my cats are good at unpacking, but not in a good way.
tammigirl, just to clarify, the eels you were served are onagi, not wasabi. Wasabi is that horseradish-y, spicy-hot green stuff that is frequently used as a condiment for sushi.
Jenny, love the way your floor matches Hunter’s coat. All the better to trip you when you’re not paying close attention. And I join the multitude of others who question Beyonce’s new location.
All the best to you in your new forever home.
I want to see photos of the entry way. It sounds WONDERFUL and full of Whimsy. That’s the word, yea, WHIMSY…. (insert nervous laugh here….)
I totally get the whole moving thing. A couple of years ago, we moved all of our crap across the state of Texas to a new house, stayed there two weeks, and then moved it all back across the state to our old house. Long story…but I reached the point where I was tired of dealing with the all of the crap we had, so I’d open a box, look in it for 5 seconds, think “I’m not dealing with this”, close it back up, and haul it out to the dumpster. Every now and then Hubby asks where something is – I can only imagine it’s in a landfill in west Texas.
As for your new-to-you house with the secret room(s)…I’m totally fricking jealous. It would be awesome if you could post excerpts of the plans showing how they concealed the rooms without comprimising security.
Please, PLEASE post a picture of your life-sized Marie Antionette holding a taxidermied cobra. That is one of the most awesome phrases I have ever read in my life.
Jenny,
If I remember correctly, you and your family are from West, Texas. I am praying that you and yours have been spared by this horrific accident.
With peace,
Christine
Your office boxes are all in one room _AND_ your PC is operational? SCORE!
By the way, I love your rocking horse — if you ever see HST in it, that could make a beautiful picture!
Although HST in the birdcage might be even funnier, I think he would have evil things to say about me if you used that idea.
I would pay an unreasonable sum of money to see Hunter S. Thomcat ride the rocking horse.
Not that I want to tell you how to design your house, but might I recommend putting the Haunted Dollhouse in the Magic Corner because awesome? And I would fill the panic room with the taxidermy pieces so when you’re panicked and you run in there it’ll be like a thousand animals are attacking whoever’s in there which will be totally hilarious as long as it’s not you.
That’s how my office looks all the freaking time… except replace those boxes with books and clothes…. and replace the cat with a Husky. Also, please tell me you took Beyonce with you.
I need to see a picture of the life sized Marie Antoinette holding a cobra. My life will not be complete until received. I am pretty sure I would have seen it were she in your blog somewhere. Please respond asap so I can move on to more productive matters.
You just need to watch out for your new neighbours, when they start posting flyers telling everyone about the nutty family that has moved in, then you worry
You CAN’T put all those boxes away without making a fort first!
Oh, and I once moved 4 times in 1 year,…and I’m not eve military! It sucked and I now hate moving more than ANYONE on this planet. Hmph!
Jason
The Cheeky Daddy
Like Lisa, my main concern is Beyonce.
I have to move soon too. Yeah for new opportunities boo for packing. Hope you love the house.
I want Jenny to be my neighbor because we could think pleasant thoughts about each other while ignoring our physical co-existence except for maybe a couple of times a year when we were feeling very brave and could nod and smile briefly at one another in the yard before rushing off to hide in the house and recover. I am fortunate enough to live next to an engineer and have almost this exact, pleasantly undemanding, neighborly relationship.
I wish you had moved next door to me. My brother welds, and he could fix Beyonce for you.
I have been thinking about making a Bloggess themed lunch for a while, and Beyonce the one legged cock inspired tomorrow’s lunch! (Which will be eaten at work.. I am a Preschool Special Ed Teacher)…
Seriously, we have the same cat. And just breathe in…and out…I envy your magic corner and panic room, and I find them both à propos.
I’m concerned for the other cats– we are seeing an awful lot of HST and not too much of Ferris, and nothing of the black one (I even forget her name!) who used to have a genius for getting in every shot.
What the Internet needs, after all, is Moar Cat Pictures.
Daniel (#83)… everyone knows that the Panic Room is stocked with Xanax and wine slushies. 🙂
Also… Jenny Lawson, I love you! Although not in a stalker way. Or a lesbian way. Even though you are totally super cute. But I’m straight and happily married. And so are you. So I don’t know why I now suddenly feel the need to reassure you that you’re totally worthy of someone having a lesbian crush on you, even though I personally do not have one.
OK, let’s start over… Jenny Lawson, I’m sure if you knew me, we would totally be best friends…. no, wait, that sounds way too stalker-y.
OK. How about this? I totally love your blog, and your book, and your brilliant sense of humor from a socially appropriate distance of several thousand miles away because I am way too scared of scorpions and chupacabras to ever visit Texas. But from my home in violently rural central New York (where there are way too many goddamn tractors) I raise my Xanax bottle to you in tribute and I appreciate everything you do to make people’s lives better. Although my husband doesn’t appreciate that your book made me laugh so hard that I nearly peed the bed, and he also doesn’t want a giant metal chicken for our 15th anniversary. Also, I had to explain to him what a chupacabra was after I forced him to listen to me read aloud from LPTNH. So, I might have to divorce him before our 15th because, seriously, who doesn’t know what a chupacabra is? And, also, he doesn’t believe in the zombie apocalypse. But… he still married me knowing I am completely barking mad. And although he frequently calls me a piece of work, he says that I’m *his* piece of work and that I make his life more interesting, and that he wouldn’t trade me in a million years for anyone else. So I think I’ll keep him after all.
OMG! I LOVE YOU!! Not in a crazy lesbo way (not that that’s bad that’s just not me) You are freakin amazing! I have 5 kids that drive me nuts and need a place to hide so I enter your world. You should have paid tours of your taxidermied up home.
For those curious, a magic corner is a corner of the house that for some reason pulls out like a drawer.
I don’t know why!
Regarding disconcerted mailmen: We used to own a Siamese cat named Monster. One time my little sister went to the door, to try to get him to come in, and yelled out “Monster!” The mailman was there at the mailbox, looking back at her.
I feel ya – moving is 100% a cardboard box hell. We’ve been in the process for about two months and are about to just set the whole house on fire. So maybe Victor fixing Beyonce’s leg with a welder won’t be so bad after all. Ashes are light and compact and will fit easily into one small container.
Uh. Right then.
magic room? i had an old apartment that had a “malkovich” corner. 1 month after we were married my husband lost his wedding ring. then other jewelry and things went missing. they all turned up in the malkovich corner, much like people turn up the side of the jersey turnpike after being in john malkovich’s head. thank god we moved our we would NEVER have found anything. you GOTTA let us know what happens in the magic room!
We have a gun room in our house. It’s basically a walk in closet with a vault door, so my husband can display his guns on the wall rather than having them in a gun safe. It’s even hidden behind a bookcase- all very James Bond. This is what I get for marrying a Texan….
I think they were necromancers. They used the magic corner to do the spells to raise people from the dead, then if it ended badly, (which I’m not sure how it wouldn’t) they ran to the gun room to shoot the zombies, but if they couldn’t make it there in time, they fled to the panic room until the zombies got bored and left to terrorize and eat the neighbors.
hilarious!
I feel your pain @_@ We were trying to move and being laid of from work in the same week and it was an absolute nightmare. My boyfriend was reeeeally sick and couldn’t do anything other than drive me places. I got pretty sick overworking myself, but I was the only one who could do it and had to keep packing and cleaning and moving. Thank god for Tina Fey. 30 Rock was the only thing keeping me mentally strong.
eels song