It’s a pleasant change when he’s the inappropriate one.

“How much blood will each bag hold?”  ~ Victor to a baffled clerk while buying several boxes of black trash bags at a gas station.

And that’s the reason why I will never divorce this man.*

*Both because of his incredibly inappropriate sense of humor and because I suspect he was imagining my blood in the bags.

***************

And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by The Rheel Daze.  From the author: “What happens when instead of pursuing your dreams in your twenties, you settle for every bottle of Bacardi you can get your hands on? You end up trying again in your thirties,  with half the fervor you possessed a decade ago. That’s Kelly. Still chasing the dream…but at a comfortable pace.”

83 replies. read them below or add one

  1. He’s a keeper. Did he buy a chainsaw too?

    Like

    SmithShack71 recently posted because i said so.

  2. A marriage made in mutually inappropriate heaven! Luckily for both of us, my inappropriate husband and inappropriate me found each other as well. No one else would ever understand us!

    Like

    Raw Once More recently posted Make Your Own! Save money, the planet, and feel like a rockstar!.

  3. Haha, that’s a good way to get on a police wacth list. But that’s one of the funniest ways to get on their radar, so that’s cool.

    Like

    LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? recently posted The Snack-Based Mystery Theatre presents: “My husband smells like goldfish” and other chilling tales..

  4. Funny how our perfect relationships aren’t obvious to those around us.

    Like

    Mom in Two Cultures recently posted My So-called Existential Crisis.

  5. You are perfect for each other.🙂

    Like

  6. You are perfect for each other.

    Like

    Coti recently posted Best resources to find a teaching job in Thailand.

  7. Some people are just meant to be together.🙂

    Like

    Kara recently posted Love in Purple.

  8. My husband will never ask fun questions like that. I still love him because he doesn’t think I’m crazy when I talk about my characters like they exist. You know because they do exist to me.😀

    Like

  9. I hope you got the stretch ones… also the ones that hide the stink! Those are great ones for blood😉

    Like

    Keaven recently posted Tunisian Crochet Afghans.

  10. Tell Victor he’s awesome.❤

    Like

    Squishy Amber recently posted Security Blankets.

  11. HAHAHA Bands that don’t exist is brilliant. I should start playing that game with hipsters I run into.

    Like

    Dawnie recently posted 30 Day Drawing Challenge - Favorite Plant.

  12. I love reading the conversations y’all have!

    Like

    Punky Coletta recently posted A kind of crying that felt sort of awesome..

  13. The two of you definitely belong together! He may pretend that he doesn’t get you sometimes but, deep down, he really does.

    Like

    Kat recently posted What to say.........

  14. I used to listen to Get The F**k Outta My Pool before they sold out.

    Like

    Shawnte recently posted Three Poems with Audio Clips in the new issue of Canyon Voices.

  15. I love saying inappropriate things to people I barely know, I once asked a bank clerk about cheque fraud when cashing a cheque, big mistake.

    Like

    Vivian recently posted A Happy Tummy is a Digesting Tummy.

  16. My hubs and I once had a discussion on how much douche would a douche bag hold if a douche bag was holding it. Yeah, that is how we spend our evenings.

    Like

    Woman_on_Pause recently posted My Date with Anthony Bourdain.

  17. I knew Victor had to be somewhat twisted, glad to find out it’s in such a fun way.

    OMG the sloths………hahahahaha………!!!

    Like

  18. It’s one of those moments when your heart just swells with mutual weirdness. Like this morning, when I was making breakfast, and I was a pterodactyl for a minute, and my boyfriend was a T-rex. (It makes even less sense when I type it out. Hmm.)

    Like

    Fia recently posted Three Mushroom Lasagna.

  19. Just make sure there are no holes in the bags. There’s nothing more embarrassing than leaving a trail of blood behind you.

    Like

    Andreas Heinakroon recently posted Success by denaturation.

  20. He’ll probably need heavy duty bags. You don’t want blood all over the place.

    Like

    GK Adams recently posted Weekly Wrap-Up.

  21. Probably baffled because they say how many gallons they hold on the box

    Like

    Mrs. Mustache recently posted How to Tell If Your Cat Has Committed a Hate Crime.

  22. Aww, I wish to find true weird happiness like that someday. I just love you guys! hehe

    Like

    Devon S recently posted It's the little things.

  23. our husbands are cut from the same cloth – good people. We watch a lot of investigative discovery channel and he worries that if I ever die, the police are going to have a FIELD day trying to figure out which show he used. . . (and I will likely have just been clumsy and dropped the knife and tried to catch it and I stabbed myself . . . because I’m that much of a disaster) – he’s a bit more worried that I might be plotting by watching these shows. .. . and he will now be mortified that I’ve put this on the intertubes where it will live for eternity.

    Like

    kaypea recently posted kismet poetry.

  24. Hmm, just blood? Or is there gooey meaty flesh with it? Because if you have gooey meaty flesh, then I’d go with contractor bags, or better yet, supplement with one of those bins for the Christmas Tree to avoid leakage. I’m assuming you are talking about a moose and not a human body, so you might be need 15 of those bins.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Mommy's Cup of Sanity.

  25. I wish you had taken a pic of the clerk’s face! Priceless!🙂

    Like

    Crystal recently posted Flea Market Finds and a Weekend Project.

  26. I think that’s the best thing Victor has ever said! I love it!

    Like

    Rhonda recently posted Letter to the Asshole.

  27. Not sure if you two are perfect for each other because you’ve been together for so long, or if you’ve been together for so long because you’re perfect for each other. I guess it’s another one of those life mysteries people talk about.

    Like

    Carol recently posted Walk on the Wild Side.

  28. Maybe he was imagining your blood in the bags as a contingency plan. Just in case you needed a little extra after the sloths attack. That’s how blood works, right?

    Like

    KMB recently posted Texas: Land of Metal Monsters.

  29. I’m wondering if the clerk laughed or called the police. Of course as I write this, I’m realizing that having that question means I assumed it was human blood. Here’s hoping everyone else did too.

    Like

  30. Have you ever considered writing a book where you give relationship advice? It would probably be my bible.

    Like

    Miss Gee recently posted Being One..

  31. You’ll be lucky if you don’t get a friendly visit from the police. But totally worth it.

    Like

    Sue recently posted Blooming Palo Verde tree.

  32. It’s a perfectly practical question to ask.

    Like

    Kaitlyn recently posted Doodling!.

  33. Thanks for the laughs. Much needed this week.

    Like

    prin recently posted I miss my Jemma..

  34. It’s okay, I’m sure the clerk was to stunned to take note of Victor’s license plate.

    Like

    Vanessa recently posted Can I Have a Do-Over?.

  35. It’s also great to see the reactions when you ask clerks where the people cutters are. That happened when I spent so long looking for a gingerbread man cookie cutter, that my brain instantly forgot how to ask for them in a non-insane way when I finally found a worker.

    Like

    Patti B recently posted Is this what happens when your shopping cosplays?.

  36. I just love Victor. All us bi-chunk chunk girls who have husbands that not only love us but embrace our crude sense of humor need to stick together…..

    Like

  37. One contractor grade bag usually holds about a dozen adult size heads. Can’t say more, don’t ask, don’t tell.

    Like

    Jack recently posted 5 Reasons Why I Hate Your “Epic” Content.

  38. You both are very lucky that you found each other. Not many of us manage to find and keep a complimentary partner!

    Like

    Mothers little hleper recently posted The vintage and black series.

  39. He might want to double-bag, just as a precaution.

    I sortve figured y’all were on the way to your dad’s place when this conversation took place and that dad was doing Spring Cleaning at the ol’ taxidermy shop.

    Like

    MsDarkstar recently posted Sneaking in a little “me” time!.

  40. Baffled because blood goes in the sealable buckets. Duh. One pointy bone and then where would you be?

    Like

  41. That really is inappropriate. How would you even carry a trash bag full of blood? It would be awfully unwieldy.

    Like

    Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted My Cats Are So Helpful.

  42. One of my favorite times with my own husband was when we decided to buy a hatchet while we were at the hardware store. After asking a nervous acting employee to show us the hatchets, we asked where the shovels were.

    Like

  43. My honey keeps reminding me I can’t kill him in the bathroom, it’s impossible to keep that tub clean and blood would be the worst. He is so good at keeping himself alive

    Like

    Kitty recently posted The Self-patterning Yarn Conundrum.

  44. You know it says that on the box right? Unless he was just buying like a fist full of loose bags for some reason. Which would be even more hilarious.

    Like

    Holly Folly recently posted Edging the Garden..

  45. My mother and I are famous for doing this sort of thing while buying cars. “So, is this a 3 body trunk? I can’t go fewer than three. Four would be ideal, or even something similar to nuclear-family sized.”

    Like

  46. Your next book should be a relationship book filled with conversations and observations from you and Victor. I would buy it in a heartbeat.

    Like

  47. How would you ever know if a sloth was stuffed?

    Or just being a very, s-l-o-w sloth?

    So you’d always be watching it, out of the corner of your eye.

    Just to make sure it was stuffed.

    Not playing possum. Er, sloth.

    To kill you, when you had been lulled into a sense false security.

    All of which would be a big help with the insomnia.

    Like

    HogsAteMySister recently posted R.I.P. George Jones: Marvin & the Minnows Salute You.

  48. I told you before; you two are a match made in Hell.
    Good for you, Jenny! You and Victor rock!

    Like

    The Hook recently posted Le Clown Needs Your Help, The Hook Would Like Your Attention, And The Ironic Mom Wants Your Cash!.

  49. i have an undue fondness for that exact moment of radiating embarrassment/confusion/vague alarm that accompanies someone saying something such as that. Mine was when my neighbor and I were discussing a local vet’s penchant for unnecessary surgery. I said, “Hmm, guess I won’t get Daisy that boob job then.” And thus ensued the radiation of embarrassment, etc…

    xoxox
    jill

    Like

    in bed with married women recently posted Sexual Edumacation.

  50. This is awesome! If the clerk just started debating with him over the best options for blood disposal…that would have been awesome as well.

    Like

    Julie You Jest recently posted X is for X Chromosome – Having two will keep you from turning into a fish monster..

  51. Too bad he didn’t grab a siphoning hose and a funnel while he was there.

    Like

    Sara recently posted Someday....

  52. That reminds me of the other day when the clerk asked my husband if he had any questions. He turned to her very seriously and asked her “what is the meaning of life?” It took a second for her to realize he was joking. It is priceless to see someone so caught off guard. Keep having fun and sharing it with us!

    Like

  53. These comments are begging for a big “LIKE” button!!

    Like

    Mary recently posted Santa Carolina Carmenere.

  54. I love that! My husband would probably run away if I said anything like that. Though he has been known to loudly proclaim that he has no idea who I am. In public. While I’m talking to him.

    Like

    Jaime recently posted Homemade Friday: Mozzarella straight from the cow. Almost..

  55. 55
    Linda Doggett

    Jenny, I know this has nothing whatsoever to do with today’s blog, but I have to tell you – I laughed for two days over turkeys carrying around important turkey documents.

    Like

  56. Make sure the bags are the stretchy kind. You know, so the bones won’t poke holes and make a mess.

    Like

    Melissa recently posted An unbearable feeling.

  57. Have I mentioned that I love the customize feature on your shirts. I’m wearing one to a horror con on the 25th of May. Needless to say, I had to darken it up some.

    Like

    Jenx Byron recently posted An Open Letter to the Church from My Generation.

  58. I can just see the attendant’s face!

    Like

    AMummysLife recently posted Review Monday - Adblock Plus.

  59. I’m pretty sure I just woke my husband up laughing at that sloth video. FANTASTIC!

    Like

    Brenna recently posted The party scene.

  60. It’s great to have that one person whose sense of humor is as twisted as you own

    Like

    Alison recently posted TEDx.

  61. Bahahaha. When I was driving home the other day, I saw a trash bag in the middle of the road. For a moment I wondered if I should turn around and make sure no one is in it…

    Like

    Robyn Webb recently posted I Keep a Baseball Bat Under my Bed and I am Not Afraid to Use It..

  62. How can two people be so fucking awesome??? Seriously….made my day🙂

    Like

    The Redneck Princess recently posted Bee Happy….

  63. It must be a theme this week @LorcaDamon ‘s 12 year old daughter was enquiring from her mother on the best way to dispose of a body to ensure no evidence was ever found – I am beginning to wonder about you guys over the pond …..

    Like

    Tom Stronach recently posted Mr FAT'S day with the nice doctor......

  64. So, how much blood can they hold?

    Like

    Kattie recently posted What is wrong with me?.

  65. I love that he has seduced you with both a healthy dose of both respect and fear — well done, Victor, well done. He’s the Lady Olenna Tyrell of your house, because, really, everything is about the Game of Thrones.

    Like

    PinotNinja recently posted And You Alarm Me, Too.

  66. Been funnier if he had also bought a couple of rolls of duct-tape and some rope……

    Like

  67. You know you have a good marriage when you have the same sense of humor. Ah, you are a lucky woman!

    Like

    Malia recently posted I've Finally Found a Man Who Does Dishes.

  68. Victor is either the perfect man for you, or he has become infected with your particular strain of craziness. What would be even funnier is if the clerk had an answer for that question, three gallons per bag, more than that and you risk tearing and that’s just a mess. Do you need paper towels with that?

    Like

    Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted Choc the Pup, Choc the Slut.

  69. I have to second the suggestion that you should write a relationship advice book. I would keep it next to my bed for easy reference.

    Like

  70. Lol, that “so very true” link is SO VERY TRUE.

    Like

    Charlotte @ Commitness to Fitness recently posted Mixtape Monday!.

  71. I nominate MsDarkstar (#39) for the win! I too wondered if he was buying trash bags for your father’s taxidermy. That may be because I just finished your book — a friend in Louisville got me a signed copy because your people didn’t send you through Connecticut. And I’m a sucker for autographed books.
    I need to tell you, your wedding photo is absolutely beautiful. You’re a lovely lady inside and out today — and that photo is classically beautiful to boot. 😉

    Like

  72. I love your blog. I loved your book. I love you and Victor. I love the comments section. And now I’ll never again look at a trash bag without grinning. Thanks for the laughs.

    Like

  73. You know it’s a good wrap-up when every link is blocked from my work computer.

    Like

  74. What would be really sad is if the gas station clerk didn’t blink twice and had a quick answer. That’s when you know you’re on the wrong side of town.

    Like

    whatimeant2say recently posted Thank Goodness Mother’s Day is Right Around the Corner.

  75. That dance video is so much fun, and damn can those guys dance!

    Like

    Colleen recently posted Monday Music Break: Man to Man.

  76. And I thought it was going to be something crazy like involving a menstrual cycle. Phew!

    Like

    HerMelness Speaks recently posted Don’t laugh, but I miss the horses!.

  77. Lovin’ me some Sloth! I used to have one when I was a kid. Okay it wasn’t so much a Sloth as it was my older sister but it was almost identical to having one of my own…she was hairy and slow with sharp nails😉

    Like

    Jenn recently posted 1983…2013 We Are Still AWESOME 30 Years Later.

  78. I bet the clerk was looking at you wondering if you were going to be the donor of all that blood…LOL.

    Like

    Mishka recently posted So Glad To Have Found Maru.

  79. Comment #45…Oh thank God. I thought we were the only ones to think that. Last month right after I bought my daughter her “new” car last month, she was showing her grandpa and they discussed that. They settled that it would fit 3 teens or 2 grown men. Good to know.

    Like

  80. It’s amazing how we find the special person who can tolerate us even as they stand horrified at what we do.

    One night as I put tofu on the nachos, I jokingly asked my horrified husband “Aren’t you glad you married me?” He said, “Yes, but not for that.

    Like

    Kat / @beingmama recently posted From Doing to Being.

  81. If you ever find a carbon copy of Victor, perhaps a twin brother hiding in the attic, or a long lost cousin twice removed, can you please send him my way? At the moment I’m on a dating site where a man has just messaged me saying if he was a shark he would like to bite me. Please, send a Victor.

    Like

    Vicky recently posted All that Glitters.....

  82. 82
    Wench (don't ask)

    Thought you might like this…

    http://theoatmeal.com/comics/mantis_shrimp

    Sort of like mini undersea unicorns?

    Like

  83. I understand your attraction for Victor. You two are a great pair!

    Like

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted Vimbly for Creative Date and Activity Planning.

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