Define “A Lot”.

Today I’m inPhoenix, AZ doing the very last stop of the book tour.  Come see me?  Please?

And while I’m gone this week I’m sharing “weird-things-I-took-pictures-of-with-my-phone.”  Except that this one is actually a screenshot from my computer, but I’m pretty sure that counts.

Today’s picture came from Yahoo News, which recommended this as the top story I’d most be interested in:

Aw. Yahoo knows me.

109 replies. read them below or add one

  1. While Yahoo may know you, if you are trying to define ‘a lot’ then clearly you have not had enough to drink!

    Laura Ehlers recently posted I Am, I Said...outloud...on the train.....

  2. “A lot” probably means “More than enough”.

    Andreas Heinakroon recently posted Democracy 2.0.

  3. I don’t think I drink “a lot”. I’m going to have to help my brain by drinking more, Yahoo says so.

    Amanda recently posted Splitting the Hairs of Victory....

  4. Well if yahoo says so, then it must be true! Break out the sangria!

    Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous recently posted D is for Dolly Magazine: or, arguing with yourself is kind of demoralising....

  5. If it’s on the Internet, it’s true. Sounds like a plan to me.

    danielle recently posted Count your Blessings.

  6. Not to worry, Jenny… I’m sure the brain cells you’ve sacrificed in the pursuit of perfection did not die in vain.
    As far as I’m concerned, you’re an evolved human being.
    Then again, I spend my days surrounded by many of nature’s genetic blunders, so my judgement may be slightly impaired…..

    The Hook recently posted Congrats to all the 2013 Bloggie Finalists and Winners!.

  7. i always “feel” really smart when i drink.

    monica recently posted Top 10 Ways I Am Nicer Than A Substitute.

  8. It’s always good to have a friend who supports your “questionable” choices. If Yahoo is that friend even better because they don’t get lippy when it backfires. Score.

    Sara recently posted Happy, Happy Birthday Baby.

  9. It’s not until the next day that I don’t feel smart.

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted One Short of the Brady Bunch.

  10. Score! That is the kind of scientific study I will throw my support behind! ;)

    thedoseofreality recently posted Smells Like Teen Spirit.

  11. Here is a lot…specifically lot #1:






    I think 72 bottles of wine qualifies as a lot, no matter how you look at it….

  12. But if you will extend the book tour to austin, I’ll bring you a couple bottles of whatever….

  13. I think I need a difinition for “a lot” too.

    My Half Assed Life recently posted By the hair of my chinny chin chin, getting old sucks monkey balls..

  14. A lot is relative, one of those things that requires definition per situation. Like, eating a lot of cherries is different from drinking a lot of tequila. Or, a lot of homework is different in elementary school compared to college. Or, like how a lot of anal sex is different from bringing a bag lunch to work a lot.

    Arnebya recently posted Doing Versus Thinking About Doing.

  15. Yahoo, you did it again grl!

    Love your blog!

    Maddy Grace recently posted How to lose weight!!!!!!!.

  16. 16
    E M Foster

    Sweet!! My wine fridge is going to see movement of more bottles based on the headline alone! I’m not going to even read the article because the title is enough for me! Yay wine! :-D

  17. Dangit, now I have to go read that. ((goes away….comes back)) So, the big warning from the guy doing the study at the end of the article is ‘don’t go chugging quarts of vinegar y’all!’ (I may have added that y’all, but he totally said ‘chugging’) Hmm.

    Kate recently posted Charles Fréger Wilder Mann.

  18. That sounds like a dare

  19. that must be why I’ve gotten smarter as I’ve gotten older. Although maybe I should kick it up a notch. ;)

    Alison recently posted Crafting Through the Ages OR Why am I obsessed with decorative yarn balls?.

  20. I think the person working at Yahoo who wrote that is currently drinking. A lot. Drinkery loves company!

    Charlotte recently posted 8 Things to think about during your workout instead of how much pain you’re in.

  21. I’d say a drunk ass person wrote that.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted It takes time to get your shit together..

  22. Sounds like a good excuse for a morning vodka pick-me-up.

    Amanda- The Southern Unbelle recently posted D is for Death by Chocolate.

  23. I’m not going to make it this time around, not because of anything important or anything, just SOOO many people. Love you though, I hope you have a great night.

  24. Like I’ve been saying all along…

    Hip-Baby Mama recently posted Yum Yum: Slow Cooker Split Pea Soup With Ham.

  25. “a lot”
    Is 2 bottles of wine “a lot”? Sheesh, you’d think I’d know that. Maybe I’ve boosted my brain beyond comprehension.

  26. Sorry you won’t be greeted by any haboobs, this time.

    Shawnte recently posted "We've always believed that humorless literature isn't literature at all".

  27. What?
    _spending rest of the day wondering: do I have a “human” brain, then?_

    Natalie, the Chickenblogger recently posted I Love Chickenblog.

  28. I am going to get sooooooo much smarter this weekend.

    Baddest Mother Ever recently posted The Door Mat.

  29. I feel so much better about myself. It’s like Suduko, only more fun.

    Denise Malloy recently posted Maternal Instinct.

  30. While you are in Phoenix, you have to try the pomegranate guacamole at the Bario Café! The food is fantastic and the margaritas are even better!!!

  31. If Yahoo tells you to drink alot — you simply must.

    Sometimes Google tells me to eat lots of ice cream.

    Bing once told me to shoplift a lipstick. But I resisted. I’m not succumbing to peer pressure from some random search engine!

    Darcy Perdu recently posted The New Nanny’s Surprising No-No.

  32. More support for the beer vending machine at work!!

    Rabia @ TheLiebers recently posted Welcome...Glad to Have You.

  33. Maybe instead of defining “a lot” we need them to define “boosts”.

    Leslie recently posted Pope Walter.

  34. Bring back the beer vending machine!

    Two jobs ago, my employer (a small company) actually had one. Better yet, it was free.

    It wasn’t advertised, however, and caused no problems until we had some Japanese in for training. And one of them discovered that ‘Diet Mountain Dew’ wasn’t. After that, we emptied that slot in the machine whenever we had training.

    Then we got bought by a big company, and alcohol on company premises was forbidden. Stupidity wasn’t, however, so I guess it’s just more evidence for the headline.

  35. Screw moderation. Let’s boost our brains.

    thedavidcmurphy recently posted Clowning Around.

  36. Can you provide a link I can save for when my family gets “concerned”?

    Otherkin recently posted My Fantasy Divorce Party.

  37. Yay, Phoenix!

    Jennifer recently posted Dyeing, not Dying.....

  38. Phoenix is so close to where I live!! wow yahoo, I guess I should start drinking then.

    Tanya recently posted HR Practices – Do You Have Zombies in Your Office?.

  39. 39
    Jesse Markham

    *A lot* is sufficiently obtuse a phrase to keep everyone happy.

  40. This is a great excuse for happy hour at work. Sending this link to my boss.

    Ashley recently posted Nobody likes you when you’re 25..

  41. Whew!…thanks for this! I’d JUST filled up the refrigerator with Miller High Life!…now with Yahoo’s blessings. Yaay.

    C Vanderwicken recently posted Define "A Lot"..

  42. Yet another way my poorness debilitates my brain function…alcohol is damned expensive. Someone wanna bring me some vodka so that maybe I can be less dumb? Thanks!

    Rooski recently posted Never. A-fucking-gain.

  43. Well, that’s a comfort.

    Kathleen recently posted Timeout.

  44. Why, oh why does your Phoenix visit have to be the ONE DAY I can’t come see you? Sad day. Hope your last stop is an amazing one though!!! :)

    Kelly recently posted Dawson's Creek Made Me Do It.

  45. I would define “a lot” as “more than a little” but “less than too much”

    Kari recently posted Rule 32 of Zombieland: Enjoy the Little Things.

  46. I’m attempting to use whiskey to burn out a nasty cold, so I think I’m doing life right. Boost away brain!

    Dawnie recently posted Goodbye green couch. I'm sorry I never had sex on you. Regretsies..

  47. I’m kind of surprised nobody has made the obvious Allie Brosh reference yet. I know you know it, but it never gets old:

    Jake recently posted Holy shit, you guys. This is real..

  48. I’ve been arguing that point for a long time…i knew whiskey made me smarter.

  49. That explains my Scotch and learning group we have on Shabbat.

    Corey Feldman recently posted How old am I?.

  50. Hi, the next time you come to Phoenix, please be at Changing Hands? The last time you came to Phoenix before I read your book so I missed it. This time the BN is too far away. :( I am bummed I won’t be able to attend.

  51. The Internet is psychic now? Shit. We’re screwed.

    Maura @ Eve Was Partially Right recently posted Salute the Rank - Not the Man.

  52. Now we should just ask our friends if they would like to boost their brains with you!

    Mexmom recently posted Confidence is what every woman needs.

  53. Boosts your brain how? How much is a lot? SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS!

    Karen Peterson recently posted Life Lessons I've Managed to Learn Despite Being a Good Mormon Girl.

  54. That ad is clearly reaching out to a college audience…

    Robyn Webb recently posted I Call Myself a Writer, But I Don't Feel As If I've Earned That Title Just Yet.

  55. So excited you’re coming to Phoenix. I can PROMISE you a chupacabra sighting.

  56. I was recommended that article, too–and I’m a Wisconsin Teetotaler (I.e., I don’t drink before 11. Unless there’s family involved. Then drinks before 11 have to include juice.)

    Dana the Biped recently posted A First-Person Narrative.

  57. I must be a super-genius!

    Lori recently posted Sucker for a spokesman..

  58. Ah, man . . . then how come I always feel so much dumber after just 1 glass of wine??? Is it that I’m not drinking enough?

    Mary, QoE recently posted A fool and his folly.

  59. My wife and I will be there tonight. She doesn’t think we should talk because she believes, I’m your male counterpart.. I have no idea what that means.

  60. It would appear my brain will NOT be boosted. Bummer.

    The Cheeky Daddy

    Jason recently posted Time To Baby Proof The House.

  61. Like jumper cables……for the brain! Yes!

  62. Always good to know what I’m doing wrong! Huh!

    Em recently posted Poem: You Gotta Know When to Fold Them.

  63. I would like to know what it means by “boosts”. Does it hold my brain up, like a push-up bra, or is Yahoo using the slang for shoplifting? Because I could totally see Al Cohol pulling a Winona Ryder and skipping out of the store with my brain under his shirt.

    whatimeant2say recently posted From the Woman Who Brought You Terrorists Who Poison Your Food.

  64. Alcohol gives you an open mind.

    So when you lean over?

    Your brain falls out.

    Always the sign of a professional writer.

    HogsAteMySister recently posted Stowaways ‘R’ Us.

  65. Haha! Just what I needed to hear today. I think I need a little brain power tonight!

    Christina recently posted Discover Redwood Swing Sets For Your Backyard.

  66. Nice. too bad I don’t drink. That’s probably my problem.

    Keaven recently posted Tunisian Crochet Afghans.

  67. Enjoyed you book and interview on Here and Now, how I learned about your book. Thanks, lots of belly laughs. Used to live in Wimberly, Texas, when I was a fifth grader. Your book was a reminder of how awesomely fucked up that was..

    andy jacobs recently posted Some new tattoos.

  68. When I worked on my MFA in Boston, I never met such a brilliant group of writers, NOR have I ever met such a drunk group of people. Coincidence?

    Erica recently posted The great surprise.

  69. 70
    Elizabeth M.

    Hyperbole and a Half has an AWESOME blog post about the Alot. I miss her. :(

    Also, I had to edit that a few times. Because I may or may not have been drinking. A lot. :p

  70. What I get out of this recommendation is that Yahoo News believes you are a genius…or an idiot…I’m not sure. Either way, it’s passing judgment on your drinking and your brain.

    But hey, at least it knows you’re human…so…you know…silver lining.

    Lisa Newlin recently posted And then I bumped into Howard Stern….

  71. Noooooooooooo!!!!! I am so so sad. I was in Phoenix today for a conference and I so would have come to your signing had I checked my feedler this morning. Booooo!!

  72. I really wanted to come out and see you while you were in Phoenix. Damn priorities.

  73. All the great writers of the past were drunks.

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Ciceros in Toronto July 2013.

  74. Does this mean I should start drinking “more” to achieve “a lot?”

    Quirky Chrissy recently posted Wordless Wednesday: Fortune Cookies Lie.

  75. Drove a long trafficy hour to get there. Walked in as applause erupted and q&a started. Bookstore guy was an a$$hat.


  76. The scariest part of your day was the best part of mine! It was such a pleasure to meet you tonight in Phoenix. Thank you for putting yourself and your stories “out there.”
    the girl with the floppy hat :)

  77. Why didn’t you come to Tucson where the sane people in Arizona live? Meaning Texans who moved here and regret it…

  78. Awwww no pictures from the San Jose stop? ;)

  79. Sounds legit to me. Explains why I am so boosted.

    Jaime recently posted UBP13 – No Need to Wax for this One, Hairy Mommies – It’s a BLOG Party.

  80. And this is why Google wins.

    Kaitlyn recently posted Another pair of spiffy shoes.

  81. Hahaha – that’s amazing! Please tell me you read the story, right?

    Emelie recently posted I’m Boycotting GoodReads. It’d Be Awesome If You Joined Me..

  82. I don’t know why it didn’t work for me. Maybe it takes a specific kind of alcohol? I’ve tried beer, wine and vodka. So far none of them did much for my brain. Please let me know if I should now try scotch.

    Holly from 300 Pounds Down recently posted Freebie Friday and Links I like.

  83. Reminds me of Cliff’s Buffalo Theory…
    Well you see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

  84. I saw you in Phoenix last night. Due to my tiny little broken leg I was allowed to sit in the “reserved/comfy wood” seats and pet my girlfriend all during your reading. We both laughed until we peed a little. I’m sure the chair will wipe up easily but aforementioned friend was sitting on the carpet which may not fare as well.
    You were more adorable than I could have imagined. Thank you for a truly delightful evening….which really was full of delight.

  85. I’m so bummed that I wasn’t able to see you in Phoenix. On your next book tour through Tucson.
    I am spreading the your gospel and they are loving your work :)
    Safe trip home.

  86. Totally late to the party here, but I finally got my lazy butt to the bookstore yesterday and bought a copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. And I’m almost done with it, because it’s awesome and I can’t put it down. When I read your idea about just dipping waffles right in the butter, I thought, that is genius. And now I’m going to make eggos. But before I make eggos, it occurred to me that you might not know about butter crayons.

    Butter crayons is just my fancy phrase for when I want to put butter on my toast (or English Muffin or cornbread or pancakes) but the stick of butter is too solid from being in the fridge and so instead of trying to scrape the butter across the toast or pancakes or whatever with a knife (which is far too much trouble in my opinion) I just “draw” on the food with the stick of butter and it melts right on there and it doesn’t pierce the toast or mush the pancakes! The only down side of this is that the stick of butter gets toast crumbs stuck on the end of it, but you can tell Victor that it just adds extra flavor.

    You’re welcome.

  87. Yahoo! 3.0. It’s a sad, sad thing. ;-)

    Hope the tour was awesome!

    Crystal recently posted How to Create a Group Board on Pinterest: The Basics.

  88. That’s great, but where am I supposed to get a human brain?

    Marinka recently posted Lenny.

  89. One my biggest regrets is not getting a picture of a sign over the lab sink in my old doctor’s office that read “Please wash your speculum after every use.”

  90. Yay! I’m going to go home and finish off that bottle of Jack!

    Jenn recently posted Sometimes It’s Just Like That.

  91. So my roommate sent me this link because she thought it was extremely applicable to my life. But I thought it would be equally appreciate here, because wine is essentially happiness.×14-quote-prints?campaign_label=etsy_finds&utm_source=newsletter&utm_campaign=etsy_finds_040513_5447945097_0&utm_medium=email&email_sent=1365188701&euid=TVRnWNk49bq50wRArBYc9yb3DsYy

  92. You got to hang out with my cousin Pierre today. :)

    Betsy Dornbusch recently posted night shade/skyhorse.

  93. I feel pretty smart and sophisticated with a glass of wine in my hand. Until it’s the fourth or fifth glass of wine in my hand… It’s all downhill from there!

    Marie Bucciano recently posted Self-Discovery.

  94. 96
    Tammi Whittaker

    Dear Jenny,

    Picked up your book today to read while my husband was having a heart catherization, the day after I returned from my sister’s funeral in Texas. Thank you, you saved me from the brink of maudlin by making me laugh out loud in the Sky Light Lounge of Lancaster General Hospital. But I must say I got some very dirty looks from some Mennonite ladies. The Amish must not have been able to score a ride today.

  95. Pretty sure “boosts” here means “steals.” As in, “he boosted my wheels and now I’m walking over to his house to kill him.” Or something like that.

    Tom recently posted 10 Tips to Make Your Travel Photos Better.

  96. I need a like button for other peoples comments – I especially like the speculum one!

    Tara recently posted Words of wisdom from Bicycling.

  97. When does the book tour start in Australia?

  98. I was thinking the same thing about a like button… :)

    Jess recently posted Practicing No.

  99. I dunno if I feel shmarter… I defally feel DIZZIER…I gonna hafta get back to ya on thaone ash shoon ash I finish thish bottle of wine…


    Ashlee recently posted Chicken and Wild Rice Soup.

  100. Felt shitty all day. Feel less shitty now. Thanks everyone.

  101. 104
    Beth Freeland

    There is a God…….yes, more wine please.

  102. SOB you were in Phoenix and I missed it…love your books. (Note to self, read blogs more often.)
    In other news I was getting so brilliant I had to stop drinking…humanity wouldn’t be able to handle me ;).

  103. SONOFANUTCRACKER! I missed you in Phoenix. I wasn’t even busy that day! *ugh* I don’t think you should feel bad about putting a unicorn horn on your cat. I used to dress up my dog like Madonna. Except I called him “Madogga”. And it was a boy dog. A boy cross-dressing dog, if you will.

    Shari Homan recently posted Holy. Balls..

  104. 107
    Ms. Kitty

    Seriously you have been to Phoenix TWICE and I have missed you both times? How in the name of all that is holy did that happen? Ugh! That sucks!! Please come back., please?!! Anyway, I think Hunter S. Thomcat was just showing off!

  105. I totally subscribe to the Ernest Hemmingway theory of write while you’re drunk, edit when you’re sober. Except, if I do happen to write about a glass (bottle) of wine, I then think that whatever I wrote is supremely awesome and post it on the blog. Then the morning comes and it’s drunken ramblings.

    Vicky recently posted A Little Dignity.

  106. I would totally come visit except I’m stuck in TN. And it’s the wrong day.

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