Hmm.

My new favorite thing: Playing dumb when it comes to all the fucked-up shit in my house.

Marie Antoinette and Rikki-Tikki-Tavi.

Plumber:  Wow.  That’s…huh.

me:  I know, right?  We have a stupid amount of comic book boxes.  Stop judging us.

Plumber:  That’s not what I was-

me:  No.  It’s fine.  I do realize we have a problem.

Vaguely related:  Beyonce has made the move and is now on the back porch.   He is also missing a leg.

If you have time to lean you're probably missing a leg.

The good news though is that twitter is a magical money machine and when I asked everyone I know to paypal me $2 a couple hundred people actually did it because they are amazing and care too much.  So then I called a custom welding place and was like “Hi.  I need to get an estimate because my giant cock is broken and I need you to weld it back together.”   And then I called another one and I was like “Hi.  DON’T HANG UP.  This is not a joke.  A piece of my cock recently broke off and that’s not weird because it’s made of metal and I need someone to help me reattach-Hello?  Hello?”  And then Victor said that he would just rent a welding thingie and weld it back together himself so I’m pretty sure that means that our entire house is going up in flames.  In brighter news, I’m donating the several hundred you sent me to the ASPCA (because they once helped me when my dog ate too many egg rolls) and the local no-kill shelter.  I’m also asking the ASPCA to earmark it for “cock rescue” if possible.  I can only imagine this will be another phone call that ends with just me on the phone.

256 replies. read them below or add one

  1. poor Bey. Victor is so sweet for fixing your broken cock

    Like

  2. I mis-read it as “custom wedding place” and it became an entirely different story.

    Like

  3. Hahahaha this post made my day. “A piece of my cock recently broke off and that’s not weird because it’s made of metal” Lol I don’t even have a witty response because that says it all.

    Like

    Charlotte @ Commitness to Fitness recently posted 8 Quotes to Remind You How Strong You Are.

  4. Loving Bey’s one-legged look. It’s as if she’s rocking her inner-flamingo.

    Like

    Katrina recently posted Comment on Yeah…I don’t know what I was thinking, either. by Rachael.

  5. Beyonce is just as “Fierce” even with one leg! ;) Rock on chicken, rock on!

    Like

    thedoseofreality recently posted It’s Not Easy Being Cheesy.

  6. “I have a valuable heirloom metal sculpture that I think you have the expertise and artistry to repair” just doesn’t have the impact that “I’d like you to weld my cock” does.

    Like

    Jami recently posted Going for a record.

  7. Beyonce’s just doing her best flamingo impersonation.

    Like

    Laura recently posted Get Your Thorny T-Shirts Here.

  8. What kind of a welder doesn’t fix a broken metal cock? I mean seriously, is that not their job?! Iron man is going to be pissed when he finds out that welders are getting selective with this shit.

    Like

    Ashley recently posted Say What You Need to Say..

  9. In high school, my nickname was cock roach. Long story. Anyway, I used to introduce myself like this. “Hi, my name is Cock Roach. You can call me Cock, for large.” I made a lot of friends.

    Like

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  10. Beyonce is just embracing his inner heron. He is trans-species.

    Like

    Squishy Amber recently posted What it means to be friends.

  11. I can only hope and dream of the day when you call the business I work at…

    Like

  12. Isn’t it nice to know that people care so much about your inanimate objects? Who knew a giant metal chicken to wheedle two bucks out of anybody, let alone a whole bunch of people? Crazy.

    Like

    LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? recently posted 8 simple rules for failing at yoga.

  13. I would love to live your life, for just one day, it sounds like good fun. Without the hiding in bathrooms though, so we’d have to schedule around that.

    Like

  14. I’d love to see the look on that person’s face when they try to justify the “cock rescue” designation to their boss . . .

    Like

    Wendy recently posted Steampunk Copper Gears Necklace and Earring Set with red and copper beads by NerdyNecklaces.

  15. The animal rescue league in Pittsburgh regularly gets cocks. They also do drag queen bingo. I can imagine no better place to get your love.

    Like

  16. This post is seriously incredibly amazing and why you are my absolute favorite blogger (well, other than myself I guess I would say but that’s a gray area).

    The last line of this is the best line I have read all day. Made me laugh so hard. Thank you for that as always.

    Like

    Lisa @ Drugstore Divas recently posted CVS: Easter Items Are 90% Off.

  17. You probably should have just said “rooster”. Or “sculpture”. You know… anything other than giant metal cock.

    Like

    Jessica @ Just a Mum? recently posted Hang In There, Kid..

  18. I love seeing the random stuff you have around your house. I’m glad you’re going to fix your giant metal cock. My husband would never trust me with a welding thingie.

    Like

    Lovelyn recently posted Mow the Lawn.

  19. 20
    Jesse Markham

    No love (or patience) at the welder’s. :-(

    Like

  20. My DAD IS A RETIRED WELDER!! He would totally fix your cock if I asked him.

    Like

    Cindy recently posted Powerless.

  21. Just make sure Victor wears a welding hood, no good having a broken cock and a blind husband.

    Like

  22. I believe when I sent my $2, I specifically requested an audio recording of the conversation at the welder.
    As penance think you should walk into someone’s office with a hidden camera and ask them to fix your broken cock.

    Like

    Kari recently posted Kids: Nature’s Petri dishes OR The solution to the unemployment problem?.

  23. So “Beyonce has made the move” is a phrase with certain caveats? Personally, I wouldn’t have considered that I’d “made a move” if I’d lost a limb on the way. Rather, I would flag that as a dissatisfying move.

    Like

    Andreas Heinakroon recently posted Fimbulwinter.

  24. Yey! It warms the cockles of my heart that you’re giving it to animals. <3

    (Get it? Cockles? Of course you did.)

    Like

  25. Wow, it’s amazing how nice that scary ass cobra looks now. That Marie Antoinette is a problem fixer, yes siree.

    Like

    Kara recently posted Michael Nesmith is the Awesome.

  26. While he is at it, Victor should give your cock a third leg. just sayin’…

    Like

    Amanda @ Guide For Moms recently posted King Hawaiian: How Do You Say Thank You? Win $100! #ProjectMahalo.

  27. If you like it then you should put the leg back on it.

    Like

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted Super Friends Season 2, Episode 11 – “Attack of the Killer Bees”.

  28. Whenever I hear that damn Macklemore “Thrift Shop” song I think of Beyonce.

    Like

    Rachael recently posted Ravello.

  29. I’m glad he’s welcome Beyonces cock vs. his own.

    Like

  30. I love when you share your newest treasures and then, later, get to see how/where you arrange them in your house. Only you could pull off Marie Antoinette.

    Like

  31. All I keep thinking is that Beyonce must be say he can’t get up what looks like a wicked spiral staircase.

    Like

  32. Some people just have no sense of adventure. Or humor.

    Like

    Julie recently posted The next time you're tempted to feel sorry for yourself . . ..

  33. I just don’t get America’s misguided use of the word cock. It took me years to get over saying it, but I guess they fling it around casually in the UK because roosters are called cocks. Silly America. I heart it. Also, I didn’t mean that sentence to sound so dirty. Fling it around. Geez.

    Like

    Allison recently posted Reasons Why You, You and Yes, You Should Enter The 2013 Weta Nichols Writing Contest.

  34. Playing dumb usually works for me. That and answering questions with more questions. People eventually just give up and leave me alone.

    Like

    Dolores recently posted Not a real post, just an update.

  35. As I recall, a certain actor person does a bit of welding.

    Like

  36. Doesn’t this mean that Beyonce’s name has to be changed to Eileen?

    Ba-Dum-Dum

    (did this just post twice? So sorry….)

    Like

  37. Also, can I just say I’m disappointed by the amount of people who seem upset over your choice of words. Hell, it’s your cock, why shouldn’t you call it what it is?

    Like

    Allison recently posted Reasons Why You, You and Yes, You Should Enter The 2013 Weta Nichols Writing Contest.

  38. Beyonce would look fab with a wooden peg leg and eye patch. Stylin’ cock pirate!

    Like

    Robin recently posted HOLY SH!T I JUST ATE MY OWN EYEBALL.

  39. But it is a nice cock. Shame it’s broken. Hope it gets fixed nice and straight–it’s always strange when a cock is wonky.

    Like

  40. 41
    The Original Lisa

    Look at all those stairs you are going to fall down. Also, let me know if you find a $100 (or so, give or take….it might have been $5 or $400) when you are packing. I think I left it there last time.

    Like

  41. Just so you know, the CEO of the ASPCA makes over $500,000 a year. Your cock’s donations would do a lot more at your local shelter.

    Like

  42. I imagine the person at the welding place will have the best answer EVER when s/he goes home and is asked about how today went.

    Snicker.

    Like

    Jess recently posted It was a Shark-Sarlacc...Sharklacc!.

  43. Is it just me or is there a lot more green surrounding the new place as opposed to the old place?

    Like

  44. I SO thought this said “cook.” So glad it was really cock.

    Like

    Mary recently posted Santa Carolina Carmenere.

  45. Wow… Just wow…. ROTFL!

    Like

    Kerry :) recently posted Themesong Thursday- Berlin – Beautiful!.

  46. My Ex once walked into the hardware store and asked for a good stiff caulk. Got a laugh out of that.

    Like

  47. Can’t you just stick a weasel under that leg and call it good?

    Like

  48. Nobody has a sense of humor anymore. what’s up with that? Or, they have dirty minds which is why they hung up on you. Shame on them.

    Like

    Kimberly J recently posted Ring Shopping.

  49. Are you too young to remember Flashdance? That girl was not only gorgeous and talented, she was a welder. Why didn’t you call her?

    Like

    Laurie F. recently posted Plinky Prompt: If you could visit any city in the world, which city would you pick?.

  50. Marie Antoinette is AWESOME! As a side project you should be an art buyer-collector for the world’s villians–this stuff screams that it belongs in a lair.

    Good luck to Beyonce. Pimping and moving to a new house ain’t easy. Speedy recovery.

    Like

    Jean recently posted Selling Your Soul On Ebay.

  51. Make sure Victor doesn’t dismantle Bey with that welding gun! Better keep an eye on him. ;o)

    Like

  52. Hobby Lobby has glass cocks but you get weird looks from them for calling them that LOL esp when you say it loudly around other costumers. “Look at all the glass cocks, they’re so big and colorful!”

    Like

  53. Somewhere in Central Texas, there has to be another one-legged cock that is just waiting to be set up on a date with Beyonce…

    Like

    Hip-Baby Mama recently posted Top Ten Signs You Didn't Get Any Sleep Last Night.

  54. Don’t let Victor near a weld flame thingy – you’ll have to move again!

    Like

    Julie You Jest recently posted O is for Oh my god, it’s going to suck out my bones!.

  55. If Beyonce is a giant metal cock, perhaps you should have named him Steely Dan. (Where my book nerds at?!)

    Like

  56. If you hang some nuts from your cock, you’ll attract plenty of tits.

    Obviously, I’m talking about a birdfeeder and some birds. What were you thinking?

    Like

    thedavidcmurphy recently posted Some Hamsters Being Hilarious..

  57. LOL!! Love your post. Choked on my lunch laughing.

    Like

  58. Could the author of this piece incidentally be “the maid of Orleans?” The prose and writing style seem eerily similar…

    Like

  59. Poor Victor…. *snicker*

    Like

    Alexia561 recently posted Review: The Eternity Cure.

  60. Giving B a wooden leg may just make the whole situation more fantastic.

    Like

  61. please tell victor that in some cultures reattaching a piece of someone’s cock is tantamount to a proposal. (but only if you weren’t the person who caused said cock piece to detach in the first place.)

    Like

  62. 64
    Kathy P in Pittsburgh

    Perhaps you should refer to Beyonce as a giant metal lawn rooster when making these phone calls.
    Just, you know…to avoid any images of Terminator on a sex spree.

    Like

  63. “Just make sure Victor wears a welding hood, no good having a broken cock and a blind husband.”

    that’s what too much masturbation gets you.

    Like

  64. If we weren’t straight and married, I would totally want you to be my girlfriend. You complete me sometimes.

    Like

  65. So funny! Just thinking of the quote sheets written up for this type of work is hilarious.

    Also, giant metal roosters without a leg to stand on should probably avoid hanging out at the top of stone steps. Just sayin. That’s a way to lose other good cock parts.

    Like

    Sarah recently posted A Murder of Doctors, or Why My Sister is the Coolest Dork I Know.

  66. You might even say that Beyonce busted a move…

    Like

    RuthWells recently posted Math.

  67. I’m happy Beyonce was the only family member to suffer damage on the move, and even happier he/she (I never know what to say) is repairable. ! It would seem to me you could get the moving company to pay for the welding, but then, maybe filling out their insurance forms might be as tricky as calling for a welder. :)

    Like

    carmen webster buxton recently posted The Sixth Discipline is on a roll!.

  68. You could take the chance to upgrade Beyonce. Either a prosthetic human leg or a Terminator leg would make a great fashion statement.

    Like

  69. But…YOUR COCK IS BROKEN!!! They should be taking that very seriously!

    Like

    Melissa B recently posted The Marathon.

  70. broken cocks suck. hehe. hi, i’m nine, and i giggle every time cock and suck are in the same sentence.

    Like

  71. as usual the comment section does not disappoint….lol

    Like

  72. Don’t think of Beyonce as missing a leg, think of it as him harnessing his inner flamingo.

    Like

  73. Perhaps stating you need your giant chicken’s severed leg reattached will result in fewer hang ups. Then again, maybe not.

    Like

  74. Victor has a myriad of skills.

    I can’t believe neither of the welding places bothered to listen long enough to get the whole story.

    Like

    Sue recently posted I need to remember to close the screen door.

  75. Well, a lot of cocks lean a little, don’t they?

    Like

    Alison recently posted Owls, Otters, and Other Animals Outside my Window.

  76. I love you. But I have to wonder what your neighbors think. Maybe you should give them a copy of your book.

    Like

  77. I just want to thank you. No matter how cloudy my head is, you never fail to elicit a laugh from me. And smiles the rest of the day when i remember. Thank you.

    Like

  78. Keep posting the photos of the unpacking. It’s exciting!

    Like

    Kathleen recently posted Poem with a Hammer In It.

  79. 82
    Kevin MacNutt

    Well, perhaps the welders should have heard you out and realized it was not a prank phone call. Back when I sold parts for vintage Mustangs I had a customer call and ask for a “hood penis”. While I had never heard it called that before, I knew what he was talking about. It is the post that locks into a plate on the car that keeps the hood from flying open in the event that it comes unlatched. In the customers defense it is a collared post with a pointed end, so I can see why he would identify it the way he did, although I usually call it by the more logical “hood locking post”. Given the actual size of the hood locking post, I kinda felt sorry for the customer and fully understood his reasoning behind owning a muscle car.

    Like

  80. 83
    Ruth Anne Flear

    Ok sitting on a bus trying not to laugh out loud but failing miserably. Failing mostly when stifling a laugh I tend to snort. Lmao. Now I am crying as everyone is staring at me. Thanks for making me laugh.

    Like

  81. Jesus I just busted out laughing in the office. Great minds think alike!

    Like

    TBag recently posted It's flooding outside and the trains are at a halt, so I'm doing a LINK UP!!.

  82. “Why Beyoncé?” Just curious on the name choice. I thought I was the only one who actually named certain…décor around my house!!” Our plants have names too! Of course once you name them – there becomes a sense of attachment. Then if they die – I’m devastated. I know I’m pathetic… http://www.lifeasamorticianswife.com

    Lynne Houston.

    Like

    Lynne H. recently posted Delivery Girl Dies At NY Funeral Home (ok, I exaggerated).

  83. Love this!

    Reminds me of my sister, back in our Catholic high school, when she announced to a theater full of parents, teachers, and nuns — “The talent show will now have a short intermission. Please help yourself to cocks and cookies in the lobby.”

    Gasp!

    “I mean cokes! COKES and cookies in the lobby!”

    She never lived that down!

    Like

    Darcy Perdu recently posted Colonel Mustard with the Drapery Cord in the Living Room!.

  84. I may be late to the game on this, but has anyone mentioned to you that Nathan Fillion is a welder? Seriously. He wanted to learn how in case of a zombie apocalypse and to help him build Halloween costumes. I told the whole story on Conan last year. I’m pretty sure you sending him a request for him to weld your cock would move you up to the full restraining order status with him, but I’d say it is totally worth the risk.
    Look, proof! http://youtu.be/3JDqhqizyB4

    Like

    Rixie recently posted Rookie Mistake.

  85. Beyonce is pretending to be a flamingo.

    Like

  86. Of all the cocks on the Internet, yours is my favorite.

    Like

    Dana the Biped recently posted The Real Deal on "Real Beauty".... And Where to Actually Find It.

  87. I pity all the people looking for porn, by Googling metal cock, and instead get Beyonce, not the other Beyonce either.

    Like

  88. Oh the horror! The typo of extreme embarrassment! I hide my head in shame. HE told the story on Conan. HE did. Not I. Not me. Not… Oh take it back internet. Take it back!!!

    Like

    Rixie recently posted Rookie Mistake.

  89. You crack me up!

    I can’t even….

    Let me just say you crack me up.

    Like

    Lovebabz recently posted Last Few Days I was Feeling Very Jabba-The-Hut.....

  90. I still love that Beyonce is a girl’s name for a boy chicken. Reminds me of the weird vines some guy Jordan Burt is making: he has an….awkward…relationship with a female mannequin named Dennis.

    Like

    Andi recently posted Anne Lamott and me: honoring our moms.

  91. “Marie Antoinette and the Cobra” is a work of art; it is crying out for a short story of its possible history.

    Like

  92. Also, I wish your blog had a Like button for all your fan comments. Some of them are priceless. I’m still laughing at someone’s remark at their right to “bear arms.” This is old news, isn’t it. Ahem.

    Like

    Andi recently posted Anne Lamott and me: honoring our moms.

  93. I just recently acquired a giant cock of my own and am now the envy of all the ladies in my small town. I’m running a “name that cock” contest and the winner gets a bottle of my homemade booze. Based on the entries, there are some very strange women where I live.

    Like

  94. You almost wonder if that plumber left and wondered just what he saw. Or if he smoked too much beforehand. Also, tradesmen I know have dirty minds. Why wouldn’t they want to fix your giant cock? The welders I know would be more than happy to fix him for you but might weld him a new bit because they would be laughing so hard doing it.

    Like

    Brandee recently posted Love is love.

  95. 98
    Minnesota Red

    I have a bust of David wearing a Batman mask in my office. I totally grasp your situation and share your joy.

    Like

  96. Okay. Am I the only one who wants to know more about Marie Antoinette sculpture?!!

    Like

  97. You are my favorite blog to read. No matter how anxious I’m feeling, I can always count on you for a laugh. Thank you.

    Like

    danielle recently posted Pictures Please.

  98. 101
    KellyBundysEvilTwin

    In an ironic twist of fate, I had to call Lowes yesterday to see if they had any black caulk ………

    Like

  99. 102
    Jo Supernaw

    I just shared your Juanita Weasel with my coworker and she literally cried from laughing so hard. Thanks for writing these story so I could make that happen :)

    Like

  100. Can you get Victor to attach it an an angle so it looks like your cock is peeing?

    Like

    Kathy in KS recently posted Monday morning.

  101. 104
    tiffanized

    I may be focusing on the wrong thing here, but how many egg rolls is TOO MANY? I need to know. For a friend.

    Like

  102. Goddammit, I love you so much!

    Like

  103. The welder conversations could have been much worse. Imagine: “Beyonce lost a leg, and I want you to weld a new one on, since she’s just leaning on the steps now. Oh, and don’t worry — we removed the wasp’s nest from her stomach.”

    (Does Jay-Z know???)

    Like

  104. Wait a minute. This is actually VICTOR’S cock, if I recall. You gave it to him as a gift, right? So it is your HUSBAND’S cock that needs repair, not yours. And of course, if he can fix it, he should do it. Some things are better kept private (between you, Victor, and us), and Beyonce may be one of them.

    Please keep us posted. This is an issue with history. We need to know how it comes out.

    Like

  105. 108
    John Kirkpatrick

    Have you moved to the other side of town, more central Texas, or deeper into the hearta Texas?

    Like

  106. Be thankful someone is there to fix your cock.

    Like

  107. My BFs best friend works for a welding shop. I’m going to have to ask him what his reply would have been.

    Like

    Patti B recently posted Introducing my newest time suck.

  108. Beyonce stories are the best! I just spit out my drink reading this, lol.

    Like

  109. 112
    Amy in StL

    Have you looked into JB weld? That stuff is seriously awesome for metal repair. Like metal in a tube, well actually two tubes.

    Like

  110. Cock repair is an important, and too often overlooked, part of personal health and well-being.

    Like

    Melissa recently posted Finding shapes in the clouds.

  111. Broken cocks are a huge problem. So I’m glad you have this worked out. In other news, I have guest room and always need more crazy in my house, so come on over! You’ll be in great company! :)

    Sarah
    http://www.thinfluenced.com

    Like

    Sarah recently posted Ten Things Thursday! (I can't help it I'm nuts. It happens.).

  112. Okay, so of all the things you post the thing that surprises me the most is Beyonce is a male. Seems dumb now, seeing as though it is a cock, but seriously I thought it was a her.

    Like

    Raine recently posted I Stole It.

  113. You’re so awesome for donating to your local no kill shelter and the ASPCA. I mean, in addition to all the other reasons you’re awesome. Srsly.

    Like

    Jen recently posted Doberman Assistance Network: Fundraising and new cases (warning, pictures are pretty sad).

  114. Why is it when you tell people you broke your cock they go to that naughty place? Bad people! lol.

    Like

    Jenn recently posted Baltimore Inner Harbor – The People.

  115. Where does a one legged waitress work? IHOP

    What’s her name? Eileen

    But what if she is oriental? Irene

    I know – so bad………..

    Like

  116. I can’t believe those places would hang up instead of welding your cock. Especially in this economy. Most people need all the work they can get… cock welding or not.

    Like

    Keaven recently posted Tunisian Crochet Afghans.

  117. LOL! too funny! but really, i don’t understand why people don’t want to fix a broken cock. there’s no fun in a broken cock. it’s only good when upright…

    Like

    Volante recently posted Wednesday’s Wanderings...

  118. It’s wrong that my first thought was “Let them eat snake.” Right?

    Like

  119. I bet Beyonce let his leg get broken on purpose just so that you would have to make phone calls that sound vaguely obscene. He’s such a trickster that way.

    Like

    Karen Peterson recently posted Make it Stop.

  120. Please record Victor going in to ask for a welding thingie to fix his broken cock! Pretty please? oh, and in the interest of safety, he should probably ask for a demonstration …. And for protective eyewear, too. Wouldn’t want that thingie going off prematurely. You could put someone’s eye out.

    Like

  121. You make my day!

    Like

  122. OMG – thank you for making me laugh out loud. I tried to hold it in because I’m at work, but just couldn’t do it. I can totally picture you on the phone having this conversation. And, the baffled look on your face when you are hung up on :-)

    Like

    Malia recently posted Five Years.

  123. You should totally publish a Beyonce picture and story coffee table book.

    Like

  124. Gotta love a man who’ll take a cock in his own hands and weld it.

    Like

    erikankie recently posted Advertising for Life..

  125. I’m so glad someone mentioned JB weld. I need it to fix my pussy. Yeah, he’s metal too and lost his tail in a tragic accident involving a vaccuum cleaner.

    Like

  126. I have a giant cockroach named Vern on my desk at work.

    Like

  127. Beyonce never fails to make me happy. I’d come introduce myself as your new neighbor if I lived next door to you because I’d have to be friends with someone who has a giant metal cock outside.

    Marie Antoinette and Rikki-Tikki-Tavi are also made of awesome and win.

    Like

  128. I’m skying with my 80 year old Dad tonight. I cannot wait to share some of this oh-so-bustin’-a-gut funny stuff. Seriously got me outta the funk I was in. Many thanks!

    Like

  129. oops…spellcheck outted: skyping…not skying :) sigh…

    Like

  130. If you want your cock welded right, you have to do it yourself.

    Like

    Geoffrey @realgtaylor recently posted Netflix / Nature.

  131. I can just imagine being the receptionist picking up the phone.
    “Your… cock? You want hot fire next to your cock?”

    Like

    CrissyM recently posted Around the Web.

  132. Jenny, seriously, I absolutely love you and I mean that in the best way possible.

    Like

  133. I hope you kept his leg, otherwise, I am kinda worried about what you would weld on in place on one. Although it would probably be too meta to weld a giant metal penis on instead of a leg.

    Like

    Holly Folly recently posted A Drunken Conversation with my Super Best Friend..

  134. It probably wouldn’t be of much use to Beyonce, but I did see 12″ black ballcocks at Home Depot recently.

    Like

    Michelle Weisenberg recently posted Intro to Italy.

  135. Someday you’re going to make one of those phone calls, and the person on the other end is going to ask, “is your name Jenny Lawson?” I can’t wait to read that blog entry.

    Like

    Connie recently posted Secret Knitting.

  136. People that come to my home to work on things I have found are more comfortable if I take the large photograph of my great grandfather in med chool down. When I forget, I find there are two reactions…. love or hate. There is no “well that’s an OK photograph of an autopsy.”
    My friends of course all LOVE it.

    Like

  137. 140
    Geek Goddess

    I use Gorilla Glue for everything.

    Like

    Geek Goddess recently posted The Slightly Less Traveled Bahamas.

  138. I can only imagine the looks on the faces of the folks on the receiving end of those “cock repair” calls! LMAO

    Like

    Courtney recently posted The Lost Dogs: Michael Vick’s Dogs and Their Tale of Rescue and Redemption.

  139. Why do I not own a welding business in Texas?! Oddly enough this is not the first time I’ve asked myself this.

    Like

    Sara recently posted Brave Girls Apply Within.

  140. Jenny,

    We are hoping you are far enough away from West that you are intact.

    Physically, we mean.

    Because the other?

    I mean, c’mon.

    We read your book.

    So, you and your family all safe?

    Like

    HogsAteMySister recently posted David Attenborough’s Remarkable Discovery About Unknown Natural Enemies in New Zealand.

  141. Sometimes, there really aren’t adequate words.

    Like

    Karen Sanders recently posted The Disappearing Parent.

  142. I can’t believe you still have Beyonce!

    Natasha @ Serenity You

    Like

    Natasha recently posted Pinterest Power Party + Features {Co-Hosting}.

  143. Well, it’s probably better that your husband is handling your cock instead of a stranger… that can get weird. Also, you have a lot of stairs…

    Like

  144. One day, oh great Bloggess, I hope to be able to confuse people as well as you do. I am still but a novice, but I think I do pretty well most of the time! I worship at your altar of non-sequiteur.

    Like

    Laura Morrigan recently posted Teacups, Lapis Lazuli and Emilie Autumn- Recent Outfits.

  145. Hey, Jenny…my dog, Pearl, is missing a leg (actually, it’s her right ARM). Would you ask Victor to stop by & weld a new one on, for her?! Thanks, gyrlfriend…you guyz are awesome! ~?~

    Like

  146. Victor is great to get you off the phone and offer to fix beyonce himself.

    Like

    Rea recently posted Shit..this is my damned life!.

  147. Cock block.,

    Like

  148. It concerns me that people in your area don’t know how to handle giant cocks.

    Like

    Stacey recently posted Hiccups.

  149. It makes me happy to read your wacky posts. My sympathies on your broken cock. It’s never good to have a broken cock.

    Like

    Heather recently posted Rehtaeh Parsons – Do her alleged “rapists” deserve our open hearts and minds?.

  150. Those welders act like it is too weird to fix giant cocks, hmmm where do they come from??

    Like

    Mexmom recently posted Confidence is what every woman needs.

  151. Yeah, I get that reaction whenever I ask people to weld my huge metal cock

    Like

    Adjunct Proff recently posted More Marathon Madness.

  152. You could come to Fort Collins, CO for a book promo – there’s a place just up the road toward Estes Park that has a bunch of giant metal cocks.

    Like

  153. But I am still wondering how the move went because last I heard, Beyonce had a few built-in bees to ward off burglars. I bet the movers loved that shit.

    Like

  154. Plumbers and welders…SO judgmental.

    Like

    Jason aka The Queer Next Door recently posted Grim Reaper…Stop. You've Already Met Your Quota.

  155. it kinda looks like you’ve moved into an upscale joint? no? oh yeah, that’s right you live in Texas – like me, it’s either hot or it’s silly or it’s just Texas and the file for that is: deal with it. I am wondering if you have neighbors that are there but not present or neighbors that are present but not there. My neighbors are better than a c- movie, free, entertaining and almost always gone. Hope the weather is good for your weekend. thanks for posting/journaling/keeping me informed. . .

    Like

  156. You should really record some of these conversations for posterity so that the rest of us can live vicariously through the embarrassed and stunned pauses they create.

    Like

    Southern Girl recently posted What do tornado warnings and insomnia have in common?.

  157. Horrah for Beyonce’s triumphant (albeit wobbly) conquer of the back porch. Good luck to Victor with the welding. I hope you take pictures. It sounds like a good post in the making.

    Like

    Kp recently posted Service 2/3.

  158. Blog reading is so educational. I had no idea it was even possible to eat too many egg rolls.

    Like

    suburbancorrespondent recently posted Seminars For Parents Of Teens.

  159. I HATE IT when my giant cock is broken…good luck getting it back up……

    Like

    leanne tankel recently posted Only Connect!.

  160. 163
    Broomrider1964

    I work at a technical school, and I have an entire welding shop at my disposal. Well, not really, since I’m not the instructor for that class, But I could pull some strings for you.

    Like

  161. First the jizz post, now the cock. What next?
    But while we are on the subject, my work had a potluck today and it was a multi-cultural theme. Wouldn’t ya know, the British manager brought spotted dick and pudding. Most of us had never heard of it and none if us had tasted it before. Obviously, we asked a lot of questions. Not only did we learn about eating dick, but we learned that no matter how innocent and professional you try to be, everything sounds dirty when you are talking about spotted dick.

    Like

  162. That sculpture is amazing. Dealing with weird looks from the occasional stranger in your home is totally worth having that!!

    Like

  163. ‘Ostrich’

    Like

    Cathy recently posted 365 Poems: Please come to Boston.

  164. Beyonce is no longer a giant cock, he is now a flamingo with a cowlick.

    Like

    Hj recently posted The Oaxaca Post.

  165. ASPCA CAN actually earmark the donation for cock rescue:) The organization I work for assisted in game cock seizures with national orgs like the ASPCA… That’s right. Game.Cock.Seizures. You’re welcome.

    Like

  166. Did you buy a church or something?? The steps in the background of that pic are CRAZY wide. I ask because I’m pretty sure if you did buy a church, the welding wouldn’t be what set the house aflame. Exactly the same reason I forgo Christmas Eve church festivities.

    Like

  167. So awesome that you donated!

    Like

    Punky Coletta recently posted You Didn’t Know You Wanted to do This Before You Die.

  168. Don’t the welders recognize the urgency of a broken cock situation? Seriously. Customer service these days. Thank you for your awesomeness.

    Like

    Heather recently posted Dallas Zoo Excursion.

  169. 172
    kathi wright

    oh my gosh….marie antoinette stroking the snake….too funny!

    Like

  170. You might want to hold onto that money until after Victor does the welding. WHO KNOWS what else might get broken/wounded/go up in a firey ball of death during that process?

    Like

    Brenna recently posted The party scene.

  171. I just recently saw this: http://officeforward.com/crazy-cat-full-lions-mane-costume.html and thought, surely I’ve seen this on the Bloggess’ blog at some point? But maybe not? If not, you definitely need a mane for your kitty. :)

    Like

  172. 175
    Annony Mouse

    This post made me laugh so hard the tears ran down my leg! (And gave me an asthma attack – seriously. You are so funny you nearly killed me! I haven’t needed an inhaler since high school – good thing my daughter has one!)

    Like

  173. This is why I keep coming back to this blog. Even though I am old enough to be your mother, I still laugh out loud at you and your crazy way of looking at life. It’s fabulous! Thank you for the chuckles, giggles and guffaws!

    Like

  174. I really wanted to see Marie Antoinette’s picture! :D Awesome….and your minions are soooo cool!! Good luck with the welding to Victor…:)

    Like

    Miss Gee recently posted Why God, Why?.

  175. OMG… I soo needed to read this… Thankin’ ya! ROTFLMAO

    Like

    Cindy recently posted Begging for attention!.

  176. NO ONE is happy when your cock falls apart. Even missing one part ruins the look of the entire piece.

    If I had a dime for every time I’ve had to get a cock repaired because of a broken leg….

    Like

    Lisa Newlin recently posted One girl’s response to an email from her sorority sister.

  177. Love the Marie Antoinette and snake!! My husband saw it and said the piece needed to be called “Let them eat snake.” You are awesome!

    Like

  178. Did you tell them that your cock’s name was Beyonce? Because if you did and they still hung up, then they are just being assholes.

    Like

    Shawn Walter recently posted Some days, it's not a good thing.

  179. You are my hero

    Like

    Robyn recently posted So. It begins. The beginning of the end….

  180. My daughter and I were both upset when Beyonce lost his leg, she came in to specifically tell me and I said to her at the same time “did you see Beyonce lost a leg!?”.

    I am sure that my partner thinks we are both cracked because when ever anything unexpected happens and we want to express our surprise both of us go “cluck cluck motherfucker” in honour of Victor.

    whom we are certain is the most patient understanding man on the planet.

    Like

    boodie recently posted 10 things that made me cry today.

  181. When I worked in an office supply store I had a very nice mortified man in whose boss had sent him. He was so embarrassed because he didn’t know the real name for what his boss wanted and he couldn’t find them wandering the store. It was “paper assholes” and he had to ask me! I knew just what he meant :-)

    Like

  182. I hope your cock is standing straight again real soon, that your home does not go up in flames, & I love that you donated the money to the ASPCA.

    Like

  183. 186
    Telzey Amberdon

    Ooh, Beyonce is making believe he’s a stork!

    I helped a friend with similar collecting proclivities to your own move and it was a hoot. The movers were particularly adorable. I heard one tell another, “I think we’re moving The Addams Family.” (he was not wrong) Another screamed horribly so that we all came running (except me, I continued backing up the 5,000th glass dragon), and I heard him say, “It’s okay, it wasn’t real.” He had put his hand in a vase and come out with a rubber cobra.

    Like

  184. Why do you move so much? Is it because you’re slowly sharing your awesomness one neighbourhood at a time?

    Like

    Marvelous Meghan recently posted Photo.

  185. I may not be a regular reader, but every time I do pop by your blog just cracks me up. Totally made my day.

    Thanks!

    Like

    Serena H recently posted Shimelle Laine is re-running the scrapbook remix class!.

  186. http://m.tickld.com/t/75855 this is not spam.. I read your book and loved it! This picture’s description reminded me of you. You now have a name for your awkwardness

    Like

  187. 190
    Lady Penelope

    Well aint Victor a keeper; agreeing to fix his wife’s giant metal cock.
    Not too many can claim their husbands would do the same…

    Like

  188. I really needed that laugh.

    Like

    Kattie recently posted I can't say it.

  189. 192
    lucky maria

    Marie Antoinette and Riki Tiki Tavi – that crime fighting duo. LET THEM EAT SNAKE ! [couldn’t resist]. But seriously, do you even shop in the same country I live in? WTF? [and that’s actually WHERE the fuck, do you find this stuff?]

    Like

  190. Beyonce is a BOY?

    Like

  191. How on earth did you get the hornets out of your giant cock?

    Like

  192. You really do make me laugh when it is most needed. Thanks Jenny!

    Like

  193. 196
    pictsiegirl

    I. Love. You.

    Like

  194. Life is one big fucked-up frat party to you, isn’t it, Jenny?
    Good for you!

    Like

    The Hook recently posted A Journey Across The Wonderland That Is My Life..

  195. awesome. just awesome.

    Like

    monica recently posted How to Survive the Second to the Last Month of School.

  196. Beyonce!! Did you see that I found a giant metal chicken just like that? But by giant, I mean he’s like 10 feet tall… and I named him Jay-Z… but now I can’t buy him and I’m sad. :(

    Like

    Emelie recently posted JENNY LAWSON, WE FOUND BEYONCE’S BROTHER!!!.

  197. I think Beyonce should have a wooden leg. Than she would need an eye patch.

    You have no idea how important you are to my day.

    Like

  198. Holy crap you crack me up!

    Like

  199. Lol!!!

    On another note, ever heard of Polly Morgan?? Just watched a BBC documentary about her and her art, and thought of you immediately; if you get the chance, see it, it’s right up your street! Or go to her website, pollymorgan.co.uk – the front page is a warning voor people of a nervous disposition!!

    Like

  200. Wow the leg broke off, what a cheap cock! I hate cheap cocks.

    Like

  201. I also read this as you calling a “wedding place” and thought you were the one my husband told me about that cut off her husbands penis!

    Like

  202. Perhaps mentioning how much your husband hates your broken cock would help? No? Nevermind, then.

    Like

    Rabia @ TheLiebers recently posted 5 Things that Made Me Happy This Week.

  203. You are the best – I can not imagine a day when I can’t visit your blog :)
    I just wish you were my neighbor!
    Keep on chugging along & smiling, you make so many people smile every day.

    Like

  204. That is seriously the most utterly awesome rendering of Marie Antoinette and her epic, and tumultuous, love-hate relationship with Rikki-Tikki-Tavi. (Or something epic, and tumultuous, maybe shocking and perhaps a bit disturbing.)
    Awesome. Simply awesome. And epic.

    Like

  205. those cocks can be so much trouble.

    Like

  206. –>Poor Beyonce, can’t even Cock a leg without falling down.

    -deb

    Like

    WebSavvyMom recently posted Let's Play Ball!.

  207. Where is the winged boar?

    Like

  208. Awww, Beyonce is now a Special Needs Cock. I hope you’re not making these calls to “fix” him within
    Earshot. He needs to know he’s loved and accepted just the way he is

    Like

  209. Believe me. A brocken cock is not good!
    Thanks for making me laugh.

    Like

  210. Wait, what happened to his flying pig that made him incocknito?

    Like

  211. You have a big cock. A big, metal cock.

    Thanks, that was fun typing that.

    Like

  212. Reading this at my office when I should be doing something else, and dying laughing, and I can’t read it aloud or share it, because it is the office.

    By the way, we actually HAVE a chupacabra, which I wanted to tell you since reading your book reminded me of that term. People here don’t know what a chupa is. Which is totally sad. But I have one. He camos himself as a border collie mix and stalks down potted plants for ruthless destruction, as goats really aren’t available in the city where we live.

    And it is tragic that Beyonce lost a limb… maybe a chupacabra did it.

    Like

  213. Why does the strangest shit go missing with moves. I now have a flick board without the little round flick thingies. Furniture loses bits. My mind also loses more sane bits.

    Like

    Vivian recently posted Some hot tea Dahling while you hang on and hang on and hang on?.

  214. I bet Rikki Tikki could totally take Miss B in a fight.
    PS-You are super funny.

    Like

    Lori recently posted Soap gets in your eyes..

  215. Girl, I’m moving tomorrow. I DON’T EVEN KNOW. I feel your pain.

    Like

  216. O no! Just u just move to suburbia? U r so screwed. Suburbia is full of crazy people
    Who care about things like social connections, doily parties, and what Church you attend and not for the right reasons. I’m praying for you, sister. I went crazy in suburbia.

    Like

  217. I wish you lived next door to me! My brother can weld, he would fix Beyonce!

    I’ve been thinking of doing a bloggess inspired lunch, and I FINALLY did it.. Beyonce!!!

    Like

    Lisa-Marie recently posted Beyonce For Lunch.

  218. 222
    John Kirkpatrick

    I’ll bet if Kirsten Dunst was holding a snake with Rikki-Tikki-Tavi in her lap, that plumber wouldn’t have made a peep.

    Like

  219. Laughing my ass off.

    Like

    batpoopcrazy recently posted Reflections.

  220. Thank you for requesting the donation in ‘cocks’ name. I completely needed such a donation and expert advice a few years back. I was raising real, live chickens–and they acquired some horrific disease. I called every shelter ,vet, and animal society within 100 miles. Most of them laughed at me and it was frustrating-to say the least! My (now ex) husband and I had to take a machete to my entire flock out of–dear gods, I can’t watch them suffer anymore. I’d buried so many pets in my yard that we were out of room. We had to give them a half-assed Viking funeral in our burning barrel. It smelled like fried chicken.
    In any case, where can I get a Marie Antoinette? And if you can solder, you can weld.

    Like

  221. So the welding place ended up being a “cock blocker”, ending with you hubby fixing your cock.
    Interesting.

    Jason
    The Cheeky Daddy

    Like

    Jason recently posted Finding The Energy For Parents.

  222. 226
    charismamaJP

    Thank you from Boston, we really needed a laugh here today.

    Like

  223. Oh. I had thought that Beyonce was somehow a female.
    But poor Beyonce, either way.

    Like

  224. Poor Beyonce; there’s nothing worse when a loved one is hurt. BTW, ASPCA is the shelter in New York City; they have nothing to do with your local SPCA or other shelter of choice. All SPCA’s are autonomous.

    Like

  225. I wanted to post pictures of my pugs, but I guess I can’t as a comment? Darn…will you post a picture of your pug…please…I love pugs as much as cocks (only differently:)

    Like

    leanne tankel recently posted Only Connect!.

  226. not to be mean or anything, but Beyonce so deserves to have a metal cock named after her

    Like

  227. You and Maru both just moved.

    Like

  228. Okay, first this was hysterical and then Lucky Maria cracked me up in the comments.

    Like

  229. My husband welds. Beware of hair fires. And shirt fires.

    Like

  230. And now I cannot get the Riki Tiki Tavi song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TY7Rxae4pjU) out of my head. If only there was some way that he and Marie Antoinette could start singing that song whenever someone walked into the room — now that would give the plumber something to be weirded out about.

    Riki Tiki Tavi mongoose is gone…

    Like

    PinotNinja recently posted Amy Poehler Saves the Day Yet Again..

  231. I am finally getting to read your book!!! I couldn’t afford to buy it (sorry), so I had to wait on the library waiting list. I love it so far!!! I love the whole thing, but the conversations with Victor will always be my favorite. :-)

    Like

  232. Your giant cock is beautiful!

    Like

    A Cook Not Mad recently posted 5 Unlikely US Cities For Food Lovers.

  233. Antoinette is so BEAUTIFUL and looks quite playful with Rikki, although I do worry that the snake might bite her delicate wrist. And you are so AWESOME!!

    Like

  234. This made me laugh out loud – thank you for making my Sunday :-)

    Like

  235. Duct tape works well on cocks.

    Do not ask how I know this.

    Like

    HogsAteMySister recently posted Comic Relief — Yank Drivers Down Under.

  236. What if you’re judging the plumber before he has a chance to like, congratulate you on your epic stuff in a totally heartfelt way?

    Like

    Klementine recently posted Everyday Sexism: The Effects of Following It on Twitter.

  237. Well, for realz, I called the Honeybaked store at Thanksgiving and asked the lady how “how are your hams holding out?”. Not really naughty, but I didn’t really hear that it sounded like a lame 7th grade joke until I said it. Anyhew, she said they were real, and they were spectacular. so, that’s nice.

    Like

    Todd recently posted Alternate Universe Todd Goes to San Diego.

  238. I used to work at the ASPCA Poison Control Center/HomeAgain hotline. Glad they helped you out!

    Like

  239. I think you should get B a wooden leg and eye patch. A metal pirate chicken would be pretty badass. And it could double as a security system. I don’t think and burglars would mess with a house with a pirate chicken on watch.

    Like

    Samantha recently posted Gak and Placentas.

  240. hah “metal cock”

    I was at work trying to contain laughter. My c-workers and I decided we can’t read your blog while our boss is around. :)

    Like

  241. You make me smile EVERY SINGLE POST. I was having a not-so-great evening and this turned it around… thank you. If you’re ever on South Congress in Austin, please let me treat you to “Mrs. P’s Electric Cock” – I live around the corner from Mrs. P’s and think of Beyonce every time I pass: http://www.electriccock.com/

    Like

  242. I think saying “Beyonce the Iron Cock” would have made them believe you.

    Like

  243. I just realized that Beyonce looks vaguely familiar. It appears his (her?) mini me is in my living room. No. Really.

    Like

  244. Oh God – Will you please hire one of those generic Molly Maids cleaning services sometime so I can read about how you had to instruct them to dust around Marie Antoinette and Rikki-Tikki-Tavi and only use vinegar and water when cleaning Beyonce’s cock because it is very sensitive? You owe that to us all.

    Like

    Jamie recently posted Common sense parenting: there’s a book for that, but you won’t find it here..

  245. So many big cock jokes, so little time. Another great post!!!

    Like

    Luci McQuitty Hindmarsh - mother.wife.me recently posted Always wear sunscreen.

  246. Jenny! You read my comment and posted a picture of Marie Antoinette holding a magnificent piece of taxidermy, just like I asked! I can only assume that A) You posted it b/c you inexplicably love me as much as I love you (in a mostly non-stalkerish way); or B) You missed my comment but still felt the need to post the picture b/c you and I have some kind of crazy psychic connection. Either way, you’re my hero, and I’m saving this picture and making it my new wallpaper. Which will result in a fantastically elaborate explanation when my husband sees it (I imagine similar to the conversation we had when I proudly showed him the taxidermied pegasus picture as though it were my own brilliant creation) and might possibly end with him insisting I have a psych eval in the near future. But don’t worry– I know how to fool the doctors by now ;) No one is taking my crazy away! Also, in the interests of not terrifying you, please realize that the vast majority of my seemingly insane ramblings are meant in a purely facetious light. But I do wish you lived next door to me b/c we would TOTALLY be BFFs forever! And in a slightly related topic, I’ve been wanting to start my own blog for awhile and woud LOVE to get a few tips from the best blogger ever. My collection of insane stories grows weekly, and I feel I’m depriving the world of hilarity by not sharing my perpetual clumsiness and almost unbelievably shitty luck ;) Not to mention all my bizarre neuroses. Talking about it to casual aquaintances makes me seem weird and slightly scary, but somehow blogging turns it from a perceived threat into a glittery-rainbow-unicorn story that makes other people feel superior in their smug normalcy. That is my gift to the world. YOU’RE WELCOME.

    Like

  247. Okay, so I’m a little behind on my internet reading (I guess technically that makes me a tiny bit of an ass, but that’s another story) so I only just noticed this post and remembered something I wanted to tell you. So I’m at a drugstore in Raleigh, NC recently (it was either a Riteaid or a CVS) and they had a rather unique version of your Beyonce. They only had one. Basically envision Beyonce at about a foot and a half or so tall, only instead of a belly it had a small FAN. It was sooooo “cool,” only I thought $40 was a little steep for a metal chicken with a fan for a belly and I could never figure out a room in my house where the colors would look good so I decided not to get it and I’ve been regretting it ever since.

    Like

  248. I had a real chicken with one leg until a hawk got her.

    Like

  249. Good tidings to the patron saint of saving my daily sanity. I recently learned that we actually have a wonderful organization in my local area called “save the cocks”. Their website is savethecocks.com.

    Just saying – maybe Beyonce could be their mascot – or rock star – or whatever.

    Like

  250. Jenny i love your blog and love even more that you donate to the no kill shelter!

    Like

  251. 255
    Emsy Lawson

    I really like that this was the post on my birthday. (PS – I’m @VenusRockHobbit)

    Like

  252. 256
    Squirrel Man

    I think Beyoncé should sue his sculptor for negligence. But, come to think of it… I guess he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

    Like

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