My new favorite thing: Playing dumb when it comes to all the fucked-up shit in my house.

Marie Antoinette and Rikki-Tikki-Tavi.

Plumber:  Wow.  That’s…huh.

me:  I know, right?  We have a stupid amount of comic book boxes.  Stop judging us.

Plumber:  That’s not what I was-

me:  No.  It’s fine.  I do realize we have a problem.

Vaguely related:  Beyonce has made the move and is now on the back porch.   He is also missing a leg.

If you have time to lean you're probably missing a leg.

The good news though is that twitter is a magical money machine and when I asked everyone I know to paypal me $2 a couple hundred people actually did it because they are amazing and care too much.  So then I called a custom welding place and was like “Hi.  I need to get an estimate because my giant cock is broken and I need you to weld it back together.”   And then I called another one and I was like “Hi.  DON’T HANG UP.  This is not a joke.  A piece of my cock recently broke off and that’s not weird because it’s made of metal and I need someone to help me reattach-Hello?  Hello?”  And then Victor said that he would just rent a welding thingie and weld it back together himself so I’m pretty sure that means that our entire house is going up in flames.  In brighter news, I’m donating the several hundred you sent me to the ASPCA (because they once helped me when my dog ate too many egg rolls) and the local no-kill shelter.  I’m also asking the ASPCA to earmark it for “cock rescue” if possible.  I can only imagine this will be another phone call that ends with just me on the phone.

256 replies. read them below or add one

  1. poor Bey. Victor is so sweet for fixing your broken cock

  2. I mis-read it as “custom wedding place” and it became an entirely different story.

  3. Hahahaha this post made my day. “A piece of my cock recently broke off and that’s not weird because it’s made of metal” Lol I don’t even have a witty response because that says it all.

    Charlotte @ Commitness to Fitness recently posted 8 Quotes to Remind You How Strong You Are.

  4. Loving Bey’s one-legged look. It’s as if she’s rocking her inner-flamingo.

    Katrina recently posted Comment on Yeah…I don’t know what I was thinking, either. by Rachael.

  5. Beyonce is just as “Fierce” even with one leg! ;) Rock on chicken, rock on!

    thedoseofreality recently posted It’s Not Easy Being Cheesy.

  6. “I have a valuable heirloom metal sculpture that I think you have the expertise and artistry to repair” just doesn’t have the impact that “I’d like you to weld my cock” does.

    Jami recently posted Going for a record.

  7. Beyonce’s just doing her best flamingo impersonation.

    Laura recently posted Get Your Thorny T-Shirts Here.

  8. What kind of a welder doesn’t fix a broken metal cock? I mean seriously, is that not their job?! Iron man is going to be pissed when he finds out that welders are getting selective with this shit.

    Ashley recently posted Say What You Need to Say..

  9. In high school, my nickname was cock roach. Long story. Anyway, I used to introduce myself like this. “Hi, my name is Cock Roach. You can call me Cock, for large.” I made a lot of friends.

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  10. Beyonce is just embracing his inner heron. He is trans-species.

    Squishy Amber recently posted What it means to be friends.

  11. I can only hope and dream of the day when you call the business I work at…

  12. Isn’t it nice to know that people care so much about your inanimate objects? Who knew a giant metal chicken to wheedle two bucks out of anybody, let alone a whole bunch of people? Crazy.

    LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? recently posted 8 simple rules for failing at yoga.

  13. I would love to live your life, for just one day, it sounds like good fun. Without the hiding in bathrooms though, so we’d have to schedule around that.

  14. I’d love to see the look on that person’s face when they try to justify the “cock rescue” designation to their boss . . .

    Wendy recently posted Steampunk Copper Gears Necklace and Earring Set with red and copper beads by NerdyNecklaces.

  15. The animal rescue league in Pittsburgh regularly gets cocks. They also do drag queen bingo. I can imagine no better place to get your love.

  16. This post is seriously incredibly amazing and why you are my absolute favorite blogger (well, other than myself I guess I would say but that’s a gray area).

    The last line of this is the best line I have read all day. Made me laugh so hard. Thank you for that as always.

    Lisa @ Drugstore Divas recently posted CVS: Easter Items Are 90% Off.

  17. You probably should have just said “rooster”. Or “sculpture”. You know… anything other than giant metal cock.

    Jessica @ Just a Mum? recently posted Hang In There, Kid..

  18. I love seeing the random stuff you have around your house. I’m glad you’re going to fix your giant metal cock. My husband would never trust me with a welding thingie.

    Lovelyn recently posted Mow the Lawn.

  19. 20
    Jesse Markham

    No love (or patience) at the welder’s. :-(

  20. My DAD IS A RETIRED WELDER!! He would totally fix your cock if I asked him.

    Cindy recently posted Powerless.

  21. Just make sure Victor wears a welding hood, no good having a broken cock and a blind husband.

  22. I believe when I sent my $2, I specifically requested an audio recording of the conversation at the welder.
    As penance think you should walk into someone’s office with a hidden camera and ask them to fix your broken cock.

    Kari recently posted Kids: Nature’s Petri dishes OR The solution to the unemployment problem?.

  23. So “Beyonce has made the move” is a phrase with certain caveats? Personally, I wouldn’t have considered that I’d “made a move” if I’d lost a limb on the way. Rather, I would flag that as a dissatisfying move.

    Andreas Heinakroon recently posted Fimbulwinter.

  24. Yey! It warms the cockles of my heart that you’re giving it to animals. <3

    (Get it? Cockles? Of course you did.)

  25. Wow, it’s amazing how nice that scary ass cobra looks now. That Marie Antoinette is a problem fixer, yes siree.

    Kara recently posted Michael Nesmith is the Awesome.

  26. While he is at it, Victor should give your cock a third leg. just sayin’…

    Amanda @ Guide For Moms recently posted King Hawaiian: How Do You Say Thank You? Win $100! #ProjectMahalo.

  27. If you like it then you should put the leg back on it.

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted Super Friends Season 2, Episode 11 – “Attack of the Killer Bees”.

  28. Whenever I hear that damn Macklemore “Thrift Shop” song I think of Beyonce.

    Rachael recently posted Ravello.

  29. I’m glad he’s welcome Beyonces cock vs. his own.

  30. I love when you share your newest treasures and then, later, get to see how/where you arrange them in your house. Only you could pull off Marie Antoinette.

  31. All I keep thinking is that Beyonce must be say he can’t get up what looks like a wicked spiral staircase.

  32. Some people just have no sense of adventure. Or humor.

    Julie recently posted The next time you're tempted to feel sorry for yourself . . ..

  33. I just don’t get America’s misguided use of the word cock. It took me years to get over saying it, but I guess they fling it around casually in the UK because roosters are called cocks. Silly America. I heart it. Also, I didn’t mean that sentence to sound so dirty. Fling it around. Geez.

    Allison recently posted Reasons Why You, You and Yes, You Should Enter The 2013 Weta Nichols Writing Contest.

  34. Playing dumb usually works for me. That and answering questions with more questions. People eventually just give up and leave me alone.

    Dolores recently posted Not a real post, just an update.

  35. As I recall, a certain actor person does a bit of welding.

  36. Doesn’t this mean that Beyonce’s name has to be changed to Eileen?


    (did this just post twice? So sorry….)

  37. Also, can I just say I’m disappointed by the amount of people who seem upset over your choice of words. Hell, it’s your cock, why shouldn’t you call it what it is?

    Allison recently posted Reasons Why You, You and Yes, You Should Enter The 2013 Weta Nichols Writing Contest.

  38. Beyonce would look fab with a wooden peg leg and eye patch. Stylin’ cock pirate!

    Robin recently posted HOLY SH!T I JUST ATE MY OWN EYEBALL.

  39. But it is a nice cock. Shame it’s broken. Hope it gets fixed nice and straight–it’s always strange when a cock is wonky.

  40. 41
    The Original Lisa

    Look at all those stairs you are going to fall down. Also, let me know if you find a $100 (or so, give or take….it might have been $5 or $400) when you are packing. I think I left it there last time.

  41. Just so you know, the CEO of the ASPCA makes over $500,000 a year. Your cock’s donations would do a lot more at your local shelter.

  42. I imagine the person at the welding place will have the best answer EVER when s/he goes home and is asked about how today went.


    Jess recently posted It was a Shark-Sarlacc...Sharklacc!.

  43. Is it just me or is there a lot more green surrounding the new place as opposed to the old place?

  44. I SO thought this said “cook.” So glad it was really cock.

    Mary recently posted Santa Carolina Carmenere.

  45. Wow… Just wow…. ROTFL!

    Kerry :) recently posted Themesong Thursday- Berlin – Beautiful!.

  46. My Ex once walked into the hardware store and asked for a good stiff caulk. Got a laugh out of that.

  47. Can’t you just stick a weasel under that leg and call it good?

  48. Nobody has a sense of humor anymore. what’s up with that? Or, they have dirty minds which is why they hung up on you. Shame on them.

    Kimberly J recently posted Ring Shopping.

  49. Are you too young to remember Flashdance? That girl was not only gorgeous and talented, she was a welder. Why didn’t you call her?

    Laurie F. recently posted Plinky Prompt: If you could visit any city in the world, which city would you pick?.

  50. Marie Antoinette is AWESOME! As a side project you should be an art buyer-collector for the world’s villians–this stuff screams that it belongs in a lair.

    Good luck to Beyonce. Pimping and moving to a new house ain’t easy. Speedy recovery.

    Jean recently posted Selling Your Soul On Ebay.

  51. Make sure Victor doesn’t dismantle Bey with that welding gun! Better keep an eye on him. ;o)

  52. Hobby Lobby has glass cocks but you get weird looks from them for calling them that LOL esp when you say it loudly around other costumers. “Look at all the glass cocks, they’re so big and colorful!”

  53. Somewhere in Central Texas, there has to be another one-legged cock that is just waiting to be set up on a date with Beyonce…

    Hip-Baby Mama recently posted Top Ten Signs You Didn't Get Any Sleep Last Night.

  54. Don’t let Victor near a weld flame thingy – you’ll have to move again!

    Julie You Jest recently posted O is for Oh my god, it’s going to suck out my bones!.

  55. If Beyonce is a giant metal cock, perhaps you should have named him Steely Dan. (Where my book nerds at?!)

  56. If you hang some nuts from your cock, you’ll attract plenty of tits.

    Obviously, I’m talking about a birdfeeder and some birds. What were you thinking?

    thedavidcmurphy recently posted Some Hamsters Being Hilarious..

  57. LOL!! Love your post. Choked on my lunch laughing.

  58. Could the author of this piece incidentally be “the maid of Orleans?” The prose and writing style seem eerily similar…

  59. Poor Victor…. *snicker*

    Alexia561 recently posted Review: The Eternity Cure.

  60. Giving B a wooden leg may just make the whole situation more fantastic.

  61. please tell victor that in some cultures reattaching a piece of someone’s cock is tantamount to a proposal. (but only if you weren’t the person who caused said cock piece to detach in the first place.)

  62. 64
    Kathy P in Pittsburgh

    Perhaps you should refer to Beyonce as a giant metal lawn rooster when making these phone calls.
    Just, you know…to avoid any images of Terminator on a sex spree.

  63. “Just make sure Victor wears a welding hood, no good having a broken cock and a blind husband.”

    that’s what too much masturbation gets you.

  64. If we weren’t straight and married, I would totally want you to be my girlfriend. You complete me sometimes.

  65. So funny! Just thinking of the quote sheets written up for this type of work is hilarious.

    Also, giant metal roosters without a leg to stand on should probably avoid hanging out at the top of stone steps. Just sayin. That’s a way to lose other good cock parts.

    Sarah recently posted A Murder of Doctors, or Why My Sister is the Coolest Dork I Know.

  66. You might even say that Beyonce busted a move…

    RuthWells recently posted Math.

  67. I’m happy Beyonce was the only family member to suffer damage on the move, and even happier he/she (I never know what to say) is repairable. ! It would seem to me you could get the moving company to pay for the welding, but then, maybe filling out their insurance forms might be as tricky as calling for a welder. :)

    carmen webster buxton recently posted The Sixth Discipline is on a roll!.

  68. You could take the chance to upgrade Beyonce. Either a prosthetic human leg or a Terminator leg would make a great fashion statement.

  69. But…YOUR COCK IS BROKEN!!! They should be taking that very seriously!

    Melissa B recently posted The Marathon.

  70. broken cocks suck. hehe. hi, i’m nine, and i giggle every time cock and suck are in the same sentence.

  71. as usual the comment section does not disappoint….lol

  72. Don’t think of Beyonce as missing a leg, think of it as him harnessing his inner flamingo.

  73. Perhaps stating you need your giant chicken’s severed leg reattached will result in fewer hang ups. Then again, maybe not.

  74. Victor has a myriad of skills.

    I can’t believe neither of the welding places bothered to listen long enough to get the whole story.

    Sue recently posted I need to remember to close the screen door.

  75. Well, a lot of cocks lean a little, don’t they?

    Alison recently posted Owls, Otters, and Other Animals Outside my Window.

  76. I love you. But I have to wonder what your neighbors think. Maybe you should give them a copy of your book.

  77. I just want to thank you. No matter how cloudy my head is, you never fail to elicit a laugh from me. And smiles the rest of the day when i remember. Thank you.

  78. Keep posting the photos of the unpacking. It’s exciting!

    Kathleen recently posted Poem with a Hammer In It.

  79. 82
    Kevin MacNutt

    Well, perhaps the welders should have heard you out and realized it was not a prank phone call. Back when I sold parts for vintage Mustangs I had a customer call and ask for a “hood penis”. While I had never heard it called that before, I knew what he was talking about. It is the post that locks into a plate on the car that keeps the hood from flying open in the event that it comes unlatched. In the customers defense it is a collared post with a pointed end, so I can see why he would identify it the way he did, although I usually call it by the more logical “hood locking post”. Given the actual size of the hood locking post, I kinda felt sorry for the customer and fully understood his reasoning behind owning a muscle car.

  80. 83
    Ruth Anne Flear

    Ok sitting on a bus trying not to laugh out loud but failing miserably. Failing mostly when stifling a laugh I tend to snort. Lmao. Now I am crying as everyone is staring at me. Thanks for making me laugh.

  81. Jesus I just busted out laughing in the office. Great minds think alike!

    TBag recently posted It's flooding outside and the trains are at a halt, so I'm doing a LINK UP!!.

  82. “Why Beyoncé?” Just curious on the name choice. I thought I was the only one who actually named certain…décor around my house!!” Our plants have names too! Of course once you name them – there becomes a sense of attachment. Then if they die – I’m devastated. I know I’m pathetic…

    Lynne Houston.

    Lynne H. recently posted Delivery Girl Dies At NY Funeral Home (ok, I exaggerated).

  83. Love this!

    Reminds me of my sister, back in our Catholic high school, when she announced to a theater full of parents, teachers, and nuns — “The talent show will now have a short intermission. Please help yourself to cocks and cookies in the lobby.”


    “I mean cokes! COKES and cookies in the lobby!”

    She never lived that down!

    Darcy Perdu recently posted Colonel Mustard with the Drapery Cord in the Living Room!.

  84. I may be late to the game on this, but has anyone mentioned to you that Nathan Fillion is a welder? Seriously. He wanted to learn how in case of a zombie apocalypse and to help him build Halloween costumes. I told the whole story on Conan last year. I’m pretty sure you sending him a request for him to weld your cock would move you up to the full restraining order status with him, but I’d say it is totally worth the risk.
    Look, proof!

    Rixie recently posted Rookie Mistake.

  85. Beyonce is pretending to be a flamingo.

  86. Of all the cocks on the Internet, yours is my favorite.

    Dana the Biped recently posted The Real Deal on "Real Beauty".... And Where to Actually Find It.

  87. I pity all the people looking for porn, by Googling metal cock, and instead get Beyonce, not the other Beyonce either.

  88. Oh the horror! The typo of extreme embarrassment! I hide my head in shame. HE told the story on Conan. HE did. Not I. Not me. Not… Oh take it back internet. Take it back!!!

    Rixie recently posted Rookie Mistake.

  89. You crack me up!

    I can’t even….

    Let me just say you crack me up.

    Lovebabz recently posted Last Few Days I was Feeling Very Jabba-The-Hut.....

  90. I still love that Beyonce is a girl’s name for a boy chicken. Reminds me of the weird vines some guy Jordan Burt is making: he has an….awkward…relationship with a female mannequin named Dennis.

    Andi recently posted Anne Lamott and me: honoring our moms.

  91. “Marie Antoinette and the Cobra” is a work of art; it is crying out for a short story of its possible history.

  92. Also, I wish your blog had a Like button for all your fan comments. Some of them are priceless. I’m still laughing at someone’s remark at their right to “bear arms.” This is old news, isn’t it. Ahem.

    Andi recently posted Anne Lamott and me: honoring our moms.

  93. I just recently acquired a giant cock of my own and am now the envy of all the ladies in my small town. I’m running a “name that cock” contest and the winner gets a bottle of my homemade booze. Based on the entries, there are some very strange women where I live.

  94. You almost wonder if that plumber left and wondered just what he saw. Or if he smoked too much beforehand. Also, tradesmen I know have dirty minds. Why wouldn’t they want to fix your giant cock? The welders I know would be more than happy to fix him for you but might weld him a new bit because they would be laughing so hard doing it.

    Brandee recently posted Love is love.

  95. 98
    Minnesota Red

    I have a bust of David wearing a Batman mask in my office. I totally grasp your situation and share your joy.

  96. Okay. Am I the only one who wants to know more about Marie Antoinette sculpture?!!

  97. You are my favorite blog to read. No matter how anxious I’m feeling, I can always count on you for a laugh. Thank you.

    danielle recently posted Pictures Please.

  98. 101

    In an ironic twist of fate, I had to call Lowes yesterday to see if they had any black caulk ………

  99. 102
    Jo Supernaw

    I just shared your Juanita Weasel with my coworker and she literally cried from laughing so hard. Thanks for writing these story so I could make that happen :)

  100. Can you get Victor to attach it an an angle so it looks like your cock is peeing?

    Kathy in KS recently posted Monday morning.

  101. 104

    I may be focusing on the wrong thing here, but how many egg rolls is TOO MANY? I need to know. For a friend.

  102. Goddammit, I love you so much!

  103. The welder conversations could have been much worse. Imagine: “Beyonce lost a leg, and I want you to weld a new one on, since she’s just leaning on the steps now. Oh, and don’t worry — we removed the wasp’s nest from her stomach.”

    (Does Jay-Z know???)

  104. Wait a minute. This is actually VICTOR’S cock, if I recall. You gave it to him as a gift, right? So it is your HUSBAND’S cock that needs repair, not yours. And of course, if he can fix it, he should do it. Some things are better kept private (between you, Victor, and us), and Beyonce may be one of them.

    Please keep us posted. This is an issue with history. We need to know how it comes out.

  105. 108
    John Kirkpatrick

    Have you moved to the other side of town, more central Texas, or deeper into the hearta Texas?

  106. Be thankful someone is there to fix your cock.

  107. My BFs best friend works for a welding shop. I’m going to have to ask him what his reply would have been.

    Patti B recently posted Introducing my newest time suck.

  108. Beyonce stories are the best! I just spit out my drink reading this, lol.

  109. 112
    Amy in StL

    Have you looked into JB weld? That stuff is seriously awesome for metal repair. Like metal in a tube, well actually two tubes.

  110. Cock repair is an important, and too often overlooked, part of personal health and well-being.

    Melissa recently posted Finding shapes in the clouds.

  111. Broken cocks are a huge problem. So I’m glad you have this worked out. In other news, I have guest room and always need more crazy in my house, so come on over! You’ll be in great company! :)


    Sarah recently posted Ten Things Thursday! (I can't help it I'm nuts. It happens.).

  112. Okay, so of all the things you post the thing that surprises me the most is Beyonce is a male. Seems dumb now, seeing as though it is a cock, but seriously I thought it was a her.

    Raine recently posted I Stole It.

  113. You’re so awesome for donating to your local no kill shelter and the ASPCA. I mean, in addition to all the other reasons you’re awesome. Srsly.

    Jen recently posted Doberman Assistance Network: Fundraising and new cases (warning, pictures are pretty sad).

  114. Why is it when you tell people you broke your cock they go to that naughty place? Bad people! lol.

    Jenn recently posted Baltimore Inner Harbor – The People.

  115. Where does a one legged waitress work? IHOP

    What’s her name? Eileen

    But what if she is oriental? Irene

    I know – so bad………..

  116. I can’t believe those places would hang up instead of welding your cock. Especially in this economy. Most people need all the work they can get… cock welding or not.

    Keaven recently posted Tunisian Crochet Afghans.

  117. LOL! too funny! but really, i don’t understand why people don’t want to fix a broken cock. there’s no fun in a broken cock. it’s only good when upright…

    Volante recently posted Wednesday’s Wanderings...

  118. It’s wrong that my first thought was “Let them eat snake.” Right?

  119. I bet Beyonce let his leg get broken on purpose just so that you would have to make phone calls that sound vaguely obscene. He’s such a trickster that way.

    Karen Peterson recently posted Make it Stop.

  120. Please record Victor going in to ask for a welding thingie to fix his broken cock! Pretty please? oh, and in the interest of safety, he should probably ask for a demonstration …. And for protective eyewear, too. Wouldn’t want that thingie going off prematurely. You could put someone’s eye out.

  121. You make my day!

  122. OMG – thank you for making me laugh out loud. I tried to hold it in because I’m at work, but just couldn’t do it. I can totally picture you on the phone having this conversation. And, the baffled look on your face when you are hung up on :-)

    Malia recently posted Five Years.

  123. You should totally publish a Beyonce picture and story coffee table book.

  124. Gotta love a man who’ll take a cock in his own hands and weld it.

    erikankie recently posted Advertising for Life..

  125. I’m so glad someone mentioned JB weld. I need it to fix my pussy. Yeah, he’s metal too and lost his tail in a tragic accident involving a vaccuum cleaner.

  126. I have a giant cockroach named Vern on my desk at work.

  127. Beyonce never fails to make me happy. I’d come introduce myself as your new neighbor if I lived next door to you because I’d have to be friends with someone who has a giant metal cock outside.

    Marie Antoinette and Rikki-Tikki-Tavi are also made of awesome and win.

  128. I’m skying with my 80 year old Dad tonight. I cannot wait to share some of this oh-so-bustin’-a-gut funny stuff. Seriously got me outta the funk I was in. Many thanks!

  129. oops…spellcheck outted: skyping…not skying :) sigh…

  130. If you want your cock welded right, you have to do it yourself.

    Geoffrey @realgtaylor recently posted Netflix / Nature.

  131. I can just imagine being the receptionist picking up the phone.
    “Your… cock? You want hot fire next to your cock?”

    CrissyM recently posted Around the Web.

  132. Jenny, seriously, I absolutely love you and I mean that in the best way possible.

  133. I hope you kept his leg, otherwise, I am kinda worried about what you would weld on in place on one. Although it would probably be too meta to weld a giant metal penis on instead of a leg.

    Holly Folly recently posted A Drunken Conversation with my Super Best Friend..

  134. It probably wouldn’t be of much use to Beyonce, but I did see 12″ black ballcocks at Home Depot recently.

    Michelle Weisenberg recently posted Intro to Italy.

  135. Someday you’re going to make one of those phone calls, and the person on the other end is going to ask, “is your name Jenny Lawson?” I can’t wait to read that blog entry.

    Connie recently posted Secret Knitting.

  136. People that come to my home to work on things I have found are more comfortable if I take the large photograph of my great grandfather in med chool down. When I forget, I find there are two reactions…. love or hate. There is no “well that’s an OK photograph of an autopsy.”
    My friends of course all LOVE it.

  137. 140
    Geek Goddess

    I use Gorilla Glue for everything.

    Geek Goddess recently posted The Slightly Less Traveled Bahamas.

  138. I can only imagine the looks on the faces of the folks on the receiving end of those “cock repair” calls! LMAO

    Courtney recently posted The Lost Dogs: Michael Vick’s Dogs and Their Tale of Rescue and Redemption.

  139. Why do I not own a welding business in Texas?! Oddly enough this is not the first time I’ve asked myself this.

    Sara recently posted Brave Girls Apply Within.

  140. Jenny,

    We are hoping you are far enough away from West that you are intact.

    Physically, we mean.

    Because the other?

    I mean, c’mon.

    We read your book.

    So, you and your family all safe?

    HogsAteMySister recently posted David Attenborough’s Remarkable Discovery About Unknown Natural Enemies in New Zealand.

  141. Sometimes, there really aren’t adequate words.

    Karen Sanders recently posted The Disappearing Parent.

  142. I can’t believe you still have Beyonce!

    Natasha @ Serenity You

    Natasha recently posted Pinterest Power Party + Features {Co-Hosting}.

  143. Well, it’s probably better that your husband is handling your cock instead of a stranger… that can get weird. Also, you have a lot of stairs…

  144. One day, oh great Bloggess, I hope to be able to confuse people as well as you do. I am still but a novice, but I think I do pretty well most of the time! I worship at your altar of non-sequiteur.

    Laura Morrigan recently posted Teacups, Lapis Lazuli and Emilie Autumn- Recent Outfits.

  145. Hey, Jenny…my dog, Pearl, is missing a leg (actually, it’s her right ARM). Would you ask Victor to stop by & weld a new one on, for her?! Thanks, gyrlfriend…you guyz are awesome! ~?~

  146. Victor is great to get you off the phone and offer to fix beyonce himself.

    Rea recently posted Shit..this is my damned life!.

  147. Cock block.,

  148. It concerns me that people in your area don’t know how to handle giant cocks.

    Stacey recently posted Hiccups.

  149. It makes me happy to read your wacky posts. My sympathies on your broken cock. It’s never good to have a broken cock.

    Heather recently posted Rehtaeh Parsons – Do her alleged “rapists” deserve our open hearts and minds?.

  150. Those welders act like it is too weird to fix giant cocks, hmmm where do they come from??

    Mexmom recently posted Confidence is what every woman needs.

  151. Yeah, I get that reaction whenever I ask people to weld my huge metal cock

    Adjunct Proff recently posted More Marathon Madness.

  152. You could come to Fort Collins, CO for a book promo – there’s a place just up the road toward Estes Park that has a bunch of giant metal cocks.

  153. But I am still wondering how the move went because last I heard, Beyonce had a few built-in bees to ward off burglars. I bet the movers loved that shit.

  154. Plumbers and welders…SO judgmental.

    Jason aka The Queer Next Door recently posted Grim Reaper…Stop. You've Already Met Your Quota.

  155. it kinda looks like you’ve moved into an upscale joint? no? oh yeah, that’s right you live in Texas – like me, it’s either hot or it’s silly or it’s just Texas and the file for that is: deal with it. I am wondering if you have neighbors that are there but not present or neighbors that are present but not there. My neighbors are better than a c- movie, free, entertaining and almost always gone. Hope the weather is good for your weekend. thanks for posting/journaling/keeping me informed. . .

  156. You should really record some of these conversations for posterity so that the rest of us can live vicariously through the embarrassed and stunned pauses they create.

    Southern Girl recently posted What do tornado warnings and insomnia have in common?.

  157. Horrah for Beyonce’s triumphant (albeit wobbly) conquer of the back porch. Good luck to Victor with the welding. I hope you take pictures. It sounds like a good post in the making.

    Kp recently posted Service 2/3.

  158. Blog reading is so educational. I had no idea it was even possible to eat too many egg rolls.

    suburbancorrespondent recently posted Seminars For Parents Of Teens.

  159. I HATE IT when my giant cock is broken…good luck getting it back up……

    leanne tankel recently posted Only Connect!.

  160. 163

    I work at a technical school, and I have an entire welding shop at my disposal. Well, not really, since I’m not the instructor for that class, But I could pull some strings for you.

  161. First the jizz post, now the cock. What next?
    But while we are on the subject, my work had a potluck today and it was a multi-cultural theme. Wouldn’t ya know, the British manager brought spotted dick and pudding. Most of us had never heard of it and none if us had tasted it before. Obviously, we asked a lot of questions. Not only did we learn about eating dick, but we learned that no matter how innocent and professional you try to be, everything sounds dirty when you are talking about spotted dick.

  162. That sculpture is amazing. Dealing with weird looks from the occasional stranger in your home is totally worth having that!!

  163. ‘Ostrich’

    Cathy recently posted 365 Poems: Please come to Boston.

  164. Beyonce is no longer a giant cock, he is now a flamingo with a cowlick.

    Hj recently posted The Oaxaca Post.

  165. ASPCA CAN actually earmark the donation for cock rescue:) The organization I work for assisted in game cock seizures with national orgs like the ASPCA… That’s right. Game.Cock.Seizures. You’re welcome.

  166. Did you buy a church or something?? The steps in the background of that pic are CRAZY wide. I ask because I’m pretty sure if you did buy a church, the welding wouldn’t be what set the house aflame. Exactly the same reason I forgo Christmas Eve church festivities.

  167. So awesome that you donated!

    Punky Coletta recently posted You Didn’t Know You Wanted to do This Before You Die.

  168. Don’t the welders recognize the urgency of a broken cock situation? Seriously. Customer service these days. Thank you for your awesomeness.

    Heather recently posted Dallas Zoo Excursion.

  169. 172
    kathi wright

    oh my gosh….marie antoinette stroking the snake….too funny!

  170. You might want to hold onto that money until after Victor does the welding. WHO KNOWS what else might get broken/wounded/go up in a firey ball of death during that process?

    Brenna recently posted The party scene.

  171. I just recently saw this: and thought, surely I’ve seen this on the Bloggess’ blog at some point? But maybe not? If not, you definitely need a mane for your kitty. :)

  172. 175
    Annony Mouse

    This post made me laugh so hard the tears ran down my leg! (And gave me an asthma attack – seriously. You are so funny you nearly killed me! I haven’t needed an inhaler since high school – good thing my daughter has one!)

  173. This is why I keep coming back to this blog. Even though I am old enough to be your mother, I still laugh out loud at you and your crazy way of looking at life. It’s fabulous! Thank you for the chuckles, giggles and guffaws!

  174. I really wanted to see Marie Antoinette’s picture! :D Awesome….and your minions are soooo cool!! Good luck with the welding to Victor…:)

    Miss Gee recently posted Why God, Why?.

  175. OMG… I soo needed to read this… Thankin’ ya! ROTFLMAO

    Cindy recently posted Begging for attention!.

  176. NO ONE is happy when your cock falls apart. Even missing one part ruins the look of the entire piece.

    If I had a dime for every time I’ve had to get a cock repaired because of a broken leg….

    Lisa Newlin recently posted One girl’s response to an email from her sorority sister.

  177. Love the Marie Antoinette and snake!! My husband saw it and said the piece needed to be called “Let them eat snake.” You are awesome!

  178. Did you tell them that your cock’s name was Beyonce? Because if you did and they still hung up, then they are just being assholes.

    Shawn Walter recently posted Some days, it's not a good thing.

  179. My daughter and I were both upset when Beyonce lost his leg, she came in to specifically tell me and I said to her at the same time “did you see Beyonce lost a leg!?”.

    I am sure that my partner thinks we are both cracked because when ever anything unexpected happens and we want to express our surprise both of us go “cluck cluck motherfucker” in honour of Victor.

    whom we are certain is the most patient understanding man on the planet.

    boodie recently posted 10 things that made me cry today.

  180. When I worked in an office supply store I had a very nice mortified man in whose boss had sent him. He was so embarrassed because he didn’t know the real name for what his boss wanted and he couldn’t find them wandering the store. It was “paper assholes” and he had to ask me! I knew just what he meant :-)

  181. I hope your cock is standing straight again real soon, that your home does not go up in flames, & I love that you donated the money to the ASPCA.

  182. 186
    Telzey Amberdon

    Ooh, Beyonce is making believe he’s a stork!

    I helped a friend with similar collecting proclivities to your own move and it was a hoot. The movers were particularly adorable. I heard one tell another, “I think we’re moving The Addams Family.” (he was not wrong) Another screamed horribly so that we all came running (except me, I continued backing up the 5,000th glass dragon), and I heard him say, “It’s okay, it wasn’t real.” He had put his hand in a vase and come out with a rubber cobra.

  183. Why do you move so much? Is it because you’re slowly sharing your awesomness one neighbourhood at a time?

    Marvelous Meghan recently posted Photo.

  184. I may not be a regular reader, but every time I do pop by your blog just cracks me up. Totally made my day.


    Serena H recently posted Shimelle Laine is re-running the scrapbook remix class!.

  185. this is not spam.. I read your book and loved it! This picture’s description reminded me of you. You now have a name for your awkwardness

  186. 190
    Lady Penelope

    Well aint Victor a keeper; agreeing to fix his wife’s giant metal cock.
    Not too many can claim their husbands would do the same…

  187. I really needed that laugh.

    Kattie recently posted I can't say it.

  188. 192
    lucky maria

    Marie Antoinette and Riki Tiki Tavi – that crime fighting duo. LET THEM EAT SNAKE ! [couldn’t resist]. But seriously, do you even shop in the same country I live in? WTF? [and that’s actually WHERE the fuck, do you find this stuff?]

  189. Beyonce is a BOY?

  190. How on earth did you get the hornets out of your giant cock?

  191. You really do make me laugh when it is most needed. Thanks Jenny!

  192. 196

    I. Love. You.

  193. Life is one big fucked-up frat party to you, isn’t it, Jenny?
    Good for you!

    The Hook recently posted A Journey Across The Wonderland That Is My Life..

  194. Beyonce!! Did you see that I found a giant metal chicken just like that? But by giant, I mean he’s like 10 feet tall… and I named him Jay-Z… but now I can’t buy him and I’m sad. :(

    Emelie recently posted JENNY LAWSON, WE FOUND BEYONCE’S BROTHER!!!.

  195. I think Beyonce should have a wooden leg. Than she would need an eye patch.

    You have no idea how important you are to my day.

  196. Holy crap you crack me up!

  197. Lol!!!

    On another note, ever heard of Polly Morgan?? Just watched a BBC documentary about her and her art, and thought of you immediately; if you get the chance, see it, it’s right up your street! Or go to her website, – the front page is a warning voor people of a nervous disposition!!

  198. Wow the leg broke off, what a cheap cock! I hate cheap cocks.

  199. I also read this as you calling a “wedding place” and thought you were the one my husband told me about that cut off her husbands penis!

  200. Perhaps mentioning how much your husband hates your broken cock would help? No? Nevermind, then.

    Rabia @ TheLiebers recently posted 5 Things that Made Me Happy This Week.

  201. You are the best – I can not imagine a day when I can’t visit your blog :)
    I just wish you were my neighbor!
    Keep on chugging along & smiling, you make so many people smile every day.

  202. That is seriously the most utterly awesome rendering of Marie Antoinette and her epic, and tumultuous, love-hate relationship with Rikki-Tikki-Tavi. (Or something epic, and tumultuous, maybe shocking and perhaps a bit disturbing.)
    Awesome. Simply awesome. And epic.

  203. those cocks can be so much trouble.

  204. –>Poor Beyonce, can’t even Cock a leg without falling down.


    WebSavvyMom recently posted Let's Play Ball!.

  205. Where is the winged boar?

  206. Awww, Beyonce is now a Special Needs Cock. I hope you’re not making these calls to “fix” him within
    Earshot. He needs to know he’s loved and accepted just the way he is

  207. Believe me. A brocken cock is not good!
    Thanks for making me laugh.

  208. Wait, what happened to his flying pig that made him incocknito?

  209. You have a big cock. A big, metal cock.

    Thanks, that was fun typing that.

  210. Reading this at my office when I should be doing something else, and dying laughing, and I can’t read it aloud or share it, because it is the office.

    By the way, we actually HAVE a chupacabra, which I wanted to tell you since reading your book reminded me of that term. People here don’t know what a chupa is. Which is totally sad. But I have one. He camos himself as a border collie mix and stalks down potted plants for ruthless destruction, as goats really aren’t available in the city where we live.

    And it is tragic that Beyonce lost a limb… maybe a chupacabra did it.

  211. Why does the strangest shit go missing with moves. I now have a flick board without the little round flick thingies. Furniture loses bits. My mind also loses more sane bits.

    Vivian recently posted Some hot tea Dahling while you hang on and hang on and hang on?.

  212. I bet Rikki Tikki could totally take Miss B in a fight.
    PS-You are super funny.

    Lori recently posted Soap gets in your eyes..

  213. Girl, I’m moving tomorrow. I DON’T EVEN KNOW. I feel your pain.

  214. O no! Just u just move to suburbia? U r so screwed. Suburbia is full of crazy people
    Who care about things like social connections, doily parties, and what Church you attend and not for the right reasons. I’m praying for you, sister. I went crazy in suburbia.

  215. I wish you lived next door to me! My brother can weld, he would fix Beyonce!

    I’ve been thinking of doing a bloggess inspired lunch, and I FINALLY did it.. Beyonce!!!

    Lisa-Marie recently posted Beyonce For Lunch.

  216. 222
    John Kirkpatrick

    I’ll bet if Kirsten Dunst was holding a snake with Rikki-Tikki-Tavi in her lap, that plumber wouldn’t have made a peep.

  217. Laughing my ass off.

    batpoopcrazy recently posted Reflections.

  218. Thank you for requesting the donation in ‘cocks’ name. I completely needed such a donation and expert advice a few years back. I was raising real, live chickens–and they acquired some horrific disease. I called every shelter ,vet, and animal society within 100 miles. Most of them laughed at me and it was frustrating-to say the least! My (now ex) husband and I had to take a machete to my entire flock out of–dear gods, I can’t watch them suffer anymore. I’d buried so many pets in my yard that we were out of room. We had to give them a half-assed Viking funeral in our burning barrel. It smelled like fried chicken.
    In any case, where can I get a Marie Antoinette? And if you can solder, you can weld.

  219. So the welding place ended up being a “cock blocker”, ending with you hubby fixing your cock.

    The Cheeky Daddy

    Jason recently posted Finding The Energy For Parents.

  220. 226

    Thank you from Boston, we really needed a laugh here today.

  221. Oh. I had thought that Beyonce was somehow a female.
    But poor Beyonce, either way.

  222. Poor Beyonce; there’s nothing worse when a loved one is hurt. BTW, ASPCA is the shelter in New York City; they have nothing to do with your local SPCA or other shelter of choice. All SPCA’s are autonomous.

  223. I wanted to post pictures of my pugs, but I guess I can’t as a comment? Darn…will you post a picture of your pug…please…I love pugs as much as cocks (only differently:)

    leanne tankel recently posted Only Connect!.

  224. not to be mean or anything, but Beyonce so deserves to have a metal cock named after her

  225. You and Maru both just moved.

  226. Okay, first this was hysterical and then Lucky Maria cracked me up in the comments.

  227. My husband welds. Beware of hair fires. And shirt fires.

  228. And now I cannot get the Riki Tiki Tavi song ( out of my head. If only there was some way that he and Marie Antoinette could start singing that song whenever someone walked into the room — now that would give the plumber something to be weirded out about.

    Riki Tiki Tavi mongoose is gone…

    PinotNinja recently posted Amy Poehler Saves the Day Yet Again..

  229. I am finally getting to read your book!!! I couldn’t afford to buy it (sorry), so I had to wait on the library waiting list. I love it so far!!! I love the whole thing, but the conversations with Victor will always be my favorite. :-)

  230. Your giant cock is beautiful!

    A Cook Not Mad recently posted 5 Unlikely US Cities For Food Lovers.

  231. Antoinette is so BEAUTIFUL and looks quite playful with Rikki, although I do worry that the snake might bite her delicate wrist. And you are so AWESOME!!

  232. This made me laugh out loud – thank you for making my Sunday :-)

  233. Duct tape works well on cocks.

    Do not ask how I know this.

    HogsAteMySister recently posted Comic Relief — Yank Drivers Down Under.

  234. What if you’re judging the plumber before he has a chance to like, congratulate you on your epic stuff in a totally heartfelt way?

    Klementine recently posted Everyday Sexism: The Effects of Following It on Twitter.

  235. Well, for realz, I called the Honeybaked store at Thanksgiving and asked the lady how “how are your hams holding out?”. Not really naughty, but I didn’t really hear that it sounded like a lame 7th grade joke until I said it. Anyhew, she said they were real, and they were spectacular. so, that’s nice.

    Todd recently posted Alternate Universe Todd Goes to San Diego.

  236. I used to work at the ASPCA Poison Control Center/HomeAgain hotline. Glad they helped you out!

  237. I think you should get B a wooden leg and eye patch. A metal pirate chicken would be pretty badass. And it could double as a security system. I don’t think and burglars would mess with a house with a pirate chicken on watch.

    Samantha recently posted Gak and Placentas.

  238. hah “metal cock”

    I was at work trying to contain laughter. My c-workers and I decided we can’t read your blog while our boss is around. :)

  239. You make me smile EVERY SINGLE POST. I was having a not-so-great evening and this turned it around… thank you. If you’re ever on South Congress in Austin, please let me treat you to “Mrs. P’s Electric Cock” – I live around the corner from Mrs. P’s and think of Beyonce every time I pass:

  240. I think saying “Beyonce the Iron Cock” would have made them believe you.

  241. I just realized that Beyonce looks vaguely familiar. It appears his (her?) mini me is in my living room. No. Really.

  242. Oh God – Will you please hire one of those generic Molly Maids cleaning services sometime so I can read about how you had to instruct them to dust around Marie Antoinette and Rikki-Tikki-Tavi and only use vinegar and water when cleaning Beyonce’s cock because it is very sensitive? You owe that to us all.

    Jamie recently posted Common sense parenting: there’s a book for that, but you won’t find it here..

  243. So many big cock jokes, so little time. Another great post!!!

    Luci McQuitty Hindmarsh - recently posted Always wear sunscreen.

  244. Jenny! You read my comment and posted a picture of Marie Antoinette holding a magnificent piece of taxidermy, just like I asked! I can only assume that A) You posted it b/c you inexplicably love me as much as I love you (in a mostly non-stalkerish way); or B) You missed my comment but still felt the need to post the picture b/c you and I have some kind of crazy psychic connection. Either way, you’re my hero, and I’m saving this picture and making it my new wallpaper. Which will result in a fantastically elaborate explanation when my husband sees it (I imagine similar to the conversation we had when I proudly showed him the taxidermied pegasus picture as though it were my own brilliant creation) and might possibly end with him insisting I have a psych eval in the near future. But don’t worry– I know how to fool the doctors by now ;) No one is taking my crazy away! Also, in the interests of not terrifying you, please realize that the vast majority of my seemingly insane ramblings are meant in a purely facetious light. But I do wish you lived next door to me b/c we would TOTALLY be BFFs forever! And in a slightly related topic, I’ve been wanting to start my own blog for awhile and woud LOVE to get a few tips from the best blogger ever. My collection of insane stories grows weekly, and I feel I’m depriving the world of hilarity by not sharing my perpetual clumsiness and almost unbelievably shitty luck ;) Not to mention all my bizarre neuroses. Talking about it to casual aquaintances makes me seem weird and slightly scary, but somehow blogging turns it from a perceived threat into a glittery-rainbow-unicorn story that makes other people feel superior in their smug normalcy. That is my gift to the world. YOU’RE WELCOME.

  245. Okay, so I’m a little behind on my internet reading (I guess technically that makes me a tiny bit of an ass, but that’s another story) so I only just noticed this post and remembered something I wanted to tell you. So I’m at a drugstore in Raleigh, NC recently (it was either a Riteaid or a CVS) and they had a rather unique version of your Beyonce. They only had one. Basically envision Beyonce at about a foot and a half or so tall, only instead of a belly it had a small FAN. It was sooooo “cool,” only I thought $40 was a little steep for a metal chicken with a fan for a belly and I could never figure out a room in my house where the colors would look good so I decided not to get it and I’ve been regretting it ever since.

  246. I had a real chicken with one leg until a hawk got her.

  247. Good tidings to the patron saint of saving my daily sanity. I recently learned that we actually have a wonderful organization in my local area called “save the cocks”. Their website is

    Just saying – maybe Beyonce could be their mascot – or rock star – or whatever.

  248. Jenny i love your blog and love even more that you donate to the no kill shelter!

  249. 255
    Emsy Lawson

    I really like that this was the post on my birthday. (PS – I’m @VenusRockHobbit)

  250. 256
    Squirrel Man

    I think Beyoncé should sue his sculptor for negligence. But, come to think of it… I guess he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

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