And that’s the best way to respond to: “WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE?”

Conversation with Victor after the 40,000th time I failed to answer my phone:

Victor:  I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU.  WHY DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING ANSWER YOUR PHONE WHEN I CALL YOU?

me:  I didn’t hear it because I was too busy yelling at some idiot who claimed that you weren’t the most understanding and patient husband in the world.

Victor:  I…don’t even know what to say to that.

me:  You should probably just say “Thank you.”

 

The 40,001st time I failed to answer my phone:

Victor:  AAAAH.  IT’S A PHONE, JENNY.  JUST ANSWER IT.

me:  *mumble mumble*

Victor:  What?  What are you saying?

me: *mumble mumble*

Victor:  WHAT?

me: That was me practicing what it would sound like if I was gagged and bound and finally answered the phone with my nose to tell you which abandoned warehouse I was stuck in.  And you failed.

Victor:  WHAT?

me:  Because maybe that’s why I wasn’t answering my phone.  Maybe it was to make this drill seem more realistic.  I can’t just reach my phone immediately if I’m tied up.  IT TAKES FINESSE.

Victor:  You’re killing me here.

me:  It won’t always be a drill, Victor.  Get your shit together.

 

The 40,002nd time:

Victor:  YOU HAVEN’T ANSWERED YOUR PHONE IN HOURS.  I’VE BEEN WORRIED SICK THAT YOU’D BEEN MANGLED IN AN ACCIDENT.

me:  But I wasn’t.  I just turned the ringer off accidentally.  You must be very relieved.

Victor:  RELIEVED?  I’M PISSED.

me:  Well, that’s really the very opposite emotion to have when finding out that your wife is less-mangled-than-expected.  I think maybe you need to re-prioritize and call me back when you’re less confusing and ready to apologize.

 

The 40,003rd time:

Victor: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED?  WHAT IF I JUST NEVER ANSWERED YOUR CALLS?

me:  Hello.  I just found this phone.  I’m not Jenny.

Victor:  I FUCKING KNOW IT’S YOU.

me:  The girl who dropped this phone is inside a flaming building saving orphans. She told me to hold her phone for her in case you called.  How are you?

Victor:  Seriously, why can’t you just answer your phone?

me:  Why is the sky blue?  Why can’t they just make orphans fire-proof?  Frankly, we could ask these questions all day, but the main point is that your wife is a hero and you should probably bring her some egg rolls on your way home because I bet she’d like that.

 

The 40,004th time:

Victor:  AAAAARGH!

me:  You know, at this point it’s sort of your fault for expecting me to answer the phone at all.  It’s not like I haven’t set a precedent.

Victor:  JUST ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE.

me:  Technically if I answered right away the first time you called it would be totally out of character and would probably be a sign that I was being held hostage or something.  We should have code words so that if I ever need to talk to you in front of kidnappers you’ll understand me.

Victor:  I already don’t understand you.

me:  That’s why it’s good we’re having this conversation now.

 

The 40,005th time:

Victor:  I’m going to duct tape your phone to your ankle.

me:  That would make it very hard to talk to you.  I’m not really that flexible.

Victor:  But at least you’d answer the phone.

me:  Technically the doctor would probably answer the phone.

Victor:  What?

me:  Because I’m allergic to the latex in tape and I’d probably have a massive reaction and then I’d have to go the hospital and then they’d call the police because normal husbands don’t stick poisonous tape to their wives like some sort of deadly ankle-monitor.  And then you’d have to explain that to the police.  Who would be talking to you from my ankle.  Which would just be weird for all of us.

 

The 40,006th time:

Victor:  WHAT IF I WAS DEAD?  WHAT IF THIS WAS THE POLICE CALLING TO TELL YOU I JUST DIED?

me:  Well, that would be very depressing.

Victor:  Yes, but you’d never know because you never answer your phone.

me:  You can’t begrudge me a few extra hours of blissful ignorance.  Why are you in such a hurry to make me grieve for you?  It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Victor.

 

The 40,007th time:

me:  OH MY GOD, DON’T YELL AT ME.  I DIDN’T EVEN HEAR IT RING BEFORE.

Victor:  Um…this is actually the first time I’ve called you today.  You actually picked up the phone the first time I called.

me:  Seriously?  That’s so weird.

Victor:  I know.  I’m so shocked that you answered that I don’t even remember why I called anymore.  My mind has gone utterly blank.

me:  Awesome.  I think we just switched bodies.

 

********

On an entirely personal note, this week has been sort of shitty, and if things keep going the way they have been I suspect that by Saturday kittens will go extinct and I’ll have my face eaten off by horses.  But just when I was feeling really sorry for myself I got a note from my editor telling me that my book (Let’s Pretend This Never Happened) has been on the NYT best-seller list for the last three months.  Which is insane.  And amazing.  And completely thanks to you and your fantastic support.  So I’m doing another give-away as a small way to say “thanks”.  Leave a comment (about anything) and I’ll randomly pick a few winners to get signed copies of my book.  Or, if you already have my book I’ll just give you the $15 and you can buy something by Neil Gaiman.  That guy’s amazing.

2,240 replies. read them below or add one

  1. 701
    Kate Mason

    I know what you need!

    My boyfriend got me one for my birthday. It worked beautifully until I lodged my bleeding ears with q-tips.

  2. My grandmother, when she got older, used to call us to find out why we weren’t answering our phone. We’d ask, “but, before that. The first time you called, when we didn’t answer. Why did you call then?’ and she’d say “because you weren’t answering your phone. I was worried.” And we’d just go around and around.

    Deborah recently posted Weekend Away.

  3. My Manx cat, Ashworth Merrydew von Funkenhausen (just call him Ash) had to have a large haematoma lanced on his right ear. He is wearing the cone of shame. I am considering artwork. Shall I send a picture of it?

  4. Wishing you well in your hard times.

  5. I pretty much only answer the phone if it’s my husband or my sister. You’ve taken it to a whole new level. I’m impressed?

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted I would make a perfect Super Friend..

  6. 706
    Marianne

    On a completely unrelated point …
    I think you should become the spoke’s woman for Depends. You make many of us pee our pants.

  7. Ha. My phone is normally in the drawer at home, and its the oldest “senior version” of a flip phone anyway. Now, why have you not found the story about the man KILLED by a beaver! You would so totally make that into something hilarious, and there I’d be, weasling off again. And you would feel better.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-22707094

  8. 708
    Rachel F

    You are fucking awesome…what else needs to be said…well except my body has been taken over by aliens, my dog hates beer, and I date a vampiric cougar..otherwise…like I said..you are awesome!

  9. I love the fact that when I’m having a shitty day I can go to your website and you can make me laugh my ass off. At work. So everyone looks at me and wonders what the hell I’m laughing at. Which makes me laugh even harder. THANK YOU, JENNY! <3

    Oh, and I'd love a copy of your book — pick me!!

  10. I think I’m you in this conversation. I really don’t like talking on the phone. If you want to reach me it’s best to email, text second, call last. In fact my Dad now knows to just text me a message, usually plz call, and know I’ll call eventually. :-)

  11. My brain is mush right now because I have a newborn and am getting no sleep. But if I won your book, I promise I’ll read it in 10 years when I get a little more sleep.

  12. These conversations are hilarious! I love the idea of police taking into the phone taped to my ankle. I’m going to find a way to make that happen.

    Meredith recently posted On Beauty.

  13. Thank you for pointers. I now have a better way to deal with my mom when she asks why i don’t answer my phone. Oh, and you rock. I hope things get better and that kittens don’t become extinct.

  14. I only have the Kindle version of your book – I *need* an autographed copy!!!!

  15. My phone manages to hang up instead of answering a good 95% of the time. At least I get to listen to “The Puppy Song” before it does so. The likelihood of my phone being an ass-hole goes up to 100% if I’m expecting an important call.

    Also, whenever I’m feeling down my friend cheers me up with a picture of a basket full of kittens, so kittens CANNOT go extinct.

  16. Hi! I love you, but I’m too broke to buy your book. I sure hope you pick me!

  17. Faith, trust and pixie dust… and a bunch of happy thoughts.
    It will get better.

  18. I must admit that thanks to you I have failed at stealthy reading twitter and Internet on my phone while working. Which, I must admit, is probably a bad trait in a human resources person.

    But I know you’ll understand.

  19. 719
    Ruth Gordon-Morton

    I never comment on your blogs. I just read them and laugh and laugh and make sure my daughters read them too. Sorry. That was selfish of me. Can I have the free book, please?

  20. I just about died laughing! Poor Victor! You certainly know how to keep him on his toes!

    AMummysLife recently posted Flashback Friday.

  21. 721
    Jessica Walls

    I’m a poor college student you wants to read your book but can’t buy it and its not at my public library, pick me!!!!

  22. Ha!! I had my husband read this because he wonders, sometimes. The answer I always give is: I was working very hard!!

  23. 723
    Brittany

    Just finished your book on Kindle but would love a signed hard copy anyway! In a way, you are the female version of my husband, and for that, I adore you. When I was reading the book he kept walking in on me giggling to myself as quietly as possible so as not to disturb my infant daughter while feeding her. I will now proceed to force it upon him and as many other people as I can possibly convince to read it. Thanks for keeping me laughing!

  24. I have your book in paperback and in hardcover, and I would still love a signed copy. $15 doesn’t make me laugh like you do.

  25. Must be one of those weeks for a lot of people, myself included. Your post made me smile so my week is a little less shitty. And I am stealing some of your not answering phone excuses.

  26. I hope you’re planning on leaving your brain to science. How do you think of these conversations? Every one of your answers was spot on perfect and it leaves me baffled that someone can actually think like that. It amazes me. Future worlds will benefit from your talent. Bravo!

  27. 727
    Meg Horst

    I think for answering your phone on the 40,007th try, you should get those ass barstools as a reward. Seems only fair.

  28. 728
    Julianne

    YAY! 3 months on the NYT best seller list. I haven’t bought your book. I want to, but it has been this thing out there, in the world, that I know I can always buy when I need to be cheered up. I’m sorry things are shitty. I still like you.

  29. I’m having a really shitty week, too. I’d love to have a little something to cheer me up. I’m sorry, but I can’t afford your book (or any book) right now, otherwise I’d buy it. I’ll try to pay it forward when I am on a little better footing, financially.

  30. I’m still hoping to win your book. I’m still broke, and want your book. I’d absolutely love a signed copy.

  31. You should both totally get the Stalker App called Find Friends so even when you don’t answer your phone, Victor can see via GPS that you are not in fact in an abandoned warehouse, or at the ER, or drifting out to sea somewhere. Or maybe you are, and at least he will know where to tell the police to find your body! I stalk my kids and husband with that App all day. They hate it but I love it!

    PS My writer-daughter and I met you in San Jose last month and the picture we took with you is now my screensaver! No surprise here that your book is still on the bestseller list – it’s probably because we can’t stop telling people how great it is :D Thanks for being so awesome! I already have two signed copies of your book, but I agree that Neil Gaiman is awesome and would totally take $15 to buy another of his books.

    Debbie Huynh recently posted Mark of the Fallen.

  32. This may be my favorite blog post ever. Or at least this week.

  33. Keep calm and don’t blink!!! =D

  34. 734
    Meg Horst

    I think as a reward for answering your phone on the 40,007th try, Victor should buy you those ass barstools. Seems only fair.

  35. I feel like my mom and I have this conversation every day…my mom is victor and I’m Jenny, except when I never pick up the phone I am threatened with having my phone taken away which totally defeats the purpose!

  36. I’m “Victor”, my husband never answers his phone!

  37. Wow. Trying to decide who’s more awesome – you or Victor.
    No, wait—–IT’S BEYONCE!!!!!

  38. I really need to get my husband to read this post…so that he’ll feel better about the occasional lack of phone attention. :) Hope things get better quickly!

    I’m probably one of the few people that reads your blog that hasn’t read this book yet.

  39. I have been in tears laughing along with you or ‘at’ you if that makes you more comfortable ;) I’m on the proposal and bobcat urine section at the moment. You are amazing to have lived thru all this with a sense of humor intact. Your flavor of insanity hits the spot in my little world ;) Thanks for sharing!

  40. So my partner tried to call me on my work phone which I couldn’t answer because I was on a conference call and the called my cell and when I finally answered she was calling to tell me she thought the house might be on fire. Did you call 911? No. Do you still smell smoke? No. Ok, well if you smell smoke again, call the fire department.

  41. I know right? Voicemail and texting were invented so we no longer have to actually answer the phone.

  42. That guy is awesome. I’m sending this page to my husband at work, where he will probably laugh hysterically then be completely dumb-founded when he realizes that this sounds EXACTLY LIKE US. So thanks for that. Thank you, also, for the incredible book. :)

  43. But the orphans were okay right?

  44. My depression’s being pretty weird at the moment, so thankyou for pulling me through, and giving me people to lean into the weird with.

    Rah recently posted a guide to fandom. . . Some Comedy Recommendations..

  45. My husband reminds me very much of Victor. Except that English is his 4th language, so he rarely understands me, even when I’m not being witty and entertaining. He has no idea what he loses in tranlation.
    I’d love if you randomly picked me, but I WILL get to a bookstore eventually. I’m giving copies of your book to my much younger cousins, who are (I do hope) not reading this commentary.

  46. Nobody answers the phone when I call them. I used to think it was because they didn’t like me, but now I know that I’ve simply surrounded myself with Jennys. Here I am, actually named Jenny with all kinds of ID to prove it, and I’m the Victor.

  47. This is awesome, and I just shared it with two of my co-workers. You crack me up, and always provide me with a great mid-day pick me up. Thanks, Jenny!

    Mallory recently posted Memorial Day at the Lake.

  48. I drive my husband nuts with the phone because I’m selective about which calls I answer or not. That’s what caller id’s for, folks, and if mine won’t tell me who’s calling, I won’t pick up!

  49. This sounds like conversations with my spouse. Thanks for being awesomely funny.

  50. Awesome. I’m nearly as bad about answering my phone.
    I got lucky an ordered your book when it went on a one day sale for kindle. :)

  51. I never answer my phone either. Your book has been on my wish list for ages. A signed copy would be even sweeter. My birthday is Saturday. That is all.

    Michele recently posted Busy as a Bee.

  52. They can’t make orphans fire-proof because to do so they have to cover them in asbestos, which will give them cancer and no one wants to adopt cancer orphans.

    Condo Blues recently posted Inspiration Shopping – Guest Bed Edition.

  53. I never answer my phone either :)

  54. I’m okay with kittens becoming extinct by the end of the week. Then I won’t feel guilty anymore when I don’t pet them because it always looks like I’ve been crying for 10 days straight after I do.

    Laura Brown recently posted Wednesday, all day, unless it rains..

  55. You know, it wouldn’t bother me that my husband never answers his phone if he were at least as entertaining as you when he finally does. MPH really needs to work on that. So this is really his fault… as usual.

    Queen Of All Things Good recently posted This Is What Was Disturbing?!.

  56. 756
    Margaret

    I always want to do something nice for you when you have a terrible week, just as though we were friends IRL. Please accept this imaginary bunch of tulips from me. Then go answer the phone. Victor needs to talk to you.

  57. 757
    Christine

    I totally went up to a stranger in an airport and told her to make sure she had tissues when she read the first chapter of your book because she was going to laugh her ass off. I have never done that before, it felt awesome! Then when her boyfriend was in the seat next to me on the plane, I felt awkward.

  58. It makes me glad to know that someone else has conversations like this with their husband. My husband and I may have had a giant fight the week before we got married about an entire container of shredded cheese my husband dropped all over the floor after I told him not to touch the container. It. Was. Enlightening.

  59. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face! Love the book, have the Kindle version and would love an actual physical (signed) copy!

  60. Speaking of telephones, apparently the first thing ever said on the telephone was “Watson, come here. I want you.” It was Alexander Graham Bell speaking to his assistant, Thomas Watson. He probably picked up the phone on the first ring, but I’m sure the novelty of the whole process made it far more exciting for him. Possibly even more so considering the content of the call?

  61. 761
    Amy ebel

    Jenny, I love your blog , adored your book and I’m very sorry you are having such a stressful sad sucky week . I think you are better than chocolate and kittens ! *wishing good vibes at you*

  62. You kill me. Seriously. I have people looking at me strangely because I’m trying to contain my laughter while I sit in Starbucks by myself.

    Last night, I handed my copy of your book to my new flatmate to show why I had ceramic chickens on our balcony (neither are named Beyonce; they’re Roberta and Oops). He liked the chapter so much he bought the eBook version so he can read it during his commute. :D

    Julia recently posted Taking a break outside.

  63. I just want to say THANK YOU for reminding me (always right when I need it) that it is okay not to be okay all the time. I REALLY appreciate that! And also for making me laugh! I appreciate that as well!

    Mary recently posted Sitting on the bleachers vs. being in the arena.

  64. Ah, I read posts like this, Jenny, I just wanna pat Victor on the head and tell him it’s all right, you don’t have to do that steam whistle thing with your ears. It’s really only sexy on male rabbits in drag.

    AMWestbrooks recently posted Greatest chocolate chip cookies ever. Really. I can prove it….

  65. Still hoping to win a copy to replace the one I accidentally left on an airplane. :)

  66. It’s hard to leave a comment when your phone’s taped to your ankle — I’m not that limber.

  67. Why does Victor call you so much anyway? That seems really needy. And, seriously, why doesn’t he just text you like a normal person?

  68. 768
    Julie Strasburg

    Thank you for your wacked out sense of humour! Spell Check does not like “wacked” nor the British spelling of “humour.” Seriously Spell Check, the Brits our only true friends Do you think you should insult them like that?

  69. 769
    Cathleenn

    Sorry to hear you’re having a bad week – mine was improved by the paperback copy of your book that my husband got me for my birthday. Cause he’s almost as awesome as Victor.

    Oh, and one of my dogs said he’d be glad to help your kitties go extinct by the end of the week. Or he’d be friends with them. Probably the latter.

  70. I’m totally guily of not answering the phone. The only reason I do it at work is because the phone blinks at me if I have a message. I’ve come to dread that blinky light.

  71. 771
    Meg Horst

    And I think for being a moron and posting the same comment within a span of 1 minute, I should totally get a book. Seems only fair.

  72. Thanks for being you.

  73. I love your conversations with Victor!

    Kelster recently posted To Share or not to Share and Garlicky Kale Alfredo Pizza.

  74. I think what would be totally awesome is if you and Neil Gaiman teamed up to write a book. OMG that would be amazing.

    Oh and this whole phone thing is reversed with my husband and I. He never answers and it’s annoying, but he’s safe from any wrath because he’s in Germany and I’m in NY.

  75. Last week, on the way to visit friends, we passed a gigantic metal chicken which had a “for sale” sign on it’s neck. Only the fact that our friends have an utter hatred of chickens made us fly on by without making a purchase. Come to think of it, that would have been an awfully good reason to buy the chicken. Hmm. Hope it’s still there next time. Until then, knock, knock.

  76. Horses are herbivores. You probably don’t have to worry about them eating your face. Velociraptors on the other hand…

  77. He totally just gave you a reason to not answer the phone on the first ring ever again. If you do then he forgets why he called, now how productive is that.

  78. 778
    Jessica Roehl

    You never cease to amaze me with your wit and overall bizarreness. Seriously where do come up with this stuff? I already have a copy of your book, but not a signed copy, which would be priceless. So although $15 would be nice, I’ll take the signed book. Thanks for picking me in advance. You’re the bestest.

  79. “Must be a hell of a scary crack in your wall.”

  80. 780
    Julie Morton

    Face-eating-horses are not a laughing matter. Please be careful out there.

  81. 781
    Diane Clemens

    I also never answer my phone, mainly because I never know where I left it. I am not attached to it as I see others. It is for my convenience and when I need it I will look for it.

  82. Thanks for the laugh! I really needed that today. :)

    Ericamos recently posted What’s In A Name?.

  83. Wouldn’t it be more efficient to tape the phone to your arm? With non-latex adhesive tape of some kind, of course.

  84. I am the SAME way!! Almost the same arguments too!!

  85. So I read somewhere that Richard Branson has so much money and so little to do with it that he actually hires someone to scour the internet for everything that mentions his name every day, and then he reads all of it.
    What I mean by this is that Richard Branson has now read your blog (though he probably should have been if he didn’t already.)
    You’re welcome.
    Actually, he’s welcome.

  86. ???????????????????

    I can’ come up with anything witty and original. So I wrote something bland and not original in foreign language.

  87. Hooray for the book charts! But not for the ass-hatty weeks. Sorry to hear things’re low right now.

  88. If I get a book, I will make it its own little home, much like a tiny book apartment, out of reach of my little destroyer!

  89. I have the same ‘problem’ if you ask others that are trying to get ahold of me.
    I like to think of it as saving my energy for the really important things like reading blogs.

  90. Now I can’t stop thinking about what my code would be if I was ever kidnapped. Lack of booze would certainly be a red flag. Must think about this further

  91. It’s possible that I may have to print this out and put it on the fridge. Saving orphans – didn’t think of that one now did you honey!

    Yes book?!

  92. My week blows also…hope I win!

  93. oooh the odds must be in my favor, because I am at the end of a very long list of comments.
    Jenny… your book is funny. And I think it’s great that so many people want to have a signed copy. It’s just… well, it’s cool.

    Natalie, the Chickenblogger recently posted Organic Matters.

  94. I was thinking about you today, because I saw a picture of a taxidermied fox sitting on a chair.

    I follow a facebook page dedicated to sharing pictures of badly taxidermied foxes. It’s awesome – but also in Danish.

    xx

    ida rud recently posted Silver Linings Playbook.

  95. Sorry to hear that you had a shitty week. Can relate to that & you’ve got my compassion. But you’ve got Victor! And Hailey! And dead animals as well as live kittens. So… in my book that makes you a very lucky person!
    Congratz on the NYT bestseller list three-month anniversary! It’s totally justified!!!

  96. I love your face.

  97. if kittens become extinct because of you, i will personally buy a horse and give it rabies and hide it in your closet. thanks.

  98. I think there is a tarantula in the kitchen…

    Nat recently posted No beginning and no end.

  99. love the post. i can totally relate, and now i wish i was creative enough to answer the phone like that!

  100. And the rest of you also.

  101. I figure it’s up to me whether I answer my phone. If I don’t, I have voicemail. But Victor is understanding and patient. So maybe he has his reasons. Whatever they are.

    Tragic Sandwich recently posted My Week, as Told by Twitter.

  102. My mom complains because I don’t answer the phone a lot and I point out that I have children and a life and it’s not like I’m sitting by the phone anxiously awaiting her possible calls. Sometimes I’m up to my elbows in baby poop or feeding my toddler or something. Then there’s the times I just ignore the phone cause it’s on the other side of the room and I’m too tired to get up.

  103. Are you freaking kidding me this is too funny. I have this conversation all the time, but the roles are so totally reversed. LOL. I had to laugh at this, but I have to say that when my hubby does it to me, it drives me nuts. Thanks for sharing Jenny. And I love the fact that your book has been on the best seller list for three months that rocks. =D

    Gen recently posted My One Year Anniversary!.

  104. Hilarious! Thank you for the laughs!

  105. 805
    Jennifer

    I’m allergic to latex too! What a pain in the ass. I feel like the most evil aunt in the world cause of the no balloons thing. On another note, my bf doesn’t have a cell phone, and I don’t have a landline at my house. When he’s there, we can’t call each other. Occasionally this is a pain. Mostly it’s awesome. (Me working late due to a leisurely lunch) “You are home so late! I thought you would be home earlier!” “Huh, I must have missed your call. Sorry!” *dark look* ha ha! Ah well.

    Oh! I got your book on the audiobook, it’s fantastic! I do wish there was a page on your site with all the photos referenced. That’d be cool. :)

  106. Ooooo, this whole conversation is the exact same thing I go through with my boyfriend. He never answers his damn phone, half the time he leaves it at home or in the car. Drives me nuts (pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s wheel attached to his belt. The bartender asks him what the wheel is for and he replies “aaaarrrrggghh, it’s drivin’ me nuts” sorry I couldn’t resist)

    Anyway, that’s a long way of saying, I would love a copy of your book…technically I already have a copy but it’s the hard cover copy, so if I could win a paperback version with the new and exciting chapter, it would make me very happy.

  107. That’s hilarious! I know you can’t read everything, but I sent you a message on FB because I saw something funny that I (Think I) know you’ll love. Check it out when you get the chance!!! <3 and <4 :)

  108. 808
    CrankyBytch

    I need this book, Jenny. Seriously. I have it on my e-reader, but I miss the feel of actual “book-ness” in my hands when I read it. And I do read it. Frequently. It makes me laugh when I feel like shit, which happens way too often lately. Depression may lie, but that bastard is one convincing liar. :(

  109. I am commenting so that kittens don’t go extinct. That would be just too shitty for a girl to bear…

  110. That just made my epically shitty so much better thank you!

  111. What’s that thing in transformers the first movie that made the toaster come alive…. well yeah that thing made your phone come alive and start attacking others therefore preventing u from answering it when it rang 40,000 times
    …I don’t know what I’m saying nevermind.
    LOVE your book!

  112. You are fabulous, and so is your book! I forced my friends to listen to the audiobook version on the way home from a conference and now they love you as much as I do.

  113. How about texting? I have a peep that doesn’t answer her cell, but will respond to her texts. Never quite got that since it is on the same phone…

  114. 814
    Rochelle Thompson

    You can never run out of smiles, so use them lots! Have a better day/week!!

  115. I’m sorry to hear about your shitty week. But I’m glad you can mine such hilarity even in the midst of crap.

  116. Neil is pretty damn awesome but I would love your book.

    Sidenote: I’ve had this conversation with all my friends.

  117. I borrowed your book from a friend and had to give it back. Would love to own the book in order to read it over and over again!

  118. So very sorry you’re having a craptastic week. Same here. Mine’s more trying to deal with a newborn and hormones and bored kids home for the summer all at once. It’s not fun. I hope you feel better soon.

    Keaven recently posted Stationery Card.

  119. I’ve run out of friends to whom I need to forward your postings because as a result of what I’ve been doing, they have all subscribed themselves :-) My work here might be done.

  120. 820
    Empress Jasmin

    You are a best seller because you are fucking awesome and weird and all the things that make monkeys ride on giraffe backs.

  121. Our house is getting bulldozed by the Department of Transportation… which might be something that comes in as better than having your face eaten off by horses by possibly worse than kitten extinction, either way I wouldn’t recommend it!

    Jessie recently posted French Kids Eat Everything by Karen Le Billon.

  122. I bought your book at an airport in Germany (so weird) and just LOVED it and so glad to have found your blog. Would love an autographed copy (to replace my ghetto German version). I bought it IN germany, it’s not IN German – it’s in English actually -or else I couldn’t have read it.

    ArchitectDesign recently posted A hidden Venetian garden.

  123. Laughing my butt off reading your blog!!!! Just the thing this high school teacher needs to end the year!!!!

  124. I don’t answer the phone either… mostly because I work in a call center all day and I don’t want to work when I get home, so I ignore my phone as much as possible… If I had your book I would have a better excuse to not answer the phone

  125. Today a customer asked me “Why are you always so happy on the phone?”
    Uhhh… because my natural tone of condescending sarcasm is frowned upon in the workplace?

    Kari recently posted I might never eat a double chocolate jumbo muffin again.

  126. I read your blog posts and hear your voice (since I listened to you narrate your audiobook). Makes your posts even funnier! Sorry you had a crappy week. May kittens continue for another century at least.

  127. I snickered through the whole post Jenny lol! I am sending this to MY husband who feels the same way Victor does. I too never answer that stupid phone. Well, sometimes, when I’m awake .. and it’s not too far to walk. :D

  128. 829
    Evee Gallagher

    I’m often guilty of this, but I work at a zoo. My excuses usually tend towards “I was feeding the bats!” or something. He has a hard time arguing with that one. I use this to my advantage, and my animal stories can get out of control sometimes “I was being attacked by monkeys!” I’m not sure why he’s starting not to believe me.

  129. I will definitely be using some of these!!

  130. 831
    Denise Burns

    I totally love your blog and can’t wait to see what your next post will be! ALSO, love your mouse! My obsession in life is to get as many people as I can to read your blog! It all began with Beyonce, the giant metal chicken, so please thank Victor for me!

  131. 832
    Beth Eder

    What a coinkindink!! I’m allergic to the latex used to make tape too!! I have your book and have been sharing its loveliness with my friends!! I must say that I have cried….down my leg….more than once. You’re a bright spot in MY day anyway.

  132. Horses won’t eat your face off… they’re vegetarians. Don’t pick on horses. They’re nicer than many people. At least most of them are.

    Linda Jones recently posted Schiz (Hint... it's a cheese)..

  133. I just read my second Neil Gaiman book and WOW! Apparently I was holding up the line because the librarian was Like, Dude, I’m supposed to read that book. The other librarian has and now I HAVE to. Why haven’t I read that book yet?

    jessie hansen recently posted Garnier Fructis: Not what I'm looking for..

  134. Last week I had never heard of you. Last weekend I saw a picture of your dedication to the rowdy-hating man in K-mart and I knew I had to know more. Tuesday I checked out your book from the library. Wednesday I read it. The following two events also happened on Wednesday:

    I pulled a friend away from the celebration of his new job offer in order to show him the section of your book about e-mail communication which I insisted was a perfect match to his views on the subject. He read it and agreed, then reminded me that his cat of seventeen years had just died two weeks ago and that as the vet took her from his arms two copies of the Rainbow Bridge were thrust in his hand as if in exchange. As others had provided my friend with pizza, cheesy sticks, and video games to celebrate his new job, it was only because of your book that I was able to give him something that no one else thought to bring. I consider that gift to be “the gift of perspective”, he called it “the gift of fun-extinguishing”. I plan on sending him an e-mail to debate the matter.

    Later that day, I went out with my grandmother for dinner. The trick to eating with my grandmother is to never stop talking, otherwise you will soon be held accountable for your every character flaw, questionable life decision, and the fact you commit the unforgivable sin of liking honey on your French fries. As our dinner plans had been spur of the moment, I hadn’t had a chance to prepare topics I could talk non-stop about, so by the time our dinners had arrived, I was beginning to falter. Fortunately, I had just read your amazing book and so I decided to share with my grandmother the story from it I felt was both the funniest and the easiest to recount: Stanley the Magical Talking Squirrel. Just as I wrapped up your niece and father’s raccoon adventure, the waitress came by to take our dessert orders. For once, my grandmother declined dessert and decided it was time for her to head home. Although I can’t imagine what could have possibly put my grandmother off her appetite, I’d like to believe she left because she didn’t have anything to share that could have topped the story from your book. Thank you for that.

    So now it’s Thursday and I just want to say that I am really glad I heard of you and that I read your book. Although I had to borrow it from the library, I have added your name to my list of authors whose books I must buy whenever I find them at the thrift store or library book sale (as these are the only places where I can afford to buy books right now). Neil Gaiman is on my list too and I’ve been able to pick up quite a few of his titles this way. I haven’t found Sandman yet but I dare to keep dreaming.

    On a final note, I’d like to offer you two pieces of advice. First, keep in mind that horses hate the taste of pepper jack, so a nice mask of pepper jack should both protect you from face-eating horses as well as serve as a great conversational piece at cheese and wine tastings. Second, should kittens go extinct you should consider getting an indoor rabbit. As the accidental owner of a small indoor rabbit army, I feel qualified to share that not only can bunnies be playful as a kitten, but, when stacked upon one’s head, the rabbit-wearer automatically gains a little Playboy bunny sex appeal. Just be careful when eating food off the floor, as I can promise you those are not Cocoa Puffs.

    If you’d like, you can also ignore everything I’ve written above. Just know that you had me at velociraptor.

  135. Kittens should live. Also, I need someone, maybe someone doctorish but I can’t find one I’m comfortable with poking around my posterior, to poke around my posterior and tell me whether I should have my hemorrhoids surgically removed or just buy stock in Preparation H cooling gel and steal a few sitz baths from the maternity wards of random hospitals. Also, Epsom Salts. I wonder if I could steal those from CVS because I’m broke. That damn security guard in the CVS near my house is straight hood, though, always with his hand on his gun like bitch I’ma see you if you cuff those Skittles.

    Arnebya recently posted Conversations with a Three-Year-Old.

  136. Fire-proof Orphans would make an excellent band name.

  137. The Husband really does not have Victor’s sense of humor about things like this. I’d end up getting lectured over some of the come backs you gave. Plus he knows I’m not allergic to duct tape.

    Tina, Escrow Goddess recently posted This just needed to be shared!.

  138. at work, it’s storming like a bitch outside, all i can think about is how i dont want to go home….home is sometimes more stressful than being at work. can i send my kids to your house for the night???? Pretty please with a taxidermied animal on top?

  139. “You can’t begrudge me a few extra hours of blissful ignorance. Why are you in such a hurry to make me grieve for you? It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Victor.”

    That made me laugh so hard. I feel like I should take out your book and hug it. And then read it again. You are awesome.

    Stacey recently posted Recent Messages from My Family.

  140. Its the opposite here, my husband will answer the phone and whisper to me, “I can’t talk right now”….WTF! Then don’t answer the phone ! Its drives me insane.

  141. I already have your book, so give it to someone else because I also already have all of Neil Gaiman’s books which are pretty damn fantastic. I am just here to point out that Neil’s special lady friend is foxy.

  142. Seriously, you are the best thing I read all day. Granted, I read a lot of really crappy stuff all day, but I’d still choose to read you over really good options of reading, too.
    Hilarious. Thank you for my ab workouts from laughing so hard.

  143. 844
    Sharon Cates

    You are my hero. So funny

  144. I’m so sorry you’re having a shitty week. I’ve been having a shitty month, but reading your blog every day makes everything a little better. Thanks.

    Rachel recently posted My last two shots from the show. An ambulance outside was....

  145. This post was completely amazing and I hope your week starts turning around!

  146. I have these conversations all the damn time!! Always the “what if I was dead”… well, that would be awkward if you were still calling me from beyond. Worse, if you left me a voicemail, that I would never check.

  147. I hear ya. I’ve been down this week too and weather.com is partly to blame. I opened up their page yesterday and there wasn’t one positive story. What happened to fluffy filler stories about happy summer activities and garden tips and stuff?

  148. I cannot believe how freaking awesome and hilarious you are and how I JUST discovered you! And how you will probably never see this being I’m the 787 comment. But I know it is here and I cannot wait to get your book!!

  149. 850
    Carla Dixon

    Just found your blog today…read about the big metal chicken. Loved it! Great stuff!

  150. So a friend said that it would be fun to take over an open mic night at a comedy venue for her birthday, and do bad comedy. And I tried to picture myself on stage doing bad comedy, and the image that I got was of me opening my mouth to say something and vomiting. And it occurred to me that the schadenfreude in that would be funny, in a horrific kind of way, but probably not what my friend meant by “Bad Comedy.” So I giggled at the mental image and then backed away slowly from the whole plan.

    PS. I hope this not really funny story made you smile at least, because you and the Amanda Palmer song you linked have made me smile during some really shitty days, and I’d love to be able to return the favor. *hugs-in-the-internet-friendly-non-personal-space-invading-kind-of-way*

  151. It would be awesome to get the copy of your book. I have my sister’s copy and I just never get to the postoffice to send it back. So if I got it, I would have it sent to her cause it would save me a trip and it would come directly from you making me the awesomest little sister.

  152. I’m actually not commenting to win, because I already have the book (although the $15 to feed my Neil Gaiman habit would be pretty fucking awesome), I wanted to comment because I’m glad I’m not the only one that has these types of conversations with my husband regarding the answering of the phone. And also because I’ve had a shitty week too, and I wanted to commiserate. Here’s to tomorrow being Friday and we can start over.

    Nagzilla recently posted A Day Late and A Dollar Daze Short.

  153. 854
    Teresa M

    You always crack me up and brighten my day! Thanks

  154. “Or, if you already have my book I’ll just give you the $15 and you can buy something by Neil Gaiman. That guy’s amazing.”
    This is why you are awesome. It’d be really cool if Neil Gaiman handed out $15 to people who have his books so they could go get your book too. It’d be even better than the twine thing.

  155. 856
    Jennifer C.

    I could be witty but I’m tired.

  156. 857
    Kimberly

    This post got me through the worst of day (ok, it is early yet but I’m hoping this day can’t get any worse and if it does, I’ll just re-read this). Thank you.

  157. I don’t know if one of my Lawsbian crew has told you this yet, but we’ve started our own little Lawsbian Manual to the Game of Life. Let me share the first five rules with you.
    Rule one: Normality is a myth created by boring people. Be interesting.

    Rule two: Have epic sex. If epic sex is nowhere to be had then good sex is a solid substitute.

    Rule three: Be safe.

    Rule four: Listen to your friends when they tell you you’re awesome. And if they tell you to stop being a bitch one of you probably needs some chocolate, so you both should get some.

    Rule five: Eat as much chocolate as necessary. Or drink as much booze. Or glitter as many crafts.

    Squishy Amber recently posted O, Complications....

  158. You are just amazing….iapml!

  159. I love your book and your blog. Thank you sooooo much. I’d be interested if you did a survey of the ages of people who read your blog regularly. I’m 59 (female). Am I the only old fart with a sense of humor?

  160. I keep borrowing your book from the library. It was over-due so I went to the library, paid the fine and checked the book out again because I was too busy with work to read it. The two weeks went by and I got a phone call from the library. Still too busy with work and I was only past the first chapter and it was overdue again. Paid fine, re-checked out book. Third phone call from library. Hubby picked up phone and tells me “It’s the library… your book is overdue… again”. Moral to this story (and yours) Husbands just need to stay away from phones.

  161. Hope your days get better. You certainly make mine!

  162. I never answer the phone either. I actually took it a step further and refused to set up my voicemail. It was awesome, then I had a kid and was told I was being irresponsible… boooo. I love your book – it cost me many library fines – all worth it!

  163. I already have two copies of your book, because I bought one on Kindle, then forgot to download it, so then I bought a paper copy. It was awesome in both formats and yes, Neil Gaiman’s also awesome, but since I also have all his stuff, if I win can I just have a t-shirt?

  164. Sorry to hear that you’re having a bad week. We all have them from time to time. I love your blog! I swear my boyfriend and I have had the same conversation you and Victor had about answering the phone. Except I always seem to be in the bathroom when he calls me, and I don’t take my phone with me when I’m in there.

    Erin C. recently posted Outside on her halter and leash. Yes, I am a crazy cat lady. (at....

  165. Dear Mighty and Magnificent Bloggess,

    Please pick me (me! me! me!) to give your book to. I’ll tell you why you should…

    Because I can’t afford to buy your book myself, because I spent all my money on flame-retardant suits for orphans.

    And because your Beyonce article inspired me to build a life-sized replica of gila monster and leave it our bathtub right as my husband was getting ready to take a shower.

    And because I named my gila monster “Jenny Lawless.”

    And because I am the *most random* person who ever lived. Like if you reach into a giant bag of differently numbered ping balls and pull one out without looking, you’ll look down at your hand and be holding me.

    And because I need a new book to hold open with my phone inside so that my kids will think I’m reading.

    Just kidding! I really want to read your book. And you should obviously pick me to give one too.

    lots of love,
    some totally RANDOM chick on the internet

  166. I announce to everyone at work whenever you’ve made a new post. Not to suck up, but more to mention that the office gets really quiet. And that you’re awesome.
    A coworker saw your book reading in the Marina in SF, I didn’t go and was really bummed. Then she showed me a picture of you two together and now we’re not speaking. Well, we are but I’d really like to get a signed copy too.

  167. Here is my comment about anything which is really about nothing.

    I hate my new medication I am on. I hate that I am not further along in my goals then I want to be. I hate that I don’t even own a phone to not answer and if I did, I wouldn’t have anyone to call me anyway. I hate that it is hard to leave my apartment only once per day to take my dog outside. Like it’s my one effing job to do and I manage to eff that up. I hate that I want to quit all the time. I hate that Jenny said “Don’t Leave” and it’s stuck on a loop and keeps me from quitting. And I hate that all of this hate swirls around in my brain and doesn’t ever stand a chance to ease up unless I find a way to open my mouth and say it out loud which makes me feel small and stupid.

    But it’s hot outside and I am inside where it’s cold. I don’t hate that. So that is something.

    ppg recently posted No. That's not it either..

  168. Because it sounds like you need one, click on this for a laugh (cats & Doctor Who – You can’t go wrong!):

  169. 870
    C.L. Potts

    Oh my word you DO make me laugh… and every time I need an extra pick me up I still go back and read about the giant chickens…keep it coming!

  170. 871
    Rachel c

    I’d love to win!!! You’re my favorite ever

  171. Thank you for putting the effort in. I know that some days are harder than others, and I wanted to say that I’ve been reading for, like, ages, and if it’s not creepy for a total stranger to say, “Hey, I care about you,” this is me saying it. I wish you well in all of your endeavors, love reading your work, and would love to read the book. Which I haven’t done yet. But I want to. Someday!

  172. Congrats! Today is my 40-something birthday. Really. And it reminds me that I don’t really care for them anymore. At all. Really.

  173. I love you & your writing more than watching seven dozen unicorns juggle kittens while doing a nicely choreographed tango. And that’s saying something.

  174. 875
    Anonymous

    Ha – my sister is YOU :) She never answers her phone, nor does she listen to her messages… fustrates me beyond belief and once I was a very very mean older sister and left a fake message about someone dying and then when she didn’t call 2 days later left another saying we missed her at the funeral… when she finally answered her messages she was not amused but i felt vindicated LOL Hope your week is getting better!

  175. 876
    mousebert

    My wife doesn’t answer her cell phone either. That doesn’t really bother me. What bothers me is that her mother and friends call me wanting to know why she doesn’t answer the phone.

    I particularly enjoyed ” WHAT IF I WAS DEAD?” Reminded me when I was “yelled” at years and years ago to approve a STAT exam to show that a patient had died. I asked if it could wait 4 hours.
    NO!
    Me: Why? Are you telling me he won’t be dead in the morning?

  176. I don’t have a phone, but if I did, I would never answer it. And my mother would probably call the police if it rang more than four times. Or perhaps call a helicopter rental company to look for me. She’s paranoid. :D

    Amelia recently posted Journalism at the Holidays.

  177. Fucking hilarious. Reading this is worth everyone staring at me in Starbucks from laughing.

    Congrats on being on the bestseller list!!!

  178. I was kind of having a bad day and then read today’s post and it totally made me smile – thanks!

  179. I’m Victor. It’s official…except I don’t get tested when I finally get my SO on the phone. I get…”*mumble mumble* when I get home.”

  180. All I can say is that I was having a moderately shitty week as well, UNTIL I SAW THIS POST. All better now.

    Also? I never answer my phone either. Hating phone calls is why answering machines were created, and I love technology too much not to use them. Take that, Victors of the world.

  181. 882
    Roseanne

    You make me laugh everytime I read your blog! Hope you’re better soon!

  182. I love your writing, Jenny, it really speaks to me. Thanks for the laughs. I hope your week gets better.

  183. You’re the fifth reason I wake up everyday – thanks for that!

  184. I have answering the phone. Please send me your book!

  185. I’m reading “The Gravity of Birds” by Tracy Guzeman and I like it so far even though I have only read two chapters. But that isn’t my fault. Everytime I open the book someone wants to talk to me, usually about what book I’m reading and I have to explain that I am only up to chapter 2 because someone always wants to talk to me. Then they laugh and ask me if I watched the Yankee game. Which is about the point where I bang my head on the table which means that reading is about out of the question until I recover. Anyway, it is a good book so far but it isn’t anything like your book or what I imagine your book would be like because I haven’t actually read your book yet because I am still reading “The Gravity of Birds”. Does any of this make sense?

    Tom recently posted The Gods of Heavenly Punishment by Jennifer Cody Epstein.

  186. I am going to try the hostage role next time I fail to answer on the first call.

  187. 888
    Shailey Roe

    I’d like to formally request a totally nerd-tastic post on your thoughts about the season finale of Doctor Who.

  188. I wish I was clever enough to come up with these responses. I was snapped at this morning for not answering my phone (which was in the car, in the garage with the ringer off – where it should be).

  189. “Victor: Seriously, why can’t you just answer your phone?

    me: Why is the sky blue? Why can’t they just make orphans fire-proof? Frankly, we could ask these questions all day, but the main point is that your wife is a hero and you should probably bring her some egg rolls on your way home because I bet she’d like that.”

    This was my favorite part. It’s going on my ‘Top 10 List of Things on the Internet That Actually Made Me Laugh Out Loud’.

    P.S. I would LOVE a signed copy of your book. But if you want to give me $15, that’s cool too. I’m missing The Graveyard Book from my Neil Gaiman collection.

  190. My daughter knows how much I love you so she gave me your book for Mother’s Day after waiting a really long time in line to have you sign it… and I loved it so much I took it to my mamogram (because I knew I would need a serious distraction) and I left it on the toilet roll dispenser in the bathroom because you made the cover EXACTLY the same color as the dispenser – so since it is technically your fault that I lost my book, I would really, really like another copy. I promise NOT to take it into public restrooms, in fact, I’m not taking any books into restrooms – regardless of their jacket color.
    ps. You are BRILLIANT !

  191. 892
    Jennifer W.

    Man, I hope the horses stay away from your face and that kittens stay safe. I hate talking on the phone. Hate it. I can do it at the office and sound like a normal human, but to just chit-chat on the phone makes me want to hide somewhere. I hope your week gets better. *hugs*

  192. I’ve been in Israel for nine months. In five days I get to go home. The best part about going home? GOOD SUSHI
    (and understanding the language)

    Rebecca recently posted victor is being annoying about me going back to eating only organic meat.

  193. 894
    Jennifer

    Pick me!!!!!!!
    I already have your book, but an autographed copy would complete my collection. :^D

  194. You inspire me. Now I am never going to answer my phone!!

    Kathleen recently posted Slick Ice.

  195. You are too freaking funny for words!

  196. PS to ppg. Hang in there. Jenny is right, you know she is. Don’t leave. Your dog needs you and you have cool air inside. Those are enough wins for the day.

  197. my husband never answers the phone.I always ask him what if the kids were in the hospital or dying or something and he just laughed at me. However, whenever my dad calls I have no batteries in my phone so he’s convinced I just use all my batteries playing Angry Birds so that he can’t call me.

    Brea recently posted The Great Skirt Experiment: Day 3.

  198. I already have a copy of your book, which I adore and I will not loan out…nope…won’t do it! I would love a signed copy…then maybe…just maybe..I would allow the other book out of the house!

  199. ME! ME! Please!!!! I can’t afford to buy any books. And although I could go get it from the library (and deprive you of money that you wouldn’t get if you gave me a free book anyway), I usually forget to browse for books for myself when we go every week in an effort to get my 10 month old boy excited about checking out his four weekly board books. Mostly he just wants to go to the older kids section and pull all the books off the shelves. Anyway, that’s my case.

  200. ”The 40,006th time:

    Victor: WHAT IF I WAS DEAD? WHAT IF THIS WAS THE POLICE CALLING TO TELL YOU I JUST DIED?

    me: Well, that would be very depressing.

    Victor: Yes, but you’d never know because you never answer your phone.

    me: You can’t begrudge me a few extra hours of blissful ignorance. Why are you in such a hurry to make me grieve for you? It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Victor.”

    Seriously, I’m dying reading this at work! Everyone should be so lucky as to have your great sense of humor and amazingly understanding husband! A marriage made in humor (even if it’s mainly one sided) is a marriage bound to last!

  201. You make me pee my pants.

  202. Tell him you watched Dial M for Murder. ?? You make me laugh, thank goodness for you.

  203. Love your blog!

  204. I am pretty sure I should receive the book because I have loaned out my copy and have never gotten it back. Now the only way to replace it would be to have a signed copy on my shelf. Pretty please!?

  205. Hope the next few days are better. Bad days seem to be going around. Today the steam wand blew off the espresso machine at my work, spraying me directly in the chest with milk and hot steam. On the plus side I internalized all the cursing, and so I didn’t teach and new words to the dozen kids there for storytime. I could use a *better* plus side to the day, but at least that’s something.

    Patti B recently posted Knitting? What's that?.

  206. Have your book but am having an equally shitty wee and think I need some autographed laughs :)

  207. 908
    Stefanie

    My toddler is FINALLY back to enjoying independent play – so I have breezed through 2 and a half books in one week. I would be SOOO excited to add your book to the list!

  208. My daughter kept complaining that we never answer our phones. She gave that phone to me and I found out she had all our numbers wrong.

    Vivian recently posted When my child was a super hero..

  209. yep. shitty week. cuz my office kitties ARE extinct now :( and it really sucks.

  210. I constantly think my husband’s been kidnapped and tied up because he’ll call and I’ll just hear muffled noises and then I ask him why he called and he’ll be totally confused and it will turn out he pocket dialed me. Which doesn’t even make sense because his phone is always locked and has to be flipped open to be unlocked/used to dial. It’s like he has a tiny gnome in his pocket who likes to call me when he’s bored just to hear me go “hello? helloooo? babe?!”

  211. My anxiety levels are through the roof right now (I’ve been an avid reader of your blog for over a year and this is my first comment) but I would really, really love a signed copy of your fantastic book!

  212. I hope your week gets better.

    When I ignore my phone, my husband just calls my work phone, which I feel obligated to answer. However, when I get really irritated with him, I ignore that one too. That’s why there are texts and voice mail, after all…

    a recently posted Trying to do my part.

  213. You do realize that every man in America wishes he was Victor, right?

  214. Sending love and healing thoughts your way. I hope your week gets better, kittens don’t become extinct and carnivorous horses stay far, far away. You warm the hearts of all of us-your loving audience-and I’m sure I can speak for all of us when I say that we wish you a world filled with wonder, happiness and hope.

    All the Best,
    N

  215. 916
    Hally Hotta

    I adore your blog and have a friend that could use a good laugh. I’ll pass along the book to her!

  216. OK, I’ll leave a comment but don’t expect much. I just left a comment on another blog that sort of turned into a “Columbo” script, so I’m kinda commented out. OK, it was more like a script treatment than an actual script but did have to do a rewrite when WordPress ate the first one, so I think I’m justified in exaggerating a bit.

    Steve D recently posted #480 Roach Limit.

  217. Funny, I don’t answer Victor’s calls either.

    Melissa recently posted The Parental Matrix.

  218. 919
    Margaret

    I love Neil Gaiman too.

    I also never answer my phone and don’t apologize for it. I carry the fucking thing voluntarily and I’ll do whatever the fuck I want with it.

    Ahem.

    I mean, sorry I missed you.

  219. Ok so a couple of things… Love you, love your bloggess’ness, love everything about you (in a non-stalker way).
    Two: Tears streaming down my face reading this & usually most of your posts because I’m laughing so hard. I’ve had your book for over a year and haven’t gotten past the second chapter because my eyes fill with tears of laughter and I can’t catch my breath so I have to put it down… not because I want to but more because I have plans for the next day so can’t die laughing (otherwise I would totally woman up and take one for the team).
    C: I totally had a random thought of wanting to use Juanita Weasel on a tee shirt with (AHHHHHH) on top and then the words “how my heart reacts anytime someone say’s “fro-yo” for frozen yogurt or “throw-back” instead of just saying oldies.
    & finally did I mention you bring tears to my eyes but in the best way possible. Keep on being you because if you don’t then who would?

    Beth recently posted Actions Not Words Will Always Speak Truth.

  220. 921
    Taylor Schaffer

    I love this post so much, I’ve now read it aloud to three people. I can’t get through it without giggling profusely, but still.

  221. So I saw this picture on the Internet of a taxidermist who posed a coyote on the tailgate of his truck, like it was hanging on for dear life (like the dog from National Lampoon’s, except without the leash) to freak people out as he drove around. I then heard he was from Texas and my first thought was, “I bet he knows The Bloggess”. It was pretty awesome.

    Suzanne recently posted Hey Soul Sista.

  222. I swear, I think my husband and I have had these same conversations – only it’s him who never answers.

  223. One day, I went for a brow wax. As I sat in the chair, eyes closed, waiting for the pain to start, I felt a gentle stroking of my ear lobes. I peeked with one eye at the lovely Asian woman. She said, “You have ears like Buddha. Is good luck.” I never found out if it was good luck for her or me. I did learn that day that I have Buddha-lobes. I guess that’s a win? (you DID say comment about anything…)

  224. Free books! One can never have too many free books.

  225. Victor sounds like me, except I *always* come up with a crazy scenario for the reason I was calling. Kudos to him for saving death for last.

  226. I gave my daughter-in-law my copy of your book, because, well, quite frankly, she could be your clone. I think it kinda weirded her out. She loved the book, but now I don’t have one of my own. Please pick me for a signed copy? And, thanks for being you. And for sharing you with the rest of us mortals.

  227. I need a kleenex…to wipe the snot off my monitor.

  228. I’ve been trying to think of something witty to write, but I feel like you need a reminder that depression is a lying bastard. And kittens will not be going extinct this week and I think your face is safe from being eaten. Hope your week gets better!

    Oh, and I’d love an autograph copy of your book :)

    Marissa recently posted And that's why I work for the greatest family ever..

  229. I’m the same with my sister. She’s always on my back about why I never answer my phone and I’m all duuuuuude I never answer, so why is it always a surprise when I don’t pick up? Then one time I did answer, on like the first ring and everything, and she made me go look up surinam toads. Which, by the way, you should never ever ever do.

    So now I’m back to screening her calls. With a vengeance.

    Marci recently posted Busy hands keep the devil at bay.

  230. 932
    Brent Kincade

    I think you’re a spectacularly funny woman. When they give ‘cloning’ the okay, maybe I could order one of you?

  231. Love your book!!!!!!

  232. I hate answering my phone. It’s always either a robocall or someone pissed at me for not answering the phone previously because my ringer is always off and my butt no longer notices when it’s vibrating.

  233. I throw away yellow skittles. My husband never answers his phone either.

  234. Neil Gaiman is pretty great. Terry Pratchett is better. I have no idea how you compare, I can give you an update after you send me a copy of your book.

  235. My niece, Abby, met you at the Kentucky book signing and she got you to autograph something. Actually she said that you just wrote my name (Karla) and then she lost it. So technically, I need your autograph since my niece failed so miserably. And, I introduced her to your site/book. I know you’re choosing folks at random but I’d love to have a hard copy of your book that’s been signed. I just have the Kindle version and I bought my niece the hard back.

    You rock and I hope your week gets better!
    Karla

  236. OMG, I have not laughed that hard in months. Thank you so much. Totally love your blog & your book!!!

  237. 939
    Maria Lingle

    You’re the best. I hope the rest of your week is better!

  238. Horses only eat rainbows. You’re safe!

  239. I think Victor and Grumpasaur are related – I have this exact conversation with him DAILY. AND, I too am allergic to latex. As in, you’d better bypass the ambu bag and go straight to intubation cause this chick ain’t gonna have an airway in 3 seconds.

    Fun times.

    Julie W recently posted Not my finest moment.

  240. Today, my best friends husband sent me a text to invite me her birthday party this Saturday-yes, that’s two days’ notice. Anyway, he told me it was o their deck so I’m all like, is it black tie? And he’s all what do you mean? And completely sucked the humor out of my joke.

  241. 943
    Michelle

    This post made me giggle silently for a good 5 minutes at work today. So much better than yelling at people or crying. Thanks for making my afternoon a bit better!

  242. Congrats on the En-Why-Tee list, too. Pretty damn awesome — that’s the dream of the 3 million books that were published in 2012 alone. I mean, if books could dream.

  243. Victor sounds like my husband. Phones are evil and I hate them, never seems to work. I don’t understand why we can’t operate in a world with just texting. Isn’t that enough? And we’re married. There is no reason we need to have additional phone conversations during the day. I feel like that’s too much talking. Hope you feel better soon.

    Heather Hopkins recently posted Celebrating life without my father.

  244. I think you and my husband share the same brain, in regards to cell phones.

  245. One day I am going to choke while I’m laughing because of one of your blog entries. :D
    (not that choking makes me smile or anything, I’m just trying to convey that although choking and subsequently dying would suck ass, but there’s no hard feelings because seriously, who does that? it’s like choking on a pretzel)

  246. 948
    Barbara Stoner

    Your blog has helped me get through some rough days and I wish there was a way for me to reciprocate. All that I know I can do is to tell you I hope you week gets better, and there are only two days left in the week.

  247. 949
    ellemichelle

    my phone is there for my convenience. sometimes, i’ll go for days without turning on the ringer. it’s fine, though. it gives folks something to worry about…and some folks need that.

  248. I thought only unicorns ate rainbows. The gal who said that horses do might be mistaken. I’d keep your guard up.
    And also, that is wonderful news. :) Congrats! I hope this is a turning point in your shitty week! <3

    Cathy recently posted Exhaustion and Wardrobe Malfunctions.

  249. 951
    Moxie McQueen

    You’ve got this because you’re Superwoman in curlers. I, on the other hand, am Migraine Girl in sunglasses while in bed. :/

  250. Neil Gaimen does have a new book coming out. That $15 would come in handy.

    Megan recently posted Outdoor pot makeover and then a makeover-makeover.

  251. My husband is trying to work next to me and I’m giggling like a small child reading this… and he seems very angry…

  252. 954
    Beth Parker

    Well, I seriously doubt that I’ll be picked to win since mine is something like the 1,000th comment and you probably quit reading them long ago. I actually have your book on my Kindle where it will remain, always. But, just in case you’re still reading, I would love, love, love to have a signed copy of your book! You are the most awesome author, EVAH!!!

  253. boingy boingy pants

  254. You’re always able to make me laugh. Which is good. Plus, while I struggle with side effects (and just acceptance) of being put on Paxil, I know that I’m not alone and there are others out there who struggle each day. Thank you.

    Tracie recently posted Where I’ve been.

  255. You know, I think Victor should appreciate your consistency. At least you are predictable in your non-answeringness. I bet he can’t say the same for many things.

    Jessi recently posted Wishing I Could Play.

  256. 958
    Brandy Herren

    I really need that “blue canary by the lightswitch” nightlight…I really, really, do.

  257. Hopefully your week will get better. My friend was having a bad week. I made her listen to me read a few of your posts. Victor’s response to the horse bar stools had us laughing out loud.

    Keitha recently posted Memorial Weekend.

  258. Your book is great and a signed copy would be cool!

  259. i accidentally leave my phone at home once every few months. my husband always freaks and says when phone implants come out, i’m getting the first one. i think he’s overreacting. my tours aren’t that long.

  260. 962
    Joanna K.

    Your book was great. Thanks!

  261. Haha! I’m also in the “gets yelled at a lot” group. Phones are just mysterious creatures that are heard only when they want to be heard.

  262. 964
    Cheryl Abraham (Bastet)

    Loved this post. I never answer my phone either. My husband then starts texting me about how worried he is followed by several, “Hello??” texts and “Are you okay??” texts. The madder he gets the more question marks he adds.
    hee hee

  263. (((hugs))) to make your shitty week better

  264. 966
    Victoria

    My boyfriend yells at me ALL the time for not answering my phone! I’m going to try some of these lines next time..

    I absolutely love your blog, and your book! I literally laugh out loud at my desk reading it. My coworkers think (know?) I’m insane. :)

  265. 967
    Laura Beth

    I literally laughed out loud at this post, though that’s really not that uncommon when I’m reading your site.

    Sorry your week has been so terrible, but congratulations on the good news about your book. You seriously deserve it!!

  266. 968
    Nancy Staub

    Congrats on the Book!! It was totally awesome I read it literally in 2 days! Never put it down! Kinda figured your week was shitty, mine too!!! I do hope that kittens don’t expire on Saturday, I love them too much! As for the conversation with Victor?? Does he know my husband?? Seriously You are both made for each other.. I do the same stuff to my husband!!! One time when we had he phones with the 2way thingy, I came over loud and clear… I’M NAKED AND IN OUR BEDROOM WANNA JOIN ME?? Only to find out he was in his bosses office in a meeting with all the managers!!!!! VICTOR SHOULD SO TOTALLY GET ONE OF THOSE STOOLS, JUST BECAUSE!!!!!

  267. Gaiman is wonderful. Your book is great, too Which is why I’d love a shot at the version with the extra chapter, I can feel its absence in my life…

  268. I bought an audio version of your book which was fabulous. If you don’t send me an autographed copy, maybe I’ll just listen to it again and type it while I’m listening, then I can print it out so I’ll have a hard copy.

  269. My husband doesn’t even have a cell phone, and he rarely picks up on mental telepathy either. But the thing is, sometimes he DOES and then I’m so impressed I forget why I was calling. I’m a long-time lurker on your blog and would love to read your book :)

  270. 972
    Jennifer

    I can guarantee you that kittens are not going to be extinct this week. Every fucking female cat we feed out here in the sticks has either already had her kittens or will in the next 3 weeks. Yes, I know Bob Barker would not approve but we live on farm land and I’m one cat away from the crazy cat lady. Anyway kittens are not extinct. They are all here in rural NC.

    Also so glad to know I am not the only one who doesn’t answer their phone. Just because it rings doesn’t mean I have to take action.

  271. Just wanted to say thank you for sharing.

    You make me think and you make me laugh – life is more complete.

    Hope things are getting better for you.

  272. you are a beacon of sunshine. i look forward to reading your blogs everyday.
    i already have your book and don’t really need anything by neil geiman. but to have a signed copy would be the best… i could sell my first copy and give the money i make to a fire-proof orphanage. (see how selfless i am)

  273. 975
    Ann Jones

    I hope this is a bit of happy (that you may have already seen. In which case, it’s still cute):

    http://www.buzzfeed.com/kevintang/owls-with-cat-heads-are-totally-creepy-cute

    Your book would be more than a bit of happy for me!

  274. I laughed my way through your book. You’re terrific, and make me feel sane which is a great thing! Love ya!

  275. You are amazing! You keep us all laughing!

  276. 978
    phronsie

    Oh my gosh, I love Neil Gaiman!!!!

  277. Conversation with Nick after the 35784th time I don’t answer my phone:
    Nick: I’ve heard your ringtone, it’s motherfucking loud! How could you not hear it?
    Me: I could be going deaf. OH GOD, I’m too young to go deaf! I must have some freaky disease! What if going deaf is just the first stage? I’m probably going to die of Freaky Disease Syndrome!
    Nick: You were listening to the new Luke Bryan album weren’t you?
    Me: DON’T JUDGE OUR LOVE! HIS VOICE IS LIKE MELTED BUTTER ON A BISCUIT AND I…….I don’t know how to end that sentence.
    Nick: Thank god for small favors.

    Beth Damiano recently posted Nerves of Steel and the Gaining of Them.

  278. 980
    samantha

    I want your book, but haven’t bought it yet. So REALLY, I haven’t supported you at all. pick me?

  279. My husband thinks it is ok to call me at work, it’s not like I have a JOB or anything. TEXT message men, seriously.

    love your book.

  280. Sorry for the shitty week, but this cracked me up. I am trying now to flip it around on my husband who never answers his phone. It is especially comforting when I call him about something and my purse rings because he is forever stashing his shit in there. Get your own purse, freak!

  281. Did you know that your book is also in 1,891 libraries worldwide? And they said libraries were obsolete…ha!

  282. I sent this to BF. I hope he appreciates it the next time I tell him I didn’t answer his call because I was saving orphans, and that he should probably bring me eggrolls because I would like that.

    Have a good Thursday!

  283. Twice you’ve come to Chicago, and twice I’ve been unable to make it from Milwaukee due to lack of car, lack of funds, or having to work. Pick me so I can have an autographed copy and *pretend* to have met you?

    Or come to Milwaukee and I’ll make the best bison meat loaf you’ve ever had.

    PS I never answer my phone when my husband (or anybody else) calls me either. I’m going to have to use some of these.

  284. Jeez, almost a thousand comments. Getting a book is a lot like winning the lottery at this point…

  285. Neil Gaiman inspired the tattoo I have. Actually, e.e. cummings did, but I wouldn’t have known about him if it weren’t for Neil’s reading of a cummings poem at his wedding, which I wouldn’t have known about had it not been for Amanda Palmer and her blog. Yes….go Neil?

  286. 988
    Becky H.

    I’m going to have to use some of those answers the next time someone complains I don’t answer my phone. I answer my husband’s calls the majority of the time but I always seem to not hear my family’s phone calls. Not on purpose of course!

  287. Dear Jenny — you are AWESOME! That is all…

  288. Gaiman is amazing. So are you.

  289. So I saw a quote from your book on Facebook and everyone was wondering who the author was. A few people ended up knowing and saying what book it was from. I was intrigued. I immediately went to Amazon to purchase the kindle version but….. I am so broke right now. Instead I decided to read your blog. The first day I read it, was the day Hunter S. Thomcat learned how to breathe fire. Love it already! Anyways.. I started from day one of your blog. I just got to today. I don’t know what I’ll do with my spare time anymore :( well today just happened to be payday and now I can buy the book!!! Unless you decide to give me one! I’ll wait for your response ;)

  290. Too funny!! I love this post!!!
    Victor needs a hug…
    ((((((((((Victor)))))))))))))))))

  291. *mumble mumble mumble. mumble mumble*

    Translation: “Wishing you much love and better days” while gagged and bound in abandoned KY warehouse. :-)

  292. 994
    Jessica C

    Thank you for making me smile and laugh today. This post put me in such a better mood! :-)

  293. I don’t have your book. I want to read it. I’d like to read a signed copy…just sayin’

  294. I hate answering the phone.

  295. 997
    Ellen Falkenberry

    My dog is not a pencil box.

    Sincerely,

    Ellen

  296. As of my clicking you have 900 notes, EVEN, so I almost didn’t leave one. But then I realized by the time I hit “submit” ten other people will have left comments too. So I feel better. Also, I am Victor this time. It’s a weird feeling because normally I totally empathize with you.

  297. 999
    Jennifer

    I think you are so funny. I cannot tell you how significant the laughter you have afforded me over the past (difficult) year has been. Thank you for doing what you do. It matters. I would be honored to have a signed copy of your book.

  298. SEVENTY-FOUR, not ten. That’s insane.

  299. If orange juice is both a descriptive of the color and the fruit it is made from, why isn’t grape juice called purple?

    ColinP recently posted Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012).

  300. 1002
    Heather

    I have a very similar conversation with my Victor about 5x a week. Apparently, I’m to spend all my time staring at the phone waiting for his face to pop up on the screen. I’m assuming the fairies will take care of the laundry, cooking, dishes, garden, cleaning…oh, and my job. Maybe he’s secretly building a robot to handle all of those things. Actually, if he would build a robot to handle all of those things, he might be able to convince me to hold onto the phone at all times anxiously awaiting his calls…I think I just found my new comeback to his complaints.

    Oh and I would love to have your book!

  301. The school nurse could call. That’s why you should always answer your phone. Child guilt, much better than husband guilt and it’s for real. Answer your phone Jenny, it could be the school nurse calling. your friend, Laurie F.

    Laurie F. recently posted Haiku Heights: Change.

  302. This post turned my seriously shitty day into a not so seriously shitty day. I laughed out loud. That hasn’t happened in awhile. Thank you for that.

    I’m allergic to the adhesive in tape as well… and bandages… It’s a sad existence. It makes fixing wounds even more hazardous and deadly and wrapping Christmas presents oh so un cheerful

    Heather recently posted Re: The Shitty Days.

  303. I really want to read your book…but am too cheap to buy one. So. I’ll just keep entering your contests.

  304. MOOOO!!!! I want a copy!

    Feralucce recently posted New Me-A-Day – Click for More.

  305. My husband and I have had these same conversations SO MANY TIMES! I was totally you though.

  306. I cannot even tell you how well I identify with this…I’m TERRIBLE at answering my phone. I am laughing SO MUCH right now.

  307. the odds are not particularly in my favor but i can’t afford your book and our library has yet to bless their shelves with a copy which leaves me one option: wait until I am picked as your signed book winner. cheers, and thanks for the laughs, as always. :)

    april recently posted Nine Months!.

  308. Do you need a distraction? Oh, no, probably not. I just wanted you to see my art work.
    Seriously, though, thank you for the smile. I have a few nasties going on this week, too.

    Jeanne K. recently posted Namaskar.

  309. So, it isn’t the same as your shitty week. And it doesn’t include my face being eaten off by horses. But it is almost as strange.
    I have been having simple partial seizures all week. And two of the signals I get that lets me know that seizures are imminent are 1) my left eye starts to twitch like a rabid crack whore and 2) my entire face goes completely numb. Like so completely numb that it FEELS LIKE I AM WEARING SOMEONE ELSE’S FACE.
    Now, many people have asked me how I know what that feels like, and I swear I’m not some weird serial killer that goes around wearing other peoples’ faces. But, the feeling is so strange, I can think of no other way to describe it.
    I also don’t ever answer my phone. What if the person on the other end isn’t who they say they are? What if it is The Silence, and they are trying to get me to do things? Bad things?
    Also, did you know that today is National Mint Julep day?

  310. Sorry you’re in the shits, lovey. There’s always magic around the corner. Or shit. Probably the first one. Either way, bring waders.
    xoxo

    joules recently posted 28 Days Later.

  311. 1013
    Helliona

    Shit must be going ’round. Watch John Barrowman sing in drag. It’s amazing.

  312. 1014
    gerri willis

    Padded surf bras!

  313. Ok, yes I really want a signed copy of your book…cause that’s just awesome. But even before I got to that part I was premeditating my comment just so I can toss my lot in with you and say I never answer my phone either. And, yes, it drives people nuts. I’m not sure if I’m lazy, phone-phobic or extremely anti-social…or a mix of all three, but there it is. My phone will wind up stuck to my ankle too eventually. :)

    Michelle recently posted Never Underestimate the Power of Incontinence.

  314. 1016
    Robin Glossner

    Thank you for just posting what may be the funniest blog post I ever read.

  315. Shitty weeks suck. I hope it stops sucking!

  316. Way to keep him on his toes. I want your book sooo bad , but I’m broke. So winning it would work out perfectly. Congrats on your success with the book!

  317. Congratulations on being on the best seller list for 3 months. That is quite an accomplishment I do hope your week gets better. I think your next book should be your conversations with Victor.

  318. 1020
    suzi grant

    you are totally, awesomely, hysterically brilliant. thanks for all the laughs!

  319. If I give *you* $15, would you record my voicemail message? Because that would be awesome.

    Dana the Biped recently posted Hops in the Right Direction: Summer Camp.

  320. I wish I could ignore my phone as well as you. I hate my phone. Hermitude sounds fun.

    Allison recently posted The Most Interesting Cats in the World?.

  321. 1023
    Cate Benda

    The best thing about the iPhone is that you can answer a call with a text message so you never have to talk to anyone. It has preset texts, like “Can’t talk right now…I’ll call you later”. You can also create custom replies, like “Can’t talk right now…I’m rescuing orphans from a fire”. This feature alone is worth the price of the phone.

  322. This sounds like conversations I have with my gf…

  323. 1025
    Jodi T.

    I hate that you are having a shitty week!!! Pisses me off ;)

    Hope it gets better.

  324. 1026
    Krystin

    My dog Orion will lay so still that i really think hes dead.
    So i start to freak out and gently call his name and he will violently wag his tail but his body will still be dead.

  325. Bwah!! First time poster long time reader. Took me 4 times to type my email address because I was still laughing. And now everyone in the waiting room at my son’s OT appointment thinks I’m one of “those moms”. Thanks for the laugh!

  326. Jenny: I don’t think you understand Victor, the Doctor Who theme is my ringtone.
    Victor: What?
    Jenny: If I answer, the music stops, and the Daleks win.
    Victor: I can’t even…

    Geoffrey @realgtaylor recently posted Public Speaking.

  327. 1029
    Jeanine

    All of my friends always complain that I never answer my phone, so glad it is not just me. Phone is in my purse when it’s not just turned off, they’re just annoying when you don’t need them. Nothing life threatening ever happens. But they get so testy when I do it. Not sure why they are surprised since I used to turn off the ringer on the land line.

  328. I am totally reposting this!!!

  329. Hi Jenny! Sorry your week has been shitty, but thanks for making my days more interesting!

  330. I have had the exact type of discussion. I’m not sure why I used to be able to live peacefully w/out a cell phone and now that I have one I have to answer it or the world is going to end.

  331. I love your site and was so happy when I got my hands on a copy of your book here in South Africa – and then to discover that a friend of mine in Botswana is addicted to your book too… Also, only anally retentive people answer their phones first time round.

  332. I was going to say something stupidly amazing and witty and immediately forgot it. Like, I reached for the mouse to click on “comment” and it was GONE. Absolutely no idea what I was going to say. I remember liking it, though. I hope your week gets better. :) <3

    Chi recently posted Greetings and salutations!.

  333. 1035
    Daniele

    I don’t answer the phone either, but it’s because I suffer from telephobia. The phone gives me incredible, inexplicable anxiety. I much prefer internet communication. :)

  334. I only found your blog last week and it’s so awesome I’ve been steadily reading my way back through the archives. Which probably sounds like I’m a creepy blog-stalker which I promise I’m not. Although that’s just what a creepy blog-stalker WOULD say…

    Anyway, I would love a copy of your book! May the random number generator smile upon me and upon you!

  335. OMG you have got to be the funniest person on the planet, does Victor know how lucky he is? Mostly…..

    Tammye

  336. Sorry you have had a shitty week. Loved your book though and I’d love to share it with a friend (mine is on my Kindle).

  337. I’m sorry you’re having a shitty week. If it makes you feel any better, I get yelled at often (My wife, my mother, my sisters, my co-workers, my friends…) for not answering (or even carrying) my phone.

  338. I’m relatively sure no one has ever had their face eaten by a horse – at least, I couldn’t find it on Google. On the other hand, it might make an interesting episode of Doctor Who… Picture this: We’re back in Victorian London, where we discover a carnivorous-horse-headed breed of aliens has crash landed into the estate of Bertram Hayden Gusterfield, whose face becomes their first on-planet meal. The episode would (of course) be titled “Hayden is for Horses”

    We should totally pitch this to Neil. I’m sure he’s been waiting for the chance to write about a face-eating-horse (of course). OH and LIGHTBULB!! THE HORSES COULD ALL BE WEARING FEZES!! (Fezi? what’s the plural of Fez, anyway?)

    Tori Deaux recently posted Step One: Fall Down. (Ink & Pastel).

  339. 1041
    krista michael

    I think you should spend a day calling Victor. All day long. Space the calls about 5 minutes apart. Eventually you’ll catch him in the bathroom, driving, eating, trying to talk to other people, in an elevator, etc. See how long he continues to answer on the first ring. When he starts to lose it you can always tell him you were just demonstrating your love and had the overwhelming urge to feel close to him. He sounds like such a great guy but honestly, so what if you don’t speak for a few hours? It’s sort of like when a toddler and the dogs follow you into the bathroom or stand in the doorway to it, waiting for you. Where do they think you’re going to go? Do they honestly think you need help in there?

  340. Yeah? Well my thirteen year old daughter won’t let me listen to the radio in my own car. And my book has NEVER been on any best selling lists. Talk about depressed. I already have your book – but I could give it to my friend so she would think I’m important. It’s so hard having to continually impress my friend…

    Kate George recently posted The Pintester Movement – Bird Bath.

  341. I’ve been meaning to get your book but I haven’t because I suck but I do like taxidermied animals. Does that help????

  342. I think you need to just set your answering message to something like “Hi honey. Mmm? Uh huh. Okay, listen I gotta go I love you buy!” There problem solved.

    Holly Folly recently posted Building a Hay Storage Structure- the Digging..

  343. Lol! I love this one. Why doesn’t he just text you? That way when you are done saving the orphans, you can just answer him rather than him calling every few minutes.

  344. 1046
    deafgimp

    I have no brain today, Ikept hitting enter too soon.

    I plan to read your book the day before my next ketamine treatment, in hopes of influencing my hallucinations. The last few times I had drag queens, Adiposeans, winter goblins (from faceoff) and time bandit monsters, plus Game of Thrones, and they smove and have patterns like the peacock in the video of Grace Jones singing La Vie en Rose (where she’s dressed as a rose!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpVpbaNDjCI

  345. If its any consolation, I hate answering my phone. Unless its my daughter. Who is awesome and loves you as much as me.

    Still, I think you need to mess with Victors head and start answering your phone on the first ring.

    You can also get one of those hands free headset things and. LT. Uhura costume because those stupid headsets totally remind me of her headset from the original Star Trek.

  346. Is it difficult for you, that your shitty week, becomes something people read for entertainment? You have a special gift Jenny, thanks for making me smile, even when you are at risk for horse face eating. Your public loves you.

  347. Factiod for the day: Turtles can breathe through their assholes. And probably answer cell phones as well

  348. Also having a shite day and seeing you have posted lifted my spirits! A lunch of Doritos and a coke is also helping. Stress eat much?? Naw

  349. your not answering the phone conversations had me in giggles. I’m keeping my fingers crossed your week gets better. But try not to say things like “this is the worst”, because in my experience the universe loves to prove to me it isn’t be providing something much worse.

    Right now I’m trying to figure out what this small clear plastic piece in a plastic bag is for. The answer usually appears to me after I’ve thrown it out and the trash has been hauled away.

  350. 1052
    Leslie Ann Thomsen

    You make my day!

  351. 1053
    Kathy B

    Thanks for keeping us realizing that we aren’t the “only ones”.

  352. Adore Neil Gaiman !! Since my local branch of library had copy your book, so I aready read it. But I know a up coming B-day girl would love it.

  353. I never answer my texts but always answer my phone. Release the kracken!

  354. Hi there, me again!! I never answer my phone either. Apparently it drives my family nuts too :)

    Emily recently posted Rainbow Fabric Fun: BOM Stringy Stars.

  355. 1057
    Elizabeth M.

    I hope your week gets better instead of worse. <3

  356. 1058
    Samantha layman

    Orphans really should be fireproof.

  357. OK, so here’s my thought. If you’re going to tell us that things are horribly shitty, and then the next week they are still shitty to the point where kittens don’t exist, then TELL US WHAT IS GOING ON!!
    You tell us you are having these horrible chest pains but we never find out what happened.
    You’re like me in college, calling my mother in despair that everything is horrible and miserable. And then she worries and worries because I don’t tell her WHAT IS GOING ON.
    You’re like a big misery tease, basically.

  358. To you getting your face eaten off by horses, I say, “Neigh!”

  359. Holy CRAP Balls!!!!
    1) First, please tell us more about Rolly. I feel like we do not even know this kitty who we see playing with Ferris and Hunter.
    2) I have had such a tough week that on my lunch break, I decided to go into the empty quiet dark conference room and take a nap on the floor behind the large table. It is in those moments when insomia and migraines make you do weird things on a Thursday.
    3) Hope your week gets better, too. or you find a large table to nap under.

    Sarah recently posted May Oh May.

  360. Oh, how I needed this today! Hope your week ends on a decidedly non-shitty note!

    Shannon Not Sharon recently posted What’s that you say?.

  361. I bet you answer the phone more often than my teen does. I don’t think he gets that it does more than send and receive text messages.

  362. 1064
    Rebecca Emmm

    You’re fantastically funny! I’d love a book.

  363. Tell you what, you give me the book, I’ll make sure it gets left in a hospital waiting room, where people could really use a good laugh. :)

    Luna (@Heading_West) recently posted God doesn't think She's a doctor, so how come doctors think they're God?.

  364. Glad for something happy in an otherwise shitty week for you. I’ve got bronchitis, but on a happy note, I work at a job where I was able to take a day off with no worries so that I could nap and then sit on the couch and eat ice cream while I read blogs.

    Misty recently posted App review: Gympact.

  365. 1067
    Shannon

    Hope your week gets better!

  366. Save the kittens!

  367. LOL! I’m sharing this with my husband….he always wonders why I don’t answer my phone, too. I’m going to have to start using some of your responses!

  368. 1070
    Shannon

    Hope your day/week gets better!

  369. 1071
    Rachel!

    I already have your book…but I want the extra chapters from the new version!!! In honour of you I might go out and buy a book by Neil anyways.

  370. 1072
    Samantha

    You seriously crack me up. Usually the highlight of my day when I see a new post in my news feed. Keep it up!

  371. bahaha this is hilarious! I gotta read your book regardless now!

    Stephanie recently posted Swords of the Caribbean: I hate packing, yes I do, I hate packing, how ’bout you?.

  372. 1074
    Leigh Ann Davison

    Thanks for turning me on to Chris Hadfield. That guy is rad. And he sings good. I know that’s grammatically incorrect.

  373. I’m totally with Victor on this one :)

  374. I got yelled at yesterday by both my boss and my mother for not answering my phone. :(

  375. I hope the week gets better!

  376. Your blog always makes my day less shitty! Thanks for always sharing and I’d love a signed copy of your book since I missed you when you were in Denver. Also, Douche Canoe is my new favorite word thanks to you!

  377. I just had a conversation about whether or not I’m too adult to be bothered by having just molten chocolate cake for dinner tomorrow. The verdict is no. This made me think of you.

  378. but I HATE my electronic leash (ie: phone). I don’t WANT to answer it. Besides, it should make my time seem that much more valuable since its hard to come by.

  379. 1081
    Rebecca

    Love your book. And would love a signed copy.

  380. This is me and my husband with roles reversed. I so close to throwing his phone against the wall the other day.
    There is always an excuse – dead battery, left in the car, left it at home, etc. – it is never his fault. Grrrrrr. Shit
    now I’m mad at him again and I didn’t even call him yet today. : X

  381. 1083
    A different Sue

    I’m so desperate for potato chips and dip (which I don’t have) I’m eating water crackers and blue cheese dressing. Lame.

  382. Girl, I love the way your mind works. :) Sending love and hugs and hoping your week continues to lighten up.

  383. 1085
    Shannon

    My English teacher raves about your book all the time!

  384. Okay. There are so many comments that I can’t be sure, but I think that I am the only person that recognized your cry for help in the last phone conversation even though you clearly alluded to the fact in an earlier conversation that if you answered the phone right away that was a sure sign you are being held hostage. So, I have called 911 and informed them that they need to go find you. It might take awhile since I don’t know where you live, and you might not actually even be where you live because that would be a stupid place to hold you hostage. It also might take awhile because they may not have believed me…

    whatimeant2say recently posted Is it Racist to Call Your Plant “Afro”?.

  385. 1087
    Musing Bookworm

    Jenny Lawson, you are my quick thinking, metal chicken having, Dr Who loving, Big Goddamn Hero.

    Musing Bookworm recently posted Enchanted Book Tours – Curvaceous Condemnation – Excerpt.

  386. I HAVE BEEN TRYING FORWVER TO WIN ONE!

    Why is this in caps? !I DONT KNOW.

  387. Since I refuse to talk on a phone, at all, because I can’t speak coherently I am always amazed and humored when my phone rings, which is no more than once or twice a month. I do, however, get an abundance of texts about stuff that really doesn’t need a response most of the time…in my opinion anyway.

    On an entirely personal note, I can’t thank you enough for your humor! You rock!

    Sam recently posted The ALS Registry....

  388. 1090
    Christina

    My mother instantly goes into panic mode if I don’t answer my phone/call her back immediately, even though we’ve had multiple conversations about how I won’t answer the phone if I’m driving and also the fact that I turn off the ringer if I’m with other people. I am 32.

  389. So witty – i love it. :-)

    Lauren recently posted A Legend is Lost.

  390. 1092
    Veronica

    After some depressing things this morning, this post was a great laugh. Thank you!

  391. 1093
    Michelle Hicks

    Jenny, I wish I could direct all of my husbands questions to you! It would be so awesome!! I might get more of what I want that way since he’d probably get so frustrated that he’d just give up! But seriously though, Thank You for always being there to make me smile. I tell everyone about your book and that you use the F word in it so much it makes me want to buy extras to hand out because the world really needs more people who aren’t so up-tight about everything. Seriously, more people need 5 foot tall cocks in their yard!! Maybe thats what you should give away (not yours obviously but one like it) Oh! Pick me!

  392. 1094
    Katrina

    I would love a signed book! Just saying….pretty please!

  393. 1095
    rissatoo

    I just laughed so hard I choked on my gum. And I’m smiling about it. :)

    Thank you for making me smile all the time, Jenny. And the rest of the time? You make me want to hug you. So here’s some great big (((HUGGLES))). I hope they fit. ;)

  394. 1096
    Alisha Parker

    I locked myself in the bathroom so that my spawn would give me the few minutes I needed to read this. That definitely deserves a signed copy.
    Alisha

  395. I love reading about you and Victor. He is the perfect guy for you :D

  396. I never answer the phone. Whoever it is has to tell me who they are so I know if I want to talk to them or not. My husband and youngest have learned from me. Our vm is filled with, “Hello, it’s me….pick up.” The only bad thing is when we don’t clear out the left messages there is fifty some odd messages that begin with, “It’s me…pick up.” We do get the occasional marketer, doctor’s office, friend or relative who get lost in the mix. Sometimes the relatives get peeved but I’m like if you don’t call me enough for me to recognize your number it’s your fault that I’m not picking up.

    I’ve got your book so just donate to your fav charity for me if I’m randomly picked which never happens. I guess I’ll just have to give to one of the groups helping with displaced animals due to the tornado in OK. Already gave for the humans.

    Peace.

    Angela recently posted Ready For A Valentine’s Day Concert?.

  397. 1099
    Michael

    My wife just tells the kids- text. I was wondering how that works between you and your husband
    Michael

  398. I just spent a few wonderful moments laughing myself silly over your not-answering-the-phone post. Laughter’s VERY helpful when you’re 75 and hurt all over! THANK YOU!!!

    eArThworm recently posted Four more A.T. books added.

  399. i would quit everything if kittens became extinct.

  400. I would rather buy your book, because you’re awesome. One you sign is just a bonus!

  401. 1103
    Tiffszoo

    So sorry about your shitty week but thank you for making mine better! One of my favorite posts!

  402. 1104
    Amanda D

    I pooped today!!!

  403. 1105
    Christy G

    I can’t be funny. Because if these goddamn migraines don’t stop I swear on Barbara Walters that I am just going to cut my head off…

    At least you make me laugh and sure it doesn’t help the headache but it does help my sanity. Which is fleeting…

    Hugs (that linger just a little too long :) )

  404. Ok, I clicked on a link from a friend’s FB post to read this and I am crying I am laughing so hard. I need to get your book so I can keep laughting this hard. Please choose me! ;-)

  405. Ok, I clicked on a link from a friend’s FB post to read this and I am crying I am laughing so hard. I need to get your book so I can keep laughing this hard. Please choose me! ;-)

  406. 1108
    Jessie-Mae

    Thank you for being hilarious, amazing, and relateable. Some days, the worst days, i just spend hours reading back over your blog with a cat on my shoulder and a puppy at my side, thats my paradise.

  407. 1109
    Lindsay T

    I totes don’t dig that Gaga song, but this is just like that. But with less loud music. And more allergic reactions. And at least as much alcohol.

  408. 1110
    Rebecca Wagschal

    Thanks so much for your blog/book my father and I can relate on very little. I saw your book on his bed side table while looking for loose change and took the book instead. We laughed for the first time together in 3 years (the last time being when my brother chewed through his head phones and electrocuted himself.)

  409. I don’t even have a cell phone, that is how much I hate talking on the phone!

    KaraB recently posted McNutty in the house!.

  410. Borrowed your book from a friend, had never read your blog before but loving it. Feel like I am reading stories about myself and my husband. And here I thought we were the only crazy ones. :-)

  411. Don’t answer the phone. If it was really important he’d send a text.

  412. Have you considered Pineapple as a safe word?

  413. Ha! I forget to answer my phone too. I should start using some of your reasons to make it more interesting ;-) I hope your week gets much better.

  414. This has got to be one of the funniest things I’ve read this week.
    And you and my husband might be the same person. NEVER answers his phone, then gets mad when the opportunity for ice cream passes because I didn’t keep calling after the tenth time.

    Bree recently posted BEDiM: Story from Childhood.

  415. I feel like such a moron- my first post seems to have been deleted and then I realized- you just posted what sounded like “I killed my cat and had my kids watch.” I should go hide in the closet now. Really, I loved today’s post. It made me smile after my beloved first cat had a stroke and we had to say goodbye to her. My twins got to be there to say goodbye.

    Alright. I’m mortified now. Must stop typing. Need some pills and a wine slushy to make it all go away.

  416. I’m sorry you’re having a crappy week but I just thought you’d like to know, you make me laugh and cry and have all the feels with your writing. I hope that helps a little.

    Also, I would love a signed copy of your book. It would keep me warm on the lonely, cold Minnesota winter nights. But not from burning it or anything.

    kalkette recently posted Return from the Long Weekend.

  417. 1119
    smallninja

    Can I just leave this comment to talk about how I started reading your comments and saw the name Amanda and immediately thought of Amanda Bynes. Maybe if she had a copy of your book she’d be less crazy. Also, I only have your book in kindle form, and I would totally love to have it in real book form.

  418. I think it would be a splendid surprise to temporarily remove all modern conveniences, along with the cell phone, and the ability to be reached at all times. For instance, not only would you not be available via phone, but you would also no longer have running water, electricity, or credit cards. You might borrow a loom for weaving, or a butter churn. You could even employ a postmaster on a horse to deliver the mail, and possibly, be the way in which your family must communicate with you for the duration of the surprise. It would be educational, and possibly institute gratitude at all of the ways in which conveniences, and indeed your own attention, are typically readily available. Also, I would love to read about it :)

  419. I’m having a pretty emotional week too since I’m moving away from friends and family to pursue my dreams. So I just wanted to say from the bottom of my heart, thanks for being an inspiration. You make me feel like even the biggest, most absurd dreams are possible. Luckily I’ve had the privilege of meeting you and getting a signed copy of your book, so give this copy to the less fortunate. I just simply wanted to say thank you Jenny Lawson!

    Tarl recently posted Things That I Accomplished While Charming Was Away.

  420. Okay, so, I guess I’m a little late to this party. But I prefer to think of it as making a fashionable entrance.

    TA-DAH!!! *twinkle*

    Did I win? ;)

  421. 1st of all, why does victor think phones are used for talking? get with it dude , TEXT only. also i knew you and i were alike i CANT BELIEVE YOU ARE ALSO ALLERGIC TO LATEX?! THANK GOD IM NOT THE ONLY FREAK.

    ON OTHER NEWS I LOVE YOU THATS ALL.

    HII HAILEY!!!

  422. After a day full of ugh’s, this finally forced a smile out of me. Thanks!

  423. I feel you on the shitty week. I mean, not as shitty as yours, but I DID just find out I’m gluten sensitive and will probably never again eat real cake. Bitter, bitter tears.

  424. Pick me, please!

  425. 1127
    Shannon Fielding

    Hope your week gets better. ((Hugs))

  426. 1128
    Mark Young

    Thanks very much for starting an argument between my partner and me; he thinks you are hilarious but totally refuses to see my side of the matter when his calls don’t get through.

  427. 1129
    knaidel

    Books are good, yeah.

  428. 1130
    Jennifer

    You are the highlight of my blog reading day. My husband calls me Jenny too. And I NEVER answer my phone. We should totally hang out sometime. Ha!!

  429. 1131
    KIAHRAIN

    Personally, this is my favorite post of yours yet. It is like you are not answering my phone for me. And, thank you.

  430. I would love to win a copy of your book. I’ve given it as gifts to three different people now. They all love it too.

    Malin recently posted #CBR5 Book 54. "Shadow's Claim" by Kresley Cole.

  431. read your blog every day…it lightens my heart every time. reading your book right now and already have 3 friends begging me to lend it to them next. i am from a Vermont commune originally so i relate to all of your experiences so well…i even had a taxidermy conversation YESTERDAY!…just wanted to say how much i look forward to your blog and the smiles…keep up the amazing work…you rock!

  432. Ha. I love this. Answering the phone is overrated.

  433. I’m giving your week the stinky eye. Hopefully that will intimidate it into behaving for what’s left of it ;)

    I already have your book but… signed copy!!!! That would be the best. Unless you are secretly planning to do a signing in Spain to which I could go to meet you and get my copy signed. In that case, *that* would be the best, and winning here the signed copy would be second best.

  434. 1136
    Kimberly

    Really, people? Fresh, whole rabbit and yodeling pickles???? That’s what you are searching Amazon for? (OK, the pickle is kind of fun, but I just can’t get past the fact that it looks like the Incredible Hulk’s dismembered thumb.)

    Anyway, I apparently don’t answer my phone as often as my husband would like either…

  435. 1137
    Kristina

    SQUIRRELS!!!!!!!

  436. I hope your day gets better.

  437. 1139
    mosaic99

    even if i already had a copy of your book i’d still want a signed one :)

  438. 1140
    allison

    I never answer my phone because I CAN”T GET TO IT IN TIME!!! Stupid purse.

  439. 1141
    SaltyAnn

    My mom never answers her phone. I will remember your responses next time I think she is doing it to spite me.

    p.s. Love you love your show.

  440. 1142
    Sandy G.

    I don’t answer the phone either. It’s always someone wanting me to do something. Feh!

  441. I sympathize w/ Victor. My hubs never answer his phone lol I hope your week gets better

  442. 1144
    Mary Snowden

    I told my hubby our keyword in case of kidnapping should totally be pineapples!!! I eman, that way they would just think we were all kinky like that LOL

  443. Jenny, if I knew you in person I’m quite sure we’d be best friends. :)

  444. Naked squirrels are trying to brainwash me.

  445. 1147
    Mittnay

    1) I don’t answer my phone either. Or listen to voice mail. There’s a perfect number which will cause me to answer/listen. That number is somewhere after 3 calls – but less than 6 calls. Because if there are 6 messages? It probably means it’s something icky I don’t want to deal with. And if it’s 3 or fewer messages, then it’s not really important, is it?
    2.) My day was fairly shitty too – and this water leaking out of my eyes and creating rivulets down my face isn’t improving the day either. Or my instance that I AM OK, QUIT LOOKING AT ME.

  446. I just finished your book this week….OMG! It was so funny! I kept reading it out loud to my hubby. I would love to win a signed copy! I hope your week gets better. Mine has not been good either, good thing I had your book to cheer me up!

  447. 1149
    Brittany

    At least you’re still sexy, witty and charming. That should take some of the edge off of general life-suckery. Quick! Go put on a red dress and eat some cake with your hands. And take photos. And remember that you are amazing!

  448. 1150
    Susan B

    I just discovered your blog this week! I would love your book, to read when I’m not reading ALL your past posts.

  449. So we went to a book signing by Mary Roach in Berkeley. My daughter was (for some reason) bored, and griped “Why couldn’t we go to something good? Why didn’t we go see the Bloggess??”
    So I think you should pick me for the free book! :)

  450. 1152
    Pamela moulder

    Why can’t he just text? Or are you bad at answering texts?

  451. I already have your book and I don’t need $15 but I just wanted to say that no matter how shitty my day is, your humor makes it better. I cried at work today (and I am a MIDWESTERNER of stoic GERMAN descent so that is SERIOUS) but reading this blog post made me smile. Thank you!

  452. I think I have a girl-crush on you. Is that weird? My name is Jenny, too, which might make it weirder, because then it’s almost like I have a crush on myself. Which makes me glad you’re a real person, because at least then I’m not just some narcissistic weirdo.

  453. Your blog cracks me up!!!!!

  454. Sorry it’s been sort of shitty this week. I hope you’re able to muck out the shit soon. Or maybe you could hire Hailey to do it for you. Kids will usually work for a buck or two. Hang in there, we love you!

  455. 1157
    Heather M

    Good God, woman – you’re brilliant! Wish I could think of creative comebacks like that on the spot instead of 10 minutes later when they’re no f-ing good to me anymore. ;)
    Just tell Victor when he stops buying houses without telling you, you’ll start answering the phone. :D

  456. technically i think horses will go extinct first and kittens will eat your face off. everyone knows your house cats will eat you when you die. also i want to win a book!

  457. I already have your book and it is awesome!! I hope you sell enough for Victor to retire so that instead of phone stalking you he can just come into your office and stare at you until you pay attention to him. That is what my husband, son and two cats do to me. Thanks for sharing your wit with us. I hope next week is a lot better than this one and if not there is always wine.

    A couple of years ago for Mother’s Day my husband made me some business cards and designated me an International Woman of Awesome. I think you are an I.W.O.A. too. :-D

  458. I’d really like to win a copy of your book so I can read it. I bought it for my friend because she also loves your blog. Though, she doesn’t seem to love your blog enough to get a feed reader, she just depends on me to email her the link whenever you post something new. So, I bought her the book, but I have not given it to her yet. It’s wrapped & ready for me to give to her since she is moving away, & I figured it would make a nice gift for her, but the longer the book sits on my shelf waiting to be given away, the more & want to open it & pretend that it’s a gift from her to me. Though, she’d probably never buy it for me, she’d probably just wait for me to buy it for her & then decide that I’d rather keep it for myself. Maybe I should just keep it afterall. But then she’d be like, “Hey, where’s my gift? I’m moving away & you didn’t get me anything?” It would really simplify my life if I could just win a copy of my very own…

  459. Love it. Sent it to my husband. I’m the Jenny, he’s the Victor. He and Victor should hang out.
    That would mean you and I could hang out :-)
    Congratulations on your amazing book.

  460. As much as I love Neil Gaiman, I gave my hard cover copy of your book to my son and his wife, so I would LOVE to get a second copy. And my husband didn’t think this was funny at all (probably because I never answer the phone – my ring tone for him is a clock ticking sound because he’s so effing offended when I don’t whip it out). Hugs!

  461. Victor and my husband have a lot in common. My phone was ringing as I was typing, I considered ignoring it.

  462. 1164
    sskipstress

    My best friend lost his phone at a funeral, probably in the grave. I like to think that his zombie grandmother will be able to text him when she re-animates.

  463. 1165
    Alanna S

    I’m sorry your week has been shitty.

    I feel like I want to give you a hug. But I’ll remember right before I actually hug you, that I’m not a touchy feely person and don’t like touching strangers. But it will be too late to do anything about it, so I’ll be left awkwardly hugging you not knowing when to un hug you because if I do it too quickly I don’t want it to seem like I don’t WANT to hug you and you might think you smell or something. Then the hug will go on way longer than appropriate which will end up weird as well and then I won’t know what to say afterwards and I’ll be standing there shifting from foot to foot clearing my throat waiting for you to say something to break the silence.

    Will a virtual hug be acceptable? If so, please accept this virtual hug.

  464. Desperate for a copy of your book! Only just discovered you a month ago and my husband and I ended up snort laughing at dead animal stories at one in the morning while staying with people we didn’t really know and couldn’t risk explaining that sometimes dead, stuffed animals are hilarious.

  465. Thank you for the laughs and making me feel like I am not the only crazy person in the world!

  466. 1168
    Meredith

    I have had a shitty week, too! My husband moved to TX to try to find a job, so I’ve got all 3 kids to myself. One of my 3yos has been a “barfcano” for the past couple of days, and they other 2 have colds. Also my phone got stolen, but I got it back (yay, humans!). So it’s a mixed bag and I really shouldn’t be whining.

  467. My husband almost never calls me, but nearly every time he does, I miss the call. Mostly because I just carry my cellphone now so I can tweet funny things while waiting at train crossings, and to make myself feel better when I have to poop while out in public (by tweeting about it). I have no friends, so I never expect anything to come in to it. The no friends thing might be correlated to the pooping thing.

    JRose recently posted Pintester Movement - Cheese Porn.

  468. The cell phone is responsible for the decline of polite society. Tell Victor you’re just protesting the smart-phone culture!

  469. OH MY GOD! I LOVE the conversations that you and Victor have – seriously.

    Gigi recently posted Today my heart hurts...a lot..

  470. My dog has been barking at the neighbors all day. Normally I try to make him stop. But they have a new trampoline, and their kids have been yelling on it all day. So, for today, I’m calling it even.

  471. 1173
    Thalia Miller

    I was losing it on this post. I have to share the page because this is so me. I mean the not-answering my phone part, not the funny, make me choke on my cranberry juice part. I’m just not that funny. Anyway, good stuff. Thanks for the laughs and the contest too.

  472. poop monkeys…

  473. 1175
    Shawn K

    Yeah I am the Victor too, although my hubby usually does answer, and when he does not it is because he left his phone in the other room, but then I am like what if I broke down or such and such.

  474. Obviously your week can be fixed by going on a mission to save all the kittens. Or at least as many kittens as you can find. Or at least make a “Save the Kittens” rubber bracelet thingy. You should probably just make it kitties though, to be inclusive; you wouldn’t want to seem ageist.

  475. This was hilarious – I think I’ve had similar (but maybe not so funny) conversations with my husband on a daily basis. Congrats on the bestsellers list!!

  476. Ahahaha I love this. I am awful at answering the phone and it drives people mad. I;m even worse on answering machines. The other day I left a message that ended with, “I’m really sorry this message sucks so much, I’m awful at talking to machines that listen to me.”

    I don’t even know.

    Oh – and I already have your book because it is excellent :-)

  477. I would love to read your book! I’ll bring it with me to read at the Science Fiction bookshop where I work in Stockholm, Sweden and it can hang out with all the Neil Gaiman books, and the sonic screwdrivers, and the Harry Potter wands. Your book NEEDS to be read by all the Swedish nerds! We love your blog!

  478. Y’all should totally have code words. DearHusband and I started doing that when we worked festival security years ago.

    Kelley Metzger recently posted Bout of Books 7.0 Goals.

  479. I have these same conversations but it is me asking my husband why he never answers his phone when I call. Normally it is because he gets tired of me calling to discuss every insane idea that pops into my head. I am also sorry you have had a shitty week and I hope things start to get better.

  480. FFS — it’s not like you’ve lost the damned phone. Can’t that man (or my DH for that matter) cut some slack, Jack???????

    lizandrsn at aohell-dot-commie

  481. Can’t talk….gotta finish peeing & change :P

    You rock

    Kim recently posted Life Update.

  482. 1184
    Michele

    I’m sorry it’s been a shitty week.I

  483. 1185
    Julanne Lorimor

    You always make my day! thank you for the laughter and complete understanding of those of us in this world who view things “differently”.

  484. 1186
    Lori Lindsay

    Hope your week improves! I get to spend the next two days sitting in the hot/ humid / possibly stormy great outdoors while my husband drag races. I always answer when he calls, but I rarely answer for anyone else.

  485. I feel like the last one to the party. Hope your week gets less crappy and kittens never go extinct. I don’t answer phones, either. Because I’m busy doing other crap.

  486. 1188
    Annette

    I am so glad to hear it! Congratulations and I NEVER turn my ringer on, so I NEVER answer it…

  487. So… 2 snowmen are sitting together, when suddenly one turns to the other and says: “Hey! Do you smell carrots?!”
    That is my random comment.
    Please can I win a book now?

  488. Love your blog! I couldn’t even get my husband to carry a cellphone until this year and that is only because he is jobhunting! But even though he now has one, he never answers it either. Would love your book and I don’t have it yet! Please pick me!

  489. ME!! :) Please and thank you! I would love to buy an episode of Doctor Who written by Neil!!

  490. 1192
    suzanne

    I’d love to read your book! :)

  491. You are amazing. This post totally made my day. And my co-workers wonder what is wrong with me as I laugh far too loudly at my desk…

    Candi recently posted You've been raised in limitation but that glove never fit quite right.

  492. 1194
    Huckleberry Rahr

    Hi,
    I was listening to your book while in the car line to pick my son up at school. I finally got to the front of the line and my son was slowly making his way to my car. I suddenly realized there were all of these little kids outside my car, you were taking about being stalked after ODing on laxatives, and I was pretty sure the radio was loud enough to be heard outside the car. I’m waiting for the email about “appropriate radio listening”…
    oops!
    Huckle Rahr

  493. 1195
    Holly Briley

    I once threw my cellphone out the car window (while crossing a bridge) because the person calling me wouldnt quit calling me. Cellphones can be annoying :)

  494. 1196
    Jennifer

    I love Neil Gaiman. And you! Congratulations on 3 months of awesomeness.

  495. 1197
    Suzanne Veter

    My husband does not answer the house phone….EVER! One time my mom called and my hubby..home sick with a fever..answered the phone. My mom, upon hearing his voice, shouted in dismay “oh my God, what’s happened to Suzanne?” My hub,in his fevered state thought something must have happened to me and there began a weird, “who’s on first” type conversation.

    I came home to an angry husband. He was angry to be disturbed while sick,angry my mom scared him and angrier that she had called, just to chat.a concept he finds foreign. He wasn’t amused when I said really it was his fault for not answering the phone more often.

    Now, if I’m not home, he tells our daughter to answer…but she doesn’t like the phone either. So,whenI come home I have to check the answering machine, despite two people having been home.

    Please send me a book!

  496. 1198
    Priscilla

    So glad I stumbled across your blog, following ya on twitter.

  497. Love your book… Have been force feeding it to everyone I know. Birthday? Christmas? Mother’s Day? Christening? Wedding? I got a gift for you!

  498. I hate the phone. I use like 5 of my allowed minutes each month. The people at work who need to know know to call once and call right back if they need me, so I know I should probably suck it up and answer.

  499. Our book club is meeting tonight I discuss YOUR BOOK!! Bet you never thought THAT would happen. :D

  500. I love you. Give me a book.

  501. I went here: http://www.gizoogle.net/ … then I put in your blog. Then I read this post in its altered state. While imagining you saying it in the altered state. Hilarity ensued.

  502. My son says the same thing about me answering the phone. Last time he bet his wife I wouldn’t answer and I did – that will show him not to bad mouth me when I’m not there!

  503. Victor should have coffee with my husband. They have a lot in common. Like anger issues over spousal unanswered cellphones. Like he ever answers his. Fffffttttt.

  504. I’d so seriously like a copy of your book. You know, I’ve bought two copies already – one hard cover and one paperback, and still haven’t read it? Damn having sisters who read and have birthdays and don’t share

  505. You literally are my happy place…when I need a lift I just re-read a chapter in your book (I have it on my iPad but I would live a signed copy!) or read your blog…

    As for this post…I had the same conversations with my now ex-husband…reason 4237 that I divorced him…

    Anice recently posted Lime in the Coconut Part Dos.

  506. 1208
    SarahJane

    I don’t usually answer my phone the first time either. I live in Hawaii and my mom always freaks out and thinks I’ve either been washed away in a tsunami or a lava flow.

  507. I really want a copy of your book. I promise to never answer any of your calls. Thanks!

    Velvet Barentine recently posted The Dreams We Have At Night.

  508. 1210
    Holly C

    did the water at least pour into the basement so that you have an indoor swimming pool? sorry about grandma =o(

  509. Sorry your week has been shitty. Virtual anxiety-reducing hug vibed your way. While I love Neil Gaiman, a book signed by you would beat even his awesome writing. I sort of worship you in a non-threatening/stalking/creepy way. Pretty sure my cats love you, too. They are usually rather indifferent. You should be really flattered. ;)

  510. 1212
    Lindsay

    A comment, about anything! Also, I have already read your book, but I would really like my own copy.

  511. Coming to you from San Angelo here – you’re a hoot!!!

  512. Texting is clearly the answer. I will read it when I want and I will respond if and when I want.

  513. 1215
    CandyCrushHasPedoVox

    I have the book in my Amazon cart for when I can sneak another book into the house without my husband possibly noticing and losing his shit. If I get chosen, I can honestly say I didn’t buy it and I can also buy a David Sedaris (I like Neil Gaiman but am in the mood for essays) book because I saved money. :)

  514. I already have the book. And the book plate. I just wanted to tell you that I am seriously grateful that you are on the face of the Earth, being you. Hilarious.

    Julie Barrett recently posted Who Is Standing In Your Aura with You?.

  515. 1217
    Cait Casey

    Victor as your foil…it just works. What a beautiful story of a loving marriage. Simply touching :)

  516. THANK YOU for making a lousy better! I laughed until I had tears rolling down my face.

  517. 1219
    Mirissa

    I’d love to win your book. My Birthday is on Sunday and I forgot to ask for a copy!

  518. Loved your book.

  519. I finally got your book! Though I haven’t read it, yet. Pat read it instead and he chuckled all the way through it, which for him is like someone else laughing hysterically and having tears running down their face. He finished the book yesterday, and now it’s my turn to read it. I can’t wait.

    And yes, I’m the same person who didn’t get her copy at Christmas because it was stolen from the mail and the empty envelope returned to my friend. (Which completely sucks for both of us, since she paid for it and I never got it).

    But I got a gift certificate this month and your book whomped down on my doorstep a few days later and was immediately grabbed by Pat, who said he really needed to read it first, so I let him,

    Because that’s just the kind of loving partner I am.

  520. I’ve been trying for the last six to nine months to get my son to say “mom”. His first word? “Woof”. As in, the sound a dog makes. Any time he hearing barking, he answers back, “Woof woof!”. WE DON’T EVEN OWN A FRIGGIN’ DOG, ‘WOOF’ IS NOT PERTINENT TO OUR LIVES IN ANY WAY.

    Also, I would like a signed copy of your book, please.

    Julia recently posted You Get What You Pay For. Especially When It's Free..

  521. 1223
    Siobhan

    you and victor are my heroes. shiny,big damn heroes.

  522. 1224
    nejiestar@comcast.net

    You’re a riot.

    And, Gaiman is amazing.

  523. I never answer my phone either. I usually turn off the ringer. Not accidentally, really, but just because when it rings it’s troublesome.

    But my husband manages silence me inside his brain as I talk so I see it as even.

    I’m sorry you’ve been having a bad time. I hope it’s just little stuff that wont matter six months from now.

    tammigirl recently posted May Cara Box Swap: Regional.

  524. Haha! I definitely had the “we should have code words in case someone is holding me hostage so you’ll know to call the police” conversation the other day with my dad. It went about as well as yours. Basically if I’m ever held hostage I’d better hope my mother answers the phone or just call someone else entirely. :)

  525. I too have had a “are you freaking kidding me” week and suddenly, without warning or an appointment, I had the most wonderful walk-in! She was sweet and nice and appreciative and gave me not one but TWO of the best hugs I’ve had in a long time. Faith in Humanity = up 30%. Now if the rest of these turds on a stick could figure out how to say thank you……

  526. I love your blog and your sense of humor. I will make my baby dance for you if you send me a signed copy of your book. And that’s not a euphemism for anything either. Just cute baby dancing. Unless there’s something euphemistic that you’d prefer. But I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want it to involve my baby.

  527. If phones were meant to be answered, they wouldn’t have voicemail.

    KMB recently posted WTF Wednesday: Derpy Cougar and Coyote Faces.

  528. 1230
    Wtchdr67

    I read your book and it was so funny my laughter woke my wife and two small children more than once but I don’t know who Neil Gaiman is. So if you don’t pick me it will now be your fault. I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad, just stating the facts.

    And because you asked for something to make you smile…

    Q: Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
    A: Because our balls fall over our butt-hole and they vapor lock.

    BTW, this must be true because I read it on the Internet and it wasn’t denied on http://www.snopes.com. ;)

  529. I just found your blog recently & have been since creeping back into your archives because I can’t get enough! I’m in school right now & the internet is enough of a distraction, so I haven’t gotten your book yet. But I’ve been really looking forward to reading it in 7 weeks when I’m out of school for the summer! I’d love a copy!

    Thanks for being fantastic, hope next week it better!

  530. Neil Gaiman is amazing. But so is your book, although my copy is all bent up because I slept on it last night accidentally and earlier in the day I had to fight one of my Year 10 students and wrangle it back off them. True.

  531. Your stories always make me grin. I’d love a signed book—the copy I have is on my iPad, and signing those makes it hard to read on them.

  532. 1234
    S. Wright

    I already have your book. I’d love something signed by Neil Gaiman! Not that I have high expectations of that or anything. Actually since I only have the e-book version, a signed copy of your book would be really cool. I just hope that your shitty week gets better, or at least squishes some hysterical laughter in between the shitty patches somewhere.

  533. my dog broke two! window panes this morning. for blood everywhere and when I try to look at the wounds he bites me (or well attempts). I’m not quite getting a chance to clean them but I don’t think he needs to go to the vet (thank goodness because I cannot afford that) but he’s being all hyper and not letting them heal. ugh. that is all. thank you.

    oh and I very much enjoyed today’s post. gotta love shocking someone into a stupor!

  534. So, what you’re saying is that if your week gets worse the two cats I just adopted could be the last of their kind? We cannot allow that to happen because I haven’t seen one of them in a couple days because she’s the motherfuckingqueen of the hiding in the house games. I think she’s shooting to break Michael Phelp’s gold medal record actually. She’s getting a collar with a bell on it tomorrow. And I will be taking some Xanax before I try to get it on her. If I ever see her again that is…

  535. I hope that you get as much joy and laughter from your posts as I do. I hope you are not involved in any horse / face mangling this weekend or ever. I would like to leave you with a joke:

    “What to you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?”

    [wait for it]

    “A stick!”

    That is my favorite joke. I think Victor might like it, too. Or your kid maybe?

    erin recently posted iTunes: CALL TO ACTION.

  536. *raises her hand on the shitty week*
    Seriously. But a couple of good girlfriends, a clueless but effective sweet husband, and a blog seemingly written just to make me laugh has soothed a lot of big effin’ heart owies. Thanks.

  537. Holy cats, you are so freaking funny.

  538. I had to tell a grown man at work today to stop putting things in his mouth I FUCKING MEAN IT. I don’t know if I ever had to say that to my 6 year old, I think she was too smart to put things in her mouth. She also likes to dress like a vampire fairy batgirl, so she’s ahead of the curve anway.

  539. Things that I find interesting: Porcupines and Pickles. Things I find even more interesting? You! Thanks for always making me smile!

  540. So I’m sure you’ve seen the picture of Captain Jack Harkness sweeping Wil Wheaton off his feet? Yeah, that was awesome. I totally missed it, but was in the vicinity. I had planned on posing with Wheaton with, of course, twine. Missed that, too.
    Know what’s making me happy these days? Neil Gaiman is coming to Phoenix in 27 days! And who does that in the summer? I’m so excited and nervous and already trying to think up something not-stupid to say to him, but I know I’ll fail.
    Oh, and I never answer my phone either.

  541. Save the chupies!

  542. 1244
    Jessica

    secret word of the day…… sharing
    I would love a copy of your book to share with , well anyone I can get to listen ! Especially my daughters who believe they are the only ones who are being raised by 2 lunatics ..lol

  543. 1245
    Kasey M.

    NEIL GAIMAN. I love him. He’s like… a fairy. Elf. Thing. And I’ve been obsessively reading all his books so I know everything when I go see him next month. I would also, of course, be happy if I could see you, because you are also EQUALLY FANTASTIC and I love you. So. Erm. Yes. You’re fantastic and this made me laugh. And if I could, I would adopt a squirrel. ALSO, there is this giant metal chicken by this random taco stand in the town I live by and every time I see it I scream about your big metal chicken and my friend give me weird looks… it’s awesome.

  544. Two points for you. One, my husband and I do have a codeword for either when we’re in trouble or when we’re so angry with each other that we should stop and take a break before we get all stabby. Popsicle. Also, why doesn’t Victor just lojack you and be done with it?

    Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted Letter to a Young Dumbass.

  545. And that is EXACTLY why i dont own a cell phone.

  546. I like that you are making plans in case of emergency. I told my husband that if I’m ever abducted I’m going to leave a trail of jewelry, dropping rings and earrings as I’m being dragged away.

    He just shook his head. I think in amazement.

  547. Victor deserves a sainthood:) And I deserve a book:))

  548. So did you actually get to have real conversations with Victor or is it always this strange? My sister still has my copy of your book so, I could totally use a signed copy! :D

    Devon S recently posted It's the little things.

  549. I had to read your book to my husband. He got tired of me saying random things and then laughing hysterically. Now we both love you! Waiting for the second book…..

  550. 1252
    Shannon

    ~snicker~ I mention every time I never got my signed bookplate for preordering your book hoping random generator winner picker will somehow cybernetically feel digital pity and gimme one of your books ( I keep giving mine away :) and plus I already preordered a signed Neil’s latest awesomeness…so come on, sweepstakes, gimme some Lawson Love …

    Shannon recently posted A True Confession.

  551. 1253
    Therese

    I love this post and I will definitely try some of these responses. My husband hates that I never answer my phone, either!

  552. 1254
    Arden Ratliff

    So apparently I’m the 1201st comment … there’s no way I’m winning anything. I already ready your book too sooooooooo yeah. Not sure why I’m even commenting.

  553. you. amaze. me. Wish I could come up with responses like this when people bitch at me for not answering. I’m printing this out and taping it to my ankle with duct tape.

  554. I saw a chimpanzee giving another chimp a blowjob this week. In person, at my local zoo. I told the 7 children the I had with me that it was grooming the other. But, really, no. Full on BJ going on there. I was more baffled than disgusted… the revulsion set in after we walked away.

    Tiffany recently posted Well, la dee da..

  555. A friend of mine told me he has a half stuffed 7 foot alligator his cats sleep and play in and it reminded me of you,which really strange since I don’t know you personally. but I thought it was awesome. congratulations on your book.

    Tami recently posted Things I have crocheted lately.

  556. 1258
    Shannon

    This post cracked me up. I never answer either. Isn’t that why God invented texting?

  557. I have to go now, Victor is calling on the other line.

  558. 1260
    Barb Bristol

    I’ve already got your book on CD, but I’d love a signed copy!

  559. Phones rule our lives. I don’t answer on principle.

  560. My husband hates my phone issue. I’ll answer it…but I lose it more often because it’s on vibrate or airplane mode, to save battery life. Which makes it very hard to find when I’ve lost it. By the way, I’m convinced my cats hide the phone on me to make me look like an asshole. Why would my cats do this? Their cats, why wouldn’t they do this!
    My husband does not believe the cats hide my phone, instead he thinks I’m a flighty headcase and I need a lowjack system for my phone…but he hasn’t bought me one so I don’t have one. The game continues.

    Rea recently posted Old people of the world (or at least those closest to my vicinity), turnabout is fair play!.

  561. I would love to have a conversation like this with my husband. Unfortunately he never feels the need to call me. Maybe I’m the Victor. Oh, crap.

  562. Neil Gaiman *is* totally awesome, but I want your book, too!

    Did Victor ever remember why he called?

    ccr in MA recently posted Home Again, and all that.

  563. 1265
    Neil Gaiman

    Thanks for the shout-out. Love your blog!

    -Neil Gaiman

    (For legal purposes, I’m not actually Neil Gaiman, but I wish I was. I don’t think Neil Gaiman would use an exclamation point at the end, or really say anything as mindless as “Love your blog!” but cut him some slack, he’s a genius and can do what he wants.)

  564. 1266
    Jeannette

    How awesome to hear that your book is still on the New Times Bestseller list! Now, maybe you can take time out from your day to THANK all the people who have come to your book signings and have bought you book. Hell, I bought four of them and there is only one of me ! A woman from Canada asked you to please send a signed book for a fundraiser for a family whose husband was killed and burned beyond recognition while doing a test drive with 2 men in a truck he was trying to sell. Young man, young wife and 2 year old child. I told the woman that I had an extra book and I would be glad to send it to her because I doubt that you would send one because you have, um, issues. Seriously, Jenny, you need to send out a big old THANK YOU to everyone who has purchased your book and continues to support you. Jesus Christ, you;re from Texas and people from Texas generally have manners. Right? RIGHT? You know I’m right..please do this one little thing, even though you don’t like people telling what to do…please.

  565. This is us, only I’m Victor and my husband is you. Which sounds way creepier than I meant it to be. ><

  566. i bought your book, loved it, gave it to a friend. i’d love to have another copy so that i’ll…have another copy. :D

  567. Right, don’t drink tea and read your posts at the same time.

  568. 1270
    Ms. Kitty

    JENNY! Add this to your list of awesomeness, like you I just had to move to a new house ugh! BUT just a couple of doors down from me in my new home, right on the front lawn they have 3 METAL CHICKENS!! I am seriously taking a picture just for you this weekend and emailing it to you! You are welcome! I wonder if I should tell my new neighbors that their metal chickens that are utterly fabulous need to hold signs that say knock knock? Hmmm

  569. Victor is amazing and deserves you.

  570. Hmmm…we don’t have this issue. Maybe because we rarely call each other. Is that bad?

    Would LOVE to win!

    Justine B recently posted Whoopee..

  571. 1273
    Michelle

    Jenny, you are so awesome! Your conversations with Victor are even more amusing than the ones I have with my parents.

  572. 1274
    Beth McFadden

    Have your book. Have $15 bucks and have Neil Gaiman books (he IS awesome). Thanks all the same. Tell Victor we love him but to stop being a weenie and just send a text. I never hear my phone ring inside my purse, but for some reason always hear the text alert. Thanks for never failing to amuse the hell out of me and the BF.

  573. I do not take my smart phone where it would have a chance if getting damaged because my husband made such a big deal over purchasing it for me… Issue is I rarely get his call or texts in a reasonable amount if time to respond. He will ask, ” Can I spend 30,000 on a VW Jetta TDI?” And when I didn’t say, “No!!!” He drove home in his brand spankin new car. Where was my argument???? I mean, I didn’t say no:/ .

  574. Jenny, you are the best! Our daughter introduced us to your website (we are old – see, even old people love you) and my husband and I read you every day.

  575. I want to be your stalker. Are you okay with that? Because my neighbors think I’m nutty and I think you could totally prove to them I’m normal… well in a not as nutty as her kind of way. So, what do you say? Can I be your stalker?

  576. ooh, book? I want a book! So awesome.

    To make this a comment about something other than whoring for a book, I’m going to mention that I am in a process of making a willie warmer for a guy friend of mine. I plan to add googly eyes and a forked tongue so that it’ll be a trouser snake. And then if I feel like it, I might use glitter glue to jazz it up, because who doesn’t want a glitter snake?

    But it’s a secret, so NO ONE TELL ok?

  577. 1279
    Stephanie Asch

    This is brilliant! I almost wish I never answered my phone, just so I could yoink them. I hope your week ends on a good note!

  578. On my phone frantically scrolling down to leave a comment, but after 30 or so strokes and seeing life flashing before me, I forgot why I’m doing this and what I wanted to say.

  579. That’s it… I’m using these convos as an example of what to say the next time I’m yelled at for not answering my phone. We’re busy bitches Jenny! We can’t be expected to always be available…

  580. I went to London recently to see a rapper I admire, and my friend panicked at a bad time and almost threw him off the balcony he was climbing.

    It’s almost not important whether I get a book or not; I’m just happy to share these things with you.

  581. 1283
    stephanie

    I had to take a tutorial to learn how to use my phone as a phone, I never knew it did that, weird I thought it was just an internet, email box :P

  582. 1284
    Prop Widow

    Can you have Victor call and yell at my husband? He never answers calls, emails, or texts. Well. Rarely.

  583. Congrats on holding it down on the NYT Best Seller’s List!

  584. You make me laugh so hard that when I flew to Mexico on vacation, I was reading your book and I shook all the way there from repressing my laughing to keep from disturbing the other passengers. I may have hurt myself…….

  585. 1287
    Elizabeth

    I don’t answer the phone because it makes my husband suspect I may have found someone better and when I finally answer the phone I am all like you should be happy. I haven’t left you yet.

  586. I rarely answer my phone either. My mom has learned that if she needs to get in touch with me, it is faster to call my husband’s phone.

  587. I love your incredibly awesome randomness on this blog. Never stop being awesome! ^_^

  588. 1290
    Shannon

    I come to your blog to help me through my own depression. Thank you for writing the words I feel, but can’t always put on paper.<3

  589. I actually feel Victor’s pain on this one because my husband never answers his phone. Though his excuses for not doing so are far less exciting and far more whiny.

  590. Wait…you’re supposed to ANSWER cell phones?? I’ve been doing it all wrong!

  591. I love you and want to be your friend!
    (Fyi, I originally had 3 exclamation points, but deleted the last two so I wouldn’t seem so needy.)

  592. Weeping Angels vs. the new Cybermen. Who would win in a brawl?

  593. 1295
    Stepfanie

    my soon to be husband (the word fiance sucks, who invented that word, obviously the french, why isn’t there an english translation for this ridiculous word) needs to be reading your posts so he knows that there are people worse then I am at responding to calls/texts …

    ps. i have your book already… i recommended it to my soon to be husband.. he hasnt read it yet, I’m thinking he will if its signed.. will also accept the $15 if necessary

  594. I sympathise with Victor on this one — my husband never answers his cell phone when I call and it’s simultaneously maddening and terrifying. He goes to mow some stranger’s yard and I’m all, “What if that old lady stabbed you to death because she doesn’t like how you edged her garden and I don’t even know where you are?”

  595. 1297
    Stephanie

    I love this! I am fairly certain that my husband and I have this same conversation daily. As he is a firefighter, I know he would appreciate fireproof orphans. Maybe we’ll work on that…

  596. I love your book! Just finished it and the tale about the puppet squirrel in the cereal box reminded me of something my best friend’s dad did to us involving a squirrel tail. He pretended he was holding a shy baby squirrel and the squirrel was scurrying around with it’s tail twitching and flopping around and running under his arm and we were ENTRANCED. Then the squirrel jumped out on us and we screamed bloody murder until we noticed it was a detached squirrel tail… then we screamed bloody murder some more until he picked it up and left the room. Thanks Mike Perry. You owe my therapist $1500.

  597. 1299
    deb young

    So glad I found your blog!

  598. This is me and my husband on a regular basis. We were both laughing so hard we were crying. Glad to know it happens to others.

  599. 1301
    Andrea Case

    I get angry at dead people. Especially those who have died because they did not take care of themselves after beating cancer. WHY WOULD YOU CONTINUE TO SMOKE!?!?! And then I get mad because they died far too soon and people are sad and that sucks.

  600. 1302
    Nikita G

    I hate talking on the phone since I’m incredibly awkward on them; I usually ignore the call and text the person back. Then they try to call me again since I’m obviously by the phone, but I just ignore it again. It’s a vicious cycle.

  601. i so want to read the extra chapter!!!

  602. Just think of all the uses for fireproof orphans. They could be gas grill testers, for example.

  603. 1305
    Stephanie

    My husband never answers his damn phone. Because he’s got the radio too loud, or because the battery’s dead, or because he left it at home. If he EVER answered it, even if he answered it just. like. you. I’d be THRILLED! Tell Victor he really doesn’t appreciate you enough.

  604. I SO want your book, and yeah, I know I could go out and buy it but not get it from you SIGNED, so I comment and then I get sad because I see all the zillion comments. PLEASE PICK ME! :) You’re so awesome, either way, and I never answer my phone either. That’s what texting is for. Obviously.

  605. Phones are intrusive and annoying. My husband and I always laugh together about it and refuse to answer most of the time. Then one day I was out in the yard with my son and the phone was ringing and ringing and ringing. I never answered it on principle, and because I was too lazy to get up. Eventually my husband drives up in a completely wrecked clunker, only it was our new car. Turns out, he had been in an accident and that had been him calling. Boy, was he pissed that I didn’t answer the phone! Luckily, he was fine. The car, not so much.

  606. Don’t pick me. I have one hard cover with book plate, one signed paperback, and one seriously flawed bootleg audio (the steps did it for my birthday, don’t sue me!) I just want to reassure you. Kittens will never go extinct; they mostly think of nothing but murder all day. http://www.theonion.com/articles/kitten-thinks-of-nothing-but-murder-all-day,9783/

  607. 1309
    Janice Mason

    I really enjoy reading your blog! Thanks!

  608. 1310
    Allison G.

    My phone quacks. Like, my ringtone is the quacking of a duck. A common mallard, if I had to guess, but I am no very knowledgeable about ducks.

    Anyway, it’s both awesome and terrible. It makes me pay attention to my phone, but also makes me NOT want to answer it because, seriously, who doesn’t want to listen to a duck quacking over and over? Sometimes I think that if I let it quack long enough maybe the quack would change and become melancholy or something, but then voicemail picks up and ruins it.

    The bottom line here (is there a bottom like here?) is that your phone should quack like a duck. It will either get you to answer it more, or provide fodder for another hilarious Jenny vs. Victor battle of the crazy-awesome vs. the patient and saner-awesome. Win, win, really.

    Also, give me a paperback book with an extra chapter that I want to read but I have the Kindle edition of the hardcover so I don’t have the extra chapter or even a physical book to hold and stroke lovingly while I think about important things like taxidermy and hilariousness. PLEEEEEAAAAAAASE!

  609. 1311
    Helen S

    And yet, in the midst of what is a terrible time for you, you manage to make us laugh. Thanks, and congratulations on your continued success!

  610. 1312
    patsy fos

    Poor Victor, I know how he feels ……

  611. that was the best conversation of all time…

  612. I was going to write a witty comment, but then I totally forgot what I was going to say because this box appeared for me to type into.

    alejna recently posted 3 photos of animals stuck in cages.

  613. I am from Oklahoma and would donate my unsigned copy of your book to a tornado victim who needed multiple laughs. (And I would keep the signed copy for myself. I never claimed to be a saint.)

  614. Ok so I should win because it is my 45th birthday today which means I am officially middle aged and about to start that slid down the slippery slope into old age. And it’s Thursday!

  615. Oh, to be a fly on the wall in your house Jenny. I think I would just burst with excitement, happiness, and… sorry if that sounds stalkerish! Don’t worry though, I live nowhere near you and I am poor. And the internet is telling me that stalkerish is not a word! Whaaaa! :)

  616. 1318
    Jennifer

    I can always count on you for a laugh. Thank you!!!!

  617. I’m incapable of *not* answering my phone, which frequently leads to me being ticked off by people interrupting me and wanting to chat while I’m watching Doctor Who.

  618. 1320
    Heather

    I would LOVE to get one of your books! I am desperate to read it! :-) I should totally win because my Girl Scouts are putting on a Red Dress event. :-D

  619. Ahaha, I, too, get very upset when my calls are ignored!

    I hope I win, I hope I win!

    Lori recently posted Corn and Potato Chowder.

  620. 1322
    Kathy Moody

    Apparently I sound like you. I’ve had three different people tell me not reading your book is like sitting next to me. Should I be flattered or scared? I do think you’re awesome. By two copies of your book but I’d love to win signed one!!!

  621. I had tears rolling down my face I was laughing so hard.

  622. 1324
    fxhntr1

    I’ve had pet horses my entire life. They don’t eat meat so your face is safe. Unless your face has grass or hay or grain or carrots or apples on it. If that’s the case run fast. Very fast. Because horses are seriously fast…

  623. 1325
    mwilson

    Oh, Lord, but you are hysterical! I reread this post 3 times and laughed out loud each time. I already have your book, but would be willing to purchase something by (wait till I scroll up to read his name again)……

    Oh yeah, Neil Gaiman. I’m sure he is really, really good!

  624. You’re amazing. Keep it up.

    Laurel recently posted Seoul day 6.

  625. I have a friend who never answers her phone. Even when I was supposed to spend Christmas with them she wouldn’t answer her phone to let me know what was going on. I thought I was going to have to kill her when she finally called me on Christmas day….

    Kattie recently posted Yucky.

  626. I just want to say thanks for always making me laugh with your posts. Honestly, no matter how shitty a day can be, I can just pull up your site and read new AND old posts over and over. Don’t ever stop being neurotically awesome.

    And Neil Gaiman IS amazing!

    ChristineMarie recently posted People in Funny Hats.

  627. I think that would be terrible to have kittens go extinct and have your face eaten off by horses! Much better if reversed. Not that I have anything against horses per se, they are magestic and all. But if I had to choose between my face eaten off by horses or kittens, then kittens FTW. It would be the cutest act of terror ever.

  628. Thank you! Also having a less-than-stellar week and now my sides hurt (in a good way)!

  629. 1331
    Nichole Thornton

    Penguins are not fish, even though they do swim underwater.

  630. 1332
    lysette

    I hope your days get better. If Neil Gaiman is the dark cloak of night, you are the stars glittering the sky. xox

  631. 1333
    Melissa Lenhardt

    Your Amazing, and tell Victor Im glad you didn’t answer your phone…..

  632. 1334
    Jacquie Meston

    OMG I love you so freaking much!

  633. 1335
    Cynthia

    Book please! This is the first time I’ve seen your blog and I need a new good book!

  634. Please, oh PLEASE tell me that Victor has a single brother who likes plump, middle-aged women who secretly believe that her pets are trying to figure out just how to work a door knob so that they can smother her in her sleep and take over the house for themselves as their little inter-species love nest. Not that I judge them for their inter-species love, you understand. I just think they’d rather have the house to themselves. But they can’t open doors…and they can’t drive to buy their own food. So, maybe they won’t smother me, but instead try to brainwash me into believing that I am THEIR servant. Anyway, not important, really. Just love Victor and want to have him cloned! Of course, I love you too, Jenny. You ARE my hero.

  635. You probably won’t see this BUT… I had a copy of your book but I loaned it to a friend and never got it back. ‘Twas ok though because her sister needed it more than I did. She said it helped her keep her sanity while visiting her dad (he has cancer, won’t be with them long). But I miss it! :( LPTNH is a must read…over and over and over and over……

  636. 1338
    Brenda B

    Please don’t let horses eat off your face…. the kittens need you to save them from extinction.

  637. I am all out of funny for the day, so just leaving a comment. :)

  638. 1257 comments……..wow
    you have been my inspiration. thank you Jenny

    mothers little hleper recently posted My love affair with the UK.

  639. I am totally stealing all your explanations for why I never answer my phone, next time my fiance growls in frustration at me… or emails me to tell me to turn on my phone. I just thought you should know. If I can’t prove myself capable of hearing and locating (and answering my phone) at least I can confuse him. Thanks!

    Ele recently posted Schroedinger's (Disappearing) Cat Linocut by minouette.

  640. 1342
    The Crabby Editor

    Thanks, Jenny – I needed that belly laugh today. And I’d love a copy of your book! Also, I never answer my phone either.

  641. It’s surprising he hasn’t caught on yet.

  642. 1344
    heather odom

    You live the life I live in my head.

  643. I too am having a bad week, but you help make it better, I don’t feel so alone in my craziness! I am glad to have your blog…I listened to your book and didn’t want it to end because I felt like I was gonna lose a friend. You help…Thanks!

  644. Just never ever stop writing. Please. Yuo probably don’t hear this often enough but your crazy keeps me sane. <3

  645. I love your blog, but it always makes me so sad when you’re having a bad week. Hopefully the massive number of comments helps cheer you up, too.
    This is the first time I’ve commented, so I want to tell you. That post about the dead pony? And the one with the giant rooster knocking on the door? I was reading that in a staff meeting and was chortling and almost choked on my own spit because I was trying to hold in my laugh. Also, did I mention I worked at a church? And my boss/pastor wanted to read what was so funny? Yeah. That’s true.

  646. My parents instituted a “24 hour rule”– I have 24 hours to return a call and then they call the state police. Maybe Victor would accept that as a compromise– 1 call every 24 hours?

  647. Seriously hilarious!!!! I needed that laugh today. I love reading your posts!!!

  648. I already have all Neil Gaiman’s books. I’ll take a signed one. You can make it out to Professor Assholio :)

  649. thank god for strange men, cos without them what would strange girls do

  650. If your book is remotely like your posts, I either need to find it in one of the crappy stores around here or get over my allergy to online shopping.

    Hope next week is better and answer the phone whenever you want!

  651. You are my sunshine on days like today when I just don’t think I’m gonna make it until bedtime!! thanks for that and SOOOOO much more!!!

    mmmmmwah!

    Tina recently posted enough.

  652. 1354
    Kristen

    I’m entering a one_in_1200-some-odd contest, yay!! I’m totally not going to win, but thats fine. I bet your book is freaking brilliant. Like your blog. I will buy your book someday (assuming I “don’t win”, which, yeah…I know I’m not gonna).

  653. I just recently started using Twitter and somehow your name popped up as a person I should follow. So now I’m following, you, Tom Hanks, Apollo Ono, and the cute Scott McGillvary from Income Properties, and a few others who, frankly, should be alot more interesting than they are, but I have to say, yours is the best by faaarrrrr!

    Plus, I want to be in the drawing for the book because it’ll take forever if I have to wait on the reserve list at the library. :)

  654. 1356
    Andy Larson (short for Andrea)

    My husband Todd completely understands this rant. According to him, I never answer the phone. I do, but when I feel like it. At least it is on most of the time. He really gets irate. My thoughts are that40 years ago we wouldn’t have had this option – he can wait a few hours to ask me face to face. By the way – loved the book (though I will happily take another signed one since my original one grew legs and wandered off…enriching other lives) and can’t wait for your next one.

  655. Thank you for giving me something to laugh about (at?) on a very bad day.

    I would love a copy of your book.

  656. Love your blog- makes me laugh every day. thank you

    Rita recently posted And that's the best way to respond to: "WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE?".

  657. When does it hurt? Only when I laugh.

    Keep writing. Keep ignoring your phone. Keep the faith.

    xo

    Maggie Pinque recently posted Love Dares You to Care.

  658. Love your blog and your book! omg i was hysterically laughing at this post!!!

  659. Love this post. Love all your posts. Please, never stop being you.

    Penney recently posted Autism – Not As Scary As You Think.

  660. 1362
    Eric Ardell Smith

    So here’s the thing. I work at a Library. A School Library… and instead of doing Library things I’m sitting here at the circulation desk reading this… cracking up hysterically. I guess I should say laughing hysterically because if I were cracking up you should either admit me to a 9-step program or just call my humpty-dumpty. Regardless of this minor detail…. but this reminds me of whenever my mother calls. I just don’t answer… except the fact that I usually see it ring, and I’m just like ugh. Again? It used to be so bad I would get seven voicemails a day asking if I died… and I’m all like I’m at work or I’m in class or I’m sleeping. Sleeping is usually my go to. Who could argue against that? She lives two hours away. How the hell would she know if I was sleeping or not. Anywho…. thanks for the laughs :)

  661. 1363
    Tiffany

    The longest game of Monopoly played in a moving elevator lasted 384 hours. Just thought you should know. Also, I am a giant fan of your blog. :) Have a great day!

  662. 1364
    Michesith

    Peanuts, ostrich feathers, flat tire, blueberries, and fake vomit.

  663. 1365
    Katie Lehn

    I have your book on my kindle but would love a signed copy because I could read it over and over like Catcher in the Rye.

  664. My delightful friend Holly is ALSO having a completely shitty week, so this is me entering to win your signed book on her behalf. She could absolutely use the pick-me-up.

  665. i have had this conversation, except where “why don’t you ” is, it would read “why don’t you “. . . I don’t know – because I don’t want to empty the dishwasher. . . well, and because you do it for me.

    kaypea recently posted the power failure has over me and how you make me brave.

  666. Oh, I’d love to win a signed copy! I got your book for my Kindle and laughed my ass off, and have been wanting the physical copy ever since.

    Congrats, btw! :)

    Shara White recently posted Calico versus The Elliptical.

  667. I love reading your blog when I’m trying to distract myself from thinking about something else – you always make me laugh and (for a short while) I forget what I was worried about! Thank you Jenny!

    Amanda recently posted The Storm.

  668. 1370
    Rebecca Bingley

    I would love a copy of your book!

  669. oh and I agree you should give the free book to Meg Keegan – damn good conversation.

    kaypea recently posted the power failure has over me and how you make me brave.

  670. I’m dying laughing at this because I’m the same way. I never hear my phone when it’s in my purse and I’m out somewhere. Half the time I don’t hear it if I’m in the next room and it’s laying on the desk. My husband has learned if I don’t answer my cell to just call the house line. I hear that loud ass phone just fine (plus I have 2 handsets, which helps).

    Courtney recently posted Quit acting like a damn fool..

  671. 1373
    bananagirl

    I can definitely relate. I mean, I’m running around all day saving orphans from burning buildings too, but all anyone ever notices is that I don’t answer my phone!! My genius is wasted on this universe!

  672. I tried to imagine face-eating horses. It wasn’t pleasant.

  673. 1375
    Julie B.

    My boyfriend will answer his phone but absolutely refuses to listen to voicemails. Took me years to just hang up after the 4th ring.

    Reading how you drive Victor insane makes me so happy. So incredibly happy. Thank you.

  674. this is awesome. now I have a whole new litany of excuses why I don’t answer my phone- usually its something boring like I was taking a shower or walking the dog- these are WAAYY more creative.

  675. I love your writing, you consistently make me laugh out loud, and I would be absolutely thrilled to have a copy of your book!

  676. I need this book!!! I will be on an airplane with my mother-in-law for 4 hours. Help.

  677. 1380
    Carolyn

    You can keep your eye on the kittens here: http://new.livestream.com/FosterKittenCam/Mythbusters

  678. 1381
    Jill Kaplan

    I think it would be hilarious to start doing this to annoy people. I’m kind of a terrible person.

  679. My Gf (who after I read your book via her kendle account, im fairly certain you two are actually sisters anf were tragically seperated at birth), would damn near die of sheer joy to recieve a signed copy of your book or just a signed picture of beyonce lol. By the way speaking of the giant metal chicken, has anyone noticed the growing popularity of them since your book came out?

  680. 1383
    Jennifer

    I don’t know what to say except we are grateful to have your stories to read. I hope that gives you enough happiness to get you through this next dark time.

  681. the first response you had cracked me up. it was perfect :)

  682. You make me laugh all. the. damn. time. And things are not to hot right now. So, thanks for that, I needed it.

    Also, you should know that my brother in law was lamenting what he should get his wife for their anniversary. They have been married 14 years. I bet you know what I told him. ;)

  683. Love your blog! It always makes me literally lol :)

  684. 1387
    Kalie E

    Anything is the name of a soft drink in Singapore. It apparently is shelved next to Whatever. ;)

  685. Love me. Please.

  686. I really hope I get to meet you one day to tell you how much you have helped me but I know your appearances are always packed and I don’t do well in crowds. I guess I could just go to the bathroom at one of your appearances I would probably have a better chance of meeting you there anyway.

  687. 1390
    Annony Mouse

    SOOOOOOOO glad I’m not the only one who has these arguments with my husband. I’ve tried to argue that I grew up in an era when telephones stayed in one spot, and didn’t need to be charged because THEY WERE ALWAYS PLUGGED IN, and if I still had a phone that I could count on like that, then I might answer it when it rang (or at least screen the caller ID and answer if it was someone interesting). But no, we have now traded all that security for tiny fickle little computers that inject our brains with cancer and conspire against us to suddenly lose all battery charge or tower just at the moment we need them the most. Plus because we have said tiny computers, failure to answer your phone for 20 minutes no longer means, “oh, she must be in the shower, or enjoying the sun in the backyard, or putting out a fire that spontaneously erupted in the oven(I plead the 5th), or maybe saving kittens from rabid bears, and she’ll call me back when she gets my message on the answering machine.” Instead it has become “she MUST have been mangled in a horrible accident since her tiny computer is not glued to her eardrum! Let me call her again EVERY 20 SECONDS until the paramedics answer to confirm my worst nightmare.”

  688. 1391
    Mary W.

    I hope your week gets better, thank you for being such an inspiration for people with anxiety!

  689. Thank you for sharing!

  690. I really hope I get to meet you one day to tell you how much you have helped me but I know your appearances are always packed and I don’t do well in crowds. I guess I could just go to the bathroom at one of your appearances I would probably have a better chance of meeting you there anyway. I will bring some vodka and the ingredients to make smores we can build a fire in a bathroom right?

  691. Sorry it’s a bad week. Remember, depression lies. I read that somewhere on the internet, once.

  692. 1395
    Rebecca

    I’m reading a book by Neil Gaiman right now!! Well, not RIGHT now. Right now I’m writing this comment so I can get a copy of your book. Which I will read later. After I’ve finished the Neil Gaiman book.

  693. I called in sick to work today. I was partially sick. Sick of work. However, I cleaned my house. Cleaned it like company was coming this weekend. Which means, I will have nothing to clean this weekend, and it would be a perfect time for me to read a book. Not just any book, but YOUR book. I would like that very much, please.

  694. this made me laugh. loudly. and out loud. plus, who doesn’t love free books!? woo!

    Lori W recently posted Live the Questions.

  695. Well, two signed copies is twice as good. So another will fit right in with the one I already have.

  696. I strongly identify with Victor. For some reason I always thought that the “mobile” part of “mobile phone” meant you could always keep it with you and turned on. My partner always manages to leave it at home or turned off. Even when it’s turned on it’s in other room or in the house while he’s outside where he can’t possibly hear it ring.

  697. Me me me? Love love love you you you!!
    Me love you.

    I had to make it even. OCD and all.

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