And that’s the best way to respond to: “WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE?”

Conversation with Victor after the 40,000th time I failed to answer my phone:

Victor:  I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU.  WHY DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING ANSWER YOUR PHONE WHEN I CALL YOU?

me:  I didn’t hear it because I was too busy yelling at some idiot who claimed that you weren’t the most understanding and patient husband in the world.

Victor:  I…don’t even know what to say to that.

me:  You should probably just say “Thank you.”

 

The 40,001st time I failed to answer my phone:

Victor:  AAAAH.  IT’S A PHONE, JENNY.  JUST ANSWER IT.

me:  *mumble mumble*

Victor:  What?  What are you saying?

me: *mumble mumble*

Victor:  WHAT?

me: That was me practicing what it would sound like if I was gagged and bound and finally answered the phone with my nose to tell you which abandoned warehouse I was stuck in.  And you failed.

Victor:  WHAT?

me:  Because maybe that’s why I wasn’t answering my phone.  Maybe it was to make this drill seem more realistic.  I can’t just reach my phone immediately if I’m tied up.  IT TAKES FINESSE.

Victor:  You’re killing me here.

me:  It won’t always be a drill, Victor.  Get your shit together.

 

The 40,002nd time:

Victor:  YOU HAVEN’T ANSWERED YOUR PHONE IN HOURS.  I’VE BEEN WORRIED SICK THAT YOU’D BEEN MANGLED IN AN ACCIDENT.

me:  But I wasn’t.  I just turned the ringer off accidentally.  You must be very relieved.

Victor:  RELIEVED?  I’M PISSED.

me:  Well, that’s really the very opposite emotion to have when finding out that your wife is less-mangled-than-expected.  I think maybe you need to re-prioritize and call me back when you’re less confusing and ready to apologize.

 

The 40,003rd time:

Victor: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED?  WHAT IF I JUST NEVER ANSWERED YOUR CALLS?

me:  Hello.  I just found this phone.  I’m not Jenny.

Victor:  I FUCKING KNOW IT’S YOU.

me:  The girl who dropped this phone is inside a flaming building saving orphans. She told me to hold her phone for her in case you called.  How are you?

Victor:  Seriously, why can’t you just answer your phone?

me:  Why is the sky blue?  Why can’t they just make orphans fire-proof?  Frankly, we could ask these questions all day, but the main point is that your wife is a hero and you should probably bring her some egg rolls on your way home because I bet she’d like that.

 

The 40,004th time:

Victor:  AAAAARGH!

me:  You know, at this point it’s sort of your fault for expecting me to answer the phone at all.  It’s not like I haven’t set a precedent.

Victor:  JUST ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE.

me:  Technically if I answered right away the first time you called it would be totally out of character and would probably be a sign that I was being held hostage or something.  We should have code words so that if I ever need to talk to you in front of kidnappers you’ll understand me.

Victor:  I already don’t understand you.

me:  That’s why it’s good we’re having this conversation now.

 

The 40,005th time:

Victor:  I’m going to duct tape your phone to your ankle.

me:  That would make it very hard to talk to you.  I’m not really that flexible.

Victor:  But at least you’d answer the phone.

me:  Technically the doctor would probably answer the phone.

Victor:  What?

me:  Because I’m allergic to the latex in tape and I’d probably have a massive reaction and then I’d have to go the hospital and then they’d call the police because normal husbands don’t stick poisonous tape to their wives like some sort of deadly ankle-monitor.  And then you’d have to explain that to the police.  Who would be talking to you from my ankle.  Which would just be weird for all of us.

 

The 40,006th time:

Victor:  WHAT IF I WAS DEAD?  WHAT IF THIS WAS THE POLICE CALLING TO TELL YOU I JUST DIED?

me:  Well, that would be very depressing.

Victor:  Yes, but you’d never know because you never answer your phone.

me:  You can’t begrudge me a few extra hours of blissful ignorance.  Why are you in such a hurry to make me grieve for you?  It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Victor.

 

The 40,007th time:

me:  OH MY GOD, DON’T YELL AT ME.  I DIDN’T EVEN HEAR IT RING BEFORE.

Victor:  Um…this is actually the first time I’ve called you today.  You actually picked up the phone the first time I called.

me:  Seriously?  That’s so weird.

Victor:  I know.  I’m so shocked that you answered that I don’t even remember why I called anymore.  My mind has gone utterly blank.

me:  Awesome.  I think we just switched bodies.

 

********

On an entirely personal note, this week has been sort of shitty, and if things keep going the way they have been I suspect that by Saturday kittens will go extinct and I’ll have my face eaten off by horses.  But just when I was feeling really sorry for myself I got a note from my editor telling me that my book (Let’s Pretend This Never Happened) has been on the NYT best-seller list for the last three months.  Which is insane.  And amazing.  And completely thanks to you and your fantastic support.  So I’m doing another give-away as a small way to say “thanks”.  Leave a comment (about anything) and I’ll randomly pick a few winners to get signed copies of my book.  Or, if you already have my book I’ll just give you the $15 and you can buy something by Neil Gaiman.  That guy’s amazing.

2,243 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I’m single, but LOVE this. Why don’t people get it-the phone is there for my convenience and not the other way around.

    Like

  2. 2002
    Aflibble

    you make me smile, Thank you sometimes I really need that.

    Like

  3. OMG! You will never see this because I am so far down the line for a free book. Anyway, I enjoy your blog but sometimes feel sad about seeing your stuffed animals in party dresses, hats, and beads because they were celebrating when they died. (Hope my sense of humor gets me a book-it would thrill me)

    Like

    Mitzi Sorensen recently posted SWINGING PANTIES AND BRAS IN SLINGER, WISCONSIN.

  4. @ Gristle : Series for led lighting. This from a retired industrial/commercial union electrician. Me. Those of us who huddle within the penumbra of Jenny’s humour should help one another as we are best able. And I have an embarrassing amount of spare time…….

    Like

  5. 2005
    Tibby Fielding

    Comment #1,984 you may never see this comment, but if you do, I really hope your face hasn’t been eaten off by horses, or unicorns for that matter…..although that might be an amazing experience. just sayin.

    Like

  6. I really must get out of this house. Only 27 more weeks before the kids go back to school. Not. Surviving. Well.

    Question: Early this morning I found my 11yo daughter watching Hitler documentaries on Netflix. That’s not normal is it?

    And I’d love a signed book even though I bought a copy already.

    Like

  7. I bought your book and was 3/4 through it….when my dog decided that it tasted super delicious. Of course, he only mangled the last 1/4 of the book so I still don’t know how it ends. It’s like a cliffhanger!!

    Like

  8. OMG you are my husband!!! Except that he doesn’t have the decency to make up entertaining excuses for never returning my calls. I am going to go inform him that he’s slacking.

    Like

    Christina recently posted Beating the Heat.

  9. 2009
    Karen Carr

    Thanks for always making me laugh & for making me crave an eggroll!!

    Like

  10. Sorry this week was so crappy, but congrats on the good news! We need people like you.
    I got your book from the library and you could see it was already well-read.

    Like

  11. 2011
    Laurie T.

    Thank you for writing the book! Having that book has helped me get through a shitty month or so (lay offs, having to live apart from spouse, moving house, job search). When things got to be too much I would retreat to the bathroom with your book.

    Like

  12. 2012
    Michelle

    Prancercizing is the best way to get over a bad week. Google it.

    Like

  13. In regard to code words, I’ll tell you what we used to do when I was a Flight Attendant. The pilot told me that if I was ever being forced to call the cockpit by a hijacker, I should start the conversation with “This is Katie.” Since they already know your name, and there’s no reason to introduce yourself, doing so alerts them that something isn’t right, and they can be on guard.

    It came in useful exactly 0 times. But it MIGHT have saved lives!

    Like

    Katie Vyktoriah recently posted Daniel’s First Food.

  14. 2014
    Michelle

    When people ask for my cell number, I straight out tell them I don’t give it out because I don’t answer it. I just use it to call out when I have the need (of course I have a land line with an answering machine). I recommend this to you; change you cell number and only give Victor your land line number. ;-D

    Like

  15. I need your book because I gave away the other three copies I bought as gifts to people who NEEDED to read your book! And now I am again bookless! And sad.

    Like

  16. I’m sorry you’re having a rough week. The good news is, it is now Saturday, and kittens are NOT extinct.

    Like

  17. I wish I were as witty as you when aggravating my husband.

    Like

  18. 2018
    Jessica Deegan

    What’s a phone?

    Like

  19. 2019
    Melissa B in IL

    Thanks for bringing a smile to my face in the midst of your craptacular week! virtual hugs from a complete stranger!

    Like

  20. I’d pay you 15.00 to sign my book- which is the paperback version because I had to save some money to buy slippers for my frog (not really) and although I love my Kindle I had to have your book-book because I love the cover, and because I still enjoy holding a good book in my hand.
    Apparently a lot of people enjoy holding a good book too- so congrats for being on the list for so long- you earned it.
    Oh, and I bought the paperback to get the extra chapter, which is awesome.

    Like

  21. Would you like an email address from the clownswilleatme.com domain?

    Like

  22. 2022
    mary Campbell

    Poor Victor. I think he and I may be long lost siblings. It is truly difficult to be married to people who can’t seem to remember how to answer the phone. I think he and I are very much like Mother Theresa for enduring this.
    PS I really want to win a copy of your book. Please please please sign it too!!!!!

    Like

  23. Can I have a free book? (Insert a witty comment)

    Like

  24. As usual, I laughed out loud. Also, thank you for introducing me to David Thorne’s website. Now I have two blogs by awesome people who make me laugh to read! Win-win! :-)

    Like

  25. You are awesome. That is all

    Like

  26. I’d prefer less of the shit at work and no flowers thanks. ????

    Like

  27. Please tell me to stop reading this over and over. And to stop reading it to my husband…he has no sense of humor, at all. What does he mean I’m repeating myself, because it makes me laugh and I love laughing.

    Like

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  28. sorry for your loss. Sending prayers your way!

    Like

  29. 2029
    Danielle

    I have a few people in my life who never answer their phones too.

    Like

  30. it’s dangerous to read your blog with my Dragon microphone on my head because I start snort and giggle and then Dragon asks me to repeat what I said.

    The biggest problem with Dragon is that it doesn’t know how to swear — what kind of talked upset is that, mother trucker? (That was supposed to say — and now I’m going to have to spell all these words out — “what kind of fucked up shit is that?”)

    Like

    Sharon Wachsler recently posted Shit People Say to People with Speech Impairments.

  31. Whoops, I got so irritated and distracted by having to spell everything out that I forgot to make dragons say mother Fokker. Let’s try that again. I forgot to make Dragon say mother Fokker. I don’t know what Fokker means but apparently Dragon much prefers it to fucking, which I have trained it to spell.

    Like

    Sharon Wachsler recently posted Shit People Say to People with Speech Impairments.

  32. I dont know why Victor gets so pissy about you not answering your phone, you obviously did. Maybe he needs to have Beyonce in his office with him so he does not get so lonely, they could chat, and at the end of the day they could have a martini and cigar.

    Like

  33. At least you try. I just blatantly ignore phone calls that I don’t want to answer.

    Also, your book is awesome and hilarious and I love it (and would love a copy of it). Here’s hoping this week gets better. And that kittens never go extinct!

    Like

  34. I would LOVE a signed copy of your book. So much so, that I would even put down the David Sedaris I’m reading to read your book instead! So, there’s that. :)

    Like

    Allison recently posted Art: Figure 3.

  35. I find your humor therapeutic. Thank you.

    Like

  36. 2036
    Mcallister

    Thanks for the laugh. I really needed it today !

    Like

  37. lol hahahahhahaahaha so my funny “about anything” suggestion to you is 23thorns, that guy is hilarious.

    Like

    Spy Garden recently posted Garlic Scape Pizza.

  38. It would make my day better if you gave me a copy of your book. I have it on nook, I do dramatic readings from it for my friends when we go away for girls weekends, but I neeeeeed it. See, I get to break my daughter’s heart later this weekend because I found out some sad Doctor Who news (Damn you, Matt Smith!) and I’m not looking forward to it. Winning an autographed copy of your book won’t fix things, but at least when she’s in her room crying and doing the teenaged angst thing, I can hole up in mine and drink beer and re-read the chapter about picking your battles.

    Like

  39. Matt smith is leavin dr. Who which is utterly depressing and very exciting all st the same time. Also I live in Nashville. I think Beyonce has been here because there are small metal chickens every where. I think Beyonce gets around

    Like

  40. 2040
    Jennifer

    Yay, book success!

    Also, I have had similar phone conversations with many people…for many years. You’d think they’d realize, at some point, that I just usually forget to turn my phone on ring.

    Like

  41. I recently found you, you’re welcome, well actually my friend found you first then bought a copy of your book for me. I thouroughly enjoyed it except the chapter on the burial and unburial of your dog as mine just died a week prior and it made me sad and also panic about what i would do if that happed to my Minnie. Anyway , you are hilarious- like a grown up Junie B Jones.

    Like

  42. I am pretty certain this is what text messages were invented for. At least that’s what I tell my husband when I don’t pick up my phone.

    Like

  43. 2043
    Rebekah Johnson

    Pick me! Pick me! I would LOVE to have my own copy of your book. (Instead of getting it from the library, friends, unsuspecting passengers reading on subway, etc.) :)

    Like

  44. 2044
    Melissa C

    Sorry your week’s been crappy but I wish I was I was as funny as you. And had an awesome picture of Wil Wheaton collating.

    And I may have my phone in front of m all the time but I NEVER hear it when my boyfriend calls me.

    Like

  45. comment , and thanks for being freakin awesome!

    Like

  46. I laughed like crazy over your phone conversations and I don’t have a copy of your book. Pick me!

    Like

    Cindy in PA recently posted Spring in PA.

  47. 2047
    Christy W

    I have a digital copy of your book, but I’d love an autographed copy. It’s rare that I actually laugh out loud while reading, but I remember putting down my nook and cry-laughing at several points. Thank you for that. :)

    Like

  48. 2048
    Corey Bianco

    So I have decided that “Inner Ninja” is my new theme song. This is slightly ironic as I am the whitest, loudest, and clumsiest woman in Minnesota. I have recently begun to suspect that my inner ninja has been secretly kicking my arse when I’m not looking as I seem to be covered in strange, unexplainable bruises. I want to tell my inner ninja to cut that shit out, but apparently she’s a much better ninja than I expected and I can’t catch her to give her a stern talking to. Since there is no end in sight for my vicious inner ninja attacks, I just say a little prayer each night, “Please…not the face.” So far, so good.

    Like

  49. Honestly, I just found your blog awhile ago, and spent several days distracting myself from feeling terrible by reading through your blog and giggling hysterically.

    So thank you. :) You are clever, articulate and hilarious. I look forward to reading your book and future posts!

    Like

  50. 2050
    Sharon Schlup

    You never fail to bring a smile to my face!

    Like

  51. I need a new bedtime story book to read to my children at night. I think yours would be perfect.

    Like

  52. You are hysterically funny.

    Like

  53. Oh no! That ringing means I’m supposed to answer it?

    Like

  54. Neil Gaiman is amazing, but I don’t have your book yet.

    Like

    Jay recently posted Friday Fashion: Star Wars Cosplay for Lazy People.

  55. 2055
    Jennifer

    You never fail to crack me up.

    Like

  56. 2056
    Emily Hanson

    Your book is my “go to” on a bad day … and now I’ve given a few friends copies when they are having a rough patch. Thanks for making us all smile!

    Like

  57. Pick Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Or not. Whatever. I’ll still read your book. Somewhere. Somehow. Perhaps over someone’s shoulder, at Starbucks? Wait, I hate Starbucks. Nevermind. I’ll just buy it, and we can forget all about this comment. Cheers!

    Like

  58. I really hope you’re wrong and kittens aren’t extinct right now.

    And please throw Victor a bone and answer your damn phone.

    Like

    The lovely one recently posted Willow.

  59. I’m allergic to latex tape, too! Clearly we’re twins who were separated at birth. Except I answer my phone. Normally. Sometimes.

    Like

  60. I would LOVE to have your book! Sooo funny!

    Like

  61. Oh my goodness, you are hilarious! would love to read your book :)

    Like

  62. I’d like to say I just discovered you, your blog, your book, your awesomeness. But I didn’t discover you. My second cousin sort of stalked me on your behalf. I saw her twice in 3 days a few weeks ago, and she told me about you, how I should be reading your book, reading your blog, and braiding your hair if I could. Had I bought the book yet? How about now? But, I’m a contrarian. Any time something is sold so hard at me, I balk. Then, yesterday on Pinterest (which she sort of bullied me into joining a few months ago, and now it’s a major time suck) I saw a picture of a giant chicken. Which of course brought me here. So, after reading that post, and dying laughing, and I read it to my mom, while we both died laughing, and reading it to my husband, who apparently is a Victor and refused to laugh, I bought and read the book on my ereader and have subscribed to the blog. Yup. I full on drank the Kool-Aid. I’ve had a crap year, and am sitting in the middle of a season of discontent, but you really make me laugh, and that makes me feel less crazy. So, thanks for that.

    Like

  63. Answer your phone.It could be Steven Moffat wanting you to be the next Doctor.How cool would that be?! Also Hunter S Thomcat could totally be your sidekick since he’s already ginger.

    Like

  64. I’m too lazy to read so I listened to your book (and motherf**king loved it), my husband is not lazy and needs an actual book. Pretty Please :)

    Like

  65. Truth is, if you gave me the book I would just laugh hysterically…and then have to explain why I am laughing to my 3 year old….which would probably make me laugh that much harder…but as a single mom in Israel I think I’ve earned the chuckles.

    Like

  66. you rock.

    Like

    pickel recently posted dear mr. president, thanks..

  67. I just had to share this post with my sister-I am DEFINITELY the Victor in our sister-ship. Which also makes me think we’re pirates. Arg!

    Like

  68. 2068
    Bynadutch

    Your blog and your book has been an inspiration to my wife and many friends.
    You keep us all rolling with your real hilarious presentation of everyday real life.
    Your husband must be the most patient man on the planet.
    Oh, and Neil Gaiman is a genius.

    Like

  69. This post at 2 a.m. Was perfect while dealing with a cranky toddler.

    Like

  70. 2070
    Nick Duval

    My partner and I have conversations almost exactly like the ones between you and Victor.
    We read these constantly just because we know we have hope ;]
    LOVE YOU JENNY

    Like

  71. 2071
    Erin London

    Wow. So many people kissing your ass for a signed book….and here I am puckered up with an extra coat of lip balm. Well, I have somethng they fucking don’t…Jenny, we were separated at birth and I have the other half of the locket to prove it. I’ll wait for you to process this bit of highly emotional information. I know you’ll do the right thing…well, probably.

    Like

  72. <3

    Like

  73. Omg I will definitely steal these excuses!!! I never hear my phone ring. Tho I often dance to the ring tone without realizing the music is my phone ringing!

    Like

  74. 2074
    Tamara N.

    Oh I can so relate to Victor. lol! Thanks for making me laugh so hard! :)

    Like

  75. I just got a cochlear implant. Now I can go on Youtube and hear you sing!

    Like

    Laura recently posted Friday Reads: Still Life in Brunswick Stew by Larissa Reinhart.

  76. 2076
    tom bauer

    that was glorious. victor inspires me to write poems about him.

    Like

  77. My husband and I have very similar conversations. I don’t like the stress of never missing a call.

    Like

  78. I don’t really have my website up yet. I feel like a minority who never has her website up but who every person who wants you to leave a comment, expects you to have a website. I used to have a Website. I still have the address to my website
    Savanvleck.com I just haven’t finished coding/creating/screaming at it yet.
    So, please send me one of your books, before I kill my website or just plain out have a nervous breakdown from trying to figure out the creation of my website.
    Love your blog

    Like

  79. I’m sorry your week has been so shitty. I hope that it gets better soon.

    Like

  80. There should totally be a way to leave a picture in a comment because then I could leave you a picture of my precious kitten to prove they aren’t extinct.

    Like

  81. You are amazing. And I really want those horse butt bar stools…because if I said horse stools, someone may think, well, it’s just a load of poop. Sorry you have had a bad week. We love you!

    Like

    TPPC.tv, Pets Teach Us So Much Radio Show, Podcast & Blog recently posted An emotional farewell to a police dog on his “final journey”.

  82. I just finished your book a few minutes ago and I LOVED it!

    Like

  83. 2083
    vanessa

    I am definitely using some of this WHEN I don’t answer my phone. Thanks for the new material…my old excuses were getting old.

    Like

  84. 2084
    Valerie Margaret

    Just love what I have read. I would love to own a copy of your book.

    Like

  85. Read it after I got it from the library, but I need my own copy because I refer to your life often and I need to have it in print since no one believes me!

    Like

  86. I went out to celebrate my birthday yesterday and came home with a giant metal chicken. People stared as I walked through the street market as though they had never seen a girl taking her metal chicken for a walk. Actually, it’s rooster and he was very polite, he bowed and nodded and would have doffed his hat had he been wearing one. He’s living on the back deck right now, settling in nicely and has been named Jake. Had it not been for you and Beyonce, I never would have had the courage to get him.

    Like

  87. Thank you for making us laugh – our week has been very sad for reasons, and today you were able to help make the sun shine a little brighter. My boyfriend has been a fan of yours for years and told me about your site when we first started dating. He would be tickled if we got something from you :)

    Like

  88. You said to leave a comment about anything, so while I want to tell you how much I enjoy your shared hilarity, I shall tell you about my confused hen, Lucy, who is sitting on a clutch of eggs hoping for chicks. She’s confused because every time another hen hops into a nearby nesting box, Lucy jumps off her eggs and sits on the other lady’s egg. It’s taking neighborliness way too far.

    Like

  89. The book would be awesome because I already bought it on Kindle and I’m getting old and I can’t see the pictures. I hear the photos are larger in the printed version. Also, my kids who are 12 & 14 read it and loved it and said they feel just slightly less like they have the weirdest family on the planet now. Except that I let my son read your book at 11. (So much for parenting. We also took them to see David Sedaris.) It’s all culture right? Anyway, we all love your writing.

    Like

  90. I um… er… want book? Yes? Thank you

    Like

  91. Jenny, I already bought your book, but I would like a signed copy. Tell you what, you send me a signed copy of your book, and I will send you a signed copy of my book, but since my book costs $30 you’re getting the better end of the deal even though you are the one saying thank you. So in a way, you’ll owe me.

    Like

  92. I never answer when my phone rings. Apparently people find that annoying?

    Like

  93. Sorry your week was sucky. But look at how many readers you have! 2084 comments before mine!

    Like

  94. One of these days you will actually pick me so I will keep trying because I’m very excited for that moment to happen.

    Like

    Tara recently posted A vacuum cleaner for Christmas.

  95. I’ve been silently stalking your blog for months without ever leaving a response but the time has come because you asked and I like free stuff (especially your book, which in hardcover is much too pricey for me, ((which means I’ve overspent my ice cream and cigarette allowance this week)) and I don’t want to steal it digitally).

    Best,

    Lillith X

    Like

  96. You make even the shittiest ig shitty days bearable!

    Like

  97. I showed this to my DH. He read it all with a slight smile.
    Then said, “You still have to answer your phone.”
    And then tacks on “And Victor is still gonna be pissed at Jenny.”

    I already bought your book a long time ago… but if I were to win it I’d give it to someone who hasn’t!

    Like

    Merrick recently posted Main Street Cinema!.

  98. 2098
    Suzanne

    Dude I would LOVE a copy of your book. I got it on my Nook but that’s not really the same thing, is it? I should have a LIBRARY of good books to infect my spawn-girl with, right?

    Like

  99. 2099
    astrid tunbridge

    Would SO love a copy of your book!

    Like

  100. 2100
    Sarah JM

    Yeah, I never answer my phone. Unless it seems like a life or death deal, and even then it’s iffy.

    Like

  101. 2101
    Bethany Ciora

    My Dad gave your book to read-which I loved. We were discussing it at my son’s soccer
    Game when my Dad said “she really seems to be obsessed with vaginas”
    You’d think that would be an awkward moment but no I just laughed
    And agreed with him!

    Like

  102. I need your book. I used to read a book a week. At minimum. But lately, I haven’t and that is really depressing.

    And my husband gets really mad when I don’t answer the phone because I leave it on vibrate all the time. I was at my dad’s one day and he called 15 times and I never answered. I finally called him back and he was almost at my dad’s house because he said he was afraid I was in an accident so he went to find me. Oppppppsssss.

    Like

    katie lake recently posted A Super Easy Wicker Patio Chair Makeover.

  103. Jenny – so sorry that you’ve had a shitty week! **BIG HUG** You are the bestest, you make life better for all of us who read & love you blog, and you are also an inspiration by your candidness about your various struggles. Hang in there, hope this next week will be better! And congrats on having been a top seller for so long. (Yay!) I still need to buy my copy, so maybe I can help keep it up there on the list for a little longer! HAVE A GREAT WEEK! We all love you tons & bunches.

    Like

  104. 2104
    Aynsley

    ring a ding ding

    Like

  105. Congrats Jenny! I hope you have a better weekend/next week :) I look forward to reading your updates, they definitely brighten my day. Also all the weird women in my family love your book, so much so that my (most awesome) aunt got my sister and I Juanita aprons as gifts. Just awesome.

    Like

  106. I bought your book for my sister some time ago – and the last time she had a chance to read it she was sick, and you made her laugh so hard she would have a coughing fit and see spots. Understandably, she put it down.

    She got married yesterday – and your book is going with her on her honeymoon. Thank you for starting my sister’s marriage off with laughter. And taxidermied animals. :)

    Like

  107. Hi. Please give me your book. I really liked it, and I’d like to read it again, and I’m totally low on cash. Thanks!

    Like

    Missy recently posted Movies and mayhem.

  108. Most humans have butts.

    Like

  109. Hahaha

    Like

  110. I would love one of your books! I hope you haven’t picked the winners yet! :)

    Like

  111. I don’t like phones much. Which is why when I phone my husband and he does not answer I go a little ape. I mean, do I really have to make YET ANOTHER CALL on this thing I already don’t really like? But all of that is probably a mute point if you consider that I need to phone my husband about 10 times a day to discuss everything that comes up, including the emails I jsut sent him….

    Like

  112. 2017 comments. Figures.
    It just took me like a year and a half to scroll down and say something.
    I hate the word scroll. I hate all words that start with scro-
    You’re welcome.

    Like

  113. This is possibly your best post ever.

    Love it. And love the book, too.

    Catherine

    Like

    Catherine recently posted Farmers’ Market Post – Winter is Coming, and I have a cold.

  114. I thank god for your blog especially on Monday mornings.

    Like

  115. 2115
    Crystal

    Although I already have a copy of your book, I would gladly pass it on to somebody else to have a signed copy! :)

    Like

  116. Love this. and I know I won’t win. I never do. but I would like to – really. Or I may get my face bitten off by a horse, or a donkey. whatever

    Like

  117. 2117
    Amy in Atlanta

    Congratulations on your book!

    Like

  118. 2118
    Nancy S

    I would love a signed copy of your book!
    And I look forward to your blog every.single.day :)

    Like

  119. 2119
    Beth Cousino

    I would love a signed copy of your book! I couldn’t get to your book signing when you came through Cincinnati! I look forward to your twisted sense of humor and completely unique way of viewing the world around you. Thank you for making me laugh out loud every time I read something you wrote!

    Like

  120. I already have your book – but not the one with extra chapters…or a signed version so if I win its an welcome upgrade!! Plus I already pre-ordered Neil Gaiman’s new book that comes out this month :)

    Like

  121. 2121
    Jamie Starkey

    I love the conversations between you and Victor!

    Like

  122. Victor doesn’t understand…. cell phones are useful because they are there when YOU want them. Not when others want you to have them. Also, they’re doing construction upstairs and I just heard a crack that sounded like they were uncomfortably close to breaking through my ceiling. bah. would love a book!

    Like

  123. OH MY GOD It’s so hard to get to the bottom of this page, it kept just scrolling backwards! The forces of the internet are trying to keep me from getting a comment in and competing for a free book!

    Anyway, I would really like one because my mom is turning 70 this year and I think she would love this book. If I don’t get a book that’s fine, I will still buy it, but I’d really like to not buy it if I can because I just graduated from grad school and I owe like my first born child to Federal Loans. This book wouldn’t even make a dent, but that’s the excuse I’m going with for the next ten years whenever I have to spend any money.

    Anyway, I love you Jenny! And I still want to live in your haunted dollhouse all the time!

    PS – I don’t know how to work the internet either… definitely just left this comment under the actual book page. I’m sorry. I would get rid of it but I don’t know how.

    Like

  124. you rock…. what happened to the last drawing it just like fell off the face of the earth… love ya. I just finished your book for the second time on my kindle and would love a real version of it!

    Like

    Holly recently posted Unreal Candy thank you Bzzagent!!.

  125. 2125
    Kimberly T.

    I have decided you would be the absolute best grocery store shopping partner ever. All the bananas in our local stores have words magically appearing. It’s AWESOME! Thanks for that, f’real.

    Like

  126. Kittens still exist as of this morning. I know because mine laid on my face all night and I woke up sneezing. I thought that might help make things seem a little brighter.

    Also, you’re fantastic and this made my shitty morning a thousand times better.

    Like

    Kiri Palm recently posted lock and key.

  127. This post perfectly describes my husband and I with my phone. I blame my cats, as I usually don’t hear it due to them using it as a seatcushion for their furry butts. Evidently feline fur if the perfect noise cancelling insulation.

    Like

  128. 2128
    Elizabeth A.

    PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME!!!! Not only because I really want a signed copy but because I feel your pain. You can’t believe some of the nasty, hateful messages that my husband has left on my voicemail just because i haven’t answered my cell.

    Like

  129. I totally want to win! I’d totally go for your book- I sort of own almost everything by Neil Gaiman already :D

    Like

  130. thank you for marvelous ideas on what to say to my husband the next time he complains about me not answering my phone – which will undoubtedly happen soon. I want to readd the book for more clues to a happy marriage.
    Happy Monday,
    Pat

    Like

  131. I already have your book, but I loaned it out and I fear I’ll never see it again so I want, no I need another!

    Like

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  132. I know you aren’t British, but when I first heard about your site (not that long ago) I totally read everything you wrote on your page in a British accent. (blogess- I mean, it’s not even a real title like say “duchess” is, but what the hey right?) Having a husband named Victor somehow adds to the whole thing. Then I saw you on some CNN thing, my world was temporarily rocked, and I still can not read your blogs without hearing a sort of British voice. Oh, and I’m from NJ, and probably have a really bad idea of what a British accent should be like, so it’s very awkward. I know it’s a bit odd, but I don’t think I’ll ever shake it, and I guess that’s ok.

    PS I tried picturing your husband as the guy from the young and the restless soap I watched when I was home from school on a sick day growing up. I don’t recall him being very British either, but that dude had a serious mustache.

    Like

  133. 2133
    Katie Frank

    I just bought this book for my mom, who has been battling depression for…Hell…. too many years! She called me when your book arrived in the mail and she said she laughed so hard, it was like she was in a comedy club (a GOOD one). She then proceeded to read the title of the first chapter, then the second, then “ok, just one more.”

    Thank you for brining joy to my mom’s life. Hearing her laugh that deep, *true* laugh is the best sound a daughter can hear. Thank you :)

    Like

  134. I totally relate, because some people even have asked why do I have a phone if I never answer it… So simple, so I can call them, not the other way around. :)

    I want a book please.

    Like

    Mexmom recently posted Another approach at discipline.

  135. 2135
    Ron Cram

    If my wife disrespected me in this way, we would have major problems. Just sayin.

    Like

  136. 2136
    Melissa

    I love everything about this post! Congrats on the success!

    Like

  137. I already have your book and most of Neil Gaiman’s! Wouldn’t mind winning an autograph! Hope the RA is doing better too.

    Like

  138. 2138
    chelsea

    and I thought I was the only one having a shitty week. Thanks!

    Like

  139. This is my random comment! About anything or nothing really.

    Like

  140. Just read your book on my Kindle, and am now trying to read your entire blog because I’ve apparently been living under a rock.

    Like

  141. 2141
    DarthMama

    Victor sounds like my husband, since I really don’t bother to answer my phone much. I have valid reasons for not answering the phone, too. I made the mistake once of attending a PTA meeting, and now I have to hide from the PTA mafia for the rest of my life. Those parents do NOT take no for an answer!

    Like

  142. My last week and a half was not as bad as that, probably this one will just end with all kittens hating me rather than going extinct. Could still use a copy of your book to make me laugh though.

    Like

  143. 2143
    Baljinder

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Like

  144. you rock.

    never answer the phone on the first ring. It might be bad news.

    Like

    Theresa recently posted Excited, overwhelmed, intrigued.

  145. Actually, I went to elementary school with a girl who had her check bit off by horse. Go figure. Best of luck to kittens. May they make it through this weekend.

    Like

  146. I have the audio version (which made my children stomp away because I was laughing so hard and wouldn’t explain the joke) and I love it so much – I hope to win this so I can give it to my friends to read.

    Like

  147. 2147
    Jessica Britten

    I would veto the ankle phone as well – i am SO not that flexible…

    Like

  148. Last weekend my husband and I spent a few days at my parents’ lake house and I was so excited to find our neighbors had a big metal chicken on their front porch! Hartwell, Georgia may be full of rednecks, but you know they must have good taste if they have big metal chickens on their front porch. [I just had to post a photo to FaceBook and I could not believe how many “likes” it got- apparently I also have good taste in friends ;)]

    I’d love to read your book!

    Like

  149. 2149
    Emy Roles

    I saw your book in a bookstore in Ireland when I was there this month. I don’t know why but it made me smile!

    Like

  150. Maybe Victor can start calling my fiance so he’ll learn to answer the phone too? I’ll call you and we can just chat. If you answer….

    Like

    Ness recently posted The Magic of Summer.

  151. I get it… I hate talking on the phone. I’d love to win though.

    Like

    Jen recently posted Free Treat!.

  152. 2152
    the distracted giraffe

    Pick me! Pick me! If I win I’ll either a) give the book to my lovely bestest friend Misty or b) use the DNA from your signature to make hundreds of Jenny clones that I will use to fire-proof orphans and save people from poisonous ankle tape undoubtedly put there by their dastardly, conniving husbands. Just thought I’d alert you to the impending wave of press you’ll get when your clones engineer a new species of un-extinct-able (?) kittens. Kurd love you XD

    Like

  153. 2153
    the distracted giraffe

    Aw shit. Please ignore the “Kurd” in my previous comment. Where the hell did that come from?

    Like

  154. Hi, Jenny. I see like 2500 comments here and well, talk about slim chances. -_-
    I have a degree in engineering and an IT associate job and I’m giving that all away because I want to write. I have been looking for a writing job for a month now and I have a telephonic interview with this firm that might offer me a content writing position if I pass the interview. The starting pay is very less, but this is to following your dreams, right?
    I want your book. Signed at that. WhatteyBARGAIN. GIVE ME, please? :)

    Like

  155. If phones were meant to be answered, they’d do away with Caller ID and voice mail.

    Like

    Stephanie recently posted How to Move Your Blog to a New URL Domain Name- part 2.

  156. I need to learn how to play beer pong.

    Can’t wait to read your book!

    Like

  157. You are so fun! – I am reading your book for book club, and just now looked at your blog and that conversation about answering the phone I love. Also love Neil Gaiman. I started reading his stuff in 2005, beginning with “Neverwhere”. Next was “American Gods”. Then “Coraline”, “The Graveyard Book”, some of his Sandman series, and a fairy tale about a princess and a tiger. I bookmarked your blog because I want to see something funny every morning. Great stuff!

    Like

  158. i’m with victor on this one… i CAN´T PHISICALLY LET THE PHONE RING more than once! it drives me crazy!!
    it also makes me very anxious when the home phone rings… for me it means bad news

    Like

  159. bought the book, loved the first few chapters, then LEFT THE BOOK on a plane in Atlanta. So, if you have some random person suddenly become a fan (probably a flight attendant) you have me to thank for being forgetful. You’re welcome. :)

    Also, obviously I would like to finish the book. Here’s to hopeful randomnimity.

    Like

  160. Love, love, LOVE the conversations with Victor!! I really, really, really want your book!! I’ve been waiting for the library copy forEVER!

    Like

  161. I need to crib some of these responses for my own loving husband. Do I need to give you attribution *during* the phone call, or can it wait until he gets back home? Thanks! (PS: I’d *love* a copy of your book)

    Like

  162. Hey, Jenny ~ I would love a signed copy so that I can give away my first one – it actually worked much better than the antidepressants I was waiting for the pharmacist to refill when I discovered your book in the grocery store and started reading it. I was so happy to discover your blog after I finished your book. Thank you so much for all that you share with us. I hope you your week is looking up now. Because I love kittens as much as your writing. And face-eating is unseemly.

    Like

  163. 2164
    Ron Cram

    I hope Victor gets counseling so he can overcome his co-dependence. A healthy person would not put up with being ridiculed in public.

    Like

  164. I probably already missed the cut off on the giveaway, but I still wanted to let you know you are awesome. And I’ve been in the process of moving for the last 3 weeks, but now that I’m settled I am going to get a copy of that book.

    Like

    Linz recently posted Kinecting.

  165. I adore you, Jenny. You make even the shittiest days a hell of a lot more fun. Thanks for being so awesome!

    Like

  166. Way to go, you! Your sense of humor does a great deal of good in the world.

    Like

    Summer recently posted Hamburgers and Tunes.

  167. I sort of don’t deserve to win your book since I’m not one of the people who bought it and kept you on the best-seller list but I’d like to win one anyway.

    Like

    Alie Kriofske recently posted What parenting sometimes means.....

  168. 2169
    KoffeeKat

    Wombat weasel.

    Like

  169. 2170
    Melanie

    This post was hilarious. Thank you for being so funny. Highlight of my week! :)

    Like

  170. –>My husband calls me on my cell phone, calls me at my desk where my cell is sitting, texts me on the cell phone and then emails me at my work email and personal account which is all in the same office. Five minutes later when I call him back to say I was in a MEETING, he doesn’t understand.

    So I repeat it very SLOW____LLLYYYYY

    Like

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  171. I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy you. I read your book and have bought it twice as gifts for special friends who share my somewhat twisted sense of humor. Keep it up–you’re great!

    Like

    Donna recently posted Handwoven Mobius Poncho by MyPeriwinkleDreams.

  172. i swear i’m perpetually 6 months away from getting rid of my phone, forever. why don’t they make phones that don’t give or receive calls?

    Like

  173. At least you’re putting the effort in. Hope you get to go swimming soon (for ‘swimming’ substitute anything summery that you actually like doing).

    Like

  174. Non-phone-answering solidarity!!!

    Like

  175. I go from being happy to depressed or anxious and I’m trying to hold on tight to a memory from yesterday. My son is 2 years old and I threw “helicopter” seeds up in the air. It was the first time he’s ever seen them twirl down to Earth and he was completely fascinated and happy.

    Like

    BiPagan recently posted Booklist 2012, 35 "books" this year.

  176. 2177
    Emma Sachs

    Oh thank you for making me laugh. Every time I feel down about something I come here and then I completely forget why I was upset. You are wonderful!

    Like

  177. 2178
    Lori Mercedes

    I use 200 cell minutes a month and 100,000+ texts…we have the same issue.

    Like

  178. Thank you so much for sharing! You make me feel normal. I would LOvE a copy of your book!!!

    Like

  179. who are the winners of the book???? I NEeeeeeed a signed copy so badly…. I’m going to scratch up some furniture to destress…. *claws*

    Like

    B recently posted My condition IFPBM… Preventing me from getting things done.

  180. 2181
    Michelle

    would love a copy of your book…you are so funny!

    Like

  181. Hope your week improves and congrats on your book’s awesome success!!

    Like

  182. congrats and other than that hope your day gets better! Oh and pick me me me me me !!!! ;)

    Like

    Kelley recently posted Healthy Greek Yogurt Coleslaw.

  183. More than 2,000 comments??? I’m more likely to win the G-damn lottery than win one of your books. And then I can buy hundreds of your G-damn books and hold my own cute little give-away contest. Where there will be fewer comments than free books, so everyone will win. So there, and thanks.

    Like

  184. Just in case you are as behind as I am, I want to leave a note to say I totally want your book. I haven’t read it yet and I really badly want to.

    Like

  185. Silly girl, horses don’t eat faces. (But they do step on cell phones that fall out of your pocket while you’re bent over trimming their cute little toesies.)

    Cheers!
    -T

    Like

  186. 2187
    Christina

    I’ve recently decided to re-read Lets Pretend This Never Happened, not only because it makes me so happy, but I too need a self help book on how to raise indoor raccoons during unfavourable Canadian tempatures, as they are slowly taking over the world.

    Like

  187. YAY!!!!

    Like

  188. Wow….comment #2188…89…88…no 89. I feel like the donkey in Shrek and the only thing to say is ooo oooo pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!! So donkey loves your blog and was laughing histerically at yet another extremely entertaining Victor/Jenny convo. Why he doesn’t love you so much for providing constant entertainment is beyond me!

    Like

  189. You should pick me because I have a funny email address.
    Sometimes weeks (or months or years) are shitty. It will get better. Promise.

    Like

  190. Oh hell! Having your book to call my own would be horrible! All the nights doubled over in pain from holding back the laughter as my boyfriend sleeps, but if I have to I will take one for the team. Someone’s got to right?

    P.s. It would be AWESOME!

    Like

  191. Knock, knock, mf.

    Luv,
    Beyonce

    Like

  192. How did I JUST see this?!
    Crap.

    Like

    Julie recently posted Accompaniment Energy..

  193. 2194
    Shannon G.

    I am exactly like that with my phone too! Except I don’t pick up because I set it down and can never find it…

    Like

  194. GAH! I would give money to have an actual conversation with you. Hilarious! Chin up, love!

    Like

  195. I got to see Wicked last night! Awesome

    Like

  196. I often don’t answer my phone. Because I get freaked out talking to people. I would much rather they text me. Or email me. Because my phone does all that, too. I just don’t want to talk to them.

    Like

  197. SO needed that chuckle today – thank you!! Now I’m moving on to the Google post. Screw work!

    Like

  198. I LOVE Neil Gaiman too! But in a different way than I love you, Jenny. And I am prolly too late to be in the running for an autographed copy of your book and I live in Germany anyway, so I would prolly at LEAST need to pay for postage….but I sure would be honored to have an autographed copy. I read your book outloud to my husband and we both laughed and laughed and you blog is often the highlight of my day. SO….whether I win or not….thank you, Jenny. I know you may feel like you don’t really do anything…but you light up my life! Thank you SOOOO much.

    Like

  199. OK, this is a comment – do you ever have to call Victor? Is he having separation issues? Maybe a nice cookie would help.

    Like

  200. I swear my wife and I have the same conversations as you and Victor. We just can’t figure out which one of us is Jenny and who is Victor.

    Like

  201. 2202
    Marti Simons

    I have to make an appt. with my husband if I want him to answer his phone. Seriously. God forbid there is ever an emergency. He won’t even look at his phone when it is ringing.

    Me: “Your phone is ringing”
    Him: “Yes, but I am not expecting a call”
    Me: “What if someone needs you?”
    Him: “They will let me know.”
    Me: “But you don’t listen to messages.”
    Him: “If it is really important they will track me down, no one told me they were going to call me today”

    GAAAA! I want to strangle him. Sigh.

    Like

  202. My wife is like that … not only with phonecalls… its an experience :)

    Like

  203. When I first saw my pineapple lamp, I felt as if we were running to each other. In slow motion across a field of poppies. And the tinman was there cause he is made out of metal and he was happy for us.

    I remember that feeling everytime I turn on the lamp and the pineapple GLOWS!

    Like

  204. 2205
    Vicki Fitch

    On the bright side we all benefit from the comedy and one of these days Victor might actually bring you those egg rolls.

    Like

  205. 2206
    Nestor Villa

    Your book, I’d love that shit! :)

    Like

  206. Awesome! I wanna read your book!

    Like

  207. These sound like conversations my ex and I use to have. He hated that I wouldn’t always answer his calls.

    Like

    Jennifer recently posted Howdy!!.

  208. omg!! Your entire conversation with Victor is basically my aunt and her husband! Funniest thing ever!

    Like

  209. 2210
    Heather R.

    I say this with as much enthusiasm as possible…I like pie.

    Like

  210. I love you…so very much…can I have your book now please?

    P.S. What does Victor look like. I don’t think I have seen a picture of him. Are you going to make me look through thousands of posts to maybe not even find one?

    Like

  211. Oh my gosh this is so me and my hubby when it comes to me and my phone.

    Like

    Punky Coletta recently posted Have More Sex.

  212. 2213
    Melissa

    I am reading your book right now and it is HILARIOUS! I actually just found your blog today. Your book makes me laugh so hard I actually cry.

    Like

  213. Like Melissa, I just found your blog.

    I read your book on a road trip at Christmas and cried with laughter the entire way home. I tried to read parts to my husband, but couldn’t through all the sobs of laughter. I made him read it. Then I made my daughter read it. Then I made my book club read it – we’re meeting this Wednesday. I’ve asked them to bring along an embarrassingly hilarious (now, looking back at it) story of their childhood/adolescence/adulthood.

    Thank you for helping me keep my New Year’s resolution to read more humorous books :)

    Like

  214. I teach 2nd grade. Right before school was out, I was trying to explain to a seven-year-old why getting his mom to go back and sign all of his homework from a week ago (instead of each night, like the other children) wouldn’t cut it. “You can’t go back in time, dude,” I was heard to say. He looked at me with utter contempt and then said, as if I was the lowest form of ignoramus, “Uh, you can if you have a T.A.R.D.I.S.”

    Later, his family bought me awesome Doctor Who Legos for an End of the Year present.

    He stole them.

    True story.

    Like

  215. Me and some friends are doing a pro bono project at portraitsinblue.com. Can I get you to fill out the survey questionnaire – or even better, fill it out and mention it here. Love to hear from anyone who has a view

    Like

  216. I want that book! You are awesome!

    Like

  217. …..can has book?

    Like

  218. I’m ruthlessly plagarizing this conversation to have with my husband.

    Like

  219. We’re reading your book as our first one in our newly formed book club. We’re also each bringing a bottle of wine with a name that reminds us of the book. Any suggestions? I was thinking maybe “Oops Merlot” tagline: a cheeky little red.

    Like

  220. Based on this comment alone, I MUST read your book!
    “You know, at this point it’s sort of your fault for expecting me to answer the phone at all. It’s not like I haven’t set a precedent.”
    And I will definitely use this response the next time my sister bitches about me not answering! Thank you!

    Like

  221. I just found out about your blog. It makes me feel more adequate. I love your sense of humor. I wish I could also rock your lines when having those phone conversations. I would love to read your book

    Like

  222. Whew! Switch RSS feeds and just found you again!

    Like

  223. You are amazing. I found you after the chicken incident and my life has never been the same. Keep on being “Like Mother Teresa, only better” chica.

    Shan

    Like

    Shannon Wilkinson recently posted Flower Power.

  224. 2225
    Kimberli

    Holy shit… I had to scroll through looooooottttttts of comments to get here. I deserve to win. Though I’d like a signed copy to give a friend. I’ve got one already… :-)

    Like

  225. You guys need your own reality show. Seriously. Love your banter.

    Like

    Heather recently posted Guest Post: Melyssa From The Nectar Collective.

  226. Hi, Jenny. I’m sure I’m too late to comment on this post and win an autographed copy of your book, but I’m always wanting to comment so thought this would be a good time “just in case”. I already have your book, the kindle version. I love it and have read it twice already. I read your blog at work but on my phone in case you talk about something that should not be showing up on my computer. I think you are hilarious! When I read Victor’s comment “the cats have gone crapping on the stairs” I almost spit my pudding all over my phone!! Too funny. You are a true gem. And, on a side note, I have suffered from depression since (forever I think) at least late childhood. I am 42 now and still having trouble. I think it is great that you are so honest about it with us, your fans. I really do appreciate it.

    Like

  227. I know I’m way late on this one, but I’ve been AWOL. Had to post because my husband goes nuts over the phone thing, too. His first conclusion if I don’t answer (or even more so if I pocket dial him) is that I and our daughter have been kidnapped or are being axe-murdered. His reaction is NEVER to call the police, just to keep obsessively calling me until I answer so he can scream at me. Then I’m torn between laughing and getting pissed off that he hasn’t called in the troops. It’s a dilemma.

    I’m not posting in hopes of getting your book since I have the hardback, paperback and e-book (you never know which format you’ll want to read), but feel free to send me a taxidermied mouse, a card, or just some good thoughts my way! Your blog gives me great joy – Thank you!!!

    Like

  228. I didn’t send you the bat, but I wish I had. Fantastically ridiculous.

    Like

  229. I just read this whole post aloud to my husband. I told him I love you so much because I understand your logic. To which he replied “What logic?!?” I simply smiled and said “Exactly. She’s perfect!” <3 You are freaking awesome Jenny!

    Like

    Alley recently posted Small Simply Hot Pink Dog Collar by gigitucker.

  230. I realize this post is old news by now but I love to make an entrance! I’m a designer and work in a old civil war era brick building…. This morning I walked in and the unmistakingly fresh smell of death lingered in the air. To make a long story short I immediately thought of you. :) best wishes Jenny. Looking forward to a second book ;-)

    Like

  231. 2232
    seraphim's mum

    Okay – this is really old news but it rings so true – I am married to a Victor but does he ever stop to consider his own phonequitte – no. He screens. So I may not answer immediately (or at all), I have a number of situations in which I simply refuse to answer the phone (gym, lectures, driving, bath, eating……yoga, bed etc.), and I often have the ringer off, but at least I never glance at the screen and decide I don’t want to talk to him……..I may think it but if by chance I hear the phone ring, it can be located in time and it is from him I never hit decline :-)

    I actually think by husband has used all those lines about my lack of phone answering …… but clearly time I got a whole lot more inventive with my answers.

    Like

  232. My 17 year old cat Bunny, walked out of my life last week. I was doing something good…painting that door that was installed 5 years ago and had never been painted…and she just walked out the door and never came back. At least that’s what I guess happened, because I didn’t see her go. But the door was open for a couple of hours while I was working, and she disappeared that day. Life can be a bitch sometimes.

    And then today, I see that you’re doing this giveaway, but I’m 3 months late. But then, I don’t see a deadline, so maybe it’s like the door; it can still be painted later. But then my other cat, Zeke might run away. Nevermind.

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  233. When someone asks me why don’t I ever answer the phone, I’ll say: because I already knew it was you. Everyone assumes that if you have a phone they can call you at any time at any place they wish & you’re supposed to answer when they want.It reminds me of a joke about an old lady whose husband gives her a mobile phone for the very first time & when he calls to ask her if she likes her new phone, she says “yes , but how did you know where to find me”. Good luck with your new book.

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  234. Many thanks for the good writeup. It in fact used to be your discretion bank account the item. Look advanced for you to extra produced acceptable from you! On the other hand, what exactly is be in contact?

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  235. OMG how have we never met – separated at birth lol I hate answering my phone! Txt me, email me, meet me in person (I’m very sociable you know lol) but please! For the love of god, stop calling me!
    (Yes, mother in law that includes you!!!)

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  236. Omg I am the victor in my relationship. my wife never answers the phone because i suspect she is having too much fun with her Lesbian…i mean girlfriend…yah right!

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  237. Hysterical! I’m cracking up!

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  238. either I missed the point or I lack the sense of humor to understand what’s soo funny. It kills me not to know if she’s safe or if she’s gonna be late.

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  239. I would have dumped you a looooong time ago haha.

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  240. On one hand, I appreciate your wit. On the other hand, I think it’s rude for a spouse not to answer their phone when their spouse is calling, especially if this happens regularly. I am serious. It is VERY disrespectful.

    No, your spouse doesn’t own you, it’s not about that, it’s about respect. OK if you have one of those obsessive types who has to call you every 5 minutes or something, okay–otherwise, yes, answer your phone already.

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  241. What I find fascinating about this particular list of exchanges…aside from its most basic, underlining amusement factor!… is that they ALL take place via cell phone. You don’t wait til the poor guy gets home to have this convo. So, you’ve picked up the phone…. uh…. in order to be yelled at for NOT picking up the phone. Which should make you less likely to answer the phone. And if you NEVER answered the phone, these gems would never have been uttered. Thus depriving all us internet people of this amusing post.

    I can’t describe it any better so I will have to hope that you or someone else understands the irony that I’m failing to capture properly.
    (Also there are too many comments to skim through; it’s quite possible someone else already mentioned this way back two-and-a-half years ago when you wrote this. In which case I apologize for being repetitive.)

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  242. Wow, she’s a writer and can’t pick up her phone? Wouldn’t want to interrupt that loud typing noise that blocks out the ringing of a phone. Now I can understand why her husband is pissed.

    Like

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