Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Unless you win. Then it totally happened.

Today I got a box filled with vintage glass cow eyeballs.  Except replace “vintage glass cow eyeballs” with “new copies of the UK version of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened“.

They’re very similar in that they are both fairly baffling and people can’t help but pick them up and wonder at them.  And also, you don’t actually need a whole box of them.  At most you can only use a dozen glass cow eyeballs and then the rest just go to waste.  Ditto with a giant box of books.  That’s why I’m giving away several here this week (autographed books, not eyeballs).  All you have to do is leave a comment and you’re entered to win.

This copy includes the new chapter, which you might possibly be in. Please don't sue me.

What should you comment about?  Anything.  Your favorite toe.  The pet names of your body parts.  How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime.  The number of bodies you can fit under your bed.  It’s totally up to you.

Also, for some strange reason this bewildering memoir is still on the Indie Bestseller lists and the NYT bestseller list and I’m still getting emails from people who had never even heard of this blog but who stumbled over the book and are so thankful that they’ve finally found their tribe.  Thank you for being that tribe.  And thank you for letting me be a part of it.

4,082 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Our box spring is snapped in half, so that would be zero bodies for me!

  2. Love reading your posts…they make me giggle, even when I don’t want to. Thanks for the years of laughs and virtual support. And for all you do — it means so much to see how much you care about everyone else. Even with your own struggles.

  3. I don’t have a favorite toe, but I’m happy when they’re all painted.

    Adrienne recently posted French Toast.

  4. I could fit three regular size bodies under my bed. If they were properly diced, I could probably do about five. Unless you define people as dolls. If dolls count, I could go about fifty, as long as damage didn’t take away points.

  5. 5
    Simon Ayling

    I’ve always wondered why abbreviation is such a long word. Now I shall wonder if I’ll get an autographed copy of your book. That would be very pleasant indeed!

  6. I bought my copy on iTunes. I’d much rather have a copy to hold in my hands. I could use it as a self defense weapon when I’m roaming the city streets!

  7. I once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Except replace “shot” with “told a story to,” and replace “die” with, um, I dunno, “feign interest.” Also, I’ve never been to Reno. Wow, this is a lot harder than it looks.

  8. Gotta find out what’s in that extra chapter!

    Allie recently posted The Grocery Game, Part 2.

  9. Me too please!

  10. Wouldn’t hiding bodies under the bed be stinky?

  11. Would love to win a copy, mostly so I can just give the original hardback flag marked copy to my friend instead of assuming it’s permanently borrowed. (Flags mark the relevant parts.)

    My favourite toe actually has a name. It is Paul. My left big toe. My friend named it. Because I have a small bunion. (Thanks ballet!) So my toe’s name is Paul (with a) Bunion.

    You DID ask.

  12. I have the North American version of your book but a British version would be so much better so I can read it again except this time with a Britsh accent. A British accent makes everything just a little bit better. So does an extra chapter. So does your signature. It you want to throw in a couple of glass cow eyeballs too, I wouldn’t mind ;)

    Kat recently posted A Little Bit of Me Time.

  13. if i had two vintage glass cow eyes, i’d stick them in my crocidile skull. then Niles would be able to look out the window and creep out the postman.
    if i had a copy of your book, i’d be ecstatic. even though i wouldn’t get to bother the postman.

  14. I was kinda hoping for an autographed cow eyeball

  15. I was kinda hoping for an autographed cow eyeball

  16. Let’s see I’m in the process of moving back to my parents house after living on my own in an apartment for the past 7 years. Trying to get 7 years of stuff from an apartment back down into a couple rooms has been quite the challenge.

    Especially with my love of books. Most of my boxes were filled with books. And I have notebooks upon notebooks of writings. I either need to type them up or scan them in. I haven’t decided yet.

    Strangely, I haven’t tried to fit anything unique underneath my bed yet. My room is still being organized. But possibly after some time, the dust bunnies, will have a good home under my bed :D

    Nicole recently posted Moving Home.

  17. I have three rescue cats. One was living with a foster family in Princeton, NJ when I adopted him and the little girl in the house had named him Jeff. I could not change his name, as he totally looks like a Jeff. It was not until I took him to the vet that I realized his name is Jeff Davis (as that it my last name). I have since moved to Alabama. So every time I take him to the vet, when they call him back “JEFF DAVIS” I feel like every person in the waiting room is thinking I am a redneck racist.

  18. My favorite toe is a tie between both of my big toes.

    I think the median number of glass eyeballs that a person uses in a lifetime is zero. The mean number of glass eyes that a person uses in a lifetime is probably between 0.000001 and 0.02. The lower estimates assume that 1 in million people use 1 glass eyeballs in their life and the upper estimate assumes that 1 in 10,000 people use 20 glass eyeballs in their life.

    I can probably fit 2-4 intact average adult human bodies under my bed.

  19. 19
    Choas Wrangler aka. Dawn

    Bloggess, what is the scale of your Haunted Dollhouse again? We spend the whole summer building a huge Halloween Display (www.davisgraveyard.com) and we would to make you some sized down pieces for your Dollhouse!

    (1:12. Thanks! ~ Jenny)

  20. I’m fairly certain I could a use for vintage glass eyeballs. I’d put them in drawers and randomly on shelves at work so wary unsuspecting people would immediately think that the aliens (or government) are watching them. Come to think, those would work infinitely better than the vintage REAL eyeballs I’ve been using, I swear I won them at a charity auction…. Oh and I’d also cherish an autographed copy of your book- but that just goes without saying…

  21. So I have to tell you a little story. I have five sisters and one brother. Last fall one of my sisters found your book, and she decided to start a little project with it. She bought a bunch of different colored Sharpies and started writing in it, underlining areas that made her think of one of us, as in “This is totally something DJ would say.” She gave it to me next, and I’ve passed it on. We each use our own color of Sharpie so we can tell them apart, since all our handwriting looks the same. When we are all done we will get to see what the finished result is.

    So I need my own copy now because it’s by far the funniest book ever and part of why I decided to start dealing with my own anxiety issues. So much better now, thank you for inspiring me.

  22. Fun cover!! Love reading your blog, I am sure the book is just as great. :)

  23. 23
    Russ Rogers

    The British Cover looks like something from Monty Python, like Terry Gilliam had something to do with the design! Congrats on your box of books. Be well and rock on.

  24. I loaned out my copy of your book and never got it back so I need a new copy :( Also I have been trying to make you a custom soap but am having trouble coming up with a color scheme. I assume pink?

    Victoria recently posted Beautiful Gardener’s Soaps.

  25. So, my pug lost his eye last month. My best friend was the one that removed it–she is a vet, she didn’t just whip out a pocket knife and start carving. She also put in a neuticle, okay, not a neuticle, but an eyeball prosthetic before sewing it closed. She lamented that it was a little smaller than what he really needed, but it was a Saturday emergency surgery and the eyeball prosthetic/neuticle store was already closed. My Grandmother wanted him to get a glass eye. I’m thinking if a glass cow eyeball would have fit and happened to arrive that day, it would have been the coolest of all. Alas, the box obviously got diverted in the mail to you. So, can I have a book instead?

    Also the pug, once released from his cone of shame, has no inhibitions once again about running through the house and leaping across furniture, lack of depth perception be damned. Plus, he’s totally working the “I’m too sexy for my eye” angle with the ladies.

    Michelle recently posted Must...escape...the...Dungeon Cave..

  26. Your favorite toe.
    The second-from-the-left on my right foot. It is the only one that isn’t weird-shaped. I got my dad’s toes, which has made life difficult for him, particularly the walking bits.

    The pet names of your body parts.
    I call my heels Achilles because I am not very creative.

    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime.
    This depends on whether normal people use glass eyeballs as eclectic marbles. And on whether normal people play marbles. More data required.

    The number of bodies you can fit under your bed.
    It depends on whether the bodies can be disassembled. Probably two, I think, unless they are very small people or children, in which case I could probably fit four or so.

    It’s totally up to you.
    FREE BONUS: I gave my fiance a snowcone machine for his birthday because I kept thinking about your story about snow cones. But he hasn’t read your book yet, so he was pretty baffled by my suggestion he put pickle juice in a snow cone. He does, however, read your blog, and we both agree that in our relationship he is you. This conversation came up one time, talkin’ ’bout how reading your blog makes us think of our relationship, and he said “You’re Victor” at the EXACT SAME TIME that I said “I’m Victor.” Then we laughed. Then I sighed and said “Poor Victor.”

    Callie recently posted #IWSG: 5 ways I've learned about writing in the last 10 years.

  27. 27

    Is there any chance of getting a book and a glass eyeball? I don’t need a pair mind… one will do… I think my 7 yr old daughter would find it creepily fascinating :D LOL

    Love you!

  28. I want a copy!

  29. I am not worthy, of either the eyeballs or the British version of your book. But I would love to have either one. And I’m thinking quite a few dead bodies would fit actually…until they started reanimating in to zombies.

  30. love your book!
    for the vintage eye balls definitely surround a peep hole with them! here is looking at you!

    Marcela E recently posted Flan flan and more flan!.

  31. Sign me up for some glass cow eyeballs! Oh, wait. This isn’t for glass eyeballs. Oh, well, I guess a book would be the next best thing. I’ve read it on Kindle, but I could use a version where they spell “color” as “colour” and mispronounce “aluminum” (at least the silly English accident in my head would do that as I read it, if the word “aluminum” appears in the book – I don’t recall if it does so I suppose I’ll have to re-read it to find out, in which case a new volume would come in handy to make it seem like a new book I’m reading). Not to mention my hubby would be totally psyched about an autographed copy because he LOVED the book even more than I did. In any case, I’ve now commented and I’ll remain hopeful that I win! Thanks!

  32. 32
    Elana Hostetter

    I have nothing witty to say. Just, I’d love an autographed copy. Thanks.

  33. I want a book AND I’m going to look on the Google and see if I can find vintage glass cow eyeballs. We can trade. ;)

  34. Bodies that would fit under the bed = 0. Bodies that would fit in the freezer = 2 to 3, depending . . .

  35. I’d like that one, so I could read something interesting again!

  36. GEEEEEAZUS it took me forever to scroll past all the non-winners just to leave my comment.

  37. I think I read about half of this book outloud to my fiance. He should thank me.

  38. I don’t have a favorite toe, but I have this weird ability to pinch people REALLY hard with my toes. Harder than I could with my fingers. It is my superpower.

    I have a hard cover copy of your book, but would love another to lend/give to someone.

    I absolutely adore your blog and your writing. You have the dubious distinction of making me spit more liquids through laughter than any other person. Especially one I’ve never met. Thanks for that:-)

  39. OOH! OOH OOH!!!! PICK ME! PICK ME! PLEASE!!!!!! PICK!!!!! ME!!!!!!

    I’m a huge fan and I haven’t had a chance to buy the book yet! (I REALLY want to! I just haven’t been able to afford it yet!)

    I love you so much and I love your blog and if I met you in real life, I would probably slobber all over myself with joy and ecstasy. Not on you, of course, you’re too classy to be slobbered on.

  40. My daughter’s newest imaginary creation is Bob the Unicorn. He lives in a trash can and poops rainbow-colored butterflies. Wonder if any of your artists caught Bob in the act of snogging. Wonder if Bob snogs. Wonder where all those butterflies go…

  41. Your favorite toe – easy, the big one, easiest to paint with nail polish without painting half my toe in the process. The pet names of your body parts – wishing that I was a guy so that I could say “the big one” again LOL, but nothing more interesting than “the twins/girls”.
    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime – normal? I’ve never heard of this “normal” you speak of, so I’m going to have to guess somewhere around 3. As for non-glass eyeballs, well, let’s just say 20 or more at the bare minimum.
    The number of bodies you can fit under your bed – easy, somewhere around 3.

  42. I have a cow eyeball story! While dissecting one in college and too cheap to buy my own dissection kit, I began to saw away at the eyeball when it exploded all over my face. So lesson here: spring for the new scalpel.

  43. Enter me in the cow glass eyeball drawing please. You never know when you will need one! And thanks for all the chuckles along the way.

  44. I bought the e-reader version for my Kindle, made it 3/4 of the way through (I have a newborn who dislikes being jostled awake from my muffled hysterical laughter…), then my kindle kicked it and I haven’t been able to finish it! How does it end! I will never know! So a real live book version would be wonderful.

  45. I have 2 cats, their names are Took (pronounced Tooook), and Sapphira.
    Took is named after the hobbit Peregrin (Pippin) Took. He was quite mischievous when we first brought him home, so the name fits quite well. Sapphira has bright blue eyes and is named after the dragon in Eregon.

    They would both like you to say “MEOW” to your kitties for them.

    Amanda recently posted An end user testing guide.

  46. Well my favorite toe is actually my middle toe. Due to some weird mishap of genetics not only am I one of those people whose second toe is longer than my big toe, but my middle toe is longer too. Thanks Mom and Dad.

  47. Me me! Oh pick me! Pick me!!!

    Cyndy recently posted Never Again!.

  48. I would have attempted something witty here in the hopes that it would compel you to send me one of your fabulous UK versions… but after reading all these hilariously awesome comments (as usual) I feel a whole lot less witty than when I started! [but, as usual, I got so many EXTRA laughs out of your blog from your wonderful readers!!!!]

  49. Reading your book right now. Love it!

  50. 50

    My first edition Nook (Yes. That’s what they call it. “First Edition.” Like it’s vintage or has a heavenly old book smell or something.) ANYWAY, my Nook doesn’t have color. In fact, it has little tiny photos that I can’t enlarge. I want a real copy of your book that has a signature and will develop an old book smell over time.

    Thanks, Jenny. I love you so hard, I’m chafed.

    PS. My favorite toe is the squiffy one that I smashed in a car door when I was nine and my breasts are named Myrtle and Brenda.

  51. I have this condition, I guess it’s technically a virus. It’s temporary, thank God, but it takes months to cure. It’s kind of like having worms (or so I hear), what with the ravenous hunger, problems with bladder control, sporadic abdominal pain, nausea, fatigue, etc. Better still, all of these changes in my body are making me super irritable and the stress is throwing off my hormones. I’ve gained weight and I’m retaining water. Uhg, my calves and feet have never been this swollen. I can’t sleep. My immune system is shot which means I’m suffering allergies like a snot beast from hell. The doctor has me on some supplements but I don’t know if they’re doing anything. I just don’t feel like I can handle anything more than watching reruns of M*A*S*H* and eating tubes of cookie dough. Everyone tells me to take it easy and everyone is being super nice about it but I KNOW I’m not really sick and it’s just NOT feasible for me to not work. So, here I sit at my desk, dripping snot, half asleep, with a temper shorter than an inch worm. But the baby’s due in July, so I only have a few months left I guess.

  52. 52
    Hannah Krueger

    Mahna mahna! *expects a singalong*

  53. People don’t understand my obsession with ants. If anyone can understand my obsession I think it’s you. So, do you? Also, I realized I am OCD when I panicked after sending out a text ending in XOXOXO except I’d ended it in an X instead!

  54. Count me in! I could use glass cow eyeballs as much as the next guy.

  55. I picked up the US paperback version at an airport on my way home, flying through DFW. Started reading on the plane since those FAA bastards still say my Kindle can interfere with electronics, while my neighbor blatantly plays on their iphone and does NOT turn it off even AFTER the doors are closed. The nerve…
    SO… reading your “bewildering memoir” on a full plane is NOT a good idea, if you value your dignity and your clean undies. I was trying to hold in my laughter, which became unbearable, to the point all of my orifices abandoned control.
    There were tears, projectile snot bubbles and a little bit of pee… all at once. Which only made me cry-laugh harder. Throw in a loud snort and sobs and you have an idea of the horrors you made me inflict upon this plane full of people.
    The poor woman next to me (not the phone offender) couldn’t decide her reaction, and almost called over a flight attendant because surely this passenger was having a seisure and losing bodily control.
    I think I deserve an autographed UK version, so i can give my fluid-soaked version to an unsuspecting friend about to go on a long trip.

  56. 56
    The Other Jamie

    My cat wishes that he were one tenth as bad ass as Ferris Mewler. So do I.

  57. I don’t have a favorite toe – In fact, I think toes are gross. If I didn’t need mine for balance (and to occasionally pick something up off the floor when I don’t feel like bending down), I might consider lopping them off. Also, whenever my husband passes by and my feet are accessible, he tries to crack my big toe and that really hurts.

    I saw a giant metal chicken out on the street on village garage sale day last Saturday, and I considered bringing it home for my husband as revenge for the toe thing, but it was missing a leg and I don’t think it would have fit in my car.

    a recently posted Trying to do my part.

  58. I’d love to win your book.

    Is it weird that some days I love my dog more than my husband? But most days the husband wins :-)

  59. I can always use another copy to hand out!!!

  60. I’d love to read this one too. Cute new cover!
    It’s so hard to concentrate when it’s nice and sunny outside. Such a long day!

    Melissa A recently posted Mike Greenberg knows "What Women Want"...plus a book giveaway.

  61. I love your book and blog. I had to borrow the book from a friend cause I could not afford to buy it and Iwould love to have a copy so I can read it again and again!

  62. I think 3 Wil Wheatons would fit under my bed. The best part is that he is the fun sort of fellow who would go see if he fit under a bed. Unlike Nathan Fillion. Zero Nathan Fillions would fit because he would not be invited.

  63. I love that font!! What a lovely color, and so close to Tardis blue!

  64. 64
    Karen Hughes

    I never win anything, but that’s ok, because I have video of my five year old daughter singing about Daleks. Ok, so her song only has one lyric (“Exterminate”), but its cute because she’s also trying to play the piano. And she’s possibly trying to channel Bill Murray’s lounge lizard. If I knew how to send it to you I would, because there just aren’t enough people in my life who appreciate songs about Daleks.

  65. Thanks again, Jenny, for being the awesome person you are. It honestly makes my day when I come to your blog and see something new. (Although I usually have to pause midway through so my co-workers don’t hear my laughing too hard!)

  66. I would love to read the new chapter! I wasn’t able to come and see you in St. Louis (and pick up the new paperback) because my grandfather took ill and was in the hospital, so I’m happy to hear there may be another chance for me to grab it!

    Sarah recently posted Unmentioned.

  67. 67
    Sandy Solove

    I’m exhausted because my oldest daughter (I have 4 and that is astonishing enough) ended up with a piece of pink glitter in her eye last night about 10pm. We were in the emergency room until 2 am. Glitter. Stuck.to her Cornea. And she is goth, it was a great tragedy.

  68. God I love your book! I couldn’t stop laughing! I really hope that one day you’ll come to Florida

    Sarah G. recently posted Not Too Far Gone.

  69. 69
    Stephanie Boucherle

    I could totally use the eyeballs, but the book would be cool too…

  70. Sometime’s I like to place a glass eyeball between my toes and pretend I am having a conversation with a cyclops. But that’s only like twice a year.

    Ginajeri recently posted And Then There Was a Ghost of a Wildebeest in My Living Room.

  71. Love love love your book! I have the audiobook, but I would love a hardcopy.

  72. Hmmm….I could probably fit a couple of dead bodies under my bed right now, provided they’re very thin ones. I recently purged the under-the-bed-space of dust bunnies and old shoes because spiders were crawling up from the basement through a hole in the floor, getting on the bed, and chewing me to pieces. Needless to say, that instigated a MASSIVE cleaning spree. Which means I have room for bodies…..but not the bugs that come with them.

  73. My first edition Nook (Yes. That’s what they call it. “First Edition.” Like it’s vintage or has a heavenly old book smell or something.) ANYWAY, my Nook doesn’t have color. In fact, it has little tiny photos that I can’t enlarge. I want a real copy of your book that has a signature and will develop an old book smell over time.

    Thanks, Jenny. I love you so hard, I’m chafed.

    PS. My favorite toe is the squiffy one that I smashed in a car door when I was nine and my breasts are named Myrtle and Brenda.

  74. My pants just totally ripped up the thigh and crotch when I bent over just now. I’m literally bursting at the seams with excitement for you :)

  75. It has snowed all day in Denver. It’s quite absurd. I am freezing.

  76. I was playing Words with Friends and it would not let me use the word stabby. Can we start a petition?

  77. 77
    Melanie B

    I love cheese.

  78. I read my (now ex) boyfriend’s digital version, would LOVE to have a signed copy!! :)

  79. Would so love to have a copy!!!

  80. read a library copy of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened,” and was literally laughing out loud; a cure for the greyness and gloom that hangs over my part of the USA … sorry I have nothing witty or weird to say, other than thank you for being brave enough to be you!

    Ruby Re-Usable recently posted Earth Day Recycled Art Dolls.

  81. Give me your book so I don’t have to kidnap a taxidermied animal for it!

  82. Since we purchased a new frame no bodies fit under our bed – this really disappoints the cat. Not because there are usually bodies under the bed and he likes that – it’s his favorite hiding spot and now he can’t get under there. Wow, I’m not sure this comment made any sense…. Thank goodness it’s for you….

  83. If you leave the glass eyeball on top of the book overnight, will it read it???

    I would so love an autographed copy of this book because 1) I came to hear you read when you were at the Elliott Bay Bookstore in Seattle and you were wonderful but it was the one hot day we had all summer and the bookstore had no air conditioning and there were about 4000 people there and standing in line I thought I was going to die so I had to leave so I did not get your autograph. Okay, that’s one reason why I would love an autographed copy. But I do want to read your book in an English accent, so there’s that reason, too, why I would like to win.

  84. My cat is under house arrest for the foreseeable future due to an explode, rotting absess on his backside. He was probably in a gang fight, with jazz dancing. The vet said since the wound is on his back that he’s a runner, not a fighter, but I maintain this is all part of a plot to frame the other neighborhood cat, because he’s a badass. My cat, not the other one.

  85. I want to win a copy!! When I was in high school, after I broke up with my “long term” boyfriend I nicknamed him “Bastard Lips.”

  86. I can’t fit any bodies under my bed since it’s on the floor, unless it had been flattened by a steam roller like in a cartoon …

  87. I want to win! I loaned my (signed!) hardcover to a friend and I’m pretty sure she’s planning to steal it. Our entire friendship is now in question. A paperback would save the day… and no way is she getting her mitts on my extra chapter.

  88. 88

    My grandpa has a glass eyeball — the old one had to be removed because of melanoma — and as a kid I used to give myself a lot of grief staring at his face, trying to figure out which eye was the glass one. (Spoiler alert, child: it’s the one that isn’t looking directly at you.) I’m pretty sure if he’d had a glass cow eyeball, I would’ve been able to discern the difference more easily. This is why we should only have glass cow eyeballs and stop with the pedantic “let’s match the color of your other eye” thing. FOR THE CHILDREN.

  89. I saw your jacked up pictures of softcore unicorn porn and, well, we should be friends. Also, I think I could fit roughly 4 adult bodies under my bed. It’s a tight space and they’d have to be pretty thin; I think if I got the right body types, it’d be doable. I hope this answers your question.

  90. I need a copy of your book! I’ve been reading my roommate’s, and she is going to eventually make me give it back =(

  91. I had no idea they re-made books for other English-speaking markets. Surely everyone knows favorite=favourite, etc. Though, I have to say, even as a lifelong US resident, I tend to spell and use expressions from British English.

  92. The atomic weight of said glass cow eyeballs would be a relatively ineffecient measurement. Plus I once had a car named Old Weird Harold…he didn’t mind.

    Sue recently posted Can you name a time when you were absolutely certain....

  93. 93

    Your favorite toe- Big toe, left foot, except it has a big nasty bruise under the toe nail, so I think I’m going to unfriend it.
    The pet names of your body parts- I didn’t have any, but I’ve just decided to name my elbows Horace and Borris so I’d have an answer to go here.
    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime- I’ve never had a glass one, but when I was younger I used to pop the eyes out of the fish my grandpa would catch and play pool with them using a pencil and a pool stick.
    The number of bodies you can fit under your bed- I have no idea, but I can fit 37 tomato plants in my closet. =)

  94. You know, I truly had no idea this tribe was so large, much less so darned eager to win a book. You’d think we were signing up for a chance to win a trip on the Tardis or something. Hey, is there any chance of that, seeing as how this IS the UK version? Maybe the publisher can pull some time strings or something. Maybe at least arrange a trip in a blue truck with your vet?

  95. 95
    Jamie Oswald

    Please don’t tell anyone I was here.

  96. 96
    Jennifer K.

    Un-dismembered, probably 2 bodies. Dismembered, probably 6. And I think glass cow eye balls would make a unique fringe for lamps, so…at least 12 to 16 per house lamp.

  97. Whatever bodies end up under our bed will be extremely comfortable because our cat keeps dragging socks and washcloths and whatever small bits of clothing he finds under there. I think he’s a hoarder.

    Angela recently posted Not Sure if Luck or a Higher Power.

  98. 98
    Gabrielle Maclennan

    I got Wil Wheaton to autograph a photo of him collating paper at the Calgary Expo last weekend. It’s one of my favourite photos I got all weekend.

  99. I purchased the US version of your book whilst living in the UK, and now I live back in the US, so it’s only fitting that I obtain the UK version of your book now, right?!

    As for a random fact about me… I have a birthmark (or at least an as-long-as-I-have-memories mark) on my knee that’s a small constellation of brown freckles. Several times as a child, when I was trusted to clean myself, my mom would do a check to be sure I truly was clean before I got out of the tub. She tried to scrub my mark off on multiple occasions, thinking it was dirt. It is still there, and it is not dirt.
    And yes, this is a fact in my “you clearly didn’t have time to devote to me as #4 of 4… I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A BABY BOOK!” arsenal.

    She’s a good mom, though. Other than the scrubbed-raw knee part.

  100. Our Roomba, Ralph, checks under the bed every day preventing us from keeping more than one strategically placed body under the bed at any time.

  101. My bed is so tall I have a step stool to get into it so I’m estimating . . . (4 across and probably at least 3 deep plus two crosswise at the foot . . . carry the one . . .) 20.

    I’d love to have an autographed copy of your book!

  102. I once had a real cow’s eyeball in a glass jar in my room. We were learning about the eye in third grade science and got to dissect real cow eyeballs and then bring them home. (My mother was very non-plussed.) In fifth grade we dissected real cow lungs and hearts. We were all given straws and were instructed to blow into the lungs to see how they expanded. My mother was glad that they didn’t send those body parts home with us. I think it is also important to mention that all of this dissecting happened in the cafeteria. The late 70s were a magical time.

  103. I want a book! Because I already bought 3 and gave away 2 and they are just so awesome and everyone I let read MY copy says you are the coolest thing since pool noodles. And I happen to agree with them. :D

  104. 104
    Leigh Spencer

    Plus, I posted a picture on your FB page of Nathan Fillion about to be enTWINEd by a huge snake. That’s gotta be worth something.

  105. 105
    Evil Daughter

    I tried to do a good deed today and it ended with a visit from a police office. I think I deserve a book for that. Or maybe a glass eyeball. :D

  106. My nook version is broken. It’s missing a chapter. :( I loved the book, and it’s one of the few that I actually need / want a real copy of. ;)

  107. I need this book because I’m sick of reading fantasies!!

    LatteJunkie (@LatteJunkieNZ) recently posted #30DaysChallenge - 2.

  108. I would totally find something to do with the cow glass eyeballs, cause you know – I’m creative AND morbid like that. I’m sure I would find somewhere to put them or some craft project to use them in. As for your book it would be nice reading material and I would probably start laughing while reading it in public and when people asked what I was laughing about, it would be something they would look at me weird and walk away from. I don’t mind that at all. So I would be honored to have a copy of your book.

  109. *in British accent*

    I say, dear fellow, I read that as “Dildo, with a giant box of cocks”. Heavens, me!

  110. My father in law had a glass eye – does that count?

    CrazyMomTats! recently posted Travels.

  111. I’d love to have a copy of this so I can read the whole thing over in a British accent, or maybe Scottish, because why should the British have all the fun?

  112. My favorite toe is a toe-may -toe

  113. 113

    I love the cover of this version! I bought your book months ago for my Nook and loved it…I would love the opportunity to read the new chapter & to have a signed copy!

  114. I would LOVE to win an autographed copy! First, I’d read it all over again, especially the secret new chapter. Then, I’d pretend I was going to give it to a friend, then I’d snatch it back and say, “I will not be parted with this, my precious!” Then I’d give it to them, because I’m not a douche-nozzle.

  115. A couple of weeks ago, I was having a really bad day. My mom called and told me she wanted to take me to the bookstore to get me out of the house. We went and I asked her to stop at the cat sanctuary across from the bookstore. Originally, we were just going to look in the window, but I convinced her to go inside. We went in and there were three ladies inside taking care of the cats. Three ladies who did not speak to us once. They didn’t ask us if we wanted a cat, if we wanted to contribute to the care of the cats, or even why the hell we were there. We walked out after five minutes, giggling all the way. Animals really do help.

  116. 116
    Catie Pedersen

    we once had a duck that we bought as a duckling at the Orschelns down the street (that’s a farm store, or hillbilly heaven as I call it). The duckling cost $4, so we named him Four Buck. His brother was named Bob. We let them live in the attic of my husband’s fraternity house until the maintenance on campus figured out we were hiding something in the attic. I wanted to go all “White Fang” on the ducks and release them into the wild, but instead they were given to a family in the town our college was in. I hope Bob and Four Buck weren’t eaten by homeless people. More likely they were terrorized by local school children because most of them are total ass holes.

    Also, I love your book and would love another copy, to go with the 2 I already have :-)

  117. 117
    Keely Tolbert

    I don’t have favorite toes – I really dislike my toes. But here’s the question: do I hate my toes because I keep breaking them (I’ve broken 4 now) or do I break my toes because I hate them?

    It’s a thinker!

  118. I have nothing witty, but I would love an autographed glass cow eyeball, err, I mean, autographed copy of your book. Thx.

  119. I don’t have anything witty to contribute, but I did lose 2 pounds last week even after eating pizza. So while I might not win a book, I’ve got that.

  120. 120

    So completely glad to be a part of this tribe. I would love to put an autographed UK version of the book next to my hardcover copy on my bookshelf. :)

  121. I reckon I could find a use for a box full of vintage glass cow eyeballs – I’m envisioning a large vase full of them as a centrepiece on my dining table, kind of like the Martha Stewart types do with Christmas baubles…

    But winning a copy of your book would be cool, too ;-)

    Jen recently posted Dollars and Sense.

  122. 122
    AW Lewis

    Taxidermy freaks me out. But I would love to read your book.

  123. Loved the book! Would love to have another copy to share with friends even more!!!

  124. I can’t fit /any/ bodies under my bed, since the box spring rests directly on the floor because I am lazy, and that way I never have to sweep under the bed and also it does not eat my socks.

  125. Today the I was listening to Kevin and Bean (So. Cal radio hosts) and they were talking about all the things Beyonce demands from the venues she performs in. The entire time I was wondering what a giant metal chicken would need with a red toilet seat and hand-carved ice balls.

  126. 126
    Lorelai Leigh

    I would talk about the bodies under my bed, except I can’t fit any under there. I suppose I could put just their heads under there, but what if they turned out to be zombies? Then I would have a bunch of zombie heads under my bed wailing about braaaaiiiinnnnsss incessantly. Although, if I could get them to wail in harmony, I might could take that show on the road. I would call it Bobbed Zombies and it would be EPIC

  127. I think a gross of glass eyeballs are probably sufficient. Of varying sizes and colours.

  128. I love all your Doctor Who geekery and random hilariousness. Pick me pick me! :)

  129. I’m sneaking some computer time while my kids play in the backyard somewhat unsupervised (I’m right beside the window, poised to help in the event of screeching). Please send me a copy of the book! I’d love to win, especially as I pre-ordered the ebook and haven’t had a chance to read the secret paperback chapter!

    Kristina recently posted Julep May Maven-Colours, Products, and Boxes.

  130. 42*

    *Thats all I have to say because I’m sure you understand.

  131. Eyes outside of their normal habitat creep me out.

  132. Apparently i need a website; you got a spare i can use?
    And as a librarian, i don’t really need a book, but i wanna read the new chapter & would then pass it on…
    btw, when are you gonna do a reading in L.A.?

  133. 133

    Can we have the eyeballs?

  134. 134

    Pick me pick me! You crack me up daily. Seriously you are my little guilty pleasure. As for me I’m just a mom to four, who frequently forgets how old she is, works at my kids school so I’m surrounded by kids who have adopted me as their moms lol.

  135. Do you think the library has this? If not, I must win it.. Or third best, buy it.. :)

    Andrea recently posted Boston Bombing Suspects Motivated By The Afghanistan and Iraq Wars.

  136. 136

    This is the part where I type a witty comment because I want you to pick it.

  137. 137
    Cynthia Jokela

    I just busted my arse on my back porch in the rain about an hour ago, slipping on the slick, mildewed outdoor carpet trying to put our “stray” cat (translate: “neighbor’s cat”–she ran away from home when he got dogs) in the basement to get her out of the rain. Ironically, I was just bragging to my pain treatment doctor this morning that I do not have bad chronic neck and back pain since my gallbladder was taken out in November of last year.

  138. I’m in. I’ve been wanting to read this book for a while. I can’t remember how I found your blog, aside from loads of my friends saying they like it. Not direct references – not like, “you should really read this” – just general “ooh The Bloggess is great”. Eventually I finally got around to reading and I’ve enjoyed it. You have a sense of humor I can appreciate, and your conversations with your beloved reminds me a bit of ones with mine.

    I don’t have a favorite toe, but my least favorite is the pinky toe, because it’s the most likely to snag on the leg of the coffee table.

    melydia recently posted We by Yevgeny Zamyatin.

  139. If it weren’t for Robert Downey, Jr., I’d still be clipping toenails on that three-legged, bug-eyed aye-aye with Francois Mitterand’s half-sister Ethel.

    Andymanpa recently posted Pet Peeve: Colons in Headings.

  140. 140

    I have your book on my Kindle but it would be much easier to flip to the famous Post it fight chapter that I reference all the time, with a hard copy ;) HILARIOUS

  141. yes please! *insert badger in a top hat here*

  142. 142
    Rachael Martin

    Yes, pretty pretty please! I could always use more laughs!

  143. 143

    Comment, comment…. comment, comment commentttt COMMENT!!!! comment. CoMmeNT!!! Comment? c-c-c-omment~ (comment).

  144. 144
    Tracy Dalton

    LOVED this book!!! Loved meeting you in Dayton, Ohio too!!!

  145. 145
    Kat tovar

    Thanks for liking our Nathan Fillion necklace and mentioning it in the paperback book. You are punk so punk rock! Dorito tacos are fucking awesome.

  146. You Rock!
    Do we win the UK version or the US version?

  147. I would LOVE a signed book! I don’t have much stuff in my master bedroom (it is wear we keep my husbands clothing, my clothing being kept in one of the guest bedrooms which we refer to as the “shoe room” so I would say we could hide 4 adults comfortably under our bed, 6 midgets. My favorite toe are the 3 in the middle, the little one is just odd and the big one makes holes in my socks, but I would be WAY clumsier without it. I have not named my body parts, but when my sister was younger and evil (before my mom realized she actually had to feed her on a regular basis, we now know the medical terminology as “hungry”) she would tell people her first name was Mickey, her back name was Donald, her right arm was Minnie, her left arm was Pluto, her right leg was Chip and her left leg was Dale. You see, she was in LOVE with Mickey Mouse, and for some reason it made sense to change her name to Mickey until one day I could not take it anymore and I told her it was just a man dressed in a mouse costume. Kids can be mean……… Maybe that is why she is now doing her masters degree in Germany. Here I thought she just wanted to travel but maybe she is trying to get away form me. Huh…..when you open up about your toes it is amazing the stuff that comes spewing out.

    Noelle Matta recently posted Curly hair is complicated, but Justin it is OK to be straight.

  148. 6. I can fit 6 bodies under my bed because we have 6 drawers. All neat and tidy-like.

  149. 149

    If you are ever on Maui and need to dispose of a body my husband has a cousin with a pig farm. Also I copy of your book would be awesome, with your autograph would kick ass!

  150. I have to tell you that your tweets are among the few that I never skip over. You keep me happy.

  151. 151
    Elizabeth M

    I *am* rather fond of my second toe, now that you mention it.

  152. I need to find out if I’m in your book! We’ve never meet, but still….

  153. I would love to read the new chapter… I got the hardcover and just missed the bookplate by a day.. I was very sad… :( I found a heard (group, flock, gaggle) whatever of large metal chickens and thought of you.. My husband said that he was NOT going to have a bunch of crazy chickens throughout the house and so I got one small one for my desk… unfortunately metal chickens are like tattoos and now I want more… do we have a support group set up yet??

  154. I would like to reread your book, but I lost my Nook. People who find lost Nooks should take them to their nearest B&N, not reregister them as their own. I know that’s what who ever found it did because B&N was able to check for me:(

  155. 155

    Bloody hell!

  156. LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS BOOK!! :) I was laughing on a plane for 3 hours straight reading! People thought I was either really high or crazy!!

    Kirsten recently posted Let's Pretend This Never Happened. Unless you win. Then it totally happened..

  157. At my age, there are no body parts left worth admiring – Just wish someone would have given me fair warning that it was all about to go to hell in a handbasket, so I could have been prepared…..

  158. My favorite toe is the second one on my right foot. It used to be the middle one until a 2 pound brick of frozen ground beef fell on it one day. Then it swelled up and looked like a blueberry, a couple months later the nail fell off and now it’s all wonky. Hmmm. Maybe it still is my favorite after all. It still looks swollen almost two years later.

  159. I was going to try and come up with something witty for my ‘post anything’ comment, but the past several hours of work have beaten the witty right out of me. Sorry.

  160. I still haven’t had the chance to read your book. I anticipate I’ll be cracking up from page one. I just love your sarcasm.

    …in other words: Pick me! PICK ME!!!!

  161. You inspire me to not hide my crazy nature and exotic tastes! Luv you Jenny!

  162. My Favorite toe is the second toe (next to big daddy) because mine bends backwards. I call my elbow my ‘moe-moe’, my nostrils are ‘noseholes’ because I sincerely dislike the word ‘nostril’. I have yet to find a constructive use for glass eyeballs but I did dissect a sheep’s eyeball in middle school and I kept a piece of it because it was hard and rubbery and sort of bounced which made it really fun to gross people out with ‘hey, check this out! *bounce*… yeah, that’s a sheep’s eyeball. wanna touch it?’. Depending on the size of the bodies and number of pieces you chop them into, I can fit anywhere from one to four bodies under my bed before they become visible from behind the dust ruffle. That’s the intended purpose of a dust ruffle, right?

  163. I’ve bought your book three times now. Loaned it to friends/my mom three times. Three times it hasn’t come back (they’ve been left on an airplane, in a hotel lobby, and at the Mall of America). I’m always a little sad, but then I’m like, “Hey! That’s three more chances for people to read this awesomeness. I can go get another one.” And I always do. Except I haven’t replaced my latest loss yet–aaaaaaand that’s where you come in. :) (If I don’t get one, I will happily go buy a copy for a fourth time. Because it’s that worth it.)

  164. I like books, but I love free books.

  165. I want a book. And I would expect a person to go through 5 glass eyeballs in a life.

  166. WANT!!.. fave toe: the big one bc its not scary big or creepy stubby.. The pet name for a body part: LEFTY How many glass eyeballs I think a normal person uses in a lifetime: Im from TX so id say 6.. The number of bodies I can fit under my bed: again Im from TX so 6 but they’d have to be small :-D

  167. I don’t even know where to start but just let me say that this makes my heart smile! You deserve this, Jenny! (we’re on a first name basis, BFF, by the way) I love coming to this blog. It truly is a community. I already have the US copy but would love a (signed! squeee!) UK copy of your book as well :)

  168. Just got a text from a friend asking if i had an aunt with a glass eye… I was like not that I know of why?? He told me to look on the blog and guess what there is another Tomica that spells her name like me woohooo. Great day

  169. Your favorite toe: right pinkie
    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime: 3
    The number of bodies you can fit under your bed: 6

    I want your book! I should probably just buy it, really, that’s your fault for giving it away. (Book sluts are my favorite kind.)

    barbara recently posted time.

  170. Hey Jenny!

    I don’t know about under t bed but I know I can fit my body into my suitcase an into a storage create. It may seem an odd fact but I moved recently and went a little punchy during packing. I don’t think the bottle of wine had anything to do with it.


  171. I love books. I love blogs. I love eyeballs.
    Thank you for sharing all three.

  172. I was in 3rd grade when my dad died, and my step-mom gave me his glass eye. I didn’t even know he had one!! True story, I swear!

  173. Spode

  174. Uh, toes. Yeah, they creep me out, so ew.

    I believe you could probably fit 5-6 bodies under my daughter’s brand new twin bed if you piled them up instead of just laying them in a single layer. Seriously, her bed is really tall. Like, concussion tall…if she ever falls out.

  175. 175

    my favorite toe is your big one *creepy smile*

  176. 176
    Angel Eicher

    I want to be friends with you. And read your new chapter.

  177. I had a totally witty comment thought up, then I clicked to comment and forgot it.

    So instead I’ll go with this: I don’t know how many bodies I can fit under my bed, but I could fit two in the trunk o my car, so I’m a person to know if you need to move two bodies….

  178. 178
    Sharra Menninger

    I don’t know about you, but I can never find glass eyeballs when I need one.

  179. Thank you.
    That is all.

  180. What to talk about.. hmm. I can tell you about the weirdest taxidermy I’ve happened to come by IRL.

    It was at a cafe in Copenhagen and in the one corner they had an ostrige standing with a fox sitting on it’s back. The ostrige was equipped with bridle and a western saddle with a lasso attached to it -and the fox, fully dressed as a cowboy, was riding it. Somewhere I have a bad photo of this, but I don’t need to find it to remember the sight :)

    As for your ‘vintage glass cow eyeballs’. I would love to spy with my lazy eye how one of these show up in my mail box.

    Can I finish by saying how I hope one of those could find it’s way to Denmark. The book isn’t out here (naughty pulishers) and I’d LOVE to read it.

  181. 181
    Sandra R

    So. I contributed to this:
    “Why Did I Write That? Embarrassing Poetry from School”.
    All entries are anonymous, so I am spared specific humiliation. But I am willing to share in general humiliation!


  182. I could go through several boxes of glass eyeballs to hand out to trick-or-treaters at Halloween. It’s time to finally become “that house.”

  183. Pick me! :D Love the book, can’t wait to read the new version.

  184. 184

    I got a new bed that has 4 large drawers under it. If I lined them with plastic and chopped up the bodies… But then the cats would try to get in there and I don’t want them to get a taste for blood. They might try to kill me one morning if I’m late filling their bowls.

  185. 185

    I remember dissecting a REAL cow eyeball in 7th grade. Does that qualify me to win a fabulous glass cow eye substitute?? Pretty please????

  186. If I won a book, I’d have to invite my friends over, save a seat just for the book, and serve its tea first.

  187. I’m pretty sure one can never have too many copies of your book. I mean I only have the American hardcover edition with your lovely signature in it. So it would be oh so lovely to get the UK edition signed as well. If I win would you please add to your idea about who the heck Clara Oswin Oswald is?!??! And also where the heck has River Song been?!?? It’s really just that I want you to write something about Doctor Who in the UK version of your book because that just seems like the right thing to do. Fantastic! Thanks! K bye.

  188. 188
    Sara Simpson

    I loved the book!!! PS I can fit at least 2 bodies under my bed, maybe 3.

  189. Comment? Hmm, perhaps you would like to hear about my day in which I somehow threw an entire salad into the air and how it landed all over the tile floor and the french door windows? And how of course the dog thought it was Christmas..however he doesn’t like faux crab or beets apparently so those got spit out right at me. And my day went no where but down from there. I would love a UK version of your book, because I am fairly certain that I was British in my previous life.
    thank you for your consideration.

  190. I recognize that I probably won’t win. But you definitely can’t win if you don’t comment. :)

    But I can tell you that the very first car I ever bought, did involve thoughtful consideration of bodies.

    I went to several dealerships to look at cars and one of the things I looked at was trunk space. I needed a large amount of trunk space because I normally hauled around computers for my job. However that was far too mundane to say in a car dealership, so normally I would look at the trunk and ponder out loud how many bodies I could fit in the trunk. The Honda was just 2. The Toyota was also 2. The Hyundai was 2 1/2. Of course, I always got horrified looks from the sales people and often they hurried me out of the dealership. But when I got to Saturn, it had a huge trunk. I was so impressed. The first words out of my mouth were “Wow, you could fit THREE bodies in here!” The salesguy looked at me and then at the trunk, and commented “Four if they’re friendly.”

    I bought the Saturn.

  191. I thought of glass eyeballs last week while driving with my husband. It was during a conversation where I decided that I want my body donated to science but not my head. At least not for a while. First, I want my wake and funeral conducted with my head, complete my eyes open sporting glass eyeballs, on a pedestal at the front of the room. Anyone who wants to speak must do so while either looking into my glass eyes or with their hand petting my hair and the story must be funny.

  192. Hi,
    Have the original, would absolutely love one with the extra chapter, and your autograph, well, priceless!

    Your fellow RA sufferer

  193. Would LOVE to win a copy of your book. Yup, that’s about all I have to say right now :)

    Heather recently posted 5 Ways to Blast Through Your Fear of Failure.

  194. My squirrels need another book to eat. I you give me yours then I can give them another one. Something with more nuts.

  195. My high school boyfriend somehow came into possession of a ziplock baggy full of glass eyes… The people kind. He seemed to get a great deal of pleasure placing them around where someone unsuspecting might happen upon them.

  196. I want desperately to read this. And I think I could fit 4 dead bodies under my bed. Maybe 5..

  197. Dying to read it. Although I think the mouse on the cover is better! But still. Dying to read it.

  198. I have a car with a trunk that is too small to easily fit in a body. Any thoughts?

  199. Funnily enough, most of my childhood we had a bag of REAL cow eyeballs in my house. My mom liked to put them next to the cookies.

  200. I first came across your book randomly and SWEET METAL ROOSTERS was I glad I did! Your an amazing author, made me laugh at a time when laughter was one of the last things I was doing! I would love another copy of your book with your autograph in it, so I can pass the laughter of my other copy around. Oh, and I think about a dozen glass cow eyes is enough for one person’s life time, besides there are so many other animals’ glass eyes you can get! Thanks again for the laughter you brought to me!

  201. Because your audiobook makes me smile on truly shitty days!

  202. 202

    Rise of the turtle zombies

  203. 203
    Michelle S.

    I am a newer member of your tribe. I kept seeing your book everywhere, I have to say, the cover intrigued me! I finally took the plunge and downloaded it. I am so happy I did!! Your book is HILARIOUS. I woke up my husband several times during the night, laughing hysterically. The only regret I have is that I purchased it on my nook and can’t lend it out to my friends!

  204. my favorite toe it the little one on my left foot. or is it my right foot? I get them confused sometimes

  205. If I got a free autographed copy I could give my other copy away to someone who needed to find a tribe but couldn’t afford their own copy.

    My comment is that I’m very glad a co-worker is now done with all of the Rose episodes in Doctor Who so I don’t have to listen to her talk about my least favorite companion and soon we’ll get to talk about how awesome Donna is.

    latenac recently posted Pickwick Papers Vol 1 Chapters 9-11.

  206. 206

    I want to win! But I don’t have anything exciting to say right now.

  207. Do please enter me in your contest! I should so love to win!

  208. Since my current copy is on my kindle for traveling I’d love to have a hard copy! I feel like as long as I use the word ‘Motherfucker’ in this comment I stand a decent chance…

  209. As a method of providing a stimulating dose of much-needed pathological taxidermilogical self-loathing for inappropriate chuckles, the blog and book have provided a welcome excuse. Thanks!

  210. 210
    Pat Upton

    I would love to have an autographed copy. Will you have signed it? Does the taxidermied rat come with it? I guess not since it is not on the front cover of the US version. Congrats by the way! Everyone needs a box full of vintage glass cow eyes. At least some do. My blind cow could use a couple. Ah well, so it goes.

  211. 211
    Patty in TX

    Had a great conversation with Amanda (aka “Sister” from Momastery.com) a few weeks ago during Glennon’s book signing (thanks to Blue Willow) about Beyonce (the chicken) and how bad-ass you are.

  212. 212
    Billie Gormley

    I have read it (of course!) but it is on my kindle so a hard copy version would be awesome!And an autograph? totally cool.

  213. I’m relatively new to this tribe, yet I love all of it. I’ve never felt so normal! In high school a (Spanish speaking) friend decided to name my boobs ‘Bufanda’ & ‘Maleta’. I thought the whole thing was very exotic & sexy…until my boyfriend told me I was endearingly referring to my tits as ‘Scarf’ & ‘Suitcase’.

    Kait recently posted Rainbow Stuffed Cabbage.

  214. I want to own an alpaca farm. But not actually have to do any of the work of owning alpacas other than petting them occasionally.

  215. 215

    British version? Yes, please!

  216. I love you’re website, you have no idea how many bad days you got me through. I found you when you found Beyonce and I’ve love it ever since. The fact you love Doctor Who makes it only better. Thank you for being you.

    Did you know you’re brain always sees your nose, it just chooses to ignore it. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could apply this to people in our lives… we know they are there, but we choose to ignore them. Think of the possibilities.

  217. My cat died three years ago and I’ve been thinking about finally getting a new cat but my heart is still broken because she was my best friend. Also I don’t know what to name a new cat.

  218. 218
    Amy FIggs

    SO I am trying aluminum free deodorant and have discovered it works for 4 hours exactly then BAM!

    I think about 6 eyeballs would be a lifetime supply.

    My favorite toe is my big toe, it is easiest t paint, it’s name is Arthur, thanks for asking

    Three bodies and various body parts will fit nicely under my bed

  219. I just LOVE free stuff!

  220. my copy is on loan to a friend which is of great concern. so excited to be a part of the tribe–i am just now speaking to a different friend who DID NOT advise me of said tribe. but she has helped my name my new metal rooster with a guitar alan-a-dale, so friendship is back on. love your blog and especially the messages about depression. it’s so hard if you haven’t been there and done that and as many people that can become aware the better. rock on!

  221. 221

    I’m up to my eyeballs in glass cow eyeballs anyway.

  222. I can fit about 2 bodies under my bed. Unless they are small. If they are small, I could probably fit 3 or 4.

  223. –>I miss the days when you picked the funniest comment on your post and had it on display.

    Your book was fantastic – – everyone should buy it!

    WebSavvyMom recently posted Let's Play Ball!.

  224. 224
    Susan S.

    I recently started a blog of my own. If I can comment on yours and win a book then I could comment on mine about how I won a book by commenting. If people then commented on my blog about the comment I left on your blog, would I then be obligated to give them a prize? Nevermind. I just won’t comment.

  225. I have 75 cows but they all still have their own eyeballs, so I think the glass ones would go to waste.

    Also, “And thank you for letting me be a part of it”??? You’re like the Lord Mayor of this tribe. (see what I did there? British term for a leader. Will that make me win a UK version of a book?)

  226. 226

    I could use about 17.5 glass cow eyeballs in a lifetime, don’t ask about the .5… And I would LOVE a copy of the book!!! Especially a UK version, maybe signed by your former vet, the 9th Doctor, oh and you too of course!!!!

  227. That cover is totally kick-ass. I need to have it. Is there an accompanying audiobook with you doing a British accent? Because I’d like to win that also.

  228. Peanut butter.

  229. 229

    Just dawned on me… how are you going to contact me if I don’t fill in the e-mail address? Are your telepathic skills that strong? Just in case, submitting again, this time with address…. I remember dissecting a REAL cow eyeball in 7th grade. Does that qualify me to win a fabulous glass cow eye substitute?? Pretty please????

  230. Three not-at-all-interesting facts about me: 1) I really don’t like carrots, no matter how good for me they are. 2) I have very hairy toes for a woman. 3) One of my cats only has one-eye, so she could probably use at least one glass eye-ball. But knowing her she’d just pop it out and bat it around and lose it, so maybe she could use a whole boxful?

  231. I’m not very original, so I’m going to steal your suggestion… sort of. I refuse to reveal the names of my body parts. That’s way too personal, for shame Jenny! So, instead I will tell you my husbands. No! NOT THAT ONE! About 10 years ago, he had a hernia. Not the painful groin type, but the other less painful, belly button type. It was rather large and very very very visible (It turned out to be 5 hernias. The med students were beyond thrilled with that surgical procedure). Anyway. We named him Vito. He was with us for a long time. I must admit I missed him a little when he was gone. We still talk fondly of Vito.

  232. Yesterday I found 5 real Easter Eggs in my son’s room stuffed in a back pack. I thought the smell was because of Ginger (My son’s $2,now, dead mouse that was bought at Petco. FYI, he now knows the reason why they are only $2) or Mrs. Kipling (my son’s Leopard Geko who is still alive). Not even the 4 boxes of baking soda I had placed in his room to soak up the smell until his father came home from a business trip to clean them would help lesson the complete vomit inducing discovery yesterday.

    As for eyeballs. I think a nice large jar of eyeballs, say 962 of them, placed in the middle of the dining room table used as a centerpiece would make a great conversation starter. Maybe even used as a guessing game. We could write our answers using only our toes on unicorn stationary.

  233. I would love a copy of this! My sister in law came to your signing in Phoenix and got me an autographed copy of the hardcover copy of your book which is worthless because I’ve already read it. A shiny new paperback one would be lovely.

    … and I’m not sure how many bodies I can fit under my bed, but the guy that sold me my last car told me there was enough room for at least 4 bodies in the trunk. That’s good information to have… just in case. I never ended up using it for that, but I did warn a few people.

  234. What kind of bodies are we talking about? Let’s see, I could probably fit 3 average humans if I squished them under there, but could fit more if smaller (or if they were animals). I can think of 2 cats who would fit nicely if they continue to fill my house with mayhem. The only problem with stashing bodies under the bed is the smell; I’m sure my husband, and then my landlord, would complain. And possibly call the police.
    Moral of the story? Stash bodies in the trunk (or boot, if you’re British) of the car and use air fresheners like they’re going out of style.

  235. Ps… totally had a Beyonce themed birthday party 2 years ago. My best friend (I call her my wife) built be a 4.5′ tall cardboard replica so we could take pictures with him at my party (I have evidence). We served KFC and dino shaped chicken nuggets (because chickens evolved from raptors) and I laminated a copy of your Beyonce story for guests to read.

  236. 236
    Paula King

    As entertaining as a box of cow eyeballs would be, I would be far more entertained by your book. It would be picked up & reread as much as my copy of Fried Green Tomatoes. There’s only so many things I could do with eyeballs.

  237. As somebody who actually has a glass eyeball already I am wondering when the Braille version is coming out?

  238. Hells yes I want an autographed copy!! :)

  239. I threw my back out last week. Then I had to miss work for 8 days. In which I made no money. So I think I have a good chance of winning, becasue something positive has to come along to counteract all that terrible shit.

    Holly Folly recently posted Putting Newspaper in the Garden: The Agony.

  240. Free glass cow eyeballs! I want some!

  241. I’ve been reading highlights from your blog to my husband for the last few days. He’s quite convinced that you and I share some common genomes or gnomes or geodes or something. I stopped listening after a while because he was just blathering through important reading time. If you send me a copy of your book, we’ll BOTH be very pleased!

    Wenny recently posted No love for the "History" Channel.

  242. comment.

  243. 243
    Monique in TX

    I had an uncle or something who had a glass eye. Actually, he had several. He had a normal one for every day, one with an American flag, and one with a shamrock. You know, just for special occasions. His favorite trick was to wear the normal one to parties, wait until some other guest was plastered, then drop his eye in their drink…

  244. 244
    Robert in Chicago

    Did you know that your fan club extends to male, Midwestern, Presbyterian, ex-lawyer hedge fund managers? I have to think I am some sort of outlier here in my outwardly un-wacky maleness. But I and my entire family are very fond of you, virtually speaking. I read about 25 blogs every day, and they fall into two categories: (1) ones with titles like “Financial Times Alphaville,” “The Pragmatic Capitalist,” and “Calculated Risk”; and (2) you.

    I have also lived in the U.K., and my business partner is British. So yes, I’d love a U.K. copy of your book to share with him. Thank you in advance!

  245. My left little toe is crooked. It got broken in 1999 and has never been the same since. Painting the toenail on it is difficult.

    Meg recently posted Music I'm Digging.

  246. When he came out of his room dressed in an old t-shirt and ratty shorts, I told my son,
    “They don’t sell kids at the Goodwill, but if they did, this is what they’d look like.”

    It would suck to be kicked out of your own tribe. I’d love another copy of your book and would totally read it in a very bad British accent.
    <3 the blog, the Tweets, the weird taxidermy, the great t-shirts on Zazzle, and the book.

  247. Read your book once it was finally available from my local library (the waiting list was HUGE), and I rec it to anyone who appreciates funny shit or could benefit from knowing they’re not alone in their struggles with anxiety and/or depression. You rock, your book rocks, and your giveaway rocks. Thanks for being awesome!

  248. The blue background is so lovely!! It makes you feel tranquil…kind of like taking a xanax. lol

  249. Spent an hour laughing out loud while reading your book in the gynecologist’s waiting room this morning . . . after that it seemed not so weird when the doc said my cervix looked boring.

  250. 250

    So I read your book after I heard about it in your NPR interview. I remember they said somthing like : jenny Lawson blogger, mom etc who has accomplished so much with her crippling horrible bonitis” all I could think after this is how much I would hate it if I wrote a kick ass book amd thent as having done somthing amazing because I have ulcerative colitis and I cant get off the toilet (like seriously im on the toilet in Joanne’s for thirty minutes right now). O would be like fuck you talk more about how I am awesome not about how I am sick. Anyways, love the book and please forgive the toilet typos

  251. me me me! i just want to read the new chapter :)

  252. I loved it so much I gave my copy to a friend and convinced the Junior League to read it, though to date they seem utterly baffled. Anyway, I’d love to have a brand spanking new copy!

  253. 253

    I too stumbled…didn’t know about the blog until you seduced me with your skewed view of the universe!

  254. In college one of my roommates had a glass eye. This somehow inspired us to toast his glass eye anytime we were drinking shots. 10 years later if someone hands me a shot I will still lift my glass and say “to Ben’s glass eye!”

    Clarification: Ben had a human glass eye. Not a cow glass eye. Please give me a book.

  255. Your favorite toe – I don’t have a good favorite, I have a least favorite, the pinky toe on my left foot. it is ugly and I lost the toenail years ago wracking it off the leg of my bed frame.
    The pet names of your body parts? My breasticles.
    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime? I should ask my aint. She has a fake eye. She lost hers when she was a little girl trying to get a knot out of her shoe with a fork. Think about that.
    The number of bodies you can fit under your bed. 4, may be 6 if there are a few petite folks in the mix.

  256. Ooh pick me pick me! So I can stop checking the book out of the library all the time since I have no book budget right now. The librarians are probably worried about me.

  257. I guess the amount of body parts you can fit under your bed depends on the time you spend with a chainsaw before.

    I mean. Wow. Nice weather outside, huh?

  258. I’d love your book!!

  259. I would love to win a copy of your book. I already own the hard cover but I would love a to get my hands on a paperback with that bonus chapter. My favorite toe is my left pinky toe because it’s adorable.

    Also, is this a British translation of the book? ;)

  260. Yes! Please?

  261. 261
    Lucia Von Letkemann

    I don’t have a favorite toe, but we did sing about one when I was at summer camp many moons ago.
    (to be sung twangily & rather off-key)
    There’s a daisy on my toe,
    It is not real, it does not grow.
    It’s just a ta-too of a flower
    so I look neat, takin’ a shower
    It’s on the 2nd toe of my right foot
    A stem and flower, but there’s no root
    (‘Cause that wouldn’t look good!)
    There’s a daisy on my toe,
    It is not real, it does not grow.

    Also, I’m a total geek & a teen librarian, molding young minds into my own little geek army. So I need many more copies of your book, obviously…

  262. Who told you about the bodies?

  263. I’ve read this book 3 times and I was just thinking I need to check it out from the library again. Either that, or stop being such a cheap ass. I don’t know what my problem is. I’ve told 3 people this last week alone that they need to read this book. I was slightly embarrassed when my friend asked if I’d loan it to her, and I told her I don’t own it, but she totally should. Anyway, if I win a copy I could totally still be a cheap ass AND I could loan it to a friend.

    Rhonda recently posted I Need a Time Out!.

  264. My favorite toe is my pinky toe!

  265. My slightly flabby underarms were compared to a soft pillow by a Russian friend. I don’t know whether it’s a good or bad thing.

  266. That’s a fabulous font for the title- elegant, yet cthulhu-y. Very you.

  267. I was hooked the day I fell off my chair, in laughter, when I first read about Beyoncé. Would love a signed copy of your book!!

  268. I’ve been in your tribe for over a year now and you’ve been my hero for nearly that long. I gave you a cape once. Yeah. Um. Thank you for being alive.

    Zena Zee recently posted Accomplishments for the Day:.

  269. I want one cause it’s pretty and blue and the other version I read was an ebook. This one will look good on my coffee table :-)

    Erica Ladd recently posted Cottonwood, AZ - A Hidden Gem.

  270. a man, a plan, a canal, panama

  271. Today I didn’t feel like sticking an ice pick in someone’s eye. It was a good day.

  272. The blue is pretty, but the mouse is rather eye-catching. :)

  273. 273
    Sandra E

    Would love a copy.

  274. I need some glass cow eyes. Or an autographed copy of your amazing book. I’d be happy either way. :)

    Tish recently posted Happy Anniversary to me!.

  275. I’m a big fan of the library and tried to get this book there… but they didn’t have it (WHAT?!) and then for Chanukah I got a Barnes and Nobel gift card and I said-SWEET i’m getting the bloggess’s book! …but then it wasn’t sold there yet… and then they got it in… and I have no idea what the heck I did with that gift card. In summary, I’d love to win it! :)

  276. 276

    I wanna reeeeeeeeeeead it.

  277. Some of the letters on your book cover seem to have a serious case of split ends.

  278. Well, I actually like all of my toes. Maybe even love. But! I did something very responsible and adult-like this morning. It felt strange but great. Like lofe in general, really. So.

  279. I was born in Texas, and Hunter S. Thomcat could be my cat Crookshanks twin brother. So since we have all that in common I think I need that book. Also if I tried hard and really packed them tightly, I think I could fit about six bodies under my bed, not that I’ve ever given it a lot of thought or anything like that. Can I have the book please?

  280. I just wanted to say thank you. I got your book as an ebook. Last summer and (through an unfortunate coincidence) my youngest daughter spent almost a week in the hospital after a seizure and your book helped me make it through. I would love to read the new chapter (and totally love the Uk lettering). Thank you again.

    Vixi Dragon recently posted Arguing with Myself: Rape Prevention.

  281. 281
    Mel Boyer

    Did you know that in the 17th century the king claimed all pigeon poo to be his property? It was rich in potassium and was used in the making of gun powder. At least that is what I heard.

    Now….lets get that book ready to ship, eh?!

  282. 282

    Are you coming to UK/EU to promote this?
    Would love the chance to hear a reading (although I know how anxiety producing that could be for you- I am still selfishly hoping for it)

  283. Do ashes count? 5 family members and 3 pets in the spare bedroom. I do plan on scattering the ashes. It just hasn’t happened yet. Not weird, right? Well, maybe a little.

  284. 284
    Nancy Landry

    Loved, loved, loved the book. Trying to win for a new friend that is a new fan of yours. :-)

  285. So… last night I was riding around with my friend in her Bug (The Volkswagen, not an actual bug) and… Well, I guess I should really introduce myself first so you don’t think I’m too crazy. I’m a rather tall guy. And as you may (or may not) know, bugs have incredibly small amounts of leg room. So as I was riding with my friend, I decided instead of getting leg cramps, I’m just going to stick my legs out the window! Now, this probably wouldn’t be too big of a deal, except I was wearing gym shorts that are basically boxers. So my legs are flailing through the air as people drive by and it looks like I’m wearing no pants. Oh, and this is in small town OKLAHOMA!!! So, to put a very badly grammared bow on top of this nonsense, you should send a copy to me. Because 1) I stuck my bare, hairy, pure white legs out a window, 2) I gave my original copy of your book to the friend I mentioned in this story, and 3) WE’RE BASICALLY NEIGHBORS!!! If you just ignore the whole Oklahoma-Texas feud thing we actually get along really well!

  286. ^^^Holy shite you have a BIG tribe!! Congrats!!

    Aaron recently posted Love Bridges All….

  287. I have been wanting glass cow eyeballs for years! Butterbelle just looks odd and kind of spooky without them, with these two empty holes in her face. But I’d take a book, instead. Butterbelle won’t be able to read it, but oh well, sucks to be her.

  288. Proud to say I have a friend whose nickname for her lady bits is “Va-Jayjay Abrams”

    No relation. Or resemblance. According to her.

  289. wasn’t sure what to leave for a comment, then I realized that I’m going to need to rebuild my library after the buns finish eating all my books as my punishment for leaving them for a week. And I’m ok with this being the book to seed the whole.

  290. Today would be a lovely day to win a beautiful british book!
    Also- I have a fetus in my belly… so you’d really be giving TWO people a book if I win one! That counts for something?

  291. I love your blog and your book!

  292. ME WIN NOW.

    steph recently posted Procaptionating.

  293. 293
    Jessica Collins

    When I go to rainbow glitter unicorn St. Patrick’s day/birthday parties, dress up friends’ dogs in various hats and jewelry just for the amusement of my five year old, use my whiteboard at work to map out and track office gossip via a series of unrecognizable symbols and nicknames assigned to co-workers, ring a doorbell with my toe because my hands are too full of McDonald’s food and I’m really bendy, or any other assorted oddball situations that become me, I think of you and realize that I’m actually still very commonplace. Thank you for your assorted taxidermy animals that make me laugh almost as much as I laugh inside when I find myself sitting among stuffed Indians or pretending to meditate next to giant Buddha head statutes. It’s an honor to be a tribe member.

  294. I’ve never had a glass eye ball. I feel like I’m missing out. Of course I’ve also never had a signed book of yours either, and I’m definitely missing out on that!!

  295. Gave it as a gift to my daughter. But forgot to steal it back.

    Tom recently posted Camino de Santiago, The Backpack.

  296. : ) : ) : )

  297. I’m a children’s librarian and I absolutely adore your book! I read it when it first came out and recommended it to everyone! I have a new appreciation for taxidermy thanks to you and if I could incorporate stuffed wildlife into story time and terrorize a few children in the process my day would be complete!

  298. I would love to win a copy. That evil lying beast has been rearing its ugly head all week and I really could use a laugh. Coming here helps when things start to get to hard so win or not thank you for being here.

  299. I read your book recently and it was fucking amaze balls.

    I snorted snot bubbles of laughter the entire way through it.

    I loved it enough, I decided that at least one other person needs this much happiness without my script of Seroquel – so I ran a “Sisterhood of the Travelling Book” over on my blog and passed my copy on to someone else.

    I’d love one. Can you ship to Cape Town, South Africa?


  300. my favorite toe: right big toe. it’s really nice. pet name for body part: my china (you can guess which one).

    monica recently posted Did my family buy a zoo?.

  301. 301
    Erin Mitchell

    I would really like to have a book and a glass eye if you don’t mind. I’ve never had a glass eye. Once I met Marilyn Manson and he had a glass eye mounted on a ring on his hand. I don’t know if it was real or what. I don’t know what that has to do with anything but it’s all I’ve got.

  302. Woke up this morning to the news that one of my son’s guinea pigs was DEFINITELY not male as we previously thought, as there was a cute little baby guinea pig just chilling in the enclosure.

  303. 303

    Three random facts:
    1. Once, when I was a small child, I colored almost my entire hand with a black permanent magic marker because I wanted to be black.
    2. In third grade, we learned that humans have seven layers of skin, and I freaked out because I had already had three peeling sunburns by that point.
    3. My friend says I must have been a huge asshole in a past life to get stuck with the feline version of the honey badger.

  304. I’m totally reading this is the 10th Doctor’s voice.

  305. I heart you and your posts and your tweets. Thank you for bringing imagination to some pretty odd places.

  306. I need to know the location of the nearest hospital at all times. Whether at work, driving from one end of the city to the other or travelling I cannot relax unless I know where it is…you know, just in case. Does that make me part of the tribe?

    Ciara recently posted Day 1 – It’s all about baby steps.

  307. I think this is approximately the 2304230984 time I have tried to win your book for free… I am sure the only way for me to win is to purchase the book less than 24 hours before you announce the winner.

  308. I just went to a PT and she stuck a bunch of needles in my leg to make my muscles contract & spasm involuntarily.

  309. I’ve already read the book, (us version) but would love to get it autographed, possibly mail it to you with a postage paid return box? Or pick me to win this one ;)

  310. My dog eats used kleenex.

  311. Ooooo eeeeeeee ooooooooo

  312. Squirrels terrify me, stuffed or otherwise. I swerve at them when I see them in the street.

  313. 313

    I bought the hard cover the day it came out at the airport and then proceeded to laugh uncontrollably and sob the whole flight. This really annoyed my seat neighbor, but she was annoying the stewardess by not turning off her mobile devise or correcting the position of her chair. I figured it was fair swap of annoyances for that trip.
    Thank you for writing it and being you!

  314. Yes, please! I am currently reading your book for the first time, and find myself alternating between laughing hysterically (a raccoon in pants?!) and crying quietly (my first son was stillborn at 28 weeks). I would love to read the new chapter, and be able to gift your wit to a friend when I’m through.

  315. I never intended for this to happen ( like we ever really do) but my 13 almost 14 yr. old picked up my copy of your book and is now one of your biggest fans, she even read an excerpt from your book in a comedy routine she had to do for a class assignment and now aspires to be a blogger like you!! She would LOVE a copy of the UK edition, especially because she spent much of her early years trying to speak with a British accent! We love your book Jenny!

  316. i love this. mostly for the glass cow eyeballs, but the book is equally great!

  317. I have no room under my bed for bodies, but my trunk can fit quite a few.

  318. 318
    Marg Land

    I collect books. It’s better than collecting weird crap the cat coughed up or lint from the dryer. But I admit they take up more room and are heavier. I already have a hard copy of your fucking fantastic book but I would LOVE to have a UK version with your autograph in it. It would probably be the best thing to happen to me, EVER! (I don’t get out much; the books have me trapped).

  319. 319
    Christy H

    Trying to teach my three year old how to roll her eyes at her brother. That’s a good idea, right?

  320. Commenting to win! I don’t have a favorite toe. They are all kinda sad.

  321. The only body’s that can fit under my bed are my cats. That’s where they hide when anyone comes to the door. I don’t know where they get it from…wait was that a knock at the door? Time to hide!

  322. I’d say I knew you when, if only I had found your blog sooner than 2 weeks ago. That said – I think a big box of glass cow eyeballs could be the coolest thing but you’d need a LOT of them -you could attach them to a huge wall, like in a powder room. How trippy would that be – a full wall of eyeballs! Then you could creepily say before someone goes in there “be careful, they’re watching………”
    Would love an autographed copy of your book!

  323. we actually do have a glass eyeball. It was my great grandmothers. My grandpa brought it to show and tell when I was a kid and freaked everyone out

    Lauren recently posted Cauliflower Pilaf – AMAAAZING!!!.

  324. I’d love an autographed copy of the book with the new chapter. But I might love an autographed glass eyeball more.

  325. Also, there’s not much room for much more beneath my bed. I do, however, have a rather large closet.

  326. My 16 year old cat, Rajah, *loves* olives. Goes crazy for them — like catnip crazy.

  327. me, me, me! pick me! :-)

  328. 328
    Megan Anzalone

    Long time reader, first time commenter.

    Yay, Doctor Who!


  329. I could probably fit 2-3 bodies under my bed, maybe 4. If I moved my storage boxes. I usually have 1 under there anyway. My rabbit loves to spend tons of her time under my bed when I’m not at school or work. She would probably thump while I put the bodies under there, and she might nip them to get them to move out of her way, but that wouldn’t work. I have been planning on getting your book for ages, just the poor student part makes it hard. But the NEXT book I buy, will be it. Unless I win this signed copy! Which I would hold as a prized possession, and my rabbit will probably end up nibbling it, much to my chagrin. :( Oh well.

    Basically I can fit no bodies under my bed because my rabbit would be mad at me for piling things up in her space.

  330. A very good friend recommended your book to me by saying “it reminds me of your sense of humor.”
    So I got it from the library and laughed-til-I-cried through several chapters. For a while I was SO flattered that my very good friend thought i was even remotely this funny. Then the inevitable happened & I started over thinking EVERYTHING and came to the obvious conclusion that my very good friend was just trying to point out that I say f*ck a lot.

  331. You make my heart happy! I would LOVE an autographed copy of your book!

  332. I would love to be entered to win a copy!!!

  333. 333

    Oh yes please! I bought the kindle addition when it first came out, but there is nothing like holding the real thing in your hands! Of course, I am talking about your book… what else would I want to hold in my hands????

  334. my glass eyeball popped out. it rolled down the hall, and my cat, Koko Picasso, chased it under the dresser. Cash, the other cat, pawed it out and carried it to the vent, where he promptly dropped it right down into the ductwork. i think they did it on purpose because i brought home a fake chicken, which i named Gladys (she’s really a cross-dressing rooster) and perched her on my tv stand, where the cats are not allowed to climb. so i’m thinking in a jealous rage, they seized the opportunity to make a point. maybe i’ll move Gladys.

  335. Your favorite toe: The second one, which is slightly longer than my “big” toe because it will not be overshadowed by THAT asshole.

    The pet names of your body parts: Just my boobs, Pinky and the Brain.

    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime: 6.

    The number of bodies you can fit under your bed: None. I sleep on an air mattress like the classy motherfucker that I am.

  336. 336
    Sarah C.

    Um…comment to win a signed copy of your book? Who wouldn’t?

    What I would do with glass eyeballs would depend on how much they actually look like real eyeballs.

  337. 337
    Patti, aka oldgoatwoman

    Waiting for you to use a gypsy wagon as inspiration to travel wherever your thoughts take you. Or, just to use as an escape in your own backyard.

  338. Unfortunately, unless they were small bodies, I don’t think I could fit but maybe one body under my bed. It’s a bed on a truck, so there are all sorts of important things under there already.

    M.A. Smith recently posted Why I'd Prefer It If My Children Didn't Read Twilight.

  339. Well, I don’t have an under the bed because they creep me out. I don’t think you need more than 3 glass eyeballs. One for everyday,one for dress up occasions and an extra, just in case. My kid has presented me with both your hardback and paperback versions, signed in NYC ( he left a party last time to dash over and stand in line.)
    You brighten my day. That’s really enough but I would not turn down the British copy of your book.

  340. I don’t have a favorite toe but i DO have a favorite side. My left side. my right side pales in comparison.

    Charlotte @ Commitness to Fitness recently posted The Liebster Award!.

  341. I read “the number of bodies you can fit under your bed” as “the number of doodles you can fit under your bed” and you know what? I didn’t even think twice about it.

  342. I actually know of someone who eats eyeballs. Some kind of delicacy. I can fit 2 parrots under my bed. Any more than that and they fight. No bodies. I have other means to take care of those. (shhhhh) I have been reading you since you got the rooster. It makes me feel less odd when I say things like ‘my kitchen is full of giant fake boulders and I can’t cook dinner’.

  343. 343
    Angelina I

    Well I already actually have a copy that I bought and one that I got as a gift (from my sister, who I also bought a copy as a gift for, gah!). So I’ll just have to disagree with you in that you can never have too many of these things! Third one is a charm or something??

  344. Wow. Just reading some of the comments makes me think I’m not worthy or that I’m somehow lacking in the right version of weird to deserve a book. But then the glass eyeball thing gets me wondering if they buried Peter Falk with his eyeball when he passed, because really, he was done with it…how we’d never fit bodies under our bed because we store too much sh*t under there (so that’s probably where the cat keeps her stash)…how I named the girls Perky and Spike when I was 13, but my husband has renamed them Belle and Norma and I’m pretty sure I don’t wanna know where those names came from. Also I visited a gift shop yesterday that had a stuffed animal of a bear’s head (toy, not taxidermy) and I nearly brought the damn thing home to hang in the living room, so I think I qualify a little. Thanks for the opportunity! (even though I admit reading your followers comments makes me afraid to leave the house now)

    Melanie J. recently posted Yup! Still not old yet....

  345. 345
    Jennifer Barrett

    I read your book on my kindle and LOVED it! Unexpectedly the other night a women at my daughter’s school shared that she had an anxiety disorder and she was working on overcoming it. I told her all about you and recommended your book and blog. I wished I had it in
    print to loan her so I would love to win one!

  346. Bless you for the silver ribbons. You have saved more lives than you realize. I’m glad I get to live in the world that you’re a part of.

  347. 347
    Terri in SF

    Well, I like the US cover MUCH better than this UK version. Took all the fun out of it. I actually have a hardbound copy of your book and enjoyed it immensely. I would love an autographed UK version so that I could read it aloud to my cat in a British accent. She loves that sort of thing. However, I would settle for a glass cow eye.

  348. When you say “autographed copy,” do you mean you just cavalierly jot your name in the front of the book, or do you mean “Emily, you are the most fantastically wonderful person on the planet. Love & Kisses, Jenny.”? Because I am really terrible about lending books to people and never getting them back, and I think it would really help if someone would write my name in the front cover before I’m allowed to own them. I have already lost one copy of your book in this way.

  349. My left nipple is shaped like a comma. When i lay on one side, my chest is a semicolon!

  350. My best friend Kathryn LOVES your blog. Last year I got her a “Knock Knock Motherfucker” t-shirt for Mothers Day. This year maybe I could give her an autographed copy of your book!

  351. busy putting stickers on my organs

    Vivian recently posted Which organ do you want?.

  352. I want this to be the 1 book I read this year.

  353. I love harmonica cover music

  354. I could try to comment about something witty, but all I can think about is how hungry I am and how hard relationships are. Sunshine and roses, basically.

    In other news, thank you for being a gem <3

  355. 355

    Can I comment on how awesome you are? Because I’m sure you never get tired of hearing that. And also, because I like to say true things, and there is no truer thing than that. Except maybe that “Cogito, sum” thing. Psh. Descartes ain’t got nothing on you, sister.

  356. I favor the toe next to my big toe. Yes, I’ve read your book; but I’m greedy and want a signed copy. I’ll pass my unsigned hardcopy to someone, maybe:)

  357. I’m an excellent packer. How many bodies do you need for me to fit under my bed?

  358. Cow eyeballs!!

    Melissa recently posted The Big Online Wedding Reveal.

  359. I love my long, long second toe.

  360. So, I’m pretty sure I won’t win since I never win anything. But I’d love to win a free autograph copy of your book. I’m really curious about the tentacles growing out of the title on the British version, as shown in the picture. Maybe the vintage glass cow eyeballs WOULD be more normal.

  361. 361
    Carri Olkowicz

    Holy crap on a cracker how are you gonna pick a few winners from the *currently almost 1000* comment?

    I’d love to win a copy, as I lent out my hard copy and it has gone MIA. I haz a sad.

  362. Commentary goes here.

    Kes recently posted The Dorm Student’s Prayer.

  363. I know you can fit at least one cat and a 19-month-old little girl under my bed – that happens frequently at my house. The poor cat doesn’t find it very amusing – it used to be her safe space. The 19-mo-old is very proud of herself!

  364. Thank you for always getting me to laugh my ass off! (wish that was possible because I’ve got a big one!) WOOF!!

  365. I work in HR. I think I deserve to win! (as a previous HR-er, you understand)

  366. I like the American cover better than British one, but I would totally love to have a copy of either!

  367. Everything is better with a British accent.

  368. I NEED this! Pretty Please :)
    Your best friend forever, (cause we met that one time and it was awkward)

  369. 369

    Jenny, you aren’t just in the tribe, you are the fucking Queen. We need to get you a crown, possibly made out of a taxidermied animal or maybe something with antlers….

    And I would guess three bodies… Four if they are skinny.

  370. I just finished your book in paperback (I am so sorry about the lack of prostitutes but bravo on moving up in the nipple world!) and I loved it! I’d like to receive an autographed copy so I can give my current copy to my sister-in-law who has a blog and writes books, she could really learn some things from you. Like how to keep readers from falling asleep.

    Loved it! Can’t wait for you to write another one!

  371. I am the proud owner of a pair of glass alligator eyes.

  372. 372
    Nichole Thornton

    So, is Caitlin Moran the English Jenny Lawson? Does she dress her dead animals in British regalia?? Also, I wanna win:)

  373. Friend: What are you getting for dessert?
    Me: A piece of Fuck You Cake?
    Friend: Wait, what?
    Me: It’s so good that if you bother me while I’m eating it, fuck you.
    Friend: (eats a bite)
    Me: Well?
    Friend: The world can go fuck itself!

  374. I named my coffee maker Sir Brew-a-lot. And everymorning I pretend that he answers my questions for a cuppa with: OH SHUT THE F**K UP!

  375. Is the english version written in Iambic Pentamiter?

  376. O_o scrolling to the bottom of the page on mobile to comment takes a long time. Wow.

    At any rate, keep on being awesome. You are one of the few things putting a smile on my face lately. Thank you.

  377. 377
    Jennifer DuBose

    I would love a copy of the book and I am currently looking for a lil Jayz to go with my friends lil Beyoncé, know where I can get one!!!

  378. I would love to win a copy.

  379. I bought the book for my kindle, but a signe copy would be pretty ok.

  380. I wish I could stop chewing my fingernails. Maybe if I win, I will!

  381. 381
    Amanda S.

    I would be super excited to win so I could have a copy with the extra chapter. It would take the edge off the fact that my allergies are kicking my butt right now and my Zyrtec is not doing its job.

  382. Bodies under bed? At last count, there were 49 fingers, 23 hooves
    and 5 tails. Interested in trading a glass eye for something? Lo.

  383. Ooooo I’d love one. I keep regifting mine to those in need or depressed or because I forgot to buy them a gift so hey you’ll love this book too

  384. For some reason, I can’t stop thinking about unicorns today.

  385. 385
    Ashley H.

    Thank you for the unlimited giggles on some of my darker days.

    Speaking of glass eyes…well…I can’t really do that…I’ve never seen one in person….or IN a person…or a cow…or any animal for that matter. My pug looks like he has a marble eye…it’s all blue and cloudy and makes him look like a badass. I want to put an eyepatch on him and somehow attach a parrot or tiny monkey to his shoulder, but the boyfriend won’t let me. So, I just have to pretend he’s a little pirate pug…and I’m pretty sure he knows.

    Along the same lines…I have seen some ridiculously huge contacts that could have passed for half a glass eye. They were my grandpa’s and they freaked me the fuck out.

  386. Hey, I have “cow” in my last name. Do I get 2 entries and the glass cow eyes? I’ve got a plan for the eyes involving glass and a clip on mustache.

  387. Please pick me because the third shot of novocaine this afternoon made my heart accelerate in a really exciting way, my face is still numb, and apparently I have no idea how to spell novocaine. Novocane? Nope.

    Also because your tribe is now so huge, so why don’t I know more people in it? *That* is why I deserve a copy of your book. And I mentioned your book in two separate job interviews and still didn’t get a job offer and maybe I should listen to what I’m saying here to answer the baffling question of why I haven’t been hired. But I refuse. I’m a librarian and I think if people don’t think you are hilarious, they don’t deserve me as a librarian.

    And like everyone else, I love you.

  388. I would have to say that the minimum glass cow eyes needed in a lifetime would be 35. I figure you will probably missplace at least 6 in your lifetime, give 14 as “Dirty Sants” gifts at your place of employment, keep three to use like those chineese meditaiton balls you roll in the palm of your hand, dare 6 eigth graders to swallow one on a dare…leaving you 6 to travel the world help our self-consious bovine in third world countries…yep…35 minmum…

  389. 389

    Hey Jenny. I’m watching Ellen. She’s got Cher and her mom on. You should watch. You’d like it.

  390. 390

    I had to dissect a cow eye in middle school and never really recovered from it. I assumed the cows were dead and maybe used for food but now that you propose this idea of glass cow-eyes I can’t help but imagine some poor cow selling one of their eyes to make ends meet. The positive though is I also imagine the cows family all getting together and working double time to sell milk to get said cow a glass replacement.

  391. 391

    I have a glass cow… does that count?

  392. Sometimes I think you’re inside my head. Which is almost certainly uncomfortable for both of us, but at least there’s circus music you might enjoy.

  393. me please!

  394. 394

    My mom and I love your blog! I have a feeling she wants dead animal art now because of you :)

  395. 395
    Rebecca Gilles

    I’m happily part of this tribe, and so happy more people keep joining!

  396. I think the average person would possibly use 8-49 glass eyeballs in one lifetime. Also, I just ate a yogurt, but I wish it was ice cream. What a great job, right?!

    Heather W recently posted Five Things Friday – Google image history.

  397. My first OBGYN visit, the nurse told me to completely strip down and wait for the doctor. I don’t particularly like being nude, but I didn’t want to act all prudish about it, so I’m just standing there, totally naked and trying to act cool with it. The doctor walks in and tells me there’s a robe under the sheet on the table. After giving me the once-over. I kind of wanted to die.

    Also, I want the book.

    Julia recently posted Day 23: My First Job.

  398. After reading your book, I promptly went to Amazon and ordered it for all my friends who have eReaders (that way they could read them faster). It would be lovely if you picked me to win a hard copy, but it’s ok if you don’t. I loved your book more than I can possibly state and am convinced that you could possibly be one of my spirit animals, but I have so many I have lost count. So there’s that…

    CourtneyK. recently posted Leah Remini previews FAMILY TOOLS on ABC.

  399. I totally wanna read the new chapter….. I’m sure there’s some good stuff in it!

    Molley Mills recently posted Some House Guests are Better than Others.

  400. I’m always curious as to why the covers are different in different countries. Anyway, I’d love to win an autographed copy of this one!

  401. I have an extensive collection of porcelain unicorns… Most people find it creepy and then I introduce them to this blog. I appreciate having someone more ridiculous than I am :)

    Kadia recently posted The Plan… again.

  402. I don’t have a favorite toe, but I have a least favorite one! It’s my left pinky toe. One day my toenail on that toe just fell right off. Right off. For no reason! When I looked at it, there was a second, newer toenail already in place. So maybe it *should* be my favorite toe?

  403. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

  404. My boyfriend and I loved listening to your book last year during our trip to Seattle and Vancouver. I’m glad he was the one driving as there were several times I was laughing so uncontrollably, I would’ve probably driven off the road! Congratulations on all of your success. I am really looking forward to your next book. I would love to win an autographed copy of your book. Thanks for the chance to win!

  405. 405
    Alicia Cooper

    Jenny – just want to Thank You for giving me hope!! Your blog & book help me thru my worst days. I’m one of the lucky “tribe” that had a chance to meet you at your book signing in Seattle, WA (not the Costco one – lol). Me & some other gals waiting in line, filled the “waiting to meet you” time by comparing medications, ailments, common interests we have with you & favorite passages from the book…We definitely were a rowdy little group in that line :)
    Thank You again for helping this neurotic little gal thru’ her good & bad days – especially the bad, when the “pills” don’t seem to be working for me that day… :)

  406. Thanks for the giveaway :)

  407. i have one of my dad’s glass eyes in an apothecary jar at my front door. so i am currently using 1 glass eye. i should see if he has anymore so i can have a whole jar of eyeballs!

    ohjennymae recently posted collage layer cake winner.

  408. 408

    Would love an autographed copy-especially if it has a new chapter.

  409. My favorite toe is NOT the little one (you call it a pinkie I believe) because you always kick that one on the end of the bed.
    My body parts do not have pet names… mmmmmmmmm might rectify that soon.
    Not sure that I would ever find much use for any glass eyeballs… but then again I am not a normal person… and I will never say never.
    I couldn’t fit even one dead body under my bed… uuuuuunnnnnnnnnless I chopped it up real small… then maybe two… three tops.
    Can I have a book please? I love being a part of this tribe.

    Anne-Marie Cox recently posted WATCH THIS SPACE!.

  410. I want a copy of your book! Please!!
    My favourite toe is the middle one. Because when you play “This Little Piggy Went to Market”, he’s the one who gets roast beef. Sucks to be the next one, who gets none. And yes. My toes are he’s.

    JIll recently posted WWTKW: How high are my morals…?.

  411. My adopted Weiner dog just lost a quarter of his body weight, and would love a bedtime story about other weirdos. :)

    Also, I bought your book on my nook, and got the nameplate, so I would love to have a place to put it.

  412. A few years back my husband tried to introduce me to this blog that he KNEW I’d love. I ignored his recommendation, not because I don’t value his opinions, but because I can be really lazy. A few months later a great friend introduced me to the amazing world of The Bloggess. I couldn’t wait to share with said husband the amazing blog I’d just been told about. Imagine my surprise when he stormed off yelling how I “never listen to him” and, “I told you about that blog how long ago, and BLAH BLAH BLAH.” So of course my only course of action was to REPEATEDLY mention how great your blog is and how he should really, really read it. My friend has been kind enough to do the same when talking to the husband (they’ve been friends since 3rd grade). I love it when my husband walks off muttering and gives me dark looks. Another copy of your book would be further proof that my friend and I have great taste and he should really listen to our advice.

  413. My three year old speaks in sign. He signs what looks for all the world like Wolverine, right in front of my face, but he means Batman. Apparently, Batman fights like a bitch.

  414. Ummmm………how many glass eyeballs does the average person need in a lifetime? It depends on whether he’s got 1 good eye or not because if not then you’d double the amount of eyeballs or maybe even triple if he winks a lot. Now, if he can throw daggers with his eyes then you’d need several pairs for that along with the normal eyes, then there’s the evil eye.

    My guess would be anywhere between 1 and 1,375, give or take a few hundred in there.

    Dee recently posted Have You Ever Had Something Stolen?.

  415. 415
    Julie Latham

    Is it written in British and not english? I have a hard time with foreign languages.

  416. Did you know the German word for “poison” is “Gift”? I found this out my first month in Germany. I was looking for Mothballs (which they don’t sell because they’re carcinogenic…they’re worried about their health, those Germans, which doesn’t explain why they smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, and live to be 200 years old). Anyway, I was looking for mothballs to stuff into knee-highs and shove under my husband’s car, not because I wished him ill but because he was leaving his car in his work parking space whilst he borrowed a company car to drive to a class up North, and martens are quite fond of nibbling on cables. And as much as I may want to brain my husband with a frying pan some days, I really didn’t want him to die in a firey ball or wrapped around a Kafer (pine tree) because some interfering marten had had a go at his brake cables.

    Anyway, I stood in the Killing Stuff aisle of the local Obi (like a Home Depot, only angrier) on the phone with hubby. I was reading off the names of the things on the shelves, and he was typing them into Google Translate on the computer. Being the environmentally-minded people that they are, the Germans didn’t have much in the way of poisons, more like deterrents, and I was getting frustrated because if I’m trying to rid myself of a varmint, I’m not wanting it to shoo, I’m pretty much wanting it dead, so I didn’t think little flowered sachet of lavender was going to do the trick.

    And that’s when I discovered the German word “Gift”. Look it up if you don’t believe me. I vowed then and there that if a German ever offered me “Ein Gift” I would run screaming the other direction. Incidentally, the German word for mobile phone is “Handy”, they don’t know what Bisquik is, it’s illegal to wear a mask in public, and a pillow may be considered a passive weapon.

    BTW, I did find packets of chili powder to ward away the martens. It made my house smell like a restaurant.

    Did I get the book? I’d really like to win the book.

  417. I would love a British copy of your book…it’s in another language, right? Oh, wait. Never mind about the other language part. :)

  418. My dog Redford has nipples, yes *nipples*–big ones–on the sides of his *penis*. First, on his penis? And second, his other nipples are small, so I don’t know.

    Oh wait, you said “pet names of your body parts”. I misunderstood.

    avidbruxist recently posted Axilla the Hun.

  419. Thanks for being our tribe leader!

  420. I don’t speak British, and I already have a copy (the real, autographed in person, American version). I can only imagine these copies were printed in a Dickensian (don’t get a chance to use that word often) sweatshop in whatever the seamy side of London is called. “Please, Ms. Lawson, may I have some more?” THINK OF THE CHILDREN, JENNY!

    John Lewis recently posted My Acting Résumé.

  421. So the sun has finally come out here in London! Apparently, this March was one of the wettest on record, a phrase always sounds smutty to my filthy brain. But now the sun is here! Although still no-one is warm because everyone insists on going out without a coat as if it’s summer, even though it’s only 15 degrees outside. So, we are dazzled but freezing. That’s London right now.

  422. I live in Minnesota. It’s snowing. On May 1st. I need something to make me happy.

  423. thank you for the tribe.

    i don’t have names for the parts of my body but i have been told i have “mean little teeth”.

  424. You know, an autographed glass eyeball would be an excellent conversation piece…
    As is your book. Especially when autographed!

  425. Awesome – cow eyes?? And a book? Count me in!

  426. Cartographers do it in uncharted territory.

    Just sayin’.

    Tee recently posted Welcome to Tee’s Pops & Treats!.

  427. Today I wasted $70 at Home Depot on gardening supplies so that I may grow strawberries, carrots and peas. In containers, not in the ground. I get home and realized I have no containers. I have no gardening tools.



    Lilly recently posted We-Vibe Salsa Giveaway Winners Announced!.

  428. Sadly, I can fit zero bodies under my bed, because it is directly on the floor.

    Wait. . Maybe I could fit one. One very flat body.

    Linz recently posted Kinecting.

  429. This definitely makes up for the soft-core unicorn porn yesterday!!

  430. I want to WIIIIIIIIN!

  431. I can probably fit 10ish bodies under my bed. If I stacked them really well and chopped off some legs. And…I would love a book!

  432. So, I’ve read your book, but it was my friends copy. So, yeah, I’d love to win one of my very own! The book, not a friend. Although a friend might be nice…

    Raine recently posted Reasons My Six Year Old Son Is Crying.

  433. I’ve tried using a credit I had on Amazon to buy this and it’s stupid and won’t let me. Please pick me!

  434. I once smeared orange all over a Cardinal, but it was entirely his fault for barging into my office and wanting to shake my hand.

  435. I had a roommate in college with a cat that I swear was the spawn of satan. It forever ruined me. While I no longer like cats, I can appreciate your cat humor. Please don’t let that deter you from giving me a book!

  436. I estimate that I could stuff 4 or 5 bodies under my bed if I had someone on the other side to keep them from sliding out the other side. However, they would all be very dusty as I see no point to trying to vacuum an area that no one ever sees.

  437. If I win, it will be more exciting than when Chewbacca smacked my ass at a toy convention. Seriously, I was hugging Peter Mayhew and he slapped my ass with his giant, wookiee hand.

  438. Yay! I would love this book. I really want to read the new chapter

  439. Dude.

  440. I loved this book and had my daughter(13) read it as well. She loved this book too.

  441. I’m not sure, but I think I could probably find use for more than a dozen vintage glass cow eyeballs. Even if I couldn’t, I’d still love to be entered for a chance to win a copy of your book (to be read in a British accent, natch.)

    Jonathan Aul recently posted Computer Graphics World - Digital Specimens.

  442. My great grandpa lived in the foothills of the Appalachians in rural Kentucky. At some point his pinky finger began curling in toward his palm and he couldn’t straighten it. Considering the times and especially the location, they didn’t know how to fix it medically, so they cut his pinky off. My great grandpa wanted to be buried with “all his parts,” so he kept his pinky in a baby food jar filled with formaldehyde on his dresser in between two ceramic hand lamps. When he died, and my grandparents went to Kentucky to get his stuff, the pinky hadn’t been properly cared for and the formaldehyde had evaporated enough that the pinky was no longer well preserved. Instead of burying him with it, my grandparents brought the pinky back for all of us great grandchildren to be grossed out before throwing it away. That’s what I think of when you talk about cow eyeballs for some reason.

  443. Most hilarious book I’ve ever read!

  444. 444

    Well, my favorite toe is my second toe on the left foot. That’s b/c I broke it when I was younger and now it seems to have a mind of its own. When I bend all my toes down, it sort of rebels and stays up higher than all the others. I have NO IDEA why this makes me happy, but I figure my toe can do what it pleases, then so can I!

  445. Great. Now I’m hoarding books, too.

  446. Saw an episode of Pawn Stars where they purchase an animal that was a deer butt with the face of a bobcat – it was hideous and fabulous and made me think of you! Love your blog, your book – you are fantastic!!!!!

  447. I can juggle glass eyes. It just this thing i can do.

    Nicki recently posted Bad pet owners make me feel stabby.

  448. Yes, please!

  449. Your blog makes my work day so much easier to cope with…and Let’s Pretend This Never Happened made my summer vacation last year way better. The paperback copy with the new chapter would totally make this year’s vacation better :)

  450. ER My Gersh!!! My very own autographed copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened?!? That would be heaven on a stick! :-)

  451. My legs do not currently have names, but if they did they wouldn’t be very good ones. You see, i’m mad at them for being sore. Working out sucks.

  452. Dear Jenny,
    I would like to let you know that you may or may not have ruined my relationship with my boyfriend as, after reading your book for book club last month, I became entirely obsessed with buying dead creatures on eBay and they are taking over our apartment.
    On a related note, I have become quite frustrated with eBay searching (I hope you can relate) because I want to find the absolute perfect mounted Jackalope to put over the television instead of the clock that currently resides there, but they all look effed up, like lopsided eyes and short antlers. NO. I want clean fur and an 8-pointed antler dammit. I found one that was of amiable disposition and character, but I was outbid the very last motherloving second. Her name is Jackie Onassalope and that’s her name even if I don’t own her. I hope she misses the life we could have had.
    Also again, I’ve gotten my boyfriend’s mother a taxidermied rooster for Mother’s Day because she loves that shit in her kitchen. She loves rooster prints, I mean. I don’t think she has a dead animal in her kitchen… yet. He doesn’t know, I’m sending it to her and he doesn’t read your blog so he still won’t know even after I post this.
    Also once more, I would love a signed copy of your glorious (read: quite funny at parts) book as I collect signed books and yours would join the ranks of Madeleine L’Engle, Nora Ephron and my grandfather (who wrote a very boring book about the railroads that I edited and was printed by a no-name publisher and sold 5 copies). This would be very prestigious for you.
    Thank you for reading if you’ve actually kept reading until this point, and thank you again for ruining my relationship. I was this close to pinning him down forever.

  453. I would love to win an autographed book! I lent a friend my plain old unautographed one . . . the one I dropped in the bathtub while reading it. It’s never quite been the same. :/

    The Grammar Belle recently posted This literally makes me tired. Figuratively too..

  454. Being a poor grad student (married to a poor grad student) I borrowed the book from the library the first time I read it. I would love to own my own copy!

  455. I can fit about seven bodies under my bed. Five, if I stuff them full of glass cow eyes.

    KMB recently posted WTF Wednesday: Some Randomness For Your Enjoyment.

  456. I think The vintage glass cow eyeballs would look great in a vase ! it’s a conversation starter or ender… A beautiul center piece :)

  457. I only know one glass eyeball story: My high school chemistry/physics teacher had a glass eye. He lost it down the drain and dug up the septic to find it. I’m guessing glass eyeballs are pretty expensive.

  458. This morning I saw Ernest Hemingway driving a Dodge Neon, and then at lunch I saw Gilligan driving a Toyota Landcruiser! At least… I’m pretty sure it was Hemingway. He had a beard.

  459. When I was in third grade, our school had a carnival. There was a cake walk, and I was obsessed with it. It was the only thing I wanted to do all evening. I was a pretty lucky kid, and won 8 times. I kept bringing cakes and cookies and baked goods over to my family’s blanket on the field, setting them down and running off before my mother could tell me not to bring back any more cakes.

    My mom was cool enough to let me eat quite a lot of my winnings, and the rest was shared with the neighbors.

    I was never allowed to do cakewalks again, though.

  460. I quite like the vaguely melted spaghetti font they used for the title.
    I have finished packing just about every book my husband and I own for our upcoming move on May 12+1. It came to 39 boxes. That doesn’t seem like much until I realize that I’ve only packed 25 boxes of other stuff and the total box count might actually be 50% books. And then I stop and think about how awesome it is to own that many books, because books are great.
    Especially when they use vaguely melted spaghetti fonts.

  461. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant. :D (I just decided to go with full-on greed. Screw the excuses. Gimme! (Please. :))

    Chi recently posted Writer | Editor | PR & Marketing Professional.

  462. Your Twitter request for unicorn pr0n made me realize just how much power you wield over the internet. It is awesome and should be abused!

  463. 463
    Elizabeth Allen

    Rawr, Jenny! I’m hoping by chance that I’m selected as one of your lucky winners. If so, the book is going to one of my adoptive soldiers in Afghanistan! (well, after I read the one new chapter, or course) :)

    Regardless of who wins… thanks for the giveaway, and we all look forward to your next book, chica!

  464. So many comments I could leave…I wrote Bad Wolf in the dust in the stairwell of the building where my lab is. I don’t think anyone got the reference.

  465. How many vintage glass cow eyeballs *couldn’t* I use? I now have a really big backyard, thanks to having paid guys to come out and cart away 4 dumptrucks worth of brambles, and I think glass cow eyes would be just the thing to make a whimsical walkway and patio. Of course, other glass eyes in a range of sizes would be necessary to make an even surface. I dissected cow eyeballs in High school, and those things were huge, it’s be like trying to walk on baseballs without other eyes to fill in the gaps.

    rachel recently posted Gratitude.

  466. Oh my gosh, that is awesome!! I would love to win a copy – it would add some sunshine to my snowy grey May Day.
    Much love,

    B. in the Know recently posted Bold & Beautiful {The Brow}….

  467. Mary Kate and Ashley

  468. “The Number of Bodies I Can Fit Under My Bed”
    an essay by Dacia Hanson
    That is all.

  469. I once dreamt my sister’s cat had a body that was a Jimmy Dean rolled sausage (wrapped in the plastic label) with a normal cat head, legs, and tail. I referred to him thereafter as Jimmy Dean.

  470. 470

    I love the book and want to give a copy to everyone I know (even people I don’t like because it may make them a little more likeable) And the Dingo did it!

  471. I already have your book in print and ebook format, so I’d give your book away if I won.I’d give it to my 85 year old Grandma. Now she’ll finally understand why I laugh hysterically whenever the following topics are mentioned: towel shopping, metal chickens, taxidermy, and Wil Wheaton.

  472. long time lurker, happy to say I discovered you right after you brought Beyonce home. Then we got chickens, the live annoying kind (that i hate) and i named them all Beyonce to my hubby’s amusement. I have discovered my tribe too! Go Lawsbians!!! Woot

  473. Did you know that they make glass eyes for living animals as well as people? Also, they are now fitting glass eyes with the technology to “see” via connection to the nerves in the brain. Random facts of the day!

  474. 474
    Fang Ewe

    Is it bad that the British voice in my head belongs to Charlie McDonnell? I would.love to have oe of those glass eyeballs btw. But a book will do too.

  475. My library wouldn’t be complete without an autographed copy of your book

    jo recently posted May is for Me.

    I’d like an autographed copy, por favorrrrr.

  477. I heard that there’s going to be a Downton Abbey clothing line and immediately thought of you. Don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing, actually I’m pretty sure it’s an awesome thing! Can we have a Downton party? They’re even going to be selling furniture it’s like they’re begging us to have a party and who are we to disappoint?

    Carolina recently posted My parking brings all the guards to the yard.

  478. I can fit 4 bodies in the trunk of my car. Like cord wood, not even folded. Not that I’m bragging about it.

  479. 479
    Ross Mynhier

    Well, as to how many bodies will fit under my bed, it depends on how finely you chop then and how deep you dig the hole

  480. Enter me please :)

    Dave recently posted Wordless Wednesday.

  481. My favourite is the second on my right foot. Sometimes my right big toe doesn’t bend up so well and the rest of the toes are like “We’re what? Up? Is that up? I dunno! *What’s going on?!*” and the second one is all “We’re up guys! Let’s go! Up! Yeah, c’mon! – now push!” Seiously, if it wasn’t for my second right toe – the First Follower – I’d still be at the park.

    Also, is it ok that I’m from Australia? I never know if I should get the UK or US version of anything. Is it just the covers or did you have it translated?

  482. I am absolutely dreading learning the Doctor’s name. Nothing will be good enough. :( It will probably be something horribly disappointing, like Sam or David. Not to mention the fact that if they finally answer the question, where does that leave us?!

    On that note, *raises hand* PICK ME! Pick me!!

  483. 483
    Chelsea Johnson

    Do you have any taxidermy-ed penguins? Do they do that?

  484. I would love an English cow glass eye; in NZ we have the US version and the OCD Grammar freak (won’t say Nazi) struggles with the lack of u’s and the er/re thing :0). By the way, even if I don’t get my glass eye, you’re still my hero. My husband worries about me (and to be honest, a little about you), but it’s okay, I’ve explained to him that everybody needs a homicidal monkey in their life and he is only jealous because my dad didn’t throw a live bobcat at him …

  485. My wife used to work with a guy that had glass eyes. He used to take them out occasionally because he said they got uncomfortable. (Who’s to argue?) You could tell when he didn’t have them when he was in the can because there would be fresh pockmarks in the toilet seat when he was trying to drown his cigarette butts but missed. Once someone noticed he left his eyes in the bathroom counter (maybe he was washing and air-drying them) and you know you can’t just tell him to go back and *feel* around for them. You HAVE to collect and return them when that happens.

    James recently posted 1000 Moons.

  486. I was reading “The Joy of x” (which has nothing to do with sex but has to do with math unfortunately). Anyway, one of the chapters has to do with the variable e which can be used to calculate the optimal number of people to date before getting married. So I wonder if the optimal number of glass eyes to use in your lifetime has anything to do with e.

    Tom recently posted The Gods of Heavenly Punishment by Jennifer Cody Epstein.

  487. Not bodies under the bed as much as ex husbands buried in a trunk…ug, now who’s said to much…
    I’d love a copy of your insightful and occasionally useless yet very entertaining ramblings to occupy my per-sleepy time read while exploring Europe. Thanks and keep up the unusual yet great writing! Your an inspiration to us all….yikes but yes!

  488. 488
    Debbie Whitehead

    I don’t need a free copy of Lets Pretend… I have two already. One to loan out and one to keep in my library but I do have to share a cow eyeball related story.

    For some reason I had a box of cow teeth. They are big and gnarly looking. I also had a dentist with a slightly twisted humor combined with a genuine belief that I was a normal person….. During one visit I was very serious with the dentist and told him that he and his staff was so wonderful that I wanted to gift him with one of my baby teeth that I had saved since I was a tot. I gently took his hand in mine and, with a little squeeze, laid a big frigging cow tooth in his palm. Bricks were shat, whoops and hollers were heard, women fainted, children cried, dogs barked…. it was glorious.

  489. It’s snowing in Minnesota so I really should get a book. It would make the snowing suck less bad.

  490. I have to admit, I’m a latecomer to the tribe. I had heard about this blog before, but only recently found its utterly delightful content. Now I have plenty of archives to read and giggle at! :)

  491. Commenting because, duh, who WOULDN’T want a gigantic vintage glass eyeball. Wait – I mean, UK version of let’s pretend this never happened. ;)

    Heather recently posted The Art of Pleasing No One.

  492. The baby in stomach has a foot jammed underneath my rib cage..it’s awful.

  493. 493
    Amanda Donald

    I am most interested to see what becomes of the eyeballs. This may keep me up later. oh, pick me…

  494. 494

    We recently had someone leave the law department to go into HR. We made her read the HR chapters of your book before she left. I can report that she started practicing saying “is this your penis” with a straight face so she’d be ready for what awaits her on the other side. And the learning continues…

  495. I came home to a cat covered in mustard and three sheets of toilet paper stuck to his ass. My brain totally hurts right now, but may the best person win! xxxooo

  496. Like you, I’ve recently moved. Only difference is that I don’t have any posed taxidermized animals to decorate my new place…I would generously accept a donation from your collection. More likely, I hope I can win a copy of the book so that I have a placeholder whenever I am lucky enough to find a Juanita Weasel of my own to love.

  497. I don’t know how many bodies can fit under my bed. They keep crawling away.

    Dawnie recently posted 30 Day Drawing Challenge - Something orange.

  498. Your blog makes me pee my pants laughing….can’t wait to read the book!

  499. Well of course the answer is 42 (eyeballs and bodies). Also, key body parts are named: Lefty, Righty, Dr. Womb, Ood 1 – 10, and Sexy. You can guess which is where. Ood 7 is my favorite. I have read and love your book. I can’t wait to read the new chapter!

  500. If we are looking for a new/different car, my family will judge a car by how many bodies we could fit into the trunk! We will open the trunk and guess how many would fit; the more it could hold, the better! Our friend , who is our car salesman, just stands there shaking his head…LOL

  501. Is that the TARDIS I hear outside my bedroom window?

    aussieforgood recently posted And Today Is….

  502. Probably if you were to add up all the seconds I spent thinking about your book, I would have had time to read it several times. Weird, yeah?

  503. 503
    Irish Girl Taken

    So I happily discovered your book when it was recommended by my local librarian, which is not a coincidence b/c I worked at the library myself. Not as a librarian, but as a Human Resources Manager. It’s not a glamorous as it sounds, really. Anyway, b/c I have no time to read, I checked out the audio book. While listening to it, I laughed so hard I cried. That was dangerous b/c I was driving most of the time I was listening. So, while I love the book and tell everyone within earshot that they MUST read it, I don’t actually own a copy of it. I have re-checked it out from my library again. I can’t get enough. I’m not cheap, I just like to utilize services my tax dollars support. Ok..I’m a little cheap.

  504. I have my American copy but would love a British one to give to a friend!

  505. My youngest daughter, who is now 8, has a webbed toe on each foot. It is the 2nd and 3rd toe. It’s pretty cool to look at!

    Jennie A. recently posted God is Hilarious....

  506. I’m pretty sure I could fit at least 10 bodies under my bed but more if they were packaged properly.

  507. Would love to take time off from torturing my students to re-read the book. ESPECIALLY since I don’t have the paperback so I don’t have the extra chapter.
    My students thank you for anything that distracts me from thinking up more homework!

  508. my great uncle had a glass eye after he lost the real one in a wood-chopping accident. when he went to visit my dad’s family, he had the children convinced that the eye was magical. before they got home from school he would look under the couch and then when they were home he would take the glass eye out, roll it under the couch, and tell them everything that was under there. he would also leave it on the table when he left the room to make the kids behave.

    selina recently posted sisyphus.

  509. 509
    Arden Ratliff

    I plan on buying your book anyway but it would be cool to win it. Although you probably won’t pick me since I just said I would buy it. DAMMIT!

    My mom used to have a student with a glass eye. Whenever my mom would piss her off, she would take it out and put it on her desk. Not gonna lie. It kind of made me want a glass eye.

    Arden Ratliff recently posted Photo-A-Day Challenge: April 2013.

  510. 510
    Jennifer Hudson

    I am currently using my iPad as my coaster. A book would be nice.

  511. 511

    The more I read your log, the more I believe we’re kindred spirits.

  512. I’ll trade you…an autographed copy of the book for a box of eyeballs! ( don’t know where I’ll get the eyeballs from but who cares!)

  513. My roommate used to wonder how many bodies you could fit in the back of trucks we saw while we were driving.

  514. My boyfriend and I have lived together for 23 years. During that time we have had 26 cats grace our lives. At present we have 13 in the house. They are our precious angels, most of the time. All rescues, from groups, SPCA or our back yard. One came from the Texaco station.

  515. Favorite toe – pinky toe – it just seems like the most unloved of all toes.

    Pet name for body part – I have an iliostomy and so I called that Mr. Stoma, who also has it’s own blog (I don’t let him type however, because it make a mess on the keyboard)

    Glass eyeballs used – I am hoping for none. But I’ll say 3 in case I also need to replace my inner eye with a glass eye.

    Bodies able to fit under my bed – well, whole bodies don’t fit well under my bed but I could probably fit at least 3 dismembered ones.

  516. It is 85 degrees in my office today. I need a new book to distract from life.

  517. I’m an occupational therapist and once came in to find my patient’s prosthetic eye in backwards. You would think the nurse tech that helped her would have noticed. Not a cow eye but a “glass” eye, nonetheless.

  518. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!!! Pick ME! I have made it a personal quest to share your book with anyone who will listen to ME!!! I even woke my kids up in the middle of the night and quasi-edited the text so I could share your story! My husband started running away from after several efforts to make him “listen to this…” (He and Victor would TOTALLY be friends!). I totally love The Doctor and if I was The Doctor I would TOTALLY pick you to go with me! PLUS I know The Doctor’s real name…Not really, I am just a big liar on that one….any way love your book, love your humor, love the fact you had/have a Tardis in your back yard and sorry to hear about the chicken! So PICK ME so I can give away the copy I have now (I’ve already given 3 away BTW!).

  519. This sounds like a game. To play with non-Dr.Who-fans. How many glass eyeballs could you fit into the TARDIS? (a la how many jellybeans are in this glass jar game). Show them a picture of the TARDIS. Then when they say their answer (based of course on their guess of the outside dimentions of what they are seeing) be all like “NO! Don’t you even know how a TARDIS WORKS???” and give them a 3 hour lecture. And that is why I would never go to a party filled with Dr.Who fans, because moments like that would probably happen.

  520. Gimme!!!!!

  521. 521
    Nancy Smith

    I just sent a link to the original Beyonce post to a co-worker. Took her 45 minutes to read it; she had to keep stopping and breathing between laughter fits!

  522. 522
    Rachel Y.

    Okay, I’m gonna be a greedy bitch. I want to win it, please!

  523. Officially entered!

  524. 524
    Erika S.

    Random childhood memory: Finding pig skeletons in a field at the edge of town. I have no idea why they were there but we decided we *needed* the teeth and proceeded to pound them out of the skulls with rocks.

    Pfft…kids these days and their iPads…they have no idea how to have a good time.

  525. 525
    Jennifer Betancourt

    My favorite toe is the pinky toe. He’s always running back home which is where I would like to be. All the time. I hate leaving the house.

  526. I could always use another copy of your book, Jenny!

  527. My bed is called a coffin bed, because you can lift the springs and there is a compartment underneath. I could probably fit a good 8 to 10 people if I really wanted to.

  528. 528

    We’ve lost two cats and two dogs over the last five years. They were all cremated, but we never buried their ashes. Not wanting to display them, I put the boxes under the bed. So I technically have four bodies under my bed right now. (And room for more.)

  529. 529
    Stef Callihan

    Knock knock . . . I win!

  530. the only thing that has been tested in fitting under my bed is our pug puppy. he is growing though so i think one day he may get stuck and then i will have to exert myself to get him out. it sounds like and unpleasantly annoying inevitability.

    Tanya recently posted Real Post Coming Soon!.

  531. The best toe is the little piggy that had roast beef in that odd nursery rhyme.

    Picked up this book on a whim because I thought the cover had character. Was not disappointed.

  532. Dead bodies under my bed? Not very many as my cat is very likely to pull them out…. He’s a sell out that way. (But seriouly, my cat and I would totally love a copy…. He has a book fetish.)

  533. 534
    Rachel c

    I am so very sick with strep. And I am literally use all my energy to write this. Oh I hope hope hope I win.

  534. 535
    Jen Keltner

    I am thankful every day for you and your blog, Jenny! And for your book, which I have shared with numerous people. In fact, my copy is currently on loan to a friend…I need to get another copy!

  535. Comment #1042…….jackpot!

  536. 537

    When I bought my new car, my then 15 year old daughter said, “Trunk’s a 3 body-pretty good size” in front of the salesman. LOVE that child!

  537. The real question is, how many bodies can i stack on top of eachother and THEN put a mattress on. Because currently I can fit zero bodies underneath. But I’ve always wondered what would happen if I just stacked the bodies on top of eachother, and then put my mattress on top.

    Weekend project maybe?
    I’d love to win!!!

    Clare recently posted InstaKetchup.

  538. I don’t have a website so I’m using my work website. Does that count? I hope so I would really like your book so I can share it with my friends who are too cheap to buy their own but really need to read your book.

  539. Whenever my skin peels from sunburns, blisters or scabs I love to peel it off and look at it. It makes me want to invest in a microscope.

  540. 541
    Erika Deru

    This is one of the funniest books I have ever read (and I read a LOT) and is very high on my all-time favorite books list. I’ve recommended it to all my friends, as we all have dysfunctional traits. :) Your blog is always guaranteed to put a smile on my face (and then I read your transcribed conversations aloud to my husband when he’s brushing his teeth, to humorous effect). I find myself wanting a metal rooster, but haven’t quite gone the route of desiring taxidermied animals. Thank you so much for being such a bright light.

  541. wow, my body parts actually do have weird pet names!! All given to me by random friends of course :)
    My favorite one was that my butt was nicknamed Marvin in high school. Not sure why, but hey, don’t ask questions with these things… :)

  542. I like pie….chocolate with cool whip on top the best, and then hot apple pie with those crumbles on top with ice cream melting all over it….

  543. I used to have a mother in law with two glass eyes. (She’s not dead or anything, she’s just not my mother in law anymore.) She had to replace them every few years, which might help figure out that “number of eyes in a lifetime” question. Or maybe it has more to do with her tendency to pop them and hold them in the air when someone made a comment about “keep your eye out for” in her hearing.

  544. I have read the book on Kindle… But I’d love a hard copy! Which, let’s be real, I will eventually end up buying a copy anyway…

  545. I don’t really have a real comment and I own the book on my kindle and it was fantastic. But, I’m so excited I’m shouting it from the rooftops – I’m pregnant with a little boy and I’m due in September and then my family is going to be complete. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  546. My brother is a gay drag queen and told me to say that you have amazing presence among the queens in Seattle, and that you need to come here more often :)

  547. A free book would be great but GURL, ARE THOSE MARBLE COUNTERTOPS?!?!

  548. me me pick me!!!!!

  549. Because I never win anything.

  550. Please pick me – I’m English and I love this book. My blind grandfather had two glass eyes, he would take them out at night and leave them in a glass in the bathroom. Completely freaked out my Mom first time she found them!

  551. Yesterday I went with my best friend to have her cat put down. It was sad. I was sad. I moped around the rest of the afternoon.

  552. This has been on my to-read list (which is never ending and I keep adding to it).

  553. 1070 comments… I have no chance

  554. I thought I could fit seven bodies under my bed. But the last one apparently wasn’t dead.

  555. Count me in on this shiznit!

  556. Can I tell you about the names of my pets’ body parts? Actually, no, I can’t. They don’t have names. Yet. But I do have a cat who could use two glass eyes (cat-sized, not cow-sized, please). Then perhaps we could name her eyes :)

  557. Let’s see. I shall tell you how many bodies I have in my storage location. I think it’s up to about 6, a vampyress, and 1 apparition. Of course, they are all made out of PVC, masks, and old clothes.. stuffed with everything from newspaper to packing bubbles to foam. The apparition is a floating, dancing marrionette style alien ghost girl that occupies the large window our front door. The bodies (figures) get put in every available window in giant shadow boxes (or the like) every Halloween. The 7(ish) compliment our Monster in a box, graveyard, and backyard electrocution very well. Our house is a huge hit every Halloween… for the over 4 crowd anyway. :p

  558. One of the few signed books I own is a Neil Gaiman. Yours would make a great couple with it.

  559. I don’t hide bodies under the bed, but I do have a box of souls in my underwear drawer, skeletons in my closet, and the heart of a poet on my desk.

  560. I have to say Thank You to you. I have totally found my tribe and reading your blog has made me more comfortable in my own skin and for me to be…. well more me around others. You’re awesome!

  561. I would love to win a copy! I’m dying to read your book for about a year now, but it’s nowhere to be found in Belgium! So it would be great if you could send me a free copy :)!

  562. You know, reading this made be think that actually, I’d rather *like* a big box filled with vintage glass cow eyeballs. I could put them in my big glass jar on the windowsill & freak out passers by.

    I don’t think I could fit note than one body under the bed. Not without moving other stuff, and that seems like it would be suspiciously like … Housework.

    Marjorie recently posted These Pages Fall Like Ash.

  563. I wanna win! I have the digital copy and that is problematic to get signed. :-)

  564. Glass cow eyeballs reminds me of a conversation with my husband regarding 3D films. A certain percentage of the populations has binocular vision deficiencies, which makes it hard to watch 3D. You can make 2D glasses (for folks who want to see a movie with their 3D loving friends) but truly monocular people (with only 1 eye) can use the regular ones since they already only see with one eye.

    Meagan recently posted On recalls and common sense.

  565. I love you and would seriously say you were my old dear friend if I had an autographed copy of your book — just so I could pretend you were. I realize that that is more of a deterrent to selecting me as a winner, but wtf, I had to tell you.

    Sandi James recently posted Pull up a Chair, Soup's Ready!.

  566. Hey nice lady ! I’m British and a Dr Who plus…I keep telling everyone how darn funny your book is.

  567. Me, please!

  568. I used to be an administrative assistant for a gravestone monument company. In my off time between filing, answering the phone and keeping the small office clean, I cremated bodies that came in from the area funeral homes, sometimes two a day. After that job, not much else has really phased me.

    And that’s my random comment. :-)

  569. I saw you speak in Austin Texas Book Fair!!!!

  570. 571
    Alanna Lunden

    COMMENT! :)

  571. Loved the book on audible, would love a hard copy!

  572. Love the Book! Love your blog…co-workers would think I had completely lost my mind when I’d break out laughing all alone in my office while reading.

  573. Just found out I have a toe fungus…does that count? I would love to read your book during the next 90 days that it apparently takes to heal one of these situations.

  574. 575
    Leslie Ross

    Nothing interesting to say except that I’m desperately avoiding work right now. So pick me so I can procrastinate further!

  575. Please oh please. I bought a copy for my sister, but I’d like one too

  576. A joke for you:

    Me: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    You: I don’t know, how many?
    Me: Let’s go ride bikes!

  577. My book shelf could always use another amazing book! I just ordered 4 from amazon. All Egyptian themed. I love books!

  578. They found out today that the Jamestown colonists were cannibals. Isn’t that fascinating? Not as fascinating as a jar of glass cow eyeballs, because of the glittering and glassiness and stuff, but it’s still pretty freaking fascinating.

    Also – this weekend is Free Comic Book Day. Just thought you should know, in case you didn’t already. Hope you have a great day. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed that I win. :D

  579. 580
    Chris W.

    I am reading your blog instead of pulling weeds because THE BEES WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE. I started out looking for bee repellant and eventually headed over here because I love you and you are way nicer than bees.

    (I am your BFF from Seattle who asked you to do a reading in the Costco parking lot. Just for that I think I should get a copy. :) Or actually, since you already have a pic of my back on your blog, I guess we’re even . . . but I’d still like a book.)

  580. I suggested your book for my book club’s October selection, so thus, I must win. Thank you.

  581. I’ve never used a glass cow eye in my life, but I am sure if I had a box of them, I could think of awesome things to do with them. It would probably be a lot like when I was in college and made a valance for my dorm room with the severed heads of Farrah Fawcett dolls. And by the way, thank you for everything you write, which makes me feel a little more comfortable being a misfit every day.

  582. I really have nothing to say except you should pick me cause Im awesome!

  583. 584
    Jennifer S.

    One time, when I bought a ham steak it’s packaging blew up like a balloon within days after purchase. To determine if said meat product was still eatable, I thought I should open it up (just a tiny bit) and take a smell. When I opened it up, meat juice blased out explosively into my eye. I spent the rest of the week worried I would get some sort of meat related illness. Can I have a signed copy of the book?! I need to know what happens in the new chapter!!!!

  584. 585
    Aynsley B

    Poutine is the best food ever.

    Free books are also fantastic.

  585. I need a good laugh, book please!

  586. 587
    Jason Kivela

    Not sure how many glass eyeballs I’d use, but I had a science teacher that had one in high school and I think he was a one glass eyeball man. Kinda boring really.


  587. SO. i worked at an animal clinic once where we removed the eye of a dog. to make this not a sad story i should say the dog recovered well and went on to live a perfectly happy one-eyed life. if we’d HAD a box of vintage glass cow eyes, perhaps we could have worked something out for him so the other little dogs wouldn’t tease him, but really he seemed very comfortable in his own fur, and never seemed bothered by his new cycloptic nature, so i’m not sure a vintage/new/cow/any other animal glass eye would have mattered much to him. we could all stand to learn a little something from that dog.

    I digress.

    my mother also worked at this animal clinic. she enjoyed playing pranks on me, and i decided to get her back one day….
    by placing that eyeball into the container of cottage cheese she brought for a snack that day. she was so mad. but seriously? cottage cheese is gross, so really i was doing her a favor.
    the end.
    i heart UK and heart you, bloggess… so a fancy UK version of your book would be lovely.

  588. When I was in 7th grade I typed up a fake letter from a psychiatrist that said i had spent time in a mental institution, just so the kids on my bus would stop tormenting me. My mom even signed it for me to make it more “authentic”. Thanks for making me feel like a part of something.

  589. 590
    Corey H.

    Me me! Pick me! Because I just graduated with my Masters degree and this would help me celebrate!

  590. I love your blog! Unfortunately, I haven’t had a chance to read your book yet. :( But it would be awesome to have a signed copy of your book. (It would be first for me to have a signed book if I won, lol)

  591. Being British made it MUCH easier to read that in a British accent. Although, living in the South I can also think it in Southern – I’m talented like that. I’m thinking of putting it on my resume.

  592. Woman! Please! … Choose me!

    Kerry recently posted This week… one year ago….

  593. I would love to win a copy! Please and thank you!

  594. Ooh, ooh, pick me! I’m so curious to see if I’m in the chapter, and yet so certain that it’ll turn out I’m not!

    Tragic Sandwich recently posted An Interesting Monster Needs an Interesting Hairdo.

  595. Pick me! Pick me! I actually have time to read now!

  596. I’m pretty sure I could find a use for a whole box of glass eyeballs….paper weights, vase fillers, kids toys, mounted on a ring, necklace pendant, replacing the eyes on a old teddy bear and placing it in the porch to welcome visitors, a gift for the mother in law, creating an eyeball canvas the list is endless!!

  597. Holy crap that’s a lot of comments!

  598. 600
    Julanne Lorimor

    I just LOVE your book- have purchased 5 to give to some of my best friends as gifts. As for glass cow eyes- this reminds me of a story. I spent many summers in Colorado where my father lived. My father worked for the forest service during the summer moving cattle around the mountains so that they could keep the grasses down. Anyway, one summer there was a mamma cow that had 2 babies- we named them Jack and Jill. She did not have enough milk so Jack was not thriving and my father and grandmother took him in. We fed him around the clock- just like a little baby only the bottle was 10 times larger! We walked him, slept with him and loved him so very much. Every summer for the next 2 years he was our pet. We could even ride him. However on the third summer, my father picked my sister and I up from the airport and we went straight home to dinner. The entree of the evening was hamburgers. As I was taking my first bite and chewing the delicious burger, I casually asked “how was Jack and did he think we could still ride him”. Well my father- who has no tact what so ever- says “oh Jack, well you are eating him”. I immediately barfed all over the table. I spent the rest of the summer suddenly a vegetarian!

  599. I’m sorry I missed your Kansas city appearance. I had tickets ready to go, but we both went down with sinus problems that day.

  600. As a self appointed executive honorary member of Unicorn Success Club, I would love your delicious tribute of book to my semievil regime! Onwards! To adventure!-

  601. Vintage glass cow eyeballs? I’m thinking for taxidermy? I can’t think that the other cows would give a monocular cow ( a one eyed cow) the stink eye for not having two. I’m a people eye doc not a veteranarian ophthalmologist. Yes there are doggie & kitty ophthalmologists. I would love to have a copy of your book, I just have the audio one so I’m missing a plethora of taxidermy pics! Would love to see some of your animal chimeras. Thanks– ps real cow eyes are really cool to dissect for school kids????

  602. In the UK version do they edit out Texas locations and go with places like Titty Ho, Swan Bottom, and Old Wives Lees?

  603. Fave toe: My crooked pinky toe!

  604. I once stole a jar of cow eyeballs from my science teacher. I hid them in an air vent in my school.

  605. I love me some glass eyeballs. :-)

  606. also, I need to be in a tribe… after that regrettable tattoo from the 90’s.

    Bernadette recently posted DIY Doctor Who Shoes (11th doctor).

  607. Oh, me! Me! Please pick me!

  608. It is May 1 and it is snowing outside. Everyone I know says that they are feeling “stabby” except for my cats, who are just feeling unusually sleepy. Instead of working, I am reading your blog, not because I am feeling stabby but because I am hoping I might get covered in some awesomesauce. If I were to win, that would be amazeballs and it would make up for the snow-in-May thing.

    HeatherWhoLovesTheBloggess recently posted Allergy Season Arrives.

  609. 611
    Erin Hampton

    I LOVE your book. So does my husband. He finally read it after hearing me laughing while I was reading it. You are awesomely funny!

  610. Only if Beyonce comes with it… and the glass eyeballs!

  611. I’m going to the UK next week so the UK version would be perfect. Also I love your book. And I only have the kindle version and the real book would be so so much better.

  612. What makes it British? Did you rewrite it with an accent?

  613. 615
    Margo Hixson

    Save me from the unending stream of 9th grade homework that is my life. I need a grown up book!

  614. 616
    Becki Murphy Wilson

    After careful calculation and putting some deep thought into this, I’m fairly certain that the number of glass eyeballs a person uses in a lifetime is directly proportionate to the number of times Victor asks you in a year “What are you thinking?” shakes his head in bewilderment and walks away. :-)

  615. 617
    Dawn Marie Black

    You have a bit more than a tribe here. I can’t fit under my own bed, so I haven’t counted. I’m pretty sure I could fit four skinny people, if they are shorter than 6ft. About glass cows eyes, I’ve never had a need until now. I’m getting ready for an art show and watching Dr Who, and now I want glass cows eyes. Something must be done.

  616. My favorite toes are the two small ones on my left foot. They have been broken numerous times doing stupid shit I shouldn’t have been doing, and one was almost torn off at one point. I’ve named them “Bad Ass” and “Super Ninja”. Because most of the injuries were from me being a bad-ass while acting like a ninja.

  617. I like how the title looks like it is growing tentacles that will strangle you in your sleep. And your spouse would totally be blamed because who would suspect a book.

  618. I have your US hard copy and the Audiobook!!! I prefer the Audiobook… It makes me LOL in my cubicle at work and I think me coworkers are getting suspicious…

  619. You can’t possibly expect me to choose a favorite toe! And even if I could, there’s no chance I’d be naming it here for all to see and giving the other 9 toes an inferiority complex. NO SHOT.

  620. 622

    Judging from the amount of comments you’ve already received, I say my odds of winning are pretty slim. Just the same, I NEED this book! And will have it one way or another soon (My Pretty, BWA HA ha Haaa)!

  621. Now would the winner also get a bookmark that has a photo of Will Wheaton collating paper?

  622. I’d love a copy of the UK version! and I’d love to have a hard copy of the book vs. just the e-book I currently have. It’s definitely shelf-worthy!

  623. 625
    Brenda B-K

    I figure this might be like winning the lottery – I don´t have a hope in hell. But here goes anyway. The new cover is interesting but I really miss the mouse. The blue and yellow are a nice color scheme but do the letters have flyaway hair? Do you really read all the comments or are they placed in a fishbowl and you pick a name? Does Victor get to pick ? By the way, I think you need to do a follow up on the iron cock? Is the leg repaired? I have sent you several rooster pictures. The last one was in front of a Mexican Restaurant called El Beso(The Kiss) – this does not make sense to me but the food is very good. Well, take care; I hope you are enjoying your new home.

  624. 626
    Pam Rudder

    Okay so here is my glass eyeball story!!! True…True. I’m 55 this year and when I was in high school we still enjoyed movies in black and white. On Saturday night, it was always “Fright Night” on TV and I was spending the night with a friend. We were watching Fright Night…especially eerie in black and white (miss that so) and it was at the climactic moment when you scream…don’t do it. Something popped into my lap and I’m screaming as hard as I can because it is an eyeball!!!! True Story…once again, I cannot state this enough. My friend’s father had a glass eye….he thought it would be funny to throw it into my lap. Of course, I peed my pants right there in their living room. Ahhhhh the memories!!! I would love to win your book….I think you are amazing!!!

  625. Hmmm…I think it would really depend on they variety of glass eyes and how often the owner changes out her glass eye. If the glass ones are all the same style, then there wouldn’t be a need for more than just one. If they are in assorted fun and different styles and colors then more would be required. You could have a different glass eye for every outfit.

    I put way too much thought into that question. I think you are rubbing off on me. Maybe even in a good way.

    Ama recently posted Focus on Art: Abstract.

  626. Pick me! Pick me!

  627. After the latest art project from my daughter, I personally believe that glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. Once you are exposed to it, you can never get rid of it.

  628. I’m assuming that these will be shipping to the UK? I’ve read and reread my kindle copy so many times that its virtual pages are starting to tear and fall out, which is extremely awkward on the tube I can tell you. But I’d love to get an autographed copy for my mother in law, so that she too can know the joy of Snausages.

  629. Sign me up for my chance to win! I shall make my acceptance speech in a British accent. And use words like shall instead of will (see I’m practicing already) to sound pretentious. (Seriously shall? Who needs that?)

  630. I work at an ICU and I got to watch eyes be harvested for organ donation. So totally cool and creepy at the same time!

    I should add that the patient had passed away right? We don’t harvest eyes when people are still alive. Usually.

  631. Oooh fun! My bed is too low for bodies – aside from dust mites, I suppose.

    Trying to win this for my girl friend who is in the hospital in labor today! (baby girl!) She has a ‘beyonce’ and everything in her kitchen. She’d love this, thanks for the opp!

  632. Seven or maybe eleven.

    Lovelyn recently posted It’s a Special Day.

  633. Pick me! My boyfriend loved your book (which sat by his bed for months before he read the first chapter and texted me that he was dying of laughter), and will never admit to reading your website, but a) he graduates from vet school this weekend (!!!); b) he collects skulls, and c) he wants me to knit a sweater for the very real dog skeleton he assembled. BASICALLY he’s totally your kind of person!

  634. Actually, I think you could use more than just a dozen glass eyeballs. I envision something out of Home Alone, with eyeballs littering the floor for some unsuspecting criminal – except way creepier, because the eyeballs would be watching you the whole time.

  635. I love your posts; they make me laugh. I also love Copernicus the Homicidal Monkey. You have cheered up so many days for me. Thanks.

  636. My cat has a thing for licking my chin. I think she wants me to lick her chin back but it is not happening because we don’t have that kind of relationship.

  637. 639
    Dee McGraw

    My favorite toe is the one that stayed home.

  638. I love you. That is all.

  639. 1315 comments ALREADY??? JEEEEEEEEEZ, I don’t have a bloomin’ chance in hell.

    And my favorite toe is ALL of them, because did you know you really need each and every toe for proper balance for walking? One missing toe throws the entire operation out of whack.

    Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense recently posted The Nothingness that Almost Ate Me Once.

  640. Descriptors for my heavy cat: portly, Rubenesque, full-figured, Lane Bryant, Cleo-Fatra, Charles Barkley. The more she grows, the more names she gets. Oh, and I love you.

  641. Hey Nice Lady !! I’m British (although I don’t have posh Downtown Abbey accent) and a DR WHO fan….plus, I keep telling people how darn funny your book is.
    A thousand thank yous from across the pond!!
    PS when are you visiting the UK?
    PPS Its not really a pond ,its more like an ocean.

  642. 644
    Rich Sanidad

    So, how does something like deer-antler spray become a nutritional supplement anyway? I can’t imagine that someone actually looked at a deer’s antlers and said to himself, “You know what? I’m going to cut those dangerous pointy things off of that deer’s head, grind it into a powder, mix it with water and then see how it tastes. I think it might help me with this lingering pain in my knees.” I’m guessing what really happened was closer to something like some poor kid looking up at their dad and saying, “What do you mean we have to eat EVERY part of the deer?” I’m tempted to buy some to see if the side-effects include staring blankly at bright lights, but I just can’t justify the cost when there’s nothing wrong with me that it might actually fix. Which is a shame, because becoming part-deer would be a great excuse to pee on a deer hunter.

    Thanks for reading. Hope I get picked for a free copy of the book. :)

  643. Would love to win a copy! (Purchased one for a friend, and then actually restrained myself for once and didn’t read it before giving it to her.)

    In other news, why are when people are bad at their jobs does it have to affect me?

  644. I was living in NZ for a few years and noticed that most of the books had different covers than their US versions. And most of them had people on them. I’m wondering if there have been studies about how different populations are shown to purchase more books with certain covers, or if it’s a case of “I dunno, we’ve always done it that way.” I do like the UK cover of your book, however. I hope it does well there regardless.

  645. I taught a kid once who, when upset, would take out his glass eye and throw it. Fun times.

  646. 648

    A friend showed me a picture of some mummified squirrels he encountered while doing some electrical work. I immediately thought, “Jenny would like this.” How creepy is that to have complete strangers say something like that?
    But really, I’m pretty sure you would have liked it.

  647. I refer to my boobs as Krakens. That way, when I take my bra off at night, I can shout, “Relese the Krakens!” and I feel instantly better.

  648. I would love a copy, mostly because I don’t have one yet, mostly due to my extreme lack of self-centered consumerism. Help a girl out?

  649. I already have your book, but I want to know why the UK needs a different edition. Does the picture of the mouse confuse and alarm them? Are they repulsed by elegant white font and attracted to twine-y looking yellow fonts? More likely to pick up a book if they can see a kooky American with hair in rollers?

  650. I would love a free copy! Also – I am acquiring a full taxidermied fox in the near future, what are your thoughts on attaching a top hat and mustache?

    Amber recently posted FOOD-TASTIC FRIDAYS!!1.

  651. I think I can fit 15 bodies under my bed, with appropriate Tetris maneuvering.

  652. No room for bodies under our bed. That area is too busy hiding shoes, legos, and likely all the socks we’re missing.

    Barbara recently posted Kaeng Raeng 3 Day Detox For Beginners Review.

  653. A friend and I once postulated how many tiny glass bottles you would need to fit an entire body…it all depends on the size of the bottle and the body.

    Rinda recently posted Dramatic Chipmunk.

  654. 656
    Jessica H

    I could use about 5 vintage glass cow eyeballs right now. I would put one in a potted plant so when my hubby waters them he freaks out. I would mail one each to my mother and my sister, because the fruit does not fall far from the tree. Then one goes to my daughter. Under her pillow, so that when she comes home from her semester abroad, she gets a nice surprise. I keep the last one in my purse, so that when I’m in the grocery store and pull things out of my purse to find a coupon or something, I pull out the eyeball and say, “huh, so that’s where that went.”

  655. Giant metal chickens have become so passe, it’s unfortunate. You and Beyonce started a trend.
    We live in BFE and there are 2 places within 10 minutes of us that sell at least 3 sizes of giant metal chickens. Oh, and a place that sells giant stone chickens. And life-size stone giraffes and elephants and horses and things. Maybe Beyonce needs a friend to lean on in her one-legged state.

  656. I can’t fit any bodies under my bed unless I chop them up into pieces that fit in the drawers. Also, my favorite toe is the one after the big toe because when I scrunch my toes it doesn’t bend well and looks like I’m flipping myself off.

  657. Comment :P

    Tonya recently posted Best Seat in the Yard.

  658. I can’t fit any bodies under my bed. It’s very low to the ground. I have to put stuff in those vacuum seal bags and suck out more air than seems possible and then wedge them under there, and then they inevitably stop being vacuum sealed and expand and all my stuff is stuck because it’s too big to pull back out. But if I had the new chapter of your book in the UK version (because I just have the American hardcover version that I pre-ordered way back when), I could read it out loud to myself in a (terrible) British accent and forget all about my blankets and sweaters trapped for eternity under my stupid low bed because of broken vacuum bags.

  659. Because I’m commenter #1316 – late to the party as usual. And because when my daughter heard a snippet of your book while I was listening to it in the car, she asked me if I wrote it. I told her yes. I should probably come clean.

  660. My mom kept my great grandmother’s glass eyeball as a memento after my great grandmother died. It lives in her hutch with the tea set.

  661. 663
    Kathleen W

    Speaking of glass eyeballs – my son’s college roommate lost an eye to cancer when he was a baby. He has had a series of glass eyeballs because you need new ones as you grow (who knew?) He keeps the old ones in a jar in his room. When out drinking (college student), he will pop out his current eyeball to amuse and entertain drunk companions.

    Oh, and he looks a little like a panda bear.

  662. 664

    I have nothing witty to say, but I really want an autographed copy of your book, and the UK version? How…lovely. And exotic. Yep. Exotic. Does it have extra “u”s in it?

  663. 665
    Megan M.

    Every time I see Nathan Fillion I imagine he’s holding a ball of twine. Just as a silent F-U to him for not being cool enough to do it himself.

  664. I bought my original copy for my kindle. I’m dying to read the new chapter though. I’m not very creative with the funny comments so I guess I’ll leave you with …. Titty Sprinkles!!! You’re welcome! :)

  665. I can fit 14 bodies under my King-sized bed (which is quite high) if I stack them properly and 8 of them are children. OR 23 adult bodies if it’s just the skin.

    I really want an autographed book, pretty please?

    Tara Robinson recently posted Royal Weddings Need More Meth....

  666. I ripped open my package from Amazon last spring & immediately started reading the hard cover on my mom’s deck. My mom finally popped her head out after 45 minutes or so to ask me what in the heck was I laughing so much about. I ordered the soft cover as soon as it came out and giggled/guffawed just as much when I re-read it. I would love to win an autographed copy of the UK version. You make so many of my days better.

  667. I love this tribe. It’s a rare blog that you can enjoy the comments as much as the posts!! Would love to win a copy of the British version of your book. I’d just started reading it before bed again and had to stop when I realized it was making my cry-laugh and wasn’t really pre-sleeping material since it was keeping me awake… and also confusing the hubby who would keep shouting from the bathroom to ask if I was ok… I call my breasts Boob and Boob Also. Yea, not really sure why either…

  668. I can easily fit 4 adult bodies under my bed…. I am pretty sure we could triple that in smaller humans… Not that we have done that, of course.

  669. “It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly more room for wine.”
    I don’t know who said this, and really, who cares? It’s still brilliant.

  670. 672
    Janine Taylor

    I had to dissect a fish in high school, but I poked out his eyes and then swung him around on my pencil by his socket.

  671. Pick me! Pick me! I love your book!

  672. My 13yo has ADD, SPD, Anxiety Disorder, and 2 sleep disorders, so we totally get you. Also, I have to thank you for the way you usually treat all your quirks with humor. It’s a fabulous idea. We tried it, and it usually works really well to help my kid level herself out. And we have a metal donkey with a spring neck. His name is Clive, and he is awesome. Our garden gnome has a hand grenade and an automatic weapon. Normal is overrated. And boring.

  673. Took the dog out at 4:30 this morning to see one of my cats walking across the deck with a still live rabbit, the dog took it away from him and proceeded to eat it. The cats got mad and took it away from the dog, pulled it up the Japanese maple and proceeded to eat it. I have a dead bunny carcass in my tree before my first cup of coffee. I’d love some glass eyeballs.

  674. My favorite toes are my nephews. They are ridiculously odd and lovely at the same time.

  675. My daughter had a zombie apocalypse nightmare the other day. She said she was running from the zombies with her best friend who was crying because she was afraid they’d die. My daughter says “We can’t die, we’re the main characters.” :)

  676. Winning is not winning unless you win. It’s just that simple.

    But, if you can’t see eye to eye with a live cow, a glass eye is just as good.

  677. Yes. I do want to win one. Please.

  678. So if you wear your wrangler cowgirl blouse with double beast pockets and pearl snap buttons through the airport scanner, TSA will have to pat your breasts down . . . This should be in RED on the washing instructions tag don’t you think??

  679. I think a “normal” person would only use one or two glass eyeballs in their lifetime; but an INTERESTING person could easily go through an entire box. ;-)

  680. 682
    Lissie Ham

    Hmmm. Not sure how many eyeballs I could use. No bodies fit under my bed since we have the box spring on the floor. I bet I could fit a couple inside the box spring if I cut the fabric.

  681. Ooh! Ooh! Pick Me! I would LOVE an autographed copy! (and I know of a few people who would love the original hardback copy I purchased.. Share the love!)

  682. I love Mandy’s comment about naming her boobs the Krakens and I just wanted to get a comment in so I could get in on the autographed copy of the book. I’m sure it will be worth like 50 cents in 100 years. :-)

  683. I would give anything for a vintage glass cow eyeball! Or, rather, I would _say_ anything to get a vintage glass cow eyeball. “Anything”

  684. Glass eyeballs might be my favorite idea for one of those giant Pottery Barn vases….

    Jess Orso recently posted Behold the Cinema Con Trailer for THE WOLVERINE.

  685. 687
    Carl Strauser

    I have three copies of the book – Kindle, autographed hardback and a regular hardback. Shut up. This is not nearly as weird as my Horrific Rabbit Collection. And by “horrific” I mean adorably satanic. So, yeah.

  686. PLEASE Pick me. Will stuff a puppy for it. (With treats, not sawdust you sicko)

    Eric Reber recently posted Balefire is opening for the art show of Kerri Hirsch and Jon Skoglund.

  687. 689
    Stacey Kuhr

    an auto’d book would go nicely with my little desk top Beyonce photo sculpture… just sayin ;)

    Oh and I can think of quite a few things to do with glass cow eyeballs but then a lil over 30 years ago while my sister was sick we did scientific experiments on her Weeble collection to see if we could make them “fall down”.

  688. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for your lovely blog. While I may be telling you only now as a way of kissing up in hopes of winning the book, it is a also a totally heartfelt sentiment.

  689. Glass eyeballs? At least two.

  690. My grandpa had a glass eye because his was poked out by a ski when he was younger. He had several and only the brave grandkids would pick them up.

  691. I have a cat named Fido…

  692. I found a glass eyeball in the attic once when I was a kid. No one knew whose it was – the house was built by my grandparents and no one in the family knew of any one with a glass eye. It was super creepy. I’d much rather have a copy of your book. Pretty please!

    JennyOH recently posted Geometric Print Dress Vintage 1970s Plus Size by StrangerBirdVintage.

  693. I WANT ONE. Please :)

    One of the best days of my (blog lovin) life was when Sherry Petersik (Young House Love) shared Beyonce’s story. I (thankfully) was one who read about your Beyonce adventure, and all I can say is “Knock Knock MotherFucker — I’m home!” Oh, and I frickin love you and your blog!

  694. I NEED an autographed copy. I gave my (un-autographed) copy to a friend who struggles with depression and was having a really bad week. She has since told me several times that It is the best book ever! It is great to see her smiling!!! Besides the laughter, it helps to know you are not alone. You are saving lives!! Oh and if you could throwing a vintage glass cow eyeball it would be the BEST thing I have ever gotten in the mail!!!

  695. Please send me your book. I am too cheap to buy it.

  696. I’m thrilled that the book is doing so well for you, Jenny.

    I’m grateful that once upon a time reading Wil Wheaton’s blog brought me here thanks to the power of collating paper.

    I hope my cats don’t get any ideas from yours, though.

  697. My 3 1/2 year old son is obsessed with snails. When my mom (whom he calls Wowie, no one knows why) watches him, he can easily spend hours in her yard looking for, collecting, arranging, watching, herding snails. Today Wowie sent him home with an old sour cream container of 10 snails. I think someone is trying to get fired from their babysitting gig.

    On the way home, my son accidentally crushed one (this happens pretty often when you are snail herder) and then proceeded to throw the body parts out of the (moving) car window. Then he dropped two of them on the floor and I had to pull over to retrieve them as he shrieked out of concern for their well-being. And then he fell asleep and dropped the (open) container of snails on the floor and I had to pull over (again) to get it and shut it before the snails creeped out. As I was moving my son from the car to his bed, his little eyes popped open and he asked WHERE ARE MY SNAILS? with the kind of gravity and urgency that only a fully asleep child can exhibit.

    And that there is my comment.

  698. I just went to the dentist for the third day in a row, because the temporary crown they installed Monday, and then reglued Tuesday, split in half during lunch on Wednesday.

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