Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Unless you win. Then it totally happened.

Today I got a box filled with vintage glass cow eyeballs.  Except replace “vintage glass cow eyeballs” with “new copies of the UK version of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened“.

They’re very similar in that they are both fairly baffling and people can’t help but pick them up and wonder at them.  And also, you don’t actually need a whole box of them.  At most you can only use a dozen glass cow eyeballs and then the rest just go to waste.  Ditto with a giant box of books.  That’s why I’m giving away several here this week (autographed books, not eyeballs).  All you have to do is leave a comment and you’re entered to win.

This copy includes the new chapter, which you might possibly be in. Please don't sue me.

What should you comment about?  Anything.  Your favorite toe.  The pet names of your body parts.  How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime.  The number of bodies you can fit under your bed.  It’s totally up to you.

Also, for some strange reason this bewildering memoir is still on the Indie Bestseller lists and the NYT bestseller list and I’m still getting emails from people who had never even heard of this blog but who stumbled over the book and are so thankful that they’ve finally found their tribe.  Thank you for being that tribe.  And thank you for letting me be a part of it.

4,082 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Since I didn’t get to see you when you were in Dayton, so therefore couldn’t get an autographed copy for my cousin, I would dearly love it if I could win a copy now, as a consolation prize.

    Like

  2. I’d love to win a copy!

    Comment on anything…hmmm…I’ve always wondered how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And I always think of a recent commercial that has some guy yelling out his door “Hey woodchuck, stop chuckin my wood!”

    And I don’t know why that popped in my head…but it did.

    THanks for the chance!

    Like

    Chrissy recently posted Blog Tour: Game. Set. Match. by Jennifer Iacopelli (review, giveaway).

  3. Oooohhh. Pick me! Pick me! I really want the extra chapter that didn’t come with my first copy!!

    Like

  4. 2004
    purplepenguin

    When I was a kid, we would vacation in the inland lakes region of Maine. Think not a lot of streetlights, and pre video, pre internet, pre cell phone days. My mother made up a thinking type game for us to play while on the long drive up (or on long day trips while there). It was “Find the best place to dump a body from the car.” It wasn’t that easy, you had to find a place that was not too visible, preferably has a ditch (again to hide the body) and not well traveled. I can just imagine what someone else would think if they heard us. LOL

    Like

  5. And since I thought of that, I looked it up and found the answer: “A woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could if a woodchuck could chuck wood.”

    Like

    Chrissy recently posted Blog Tour: Game. Set. Match. by Jennifer Iacopelli (review, giveaway).

  6. I introduced my sister to you recently by posting your story about Doctor Who (she’s a new Whovian) and then told her to look up “Beyonce the Chicken” and posts on taxidermy. I don’t think she ash done any work all week. Way to stimulate the economy. I’d love to share the book with her and contribute even less. Love, another Jen(ny).

    Like

    Tasty Mayhem recently posted My Sweet Southern Santa.

  7. I HAVE R.A.! Not the roaming-traveling guess-which-body-part-I’ll-fuck-up-next kind of R.A. but you know – the regular giant-fingers, lots of vomiting with the meds kind. It’s a blast! And someone recommended your book because A) it’s hilar and B) you have arthritis too. It’s like we’re the same person. Except one of us has a best selling vintage glass cow eyeball.

    Like

  8. 2008
    Rebeccah

    My cat just bit my elbow and then skulked off to eat kibble reluctantly. What, you got confused??? Elbows are not delicious and tasty?? Her body would totally fit under my bed.

    Like

  9. Yay! I collect glass cow eyeballs. Really! Meaning: your book.

    Like

    Kathleen recently posted Never Never Land.

  10. Loved the book – fav one of book club!

    Like

  11. If I think you’re perfectly normal, what the fuck does that say about me??? May I win?? Please? Your book and blog are even more awesome than frenching unicorns while juggling vintage glass cow eyeballs.

    Like

  12. It took forever to get to the bottom of this page. If you did have some of those cow eyeballs you have all sorts of fans in your tribe that would love them. :) Because everyone should share their eyeballs.

    Like

  13. I’d love one!
    It’s my cat’s 15th birthday today, so I’m sure he’d like to play with the glass eyes – or your book. You know how cats like to absorb knowledge by osmosis. Also known as insisting on being where the attention is. And my attention would be on your book. So I need your book so that my cat can demand my attention. More. Or something.

    Like

  14. Reading your blog always cheers me up, even when the cymbalta isn’t working

    Like

  15. Do vintage glass cow eyes come in green? Cause I’ve already got a box of brown ones. Loved the book and would love to own a copy of it. Our library keeps asking for theirs back.

    Like

  16. I made a comment earlier about my cat eating the strawberry plants and wanting to turn her into compost to feed the plants if I catch her at it again, but then worrying if that would make the strawberries unhealthy because I don’t call her Butter Butt for no reason. But it seems to have disappeared. I can’t find it. Butter Butt and me are very sad, although the cat probably actually not that sad because I think she kind of likes me being miserable. Cats are dicks like that. So I think I should get a book, O Benevolent One, since my first comment disappeared and I am oh so distraught. Also, I have GAD and depression and the beginnings of OCD so all that anxiety stuff and trolling suicide boards and not ever ever ever ever wanting to get out of bed and look in the mirror at the shadow of yourself again is very familiar to me.

    Like

    Emily recently posted I am not Superwoman.....

  17. I blame you for getting me thinking about (and commenting on) bodies…or credit you…I can’t decide if thinking about bodies is a good or a bad thing.
    Anyway, your body-comment-suggestion reminded me of a conversation I had at a car dealership. I was looking at the new Tesla (electric car) recently and found out that it has two trunks, one in front and one in back and both are _huge_. I was so impressed that the first thing I said to the sales lady was “you could fit like five bodies in there”. You could tell she was a super good salesperson because she covered the shock really well before answering “You’d be surprised how many people comment on that. The car is quite roomy.” I guess extra storage space for bodies is just one of the benefits for not having an engine.

    NB. Not many bodies would fit under my bed…even the cat has trouble getting under there. Unless I had wood chipper…then more bodies would fit under the bed, but I think they would be harder to keep under there without some sort of containment device.

    Please note all speculation about bodies and wood chippers is just that. I have not major industrial lumber equipment (or bodies). :)

    Like

    Laura recently posted The Guilts Have Hit Hard.

  18. 2018
    Jessica Evans

    I go to your blog for a good life and to feel a lot better about myself. Thanks for making the rest of us look good.
    Love & keep it coming.

    Like

  19. That autographed book and I are meant to be.

    When I found your blog the first thing I read was Beyonce’s tale. I knew immediately that I had found our people and shared the link with my daughter who is out of state. She is now the proud owner of your book and a mini-Beyonce. I have located a full sized rooster and have nearly convinced my husband that she must have it because it would make her smile and would be the best.Christmas.present.ever. Other than a babysloth. Or a box of glass cow eyeballs. Or an autographed copy of your book with the phrase “knock, knock motherfucker” in it.

    Also, one of my son’s best friends is a taxidermist whose medium is roadkill. A producer is trying to create a reality show about him and my son and his fiancee would likely be part of the show. The footage they have shot so far includes that of my son riding a motorcycle with a dead hog on the back. I shit you not.

    Thanks for the regular dose of absurdity and laughs. We’re so happy to have found your tribe!

    Like

  20. 2021
    Debbyrd

    I sprained my ankle this morning. And I need something wonderful to read while I am busy whining.

    Like

  21. Hey, who designed that UK cover? They just didn’t seem to get it. I want my mouse!

    Like

  22. I’d love to win a copy! So…I figure I can fit about 4 bodies under my bed, if they’re intact.😉

    Like

  23. 2024
    Red Wolf

    Great, tease me about a box of glass cow eyeballs. There’s my productivity shot for the day as a ferret through eBay.

    I have been tempted by a display case of human glass eyes in the past. My other half was underwhelmed at my desire to own them. Really, who wouldn’t want a display case full of glass eyes?

    Like

  24. Let me tell you; I have had a sucky, sucky day. SUCKY. If, by some freakin’ miracle, I could win a copy of this box of books – or vintage eyeballs – then that would erase this day from my memory.

    And, if someone could possibly inform my bosses (yes, you read that right. I have THREE of them) that “No, despite what you have been lead to believe, Gigi CANNOT perform miracles” that would be awesome too.

    No pressure.

    Like

    Gigi recently posted Just as I was feeling all smug and boastful....really Man-Child? REALLY?.

  25. 2026
    Abrasive at best

    I loved your book but one with your John Hancock would be a lovely thing!

    PS – I use an average of 3 cow eyeballs a week, mainly as a martini garnish!

    Like

  26. I almost posted something here about getting into an argument with a judge over my 5th-grade science fair project, but on reflection, there’s still a possibility that an arrest could come out of the whole affair.
    So, instead I’ll say that the little boy inside me who was scarred by the whole affair would love a free book.

    Like

  27. ACK! I want this so much! Plus now that I know there is a bonus chapter it is ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT.

    Like

    Mary recently posted CONGRATULATIONS TO OUR CONTEST WINNER!!.

  28. Drawings of snogging unicorns = highlight of my day.

    Like

  29. 2030
    allison

    By far, the best bed for hiding bodies would be the bed in the spare room up at my cottage. Even though it’s only a full sized bed, it features plenty of vertical space, so we could stack bodies at least two deep. Plus, the cottage itself is down a country road, in a forest and has a handy river for dumping excess bodies. Added bonus: the river will carry the bodies AWAY from the cottage, unlike a lake, where they would just eventually float to the surface and then the Crminal Minds people would show up and my husband would be mad at me. Mainly because I would totally be flirting with all the guys. I know you can relate.

    Like

  30. I don’t know how many bodies would fit under my bed but we estimate that we can fit 5 or 6 in the trunk of my bigass car.

    Like

  31. Jesus H. Christ at the number of comments! My least favorite toe is the pinky. She’s a bitch and an embarrassment to all the other toes! Please pick me for the book!

    Like

  32. I’ve had a rough fucking life. My dead dad makes your still alive one look normal. A little less rougher since I splurged on this book for myself. You’re fucking awesome. I have a book of stories begging to come out, and you’re the reason it’s going to happen.

    So, thanks and a hat tip.

    Like

  33. This book sounds like the story of my life. Things that have unfortunately happened to me:
    1. Have had multiple people that don’t know each other make comments along the lines of, “If I didn’t know you were so smart, I’d think you were retarded.
    2. Have run over my own leg with an ATV.
    3. Have been taken home drunkenly from a neighborhood block party in a wheelbarrow.
    4. Have ripped the butt of my pants at the office so that my left butt cheek was showing.
    5. Gave myself a concussion getting into my car in my garage.
    6. Took ACT test unaware there were panties static clung to the ankle of my pants.
    7. Dropped my keys in between the center console of my car and driver’s seat, then proceeded to get my hand stuck for ten minutes trying to reach them.
    8. Have locked my baby in my car several times (locksmiths come to you first and usually don’t charge you).
    9. Used the shelf bra in my camisole as a pocket to throw my keys in, then forgot where I put my keys and walked around shopping for two hours looking like I had a mutant third nipple.

    Obviously, I need this book.

    Like

  34. Your book is way more fun than the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer (and your writing is funnier than the reviews it gets on Amazon)!

    Like

  35. My favorite toe is the fourth toe on my right foot because I broke it on a suitcase while running to the bathroom during a commercial break of the Winter Olympics of 1992. That story was embarrassing to tell to the doctor but thankfully I did make it to the bathroom. And now all you good people know about my favorite toe. Love the book, love the tribe. Depression lies and Xanax allows me to go out in the world.

    Like

  36. Because you’re the bravest and funniest person I have never actually met, and because I also have a ginger cat I adore (but who would have no compunction about goring me if I tried to put a unicorn horn on his head), and because of your haunted doll house and your confidence wig and for so many other reasons…..I would love another copy of your book.

    Like

  37. 2038
    Jessica

    Oooh! Pick me, pick me!!! Also, my index finger-toe (the one between the big and middle) is larger than my big toe. By a lot. On both feet. They’re my lucky toes.

    Like

  38. 2039
    PyroCrashtic

    Joining a roller derby team helps me remember that “depression lies”! 43years old abd kicking 20year old asses!!!

    Like

  39. 2040
    Susanna

    Your book was the best fucking shit I have read and I don’t read to often. Loved it and kind of pissed I loaned my copy, because I know I will never see that one again. I hope the British version includes colorful expressions like “Bullocks” and “bloody hell”. I own a taxidermied penguin named “Charlie” and a flat faced Frenchie, often referred to as Freak McNasty. We are practically soul sisters. Thanks for being awesome!

    Like

  40. 2041
    FushigiFox

    it would be cool if whoever wins a books gets an eyeball too. . . or to win we have to guess how many eyeballs you received.

    Like

  41. 2042
    Barbara Boynton

    I have had your blog in my RSS feed since a friend sent me the first entry about Beyonce. When you don’t post for a few days, I go into withdrawal.

    Like

  42. We don’t need to discuss the bodies under the bed……. And I would love to have a new copy of your book, especially with the added chapter.

    Like

  43. 2044
    MirthMistress

    You are an oasis in the desert of my days. The first time I encountered your magnificence was from a link on Epbot to the Beyonce Incident. Ever since then I have been a loyal an proselytizing minion to the wonder that is the Bloggess. Thank you for being you and regularly imperiling my laptop with spewed liquids. I have mostly learned not to sip and stare but sometimes it happens.

    Like

  44. 2045
    jenn tooker

    To make you laugh:
    My husband and his friends have come up with a new way to measure area. Or more specifically, trunkspace in a car. They look at the trunk and decide how many dead hookers they can fit in it. The more the merrier. We currently have a 3DH trunk. This type of information is useful if you ever need to hide a body.

    Like

  45. 2046
    Beth Yehaskel

    I nearly busted a digit scrolling through the comments! If I get one I would request that you inscribe it with something in the voice of your favorite real or not real doctor who character (I’m partial to river song, who I pretend to be when I’m feeling like I need some extra gumption. Like how beyonce – the singer not the chicken – pretends she’s Sasha fierce on stage).

    Like

  46. 2047
    belblue

    I keep meaning to look for your book but it never fails that if I make it to the bookstore I never make it beyond the pratchett/gaiman/gibson aisle before I make a beeline for the cashier and out of the place. I would love to see what is in there after all the things I have learned on your blog (the unicorn horn post in particular was enlightening…who knew that tonsil stones and milkspots actually had names) or wished I could unsee (though the same post probably applies). Also the posts with the cats sort of convince me that cats aren’t demonspawn (I’m a dog person, like 50+ lbs minimum dog, not the snacksized).

    Like

  47. Love and lady gardens……….. Please pick me

    Like

  48. 2049
    QueenTamara

    I’m pretty sure I can only fit 4 glass eyeballs in my mouth at once.

    Like

  49. 2050
    kate moran

    Will Ferrell does a great impersonation of George W. Bush. That’s all……

    Like

  50. 2051
    Shannon

    My favorite toe in the whole world is on my four-year-old daughter. It has a big freckle and she calls it her chocolate chip toe. I frequently pretend to eat it. I love the covers of the UK version, I want one!! Plus I loaned my copy out to some friends and haven’t seen it since, so I need a replacement.

    Like

  51. Loved listening to the audiobook, and was sorry when I finished it, because you have to love laughing out loud on the drive to/from work. And am still giggling about frenching a unicorn.

    Like

  52. 2053
    Rachelle Nesta

    Your blog makes me so happy…and feel much more normal.

    Like

  53. I had a voice teacher in college with a glass eyeball. I could never remember which one it was and usually spent the first half of my lesson staring at him trying to figure it out.

    Like

  54. So, I was fully prepared to come over here and tell you I like my fourth toe best. Then I realized you might count your toes differently than I do, so I tried to figure out what the names for toes are and couldn’t. Do toes have names??? Fingers have names. So, I’m just going to call it by the finger name – ring toe. That’s my favorite one, but only the left ring toe. The right one’s a wanker.

    Like

  55. 2056
    Erienne

    Your favorite toe: The market one.

    The pet names of your body parts: Naomi. Bill and Potato

    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime: Normal: 15 Abby: 42

    The number of bodies you can fit under your bed: How many did you need to hide? I live in CT. a.k.a. Woodchipper state, we make it work.

    Really would be thrilled to own a copy of this imported cow eyeball book.:)

    Like

  56. We’ve already bought 4 copies of your book at my house and I won’t let my hubby read any of them! His fingers are usually grubby.:/ Plus we gave 2 of those copies away as awesome birthday gifts. He REALLY needs to read your book though and see that he is not alone in fighting the darkness. An autographed copy for him would just MAKE OUR DAY! Have an awesome one yourself and thanks for the smiles!!! Love ya!

    Like

  57. 2058
    Allison

    This would be my third copy. Of course I have to have it.

    Like

  58. 2059
    Kristen E

    You should check out The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast at http://www.mentalpod.com. Funny and enlightening!

    Like

  59. I’m a dude and I still think you are the funniest thing since Lenny Bruce! (That’s right. It’s a Lenny Bruce reference)! I tell everyone to read your blog. My wife loves the taxidermied (Hey look! I just made up a word!) creatures the best. She doesn’t care who you are as long as you keep those stuffed critters coming. (I truly care who you are however). Oh yeah, about the free book…..Please, please, please. (Oh I’m sorry. I don’t mean to beg). It’s so unbecoming……….

    Like

  60. 2061
    Crystal Tolbert

    First, you are awesome…and some kind of kindred spirit sister.
    Second, when I was little I used to have this recurring dream about these (friendly) gremlins that would come visit me, but I had to hide in the closet because for some reason they were scared of me. I miss those guys.
    I loved the book and still love it and would LOVE an autographed copy!

    Like

  61. 2062
    Vicki J

    I was reading your book on my NOOK, before a job interview, just to keep myself relaxed and calm. Problem was, I kept cracking up, and laughed until I cried at one point. I was able to clean myself up before the interview, but I probably had a maniacal gleam in my eyes the whole time.
    Bottom line: Didn’t get the job, but found my tribe.

    Like

  62. 2063
    Momma Fargo

    Congrats on your success! Bravo! And I loved your stories about your dad and furry animal friends. Strange. And new but old…because it was the 70s, right? New to me, anyway. And funny. I also want to say you used the word “fuck” as a noun, adjective, verb, conjunction, proper name, and I could go on. Very brilliant!

    Like

  63. 2064
    SallyKK

    I cut my finger yesterday. Please pick me.

    Like

  64. 2065
    Diane L.

    I would love a copy, and I would love it if you came back for another event near LA, so that I could get all flustered around you all over again and squeal over Copernicus (or whoever joins you).

    Like

  65. Fantastic! (To quote my most favorite Doctor) I’d love to have a copy of the British version of your book. But only if words have extra “u”‘s in them – like favourite, colour, neighbour…just seeing those words makes me read them with a British accent!

    Like

  66. I loved your book, and I’m studying for finals and could really use a laugh! Pick me!

    I don’t think a normal person uses any glass cow eyeballs in a lifetime. Which is thoroughly boring, and why I’m not friends with normal people. I’m sure my friends and I could find multiple uses!

    Also, many bodies under my bed. The one benefit of crappy dorm room lofting.:)

    Like

  67. Getting a copy of your book would totally be better than drenching a unicorn.

    Like

  68. You? Are my hero…

    Like

  69. watching arthur darvil give a tour of a taxidermy shop on the nerdist. also this is my favorite book!

    Like

  70. 2071
    Shannon O'Connor

    Jenny I totally thought of you the other day when I saw a video of a cat in a shark costume riding around on one of those robotic floor cleaners. And there was a small duck I the video too.

    Like

  71. 2072
    Gaming Widow

    I don’t care if I win a copy, but I wanted to thank you for your writing your book.

    Like

  72. 2073
    Mark Fryerparts

    When I was young, I was one of those kids who stuck things up his nose.

    Like

  73. How are glass cow eyeballs different than, say…glass horse eyeballs?

    Like

  74. 2075
    Annette

    I read this and my first thought was, do they float? (the eyeballs, not the books…)

    Like

  75. 2076
    Elizabeth E

    Hooray! You are awesome!

    Also, I’m wearing shoes with Union Jacks on them, so clearly this means that I need the British book.

    Like

  76. 2077
    Annabel

    When my husband inherited an antique candy dish from his however-many-great grandmother Halle Berry (no joke), what did I fill it with? Yep. Glass eyeballs.

    Like

  77. When my 10 yo learned about erections, he thought his dick was going to explode. Lol.

    Like

  78. 2079
    Carmella

    Please send me one!! I have had a Horrible week! I went to a classmates funeral. He passed of a drug overdose, he was very depressed. The Memorial service was at a another classmates house. There was an Exwife, new girlfriend, strippers and a bon fire. In the end mice on fire ran out of the Pyle of brush and the new girlfriend collapsed after the service. After they spread his ashes in the back yard. It’s been a long disturbing week. I can never get off work in time to get to an autograph signing… And I’ll read it in an English accent…

    Like

  79. 2080
    Laurel T

    I have a zombie toe. A few years ago I very smartly thought that moving a couch by pushing it down an uneven sidewalk with flip flops on. The couch stopped and my foot kept going and my zombie toe was born or unborn. I broke my big toe in 2 places and tore off the whole nail. 4 years later and my toe is still all zombified.

    Like

  80. My dad has a small collection of glass eyes. He uses them for some strange character he plays at children’s birthday parties. Or to drop into the food and drinks of unwanted house guests. Strange man, my father.

    Like

  81. 2082
    Katrien

    I tell everyone I know to read your book. Well, I tell the people I know it won’t offend. Well, I told my husband because I was laughing so hard I was crying in bed, and he was curious because usually that only happens with him. Wait . . .

    Like

  82. 2083
    Rebecca Bingley

    Please send me a book! I have given my copy away!

    Like

  83. 2084
    stephanie

    *grabby hands*

    Like

  84. 2085
    Jennifer Burt

    So, I’m seeing that there are currently 1974 comments, which would make mine #1975, which – coincidentally – is the year of my birth. So, I’ve got to be destined to win, yeah?:):)

    Like

  85. I’d love a copy! I could reread your book over and over again… Wonder what that says about me

    Like

  86. No bodies can fit under my bed….I hope that doesn’t disqualify me from entering to win your book

    Like

    BeccaV recently posted The Masters.

  87. 2088
    Veronica

    I think you can never have enough glass eyes…

    Like

  88. Squeeeeeee! I would love an autographed copy!

    Like

  89. My brother looked at my wishlist, and saw your book, so bought it for my for my birthday, and gave it to me just in time for my first international flight, which happened to be to my life-long-dreamed-of vacation to Scotland. I laughed, snickered, chortled, teared up a bit, and felt like I was being accompanied by a close friend on my solo-trip. I would love to have a book that you signed.:) Maybe next time you come out Seattle way I’ll have enough notice to request the day off so I can show up at your event. Thanks for being outspoken about you, and making it easier for all of us who are slightly off “normal” to feel like we can talk about what it’s like to be us.❤

    Like

  90. 2091
    Broomrider1964

    Favorite toe? NOT the one that is hammer toe-ing (sp?) and causing me pain. Pet names of body parts? Tokyo Stompers (my feet, cuz they look like Godzilla’s). How many glass eyeballs a normal person uses in a lifetime? 1, if they are lucky and 2 if they are not. The number of bodies I can fit under the bed? 2 1/2, if I move the AR-15.

    Like

  91. I hate all of my toes, so I definitely don’t have a favorite😦

    Like

  92. Would love to have your book! My sister and I keep in touch despite living hours apart by sending each other links to your stories all the time!

    Like

  93. 2094
    JessJess N

    I definitely just read that whole post in a sexy British accent. That alone should make me a winner. Also, the only body parts I have nicknames for are my breasts, which I called Dorothy (right one), and Toto (left one).

    Like

  94. A glass eye giveaway is just as exciting as a book giveaway.

    Like

  95. 2096
    pam moulder

    I have a pirate cat. Her name is River (Tam or Song, depending on her level of crazy) she lost her eye before we got her, but won’t wear an eye patch (no matter how many zebra striped/leopard spotted ones I make and put on her)

    I thought since it was a post about fake eyes…..

    Also? she looks like Hunter S. Thomcat =^.^=

    Like

  96. 2097
    Kristen

    When I found your blog 2 years ago, I was all WTF is all this.. I have only recently started to “get” you and all I can say is WOW. I write “dont blink” on my bananas that I bring to work for lunch…sometimez.

    Like

  97. Love your book, Jenny. Can’t wait for the next one.

    Like

  98. Hell, I wanted your book anyway but my husband has forbidden me to buy any more books until I got rid of some. Winning a book doesn’t count as buying so I could add yours to my collection.

    Like

  99. Would love a signed copy!

    Like

  100. I so want a glass cow eye… just because:) But a book would be awesome too!

    Like

  101. My favourite toe is definitely not the toe that is still black from wearing too-tight ski boots months ago. Stupid toe.

    Like

    Leone recently posted Still Knitting.

  102. 2103
    Dennylii

    Today I found out I will probably get to meet Nathan Fillion this year so it’s already the best day ever.

    Like

  103. 2104
    kathi wright

    are all glass cow eyeballs brown? do all cows long to jump over the moon? do cats normally play a fiddle? who exactly is diddle-diddle?

    Like

  104. 2105
    TexasEmerald

    So I’m pretty sure that Ferris Mewler and my kitten, Einstein, are related. Except Ferris Mewler is more porn star/fashion model and Einstein is more sharp knives attached to his hands/bitey teeth wrapped around my ankle. He may think is name is Asshole because I spend a lot of time saying “Get off of me, Asshole”. Which also works for my husband. But that’s a different thought all together. So, to summarize, I’d like an autographed copy of your book to accompany the non-autographed copy that I own. You see how these things link together, right? I knew you would…

    Like

  105. 2106
    Leslie Branche

    you had me hooked with Giant Metal Chicken – it is my remedy for the blues
    would surely love the book – better than Xanax!

    Like

  106. As someone with ball jointed dolls, I think I prolly already have far more glass eyeballs than I can use.

    Like

    Jillianne recently posted So let me tell you about Con.

  107. You could randomly place them throughout the house , so victor feels like they are watching him. Glass eyeballs I mean.

    Like

  108. 2109
    Valerie S

    glass cow eyeballs? I can’t wait to see what you do with them.
    My cat’s names are George Washington, Iolaus, and Ernest Shackleton.
    I would love to win an autographed copy of your book.

    Like

  109. 2110
    TexasEmerald

    Um…just to clarify…my husband doesn’t often have sharp knives attached to his hands or bitey teeth wrapped around my ankle. I felt compelled to clear that up…he may be Supreme Ruler of the Universe one day…I don’t want to sully his image.

    Like

  110. I once complimented a man on his car on our first date. He responded with, “Yeah, but you can only fit 2 bodies in the trunk. Three if you chop them up.” Best. First Date. Ever.

    Like

  111. want!

    Like

  112. 2113
    Melissa

    Actually, I have a pet name for my half-toe, which got amputated due to an infection. I call it THE HAMMERHEAD.

    Like

  113. I once dissected a cow’s eye. They’re pretty on the inside.

    Like

  114. 2115
    bogorman

    I was kind of hoping for a vintage glass cow eyeball but since my sister stole my copy of you book, I’d like to have British replacement. Speaking of bodies, I always measure the size of a trunk (boot) in bodies. You know, just in case.

    Like

  115. 2116
    Elizabeth

    I had a cat named Foosilly and to play with her mind I would have “backwards day” by pretending I was Mr.T and calling her “Silly Foo”

    Like

  116. 2117
    Rebecca Ward

    The amount of bodies under my bed would depend on if they were whole or if they were chopped up in to bits. Whole I would say 3 to 4 depending and chopped in to bits – the possibilities are ENDLESS!

    Like

  117. 2118
    darkalter2000

    I want that extra chapter.

    Like

  118. 2119
    Nuwhovian

    You make me laugh everyday! Thank you also for introducing me to Matt Smith and the new Dr. Who–so glad the kids have been sick (not really) so that I can sneak in episodes while they are napping!

    Like

  119. My comment is this: I’m graduating from college next week, twenty years after I started! Woo-hoo!

    Like

  120. I just tore off the remains of my gel nails. Bad idea.
    I think that you, the Blogess, and Chelsea Handler, and I could be related. Or
    Triplets. We all kinda hate people and everything in between. #soannoying

    Back to my nail issue. Ciao. (P.S. approximately 3 bodies, comfortably.)

    Like

  121. When I was a kid I thought if someone punched you hard enough before all your adult molars came in, that your body would reabsorb the teeth and they could wind up growing out of another bone in your body. As if the tooth–idk, seeds??–would go wandering and eventually you could grow a tooth on like your elbow or your kneecap or something. I had a spinal operation 7 years ago and before the procedure I had nightmares they’d open me up and find molars on my vertebrae. And then they’d tell me it was because I rode my bike into the back of a Domino’s delivery car, teeth-first, when I was 7.

    Freak teeth are still kind of a phobia. But I think Gypsy Molar might be an awesome name for a terrible band.

    Like

  122. 2123
    Krysta M

    Yep. Want. This book made me laugh and cry and feel things. Of course I want an autographed copy!

    Like

  123. I need more of these books because I keep trying to lend people my copy (signed at the Kansas City book tour), and no one will take it because it’s “too special” and they’re afraid something will happen to it. This is all very sweet and polite, but I MUST SHARE THE AWESOMENESS.

    Like

  124. I would also love to win your book! It will be fun to see how I make out when I try to hold in my laughter while reading your book on the ferry during my morning commute!

    Like

    Amanda recently posted Time Crunch.

  125. 2126
    Michele

    I want to win! I think that the average person needs about 6 glass eyeballs…unless they are the wrong size, then they might fall out and break more often…so I amend my answer to 6 well-fitting glass eyeballs.

    Like

  126. 2127
    amanda l.

    Take it as a compliment that when I saw the dead mole I thought of you.

    Like

  127. My favorite toe is the one that tables and doggy paws don’t attack. (I guess that means I don’t like my toes at all.)

    I’ve never named my body parts. I totally should though. Imagine, instead of saying “I hit my funny bone the table” it could be “I hit Taylor Swift on the table”.

    I think you would use at least two glass eyeballs per creepy stuffed dead animal you make. I think a normal person would only ever use one in their life time but normal people are boring.

    Brb, let me crawl under my bed with all my friends and I’ll let you know how many bodies fit.

    Like

    Rachel recently posted Z is for Zoo.

  128. 2129
    Rebecca

    Your blog is my guilty pleasure …I love to log on and read at work when I am having a particularly awful day. It always makes me smile, laugh and realize I am NOT the only one out there like me.:) I would love a signed copy of your book!

    Like

  129. 2130
    kathi wright

    p.s. don’t you find it a spot odd that the brit version of your book does NOT have HAMLET VON SCHNITZEL on the cover? not that you aren’t lovely….

    Like

  130. My right boobs name is Betty Boob and my left boobs name is Mamela Anderson.

    Also, I let a friend borrow my copy of your book about 7 months ago and she never gave it back.

    I don’t blame her.
    But I want to read it again.
    And an autographed copy sounds more kickass than a unicorn drenching a woman.

    Like

  131. 2132
    StephL79

    I’d so love a copy of your UK book. Your book had me laughing so hard I was crying. Thank you for keeping me laughing in a more trying time in my life.

    P.S. I love unicorns and the pictures of the snogging unicorns were fanfreakingtastic!

    Like

  132. 2133
    Susan Foster

    Even though I already own the book I feel the need to enter because I love this cover. I will mention here that I just ate massive amounts of peanut M&Ms that I got the day after Easter. I am on the cusp of sick/happy.

    Like

  133. Ugh. Autocorrect.

    *Frenching

    I mean, I don’t know how unicorns feel about golden showers, but I feel negatively about them.
    Actually, I might consider it if it were a unicorn because hey, motherfucking unicorns!

    Like

  134. 2135
    Annette

    My female spawn-child now loves Dr. Who. Another one added to our flock. You’re welcome. Please send her your book so she can count the number of times you say vagina and we can speed past that uncomfortable benchmark. :)

    Like

  135. I didn’t actually read your book, I listened when you read it to me on audiobook. Does that still count? I think we are from the same tribe.

    Like

  136. 2137
    Michelle

    Oh how I have wanted to read this book for a while now. I would love to have the opportunity to win one of your autographed copies. It’s a pretty cool tribe that you’ve got here!

    Like

  137. I have a friend that has had several glass eyeballs. She has to get them replaced periodically because I don’t know why, but she uses them as Halloween decorations. The cool thing about human glass eyeballs is that there is an artist that hand paints the iris to match the other eye and that on the back side they paint a small picture so that they can tell the eyeballs apart.

    Like

  138. 2139
    MissKitti

    I own the ebook and would love to read the new chapter. I promise to pass your book on to a bookless tribe member. Also- no favorite toes, genetics and RA have not left us on good terms.

    Like

  139. 2140
    April zakroczymski

    I could probably fit 9 bodies under my bed…..but then id have to throw out all of those glass eyeballs.

    Like

  140. 2141
    stephanie

    monkeys

    Like

  141. please pick me, because i was once a juror on a serial killer case. i’m not kidding.

    Like

  142. Pick me please!

    Like

  143. My kids are sick at the moment. My two year old keeps running up and wiping his snotty nose on my clothes, it’s completely disgusting.

    Like

  144. What the bleeding ‘eck have glarse eyeballs got to do with the price ov fish?!

    Like

  145. Hey, I need this. Really. TIA:-)

    Like

    JC recently posted read.

  146. 2147
    Sabrina

    Unfortunately I can’t fit any bodies under my bed since I just moved and have my box spring on the floor. I need to figure out some other storage solution.

    Like

  147. I love being a part of this Tribe!! Would love to win one also!!!!!

    Like

  148. I totally want to read your book. I keep hoping someone will gift it to me, but so far my Jedi mind trick has apparently failed because no one has offered me a copy adorned with a bow. Winning a copy would probably be the next best thing to suddenly coming into my as-yet dormant Jedi abilities. ^_^

    Like

    Nikki NeverWithoutPolish recently posted Stash Swatch Initiative: Rainbow Honey Sakura Matsuri.

  149. 2150
    Hannabeth

    Last week, I taught the two teenage boys I tutor their first ever sex-ed lesson (they are 17). Surprisingly, that description is NOT a euphemism.

    Like

  150. 2151
    marjorie

    You had me at unicorns snogging.

    Like

  151. If I won this would you post it to New Zealand? Or, you know, hand deliver it? We have a spare bed!

    Like

  152. My favorite toe would have to be my right pinky toe that has completely regrown its toenail at least three times this year because I have no sense of space and run into everything.

    Like

  153. A friend in high school had a glass eyeball. She would take it out during biology and gross out the preppy girls even worse than they already were grossed out by dissecting stuff.

    Like

  154. 2155
    Margaret

    I LIKE POTATOES!!!

    Like

  155. Thanks for the invitation to the tribe.:)

    Like

  156. So, my friend and I decided one night after watching Law and Order that we really needed to know how many dead bodies the average person discovers in a lifetime. We figured by Law and Order standards, it has to be at least 5. We performed diligent Google searches, found fascinating things out about prostitutes, and information about your own dead body, but we never got a number. I figure we deserve something for all of our hard work, right?

    Like

  157. 2158
    Colleen

    Pick me pick me! I was looking for new houses & I saw one with a bunch of animal heads on the walls & thought of you.:)

    Like

  158. Your book made me laugh harder than I’ve laughed in a long time. Thank you!!

    Like

  159. Unicorns are naturally horny.

    Like

  160. 2161
    Sarah Lane

    I’m from New Zealand, and I can’t get your book here yet unless I order it from Amazon and they charge lots to ship a little book all the way here so here’s hoping, but otherwise I will patiently wait for your book to come out here because it’s nice to read about people as weird as I can be:)

    Like

  161. I would like to enter to win anything you’ve touched so I can have an object touched by a celebrity. But really, you’re awesome. I’d love to enter to win a copy. Please remain as unbelievably cool as you are.

    Like

    Azizah A. (@GourmetPens) recently posted Wordless Wednesday.

  162. I recently dropped my laptop on my ring toe, and it has an awesome bruise that looks like a smiley face.

    Like

  163. 2164
    Denny144

    There’s a duck nesting in the bushes next to my front porch.

    Like

  164. Ooo. I’m pretty sure I could fit 1.25 morbidly obese personages under the bed, or 4 average sized people, assuming I can duct tape their arms and legs together so they won’t flop out the sides/

    In other news, I call my boobs my “purin purins.” You know, like the giga pudding commercials.

    Wow, I hope I win! I need something to stop this desk from wobbling.

    Like

  165. 2166
    TehTimmah

    I should win, because I lent my hardcopy to a former girlfriend, who left me and kept the book

    Like

  166. I was going to leave a funny(to me) post, but after reading most of these I have no chance. I loaned out my book and haven’t gotten it back. That’s how good it is.

    Like

  167. Well, first of all, I am a personal unpaid advertisement for the book. Laughed and cried hysterically throughout. So much so that my kid asked me not to sit by him and read it, and people on the plane must have thought I was high as a hippie. I tell people about it all the time, clearly sales have increased dramatically just based on my awesome tale of how amazing it is. No pressure at all…. Anyways, I think I win the prize for odd dog names. Guppi the Puppi, chihuahua with long hair, and Bug, the tiny terrier of terror. Love ya, Jenny!

    Like

  168. 2169
    Elizabeth Carroll

    I got married Saturday! This would be a fantastic wedding present! I will even send you a thank you note too!:-)

    Like

  169. Saddly no bodies would fit under my bed… unless you meant metaphorically, like skeletons in your closet, but you’ve seen my closet and know that nothing would fit in there so that jus leaves the almost non-existent space under the bed, that is still bigger than the totally non-existent space in my closet, and why would you keep your skeletons in your closet if you are gonna be constantly having to move them around to get to your clothes? What was the question again?
    Anyway I live in Mexico and just recently managed to get a copy of your book, and good thing I waited cause I get to read the extra chapter. I’m just starting it and I totally love it. It has already made me look like a crazy person in the bus, which is great cause no one wants to sit with a crazy person so I get the whole seat for myself.

    Like

  170. I’d love a copy – if only because I bought it in both hardcover and Kindle edition and bought two additional hardcover copies as gifts. If I bought the new version just for the new chapter, my husband might kill me.

    Like

  171. 2172
    Heather M

    “Some of those people on Match Game were drunk. With power.”=30 rock

    Like

  172. My daughter was born with 11 toes. To be fair the 11th toe disappeared once I slept. But I counted 11 toes when she was born. True story.

    Like

  173. 2174
    Missy M

    There is way too much stuff under my bed to fit any bodies

    Like

  174. Me! It would be an awesome read after the craziness of preschool right before summer.

    Like

  175. 2176
    Cynthia

    My love for you started with the chicken. And Victor. It lives on.

    Like

  176. 2177
    Stephanie C

    For the unicorns!

    Like

  177. once again I”ll state that I would love love love to win an autographed copy of your book, especially since I don’t have that extra chapter and I swear its driving me crazy knowing that the extra chapter exists and I don’t know what it says!!!!😛
    Please pick me, thank you:)

    Like

  178. 2179
    Nelaril

    I can only fit one body under my bed right now, unless they’re midgets. Then I could totally fit two. The rest of the space is filled with three storage bins filled with boots. My shoe addiction is so great that I was forced to give up dead body hiding spots. It’s a real problem.

    Like

  179. One time my friends and I used a jersey shore name generator and I came up with K Pop for me and now I refuse to be addressed by anything other than K Pop. I knew it’d finally caught on when my grandma used it. I promise I’m not a dbag. Also, I have 4 yards of mulch to do tomorrow and I hate that they measure it in yards. And that the first year of home ownership I made an ass of myself when ordering mulch and talked in circles with the sales guy.
    Guy: how man yards do you need?
    Me: just one I think.
    Guy: Most people start with at least 4 because they get free delivery and can use it.
    Me: blank stare
    Guy:so four?
    Me: so then I give mulch to other people for their yards?
    Guy:blank stare
    Me: I’m so confused
    Guy: yard is a measurement like cubic yards
    Me: oooooooooooh. So how big is that?

    And I got too much mulch that year. And then we moved and now I use enough mulch that I could open a mulch store.

    And I want a book.

    Like

  180. After much goading from my husband and friends, I have started writing. So far, I have the beginnings of a short movie script, a response to a student asking about inter-faith marriages, half a Cracked article, and what appears to be a list of things that toddlers think at 4am. I am KILLING this writer thing! I think tomorrow I’ll just go back to reading what other people write, though, so your book would be nice. Thanks.

    Like

  181. My boyfriend bought me the kindle version. But then my kindle broke. And I don’t have the money for a new one right now. Help me out?

    Like

  182. DAMMIT. I already bought an ebook. but a hard copy would be nice. Does it read in a British accent?

    Like

    Todd recently posted Curious George Visits a Toy Store…While High On Meth.

  183. 2184
    Mother October

    For some reason this post reminds me of “Good Country People” by O’Connor. Must be my English teacher attention to/fixation on artificial body parts! And cheers to you!

    Like

  184. 2185
    AMilitarySister

    Letting you be a part of it? I think it’s safe to say you are our leader. Bless your heart.

    Like

  185. I would love to read your book!!!! I keep meaning to buy it but I have 2 toddlers sucking my brains out.

    Like

  186. Peeps be likin’ the free swag. knock knock, motherfucker.

    Like

  187. nothing would make me happier than another copy of this book- I was reading it in an airport, crying/laughing and more than one person came up to ask what book it was because it had to be wonderful if it made me laugh so much- also my thumb nail is wider than it is long- some kinda weird deformity- and I recently found out there are support groups for people like me- with freakish thumbs- brachydactyly type D thumbs that is

    Like

  188. I keep reading that sugar is bad for you, but then I read that local honey is great for you. This is very confusing for me. SCIENCE, CONTROL YOURSELF.

    Like

  189. Your book made me laugh so hard. And I had a bathroom party of my own when I went to one of your book readings in San Antonio. I wanted so much to go talk to you but I couldn’t. I can’t wait till your next book comes out. And winning one of the first would be fantastic

    Like

    Amber recently posted Carmencita.

  190. My brain is my favorite organ. I nearly lost it in a bad fall last year, so of course I’m glad it didn’t leave me. My liver is my second favorite organ, because, well, wine.

    Like

  191. i prefer eyepatches over glass eyes for cows. Pirate cows are amazing. Arrrrmoo

    Like

  192. I’m 2029! That’s my favorite year! I don’t have a lot of signed books… one Ray Bradbury and a David Sedaris… But I’d be tickled to add your work to the mix!
    Keep Calm Take a Zanax,
    -steve

    Like

  193. Ulna. But I’m not telling you which one.

    Like

  194. 2195
    Curioser & Curioser

    Nicknames of body parts? Well my so-called friends named the girls “Deanna” and “Beverly” after the characters that were covering them on the Next Gen t-shirt I wore back in the 1990’s. Nice, huh?

    So now that I’ve embarrassed myself . . . I hope I win a book. Or at least make you laugh. I owe you a few!

    Like

  195. 2196
    Deborah

    My favorite toe is the one that makes me look the best. I should spend more time invested in how my toes look.

    Like

  196. If I was feeling motivated I could probably squeeze at least 10 bodies under my bed:)

    Like

  197. 2198
    Jeannette

    I’m studying for my PhD qualifying exam and going stir crazy doing it. Meeting you in SF was a great diversion, but now I just want to re-read your book!

    Like

  198. 2199
    Nadine Mathews

    While out shopping at my favorite thrift tore today, I may have picked up a pair of vintage moon boots! And I would love a copy of your book!

    Like

  199. Someone I know from Australia was going to bring me a kangaroo balls keychain when she came to the US a while back, and then she forgot. I AM BEREFT OF KANGAROO BALLS KEYCHAINS. T____T

    Like

  200. I am a 7th grade math teacher. If anyone needs an extra dose of hilarity at the end of her day, it’s me!:)

    Also, I love winning at everything. Even internet contests.

    Random fact: typewriter is the longest word that you can write using only the top row of the keyboard.

    Like

  201. Turns out my puppy likes to eat goose poo.

    Like

  202. Your favorite toe: My pinky/baby toe. IDK why…it’s cute?
    The pet names of your body part: Boobs – Thelma and Louise.
    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime: Hmm…three?
    The number of bodies you can fit under your bed: I plead the fifth.

    Like

    Jen Chavanu recently posted I feel it in my bones….

  203. I wonder if Glass Eyeballs could be repurposed as prosthetic testicles, for folk in need and all.

    Like

  204. 2205
    Kathy Nunn

    I just want you to know that last week I was waiting in the hospital while my dad had triple bypass surgery. I was so glad to have your book with me to help lighten my day. Thanks for being with me. An extra copy is always good for something like a wobbly table or a friend in need.

    Like

  205. I want this book, mainly because no one sends me parcels because they don’t know how to write Chinese characters. But I’m ok with you taking the easy way out and just printing out my address.

    Also Facebook and Youtube and Blogspot and a hundred other websites are blocked in China, so when I first moved here I felt homesick and isolated and desperately alone. Then I discovered that your blog *wasn’t* blocked, and the laughter has gotten me through moving cities, two brutal peri-Siberian winters, and a whole lot of feeling hemmed in by way too many people.

    Thank you.

    Like

    Emma recently posted An Englishman in Changchun.: Chinese Alcohol.

  206. 2207
    Margaret

    Pick me! Pick me! I want another copy, but a different version with an extra chapter!!!!

    Like

  207. My dog Frank has extra toes. We thought it was just dew claws and were going to get them taken off but it turns out he just has extra. I think it makes him more stable on two feet. Like he could be a boxer, not a dog boxer, because he is a pyranees/lab mix, but a real “mama says knock you out” boxer.

    Like

  208. 2209
    Therese

    Ha-I actually do have a favorite toe! It’s my second “royal” toe, which is very long, just like the Statue of Liberty’s second toe.

    Like

  209. My favorite toe is the one right next to my big toe. Because I stub my big toe, and I jam my baby toe, and sometimes even the toe next to it (do you call it the ring toe?)
    But nothing bad ever seems to happen to my pointer toe. By saying this I have now jinxed my favorite toe. Damn it.

    Like

  210. I met Wil Wheaton twice this week at the Calgary Expo. I was bathed in his aura of awesome. Pick me!

    (I saw Nathan Fillion from a distance and he is smokin’ hot).

    Like

    Angela recently posted Cat photography.

  211. Ask me about my attention deficit disorder, or pie, or my cat. A dog. I have a bike. Do you like reality tv? I saw a shiny rock. Hi.

    Like

  212. My bookshelf is lonely and needs a friend. Like your book.

    Like

  213. 2214
    Laurena

    Easy peasy lemon squeezie:)

    Like

  214. You made me a legend at work. I offered you a taxidermied animal to review one of our products and then I got my manager to take me to the sketchiest pawn shop ever to price out an emu. It was expensive but so worth it. I kind of wish you had said yes because I wanted to see our accountant’s face when I tried to write it off as a business expense.

    … That totally beats looking at porn at work, which also happens a lot.

    Like

    Brendazzle* recently posted Relay for Life.

  215. I have just been put on bed rest for the next five weeks or until this little mini-egg decides to make an appearance and I’m afraid I’m going to COMPLETELY LOSE MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    If left to my own devices I will have nothing to do but lie here contemplating the massive cankles that got me into this predicament (wow, thank you spell check, I would never have guessed that’s how you spell predicament).
    Please save me from my MASSIVE Cankles! I think a book to hold up in front of my face will do the trick. Unless of course they grow to such mammoth proportions that they swell out on either side and start to be visible in my peripheral vision, oh god, is that even possible? Now I need to do a Google image search for cankles…
    Thank you, that is all.

    Like

  216. I was gifted this book by my dear friend, since she recognized us both as members of the tribe as well. I have it only on my Kindle. Since I still have a softness in my heart for paper books, I’d love to have one, and read the extra chapter too!

    Like

    Jenx Byron recently posted An Open Letter to the Church from My Generation.

  217. 2218
    lyknnits

    I would love a signed copy of your book. Thanks for a fun offer.

    Lynn

    Like

  218. My favorite story in the book is the squirrel in the cracker box. Or maybe the turkeys. Or maybe how it makes me glad that my parents stuck to normal 1970s hobbies like macrame and decoupage.

    Like

    Jen Anderson recently posted Comments About Comments.

  219. Truly elated to have stumbled upon and found my tribe – you make howl with laughter every day! Can’t ask for more than that. Thank you for being amazing and bat shit crazy. Can I have some glass cow eyeballs, please? I have the perfect vision for how to use them…

    Like

  220. 2221
    andrea g

    I didn’t want to try, cause I thought I’ll never win, but then thought, have to try. Thanks for helping me when I want to crawl under a table (figuratively).

    Like

  221. I am currently drinking wine out of a T.A.R.D.I.S mug. It holds a lot of wine.

    Like

  222. 2223
    Mardigrasween

    I loved your book. Yes, I read it all ready. But would love to win it for a friend that could really stand to laugh so hard that an airplane full of people think she’s a crazy person…yes that was me, and I would love for it to be her as well. Also, apparently when I try to hold in my laughter, I look like I’m trying not to sneeze and cry at the same time, things I didn’t need to know about myself. I digress…
    Friend + hard times + depression + anxiety + divorce= really needing a “pick me up”

    (if it wins you over any, I can do taxidermy…mostly on birds, but that is what a biology degree teaches people now days)
    Thanks

    Like

  223. I would prefer the eyeball, but, hey! Free Book!

    Like

  224. 2225
    Ruby Cichocki

    I laughed so hard I cried a couple of times reading this book. Also kept the hubby up by shaking the bed trying to silently laugh. I have pimped your book to all the family. I would sooooo love a UK copy of it:)
    Thanks for the fun
    Ruby Cichocki

    Like

  225. Please pick me and I’ll tell you all about the time that I had nothing to comment about other than the fact that my sister has my copy of your book and I totally could use one to read in a sexy female Doctor voice. Or maybe I’ll be Rose Tyler. Who knows. No pun intended… PICK ME!!!!!

    Like

    Devon S recently posted It's the little things.

  226. 2227
    Emily Hanson

    This is still my favorite book – I think I’ve read it 3 times in the last year. And given away about 7 copies of the book to friends (no one understands how much you laugh aloud when reading it … until they read it).

    Like

  227. 2228
    Melissa

    Jenny, I love your blog so much, it really gives me a good laugh when I’m having a bad day.:) I read your book in just a couple of days, and have passed it on to my conservative parents (who really loved it too!)
    -Melissa

    Like

  228. I have two glass fish eyes. Both rejected from a burrfish patient who had lost one eye. We tried two difference sizes. First was too small, second too big. They used to live on my desk. Took a while for people to notice the eyes staring back at them. Favorite previous work keepsake.

    Like

  229. 2230
    Samantha Bitner

    There’s a kitty!

    Like

  230. 2231
    Catherine

    I keep forgetting that preschoolers don’t get sarcasm.

    Like

  231. I prefer to keep my bodies under someone else’s bed.

    Like

  232. I hope I win! You rock!

    Like

  233. I’m too tired to come up with something witty but I still want the book!

    Like

  234. ‘Wahoo’

    Like

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  235. I bought your book for my sister for Christmas but forgot to read it before she took it with her when she left. And it didn’t have the extra chapter. So yeah, I want to win.

    Like

    sparkling74 recently posted Idle Hands And My Idle Mind.

  236. 2237
    Kathy Prado

    Will you just LOOK at these shameless people (over 2000!!!!) who are unabashedly begging to get a copy of a book that I consider one of my absolute favorites!!
    I will NOT Join the myriad of lost and wandering souls and beg for a copy of my absolute favorite book
    – I will simply state the truth – I Want to read the extra chapter that you’ve included – puh-leeze!!!!!
    I will love you forever and ever if you accidentally pick me to be a winner …. AND….

    I will love you forever and ever if you do not pick me to be a winner – my love does not waver – Ask Harper Lee – she’s been a favorite forever and ever and ever. Hugs!!!

    Kathy

    Like

  237. Given that I’ve put my queen-size bed on lifts, I’m fairly certain I could store several bodies under there for as long as I could stand the smell.

    My favorite thing to do with your book is give it out as a gift, and I know just who I would give this copy to, were I a lucky winner!

    Like

  238. Hoping that the new chapter includes unicorns french kissing, but not sure the Brits would allow that. Anyway, would love to win a copy of your incredibly awesome book!

    Like

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  239. 2240
    Michelle E

    I would love to have a box of vintage glass eyeballs to turn into yard art. Can’t you just imagine a whole family of cow-eyed garden gnomes? If I can’t have the eyes I guess one of your books would be a nice second place.:)

    Like

  240. 2241
    Gwenifire

    My dad has a glass eye, but he didn’t get it until he was in his fifties. He was told to replace it in 20ish years? So that would be 2 in his lifetime… but let’s say you have some weird fishing accident in your 20’s, so that would be four. And if you have one put in at birth, that would be what, 5? Hmmm.

    Like

  241. This book sounds like the story of my life. Things that have unfortunately happened to me:
    1. Have had multiple people that don’t know each other make comments along the lines of, “If I didn’t know you were so smart, I’d think you were mentally disabled.”
    2. Have run over my own leg with an ATV.
    3. Have been taken home drunkenly from a neighborhood block party in a wheelbarrow.
    4. Have ripped the butt of my pants at the office so that my left butt cheek was showing.
    5. Gave myself a concussion getting into my car in my garage.
    6. Took ACT test unaware there were panties static clung to the ankle of my pants.
    7. Dropped my keys in between the center console of my car and driver’s seat, then proceeded to get my hand stuck for ten minutes trying to reach them.
    8. Have locked my baby in my car several times (locksmiths come to you first and usually don’t charge you).
    9. Used the shelf bra in my camisole as a pocket to throw my keys in, then forgot where I put my keys and walked around shopping for two hours looking like I had a mutant third nipple.

    Like

  242. I would love to add this to my collection of books. I have the Kindle edition and paperback:)

    Like

  243. Would love an autographed copy of your book…winner, winner, chicken dinner. :)

    Like

  244. Oh, me! I’m too cheap to buy one and the reserve line at the Library is insane! (…as in, there are 2 people before me).

    Like

  245. Can you fucking believe these comments?

    I was interviewed by CNN on Monday. I do this shit all of the time. No one pays me. So a free book would be tits.

    Like

    Mom Off Meth recently posted I'm a baby in this process. Oh, and CNN.

  246. Would love to win a copy so that I don’t have to steal one from the library. I love all of your pictures of Hunter S Thomcat.

    Like

  247. 2248
    Stephanie Naegeli

    I love my hard copy of your book (and I have recommended it to several people), I would love to win the paperback with the extra chapter!

    Like

  248. My daughter refuses to return my copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.” We laughed until we peed. I let her take my copy home. That was months ago.

    Like

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  249. hooray for free!

    Like

    Eric J. Ehlers recently posted April 2013′s Contributors.

  250. Only 7.😉

    Like

  251. You know, I think the glass cow eyeballs could come in handy. If you take them and put them in a vase, that would definitely be an eye catcher, conversation maker. Think about it. It would really be something!

    Like

  252. I’ve been following this blog for a while now… I don’t even know how I first got here, but I know that when I found it I thought it was ***AWESOME***. So much so I went through every post before the one I landed on and couldn’t rest until I’d read them all and I since feel bad if I miss more than a few in a row. I’m a little sorry I don’t look at twitter (where I follow you) very often because if I stop missing out on twitter I start missing out on life and I had to make a big decision not to venture there so often. I’m not even ashamed to admit a slight obsessive-compulsive personality that makes me check on a strange stranger I know a-bit-too-much about (about as much as a bad stalker might know, I figure) because this is the blog where that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you, Jenny. I would be thrilled to have an autographed copy of your book.

    Like

  253. Pinkie toe, Gertrude and Unna, one set of eyeballs per five years. Unless we are talking the cow eyeballs – in which case endless eyeballs.

    Like

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  254. I read your blog everynight before I go to sleep. Most nights I fall asleep smiling but some nights I have horrible nightmares about cow eyeballs, french kissing unicorns or whatever curiosity your mind comes up with. Thanks for the smiles. Not the eyeball nightmares.

    Like

  255. Are those vintage glass eyeballs for cows, or glass eyeballs for vintage cows? ~Enquiring minds want to know.~

    Like

  256. Over 2000 comments… will you even make it this far down the list Jenny? Or will you start from the bottom? The middle?

    I name vehicles. My car is named Patience. Patience has ants in her pants and likes to go super fast- no lie.

    While I was looking at Patience at the car lot I asked the salesman how many bodies would fit in the trunk. He stopped talking for the first time since he’d walked up to me. After that he was doing a lotta blinking. I popped the trunk and whistled.
    It was time for a test drive- because I could see that 6 bodies would fit nicely in there.
    When I took her for the test drive on the freeway the salesman was holding onto the sides of his seat. Cars that can make men drool or be quiet while I drive are my favorite kind of cars. My mechanic still drools when I take her in for a check up.
    And… Patience helped save my husband’s life, but I’ll stop here. She’s a cool beauty.
    I would love to have an autographed copy of your book- who wouldn’t?
    Honestly, I am just happy you are here:)

    Like

    PB recently posted 1:6 Furniture For Our Dolls.

  257. I want to find out if this is my tribe. Hit me up with a book!
    Becky:)

    Like

  258. 2259
    Jeanette

    Mice dipped in cheese do NOT taste like chicken. Random? Certainly!

    Like

  259. 2260
    Tinkerbell

    Depression & anxiety is a bitch. Also? Chronic constipation. I suffer every day. Sorry for the TMI.

    Like

  260. I had a Jenny Moment today, check it out:
    Oh dear. Apparently I have upset someone enough that they felt the need to graffiti the following message for all to see: ” Mrs. Cavanaugh is a asshole. P.S. Fuck you.” This tells me two things: 1. I need to review proper titles as I am a “Ms.” not a “Mrs.” And 2. I need to review articles. It should be “an asshole.” GEEZ! Also, what you can’t see is I am also called a “birch.” So 3. Work on spelling.
    Love,
    Mrs. A. Birch

    Like

  261. 2262
    Sheryl A VanVleck

    Again, I am number 2064. But, happy to be in the tribe. Actually, you can use glass cow eyes to make large santa dolls. But, I have to wonder, how many cows need glass eyeballs. I think someone should look into why cows are losing their eyes.

    That said, I would LOVE a copy of your book

    Like

  262. Favorite Toe: Left Big toe, because it can bend at a 90 degree angle and it is the least a**hole of all my toes

    Pet Names for Body Parts: Left Big Toe – “Least A**hole of All My Toes”. aka LAOAMT

    Glass eyeballs I think a normal person uses in a lifetime: 5

    # of Bodies I can fit under my bed: Average sized males aprx 10

    Totally up to me: Sometimes people think I am you and that makes me happy.

    Like

  263. I know a woman with a glass eyeball! She likes to leave it sitting in odd places around the house to freak her family out. If you are invited for lunch, inspect your salad and mashed potatoes!

    Like

  264. My boyfriend and I call my boobs ‘muffins’, is that a good pet name for them?

    Like

  265. I laughed out loud so much reading this book, now my 11 year old son wants to read it. Would that be inappropriate? 😉

    Like

  266. 2267
    Jeff Howard

    So far I have only used 3 glass eyeballs, but I am only in my mid 40s so there is plenty of time for more.

    Like

  267. Can you juggle glass cow eyeballs? That would be awesome!

    Like

  268. Pick me pick me! I’m re-reading your book from start to finish. It’s only the second time, but I’ve lent it out to about 3 people and have just got it back. Number of bodies under the bed? Human bodies would probably be 3. Perhaps a little more or less depending on the size and weight. Normal glass eyeballs. 1 for sure, but probably 2. Let’s be honest, if I’m getting 1 glass eyeball, I’m also getting a spare one for when I break the first one by throwing it in the air or from pretending to be Mad-Eye. It should be everyone’s goal to have at least 1 glass eyeball though.

    Like

  269. 2270
    Elizabeth

    Are you sure you don’t have any glass eyeballs to give away? Because that would be wicked cool!

    Like

  270. 2271
    Bethany

    My cat Ruby hides every time she sees weeping angels and my other cat Teddy perks up and looks for the Tardis when he hears my ringtone.

    Like

  271. We have 2 pet alpacas, their names are Mr. Feeny and Erik. =)

    Like

  272. I have a king sized bed so I’m guessing I could fit about 8 bodies under it… although the smell would be awful, and I like a neat bedroom so all the feet hanging out from under the bed would bother me. Also, I’m guessing you could find a use for a whole box of glass cow eyeballs. Vase filler maybe?

    Like

  273. 2274
    stephanie

    my favorite toes are the webbed ones i have on both feet although it makes the wearing of toe rings a bitch.

    Like

  274. I need to win to cap off a fabulous week wherein my unemployed husband finally landed work! Plus, I love you, and I really think you love me, too, so that’s why I should win.:)

    Like

  275. 2276
    CareyBerry

    I think maybe Paige (comment 2070) should get a book. If I win one, please pass it along to her. My mom was a teacher for 30 years and I can tell you there is no way I’d have made it a tenth that time without a felony conviction.

    Like

  276. Please oh please give a book and some eyeballs to:

    kayte May 1, 2013 at 1:38 pm comment 710

    I blew iced tea out my nose when I read that comment.

    Like

    PB recently posted 1:6 Furniture For Our Dolls.

  277. This book made me cry (for real) and then laugh aloud (both shockingly anti-British) on consecutive NYC subway rides. It is now the Bible of my law office, to be shared when someone needs to do either one of those things or implode. Autographed copy or not, I am so glad that it exists. Co

    Like

  278. Hmm…favorite toe…I’m going to go with the third toe on my left foot.

    Like

    Emily recently posted Cranky pants.

  279. 2280
    Heidi T

    I thought I cut off my toe today. I dropped a knife onto my foot and cut my toe. I seriously thought I lost the toe there was so much blood.

    Like

  280. Thank you, Jenny.

    Like

  281. Most people would probably only use two glass cow eyes in their lifetime, a normal pair, just to freak people out with. But, since I’m not most people, I have to admit that I have used many more times that.

    Actually, in the last 4 years, I have used a minimum of 102 eyes, many of them glass. I don’t keep count, and they aren’t cow eyes, they are made to look like human eyes. I currently have exactly 32 more glass eyes in a drawer right here in my desk. I put them in my babies’ heads (don’t worry, they are dolls, though they do freak people out when I bake the baby because they look real).

    [URL=http://s983.photobucket.com/user/edenslittleones/media/DSC_0080_zps82c32b80.jpg.html][IMG]http://i983.photobucket.com/albums/ae317/edenslittleones/DSC_0080_zps82c32b80.jpg[/IMG][/URL]

    Like

  282. 2283
    Michele

    I hope I win. If it’s not random and you’re awarding copies to those who have witty comments, then I may as well just go ahead and get “Loser” tattooed on my forehead.

    Like

  283. 2284
    Manda O

    I have a cat named Henree. He’s black and white splotches. I want to get him a bow tie (because they’re cool off course) but I don’t know what color. I like then from Oskar and Klaus website, but what goes with black and white?

    I also have a tortie named Fox. But she’d eat me in my sleep if I put a note tire on her.

    Ps- I’m not a crazy cat lady.

    Pps- my husband says two is enough. If I didn’t have a husband I’d be a cat lady.

    Like

  284. 2285
    Karen Mims

    My cat is, finally, part of my Dulles-Frankfurt reservation, yay! It only took 5 separate calls to the airlines and two visits to the travel agent, huzzah! Because I know you’re wondering, no, my cat does not have a glass eyeball.

    Like

  285. I wish I could win a signed book. Actually I wish I could have made it to one of your book signing so I could meet you and get a signed book. If you ever make it to DC I will drop everything to be there!

    Like

  286. Fun fact: I am legally blind in one eye. I could actually legitimately use a monocle. But I don’t because getting a prescription one is stupid expensive and I don’t have that kind of money. I wish I did, because then I could out-steampunk all the steampunk people, because how many of them have a prescription monocle? I’m willing to bet my not blind eye that there aren’t many. Instead, I wear regular glasses, except the lens over my good eye is literally just a piece of glass. I should probably name my off eye, but I don’t even know where to begin with potential names. Second Eye Blind? Real-Life Left Eye? So many options!!

    Like

    Pretend Grown Up recently posted And tonight, I play the role of an irresponsible grown up.

  287. What?!? This isn’t a giveaway for a giant box of vintage glass cow eyeballs?

    Bummer.

    Like

    Desiree' recently posted What this is about~.

  288. I love things. I want to win all the things.

    Like

  289. I don’t know how many glass eyeballs the average person should have on hand. However, I have long been collecting a Big Bowl of Neat Stuff to plop into the lap of anyone requiring diversion: Netsuke and interesting seashells and other small objects that need to be picked up and examined. There should be at *least* three or four glass eyeballs representing different species in there.

    (And I already bought the U.S. hardback edition of your book but would like to read the extra paperback chapter.)

    Like

    Cobwebs recently posted Cupookie.

  290. I can’t bear to watch anymore violent TV shows unless it’s Dexter or about vampires. That’s my current Truth.

    Like

  291. Could you sign the copy of your book I already own? Or I guess I could give that one to some lucky person and keep the shiny new one…

    Like

  292. Your blog & book has made me laugh more than I ever have, and I love you for it!! I really hope you come to the DC metro area so I can meet you in real life :’) You are so amazing for doing this for people…hope you write another book soon!! HUGS & Lots of LOVE!!

    Like

  293. My favorite toe is the little one. I call it Jo Jo because it is redundant and unnecessary.

    Like

    Jeff recently posted Holding Back the Tears….

  294. I could probably fit one less body part under my bed than I needed to

    Like

  295. Considering the shittastic day I’ve had, winning a good book would be even better than french kissing a unicorn.

    Like

  296. Want. book. now.

    Like

  297. My favorite toe is my second because it is longer than the first. Determined to be the best that toe. I have no nicknames for my body parts, so the hubby and I should get on that. I would say 17 glass eyeballs per lifetime, unless you like to gift them then 717. And rough estimate on bodies I go with 17 again because because.

    Like

  298. New to the tribe. I love reading your blog, and would love a book! Ps, I keep a jar full of glass cow eyes next to my jar containing The Doctor’s hand…

    Like

  299. I love reading your blog. You make me laugh alot. I love the twitter you posted today too.😉 By the way I have glass eyeballs for everyday of the week and special ones for holidays.😀 LOL!!

    Like

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  300. I’m worried that I don’t have a favorite toe. Are they feeling unappreciated? i

    Like

  301. Your book, lent away, twice or thrice returned, found a new home with someone now; I cannot remember who… Alas, I just offered to lend it away again, but the cupboard was bare. Loved it, quote it, ruminate on Jenkins the turkey, poor dear. He was only misunderstood, aren’t we all?

    Like

  302. 2303
    Mary W.

    There was teacher in my middle schoolwho tricked her students into thinking she had a glass eye..

    In other news it was my birthday yesterday:)

    Like

  303. 2304
    Terrie crowder

    I love your site!! I have all my coworkers hooked on your site. All of us read yout book we all loved it!

    Like

  304. When I bought my freezer 29 years ago, the salesman told me it would fit 3 bodies. I’m still trying to fill it….with groceries. Definitely not bodies. Unless ground meat and steaks count…

    Like

  305. I love watching trash television and eating ice cream. Truth.

    Like

  306. 2307
    Elizabeth M.

    This is my tribe. You’ve made me see that I’m worth something. My Mom has even commented about how much she thanks you for the changes in me.

    But I don’t need another copy. I have three. Hardcover (signed in Chicago, then I came the second day in my red dress just to show that I could), Paperback (Napertucky – that place is weird), and the first one I bought, my Nookbook because I couldn’t wait for the paperback.

    Give it to someone else if you draw my number, but know that I thank you so much. I’m not sure I’d be here if it weren’t for you. Thank you, Jenny. ❤

    Like

  307. 2308
    Leah L.

    Okay, I’m going to bring the sad. I bought your book on e-Reader. I’ve moved from my old school to a new teaching job and your book helped me find my feet in my new staff. Then, last week, one of my favorite former students killed herself. Her best friend is struggling to see the light for the darkness. I keep telling her that depression lies. I think she needs to read your book. I’d love to pass this on to her with a red dress. Help me out?

    Like

  308. My husband affectionately nicknamed me Deelzebub.

    Like

  309. Your dad is my dad’s taxidermist. I’m not kidding. My family lives in San Angelo. That makes us kind of like family, so I hope I can get an autographed copy of your book.

    Like

  310. 2311
    Emily Young

    My cats are names Eve, Autumn, Dinah, and Dexter (in order of coming home). I didn’t notice that Autumn and Eve sound like Adam and Eve but I decided I like it. It reminds me of that silly Adam and Steve anti-marriage equality nonsense. Eve just seemed like a simple, sweet name. Autumn came pre-named but I liked it. Dinah was originally Magenta, but she isn’t a Rocky Horror kind of cat. I decided she an Alice in Wonderland kind of cat. Dexter was originally named Noodles. The boy has a big belly, but I like Dexter better!

    Like

  311. 2312
    Alie Bear

    My husband might disown me if I got another book, and there are already over 2000 comments but … I wanted a chance to share my pet name for my belly button😉 His name is Pete and he is a space pirate. After my son was born I told my husband that we had to name his belly button Pete Jr. since they used to be connected. And he agreed. We might be a little weird but at least we have each other. (Our poor son and Pete Jr., they never had a chance …)

    Like

  312. Somewhere on YouTube, there is a video of a cat dressed like a shark, riding on a Roomba, chasing a duck.

    Really.

    Like

  313. so when I got my copy of the book, I got one for my sister as well. It may well have been the first time ever that she’s made a point of calling again after actually using/reading a present to say how awesome it was. Love this tribe!

    Like

  314. you are awesomely hysterical…I so needed this book…loved it and it made me laugh harder than anything I have ever written…would love to own a copy and read it in a british accent!

    Like

  315. 2316
    Allison G.

    So, I’ve been really stressed recently and I don’t think my body can take being put on ANOTHER brain chemistry altering drug, so getting a free copy of your book would probably be just as effective at this point. So, I would like to calmly request one of these books with an extra chapter-that-wasn’t-in-the-kindle-version-I-ordered-when-it-came-out-and-I-wish-I-knew-what-was-in-that-chapter. PLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAASE?!?!?!?

    Like

  316. 2317
    vicki trattar

    I was raised by velociraptors and survived. This was quite a feat since they tend to eat their young. If I should happen to win, should you please autograph the book on page 88? Some people think I have had a lifetime of good luck surviving the velociraptors and don’t deserve to win a book, too. Surviving was a great thing but my self esteem has suffered tremendously. I find the blue color quite soothing. I do know how to read (no one is writing this for me.) If I win I will take a Greyhound Bus ride somewhere and read your book aloud to the captive audience.

    Like

  317. How many bodies can I fit under my bed? Depends on whether they are pureed or frapped.

    Like

  318. 2319
    Amber flora

    My least favorite toe is my pinky toe on my right foot because it is twisted!

    Like

  319. I had a dream that I left a comment on your blog and called you the wrong name. For some reason this was not only embarrassing, but also caused me to be in some kind of danger. The weird part? I called you Tara. That’s my name.

    Like

  320. 2321
    Christina

    I can’t fit any bodies under my bed due to the massive amount of cat toys my tabby Mayhem has stashed there. If I could safety remove the catnip balls, feathers and crunchy tube without losing my face, I would be happy to loan you the space under my bed for a body.

    Like

  321. 2322
    Rebecca Cosby

    Does the book come with one of the cow eyeballs?

    Like

  322. 2323
    mb giroux

    aside from the fact that i LOVE this book and would love a copy of it, can i get a glass eyeball too (or do we not get one of those)… if not, damn, that sucks… i mean, i still want the book – yay – but, awww about the glass eyeball…

    Like

  323. 2324
    Sarah P

    I’m in!

    Like

  324. Thanks for writing! Reading your blog is one of the best parts of my day! You also unknowingly helped me through some rough times. OH! And I see Beyonces everywhere! I’ve been meaning to send you a picture of a Beyonce I saw in Door County, WI.

    Congrats on the UK copy of your book!

    Like

    Ashley C. recently posted FYI: Beltane – A Pagan Celebration.

  325. 2326
    Gracie Lace

    I would love to tell you about how fantastic it would be to win a copy of your spiffy looking UK edition of your book ( it’d go right next to my US copy), but I’m a bit busy trying to convert my cupboard under the stairs into an adequate room to house David Tennant and Matthew Grey Gubler once I figure out the best way to go about kidnapping the two. So far, I’m thinking I might just invite the two over for tea and a Golden Girls marathon. Maybe stage a zombie apocalypse to make them stay? Start an actual zombie apocalypse? I think it might work. What do you think?… Maybe I should go back to the drawing board?

    P.S. I’d love a copy of your book!

    Like

  326. If you ever walk into a bar and there’s human ears nailed to the wall, don’t pass out there.

    Like

  327. My brother-in-law is an optometrist… he collects glass eyes. True story.

    Like

  328. Awesome! Would love a copy…. especially a posh, British copy. What makes it different, do you think? In other news, I was just contemplating writing “STOP COMPLAINING” on the back of my hand as a reminder.

    Like

    kara recently posted Racing, Riding.

  329. I want! No body part names, though reading everyone elses is fun

    Like

    Liz recently posted Texas Bluebonnets.

  330. 2331
    staceyc

    Glass eye balls make me think of David Sedaris and his brilliant essay about looking for a taxidermy owl for his partner…..and the bowl of glass eyes on the counter at the shop he visited. If you haven’t read it, it’s seriously funny! http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2012/10/22/121022fa_fact_sedaris

    Like

  331. 2332
    karenlee

    Well if they were truly glass eyeballs, being that I like to play with sharp objects in my spare time, I would be creating artwork with them. Kaleidoscopes with an eyeball on the end (dependent clarity) surely wouldn’t freak anyone out too much right?? Or a large metal sea creature with numerous eyes protruding from the yard, could be managed one would think. All one would truly need would be a little creative ability, blow torch, soldering iron, lead and a little glass. Through the neighbors are kind of noisy I think they would kind of get the hint pretty quickly that there is less coming out then there is going in. It also helps that the “fam” is from Wisconsin and has been building a great back story about family associations to for years. Just saying

    Like

  332. I should totally win because I just found out I’m PREGNANT with Baby #2!!! I’ll need some kickass reading material for my fat butt in the near future. Or just a book to beat Child #1 with in order to keep my sanity. Totally kidding about the beating part….unless of course you think it will help. 😉

    Like

  333. Today our pet Luigi, the plecostamus(“Woah-pot-a-must” as the 4 year old called him), died!!!! I had to explain that fish do not normally live as long as their owners. After suggesting we get a replacement, the 6 yr old misheard “We were putting the fish in the basement!”…and that started a panic before leaving for school, that included tears. More tears then were shed for the dead fish!!

    Like

  334. 2335
    Crystal

    Honey, you are a worldwide phenom. My friend who lives in Australia turned me onto your blog, which is sad because I live in Texas and come from Houston! Congrats, sweetie on all your blessings.

    Like

  335. I decided today that my boss is an evil version of Elmo. If Elmo had a not-evil version. I would love a copy of your British book.

    Like

    Melissa Marie recently posted Elmo's World.

  336. A copy of your book would make my day!

    Like

  337. 2338
    Kristin

    I have been a tribe “member” since your original “Beyonce the Chicken” post… And you have thankfully kept, me entertained ever since… I can always count on your posts to randomly make me laugh out loud. Now for not as interesting news…
    Not sure if my long toe is my fave or my short toe!
    I don’t name my body parts except for “Sparky”… He is my pacemaker that I have had for 10 years and since he is implanted in my body, he is a part of me… so I named him… Ya know… Like a cat, a dog or a car. I figured that Sparky was a very fitting name…
    No glass eyeballs here…
    If you are ever in the Hampton Roads area… Chesapeake/ VA Beach… I’d love to have ya over and we can scope out a good place for a Beyonce of my own… We have over 3 acres, so a Beyonce is NEEDED!

    Like

  338. How many glass eyes would one need to own to bring to the average glass eyeballs per person up to one?

    Like

  339. Bok Choy flamingo water scooter elephant

    You did say “anything,” right?

    Like

  340. 2341
    Amber R

    The space under my bed is fairly large…I could probably fit a lot of dead bodies under there. But I don’t think I could sleep with the smell!

    Like

  341. I can’t wait to read it your book (but I have to get through the semester first…)

    Like

  342. This would be an awesome birthday present for me! (which btw is on Saturday)

    Like

  343. That unicorn-woman make-out session on Twitter was just strange.

    Like

  344. 2345
    Michelle Kaston

    I need the new cover, I already have the other on my hardback version. And yeah, I know it’s a bit OCD, but seriously, can I specifically order the paperback with this cover? It will make me so happy that I might be able to go for literally days without wanting to kill anyone!

    Like

  345. My right areola is growing eyelashes. That’s normal, right? I’m hoping that’s in the new chapter.

    Like

  346. 2347
    Brittany

    I like turtles.

    Like

  347. I would love a copy! I’m from Texas, too, so does that give me bonus points? I’m from near San Angelo, if that helps at all.😉

    Like

  348. My cat’s name is Tiny Cat and she’s my cross-eyed little derposaurus.

    Like

  349. I adore this book. I adore your blog. I also adore owls that wear top hats and monocles (random bit there)!

    Like

    Shannon recently posted My Weekend In Pictures.

  350. 2351
    Nichole

    One of my co-workers was out with her boyfriend this Sunday when they discovered a fox den. One of the baby foxes had been hit by a car and had died. After watching for awhile, the boyfriend picked up the dead baby fox and put it on the roof of the car so he could get it stuffed. (sidenote: This will take 10 months [waiting list?] and cost ~$450!) My co-worker is horrified that this stuffed fox will now be residing in her house for the rest of her life. I introduced her to your blog and now she plans on dressing up the fox to make it less (?) creepy. Everyone is a winner! (The last statement will really be true if I’m randomly chosen to win an autographed book!)

    Like

  351. 2352
    KristenSue

    In 6th grade, I had a friend spending the night. Well, my mom was a teacher, so we stayed late with her that afternoon. For a fun start-the-sleep-over activity, we went to the science teacher across the hall and she let us dissect a REAL cow eyeball. It was cool in the way that 6th grade kids think dead cow eyeballs are cool. We took the lens home and put it in a little cup of jelly, you know, to keep it moist.

    Like

  352. I’d love a copy of the book, but the eyeballs would be way cooler!

    Like

  353. So, we just moved to Texas from Wisconsin, we’ve noticed our dog’s poop keeps disappearing. We’re trying to be responsible and pick it up, but there’s none to be found. My husband says it must be dung beetles, but I suspect one of our neighbors is climbing over the fence at night and stealing it. Or maybe the weather change shifted something in his system and it really is disappearing poo.

    Like

  354. If you really do ever get a box of glass cow eyeballs you should autograph them for a giveaway. Or give them out as a special limited edition surprise with your next book…like Willy Wonka’s Golden Ticket, but with eyeballs instead of chocolate

    Like

    Stacey recently posted Assmonkeys wanted.

  355. Comment

    Like

  356. I would adore a copy of your book!

    Like

  357. PIck me! Please?

    Like

  358. Yay! UK version!

    Like

  359. 2360
    Jennifer

    When I was in the 1st grade, a boy in my class had a glass eye. Nobody really knew what was up with it; he just had one eye that looked funny. UNTIL one day when it just popped out. Yeah, I know, right? So he opens the empty socket – I can still see it vividly 40 years removed from it. The glass eye was just rolling on his desk, and I guess the teacher must have told him to put it back in (wth?), so he puts it in HIS MOUTH to clean it off (?) and then popped it back in the socket. I was freaked out about that kid forever after.

    Like

  360. Comment on anything? Ok, here goes.
    So the Washington Post Newspaper just ran this really interesting article on Jamestown, the second settlement in the New World. (The Roanoke or Lost Colony being first, Plymouth 3rd) (<<<freebie American History reminder).
    So, there were some remains recently discovered in the Fort in an archeological dig. Human remains. Of a 14 year old girl. And they show some interesting signs of, ummm, cannibalism. Yes, you read that right. Cannibalism. Forensic anthropologists at the Smithsonian did some really interesting research and have some compelling scientific evidence to show it. CSI has nothing on real life. and death. And they also have her picture. Because there was enough of her skull left over that with computer imaging and some really good guesswork based on historical data, they made a replica of what she would have looked like. Before the Time of Starving when 80% of the colonist died.
    read the article and see the photo here-
    http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/skeleton-of-teenage-girl-confirms-cannibalism-at-jamestown-colony/2013/05/01/5af5b474-b1dc-11e2-9a98-4be1688d7d84_story.html

    and then read the comments. there are over 2k right now. that's the kind of number usually seen on some kind of political article. the comments are both candid and outrageous, funny and juvenile, and i can't stop reading them. Poor taste (YES, i went there), morbid, and mesmerizing.

    Like

  361. At least two

    Like

  362. I currently have something of a “trick toe”. I seem to have given myself a case of turf toe back in January while training for a half marathon. Got it nearly well after several weeks, and I’ll be darned if I didn’t slip getting into the shower, stub it and sprain it again. Now it randomly makes a really loud popping/cracking noise.

    You haven’t lived until you’ve been sitting in a meeting in your lovely, stylish sandals on one of the first warm days of spring, wiggle your big toe and have it unexpectedly emit a crack like a shotgun going off. I almost expected people to dive under the desk.

    Like

  363. There was a kid in one of my high school classes who had a glass eye. Only none of us knew that at first. One day we all had to do a short paper on something important to us, and if possible bring the item in, kind of a high-school version of show-and-tell. So my classmate walks up to the front of the room, holding his paper, turns to us… AND PULLS HIS EYEBALL OUT OF THE SOCKET. A second later he says “I wrote about my glass eye…”

    I’m pretty sure most of us almost had heart attacks, but it was pretty amazing.

    Like

    Katy recently posted January 26, 2013 - Red Rocks, Morrison Cemetery, Mt. Vernon Cemetery.

  364. There is a giant fly buzzing about my bedroom and it is deeply annoying. Please give me your book.

    Like

  365. 2366
    Nicole B

    want!:)
    please? :::pout:::
    this would help me feel just a little less stabby after a “we have let our bodies get a little out of control. we are chubby motherf***ers with chubby cats” comment yesterday which clearly meant (replace every “we” with “you”) yesterday.
    me winning a book + less stabby = everybody wins!

    it’d be totes mcgotes sweet to have a “cousin from across the pond” version of the paperback under my roof.

    thanks muchly!

    Like

  366. 2367
    Amy Bridges

    I love everything about you! I hope I win! But not in some cosmic way in which I win this and that means I don’t win the lottery, because let’s face it — if i won the lottery I could buy your book, fly to your house and bribe you to sign it for me.

    Like

  367. 2368
    Tiffany

    Cow eyeballs? Yes, please.

    Like

  368. Just curious but why did the cover change for the UK release? And another question… when you are in a room socializing with others with anxiety disorder, do you feel normal?

    (Not really sure about the answer to the first question. On the second, I never feel normal, but it’s nice to be around people who understand. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  369. 2370
    Michelle

    Considering that my one cat has torn her way into (yes, INTO) the boxspring from the underside and goes scratching around in there, I would be less likely to rely on the space under the bed for my dead body storage. Dunno where else I would put them, though.

    Like

  370. I’d love to read the book!

    Like

  371. So I found a stuffed rooster at our local antique shop a couple of weeks ago. Actually, my husband found it, because he’s much taller than me, so it was nearly at eye level for him. At least, the wicked sharp claws were at eye level for him. He successfully navigated past the claws, nudged me, and said, “Hey look, it’s a stuffed rooster. We should send that to the Bloggess.” So I took a picture of it, and now I just have to get it off my phone and send it to you. The picture, I mean. Not the actual rooster. That shit was $200, and while I love you, I think we need 200 smackaroos more than the rooster needs a home.

    Like

  372. 2373
    Rebekah Mae

    Why couldn’t the American books have awesome font like that?!

    Like

  373. Free cow eyeball?? Free book?? Either way it sounds like a win-win situation. I’m in college so free anything is ALWAYS a win. Plus I’d just love a copy of your book. Or cow eyeballs. Really both are pretty awesome.

    Like

  374. I wrote and award winning comment, then pretended that it never happened, and then, poof, it did never happen. Now, I feel all time travelly and in the mood to coin words.

    Like

    Geoff Johnston recently posted I Double Dog Dare You.

  375. 2376
    Jan Cooper

    I hope that was a REALLY big box…

    Like

  376. 2377
    Meghan A.

    So, I’m not positive that this is a good thing, but I’m slowly introducing my future husband to your blog. I’m trying to convince him that I’m as awesome as you are.

    Like

  377. When I was a junior in highschool I had my pubes shaped into a heart and dyed pink. Just thought you might giggle at this.

    Like

  378. 2379
    Michelle

    So my mom started this tradition of getting books autographed for my daughter, which is cute and everything, but also bizarre because not only is a little girl not particularly interested in reading a politicians views on the current economic state, but by the time it might be relevant to her interests it will be chronologically irrelevant unless she becomes a niche historian focusing on the years of her birth. But I wouldn’t give this book to my daughter if I won, because I’m selfish and like having things that are mine. I’ll let her read it when she’s slightly older than four. And maybe when I die it will go into her bizarre collection of autographed books. (A memoir about the Tuskegee airmen? That SCREAMS four-year-old to me, mom. Yes.)

    Like

  379. 2380
    GretaMae

    My best friend named her most recent rescue dog ‘Beyonce the Giant Metal Chicken’. And I’d love to win a copy of your book. Fact.

    Like

  380. 2381
    Amanda Green

    I am a teacher, and I thought I would comment on my favorite children’s book of ALL time! Safety Can Be Fun by Munro Leaf. Seriously, check it out…Read-alouds will never be the same……unless I got a copy of your book….hint hint

    Like

  381. Usually I read all of the posts; 2350, I think not!

    As much as I would love a copy, I think they should go to addresses the British Isles. They have a harder time seeing you in person (I am in SATX, so I’m not trying to skew the odds)

    Like

  382. 2383
    michellem

    I would love to own a copy of your book. I borrowed it from the library the first time and would love to read it again and be a proud owner of the book:)

    Like

  383. 2384
    Shortstuff

    Wow! That’s a lot of comments! I’ll throw my hat in the pool too!
    I am in assisted living and one of my caregivers named “the girls” Laverne & Shirley. Ok, why not?

    Like

  384. It’s funny you mentioned toes. My husband snores every night, so I leave my toenails kind of sharp. When he snores, I scratch him and he violently wakes up thinking he is getting attacked by a cat.

    I pretend I’m sleeping….

    Like

  385. HI JENNY!!!!!
    LOOK AT THIS COMMENT!!!!!
    Ok, now that I have your attention….
    Love both covers (Hamlet is cute)!
    This cover looks so artsy!
    It would be great if I could use the extra chapter for my English culminating project… (I borrowed the hard copy from my library) (And we’ve already discussed this before by email).

    PEACE OUT!!!!
    (again)

    Like

  386. I like the book cover!

    You mentioned toes. I call my pinky toes “afterthought toes” because they are ridiculously small. They practically hide under the toe next to them. I think they are shy.

    Like

  387. 2388
    Marjorie Leonard

    17 purples. And for sure, eleventy-nine burtle beetle thoraxes (thoraces?) Dammit, what is the plural form of thorax? And then fur of the peanut butter melted in the pan with two slices of bread and a chocolate drizzle. Did I just have a stroke? Oh no. I just want the book. Comment, comment, comment…..and scene.

    Like

  388. 2389
    Robin Ayala

    My two older daughters spent the better part of two weeks searching for a Beyonce for my birthday, sadly they had no luck. Even sadder, they didn’t even think to buy me your book which I ASKED for!! Sigh!!!!

    Like

  389. 2390
    Sharon Ellis

    I broke my middle toe nearly two months ago and the freaking thing still hurts! It didn’t get broken because I was attacked by a giant metal chicken or a fake cow eyeball or anything interesting. I’m just clumsy and smacked it on a wrought iron post as I was going down the stairs and trying not to trip over my meowing overweight cat who wanted me to feed him. Sometimes I think we should replace that wrought iron stair railing with one made from foam rubber which would probably be stupid but at least it wouldn’t hurt when I bang my knees or my toes on it.

    Like

  390. If I moved the guitars I could probably fit 3 bodies under my bed.

    Like

  391. 2392
    Tami Daniel

    No glass eyeballs but when I was a little girl my best friend & her older sister peeled two grapes & when I came over my BFF told me her sister was dead & showed me the grapes & convinced me they were her eyeballs!!!!! I was such a dramatic, gullible child!!!!

    Like

  392. I don’t have anything funny to say but I would love to win your book! I am kind of sad it won’t have the dead mouse on the front though…:)

    Like

  393. I think this tribe needs a name…

    Like

  394. Love this blog. Love the book. Love the support this crew gives each other. Love the snark.

    Like

  395. Please tell me exactly WHY the UK cover is so much more awesome than the Cmerican/Canadian version?

    Also my favourite toe is my middle toe. It(they… forgot i had two.. duh two feet) never ever gives me problems, ever. My pinky toe and my second toe(the one beside the big toe) are my least favourite toes. Just in case you were wondering….

    Maybe you should make another country version of the cover and put a glass eyeball on the cover.

    Also you should pimp out all your credit cards so theyre all sparkly then whenever you buy a dead animal carcass off of ebay it will be a magical rainbow of excitement… well more so than before.

    Also you should get another dog.

    Like

    Marvelous Meghan recently posted Yay!.

  396. Well, I own the hardcover, but it’s in storage because I decided to move from Houston back to Seattle where I hope to find work (couldn’t in Houston, after 4 years). So I can’t share the book with my friends, who obviously need to be convinced. I want the extra chapter(s), too; I’m feeling bereft without them. So if I win a copy of the book, I can read the extra stuff, then share the book around with my Seattle friends! (And then get it back because, hey, it will have your autograph!)

    Like

    Skye recently posted Stuck to Unstuck? My New Journey.

  397. Love your blog. Love your book. I would happily join this tribe.

    Like

  398. Here’s a joke: What did the elephant say to the naked man? It’s cute, but can you really breathe with that?

    Like

  399. I want one! If i get one I’ll totally carry glass eyes in a jar to work as celebration.

    Or marbles.

    Like

  400. Whatev. I never win this shit anyway, but I keep trying, even though it’s more likely I will be stuck 5 times by lightening, because I always think that I might win and I will never have to work again. No..wait. That’s Powerball. What am I supposed to be winning here again? I forgot after 2300 random posts. Some sort of named body part? Yeah, still. I never win anyway. But if I do I hope it’s a good and valuable body part I can sell so I’ll never have to work again.

    Like

    Sarah recently posted Life Goes On.

  401. 2402
    Elizabeth K

    Well, you already have a boatload of comments on here, so I don’t think I’ll win anything. But I want to join in the fun! My favorite toe is my fourth toe on my left foot. Because my toenail grows weird on that one.

    Like

  402. the other half and i are in the process of buying a house. the other night, we were making a list of things we need to get for the house, and i had written “guard chicken” on my list. you know, because what else to guard my little garden than a 6 foot tall metal chicken. his response? “we’re going to be THOSE neighbors, aren’t we?” yes dear, we are.

    Like

  403. I found out tonight that a friend of mine has heard of neither your blog nor your book. We need to rectify this.

    Like

  404. 2405
    Julie H

    I bought your book as an e-book and I would love a real life copy! Especially signed by you!!!:)

    Like

  405. 2406
    Melissa

    I just finished reading the book today (first non-text book in a year!) and I just have to say: you are totally not the only one who has had the jesus/zombie talk with her significant other. Also, loved the book as much as I love the blog!

    Like

  406. 2407
    Kristin

    My best birthday gift ever, was a medium metal chicken we call JJ. The giver of the chicken is chronically ill and had a “sick spell” recently so JJ made a trek to the givers’ house to cheer her up with a feather-rousing game of cards.

    Like

  407. You’re funny. You’re imaginary friend.

    Like

  408. If I win, will you wrap the package in twine?1

    Like

  409. 2410
    Kristen Ojeda

    Ok, if I win, I am totally giving the book to my brother who now has a flock of chickens. (I am not sure if multiple chickens make a flock, but go with it.) Their names are, Vindaloo, Parmigiana, Fried, Marsala. Before this flock, he had two named Daisy and Duke….

    Like

  410. I’d really love an autographed copy! So if I win I will tell you all about the time I went out for a part for the dishwater and came home with a Guinea Pig. Or the time I went out for maternity clothes and came home with a dog. I have a problem…

    Like

  411. I wish I was witty and had something interesting to say, but nope. I just really REALLY want a copy of your book!

    Like

  412. So many comments it crashed my browser. I would love a copy though. But I am amazed at the amount of comments already. Harsh competition! I wish I could scroll and read them all but even my phones browser isn’t too happy on the page😦

    Like

  413. I want one. And I’m cheap…
    So this would work out perfectly for me.

    Like

  414. Laughing like a lunatic while listening to the audio book on my morning walk. A pleasure beyond measure. Thank you! h

    Like

  415. You sound a tad bit dangerous in British accent. It’s kind of hot.

    On a serious note though? I am one of those many many people who stumbled upon on your blog in 2012 after reading about your book in Oprah’s book club site. I remember looking for a good book to read, but I’m in India and I couldn’t afford your book just then. So I started reading your blog, because I thought you’d be like “My Family And Other Animals”😛 But what I discovered was something so ridiculously baffling and awesome that I was hooked. Later, when my boyfriend gifted your book to me on our anniversary(Dec, 2012) it was like getting to know an old friend even better. I could relate to so many things! And I have never had to look for any sites for good books to read. You’ve got such wonderful suggestions of your own…you introduced me to Ray Bradbury and Neil Gaiman. And for that I’m very *very* thankful. The dark side is a brilliant place, and I don’t live in fear of it anymore, thanks to you m/

    Like

    Miss Gee recently posted Turn Off the lights. Turn Everything Off Till It Gets Cooler. Please?.

  416. My car is named Greta (the green Grand Prix), I have 3 cats-Ben, Jerry and Shelby. Shelby had to be Shelby because Ben and Jerry(‘s) never mention another partner and she is a long haired tortie. I don’t have any taxidermied anything but I did see a small version of Beyonce` at the Cleveland home and garden show a couple months ago. That’s all I got. Love your blog Jenny. You make my days brighter. Especially here in Cleveland Oh where winter lasts….well, forever. LOL

    Like

  417. I mean, I use around 3 vintage glass cow eyeballs a week, so in an average lifetime that’s about 10,920 vintage glass cow eyeballs. The more you know.

    Like

  418. Nathan Fillion may not be willing to do a silly thing like hold a ball of twine (and really, at this point, it would almost be disappointing if he caved, don’t you think?), but he does have all kinds of silliness in him. Check out this bit of awesomeness: http://youtu.be/9R6Ibz31DtE

    Like

  419. Not sure if anyone has mentioned this/linked it to you yet, Jenny, but Ke$ha kinda, slightly already made out with a unicorn in her Blow music video. Not sure if it restores your faith.😀 If anything, the video is amusing.

    http://tinyurl.com/cylu4j8

    Happens at about the 1:30 mark.

    Cheers,
    AgentBroccoli

    Like

  420. 2421
    Kelly A

    No souffle was ruined in the submitting of this comment.

    Like

  421. 2422
    Desiree

    Your cats are Awesome! I hope they are also in your book.:)

    Like

  422. Love all my toes really – is that okay?

    Like

  423. New to the Tribe, would love to read the book.

    Like

    Steph recently posted The Un-Amazing Motorcycle Ride.

  424. My least favourite toe is the one that’s bruised at the moment😦

    Like

  425. My friend Missy loaned me your book. It’s one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. Yes, this tribe . . . *evil shifty eyes* . . . it is goood. . .

    Like

    Visionary Bri recently posted Giveaway: The Dream Essentials Giveaway.

  426. 2427
    Christina

    My favorite toe belongs to my husband. He has an extra toenail that grows out of the middle of his toe.It is freaking awesome! Also, my oldest son has thumbs he can bend around to the BACKS of his hands and my younger son has not one, but TWO hitchiker thumbs. Too bad 7 is too young for hitching rides. People would definitely stop for that. I know I would!

    Like

  427. 2428
    Kimberly B

    Please pick me!!! I already have your book and have read it thru 3 times, but I don’t have an autographed book! And if I got the autograph book, then I could give my unautographed book to my friend! So everybody wins! And if you don’t pick me I’m going to hold my breath until my head explodes!

    Like

  428. 2429
    Minnesota Red

    Wow — you are pretty lucky to have both those things!! I really would like a book, but I really would like a cow eyeball — I used to collect cow teeth when I visited my aunt on the dairy farm 40 years ago… found them in the cow graveyard and ripped them right out of the jawbones, then brushed them with an old toothbrush. I wish I still had them.

    Like

  429. 2430
    Bonnie Scott

    My favourite toe this week is the big one on the left, currently sporting un-smudged lilac coloured polish with a daisy sticker. Very springy- I’ve been looking at it lots during the last few days of snow and record lows here in Alberta Canada.

    Like

  430. 2431
    Cynthia F

    No bodies could fit under my bed without cleaning out from under it first. Plus, the dust bunnies likely need to go, too, cause the bodies would be sneezing all night. Then I’d get no sleep. And I get silly when that happens.

    Now, I’d love to have the book, but I’m worried that Kimberly B’s head might explode (see above). Maybe I could become Kimberly B’s friend if she wins, so she can give me the book.

    Like

  431. I’d love a copy of this version!! I have the hardcover but my daughter has high-jacked it!! I’ll need something to get me through our second move in 14 months!! Gotta love army life!

    Like

  432. Love it need it want it please!

    Like

  433. I want to win!! SO MUCH! I’ve been a fan since you & Mindy were writing “Good Mom/Bad Mom”! And also I had something witty to say, but because it was witty, now I can’t remember. OF COURSE.

    Did you know that there’s a picture of Nathan Fillion giving Wil Wheaton a peck on the cheek? It’s almost like that Kevin Bacon game! Twineception or something! Right here:

    For the record, my husband told me about the picture. Because I made him read….everything having to do with that little thing. And when he saw this pic, he thought of you, which is totally sweet on his part. =)

    Like

  434. It’s my birthday, and i think that this would make a fantastic birthday present, don’t you?:)

    Like

  435. I’ve been on the search for some good taxidermy animals in west Texas. Any suggestions?

    Like

  436. 2437
    Melissa

    Today I found a super long white hair growing out of my mom’s neck. She had just arrived for a week long visit and now she said I made her feel like a troll. Which is exactly why I didn’t tell her that there was a shorter, black hair growing out of the other side of her neck. One hair at a time, people.

    Like

  437. A normal person probably doesn’t use *any* glass eyes in their lifetime. An awesome person, however, uses as many as they possibly can.

    Like

    DK recently posted File This Under Y.

  438. 2439
    Johanna

    I’m moving to Austin soon…you give me hope that there’s a tribe of people there for me to join. You know, the smart, sarcastic tribe who avoids running like the plague.

    Like

  439. 2440
    Kelli C

    Today I said to myself.. “Self.. is 9:30 in the morning too early for corn dogs?”

    Spoiler alert: It wasn’t.

    Like

  440. I’d love a copy! And I think I could comfortably squeeze 5 or 6 dead bodies under my bed, as long as I got them into spooning positions before rigour mortis set in

    Like

  441. Your favorite toe. The pet names of your body parts. How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime. The number of bodies you can fit under your bed.

    My answer is 4. My favorite toe is my fourth. I call one of my body parts “four”. Glass eyeballs: four. And yep, bodies that can fit under the bed… 4 (as long as they aren’t too terribly tall).

    So there ya go!

    Like

  442. It makes me look at the taxidermy animals in the army surplus store in a whole new light.

    Like

  443. Very nice cover art! And I’ve had my most productive day at my office today! Feeling really good!

    Like

  444. I can’t leave toenail clippers lying around my house because when I see them I imagine someone clipping my teeth with them, and it freaks me out. If I am clipping my toenails it is no big deal, I don’t think about it. I also freak out about “popping” cans of dough……I knew you would understand.

    Like

  445. I totally thought the books in your photo moved. But yesterday, I also thought I saw a man walking a rooster on a leash while I was driving home. Turns out he was edging his lawn. I may need a vacation. Or glasses…or maybe glass cow eyeballs!

    May I please have a book?

    Like

    TriGirl recently posted THUMBS UP!.

  446. 2447
    Michelle Michitsch

    I would love a copy of your book. I don’t know anything about glass eyes, except they are not as round as you would think. And my friend’s brother makes them ( how is that for a job) and if you pick me I can get you his number and maybe you could have a tour.

    Like

  447. 2448
    Shananigans

    I have a glass eyeball story! While getting my degree to be a speech therapist, I had a student who had a glass eye. One day he decided to take it out and throw it across the room. After he chucked his eyeball, he stuck his pointer finger in the socket and played with the empty hole. My fellow therapist in training was still working hard trying to get the student to imitate a word while I searched for the eyeball. She had her mouth open, when our one-eyed friend took his finger out of the socket and stuck it in her mouth! She just sat there, in shock, with her tongue hanging out, and saying “uh uhuh,” which probably meant “Holy Shit!” I was laughing at her yelling, “Go wash your tongue!” In hindsight, maybe not the most professional response.
    If that isn’t good enough to win a book, let me know, because believe it or not I have another eye ball story!
    Kind of weird for a speech therapist huh!
    Besides, I too was forced to wear plastic bread bags on my feet for snow boots. I share your pain!

    Like

  448. I just spent a half-hour trying to get eggs out from under a chicken who was *growling* at me. She sounded like a mastiff. Also she pecked the shit out of my hand. AND THEN I discovered that she had been stealing all the other chickens’ eggs, so I had been all “What’s wrong with you chickens? Earn your keep, dammit!” and the other chickens were probably thinking “But I was sure I laid an egg over there this morning…” She was sitting on 17 eggs. And I don’t have a rooster.

    Like

  449. Any comment will do? Then may I pose the question: does anyone else consider how many bodies will fit in the trunk before buying a new car?

    Or is it just me…?

    Like

  450. Do we have to read it in a British accent? Because I could totally do that.

    Like

    jennie lynn recently posted Reasons to Walk Your Kids to School (Extremely Cursey).

  451. 2452
    Ashlee Mayfield

    It’s my friends birthday next week, and I am searching EVERYWHERE to find a giant chicken to put in her classroom (she’s a teacher) as a surprise. Since I can’t find a chicken (yet) a book would be a pretty awesome 2nd, of course she wouldn’t know it was 2nd, she would just be happy.

    Like

  452. While I’m guessing this has already been alluded to somewhere else in this intimidating thread of entries, I’m choosing this time for my first comment on your blog, in large part because I’d prefer a copy that likely uses “grey” instead of “gray.” It’s ever so much more sophisticated, and I demand a certain level of sophistication in my life. That’s why my glass eyeballs are handcrafted by local artisans.

    Like

  453. Well, I spent the whole time scrolling through this comment feed trying to A. find inspiration for a witty comment and B. to find the “add comment” button when I realized it was at the top. Two-thousand and twenty four comments later I better get a book for this.

    Like

    Genna recently posted Funny thing.

  454. 2455
    caligirl42

    Report of 1 May 2013
    Red wine consumed: check
    Antidepressant & anxiety medication consumed: check
    Chocolate chip cookies consumed: check
    TV/Bloggess crossover of the day: check

    Watching a PBS special of horses – very fancy Lipizzaner white stallions – the narrator had just compared them to UNICORNS and then I checked the BEST blog ever and what to my wondering eyes should appear but visions of snogging Unicorn art masterpieces!

    Thank you

    I heart Bloggess!!

    P.S. Now the young horses are smelling each others poo… not very dignified.

    Like

  455. Lucky 2424! And have I mentioned that I lvoe you? Does that help?

    Like

    Tara recently posted A woman of a certain age.

  456. 2457
    Jenny from the block

    You rock my socks. I agree. Raw meat totally smells like blood. AND there is TOTALLY something wrong with that. I mean, walking into a deer carcass is traumatic… right?

    Like

  457. 2458
    Starwefter

    So, I’m going to comment because I just bought my copy from Amazon (and am on page 315) but want a copy to give away to my best friend who totally needs to know about you. And I want to keep my copy. Or maybe keep the autographed copy and give her my copy. Whichever.

    My comment is actually that my parents were good friends with a couple who bought a house that must have once belonged to a time lord because the basement was larger inside than on the outside. The ground floor was normal, but the basement — well, you went back as far as it should have reached and then you went back that far again; it was twice as big on the inside as on the outside. We all experienced this.

    I wonder why a time lord would move out and leave his T.A.R.D.I.S. behind? Perhaps he was coming back for it later? Or it was one of those odd time paradox things? Dunno……

    Like

  458. I’m not quite sure how many bodies I could fit under my bed, there is so much junk under there it’s possible that there are a few bodies under there and I’d never know it. If I get a book I promise to at least read it before it ends up with the bodies under the bed.

    Like

  459. I work for a government agency that you recently mentioned in a post about a taxidermied robot mouse. I snorted out loud when I read that post on my bus ride into work. Think I may have scared the fella sitting next to me. I got to work and printed (with a tiny bit of expletive censorship) and posted it for my fellow cube dwellers to enjoy. Thank you for truly laugh out loud moments.

    Like

  460. 2461
    Meagan F.

    I would LOVE LOVE LOVE an autographed copy!!!

    In other news, have you ever noticed that the UK versions of books have more colorful cover art than their American counterparts? I wonder why that is, and whether Capt. Jack has anything to do with it??

    Like

  461. 2462
    Tiffszoo

    Holy Sh*t!! That was A LOT of friggin scrolling…but TOTALLY worth it…especially if I win a book:)

    Like

  462. You know… friends will help you move but real friends will help you move bodies. I read your book, loved it, that quote might come in handy.

    Like

  463. I read a blog that goes along with the best Canadian indie music radio station: CBC Radio 3

    People comment on the blog as the show airs… Today people got commenting about books… And YOU were mentioned! In a good way. But with no unicorns.

    http://music.cbc.ca/blogs/blogpost.aspx?modPageName=&year=2013&month=5&title=ASK-GRANT-host-Grant-Lawrence-answers-your-burning-questions&permalink=/blogs/2013/5/ASK-GRANT-host-Grant-Lawrence-answers-your-burning-questions

    Like

  464. I had lunch with you once. At a BlogHer. At a Ragu-hosted event.

    Oh, and I hung out in a hotel room with you and some other folks – a time which we later referred to as “BlowHer.” Except no one was blown (while I was in the room anyway).

    Just some fun memories I have of you, and I want to win a book.

    Like

    Lara recently posted Six Years of Life.

  465. I would tell you what my fave toe is but I am currently working on a peace deal between the Big Toe (The Fumb, if you will) and the Second Toe. The Second Toe is trying to take over, she’s already taller. It’s a little tense down there right now. Hopefully a pedicure will ease the tensions. Btw – I adore your book and have never laughed out loud so much when reading the way I did when reading it (after I stole i back from my husband who started reading my copy before I had a chance to)

    Like

  466. 2467
    Starwefter

    (And even if I don’t win, I wanted you to know about the house…..)

    Like

  467. I went on a work trip to a friend’s hometown and planned to meet her dad for dinner one night. As he pulled up, she told me, “Don’t worry if it looks like he isn’t keeping his eyes on the road, the right one is glass.”

    Like

  468. 2469
    Heather

    I don’t have a favorite toe but I do find my daughter’s paddle toes to be extremely disturbing. I think she’s part duck but as I certainly did not engage in carnal relations with any fowl she must just be a genetic throwback to my husband’s neanderthal bones. Both of them have scary, scary feet.

    Like

  469. One time, I read about, heard about or possibly made up the idea of a coffee table with individual slots filled with glass eyeballs and then the whole thing covered with glass. You’d be having your coffee, mimosa, jam and crumpets with glass eyes looking up at you…AWESOME SAUCE! And I want!

    Oh, and I really want a book too. K.thx.bye.

    Like

  470. I would bloody love a copy and a glass eye please…I only have one.
    Carry on.
    Read with British accent.

    Like

  471. 2472
    Heather Sison

    If I don’t win…I’d settle for a glass cow eyeball….

    Like

  472. I don’t know if it’s my FAVORITE toe, but I have one that gets this really weird callous-like cuticle and when I natter over my feet I can dig a huge chunk of cuticle-ness right off my toe. It’s weird. And kinda gross. But kinda rewarding? Wait, forget I said that part. That’ll just be our little secret, okay?

    Like

    BrassyDel recently posted Beach Bum Brassy.

  473. A FOAF (friend of a friend) apparently used to refer to her vagina as Mary Margaret; I don’t remember the cutesy name her boyfriend had for his penis, but there were many jokes told about “going double-dating with Mary Margaret and _______”. I’m afraid I don’t have any clever names for mine, or any other body parts, for that matter, and I don’t have a favorite toe, either, as all of mine are shaped rather strangely. I’d have to move the boxes of old music magazines out from beneath my bed in order to fit any bodies in there (you might be able to get two, maybe three if they’re small people and squish together without too much trouble), and the number of glass cow eyeballs one needs depends on how often one uses them as balls on one’s pool table.

    (Oh, and if I win a copy of the book, I promise I’ll make you a batch of my A-list/Oscar-nominated-Actor-Approved Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Truffles dipped in dark Belgian chocolate (Trader Joe’s Pound Plus bars) the next time you’re in Boston; I’d mail them to you, but they need to be refrigerated most of the time, and I wouldn’t want you to get sick from eating spoiled truffles. You won’t get salmonella, mind you, because the truffles contain sweetened condensed milk in lieu of eggs. And no, I’m not telling you who the actor is until I actually have that autographed free book in my hot little hands…you’ll just have to wonder in the meantime.)

    Like

  474. I’d like a book and a glass eyeball please.

    Like

  475. My friends and I are so grateful we found you! We all thought we were the only ones. Glad to find a sister…”maybe just a case of misery loves company.”

    Like

  476. 2477
    grownupwords

    Love this book (and you). The only thing better than this book, would be a second copy that is autographed, duh.

    Like

  477. Today I found out what “haggis” is. No need to try it.

    Like

  478. 2479
    Lisa Higgs

    Not sure about bodies under my bed, but I do have a coyote skull that could use some glass eyeballs to make him look a bit more chipper.

    Like

  479. I could fit two small cats in the glove compartment of my car. Probably. I haven’t tested this yet. Be right back…

    Like

  480. 2481
    GTGalbraith

    I didn’t realize they made glass eyes for cows. Never really pictured Jerseys running with scissors. (That is the only way I know of to put an eye out.)

    Like

  481. I’ve bought three copies of the book and currently have none (gave two as gifts, loaned one out eternally, it seems). I very much want another copy, ESPECIALLY with the new chapter. Pick ME! PICK ME! PLEASE!:)

    Like

    Brenna recently posted The party scene.

  482. 2483
    Julie Cowan

    Truly Scrumptious…the name of my pet…oh no, not the pet name for a body part, just the name of my pet. She and I would love to sit on the couch together and read and laugh at your book together!

    Like

  483. Zero bodies under our bed; that’s where we keep our swords – you know, the instrument we use to get the bodies that we keep in the closet.

    Like

  484. Toes are disgusting. I don’t have a favorite.

    Like

  485. I need your book. My mother in law is flying over from the uk, and she will be living in our guest bedroom for 2 whole weeks. While our house is on the market & we’re negotiating with buyers and packing and trying not to poison her tea, because she realllllly thinks she is the queen of England and we should treat her as such. Hates all thing American, including me.

    I mean, the woman gave me a book about vinegar for my 35th birthday. You can’t make this stuff up.

    Like

  486. I want this just for that extra chapter.

    Like

    Monique recently posted Blogger Opp: Back to School Giveaway – $1000 in Gift Cards.

  487. 2488
    Eleanor

    I broke my glasses yesterday, so now I’m wearing my spare pair. The prescription is too strong, so everything seems way too close. The ground feels about 3 feet away and every time I took the stairs today I had to go very carefully because I couldn’t tell where things were. I had to kneel down on the sidewalk to tie my shoe and nearly fell over because I was very confused about where my body was in space. I think the guy sitting at the bus stop thought I was wasted out of my mind.

    Like

  488. Once a teacher colleague sent an email out to the whole school asking if anyone had seen a suction cup in a plastic bag…turns out it was what he used to take out his glass eyeball, an action he apparently does at school. It was hard to look him in the eye (the real one, not the glass one) after that.

    Like

  489. 2490
    Flora Bezerra

    !i’m still buying the kindle version, but i’d be honored to get a autographed copy! so please send me one❤

    Like

  490. I have been dreaming of taking an early retirement soon!! And what would be better than curling up in the afternoon with a tea and your book!!

    Like

  491. I love lamp

    Like

  492. 2493
    Manda Hardy

    Don’t need a copy of the book, just bought one last week! But thought I would comment to say you make me happy. xx

    Like

  493. Second toe on the right foot. The rest are bastards. True story.

    Like

  494. I just finished the hardcover. Does this version have the extra chapter?

    Like

  495. I’ve been typing so much today that I can no longer feel the littlest finger on my right hand. I need to stop typing and read (this version of your book). Then I can pass the other version that I originally purchased and read on to my sister and VIOLA! you will have a new fan. We’re from an area of Iowa that is VERY close to Missouri (i.e. we know all about taxidermy. My parents had a ‘jackalope’ hanging above the brown rotary phone in their home. The same phone that my sister kicked dog poo onto, unbeknownst to me, and I almost accidentally touched said poo to my mouth.) Anyhoo, I need to feel like a winner today. My ass is also numb. I’m a little worried about my neck, too. I would also take 5 glass cow eyeballs as a consolation prize.

    Like

    Johi Kokjohn-Wagner recently posted TMI Fridays: Funny is Family.

  496. A glass cow eyeball is pretty damn cool, but it certainly doesn’t hold a candle to your book.

    Like

  497. Woohoo for the tribe! And books!

    Like

    Sharon recently posted Pastoral Prayer for Today--Palm Sunday.

  498. 2499
    Megan W

    Wow! Good luck with the choosing. Would love a copy!!

    Related: pre-dinner excitement at our house = neighbour’s shed burned down.

    K, maybe not related.

    Like

  499. You could fit 2 bodies under my bed. 4 if they were cut into small pieces and rearranged like a jigsaw puzzle. Is that allowed in this challenge?

    Like

  500. I would love a copy! Also, my cats Gnome and Kobold are running around the house like madmen.

    Like

    Kelly recently posted Gratuitous Pictures of Cats.

  501. 2502
    Emily in NY

    I narrate my life as I’m going through it. Like, full-blown sentences, as if I’m recording the voiceover for a reality TV show.
    That’s not creepy at all.
    Just thought you should know.

    Like

  502. 2503
    Beth Rich

    Well, since I gave up when the woman fainted at the Dallas signing, I would love to win a copy. Can you put a bunch of cuss words in it, so I can give it to my Mom?

    Like

  503. I am going to read this somehow, some way. But it would happen sooner if you sent it to me. I promise to name it something awesome.

    Like

  504. 23. It’s my magic number to get me through everything.

    Like

  505. 2506
    Jeff Warden

    You could just as easily do the Ricky Gervais style of giving something away. His “trivia” question on his old radio show was always “Do you want it?” The answer is, of course, yes, please.

    Like

  506. OMG!!! I’m eight hundred and eighteen…❤ love you and your blog

    Like

  507. SIGNED British copy!?!? Dear Lord! Yes please!!

    Like

  508. 2509
    Kristen

    Think of how much fun marbles would be if you used glass cow eyeballs!

    Like

  509. 2510
    Diandra

    Jenny, Free stuff is always great, but after you send off those books what do you get besides that grand feeling of accomplishment? That’s right. Nothing. Therefore, I am suggesting an exchange: Your book, Euro version, in return for a picture of my Unicorn Jeep +/- pictures of my dogs photobombing and being general pains in my ass.
    You in?

    Like

  510. I think my dogs have jinxed me. I’ve tried three times to post something about their farts setting off fire alarms, but each time I try to post, I get sent back to the main page. Maybe I have demon dogs

    Like

  511. I told my cousin about your blog last year but she had never heard of you. Now, if I win this book and show it to my cousin, she will have heard of you because I told her about you last year.

    Like

  512. I want to win your book! I love you and your website and all kinds of things that you say, and the giant rooster still cracks me up every time I go to a farmers market and someone is selling country home decor.

    But I am a full-time mom, who also works from home, AND I married a homebody. So I am getting really sick of Netflix and could use an amazing, funny book to read.

    So, my favorite toe is the crooked one that my husband dropped a giant boot-shaped beer stein on to on our third date. It’s a monster. A beautiful, crooked little monster.

    Like

  513. 2514
    Juleah B

    If I had a bunch of glass eyeballs I would make a new cement path through my yard and stick the eyeballs in the wet cement. Yeah, that would be rad. But a book would be rad too:)

    Like

  514. I blew it today and accidentally let my two year old take a four hour nap. Now she is bouncing off the walls and will probably be up all night. I could use some good news.

    Like

  515. Want one so incredibly bad I’m will to put out in cyberland that my fiance’s pillow’s name is Magic, 67 mustang’s name is Lightning:)

    Like

  516. I came across this page the other night and though of you and Unicorns.
    http://mingle2.com/dating/unicorn

    Like

  517. For some reason when I type my name on my iPad it autocorrects to Donizetti. Who or what the he’ll is Donizetti?

    P.s. I want a copy of your book with the extra chapter.

    Like

  518. I love my big toes. And books. So pick me!!

    Like

  519. I’d love a copy of your book. I was introduced to your blog about two months ago. There’s definitely a lot more laughter in my life now. Thank you. I need a t-shirt that says Jenny Lawson: more awesome than Prozac.

    Like

  520. 2521
    Julie Bruton

    I dissected a real cow eyeball in my anatomy class!

    I have two cats: DAC & ADAC (dumb ass cat & another dumb ass cat)
    There are two dogs and a parrot as well!

    I bought your book for my girlfriend as a thank you gift for something she did for me but I really just wanted to read it myself! She reads it while flying and people sitting next to her on the plane want to know what she’s reading cause she is always laughing! I want to experience that!

    Like

  521. ME ME ME… I got your book on my kindle. But am so sad the pics are a/ tiny on my kindle screen. a/ they are NOT COLOUR. Why did I not foresee this issue when I got it on kindle instead of real book form… darn it.

    Like

    Alisa recently posted Lest we forget.

  522. Would love a copy of your book. Can’t but it on my kindle or in a book store here is South Africa. Not many people want to ship here either. Not sure why, maybe they think we still don’t have Internet or something. I promise we do… may be a tad on the slow side but hey it works😛

    Like

  523. I really, really, really want a book!

    Like

    Betty recently posted Simply Red by Betty Depee.

  524. Sign me up for a signed copy, please! I do believe I could fit five or six bodies under my bed, if I cut ’em up tiny.

    Like

    Stacy recently posted Banana Honey Muffins for #MuffinMonday.

  525. Meow? Meow meow meow meow. Mao meow mao mao meow. Mah meown maaaaaahhhhho.

    Like

  526. 2527
    Melissa

    A friend loaned me the hard bound version of your book and by page three I knew I had to read it aloud to my husband! Thank you for being you, and thank you for being so damn funny!

    Like

  527. i really would love to win your book, since i am not allowed to buy any more books… Trying to fight that hoarding addiction, and also that amount of books i have to move when changing houses. So if i win one it doesnt count. Even though i am sure there are libraries that have your book, my local library is rather scary and sparsely stocked. People there also stare at you when you go in, like you have entered their secret hiding space. I apologize for my randomness.

    Like

  528. 2529
    Mieneke

    In Dutch, the words for tribe and for the trunk of a tree are the same. As are the words for bank and couch, spring and feather, pass and step.

    There is a stain on my couch and I don’t know from what. But it’s where I always sit, so I can’t honestly blame my husband. I am trying though.

    My mother doen’t know how to read her texts. She does complain that her phone makes “funny noises”. And then makes one of her kids check that she hasn’t missed important stuff. Seriously? When you get a text on that phone, the only thing you have to do is press the only action button there is to read it. But she presses the red “hang up” button instead and then complains to us.
    My father doen’t know how to use a mobile. Period. He doesn’t even know how to pick it up when we call when they’re in the car.
    It’s a miracle I can even type this comment…

    Like

  529. I’ve been meaning to get around to reading your book. Honest, I have. I sometimes think about it while holding twine. My cats think I’m completely weird, even for a human. But somehow, I just never get around to actually READING your book.

    Maybe if I actually had a copy, actually reading it would work better? Hmm. Something to think about.

    Like

    Cocoonivus recently posted Old Girls, Golden Girls.

  530. Rock on!

    Like

  531. Seriously Jenny. I hope you kept the entire rest of your life free if you intend to read all these comments because my hand was totally dying by the end of all the scrolling.
    Secondly, you said to read this with a British accent on twitter and my brain went, “Cherri-o. Pip pop and all that.” Except I think it was in an Australian accent. Which I’m sure it quite offensive. Thank goodness the only person who knows about it is me. And now you and your 3 million fans now. Anonynimity is good.:)

    Like

  532. I read the hardcopy and felt shafted about the paperback having a new chapter. A free copy would fix all accidental shaftings that have occurred. :)

    Like

  533. Waiting……to please win!

    Like

  534. While I, sadly, am too uninteresting to name my body parts, my boyfriend isn’t… And the name of his favorite body part is… the Tang Chisel… *facepalm* I’m pretty sure i don’t even have to say what that body part is…

    Anyhow, I would love to win a copy of your book!

    Like

    Brooke recently posted My Birthday!!!.

  535. I don’t truly name my body parts but my right boob did end up with a name label on it from one of the kids sippy cups the other day. Without knowing it was there I left my classroom and group of teachers in the staff lounge noticed it. They’re still calling my boob Ethaniel and asking me when the other one will get its name.

    Like

  536. The best cover so far! My favorite shade of blue. Would be a wonderful addition to my blue section of books. And, your face on the spine would make me giggle smile every day.
    Dawn
    P.S. You are the only other person I’ve ever heard of that arranges books by color. I’ve always loved how that looks and occasionally buy books I’ll probably never read just for the interesting color or picture on the spine. Books are art.

    Like

  537. I think a box full of your book would be very useful. I’m starting to think I am a book hoarder, though.

    P.S. I submitted a review of your book at my work (They ask for employee reviews and make up columns on our site) and they picked it, then they added things in that I didn’t write. It’s like they reverse-censored me and I don’t know how to feel about it.

    Like

    Caitlin recently posted Caitlin's Cannonball Read V #29: In the Shadow of Blackbirds by Cat Winters.

  538. I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!!

    I’d like an autographed copy for my mother. She’s a huge fan.

    P.S. I have Dr. HST’s “gonzo fist” tattooed on my leg. Pick me, I’ll add HS Thomcat to it.

    P.P.S. I have three testicles. They’ve been all over the world.

    Like

  539. A free, autographed copy of your book would fantastic!

    Like

  540. I read it when it first came out. I still haven’t read the extra chapter. And my husband is British. Pick me, pick me!

    Like

  541. My belly button’s name is Lola. True story.

    Like

  542. I read books with one eye closed. I think this is a habit formed while sneaking reading time in past bedtime when I was a kid. Then I would stumble to the bathroom in awe as one eye would have night vision (from being closed) and the other blind (from staring at my book). I would definitely read your book this way if I got lucky!

    Like

  543. 2544
    Anonymous

    I could only possibly use one glass cow eyeball which I would affix to my left toe and then name him Griselle.

    Like

  544. My second toe on my left foot is my favorite, and I have named it Zachariah P. Walrusankles in your honor. Just now. Because it totally makes sense.

    Like

  545. 2546
    Tiana Z

    Mocking birds sing so many songsm because the female birds think it is sexy. I wish the mocking birds would go be sexy somewhere else instead of in my garage.

    Like

  546. 2547
    Kathryn Marvin

    Does the UK version have more “U”s than the American version?

    Like

  547. Jenny,
    I bought your first book and read it in one shot – I couldn’t put it down.
    As something who suffers from an anxiety disorder and had a FUBAR
    childhood it was so nice to realize I am not alone. You are one brave
    woman. I want to thank you for shedding light into the dark places. I
    admire your honesty. I don’t want a free copy – I will buy it on my own but I just wanted
    to say thanks (long overdue).

    Like

  548. 2549
    Melissa R

    I need a paperback copy. Need.

    Like

  549. I’d love a copy of your book.

    Like

  550. 2551
    Melanie

    The big toe is clearly my favorite one because of the necessity. My five finger shoes sure would look odd though without the 5.

    Like

  551. I loved loved loved your book… I laughed so hard I couldn’t see straight and my husband came looking for me thinking I was crying…. Then I took the book to work and tried to read parts to people but it didn’t work because I was laughing so hard my voice got high and squeaky and no none could understand me… Would love to own a copy and read the new chapter… Can’t wait for another book also…. Hope you write one…

    Like

  552. I was sitting in the airport this evening waiting for a flight and I heard an announcement: “Please do not leave your lower genitalia.”

    What?????? I fly all of the time (weekly) and never heard that announcement before. It’s good advice, I agree, but I did not realize that it was airport announcement worthy.

    After a few minutes of consideration, I realized that the announcement said, “Please do not leave your luggage unattended.”

    Um, yeah. That too.

    Like

    Deb recently posted Fun at the Airport.

  553. I have loved your blog for years, and would love to win a copy of your book!

    Like

  554. 2555
    Collette

    Dear Jenny, there are no strange reasons why your book are still on the best seller list. Only awesome ones. Every tale you tell reminds your reader that oh its not just me. Lets face it, who doesn’t need that once in a while.
    Thanks for being lovely:)

    Like

  555. I don’t have a favorite toe, but I do have a favorite finger. The middle one on my right hand. It’s very expressive.

    Like

    Barbara recently posted Does anyone speak English there?.

  556. When I bought my car I asked to see the trunk and then commented about how I could fit 5 dead bodies in there…the sales guy agreed without a moments hesitation.

    Like

  557. I don’t know if I’m part of your tribe, but would love to find out.

    Like

  558. My god, you have close to 2500 comments already…
    Purple.

    Like

  559. I like you.

    Like

  560. I would totally juggle class cow eyes.

    Like

  561. 2562
    Erin Lee

    I would love to win!!!

    Sadly no bodies would fit under my bed as my cat Pippin rules that domain with an iron claw (or claws as the case may be). However he is adorable, round and furry like a hobbit. He even believes he should be fed on a hobbit food schedule.

    You have the greatest tribe ever and I am so pleased to be a part of it!!

    Like

  562. 2563
    pickingupthepieces

    See, I think you and I would be such good friends in real life, because I read that you got a box of vintage glass cow eyeballs and thought, “Who sent her those, AND WHERE CAN I GET SOME?!?!?”

    Like

  563. 2564
    darla s

    my goodness yes.

    Like

  564. I got the hard-cover for Mother’s Day last year. Best gift yet! I’m due for a second run through, and I think I’ll pass it along to my mom this year. But should I buy her a copy? Or should I give her mine and just win a new one?

    Like

  565. I think a whole apothecary jar full of vintage glass cow eyeballs would be so FETCH! And, I would love to win a paperback so I can read the new additions that aren’t in my hard copy.:)

    Like

  566. my dog ran into the stairs today. Yep you read that right instead of running up them she some how missed and ran into the stairs. oohhh weiner dogs. wwoooooo books!

    Like

  567. 2568
    Jeannie

    I would love to win a copy! Downloaded the sample on my kindle… loved it so far! But with a real deal hold in my hand kind of book I can pass it around to my friends.

    I could only hide skinny bodies under my bed… maybe 6 or 8… that said I do have a 1986 Chevy in my driveway that I suspect could at least hold a dozen. Or a lot of stuffed wildlife!

    Thanks

    Like

  568. I think I managed to get a blister on my blister. Which is weird and impressive at the same time. A lot like this blog.

    Like

    Rebekah recently posted Pulchritudinality.

  569. 2570
    Jacflash

    I’d love to own the UK version of your book too. Thanks so much!

    As for how many cow eyeballs one needs the answer is, as is expected, 42.

    Like

  570. Newchapternewchapternewchapter New chapter Bloggess fix…

    Like

  571. When I was reading “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened,” I laughed so much that I was asked to please stop reading because I was being too distracting and making too much noise. I was in a library. I obviously need my own copy.

    Like

  572. 2573
    marietta

    Just make mine to, Marietta, my best friend forever.:-)

    Like

  573. Hi Jenny! My HARDCOVER “vintage glass cow eyeballs” had to be left in storage when we relocated from Colorado to California and a new copy of “vintage glass cow eyeballs” to enjoy here in this inferno – aka Palm Desert – would sure improve my mood. How ’bout choosing me to send one of those treasures? Love ya! Lil

    Like

    Lil recently posted Extra Credit.

  574. i’d love a copy. i’d love to not pay for one. i’m cheap like that.

    Like

  575. Hobgoblin!

    Like

  576. When I go car shopping I always see how many of my kids will fit in the trunk. Try think it’s hilarious and I love the looks I get when they tell people that I make them get in the trunk of the car.

    Like

  577. Seriously, a big box of glass eyeballs would be pretty pricey, because they seem to go for $10 and up per set:
    http://www.glasseyesonline.com/ Thank goodness I found this website in case anybody is going to run out of glass eyes anytime soon.

    When I did antique shows with my folks, we had a glass eye in an antique eye wash cup that we set in the jewelry case just to be random. I told people it’s what I took from the last person who tried to shoplift. My mom got shitty, so I started telling people they could try it on and see if the potential jewelry they were “eyeing” went with their eye color or a different color. I mean, how often do you have the chance to shop that thoroughly?

    My mom stopped putting the glass eyeball in the case. She ruins everything, even when she’s the one to start it.

    I bought your book a year ago but I’m just now reading it, because I saved it for a time when I “really needed it”. The details of why I really need it now are kind of depressing, so I’ll spare you. My g/f came over the other night and saw the cover and thought it was another cat-solves-mysteries-novel and made fun of me. I thought all women read novels where cats solved mysteries? Or in Hunter S Thomcat’s case, got drunk and then possibly solved mysteries. Or got lost while drunk and had his own mystery. Either way, I’d probably read it, but it wouldn’t be as good as your book.

    Like

  578. 2579
    Elizabeth B

    I got my hair cut yesterday and the girl who cut it put some kind of product in it that smells like Sex Panther by Odeon. It’s quite pungent. But not in a good way.

    Like

  579. Sadly, I have a platform bed made by my lovely husband, and there is room for exactly zero bodies beneath it.

    On the plus side, during my single days, I discovered that I could fit approximately 13 bodies of various sizes under the bed I owned then, and due to the giant dinner and plentiful beer, I didn’t have to kill anyone to find out.

    Like

    Cristy recently posted Why I Love Cloth Diapers but Don’t Use Them.

  580. Wow, that’s a lot of comments. So I actually don’t want this book for myself (I already have a copy; preorder for the win!), I want it for a friend who lives in rural Texas. The stories she tells me about her life remind me of you (and vice versa), so I wanted to let her read the book and see if it’s a rural Texas thing. I’m totally not giving my my copy, though. It’s mine! Mine, I tell you, mine!

    Like

    Kelly Stiles recently posted Protect Your Family – A True Story of Outsmarting Scammers.

  581. 2582
    Kirby's mom

    With almost 2500 comments, I figure there is little chance of me getting one of your autographed books, but I guess that’s ok since I have the hardback, the paperback, the e-book, and have given more copies as gifts than I can even remember. When you have a post, it makes my day, whether it is funny or heart wrenching. I admire you for your courage to discuss your “issues”, and appreciate that your openness gives me that little push I need to be ok with my own. You’re the best!

    Like

  582. 2583
    David Van Aken

    As a single dad (who divorced a one legged lesbian) with two daughters, one of which is disabled, and throw in an ancient female mini dachshund who smells of death but keeps living; I totally get you. For all the times you’ve made me laugh until I either vomited or cried, thank you. Yes, i just thanked you for making me vomit. Were I to receive this book I PROMISE not to use it to prop open a window.
    And I saw Beyonce at the local Kroger hawking Rex Goliath wine, knock knock motherfucker.
    Don’t stop invading my life.
    Damn this is wordy.
    xo

    Like

  583. 2584
    Erica B

    I have a king sized bed, so I imagine I could get a few bodies under there.

    Like

  584. 2585
    Catherine

    Does this mean the book will come complete with UK spellings? If so, that would be great because that totally messed me up when I was learning to spell. I didn’t get it wrong teacher; it says colour right here in this book.

    Like

  585. Homemade goats milk yogurt. Its really good.

    Like

  586. 2587
    Lady Penelope

    Comment 2498…
    Should I hold out to be comment 2450?

    I think scrolling to the bottom of all these comments to post a comment about all the comments deserves to be a winner!

    Do you even *know* how long it takes to scroll through 2498 comments?

    Like

  587. 2588
    Lady Penelope

    Answer:
    I takes a little less than scrolling past 2450 comments.

    Like

  588. 2589
    Lady Penelope

    Oh. My. God.

    2500!

    It’s been a *really* long day.

    I officially GIVE UP!

    Like

  589. I never win anything.

    All my toes are rather cute and I love them all equally. Except….that…one, she knows which one she is.

    I can only fit bunnies bodies under my bed. Dust bunnies that is.

    Eyeballs as marbles is genius, whoever said that further up.

    And I usually refer to my girls as, you know, “My Girls”. Only once did I actually refer to them as “Betty and Veronica”. That seems like it’d be a thing though.

    Like

    Shana recently posted I don't need marble halls, I only need you ~ Anne Shirley.

  590. If I win, I promise to read the book with an English accent! If you have a couple of spare cow eyeballs, I’d like those, too, please. I like to “eyebomb” places with googly eyeballs from the craft store (I have a pair in one of the parking lots at the Mall of America that’s been there for over a year. Granted, I’ve had to replace one of the eyes twice, but still… How awesome if I could find a place to cow eyeball eyebomb something! Anyhow… Pick me! Pick me!

    Like

  591. It’s my 44th birthday tomorrow. I’m feeling sad & melancholy about it. I would like to win…

    Like

  592. If I was a velociraptor in Jurassic Park, I would have tried to eat everyone too. They got jammed into that teeny enclosure! That thing was nowhere near large enough for three full-grown dinosaurs. All those people deserved to be chomped on.

    Like

  593. 2594
    blindinsanity

    I sleep armed. It’s a water pistol, but still useful when living with a cat who like to wake me up at 4am

    Like

  594. I need a new book, mine is missing! It might have fallen into the crack in time that runs through my basement, or I might have left it on the bus. Regardless, it is off having an amazing adventure without me and it is not fair (stomping foot and crossing arms).

    Like

  595. I am going to proof (using mathematical induction) that you can use any number of glass eyeballs. This is just plain mathematics.

    First, the base case: you can use one glass eyeball. Someone might be saying to you “You look like a cow.” When normally you would not have a good response to that, now you can take out the eyeball and hold it next to your eyes and demonstrate, that in fact, you do not look like a cow. Except, that you might look like one. Then you will have learned something about yourself. In either case – you win because you own a vintage glass cow eyeball.

    Second, the inductive step: assume you have n vintage glass cow eyeballs, that you can use. I will prove that you then could use n+1 vintage glass cow eyeballs. This is easy – assume that one of the eyeballs, that you could use, breaks (they are made of glass, so this is bound to happen). Then you will be happy that you can replace this one needed eyeball with the additional one (number n+1).

    Compare the reasoning to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mathematical_induction. It’s just simple science, that you can use any number of glass eyeballs.

    Like

  596. I do, in fact, know how to rock a wolf on my noggin. And a koala. I can rock a head-koala too.

    Like

  597. 2598
    Cheryl Peterson

    I think this IS my tribe!

    Like

  598. I want!

    Like

    Tiffany Nutter recently posted Instagram Addicition FEB/MARCH 2013.

  599. i’m just wondering how many vintage cows needed glass eyeballs. or how many present cows need vintage eyeballs. or how many people have collections of vintage glass cow eyeballs. i will be pondering this all day.

    Like

  600. 2601
    Kim Johanson

    Yes please

    Like

  601. 2602
    Bloomsburywishes

    If I won a copy of your book, I would put it on my shelf next to my signed Madeleine Albright. I think she would approve of your work.

    Also, at that signing, she told us her 7 year old grandaughter thought only women could be Secretary of State.

    Like

  602. 2603
    jphillips

    Thank you for helping me look a little more normal to my husband… you are the proof I need that I’m not the only one… I would love a copy of you book.

    Like

  603. I can’t fit any bodies under my bed, except those of dust bunnies who were hiding when last I vacuumed. Occasionally I have a cat under there. My 11-year-old cat, Tabitha, who was rehomed to me last year, is only now discovering that she can fit under one corner.

    I would love a hard copy of your book with the extra chapter as I bought a Kindle edition as soon as it came out – and laughed myself silly while reading it – which was what I expected from reading your blog.

    Whether I win or not, I look forward to your next book(s).

    Like

    samatwitch recently posted HURT.

  604. 2605
    Amy Reed

    Pick me!

    Like

  605. My boyfriend recently and totally unexpectedly gifted me with your book, we’ve been reading and laughing ever since. How perfect would be an extra chapter?😀
    Sidenote: I recently discovered a taxidermied rat with pigeon wings looking like some badass valkyrian pet on ebay. Sadly, not my price range.

    Like

  606. There are days when reading your posts are one of the only things that keeps me from a tri-state rampage. Well, that, and Wil Wheaton, but still. I have your book…I LOVE your book, but an autographed copy would rock. Thank you for doing what you do!!!

    Like

  607. 2608
    Shannon

    I’m seriously thinking about this glass eyeball thing. At first I thought it would be a small number, like 3. One for each eye and a spare. Then the more I thought about it, the more uses for glass eyeballs I came up with. Now I think I have to start a blog about all the different things you can do with glass eyeballs. Festive holiday centerpiece? Marble game? Christmas ornaments? Pendant necklace?

    Like

  608. Me, Me, Me. Pick ME!

    Like

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  609. I’ve been wanting to read your book for so long! I’m soon to be doing my university finals, so I’m planning on reading it after I’ve finished as a reward. The thought is one of the few things keeping me going, so thank you for being you!

    Like

  610. I am so thankful that my friend got me onto your blog. Many a mundane morning (bonus points for alliteration right?) has been brightened up by your uniqueness and general hilarity – so a book filled with it sounds utterly amazing. Pleeeeeaaaase:)

    Like

  611. Oooooh, pretty please! I’d love a copy of your book.

    Also, the dead bodies, do they need to be totally concealed? If so, I could probably fit about three, I’d guess. If I were allowed to have bits sticking out, I’m sure I could totally stuff at *least* six corpses under this thing.

    Like

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  612. Ohmigod!! I totally want one of those British books with your signature on it. I also want a unicorn. Not for snogging mind you but, maybe to pet. I want those unicorn snogging artists to illustrate my life thus far only adding unicorns and uhhhmmm chickens everywhere. Okay not really but, it’s late now and I’m getting a little punchy. I do totally want your British book and your signature though. Please

    Like

  613. My one-eyed cow could really use a new eyeball. Please?

    Like

  614. Random commet? Hmmmm…I love the New Kids on the Block. How ’bout you?

    Like

  615. 2616
    Shany W

    My dad has a glass eye. Growing up he would totally take it out and put it in our bowls of cereal when we weren’t looking. Used to freak me and my brother out. He’s not the most hygienic person in the world:/

    Like

  616. I just got directed to this blog last week. It was great for when I was sitting up at night with my new baby. And now I have read it. All of it. And you are weird, and I know from weird. I love weird!

    Like

  617. Really want that book!

    Like

  618. First off, jesus shit do you have a ton of readers.

    Second, I wasn’t really sure what to write about. So, I’m including a message I sent today to someone who asked me, “how moving away from my home town for the first time at age 22 worked out” …

    “The gist of how leaving my hometown worked out: Leaving was easy, staying when shit sucked was hard.

    When I left, I was naive as hell. I didn’t have a plan or money saved. I had a friend with a couch that I could crash on for a month, and that was it. I went for it anyway. (Tip: Don’t do this. Make sure you have money saved to keep a roof over your head for a couple months. And don’t move to one of the most expensive cities in the US like I did, unless you have adequate savings.)

    In 2 years, I’ve lost several jobs, had my first broken heart, a couple failed relationships, been homeless and lived in my car for a time, had my car STOLEN another time, been mugged, witnessed a gang shooting, been nearly date raped and had to file charges…. I lived through periods of extreme depression and at some points, my crazy-levels were off the charts thanks to stress and depression. I was a totally different person.
    Regardless, it’s hands down the best thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t know if I would survive, and in the midst of it, shit was fucking horrible… but now I see that those experiences made me who I am.

    I’m not proud of who I was in the past. I wasn’t a bad person, but I was incredibly young, immature, selfish, self-centered, demanding, unappreciative… the list goes on. I didn’t want to be that way, but I didn’t even realize that I was that way. I knew that something wasn’t right, but I was so wrapped up in my own life that I failed to see things clearly or think about the people around me. I’m really ashamed of that. Substances were also a part of the picture for a while.

    If I could do it all again, I wouldn’t change the bad things that happened to me. They made me a strong, bad ass chick who can handle her shit for the first time in my life. I would change my reactions, and how I treated the people in my life. I would change all of that. I’d also slap the shit out of myself for being such a selfish inconsiderate bitch. Time really gives you perspective.

    I recommend leaving, but like I said, make sure you have savings before you strand yourself somewhere new. That’s really all you need. Things would have been a lot easier for me if I didn’t constantly have to worry about putting a roof over my head and food in my stomach. I wouldn’t have been mugged if I wasn’t sleeping in my car, or nearly date raped if I wasn’t trying to find somewhere to sleep. It was a brutal thrust into adulthood.

    I moved again a few days ago and I’m leaving for Thailand in a week (this time I have a job there ;)). After living through all of that shit, I know I can take care of myself in any situation. I am infinitely more resourceful, stable, and capable of handling stressful situations. It’s been a fucking ride, but I’m alive and fairly sane, considering. Excited to see what comes next.”

    Like

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  619. 2620
    Jennifer

    Ignorance is Carlyle!

    Like

  620. 2621
    JCfromNC

    I want that new chapter, and if I can get it with your autograph attached, so much the better!

    I didn’t win the MegaMillions lottery this week, maybe I’ll have better luck with this one.😛

    Like

  621. Can I just say that I’m a fan? Actually, that would be an understatement. If I could put this on my Baby Registry, I would. Also my Mother’s Day wishlist. It would be one of those books that I would never ever EVER let anyone borrow. You have been…influential and life changing to say the least.

    So…please? and Thank You. You are awesomeness.

    Like

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  622. ME!! Pick ME! I voluntarily ran up a shitton of stairs today and I think my legs may have fallen of as I can no longer feel them. You wouldn’t want a poor legless victim of exercise to suffer without an awesome book to read would you? Maybe you would…. Fark it.

    Like

  623. I am sincerely hoping that you can post to France. I NEED this book! They just don’t get my humour here and so I rely on your blog to keep me feeling like I am normal and it is them who are strange……

    Like

  624. 2625
    yvette M

    Holly shit these comments are mulitplying like crazy!! I think your blog is awesome:)

    Like

  625. I stumbled on your blog a year ago and haven’t looked back……..thank you for giving us a sense of belonging, all us weird and wonderful people.
    Have read your book and am inspired

    Like

    Mothers little hleper recently posted The art of pissing silently.

  626. 2627
    Natalija Stefanovic

    Today I wore a pair of 3D glasses that were lurking in my bag instead of my sunglasses. It wasn’t even funny. It was just a Thursday.

    Like

  627. 2628
    astrolabe_cat

    My grandfather had a glass eyeball. Used to keep it in a small green glass bowl at the side of the bed. He wasn’t a cow though. He was a physiotherapist.

    Like

  628. I love the cover! I think I would prefer to have a copy of this book than a glass cow eyeball, to be honest. Although I wouldn’t say no to an entire glass cow, that would be cool.

    Like

  629. My least favourite toe is the one I dislocated last week in a small altercation with an inanimate object.

    Like

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  630. I was pretty sad when you mentioned the new chapter being in the U.S version of the book, good to know you haven’t forgot about your crazy worshippers over here!

    I think you should definitely come over to the UK though, One of our Castles has a taxidermy bear which is holding a tray. I mean who even thinks about having a dead bear waiter??

    If you do come over though, totally up for trying to help you steal the bear, I think he belongs with you! x

    Like

  631. I would LOVE to win a copy! I would take with me on my trip for my 40th birthday.

    I was going to get a hotel room for the weekend and lots of wine and sit in the dark and cry at how I am single, never married, no kids and that I live in one of my best friends’ attics. It seemed a fitting way to celebrate.

    Then the bestie reminded me there is a casino only 45 minutes away and so we booked a room for the weekend and now I will still get drunk, and might cry over how much money I give to the casino…but I’ll have an amazing friend along side of me making me laugh!

    Now I’ll have an amazing friend who drove all night from Illinois to Buffalo NY to move me back to her home in Illinois when I had fallen apart and was suicidal and had been abandoned by the family that was supposed to love me unconditionally. Six years later and I’m on meds and in therapy where I am finally dealing with the rape I had pretended didn’t happen 24 years ago and learning to control my major anxiety attacks, PTSD and OCD and chanting daily that DEPRESSION LIES. I now have a new family who adopted me as one of their own and love me unconditionally.

    I also have four cats…but I’m not a collector…the neighbors just keep moving away and leaving cats behind!

    So yeah, I would REALLY LOVE to win a copy of your book, signed by one of my heroes, to take with me on my 40th Birthday trip so I can sit and read from it out-loud and we can both laugh and laugh (and drink and drink) and I will have wonderful memories to look back on!

    Like

  632. 2633
    Anita Adkison

    Book + free = me

    Like

  633. 2634
    66steve

    I need another copy! My current one is being lent more than a library book! We need more monkeys! Or copies of LPTNH! Or Both!

    Like

  634. bilbo. yup, i’m high

    Like

  635. Come to Maine….please :)and would love to win a copy of your book with your autograph! Thank you for being you!

    Like

  636. Crap, I always seem to show up late for these things!
    Okay, well I would say something like, “ thanks Jenny, for being you. For doing what you do, with honesty and integrity.

    Oh, I DID say that. Great. I’m in. And I’d love to own a British copy.
    Or any copy.
    Thank you.

    Like

    Julie recently posted Expressions..

  637. I know a guy who has a glass eye. At school he’d spin and flick his head so that it would come out and fly across the room. Quite a trick.

    Like

  638. My family and I drove from Denver to San Antonio over Spring Break and in some small Texas town I saw a seven foot tall metal flamingo for sale in some metal shop by the side of the road. SEVEN foot tall PINK METAL FLAMINGO!!!!! I desperatly wanted to stop and buy it, but my spouse was driving. I would have named her Jay-Z damn it! It would be a good consolation prize to have your book instead.:)

    Like

  639. Why does the lettering on the cover have tenticles??

    Like

  640. My foster doggy had her ladyparts removed today. If I had an autographed copy of your book to read to her, I bet she would love me again.😉

    (No, I’m not above passive-aggressive guilt trips. Why on earth would you ask that?!)😉

    Like

    Chrysalis recently posted Sanguine Sunday: A Look Back On January.

  641. Pick me! Pick me! Yes I was that kid in school who always had their hand up ….. brown-noser.

    Like

  642. I just bought a pelmeniza and think everyone needs one! It lets you make 37 delicious filled dumplings in one go, with hardly any work involved. Very little things are more useful and necessary in this life.

    I also think everyone needs a copy of your awesome book, which might almost approach the awesomeness of the pelmeniza… even though you probably can’t make 37 dumplings in one go with your book, which I admit is a serious flaw. But even so, I really want to win one! I bet I can make at least two dumplings with it, and I’ll even send you the pics.:-)

    Like

  643. Brilliant! All we need are a couple of precision drills and some silk string, and we could turn those suckers into rocking necklaces for your shop. Frankly, I’d like a choker and clip-on earrings… freakin’ fabulosity. Naturally, I’ll carry my signed copy of your happening book when I step out wearing my new jewels. Cowabunga! You in?😆
    Cheers,
    Elizabeth

    Like

    ElizOF recently posted The Gift: World Book Night 2013.

  644. 2645
    Shannon

    I have a cat that looks like a bigger version of Hunter S. Tomcat. His name is Dragon. If a glass eyeballs showed up at my house he would TOTALLY bat that thing around the floor until he collapsed in a heap after running head first into too many walls. A book is a better idea probably… we could cuddle and read together without all the smushed cat brains.

    Like

  645. 2646
    Christine

    Favorite toe(s) are the ones next to my big toes – amazingly long and grippy.

    Like

  646. I need another copy, because I bought one, and then I gave it away, (You have to read this, I laughed so much I almost puked, I said to my friend) And then I bought ANOTHER copy and gave it away, and I really need one that’s signed, so I won’t give it away. I never give away signed books, which makes for annoying packing when I have to move countries.

    Luckily I don’t own any taxidermied creatures, they must be very difficult to pack.

    Like

    Nan recently posted Balancing Act.

  647. I’m hooked on Korean drama but everyone else think’s I’m crazy

    Like

  648. Open to us remote Aussies? (also, this counts as my comment, if so:) )

    Like

  649. 2650
    Tommy "Robot Omens" Osborne

    Sure, I’ll try again.

    Like

  650. This summer I plan to catch a newt in the pond in front of my university, put it in a jar and give it as a giftto my favorite professor. And I would like a copy of the book.

    Like

  651. It’s Thursday. I thought yesterday was Thursday. Fuck.

    Like

  652. I’ve been dying to get your book. Im sure the British version adds some BA to an already BA book.

    Like

  653. Love the cover! I want to win.

    Like

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  654. 2655
    Pam Bustamante

    Win Me!!

    Like

  655. Ohhh, I would love me a copy, I’m dying to read your book.
    And thanks for letting me be part of the tribe – not that you really have any control over that, so I guess I should thank myself for finding you and regularly snorting over the hilarious of your site. So well done me.

    PS, I feel 9 glass eyeballs would be sufficient for most purposes – though there may be some occassions that call for more.

    Like

  656. I would love to win a copy!

    Like

  657. 2658
    Beth Pharr

    My pet name for my favorite toe is “Piglet”. Okay, I made that up, but I really want your autograph and inside your book would be fantastic!

    Like

  658. I have a brand new jar of peanut butter and I can’t decide whether I should make myself sick eating it with a spoon, or waste it all on peanut butter cookies I will probably burn.

    Also, I have a pug named Butter.

    Like

    Ashes recently posted Mitch McConnell Facebook Meme.

  659. a book!

    Like

  660. My nephew has a prosthetic eye. When he was little, he would pop it out to try to gross out his sisters. They would rat him out, yelling “Mom! Zach took out his eye again.”

    Like

  661. How many bodies do you need storing? If it’s more than a couple, I’d have to buy another bed.

    Like

  662. 2663
    Dianna O.

    Yay contests!!

    Like

  663. 2664
    Jessica Fiumara

    I would be thrilled to win a copy. Or glass eyeballs. Either one.

    Like

  664. “The number of bodies you can fit under your bed.”
    I’m pretty sure, if I chop them up nice and small, I can fit a bakers dozen under mine.

    Like

  665. 2666
    Hobbitt

    I’ve only used three glass eyeballs so far, but I have immediate plans for five more.

    Like

  666. Does that mean us Limeys can actually enter this one?!? I only ask because I’m more used to being tortured by draws I can’t enter.

    Drawers you can’t enter – that’s a whole different subject right there!

    Like

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  667. 2668
    Perky Girl

    I’ve been *trying* to share the book with my sister, because I think she really needs it. But I bought it on Kindle and she hasn’t got a Kindle and also lives cross-country from me. She’s a huge klutz so I can’t lend the Kindle itself. If you randomly pick my comment, first I’ll read the new chapter – NEW CHAPTER! – and then give it to my sister.

    Like

  668. 2669
    AndreaC

    I kind of need a copy of your UK book, as I am collecting copies in as many versions as I can get. It is taking me a little while to get through the German one, but I will conquer it one day! P.S. Daffodil is much cuter in German…until she dies.

    On a side note, I have been saving for a silver ribbon necklace for the past few months. It arrived last night. I am wearing it proudly this morning, to help me remember not to give up.

    Like

  669. 2670
    Fattyfinn

    OK, so the books on my bookshelf are ordered by colour and I need one more blue book.

    Like

  670. 2671
    Kompani101

    Oh my giddy goodness, I shall have to have a sit down, a nice cup of tea, a garibaldi biscuit, king of biscuits, and rub down with a damp issue of Watership Down, I am just that excited. Huge hug please can I humbly win a copy of your fab book? Thank you.

    Like

  671. 2672
    Katherine

    Woot woot! Autographed book! Yeah!

    Like

  672. 2673
    Shaun P

    You’re awesome, I’d love a copy.

    Like

  673. So many comments already! I’d love to win one😀

    Like

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  674. My great great grandfather had a glass eye, and for some reason he wasn’t buried with it in. My great grandmother kept it in the button box. Because that’s where I’d totally keep my dad’s glass eye, y’know?

    Like

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  675. My sister works in research and when she was working on her masters she had to collect BUCKETS of cow eyes from the foundry. It was awesomely disgusting. The eyes looked like a thousand Skinny Cows staring up from a 10 gallon bucket. The eyeballs were for a good purpose – to research a cure for macular degeneration. Plus – after a year of hauling these cow eye in the trunk of her car – the entire car took on the odor of…cow eye.
    Awesome.
    She had to sell the car.
    If I win, my sister will get the book. (did I mention her name is also Jenny?)

    Like

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  676. Oh Jenny, thanks for letting us be a part of your tribe. It is sooooo awesome!
    P.S I am mommy to Hunter S Thomcat’s twin!

    Like

  677. 2678
    Melissa

    I am trying to arrange a puppy pile here at work to alleviate stress. Although I think replacement cow eye balls are cool, they aren’t as giggle inducing as playing with a big ol’ bunch of puppies.

    Like

  678. Me, me, me! Please pick me!

    Like

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  679. I would love a copy of this book. Please PICK ME – PICK ME – PICK ME – or I may pick my nose. I would rather have a book than a booger. Thanks. Absolutely love you!!!!! To bad your married, and I am married, and female for that matter, oh well. Love you anyway

    Like

  680. My mother is coming to visit for two weeks…throw me a bone here – I need SOMETHING to keep me sane!

    Like

  681. Me me me! Pick me, you glorious weirdo!

    Like

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  682. 2683
    Michelle

    My husband picked up your book last year and when I heard him laughing hysterically in the bathroom (not that unusual unfortunately) I had to ask what was so funny. He said, “You have to read this book.” So I did. And I loved it, But I let my sister borrow my copy and now it’s covered in koolaid. Don’t ask, Can I have a new one, please?

    Like

  683. You had me at eyeball.

    Like

  684. Thanks for the opportunity to win. I gave my hardcover copy to a friend. I would love to read the new chapter.

    Like

  685. Eyes would have been cool. My sister has a handful (artificial ones) and it would have been awesome if I had been able to compete with her. The book would still be awesome.

    Like

  686. 2687
    BillieH

    Wouldn’t your cow eyeballs make a lovely necklace? That would be an udderly cool present for someone. :o)

    Like

  687. I read your blog every day before i start to work and it makes me smile which will help get through the day and i have been to hear you read on your book tour.. you rock

    Like

  688. I love your book. When my favorite cat died last week, I thought of you and considered taxidermy so she’s always be with me. But my husband wanted to buryher in the backyard next to his brother’s old gravestone, so I didn’t.

    Like

  689. My dogs are Tonto and Kato. I picked the names because i thought they would our sidekicks. But, they turned into the Toe Brothers; sometimes they allow ME to tag along.

    Also, the decoration in your new house is fascinating -no lie. It looks like you might be turning the Haunted Dollhouse into the real house. Tres cool.

    Like

  690. I want your book. You are a prom chaperone from the future.

    Like

  691. I was in HS when I met and fell in love with my hubby. Shortly after we moved in together (which happened the day after my HS graduation) his dad gave us some of his things. My future father-in-law used one of the hubby’s possessions to hold all of his loose change. And when he gave it to us, it was still filled with change.

    We were sorting through things and counting the money one night, when we came across a few interesting things, like his mom’s engagement ring that was missing the diamond, some feathers, teeth, and a glass eyeball. My mother-in-law’s glass eyeball, to be exact. And she did not want it back. True story.

    A glass cow eyeball it was not, but a glass eyeball nonetheless.

    Like

  692. 2693
    Heather HS

    Fun times. I thought of you last week when I saw these crazy glass domes from the 1800s, full of taxidermied stuff.

    Like

  693. 2694
    Ken Ellis

    I had eye surgery when I was in the sixth grade. It was the relatively minor kind, where the surgeon detaches the exterior muscles and reattaches them in an effort to stop the eye from crossing. Afterward, the ophthalmologist told me I would have to wear an eye patch for a couple of weeks. He could see that I was unhappy about this (the pirate look was not considered cool then), and so he said he had something that would make me feel better. He reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a small water-filled bottle in which was floating a (human-sized) glass eye. Whenever anyone asks about the patch, he said, just pull this out of your pocket and show it to them. He was a little sick, and I liked that. So … I don’t know about cow glass eyes, but for a while there I needed just one human glass eye.

    Like

  694. Never commented on blogs before… Too good to pass up. Too poor to buy your book *collegeatemymomey* but I’d LOVE to enjoy your book.😀 I have nothing to offer in return but my eternal gratitude.

    Like

  695. I’m posting from bed. The kids are awake and I’m seeing how long I can ignore them before they start going bonkers.

    Like

  696. 2697
    Melissa F.

    Thanks to you the world is a much brighter and more sarcastic place! Love you Jenny!!!

    Like

  697. I’m a reporter. Tuesday, the heavens opened and a group of shirtless firefighters showed up at the building behind the paper. I was charged with talking to them (dramatic laying of the hand upon the troubled brow)

    I posted a comment/picture on my work-Facebook page.

    It somehow morphed into a conversation with a rival reporter about our most awkward on-the-job moments. Mine was the naked 5K. True story. I ran a 5K at a nudist colony. (I wore clothes but was almost incapacitated with the anxiety of having 50 naked people around me,)

    Here’s the post:
    Yeah, Patrick, I just turn red and start stuttering at moments like that. Seriously.

    Not that I’ve ever had anyone look for mini-skirt affirmation, but still.

    Most anxiety for a story… EVER… EEEVVVEERRR… I ran the Sunny Sands 5K Streak last year — for work.

    It was a nude race. (I was NOT nude. That’s how the organizers identified me… “You must be Jen. I was wondering who the clothed girl was in the middle of all the naked people.”)

    I was almost incoherent with blind panic… all I could think was “Don’t look. Don’t laugh. Don’t cry. DON’T LOOK!”

    And everyone was ridiculously cool but me. I was the only person not completely at ease. It made me even more anxious.

    (I blame it on our Puritan founders. Plus, I’m neurotic. And married. And scared of naked people. And, I don’t do many participatory event stories anymore. I find city hall much safer to cover; everyone is better dressed, and they pretty much ignore me if I start giggling about something strange.)

    I have nothing else to add, save that I freakin’ love your book and WAAANNNT to read the extra chapter.

    Like

  698. 2699
    Modrocker

    Can’t wait to read the new chapter.

    Was texted this morning by a date from last week and the guy said that I was out of his league. Not sure if I should be flattered or not. I choose to be flattered:)

    Like

  699. I like it when I get to go car shopping and the sales person shows you how big the trunk is and i say “Yep, I think I could fit 2 or 3 bodies in there” and the shocked look on their face!

    Like

  700. If I was a taxidermist with a box of cow eyeballs, I’d stuff a cow and have eyes popping out all over its body, and call it art. Nightmare fodder, perhaps, but art. You’re welcome.

    Like

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  701. 2702
    Suzanne Alstadt

    I wish it was autographed cow eyeballs. However, I’ve only read this book twice, so the snooty British version would be awesome for a third go round.

    Like

  702. You are our leader! I heart this tribe! Devan

    Like

  703. 2704
    Michelle

    I have an unsigned hardcover of your book (I actually got two copies for my birthday last year. What does that say about me? Or my friends?), but I would love a signed copy!

    Like

  704. Speaking of eyeballs, we dissected a cow eyeball in junior high science class. You’d think I would remember more about what was inside–but all I recall is how hard it was to cut. Frogs, fetal pigs–easy and interesting. P.S. Lava soap gets the smell of formaldehyde off your hands.

    Like

  705. My tribe!!! And I think the best day of all days is Thursday.

    Like

  706. Yay! I found the end! or is it the beginning, no.. probably somewhere in the middle. Thanks Jenny for being a little bit like Alice in Wonderland. I like to think of you as Jenny like Alice:)

    Like

  707. Hey Jenny, here’s a joke for you…

    What does a nosy chilli pepper do?
    – It gets Jalapeño business!

    You’re welcome:-)

    Like

  708. 2709
    jilly-bear

    WOW! 2557 Commens already and it’s only 7:00 in the morning! Please enter me into the drawing – I have the book but not the new chapter and would love to read it. :)

    Thanks,
    Jilly-bear

    Like

  709. 2710
    Tabitha Crow

    I don’t have a favorite toe (my non-discrimation policy), my crazy-ass family calls vaginas “moosies” (don’t ask), I really can’t think of any instance when I would use even ONE cow eyeball, and I can’t tell you how many bodies I can fit under my bed because of the ongoing case. In other news, you should check this out. It will ease your mind (as it did mine) that our kids aren’t even CLOSE to the creepiest. Oh, and I would love, Love, LOVE a signed copy of the book!

    http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/the-creepiest-things-a-child-has-ever-said-to-a-parent

    Like

  710. I’m an American in the UK who has been following you for a while. LOVE your stories. I’m also a therapist so it’s extra special interesting. And now that your book has a UK version…well, I have to read it or Bob’s your uncle. (Hahaha…weird sayings overe here). Please pick me. Perty please.

    Like

  711. Fun fact: I have webbed toes.

    Like

  712. I’d love to win a copy of your paperback! I like to collect books that are autographed.

    Like

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  713. I once had a door named Steve

    Like

  714. I’ve always been a big fan of legs. I like to use them for walking. Very useful things legs. Though I suppose if push came to shove hands are more important than legs and without a head with a functioning brain legs and hands would be pretty useless. Brain wins, but only because it is calling the shots.

    Like

  715. 2716
    Samantha

    This blog helped me rediscover my sense of humor during my massively stressful senior year of college. THANK YOU JENNY & tribe!

    Like

  716. I call the Unicorn in my pants Mr. Hoodwinkle! Would love to get a book even though I already have one that I bought!

    Like

  717. 2718
    Jennifer

    Everytime I see a squirrel I think about Stanley the magical, talking squirrel. I really enjoyed the book and love reading your blog.

    Like

  718. I’m surprised that the Brits didn’t go with the cute little mouse cover. They love things like that and some might even mistake it for a children’s book. Until they started reading it to their child….

    Jeff- You did not name your door that.

    Like

  719. 2720
    Vicki G

    comment

    Like

  720. I would NEVER put bodies under my bed cause eventually they would smell and drive me nuts. I have however considered how many I can fit in the trunk of my car. Average size non skinny would be approx. 8-9. They could travel in the car (plastic to protect the trunk) until I find their finally spot.

    Just saying….

    Like

  721. 2722
    Heather H

    CHERRY BLOSSOMS. I’m in love with the cherry blossoms that are in bloom.

    I’m also a huge fan of peanut butter, pepperidge farm goldfish, and bacon flavored crisps from the UK.

    Like

  722. 2723
    Krystine McCants

    I’d love to win your book, because I love sharing it with other people and helping them find their tribe!

    Like

  723. I admire weathermen because weather doesn’t always do what it should. Like, imagine if someone had a cat circus, and you went. You really shouldn’t be surprised if these highly trained cats decided that day that they’d rather just sleep, so you didn’t get to see any cool tricks. I imagine weather is like those cats, and I can hear the weatherman saying, “No, I swear the weather SHOULD HAVE snowed six inches last night, but it decided it didn’t want to.”

    Speaknig of six inches of snow, I live in Minnesota and the wather forecasts showed I should have woken to a snow-covered lawn. But I woke up to a green grass lawn. WIN for me!

    Like

  724. 2725
    Jessica

    Hi Jen,
    my boyfriend just left on a trip to Hawaii without me….. your book would make up for it:)
    Jess

    Like

  725. I lost all my toes in a forklift accident. Just kidding. But if I did, I’d find your toe question extremely offensive. And I’d have a hard time buying shoes.

    Like

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  726. Who doesn’t want to be a winner? Send a book to me!

    Like

  727. If I win, can I have an eyeball as well???

    Sherri

    Like

  728. I’d love to win your book. Especially the UK version. Because that means it probably has color spelled colour and check spelled cheque, and instead of line it probably says queue. Which is kind of annoying and kind of cute at the same time. Much like children. I love my children. And I love your book.

    Like

  729. I could really us a pick-me-up this morning (pun intended) because I fell out of bed last night for absolutely no reason whatsoever, and now my elbow hurts.

    Like

  730. I have a firmly held belief that one can never have too many copies of your book, since I currently own 3 copies, but since I keep loaning them out and not getting them back, I really need a 4th. Please help me. I obviously have sucky friends and therefore need it more than others.

    Like

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  731. I’d love to win a copy of your book so I can re-read all the best parts (the whole thing) AND the extra chapter, but win or lose, I want to say Thank You, from the bottom of my heart, for keeping me laughing out loud this past year when I have needed it most! You are a rock star, Jenny!

    Like

  732. 2733
    Pepster

    This gives me an excuse to post here, and say something overdue.

    Thank you.

    Your posts and videos helped me come to terms with the fact that I was, and am, suffering from severe depression.

    I got help, in a large part because of the things you wrote and said. Your “Depression lies” video helped me find the words to explain what I was going through to my wife when I finally found the strength to tell her.

    I am getting better.

    Thank you.

    Like

  733. The question should be how many MORE bodies can you fit under your bed. But replace “bodies” with single socks and doggy chew toys. That pretty much describes under my bed.

    Like