MISSING

Last time I moved into a new neighborhood I posted multiple flyers about my missing rattlesnake until I practically got fined for too-much-awesomeness.  Or “being a nuisance” according to the Home Owners Association.

This time when moving into a new neighborhood I decided to do things differently.

Very differently.

Or, as Victor says, not really so differently at all.

I’ll keep you (and these) posted.

150 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I’m disappointed it wasn’t a squirrel with a top hat.

    Stephanie recently posted Yes Fiction Writers, You Have To Research Too.

  2. Seems legit.

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  3. You should have added a * with:

    * age progressed photo.

    moooooog35 recently posted I Drew a Cartoon!! - Ugh. I hate when this happens..

  4. I thought you were going to say your sanity was missing. Glad I was wrong! Happy Friday!

  5. Hope it spawns plenty of leads for you.

  6. LOL love this.

    Krissie J @ A Philly Nerd Girl recently posted Back to Me.

  7. Brilliant.

    Liz recently posted Friendships.

  8. I found him. He’s all the way here in Ottawa (where @wilw is as well, oddly enough)

  9. Can Fred dance on the stairs? He needs to dance for me at least.

    Miss Gee recently posted I Dream In Colors That I Think Don't Even Exist In Real Life..

  10. I really need to pull this prank. It’s brilliant.

    Dawnie recently posted 30 Day Drawing Challenge - a place you want to go.

  11. Good luck finding Fred. My fish disappeared tragically into a frying pan one fine summer day. We mourned for days.

    But he was delicious

    Kari recently posted I didn’t know what to make for dinner so I bought a bookcase..

  12. The edit at the end is my favorite part.

    Daniel J. Hogan recently posted Amazon Enigmas: Mother’s Day Gifts (Last Minute Edition).

  13. Phew – thought I might have eaten Fred last night – but it turned out the fish’s name was Dave so its OK.

  14. I wish more people like you lived in my neighborhood! lol @ arm thingie!hahaha

    Alicia recently posted Learning the art of camera phone photography..

  15. Great way to make friends!

    Mom Off Meth recently posted That shit blew my mind.

  16. There’s something fishy here……sorry.

    wy recently posted She got it.

  17. Along with the age progressed pic add in a big date: missing since xx/xx/xxxx and indicate what he was last seen wearing and/or driving

    Erica B recently posted that "certain age" where your body says F-U.

  18. He told me his name was Steve….strange.

  19. You are the most awesome person ever!!

  20. Which direction was he heading? What was he wearing? Age at time of disappearance?

    Califmom recently posted Phoning It In With Faux Toes.

  21. 21
    Marcie M.

    Our HOA is so strict it is crazy. I would love to pull this prank!

  22. Oh no! Does he need regular medication?!

  23. If only the whole world communicated that way. There wouldn’t be war or anger or stuffy celebrities.

    Heather recently posted Guest Post By Siegfried.

  24. HIs EYES are STARING AT ME!!!!

  25. Way to not implant Fred with a pet chip.

    So irresponsible.

    PS: I named my singing Lobster “Fred.” He sits in my office. Common name this year for sea creatures, apparently.

    The Maven recently posted Dear Chubby Kid at the Park.

  26. Recently returned: Cat with suspiciously fishy-smelling breath and sharpie burps.

    Julie recently posted Don't forget!!!.

  27. 28
    Natalie Ethington

    Fred’s sitting here with me now. He says he’ll call you as soon as he finishes his cigarette.

  28. Can your next move be to Massachusetts?

  29. Dont worry! I found him in the seafood section at whol…
    Nevermind, that was a bad joke.

    Brandi recently posted Gluten Free Shopping is Hard..

  30. I would give anything to see someone drop off a fish on your doorstep with a found sign attached to it.

    Katy recently posted on the 3rd anniversary of your 59th birthday.

  31. I think this is the perfect way to find your people. I mean, only fun, cool people are going to respond, right? Those who don’t like this? You didn’t want those friends anyway.

    Shawn recently posted How I spent my last kid-free day, in pictures.

  32. Just another hopeless case of a fish gone bad. Swimming from home and trying to make it in the big city.
    Fred doesn’t realize it’s just a path to drugs and fishy prostitution.
    Come home, Fred. Come home.

    Cassandra recently posted Because My Friends are Made of AWESOME!!!.

  33. are there any identifying birth marks or tats? Does he smoke or wear glasses? If he were on America’s Most Wanted they would totally say something like, “Fred was last seen with a young flounder of atlantic decent. He enjoys Big Mac’s win no lettuce and smokes Marlboro Lights, call if you’ve seen him”

  34. Is he ladder-trained?

    Liana recently posted Morton Salt Girl Costume.

  35. Fred, he stares.

  36. 37
    LIsa Victoria

    You are the model neighbor. Upstanding citizen. Who would NOT want to have you in their ‘hood?!! Damn HOAs don’t know jack, or Fred yet…but they will soon.

  37. Hahaha, Fred is quite terrified. Probably because he’s lost, and not because of the sharpie at all.

    LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? recently posted How to tell if I’m sick, and something about a dream I had..

  38. I loved that rattlesnake poster. “Very bitey” still makes me snort.

    Suebob recently posted My Plans for Abercrombie and Fitch.

  39. Oh well. Carp(e) Diem.

  40. Hey, if Fred calls it a left arm thingie, I call it a left arm thingie.

    Morgan recently posted Death is a Biker, and He is Pissed.

  41. If you ever decide to leave TX for Colorado, please move to my neighborhood. My stodgy HOA needs to be rocked by you!

  42. you do realize that this is WHY you have to keep moving, right? ;p

  43. Hopefully no one flushed him or he/she could have serious OTHER problems.

    batpoopcrazy recently posted Feminine Product Commentary.

  44. It’s hard being a fish out of water. I hope he makes it back ok.

  45. 46
    Jennifer Shore

    I had a cat named Fred when I was a Peace Corps volunteer in Guatemala. My neighbor ate him. True story.

  46. Good call on the Sharpied phone number. That shit lasts forever.

  47. “We’re checking all the water in the area, there’s an escaped fish.”

    Seriously, maybe he’s Jim the Fish in disguise…stranger things have happened.

  48. 49
    The Original Lisa

    Fred was delicious. Wait, I mean Fred looks adorable. I’ll keep an eye out.

  49. you should ask Dory and Marlin to find him – they did an extraordinary job at finding Nemo. He might even get in Dory’s next movie! He could be a FAMOUS fish! “Finding Fred- the exciting tale of the Fish who refused to answer to his name”

    Tarasview recently posted #WW - Dancing Her Dreams LINKY.

  50. Why don’t people do more things like this?? Actually, why don’t *I* do more things like this? You’ve inspired me.

    Emelie recently posted She Wasn’t a Serial Killer, So I Call That a Win..

  51. That’s just sad that you got in trouble for the rattlesnake signs. They’re still some of my very favorite posts you’ve done and I think I would have tinkled in my pants a little if I’d seen it in my neighborhood. :D From laughing, not because I like to wet myself or anything. I SWEAR.

  52. Did you check the local watering holes? He may be getting tanked.

    Brian recently posted cubicles are for crying sometimes.

  53. I remember the rattlesnake story! This one is awesome. Please do let us know when (I mean IF) you get kicked out of this new neighborhood.

  54. Does Fred sing bad 80′s music and flip his tail back and forth? I may have seen him!

    Drew recently posted Andrew has changed his relationship status with Facebook to It’s Complicated.

  55. I spat out my coffee and a bit of peanut butter.

    Kathleen recently posted Yesteryear in Today's City of Tomorrow.

  56. I totally understand why he doesn’t answer to Fred. It’s cause he looks like a a Bob. You’ve been calling him the wrong name ALL THIS TIME. How embarrassing for you.

  57. I love the satanic eyes on the fish.

  58. This is from the other day where I live. It’s actually not that weird for here but does relate to missing rattlesnakes and provides some vivid imagery of bar patrons doing their civic duty. http://www.livingstonenterprise.com/content/baby-rattlers-loose-downtown-livingston

  59. They FINED you? Those bastards should have been paying you for bringing up the level of awesomeness in their neighborhood!

    I wish you lived here every day, just so my neighborhood could BE awesome!

    *sigh* Some people just don’t know how good they have it.

    Valerie P. recently posted Dawdling....A Marketable Skill?.

  60. I wish you lived in my neighborhood.

    Jennifer recently posted Bird Paparazzi.

  61. 62
    Shannon Fielding

    I would lol if I saw this! If one of your new neighbours starts acting “dickish”, when he’s in the yard, stick your head out the door and yell “dick” (or fuck off, or numbnuts, whatever the mood strikes) over and over. If he gets pissed off, you can always claim one of two things. 1) Turrets syndrome, or 2) Calling your cat/dog. (with the aforementioned name)…Your welcome.

  62. Don’t be surprised if some asshole puts a dead fish at your front door. You know, to be an asshole.

    Carmen recently posted Fat Chicks: How one CEO got Himself Fired..

  63. lol! I hope someone posts a response “FOUND FISH – seems to have had something written behind their fin, but was washed off when the fish decided to take a swim in my hot tub. Please call xxx-xxxx if you are or know the owner of this stubborn trouble maker.” That would make your neighborhood the awesomest (I know that’s not a real word but it works here).

    Veronica S recently posted Choosing The Right Foundation.

  64. Hmm…I wonder if I could pull this off with bunny pictures. We have a bazillion (not even kidding) bunnies in our townhome complex at any given time.

    Excellent.

    Jess recently posted WOOHOO!!!.

  65. seriously? your neighbors don’t know how lucky they are.

    monica recently posted You dropped a bomb on me, baby..

  66. Well, they have to get to know you SOMETIME, right?

    Liz Czukas recently posted Overheard at RT.

  67. 68
    Stephanie

    Can you move to my neighborhood?

  68. If I lived in your neighborhood I would totally post a sign below that saying “Found” with a picture of the fish and the note that there was a blurry smear of sharpie ink on his right arm thingie (fin) but since the smear wasn’t on the left we weren’t sure if it was Fred.

  69. My best friend’s name is Fred. He insists that we call him Derf because it “sounds cooler.” I am forwarding him a link to this, but without any explanatory note. I love seeing his reaction when I send him random Fred-related items.

    Robyn Straley recently posted Six-word stories.

  70. 71
    roseamary Snead

    This is great. Please keep this up.

  71. Fred looks really surprised in that picture. Like really surprised. Are you sure you’re supposed to hold him out of the water like that?

    Holly Folly recently posted A Story Contest and Some Back Pain.

  72. Oh. So now I guess the “welcome to the neighborhood” fish fry I was planning for you would be considered “in poor taste.” Don’t put up posters for missing hot dogs or you’ll end up with no party at all.

  73. Oh Fred. He won’t get far. He’s like a fish out of water around these parts.

    Alison recently posted Depression sucks but still there are things to be said..

  74. I know that you live in the south… probably still Texas… so I can’t really explain how disappointed I am that the Fred flyer wasn’t posted in my neighborhood. There have been so many homes sold in my neighborhood and I have really been hoping for a fun neighbor instead of all the damn Yuppies with their nannies & strict 1 drink minimums.

    cursingmama recently posted Sounds of summer.

  75. Is Fred a trout? Trout’s are notoriously stuck up!

  76. Last seen walking through the park, holding hands with Sally the Snake. ( I knew I shouldn’t have let the go out on a date without a chaperone!)

    Cara Lyn Erickson recently posted Fancy Free Friday: Cats Can Be Jerks.

  77. OMG you are funny! (I really wanted to post “I love you and will you be my best friend?” but thought that might come across a bit stalker-ish).

    Rhonda recently posted Speaking Of Nothing To Do With Grape Leaves….

  78. Does the poster actually has your website on it?

  79. I was going to trout this seriously, but it seems kinda fishy. You hooked me with the picture, but I’m floundering about why. Something seems out of tuna. Cod it be a joke?

  80. 81
    Plain_ol_t

    Henry,

    Hubby’s grandfather used to have a box with a “baby rattler” in it that he showed to people he met.

    Turns out it was just a plastic baby’s toy rattle, but it got lots of giggles.

  81. Fred looks terrified in that picture, which is strange because I don’t think I’ve ever seen a fish show emotion before.

    Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted How To Read About How To Determine Your Optimal Daily Caffeine Intake.

  82. Will there be a reward? Because I think I saw him at a local grocery store…

    Natalie the Singingfool recently posted Ring-Around-the-Collar.

  83. Have you checked the basement in my old Cleveland neighborhood?
    I seem to remember giving old Fred a ride.
    He really shouldn’t be getting into a car with a stranger.
    I might not be able to look in on him for a while.

  84. That fish looks legitimately terrified. Very similar when my kitty had worms and the vet had to go in the backdoor to do some rooting around.

    Same eyes.

    Woman_on_Pause recently posted I Have Work Herpes.

  85. Wait, did you do the cross out “fin”; or did one of the neighbors correct you?

  86. Is there a reward?

    Jane Lang recently posted Photo.

  87. This is pretty fantabulous, I won’t lie.

    Sarah recently posted A surprisingly serious post about bra shopping.

  88. I am 98% sure that’s a cat’s eye photoshopped onto Fred. Which is awesome. Because cats love fish.

    Jason Black recently posted How to create creepy characters.

  89. i love you! i want someone in my life with your sense. ;)

  90. I just wanted to say that I love you. In a wholesome way, not in a creepy way.
    I love you!

    Cynthia Holt recently posted Making Lemonade Like a Motherfucker.

  91. I really wish I lived in your neighborhood…:)

  92. Shit, Nemo is missing again?

  93. hahaha im pretty sure arm thingy is the scientific name for fin, and not the other way around.

    Charlotte @ Commitness to Fitness recently posted Foodstuff Friday/ Facebook: Sh*t Just Got Real.

  94. Also missing — Fred’s bicycle. He NEEDS it. Because, you know, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

  95. Just remember, those women in Cleveland came home after 10 YEARS, so Fred could be trying to escape and find YOU! NEVER LOSE HOPE!

  96. This is awesome. However… I think you would get better results reeling Fred in if you had some kind of hook.

  97. What a fantastic way to quickly weed out the folks that aren’t worth your time in the new ‘hood! You are brilliant! I hope you don’t mind, but I may copy you if I ever move.

  98. That just made my day!

    Angie recently posted ...all the CAT-5 Cables?.

  99. Love the expression on Fred’s face! Should make it easy to identify him when one of your new neighbors finds him swimming in their pond… :)

  100. Oooh, I very much dislike my HOA. I want to be a nuisance, too!

  101. LOVE comments 11,33,43,47,50,76 and Ouch James-80. I wish the comments included people’s twitter name or FB link. I would really enjoy following most of the people on here. So much more wittier and funnier than I am.

  102. Not only would I love to live in your hood, but the hood of these commenters too! U people be trippin! As far as the fish-would that be an amber alert or silver alert?

  103. I have an inappropriate level of enthusiasm for that fact that the last word is “fin.”

    Dana the Biped recently posted A Little Early for Mother's Day, But....

  104. Fred, I have identified you!! You are a snakehead fish!! Which I am sure is a crossbreed to the rattlesnake you listed as missing in your old neighborhood!! See when you do not neuter your fish and snakes properly,
    you have a whole of snake on fish sex going on!!! So now not only is Fred missing, and unresponsive due to his attitude, he now is gasping for air and very bitey!!!!

  105. I think I found him. It says Jenny 867-5309. Is that you?

    Becky recently posted Fins to the Left!.

  106. is it took stalkery-ish for me to ask for your personal address so I can come over & we can have drinks together? I swear, you’d like me. I already like you so hard

  107. Fred looks scared out of his mind.
    You sure he’s not just a runaway??

    Melissa recently posted The Big Online Wedding Reveal.

  108. “left arm thingie” is the best thing ever.

    Karen Peterson recently posted "That's my purse! I don't know you!".

  109. Bahahahahah! You are a genius.

    Jill Pinnella Corso recently posted Apologies: Let’s Just Get It All on the Table.

  110. They’re very lucky to have you. You should totally sign up for the Neighborhood Watch.

    Barbara recently posted Ah, Springtime.

  111. Sorry, Jen but I think we may have eaten Fred for dinner last night. Bit really its not our fault because we didn’t see your flier on time since you procrastinated and Fred refused to answer when we asked him his name. So not our fault. But if it is any consolation he tasted amazing with ketchup

  112. I hope you don’t loose your flyer as the last one…

    Mexmom recently posted Seven facts of seven.

  113. Oh. Oh, I must do this in my very urban neighborhood. And put up hidden cameras. Pure awesomeness.

  114. This is almost as good as the time a new neighbor introduced herself by going door to door in our subdivision asking if anyone had seen her llama named Daithi. She then went on to explain that he was in recovery and was worried that he might be out trying to score some black tar heroin or crack rocks and if we see him we should call the number on her card. Yeah she and I were besties and then she moved before Daithi came back…stupid llama.

    The Suzzzz recently posted Yet Again....

  115. Fred looks quite frightened. I hope you find him soon.

    Chris recently posted Distraction techniques.

  116. That is quite possibly the scariest fresh-water fish ever (from N. America) – the eye! I loved the rattlesnake sign saga. I laughed till my stomach hurt.

    Ethne recently posted CRIME EDITION: Jodi Arias Verdict ~ Armchair Anal-ysis.*.

  117. What if someone turns up on the doorstep with a fish deep fried in batter and some French fries, would you accept that in its plaice ………

    Tom Stronach recently posted Update: My meeting with the Nice Doctor.

  118. One of the reasons I won’t buy a property that sits in a Homeowners’ Association jurisdiction. Homeowners’ Associations never, ever appreciate awesomeness.

    Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted New York Bird Watching.

  119. My co-worker always knows when I check your blog from the semi-stifled snorks of laughter in my cube. Thank you for being you, you make the world a much better and brighter place!

  120. Fred’s obviously a pure-bred. If you don’t find him, I suggest that your next pet be a rescue fish, from your local SPCA fish shelter.

    Stray fish need good homes too, you know.

    According2Robyn recently posted The Digestive System, Part 2: Swallowing.

  121. Oh my cod.

    If I see him, I’ll chuck him your way. With a side of chips and mushy peas.

    Don’t say I never did nuthin’ for you.

  122. I’m clearly living in the wrong neighborhood. The only interesting thing that happens around here is passive-aggressive wars via wireless network names.

    KMB recently posted 3 Cats + 1 Live Crawfish = Confusion.

  123. Big mistake! You shouldn’t have said anything about the sharpie and you may have gotten dozens of free fish! Yummy!

    Tom recently posted The Gods of Heavenly Punishment by Jennifer Cody Epstein.

  124. I think you should go door to door and accuse people’s cats of eating your fish. If that doesn’t work, accuse their alligators.

    Tom recently posted Moto Taxi, Umán, Yucatán, Mexico.

  125. You move around a lot, are you all in a witness protection program or do the neighbors take up a collection to move you to the next town over? It’s Texas, you have to be the sane people there…just saying…not that there is anything wrong with Texas…I’m going to stop now.

  126. That will teach me to check The Bloggess while proctoring an AP exam. Laughing out loud counts as a Disturbance and now I have to file an incident report with the College Board!

  127. You ALMOST make me want to move to Texas just so we could be neighbors. Almost.

    Adrasteia recently posted For today's Beautiful Friday I am going to show you pictures of my clothes!.

  128. Did you move Fred with you and he didn’t like the new place?

    Kattie recently posted Not a good day.

  129. There is a sign taped to the stop sign by my house that says “MISSING CALF” and then there is a phone number… it’s the only one I have seen in my neighborhood and all I can think is how the fuck did you lose a calf?!?!?! And how come you don’t have more signs for said calf? My cat went missing and plastered the neighborhood with them (which worked in my favor sort of when a neighbor found him dead and called me). Also if I were to see a calf walking down the road odds are I’m going to take pictures and post them on facebook before I call you…. kind of like the time a rogue goat wound up in my front yard…

    Annette DiGiacomo recently posted My return…..

  130. 131
    Mare Dylan

    I am so sorry. I think I had him here for dinner Wednesday. After that, he went home.

  131. Haha! You must let us know how the new neighborhood takes it!

    Punky Coletta recently posted There was no time to wipe..

  132. I’m going to totally copy you when I move next month.

  133. Forget Fred. I wanna know what this new neighborhood thinks about Beyonce’.

    I’m betting she’s jazzed up the place…am I right?

    Carrie recently posted The very thing I didn’t want is the very thing I now have and has become the very thing I can’t live without..

  134. 135
    kathi wright

    last may, early in the morning, two goats were walking down the dirt road in front of the school i work at. they saw me and came running. so i had one black and one white goat in the school when the rest of the employees came. students didn’t believe we were teaching goat milking that day.

    anyway this poster is hilarious.

  135. One of the things on my bucket list, is to catch a bunch of fish before a fishing contest, be-dazzel them and release them. Then watch as the “serious” fishermen pull out fish with sequins.

  136. Sorry, Jenny.

    I just had fred’n’chips for dinner.

    He won’t be swimming upstream to mate anymore.

    HogsAteMySister recently posted Stupid Horking Non-Flu.

  137. Fish are like cats. When you move, you need to keep them locked in the house for a few weeks while they acclimate to their new home, or they’ll run off swim away, trying to get back to their old home. The move makes them feel like a fish out of water, so to speak. You might need to put the sign up at the old neighborhood, too. Besides, they can’t fine fin you anymore.

  138. Please imagine that “run off” and “swim away” were crossed out in that last comment. It was much funnier that way. Also? @Trish — can I borrow the bedazzled fish concept? That is AWESOME!

  139. I don’t think fish can read. Also, my aunt says that when you move you should put butter on your cats feet before you let them outside. They lick the butter off then get the new house smell and learn where they are. I don’t know if it works or not, we don’t waste butter like that here. Good luck with the never ending unpacking.

  140. Next time, you might want to think about adding, “Needs Medication,” to give it a touch of urgency.

    Anne Stinnett (Wickedelfchild) recently posted Better, Stronger, and Chompier.

  141. @ Tori be my quest! It would make watching fishing shows with my husband so much more interesting.

  142. 143
    Lady Penelope

    Last seen swimming down stream? Did the police tell you that after the first 48 hours most are presumed to be ‘sleeping with the fishes’?

  143. Something smells fishy to me about your aquatic friend’s disappearance. Why don’t you try enlisting Liam Neeson to find Fred?

    The Hook recently posted Because Everyone Else Will Wait Until Tomorrow….

  144. Oh my god this completely cracked me up. About 3 years ago I was on a family holiday and my dad attempted some badly thought out impromptu fishing. He managed to catch one. I immediately named him Fred. Fred the fish. My dad couldn’t figure out how to kill the fish though so after bashing his head a couple of times on a rock he sort of used a pliers to break its fishy neck. This isn’t really my dads sort thing and so I think I traumatised him by narrating the entire episode by lamenting for poor Fred.

    So when I saw that you had started a search for Fred I immediately send the poster to my dad.

    He knows the truth -Fred no longer sleeps with the fishes

  145. 146
    Anonymous

    alas poor fred I knew him well

  146. I want a neighbour like you, mine are soo boring.

    Vivian recently posted Sleep with one eye open.

  147. 1. Did he go missing naked like in the photo, or was he wearing clothes and a top hat?
    2. I hope he didn’t go missing naked, because that would be embarrassing.
    3. But then again, if he normally wore clothes, then this photo would pretty much be a form of porn.
    4. I love how you wrote the word “fin” and then drew what looks like a fin next to it. Some people would think you were using the term known in the writing world as a carrot, but I know better.

    Unless Fred likes carrots and you were suggesting that.

    Lisa Newlin recently posted Happy Mother’s Day to the animal moms too!.

  148. So, has the fish been located? What is the update? Are you in trouble yet? Inquiring minds want to know!

  149. This was you?! I saw this circulating the Internets and I giggled. I suppose I should have known.

    Kelly L recently posted BiSC III: Thursday (Day 1).

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s