In my defense, since I wrote about it it’s technically considered “work”.

in Random Crap

A series of emails between me and my husband:

me:  Hey.  Wanna see what I’m gonna look like when I’m old?

Victor: Is that a hat? DO NOT BUY ANOTHER HAT. We live in Texas, for God’s sake.

me:  It’s not a “hat”, Victor.  You’re insulting all three of us here.

Victor:  …Three?

me: 

Victor: This is why she doesn’t come to you when you call her.

me: She doesn’t come because she’s a cat.  She fucking loves this.  She feels useful. For once.

Victor:  Did you actually need something or…?

me:  I did have one serious question.  Does this cat make me look fat?

Victor: Stop emailing me cat pictures.

me: “Said no one ever.” Hey, I need something.

Victor: STOP EMAILING ME. I’M WORKING.

me: AND I NEED SOME BANDAIDS. Like, a lot of bandaids. And some iodine.

Victor: I’m blocking this email address.

220 thoughts on “In my defense, since I wrote about it it’s technically considered “work”.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Seriously, what kind of person doesn’t need more cat pictures? People who are working are the ones who need them most!

  4. My cats would have flipped their shit and clawed my face off. Therefore I think that your cat likes it

  8. I’m digging the fluffiness of your future hair. I would totally buy any hair styling product you were selling.

  10. I feel like my cats are not nearly fluffy enough for me to make this look work. I’m gonna need another cat…or five.. yeah I see no problem with this.

  12. **glances over at giant fat tabby laying across my desk while I try to work **
    Me: What can’t YOU do something useful like Jenny’s cats?

    Also – Doesn’t Victor work from home too? Are you emailing across the house?

  14. A couple of my cats come to me when I call them. 🙂 Not all the time, I guess they’d lose their Official Cat Cards or something, but pretty frequently.

  18. Can you text or email me? Because I would fucking love to get these sorts of messages from you. I’m serious – please!! We would have so much fun together!!

  20. Thank God Victor doesn’t work for 911 services.

    That cat could have possessed you. And he wouldn’t even *know* it!

  25. My youngest cat, Loki, prefers to be a wrist watch. He thinks he HAS to lay on my left wrist any time I’m at the computer. Just drapes his heavy self over my arm/hand.

  27. Aw, you make a super cute old lady! You (she) can take me to the cafeteria any time!

    (Orange cat on my desk in bucket next to computer is ordering me to stop reading your blog. What’s his problem? Sheesh!)

  28. OMG My daughter and I do that all the time. My daughter will put the cat on her shoulder and go, do you like my parrot? Does this parrot make my butt look fat? Then I’ll take the cat and put him around my neck and be all like, do you like my scarf? Does this scarf make my butt look fat? LOLOOLLLLLL I thought only we did that.

  31. I would like very much to ask why Victor wasn’t more supportive. It is obvious you have a serious injury requiring medical attention and he is blocking your email address?

    I am sending you bandaids.

  32. Cat is the Hat, and Other Dr. Seuss reworks with your cat:
    Oh, the Places Your Cat Will Go!
    Green Legs and Cat
    The 500 Cats of Bartholomew Cubbins
    Horton Wears a Cat!
    How the Grinch Stole a Cat and Put it on His Head

  33. I didn’t see that coming. Jesus, Jenny, you’re a riot. I don’t know how Victor isn’t just curled up in a ball laughing at your antics all the time.

    The Cat is My Hat (And Other Fashion Tips) by Jenny Lawson.

  35. You know that book “The Cat in the Hat”? Biggest typo ever. Seuss really meant “The Cat IS the Hat”.

  36. Very chic cat-hat! This is the rarely seen cat, correct? Does this cat also have a clever name? I can wear my black and white tuxedo cat as a boa, but my fat fluffy calico is far too heavy to even lift over my head….

  40. Well… If you don’t need more hats, you could always buy towels or giant metal roosters.

  41. I kept staring at the “brooches” on the front of your shirt. Turns out they aren’t brooches and I was just staring at your cleavege. Which is equally as nice as your pretend brooches.

  42. I put my cat on my head too. And I’m especially proud of her Jack Nicholson impression. It’s just a coincidence that his voice sounds a lot like mine when she does it. Mmhmm.

  44. THAT LAST PICTURE IS THE MOST ADORABLE PICTURE OF YOU THAT HAS EVER EXISTED. You look nice, too Jenny. <3

  47. @Camille, yes, she shelves her books by color, are you new here? No, seriously..? And btw Jenny, thankyou for showing me there is another reason not to murder my cat. ALSO, ever played spin the kitty? Lay them down on a non carpeted floor and spin the kitty round and round until he makes that terrible noise kids make on roller coasters when they think satan is punishing them with gravity. When you let him go you have instant drunk hobo kitty. It is completely mean but doesn’t actually hurt them. Or at least…my cat still loves me.

  50. My cat freaks out when I pick her up. I don’t think she’d go for the hat look though it would be really cool at parties. She could meow and smack people I don’t like in the head with her tail.

  51. So now I know what I’m doing when I get back home. No one warn the Penny-kitten, k?

  52. PETA can’t hate you for this picture…I guess you need the band-aids and iodine for the scratches to the side of your neck….

  53. You make me want to harrass the hell out of my husband at work. I wonder if they really do read his emails?

    And no the cat doesn’t make you look fat, you make the cat look frumpy. =)

  55. Victor’s just jealous that he doesn’t have a pussy on his head.

    What? Someone had to make that comment.

  57. This post should be subtitled “How to make your cats more stabby.”

  58. Love the hat! I’m just sad that Victor didn’t know that was Rolly from the first picture. Wow Victor, kinda embarrassed for you.

  60. My cat doesn’t like to be my hat, either. But she does like being my stole. You should try that. You might need less iodine. Or more, though putting iodine on your neck might look stupid whereas bloody scratches on your neck looks like you won the fight with the vampire. Really, there is no downside to a cat stole.
    Oh, wait, you’re in TX. So stay indoors because there is a downside to a cat stole: it’s too hot to wear outside and if you do, you’ll get sweat and wet (from sweat) cat hair in your neck wounds so…maybe…stay inside with your cat stole so the cat scratches on your neck don’t get infected because you didn’t iodine them because you wanted people to think you can outfight vampires.

  61. Brings new meaning to “Cat in the Hat”… *high hat*

    Thankyouverymuch…I’ll be here all week.

  63. Looks like somebody’s bored… instead of working, others just flip pencils into the ceiling until they stick…instead of working, you balance a cat on your head…I personally prefer your idea. Much more entertaining and unique and not so overdone as the flipping pencils into the ceiling thing…

  64. Can I be married to you? I think it’d be fun to be married to you, and I’m sure Victor could use one day off a week. ;D

  65. I can’t even find the words for how epic this post is. And now I want to go home and put my cat on my head.

  66. I literally just fell across your website the other day and honestly if I remembered how I did I would tell you!Nope I was not searching clown porn-lmao. Needless to say have not been able to get a lot of work done because I can’t stop reading your posts amd your columns! Your writing and your posts are fucking hilarious! You are also an inspiration in your writing and raw honesty about depression. Kudos to you and cheers from Vancouver, BC!

  70. You cracked me up once again..love the cat hat. Done that before as well, somehow my cats don’t seem as tolerant as yours. As for Victor….well he should have at least asked you if you were okay given the fact you asked for bandaids and iodine…LOL

  72. Oh-My-God!!! We have matching hats!! except mine is a tabby hat! lol seriously though (let’s suppose that I can be serious right now) this was the funniest blog post ever! lol And you write some funny $*^t so kudos for this idea!! I’d never block you for emailing me cat photos… I would have asked “does the carpet match the drapes?” then expected that you would send me another photo with a cat taped to your crotch area and maybe even a cat under each armpit (maybe you’re french in this scenario!) lol!!!

  73. Not that I don’t love cat pictures and agree we need more – but that top? dress? super great color!!!! Love it!

  74. That proves it – you’re gonna look awesome when you’re old.
    Also, how in the world did you get such complacent cats?!

  76. Your bookshelves are organised by book colour. That’s … a really good idea.

  78. CatHats instead of The Cat in a Hat….

    Bobcat Bonnet
    Calico Cap
    Ocelot Coronet
    Kitten Crown
    Kitty Miter
    Tiger Tiara
    Taby Toque
    Tom Turban

    Love it….. And when your wearing your Tiger Tiara, someone ticks you off, your Tiara can just take a SWIPE at them. LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea.

  81. If you haven’t already done it, I’m sure Colonel Meow would be delighted to have you submit that to his Catfro gallery on Facebook.

  85. Hmm…this towel wrapped around my head doesn’t quite have the same umph. Maybe I should dye my hair teal to match? This is too hard. I’m going to eat ice cream.

  87. I wish you had a tag for your conversations with Victor. They always make me laugh until I hurt and some days I need to do that several times.
    *eyes cat* I don’t think he’d got for it. Plus he’s way bigger and it would just look silly.

  88. You, my dear girl, are simply freaking hilarious.Thanks for being all kinds of awesome rolled into 1.

  91. My cat would seriously injure me if I tried this with her. She would NOT be amused. I, on the other hand, am.

  92. I love this post for several reasons. Cats, the possibility of hats, and the preview of what one might look like in the future – The last is rather bittersweet as Monday I wore what I thought was a nice dress to my son’s convocation only to see in photographs that is was a figure “unflattering” granny dress (gravity and boobs well they just don’t mix in that outfit). You rock that cat Ms Lawson. I’m sure if PETA wasn’t calling for the abolition of the family pet they would love your animal friendly haute couture.

  94. Brilliant! My male cat voluntarily does this while I sleep. I don’t mind in the winter – it helps keep both of us warm. My 2 female cats become extremely stabby if I try to pick them up, so placement near my tools of vision would be foolish on my part.

  98. I have a cat that looks just like that one. She’d bite my face off if I ever tried that.

    She might bite my face off tonight while I’m sleeping. We shouldn’t expect less of the lovechild of churchill creed and gmork.

  100. Can you tell us more about Rosey? We are familiar with HST and Ferris, but Rosey is much more elusive.
    Need more MEOW information.

    (Actually, it’s Rolly. She’s been around for years and she’s awesome and balancing on heads. This is her three years ago: http://thebloggess.com/2010/01/men-dont-understand-science/ She doesn’t like Hunter S. Thomcat or Ferris so she’s usually hiding. ~ Jenny)

  101. Excellent use of cat! You look wonderful, as does the cat.

    And yes, writing about it on your blog DOES make it “work”. 🙂

  103. I loved those pictures. I love Victor, I do feel for him.
    Whoever has “Read the employees mail” duty must love when they get to you two.
    Let us swamp the NSA with CatHat pictures, like they have nothing better to do.

  104. That cat looks pissed off. Probably because she’s wondering where her hat is – maybe you can use a mouse?

  106. “Cat-fro.” “The 500 cats of bathalameow cubbins”

    AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    This post and these comments have made my “not so great” day much MUCH better.

  108. I don’t think you could do that to a DEAD cat without loosing an ear let alone a live one…….how do you not have a taxidermied cat hat yet? It seems like something you would have!

  109. Jenny, your bookshelf looks color-coded … Is it alphabetized within each color scheme? P.S. The cat hat is lovely, but I agree with Victor on one point: it’s much too hot for Texas!

    (It’s actually by color and then size. I realize I have a problem. ~ Jenny)

  111. “Does this cat make me look fat?” lololol!

    I have to say, that cat is extremely slimming.

  112. In your defense, the cat is completely sitting there, taking it. As much as I am horrified when someone makes this argument, in other situations, I think this is truly the first case I’ve ever seen in my life, where someone was truly “asking for it” based on “what they were wearing”.

    If that cat wasn’t supposed to be on your head, why did it look like that?

  116. I spent the entire weekend coveting a $330 hat which I knew I could not afford and it could be pointed out to me that I live in Arizona, for god’s sake (which, BTW, Victor, usually means I WANT to wear a lot of hats)… but since I can’t afford this hat, maybe I’ll just wear my cat on my head. He might stay there a moment or two.

    And then I’d need a lot of bandaids, too.

  123. I think you would make a lovely little old lady. The cat too though maybe not the lady part?

  124. I hope I don’t have to tell you not to go for a matching hand-warmer thing (think they’re called muffs?) That would pretty much be the cow vagina thing all over again, just in miniature. And without a turkey baster.

  128. Cats NEED to feel needed. They just don’t know how to express it to you. And since they’re not paying rent – they should at least double as accessories. End of story.

  129. He would never actually block your address. Cat pictures are awesome. Everyone needs more of them. He’s just embarrassed by how much he loves them. It’s unmanly.

  130. Cats love to be useful and needed. I think I’ll go grab mine and see what I would look like with a cat-hat.

  132. He would NEVER block you. 🙂 And he obviously needed something to smile at because he sounds a little tense. 🙂 Love that you are messing with the cat and making it useful! 🙂 Everyone likes to feel useful.

  133. Hilarious! I had my husband read this and he laughed. My humorless husband laughed! You gave our early morning a good laugh! 🙂

    From the other side of the world,

    Thanks! 🙂

  135. Cat hats? That’s what they’re for… and for attempting to stab the lab with a pair of scissors (or is that only my cat?) I think she’s a great look on you.

  140. I’m probably not the first person to say this, but I’m glad you didn’t make a cat beard. I mean, not because you’d look bad with a cat for a beard, you’d be totally adorable. But everyone is making cat beards nowadays. So five minutes ago.

  142. Have you seen Colonel Meow and the “cat fro”? You should add your photo to his Facebook page.

  143. I love that he seemed LESS angry when he found out it was the cat than when he thought it was a “another hat”. ROFL.

  146. Ok, stupid question. How did you take the pictures while holding the cat. I tried to get our cat Eddie to take a Cat Head picture with me and Ginger cat, but he wasn’t available until next Tuesday. Sigh.

    (Photobooth. I recommend. ~Jenny)

  147. OMG, I love it! Our cat is a giant fluffy basketball…a basketball ass-cat that cannonballs the bed all night from way up in the windowsill. Too bad he’d look like a bearskin hat the Grenadier Guards would wear outside a royal palace because he totally deserves to be a hat. 🙂

  148. I heard on Wait Wait Don’t Tell me that someone actually did a study and discovered that people who look at cat pictures at work are happier and more productive. As a businessman Victor should know this. I blame him.

  149. Cats as hats. I think that could totally work!! If he blocks your email, how will he know when you discover something as awesome as a cat as hat? 😀

  155. And the cat is sitting there, thinking to itself…”and humans call US weird! – ooohhh! BUG!”

    Thanks for another moment of positive and amusing strangeness.
    dave

  156. man, i wish yall lived in the stepfordlands so i could entertain the possibility of running into you somewhere. yall crack me up.

  157. I think it’s just lovely that you have such a close relationship with your cat that she allows you to put her cat pubes on your head … Cat as a Hat indeed.

  158. My wife rescued a tiny TINY six week old cat from the side of the road yesterday (We live in the middle east, the little guy didn’t stand a chance – he was in the middle of the road too)

    I have since gone up to check on him and “Try him on”.

    He is more of a Yarmulke size guy, and clings happily to the approprioate part of my skull.

    I won’t be wearing him in public, I’m not sure my neighbours would see the humour.

    What with me living in the United Arab Emirates and all…

    he will be a “round the home” skull cap me thinks.

  162. Hmmm I think I saw your cats featured in the sad cats video. Just kidding but you should check it out because its hilarious.

    Go to YouTube and search sad cat. The authorities will thank you.

  163. Can we please have a moratorium on “Said no one ever”? I mean, it’s really funny here, but I’ve seen the phrase in just about every blog post I’ve read this week. Isn’t there a different meme we could use?

  164. *wipes.away.tears* Oh sweet mercy, it is good to laugh! I snorted my morning coffee when I got to the bandaids portion of the convo.

  166. My cats come when you call them. Unless they’re comfortably rolled up in something. Or interested in what they’re looking at. Or are just copping a ‘tude.

  167. You always cheer me up. You are my favorite person. Ever. Well, except for my daughter.

  168. I’m going to start sending stuff like this to my boyfriend during the day and see what happens.

    It’ll be an experiment.

  170. ok you are nuts. I love you. I am reading your book right now (well not at this exact moment as I am writing this) but I cannot stop laughing. I thought I was socially awkward, but man – you take the prize. I would so love to stand next to you at any given moment to hear what would come out of your mouth. and I wouldn’t laugh, I would egg you on. well I would laugh, but not at you, I would be laughing with you

  171. Oh the laughing… going to make my Hubs read this when he gets home, as he’s often wearing our Louie as a hat.

  172. My cat , Le Queen, obviously read your blog because I came home from work all happy to see her with my camera in hand, and she held up a sign that said, “IF YOU PICK ME UP AND PUT ME ON YOUR HEAD, I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP. I HAVE BEEN PRACTICING.”

    Well played, Meow.

  176. Beautiful kitty and beautiful smile on your face. Thanks for all your amazing post!

  181. Oh I love cats! I only wish I wasn’t allergic to them… And had a husband to email about them… Oh geez this will never be the story of my life

  183. Thank you for making me literally laugh out loud…. I just woke the baby!

  185. Your cat looks just like our oldest cat. Disgruntled glare included.
    She likes to pretend to be a rooster and meow at us until we get up and walk to the kitchen to *watch her* eat her food. It’s already in the bowl. She just needs us to witness the feast.

  187. LMAO!!!! Hysterical…. I think Cat Hats are very in this year!! Does Victor not know of the “Cat in the Hat”???
    It so doesn’t make you look fat, in a cat hat, it makes you looking feline feminine yet all the while keeping you
    toasty warm in the air conditioning!!!! Cat Hats are going to be all the rage, so what if it’s a gabillion degrees in Texas… if you got it flaunt it!

  188. you can definitely tell she feels useful… plus cat hats are all the rage! If someoneeeeeee (thanks dad) hadn’t run over my cat with his car I would totally rock a cat hat. Now I’m stuck in the squishy-pillow as hat stage. I hope to move forward someday.

  190. I am so glad I am not the only one to try out my cat as a hat. Yours makes an awesome one. Extra points for getting a picture of it. I can never manage that!

  191. Jenny, you must start a new trend. Cat hatting instead of cat bearding (which is pretty lame)… cat hatting would be awesome!

  192. This is the conversation I imagined you and victor having…

    Victor: WHY are you wearing a cat on your head???

    Jenny: because wine….

    After I heard that in my head, everything made sense

  193. hey! I also color code my bookshelf. don’t go as far as size though.

  195. I tried to do something similar with my rabbit and also needed a lot of bandages…Maybe should have trimmed his claws first…

  196. HAHA that’s awesome! So much better to wear the cat than to force the cat to wear a hat. Or unicorn horn in my case, because it needed to be done.

  197. The great thing about catwear is that it’s so versatile – hat, scarf, pillow, blanket, you name it. And they provide a free vibrating massage too.

  199. I laughed out loud, maybe wine came out my nose. Don’t be judgey. Thank you for the cat humor, I really needed it today. Btw my kids do this with their chinchilla, she always poops on their heads. Consider yourself lucky,

  200. Omg this is awesome. I have been trying to convince my cat to become a cat hat for years!

  202. You know what? You’re going to look exactly like that when you’re 80, plus a few wrinkles: a face that’s alive, amused, and thinking.

    That’s the best.

  204. I love this! I can’t imitate it, though, unless I plan on going tabby when I get older. Which, now that I think about it, might be kind of fun.

  205. Oh my gosh, it looks like you shelve your books by color. I love that! I’m going to do that! While wearing one of my cats on my head, of course.

    Do you think using a tuna fish rinse in the shower will help them stay put?

  207. Very Daniel-Boonish … or is it Davy Crockett? Not sure cos I’m an Aussie. Hilarious though! My cat would disgrace itself on my head I’m sure!

  208. Hilarious. Aside from that I’m pretty much speechless. And jealous of your genius ability to always make me laugh so hard my husband looks over at me like I’m some kinda idiot.

  209. I totally thought that was a taxidermied cat on your head. My cat would never do that.

  211. Jenny,
    Any chance I could borrow your chat for my date Thursday night? It will go perfectly with my new dog dress. 🙂

  212. What you need is a black cat. As a hat. Black cat, black hat. Black hat, black cat. It’s the same ducking thing no matter which way you say it!

  213. Please, please, please get your techy person to rework your comment section and put a like, thumbs up, or right on bro. There are so many of these that are flrickin hilarious!

  214. I have been undergoing chemotherapy and my hair fell out. I’ve been wearing a wig…and live in Florida. I have told all my friends that it feels like wearing a big cat on your head. I am calling this pic “What Jenny would look like if she had cancer.”

  216. I think my husband should meet your husband, just so I can go, “See, it COULD be worse! You could be married to HER.” I jest. sort of.

    Thanks for making me laugh, it has become harder and harder to do that recently, and I really needed it. Tell Victor if he wants to hang out with my husband I will send along a gift of new towels. and hats!

  217. I have to tell you, that I LOVE your sense of humor! We’re quite similar, and I have decided that i most definitely need to marry someone like Victor 😛 My favourite posts, are your conversations with him.. oh not to forget the chicken 😀

  218. I have the exact same cat here in new Zealand. Amazing, I’ll have to send you a photo. Igor is about 9 or 10 years old I’m not sure exactly because he appeared in my yard and I adopted him 9 years ago. He has a congenital problem with his eyes and has had to have one removed so we wont get them mixed up. He loves me with a passion because I saved him and I supply the food (he is a bit obsessed with eating as he was starving when he arrived). thanks for sharing and I hope your recovering well from your Cholecystectomy, if I was your nurse (my job) I wouldn’t yank out your drains, I think that sounds terrible. Cheers Jacqui. PS I read your book while on holiday great fun, drove my partner mad laughing aloud. TE HE.

  219. I’ve been forbidden from sending my husband pet photos while he’s working for the same reason.

    Some people just don’t appreciate the things we go through.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading