Conversations with Victor:
me: I think if I found myself in a scary movie I’d go hang out at a retirement home. Elderly people almost never get targeted by movie-based serial killers. And even if the ghost/axe murderer/whatever showed up at the old-folks-home I’d still be way faster than most of the non-ambulatory people. Plus, they’ve already lived their lives so when they selflessly said, “JUST GO ON WITHOUT ME, I’M SLOWING YOU DOWN” I could totally desert them without having too much survivor’s guilt.
me: And if I got tired of running I could just steal one of those electric wheelchairs and then I wouldn’t lose my breath and also I wouldn’t trip, which is basically how everyone dies in horror films.
Victor: You’d be fucked if there were stairs though.
me: I’m not sure I’d want to survive if running up a bunch of stairs was involved. I think if I had to run up a ton of stairs I’d probably just say “Fuck it” and just wait for the serial killer.
Victor: Wow. That’s…incredibly lazy.
me: And retirement homes probably have lots of morphine around, so if I thought I was going to get murdered I could just get really high and then I probably wouldn’t even feel being stabbed. Some ghost could crawl out of the tv and scary-shuffle toward me and instead of being terrified I’d just be like “Oh my God…I am SO HIGH.”
Victor: I think you’ve thought too much about this.
me: It’s called “emergency preparedness”, Victor.
And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:
What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
What you missed on the internets:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the wonderific folks at Bibbles, a new revolutionary bib that plays music. It’s a first-of-its-kind bib for babies and toddlers that not only helps keep children clean from messy food, but also educates and encourages healthy feeding with its entertaining songs. I don’t have a baby but I plan to buy one for my cat because I think a musical cat cape would be awesome. Buy your bibs or cat capes here, people.