Lessons I learned from horror movies

Conversations with Victor:

me:  I think if I found myself in a scary movie I’d go hang out at a retirement home.  Elderly people almost never get targeted by movie-based serial killers.  And even if the ghost/axe murderer/whatever showed up at the old-folks-home I’d still be way faster than most of the non-ambulatory people.  Plus, they’ve already lived their lives so when they selflessly said, “JUST GO ON WITHOUT ME, I’M SLOWING YOU DOWN” I could totally desert them without having too much survivor’s guilt.

Victor:  Huh.

me: And if I got tired of running I could just steal one of those electric wheelchairs and then I wouldn’t lose my breath and also I wouldn’t trip, which is basically how everyone dies in horror films.

Victor: You’d be fucked if there were stairs though.

me: I’m not sure I’d want to survive if running up a bunch of stairs was involved.  I think if I had to run up a ton of stairs I’d probably just say “Fuck it” and just wait for the serial killer.

Victor:  Wow.  That’s…incredibly lazy.

me:  And retirement homes probably have lots of morphine around, so if I thought I was going to get murdered I could just get really high and then I probably wouldn’t even feel being stabbed.  Some ghost could crawl out of the tv and scary-shuffle toward me and instead of being terrified I’d just be like “Oh my God…I am SO HIGH.”

Victor: I think you’ve thought too much about this.

me: It’s called “emergency preparedness”, Victor.

**********

And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the wonderific folks at Bibblesa new revolutionary bib that plays music.  It’s a first-of-its-kind bib for babies and toddlers that not only helps keep children clean from messy food, but also educates and encourages healthy feeding with its entertaining songs.  I don’t have a baby but I plan to buy one for my cat because I think a musical cat cape would be awesome.  Buy your bibs or cat capes here, people.

154 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Note to self: do not team up with Jenny to survive a horror movie. Unless she actually does find drugs.

    Melly recently posted I’m Not an Animal Hoarder – I Googled it so I know it’s true..

  2. 2
    Paige Hudson-Garcia

    You can NEVER be too prepared!
    (Glad to see you’re back) <3 <3 <3

  3. Huh.

    That’s actually not a bad plan.

    Andreas Heinakroon recently posted Country mouse or city slicker?.

  4. Wow you have put a lot of thought into this! I like the plan…seems legit!

    Courtney recently posted Black Birds Fly….

  5. I think I’d wait for the serial killer to. Running up stairs with my big boobs would probably kill me anyway.

    Elle recently posted I’m baking up a baby hummingbird..

  6. Taking emergency preparedness to new heights – I love it!

    Veronica Scott recently posted Weekend Writing Warriors Farewell to the Shifters For Now.

  7. You raise very good points. Victor will be grateful for your preparedness when the psycho-zombie-pirate-ninja apocalypse occurs.

    Kaitlyn recently posted Wise at Any Age book launch!.

  8. Note to self: have a stash of morphine in my purse and keep a stray elderly person with me at all times.
    You possibly just saved future me from a horrible stabbing. THANK YOU.

    Banana Stickers recently posted I have a horrible case of the kittens..

  9. Haha! I love hearing your hilarious conversations!

    Punky Coletta recently posted Adventures in Maine.

  10. Anytime your post starts with “A conversation with Victor”, I know it’s going to be good!!

    I wish I could get into your head and see what you see. “Being Jenny Lawson” would be a trip (morphine included).

  11. That’s actually a fabulous plan on so many levels! There’s no way you would die being the fastest one in the nursing home.

    Amanda R. recently posted I’ve Learned Another Parenting Lesson the Hard Way.

  12. 13
    SCCVespaGirl

    Love the plan. Can you come and work for our Office of Emergency services? Seriously?

    And I am so getting that T shirt for a friend of mine. She has a huge stockpile of red wine at her house. I think she’s going to use it instead of the morphine when the serial killers come.

  13. New zombie emergency plan.

    Holly Folly recently posted Hay Storage, Raising the Logs..

  14. Note to self: Do not team up with Jenny in order to survive a serial killer because she will get you high, then dead.

    Courtney recently posted Grimm.

  15. While I agree with the logic of this plan (kinda scary, that), I also refuse to think you would totally abandon your fellow house-mates. I think if you had to spend more than, say, 3 days with the old folks, you’re the kind of person who would have befriended at least half of them. So then what, Jenny? Do you abandon all your new friends? Do you run out on Carl (your favorite checkers buddy), Phyllis (who has that really amazing-tasting pie crust recipe), and Mr. Brunswick (the nice man who used to sell encyclopedias to inner city families)?

    I think not! *cue “Jenny trains old people to fight back”-montage*

    (And that would be the second half of the movie. The redemption part. ~ Jenny)

  16. 17
    E M Foster

    I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about some of the things you do, but that’s why I read your blog. You think about those things and come up with awesome solutions, so I too am prepared. Also, I read because I like to laugh. Laughing is good and you certainly know how to make people do that! :-D

  17. There for a nano-second I thought you were going to buy a kid. Whew!

  18. Also, old people are extremely resourceful. Ask a grandmother for just about anything and she has it in her purse, plus some tissues in her sleeve just in case and cough drops in her pocket in case you need a snack.

    Allison recently posted Do-It-Yourself Chicken Nuggets.

  19. You will most likely see this scenario printed on the next CDC’s website presentation for
    “Serial Killer Preparedness” (you should so sue them)

  20. 21
    Shannon Fielding

    Sounds like the discussion my husband and I had about running into a bear during our walk. I’d be fucked. He could totally outrun me.

  21. I think I would go to the Opera. Other than the titular Phantom of The… you don’t really see monsters at the opera much. Or the ballet. But those chicks at the ballet are crazy strong and probably hungry… so maybe not the ballet. Ballerinas are one government tested super virus away from turning on us and grand jetee’ing over our corpses. Great, I think I just ruined my daughter’s recital for myself.

    Leroy recently posted Orlando Red Light Ticket Appeals.

  22. I think if a serial killer were chasing me, rather than running, I’d knife that fucker. Because nobody seems to think of that, they just run away with their hands all flapping and then fall down when they look behind them. Don’t look behind you! Run far enough and hide and then jump his ass!

    Actually, I guess in those horror movies, they’re technically spree killers. But technicalities can be so tiresome.

    Jen recently posted Natura Dog Food Recall.

  23. I’d run up the stairs. Probably there are more old people up there and being old they can’t manage stairs either so the killer would be a very long time not leaving any survivors behind, giving me plenty of time to find a hiding place.

    stacey@havoc&mayhem recently posted Scavenger Hunt Update.

  24. word to the wise: Don’t bother with the electric scooter. Those things are so damn slow even a zombie high on morphine could outrun an electric scooter.

    Speaking of which. I wonder if zombies CAN get high on morphine? If so, maybe that would be a good defense. Give all the zombies morphine and then they will all be sitting around waving their hands in front of their faces and completely forget that they were hungry for brains.

    Kari recently posted Spandex is your best friend, and other things I learned at the Hard Charge.

  25. Your imaginary well dressed toddler pinterest makes me wonder if I’m the only one whose kids can ruin an outfit within 5 minutes of putting it on?

    Breann recently posted Make an Ass Out of You and Me.

  26. I run like a freak…..like my knees glue together and my arms do some crazes windmill thing. So my theory is if someone ever wants to kill me and I try to run, I’ll escape only because they will be laughing so hard they’ll stop chasing me.

  27. Heh, I made a comic very similar to this a couple weeks ago. *points at link down there*

    JRose recently posted Life Lessons: Inside Voices.

  28. As a nursing home worker, I can unequivocally say that is the most brilliant plan ever because ALL OF IT IS TRUE.

  29. I don’t see a problem. Most retirement homes are single story. Those old folks can’t be going up and down stairs either. I guess they might have a service elevator, but I’d avoid the elevators as well. Serial killers would totally be cutting the cables so you’d plummet to your death.

    Liz Harman recently posted Hi, my name is Liz and I am a Yankee Candle addict..

  30. The second I started the cat video my cats decided it was Wrestling Time ™ and chasing each other around the house. Normally the dog likes to play around too, but this time she was eating so all she could manage was a half-bark merf with her mouth full.

    TL;DR version – my cats like the video. Or it overstimulated them and made them violent.

    Kelly at Cibatarian recently posted Cocoamoda: Chocolates.

  31. I think you might be a genius… Horror movie, nothing! I’m applying this to my zombie survival plan!

  32. Liz is right-most nursing homes/retirement homes are only one level or no more than a couple-I’m sure you could manage one or two flights of stairs if you had too-plus why would you be going UP? You’d be set in pudding and coffee for YEARS there, that’s for sure. I vote for carrying a Katana-just like Michon in the Walking Dead. No bullets needs but keeps zombies/killers at arms length. I’d say your plan has serious merit-and Victor better let you lead. ;)

  33. Glad you said “almost” because Bubba Ho-tep was all about murders in an old people home; I think your plans would work great!

  34. I think we’ve both thought about this waaaaay too much. :)

  35. Run. Or don’t. My horror movie watching days say you are probably toast anyway! ;)

    thedoseofreality recently posted Hunger Is Something We Take Personally.

  36. Jeeeezus. Now I’m having flashbacks. Either you just described my childhood which I can’t fully remember due to PTSD blackouts or all the morphine, OR I was an elderly person some terrified chick used as a shield while under assault by a serial killer in a previous life. Or both. Yeah…probably both.

    MILF Runner recently posted How in the fuck do people blog every single mutherfucking day?.

  37. Horror film mistake number one: running UP the stairs to get away from the zombie murderer bad guy. NEVER DO THAT.

  38. With every passing post, I have more respect for your minions and how you attract, just the most exacting standards of awesomely fragile but beautiful people. Proud to be a Lawsbian!!

    Miss Gee recently posted Building A Book Igloo Is Definitely On The Bucket List..

  39. In any apocalyptic/serial killer/monster situation you don’t have to be fastest: you just have to be faster than the slowest person. Seems like a solid plan to me.

    Jess recently posted Eyeore and Woody. (and Oompa Loompa Flower Children, if we're counting ALL the weird today).

  40. i think you’ve worked out an excellent plan

    Geek Goddess recently posted My Inner Tacky Butterfly Child, or How I Learned to Flutter.

  41. I like that even though the conversation seemed to catch him off guard, Victor gave this enough thought to mention stairs.

    Loved the cat video. I think you could substitute my dogs without changing any of the song except the litter box part.

    Sue recently posted First week back to work.

  42. From what I’ve seen, serial killers in retirement homes would just add excitement of the end that’s coming anyhow.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted People think they get cred for how LONG they were addicted.

  43. just pictured you getting a bunch of old folks high As hell and sending them screaming down the hallways In rogue wheelchairs hollarin’ “Knock knock Mot@®Rfu#Ker!”. NO WAY they get past all that noise.

  44. If you are in a nursing home and it has stairs..it should ALSO have an elevator(Because of that handicapped equal law or whatever) so then there is no dying. Unless some other geriatric grabs it first and heads to the 16th floor..

  45. I wonder if this plan would work for the zombie apocalypse. Zombies are always attacking malls, schools, farmhouses, and secret underground laboratories, but I never see them chomping on the old folks’ home.

    KMB recently posted Can't post, trapped under library collapse.

  46. Quality….so much quality stuff in here. You are too funny!

  47. Oh, I definitely want a Because Wine t-shirt. I keep hinting to my kids about stuff I want from your store. Why do they give me a waffle iron instead?

    Will I have to wait until I am in the nursing home for the Because Wine shirt? (Because Whine)

    Kathleen recently posted Off the Hook.

  48. I don’t know – don’t serial killers in horror movies use whatever is at hand as a weapon? Think of all the potential weapons in a nursing home – needles, false teeth, bed pans, ENEMAS….. It could be bad.

    Sherry recently posted I Break-A You Kneecaps.

  49. Have you seen Bubba Ho-Tep? Cause that’s a horror movie set in a nursing home.

  50. I’m with one of the earlier commenters. If I were being chased by a serial killer, I would kill the shit out of him/her/it. I’m a mom of four, and dammit if I don’t have superpowers because of that. I did natural childbirth, too, so I can totally DEAL with a fracking psychopath. Jason Vorhees? No problem. Michael Myers? Got it. That demon dude from The Exorcist? No problem. I have more anger than all of those combined. Bring it.

    Come to think of it, if I were to become a serial killer, I would be a serial killer of serial killers. But not Dexter because he’s totally cool. Unless he was going to kill me because I’m a serial killer of serial killers. Then I’d have to kill his ass, too. And the zombies, of course.

    I have clearly had too much coffee this morning. I’m actually a nice person. Mostly.

    Jules recently posted Food is Pretty..

  51. I think there should totally be a horror movie where the old people ARE the serial killers. Maggie Smith and Bill Nighe could be some badass killers. Tired of jello with a hard skin and Matlock reruns they start taking out the nursing home staff. Then when their ungrateful kids come to ask about money they can smother them with a pillow. They could trip people to make them fall down stairs with their walkers. Quick – call Hollywood.

  52. OMG love the cat vid, and love the pinterest board. Best.Thing.Ever.

  53. Added bonus of nursing home is that you immediately smell like ham and antiseptic, which is usually a ghost/axe murderer repellent. Ted Bundy would’ve taken a pass on any ham scented person. Dahmer, perhaps not.

    Julie the Wife recently posted The Son vs.The Wasp: Cage Match.

  54. Bubba Ho Tep.
    Go watch it. Yes, it’s campy, but retirement home horror (comedy)

    Azsunyx recently posted My friends say I shouldn't like Tom Hiddleston because he is too old, he is only 31. Imagine if they knew about....

  55. You really have to watch the movie Bubba Ho-Tep. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0281686/
    from IMDB: “Elvis and JFK, both alive and in nursing homes, fight for the souls of their fellow residents as they battle an ancient Egyptian Mummy.”
    Awesome. Ossie Davis rocks.

  56. See, but now, too many people are going to follow your example. Like me.
    See you there!

    Melissa recently posted I’m tying the knot- pour me a shot!.

  57. You. Are. BRILLIANT.

    Jennifer recently posted Bye Bye Birdy.

  58. Totally cracked me up!! :)

  59. Wow! You really have put a ton of thought into this. I love, love, love reading your conversations with Victor. Nothing seems to phase him.

  60. How am I the first person to comment who’s reminded of the Doctor Who episode with the dream crystal things where the residents of the old people’s home BECAME the serial killers? I’ve never been able to feel quite as safe in nursing homes again.

    Sarah Fowler recently posted We Are Not Called to Worry.

  61. Great, I’ve got a presentation to give today and instead of focusing on what I’m saying, I’m totally going to be looking at the audience and wondering which ones of them I can outrun if a serial killer or zombie attacks. Since the audience will be mostly college kids, I’m pretty sure the answer is “not many.”

    Shelley recently posted Full House. I Win!.

  62. LOL, it’s good to have a plan. My plan was to just go all Jesus-ey on them and start trying to cast their demons. Then they’d be all freaked out and scared to kill me cause they’d know I could do some serious haunting.

    Deanna Fisk recently posted How to build an airplane inside the house.

  63. That sounds like a good plan.

    I need to google retirement homes around me. Always good to know where they are beforehand.

    Carol recently posted The Plot Whisperer.

  64. I also don’t get why they always split up or start to argue about petty things. It seems that people being stalked in horror movies never watched any horror movies before.

    Vivian recently posted I don't want to get up.

  65. I think I’d rather be caught by the serial killer than run around my MIL’s retirement place. BTW, speaking of cats on the head: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/bakery-error-sees-cat-cap-graduate-head-portrait-cake-article-1.1376008

    whatimeant2say recently posted Some Seek Asylum While Others Should Be in an Asylum.

  66. Ahh! The “I’m a Stupid Cat!” video. I had that on repeat for about a week when it came out. The guy also did some funny parodies of Cleveland’s Tourism Board “Make a video” campaign from a while back. Thanks for reminding me about it!

  67. Somebody has made this movie:

  68. There could be tons of serial murderers preying on the elderly in nursing homes, and the homes covering it up by saying, “They died of complications of old age” and failing to mention that the complication was that being old, they could not outrun a serial killer.

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Gift of monkeys.

  69. “Conversations with Victor” should be your next book, cuz I would buy the shit out of that!!

  70. Hi Jenny,

    I love your work, and have been following your blog for years. If memory serves correctly, I found another blogger I like through your site, Sunny Haralson of Rubypearl. She’s a hilarious, deeply thoughtful writer,who after years of effort is getting her book published. I don’t know her personally, just like I don’t know you, but I think her project is the kind you’d want to back. If you could mention her kickstarter (http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/vivianvalentinepress/beauty-tips-for-the-bereaved-by-sunny-haralson) on your blog, I’m sure she’d get enough support to be able to publish a paperback version of her book, as well as go on tour. I don’t have much influence, but even a mention on your blog, could change this marvelous lady’s life for the better. if you read only one example of her writing, I’d recommend this piece: http://rubypearlslips.blogspot.com/2013/03/waves-of-awesome.html
    Whether you make the recommendation or not, thanks for being the awesome lady you are.

    EthelQ recently posted Whether You're Ready or Not.

  71. Oh, please have your next book be called ‘Conversations With Victor’.

  72. It was comforting to see that so many people brought up Bubba Ho-tep. It really doesn’t get better than that movie.

  73. Bubba Ho-Tep may change your mind about nursing home safety! LOL

  74. 75
    Melissa G.

    You need to watch Bubba Ho-Tep with Bruce Campbell to see a great horror film set at a retirement home. It may help you prepare.

  75. Being prepared is good, especially while high…

    The Redneck Princess recently posted A three hour tour….

  76. I am totally getting a new tshirt. Yep. Need the wine shirt, thx!

  77. Are you forgetting Bubba Hotep?? C’mon. Oh, and in some movies, old people get to be the FIRST zombies and they’re worse than regular slow zombies because they have bionic bits and walkers. Seriously, you need to rethink this. Maybe go camping before the apocalypse or something, but not an old people’s home. Besides, I used to work at one and they will straight up poop all over you. This plan needs work, sister.

    MsHazard recently posted PMDD (Once More, With Feeling!).

  78. Are there no cats at this nursing home?

    And you are really going to live there.

    Just you and the morphine and no cats?

    What will you wear on your head?

    HogsAteMySister recently posted Why? Because Blog Q&A’s Are Totally Googlitious.

  79. ‘I don’t have kids but I plan to buy one for my cat….’ Ummm – Hailey??

    (Ha! I meant bib-wearing aged kids. At eight she’s fairly past the bib stage. ~ Jenny)

  80. Your imaginary toddler is hilarious and has finally sent me to bed…Because wine.

    LittleWing recently posted Abbie Monogram Case-Mate Tough iPhone 5G Cases iPhone 5 Cover.

  81. I like the retirement home plan. Good thinking!

    Loved the cat thing. Laughed until I felt sick. THE BEST!

    Brenna recently posted Switched at Birth?.

  82. Excellent plan. And I totally understand the serial killer over stairs thing. For example, I hate running. I hate it so much that the only time I’ll ever run is to save my life. And the only way running could save my life is if a midget with a knife is chasing me. Because I’m only 5’2″, so I’d only have hope of outrunning my pursuer if he was a midget, but even if he was a midget with a gun he could still shoot me, so he would have to be a midget with a close-range weapon like a knife. Emergency preparedness secured.

  83. Obviously I’m not saying anything original here, but um…Bubba Ho-tep. I saw it at the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin when it was released, which I just looked up and saw was back in 2002, which makes me feel super old. Thanks a lot.

  84. I have missed you so much… recovering from a second brain surgery was much more of a full time job than I ever thought it would be. But each day I can be closer to more awesomeness. Thanks for keeping a candle in the weird window ;)

    Eustice The Sheep recently posted Because we KNOW how to have fun!.

  85. This conversation is the reason you need a reality show. :)

    Melissa recently posted Pardon My Dust.

  86. I’m with you on the nursery home. I’ve already watched too many scary movies. Scary movies can make you freak out and do truly stupid things…

    Cara(Eli) recently posted The embarrassing confession of a middleaged white crazy woman with too much imagination.

  87. I hope you watch Bubba Hotep. Because nowhere is safe from the apocalypse. And it has old people one of whom might be Elvis. Maybe. ^_~

    MsHazard recently posted This is what happens when Twitter puts me in jail.

  88. Why only Women’s shirts for the “Because Wine” shirts?

    That is a major part of my life philosophy. There are many men who would want that shirt too.

    In fact, even though I have read your website for ages, this is the first time I was motivated enough to post a comment…because…well…well, because WINE!!!

    Shit. It’s that important.

    (There should be a button to let you order in different styles. Sometimes it disappears though. ~ Jenny)

  89. Ha! My friend and I have totally worked out our emergency plan for a zombie apocalypse – I think she’s only picked me as part of the rescue squad because she reckons she can outrun me. What she’s failed to take into account is that my irrational zombie phobia will give me wings.

  90. I think we need to meet Quinoa’s less fashionable friends Spelt and Groats.

    Also, Bubba-Hotep, because Bruce Campbell and Ossie Davis. Together.

  91. Are you sure you didn’t already take the morphine my sweet? But I have to say, with you on the stairs thing ;)

    Tom Stronach recently posted Asgard :the power of the talking hammer by Charlie Kennedy (age 7).

  92. 93
    Candy @ Candypolooza

    All things I too have considered.. I mean you can never be too careful.. And please note: DO NOT GO SEE WHAT EVERYONE IS RUNNING FROM!! Just run bitch!! Xoxo

    Candy @ Candypolooza recently posted Easy Canvas Prints Review and Giveaway.

  93. I think it might be time to re-watch Exorcist III with the little old lady vamping around on the ceiling of the nursing home. Awesomeness. Unless, of course, you’ve blocked out that movie from your cerebral cortex because it was pretty fucking bad.

  94. “small non-cursing kids.” only cursing kids here! just kidding. well, kind of. ;o)

    monica recently posted Sorry, y'all. I'm busy procrastinating....I mean drinking....I mean procrastinating..

  95. The scary-shuffle FREAKS ME THE F* OUT.

    Also, having worked for a retirement community, I can only hope for the serial killer’s/monster’s/zombie’s sake that they don’t attack during bingo. Shit gets REAL during bingo.

  96. Jenny, you might get a kick out of the event that my cousin and his wife are running later this summer… it’s a cross between (among?) a 5k road race, an obstacle course, and a live-action haunted house. No kidding — people dressed as zombies try to steal your health flags, and you try to make it to the finish line “uninfected”. It sounds like a total gas. http://www.runforyourlives.com/zombie Spectators encouraged…I just wish my cousins were running at the event in my state instead of 3000 miles west.

    Oh, and for those of us who like zombies… this would make a rockin’ groom’s cake, maybe a wedding cake if you’re getting married on Halloween or Dio de les Muertos?

    http://shine.yahoo.com/shine-food/most-horrifying-wedding-cake-ever-161400393.html

  97. Very well thought out plan. They should put you in charge of emergency relief. Definitely!

    Mona (Moxie-Dude) recently posted I must be growing up because being single has a whole new perspective from up here.

  98. I’m TOTALLY with the other 9 people on here who mentioned Bubba Ho-Tep! Go see it! It’s a riot! And…Bruce Campbell!!! Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s on Netflix, but Cannibal! The Musical is, so, BONUS (and totally unrelated, except that it’s also horribly awesome)!

  99. Actually, I think you are missing a major marketing/branding opportunity….Because Wine. Not just a shirt with that awesomeness upon it, but….actual wine. And here’s the kicker: Arty photos of one of the taxidermied lovelies in your fabulous collection (and once this takes off, you will be able to use photos of all of them, on different varietals, which will then substantiate the need for you to acquire MORE of them, as your brand expands. WIN!!!!
    “Because Wine…because”

    claire recently posted Le Roi est mort.

  100. No. you don’t want to be in a retirement home. In your headlong dash for safety, you will fall over a loudly kvetching elderperson whose TV remote doesn’t work. And then the killer will get you.

    I used to work for a county government agency that was on the second floor of an old elementary school. (Area Agency of Aging, NOT to be confused with the Department Agency, both mini-bureaucracies were on the second floor, each piloted by a power princess, merriment and confusion ensued).

    So, there I was, peacefully working on the second floor, when hey presto, the fire alarm went off. Literal person that I am, I thought fire alarm = blazing inferno somewhere = time to leave. So I got my handbag and headed for the stairs.

    Did I mention that the first floor was a Senior Center, dedicated to the daily amusement and enrichment of the elderly? [FAILFAILFAIL]

    If there HAD been a real fire, I would have burned to death, because all of the elderistas were clogging the exit door, milling about and whining. “Oh but it’s so HOT outside, why do we have to leave the building?” (BeCAUSE, Granny, it’s going to be a lot hotter in HERE if there’s a fire.) “Oh, but I had just gotten my coffee, I don’t want to go.”

    Anyway, I managed to work my through the sniveling seniors and went outdoors, to await events. Eventually someone in my department came over and said “It was drill, you can come in now.”

    Naturally there was an pompous memorandum Addressed to All because We Did Not Promptly Exit the Building When the Alarm went Off The Way We Supposed To. (Hey, pompous memo-writer — I did!!!) It seems I would have been the only survivor…

  101. See … the only hitch would be if the serial killer/zombie was like a lion, for instance. Lions are totally attracted to the prey that separates himself from the group. And while all the fogeys would be glued together in their terror-induced inactivity, you would be bookin’ down the hallway all by your lonesome, just inviting the serial killer/zombie along for the chase. That’s the only flaw I see in the plan.

    But yeah, the morphine sounds good.

  102. Glad to see so many other people mentioned Bubba Ho-Tep! Really, if there is a more Bloggess movie, I’m not sure what it would be.

  103. If I have learned ANYTHING from scary movies it is that going upstairs always gets you killed! Always! Don’t run up the stairs, run out the door!

    CrissyMoss recently posted The Self-Publishing Round Table.

  104. Bibs as cat capes? GENIUS. My cat could totally pull off a cape.

    Daniel J. Hogan recently posted How to Make a Cat Bed.

  105. My startle reflex is so hyper-overdeveloped that I have been banned from going to see horror movies. The first loud surprise moment and I’m jumpy enough to throw popcorn and soda three or four rows back. Plus I get bad dreams and wake my husband up every five minutes to check for noises. I will, however, make a mental note of these survival tips, just in case.

    Robyn Straley recently posted A man must eat a peck of salt . . ..

  106. Was going to mention Bubba Hotep, but someone beat me to the punch. That is an awesome movie.

  107. gosh. you are so smart!! of all the times I’ve thought of this scenario I cannot believe I’ve never thought of a senior home…. old people creep me out though so that may be why. Anyway, GENIUS.

    xo

    danielle recently posted Cookie Dough Fro-Yo; No machine required..

  108. Furthermore, just think of ALL the hard candies you’ll be able to score while you’re waiting to die. Dude, snacks…they’re important.

    Megly Mc recently posted Justifiable Who-i-cide..

  109. So I read this hysterical story and my first thought was of The Bloggess. We have all been there at one time or another.

    http://hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that-almost-altered-my-destiny

  110. Except you’re forgetting that Doctor Who episode where the old people ARE the murderers….though they *were* pretty slow.

    One demon child is enough
    http://dawndidwhat.wordpress.com/2013/06/24/one-demon-child-is-enough/

  111. The morphine idea is solid gold. If I’m gonna die, no matter what the cause, I want to be happy… and who isn’t happy on morphine??

    Emelie recently posted Awkwardly Wonderful Dating Advice.

  112. I was going to mention Bubba Ho-Tep (http://www.bubbahotep.com/) but then people already did!!!!
    These commenters, these are my people.

  113. To be fair, everything on Pinterest could legitimately be labeled “My Imaginary….”

    Dana the Biped recently posted Announcement.

  114. Today has been non-stop, and I figured I could take a 5 (10) minute reader-break — this post was *so* worth it. Thanks for sharing your genius, it makes my smile muscles work instead of my frown/concentration muscles!

  115. 1) Cat. Video. AWESOME.

    B) I think you’ve got this axe murderer thing down to a science. I’m way jelly that I didn’t think of it.

    III) I keep meaning to comment on the “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” thing on the shops and keep forgetting. Fucking. Brilliant.

    Mel recently posted Sneak Peek at Distance and Time.

  116. 118
    Christine

    The Canadian Government prepares you for zombie attacks. Seriously.
    http://www.emergencyinfobc.gov.bc.ca/zombie-preparedness-week-are-you-ready.html

  117. Well… that really is a GREAT idea. Unless, of course, you end up in a old folks home filled with old people like that creepy geezer in Legion… Then you’re fucked.

  118. I’m so confused, why did everyone start talking about zombies? I went back and read the post again, and there is no mention of zombies. Zombies are a different strategy than serial killers, people. Serial killers are sneaky, and WANT you to be terrified and even though they will stab you, they probably won’t eat you. Zombies, you can hear them coming, and they are just chasing you to stay alive…circle of life, good zombie nutrition stuff. Now if zombies were following the serial killer and eating you after you get stabbed, I’d totally want the morphine.

    The good news is, retirement homes almost never have stairs, because none of the residents would make it up them either–even if there weren’t zombies or serial killers chasing them. Come to think of it, would old people even notice if there were a zombie among them? They all shuffle along at about the same rate of speed. If I serial killer were in a retirement home, would anyone notice that he had killed anyone? If they were just lying there anyway? Maybe at lunchtime…

    If I were in a scary movie, I would totally go somewhere where people don’t want to leave, like a Star Trek convention…because then we’re also killing two birds with one stone, right?* And it might be more challenging for the serial killer, which would make him happy too.**

    Why did a discussion on serial killers and zombies set me off like this?

    *actually, I love Star Trek, I would be really sad if I got everyone killed. Especially Patrick Stewart or Zachary Quinto.

    **I keep referring to the serial killer as “he” and I didn’t want anyone to think I was discriminating, that’s just statistically likely it would be a guy.

  119. Technically, I think you do have a kid. Unless I missed a post.

  120. Brilliant!!!!

  121. Oh you are always a good read

    Jules recently posted title-less.

  122. Ok, you’ve totally got something there. Starting my prep list now. When I’m in one of those homes some day, I’ll always have a friend who’s not as quick as I am in the wheel chair. Same principle as the bear thing… don’t have to run fast. Just faster than the guy you’re with.
    Thanks for the giggles, Jenny.

    Lynn Arnold-Jacques recently posted If a camel winks at you, just run..

  123. I can’t say that I had ever considered an ‘escape from serial killer’ strategy before. Then again I don’t watch horror movies either. I think that I will have to start making some plans. Although if you turned it into a because wine situation then there would be no need for prescription drugs or running away. In fact if you drink enough the serial killer might think you are dead already thus escaping the painful stabby stuff. I think the associated hangover would be worth it.

    Kattie recently posted Exhausted.

  124. All planned out!
    Would you prefer slow poke zombies from Resident Evil or the Olympic runner zombies of World War Z? :D

    monalisachong recently posted Marriage and Annoying Behavior (It’s me, Not him).

  125. How did I not think of this. I started working on my plan today. But what if they are zombieland zombies and you only have access to twinkies!

  126. All retirement homes have to have ramps and elevators to be ADA compliant, so even if there were steps, there would be an alternate route for travel just for safety.

    Suck on that, Victor!

    *If you were in a nursing home that wasn’t ADA compliant, you should still report them to the government. That could be the last call you make before your phone goes dead and then you realize the call is coming from inside the house.

    You would die a hero….kind of.

    Lisa Newlin recently posted Where in the World is Edward Snowden? A New Board Game.

  127. When my husband and I read your book, we both laughed uncontrollably. Afterwards, my husband asked me when I had time to write a book. He thought that you and I had far too much in common to be a coincidence. I also have one tiny stuffed mouse that I adore. The main difference is that I stuffed my little guy myself. Now you tell the horror movie conversation. Just last week, my husband and I talked about characters in my life and their parts, if it were a horror movie… It makes me love you. We’ve never met and most likely never will. However, you are dearly loved non the less. Thank you for the laughter.

  128. watch Cocknies vs. Zombis and you’ll see where you may be wrong…

  129. Cat video = awesome!! LOL
    I ordered the shirt – thank you! <3 Devan

  130. Interesting perspective on the plight of old people, Bloggess…

    The Hook recently posted The Past is Behind Us. The Future is Out of Reach. So Live for Today..

  131. I think you might be a genius.

    Georgina recently posted In The Moment 4.

  132. 134
    Andrea Avery

    OK, so you would think that hiding in an old folks home is a good idea EXCEPT that my friend Hot Mess Princess (http://hotmessprincess.com/) told me that in The Exorcist III that’s EXACTLY where the demon was hiding. He was possessing old people’s bodies, who then crawled on ceilings and chopped people’s heads off with a gigantic pair of scissors (you know the kind coroners use to decapitate the dead). I don’t want that happening to me! I’d rather be running from Chucky than a demon possessed dead person with a pair of REALLY large scissors!

  133. Scary shuffle! LOL exactly…that scene from ‘The Ring’ still haunts me to this day.

  134. Ooooh…you can get the “Because Wine” t-shirt in maternity! Perfect!

  135. You clearly have not watched BubbaHotep Jenny. You must remedy this immediately before you go touting old folk’s homes as murder-free.

  136. OMG, this is awesome! I work at a Nursing home….and now I know where to go if I get attacked by zombies, ghosts, or a “whatnot”. Fo.Real.
    I’ve never heard of any killers coming in here, so maybe old people are their kryptonite….

  137. Oddly enough I wrote about “how horror movies have affected my life” after I came home to find a door, that was previously opened, now closed and also found myself incapable of opening it to find out if there were horrors hiding behind it.

  138. word

  139. Retirement homes…
    We’ll all end up in one sooner or later…

  140. 142
    David Krupp

    I’d just like to say that all the folks here that know about Bubba Ho-Tep gives me hope for the world in some weird fashion.

  141. you are brilliant!!!!! best plot ever. the only way to stay alive is usually to be a virgin. old folks home is the second best way to stay alive!!

  142. Wait. I’m confused on the part where you said “I don’t have kids.”

    Haley.

    Haley.

  143. Okay, upon further evaluation, I read all the comments and now realize only TWO people besides me caught the kid comment.

    (P.S. – say “caught the kid comment” five times fast.)

    (P.P.S. – Haley, honey, I’m so sorry. for everything.also I wish I had your life.)

    (Ha! I meant kids little enough to wear bibs. I changed it to “a baby” so it’d make more sense. ~ Jenny)

  144. 146
    Lady Penelope

    I learned it’s best to *be* the serial killer … (insert clap of thunder and flash lightning)

  145. Bubbahotep

  146. 148
    Matt Wennerlund

    One more for Bubba-Hotep, right up your alley.

  147. Genius, also a great zombie apocalypse plan.

    Amber recently posted Customers.

  148. Came here, CTRL-F, “Bubba Ho-Tep”

    Thanks, other Bloggess readers for being awesome.

  149. When you said “I don’t have a baby but I think I’ll buy one for my cat” I thought you meant you were going to buy a baby for your cat. And I didn’t question it. Not one bit.

  150. Wow, that was quite a plan. Do you really have these conversations? Too funny.

    Paloma Cruz recently posted Houston Restaurant Weeks.

  151. This conversation is too funny. Retirement homes are definitely the way to go in a horror movie.

    HomeHero recently posted Prescription drug coverage and the Affordable Care Act for seniors.

  152. I always justify my survival by, “Yeah, but nobody in horror movies ever has a dog.”
    Then I’ll watch one with a dog…
    So I’ll change it to, “Yeah but nobody in horror movies ever has TWO dogs.”
    Then they’ll have two dogs…
    So I’ve changed it to, “YEAH, BUT NOBODY IN A HORROR MOVIE HAS TWO DOGS AND A CANARY! A facial piercings! A collection of dolls! AND a motherfucking TARDIS tea infuser! SO THERE!”

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