Drugs wrote this post

in Random Crap

If you read my book then you know that I have a slipped disc in my neck from brushing my hair too hard (this is a thing) and once every few years it slips back out again and then I spend the day wrapped up in heating pads and a snuggie of self-pity.  Today it happened again and I took some Vicodin and made this pie chart.  It made me laugh, but I assume it’s just because I’m really high.

PS.  I apologize.  I’ll probably be much slightly less high tomorrow.

192 thoughts on “Drugs wrote this post”

Read comments below or add one.

  8. I’m only ever a freak in the sheets when I think I felt a spider in there with me. The flailing, the squeaking, the sheets tangling me closer to the creature…it’s just, well, freaky.
    I’m not even scared of spiders.
    You’re a lot more productive when you’re all drugged up than most anyone I know, so congratulations on that!

  10. I’ve never had a slipped disk, but I do get a very bad neck often due to tension headaches. So in some way, I know how you feel, being stoned on painkillers and wrapped in heating pads.
    Feel better soon!

  11. Goddammit… I sometimes hate how much I want to be you… and I then I remember how awesome you are and I’m like “No, Emelie. You’re dreams are totally valid.”

  13. Looks more like a pie chart my husband would make about me. Glad I’m not alone…. as always. Stay freaky.

  14. I feel bad to laugh because you’re in pain, but this post made me laugh a lot. I hope you get feeling better soon!!

  18. I am no longer a freak in the sheets! I’m getting divorced! I also have a slipped disc in my neck but I blame that on getting freaky in the sheets.

  20. I chuckled but then I am sleep deprived due to having a newborn….its like Vicodin minus any fun or addictive qualities, right?

  21. That cracked me up, and I’m only on my regular meds, which are for migraines and not nearly as fun as Vicodin. 😀

  22. I’m freaky in the sheets when I try to jump out of bed in a hurry screaming “Get the fuck off the curtains you little bastard!!!” To my cat who is obsessed with destroying my house one curtain at a time

  23. I wish my vicodin made me this creative… or creative at all. Sadly, even taking two is just like aspirin for me

  25. Jen you make you crack up so hard. I love when your blog posts pop in my Facebook newsfeed. Here is to hoping that you do feel better tomorrow. And high or not that pie chart is funny! =D

  27. This would only be TMI if you included information about relative amounts of time.

    Also, I’m not on anything at all (well, I am a bit hungry), and it made me giggle. Because of the awesome.

  29. I can TALK about freak-in-the-sheets stuff a lot, but really I usually just sleep. Sad, I know.

    Mmm…pie.

  30. bahaha!

    Also, I’ve been meaning to leave this comment awhile now, but I’m such a lurker on here that I haven’t.

    I’ve recently become really good friends with a fellow blogger that I’ve never met. The one day my Fiance (who never reads) bought a book for his Kindle and kept telling me how hilarious it was, and that the book, for some reason, reminded him of myself and my good blog friend. I really don’t know why? Anyway, I was telling my blog friend about this a few months ago and every time I text her now, her husband sings “Melanie and her pet raccoon Bandit”. We are both fans of The Bloggess and crack up over it all the time, but we NEVER put two and two together, that you were the author of this book. Mind blown.

  33. Now all I can see playing in my mind is a stop motion video of the taxidermied denizens in your home performing Rick James’ “Super Freak.”

  38. Speaking as someone who is a) on vicodin right now and b) getting ready to have a herniated disc repaired in a week I can vouch for the amusement factor of this pie chart. Gentle hugs (so as not to irritate that disc) and cheers to you – I swear we are related. You gon with your bad self, sister!

  40. Ahhh, times when everything seems so crappy and blue…and then, I remember, Jenny! Wishing you a drug induced speedy recovery.

  42. I have pie in the fridge and now I really want a piece. But I can’t because I’m having a root canal AND a crown in 2 hours. So I’ll high, but pie-less.

  43. May I PLEASE post your pie chart on Facebook? That is way too stupendous not to share with my friends (and gross out my adult daughters a bit by making think their mom is a freak in the sheets)!! 🙂

  44. Who doesn’t love a good ‘while I was stoned’ post? Love the pie chart…very official looking 😉

  45. Been there sister, but I saw it more in terms of a bar graph. Residual Vicodin makes it funny, too.

  46. You made a pie chart. While on Vicodin. Maybe if I’d had Vicodin when I was in high (no pun intended) school I’d have been better at Math. Or at least, not minded it so much.

    Feel better.

  47. I’m *on* vicodin right now, but that has no bearing on whether or not I find your graph funny.

    I do, by the way. I giggle at your writings when I’m not on anything, too, so really…this comment has no bearing on anything. I like the clickety sound my nails make on my keyboard, though.

  48. Hell, take your time with those pain killers. What’s another day? Besides, I’m depressed and I need hilarity by osmosis. You can always read my blog. Sigh.

  50. Livin’ large with the pain of SEVEN ruptured discs here, 3 in neck, 4 in lower back, and all because MEN in vehicles keep trying to kill me.

    Anyway, years of the Vicodin meant zero highs after a while. Have now switched to Tramadol. Zero highs with that, it’s not an opiate, but it also doesn’t kill all the pain. Heat is a miracle, though, and I sleep every night wrapped in a Bed Buddy.

    Which is all to say, ‘freak’ is a way of life for me. And, I like pie.

  52. Earlier today, I said I needed a flow chart for cleaning the house to keep me from getting distracted. Who am I to judge?

  53. As someone who experiences neck disc issues, I sympathize. It’s easy to forget about the neck until you actually need it.

  54. My current pain pill regimen finds this slightly less hilarious than when I’m on Vicodin. So it might be a V thing y’all.

  55. My husband got something called vicoprofen for pain from an infected tooth. I gave it a shot because he said it didn’t wind him up like vicodin does. Sooo much better. I can actually function like a normal-well, like a human being on this stuff. I take it for arthritis or fibro flareups. wheee!

  57. It made me giggle.

    I’m pretty sure that I would probably implode on Vicodin because cold medicine makes me loopy. And sleepy. And loopy. And also sleepy.

  59. At least twice a week I’m on heating pads and vicodin because of my fibro pain, so I’m right there with ya freak pie girl.

  61. Wait – this is a THING? Damn it… maybe THAT’S why my neck is so screwed up. Now I feel guilty for telling my daughters to “suck it up” when they complain that it hurts to get the knots out of their hair… oops…

  62. Once, in grade school, I had to write a poem for a contest. I procrastinated until the day before & got to ride along with my mom as she picked up my aunt from having dental surgery. She was so high on painkillers, that she made no sense. I asked her to tell me a poem & she started rambling off the most godawful story about rainbows & lush gardens & racism! I wrote it all down on a napkin from McDonalds. It won me a four foot tall trophy and 2nd place in regionals! Ah, drugs. Love ’em.

  63. For comparison sake ONLY, of course, I just took Lortab and yes, still funny as HELL. I um… might be opposite on the colours but FUNNY what? High me yeah maybe I need to lie down now. Ni ni.

  65. I first read it as “Dogs wrote this post” and it messed me up.

  67. I should totally be on Vicodin for the way my mother brushed my hair . . . shit. I hate missed opportunities.

  68. I am happily the opposite of your graph!!

    Sooner or later being the opposite will cause me to rupture a disc or four…but I digress.

  72. Yeah, but if you were only a freak in the sheets, we readers wouldn’t know about your great freakishness. I mean, probably. I don’t know how many readers have seen your sheets. This got weird fast, didn’t it?

  73. I do stuff like this on vicodin too. Although, I don’t write it down because I suck that way.

  74. It made me laugh and I’m not high. Great, now I’m sad and will go pout now…

  76. I can’t be the only one who immediately looked for “on a leash,” can I? My TRL days are showing.

  77. Sorry you hurt your neck but if you hadn’t then you wouldn’t be on vicodin and you wouldn’t have invented this awesome pie chart, so I’m glad you did. teeny tiny vicodin cheers!

  78. I can’t help but see that as a green pie plate with a tiny sliver of blue pie left in it and I’m thinking “Who the fuck bothers leaving a piece that small?”

  82. Oh hun. I’m sory to hear about your owie. Hope the heat and self pity help quickly and you’re back up running soon. Until then, stationary, doped up, and hilarious works. ; 0)

  84. I choked on my fruity pebbles and snorted milk up my nose. 🙂 You just made my day!

  87. There’s no need to explain the reason for the chart! Because Vicodin.

  88. I know about the pain. I have arthritis through out my spine and neck..inoperable. But I never felt the need to make a pie chart. Dang!

    P.S. For other pain induced pie charts…my fav color is blue. Just thought I would let you know.

  89. It isn’t because you’re high. But I bet the high makes it even funnier. Also, the chart being shaped like a disc is funny.

  90. As someone with a pain disorder, sometimes it’s nice to hear other people say that Vicodin is a good way to cope with pain, because sometimes when people tell me to try meditation again, I’d sometimes like to tell them to meditate my fist up their assholes, but not in an erotic way.

    JK meditation is probably fine. In case my doctor is looking at this.

  92. Doesn’t it suck when you can’t give people a great reason how you did it!?
    “I rescued three kittens out of a burning building and fell on my back to keep from squishing them and …. and the firefighter gave me CPR and… and…”
    No, I sprained my neck getting a sweatshirt out of the washing machine. Neck brace for that? Sheesh.

  96. Um, I just guffawed. Legitimately.

    And drugs write ALL my posts. Good ones. (drugs, not posts…my drugs are awesome, but my posts are complete shit.)

  97. ooh, I am also on vicodin because I had to have biopsies taken from the inside of my cheek…and they hurt like a damn bitch.
    I may also be a freak everywhere but I’m high so who knows.
    Vicodin makes me a little nauseous….but I think it may be time for another soon….at least if I am expected to make and eat dinner.
    stupid biopsies…stupid oral surgeon…stupid illnesses that take too long to diagnose…grrrgrrr

  98. Maybe you should change your header to:

    THE BLOGGESS
    I do drugs, so you don’t have to
    (Unless you want and/or need to, no judging)

    Or is that too wordy?

  99. Awesome. Vicodin just makes me unconscious.

    On a similar note, I recently got a crappy bonus at work and I’m buying bed sheets with it. Because fuck that – literally.

  100. My sympathies on the disk. I ruptured a disk in my lower back while taking a poop and ended up having to have surgery. I was taking pain meds and muscle relaxers because it was bulging, and of course the meds made everything work a little slower, require a bit more pressure to move. Turns out too much pressure. …. That was freaky, although I’m sure the disk would have eventually given way anyway.

    Hope you heal soon.

  102. I freaking love you. Not in a creepy stalker way, more in an idealized-best-friend-I-never-had-and-I-know-you-would-share-your-vicodin-with-me-if-you-knew-me kind of way. Get better. Neck pain is miserable.

  107. Even off drugs I couldn’t make a pie chart (or a pie for that matter)…so color me impressed…

    I think my chart would be more like halfsies…once again I have over shared…

  109. Sorry to hear about your back pain, but I hope you’re recovering we’ll from the gall bladder removal surgery. Hugs. Hope you feel 110% again soon.

  110. You should look into getting a neck traction device. http://www.amazon.com/Neckpro-Over-Door-Cervical-Traction/dp/B002L5K40S/ref=cm_lmf_tit_14 as an example. Not only will it help your neck, but it will look like you are trying to hang yourself.

    Also a Tens unit can really help the pain without drugs. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transcutaneous_electrical_nerve_stimulation

    I know, you are thinking what fun is that, but useful if you need to drive, or cook, or just walk across the room without falling flat on your face.

  112. Ah, nothing wrong with blogging while high. I’m pretty sure very little gets done worth doing completely sober (or sane).

    Of course the slip disc is less than awesome.

  113. Anxiously awaiting your next pie chart. Can we make suggestions on parts of your life we’d like to see graphed this way?

  114. For your various hurts & owies, I highly recommend you invest in a “bedwarmer”…a mattress pad mated with a heating blanket & this marvelous invention was born. It’s electric, with heating coils all over it and when cranked up to high, does an excellent impression of your heating pad, but with full body coverage. Most are made with separate controllers for each side of the bed, so you can languish in hot heaven without leaving the hubby parboiled. Magnificent! A definite addition to your list of “must-haves for the poverty stricken” that you posted last week!

  116. My doctor once asked me if I was sexually active. I said, “No, doctor, I pretty much just lie there.”

  117. I believe that 98%* of pie charts start with Vicodin

    —
    * 1% start with other opiate use
    1% start from people who mistook that thought it was about fruit pies.

  118. Jenny,
    Just wanted to tell you that your book is the one thing that can stop a panic attack, and make me feel human after one. You’ve kept me sane and alive for the past year, and I’ve read it and your blog and you’ve made me smile even when I thought that couldn’t happen.
    Thankyou so so much. Xxxxx

  119. That’s f’ing hilarious, even without the pills! I have a wonky disc in my neck too….it sucks. Feel better soon!

  124. Note to self…Don’t check your blog when I’m at work around the bosses. Effing hilarious!!

  127. Damn girl – you are a freak in the sheets THAT much? No wonder your discs keep slippin’. Slow down the 50 shades of gray (grey?) for awhile. Take care of yourself.

  129. Hahaaaaa! You are awesome, vicodin or not. So sorry about your neck. And how was the surgery recovery? Take care!

  130. I’m extremely sleep deprived right now and so I’m sorry to say my brain keeps trying to sing the pie chart and I’m unsure (sleep deprivation) whether or not there is a song about this and so maybe it’s a song reference but I’m too sleep deprived to know it. Or I’m writing a song that has to do with your pie chart and that would actually make some sense because I once wrote a song while under massive drugs for dental surgery. All of the words were “how are you doing, all right, all right all right?” and it had very heavy reverb.

    But in this case, I keep hearing “I’m a freak. I’m a freak in the sheets” (Chorus And everywhhhhheeeeeeereee else.”) Heaven above, I need to be a sleep in the sheets.

  133. So sorry about your pain, but I did get a laugh from your chart. I think I am one of the only people I know that doesn’t get a kick out of Vicodin…it just gives me excruciatingly painful constipation that no one warned me about! Because of this, which pain is worse would be a toss up!

  134. Vicodin in males me wants- OK, I TRIED TO TYPE “Vicodin makes me want to be nice to people” AND THIS IS WHAT MY PHONE GAVE ME! WTF?!? Anyway, I come down later & realize none of those people deserve it & I move on…

  135. I have not laughed this hard in a long time.
    Probably not something YOU should do for a little while. Or until you get more Vicodin.

  136. Why cant I pin this?? (whining that I want to, not looking for technical help). I laughed so hard I snorted a Cheerios and my husband had to come pound on me, and he saw the graph while pounding on me and laughed too.

  137. This is amazing. Also – the neck slipped disc doesn’t sound like a picnic. But this pie chart is still awesome.

  140. So, this is completely off-topic, but hey: Whenever I go to look at your website I type in BLO into the address bar and you don’t come up. For a second I wonder why, because I swing by the site all the time and you should be in the little drop-down recall crap box that google keeps for those of us who are too lazy to type in the full address. Then I remember that I have to put ‘THE’ before, and EVERY TIME I feel as if I’m incredibly moronic for not remembering this. EVERY TIME.

    This story probably makes me look crazy. And boring. Can’t really argue with that…

  142. Oh, sweetie…I’d say I’d join you in waving your (my? our?) freak flag high, but I’ve been having way too much lower back/hip/leg trouble to even start running the flag up the pole, damn it. *fluffs your pillows, brings you more good drugs, limps off to chug more ibuprofen*

    Then again…I just finished making a batch of my A-List chocolate chip cookie dough truffles dipped in dark Belgian chocolate, and it just occurred to me that a batch of these FedExed to you just might make all the difference in your healing process, or at least make being an invalid a whole lot more fun, because we all know that chocolate AND cookie dough make everything better! (That’s my theory, and I’m sticking to it, although I’ll have to wait until late February to see if they make a difference in terms of someone finally winning a damn Oscar…but hey, how could they possibly hurt? 😉 They need to stay cool, but I think if they were stashed in a small 6-pack cooler w/a couple of frozen gel packs, that would hold them until they got to you…and yes, I’m serious about this; the idea of FedExing truffles in the middle of the summer tickles me to no end, so let me know if you’re interested, OK?

    (Yes, clearly I’ve lost my fucking mind yet again; I seem to be saying that a lot lately, particularly while I was getting 6 yards of fabric that looks as if the entire fruit section in the produce department just exploded, so I can make it into a new dress for the end of summer…so humor a crazy old lady, eh?)

  144. I sometimes get into an emotional funk. After reading your book and blog. I find that it is OK to be loud, funny and insistent to get out of the funk. And if I don’t get out of the funk? who cares!?!?!?!? Not me!! Thanks for the lessons.

  145. Hope you feel better soon.

    I found that Percocet makes me funny. I wrote a mystery dinner after getting my wisdom teeth out… and I ended up with a drug ring using coffins to smuggle drugs and a necrophiliac parlor. It was memorable! Incidentally, the nurse did it.

  146. OOOOh yes.

    The joys of pain killers – unfortunately unavailable over here.
    Drive like a maniac and actively attempt to kill people because you just have to get to the mall – certainly.

    Allow anything more than aspirin as a pain killing device – oh hell no – bad for society, apparently.

    Now if you will excuse me I will just go and lick a camel…

  147. I showed this to my spouse. He thought it was hilarious. Of course he just had surgery and is high on Oxycontin. I think you both are great.

  148. I can say, as a stone-cold sober person (I know, I’m sad about it, too), that this is friggin’ hilarious, whatever state you’re in. Even, like, Iowa*. As for my own pie chart, it would all just be the same color, because the crazy really has no respite…

    *DISCLAIMER: I have never actually been to Iowa, nor do I know anyone from there. You may have a very humorous state, and if that is the case, I apologize for my ignorance.

  152. Victor comes off to me as the type of cat who is probably cool with that or prefers it. I don’t blame him, in past sexual situations I’ve been in, if a girl began acting “freakish” while in the act, it was usually pretty freaking distracting.

  154. I can’t be the only one that immediately started a list in my head just from the name of the chart. I was up to five different places before I actually read the pie chart and realized I was being WAY too specific…….. good times….

  155. I think I need two different pie charts, one of which covers 100% freak in bed and the other covers 100% freak otherwise. Unless there’s a pie chart that encompasses 200%. I’m relatively sure there’s not…

  156. Vicodin is like a truth telling serum because I think you just summed up every normal woman’s life. Except that we can’t let the men in on this so we need a second pie chart, same data, just switch the green to be in the sheets.

  164. If that were my pie chart, the tiny sliver would be times when I am a freak. I need to let loose a little more . . .

  165. Jenny, it’s not fair the amount of bad stuff that happens to you. Have you got a good chiropractor? I highly recommend one that uses the activator, so no twisty spine manipulations. It helps me. Also my posture pump is my friend that helps me keep my back fit. http://www.posturepump.com.
    Anyway, feel better soon, and have a slice of that freak pie.

  166. Jenny, I have to take Vicodin most every day for severe hand pain and, while it makes me somewhat woozy, it does nothing for my creativity! (Also, I usually take it at work, so maybe this is a good thing.)

  168. I dreamed about going to your house last night!! It was so cool, another admirer was visiting you also. You were totally screwed up and laying on the sofa. I felt bad and started sort of picking up for you a little. You had these 2 or 3 teenage boys besides Hailey and they were really a mess. You signed my book though and were really cool! I hope I dream it again tonight!

  169. I feel your pain! I have a bulging disc in my neck. Had a breast reduction to help alleviate some of the stress on it. It helped a little but it still goes out every once in a while and I have to take the trip to the Chiropractor. Not fun at all and the pain is horrible. You can’t turn your head and you feel sick too! UGH. Get better! But you on Vicodin is pretty funny too! 🙂 Valium works better for me. 🙂

  171. I tweaked my lower back over the weekend and am also riding that Vicodin train. I’ve found that watching 12 hours of Dr Who and large doses of Vicodin make me a wee bit loopy. It’s a good thing I don’t blog cuz I would be putting out all sorts of crazy shit into the universe right now. I suppose I am living vicariously thru you – ain’t that a scary thing!!

  173. I hope the pain doesn’t last long and you can get back to yourself again. In the meantime – hahahahahahaha, and I am not currently on anything that makes me high (unfortunately) so this must be legitimately funny.

    BTW, My teal would be “At Open Mic” because we’re all freaks there and that means I am normal there. And my green would INCLUDE in bed. I have no clue if that makes you feel any better about your freakiness or if it just freaks people out that I shared way too much information right now. Such is the life of a blogger, right? 🙂 Feel better!

  174. super freak, super freak. that girl’s a super freak. temptations sing! (i’m sure my rendition sounds better when you’re high.)

  175. Hahaha, the chart is epic. Reminds me of when I was high off of muscle relaxant when I had a slipped disc in my lower spine. Good thoughts and good blogs come from medically induced ramblings my love

  177. Look into a chiropractor that has a non surgical spinal decompression table with a neck posture pump attachment. It all sounds like mid evil torture devices I know but it can greatly help align the discs in your neck and help your pain. Really do ur homework on the docs though. #nerdybirdy

  178. I laughed, out loud, for at least a minute. Then my brain started going through an archive of 90s rap and RnB. You always make my day better. Much like vicodin.

  180. I wish I still had meds. Specifically my ADD meds. Due to lack of health insurance, I no longer have them. So now I am here which is about five stages removed from where I intended to be, which was finding a tissue so that I could blow my nose. Now I have no idea what I was reading initially or why, there are 13 tabs open in my browser, and I gave up on looking for a tissue so I just found an old dryer sheet that was stuck to the blanket a foot away and used that. Now my face smells like clean laundry and I have no idea how I got here.

  184. Slipping a disc in your neck and having RA *and* anxiety problems are all symptoms of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. You seriously should look it up- my sister and I both have it and now we’re a little better prepared for weird shit that happens to our bodies… The REALLY crappy part about having EDS or trying to be diagnosed with it is that most doctors don’t seem to have ever heard of it.
    There’s multiple types- we have the hypermobile type (we have really weak collagen and it causes joints to dislocate for no reason).
    You might need to see a geneticist or ask your rheumatologist about it next time you see them. But at least check it out online. It might be a total eye opener.
    Also your pie chart IS hilarious. I can relate to that 100%.

  187. “Places I’m a Freak – In the pie/Everywhere else.” – me, but me pretending to be Jim Levenstein from the movie American Pie.

  189. Boy do I know what you mean. I have fibromyalgia, and my pain meds make me pretty loopy sometimes. Also? That graph could totally represent me too. But hey, at least we live interesting lives?

  190. You are SO DAMN FUNNY! My BFF who lives out of town recently brought me your book and we stayed up for hours reading it aloud to each other, howling with uncontrollable laughter – and tears caused by the aforementioned UL. Thank you for finding and sharing the hilarity in your life with us!

    Can’t wait for your talk at the Texas Conference for Women in November. I’ll need to purchase some Depends prior to attending, I’m thinking.

  192. This pie chart would almost be funnier if it was the other way around. Maybe someone else has already said that, but I’m too drunk to check.

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