I’m sure there are several logical explanations, but it’s still momentarily baffling.

********************

And in less slightly-confusing news, it’s time for this week’s wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the fantabulous folks at VolunteerSpot, a free (free!) web tool that makes organizing parents and volunteers (and volunteering) faster and easier with online sign-up sheets and calendars. It’s perfect for if you want to help out at your kids’ school but you don’t love the reply-all email hell it always involves. And even if you don’t have something to volunteer for right now, if you take the pledge to volunteer, your school will automatically be entered to win $1500 bucks. Check them out here.

108 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I’ve been practicing typing with my mind. Here’s how it’s going.

    Yep, nothing yet, but it’ll come I’m sure of it. Oh, by the way, the munchkin wanted me to share her new thing. Well, it’s old by now but it’s still her thing.
    http://beingsmokey.blogspot.com/2012/07/corpseing-its-awesome.html

    Like

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  2. Kid snippets is one of the funniest things I’ve seen on the internets in awhile!

    Like

    Sharon recently posted On How Easy It Is To Go Back To My Sloth-like Ways.

  3. My google search for why won’t is… “Why won’t Derrick Rose play?”

    I’d rather find out about the typing by osmosis!

    Like

  4. I am so glad that you’re showing off Kid Snippets! I’ve been watching them for a while now, and they’ve definitely been a huge laugh relief on though days. 🙂

    (I love that I can watch them all with my kid. I usually have to make her leave the room when I’m on youtube. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  5. I usually just plug the computer directly into my brain. Isn’t that how everyone does it?

    Like

    Kari recently posted The one app that should never ever EVER have a “share to Facebook” button.

  6. i want all the 10 dollars!

    Like

    Mary recently posted Tempranillo Taste Off.

  7. Thank you for posting links to the Kid Snippets and Charlie and the seal. Brightened up my day🙂

    Like

    Cara(Eli) recently posted Marianne the pup - pictures.

  8. Naturally, I immediately went to Google and typed in “why won’t”. My result was “Why won’t anyone dance with me”. It made me simultaneously happy and sad.

    Like

    Johi Kokjohn-Wagner recently posted BlogHer 2013- CornFedGirl in the City.

  9. Thanks for great Sunday morning entertainment to go w/ my coffee. The Rainbow mountains are amazing! Will use in my classroom. And the Kid Snippets…adorable!

    Like

    Kelli K recently posted Welcome to Oregon.

  10. Clearly, that google search is entirely based on my mother’s searches. Next up…calling the phone company to tell them her phone isn’t working.

    Like

    Megly Mc recently posted Hammering and Nailing..

  11. Clearly, that google search is entirely based on my mother’s searches. Next up…calling the phone company to tell them her phone isn’t working.

    Like

    Megly Mc recently posted Hammering and Nailing..

  12. “How are you typing that?” is as good a question as “Why does anyone still care about the Kardashians?”
    Or for that matter “Why is Justin Bieber still allowed to run around freely?”
    Thanks for another winner, Jenny.

    Like

    The Hook recently posted Truly, I Am Fate’s Bitch..

  13. What is “pink music”? (That was your answer to a question yesterday about what you listen to when you’re writing.)

    Like

  14. This is similar to an issue we had where my wife’s computer wouldn’t link up to the wi-fi. First we went through the troubleshooting tool on her computer and finally arrived at: “Use the online resources to further troubleshoot your problem” which was that we couldn’t get online. So, we used my computer to look up possible reasons and the advice we kept getting after entering “cannot connect to internet” was to “download the updated driver to your computer”. The assumption being that everyone has at least two computers to access the internet? Okay, maybe it’s not the same thing but the circular reasoning – I need to go online to download the thing to make it possible for me to go online – just felt the same as your circular issue – i have to type my question about being unable to type my question. And now my head hurts. But really this is all a distraction until they announce who the new FREAKING DOCTOR IS!! GAHHHHH!!!!!

    Like

  15. Just thought of another one: “Why doesn’t The Bloggess have her own show?”
    It could be called “1,001 Ways To Make Wil Wheaton Cry.”
    It would be tastefully produced, of course.

    Like

    The Hook recently posted Truly, I Am Fate’s Bitch..

  16. And for some strange reason, the seals have creepy British accents. “Oh, Charlie, let’s have a big cuddle pile.” (My fiance is trying to convince me that it’s just in *my* head, but I’m sure someone else thinks that the seals talk like that…)

    Like

  17. When I was a teenager there was a product on the market where you could unfreeze your car door locks using only their device and the cigarette lighter in your car.

    I saw the problem with that straight away.

    it only KIND OF relatest to your keyboard not working thingy.

    Like

    Ragemichelle recently posted Follow Your Dreams! No Matter How Unattainable They Are!.

  18. hahah yes!

    Like

    Chooplah recently posted 7 Signs Your Life Isn't Perfect.

  19. Hi Jenny,
    Not sure if you’ll read this, but I’m just wondering if the person that posted question 43 was and is YOUR husband, Victor. (Hope I’m not sounding stupid, just genuinely curious)

    Like

  20. I went to google and typed in “do a barrel roll”. It did, and now I have motion sickness. Thanks, Google.

    Like

  21. Those mountain pics are amazing!

    Like

    Punky Coletta recently posted Live a life worth fighting for..

  22. I love how Google thinks for me. It is really nice, except when its thoughts are stupid!😉

    Like

    thedoseofreality recently posted Entertaining Your Children Just Got A Whole Lot Easier.

  23. Did you see they announced the next Doctor?!

    Like

    Patti B recently posted End of the Tour Wrapup.

  24. 24
    fourthgradeteacher

    I finished reading your book while I was in the ER waiting to be readmitted for complications from my gallbladder surgery. While I’m telling my mom about your hysterical book and how our gallbladders both decided to kill us this summer, she casually mentions that all of Dad’s side of the family is from Wall and you might know them….or, you might be them. So if you are related to a Wilde, hi family member and if not, we are definitely gallbladder warriors. May summer of 2014 be much better for both of us!

    Like

  25. You didn’t finish reading it – it says, “why won’t my keyboard work as a hammer?” Which is odd, because of course it will work as a hammer.

    Like

    Anubis Bard recently posted Great Golden Digger Wasp.

  26. Oh google. You never get me.

    Like

    Mayor Gia recently posted Walking a Cat.

  27. My google search comes up as “Why won’t anyone dance with me?”

    Uh… probably because you’re on the internet, darling!

    Like

    thedavidcmurphy recently posted From beneath.....

  28. So, now I need to add “Seals Laying On Top of Me” to my bucket list. And I don’t understand why the guy just can’t give him someone else’s money. Sounds legal to me.

    Like

    whatimeant2say recently posted It’s All Fun and Games Until You Figure Out Where Your Butt Just Ended Up….

  29. My google said “Why won’t anyone talk to me”

    I’m sure no one will respond to this.

    Like

  30. thought of you last night and your responses to “how do I write a book” or variations of the same…my mom, my aunt, their cousin and I had an AWESOME idea for a book we had ok 25% worked out the only problem was there was alcohol involved and no one was taking notes…but it was a really really great idea…if we could remeber 1/2 of it…or any of it….sigh

    Like

  31. Better yet– ask google to answer an impossible equation and you get porn. This is too bizarre for even my imagination to fabricate!

    http://thehackernews.com/2013/02/google-seach-engine-flaw-impossible.html

    Like

  32. My mom couldn’t access her email so I reset it for her, but then some page came up in Chinese (which I can’t read), and I emailed the text to her, asking what it read. Took me most of the day to remember she couldn’t get the email I sent because as I already knew, her email was broken.

    Like

    Frankie Lawson recently posted Voices Are for Standing Up for Yourself.

  33. With their backup keyboard. Duh.

    Like

    Holly Folly recently posted So Half my Driveway is Gone Now..

  34. Good question? Who the hell are these people anyway??

    Like

    Courtney recently posted I MAY have thought we had vampires or worse sparkly vampires for neighbors.

  35. I fucking love your pins..

    Like

    RageMichelle recently posted Who Renamed My Cheese?.

  36. For me it was “why won’t anyone dance with me”

    Like

    Robin recently posted Shinh’s 40 Days to Raid Ready Challenge: Day 1.

  37. On screen keyboard. I have had to type that so, so many times without a keyboard. It’s crazy head-fucky. Kitties, you know? They find all the right (wrong) key combinations.

    Like

  38. The seal is cute, but I’m not sure I’d want to be mistaken as Mama Seal. That would be somewhat offensive as I’m already paranoid about my weight.

    Like

    Heather Binnie recently posted This feast is totally vegetarian.

  39. I got “Why won’t anyone dance with me”–gee, I already know the answer to that one; I dance like a drunk bear.

    Like

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Are airlines liable for terrorism?.

  40. I love Kid Snippets, I can’t wait for the guys at BoredShorts TV to roll out Kid History #11.

    Like

    The Suzzzz recently posted Watermelon Fail.

  41. Might I suggest if you like kid snippets, you should check out the YouTube videos entitled “conversations with my two year old, as acted out by two grown men.” http://youtu.be/zdtD19tXX30 it’s some of the funniest videos I’ve seen in a while.

    Like

  42. This was an awesome little test – my google came up with Why Won’t Anyone Dance With Me?

    Like

    The Shitastrophy recently posted Why Rivalries Suck.

  43. Mine was “why won’t my house sell?” Unfortunately, Google knows all about my freakishly small kitchen and skink problem.

    Like

    Kris, Neighbor Chick recently posted It is party time.

  44. I also got “why won’t anyone dance with me.”….
    Maybe me and Shitastrophy should dance with each other….

    Like

    Anice recently posted I Love It.

  45. I second the suggestion to go watch “Conversations with My Two-Year Old”. Very funny!

    Like

  46. 47
    Jennifer in Merville

    My Google autocompletes “why won’t” with “anyone dance with me”. I didn’t click the search results because I’m happier assuming it is because my sick moves put all others to shame.

    Like

  47. I am often horrified at what Google thinks I might be thinking…

    Like

  48. My google search returned: “Why won’t anyone dance with me?” I am guessing it’s because they are intimidated by my stylin’ moves.

    Like

  49. I once did a catering gig at Google in Chicago. Their corporate office has a TV screen that displays what people are Googling RIGHT NOW. All the time. Sometimes I Google things like “porn and peanuts,” just to give them something to consider.

    Also, that fucking seal video is amazing. I want to be snuggled by seals!

    Like

    Quirky Chrissy recently posted Eating Gluten-Free at a Conference (Or How I was SO Hungry at BlogHer13, that I Thought About Eating Katie).

  50. I got “why won’t anyone dance with me too”😦

    Like

    Angela Heidt recently posted Get More Social Media Views in 3 Easy Steps with Time-Targeted Posts.

  51. Would you stuff your pet?

    Like

    Mom Off Meth recently posted Being drunk is fun, until it isn't..

  52. I will be pinning from your Kick Ass board since it kicks ass..

    Like

  53. You probably already know about this… but if not, I know you’ll appreciate the fact that you can pre-order this lifesize inflatable Tardis! (I have no association with Stupid.com) Someone I love is SO getting one of these for Christmas.

    Like

  54. can you just give me some of the other person’s money? yeah, I love that.

    Like

    monica recently posted Direct communication is always best, but if you want to leave me a water balloon in the sink I will have to draw my own conclusions..

  55. Well, darn. The link is embedded in my name.

    Like

  56. I like that you keep your wine next to your milk (twitter pic of Hunter S.). Me too.

    Like

  57. I got the dancing one too. Which breaks my heart some, the thought of so many nubile teenage things, using google to navigate the waters of their budding social awkwardness. I mean, what are they going to do when they’re stuck at third base? Maybe they’ll be making out through their Google Glass.

    Like

    Iris recently posted Itsy bitsy.

  58. Mine says
    “Why won’t….anyone dance with me”

    WELL?

    Like

    Dad Moon Rising recently posted The Coaching Expirement Begins.

  59. Thank you SO MUCH for introducing me to kid snippets!! This will be my new comic relief.🙂

    Like

  60. When I went to Google, once I go the “why” typed, it gave me “why are zombies popular.” Hello, braiiinnnnnssssss. And Daryl Dixon.

    Like

    Shelley recently posted Crazy little things that make me happy.

  61. Huh. “Why won’t God heal amputees?” Hmmm.

    Off to watch Kid Snippets now!

    Like

  62. 🙂 your posts always put a smile on my face…been going through a particularly rough spot at the moment. Your AMA session helped me more than you know…some of the answers made me think and how. Thank you!

    Like

    Miss Gee recently posted Today you wouldn't want to be me. I don't see why you would want to be me on any other day either. But if you ever wanted to be me? Don't pick today..

  63. OMG JENNY YOU HAVEN”T SEEN THIS YET?!?

    “Convos with my 2yr old”

    Freakin LOVE that show!!

    Like

  64. How did I find THIS on the pinterest before you?

    http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/81271749/

    Although they’re all charming, #9 is the one that made me think of you. You know, for those days when a Stetson or fascinator is just too much. As if.

    Like

  65. Ooooooooo!!!!! I design throw pillows too! But mine aren’t as universally appealing😉
    http://www.milfrunner.com/2013/02/rainbows-and-circle-jerks.html

    Like

    MILF Runner recently posted Training update...because every little bit counts.

  66. Tell me again
    Depression lies—
    RIGHT???????

    Like

  67. now I am sad…

    “Why”
    “do I cry when i listen to music”

    “Why won’t”
    “anyone dance with me” – same reason Jenny approved three comments after mine but not mine??

    *sniff*

    Like

    cass gill recently posted A Special Journey.

  68. I had to try it for myself. Google suggests “why won’t anyone dance with me” and “why won’t Pluto collide with Neptune.” Are these personalized to each person? What makes Google think these are the pressing questions on my mind?

    Also, I’m in love with Kid Snippets. And your blog. And you — it makes my fiancee jealous.

    Like

  69. Google thinks we’re all stupid… It’s like when you call your cable provider and they ask you to make sure your box is turned on. Fail for humanity.

    Like

    Jean recently posted When Lars and the Real Girl Got Real.

  70. Well obviously I had to Google that. My top answer was: Why won’t God heal amputees.
    The mind, it boggles.

    Like

  71. @kw – Depression is a lying bastard and needs to be kicked square in the nutsack.

    Depression LIES. Depression is a lying liar. You are fabulous and more.

    Like

  72. My friend found souffle Juanita on Google Images, and had no idea what I meant when I mentioned you. Made me sad.

    Like

  73. I’ve always wanted Google to be my boyfriend, it listens and provides you with answers.

    Like

    Brigitte Nieberl recently posted Facebook updates - Round 2.

  74. I get “why won’t they talk to me lyrics,” apparently in reference to a song by a band called Tame Impala. I search for song lyrics a lot, so this makes sense that it’s reflected in my predictive searches.

    I was not familiar with the band, so that was some additional Googling. They are from Perth. My favorite parts of their wiki page: They like to think of themselves as “a steady flowing psychedelic groove rock band that emphasizes dream-like melody.” Also: “Their name refers to the impala, a medium sized antelope.”

    Like

    Robyn recently posted Ninja mind tricks for the somewhat sensitively inclined: Part 2, Advanced Maneuvers.

  75. Jedi mind trick. Duh.

    Like

    Nagzilla recently posted Proof that Therapy Works.

  76. And that is one of life’s greatest mysteries, my friends.

    Like

    Emelie recently posted My Thoughts on the New Doctor..

  77. So here I am a day late! I got “why won’t my iPod turn on” which is quite spooky because I have an iPod which doesn’t turn on…..*Twilight Zone music*

    I know i’ve missed the question bit, but just out of interest why is my name black & not pink?

    Like

    Sam Whiteoak recently posted If you are reading this then, HOORAY! It means the Mayans totally fucked up! (or they didn’t and we will all choke slowly on a cloud of black asteroid dust)..

  78. That’s… incredible. Unless they mean ‘work’ as in ‘get a job’. In which case it’s not so much about the function of the keyboard as it is about its motivation.

    Like

    kaitlyn recently posted There's an artist in everyone....

  79. I had to try it, and I got why won’t my iphone charge. I don’t have an iphone. Apple gives me a headache. Somewhere in the migraine area. I don’t get migraines. Thank you, apple, for giving me a condition I don’t have. Apple sort of reminds me of those cars that talk to you. I ask, how do you turn on the headlights? and it tells me it doesn’t understand. Rephrasing and yelling at it doesn’t help, and then, after searching forever and pressing every button, I find and unmarked knob down by my knee that gives illumination. My daughter, convulsing with laughter, learned new curse words that day, including to the idiot who hit my car, requiring a possessed rental with seats made for tall people. Not everyone is the fucking Jolly Green Giant. Kiss my ass apple and the abnormally tall people who design car seats.

    Like

  80. “Why won’t anyone dance with me?” Really, Google? How much of a sadsack do you think I am?

    I don’t think I’ve ever been insulted by a search engine before.

    Like

    Dana the Biped recently posted My Spirit Animal Is A Marsupial, But It Doesn't Matter Because I'm Dying..

  81. Crushed by baby seals is now how I want to go.

    Like

    Nicky recently posted May I see you in the afterlife so I can kick your ass..

  82. There is no logical explanation for that. But then again I have asked the internet the beginning of many questions that they seem to answer in a somewhat disturbing fashion.

    Like

    Kelly recently posted And the World Spins Madly On.

  83. I’ve never seen anything here before like the reference to the volunteer site.

    Adds a little tenderness.

    Like

  84. Why won’t anyone dance with me?

    ‘Cause the word DANCE makes me break into my music video version of Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”. Kind of a no brainer.

    Like

    Jess recently posted Some Things I Love.

  85. I was curious if spelling matters… it does. If I leave out the apostrophe, the first suggestion is “why wont my iphone connect to wifi”. If I didn’t know my friend’s iPad has two ways to connect to the internet, I would have accused that of circular reasoning as well.
    Otherwise I get the sad dancing question….to which I suggest contra dancing and a good strong mouthwash.

    Like

  86. Love the kid snippets post! Haha!

    Like

    Christina @ The Beautiful Balance recently posted Photos from the week 8/5.

  87. My keyboard just commented on your blog!!

    Like

    Kathleen recently posted Where I Was.

  88. How does one become pink here I wonder? Is there some sort of initiation ritual?

    Like

  89. Maybe they have that program where you talk and it types for you?

    Like

    Karen Peterson recently posted Currently...August.

  90. My “why won’t” turned up:

    Why won’t anyone dance with me?

    now I’m sad.

    Like

    Hj recently posted Cinque Terre & Venice.

  91. Loved the comments to the seal video — “i cant believe one of these killed Osama Bin? Laden”. (Although that makes for very odd mental pictures)

    Google is also wondering why won’t anyone dance with me. Because they forgot their boogie shoes!

    Like

  92. Love the volunteer information! I could really use this as a classroom teacher-you always know the right thing to say!

    Like

    My twice baked potato recently posted Weekend for a Royal.

  93. I would LOVE to know what you were actually searching for.

    I just started typing in “why does my…” (was going to search something about my dog) and the following came up as the most searched:
    – why does my vagina smell

    Apparently, there are a lot of stinky women out there in some serious need of Vagisil and a good doctor. Ew.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Thanks for the new Coach handbag, Sarah Palin.

  94. Ok, this made me laugh HARD.

    Like

  95. 97
    Isabella Inigma

    There is so much funny and useful shit here. I’m unsure what to say about that. So, here’s a question: What if your hair is disappearing? Not falling out in clumps but progressively thinning (menopause most likely from what I’ve found in my exhaustive research). I’m looking at wigs online and they are so scary. Plus, they cost a ridiculous amount of money. I’m talking A LOT OF MONEY. Rogaine…I don’t know. How’s that gonna look when new little hairs start sprouting all over my head? Hairs that will never have a prayer of catching up to my existing hair (past the shoulders) unless I get a buzz cut, which I have considered, but I’m not sure I have the skull to pull it off. There would be a noticeable depression on one side of my head from a possible childhood head trauma that would detract from that edgy socialite goes blond butch look I’d be trying to achieve. Luckily, this depression is not visible as long as I maintain some hear on my head. . So, what’ll it be? A butch cut with a possibly groovy asymmetrical look or should I take out a home equity credit line and buy a couple wigs?

    Like

  96. 98
    Isabella Inigma

    Also, my “why can’t” search gave me “why can’t we be friends”. Seriously, I had no idea my computer was so needy. This deserves further contemplation.

    Like

  97. So, its is one day past my birthday. Jenny, you missed it, and I do my best to spread Bloggess Gospel to all unknowing and unworthy strangers. Yes, they seem confused, but at least they are polite. Despite you missing my birthday, I am prepared to forgive you if you make a Beyonce/Juanita pillowcase. I will even buy two of them. See, I am paying YOU for missing MY birthday. Frankly, that type of generosity deserves to be rewarded.

    PS…if that little gem of a pillowcase already exists and I missed it because I am a dullard, my bad.

    Like

  98. Is it weird that the rainbow mountains make me hungry? It’s like looking at a giant candy cane mountain.

    Like

    Emma recently posted Problems With Writing a Dissertation.

  99. had to share, just in case you hadn’t seen this Etsy opportunity before
    http://www.etsy.com/shop/Furries?section_id=6183743
    enjoy

    Like

  100. Google thinks I have sexual problems everytime I type “how do I” google finishes off with “make love”

    Like

  101. These ones I think are even more hilarious than the kid snippets

    Especially episode 2.

    Like

  102. I thought the necklace was going to be a tiny flask.

    Like

  103. THANK YOU for sharing Charlie and the Seal! It made my night!

    Like

  104. Somewhat disturbing Google search, I just put in why won’t Google did the rest:

    why won’t anyone dance with me

    why won’t they talk to me

    why won’t my baby sleep I’m Feeling Lucky »

    why won’t my ipad charge

    Like

  105. 107
    amusing girl

    I am BEGGING you to have an awesome contest that gives away Knock Knock MOFO/Juanita pillows as prizes. They are brilliant, but I’d be dead meat if my hubby saw a $60 charge for a pillow on our debit card. And he checks shit like that cuz he’s a good guy who manages all the crappy bill paying at our house. But the contest would need to guarantee that I’d win a pillow, otherwise it would be a completey useless and stupid contest.

    Like

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