Fun with Google Analytics

Every so often I like to check in on Google Analytics to see what people are searching for that brought them to this blog.  Occasionally I’ll filter the results to just show those searches that contain some random, innocuous keyword.  Today I chose the word “smell”.

Turns out?  Not so innocuous after all.

Never change, you guys.

PS.  The first 50 smell-related searches were mostly a variation of “What’s that smell?”, which is a pretty fucking weird thing to ask your computer.  That said – based on my search results- it’s probably just your eyeballs or possibly the meth you forgot in your vagina.  I’m glad I could help.

206 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Be happy you don’t have the word “Daddy” in your blog title. I’d like to scrub my brain with a wire brush to clear out my memories of the fucked-up search queries that have led (some clearly sick) people to my site.

    Like

    Daddy Scratches recently posted The writer who cried wolf … except, instead of “wolf,” he cried “I’m a writer.”.

  2. It’s not just meth smell; according to #62, it’s cat pee meth smell. Is cat pee meth a thing? Is it like that coffee that comes from civet cat poop?

    Like

    Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted Dorothy and the Multiverse.

  3. . . . I think it’s fair to say that’s a life lesson we should all remember.

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    Wendy recently posted Victorian-inspired Silver Rose Necklace with Photo Pendant by NerdyNecklaces.

  4. Well, our bill does smell like maple syrup….

    Like

    Amanda recently posted in which my idol declares our friendship.

  5. Theory: maybe people aren’t actually asking “their computers” what that smell is. Maybe they’re asking Siri.

    Like

    Mona (Moxie-Dude) recently posted Totally inappropriate thoughts.

  6. I’m curious about all these people with smelly (or not smelly) eyeballs. Is smelling peoples’ eyeballs a thing now?

    Like

  7. Meth in your vagina….rotflol

    Like

  8. …. and now you’ve made me sniff an eyeball.* For science.

    *Not my own**

    **Because damn.

    Like

    KBSpangler recently posted The Russians Came Knocking.

  9. Okay…AWESOME..and now I know how to waste my time tomorrow when I’m stuck in my cubicle.

    Like

    RageMichelle recently posted Karma Is Bullshit.

  10. Daddy Scratches, you made me laugh a lot. Thank you.

    Like

  11. Surely there’s a good explanation for the “cat pee meth smell vagina” search. Surely.

    Like

    Shelley J recently posted Happy Left-Handers Day! Now listen to me rant a little..

  12. I love having fun with search engine terms. My favorite is “elf keeps using my vibrator”. I guess it doesn’t help that I did write a post about that. Lesson learned!

    Like

    Elle recently posted Guest Post: When Cancer Hits Home. The Blog Post Emily Hopes You Never Need To Read..

  13. See, now this one of those few times when I’m glad that barely anyone even realises my little blog exists! No really weird, and strange searches like this one… Also, I’m fairly sure that meth should never be in your vagina. That can’t possible end well! (I may have nightmares now about what happens if the drug dogs smell it. I blame you.)😀

    Like

    Laureen recently posted Witch Hunt by Tabitha Morrow.

  14. Thank you for this post. I just “barked” out a laugh. I have heard the phrase “bark of laughter”, but until just now, I have never heard a laugh that barked!

    Like

  15. hahahahaa i. cant. even.

    Like

    Charlotte @ Commitness to Fitness recently posted Golf: Bar Method with Polo Shirts.

  16. In Japan they lick eyeballs. It’s some new trend. Perhaps they smell after you lick them? Or you have to deoderize before you like them? Or maybe the odor is something you can only smell with your tongue? It seems experiments are in order.

    Like

  17. I’m curious about the one that says “it smells like eyeballs in here.” I’ve never walked into a room and complained that it smelled like eyeballs, has anyone else to their recollection? What does a room of smelly eyeballs smell like? Would some Febreeze take care of the odor?

    Like

  18. wow- I so wish our Canadian $100 bills DID smell like maple syrup! Although I suppose they could… I don’t have a whole lot of $100 bills sitting around at the moment. Ok I have none.

    Do you think having scratch & sniff money would make Canada even more popular than it is right now? Because I totally do.

    Hear that tourism Canada? Scratch & sniff money. That’s your new moneymaker. All thanks to the genius of the Bloggess.

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    Tarasview recently posted Rain, Mosquitoes and a Yurt.

  19. I hate when I forget meth in my vagina. Such a waste of good meth.

    Like

    ilikebeerandbabies.com recently posted Back to School Shopping Hell.

  20. Of course, what I took away from this is that an awful lot of people can’t spell “vagina.”

    Like

  21. Oh. My. Goodness. I don’t even want to know why they were searching for what they were searching for but I’m desperately curious to know what some of the specific blog post results were. I think I must have missed the one where you talked about vaginal meth.

    Like

    Kara recently posted SOS Challenge #114 Colors or Woodgrain.

  22. I just want to know what this cat pee meth smell coming from a vagina could be. Also this made me totally laugh out loud, which is nice because today has been rough.🙂

    Like

    Jess recently posted Lady Monster in all Her Glory.

  23. 23
    Pamela Matson

    Smelly eyeballs? Like small dogs with poppy out eyes? Will the eyes smell the meth?

    Like

  24. If I may: Cat pee often smells like ammonia. Ammonia is a key ingredient in meth. Hence the combination of search terms. None of those things belong in vagina, though. SCIENCE!

    Like

  25. In *a vagina, not “in vagina.” I’m not Russian, I promise.

    Like

  26. I did have a valid “smell” look up last summer. Turns out we were trying to burn the house down by having a loose wire to the outlet the AC was plugged into. Smelled like very hot, burnt, greasey fish. Top results stated “turn off the power to the entire house and call an electrician”. I think “Do not pass go. Do not collect $200” was also implied. Nevermind it was 2 AM.
    Good news was we knew then to look at the electrical connections. And hubby happened to have a box of outlet replacements (are all men like that?) Bonus: it explained why the fuse tripped the night before!
    Oddly my search did not direct me to this blog.

    Like

  27. Now I want to write a one-man show called ‘Cats: Why They Smell Eyeballs?’.

    Or perhaps the next hot pop single, It Smells Like Eyeballs In Here (So Put On All Your Glasses).

    Like

    Daniel J. Hogan recently posted Sick Burn, Grandma.

  28. I am reminded of that scene in Bladerunner with the guy who makes eyeballs. If it weren’t so cold in that lab, surely the best line in the movie would have been, “It smells like eyeballs in here.”

    Like

  29. I think — not positive, but I THINK that the smelling eyeballs might have come from someone wondering why cats do that. My cats totally have, attempted to smell my eyeballs, that is, but I always just assumed it was because cats are freaky and weird and do things like scream at closed doors, run insanely through the house for no reason, stare at invisible specks on the wall, or climb into boxes. Of course, now I wonder if it might be a plot they’re concocting.

    I needed to laugh today. I found out this morning that through a quirk of my bank, instead of things going through in the order in which I debited them, they went through in a weird order that made it so I was charged for FIVE overdraft fees instead of just one, as it would have done had they gone through in order. (Banks confuse me.) So I needed to read about the smell of eyeballs. Or vaginal meth.

    Like

  30. Opened this in a new tab in my browser, which thoughtfully shortened the title of your post to “Fun with Google Anal”

    Sounds about right.

    Like

  31. I’ve been waiting for an answer on the whole detouring my vigina smell. I’ve tried a variety of foods. Nothing seems to work. Well?

    (Have you tried stuffing meth up there? ~ Jenny)

    Like

  32. I guess I’m not as weird as I thought I was. I don’t do weird searches and I certainly don’t keep meth in my vagina. I keep it in my asshole, like any self-respecting tweeker.

    Like

    Clare recently posted There’s Someone for Everyone… Even This Guy.

  33. you learn something new everyday. today, i am happy to learn a vagina can smell like meth. who knew?

    Like

    Heidi recently posted Call Me—No Maybe About It.

  34. Ah… Google Analytics! Such fun… It’s better than Christmas morning, because you never have any idea what you’re going to get!!

    Like

    Rachel recently posted It’s That Time Again.

  35. I turned off Google searchability after I noticed the term “I pissed in his bed” brought a few people to me. Clearly, I wimped out way too easily.

    Like

  36. I think, “What’s that smell?” is one of the scariest things a parent can hear.

    Like

    Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting recently posted Adorable Yarn-Tied DIY Embellished Flip Flops for Back To School #summerofjoann.

  37. Oh man these are freaking hilarious. It never ceases to amaze me what people are searching for and the random spellings for some words. Some real weirdos out there!

    And who the hell puts meth in their vagina?! And why?!

    Like

    Kim recently posted Would Kerouac Have Blogged?.

  38. Our $100 bill really does smell like maple syrup!! I got a few odd looks testing that one out.

    Like

  39. I am…. somewhat speechless…. so many things to wonder….

    smelling eyeballs?
    cat pee meth?
    vigina?

    Yep, this is why I keep coming back. Its the only blog I know that continually makes me stupified (and laugh)

    Like

    cass gill recently posted Peeking into another world.

  40. I’m sure the scent of meth vaginas is what my hometown smells like.

    Like

  41. omg… hilarious.

    Like

  42. omg… hilarious.

    Like

  43. How is #69 not the one everyone is howling in laughter about? “Can’t get the meth smell out of my vagina????”

    Like

  44. Huh? Based on this list, I wonder if my cats are cooking meth in some woman’s joy garden while smelling eyeballs laced with cancer. Obviously, I should go to Google and ask because Google knows.

    Like

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Rejoice--I am not a professional writer.

  45. To be fair, a dog really *shouldn’t* smell through a flask. It’s dangerous. He could get whiskey up in his little dog nose and choke.

    These are priceless — esp. the eyeball ones.

    Last year for a while, some other blogs/sites and I collected these kinds of crazy search terms. We posted them on little tumblr called Search Party. It still makes me giggle to scroll through them. Enjoy: http://thesearchparty.tumblr.com/

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    When I Blink recently posted Singing Makes Anything… Better?.

  46. Hopefully vagina-meth smells better than butthole-meth.

    Like

    Kim recently posted Back to School, Back to Reality….

  47. Now I want maple syrup. And possibly meth.

    Like

    Nicki recently posted I think there is an idea for an original SyFy movie here..

  48. I needed to laugh today. I think this may have saved me from a stroke. Good times Google, good times.

    Like

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  49. I think the real question left unasked here is why so many vajay-meth-trafficers have landed here. I think the answer is obvs though, they want to learn how to smuggle their drugs in dead animals so that their cockbasket doesn’t smell like old man farts. Reason 1,000,000,091 that this blog will change humanity for the better. #beproud

    Like

    Shannon recently posted Let's Make Fun of Angry, Humorless Commenters!.

  50. Meth vagina? O.o The things I learn on the Bloggess.

    Like

    Queen Mean recently posted Gallbladders are the new zombies.. all the rage..

  51. Cat pee meth?!? Isn’t that from an episode of South Park? I was just about to google it to find out when I realized i have no better way of phrasing it than “cat pee meth”…

    Like

  52. Whoa.

    Meth in your vagina.

    Wow. Now don’t that just beat all? All of everything.

    Like

    Carrie recently posted I could call this My Husband’s Butt Hole but that would be totally misleading. In a way. Plus, he’d kill me..

  53. I adore the Bloggess. Every post cracks me up. But you’re neck-and-neck with your readers. Sometimes the comments are even funnier than the post itself. Keep up the good work.

    Like

  54. Hilarious and frightening.
    Side note…….does the Canadian dollar bill smell like maple syrup? Because that would be pretty cool.

    Like

    Jill Pinnella Corso recently posted Where I’ve Been and Where I’m Going.

  55. See, this is why don’t envy the guys at the NSA. I think they think they are supposed to gaze into the whole of the internet. Talk about smelly eyeballs!

    Like

    Anubis Bard recently posted Orcharding Blues.

  56. Please smell my eyeballs? Please??

    Like

    Bob Bruhin recently posted Oasis Art Center.

  57. Here I was feeling bad that everyone found my blog while searching for adult babies and anal sex, but knowing that some chick with meth shoved up her vagina is reading The Bloggess makes me feel a whole lot better.

    Like

    Allie recently posted Rush Limbaugh Calls Oprah Fat and Everyone is Really Confused..

  58. Cat pee meth vagina smell. I cannot even IMAGINE what that would be (and hope I never find out).

    I think Google Analytics is on drugs, and in need of rehab.

    Like

    Beverly Diehl recently posted This Book Changed My Life: When The Body Says No.

  59. #64 was rather specific wasn’t it? These are hilarious. Thanks for the chuckle. Just when I start to fear for the future of humanity you prove that my concerns are not misplaced. Thanks for that! 😉

    Like

  60. 60
    Imperfect Jessica

    I so read the tweet as: “… meth in MY vagina …” And was like I’m, she really must think highly of herself if she thinks we are gonna look up there for meth. Then I clicked the link after I read it correctly (obviously cause I’m more interested in my vagina – apparently)

    I have totally lost where I was going with this comment.

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    Imperfect Jessica recently posted I knew it.

  61. Eyeballs have a smell? Cats? Why people.. why?

    Like

    Itzybellababy recently posted I decided to try ebay for a bit.

  62. Great, now in addition to body odour we now have to worry about how our eyeballs smell? Are they going to come out with deodorant for them? Who are these people?!?

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    Angela Heidt recently posted 3 Tips to Increase Twitter Followers.

  63. I didn’t know eyeballs had a smell?

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    Mexmom recently posted Week in review....

  64. WTF. Number 62 really freaks me out man.

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    Laurie recently posted Design Trends and Reality.

  65. As long as you’re not storing both meth and eyeballs in your vagina. That would just be weird.

    Like

    Holly Folly recently posted Building the Solar Kiln..

  66. Just…wow. Can eyeballs smell? Only if they have olfactory receptors, which I’m pretty sure they don’t, but maybe some people are special. Or is that, can my eyes emit odor. Perhaps they’re searching for the latter, but I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it was the former.

    Like

  67. Burying a cat where!?

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    Chooplah recently posted 7 Signs Your Life Isn't Perfect.

  68. To this day, I have never gotten a better hit on Google Analytics than “got drunk and told my husband I lived as a lesbian.”

    This was particularly awesome because I am a totally non-drinking Mormon girl who is single and has NEVER had anything resembling a lesbian experience.

    But that being said, I’m jealous of your google searches.

    Like

    Karen Peterson recently posted A Fair to Remember.

  69. Also, what other things can take you on a vagina detour?

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    Chooplah recently posted 7 Signs Your Life Isn't Perfect.

  70. Maybe that explains my friend’s dog who always does a hello-crotch sniff. I should just bring him some meth and save him the trouble.

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    Lynn recently posted *pssst* Your orgy is showing.

  71. When am I ever going to remember NOT to have a mouthful of [whatever I’m drinking] when I read your posts! On the upside, the screen of my computer gets cleaned quite regularly…

    Like

  72. I did this a few days ago too! Mine weren’t nearly as funny, but I was proud to have been found via searches for “half eaten edible panties” and “taylor lautner llama.”

    Like

    Karisa Tells All recently posted Screw Closet Organization.

  73. 73
    AtlantaDebbie

    Aww… #64. I have stayed several times (including the night before a BFF wedding) at the Thunderbird in Treasure Island and it never smelled like sewer. Sad to hear it has gone downhill. But, I guess that is the tendency of sewers – to flow downhill.

    Like

  74. Will now be entering “bloggess” before every weird search I do.

    Like

  75. I’m Canadian and I can tell you that a Canadian 100 dollar bill does NOT smell like maple syrup….that’s just all sorts of fucked up – but if anyone was going to have scratch and sniff money, I bet it would be Canada….

    Like

  76. Damn, I’ve wondered that about cats, too. And eyeballs. Here I thought *I* was weird, apparently I’m just part of some psycho demographic.

    Like

    Brian recently posted When it all falls down.

  77. #66 is totally true.

    Like

  78. My blog title contains the words “legs” and “between”. So obviously I get a lot of people searching for marsupial porn. Which is apparently a thing.

    Like

    Dana the Biped recently posted Well, I Guess They've Got to Shop Somewhere..

  79. Ha, I LOVE looking at my google analytics and seeing what weird things lead people to my blog, like “people obsessed with boxes” and “Save a tree eat beaver meaning??”

    Like

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  80. Eyeball licking is a thing now. Just read it. So it must be true.

    Like

  81. Well, I guess I’ve been using meth totally wrong all these years. No wonder the man keeps busting me.

    Like

  82. I am not sure what is funnier to me… that someones vagina may or may not smell like cat pee meth, that eyeballs possibly have a scent.. or that I was reading those searches the entire time thinking that people were asking if Eyeballs Smell… smell …as in the verb.
    As in, “my eyeballs took a big whiff of those smelly, meth-packed vaginas”
    but really they meant, “Take time to stop and smell the eyeballs.”

    crap! now the word ‘smell’ is sounding rather foreign to me because I have said it too much!

    Like

  83. I’ve never seen meth in anyone’s vagina on Breaking Bad. And if it was to happen anywhere, that is where it would be…

    Like

    Melanie recently posted Brownie Points.

  84. I guess it depends on whether you’re menstruating.

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  85. @Ki Kruk

    Some of the $100 bills *do* smell like maple syrup. My nostrils wouldn’t lie about something so important.

    Like

  86. Or your “vagaina” either… ?

    Like

  87. I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about leaving meth – or ANYTHING else for that matter – in a vagina. (As a man, I know exactly when it’s time to leave a vagina.)

    Like

  88. I love you, Jenny. Not in a creepy way. Just in that totally okay to love a stranger I’ve never met but think is awesome way.

    Though I may harbor a secret love for Beyoncé the Rooster, but only my therapist knows for sure.

    Like

    Ms. Hazard recently posted Yes, But That’s Stupid.

  89. HAHAHA
    The weirdest google search done to land someone on my page was this,
    “pap smear and paper and butt”
    I shit you not. I’ve looked up some pretty bizarre things for my blog, for example last night I googled, “Polio Porn” but I gotta tell you, every day I am amazed at the sick things that bring people to my page. Thanks for sharing this- too funny.

    Like

  90. Wow. There are drug problems….and then there are drug *problems.*

    P.S. You know how you can drive past a place and just know it’s a meth lab? Or you see a person and you know they are cracked the f*** out? I’m totally going to get myself killed by asking a person who hasn’t slept in a month what they’ve got in their pants. Thanks. This is on you.

    Like

    Stephanie Marsh recently posted I love you, but you’re kind of a dick..

  91. “What’s That Smell” is a song by House of Pain, not to be confused with “That Smell,” which is a song by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Because of course the first thing I did was Google it to see what it would turn up.

    Like

  92. You had me at vagina.

    Like

    Dawnie recently posted Dislike.

  93. And I thought I had problems! At least I don’t have to worry about a meth smell in my vagina. Is there a douche for that?

    Like

    whatimeant2say recently posted If You Would Just Go Where I Tell You to Go, We Wouldn’t Have These Problems. We’d Still Have Problems. Just Different Ones..

  94. Our new $100 dollar bills do smell like maple syrup. I had to bring one down to the States to show my friends on my last trip. We have WAY more fun with our money than you do in the States – our $1 coins are called loonies (since they have a picture of a loon on them) so naturally our $2 coins are called townies. Our $5 bills are blue and have a picture of kids playing hockey on the back.

    But the best part is that the $1 coins were supposed to have a different design but the government LOST the original dies while sending them to the mint out west. (True story – I’ve checked with a Mint employee. )

    From Wikipedia:
    It was planned that the coin would continue using the voyageur theme of its predecessor, however the master dies that had been struck in Ottawa were lost in transit en route to the Mint’s facility at Winnipeg.[12] A Commons committee struck to investigate the loss discovered that the Mint had no documented procedures for transport of master dies and that it had shipped them via a local courier in a bid to save $43.50. It was also found to be the third time that the Mint had lost master dies within five years.[13] An internal review by the Royal Canadian Mint argued that while a policy existed to ship the obverse and reverse dies separately, the new coins dies were packaged separately but were part of the same shipment. The Mint also disagreed with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police’s contention that the dies were simply lost in transit. It believed the dies were stolen.[14] The dies were never recovered.[12]

    Like

  95. Damn auto correct! Our $2 coins are toonies.

    Like

  96. I think if someone licked or smelled my eyeball I’d be forced to punch them so hard they’d go into full velociraptor mode.

    Like

  97. Why do you appear to have highlighted the one about meth in your vagina????

    Like

  98. #59, #62, and #69. Strung together these tell a strange and worrying story.

    Yet I can’t help but wonder if it is somehow a viral marketing campaign for the final episodes of Breaking Bad. Is Skyler going to become a mule? A very frustrated mule that finds herself desperately using way too much perfume…

    Like

  99. My doctor one time told me the smell in his office was due to his last patient leaving a tampon in for weeks – he got to fish it out. Yes I meant that. Your welcome – I have never been the same since that story and it was 4 years ago.

    Like

    The Shitastrophy recently posted Tip Tuesday!.

  100. Is it just me or does #69 kind of answer #59? I mean if you can smell it, what are the chances a drug dog wouldn’t be able to…unless it had a cold or something, in which case it should totally of called in sick that day.

    Like

  101. Do you think that a strong smell can help me get rid of these hiccoughs?

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  102. Where else can I go to get such awesome information as this? Thank you for being so original:)

    Like

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  103. If there is anyone that would know the answer to that question the answer is so clearly you. Needed this smile right now. I won’t change if you don’t. Promise.

    Like

  104. Oh…I’m SO off to check for the weird shit people have used to find my blog. NOTHING is as fantastic as vagina meth.

    Well. There’s a phrase I 1) never imagined I’d ever say and 2) am thoroughly grossed out by. It’s apparently a normal day here on your blog.😉

    Like

    Jess recently posted Townhome Twits Episode V: The Baba Yaga.

  105. @Brigid my tab said the same thing! Totally thought this was going to be a blog about Googling while having anal sex. And my cat tries to smell my eyeballs all the time.

    Like

  106. A post, I mean . . .

    Like

  107. #59 & #69 seem related.

    Like

  108. I just think it’s a bad idea to store anything in your vagina. Even meth.

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    RageMichelle recently posted To Women Half My Age.

  109. ‘Smell, my ass’

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  110. Bought your book today. But totally forgot to pick up eyeball deodorant and maple syrup. I’ll start a list for tomorrow.

    Like

  111. Please tell me you’re making those up. I’m trying not to go on your site because I laugh too much and my husband thinks I’m on drugs or something cause he doesn’t get the humor and then that makes me laugh harder. But then I saw on Facebook something about meth in your vagina so of course I had to come and read it. Now he wants to read it to see why I’m laughing and he won’t get it. Vicious cycle.

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  112. 113
    katie-bo-batie

    This is so appropriate with the recent training of dogs to sniff out ovarian cancer in women’s cootches. Let’s just hope they haven’t been storing their meth up there! It’ll confuse the dogs too much

    Like

  113. Oh there’s nothing I like better than the smell of button quail excrement in the morning.

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    Jeff recently posted Don’t worry. She’s fine..

  114. I really wish vaginas were treated with more loving kindness. But I’m really glad someone explained the whole cat pee meth smell ammonia connection.

    Like

    MILF Runner recently posted Sunday Seven.

  115. You know that super fun game where you add “in bed” at the end of your cookie’s fortune? Google is just a fortune teller for the bored and insane.

    Like

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  116. i wrote one post about expired twizzlers and now most of my traffic comes through that. or the harry potterville posts. damn it. but i don’t recall you writing any posts about cat-smelling-eyeball-vagina-meth.

    must’ve missed that one.

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  117. It is only a matter of time before maple-syrup-flavored meth becomes popular as a vaginal douche. Be careful of anyone on the bus who reminds you strangely of pancakes…

    BTW, I love your book!!! Thank you for writing it. I feel like I’ve found my homeland, and you Jenny are our glorious leader. Keep writing more please.

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    Lyda recently posted Pollyanna and the Parrots of Doom.

  118. I stand by my claim that smelling the eyeball before licking is simply polite. We need etiquette, people.

    Jenny, I think I learned that from you. So, I stand by YOUR claim.
    Smell before licking. It’s called MANNERS.

    Like

  119. I’m a little appalled and very worried for these random strangers who keep worrying about their smelly eyeballs and the meth in their vagina?! :O

    I hope this was some I’m-bored-so-let’s-come-up-with-weird-search-phrases-for-google phenomenon.

    Can eyeballs smell? Shit.
    Now I’m very curious.

    Like

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  120. I’m not sure if I’m more amused or more grossed out by both the analytics and the comments! Eyeball licking actually sounds way more gross than vagina meth, but maybe that’s just me.

    Like

    Skye recently posted A Body at Rest Tends to Stay at Rest.

  121. My biggest question is, do multiple people have the meth-smelling-vagina issue, or was it the same person asking both times? I don’t think I would even recognize the smell of meth if it was coming out of my vagina!

    Like

  122. On a recent episode of Breaking Bad, it was mentioned that there’s a definitive “cat pee” smell to making meth. Ammonia fertilizer is mentioned as a source for a Birch reduction on this article, which is, surprisingly, one of the most interesting things I’ve read online lately.

    http://www.vice.com/read/a-comprehensive-guide-to-cooking-meth-on-breaking-bad

    Like

  123. What the hell is a “vigina” ?? (#62) is that a mini vagina?

    Like

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  124. Oh dear God, help us all.

    Like

    Mindy recently posted The Kitchen Remodel: Phase 7.

  125. Here’s a weird thought…maybe they were searching for the Bloggess, but couldn’t remember the name or the spelling, but knowing your penchant for taxidermy, and…well, come on, admit it, you’ve written about meth and vaginas, right? So naturally these searches make sense.
    Diane posted: Squirrels in the Doohickey

    Like

    D Holcomb recently posted Lions and Doggies and Me Oh My.

  126. My top referrer last week…

    poop

    Yeah, I feel classy.🙂

    Like

    Houston recently posted Remember When Steven Tyler Fell In The Shower?.

  127. No, no…you have this all wrong. The GUN was in her vagina (ow!!!) and the meth was in her butt. I love you, Jenny, but please get your stuff organized. Jeesh.

    Like

  128. That is just…disconcerting, to say the least. We human beings are some strange creatures, lol.

    Like

    Sasha recently posted Review - Bliss Clog Dissolving Cleansing Milk.

  129. No 68. – can moving into a house with a dead cat make you sick – did they move in and bring the dead cat with them or was there a dead cat in the house ? Lol

    Like

  130. What’s the smell? Or should you say, Ooooh that smell. You and Lynyrd Skynyrd, that’s some good company you are keeping.

    Like

    Jean recently posted LA Fitness | Dracula on Broadway: Beginning.

  131. It’s probably the meth messing with their brains, but maybe some of these people should look into learning how to spell once they’ve cleared up whatever’s going on downstairs.

    Like

  132. Number 69 couldn’t be better placed.

    Like

  133. I’m pretty sure that my favorite one was something about getting rid of the scent of meth out of your vagina. Although, ALL of them were amazing. If you have the scent of meth in your vag, you MAY want to rethink the decisions you’ve been making recently. Holy-flying-crap-mokeys!

    Like

    Jeneral Insanity recently posted He told me I couldn’t take pictures in the “toy” store. (This is probably not safe for work BTW).

  134. What, the actual fuck, are people doing with their lives? It is insanely amusing and also incredibly disturbing and I cannot decide how I feel about it.

    Like

    Dean recently posted In the Air Tonight.

  135. 136
    Notmyrealname

    Actually heard teenagers are absorbing vodka through their eyeballs so they get drunk but don’t have alcohol on their breath… Maybe they google to be sure their eyeballs won’t give them away?

    Like

  136. so onetime in residency-my intern year in general surgery to be exact-i had a trauma victim come in and she was all fucked up because she had just rolled her truck down a mountain. and so she went immediately to get a cat scan of her whole body. i was watching the cat scan in the back room and was baffled by the strange object in her vagina. i then went and asked her what she had in her vagina at which point she vehemently denied any sort of vaginal foreign body. long story short, we eventually had to restrain her and pry the meth pipe out of her vagina for evidence. moral: a dog may or may not be able to smell meth in your vagina, but you certainly can’t hide your vagina meth from the all seeing eye of the cat scan.

    Like

  137. Who knew there were so many ways to spell vagina?

    Like

  138. I find that suddenly I really need to know: CAN drug dogs smell meth in a vagina?

    The world may never know…

    Like

    Maya recently posted Who ARE You People?.

  139. 66 is brilliant, 69 is truly disturbing for so many reasons including what possible post they could have landed on ;D

    Like

    JJ - 84thand3rd recently posted Moroccan Quinoa, Avocado & Orange Salad.

  140. Um, #69, uh, that one seems appropriately numbered.

    I’m still baffled at how someone found mine with “muscle woman with piercing abs”. It’s the piercing that worries me the most. That’s some really awesome abs.

    Like

    batpoopcrazy recently posted We Have Angered the Appliance Gods.

  141. 142
    John Kirkpatrick

    I am SO happy that Will Wheaton collated that paper that lead me to you.
    Keep the faith, and thanks for all the fish, or some mixed-up nonsense like that!

    Like

  142. Why are so many people putting meth in their vaginas?? Good lord. If you’re going to have that crap just use it like you’re supposed to.

    Like

    Annie Jay recently posted Swimming Pools, Ghosts, and Little Victories.

  143. I’m sitting here thinking “did these women store the meth in their vaginas and why would they do that or is it that doing meth makes your vagina smell like it and does meth even have a smell?” *brain explodes*

    Now I’m going to be wondering this all day….unless I google it. Aaagh!

    Like

  144. Shit, I was wondering where I put my meth.

    Like

  145. can the cat pee meth smell come from the vagina….???? what the hell does that mean… really who thinks up that crap…
    Love your blog… k

    Like

  146. I love “can’t get the smell of meth out of my vagina”! Ironically, it’s number 69.

    *try Vagbreze

    Like

    One Classy Motha recently posted Cheapo Wino Review Wednesday! Alamos Red Blend.

  147. ^Ditto. You (and by extension your blog which by extension means all those people that ended up here through Google’s strange ways… I mean, really? No! Your eyeballs shouldn’t smell… unless you’re dead or they exploded or something… but I think you’d have bigger problems to worry about if that happened) are just abnosome. Thanks for making my day… as usual.

    Like

  148. people worry me. Google validates this worry.

    Like

    courtney recently posted Some Like it Hot.

  149. Some days I love the randomness of other people . . .

    Like

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  150. why are people with a vagina so inept at spelling it?

    Like

  151. I think “Cat Pee Vaginal Meth Smell” would be a good band name.

    Like

    Laurie Brown recently posted Hallucinations by Oliver Sacks. Alfred A. Knopf, 2012.

  152. Had to comment. Over the weekend I saw (your) Beyonce’s mate. Seriously. There’s a quirky market along I-90 just west of Spokane, WA that sells things like giant metal gazebos, mass produced statues of Michaelangelo’s David… and an 8 foot tall metal rooster! I don’t know if I want it more for you or for myself. Here’s their FB: https://www.facebook.com/pages/I-90-Auctions/213553665323694.

    Your husband is going to hate me, and we haven’t even met.
    Your eternal fan,
    Deb.

    Like

  153. Meth out of my vagina? What kind of weirdos do you attract??

    Oh wait. I’m here.

    Like

    Lady Jennie recently posted Honoring Mothers.

  154. This reminds me to google why the hell my cat does smell my eyeballs. I hope it’s not b/c they smell like vag meth. And is it just me or does “vag meth” sound like the dirty version of “bad breath”?

    Like

  155. Clearly my eyeballs smell. My cats check them out pretty regularly. Not exactly sure what they might smell like, obviously nothing edible or I would no longer have them, they would have been removed in my sleep and left somewhere in my bed, buried (to hide/save for later) and half eaten, and I wouldn’t even know it because I wouldn’t be able to see.

    I ordered your book and am anxiously awaiting it’s arrival! 🙂

    Like

  156. At least you don’t get lots of hits for poop and rope bondage. Or do you?

    Like

    Kylie recently posted Laundromat Fantasies.

  157. I knew I can count on the Bloggess to determine the smell in my vagina! you are totally cutting in on the ob/gyn profits nationwide.

    Like

    monica recently posted Thanks, hubby. Now we are all gonna die..

  158. Now, I’m pretty sure that the IT department would throw a flag if they found “can’t get rid of the smell of meth out of my vagina” in my search history.

    I can attest, however, to the fact that cats love smelly clothes. Or anything that smells like sweaty hockey girl. Hmmm…I dated a boy like that once.

    Like

  159. Wow. Just wow. Trying not to be judgy here but… I got queasy at some of that.
    Not the cats sleeping on dirty laundry… what made me queasy was a cat who threw up on clean laundry.

    Like

  160. One of my most popular searches for my blog is something about blindfolded kids. I’m not sure why people are looking for that, or why they come to my blog looking for answers. I don’t think I’ve ever blindfolded my kids!?!

    Like

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  161. people continue to find my blog by searching for “duck doggers porn.” I don’t know, and I don’t want to. Still, happy to have readers!

    Like

    April recently posted Family Food Art by Abigail Lu.

  162. Eyeball smelling is the new glue huffing. But don’t do it too much; it’ll shrink your weewee and make you grow hair in all the wrong places. Everything in moderation, loves.

    Like

    iris de mallemarok recently posted An’ I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure I think I got it some more.

  163. Your Google results and my Google results are VERY different. Very different. Yours are more interesting. Way more interesting.

    Like

    Tara recently posted Todays Theme: Toilet Paper, over or under?.

  164. why does poop sometimes smell like blueberry muffins? or is the other way around?

    Like

  165. Wow. I am so not up on my vaginal meth.

    Like

    eli recently posted linea negra.

  166. Just an FYI; I mentioned this blog in an IT forum at work and it started a strange conversation that I thought you might enjoy:

    http://community.spiceworks.com/topic/369983-hysterical-google-analytics

    (Love it. I want a ride on that diamond-encrusted jet. ~ Jenny)

    Like

    Dean recently posted In the Air Tonight.

  167. So if there is a smell in your house the lesson here is to start with ruling out all of the eyeballs. If those are clear it’s time to investigate the vaginae in the home. Pony up ladies.

    Like

    Sara recently posted momPharisees.

  168. Sorry, at least one of those hits was me. I needed to show that post to a coworker because she was having a bad day. 😀

    Like

  169. My cat smells my eyeballs too!!!!!! What is up with that?!

    Like

  170. Pffffft….who puts meth in a vagina, anyway? That’s where you stash your heroin. Everyone knows that. Meth is strictly for up-the-ass action.

    It’s fucking etiquette people…

    Like

    Megly Mc recently posted If Only the Powerball Offered a Manticore….

  171. Why DO cats smell eyeballs? Actually, I have a dog that does this. I figured she did it to be an ass.

    Like

  172. Just googled it! It’s because there’s refined fish scales in my mascara.? who knew?

    Like

  173. At our blog, we get a lot of searches on ‘basement porn nudes’, x-ray porn, chocolate penises, and ‘is Pecos Texas a nice place to live’. I’m not blaming this on any of my co-bloggers.

    Like

    Geek Goddess recently posted Canadian Spider Research, eh?.

  174. Wow, there is just so much to say about this one…
    a) Is nobody concerned about the dead cats being buried and rotting somewhere?
    b) One person is wondering if their vajayjay smells like cat pee meth (is this different from regular meth?) yet a second Googler wonders how to get rid of the smell of meth from their bits.
    c) Did the same person on meth ask if your eyeballs can smell?
    d) Does anyone feel sorry for the Thunderbird Hotel on Treasure Island, FL? I do. Also for the patrons of this hotel, if the answer is “yes”.
    e) Just what exactly is button quail excrement smell? Did someone sniff a quail’s poop? Or just the quail itself and decided it smelled like poop? Either way, I now feel sorry for the button quail as well.
    f) Just to confirm for all inquiring minds that wanna know: Canadian new $100 bills do NOT smell like maple syrup, unless they’ve fallen out of your pocket on to a plate of pancakes. Or they’re given out as pay for work in the Aunt Jemima factory.

    Like

    Jackie recently posted What I Learned.

  175. My vagina’s excellent at storing frozen peas. Meth I haven’t tried. Yet.

    Like

    HerMelness Speaks recently posted The one where my vagina broke.

  176. I think that smell is coming from downstairs.

    But it’s bound to clear up soon.

    Because I just found the decomposed mouse behind the freezer.

    Ack.

    And threw him into the neighbor’s back yard.

    Hush.

    Like

    HogsAteMySister recently posted The Terrors of the Elderly Await Us.

  177. The answer the #65 is yes, eyes can smell. At least mine can. Superpower?

    Meth in a vagina, you have the best followers.

    Like

  178. Apparently my eyeballs smell. Or my eyelashes. My Great Dane mix likes to sniff my eyes.

    Like

    Sue recently posted Why must software companies change the UI?.

  179. Or the guy sitting next to me, who’s crammed his fat ass in a baby-sized seat on this MoFo airplane.

    Like

    A Pleasant House recently posted Closing The Garden Gate.

  180. Finally someone has helped figure out where she hid my meth, if only my eyeballs could smell I would have figured it out. Damn.

    Like

    Jack recently posted Blog Cancellation Fees- The Easy Way To Monetize.

  181. 182
    elaine kurpiel

    You have one strange computer. I think I would just get a more normal one. Anyway, all those results relate to why it is important we stay clean.

    Like

  182. Interesting that they are looking for advice of how to get the smell of meth out of the vagina? Woman your work is never done!

    Like

    Jenn recently posted Stunt Driver?.

  183. People get to one of my blog posts EVERY DAY by googling ‘steps to fucking’. I just wish non-perverts who know how to have sex would read it…

    Like

    RageMichelle recently posted How To Be An Adult Child Of A Narcissist.

  184. Hoping no one that knows me can get a list of things I google.

    Check out my blog. My counselor suggested I write. So here’s a snapshot of what depression and anxiety does to a person.

    Like

    Melissa recently posted In Need of Some Inspiration.

  185. Y’all what’s up with #56? “Brown smelly liquid around cat’s mouth tapazole.” What’s a tapazole? Or did they mean mouth tap asshole (which still makes no sense)? Yes the eyeball smelling/licking is disturbing and I can’t even contemplate the vagina meth smell/ meth storage problem. But, y’all, that poor cat in #56 has a problem and needs a vet. Any vets here?

    Like

  186. I found the fact that there were three different results regarding meth and vaginas…surprising. That’s saying a lot, because there’s not much about vaginas that I find surprising.

    Like

  187. Doesn’t every fluid from a cat smell to high heaven no matter what end it comes from?

    Like

    CrissyMoss recently posted Just Throw Me To The Wolves, Why Don’t You!.

  188. I’m really glad I’m not the only one who looks to you for answers about smelling meth from someone else’s vagina. I’ve always thought of you as an authority on this topic, and Google Analytics just proved it.

    Like

    Lisa Newlin recently posted Who Interviewed Wendi McLendon-Covey and Is Being Used in the ULTA Beauty LOL campaign? THIS GIRL!.

  189. Too funny! The comments are a riot as always🙂 Thanks for sharing and giving my morning some interest!

    PS – To Kim H – Tapazole is used to treat hyperthyroidism in cats by inhibiting the production of thyroid hormones to offer rapid, effective results. But yeah, #56 definitely needs help!🙂

    Like

    Lisa H. recently posted Cause you know blueberries freeze in space, right?.

  190. Oh what’s that joke about the old lady prostitute with the fake eyeball, where the punch line is ‘I ‘ll keep an eye out for you?’

    Also, could someone please come up with a way to help people spell vagina properly? Maybe an acronym, like ‘Victor’s Always Glad I’m Not Anal’. You know, something like that. Although does that one sound like the vagina is talking? If you thought so, then what kind of voice did you read it in? Just wondering.

    Like

  191. A good portion of these made me want to puke a bit… The others made me sad to see that many people don’t know how to spell “vagina.”

    Like

    Emelie recently posted My Friends Don’t Know How to Lead Happy Games of Life Lives and It Makes Me Upset..

  192. Hi, Jenny,

    I apologize in advance.

    I’m a dental hygienist and would like to interview you for dentaleggs. It’s a website about dental stuff with — aw, fzck it. I don’t really know what it is. I just had this idea to interview notable persons about their teeth and other dumb shit.

    Anyhoo, I would love to interview you for the site. Thanks for your time.

    Eva Watson
    dentaleggs.com

    Like

  193. I think the people working at Google Analytics are just bored and mess with our searches.

    Like

  194. You prompted me to do the same. My favorite was…

    Rupert Giles Topless

    My best friend did warn me to cut back on the Buffy references.

    Like

  195. So, if we ever meet in person again, I can ask you to smell my eyeball and it won’t be weird, right?

    Like

    GurlNxtDoor recently posted Memory Lane Monday: Star Wars and Existential Crises.

  196. I hate to be this girl, but why did they misspell Vagina?? If you have one you should be able to spell it. Heck if you don’t have one, you came out of one, you should be able to spell it. It is like spelling home, Houm.

    You say Vagaina, I say Vagina, Let’s just call the whole thing off.

    Like

    Woman_on_Pause recently posted All is not Lost.

  197. A stuffed wolf for Professor Lupine.

    Like

    Frankie Lawson recently posted I Confess: I Cut Myself.

  198. dumbledore might need to be a dormouse dressed in a bee costume since dumbledore’s name meant bee. i was so excited to see this post. we have a cat named ginny and a snake named sirius. (plus other non-HP named pets, none of whom are taxidermied as of yet).

    Like

  199. 59 is a legitimate question – any response, Jenny?

    Like

    Kenna recently posted Sestiess.

  200. So, what the hell does meth smell like? That’s likely to be the difference between mildly disturbed and horribly disturbed.

    Like

  201. 203
    Red Crayon

    annnoe said, “Of course, what I took away from this is that an awful lot of people can’t spell ‘vagina.'”

    Yep. And I scrolled through a lot of comments, because I thought, “Am I the only one who can’t get past the inability to spell ‘vagina’?” Glad to know you, annnoe.

    Like

  202. I’m always kind of frightened by how many searches to my blog = word I have used often + porn

    Like

    Kate recently posted making faces :: you say you want a revolution?.

  203. Yes, Vagaina there is a Panty Claws

    Like

    Mustang Sally recently posted New TV series "Portlandia".

  204. OMG THAT’S where I forgot my Meth! I am so glad I read this post…..

    Like

    Airen Wolf recently posted Lovehoney Gift Pack Sale.

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