I miss you already.

Every month or so I go to Google Analytics to see which search terms are sending people to this blog.

Here are a few of the most interesting ones:

“I carry booze into work with me…in my stomach”

“Why do men lose head hair but grow ear hair?”

“How to make a booze rifle”

“my cat loves pills”

“Do lesbians like lounge pants?”

“6 year old has roach in ear but doctor said that is his eardrum”

“Does God kill a kitten when you touch yourself?”

“Are heroine addicts telling doctors spiders are leaving eggs inside of them?”

“Why does Katie Couric blink so much?”

“Asshole bitches won’t let me watch my doctor who”

“And that’s why Neil Patrick Harris would be the most successful serial killer ever”

“Why are there so many ostriches?”

“Why is my cat so awesome?”

“Why do Amish people think God hates zippers?”

“Morgan Freeman with a kitten on his head”

“velociraptor in love with cloverfield monster?”

“My cat needs vampire blood”

PS.  Apparently Google is removing keyword search data from Analytics.  I really want to complain, but it’s possible Google is just trying to save us from ourselves.

163 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I have to wonder how much alchohol has been consumed for some of these searches to be made. Also, please let it be known that God never kills kittens.

    (Well, someone’s killing them. ~ Jenny)

    Like

    Kara recently posted Distressed Christmas Lights.

  2. The brochure said there’d only be a few ostriches! This is a terrible vacation!

    Like

  3. Morgan Freeman with a kitten on his head – that’s almost like somebody actually read your blog!

    Like

    daniel recently posted Comparing Grapes.

  4. Yes, but DO lesbians like lounge pants? If that’s not the name of a book/TV show/Movie it damn well should be.

    Like

  5. “Why is my cat so awesome?”
    Why would you google a rhetorical question?

    Like

    Squishy Amber recently posted On stress and the lack of booze.

  6. While those seem odd, it makes sense that the internet would send these people to you.
    I find my stats more entertaining than any other aspect of my blog. Apparently, I am an expert on combustible straw bales!

    Like

    Erica O recently posted Ghost hunting in The Brown Palace.

  7. Clearly you’ve staked your claim in many areas of pop culture.

    Like

  8. Well maybe that’ll stop the asshole bitches from Who-blocking.

    Like

    Jess recently posted Random Crap (or I'm too cranky and lazy to think up a clever title)..

  9. I wish I got any searches half as entertaining as those. I’m a little jealous. Okay a lot jealous.

    Like

    Leigh recently posted I have no excuse (Days 83 and 84 KEDfaY).

  10. That’s sad news. I always enjoy reading those.

    “Morgan Freeman with a kitten on his head”

    lol, what??

    Like

    Sheylara recently posted Parrot entertains us at the bar.

  11. The best one: “Asshole bitches won’t let me watch my doctor who.” Don’t ever mess with the Doctor.

    Like

    Lynn recently posted Thoughtful Thursday.

  12. Awww… I love my search stats! Sometimes they just make me laugh and laugh! Not cool, Google!

    Like

    Joanne Haagenson recently posted Tiny Boxes.

  13. “Are heroine addicts telling doctors spiders are leaving eggs inside of them?”

    Now that it’s been asked. . . I kind of want to know.

    Like

    Sarah recently posted Taking the Flat-Landers to the Top of the World.

  14. This would make for the absolutely most entertaining Venn diagram ever.

    Like

    Danielle recently posted On 9/11, or Can't We All Just Get Along?.

  15. I wish my keyword analytics were that interesting. Sigh…

    It’s good to know that when people need help with the tough questions they can turn to you.

    Like

    fairbetty recently posted A Carriage Driving Event (Photos).

  16. Clearly the real question is “why WOULDN’T lesbians like lounge pants?”

    And what was the answer on the booze rifle thing? That sounds like a product I’d use. As would this: http://www.givesimple.com/WineSippyCup?gclid=CMn23uSU6rkCFVNo7AodDEoAxA

    Like

    Shelley J recently posted Assembly required.

  17. God, I’ve killed so many kittens.

    Like

    Megly Mc recently posted Goooood Morning Oman!!!!!!.

  18. I am literally going to go google each one of those things right now.

    Like

  19. Will my cat turn into a vampire if it drinks vampire blood?

    Like

    jessie marie recently posted Sleepwalking and Ghosts?.

  20. Squishy Amber and Erica O (or as I’m going to call her from now on “Erico”) BFFs. Totes.

    Like

    Squishy Amber recently posted On stress and the lack of booze.

  21. Pretty sure that the main research tool the aliens use to study us is search term analytics.

    Like

    neal recently posted On falling down.

  22. But Google analytic keyword searches are the best! Also, I need to get a booze gun. That sounds like a weapon I could own.

    Like

    Jen at PIWTPITT.com recently posted Douchebag Teenagers and Their Parents.

  23. Now that you mention it, buttons do seem more holy than zippers.

    Like

    Mary recently posted Hermanos Malbec-Tannat.

  24. Lesbian here. Lounge pants RULE.😀

    Like

    Maxine Dangerous recently posted Uproot.

  25. NPH would make an amazing serial killer. And that would probably end better than Dexter did.

    And which heroine are these people addicted to? And why hasn’t anyone made a movie about her yet?

    Like

    Cher recently posted I Need an Old Priest and a Young Priest.

  26. I see lesbians in loungepants armed with booze rifles and riding in formation upon too many ostriches. No wonder Morgan Freeman has grabbed up his kittens.

    Like

    Anubis Bard recently posted 364,000 Dead.

  27. Actually, the zippers thing is a pretty good question. Now I kind of want to know the answer.

    Like

  28. I am going to be sad when they quit giving you the keyword search information because I find these “how do these people keep finding me” posts are so incredibly amusing to me.

    Like

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted You might be an evil BNP if....

  29. My key to a happy life: live alone. Ain’t no asshole bitches keepin me from my Doctor Who.

    Like

  30. I’m going to see if my husband will start a band named Lesbian Lounge Pants….

    Like

  31. Booze gun? Didn’t Homer Simpson invent that?

    Like

    Erin recently posted Little Details | Orlando Newborn Photographer.

  32. I find these to be both amusing and disorienting. I think someone should write a song with all those searches as lyrics. (But if it does turn get turned into a song, I probably shouldn’t listen to it while driving.)

    Like

    alejna recently posted 3 photos of broken glass.

  33. If a vampire kitten is on Morgan Freeman’s head, is it going to suck his blood or just be lulled to sleep by the dulcet tones of his voice?

    Like

    KMB recently posted Bad Movie Afternoon: Infection....the Invasion Begins (Part 1 because of all these images).

  34. My cat also loves pills. That’s why my purse rattles like I just robbed a pharmacy. It’s the cat.

    P.S. I wish I could “like” all these comments!

    Like

    Renee recently posted I know best..

  35. Oddly enough, the one that has me baffled is “Why does Katie Couric blink so much?”. Out of all of those, THAT’S the one that seems odd to me.

    Like

    Marissa recently posted Cue the "awwww"s.

  36. You know.. I looked up a lot about velociraptors in my time, but never that. No. Never.

    My daughter was called that for her first 6 months of life. She had very sharp nails, and a bitey mouth. Maybe I should google that and see if it brings me here….

    Like

    Itzybellababy recently posted Green and Organic Cleaning series: Part V, Surfaces.

  37. I love these…

    And I really want a kitten. Morgan Freeman can come along as well

    Like

    Ragemichelle recently posted Big Sister.

  38. Well, look at that, there really is a picture of Morgan Freeman with a kitten on his head.

    Like

    Rachel Sea recently posted Trigger Warning: Sum of my Experience.

  39. Someone please let them know that no kittens will die if they touch themselves! That just made me feel bad.

    Also, DO lesbians like lounge pants? Because knowing that would really help me this Christmas.

    Like

    Laurie recently posted Black Dog Syndrome.

  40. Well, thanks for that info – hubs isn’t happy about the removal of keywords. Seems like he uses them for his website. Who knew we needed saving?!

    Like

    Alli recently posted There Are Better Things Than Ding Dongs (like this Ding Dong CAKE!).

  41. Maybe Amish people still have body hair; body hair hates zippers…

    Like

  42. Velociaraptor Cloverfield Monster love child = the place nightmares are born.

    Like

  43. You know, WHY do Amish people think God hated zippers? I would really like to know.

    Like

    thedoseofreality recently posted Our Favorite “Rant” Ever!.

  44. Forget about booze rifles. Someone searched for “tampon gun” on my blog. And “boxing rats.” I don’t know if that means rats in the act of boxing, or putting rats in a box to be shipped somewhere. And where would you use a tampon gun? To hold up a blood bank?

    Like

    TexasTrailerParkTrash recently posted It’s Not Your Mother’s Oldsmobile…Or Is It?.

  45. Not that body hair is related to God. Or even Godliness. That I know.

    God loves zippers, body hair, the Amish and even masturbation. Less stress and fewer unwanted pregnancies. At least one would hope.

    Like

  46. It’s like Google hates you, because those search term analytics are wonderful fodder for some of your blog posts! I will miss these. *sniff*

    Like

    Skye recently posted Rebound Effect.

  47. It was a forbidden love. A wild love of unbridled passion. But it seemed like the whole world stood in their way. Velociraptor and Cloverfield. Coming soon to a theater near you.

    Like

    Holly Folly recently posted My Dog Smells like Pina Colada now..

  48. 48
    Kathy P in Pittsburgh

    points of possible interest: Amish people don’t usually use buttons, either. Buttons are decorative, and therefore prideful.
    Amish women are not allowed to shave any parts of their body, nor cut their hair, as it is considered prideful to change what God gave one. This, of course, does not explain why Amish MEN are allowed to shave until they marry, at which time they grow a beard. But not a mustache, because…say it with me….mustaches are prideful. (In general. Some bishops may be more lenient than others.)
    Now I’m thinking of Morgan Freeman watching Dr Who while kittens sit on his head. Morgan’s, not the Doctor’s…but….yeah. Might be time to take my meds.

    Like

  49. So curious as to why Neil Patrick Harris would be such an adept serial killer now.

    Like

    Jess recently posted October’s Weekend Blog Crawl.

  50. I went through my WordPress search stats yesterday. My first thought after reading the data was, “Boy, there are some real weirdos on the Internet.”

    Like

    Courtney recently posted Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups..

  51. I hope it’s not true about the kittens.

    Like

    Kit recently posted Crochet Pig Hat by Kits.

  52. Okaaay. Mustaches are prideful. ?

    NPH would make an awesome serial killer. On TV. In real life that would be sad.

    Like

  53. is it wrong to want to image search a lot of these?? Yes, the morgan freeman one.

    Like

  54. Sitemeter will do that for you too🙂

    Like

  55. wait! WTF google. Why do you take away all the best things? That’s why you use analytics, to figure out how people find you. People find my website by googling “fat naked man” which leaves me somewhat repulsed and somewhat honored.

    Like

  56. Now I want to see Morgan Freeman with a kitten on his head

    Like

  57. Well that makes sense. I see my search on the list but am embarrassed to say so now.

    Like

    Kelli K recently posted It Restarted My Damaged Heart.

  58. Herione addicts, are those people that are addicted to female heros? Why would they think they have spiders eggs inside them? Were they in a Sci Fi book? Maybe a Dr Who episode?

    Like

  59. I carry booze with my stomach. That one was probably me.

    Like

  60. Let’s face facts: NPH would be the best at just about anything he tried, so OBVIOUSLY he would be the most successful serial killer ever. Let’s just hope he sticks to his legen-waitforit-dary award show hosting🙂

    Like

    Cynthia Hill recently posted Five Years Ago Today….

  61. Or maybe I can’t spell and it’s Heroine🙂

    Like

  62. “Why are there so many ostriches?”

    makes me want to ask the obvious follow-up question:

    Where are there so many ostriches?

    I’m guessing they are in NewStralia, burying their heads in sparkly, hobbit-enriched, exfoliating sand so they are ready to pose for blog pics when you get there.

    Like

    Hj recently posted September Status.

  63. This list makes me fearful of so many new things: wasting booze in rifles, killing kittens, puncturing my eardrum fishing roaches out, ostriches chasing me, NPH killing me… Dear gawd, maybe it is a good thing. But I’ll miss your analytics-related posts, for sure.

    Like

    Kelly Fox recently posted Bad Poetry Thursday: Of Love and Betrayal.

  64. god I love these people.

    Like

    monica recently posted I predict a long future of living at home..

  65. Hey, there’s always Statcounter. That’s how I find out about my bizarre-o search data.

    And the kitten thing is probably from the Domo-kun meme (were they called memes yet, back then?) that said “Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten” and had a kitten fleeing Domo-kun. (seen here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:God-kills-kitten.jpg)

    There were also ones that replaced the kitten’s face (just the face) with Tony Danza’s head.

    Which then makes me sing Tiny Dancer, but with the misheard lyrics “Hold me closer, Tony Danzaaaaaa!”

    (….goodnight everybody)

    Like

    Jen recently posted Tell them what they don't want to hear.

  66. I hope blogger keeps theirs going. I love it too much. I already may never get over the fact that you won’t be posting anymore of your best search terms. It’s like a competition really, kind of like I’m inspired to try to get weirder terms than you got. I’m not even close yet, so no worries on your part. I’m thinking I should blog more about taxidermy.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted A message to 300 moms and the guy trying to save their kids.

  67. “Heroine addicts” . . . is that all the Jane Austin fans?

    Like

    Freya Shipley recently posted How to Be a Better Talker: Six Strategies for Success.

  68. I’m carrying booze in my stomach right now. And probably some spider eggs.

    Like

    Julie the Wife recently posted What the Foccacia is She Talking About?.

  69. No, why is MY cat so awesome?? There’s a questions for ya Google!!!

    Like

    Cara Hersey recently posted Walnut Spinach Pesto Pasta w/ Goat Cheese.

  70. So I definitely want to search ALL of these now to see what ELSE comes up…. I mean, if that stuff leads here, what other awesome things might we discover?

    Like

  71. Wait, somebody has a booze rifle, and nobody told me? Uncool.

    Like

  72. “Asshole bitches won’t let me watch my doctor who”. I just about pee’d laughing. Also, who ARE these asshole bitched, cause doctor who hindrance is serious.

    Like

  73. 73
    Alie Kriofske

    Everybody likes lounge pants!

    Like

  74. Also, we have a pool floatie that my son named Katie Couric.

    Like

    Alie Kriofske recently posted Communication, force fields and marriage..

  75. What I love the most is that the crazies are asking the questions……….but now that we’ve seen the questions, the rest of us really want to know the answers!

    Like

  76. Booze guns originated from potato launchers. There were some boys and they made a potato launcher to annoy the neighbors. It worked really well. The neighbors were super annoyed, and so the boys got bored and left their potato launcher in someone’s shed, where the potatoes still left inside the launcher turned into vodka, eventually. Years later, some other boys found it and were amazed that some moron made a booze launcher when everyone knows that only solids launch really well, but a booze gun, now that was different. They made the first booze gun prototype, developed it, and eventually sold it in three different flavors on QVC in the early morning hours between 2 and 4, I think someone we know, not mentioning any names here, might have a tequila one. They made a lot of money, became venture capitalists, and invested heavily i n an overseas lesbian lounge pant manufacturing plant. They wanted to do some good in the world, so they promised that, for every pair of lesbian lounge pants they sold, they would give a cat in need some pills and vampire blood. True story. Soon to be made into a documentary.

    Like

    chickens consigliere recently posted The Art of Negotiation.

  77. I checked my own “key search words” for my blog. #1 was “big white ass.” I think I’ve been insulted??

    Like

    Marianne recently posted Clumsy.

  78. “Lounge Pant Lesbians” is the name of my Indigo Girls cover band.

    Like

  79. Wait. What? They’re removing it!!?? Why!?

    Do you happen to know if that’s going to be retroactive…? I have so much fun looking through my own keyword data.😦

    Like

  80. I just have this image of them sitting in Google headquarters, muttering as they press the delete button on the keyword searches part, “It’s for your own goods…”

    Like

    Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous recently posted And THIS is why I don't trust school camps....

  81. Please, for the love of all things holy, I hope WordPress never gets rid of the search word info. That always makes my day.
    And Neil Patrick Harris would make a fabulous serial killer.

    Like

    Nagzilla recently posted I Feel Bad For Collect Call Operators (If They Still Exist, That Is).

  82. I read that the other day and immediately thought of your awesomely funny Search posts. I’m going to miss them!

    Like

    Stacy recently posted Apple Brown Betty Bread Pudding.

  83. I would really like to believe that these are totally serious people, who are not on anything, and they’re like: oh well, my cat needs vampire blood because in their world vampires exist, and this is no ordinary cat.

    They turn to Google for advise in this half muggle, half supe world, and that is how we know they’re there…you know? Through your posts.

    It’s sure crazy that we have to say good bye to that.

    Like

    Miss Gee recently posted Mothers are SO endearing; when they aren't trying to make you hate yourself just a little bit..

  84. Please complain…for all of us.
    And for my Amish vampire cat.

    Like

    Melissa recently posted A moment of fear.

  85. The main searches that usually get people to my site are along the lines of “do the tributes in the Hunger Games poop” and “pooping at summer camp/in public.” (My most popular post is titled “How Do Hunger Games Tributes Manage Pooping In The Wilderness?” I wrote it over a year ago on my dinky little blog, but the post still gets daily traffic. Apparently, I struck a chord.)

    Like

    Katy Bug recently posted My Literal Yarn Stash Is Figuratively Staging A Coup.

  86. I totally get the Morgan Freeman one. It’s all you!

    Like

    Brenna recently posted This kitty is not amused.

  87. How does someone not know that the stomach is the best way to carry booze? C’mon, people!
    If the Amish don’t use buttons or zippers, what do they use? Now I’m picturing them all with bottles of fabric glue all over the house.
    Cause if buttons are too proud, snaps would just be obscenely snappy.

    Like

  88. P.S. All of these comments are great, but Chickens Consigliere’s is outstanding. But I do think I’ve seen stranger things on home shopping. Maybe you should apply for a patent? I’d totally buy a tequila gun.

    Like

  89. All I get is people searching for Pinky the pornstar… Funny that! I’m not surprised you get so many strange ones and I can just picture the guy?? who searched for why men lose head hair but grow ear hair. A George Costanza type you think?

    Like

    Pinky Poinker recently posted For My First Born Baby..

  90. For the last 8 months ALL my search terms have something to do with Dolphin Rape Caves.. *cries* I don’t wanna be the Dolphin Rape Cave girl anymore….

    Like

    Kim recently posted iOS 7… the Update Society Loves to Hate.

  91. It’s a long story, but were it not for the Bloggess, I wouldn’t be blogging and I wouldn’t have gotten to write an article for a local magazine. Thanks Jenny.
    http://beingsmokey.blogspot.com/2013/05/holy-wall-to-wall-people-batman.html

    Like

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  92. I have a feeling Google is trying to drain all the fun from the internet.
    Fortunately, with souls like yours populating the web, jenny, that is near impossible. Its nice to see your fan base is as offbeat and wonderfully original as you are, Bloggess.

    Like

    The Hook recently posted ELVIS LIVES – AGAIN!.

  93. Yeah just what is the deal with me as a guy going bald but I still have hair growing in my ears and two hairs on top of the lobe, what is that shit, even chemo couldn’t stop them from growing, WTF

    Like

    Tom Stronach recently posted Mr Fat: An Update and an End Game !.

  94. As a lesbian, I can tell you that I rarely see other lesbians in lounge pants.

    Generally, lounge pants are for 1960s key parties.

    Or so I’ve been led to believe by The Ice Storm.

    Like

    em recently posted int: life.

  95. Doesn’t EVERYONE like lounge pants?

    Like

  96. I have the feeling that listing all the awesomely crazy searches will only serve to increase them, exponentially to the point where we spiral down this rabbit hole of fabulous insanity. So many questions, so few answers.

    Like

  97. Those asshole bitches better step off and let people watch Doctor Who. You don’t mess with a WHOvian.

    Like

    Andrea @ The Busy Bibliophile recently posted Ten Tiny Breaths by K. A. Tucker {Review}.

  98. Jenny, what would your mind’s eye see though Google Glass?

    The mind boogles.

    Or Googles.

    With kittens.

    Like

    HogsAteMySister recently posted Norman’s Annual Carnival: Goblets, Girls and the Tilt-A-Hurl.

  99. Apparently I can be found by searching ‘do not touch my boobs’

    Like

    Ragemichelle recently posted I Probably Shouldn’t Google That.

  100. The Katie Couric thing has always bugged me but I don’t think I’ve ever looked to your blog for the answer. Just accepted it as “one of those things,” sorta like god hating zippers.

    Like

    Brian recently posted Fatigue.

  101. Oh, I think I’ve spent too much time on Reddit, on most of these comments I wanted to click the up arrow. Can we add that? Pretty please? (just up arrows, no need for down or sideways)

    Like

    Brian recently posted Fatigue.

  102. I don’t know what a booze rifle is, but I’m pretty sure I now need one.

    Like

  103. I’m thinking it’s “because wine” that these searches are so damned creative.

    Like

    batpoopcrazy recently posted Grain-Free Update #3.

  104. Put vodka in a water gun. The new game of laser tag.

    Like

    Lizzzzsnort recently posted Call Me Pope Fivebucks.

  105. I know this is not the strangest thing going on here but… why are so many of the search terms questions? Do people really go to google and ask questions like it’s Ask Jeeves? Do I need to stop overthinking everything? Am I just asking multiple questions on purpose now?

    Like

    Jill Pinnella Corso recently posted Exciting Web Series Update!.

  106. “Asshole bitches won’t let me watch my doctor who” – I feel the pain.

    “And that’s why Neil Patrick Harris would be the most successful serial killer ever” – I feel like I need to hear the rest of this story. If I go google it, will it just send me back to you?

    Like

    Ali recently posted Mani(c) Monday: Why I should swatch before I make "ze arts".

  107. I need to know the answer to the zipper question…perhaps it’s because zippers can grab things? And I am anti-guns but I need a booze rifle.

    Like

  108. Lounge pants: not just for lesbians.

    I’d like to meet the person that TOLD anyone that God would kill a kitten if they touched themselves…perhaps God would like to deal with THEM accordingly?

    Also, there are some valid questions in there – why DOES Katie Couric blink so much? Why DO balding men grow ear fur? Why ARE there so many ostriches? Somebody needs to answer these questions!

    Like

    Jackie recently posted The Million Dollar Question.

  109. Is it bad that I can place at least half of these with some sort of context on this blog? Either I read it too much or I’m just as strange as the rest of the people on here… Is it possible to read this blog too much?

    Like

  110. I want a booze rifle… or 12! How awesome would that be?

    Like

    Clare recently posted How Do I Love Thee – Pinterest Style.

  111. I now have a burning need to have all these questions answered. I think I’ve thrown off your stats for next time around since I had to search all of them (but I searched on bing instead, so maybe the balance of the universe won’t be thrown off.)

    Do the Amish use velcro instead?

    Like

  112. Sadly- after reading this I just had to Google image search “Morgan Freeman with a kitten on his head”. I don’t know why…… But a lot of pictures from your blog were in the results…. so there’s that.

    Like

  113. I love going through my own analytics. It’s hilarious.

    Personally everyone should appreciate a good lounge pant.

    Like

    Ashley F recently posted Fluffy Thing Fridays - Feathered Babies.

  114. The shitty google move is actually a very interesting one: It is thought that a lot of bloggers decide new content on the history and popularity of keywords that were were found interesting by readers in the past.

    Google is (not so much intentionally , because all they want is more money via Ad Words) forcing ‘us’ to write something new, more based on our intuition, instead of analysing the shit of what might be something people want to read. I say ‘us’ because YOU might not use G analytics that way, and I don’t want to offend you. I know I don’t because I am not very good at content marketing and now I’m too late.
    My advice to all is to type random words or questions into google search bar and see what gives the least amount of suggestions. Then write about that. Everyone actually searching (let’s say) “homemade bat-poo pie” will find you at the top of the results page and (yay, BONUS:) you will be a total original.

    Now; anyone who happen to have a good recipe for homemade bat-poo pie, I really need that in my mailbox ASAP, I am expecting a lot of request now that I just brought that up ….

    Like

    Wupppy recently posted VIDEO TIME.

  115. 116
    Bridget McArthur

    Now I HAVE to google “And that’s why Neil Patrick Harris would be the most successful serial killer ever”. I cannot live one second longer and not have the FULL explination!!!!

    Like

  116. I almost didn’t believe this was true except I don’t know if even you could make all of these up. No offense, since you made up the Valentines, which were genius, but still.

    Like

    Ethne @ Wom Mom Blog recently posted BEANIE BABY BLANKET.

  117. I guess I don’t understand search optimization. It’s great that you get the traffic. I’m sure many visitors end up staying and becoming fans. But how these topics lead to your blog is baffling.

    On a side track, there is a twitter account that posts search queries in a poetic format. Kind of cool @GooglePoetics

    Like

    Sue recently posted Why I go into work at 6:30 AM.

  118. I hope I don’t sound like a stalker (’cause I don’t have time for that, plus you’ve already got one) but when I read about Google messing with the keyword search data, I knew I was going to miss your posts about the crazy reasons people visit your blog.

    Like

    Rabia @TheLiebers recently posted Five Minute Friday: True.

  119. While working on a college essay, my daughter emailed me and said, “I was looking up on Google ‘another way to say take a stab’ (as in, ‘He took a stab at it.’) and the third result was The Blogess xD”

    Like

  120. At least your analitics are interesting. Says something about you.
    I won’t comment on what it says about you, but obviously we enjoy coming here😉

    Like

    CrissyMoss recently posted Forgotten Ones.

  121. Google is removing keywords from analytics data?! What the heck! How am I supposed to entertain myself now?

    Like

    Lovelyn recently posted Time to Wake Up.

  122. What is going on in people’s heads?

    Like

    Kathleen recently posted We've Got to Stop Meeting Like This!.

  123. My blog was once found by the search, “Pentacostal queefs.”

    Like

    Unfit Parent recently posted Go Home, Moscato. You're Drunk..

  124. This is always one of my favorite posts… because it is SO FUNNY and interesting to me A)Why people are searching these things? and B)Sometimes they seem particularly unconnected to your blog. I think its fascinating. The internet is great. People are hilarious. The End.

    Like

    Kelly recently posted OMG TGIF LOL BFF4EVA.

  125. “My cat needs vampire blood”
    Why does the cat need vampire blood? Vampire blood would be blood that has – in theory – been circulating in a dead body. That’s both icky and less useful than blood from living people (or living cats). If the cat needs a transfusion, vampire blood is a terrible choice.

    Like

  126. What the hell are lounge pants????

    Like

  127. The idea of a booze rifle has inspired me. I’m going to go to WalMart and buy a Super Soaker water gun and fill it with strawberry schnapps.

    Like

    Shelley J recently posted My chocolate milk theory for saving the world.

  128. More than a few people have found my blog by searching for some variation of “food bloggers that aren’t Mormon.” Since my blog is neither about food, nor am I Mormon, I feel that I have outsmarted Google. Except that I didn’t mean to, which means the joke’s on me. I guess.

    Like

    Coco recently posted Back-To-School Advice From a Jaded Mom. Yay..

  129. True story, slightly related to ostriches in that they were emus:

    I grew up down the road from an emu farm. One day, all the emus broke free. And there were SO MANY EMUS. It was awesome.

    Like

    Dana the Biped recently posted Office Supplies. They Matter..

  130. Not to worry. I expect you can find even better ones in Google Webmaster Tools Search Queries. And … I could probably use some vampire blood. Do you have any?

    Like

  131. So how does one make a booze rifle? That sounds kind of interesting and possibly not recommended to be done at home.

    Like

    Jude recently posted You Sexy Beast.

  132. I’m concerned. What did I miss. Why do you miss us already???

    Like

    em recently posted thankfuls: 27 september 2013.

  133. But, keyword analytics bring me so much joy…People often find me by googling for eyeball. Then I wonder if they are disapointed.

    Like

    Laura recently posted I Like Airports, Just Not Flying.

  134. I once used a similar program to find out how people were fetching up at my blog. One of the phrases was, “Tie my tits together”.

    I also had a little program where I could see where the people currently reading my blog were in the world and what search terms brought them there. Once I caught someone from S. Africa who had arrived by using the words, “Oktoberfest dirndl tits” (fair enough…I was writing about dirndls at the time), so I composed a very fast blog entry that said, “I SEE YOU THERE, YOU PERVERTED SACK OF GOAT SPUNK! NAFF OFF!”

    Like

    Siress Yorkie recently posted Of Dishwashwers and Discoveries.

  135. Lately, my blog appears to be THE place to go for “Oliver Hudson feet.”

    Like

    Stefani recently posted forgotten photos.

  136. I really need to know the answers to these questions now. I thought I was content with my life but these questions have completely blindsided me and now I must know

    Like

  137. Nooo! Search terms that lead people to my blog are the best! Well, the best part of stats. Okay, one of the best things. Unless of course, I was The Bloggess – then search terms would totally be my most favorite part of stats. Either way and any way, I say we stage a revolt.

    Like

    Lisa Marie Mary recently posted Four Best Miley Cyrus “Wrecking Ball” Parodies.

  138. Taking away search terms is a travesty! I love my search term data. Isn’t that the whole reason for starting a blog?

    These cracked me up. Thanks for entertaining me while they last.

    Like

    Curiosity recently posted I imagine him or her to be an independently contracting monkey rather than one with a master of some sort..

  139. Well Well Well…that explains alot.

    Like

    Sarah recently posted wayne vs siri.

  140. I don’t use GA on my blogs, although I should since my blogs are on Blogger which means they are on Google basically…LOL. I wonder what wonderful lines I would find were used to find my blog? I do see some keyword activity on Statcounter, (when it isn’t blocked by the user)…and sometimes it is funny. Your search terms are much more exciting than mine and definitely give me reason to laugh. Thank you for that!!

    Like

    Mishka recently posted Rebuilding The Wii.

  141. BOOZE IN MY STOMACH–NOW THAT I WILL HAVETO TRY…

    Like

    leanne tankel recently posted IAN UNDONE: AN OUTTAKE (and thank you ROMANIAN readers!!!).

  142. I’m trying to figure out how to google ‘there’s a face coming out of my wall and when it looks at me I see taxidermied mice and smell booze’ and have it link to you. You better start adding some keywords.

    Like

    Kate recently posted Guaranteed Weight Loss. Seriously..

  143. I’m sad about losing the keyword searches. I mean, how else am I supposed to judge my readers?

    Like

    Karen Peterson recently posted Friday I'm in Love.

  144. 145
    Doug in Oakland

    I just read a Sinfest comic that reminded me of you because it is titled “Stabby”…

    http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=4319

    Like

  145. I’m such a narcissist that when I read this title in my sidebar, I thought it said, “I Miss You, Mandy.”

    Like

    Mandy recently posted Writing a Memoir. Getting an Agent. Getting Published. And Telling Your Mom..

  146. I’m always shocked at the amount of folks that are interested in Linus and his blanket. My blog post on my daughter and her blanket gets hits daily from folks in Germany looking for Linus. Hilarious post, made me smile.

    Like

  147. I hope hubs doesn’t mind if my new kitten that I don’t have yet has vampiric tendencies

    Like

    Ragemichelle recently posted I Probably Shouldn’t Google That.

  148. My favorite leading to my site this month: “what is the connection of football and smoking”

    Like

    Daniel J. Hogan recently posted Friday Six: Kaiju Shirt, New Smartphone, World Building, WordPress Lunch ‘n Learn, Church of Comedy, Gym Time.

  149. Booze rifle. I’m strangely intrigued. Is this a thing now and if so, will they carry them at Academy in the hunting department? Will I need a background check? What caliber is vodka? So many questions….

    Like

  150. Are lounge pants the same as sweat pants? In which case yes, this lesbian wears them.
    I also wear pajama bottoms and yoga pants, all of which I lounge in.

    Like

    Kats recently posted Political Thoughts.

  151. Noooo! The searches are the best part! How else would the wetsuit wedgie and bike shorts fetishists find me??

    Like

    TriGirl recently posted Is It Reefer Madness?? No, It's TAPER Madness!!.

  152. I hope you are doing OK. Admittedly, I’m a worrier, but I am thinking of you, and know you are surrounded by good people. Hold tight.

    Like

  153. Yes, I love lounge pants. And I love your work. I totally want to hang out with you in real life some day. You writing helps keep mine a little less harpy sounding.

    Like

    Kimberly Knight recently posted Comment on A lesbian changed through Jesus by Kimberly Knight.

  154. You’re so lucky. I’m still stuck with former soviet-bloc p0rnhunters after half a year of blogging. Mostly Ukrainian. They always leave my site disappointed, I’m sure.

    Like

    MILF Runner recently posted Now that I'm basically FOOD-intolerant....

  155. removing keyword search? that is sad.

    my winter project was going to be to come up with weird search terms and see how many i could get to bring me to your blog, just for kicks.

    NOW what will i do?

    Like

    flask recently posted a day on vinalhaven.

  156. I didn’t realize we were dealing with such an abundance of ostriches.

    Like

    Amber recently posted Do you ever feel like a robot?.

  157. I am still laughing at “Why is my cat so awesome?”

    Like

  158. Do you use WP Stats or Jetpack (which has WP Stats built in)? Those plugins show you search terms, too. Screw Google. They think they own the intarwebz.:/

    Like

  159. Taxidermy also popped up your page

    Like

  160. Very Interesting. I’m like one of the commentators above…. How much alcohol was consumed before they googled

    Like

    Carla recently posted Sewing Month?! And Kinky.........

  161. Oh No! I’ve only just started my blog so that means I’ll never get to the stage where I know!!! Bad Google!

    Like

    Vicki - Origami Girl recently posted Origami Girl's First Giveaway!.

  162. But if google stops the analytics how will there ever be anything better than “how do I make my vagina look bigger in a leotard”? Oh wait: THERE IS NOTHING BETTER THAN THAT SEARCH.

    Like

    Sarah recently posted dream analysis.

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