Conversation I had with a friend who will remain nameless:
Her: Don’t forget to wear orange today for anti-bullying unity day.
me: I work at home. No one sees me but the cats. And those cats don’t give a shit about bullying. In fact, I suspect they’re proponents of it.
Her: You should still wear orange. For the principle.
me: I’m half-Slavic and I look sickly in orange. It’s literally the worst color in the world for me. I’m basically begging people to ask me if I’m ill all day.
her: And by “people” I assume you mean “the cats who don’t give a shit about you“?
me: It sort of feels like you’re bullying me into wearing orange.
her: Well, it’s not considered bullying if you’re doing it for the right reasons. Like, to stop bullying from happening.
me: Right. I’m blogging all of this.
her: Well, don’t include my name. You can’t write something dismissive about bullying on anti-bullying day. You’ll totally get yelled at.
me: So, I’m going to get bullied on anti-bullying day by people who are actively fighting against bullying?
her: Yeah. But if you wear orange you can sort of do whatever you want. It’s like a pass, I think.
me: Or a trap. Because everyone wearing orange is marked as being a non-bully and so now the bullies know how to recognize and target the pacifists. I suspect The National Bullies League started this whole thing.
her: There’s no such thing as The National Bullies League. I don’t think they’re that organized.
me: That’s what they said about the Illuminati. Besides, this wear-a-color thing is a slippery slope. Does it mean I’m now forced to wear colors for other things? Like, if I don’t wear lavender on Tuesdays does it mean I hate babies?
her: You do hate babies.
me: I don’t hate all babies. I liked my baby. Is there maybe a color I can wear to signify that I’m really only concerned about things that revolve specifically around me?
her: I don’t think they make a color for “narcissism.”
me: How about just t-shirt with a picture of my own face on it?
her: You’re going to get a lot of hate mail.
me: But technically that’s good, because if people are going to yell about this ridiculousness then they’re possibly bullies and I’m giving them an easy target so they don’t take out their rage kicking small dogs or throw pointy things at innocent children. If anything, I’m helping to stop bullying. Or at least redirect it.
her: You’re a damn hero. Someone should give you a medal.
me: Oh, I wouldn’t go that far. But I wouldn’t turn one down.
PS. In all seriousness, bullying is shitty and you shouldn’t do it. That being said, almost no one who is real a bully actually realizes it, so I sort of think it would be better if we had a “Maybe-Stop-Being-Such-An-Asshole” Awareness Day, because honestly, if you don’t think you’re occasionally an asshole then you are totally an asshole. That’s basically the whole testing process for assholes. Empathetic people realize that they’re all assholes sometimes and this will help them to be a little more aware, which works for everyone. Assholes who don’t realize they’re assholes will realize they’re assholes after taking the “Are-you-ever-an-asshole? No? Well-then, you’re-an-asshole” diagnostic test and then they can start the process of healing. Assholes who didn’t take the test because they’re assholes and are proud of it should be stabbed in the leg on “Maybe-Don’t-Be-Such-An-Asshole-Day” because that way they’ll still be assholes but we’ll be able to identify them by their limps.
PPS. I think I just encouraged stabbing on “Anti-Bullying Day”, which I’m fairly certain might be considered a little like bullying itself. Which explains why I’m not wearing orange. Full circle, you guys.