Dress your cats up with heroin.

in Random Crap

Part three (of four) of my ongoing “Who-has-the-geekiest-costume” contest currently taking place in my home.

You’ve already seen Hailey and me, but I think it’s important that we include all members of the family, and that includes the cats, because OF-COURSE-IT-DOES-DON’T-QUESTION-ME.

The cats were surprisingly not that into wearing costumes because they hate Halloween and don’t care about my joy.  I considered buying some wine for my cats to loosen them up because apparently that’s a thing now, and I think that you can’t be a complete crazy cat lady unless you’ve gotten to point where you’re sharing your cheap wine with your cats, but then I read that grapes are toxic to cats so I decided to just go the safe route and inject them directly with heroin.  But then I couldn’t find any heroin so we had to do this sober.  This is why the cats look so pissy.  Because I didn’t have enough heroin.  And because they don’t like wearing pants.  WELCOME TO MY WORLD, CATS.

cat halloween

Happy Meowloween, y’all.

185 thoughts on “Dress your cats up with heroin.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. How do you find this stuff?!? It’s awesome. When people ask me that question, I just say The Blogess…but you actually find it! Funny.

  6. They’re going to put aside their differences and join forces to destroy you now. You know that right?

  7. I’m 1000% positive that there’s a clause in the Pet Ownership Handbook that says in order to be a member of the family, pets HAVE to allow you to dress them up. Your job now is to sit down with your kittehs and remind them of their duty as members of the family. What else do we have to live for if we can’t put clothes on our pets?

  8. I love you so much right now. I have a midterm today and have been mildly freaking out. Also, job hunting sucks and so do places that don’t call you back to let you know whether or not you got the job after having had an in-person interview.

  12. Oddly, the orange kitty (cannot remember his name and now I will be demoted to private in the Bloggess Army) looks pretty much at peace with being dressed up. I mean the mustache makes him all cross-eyed, but then again most hipsters with that mustache look like that anyway.

  14. oh dear God…I’m trying so hard not to giggle because my mom’s sleeping in the same room. This is giving me a deja vous of how dressing me up used to be when I was a kid, except I would kick at things when people laughed at me, when I dressed funny, because it was all my mother’s fault?

    She once took me to a perfectly normal non costume party in a kimono. And I’m Indian. We bought it in a crazy shopping spree in Bhutan, and my mother thought we were making good use of it. ~sigh~

  16. I read an article about wine for cats. Its from Japan. No grapes, and it contains catnip.

  20. not a day goes by that i dont wish you were one of my best friends. lol! You should witness some of what i feed my cats (off my spoon to the dismay of my boyfriend), the shit i dress them in, and how much wine is usually involved. i’m tellin’ ya…

  22. I have found kitty heroin to be the juice from the canned chicken from Costco. They run towards you as soon as you get the can opener out of the drawer. They are heartily disappointed if I open the random can of beans though. They circle around disgustedly, like I am purposely holding out on them…

  25. A common refrain in our household in regards to our cat is, “Leaflet hates fun”. It’s probably true of all cats. That said, if you can – in any way – turn a cat into a dinosaur, I think you win in the end.

  27. I love how Hunter looks basically at peace with being forced into a costume. I can only assume that this is because a dinosaur is his spirit animal.

  28. HAHA Oh god. That last one w Ferris. Priceless. You got away with more than I think I would have with my girls. You did get out of this unharmed, I take it?

    Or does that remain to be seen?
    (psst check every shoe before you put it on. Just sayin.)

  31. My Cleo has indicated she’s going to dress up for Halloween as a bird feeder. I totally don’t get that. Cats. Huh.

  32. so, just to clarify… the cat IS a T-rex, or the costume is a cat being EATEN by a T-rex?

  35. I know just how your cats feel, being made to wear something uncomfortable for someone’s amusement. It’s how I felt as a kid when my mother dressed all of us in frickin’ matching outfits all the time instead of letting us embrace our own individuality.

    On the other hand, these pictures made me laugh and feel happy all over, it was like taking heroin (though I’ve never done heroin, so I’m just guessing at that). I can’t wait to see what you put on Victor!

  38. Know what else cats are surprisingly not that into? Nose drops. I need to know what feline pharmaceutical company came up with THAT one. Maybe if I put my cat in a costume it would distract her enough so that I could get the drops in her nose…rather than her eye or the wall or anywhere OTHER than her nose.

  39. I do this too.
    Unless its just a tie, mine hiss and spit and bite until I am rolling on the ground laughing and peeing. Then they fling themselves on the floor pretending not to be able to walk, and howl and growl.

    The dogs don’t seem to mind. Elvis is Elvis usually. Priscilla is a bumblebee and out newest dog Lee Loo has been a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.

  40. Haha!

    You’re cats look pretty calm for you dressing them up–just with those expressions of “what is WRONG with my human?”

    As a cat lady myself I so now want to try this…but then again I know how they react when I shove them in a tiny crate, I nearly lose an arm every time, so I don’t think stuffing them in pants is going to be on my list of things to attempt.

  42. My cat is going as Oscar Wilde. She figures actual costumes are for amateurs and adopting a subtle and insouciant hostility to our bourgeoise family ways will suffice.

  43. PS – The Japanese are now making NA Cat Wine from catnip-hmmmmm heroin may be cheaper

  44. OMG THE COMPETITION IS GETTING TOUGHER I COULD NOT WAIT TO SEE VICTOR’S COSTUME!

    Yes, I used shouty capitals because I AM EXCITED!

    Happy Halloween you guys <3

  45. I wonder if the Great Pyrenees will let me dress him up like a triceratops. He’s an affable fellow. Maybe he needs a tweed cap and ascot…

    The Shepherd wouldn’t…he’s an asshole about hats, and last time I put a t-shirt on him he peed on it.

  50. My cats are name Captain (Morgan), Charlotte (who just gets called Princess), and Roland (after the gunslinger in King’s Dark Tower series). So they get dressed up as a pirate, a princess, and a cowboy, respectively.

    And, to fully participate in the holiday, they leave me “treats” afterwards. Totally worth it.

  51. So wait…did you not have any heroin or not have enough heroin? Because that’s kind of a big difference.

  52. I’d be a little afraid of some of those kitties now. Kitties believe in revenge and their revenge is kinda smelly, and soft.

    As for the dogs, they totally get dressed up. I figure they owe me after a year of chewing up kleenex and my remote controls. Fairs fair doggies!

    The cat though, totally gets treated like the queen of the house. I’m not as brave as you Jenny. Geez, you’re even out numbered!

  55. I’m way more excited about dressing my dog for halloween than myself or any future offspring. November 1st is the only day out of the year that I look forward to waking up early– So I can go to Target and buy all their dog costumes on clearance and have a 100 pound shark or dinosaur waddling around the house with a pained look on her face.

  57. You know, cats have powers.
    You are going to wake up dangling from a tree in your back yard, wearing the neighbor’s dog for a hat.
    Don’t say you weren’t warned.

  58. Do your cats suffer from costume narcolepsy? The minute I put a costume Vladymir he takes one step and drops to the floor on his side, where he stays until you remove it. What a pussy!

  59. Getting cats to take heroine is easy.

    It’s getting them to stop that’s hard.

    I learned that lesson the hard way, after Mr. Whiskers sold my television to buy smack.

  60. I need more heroin for my cat or we’re never going to get through this Halloween.
    Thanks for reminding me to stock up.

  63. i’m just glad i’m not the only one who puts costumes on my cats. because that means i’m sane. yay, sanity by rationalization.

  64. Yes. I soooo needed to laugh until tears today. Thank you for providing that for me. I feel so much better.

  66. It’s probably a good thing that cat costumes were not widely available when I was a kid, or I would have many more scars from cat scratches than I already have. Our cat was an asshole.

  67. I love all of your witty posts and your book is one of my faves!! You brighten my day!

  69. I am not against the dressing of animals in funny costumes, per se, but I am concerned that these appear to be more along the lines of stuffed animal wanna-be’s slowly attempting the strangle the cats. I think we can all agree that there will always be tension between the stuffed and live versions of animals (especially in your house, Jenny, since so many of the former were actually once part of the latter) but this appears to be taking things to a new adversarial extreme. I think mediation or meditation or medication may be in order, or perhaps all three.

  70. You totally just gave me my costume idea! I am going to ATTEMPT to put costumes on my kittyboys, and then after the bloodbath I will endure, I can go out and about as an accident victim because THAT is what I will be anyway…

  74. And THIS is why I make all of my friends read your posts! I believe in sharing the awesomeness!!!

    Also, I need costumes for my cats. And a leather suit to wear while stuffing them into said costumes! And probably a gallon of Neosporin!

  75. With christmas coming soon I may have to invest in festive costumes for my cats. Thank you for making my morning so happy 🙂 God I love cat photos.

  77. Easy way to figure out if it should be “and me” or “and I” is to remove the other person from the sentence. “I am going to the movies” becomes “Monica & I are going to the movies.” “You have seen me in my costume” becomes “You have seen Haley and me in our costumes.” I hope that helps!

  79. These pictures made me laugh. Thanks for that.

    When I was a kid, we had a full-size dachshund that let me dress it up in baby clothes. Anything for attention. Now I have two dogs. Angel would freak out if I tried to dress her. Bogie would look at me with resigned patience.

    Hmm. I may need a costume for a Great Dane.

  80. awesome husband won’t allow me to costume the cats. however, now that my immune system is suppressed, the ensuing scratches that i would be sure to get could be deadly. so i guess awesome husband wins this round.

  82. It might help if you got them drunk on catnip first….then they wouldn’t care what you did to them.

  83. There is not enough catnip, wine or heroin in the world to make any of my cats put up with dressing up in costumes. Your cats are saints, even as they wonder what it wrong with you.

  84. I had bunk beds for my cats would dress them up and they would stay there hours. Wouldn’t walk w clothes on

  85. “How dare the lady put a mustache on me without also equipping me with a top hat and monocle! She has no class!” – Hunter S Tomcat

  86. The best part is that the cats are all so endlessly happy to be in costumes. You can totally tell. Don’t let the hissing and claw scratching fool you! 😉

  89. Pretty sure it’s just the skins that are toxic. Anyway, my great-grandmother used to peel grapes for her dogs, so surely your cats can handle it. Unless cats AREN’T as awesome as dogs (at escaping attempted murder cloaked in love)? Anyway, cats have nine lives, so stop being a sissy and start peeling those grapes.

  92. OMG I so want to dress my cat up now. I thought I’d lost that impulse when I turned seven but apparently it’s still there, lurking in the dark places (where the voices live).

    An exercise in logical thought:
    Cats make blogs awesome.
    My husband says we can’t have more cats.
    Therefore my husband doesn’t want my blog to be awesome. (hater)

    Logic wins every time. I’m off to go cat shopping now.

  95. Damn I’m stressing over what candy to buy. I really CAN’T eat 5 pounds of chocolate like I usually do every fucking year. But I don’t want to buy lame ass candy just so I stay out of it. I don’t want to be the douch-y people giving out stupid candy.

    Maybe I should dress up as the man in the iron mask or something and keep my mouth bound up.

  97. I can kinda see the need for cat wine. Some cats, and people, just aren’t nearly as fun unless they’re drunk.

  98. Jenny,
    You better pray those cats never retain a lawyer….

    That having been said, your mind is a wonderfully twisted and amazing creation. Don’t ever forget that, especially when you feel the dark demon of depression taking over.
    Be well, my friend.

  99. Waaaaait. Do you have three kitties? I only know of Ferris Mewler and Hunter S Tomcat! Who is the all gray one?

  100. …and THIS just totally brightened the crappy day I was having!

    Lesson learned? I need a cat (or three). Obviously.

  102. I’ve always felt cheated by how few cat costumes there are out there but a few years ago I managed to find a festive cat collar that just screamed yuletide joy. My cat spent Christmas morning commando dashing from one hiding spot to another, trying to shake the “jingle bells” that were attached to it. My Mum said it was cruel and threatened to take the cat away from me because she is a Christmas Grinch. This year I’m going to try and find a little Santa hat…

  103. I ADORE dressing my cats up for Halloween… They just don’t adore me for doing it. So, this year will be the first ever “I know one cat will wear a bandanna, but will the other 3 wear them? And, how many scars will I get THIS year while trying to do it?” comedic routine. I am wondering if I should wait till my boyfriend isn’t around to film it…

  106. I couldn’t get a decent picture of my cat when we put a reindeer hat on her one Christmas, because she just hung her head in shame and made us all feel terrible for putting her through it.

  109. yeah I feel like this would have gone over much better with the heroin…. cause that usually makes things better, right? 🙂

  110. Somehow I get the feeling this isn’t the first time these cats have worn costumes… they seem all too comfortable with it!

  111. My cat made himself a costume made out of his own shit today. None of us were very happy with it. I have a strong feeling that heroin would have improved the experience, if only marginally.

  112. 1. I commend you on our versatility in catwear.
    2. I want to know your trick for dressing them. I can’t even get my cat to hold still long enough to wipe boogies from her nose.
    3. THERE’S CAT WINE?! There’s no way I’m letting her be the “classy” one as well as the “fun” one. No. Just no.

  113. We have a princess dress for our favorite cat. She did not particularly enjoy wearing it. We are heartbroken because she disappeared a week ago. I am sure she has been stolen.

  114. They need some kitten mittens. 4 rubber bands and some .99 gloves and they’ll be good to go. Watch them take them for a spin. My dog Roxy loves her ghetto mittens.

  115. When I was a kid I dressed my cat up in doll clothes and a bonnet and stuffed him in my toy stroller. I don’t know how he tolerated it. (Humans never would.) He was a great, patient soul. Thanks for the memories!

  116. Kitty heroin, kitty wine…. next it will be kitty cigarettes and tattos and Animal Planet will run a feline reality series called Cat Cops. When your neighbors recognize your cats in handcuffs being stuffed into the back of a police car at 2am, well, ” because cat wine”.

  117. They have wine for cats?! Mine was sitting beside me as I read that post – probably reading along and getting her hopes up a little. But I haven’t had a drink since February 7, 2007. If I can’t drink, she can’t drink. However, if I were to drink, it might increase her chances of ending up in a Halloween costume so really, she should be grateful for her own sobriety.

  118. I’m pretty sure my cat has heroin running through her veins. What a helpful genetic mutation for her! Either that or she’s just feral.

    I did manage to dress her up like a hipster one though, so maybe that will be her Halloween costume. All the other cats will make fun of her but its ok, cause she’s doing something they probably haven’t heard of.

  120. OK, this one needs a follow-up with the answers. The only ones I got were Octopussy and maybe Meow-stache?

  121. After I put a Santa hat on my dog last year and she looked like she gave up the will to live. It was like I killed her little doggy soul the second the chin strap touched her. I fell bad putting her in costumes. The only ther thing she has worn is thes Christmas PJ’s I bought her they had an equally soul crushing effect on her. They also pissed my dad off. It was a lovely family Christmas.

  123. Hey Jenny.

    I bought your book because I needed a book to put me to sleep, as I am developing an unhealthy case of insommna from menopause. Unfortunately have been up reading your book all night. I am totally fucked for sleep, but the laughing was worth it. Particularly the post-it note chapter. And the cover. Love the mouse. Would totally do that to a mouse or hamster if I had one.

    Thanks a bunch.

    Urs

    ps – I am also a chef and walk around the kitchen alot with a meat cleaver, my go-to knife for most chopchop shit I do . And as soon as my credit card is paid down a bit – I am ordering your “Feeling Stabby” t – shirt to wear to a staff meeting next month, which, btw is on all soul’s day. Perfect.

  124. I thought of you today as I discovered a dead possum behind my shed that actually looked in fairly good condition. So, I did what any girl does, I called my dad to tell him and he asked me if I was sure it was dead. Uh, yeah. No one’s that good an actor.

    In any case, I never considered the stuff-ability of dead critters before I virtually met you.

  125. I keep wanting to dress my dog up as a dragon so I can be Khalessi but she wont cooperate…maybe if I show my dog these pictures she’ll realize how cool it is

  126. I can hardly wait for Victor’s costume, which he did not choose, nor does he know about. Yet.

  127. ohhh man, amazing! Our cat’s just roll over and refuse to move if we try to dress them up. T-rex for the win, those arms!!

  128. Our Golden Retriever LOVES when we dress him up…MOST of the cats do not…although we do have one who only puts up a token protest…we think he really sort of enjoys feeling pretty.

  130. Cats on heroin would be stressful. And doesn’t it cause flashbacks? (Or am I confusing my drugs?) I imagine a peaceful family dinner suddenly interrupted by the fact that the cat is on the neighbor’s roof with a sniper rifle, and it doesn’t have enough lucidity to be talked into coming down.

  132. First of all, any cat with a mustache like that is way too classy to do heroin. That cat needs a martini with two olives, stat.

    Or possibly just a handle of gin and monocle.

    Second of all, WHY IS GIVING CATS WINE A THING NOW?

  134. My cats already have a problem with the ‘nip (as in catnip, not nipples. They don’t have a problem with nipples. That I know of…). And everyone knows that ‘nip (again, not nipples) is the gateway drug, so I’ll have to be extra careful to keep cat heroin away from them.

    You gotta watch out for the ‘nip, it’ll lead to other dangerous things (I may be talking about nipples this time. I’m not sure).

  138. Last year’s pic of Hunter S. Thomcat on Halloween helped cheer me up during superstorm Sandy. I’ve been looking forward to this year’s pics and they did not disappoint!

    Hope Hunter, Ferris and Rolly all got treats.

    Beth

  142. Ooooohhh, I just love Hunter s. Thomcat in the moose-stache. He looks so Edwardian. You should get him a Chesterfield coat. I bet he’d wear that. He just doesn’t like dressing up as other animals. He wants to beez a hooman!

  143. What you need is hair dye for pets. Glow in the dark hair dye. That way they could be as pissy as they want but it Wouldn’t Come Off.

  144. Love the collection of cat pictures. Can you perhaps create a Halloween card in Zazzle please? 🙂

  145. The only time I dressed my cat up was when I turned her into trash. Apparently I was sleep walking, put the cat in a bag and put her in the kitchen trash can, luckily someone was awake in the kitchen and heard her meowing after I walked back to bed, she was quickly saved. She was probably sleeping on my face again, but hey, I will never know why I slept trashed my cat…

  149. I think I could hook you up with some kitty heroin. Or, I mean the scary people that hang out down by the river levee in my town could. I’ll just tell them it’s for the bloggess’s cats and they’ll be all “Oh ok well cool then. We won’t rob you.” And then they’ll give it to me and I’ll send the kitty heroin to you via the U.S. Postal Service. Because neither the Postal Service nor the heroin dealers have been affected by the government shut down. Thank god. Glad we figured this out.

  150. being the alcoholic that I am, I would probably drink all of my cat Zero’s wine before he had any. then I’d get angry about there being no alcoholic in it. and then I’d get upset about drinking all of Zero’s wine. and then we’d just share a bottle of human wine and a can of tuna. XD

  152. So I followed the wine for cats link (because, wine. And cats!). Which led to another link about Benedict Cumberbatch being on the cover of Time magazine in every country but the US. We got Texas. Which I would gripe bitterly about, but won’t because it’s the land of your birth and that of several other people I like.

  153. Apropos of nothing in this post and simply because today is the day I randomly decided to say something instead of just reading your work, laughing my ass off and moving on….

    I first read your book when my roommate in a mental ward lent it to me. Yeah, but seriously. One of those pamper-y rehab cum residential hospital places. Just so you know, we passed that book around, and all of these sad, disordered, and many hurt girls just about kicked it laughing. You learn a lot in therapy and so on and on and on, but when you leave and you’re in the real world and trying to do the best you can… things like “that one book that made me laugh until I was in danger of asphyxiation and also, that encouraged me to just be me, like Mr. Rogers with ADD (awesomely distracted disorder)”- those are the things you remember.

    We need more people dedicated to the outlandish proposition that life is really about joy.

    So hey, cheers. Keep on doing what you do.

  154. Wine for cats, eh? Can’t keep them away from my beer. Seriously. Can’t enjoy a freakin’ beer at night without the two hooligans trying to pull the can / bottle out of my hand (and now know that un-fermented hopps are used in some cat toys).

  156. Haha I love it! But my cat would never let me put her in a costume. She just doesn’t understand how much cuter she would be as a dinosaur!

  158. Oh my God! LMFAO! I haven’t really followed a blog until my brother told me about Beyonce. Knock knock mother fucker! Too funny! All of it! And I have to agree….cats don’t like being injected with heroin!

  159. I don’t have enough dino-cats in my life. Now, off to order some dino-gear for my own cat. It’ll go great with his bow tie and disapproving scowls.

  160. You know, I started to worry about the phrase “I didn’t have enough heroin,” but of course I have to recognize that catnip just induces feline-mania.

    I’m crazy to want it, but I would love to bring a puma into my math class. Just so I can ask them if they’ve done their work this week. Hmmm…. perhaps I shouldn’t be allowed access to large predators.

  161. I initially read the title in such a way that I imagined you were suggesting putting heroin *on* the cats. Like trimming a furry Christmas tree that can growl at you with powdery drugs.

  162. They’re totally going to mount a counteroffensive with some sort of hideous costume in the middle of the night, you know. THIS MEANS WAR, HUMAN.

  163. We did “The (Cat) Nightmare Before Christmas” and trotted Mimi (a Lynx Point Siamese who is TOO DIGNIFIED FOR THIS, HUMAN) around in a little santa suit. We thought it might go well, because she loves being swaddled in blankets, but apparently she can tell the difference. Who knew?

  166. Ok, this has nothing to do with cats or halloween except that it opened all by itself on my computer, which was seriously freaky. But when I saw these pictures of world’s most horrific baby shower cakes, i thought you either already knew about them and loved them or you would, as soon as you saw them. http://www.mommyish.com/2013/10/14/vagina-cakes/

  167. My coworkers are always telling me i should dress my cats up in this or that, but I keep insisting that I like my cats and don’t want to subject them to that sort of indignity. But I guess some cats really don’t mind, just Google roomba cat in a shark costume. Now there’s a super chill cat.

  168. I am so with you on dressing cats up for Halloween! Of course, I want a Sphinx (hairless) cat basically so I can dress it in cute sweaters to keep warm, but my husband refuses. Eventually I’ll wear him down.
    Oh and someone needs to get on this: dalek costumes for cats. Because that’d be so epic. Off the charts epic. “Exterminate” is what our cats are silently screaming at us half the time anyways, so this would make their furry lives complete.

  169. There is absolutely no point in being higher on the food chain if you don’t screw with the underlings every so often. Besides, cats are convinced that they rule the world so it’s imperative to pummel their egos through silly costumes on occasion. Maintains balance. Carry on.

  175. “Happy Meowloween” sold this post to me. Your too good Jenny. Stop it. Don’t stop it though. It’s important to get your cats involved in special occasions, it builds character and purrformance.

    That took me 15 minutes to come up with, go die Brigitte. Now I’m seriously impressed with Meowloween. 😉

  177. Oh man, this is especially hilaious to me because one of my best friends dressses her two cats up for every holiday. She even takes them to mall at Christmas every year to get their picture taken with Santa. Santa loves this. I think your cats might be related to hers because they definitely have the same expression on their faces when they are dressed up.

  178. You have no idea how much I wish we could post pictures in the comments because I have awesome one’s of our cats wearing witches hats. Which they hated. In fact I think they hated them more than your cats did probably because this was only their second time. Last Christmas I tired to put them in dresses and take a Christmas picture but I didn’t because I didn’t want people to think Christmas at our house = bloody claws of death.

    Anyway the hats that the cats refused to wear fit second youngest grandson just fine. And he doesn’t have claws. So there’s that.

  180. when the cat was running around in the octopus suit did you yell out “RELEASE THE KRAKKEN!!!” ? because I don’t think I’d be able to contain myself.

  181. The bottom right pic makes me think the caption could be, “I mustache you a question…WTF are you doing?!?

    Sorry if that sounds catty.

  182. HA! Its good to know you love your kitties. We made Spiffy a bumble bee one year. Lucky she didn’t kill us in our sleep. It was perfect on her. She is a tuxedo. She also answers to George. Even tho her name is Spiffy T Sneakers.

  183. Oh man. My cat was less than enthused when I put a costume on him last night. It was hilarious for me. Potentially traumatic for him.

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