It’s beginning to look a lot like I’ll be stabbing people accidentally.

in Random Crap, weekly reruns

Conversation between me and Victor:

me: Hey!  I found what I want for Christmas.

 Victor:  Um…no.  You can’t have a knife for Christmas.

me: It’s not just a knife.  It’s a knife with a flashlight it in.

Victor: Why would you even want that?

me:  So I can see where I’m stabbing, obviously.

Victor: Right.  And that would be reason number 800 why you can’t have a knife for Christmas.

me: Look at it this way…during the zombie acopolypse we’ll all be walking around with flashlights.  But mine will have a knife on it.  For stabbing.  That’s like the best zombie-fighting flashlight ever.

Victor: Jenny, you can’t just rationalize everything based on the zombie apocalypse.

me: Uggh.  You always say that.  You’ll feel really bad when I can’t see what I’m stabbing later.

Victor:  And this is why I don’t like Christmas.

me:  I know.  Sorry.  Zombies ruin everything.

**********************

And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means its time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you  by the lovely people at YummyYummyTummy, an educational game developer on a mission to trick kids into learning.  In their latest, Nommons: Math Universe, players will fly a spaceship to go for an adventure in various worlds, but when it crashes, they need to patch it up by solving math questions to continue their journey. Check out the details here.

 

140 thoughts on “It’s beginning to look a lot like I’ll be stabbing people accidentally.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Jenny-
    Your mind works in mysterious yet awesome ways! I hope you get your zombie sticker with the built-in flashlight for Christmas. All accessories have to do double duty to take up room in my abode and this would meet criteria…
    Happy Sunday
    Donna K

  4. I didn’t see this one. I bought a knife you can attach to your gun to turn it into a bayonet for the zombies for my friends Christmas gift. Its the Laserlyte Zombie Pistol Bayonet.

  6. Oh man. I already got everyone socks this year, but I know what everybody’s getting next year. It will be perfect. For two years running it’s been socks. No one will be expecting flashlight knives! In all seriousness, I can think of 3 different people in my life who unironically would really enjoy this. Bookmarked.

  8. It would be much easier if your bought yourself a little flashlight and stuck it on the end of your dinner knife. Well, just a thought I thought you might like. I’m sure Victor will agree 🙂 Seasonal greetings.

  9. Thanks for sharing Brene’s short. Love her Texan take on life. She gets to the deep feelings without icky sweetness.

  10. My husband said no to the throwing knives on my list. The husbands are hamstringing is.

  13. Its amazing how you place an amazing woman as Mother Theresa of Calcutta on a blogsite with soo many F-bombs and 4 letter words. Apparently there isn’t any respect or honor for Mother Theresa. If you aren’t Catholic its an insult and biggotrous and if you are Catholic then you are a CINO (Catholic in name Only). You should consider another catchy motto for your blog than to disrespect a Great Woman as Mother Theresa. Read more about her and you’ll see. http://www.catholic.org/clife/teresa/

  14. Jenny, you should try flea markets for good zombie killing knives. There is ALWAYS a knife guy or lady there willing to sell you one. There are even hatchet people. Those always come in handy.

  16. This would’ve been the perfect gift for my brother. He collected scary stuff. but as far as I know, only fantasized. Kinda like you?

  17. You should get a set to use as steak knives. Then you can eat Christmas Dinner with the lights turned down and enjoy your tree lights better. The rest of the winter you could eat dinner in the dark, which would save energy. Also, the whole family would be prepared for zombies. Victor can’t possibly argue with that kind of practicality.

  22. I saw this and immediately started thinking of how many of my friends would actually want one of these and then I realized how strange my life really is…

  24. Victor needs to get over it. It’s not like you can’t stab things NOW. I mean, you have knives.
    This just allows you to stab things in the DARK.
    Makes perfect sense.

  26. When the zombies attack we’ll be all wishing we’d bought the knife with the flashlight! …well…some of us will be wishing we’d worn pants before fleeing the house, the rest of us will be wanting the knife.

  28. Thank you, my Bloggess, for taking the work out of my Christmas shopping this year. Every year its the same old thing: the wife keeps asking for Damon or Stefan Salvatore. At least now she can open a real kick-ass gift that will hopefully reduce some of the sting of rejection she’ll be experiencing – again.

    I don’t know why Victor has to be a buzz-kill. What’s he planning on doing when the zombie apocalypse inevitably breaks out, fight off the hordes with a stuffed animal carcass?

    And by the way, zombies make everything better. Think of all those times you wish you could bash someone’s head in, but couldn’t for fear of reprisals from the authorities. In a zombie apocalypse all bets are off. You can live as you should: free of consequences.
    Zombie rule.

  30. My husband said exactly the same thing when I showed him the picture of the knife now! He’s found his tribe.

  33. I think a knife with a flashlight built right in is NECESSARY, especially with the upcoming zombie apocalypse! How does Victor not see this?!?!

  34. Great for when you’re feeling especially stabby. (that’s pretty much every day this busy time of year!)

  37. Just checked out your wares, Jenny, and I have to say, I’m impressed!
    By the way, by “wares”, I mean “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine”, not your booty. Not that your booty isn’t worth checking out, I’m sure its a perfectly fine booty. A booty for the ages, in fact. A booty to write songs about.
    I’m going to stop typing now…

  38. My son would want this for Christmas, too, if he knew about it. Wait, he probably does, as he showed me the entire Zombie Apocalypse tool kit on his Amazon Wish List. Sigh….

  43. My mom has a knife collection, like you have a collection of dead dressed-up animals. She’s pretty proud of it too. I’m pretty sure that she would trade me for a light up knife. She can never know this is a thing.

  44. Do zombies actually die or anything when you stab them? Because they’re like already dead, right? I mean it might be an exercise in futility to try to stab a zombie.

  48. Angel the Alien has a point. In most zombie movies you have to blow their heads off to kill them don’t you? Double tap and all that sort of thing…

  49. Anyone who wants to survive the zombie apocalypse should have a knife with a flashlight on it. And a gun. And lots of food. And a house that looks like a giant stack of wood I saw on Pinterest the other day. Did you pin that? I can’t remember, but it was awesome. 🙂

  50. Oh, you so can rationalize everything based on the zombie apocalypse! Took me a lifetime of begging, but my husband got me a samurai sword for my birthday last year. And we both agree that, while impractical in our current world, it could come in very handy…

  51. Wow this could have so many uses…like if somebody breaks into your house you need a knife and a light. So perfect.

  52. Your convos with Victor mirror my old ones with my ex. Current hubby just looks at me funny when I start and goes “HUH?” Makes me laugh harder. One day I’ll probably find Mister Perfect…although, he’ll probably be the dude who changes my bedpan on my dying day. Romance. Gotta love it!

  53. Apparently you’ve been coveting that knife for a while now – Amazon says they can do two day shipping and you will receive it in August. Either that or Amazon doesn’t know math. 😛

  57. Would this be a good gift for my kids? I mean, they need to be able to defend themselves in the zombie apocalypse too. Hate to see them be unarmed and unable to see in the dark.

  58. Two things: I love how I always forget to plug in headphones before I click on your links, and then almost immediately regret not having done that. Also, isn’t that spaceship-math game just math blasters but 20 years later? Pretty sure I played a game like that when I was 7. You had to shoot little aliens with numbers on their tummies to get the right ones to fall into a chute.

  59. They are so very high. HIGHlarious! Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. So, get the knife. you can use it to cook in the dark when the power goes out.

  60. I am so jealous that you can can call Brene “my friend”. From the very first time I saw her speak (sounds weird, I know) I just wanted to have her be my friend. I could so hang with a woman like that! And the same with you! No bullshit; no masks….Anyway. I am happy that you two are friends. I am your friend over here, you just don’t know it yet.

  61. You might be right about needing knife with a flashlight. The longer this congress sits, the more they are morphing into Zombies getting ready for the apocalypse. Remind Victor that you love him and that you are only preparing to protect him from zombie congressclowns gone wild. Then he’s sure to listen.

  62. I want a flame thrower so I can melt all this ridiculous snow. My husband (spoilsport that he is) thinks this is a bad idea and refuses to get one for me.

  63. I feel your pain. My husband is totally against me getting a blowtorch OR a crossbow, both of which would be incredibly handy during the zombie apocalypse. They are going to wish we were armed one day, I just know it.

  64. He will think differently when the zombie apocalypse happens.
    I have my zombie headhunter but sadly, there’s no flashlight.

  65. You have great taste in knives! Who wouldn’t want that knife for Christmas. Victor totally should get that for you!

  66. A lesser discussed use for this knife: holidays that have taken a turn for the worse. Let me paint you a picture.

    You are sitting around the dinner table with your family ready for the grand Christmas Day feast when, out of nowhere the electric carving knife stops working altogether. With you now unable to comprehend this situation, your significant other reaches for a knife from the lovely stainless steel Chicago Cutlery set you were gifted earlier that day. Sadly, when he brings the knife close enough to the bird to begin dissection, the blade, affected by the high heat radiating from the roasted fowl, gives because of faulty handle-glue. Thus, due to knife malfunction, the blade spins around and slices his arm directly in the brachial artery. Shocked by the dramatic amount of blood, several family members clock out and hit their plates, and your significant other goes running from the room in a panic to grab a hand towel to stop the bleeding. On his way, he trips over the cord of the non-functioning electric carver causing a massive power surge and knocking the power out for at least twenty city blocks. Now here you stand, with half your guests and your significant other unconscious and unable to communicate, a pool of blood forming on the new linoleum flooring, an uncarved steaming bird in front of you, in the complete darkness of night.

    Undaunted you reach down to your boot, pull your new knife from its fine leather sheath, flip on the light, and say to the remaining crowd, “Let’s carve this bitch up!”

  67. Seriously, knives are perfect christmas gifts! So are swords, metal fans, sais, a naginata… Um… if you have a problems, I think we’re in the boat. That and my family, who buys me these things for present. Case in point, my wedding gift from my uncle was my first katana. I also got another sword last year for christmas.

  71. The satin finish just makes it. The most elegant zombie-stabbing knife I’ve seen.

  72. I don’t know why Victor is complaining, you’re so easy to shop for, you even provide the links to what you want.

  76. Actually it’s help in event of a zombie apocalypse would be the reason it would make a perfect gift for my bf – he always wants sharp pointy objects as presents – maybe I should get one of those Madonna cone bras for a valentines spice up – hmmm, never thought of that before

  77. Easier to see when you stab Yourself in the eye, as in: “I’d rather stab myself in the eye before rather than listen to White Christmas again

  78. I tried not to, but I just can’t help it.

    @Carlos, I don’t think you know what a bigot is. *And* I’m pretty sure biggotrous isn’t a word.

    Also, while you’re looking things up, perhaps you could Google “satire” or “humor.”

    Just a thought.

  80. Um, hello–satin finish. Victor clearly does not understand the importance of being fashionably practical.

  82. By all means, get the knife as it will come in super handy when you are feeling stabby — but it would put you in dangerously close quarters if used as a zombie killing implement. You want something that would allow you to keep your distance while dispatching the undead — a spear with an attached floodlight, for example. Remember, safety first!

  83. I didn’t know it was possible, but I love Jason Segel even more now. Also, DUDE! That knife is a bitchin’ switchblade! YEaH!
    And, also? Can’t wait to see what Carlos says tomorrow.

  84. @TexasTrailerParkTrash – I too was wondering about the 1 Used knife available. I wonder if there’s a story there.

  85. I actually think you can rationalize everything with the zombie apocalypse. Also, I feel like you are just doing research for me. (I write zombies.) So continue the rationalizing! Win!

  88. OK, so, this is the perfect tertiary weapon. The ZA IS the justification for almost everything, and I think you should get stabby at the Yuletide.

  93. @Angel, I know, right? Given the choice of slashing/bludgeoning/piercing weapons, zombies really aren’t that vulnerable to piercing. Now an AXE with an LED mounted in the head is what you really want.
    @Carlos, Jenny’s doing pretty well. She isn’t actively campaigning to stop condom use, for example, and she doesn’t try to ensure that the dying have no anesthesia so as to maximize their suffering. In short, Mother Teresa herself was, well, no Mother Teresa.
    Yes. It’s my unhappy destiny to be THAT GUY.

  94. Oh my god…I just watched the rudd/segal video as a way to avoid getting ready for work. And I laughed until I cried.

    I can’t take off my hat, Gideon will get out!

    Pretty sure they were stoned.

  96. this just makes sense for many things. but re: zombie apocalypse…. wouldn’t you want a MUCH longer blade? i don’t want to be that close to a zombie.

    however, i’ll die in the first wave. i’m not a runner. or a fighter. and it sounds like no fun at all.

  98. I used to have a knife much like this, except it was a key chain. No good for zombies, but boy could I get my front door open!

  99. I just want to make sure your reasoning is tactically sound, from a zombie killing standpoint. You’ve got to destroy the brain to stop a zombie. That’s the whole head shot, decapitation route. This is a lovely knife with many practical applications, but you shouldn’t use it as your primary zombie stopping method. However, if you can get the zombies down on the ground (by blowing out their kneecaps or whatever means of locomotion), this would be excellent for delivering a coup de grace to the brain stem, and you most certainly would want a flashlight for that.

    I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the zombie apocalypse. <–lies and damn lies

  103. I got my husband a hand-crank radio/flashlight for Christmas. We have agreed that in the zombie apocalypse I would be completely useless; therefore, I figured he would need all the tools he could get his hands on to protect our children and me. [It also could be useful in other emergencies.] LL Bean must’ve thought I was loony when I reference zombies on my card.

  105. Wow, that’s almost *exactly* the same conversation F and I have when I say I want… well, pretty much *anything* that would be handy during the zombie apocalypse. (I’m adding your knifelight to my Christmas list, btw.)

  106. “you can’t just rationalize everything based on the zombie apocalypse.”

    It’s telling that my first thought was, “Really? Why not?” Victor is perplexing at times.

    Also, @Carlos, you really need to lighten up. I’m confident Mother Teresa (who was an amazing woman, but not perfect) would agree.

  108. Good day,

    I must say I love the bloggess calendar idea. It’s fab, but I am disappointed in the execution of it. Here is the perfect time for you to re-name the “number that should not be named” on the calendar. I was really hoping that each month would have a “12” followes by a “12.5” and then “14”. Alternatively, why not replace the number altogether with a picture of Beyoncé ???

    Also, a flashlight knife is *not* a boot took for the zombie apocalypse. It requires you to get much too close to the zombies. Perhaps it you used duct tape to put it onto the end of a spear… But seriously, think about how close you’d need to be to use it. Your hands would get all icky with zombie goo… No amount of hand sanitizer would work on that…

  109. I feel like this is perfectly practical, not just for zombies, but for everyday use. What if you get a mysterious package in the mail, and need to open it right away, but the power is out? No problem, you’ve got a light on your box opener. Who can argue with that?

  110. It does seem like putting a flashlight on anything makes it a little bit better.

    For the record, the zombie apocolypse does ruin everything. That’s why it is called an apocolypse.

    With that little baby, at least you could see stuff better.

    Also, for what it’s worth, the one time I played with a switch blade I play-jabbed a case of Diet Pepsi, pierced a can and created a Diet Pepsi spray all over the place. It wouldn’t have been so bad except it was a work and I was at the cash register. This could be one of the many reasons Tower Records is no more.

  111. i bought this for my dad last year and i ‘won’ christmas. jealousy from my brothers. this year, i haven’t seen anything as awesome.

  112. I don’t mean to brag, but my husband would totally let me have one of those. Or two… so that I could wildly stab zombies with each hand in a Kermit Flail sort of action.

  114. Tell him it’s a PERFECT GIFT, and not just for stabbing in the dark. There are plenty of people who also skin things in the dark, in and out of hunting season.

    We had someone last summer possibly dress out a WHOLE ELK in the woods across the road from our front porch. By flashlight. Just THINK how handy THIS would have been for them!

    … I say they were hunters with hope, because the alternatives were too scary.

  115. I imagine this makes hot-wiring a car easier, too. Unless one is the seasoned pro variety that doesn’t need to even look to see what they’re doing.

  116. (I’m sorry, I have no idea how to hot-wire a car, or if there’s even potentially a knife involved. It made sense at the time I said it, 90 seconds ago.)

  117. Sure, fine, blame it on the zombies. Blame EVERYthing on the zombies, which don’t actually exist. All the more reason to blame them, I guess.

    I gave my wife a pair of scissors with frickin’ lazer beams and she never uses them. Just guessing you’d be the same with this flashlight-stiletto. Again, just guessin’.

    Gotta admit though, the light does make it festive. Kinda. Sorta.

  119. i have a Daryl crossbow, bivouac skills, and alot of flashlights…if the apocalypse comes i promise ill drive down and fight off the zombies with you…really

  120. Omg…thanks for sharing that video clip…now I’m more in love than ever with Jason Segel (in spite of his fixation on the Muppets).

    And I don’t know about you, but I’d be duct tapin’ that fancy knife to a mop handle or something, cause no way I’m getting that close to the actual zombies!

  121. Seems to me it’s a Scout motto to always be prepared, right? I see NOTHING wrong with being prepared for feeling stabby (and the zombie apocalypse).

  125. but it’s available to be gift wrapped!!
    There’s no beating small touches like that, especially after the start of the zombie outbreak.

  127. Hmm… The description doesn’t say whether the handle is staghorn or the cheaper manticore horn. Find out before you buy or you might end up accidentally stabbing yourself in the chest!

  128. Due to an undercaffeinated state and a serious brainfart, I googled “That junk you buy to remember a place is called what?” and Google brought me here.
    I don’t know what it means, but I know it makes me happy.

  129. I know Zazzle groups reviews, but I loved that the first review under the “Don’t Worry” mug said “Very sweet gift for Mom!” 🙂

  131. What’s the possibility that you’ll read the 400th comment? Probably not good at all – but I love all things sharp and zombie -like. If you added in thorough nose picking, ninjas, and not being able to take your hands off your weiner, you’d have my 10 years old.

    That knife would come in handy during dinner. Then I could stab my Ex in the head with something proper, instead of a blunt spoon.

    This blog of yours? A-mazing. But you already know that. Just showing some love, sister. I’m so green I don’t even know why everyone is sending you their URLs – so you’ll read? Repost? Post pictures of what 8 pounds of cocaine looks like in the comment section? I’ll figure it out, I went to high school.

  132. I can’t stop wondering what exactly led you to that particular blade. Were you just innocently googling “knife” and up popped ‘knife with flashlight’ in the suggestions?

  133. BTW Victor is totally wrong. You CAN rationalize everything based on the zombie apocalypse. It’s the only sane way to have a plan.

  137. I can’t believe he doesn’t see how lucky he is to have someone who will protect him from zombies. How many of us can say that? 🙂 Not many. Far too few.

  139. I feel your pain. My husband denied me both throwing knives and a butterfly knife for christmas. 🙁

  140. So…um…my boyfriend is kind of like a mad scientist. But he only uses his evil powers for good. At one point, after much discussion about why I shouldn’t be allowed one, he finally agreed to build me a hypnolight. So then you posted this. And now I need a hypnoknife. Which he says is WAY easier to build than a regular hypnolight. So yay me!

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