Too many questions.

in Random crap

This was on my Facebook wall.  It makes me smile.  It also makes me question a lot of things:

Mostly things like, why does the story of my life show up fifth in the “giant dildo” column? And what’s a “dildo bat”? And why is there a market for “used dildos”?

You know what?  Never mind.

Some questions just shouldn’t be answered.

136 thoughts on “Too many questions.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. What does one one do with an 18 inch dildo? Club intruders to death with it? Use it as a curtain rod? Paper weight? Because I don’t want to live in a world where people use that for it’s intended purpose.

  3. Hilarious– and Holly Folly’s response made me giggle enough to hurt the sore abs I will have until I get over my New Year’s resolutions next week.

  9. Giant dildo bat…why it’s for dickball of course. See, because it’s like stickball but with a giant dick. Oh, nevermind.

  11. And this is why I do not facebook. I can just come here when I feel the urge to laugh! Thank you Jenny for sharing. Also, I may have grown tired of the dildo I may or may not own. For Sale.

  12. Our words are like our children…we send them into the world and they go where they will, and end up in the used-dildo market. Goddamn, that’s poetic.

  14. Well, they’re dishwasher safe, anyway. Aren’t they? I seem to see people mentioning that. Which weirds me out. Do you then put it in just like, with the dishes? Or do you do a separate dildo run once a week or whatever?

  15. I’m so impressed! I have the most boring searches. Maybe my New Year’s resolution should be about conducting more interesting searches.

  18. I’m now consumed with the desire to own a baseball bat that is shaped like a giant penis.

    If such a thing does not exist, it should, it must. My world requires it.

  20. I love that Judy had the balls (pun intended) to just screen shot the fact that she already had something in the shopping cart and was still browsing.

  25. It’s a snowday here in New England. Grump (that’s me) went to your page for some relief and burst out laughing.
    IMMEDIATELY my 7yo came gallumphing in crowing “Whatcha laughing at Mom?!”
    I think I got it shut in time…. and I got inventive about work frustrations.
    Oh I needed that.

  26. MaryHA – How do you gallumph? 🙂 Jenny……… I swear the Universe loves you sometimes more than we do.

  27. … FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT IS A DILDO BAT… AND WHY IS ASH PLAYING IT… AND CAN I PLAY TOO!?!?!?… in the non lesbian way… thanks.

  30. Dildos are traumatic. Someday, my life story will also mention dildos, and how once upon a time I helped my mom move her bed. TRAUMATIC. This post made me laugh out loud while in the fetal position. So full of conflict….

  31. Good gravy! Who in their right mind would even contemplate buying a used dildo????? The thought is positively frightening/revolting/ unfathomable….but not necessarily in that order.

    On the other hand (and good grief, I hope it’s enrobed in a latex glove of some kind) this is extreme exposure for the book. Think of it! A whole new degenerative audience! It’s perfect placement!

    Congrats!

  32. Dammit, Jen! I just spit coffee all over my sweater and keyboard! I can’t stop visualizing a separate dildo cycle in the dishwasher.

  33. My vagina just closed up shop because of the words “used dildo”. I will buy another person’s shoes, but I draw the line at dildos. I think this is an important distinction.

  35. I knew a guy who did shoots in his, and his wife’s condo. He was confused when his wife was mad at him for washing all of the dildo’s and other toys in the dishwasher (which is how you need to wash such things…in case you were curious). She wasn’t mad that that’s where he washed them…she was mad because he unloaded the dishwasher to do it. She could NEVER get him to unload and load the dishwasher with their dishes after dinner. I then explained to him that that was why she was mad and he should do the dishes at least once a week to make some peace in the house.

  37. Note that you are the only one with stars so it should give you comfort that your book is still the preferred choice amongst that list.

  40. I don’t know why someone would waste all of that clean dishwasher water for that. Someone told me they make a spray cleaner. It leaves less of a carbon footprint.

  41. I think it’s awesome that your fans are just as crazy as you are, Jenny. And you have to think of some merchandise that uses the phrase “Dildo Bat” – I can’t really see it on a t-shirt, but maybe a coffee mug? 🙂

  42. It occurs to me that my first offensive act of the new year shall be to purchase one of the advertised 18″ black dildos, affix a pistol grip and front sight to it, then send it to Wayne LaPierre c/o NRA. It may be a game-changer.

  44. All of that is bad. I can’t deny that. But my boyfriend was playing a zombie game called Dead Rising 3… and he was beating the shit out of zombies with a “female massager”. Then later on in the game, he found blueprints for a weapon to make a gun to shoot those “lady massagers” at the zombies.

  45. I still don’t get the market for used dildos in porous materials, but if the toy’s made of silicone, glass, stainless steel, or wood, you can disinfect it. Lots of us sex toy reviewers trade or sell review items we don’t use, which I think is most of the used toy market. But there’s also a market for men who are turned on by the idea of owning some random woman’s used dildo.

    Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to, woman! Lol.

  49. Ash as in “Fantastic Mr. Fox” and Hot Box and Kristofferson wanting to play. I’d probably have just done a search for a rugby bat, but you know what? The results would not have been as colorful.

    Also, “Fantastic Mr. Fox” is a really great movie.

  51. Things you may find in Batman’s utility belt… he has something for every situation.

  54. Is it weird that I read ‘giant dildo bat’ as in the flying, insect eating animal? I can’t even begin to imagine what that would be, so I was slightly disappointed when I saw the pictures.

  55. @Rayne Wood is porous, I’d not use a used one, even if it’s been stained and shellacked.

    That being said, the 18″ giant dildo is a double dildo. That’s 7″ per girl (or hole if you’re a single user) plus 4″ for handling room. Because… You know, if it doesn’t move, what’s the point?

  57. Yes, indeed, what the fuckity fuck is a dildo bat? And how does “you know, like “hey Ash, watcha playin” in any way clear things up?

  59. “with balls” as opposed to having to buy them separately?

    I don’t think anyone should get used, I would keep shopping for ‘certified pre-owned.’

  63. I think I’m the only one who was picturing a dildo bat in reference to the winged, nocturnal creature. That’s way weirder than a baseball bat. Anyway……

  64. I’m as frugal as the next girl, but I’m thinking dildo shopping is not the time to go all reduce, reuse, recycle. Pony up for the unused rubber cock, and maybe clip coupons or something to make ends meet?

  66. So the 11 incher and the 18 incher start at the very same price of $39.99 making your book is the cheapest thing on this page. What size is your book?

  70. For those of you wondering, yes, there is a giant dildo bat.. from “Hey Ash, Wacha Playing?” on youtube.

  75. Chris from comment #73

    I’m not sure if I need to see that episode, to get the context, or I really need to avoid that episode b/c once you see it you can never unsee it. Lol

  76. Aw, Chris beat me to it. For those who are scared to click on the youtube link, don’t worry – the giant dildo bat is not used in the way a dildo would normally be used. It’s being used more like a pool noodle, in a symbol of how America acts.

  77. Oh.MY. GOD.

    My head is spinning. I have to reread your book for the 10th time. Were there dildos? I remember vaginas.

    And used dildos!! Holy shit, that is taking frugality too fucking far. Way, way too far.

  78. Is it even legal to sell used dildoes? There has to be some kind of government agency that regulates that, though I’m having a hard time coming up with which one it would be.

  79. Cable television couldn’t spark a bigger interest in your book than that post. Sex sells. Run with it. To first base. Don’t forget to throw your dildo bat to the side.

  80. Wow. Just wow. I’m speechless, and that doesn’t happen often. Maybe the poor college kids can’t afford new dildos, so they get them used. I wonder if you can put them in the dishwasher on sanitize.

    Dildo bats? Well, you are hitting balls with them.

    I need more coffee.

  81. So people are skeeved by used dildos but not so much by a living penis that’s been used elsewhere? As Rayne said, the dildos can be sanitized between uses. The real cock…not so effectively. I’d venture to guess fewer STDs have come from the use of used dildos than living penises. Percentage-wise.

  85. Most of can’t compete with a GIANT dildo, but you’re RIGHT there swinging with the big guys. For the record, I personally think your book should rate higher than the white dildo… although, the black one with balls is a whooole different ball game.

    Also, I think you should put this on your professional resume because it’s very freaking impressive.

  86. This just leaves me with sooo many more questions. One being, does Good Will sell used dildos? I mean if I was getting rid of a used dildo, I’m thinking I would donate it for the less fortunate before selling it on Amazon. After all they do sell used underwear. And with that question, will the Salvation Army accept them for the homeless? And can I deduct that as a charitable donation on my income taxes?

    You people are Fucking Hilarious!

  87. From an online review of the giant dildo bat:
    The testicles feature hand-crafted creases to create that “just-like-real-sac” feeling that consumers have come to demand over the years, with a central groove to neatly define each individual bollock. These medically accurate representations of authentic gonads will delight even the most discerning of fans, making this a perfect gift for those who believe that the devil is in the details. The elegant detailing continues up through the device’s premium shaft, featuring a prominent central vein that many fans will recognize from seeing pictures of actual penises in their day-to-day lives. The entire package is complimented by a sleek and aerodynamic glans situated at the distal end of the corpora cavernosa. While it is unfortunate that a complimentary meatus has been excluded from the final product, the Dildo Bat nonetheless features a beautifully designed crown, shaped to please and providing a significant amount of heft in the finished article, so you can really hit those home runs!

  88. I understand (i.e. I read on the interwebz somewhere) that there is a market for women’s used underwear, in Japan. Apparently, one person’s “yuck” is another’s “yum”.

    And if Rule 34 applies to the internet, it surely applies to the real world. I can imagine a market for used celebrity “artifacts”. Not one I’m interested in, but there are all kinds of people. I wonder how one would certify provenance. Photographs? DNA?

  91. You should probably see it as a good thing that you didn’t come up as #1. You wouldn’t want to be the first thing that people think about when they think of giant dildos 🙂

    Used? Eeewwww…….

  95. Would I buy a used dildo to save money and sanitize it?
    Absolutely!

    Would I tell my wife she wasn’t the maiden voyage?
    Absolutely not!

  96. My mind is way too fast in explaining things to myself. I read it and immediately figured the reference to “Ash” was to the fact that most baseball bats are made of Ash (wood).

    Meanwhile, you people are killing me laughter in the Comments here!! I needed it after today. A Giant Used Dildo Bat may be just what I need to send anonymously to an obnoxious Client. But only if it hasn’t been run through the dishwasher first.

  97. You already did this dildo and your book thing. I commented on it to back them. I don’t get it, why again? Just saying as I’m bored at work and I wanted more 🙁

  98. @MyMansBelly #35…

    How stupid can that wife be? He does WHAT SHE WANTS, namely, unloads the dishwasher, and her response is… to get angry. If you spank a puppy when it shits on the floor AND when it uses the paper, it will eventually give up and shit anywhere and everywhere, because it knows it can’t win.

    If she had the brains God gave the common dog, she’d have said, “You know, honey, I think we need to wash those toys more often, say, twice a week from now on.” And he’d have dutifully unloaded it every time.

  100. I really would like to see the “customers who purchased used dildos also bought…” section. No, wait, maybe I wouldn’t.

  103. As gross as I find the idea of selling/ purchasing used dildoes, I am much more disturbed by the idea of a landfill filled with used dildoes. Plus, if I were disposing of such a thing, I’d have to sneak it into someone else’s recycling bin.

  104. You know…you do use the word ‘dildo’ A LOT in that book. I haven’t counted, but my guess would be at LEAST 20 times. That’s a minimum. Enough times, apparently, to show up on a dildo search in Amazon. So…congratulations? I guess?

  105. This is so horrible, but it just reminded me of this crazy “double dick dude” that everyone’s been sending pics around about on Twitter. What is a dildo bat? Sounds sketchy.

  106. Oh I hope you sell a lot of books from that! I would be over the moon if my book showed up in a search like that… not in a weird way or anything.

  108. Bloggess fans know WAY more about dildos than one might imagine. I look forward to shocking my husband thanks to your expert tutelage!

  111. It’s obvious, your next post should be things okay to buy used and things that are not.

    Cars, table, skis = okay
    Dildos, pillows, panties = not

  112. I just have the image of a dildo with bat wings.

    They are probably native to Peru. And they just love peaches.

    My mind is a strange place to be sometimes.

  113. I just HAD to Google it…sigh. If anyone needs me… I will be in the corner..rocking and sucking my thumb. It’s what nightmares are made of…. it can’t be unseen….

  114. Chris, I can’t thank you enough for the YouTube of Hey Ash Wacha Playin.

  115. Used dildos sounds like a fetish…probably not for people who are also OCD on cleanliness or hygiene. But that’s just a guess.

  119. used dildos? come on. i mean, an entry level model isn’t so expensive that one should have to go used.

    and i don’t care what anyone says, i am not putting sex toys in my dishwasher. i wash all of mine by hand.

  120. What do you expect when you stick your arm up a cow’s vagina? And why is the black dildo higher on the list than the white one? (oh wait, what am I saying’ ?)

  121. so many questions. someone used the 18 inch dildo and thought, “no. this is not for me. I’m selling this bastard.” once you go “black 11 inch dildo with balls” you never go back”? but, no! you do! because there’s a used one? wow. I laughed pretty hard and yet I *kinda* want my innocence about this topic back. used dildos are going to haunt my mind for a very long time. thank you?

  122. It’s probably only ‘used’ because somebody bought a giant dildo thinking it was your book and when they opened it they were like WHAT this isn’t what I wanted. Then when Amazon got it back they couldn’t resell it as ‘new’ since it had been opened. I’m going with that theory.

  123. Battery-operated boyfriends are one thing, but used battery-operated boyfriends…yuck!!
    I think I would quit Facebook if that ad was on my timeline! Crazy!!

  125. OH MY WORD! Brilliant. II would love to know what a used dildobat is but for your book to come up on the search engine at the same time……lost for words.

    Well, okay I am but my brain isn’t so I’m just going to spew – who thinks to sell a used dildo in the first place and second and worse who buys them…….(cue feeling sick at the thought). How can the buyer be sure it is clean for a start – oh dear now I have made myself a little bit sick. shut up brain, shut up brain…….

    I don’t even buy used shoes but then I do have a mild case of OCD and that prevents me from doing so.

  126. Crystal (63) & Lauren (54)

    You are not alone. And the visual of this masterpiece of taxidermic art is just so shiny and black and overwhelming. But probably not dishwasher safe.

  127. I just had to see it for myself… and of the 171 results, your AMLAZING book was #3 (paperback) and #5 (Kindle)… makes you wonder.

  130. The Dildo Bat is from Saint’s Row 3! It’s a video game. And ‘Hey Ash’ is a show on youtube. *crawls back into cave*

  131. I hope that “new and used” doesn’t actually mean USED, it’s just like factory seconds where the packaging gets messed up.

    Then again, who wants factory seconds dildos?

  132. OMG! It does not matter WHAT day I come to your blog I find myself cracking up, sometimes all by myself looking crazy and creepy.

  133. Hmm, I wonder how many people you’ve tricked into having “giant dildo” in their Amazon search history now. 😛

  135. I went to buy a copy of the book at a local book store as a gift for a co-worker. When I asked the guy at the information desk where I could find it, he directed me to the Young Adult section.

    Wha?

    My eyebrow shot up practically to my hairline, and I said, “Dude, it is soooo not appropriate for young adults.”
    “Well, that is how the publisher has it categorized.”
    “OK, but…whatever.” And I laughed and walked off to the section.

    Predictably, I did not find your book there. I stopped to peruse the crafting section for a new knitting book, before returning to ask where the Humor section may be, when I heard a page for me to return to the Information Desk.

    “Yeah, there is a young adult book by the same name, different author. The one you want is in Humor, not Young Adult.”
    “Yep.”

  136. Aside from being hilarious, this post caused me to locate and watch every video on “Hey Ash, What’cha Playing?”, which is a pretty funny website about video games. So that’s good.

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