I don’t know if it’s the planets or the meds or the darkness of winter, but this week I’ve been a bit down in the hole and I suspect I’m not the only one. Then I heard this song that I’ve loved and forgotten and it saved me a little bit. Little things save me from myself all the time. Sometimes it’s music, and sometimes it’s words from writers who’ve been dead for years, and sometimes it’s you.
If you’re sad or lonely or feeling like you’re one of the misfit toys, know that you are part of us. And remember that those misfit toys were always far more interesting than the normal ones.
Tell someone that you love them, or that they’re important. And tell yourself. Because it’s true.
PS. I wrote this last night but I was too mentally exhausted to publish it, and this morning I looked out and saw a mostly full moon and realized that’s probably partially to blame. It sounds insane and vaguely werewolfy to blame the moon, but I know that weeks with full moons are worse for me. My shrink says that full moons and increased mental illness has never been entirely proven yet, but that studies have shown an increased correlation between full moons and human sleep quality. In particular, delta activity (deep sleep) decreased by 30%. I already have sleep problems and when I did I sleep study last year they found that I had severe alpha-intrusion, which means that my mind is awake while my body is paralyzed and asleep, and that I get almost no delta sleep. There’s no real cure, but my doctor told me that it’s commonly found with people who have intractable pain and depression. No idea if one causes the other or vice-versa, but it was nice to have someone who knew nothing about me look at the scientific printouts and say “You probably have depression don’t you? You’re in pain. I bet you’re exhausted.” Somehow it made it feel better to have someone nod and knowingly say, “It’s not all just in your head.” Except that it is just in my head. But it’s real. And it’s something I fight against, and something I continue to win against every day I’m alive. And if you’re reading this then you’re winning too, even if you don’t feel like it. Am I rambling? My guess is probably and I blame the moon and the fact that lack of sleep puts my ADD into overdrive and makes me question every single thing I do and say and write. So today I up my drugs until things feel better, and I wait until it lifts and then suddenly I remember what it’s like to feel again. Because I know it will come. I know depression lies. I know that mental illness is a small part of me that makes me who I am. I tell myself that when this lifts I will feel again and that it will be amazing. I don’t “know” it because my mental illness also causes illogical doubt, but I know that I’ve been in this hole hundreds of times before and that every time I come out with a few more tricks on how to deal, so mathematically the odds are in my favor. And they’re in your favor too. You just have to trust me on this one.
PPS. When I’m in the hole I find it difficult to help others because I’m so focused on fighting my own battle and that sucks. I’m sorry. But I’ll give you a few tricks I’ve learned and maybe you can share some of yours. Or maybe you can include your twitter ID here in the comments if you want to offer support or need to find a buddy who deals with the same thing you’re dealing with so you can talk to them. It’s amazing how much this can help. Here are a few tricks I’ve learned that help (off and on):
- Sunlight. Take vitamin D. Sit near a window. Buy a sunlight. When things are very bad I go to a tanning salon for five minutes. It’s not super healthy, but it helps me.
- Exercise to increase endorphins. This is only good when you’re not at that uber-fatigued level of depression.
- Rest. Watch funny shows and uplifting drivel. Something you don’t have to think about or keep up with. I recommend something like Little Britain or The Mitchell and Webb Show.
- Give yourself permission to be sick. Mental illness is just as dangerous and real as any other disease. If you need to take a day off to take care of yourself, do it without guilt.
- Read things that make you realize you’re not alone. Allie Brosh’s Hyperbole and Half is good for this. Here’s her website if you can’t afford the book. Boggle, the owl, is also quite nice.
- If you have self-harm issues, snap a rubber band across wherever you usually hurt yourself. It’s just as painful and releases the same chemicals but less likely to give you an infection or scars. Also clench ice in your fists until they hurt like hell and you want to cry. You get the same pain-rush but without any long-term damage. If you pull out your hair or scratch yourself, smear coconut oil all over your hair or wherever you normally hurt yourself. It makes you more cognizant of when you’re doing it since many of us do it without thinking.
- Have someone you can tell so they can watch over you. There’s something very freeing about sharing your struggle and having someone else be available to call when things are at their worse. It feels bad to have to share the load with someone you love, but I guarantee you that they want to know so they can help.
- See a shrink. Adjust your meds as needed. Sometimes I need antipsychotics and sometimes I don’t. My chemistry changes and I have to keep up with those changes. Drugs sometimes work and then stop working and you have to manage them, which sucks when you have depression because you’re often too tired to fight for yourself, but you need those drugs just as much as someone with diabetes needs insulin. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. Ask a family member for help in making appointments and remembering to pick up refills if you can’t do it alone. Remember that it’s hard as hell to get the help you need when you’re mentally ill but that’s not a sign that you’re not worth it or that you should give up. I’ve had to switch doctors before and I’ve had to demand to be seen on numerous occasions. Not every shrink works for every person. It can take time to find the one who fits with you. It’s not your fault if you don’t mesh well with your shrink. Keep looking until you find someone you trust. The right one is out there for you.
- Call the suicide hotline if you need to. They’re there to help and they have fabulous tips and resources. It’s free, you can’t call them too many times, and no one there will laugh at you. You can stay anonymous and they’re happy to just listen to even the craziest things you have to say. Many of them are volunteers because they too have called and been saved by someone on the other end of the phone. I’ve called myself (even though I’m not suicidal) and some of these tips came from the amazing people on the other line. They can also often help you find a good doctor for your specific needs. Just google “suicide hotline” and your local one will pop up. There are also sites like “To Write Love On Her Arms” and Mind Your Mind, which can help.
- Remember that 25-50% of all people will experience mental illness at some point, so you are not alone. I’m a successful writer with a wonderful family, but I also have numerous personality disorders, some that even my closest friends don’t understand. You can be mentally ill and still be a good person. I have to remind myself of that sometimes, but it’s true.
- Do what feels right for you. Dance in your room. Meditate. Read silly quotes. Be unreasonably angry at strangers on the internet and scream at the computer screen from the safety of your home. Make balloon animals, or knit, or project a paint-by-numbers picture on the wall and paint a giant mural, or adopt a bunch of cats and dress them up like little people.
- Laugh. This one seems insane, but sometimes in the middle of one of my lowest points I’ll find something ridiculous and it’ll make me laugh and I’ll suddenly remember what that feels like to smile and it’s like a lifeline to remind me that I’m going to feel good things again soon. Laughing isn’t proof that mental illness isn’t real. It’s a sign that you’re stronger than your mental illness even when it has hold of you. For instance, while I was writing this, I googled “how many people will experience mental illness” and google decided to “help” and instead suggested I look up these two things:
- And lastly, know that this struggle makes you special. It might not be a struggle you’d have chosen for yourself, but it’s one that can make you stronger in the end, and more sensitive and compassionate and empathetic to others. It’s one that will help you help others. And there’s something unique about the people who see the world from the bottom of the hole. We have different eyes when we come up and different ways to seize those moments of joy that we know are so important and rare. And that’s a gift. A terrible and wonderful one. You aren’t alone. You are wanted. You are good. And you will get through this. I promise. And when you doubt your worth, imagine your younger sister or your best friend or your child having these same doubts and realize that that same sense of angry disbelief that the world would ever be better without them is the exact same disbelief that your friends and family would feel if they lost you. You are as special and irreplaceable as the people you love most. Your differentness makes you unique. I makes you who you are. It makes you part of our tribe. It makes you flat on your back one day, and it makes you dress like a circus performer the next. It makes you grab hold of life when it comes back around. It makes you crazy. But that’s not always bad.
If you have tips, tricks, or want to share your twitter handle or email to offer an ear, or to ask for one, feel free to do it in the comments. Or just listen and know that you’re going to be okay. There is an incredible community here built from people just like you. We’re all in this together.
I know it seems odd to say this, but I love when you write these posts. I hope you find your way out of the hole soon… I know you will.
PS I work at a psych hospital and that shit about the moon is true.
I know it seems odd to say this, but I love when you write these posts. I hope you find your way out of the hole soon… I know you will.
PS I work at a psych hospital and that shit about the moon is true.
once in a very dark hour i confided in my friend that i considered myself a coward for not being “brave enough” to go through with suicide – she told me she thought it took more bravery to live. i love her for that. be brave yall.
I read somewhere once that if you smile, even when you’re feeling sad, your brain is tricked into thinking you’re happy. I don’t know how effective that is against clinical depression, but it works for a regular case of the doldrums. It works mostly because I look like an idiot smiling when I don’t want to be, and then my husband says “why are you making that weird face?” which makes me laugh.
(So true. I sometimes hold a pencil in my mouth because it makes you mimic a smile and it can lift your spirits. Feels stupid at the time though. But if it works… ~ Jenny)
How wonderful. So THAT explains why I couldn’t sleep last night. I came downstairs to read TEAM OF RIVALS and woke up very early with the full moon in the west window, lovely and white, and then, as the sun rose, the moon turned a pale gold.
Also, I have a poem called “Strange and Beautiful.”
Jenny, You are remarkable to be able to share so much and to be so open. I’m so impressed and thankful that you are so real and you let us in. Thank you.
Oh, and thanks for always adding humor and making me smile, even when you are serious and vulnerable.
I heart you in so many ways, Jenny. I’m glad to not be in the hole of depression anymore, it took a lot to get out of it for many years and we are standing with you!
I don’t care WHAT the docs say – my sleep has been AWFUL and I swear it’s the moon.
Love. Love. Love.
Jesus. The sleep part sound EXACTLY like my wife. THANK YOU.
I truly believe the full moon does have an effect on people. Equally, I’ve noticed, the new moon does as well. I’ve worked in retail and healthcare and I can tell you there is a correlation. Maybe we should crowdfund a study?
Of course it is the full moon…that is why my sleep has been crap lately. I was just going to blame the husband and his snoring like usual.
I have suffered from occasional depression, currently I have two very close friends who are battling a deep depression and not being able to help them without pulling myself down in with them is so hard and so frustrating. I’m sending them both this post and saving it for myself. And YES the moon is totally part of it!!!
I’ve been there, with the impossible, actually-still-awake sleep and intractable pain. I always took easy sleeping for granted until I got mono for the 2nd time and just… never got better.
Almost by accident I stumbled across the book From Fatigued to Fantastic. Sounds like douchey exploitative crap; isn’t.
That doctor’s regimen for sleep changed my life. There’s a medication called Desyrel (aka trazodone) that is an antidepressant, but research has shown that it is one of only 2 drugs known that actually IMPROVE sleep, deepen it. It made an immediate difference for me. You don’t take the same dose as you would for depression; I take between 50-100mg depending on if my symptoms are flaring up.
I never wanted to take drugs to sleep, but I tried literally everything else. After months of feeling like I woke up 30 times a night, got “stuck” in looping dreams, and never rested, life looked REALLY bad.
Traz helped SO MUCH. (Also: Magnesium. Helps a lot with the pain and also sleep.)
Unlike other sleep meds like Ambien, it’s not a “Hypnotic.” It doesn’t work by knocking you out… which actually makes your sleep worse, even if you do actually pass out.
Yeah, I sound like a drug rep. But it really, really turned me from a complete invalid who couldn’t cope with ANYTHING (no sleep = no emotional will, no buffer, no self-control), to somebody who at least resembled my former self.
(I’ll check it out. I had mono too and never fully recovered bc I have two autoimmune diseases. I take neurosleep because it has magnesium in it and it helps me. I’ve heard mixed things from others though. ~ Jenny)
Thank you for sharing this.
tea – for you and anyone else who needs it today (Because I’m English, so firmly believe it cures all).
I like to stand on something, pretend I’m on a stage and sing very loudly (and badly) until I’ve sung out all the feelings (or borrowed them from the songs). I’m left exhausted, but I sleep!
Will pass this post on to everyone I can think of.
(I do this too. I sing show tunes incredibly loudly. Lately I’ve been singing “Letting Go” from Frozen. It’s ridiculous, but if you look at it in the right light it speaks so clearly about anxiety disorder. ~ Jenny)
You are not the only one. And I’m commenting before I even read most of this, because I want you to know how important it is that you write this stuff. I am sitting in front of my SAD light, waiting for my morning dose of hope, and this is good, really good, to read.
Thank you.
<3 Needed this one. Thank you.
Yes, to so much of this in my own life. Depression is a sneaky beast.
On those gray and dismal winter days I rely on you and Wil Wheaton’s blog to pul me through. Knowing that others feel the black sucking vortex of depression and what others use to fight against it helps me. For me beating the heck out of the heavy bag in the garage is what helps the most. Some days it takes only 5 minutes to get the endorphins flowing but others it is a good half hour. My computer sits next to my sunlight and I schedule my anti-depressants to increase after the winter solstice cause I know I will need them. For the moon thing, I sleep with a white noise machine going, a heavy duty eye mask to block out all light and earplugs. Routine, schedule etc all are against my “free spirit nature” but I have found that if I wait until I ‘feel’ bad it takes longer to come back to normal. Keeping the balance between “normal” and manic is hard but worth the irritation of scheduling. Blessings. p.s. just bought your book for my sisters 50th birthday. She should enjoy it as much as I did.
teri
Thank you for this. Those two words: depression lies; have saved me so often. Your posts and the comments of so many others are helpful beyond words. Laughing helps so much.
My insomnia is always worse during the full moon, in my 20s I hardly ever slept those days it was out and at times I swear I can feel it, like edginess in my blood. Now I mostly sleep some, but it’s fitful and not restful at all. I know they try to claim it’s not real, but I think there is something to it.
Thank you for this. I’m more than willing to lend an ear for anyone who needs one. I’m not really on Twitter much, though. 🙁 Try me at mommymilkies on Twitter.
I Love you… Thank you.
Wow. Thank you so much. I needed this today. Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. You helped me. The self-harm deterrent tips? Amazing. I would never have thought there WERE such distraction methods. As much as I know intellectually that I’m not alone in my depression and other issues, still I do sometimes feel alone. Then I read something like this, and I remember I’m not. Bless you. I hope you feel lots better today.
I also had a sleep study awhile back and they said the same thing about my brain activity – that it’s very high while I’m sleeping. Lack of sleep (or lack of GOOD sleep) can really change your outlook, your personality, and your state of mind. Hang in there. As that…um, famous person said, “This, too, shall pass.”
I love to stand in the moonlight. Some people think it’s cold but I feel washed in light and warmth.
There’s a song from the Barbra Streisand version of “A Star Is Born” called The Woman In The Moon, and these lyrics always remind me that I’m gonna be okay: “The believed that “strange” was a word for “wrong” – well, not in my song!”
Bless you, Jenny.
Jenny, thank you… just thank you…
Phew, there is an explanation for how I’ve been feeling lately.Depressed, mainly… thanks for reminding me that depression lies and I’m not alone in this. It still sucks though… and now I’ll hide behind my light therapy light!
Positive drivel links I like to share when people are sad:
Two versions of “This Too Shall Pass,” by OK GO
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJKythlXAIY
A ridiculously adorable terrier who does some awesome tricks:
And an admonishment to Always Look on the Bright Side of Life!
Oh, and a big hug from me! My grandmother passed away this week, and I’ve been feeling a bit low,too.
Yeah, I think this kind of thing is more prevalent in recent days. I’ve been more down. Rory’s been more down. A lot of people I know have been writing about their depression. I’m here for people, if they need someone to talk to. @jennywilliams on Twitter. Or comment on one of my posts at my blog at jennywilliams dot com. Depression does lie. Some of us just have to wait it out. But others sometimes need a lot of help. Reach out.
Sorry you’re in a hole. I just tweeted you a pic of my kitten Daisy looking at Hunter S. Thomcat looking at that pug…hope that helps for a second or two. 🙂
I live with someone with depression. He takes his meds, does all that his doctor says…but ever so often, he slips down the hole a little. There are little tricks that help:
– wrestle with our Golden Retriever, Simba (that’s some seriously potent ju-ju against depression right there)
-make yourself take a shower, even if you really, really, really don’t want to…clean hair always feels better
-more veggies, less processed food
-turn on some lights
-DON’T LIE TO YOUR DOCTOR. Tell him exactly how bad it is.
Still, even with all of the little tricks and such, there’s still times when you just have to bear with it…it takes time for the keel to even back out again.
All of the best people are crazy
Thank you, again. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which was diagnosed when they gave me anti depressants and although my mood was better I was still barely functional. I’ve been in a spiral lately and it’s helpful to remember it’s not just me and that there will be better days.
Thank you for this. I’ve been feeling depressed more than usual lately. It seems the meds don’t help and brain won’t s long enough to sleep. I do forget depression is a liar liar, pants on fire. I really needed this today. Thank you Jenny!
Thank you. I like this side of your writing.
Thank you very, very much.
The laugh or smile thing doesn’t work for me. Makes me cry every.single.time. I wish it didn’t, because on days like that, I want a happy moment. But I suppose this is just one more way that we’re all different.
I pet the dog. (And that’s not some euphemism for something kinky, it’s just nice to pet the silly dog.)
Love you….even when you write what’s deep in my mind and heart….I’m sitting in that hole…moving around it to catch the sun..and snuggling the cat
@di53 is twitter..
I’ve been suffering a nasty bout since fall started. Some of it is lack of sleep; some of it is lack of sunshine and days outside. The kiddo sleeps fewer hours when it’s cold for some reason, and of course most of the winter it’s too wet to play at playgrounds. I know it’ll get better in the spring when I get more sunshine and exercise, but this winter has been especially hard. The full moon doesn’t help this week. I’ve cried (in front of other people and my kid, too!) several times. I was all ready to be happy this morning, but I’ve had to yell at the kiddo 5 times already. Then, I cried reading this. What a mess!
Also, I worked retail in a mall during my early 20s. Full moon, Saturday night that place was a NUTHOUSE. And not in a good way.
I hate that you have such a bad reaction to the full moon. It makes my hubby (who battles depression) frisky…very nice.
There’s also a website called Stay Here With Me. Stayherewithme.com that’s helpful. And, about seeing a shrink: don’t be ashamed or afraid to change shrinks if the one you have isn’t working for you.
my head’s not always right, either. it likes to distort things, or lie as you would say. and, knowing this, i’ve a list of what makes me good stored on my phone. and when i’m feeling down and am unable to see myself clearly, i ask a friend to tell me either what she likes best about me or what makes me pretty. one thing. and i add it to the list. and i read it when my reflection appears, in my mind, to be more like ursula from little mermaid and less like the one the mirror presents. sometimes it helps.
also, i spend more time at pappadeaux’s bar, writing. the hustle and bustle, the camaraderie of the staff there distracts me. this helps me because i don’t have to involve myself in that hustle and bustle. i’m not part of it. but i get to enjoy it nonetheless.
or i watch a movie. heads up, saving mr. banks is NOT a good one to see when your head’s messing with you.
Thanks, Jenny! You just made me feel a lot better!
You inspire me every day. I’ve never laughed louder than I do at your posts (the story of how you got Beyonce is a personal favorite). You also make me feel, if not exactly normal, less abnormal, which is the best you can hope for on some days.
Oops. I see there’s an error on the last two videos. Here are the last two:
I have so much gratitude for you. You are the voice for those of us who can’t get the words out. I would like to share a quote from another wonderful writer who lost the battle. “Its so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. That’s above and beyond everything else, and it’s not a mental complaint-it’s a physical thing, like it’s physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don’t come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people’s words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.”
― Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story
It makes me so sad that I will never get to read something that he wrote again. It’s so hard not to sound trite- but I hope you know that you’ve saved lives, and we can never thank you enough.
Thank you. I needed to read this.
I also love Mitchell and Webb. I think your next taxidermied animal should be named Sir Digby Chicken Caesar. Especially if it is a taxidermied chicken.
Thank you for posting this the “Do what feels right for you” have saved me before. Also get out of the house, even if it’s just going to the store for gum, get out, make contact, i’m the biggest hater alive, so i know is the last thing you want to do, but it does help.
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. You make so many people’s worlds a better place.
I work at a public library. The full moon theory is fully proven here.
And my sleep has been completely disrupted for about a week and I hit a mini-mania period early on, although that ended my sleep disruption continues. Despite my total belief in the full moon at work, it never occurred to me at home. DH can add that to PMS as extra crazy times…so basically three out of every four weeks :-).
Thank you as always. When I get lowest I think of a quote by Hank Green, “Your job isn’t to deal with this, it’s to survive it.” Just stay alive until you have just enough energy to actually go through the hard process of “dealing” with it. Remember that you can never be too kind to yourself, because depression starts you off in a cruel position.
Mercury is in retrograde. Google it and see if that explains things. It’s a bitch. Hope you feel better, we all look forward to your posts!
Changing what, how and when I eat has made an incredible difference in my Anxiety levels. I have had no Panic attacks or outbursts in the last 3 months. Just a thought. The Moon fucks with me however and I totally have to curb impulsive behavior and it takes me longer to fall asleep.
My sleep has been crap this week, too! Damn moon. You’re like a beautiful, evil sister. I will call you Marcia Marcia Marcia from now on.
Thank you so much for sharing your struggles. I have felt so alone and down on myself this month. People tried to tell me it was the post holiday blues. But I always struggle more in January and February (mid winter in Buffalo, NY, go figger!). And I’m sorry but the moon cycles affect us all whether science can prove it or not. This past week has been just gosh darn awful. Sometimes it helps to know we aren’t alone and we are all stronger than we realize. Depression lies but as long as we keep reminding each other of that, we’ll stop believing the lies.
Just when I make up my mind that I’m just destined to always be sad (kinda like Eeyore), you come along and make sense and make me think that I’m not the only one. Thank you for that.
And of course we can blame it on the moon.
Thank you. I’m good right now but I know just who needs to see this right now and I will undoubtedly need to see it again too soon.
Thank you so much for this. I’m always willing to be a shoulder… I’m Lyttle_Byrd on Twitter, and I blog about depression sometimes at http://lyttlebyrd.wordpress.com. I call my illness my Bitch in the Corner… And she’s not going to win….
What I like most about this lovely post is that from now on I won’t be blaming my mother in therapy, but the moon.
I have a family member who suffers from depression. Thank you for sharing your pain. It helps me understand a little bit more about how I can make a difference. Thinking about you and supporting from a distance. We love you!!
Thank you, Jenny, for reminding us we are NOT alone. I have been struggling these last few days also, and it doesn’t help that I’m on an antibiotic and can’t take my other meds. You remind us WE CAN DO THIS. YOU.ARE.AWESOME.
Thanks, I needed this especially today. Lately on every Friday I think to myself “is this the weekend I finally check out for good?”. And every Monday morning I find myself surprised I am still here.
I spent the entire day Tuesday sleeping because I couldn’t get out of bed. It’s the time of year (it’s below zero and dark in MN most of the time right now) and the full moon this month, I think. Plus post-holidays exhaustion. Thanks for writing this: I use a lot of the same techniques to ‘just keep going’ during depressions, but I KNOW my cranky level has been pretty high the past week or two.
the moon made me read this and relate and be grateful that you wrote and shared xo
Anyone who wants to talk can contact me at @brigidslipka on Twitter.
Sleep. Lots of sleep. Even if you don’t call off work sick, call off sick from dinner/kids and go to bed at 7pm. Read for three hours or whatever. Remembering how in The Fault in Our Stars the doctor tells Hazel that sleep fights cancer. It fights depression, too.
For those of us with issues with the phone a lot of places have an email address you can use. It took a friend mentioning that for me to contact a specialist for panic and anxiety. It was the greatest revelation. Apparently the local kids support line in town has one and a web based chat.
Jenny, you are so brave. I know depression lies but sometimes the truth is just too much to bear. I am, once again, in that black hole and I keep ending up here so the me in my head keeps asking why I even try to crawl out. I am ready to give in.
(Do not give in. I’m not brave. I have no choice but to fight this and I’m lucky enough to have a job where I can be honest about it and not have to fear the repercussions. I’m lucky…and sometimes I’m strong…but I’m so far from brave. One day I hope to be though, and then I can help people in real life rather than hiding behind a computer. We do what we can with what we have. It’s brave to be ready to quit and then change your mind. Be brave. ~ Jenny)
You could look here (http://www.petestaxidermy.com/birds.htm#Turkeys) or here (http://www.taxidermytrophiesforsale.com/large-birds.html) to get started. But you’d have to find your own butler suit, sorry to say.
I’ll say the same thing I said to Wil: Go You.
I’m very glad that I do not have the same disease that you do, but reading about your trials helps me understand my daughter better. Thank you.
It may not be scientifically proven, but to anyone who has worked in a nursing home, emergency room, or is the parent to a child with serious mental illness- WE know the full moon causes all kinds of increased crazy. I don’t know if you have any real understanding of what you do when you help bring awareness to mental illness and make it not so scary for the masses, but I thank you so much. I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD stemming from parenting a child with severe mental illnesses. Other people who have no idea, get some type of a clue reading your posts. And it helps.
I love that you shared all this. Depression sucks. And it’s every bit of what you’ve just written. I am fortunate to have married a wonderful man who I can alert when it’s particularly dark for me. He keeps watch. I have a child with a chronic, rare disease and that beats up on my depression as well. There are so many bad days. But also good days as well as some great ones. It can be very lonely and isolating living inside the mind with depression. Thanks for your honesty. It’s hard to share but you never know when someone like minded might need to hear. I suspect many people will read what you’ve written and it will help them get find their way through the dark into the light.
So many people have some form of mental illness. We’re trying to show real people with real mental illness at our site The Face of Mental Illness. People tell their story, and most show their face, to get people talking and to help people realize they are not alone.
And that’s just it. You aren’t alone. You may feel that you’re the only person struggling the way you do. But just talking to other people you’ll realize that others struggle in the same way, related ways, or completely different ways. But we all struggle.
Please add B vitamins to your list. I haven’t been depressed, which happened quite often, since I started taking a big B complex supplement every morning. Lot’s of people have trouble absorbing B vitamins from their food and don’t ever realize it.
(Good point. I take B12 twice a day and have to get shots every week because mine is severely low. I feel like it’s helped my fatigue a bit and my depression a bit too. Not a ton, but enough to keep doing it. I go back for more bloodwork soon to see if it’s working. ~ Jenny)
I don’t have a problem believing the moon affects people. The moon makes the tide. People are mostly water. So of course the moon pulls on us, too.
Jenny, My depression comes and goes and I can usually handle it and recognize it for what it is (Kind of like Wil Wheaton) and Depression is an ugly thing that I don’t really like. I feel for you. Remember, there is even another Jenny from Texas who suffers too. Sending you the hugs and support that only another sufferer can share.
Thank you for sharing these, they are great tips. I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time, but I’m glad you’re able to remember that It Will Get Better. And we’re here for you all the time, not just when you’re feeling up and happy.
If I may add something, when I’m feeling depressed, helping someone else even in a small way like smiling at someone or thanking the barista, can help me remember I’m not alone and I can make a difference in somone else’s life.
Take care.
I haven’t been able to sleep worth a damn for the past week, and when I have slept I have had very vivid dreams that have made me not want to sleep. I tend to read a lot when I get like this. It helps me to think about something other than all the madness going on inside my head. I had to give up my meds when my husband lost his job and we lost our health insurance so the last few months have already been hard. No sleep on top of it has made it more difficult to deal with. On the bright side though I have gotten in a lot of reading and watching shows I have been wanting to see for a while now.
I am sorry you are having to go through this but thank you for sharing it so we don’t all feel like we are the only ones.
I love you. And I love that the bulk of your post is a post post script.
@RGWriting on twitter if someone needs to chat.
Thank you. Your words mean a lot. And I agree, I think the full moon is powerful, as I always feel a bit on edge or just off during the full moon. They may have not found a link, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t one. They just don’t know of one. There’s so much about how the brain works that science doesn’t understand.
And many thanks for all the suggestions. I have been trying to exercise more and get some actual sun. It does help.
I don’t have any tips really but ever since I discovered your youtube video where you said “Don’t Leave”, I will repeat that elebenty brazillion times until whatever is attacking my brain slows down or stops and I am able to breathe better and switch lanes.
Also, Amanda Palmer posted a blog a bit ago about her friend Conor who killed himself and she wrote, “i love you. whoever and wherever you are.” and I don’t know what it was about that moment in my life, but damn I needed to hear that and bawled my eyes out for what seemed like forever.
Hanging in there can be so fucking hard, but you reminding some of us to do just that helps … Thank You! <3
I have felt so down lately too. Our house burned down in October. my 8 yr old who is mentally ill. Bipolar w/psychosis and RAD is having a really rough time. We ended up having to commit her to a crisis unit about two weeks after the fire. My oldest is Aspergers and severe OCD. The lies in your head make you feel useless and pathetic. They make me think it would be better to just leave and run away. I know they are lies but they are damn convincing at times. My panic attacks have increased 100 fold (fire fire fire everywhere all the time in my head) and my depression is epic right now. I laugh and dance alone and sing songs. It helps. I read you and allie and others that I know struggle as well. You have been my hero and someone i have looked up to since I started reading you wayyyyy back when and I thank you for being open and honest. It helps. Mental illness is a douchefuck. Needless to say it has been a rough time lately so I get it. I am @mysnafudworld and I am around to support you or take support. We are a club…a very jackholed club. But one all the same.
(Sounds like PTSD. I had it for a year after a traumatic experience and it took time and therapy to get over it. It sneaks up on you because it hits hardest when you start to relax and feel safe because your mind couldn’t deal with it at the time and so it waits until you’re better and then makes you feel all the emotions in the world. PTSD was one of the hardest things I ever went through and caused the worse panic attacks of my life. It will get better, but it takes time and help. It’s a normal reaction, but much worse if you also have anxiety and stress. Sending you love. ~ Jenny)
There’s a window at the top of the vaulted ceiling in my bedroom. When the moon is full, it sits in my window and taunts me. I really don’t like the moon in my window. I like the moon everywhere else. I just want it to get the hell out of my window and stop being a taunty asshat. That’s not too much to ask, right?
Laughter is the best. And you bring tons of it to tons of us. Thank you for helping when you don’t even realize you do. =)
I have quite a few friends who have depression or other issues. Your posts about your struggles always help me to understand them just a little bit better. If anyone needs a total stranger to lend a nonjudgmental ear, my twitter handle is @KelleyLMH.
Reblogged this on Bipolar Me and commented:
If you don’t already know about The Bloggess, well, you should. And here’s your chance. I especially like the advice about seeing a shrink. Remember: You are hiring the therapist. You can look for another one if needed. I had one that said I had PTSD because of some non-standard sexual experiences. And a couples therapist who shredded me and left me worse than when I came in. I learned to interview therapists before I made the first appointment. Do you deal with women’s issues, mood disorders, grief counseling? (Good.) Are you a Freudian, a cognitive behavioral therapist, a religious counselor, easily offended? (For me, at least, not so good.) And do you have a sense of humor? Then I give it a couple of visits to do the Reader’s Digest condensed version of my screwed-up life. By then I can usually tell if we are right for each other. And if we’re not, I MOVE ON. And keep looking. I need a professional therapist in my support system, but not just anyone will do.
I try to remind myself that my anxiety and depression can be good because they help me understand what’s going on in my daughter’s head, and help me be a better mom to her, and to help her through her low points. Some days, most days, it’s not enough, but it’s a start.
Wow. It’s nearly noon and I haven’t managed to goad myself out oh bed yet from feeling so low, and along comes this thunk on the head from the Universe, reminding me that it ISN’T just me, I’m not alone in my wretchedness. Thank you Jenny and everyone who has commented. Big shout out to ShellHawk for the additional videos.
Depression, you lying bastard, suck it!
Survivors matter. On both sides. I can’t possibly imagine life being bad enough to not want to enjoy it, but now I understand why we lost my BIL and why we might lose other family and friends. It helps me not “get it”, but accept it. Cause I honestly don’t think if you can understand if you don’t struggle, but hey jack – we are all a little crazy or we wouldn’t be taking this ride with you and to me your immense bravery and putting your hand up and asking for help is incredible and awe inspiring and yeah, I want a turkey butler too 🙂
Holy crap I am so glad to see the thing about the moon. This week has kicked my ass in so many ways and I am utterly depleted today. I had blamed it on the moon semi-jokingly but I really believe that it fucks with things. Changes our body rhythms. If something as big as the sea is affected, why not something as small as me?
P.S. Thank you for the rubber band tip. I don’t self-harm but I need distraction techniques when my anxiety spirals out of control.
My mom works at a facility for the severely mentally retarded. She and all the folks she works with know exactly when there’s a full moon. I’ve heard nurses say the same. By the way,! I’m a teacher and this time of year is terrible for my students. Everybody, keep your kids in mind when you are taking care of yourself to beat the blues this time of year. They suffer too.
You are really inspiring, Jenny. I don’t know if I’ll ever get the mental health I need, but you give me hope that it’s out there. One day I might be happy.
Yep…I can relate. My daughter has several personality disorders as well and she has been manic the last few days. Personally I usually get depressed this time of year (HATE the holidays! All those happy people running around. UGH! lol) but last year I got a “Happy Light” (Mine is Verilux brand) and I SWEAR it helped me! I keep in on my desk and leave it on every day. No extra drugs for me last year or this year (so far!! lol). I saw white noise machine mentioned. I use one of those too. It shuts my head off at night (fairly well…my ADD has a hard time shutting up!) Hang in there! Thanks for sharing. I’m sure this blog helped more people than you can imagine! <3
One song I listen to (that I’ve been listening to since I was 11) is “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World. Yeah, it’s an old song, but it reminds me that I’m in the middle, and the ride is not over and that things can and will change. I also sing. Studies have shown that people who sing or play in a musical ensemble are much less likely to have problems with depression. So even if you don’t feel like going to that music rehearsal, go; it might just help. My choir family and the release I get from making music always make my day better. Another thing that some studies have shown can help with depression is dirt. I’m not kidding. Dig a hole. Garden. Get outside. My archaeology professor in college had a print out of the study pinned to the wall of his lab. As an archaeologist, I can say that I don’t doubt it.
You have been such a strong resource for those of us struggling. Depression and anxiety go hand-in-hand and it’s time to end the stigma.
I’m @tcstream on the Twitter and if you’re curious about what an anxiety attack is, I also took the full moon opportunity to explain it: http://streamoftheconscious.com/chill-out-or-an-over-analysis-of-anxiety-attacks/
I don’t know if I’m suffering from depression or just going through a phase where things are generally suboptimal but I’m so thankful for you writing this. It helped a lot. I hope you get better soon.
It got a little dusty in here…
Thank you so much for this! I’ve been going through a down period right now and it can be a very lonely feeling. So many people don’t understand that depression and mental illness is REAL and you can’t just snap out of it. Reading your blog and Allie Brosh’s can ALWAYS bring a smile to my face when I feel down.
I have 7 ruptured discs in my back/neck and I have fibromyalgia, IBS, and chronic fatigue (though I’m pretty sure that last one would resolve if all the others would get in line and march the hell outta here), and I’m constantly ay-frickin’-mayzed I DO NOT have depression or anxiety issues. Don’t ask me why, I’ve no clue…not a one. Which is to say, to have all this pain AND depression? Cheese and rice….
Thank you so much for this, Jenny. I’m at a bit of a low myself right now (I clearly need a med check!) and actually wrote about it on my blog this morning. Thank you for making me feel just a little less alone. I hope the sun comes out soon for you! xoxo
Oh! And my twitter is @MHArensmeyer
Sometimes it’s enough just to be there for someone. Thanks for making my week a little better.
Funny how so many of us needed to hear this today, myself included. Thank you jenny…you also, are not alone. <3
Great list!
I used humor to defeat the bitch last year after being diagnosed with breast cancer. I have never had the prolonged kind, just a reaction to the crap that life throws my way. I call it going down the hole. That’s when I write a blog post about something funny or work on my novel. I can only think about one thing at a time so I fill my head with other thoughts. It’s been very therapeutic!
When I read these posts, I am always bowled over by the thought how how many people you help every day, just by being yourself and letting that beautiful self loose on the Internet. More than you can ever realize. Everyone needs to hear your message and I am proud to be part of your island of misfit toys. Your bravery is a light in this sometimes cold dark world. xoxo
I have to speak to the ” know that this struggle makes you special. ”
It’s totally true. I’ve suffered with depression (manifesting as anxiety and sleep disorders) for more than 20 years. I’ve collected my toolbox and taken meds and there are many more good days than bad. It can be hard to remember that when you’re in that hole, but it’s true. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I know I can survive stuff that would crush other people – because I’m still here.
Use those tools. Find the tricks that work for you. Call someone. Read something funny. Take a walk. Whatever it takes.
Today I am having a day in the darkness, where meds etc. just do not seem to be helping. Reading this gave me that hint of reassurance that I’m not in this alone, and I greatly needed that today. So thank you!
One of simple things that helps me is quote from Harry Potter: “Of course it is happening inside your head, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?” I hear it in Dumbledore’s voice and it’s someone whose judgement I can trust 🙂
I ♥ you.
I’ve been down in the hole lately as well. Slowly clawing my way back out of the darkness… You and the tribe have been saving me a bit.
Be kind to yourselves. You are all wonderful individuals. xoxo
great music. Thanks. When i can’t even see over the barrier wall of depression, if i can find anything to make me laugh – FAWLTY TOWERS has worked when nothing else will. I would swear that i feel better during the full moon, but for those who don’t, blackout curtains might help some. But i do know that strange “feeling in the blood” thing; i always thought of it as “that strange feeling” and mine is not effected by whether I see the moon or not.
Playing with my dogs? YES! Big time.
I think there should be a service for depressed people to play with lots of puppies or kittens for a while. 5 minutes with baby animals can work better than my anti-depressants.
I am someone who doesn’t suffer from depression or mental illness, and who is generally pretty up-beat and easy going. I know from experience that it is hard for people like me to really appreciate why people who are “sad” or who “focus on the negative” don’t just get over it. One of the things that I appreciate about your writing is that – in addition to helping people with issues akin to your own – your articulateness and frankness go a long way toward helping people like myself understand. Understand both the potentials and the limits of what we can do to help those around us — people who can seem so alien and unreachable in the depth of their hurts.
I had the misfortune of being in an ER once and waiting for hours. When I finally saw a doctor I said, “is it always like this?” and she said, “during full moons it is.” Great post, you are helping people.
Thanks for your post. I didn’t realize how much I needed it until I finished reading.
Wow…not sure I’ve ever read a post that made me laugh maniacally (heh…turkey butler…I’m giggling again) and then be in tears only a minute later. I really have to stop reading your stuff at the office.
You call it a hole. I call it the dark…and the dark has weight. It’s always there, in a box under the bed, or pushed into the back of a closet, but sometimes the lid comes off. Not something something I talk about with most people. There are only one or two I trust enough. But they have been there to help me push it back in the box a few times.
I hope you find the ladder out of the hole soon.
Thank you for these posts. Know that you help others when you share your pain. My therapist taught me ego state therapy. This involves thinking about your emotional “parts” as different people. If you need to nurture the little girl, then the mother part does so. Things like that. It helps. Having compassion for yourself makes a big difference. But also, give yourself time to mourn or be sad if you need to. I had a good cry and pity party for myself the other day. I think it helped. Exercise does help me now that I have a gym close by. Just keep trying to make it through the next minute to the next hour. As a friend told me: suicide is a rather permanent solution to a temporary problem. We love you Jenny.
(I love you guys right back. The Doctor Who episode with Vincent Van Gogh is my go-to show to make me cry when I need to let me emotions out. It’s uplifting and sad at the same time. ~ Jenny)
Thanks, as someone who lives with depression and works with those living with mental illness, it’s so important to know we are not alone being misfits. And Jimmy Buffet is my mood elevator
I use a lot of your tips, but here are some of my favorites:
– Keep an uplifting playlist. When you find a song that makes you smile or dance or feel lighter than air, add it to your emergency playlist. Sometimes I have to keep the volume down real low because in the darkest moments some songs can feel too saccharine, but even at low volume I can feel it lifting me little by little.
– Scent is a powerful mood switch. I can feel a little brighter by wearing some perfume, using a richly scented shower gel, lighting some incense or nice candles, baking something, …
– I’m also a very visual person, and keeping a list of pretty things to look at helps a bunch, I have a few favorite movies in my “emergency kit”, a few picture books that mentally transport me, some favorite websites that inspire me, …
But most of all, I find it’s important to actually make a list like this that you can reference. Having a “Bad Day Emergency Kit” not only reminds me of things I can do to feel better, but it reminds me that there is a pattern of rise and fall, and that I’ve been here before and will get through it. You wouldn’t think one could forget something like that, but when the clouds start to gather in my head, I always ALWAYS go through a brief period of, “What’s happening??? Why do I feel like this???”
(I totally forgot one you reminded me of. Peeling an orange. Even if I’ve lost my appetite the smell of an orange can pick me up a bit. Also mint tea. Even if I just brew it but don’t drink it. So odd how little things can jar you a bit out of your head. ~ Jenny)
Thank you for this. I’ve had depression and anxiety for over ten years and it’s nice to be reminded that I’m not alone and plenty of people do understand out there. One of your earlier depression-related posts is how I actually discovered you.
If anyone needs a shoulder you can HMU on twitter @CamaroCass…
As an antidote to the winter blues, each day I’m writing down something that I love. It’s a good excuse for me to take a moment and reflect on the positive. I just published the first week’s installment.
Thanks, Jenny. You have no idea how much I needed this post. January is my absolute worst month every year. It’s at least a month of hard struggle (I never quite know when it will abate).
One thing that always helps is putting on your audiobook. I travel a lot and sometimes if I’m stressed, I put on your book because it’s guaranteed to make me laugh. So again, thank you so much for being you and sharing it with the world!
{hugs}
I apologize in advance, as this will be a lengthy comment. Feel free to edit, or not allow, just writing it down, knowing someone will see is helpful.
I too, have suffered from this grey cloud, all my life. The insomnia started when I was 15, at the same time as my first migraine. My search for perfection in all I do just makes these crosses that much harder to bear. To the uninformed naked eye, I look like a nice middle-aged lady who has a good job, family, house, etc. Inside I am telling myself it is all a mirage, or that it will come crashing down soon. I have been on an antidepressant of one type or another (along with anti-anxiety meds) since my early 20s. Do they help? Sometimes, mostly they just take the edge off and allow me to function, to survive.
The full moon this week really knocked me backwards as well, sleep was just not in the cards, and with my job and family obligations, it has made me exhausted. Weary. If there were a way I could give up, I would. I do not want to kill myself, I just want this to end.
So, what am I doing? I just took my dogs for a long walk in the winter sunshine, I am eating a chicken breast with cheese but no carbs, I took my 150mg of Effexor, my fish oil, and I my take a lorazapram if I get too jittery. Does self-harm help? does it cause some sort of chemical release? If so, should I try it?
It does help, knowing I am not alone. I just wish my tribe were closer, I could really use a hug without the “cheer up” that would accompany it here.
Thank you Jenny, for the crazy laughter (my hubs got me my own “Beyonce” for Christmas this year) and for being a voice for us special, sensitive, depressive, anxious dreamers.
I hope we all feel better soon.
(Self-harm doesn’t help. At all. For me it comes with Impulse Control Disorder and I can’t stop myself from hurting myself unless I use behavioral therapy. If you have it then there is temporary relief after hurting yourself but if you don’t have it it just causes more pain and no matter what you feel crappy afterward. Some people do it as a cry to for help, but it’s easier to just ask. Don’t start. It’s a bad road and one that doesn’t lead to good things. It’s like crack, except that I suspect crack at least makes you feel good for a bit. Self-harm is all shame and impulse and it’s one of the worst things to struggle with. Depression is almost sane compared to the urge to hurt yourself for no reason. ~ Jenny)
I’m grateful to you for your posts. You always make me smile, and that’s not easy to do when I’m in the bottom of this hole. Thank you kindly.
I struggle with self harm, anxiety, and terrible depression. I’ve been seriously considering ending my life. It feels so very lonely and impossible. I am alone. No one understands here and criticizes me for it.
Thank you for helping me to remember how to smile. I’m also glad that I’m not the only one that dresses up their cats. 🙂 I wish you all the happiness in the world.
Much love and thanks
We were talking about January just the other day. January seems to start right after Christmas and doesn’t end until mid February. And by mid February I’m on the internet looking at beaches and Italy. A couple things I’ve learned 1) don’t nap. You have limited daylight so use it. Once it begins to get dark turn on every light in the house. Works for me.
I have no tips. I have no idea how I do it. And I can always give and receive hugs, encouragement, or just listen. https://twitter.com/lanalucy99
Thank you for this. I’ve had depression & anxiety for over ten years and it’s nice to be reminded that I’m not alone. I actually found your blog because of one of your other depression-related posts and it brought me to tears because someone finally understood the crappiness.
If anyone needs a shoulder, HMU on twitter, @CamaroCass
I love your honesty, I know you help many people and I suspect you save many more! One thing that really turned me around (as far as understanding my depression) was reading Mother and Daughter Wisdom by Dr. Christiane Northrup -I also have it on audio.
The blood that nurished me as I developed inside my Mom, was full of the enzymes and hormones of depression. But, I spent the time in therapy over the years and I also have a list of the tricks you share, I call them my toolbox, and they help and work! My only extra one is I give myself two days to wallow… stay in bed, eat comfort food, cry and watch sad movies, really plummet, until I get so low it makes me laugh at the absurdity. I chose 2 days, because when I was working, it meant a weekend in bed eating delivery (I lived in Boston then) pizza, chinese, etc. Now, I work from home, so I can do my 2 days at will.
My mother went through hell when she was pregnant with me. It was the 1950’s and her parents were furious that she got pregnant in her senior year of high school and got married at 5 months. After she died, I learned things that helped me understand her issues with abandonment and love -how they damaged me. When she went into labor at 17 years old, she was alone, my father had abandoned her weeks earlier to go party… she called her parents and they told her: “You’ve made your bed now sleep in it!” She had to take a taxi all alone at 11 pm on a Sunday in April 1956. I can not even imagine how scared she was! She drove passed the hospital and went to the Catholic Maternity hospital, it was where young girls went to give up their babies. No one is left to tell me the details, my mother killed herself in 2001. But, I understand why I have issues with depression, I developed inside a teenager, who was abandoned and betrayed by those who were supposed to love and protect her.
I had long talks with her during her last ten years. We respected each other. She claimed to have no ability to love me, but I think she was too damaged to understand that she loved too much, it overwhelmed her heart. She hated being a widow and could not find her way. I wish she had given life more credit and had more hope. I miss laughing with her on the phone. She was wrong, no one is so broken by life that they can not find happiness. You need a toolbox and you need to use ‘tricks’. Never lose the curiosity about tomorrow, always strive to stick around to see how it turns out!
I tend to not talk to anyone anyway but when I am depressed I don’t feel I deserve to talk about it. I tell myself, there are so many other people that have things so much more worse than I do and I shouldn’t and have no reason to be depressed.
(I have no reason to be depressed. If anything, I should be happy. But if I don’t get help then I’ll do something I regret and then everyone will have a reason to be sad. Get help. There is no shame in it. It’s purely chemical, just like mine. Nothing bad happened to me that made me this way. I just am. Talk to someone. They’ll understand if they’ve been there. A shrink will totally understand. ~ Jenny)
Thanks for this. I was barely hanging on…
I love your irreverent life-posts, but these posts are where I feel you truly shine. This is when you are your most human, humane, and striking. You can and will keep on doing it! For yourself, and thus, for all of us out here who count on little things to pick us up when we need it as well.
THANK YOU!
Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really needed to hear all of that today. Glad to know someone as cool as you feels the same way I do.
I don’t normally reply because you’re amazing, and I just sneak around quietly in awe, but I’ve been in kind of a blah place lately and I had to say thank you. This morning, I needed something, and this helped me kick myself in the ass and try to get back to a better place. Thank you for continuing to expose your pain so that the rest of us can deal with ours. Just thank you.
this is pretty much exactly what I needed to read today… thank you for your words and your work, and for being you.
I’ve had piss-poor luck with drugs. For me, most have the opposite effect from what was intended. Even ibuprofen messes with me seratonin enough that I start having suicidal thoughts. So my therapist is a really huge part of my mental healthcare, and my current therapist is finally one that really works for me. I found her on the Psychology Today website, and I highly recommend it if you’re looking for someone to talk to (they have psychiatrists, too, not just LCSWs). There’s a place on the website where you enter your zip code or city and it lists for you all of the therapists, counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. in your area. Each person has written a little blurb about themselves and their practice, which is how I found my amazing therapist. The things she wrote just struck a chord in me, and it turned out to be the right thing.
I hope this helps someone. You’re not alone, and if you feel like you don’t have anyone to talk to who will understand, at least you can pay someone who really will understand, and even be able to help. I’ve been doing it for a year, and it’s the best money I spend every week.
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?m=0
(My first anti-depressant made me suicidal and I was scared to try again after that. I finally did and found a drug family that worked for me, but I wish I would have known that different drugs work for different people and that it’s not my fault. I also discovered that I’m completely immune to everything in the valium family. Like, I could take a whole bottle and be completely normal. I didn’t even know that was possible, but you don’t know how drugs react until you take them. That’s why it’s so important to let your family know how you’re feeling and fore your doctor to listen to you about your reactions. ~ Jenny)
Thank you so much, I just pinned all your ideas, they really do help! Also wanted to share that as someone who worked in a bank, we dreaded the full moon, it is not a myth! I hadn’t realized the effect it had on the sleep cycle, so maybe that does help explain it!
I needed this today. Thank you. ♥♥
Knitting helps me as does singing loudly (horribly. I mean SO bad that I feel I should send condolence cards to my favorite bands for my butchering of their amazing music). Some days I pull up a book on the Nook, grab my latest knitting project, AND sing loudly with one of the dogs curled up on my feet to even get myself motivated enough to put on something other than pyjamas.
Sarcasm, at least according to my kids, seems to be my biggest ‘stick’ though. I am so glad you mentioned TWLOHA since I have been all but screaming from the rooftops about how awesome they are. Just having that resource available has helped my teenagers with their own bouts with depression and self-harm.
Thank you for this. Needed it (badly) this week. Numbers 1-5 and 11-13 are all going to be on my to-do list this weekend. Also, I’m sorry you’re feeling down, but its really nice to know that I’m not the only one who’s stuck in this funk.
I attempted suicide once. I was ICU for five days and the hospital for a week. I was transported to a mental are facility where they said I was fine and didn’t need to be there. I really blame generic Wellbutrin for it because once it was out of my system I was fine. My friend was on the real stuff then her insurance switched her to generic and she did the same thing. Not that it doesn’t work for some, but it does have it’s problems.
Now I am good other than not sleeping & extreme anxiety/panic attacks. I do have depression but I’m learning to cope without Meds. Even my psychiatrist thinks I am doing great and I still see a psychologist. My anxiety is another issue altogether, but I am working on it. Thanks for the post. It helps A LOT.
After my “attempt” I realized a lot about myself and my friends and family that loved me. Depression sucks! But if you can make it out of the whole, it’s so much better. I’m so glad I lived, even though I wouldn’t have had I not told my sister my goodbye that night. She saved my life and I am forever grateful. Suicide isn’t the way out. The way out is perseverance, help, love & laughter. When I can’t find the will out of bed, my husband makes me laugh and I know there is an end coming.
Thank you so much. I’ve been crawling out of my skin this week -and now I don’t feel so bad about it.
It makes sense. Your whole post makes sense, and I really needed it today. THANK YOU.
Thank you for this post, Jenny. You have no idea how much it helps to know I’m not alone, especially when depression tells me I’m a fuck-up and that no one likes me. In my lowest moments, I remember that depression lies and that we are all in it together.
My email address is lunarmoon81@yahoo.com and I offer it up in case anyone needs to talk. My Twitter handle is emnipotent. Please reach out if you need an ear or a friend.
I loved reading this. Though I feel great today (thank you Cabo, for all of the Vitamin D), it is a constant battle and always in the back of my mind. Depression is not a dirty word. And it’s not my fault. Took me years to accept this, but once I did, I felt free. Hope someone else reads this and knows they are not alone.
As a survivor of sexual abuse, and an otherwise hectic childhood, I tend to live in Anxiety Land. Since I work from home, I only medicate as needed. There are days when the door bell is frightening. Well, that’s everyday.
Anyway, I do dance, in my bathroom, as exercise. Here is a blog that explains that: http://lisarpetty.com/2014/01/01/hobbit-dance-studio/
I also LAUGH and make others laugh. I try to take nothing seriously. I used to do stand up. Now, I’m too tired at night for such nonsense. 🙂
Vitamin D is great, and so is caffeine. I have 2 to 3 caffeinated beverages a day. Tea is better as coffee tends to frazzle my nerves too much.
I talk to myself. I talk myself out of freaking out. This is especially helpful, along with Ativan, on planes. I hate planes.
I LOVED this blog, Jenny, and I shared it. I have a few friends who can relate. I hope today is much better. Hugs
I was very depressed for the last two days (I suspect an herbal menopause remedy I tried), and have been so relieved to read your blog, other blogs and commenters who have been having the same difficulty at the same time. Just knowing complete strangers are rooting for you, and that you can cheer for them in return when they’re down, has been uplifting. We really are all in this together. Thank you all so much for being here.
I love you and all of your crazy-as-me followers! 🙂 I love the links in the comments to funny or goofy things. I love the heart and soul that you give and others give in return. You are a hero even when you don’t feel like it! You are super special and you were put here to help hundreds and thousands of people know that they are not alone! Thank you.
I love it when you’re so vulnerably honest about these things, it makes me feel less alone and scared – it truly helps just to know that someone so successfull is also battling the same demons. (Which is also why Wil Wheaton is the bomb diggity imho) (one of the reasons) (shut up non-Wesley)
Instead of the rubber band thing I try to do housechores that are hard on my back (so I feel it easier) and that works. I’ve aquired playlists for almost all occasions now.
I thought I was crazy about the moon-thing, but more and more I feel particularly rollercoastery and there’s the full moon and I go “oh..”. it makes sense. One thing that always helps is watching rap battles and this sketch about two scots in a life (it’s called eleven) and I watch that till I start giggling.
Sometimes I just rant out on twitter and sometimes people throw logic at me, and that works too.
Most times engulfing myself in a fandom is the only thing that works. Potterhead-Whovian-Guildie etc.
Long reply is long, sorry Jen – but most of all – thank you for being you and writing these posts as openly as you do. I hope you find a ladder out of the hole, and have the turkeybutler carry you out 🙂
Thank you for writing this.
This comic helped yesterday a lot, because it has been my life lately. http://www.lunarbaboon.com/ I love my kids and my husband, frankly they are the only reason I haven’t given in and laid down my sword and stopped the fight against the ever present onslaught of depression, but in the same breath they are quite demanding sometimes. So that particular comic gave me a smile which helped a little. Still haven’t slept more than an hour a night in more than 3 weeks though.
If it’s Aqualung you want, Jethro Tull’s is the master: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCMS-NJ7VxU. Anyway, nice post and hope you feel better soon.
The full moon thing is definitely true. Most moms I know with kids on the autism spectrum (like mine is) notice a great uptick in challenging behaviors when the moon is full. My son is louder, more emotional, and generally a lot more challenging for the few days surrounding a full moon. What amazes me is that it took me so darn long to make the connection.
Thanks for continuing to write about depression. Awareness is everything, really.
If the moon can affect a body of water like the ocean, and our bodies are mostly water, it only makes sense that we it has an effect on our bodies, too.
Thank you for your continued openness and more making the effort to express something that feels truly empty and void.
http://m.ebay.com/itm/281234554746?nav=SEARCH&sbk=1
Do I see a butler outfit in this guys future?
Thank you <3
I’ve adopted a mantra for when things get really bad, or when I feel like they might. It takes all the strength I have, but I clear my head of all the ugliness, for just a minute, and repeat the words “Clarity, Strength, Joy.” I don’t know why it helps, but it does. Right now, when I’m feeling completely fine, it’s hard for me to even remember what it feels like not to believe in those three things, but in that critical moment, repeating those words over and over again is like making a promise to myself: I will feel good again.
I have recently fallen into a depression I haven’t seen the likes of in over 15 years. I arrogantly thought that it wouldn’t happen to me again, not like in my late teens, early 20s (when I was legally commited after two suicide attempts). But yet here I am. This time though, I have a child. I have something to fight for. So I actually got it together enough to see a shrink. She said something that jolted me: as a parent, you want to do the best you can by your child.
Think about all those negative thoughts and words in your head–the “I’m not good enough” “I don’t deserve to live” “I’m useless” “people hate me” “I’m completely alone”. Now, imagine if your child said those things to you. What would you tell him? You need to take care of that little girl inside your head. Tell her over and over again that you love her, tell her she’s beautiful, tell her she’s valuable, that’s she deserves love and support. That blew my mind right there. And now I’m crying at work, hoping no one approaches my desk.
I really needed this today. I woke up early this morning with all the anxiety from the past month built up. It was hard to go back to sleep and that’s just made the anxiety worse. When a big bad thing happened at work I called someone else to take over and left. I felt selfish, but I didn’t want to have a bigger breakdown than I may already have. I can handle some crying, not a big bawl fest.
But I’m watching Doctor Who and relaxing. And it’s reminded me of something my husband and I came up with a few years ago when we first started watching The Doctor. “Smile in the face of the Daleks”. Remember in the season finale of the first season 9 smiles and laughs in the face of the Daleks as he goes to save Rose? If he can smile in a time like that, I can as well. Especially when what I’m stressing out about is that things are going too well. I must be really messed up if that’s why I’m upset. Anyways, I hope you get out of this funk soon. Good luck! And thank you for putting this out there!
Whenever I feel like something is “just happening inside my head,” I think of Harry Potter’s death in the final book – he is having a conversation with Dumbledore at King’s Cross and asks “Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?” and Dumbledore replies “Of course it’s happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?”
When I’m struggling with sleep (due to the crap ton of health issues I have) – I’ve found that sticking the headphones in and listening to binaural beats works wonders – within 5 to 10 minutes, I’ve generally nodded off and into a very restful sleep.
just what I needed just when I needed it 🙂
thank you I worked in a pharmacy for several years and we always knew when a full moon was near or happening. Just because science hasn’t proved it yet doesn’t mean it’s not real. never having done a sleep study, I just took my sleep difficulties as part of my depression Which the doctor agreed with. You help a lot of people just letting us know we aren’t alone.
I tend to withdraw when I’m in a downward spiral as well, but funny, mindless things do help. I read Dave Barry books, watch stupid shows and read ridiculous things on the internet, like this: http://slightlyviral.com/beware-sugarless-gummy-bears-on-amazon-com/ Read the reviews and enjoy! 😉
Thank you for this. Thank you and thank all of your readers for sharing, for ideas, for commisserating which I am totally not going to check has to s’s. Or how to make s plural because probably it’s not s’s. For me, it’s music. Specifically, it’s 80s music that’ll get me smiling. And there’s a song from The Wiz called Brand New Day that does wonders for my mind. Right now, Pharrell’s Happy is on repeat along with Mary J Blige’s Fine OH MY GOD I AM SO BLACK. I can’t justify the expense of a lightbox just now but I know I need one and will find a way to get one eventually. The sun makes me feel something deep within slow down, spread out, open. I like it.
I love you guys so much. Thank you. You don’t know how wonderful it is to have you as a community. I’m so lucky.
Thank you for saying the things that a lot of others just can’t. I think. That there is something in the air as well as the full moon and it sucks. I think that lots of music, as much sun as you can stand and just some good, stupid laughs can help. I find that getting some exercise can really help too, even if it’s. Just a dance party in the kitchen. I sometimes forget, I the quest to be strong and in control, that it is not weakness to ask for help sometimes too.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/animals-that-cannot-even-handle-it-right-now
^Just stumbled on this, and it makes me laugh my ass off. I bookmarked it for future days where i”m stuck.
(I needed that. ~ Jenny)
As someone who regularly deals with general anxiety and bouts of depression, I can say that when I’m feeling downright dejected and emotionless it’s always the little things that pull me out of it. Like taking a bubble bath and focusing on how simple and GOOD the hot water feels on my skin. Or watching the bubbles pop until there are none left. Or going outside to watch the birds and noticing their weird little mannerisms. Most recently, I decided I had to just get up and do ANYTHING, so I went for a walk. And when I got outside I found myself just focusing on physical sensations, like the breeze or the smell of the leaves or a bird chirping, and before I knew what was happening I found myself smiling.
Most of all, it helps to remember, like you said Jenny, that it’s in my head but it’s still real. It’s a disease that I have to fight, and I CAN and WILL fight it. It’s something so many people struggle with, and when I feel like I’m losing my mind I remember that I know what it is and how to handle it, because I’ve been there hundreds of times before.
I just want everyone reading this to know that they are strong, and beautiful, and amazing, and they can fight this. That goes for you too, Jenny. You’re an amazing person, even when you don’t feel like you are, and I’m rooting for you.
This was indeed a very rough, rough Full Moon. No, it’s not crazy or anything. Maybe it’s mystical, maybe it’s Magickal, or maybe our Ancestors used the Full Moon to hunt so we think we need to be out killing things. But the January Full Moon is typically a rough one and to boot, Venus told us to go fuckourselves and is off possibly copulating with Mercury or something, so nothing even looks pretty. Sincerely, your Witchiest Fan!!!
Sometimes, when I fight just to force air into my lungs – it’s something as little as pushing my shoulders back that helps. The pic about the dancing is dead on. I’ll throw on the Violent Femmes and have a solo dance party – as long as I remember to pee beforehand, I don’t usually wet myself. I’m with April from above too – time to sing it out! You always make me smile Jenny – even in the midst of the angst. Thanks for that!
Jenny, thank you! I’ve been struggling with depression for years and I’m at a pretty low point lately. This nearly made me cry, which is odd because I’ve been numb and distant. My twitter handle is the same as my name on here (jenndesi). I have no idea how I’d help someone, but I am a good listener.
http://timeflieswhenyouarenotme.wordpress.com/
@terminallyRory or Geekdadrory@gmail.com or terminallyintelligent.wordpress.com I am here if you need me. Anyone. Seriously. I’m bat-shit crazy, and I’ve never met anyone I couldn’t talk to. Stalk my blog, email me, whatever. Know you aren’t alone. Hugs from my part of the world to the rest of you. Keep being awesome.
Felt bad for you after reading this…seems like people who have crazy highs also get crazy lows. I wanted to do something nice and find you a Turkey Butler. I was truly surprised when my efforts turned up nothing…Really, they have Hound Butlers and Distinguished looking Owls, but no TURKEY butler…Did come across a Turkey Chef, but felt bad because it was a Thanksgiving decoration. Did he have to cook the meal? That’s sick and twisted! But I figure you would prefer a Taxidermed Turkey Butler and I am guessing those are special order. For now I guess we have to find a different happy…
Good luck in your pursuit of happiness! I guess if you just keep it inside you, you wouldn’t have far to look.
I imagine that these posts help SO many people, that is so amazing! Not only that, but you’re raising awareness about mental illness which is so necessary for so many reasons. Kudos to you, know that you’ve made a difference.
I think you might have saved lives here. That should feel good. You deserve to feel good.
I suffered with PTSD shortly after my son’s transplant. I didn’t know how to cope, and I felt like a huge failure for having brought him into the world unhealthy, even though there was nothing I could have done to prevent his disease.
It took me two years to get it all straightened out, and sometimes I still have what I refer to as a “flare”. There are smells and times of the year that can completely trigger a “relapse”. It’s ugly, especially since I know there’s no “logical” reason for me to be depressed or anxious. He is a healthy, happy, normal 10-year-old now, and I need to focus on that instead of the near-death he had as a three-month-old. And yet, the emotional side of my brain sits there staring at the logical side of my brain, and the emotional side says, “No hablo Inglés!”
I can’t imagine having more than the occasional relapse. I wish there was something I could offer beyond my hope that this, too, shall pass for you.
Thank you. I’ve been an occasional reader for a long time, but I needed to read this today. I’ve been struggling badly with self-esteem issues and had a particularly tricky session with my therapist this week that had me in a bit of a slump. I know I’m not the only one with these problems – intellectually! – but reading about it from someone who really does get it is amazing.
Keep being kind to you. The moon will wane and you’ll sleep better soon. I hope!
Do you have a place that gives tips on helping friends with depression? I went through depression myself while I was in college, but it was based in bad decisions I was making and the bad situations I stayed in at the time and when I wised up and quit mistreating myself the depression left. So…I really don’t know how to talk to friends who are depressed through no fault of their own. I feel like my expressions of love and support aren’t good for much when they’re in the midst of their own “hole” which might just be projection from remembering my own hole.
Oh Jenny, you have no idea how much I needed to read this. It’s got to the point that I don’t want to skype with my mom anymore because I feel guilty about my thoughts of not being here anymore. And some people are so caring and think the world of me although I feel like a piece of shit sometimes,
Also as an advice, I find it easier to get through things if I make goals no matter how small or big: read that one novel, graduate, go to a certain country. I know depression makes it feel like you’ll never do these things but it really helps. Also keep things in perspective-last time you got out of it and it’s going to happen again.
you are amazing, and this is what i needed to hear this month. i have everything going for me right now, and no joy in any of it. but this too shall pass, and DEPRESSION LIES.
thank you.
This is amazing and exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you thank you thank you.
As another person who lives with depression, it helps to know you aren’t alone and to have so many people standing up and saying “You know what, I have depression and it sucks and it’s an illness and we aren’t weak or shitty because of it”. It helps to have that honesty and to have communication, to be able to reach out to others who understand. Thank you for sharing your own journeys and for shining a light in to the darkness.
For my own way to handle the lying bastard I:
Get out in the sun – take the dog on a walk or just lay my ass in a chair with a book. Soak up that vitamin D.
Watch stupid cat videos on the internet.
Take a hot shower and let it wash the junk out of my head; bawl or yell or sing or whatever I need to do because that’s my own personal sacred space and my way to cleanse.
Paint my nails some insane glittery ridiculous unicorn fart colors and smile at how awesomely silly that is.
Talking it out – with my spouse, with a friend, with the cats or the dog… anyone that’ll listen and not judge.
I needed this more than you’ll ever know. I’m in the “hole” right now as well. It’s my first time and I’ve never been this scared in my life. Thank you for this little bit of hope 🙂
When I’m down I’ve found distracting myself helps: I draw, I crochet… I make things.
Oh and sleep… sleep helps…. lots and lots of sleep.
http://guywhocrochets.wordpress.com/
@luv2filibuster
Like she said, I find it hard to help others when I’m in the hole myself (and I sure as hell am right now). It’s hard to offer emotional support, but in this state what I can do is give practical recommendations – things like books, links to websites, other resources, and my own emotionally-dead but scientific advice and/or personal anecdotes. (Or we can just complain together. I’m always up for that.)
Whenever I am down & need a laugh, I can always count on this – http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/ – to make me LMAO every time! You are funny & brave & totally, uniquely YOU. Hope the hole you are in isn’t so deep today!! We love reading your blog & sounds like many of us readers can relate. Thanks for the insight on the “full moon phenomenon.” I’m having another super-bitchy case of PMS today, coupled with a rip-roaring side of I-hate-being-a-mom-somedays. Perhaps the full moon is working me over as well!? Put a unicorn horn on your cat, listen to some relaxing “jizz” (JK) & remember we adore you.
I told my husband that suicide was a dick move. He looked at me like I was a little off my rocker, and then I proceeded to tell him how my life would not be improved if he wasn’t in it, and how I would then kill my self and haunt his ghost for all eternity for being so much of a selfish asshole to kill himself. Bitchy, yes, but I made an impression. I also put him on a gluten free diet, and that has helped the sleep and ADD a lot. Lastly, he prefers British panel shows like 8 out of 10 cats, Countdown, and QI when he needs cheering up. I highly recconend them. Your not the only one feeling this way right now, I think January is making everyone’s regular shit a thousand times shittier. Thanks for posting this.
Thank you for this post. I remember reading something you wrote previously about depression being a liar and it helped me more than I can say. It’s not quite as helpful but here’s some thing I wrote on coping with depression http://talesofthemildlydiscombobulating.wordpress.com/2013/04/18/listen-to-the-good-voices/. I wrote it when I was still in quite a bad place but just writing it helped me find some humour in the darkness
I very much needed to see this today. Thank you.
You’re awesome, Jenny.
It’s my birthday today. Thanks for this gift. 🙂
(Happy birthday, sweetness. ~ Jenny)
(sorry for adding another comment to my already lengthy reply)
also, when I was preg and in hospital the nurses said there were always more pasients around full moon.
also 2: also got PTSD, not really open about it, but people like you being open about it makes it easier for people like me – so thanks again for that. <3
So many people talking about how singing loudly and badly is helpful. This is one of my favorite songs for this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUe3oVlxLSA
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUe3oVlxLSA&w=560&h=315]
i was feeling depressed after the holidays and my wedding – coming off a high is hard. but what ALWAYS helps me is helping others. giving to give without wanting anything in return. it’s a beautiful thing. and so are you.
I didn’t know I needed that but I did. I also learned something new (intrusive alpha waves). And lastly, you are special and so I thank you for this.
Thank you, Jenny. Sometimes at the right moment it sinks in that I’m not alone in this journey with the “crazy’s”. I’m not alone .Sometimes it feels desperately so that my brain doesn’t work right. I just don’t think it’s fair. My obsessions, my impulsive reactions and suicidal tendencies, my paranoia and debilitating anxieties, the ups the downs the “who the hell am I?????”. I don’t like talking about it because it embarrasses me terribly. It’s so real yet not. Been trying to get meds to work but the side effects, like I’m not in my body, terrorize me. I hate it but I hate it without. Thank you for your voice. It helps me to hang in there to know someone “gets it”. I don’t know if you know how much that means to me but…it’s huge. I’m usually a lurker but I just wanted to let you know. Back to lurking. ;0)
Thank you for the tips, all sound great. Yesterday I got my separation letter. My company is eliminating the area of the business where I have worked for 20 years. Over the last several years 300+ really good people have lost their job, many of these folks were my people. It is like a long slow death. I am one of the last to go, I have been working from a home office for the last couple of years. It sucks. It is so isolating, I miss my people, I miss seeing them everyday, hearing about their families, teasing each other and having fun. But its all gone now, I have to find a new job and so far no interest. I know I’m worth something but at times I seriously doubt myself. I feel broken, defeated. I’m trying but find myself stuck so much of the time. I’m sorry that my family has to see this, that I am not whole and the person I should be right now. They say they have faith in me but I need to have faith in me and I don’t right now, not even a little bit. I have to get through this somehow. I need this to be over. Thank you for giving me hope. KimmyRas on Twitter.
(Job loss is one of the most horrible things you ever have to go through. It’s in the top most stressful things that happen to people. If you can survive this, you can survive anything. And you can survive this. ~ Jenny)
I started taking Trazadone 10 or 11 years ago to prevent nighttime jaw-clenching (all-day tension headaches suck) and haven’t had a night of insomnia since. A couple of things to consider, however.
1) I enjoy the vivid dreams that it gives me, but it can be severely off-putting to some.
2) You really need to have the time to get roughly 8 hours of sleep in when you take it–try to get up too early and you will be dizzy and wobbly (do NOT drive in this condition!).
3) This is not an occasional drug and the withdrawals are a bitch if you can’t/forget to take it. For me, I skip one day and I get dizzy, two days and I start to hallucinate, vomit, lose time, and scare my friends and family.
I fell deep in the hole last weekend when a bit of grief that I had been putting off rose up and triggered me. It super-sucked because usually sadness is not a component of my depression so it was a double whammy. I spent a lot of time in a hot rosemary/mint bubble bath up to my neck (I learned about overflow covers on your Oprah for poor people post comments!) listening to music and podcasts and audiobooks.
When I’m not quite so deep, I take myself out of my head by reading and gaming. I sleep a lot (lack of sleep is one of my triggers) with purring cats (life’s little anti-depressants). Instead of cable TV, I pay weekly to go to the massage school for a full-body massage by the students which makes me feel relaxed and content at least once a week.
The line I needed the most from this post today? “You can be mentally ill and still be a good person.”
I recently had an anxiety attack in front of not-very-close friends, and have been dealing with the humiliation and awkwardness of that. The line helped soothe some of the hurt.
(I’ve done that before. It’s more awkward for them, not knowing how to help. It’s scary for everyone involved the first time it happens. They still love you though. Good friends always do. Talk to them and tell them how they can help next time. That helped my friends. ~ Jenny)
Where the hell have you been most of my adult life?! For those of you that have never had depression or anything…I can speak from experience that Jenny if pretty much hitting the nail on the head. I am lucky that my depression is nearly gone, I still struggle but not with the intensity or frequency that I use to. Still, listen to what she says. The whole, “Depression lies.” should be a f**kin’ bumper sticker and placed strategically around the world to remind everyone who needs reminding. Anyway…well said as many of the other post clearly have already stated.
Thank you so much for this post. It is seriously just what I needed to hear today.
I have a few go-tos when I feel the darkness creeping in. My first is to find a comfort read and lose myself in it; escaping from my own problems into someone else’s for a few hours seems to help put things in perspective. I tend towards romance for comfort reads (Nora Roberts is highly reliable) or YA fantasy (Harry Potter, Narnia, LoTR, etc). I keep a selection of these books on the bookshelf by the bed so it’s easier to make myself get one when even that is a struggle.
The second thing I do is find a place to read my book. Sometimes it’s in bed or sometimes it’s on the couch. If I’m laying down, I always try to crack the blinds to let in a little natural light, curl up with comfortable blankets, and make the cat sit with me. If things aren’t too bad, I often go outside with my book. I doesn’t get that cold here in Alabama so there are really only 2 or 3 months where I can’t do that. I grab a lawn chair and sit in the middle of my driveway because it gets the most sun.
I find that comfort and routine tends to help. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to take a sick day because of my depression, but I have no qualms about doing so. Taking a mental health day is necessary for survival sometimes. On those days, I sleep, read, take long, too hot baths, and watch Disney movies, Bones, and The Big Bang Theory. Routine and comfort works for me.
I came across this post on Twitter. I am so very glad I chose to read it. I have been facing my own struggles in dealing with mental illness and have spent my life isolating that mental illness to a deep dark corner of myself, so nobody else understands it, and so I can try to hide from it. Recently, I’ve been ready to give up hiding and start dealing with the troubles I have. This post gives me the motivation I need to keep fighting for my mental health.
Thank you.
I agree completely with the moon-correlation; I’ve been in an increasing funk this week, You say when you are in this place, you aren’t able to help others but you are so wrong — posts like these bring tears to my eyes because I can relate in a lot of ways You help so much in sharing your experiences with us. “Daring Greatly” indeed, Bloggess. You are indeed the warrior struggling in the arena, striving valiantly. And we are right there with you [but in a supportive sisters-got-your-back kind of way, not in the creepy stalker kind of way 😉 ].
This is what got me through this week: http://www.usatoday.com/story/weather/2014/01/14/winter-half-over/4475837/ I think the Meteorlogical Half Winter is my new favorite holiday.
I thought I was just moody, but it’s amazing how much your advice helps what I think of as my seasonal blues. I wrote this about it. http://breakingground.wordpress.com/2013/10/30/sad/
Thank you so much.
This post made me cry. I think there’s something wrong with me.
I’m afraid to see a doctor, but it’s moot because even though regular medical doctors are free to see in Canada, the last two I tried to talk to were no help at all; barely listened to me and prescribed me some weird meds after talking to them for about 10 minutes (and the meds made me feel much worse). And now that I’ve lost my job, I can’t afford meds, or a shrink.
Now I self-medicate with booze, because it’s something I can afford.
I don’t know why I’m typing all of this here.
I started a happiness book. When things are good I write down what makes me happy and how that feels. Like “Just realized that it would be funnier if Hammie broke his leg instead of Bree. I feel brilliant and bubbly inside.” Then, when I’m depressed and can’t remember ONE THING that I did that made me happy, or ONE TIME I felt good I pick up my happiness book and read the things I wrote there. It’s not a magic bullet but it lifts my spirits and focuses me on the positive. It reminds me what happiness is and who I am when I’m not depressed.
Wow, I have the exact same sleep disorder! I got a C-Pap, which helped a lot, though it took me 2 years of hating it, avoiding it, and resenting it before I got to accepting it and not being able to function without it. When I manage to exercise it also makes me feel better, though it’s very hard to drag a gelatinous lump of gloom to the gym. Still, Jim manages it about 80% of the time. The other 20% he just walks me around the block, which also manages to help. Thanks for reminding people of all the resources at their disposal. It’s hard to remember when you’re down that you have options. In solidarity,
I’m one of those “I don’t think I’m really depressed” people but there is definitely a cycle to my low points. I’ve learned to make taking care of me a priority in the sense of saying “no” as much as I can to church, work, and social obligations and saving myself for me and my family, especially my 6yo daughter. I am by no means a hermit but I have only so much energy and time. This is why what you do IS so amazing; you are helping others even if you think you are hiding behind a computer. Other stuff:
–the shrink, yes, and yes to changing until you find the right one
–as much as possible eat right
–take a shower, no matter what
–get outside, if even for a minute
–spend time on your hobby; my depression’s biggest lie is that I don’t deserve to spend time quilting, but quilting brings me joy
If you like Little Britain, you may also like French & Saunders, if you haven’t seen it yet. Two amazingly funny women.
Thank you.
I want to give you a hug. Not in a creepy stalkerish way. Unless you don’t like hugs, I would just sit awkwardly with you and hope it helps. 🙂
Thanks for posting this, Jenny. I think one possible antidote was that video you posted yesterday. I had it up on my screen for probably an hour, and it helped me through a difficult phone call.
I’ve had problems with depression and anxiety for years. I was suicidal for a while, but I got over that, fortunately. The last 3 years or so I’ve had Fibromyalgia and sleep problems, both of which affect me mentally as well as physically. The depression/anxiety thing gets worse when I think about money (I’m not bringing much in because I can’t work) and how my mind seems to be degrading.
The thing that works best for me when I’m in a depression or panic attack is to distract myself. It feels like it’s just pushing it down the road, but later I can better able to deal with things.
Purely Platonic Virtual Hugs.
I think this winter has been particularly hard for us depression folks. I and several of my friends have commented on how the lack of light and intensity of cold has contributed to an overall “meh” feeling about life. Everything’s just kind of flat right now. I know it will get better, but it’s frustrating to be back at that place again after a long time of doing well.
I will add that if you’re watching shows, be careful what/what season you watch. Typically, I enjoy Doctor Who. But last week I was watching the end of Season 4 and it didn’t help my sadness. In fact, it amplified it. “Journey’s End” in particular set off a wave of tears that wouldn’t end and a slump that lasted a couple of days. Be aware of what you’re watching, and don’t try anything new unless you’re pretty sure of spoilers on how things will turn out.
You are an inspiration to all of us. I have terrible anxiety and only occasional depression, but the depression feels SO MUCH WORSE to me, so intractable and like it’ll never go away. Hyperbole and a half’s Depression part two made me laugh and cry at the same time, the way your posts often do.
Thank you for being our heroine, Jenny, and for making us realize that depression lies.
Jenny, we are real people in real life, and you do help us every single day. You’re not hiding behind a computer when you lay your guts out on the table for the whole world to see. My mother always used to say that “you do the best you can with what you have” as well. I always thought that was such a cop-out until I was old enough to understand. Truer words were never spoken. We all do the best we can with the tools we’re given.. And boy does it help to find others in the same boat who’ll let you use their tools as well.
I hate the holidays. My husband works every Thanksgiving day because he is in the grocery industry so I end up spending the entire day cooking for three of us to have a 20 minute meal. My birthday is smack in the middle of December and it is such a rough time of year for me I end up hating my birthday. I get to Christmas Day and have no joy because it has been torturous getting there. By New Years all I care about is getting the Christmas decorations away and getting my living room back from the chaos. My kiddo was born Jan. 5 and I’m so exhausted mentally from trying to get through the holidays and make them enjoyable for everyone else and not let them know how much I hate this crap that I severely struggle with her birthday. She’s still young so there is party planning and invitations and presents and dinners and goodie bags and cakes to bake and RSVPs. Hubs’ birthday is Monday and I’m just done. I have dragged my carcass through 2 full months of celebrating and I’m almost at the finish line but I’m SO TIRED and I’m struggling with why I’m putting so much effort into planning shit for his birthday when he doesn’t care. THAT is why January is so depressing for me. I just want a month off to sleep.
3 more days. Deep breath. I can do this.
I needed this today. My husband rolled my Mini Cooper (he’s perfectly fine) on Sunday. It was like a pill to make my meds not work anymore. Thanks for the post and the emails when I needed them. {HUGS}
I use essential oils. particularly peppermint. i put some on my wrist and when my anxiety gets bad, i smell it and it helps pull me out of my hole for one minute.
p.s. i needed this today. thank you.
Thank for this! As a thriver of depression myself and a helping professional, I admire your authentic bravery and tips! I dance, every day. Stupid, fun dance to my happy songs. It helps amazingly. Also love to click through http://www.24hoursofhappy.com to see joy.
Jenny – So sorry you’re struggling right now. You always cheer me up. In an effort to repay the favor, I think I’ve found your house. Please check this out!
http://www.desiretoinspire.net/blog/2014/1/17/drama.html
OMG! As if the doll head kitchen isn’t enough, the piece de resistance has got to be the squirrel sconces in the bedroom. Who doesn’t need those?!?
Thank you for this post. I was wondering why I was having a tough time this week. I am so glad I found you and your blog so I can remember that depression lies when I don’t have the strength to remind myself.
We love you, Jenny. I love you particularly because you write what I feel like I can’t. I have been in such a hole. I had a full week of flat on my back reading about medieval history because, odd as this sounds, it made me so fucking glad I live in a time of medicine and treatment for everything from an infection to my mood regulators. The meds aren’t perfect and sometimes I feel like I am chasing that goddamn white rabbit but we’ve lost the hole to Wonderland (which may actually be good because Wonderland always sounded a bit like how acid trips sound to me) but I just keep chasing. Sometimes I crawl. But I still crawl. I suppose that’s why I am here.
Magnesium as a supplement or as a salt bath has ENORMOUS positive effect on physical fatigue and mood. I found a study where a lab increased magnesium intake for lab rats who had untreatable depression — here is the study: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19944540 Effervescent magnesium (you can get at the health store or HEB If you’re in TX) is very helpful. For me, I find baths or topical to be best – epsom salt is crystalized magnesium. If you can’t take a long soak, what I do when I am pressed for time is to mix the dry salt with a little water and some bath gel, get out of the stream of water, and spread it on my body and let it sit for at least 30 seconds. Not as good as the bath but still gets some absorption. Thank you for sharing, Jenny. You inspire me so much.
You beautiful woman. Thanks for sharing your list, and although you think you aren’t helpful to others while in the hole this proves that you are in fact, a HUGE help to a select group of wonderful misfit people proudly belonging to your tribe. Allow yourself the pat on the back for yet another item to add to your list. WRITE about it.
Things that have worked in my world:
Trazadone ~ sleep is necessary and this makes it possible
Music – because duh
B vitamins
Exercise
Forcing myself to focus on hobbies/creative pursuits because it also forces the tape loop in my head to stop if I have to CONCENTRATE on getting past a writers block or to make something with my hands.
Oh and the best one ~ 16 hugs per day, or at least as close as I can get to that number.
Thank you Jenny, I’m in the hole too. It makes me feel better to know that I’m not the only one. My life seems to be crashing down around me but I’m gonna keep picking up the pieces, because I have to. Thank you.
My lowest point was when I was 17. I spent months trying to find the easiest way to end everything without hurting my mom or breaking the promise to my friend. I’m 20 now and still not sure what got me out of that place, but I know what it’s like to be happy again. I still have bad days and question everything. I still get shockingly upset about the stupidest things. But now I understand depression lies and that I need to stick around to prove it, sort of out of spite for it. “YOU WON’T GET ME YET YOU STUPID ILLENESS.” I almost typed “asshole illness” but then realized how it sounded.
Things that have helped me or others? The Butterfly Project. Draw a butterfly in permanate marker where you hurt yourself and name it after somebody you love. If you hurt yourself or wash it off before it fades naturally, the butterfly died. The hospital helped one of my best friends with an eating disorder. I write poetry. Dark poetry. But it lets me vent my feelings in a way a lot of people can’t handle listening to.
I’m one of the people who can. If you need to talk, my twitter is @whenalionsleeps and my email is petinax_puella@hotmail.com
Talking is scary. I didn’t go into details with my boyfriend until a few months ago and we’ve known each other three years. But talking is one of the best thing you can do. It’s a way to fight back for yourself, the survivors, and the victims.
2014, so far, has sucked, mostly because I’ve got a cough that I just can’t shake and it’s left me exhausted. Job is also demoralizing but financially necessary — and I feel quite the hypocrite complaining about my job because (i) it pays well, (ii) it’s in the field I wanted, and (iii) usually it’s quite interesting — but it still feels like a big fat dead end. I’m starting to realized that I’ve fallen into a big hole, and that is rather shocking since, although I’m not always a “glass half full” type of person, I am usually a “well, at least I didn’t spill half a glass all over everything” person. Now I just want to throw the glass against the wall and leave the shards lying there while I sleep until spring. What helps? Nyquil — at least I can sleep some with the cough. Grapefruit — I would eat nothing else, if my body would function on a solely grapefruit diet — both the scent and the taste are just perfect. Watching “American Pickers” on the History channel — like a cross between Hoarders and Antique Roadshow.
I love how candid this post is. Great advice for illnesses we would rather not discuss. Hope you’re feeling better as the sun shines on you.
First of all, Jenny, thank you for this. All of it. I spent the better part of the last year really deep in the hole, and even when I felt completely alone, it was posts like this that reminded a small fraction of my brain that it was only depression TELLING me I was alone. You’re a light for all of us.
Second, I can’t agree more how important is to ask someone for help. Even just one person to have as an ally. I felt SO guilty at first about putting the burden on someone else, especially when I was so low that nothing could really get through, but having a friend there to remind me that I was still the same person, just sick for the time being, probably helped me more than anything else. Not to mention the practical side of helping with medication, making sure I was eating when I didn’t want to, and dragging me outside after weeks of hibernation. My best friend probably saved my life.
I have posted in the comments quite a few times. I have (not going to say “suffer from,” because I’m not suffering) pretty severe social anxiety issues and have had more than my share of full-blown panic attacks. I’ve also been in the hole a few times in my life. But it has made me a stronger person and a person that loves herself more for the care she can provide to others.
If you ever need somebody to talk to, my Twitter handle is kimberleybear. I’m not on Twitter a lot, but if you reach out to me on there I will give you my email and a willing ear. You are never, never alone.
@MizWeirdo, you know you’re in trouble and you’re not doing the right thing, that’s why you typed that. I self-medicated for a time myself, but it always causes more problems than it solves. There’s nothing wrong with you that can’t be fixed with patience and a bit of help. You obviously didn’t get the right doctors. They can be hard to find. The right meds can be even harder to find. Everyone’s chemistry is different and it can take a while to get on the right thing. You have to keep trying. If regular doctors are free to see, see ALL OF THEM until you find someone who will listen to you. If you can’t afford meds, ask for samples. Demand that somebody help you until someone does. You cannot give up on yourself. Write down all your symptoms and come in with a freaking list and a plan. Don’t let them deny you or steamroll you or just try to get you out of their hair. Ask around and see if anyone you know or who is near you has a doctor that doesn’t suck. Read reviews online–that’s how I found most of mine. Keep knocking on doors and kicking and screaming until you get help. I’m serious. Try the meds, and if they don’t work, go back and say you need something else and this, this, and this is why. Be your own advocate. Yes, this is absolutely exhausting sometimes, but with the way doctors can be anymore you have to do this for yourself. If you have family or friends you can lean on, lean. If you have someone you trust enough to go with you to the doctor to be sure you’re heard, take them. You are not broken. You are not bad. You will get better. Please don’t give up.
The last few days have been so bad for me. This post was inspiring, touching and made me cry… shocker, right? xoxo Thank you!
Me too, Jenny. Me too.
Create art, even bad art, even art you don’t want to show someone
Write your story down. It matters.
Go for a walk. Breathe deep.
Send thank-you notes (this sounds dumb and it’s hard, but just telling someone you love them and are grateful for them helps immensely. Trust me.)
Stretch
Twitter: @gigigriffis. I’m there for any of you who need me.
I don’t know if you’ve had a chance to see Amanda Palmer’s latest Tumblr post – the song by John Grant she posted seems relevant:
http://amandapalmer.tumblr.com/post/73594592947/i-dont-usually-beg-here-on-tumblr-but-i-beg
“This pain –
It is a glacier moving through you
And carving out deep valleys
And creating spectacular landscapes
And nourishing the ground
With precious minerals and other stuff
So don’t you become paralyzed with fear
When things seem particularly rough”
Thank you for being real. I found this today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOHGdt0UgrU
From “Who’s Line Is It Anyway?” — a compilation of Scenes From A Hat. During the first 5 minutes I was laughing my ass off.
The moon definitely affects me. I didn’t know it had to do with sleep, but that is interesting because I have fibromyalgia and some studies say that people with FM never get to REM sleep, so no wonder I feel even shittier when it’s a full moon.
I have been fighting to stay out of this black hole since before Christmas, and some days I end up in the fetal position on my bed, clenching my teeth for hours. Some days I get shit done. Today I put on a bra and considered that a great success.
My son was diagnosed with depression and anxiety this past year, and that just breaks my heart. I cannot imagine being 11 years old and feeling the way I feel. Although, I was diagnosed at 14, so I guess I kind of can, I just don’t want to.
I bought Allie’s book for myself for Christmas, and I love it of course. My husband is reading it and I hope it helps him understand this disease a little more (not that he’s not great, he just doesn’t really get it).
This is the longest and most rambling comment I think I’ve ever left on a blog post. My twitter is Steph@DontChewGlass, and I can’t even remember why I’m putting that here, but I think you said to. Dammit.
Jenny, you are awesome and brave and the first person I ever knew to be so open about mental illness. I hope one day I’m as brave as you are – no chance on being as awesome! hugs
Thank you so much for all you do for people with depression. I think you make us all feel better.
My favorite Harry Potter quote is, “Of course it’s happening in your head, Harry. But why on earth should that mean it isn’t real?”
There will be a special place in heaven for you for posting this essay. It will help SO many people, but I’ll be grateful if it can help me, too. When I’m in the hole, I can’t see the light. Thank you for sharing your struggles, for telling me to love myself, and for reminding us that others will miss me even when I think I have made no impact on this world. Sending you hugs!
I love your cheek-hurting-from-smiling-so-hard-funny posts, but I also really love it when you share these ones. I hope you find your way out of the hole soon, you strange and beautiful soul.
This is truely my favorite post on this subject. I’m not a religious person unless I’m depressed. At those times I literally pray for death and can’t understand why whatever higher being there is hasn’t let me die yet. I couldn’t commit suicide but I am a self harm kind of person. My cycle runs from depressed to pissed off that I’m not dead and the self harm tries to take over. At these times I read your posts I have book marked. That’s what helps me. You do and I love you dearly for helping us all with these issues while coping with your own. Your an amazing person Jenny! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I’ve never commented before but after reading your post today I thought I might. I suffer from bipolar and depression and am so happy to see that you’re posting tips for those of us who suffer, usually silently. Thank you for being an advocate and taking the stigma out of mental illness.
I do believe the power of the sunlamp. The hubby’s family suffers from S.A.D.S. We break out the sunlamps in the winter and turn them on to blast everyone during breakfast. It helps. As for the power of laughter, I turn to this ridiculously silly youtube video. You just can’t help but smile and laugh. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjXi6X-moxE
Can’t thank you enough, Jenny. I bet you saved a life or two today.
I don’t know you personally, but I read your posts whenever they come out so it’s like I talk to you more often than most if my family. I read this today and burst into tears. Sometimes it justs helps an incredible amount to know your not alone. Empathy can come from so far away. I also have alpha intrusion (a very made up sounding condition that people don’t understand including myself) along with bipolar 2, and postulate orthastatic tachycardia syndrome. I had no clue about the full moon thing, but I am normally under pretty good control of things now, however, this last week has been terrible. So, thank you for reminding me I am not alone, people do understand, and it will get better. It really does mean so much.
<3 Chelsea
I needed this today. Thank you so so so much.
I just have to say that your crazy cocaine-addled taxidermy deer made me laugh so hard I forgot I was feeling hopeless. And then my cat came up and gave me kisses. Cats and deer for the win haha
Jenny, you are good and kind. I had a couple of really bad few days this month. my shrink smiled and said “how did you feel all the other times?” It’s true, i need to allow myself a couple of bad days now and then. Read “Ordinary People,” made such an impact on my life (movie after.) And if you ever want to talk, I’m always here. From your Facebook Friend, Laurie F. hibernationnow.wordpress.com
As another fellow sufferer, I thought I would share a few more things that help me on the off chance they help someone else. 400 milligrams of SAMe (S-adenosylmethionine) in the morning helps reduce my depression and anxiety, and also my joint pain. I have to take the Vitamin Shoppe brand because most formulations have mannitol in them which causes me (and lots of other people) severe gastrointestinal distress. Also I take large doses of B-complex. Without the B-complex, my depression and anxiety hit paralytic levels pretty quickly. As most formulations make me incredibly nauseous, I was thrilled when I discovered Garden of Live Raw B-Complex. Nice not to have to choose between being sick to my stomach all the time and being too anxious and depressed to function. The two supplements are not a totally cure, but they help quite a bit. Still lots of other bits to the formula to try to achieve and maintain “normal” functioning: exercise, plenty of clean water, alcohol and sugar avoidance, eating regularly to keep blood sugar up, sunshine, getting enough good sleep, trying to keep outside stressors to a minimum, etc. It is helpful to know I am not as alone as I often feel. Oh, I have also found that sitting somewhere quiet and peaceful and cuddling a furry critter that enjoys being cuddled (dog, cat, bunny, rat, or whatever) can be incredibly soothing to me during an anxiety attack. Watching cute animals playing, even if just a video, can help ease depression. At least for me. I’ve been struggling more than usual lately and it has helped me to read this blog and the responses and know it isn’t just me. Thanks to all of you and I hope we all feel better.
Thank you for this gift from you to us. At this point I have no one to talk to, so that leaves you. Your words mean so much, they tell me that SOMEONE understands. Thank you.
Every time you post something like this, it makes me feel so much better about everything. We seem to have very similar mental health cycles, which might be sorcery or the moon. But I always need to hear that I’m not crazy and I’m not alone. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. <3
I have PTSD and a whole slew of fun stuff that goes along with that. And I never know if I’m doing anything right coping wise, but these things help me:
Writing. Even if it’s terrible, even if it’s a grocery list. The last anxiety attack I had, I sat down and wrote everything that was happening in my head and all of the anger and frustration I was feeling and cried hysterically the entire time. Crying got me tired enough to fall asleep, which always helps. When I was feeling better a few days later, I sat down and read what I wrote. When I was feeling a bout of anxiety a few days later, it helped me to slow down and examine everything and I was able to get out of it faster.
Letting myself do something stupid. Buy that dress you don’t really need. Eat that bag of crisps. Order the Thai food. I give myself permission to do the thing that I really want to give myself that bit of happiness.
Making up stupid names for when I’m having an attack. My old roommate and I came up with this system and it works really well. When I was feeling rough and she was due home, I would text her ‘fucking sasquatches’. She knew I was in a bad place and the phrase made me smile. We were both better equipped to handle it.
TV Therapy. My therapist has fully endorsed this. I throw myself into Downton Abbey and I forget that something is wrong with me because O’BRIEN IS SUCH A TWAT. It works for me with Sherlock, Perception, and Criminal Minds as well.
I think I might have to write my own post about this. Sharing coping mechanisms has to be a coping mechanism.
Thank you for sharing this important post. I have struggled with depression on and off, my postpartum was particularly scary. I’ve had to ask people to watch over me so I wouldn’t hurt myself, even though logically I knew I didn’t want to. Having a committee in one’s head does make life more stressful, and I have been having to learn to tell those in my head that are feeding my depression to fuck off, because they drown out the little voice of hope, and of reason, and of happiness. Laughing is such good therapy, as is exercise, so I try to make those my go to. I seem to never tire of Drunk History on youtube, Modern Family on TV, oh and cooking shows on cable. They don’t make me laugh but they get me out of my head. I think the mantra that helps me most is, “Tomorrow is a new day.” Even the most royally fucked up day ends. Thank you for the reminder. And that shit about the moon is totally true. Whenever I am feeling abnormally punchy, as in I want to punch someone in the throat, I always look at the moon, and it is ALWAYS full when I feel that shit.
Ugh, thank you! This week has been a rough one!
Thank you for the affirmation. I am avoiding removing the Christmas decorations because I know the depression comes when I do….. I’ll do it when the days are longer and the sun shines more like spring, my happy time!
A powdered magnesium drink called “Calm” helps me sleep, as does melatonin. The other thing that helps me fall asleep is listing, in my head, every thing I’m thankful for, though nothing complicated that will get the thoughts going too much – the pillow, the bed, the sheets, the roof, the ceiling fan, the cat purring… I suppose it’s like counting sheep with a layer of gratitude thrown in. Next thing I know, I’m asleep.
As for drugs, I’m glad I’m not the only one who ups my dosage when I know I need to, and I’m lucky to have a doc who supports that theory. I also find taking a Mega Stress vitamin B-complex helps, too, and a D-3. And I agree with whomever said showering. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it makes me cry, but it always makes me feel better, even if only a little bit.
For ADD, there is now a product called Vayarin that is getting good reviews. They call it a “nutritional food” but it’s still just a pill – just has some naturally occurring elements in it, I believe. For me it’s less intense than some of the other stuff, but that’s what I wanted.
I second the sunshine lamp vote, too. I’m always surprised by how much it helps.
Jenny, I’m convinced that you save lives when you write posts like this one. At the very least, you give hope and remedies to those who might be too scared, or too down, to do anything more than read your blog. I understand fully that all the rah-rahs in the world won’t pull you or anyone else out of a hole when you’re in it, but if you’ve ever wondered, “does my life mean anything? do I make a difference in this world?” – I’m damn sure that you do.
I attended a talk years ago given by a man who had bipolar disorder. He talked about how, when he was in a depressive phase, people would tell him to count his blessings and look at everything he had going for him. His response was: “Exactly. Look at how much I have going for me, and yet I STILL FEEL THIS WAY!” That’s what depression is. You don’t need an external reason to feel the way you do, because it has to do with brain chemistry. There is help available, though, and you don’t have to go on feeling this way! (I do think it can help to keep in mind that the people who give you platitudes like “count your blessings” generally mean well and just don’t know any better.)
Regarding self-harm, some alternatives to cutting that I have learned about include running a paintbrush over your arms, or using a sugar scrub on your arms. Doing this can stimulate your nerve endings and have a similar effect on your brain to the effects of cutting. (However, if you still have healing wounds, you will probably want to skip the sugar scrub until the wounds are healed, and make sure that the paintbrush is clean.)
This was exactly what I wish I could have written for a close friend who is struggling with her depression this week. Thank you for being such a comfort and inspiration to those of us who live with mental illness. And the stuff about the full moon makes perfect sense. My sleep has been shit this week.
@BipolarMomLife & @ThisIsMyBrave are my handles and every Wednesday from 9-10pm EST we’re hosting #BraveChat – real people coming together to have a supportive conversation about mental illness, in case anyone is interested in joining in.
PS. LOVE that Sara Bareilles song. She’s sortof my hero. (www.thisismybrave.com) is my baby, but her song provided a huge spark for me to get it off the ground.
One more thing…..about smiling. I have had a saying, since 8th grade, that helps shake my brain a bit: “smile even tho you are depressed, you will be happy soon.” Helps sometimes.
Fuck, I love you. I love your honesty. Be strong and know that you are loved and appreciated. There have been lives saved by this little piece of the net.
I’ve been unemployed since July and it’s a lonely occupation. You feel like such a loser even if they do tell you it was because of budget reasons. It’s not personal. It feels personal though. What helps me is blogging and this blog and most of all the book Hyperbole and a Half. I carry it around like a Bible. Whenever I feel down I flip through the colorful pages and find my favorite story. I recommend it to everyone!
Thank you. Thank you for being honest with us. Thank you for sharing your insights & your tips & tricks. The anniversary of my mom’s passing is today & I woke up feeling annoyed as hell with everyone. And then Valentine’s Day is the anniversary of my dad’s passing. This time of year sucks & it it helps to know that I am not the only one dealing with these issues.
Sometimes I want to scream. Mostly at my husband. We have been dealing with infertility for almost 5 years. I have become depressed knowing that I will most likely never have a child. Yet I am afraid to look to a mental health professional because what if I’m not legitimately depressed? Are my feelings not relevant? Why should I be depressed when I have a job and a husband? It’s hard for me to be around people sometimes, especially pregnant women. I grew up with the knowledge of the 7 Deadly Sins (and have always tried to avoid them) but in this case jealousy has started to turn into straight up envy. I recently started blogging about my experience, which has helped a bit since I’m not talking to anyone I know.
Sometimes I fee like there’s no one that understands my pain. There aren’t any support groups near me; I’d have to travel 2 hours to get to the nearest one. It helps, albeit in a small way, to know there are others out there that have difficulty living their daily lives, for whatever reason (if any).
I’ve never self-harmed myself, although there have been times that at the end of the month, when I realize there’s no pregnancy, I slap my stomach like I’m trying to punish it for being an empty womb.
(I struggled with infertility and miscarriages for many years and it caused a lot of depression that I needed a psychologist for. The difference was that a psychologist could help me talk through my anger and feelings of shame and fear. It helped. I still hurt, but I had someone to give me legitimate feedback on the validity of my feelings and to tell me if I also needed medications. I also used a lot of BabyCenter discussion groups to vent, although it had its bad sides as well. Sending you love. ~ Jenny)
Thank you for this — Winter is a particularly hard time… I take my meds, I exercise, and I try to remember that when I am in a dark place that I will not always be there. I am not the best at asking for help but it is so invaluable to know that there are others like me out there.
Today is my birthday, which I usually love, but I’ve been a bit blah leading up to it this year. I noticed the full moon yesterday but didn’t put it together with the downswing. Thanks for normalizing for me.
We are mostly water. The moon controls the tides. Shit yeah, that’s gonna have an effect not he human body.
Meditation saved my life. And a friction’ amazing psychologist. She’s my most expensive friend. In fact, she is the reason I started reading your blog.
I didn’t even think about the moon and have been wondering why my moods are all over the place.
Side note – was stoked to see you on word press! Now I don’t have to check your website or stalk you on Facebook for your updates. 🙂
Hi there! I know you are not a particularly religious person, but I have to say that faith is a big help for me when I feel down. There is something truly miraculous about the way God has breathed life into all of us, and it is something that I always cling to. You have a beautiful family, and are a voice for many of us who face the same issues. Your life has meaning, you are valued and loved, and if you remember that God has a purpose that only you can fulfill, it can give you the strength to keep fighting for yourself!! This is my favorite verse, and maybe it can be something great for you as well. Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”
xo Feel better!
Thank you. It has been a rough few weeks. Not only have I been struggling to keep my own chin above the water, my son (who has PTSD) and my mother (who just lost her husband of 62 years) have been struggling as well. It’s been like trying to hold up two people while treading water in a whirlpool. Somedays, I just stare off into space and cry. It’s good to know when you’re not alone. I asked my mother yesterday (after not seeing her for a couple of days), “Did you miss me? Cuz I missed you.” She just started crying. It’s rough.
Thank you for posting this. I only wish that there had been someone like you to help me through my bad time. This is the sort of post that will save lives.
I forget so often what an impact nature has on me, but it’s why I live where I live and why I can always go to the beach to feel better. I took a walk in the moonlight with my puppy two nights this week, and was thankful for the light, even though it did mess up my sleep, too. The days have been hard, and it is good to walk anonymously in the night. I have been dealing with a whole slew of issues, my brother’s suicide, my childhood trauma, my adult trauma, my family’s lack of empathy, my near fatal car accident. The pain from my accident brought right back into the forefront of my brain all the abuse I suffered through as a child. I love reading your posts because they make me laugh, and feel not so alone. Thanks for always sharing.
The first thing I thought of while reading this is also : “Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” -Dumbledore
Hang in there. You are beautiful and wonderful and a great leader of our (not so) little tribe! And to everyone struggling, you are also wonderful and beautiful and I love you at least as much as I work to love myself every day.
That’s a beautiful pic of you! So many of these tips really help…depressed or not. I am so glad that you are blessed with helping hands, smiles and shoulders around you.
That’s a George Carlin quote on your picture. 🙂
My 90 year old grandmother went into the hospital on Christmas Eve … she was literally at death’s door when it was decided she would receive a Pacemaker. The surgery was successful and she was sent home two days later. On the 3rd day, my aunt told me all hell broke loose -> my grandmother went into a MAJOR Panic Attack which freaked out the entire family. The Paramedics decided it would be best to bring her back to the hospital where the medical personnel offered to place her in a rehab facility for 2 weeks to help her adjust to her new circumstances. My grandmother has experienced many life experiences (90 years says it all) but this one left her feeling so lost. As I have suffered for many years with numerous mental & physical challenges, I wrote her a letter of support, which I hope might help someone better accept and deal with the terror of anxiety/panic attacks that are so debilitating.
“… I am truly sorry that I cannot be there, if just to sit by your side and give you a thousand kisses and hugs. I can empathize what you are going through physically (since my heart too, has extra beats that totally freak me out).
When it happens, I try to think of it like a roller coaster ride. I’ve only been on one roller coaster ride in my life and that was enough.
The only advice I can give to you is that to get through it, you are going to have to finish the ride. You are in the dinky little car going 100 miles an hour, supported by rickety wheels upon a track. It slowly pulls up and you know the free-fall is going to happen … and when it does, you become physically ill and the fear sets in rendering you helpless. You are stuck on this seemingly, never-ending ride; but, eventually it does end. The dinky car comes to a stop and you are whole again, standing on the platform, full of disbelief that you survived.”
~ Yeah we all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun.
John Lennon
Hang in there sister! Your tribe thanks you for sharing your truth!
… also, DISTRACTION is key.
This is the longest ‘dark time’ for me that I’ve ever had. It started in July or August and has continued to get darker. I thought I was close to digging out a couple of weeks ago. I was so close to the top and now I’m just completely sunk again. I can barely bring myself to get out of bed in the morning. I have panic attacks several times a week. I want to quit my job and just stay home all day. I can barely interact with my children anymore. I try to connect with my friends via facebook and twitter. It’s the fakest I’ve ever been in my entire life. I’m not good at pretending to be happy.The drinking helps even though I know it’s hurting me more. I started a project and a blog back in October to try to make myself and others happier. It helped me for a bit and then it stopped working. I have moments of happiness but nothing that helps sustain me. I feel so lost. I’ve followed everyone on here that listed their twitter handle so here’s mine…@shimmerandglo
I offer you this link. I hope it helps in any small way. http://www.reverbnation.com/dylanbrody/song/9384516-depression-confession As you reassure us that we are not alone, I remind you of the same thing. xoxox ox (affection and an ox) — Dylan
We love you Jenny! Keep on keepin’ on…
Jenny thank you for this. Thank you for old taxidermy, and giant metal chickens, and your conversations with Victor. You make me laugh whenever I need it. I love that!
I’m lucky at the moment and am feeling quite good, but I also know that that can change any day, any moment. I am exercising daily and spending time with those that lift me up and allow me to lift them too. Nothing makes me feel happier, and more complete then helping others. So if I can listen, share, laugh, or cry with any of you…find me.
Twitter: @betteroffhappy
Thank you for this post, Jenny. I do not have “official” depression or any diagnosed mental disorder, but my husband died almost 3 months ago in a car accident at just 27 years old. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am, but on the inside, I’m mostly screaming and feel like I should be in a straitjacket or something. But I keep going for my 2 year old son’s sake, and for my own sake, too, I suppose. But this post makes me feel a little more normal, so thank you.
(I’m screaming for you. That’s not fair. I’m so, so sorry. You’re amazing, Clare. Sending love to you and your family. ~ Jenny)
Jenny, you are amazing. I have suffered from depression for years and still struggle w meds. The weight gain is the worst Ans is setes more depressing than having this crazy disease yourself. I’m @hgabell and available at any time.
Thank you so much! Your blogs always help.
Something that I did that is a wee bit more permanent than some folks may like is this: I had a tattoo put on my inner forearm, where I can always see it. The tattoo represents renewal and rebirth and is a very visual reminder that it GETS BETTER. I’ve needed that reminder many times, and I’m always glad it’s there.
And exercise always helps, especially outdoor exercise.
I feel this and understand. Shared this on my facebook wall and hope others can get a glimpse of the struggles we face. Thank you.
But I am alone. I live alone, no siblings, parents have passed, and no friends with whom I keep in contact. I go days without speaking to anyone – then it is at the grocery store or speaking to a repairman. I truly want to believe your post, and I do for the most part. What you wrote was very poignant. Thanks for writing it.
This is an awesome post Jenny. I know that there is at least one person out there that will benefit from this, even if it’s just information to file away for a “lower” day. I hope you find your light again soon and that things get better for you. Wishing you laughter…
I usually don’t comment, but here goes nothing.
I’m not one to really pay attention to the lyrics of a song. I enjoy the tune, melody, what-have-you, and sometimes I latch on to the words in a particular verse or the chorus. Unfortunately, since I engage in this type of selective listening, there are times that I completely misunderstand “what the song really means”. For example, I started dating this guy and wanted him to know that I really liked him. I thought a song could express my emotions better than anything that I could ever think to say to him. So, I called him up and asked if I could play a song for him over the phone. It was “Every Breath You Take” by The Police. At the time I wondered why he didn’t have much to say afterwards … and why he stopped taking my calls. Nearly 30 years later, I completely understand.
Anyway, that’s a long-winded intro before telling you that I was listening to Pandora at work (after having read this blog entry) and Elton John’s “Your Song” came on. When he got to the line where he sings “I hope you don’t mind / That I put down in words / How wonderful life is while you’re in the world” … I thought of you. Disregard the rest of the song unless it’s applicable.
Jenny – I, too, am so thankful that you share your feelings with us. It’s incredibly brave of you and I am so thankful. Your post made happy and sad cry, all at the same time. Happy because it felt so good to have someone say “You are as special and irreplaceable as the people you love most.”. Sad because I usually don’t believe that it’s true about me. Everyone else, yes, me no. It helps me so much to know that I am not alone in my struggles with this. THANK YOU!!!!!
I. LOVE. YOU. Thank you for sharing posts like this, you give us all courage to keep on keeping on during the hard times. Your honesty is beyond refreshing. No therapist or doctor has made me feel more at peace than you do. You get it, and you help others who don’t get it to understand. Lastly, thanks for making me almost piss myself with laughter at least once a week! cheers to you chick!
Thank you, from another member of this shitty club.
Reading this post today made me feel so much better. I was feeling particularly down yesterday as well, and it’s nice to read (even on the back end) that someone else was going through the same thing.
Something that makes me feel better is a relaxing bath, which is exactly what I did yesterday. I sat my laptop on the ground, put Doctor Who on Netflix and watched some Catherine Tate episodes while in the tub.
I want to say I love that you’re willing to share your struggles. It’s always an odd comfort to know someone else is out there… somewhere… also lost in this massive black hole. It gives hope. Reading your blog, and the comments is one of my go-to’s to make me smile and feel less lonely. Thank you.
I have (undiagnosed) dermatillomania as one of my myriad issues. The coconut oil is an interesting idea. I wonder if I could manage it. One of my other issues is sensory-related. I can’t stand the way most lotions/oils/etc feel on my skin, especially not on my hands. I did get a lotion applicator wand thing for Christmas so I can try to keep my feet moisturized (“MOISTURIZE ME!!!”)… tempted to try that with the coconut oil. Thank you for that suggestion.
(This one helped me. Cover your hands (or legs or wherever you pick) with elmer’s glue and let it dry. Then slowly pick off the glue. It helps to get the same feelings you get from dermatillomania but without breaking the skin. Also, cut your nails super short when you’re having a bad cycle. It’s incredibly frustrating to not be able to use them to pick, but sometimes it’s a good last-ditch effort. ~ Jenny)
My daughter has depression issues and all I can do is love her through them. Your descriptions are very on point. I can only support and try to understand because (lucky me) my brain doesn’t operate like yours and hers. However, Jenny, your book has made me laugh out loud in all kinds of public places and I am in awe because I’ve known for a long time that you have these dark times and still function – and write the most wonderfully funny things. For you and my daughter, I suggest love and reading your book. Hugs to you.
trigger warning
A word from the wise…
Okay first you should note, I am a very, very unique person, and for good or bad, you will never met anyone else like me EVER again.
I went to a doctor a very concerned about self-harm and suicide. I was very genuine to him, very much myself. He was my son’s psychologists. He is an amazingly wonderful and gifted semi retired professional. He sits on the board of several organizations, is and has been the director of several facilities. However he does, see a very small amount of private patients. Keep in mind, he does not take insurance, if I could have afforded we would have stayed with him till he died but we saw him several amazing years. I should note he did amazing things with my son, he would not be the wonderful man he is now with this doctor. I can NEVER repay him for what he has done for us.
So with all that being said…
After one of my son’s appointments, I asked him if maybe he could refer me to someone, he said well I can see you, I have observed you and heard about you for sometime now. I was a little nervous at first, being as he was treating my son, but things were going so well with that, and he knew so much about my family dynamics, and me that I gave it a shot.
I confessed to him that I had been very upset, well for years and depressed, and that I had been reading… and that I been thinking about suicide. Well at first he had this very concerned look on his face, and said that he found this very out of character for me, and he was very surprised. So, I had told him that this book I was reading said I should call one of the helplines, because I was in danger. I had never once that that I was in danger, but what do I know, I am a depressed person, and the book says you cannot think clearly about your own wellbeing at times like this… But they did not take me seriously. Seems you have to be in danger when you call them, guess that is why they are ‘help’ or ‘hot’ lines.
So the doctor asked me all the important questions. It became clear to both of us, we were not on the same thinking paths. So he had me explain.
When I get upset, really upset, I go to bed. I breath deeply and create a scenario to kill myself. Some are much better than others. But all require an extreme amount of detail. While laying down, all covered up, breathing deeply, I will pick out the scene – to give you an example, in one it is a parking garage. So I imagine driving to the parking garage, what I will see, smell etc, for the entire root, so this can take a few minutes to just get there as I imagine the entire trip. I then picture parking, walking the perimeter, time of day, sun, wind direction, and which wall I will be using. Then I return to my car, make a list of what I will need. In this scenario I will be using two body bags and a wire coat hanger.
Now I picture the entire trip to the medical examiner (as I don’t know where to get body bags, but I do know they have them there), then the trip back. On the way I have to stop at the dry cleaners for the hanger. Again every detail of the trip. More often than not I am asleep before I get to the medical examiners.
As with most of the scenarios, I very rarely get to the end, I most often am asleep after about 15 minutes. I sleep for an hour or so, when I wake up everything is much better, either I know how to handle whatever was upsetting me or it has gone away.
In case you are wondering what the rest of the story is – I return to the parking garage, put one body bag in side the other, I climb in, zipper both up (why I need the hanger) and then go to sleep. The plan is – if I roll over to the right in my sleep I fall off the roof ledge, if I roll to the left, I am simply still on the parking garage.
So this works well for me, or did when I need it. The moral here is know if you are just modifying a relaxation technique or really seriously considering killing yourself.
One should note, I have never done anything that would really, cause death or harm to myself or others.
(There’s a thing I have called suicidal ideation. I’m not suicidal but I sometimes have uncontrollable thoughts about it, which can be dangerous. You might need to look into it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicidal_ideation It’s more common than suicide attempts but still needs treatment to understand it. Helping to understand and avoid triggers has helped me a lot. ~ Jenny)
I would just add that if you’re fortunate enough to work somewhere that they offer an Employee Assistance Plan, there is usually an emergency help number that you can call with trained professionals on the other end of the line. They are a great resource and it’s kept confidential.
Winters always make things so much worse for me, especially in the pacific northwest because the days can be so dreary so it feels like there’s no respite from the dark. Last year, I was so distraught that it was actually giving me heart palpitations: huge doses of vitamin d, an anti anxiety medication, and (very short) sessions in a tanning booth helped me immensely.
Thank you, Jenny! You are so generous with your precious time and energy. I am always so touched to read all the comments saying how much they needed to hear your message. It’s really true.
I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, looking back, but have only been conscious that that is what it is about it for the last 20 years or so. I’ve been suicidal, a cutter, a recluse; my depression and anxiety have ruined golden opportunities to follow my dreams. I’ve been hopeless, believed I was helpless, and felt completely alone. Blessedly, and with a lot of hard work, I’m managing without medication these days. (I really don’t like taking it because it makes me feel bad in a different way, but it definitely, definitely works when I’m not functional, so when I need it, I take it.) I don’t often spiral down into the hole these days, and usually when I do it’s nowhere near as bad as it used to be. When it is, I go get meds until it’s manageable again. God Bless my doctor for trusting that I know myself!
There’s so much I’ve learned over the years of trying to deal with this shit, but rather than ramble on and on here, I’ll try and keep it to the top couple of things that might help someone else.
1) Getting enough rest is my #1, top, most important priority. Period. If I get more than a little short on sleep I get crazy in a hurry. Fortunately, once I fall asleep, I generally sleep pretty well. Those of you who’ve mentioned you don’t sleep well have my deepest sympathy. I hope you can find something that helps with that.
2) I have to remind myself (frequently) that NO MATTER how bad it sucks right now, it ABSOLUTELY WILL GET BETTER! always, every time, no matter what! Just . . . eventually . . . which is the bitch part of it. All I have to do is survive long enough and it will get better. That lying bastard depression can go suck an egg.
3) Call that bastard out. When it tells me “you’re worthless,” or “you’ll never . . .,” or whatever the lie du jour is I say, “That’s not true. Shut up.” Sometimes I even say it out loud. I don’t have to prove it, or defend it, or even really believe it, I just have to stop the thought. Probably over and over again, but I can do that. If I can throw a wrench in the thought spiral it can’t drag me down as fast or as far.
Looking back over that, it comes off a little aggressive to me. Sorry. I’m not trying to be pushy to you guys, that depression bastard just pisses me off, hurting such loving, caring, sensitive, awesome people that we are. When I’m not depressed, I just wanna kick its ass.
I apologize again for this being so long. I really, really did try and restrain myself. I’m am so totally happy to be a listening ear for anyone who needs to talk. I don’t mind, you’re making my life harder or spreading your unhappiness; I don’t think you’re crazy; I don’t mind if you repeat yourself a zillion times; I believe in your worth and have no judgement about how you express yourself. If you want to contact me email is: leighbug_27893@yahoo.com or you can google me leigh ann apanites (I’m the only one! lol) Just please don’t call, I have a telephone phobia.
Cuddling! It releases oxytocin which reduces stress and strengthens bonds between people. I think a hug has to last 7 seconds for oxytocin to be released, so if you don’t have someone to cuddle, go in for the long, awkward hug!
Gee, I just wrote a long (verbose) email to many of my friends who suffer from panic/anxiety disorder. I have had the same anxiety “affliction” for 40 years. Unless you have felt it — no, I mean really, really FELT it, you have no experience to draw from. By writing about depression and pain, you touch those who need you, who FEEL what you feel, and need these connecting words to help them in their struggle. Your words are beautiful and timely. We all need to remember it is in our struggling that we connect. Thank you for being a precious person to touch those who need you right now. And thank you for the laugh-out-loud moments you have given me and so many others!!
You’re never alone. Whether it’s a whopper of a depression or a brief episode, it’ll pass. (When I was there: http://imissyouwheniblink.com/2013/06/19/everyones-crazy/)
It’s worth accepting whatever help you need, because getting out on the other side of feeling crappy is so good.
Thank you SO MUCH for this. Often, when I read tips on how to help depression, it’s “get your hair or nails done, something to make you feel beautiful; go for a walk in the sunset…” or the like. Those tips are for people who can still function. This here, what you have posted, is honest, true-blue help for those in the darkest throws of it. Like I was. The barely squeaking out of bed to make it to the bathroom fits of depression where I was incapable of holding a conversation. This information here saves people. Thank you.
Thank you for being awesome. I ALWAYS read your blog (thanks Bloglovin!) but rarely comment.
You totally just made me realize why I’ve been having such a god damn hard week… my depression is not diagnosed and only something I’ve been struggling with for the past few months, but for someone who spent her last 28 years being bubbly, happy, and excited all the time… its incredibly odd to feel… the worthlessness.
And this week has been tough – probably thanks to the moon.
Thanks for reminding me i’m not alone. I actually enjoy being a misfit MOST of the time.
B vitamins, D vitamins and folic acid are supposed to help with energy, so I try to remember to take those. The full moon explains why I’ve felt so shitty this week, that and the rainy overcast weather really put me in a funk. I saw my shrink, and I know I’m mildly seasonal affective, so she did suggest exercise, but when you feel as low as I did….well we all know how much of that I’m going to do. When the sun was out this week, I tried to at least get some on my face and arms, soak up some vit D and I did feel a little better. I also deal with chronic pain (fibromyalgia) and ever since the cold came whooshing through, I haven’t been able to get out of this flare up and staying in constant pain is enough to break anyone down. I try so hard to get out of these funks, but dammit I feel like I keep getting pushed right back down. It just really is discouraging. My bf notices though and he tries to keep me upbeat, do sweet things to make me smile and make me feel better, and that makes the biggest difference. I am going to try some things on your list though, great ideas!
jenny, god i wish there were easy answers. unfortunately, my mode of depression action is to go into isolation, it’s much easier for me to cut myself off from everyone, pull back from my therapist, stay in bed. it’s not a wallow in self pity. kind of like my own form of coma
Thank you so much, Jenny. I am at a low point today, myself, for a variety of reasons, and reading this really helped me. It is a blessing to know that we are not alone, and I am going to bookmark this post so that I can quickly refer to the tips mentioned, particularly those regarding self-harm.
Thank you again. For all the darkness that I know you battle at times, you shared a lot of light today.
Much love to you.
sharstephens at twitter
I’m not depressed. I don’t have the illness, but I have a bi-polar 2 husband (that means more depression then mania) and a daughter that suffers from depression. I am in the monitor position all the time. Is my husband slipping again to the point of suicide? Is my daughter sleeping too much and not seeing friends? Is she happy? Is he functioning? I go to appointments with booth to monitor their meds. I have looked to find support for people that care for the depressed people and I cant find anything. Maybe just a site or two with people venting to the universe. It is a tough road, both will probably get worse. I feel completely responsible for whether or not they make it. Also, it is largely a secret. I help each with excuses on why my husband will never participate in social functions and keep my daughter close and busy. I never really see comments from the care givers. It’s really hard. You feel really helpless and responsible and you don’t really get much support.
(I think it might be harder to see someone you love suffer rather than going it through it yourself. I’m so glad they have you, but you need support too. There are therapists that specialize in that. Also, you might want to check out NAMI.org. They have resources and discussion groups for care-givers. You have to take care of yourself too. ~ Jenny)
Dear Jenny,
I just adore this post. You give people community – hope and courage. I belong to a group of PPD bloggers and am part of the editorial staff over at http://www.postpartumprogress.com. I hope anyone who stumbles on your post who is struggling with postpartum mood or anxiety disorders will reach out – when you have others who completely understand where you are coming from, recovery is that much more bearable. (is it “bare”able? Bearable looks like that thing when you are able be a bear. Huh.) I’m on twitter @learndhappiness and mamas can always find help on the #ppdchat hashtag, night and day.
My favorite coping technique is my rainy day letter. I wrote one for the PPDtoJoy blog back 3 years ago and I continually return to it on my worst days. It reminds me of the truth when the depression lies and tells me that I’m unlovable, that the world is too chaotic, that I cannot cope. It holds just enough hope. A shard of hope is all it takes.
I’m sorry you are having a bad time. But I admire your openness. You help a lot of people. Including me.
and that is where i am now, self check out grocery store-no need to talk to anyone; read books on line-no need for the library; live alone-no need to answer the phone or the door. anonymous comments and emotionless emails..isn’t technology grand..being a nobody is easy
When my illness ramps itself up I wrap up on the couch, snuggle up close to my son and watch Psych. I now give myself permission to feel bad. I use to beat up myself for having anxiety attacks and felt like I was loser. Sometimes I’m down for days, other times it’s hours.
@serial_writer
That is such a great album! I forgot I had it in my CD changer in my car and it came on the other night. Glad you’ve found something that speaks to you and helps quiet your mind. Hugs!
Thank you, Jenny! I have a friend who is going through a rough patch right now and I’m sending her a link to this post. Love you!!!!!!
uncanny how your depression posts seem to pop up just when I am falling into that fucking dark hole. wish it were fucking, then at least i’d have something to do down there. I’ve followed you for eons without a single comment, and i’m still too chicken shit to be anything but “anonymous”. have to start somewhere. So… just sayin’, well done. i mean really truly fabulously well done. Your ability to use your pain to help all of us out here feeling some version of that same pain? Strange and beautiful indeed.
I had spent the morning writing about my own troubles, Upon reading this I felt better still. I know I have bad days and I have to work to get out of them but not being alone helps. I also find that writing is the one of the best ways I have to address things, it gives me the space to feel things with trying to hide them from my peers. Thank you. Also I got my sister a copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened for Christmas, and there was much rejoicing.
This is exactly what I needed to see. I am doing okay right now, except for some major trouble sleeping recently. (Now I can blame the moon! Woo hoo!) However, I found myself in a seriously dark place over the holidays, and when I am down in that hole, it’s so hard to believe that anyone else feels the way I do and has to fight the same sort of battles I am fighting. Posts like this one, and so many of the comments, remind me that not only am I not alone, but that truly amazing people struggle with the same issues I do.
Tricks that help me when I am in that dark place: Paint my nails. Read one of my favorite books, even if it’s for the millionth time (that includes your book, Jenny). Take a walk. Turn up the music in my car until the whole thing rattles and thumps and I fear getting arrested for disturbing the peace. Also, back when self-harm was an issue, my therapist recommended putting an ice pack on the back of my neck. She claimed it shuts down the “lizard brain” that operates during moments of serious stress. It really does work stupendously well.
Brighter than Sunshine (from the same album) was my wedding song (kind of a theme song for the hubby and me). He was coming out of a really bad spot when we met (about the time the album came out), so it’s has always been special to us. I smile and tear up a bit every time it comes on my mp3 player.
So hug your young’un and your husband, and smile because it makes people wonder. I’ll have to try the pencil thing sometime.
“What a feeling in my soul. Love burns, brighter than sunshine.” – Aqualung
Jenny:
1. Hugs. I hope you find yourself a nice shriveled piece of corn soon.
2. Thanks for this. I don’t have the depression, but I do have friends who have struggled with it and so I RT’d for them and anyone else it might trickle down to from there. I also appreciate that your insider perspective makes me feel more able to help them if I’m ever needed.
Dear Jenny, You make my heart smile and break at the same time. I have been down that hole many, many times. Each time I had to claw my way out. When I couldn’t get out by myself, my kids would throw me a life line and help pull me out. When I am in the hole, sometimes I think is should just stay there. Whats the point of clawing out, I know I will be down again. I confess I allow myself to wallow in it for a while and do nothing but sleep. A wise woman said “Depression Lies”. Now when I feel myself falling, I tell on myself and always have my Captain Kirk Pez/ Zanax dispenser on hand. I watch my fav episode of TV shows, go on Facebook, Twitter and read. I also like to stare off into space. Some of my best ideas come to me while doing that. I am JoeMamma6_2 on Twitter (that’s how my kids refer to me when they talk to each other.) I have 6 adult kids and two grandkids plus one granddog. I have no clue what triggers these episodes, but I am so glad I recognize when there is a Funk Acomin and prepare accordingly. So I will you well Miss Jenny and a quick recovery, The world has big plans for you.
Sincerely,
Karen
one last comment, my new psycho med dr, cur-ass, (who i saw last week) had not even scanned my file, doubled dosed a medication that makes me want to take the “selfish” way out (which i told him wasn’t going to work), and asked me if i went to church and did i believe in god WTF. i’m through now..i am going back to listening to the police scanner for the many suicide attempts that my “happy” little village refuses to acknowledge.
(Ugh. I’m sorry. Shrinks are like teachers. Great ones change your life. Bad ones make your life miserable. Keep looking. I had to go through a lot of doctors to find the right ones. As my doctor-friend tells me “Every graduating class of doctors had one doctor who finished at the very bottom and who we all thought was terrible. Trust your gut and switch if you don’t have confidence in them.” Find the doctor you deserve. Some even do online Skype appointments so you don’t have to stick to the few choices in a small town. ~ Jenny)
So refreshing, and encouraging, to read honest words written by a real live human being who’s not afraid to show herself, underbelly and all, to the world. I applaud your honesty. I applaud your boldness. I applaud your ability to see through to the humanity of what some call insanity. Thank you.
Thank you so much for posting this, not only for those of us who share the bowl of cherry pits that is depression, but for those who have never experienced it, or may live with someone that wrestles it. {{{hugs to you}}} And YES, that shit about the moon is definitely true. I worked for a medical answering service, and whenever the moon was full women would go into labor left, right, and center, and the emergency calls to the psychiatrists on our service would skyrocket. I hope you feel better soon – I hope we ALL feel better soon. sneeks off to check out Wil Wheaton’s blog
Oh. I was supposed to share a tip for staving off, or rising above, the down dragon. Ice hockey. Old lady ice hockey. It’s a miracle.
I was commenting to my boyfriend last night how happy I was that John Green and Wil Wheaton both talk about their mental illness, and taking meds for it, and getting worse and better. And they’re great, especially because they reach a lot of kids, and I wish someone had told me when I was a geeky teenager that it’s ok and I wasn’t weak or damaged.
But hon, you are the one who just kills me so hard with your posts, because they are so close to how I live. You’re the one that, as a grownup (of sorts), reminds me that it’s ok and I’m not weak or damaged.
I’ve been having a really rough week too, what with the moon madness. Here’s hoping it rolls on by.
I love you, and this. I won’t qualify it simply because after years and years of readership, I feel I’ve earned the right to love you unconditionally, 🙂 Now I’ll go tell 5 more people because you said it was right, and you are important.
I found a website that helps me with my depression. It’s called Emotional Baggage Check at http://www.emotionalbaggagecheck.com. You can ‘Check’ your baggage, meaning type out everything that has been bothering you (and it gives you a lot of characters to do so in) and you check it. Then somebody else comes to the site and chooses to ‘Carry’ your bag. They put in a song (usually as a youtube video link) and send you encouraging words. The last time I did this, it made me feel ten times better, so I ventured in the ‘Carry’ section and spent an hour searching for the perfect songs for people’s various situations and sending them as many words of encouragement and love as I could. That made me feel a hundred times better.
Magnesium made me feel amazingly good, like I hadn’t felt in years, right up until the unpleasant (and sudden, and surprisingly violent) digestive side-effects kicked in about a month later. If you’re going to try it, be aware that it’s a possibility, even with a low dose or a topical application.
Your authenticity is appreciated and valued! You are not alone. Thanks for helping others understand they are part of a powerful tribe as well. For what it’s worth… regarding full moon cycles, there are theories, some of which bear consideration. Many people are carriers of toxoplasmosis, a parasite spread by interaction with livestock, wildlife and domestic cats. Animals who are infected show bizarre, life-risking behavior, such as mice walking up to cats, raccoons crossing busy highways. The science theorizes that the parasite reduces self-preservation in order to spread the parasite to other hosts. Toxoplasmosis is one of many parasites that show active cycles around full moons. It is postulated that the ‘madness’ symptoms seen in people and animals around full moons are a direct result of toxoplasmosis infections (usually in the brain). People usually feel itchy, achy, agitated, depressed, fatigued when their toxoplasmosis is active. Yes, it really IS “in your head”, but not because you are broken, just because you might be infected. (It is detectable, though not easily, and it is treatable.)
Very rarely do I read blogs but this one was posted to my fb page and I felt like I NEEDED to read. I was skeptical of course because s many people write a lot of meaningless crap.
The first thing that jumped out at me from your blog was the mention of medication and how it can stop working. That’s when I decided to keep reading and have now bookmarked your blog.
Everything you wrote makes complete sense to me. This is the first time I have read anything that does.
I appreciate your openness and honestly x
Thank you, Jenny.
My boyfriend of 7 years left me at Christmas by disappearing and then giving notice on our apartment – no goodbye. My landlord let me know. I’m also out of a job now and feel like such a failure, and so very alone.So many bad things have happened this past year that people are amazed that I am still ok, but inside I am not. I feel like I am drowning and can’t save myself. I’ve been having a continuous mild panic attack for weeks now.
But for the first time in a month your words made me feel a little less alone, so thank you. I hope things get better. It’s really hard right now.
I don’t suffer from depression or mental illness, but many of my family members do. and I totally agree with what last woman standing wrote. it’s hard to see someone you love going through such blackness. it’s hard to know what to say, it’s hard to know what to do, it’s hard to figure out how to pull them back. sometimes I miss my sister so much. it sucks. I miss the person she used to be and I hate this half-ass life she’s living. your posts about depression have given me another glimpse of what she might be going through. thank you for that.
Jenny,
Come on, babe! Snap out of it and get back into the fun, funky mood you were in when you wrote that awesome book and your 5×5 installment. I love Sad Jenny because she’s a part of the Happy, Madcap Jenny we all fell in love with, but we need Happy Jenny to emerge from these dark periods happier than ever.
Never forget, dear sweet Jenny, you are loved and love is the key to finding your way out of the darkness. And that goes for everyone hurting out there: stay strong and hold on for one more day. My God, I have become a Wilson Phillips song. What have I done?
I have to go and punish myself now…
Hang in there, Jenny.
Sounds like you incorporate some DBT tools – I have just started with that process after years being diagnosed with of all the acronyms and dealing with substance abuse (self harm run riot). It has been my light at the end of the tunnel to have techniques I can do for myself to feel better alongside medication and counseling.
I found knitting to be very helpful on the days I can do much more then get off the sofa to feed my kids three times a day. I can say my kids save me everyday. When I don’t feel like caring for myself I know I have to care for my kids. Back to the knitting. I find knitting on the sofa while watching silly kids movies with my kids both therapeutic and productive. I was so down last week that I knitted 3 hats and a set of hand warms which then lead my carpel tunnel to act up and know I have been unable to knit for the last week which has not helped my depression. Thanks for reminding me I am not alone.
I just learned in yoga class yesterday that it’s a good mood booster to outwardly rotate your upper arms. (If they’re inwardly rotated, you slump your shoulders which can make you sad. Outwardly rotated gives you better posture and cheers you up.)
I love your tips honey. You mention it at the top (hell, it’s the basis for your whole post really) but it’s my first tip. Create a jam with all of your “get me the hell out of these dumps” songs on it, and play it. LOUD!
Oh, and Dance. I don’t care if you are in a wheelchair, quadriplegic, stuck in bed or in so much pain you can’t move your eyelids. Dance with whatcha got honey! For me, (and I’m all of the above except a quad) that means bopping my head a little, or imaging a beautiful ballet. (Sometime that depresses me worse though, so know yourself. If that’s gonna make it worse, don’t!) or even on a good day just wiggling the little big of control I have of my body. WIGGLE DAMMIT! laugh
And read other great bloggers (or bloggesses) like Jenny.
WE LOVE YOU, JENNY!
Good, now come read my blog and feel better about your own life. laugh No, really. 😉
(PS. I’m the girl from Phoenix in a wheelchair who got your autograph, your picture, made you cry, then left. But hey, they were happy tears… I hope!! Right?) laugh
The line, “Depression lies,” has helped me get through so many days.
Thank you Jenny. I really needed this this week and it all makes so much more sense now. I can’t offer words of advice today but when I can I will. I will however share this for those who are going through the same horrible week. Thank you doesn’t really cut it but it’s all I have for now. You make a tremendous difference to the little people like me.
Two of the most treasured tidbits of wisdom I endeavor to be mindful of (on my darkest of days) I owe to you my dear Bloggess:
1.) Vampires of the soul are not immortal
2.) Depression lies
Thank you.
It’s so easy to forget I’m not alone.
Twitter: comicmizchief
Thank you.
It’s probably weird that these types of post often are my favorite when everything you write is pure gold, but you always remind me I’m not completely alone. And even though I personally don’t have anyone to talk to or anyone who can relate in my own life, there are people like me out there. So rock on. I can honestly say that a few years ago (a year? wow I don’t have any concept of time really… it was probably like, last month) a post like this saved my life. Forever grateful. 🙂
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for posting this. I deal with depression and bi-polar on the daily, and sometime it’s nice to be reminded that other people are living in the same (sometimes) hell as I am. Here is a blog post I wrote this summer. I hope you enjoy it!
http://booyahinyourface.blogspot.com/2013/07/it-sucks.html
Warmest thoughts and hugs to you and everyone who has ever been touched by this disease. Lifelong sufferer here, as well. A few years ago, I was lucky enough to find the right doctor who, in turn, found the right combination of medications. It was an absolute life saver.
Maybe others can find an anthem in Keri Noble’s “Hell of a Year,” as I have – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGezCYArG5E
And should anyone ever wish to lean on an empathetic ear, please don’t hesitate to shoot a message my way – @VivienneMathews or VivienneMathews at live dot com.
Love you. Hug you.
Think about turkeys.
The encouragement here is unlike anything else. I’ve only ever commented once, but I like reading other people’s, so I am going to try to be more involved and hopefully make some new and sincere connections. Thanks for the love, jenny, fellow readers.
Like many of you, I also have a mental illness in the form of depression. The darkness is consuming, but the good times are so much lighter because of it. If anyone ever needs an ear or a chat or just a new friend, my email is rld3x@mtmail.mtsu.edu. I’m on the facebook.
I have a mantra that I put on repeat in my head that helps me to get through the dark times. I even got it tattooed on my ribs backwards so I can read it in the mirror every day. Its something that never fails to let me breathe even if it is for a few minutes and the more I say it the longer those calm minutes last. Mine is “May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord make his face to shine upon you and bring you peace”. Heck every little bit help during the dark times.
I needed this today and probably every day till I can find my way out of my own hole. Thanks for writing and thanks for the tips. You don’t know how badly I needed them.
My daughter brought your blog to my attention and I have great admiration for you. The way you don’t let your troubles weigh you down. I have had a very difficult past few years and yet I have much to be grateful for. I just need a little reminder every now and again.
Thanks.
Thank you so much. Everyone here who has commented or shared their story, thank you too. It’s so wonderful to know you’re NOT the only one and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Each one of us is unique and special and even if you know it or not, you ARE loved. And to help bring a smile always remember this: YOU are someone else’s masturbation material! Always makes me laugh 🙂
“imagine your younger sister or your best friend or your child having these same doubts and realize that that same sense of angry disbelief that the world would ever be better without them is the exact same disbelief that your friends and family would feel if they lost you.”
This turn of perspective joins my merry band of wolf-riding elves who love and support me when the goblins come to feast. They show up on the days leading to full moons; my sleep gets compromised too.
Thank you for opening these dialogues with empathy and authenticity. When the world is overwhelming, the brave speak up.
xo
Lysette.
Thanks so much for this post Jenny. I have been dealing with mild (can it be called mild?) depression since right after Christmas. And then just last night, my hubby and I had to move into a hotel with our three cats who are severely traumatized by the move because there is a lot of water damage in our condo; the result of the neighbor who owns the unit directly above us having a huge water leak. I am trying to be brave, but only manage to cry. Sorry for rambling. If anyone has encouraging words or experience with a situation like this, my Twitter handle is @maggishelbourn
Haven’t read your posts in a while. This was the perfect post on the perfect day.
^^ turtles help too.
My mom is going thru a rough time this week too and I’m taking these tips back to her. Love you for being there for others even when it’s hard!
When you thinking bad things about yourself, imagine yourself as you were at age 7 or another young age and whether you would say those same things to a child. If you or someone did say those things to a young child, wouldn’t you console that child and hug them? Sometimes, that’s how I imagine myself. That way I can stop the cycle of thinking negative thoughts about myself.
The full moon stuff is not crap. It’s absolutely true. I teach in a Kindergarten class with 4 and 5 year olds. Full moon weeks are HELL. Add to that a windy day and nothing gets done. You are an inspiration and a hero to many, including me. Thanks for the laughs.
thank you so much for this and all your posts. I have recently been diagnosed with depression after refusing to acknowledge there was a problem, let alone seek help. I have lost friends and loved ones as a result of this and this last week has been the hardest of my life…. I feel like I am at the bottom of a very deep hole at the moment and this post gives me hope (even if only for a minute) that things can change. and thank you to all your generous readers and commenters for sharing their thoughts and experiences… its nice to not feel so alone for awhile
Thank you for this post. I don’t think I’m into the depression stage yet but I feel myself going into that direction. I read before that depressed people tend to sleep more and actually that’s what been happening to me. I just feel everything is not worth it and nothing I do makes sense and I just want to sleep and sleep and lie in bed the whole day, denying my existence. I do have self-harm tendencies. Not extreme ones like cutting myself but just scratching and using my fingernails, etc. It just feels like my heart hurts too much. Much more than the physical pain I have. I have suicidal tendencies too but at the same time I do dealise that if I do jump off a building, that is really the end of it. I’m thinking maybe pills are the easiest way to go. I can’t confide in anyone. It’s confiding in very secret matters that got me in trouble with a beloved friend/boss. I feel so alone in this fight. No one is fighting for me. I’ve always been independent and strong in fighting for myself but now, I’m just tired of it all.
My daughters have both been diagnosed with depression and I’m pretty sure my dad would have been as well. Your blog is of great help to me in understanding them.
On the turkey front – when I first read that Google help, I thought it was going to tell you how many people would feed a turkey — in other words, how many people could a turkey eat before it was full! I was curious about the answer to that one.
@schmolzanderson
Ok this… wow. This – just so helpful. I read through a ton of comments and there are great suggestions. A few that helped me…
I work from home and a schedule is the only thing that keeps me from floating aimlessly from one day to the next and keep me on track.
The app/website Unfuck your habitat – http://www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/
My happy play list of up beat singing music
My youtube bookmarks of uplifting/funny videos
leaving the house
showering
being honest with my friends
taking my medicine and seeing my doctors. therapist. psychiatrist. it’s a must.
eating.
sleeping
I love your suggestions. Here are a couple other things that help me:
I’ve found that St. John’s Wort (300mg at breakfast and 300mg at lunch every day) helps to even out my mood and the depressive “dips.” It doesn’t erase my depression, but it helps keep the dips from getting too bad. It also seems to make it easier for me to get out of them. Fun fact: at first, St. John’s Wort gave me HORRIBLE stomachaches that were impossible to “fart out.” I’ve pretty much adjusted to it now, though.
Besides the St. John’s Wort, volunteering at an animal rescue helps me a lot. It forces me to interact with other people and LOTS of cats. (I love the dogs, too, but I don’t typically work with them directly unless I’m overwhelmed with the urge to pet them. Dog poop bothers me way worse than cat poop for some reason, so I stick with the cats.) I know that I’m helping the cats by cleaning their kennels and cuddling them, but it does me a world of good, too. Do you know how exciting it is to wake up knowing that you’re going to play with a bunch of cats that day? Although it wears me out, it’s what I call a “good sort of tired.” I’m doing good work and helping those who can’t help themselves. If that couldn’t have taken away those horrible feelings of worthlessness, I don’t know if anything could have.
It was good to read this. Yesterday was the anniversary of my little brother’s death. It’s been 31 years but it still beats me up after all this time. My housemate told me I look less beaten up today; probably because I didn’t crawl out of bed until 1:30 pm. I really had planned to stay in bed all day, but my body finally insisted I get up. I know depression lies. I know that grief never really goes away and can kick your feet out from under you unexpectedly. And I know my life situation is only making things feel worse. But right now, it’s kinda hard to believe it all. I’m just working on making it thru to the next day intact at this point.
Slightly off topic (or not, I don’t know) but for those who have commented about supporting family members through illness – recognise that you are a carer. Don’t worry about a legal or technical definition of what a carer is. You know in yourself when you are one.
I’m not legally able to be recognised as a carer for my husband but that doesn’t change the fact that I do a lot of the things a carer would do for him.
There are rarely carer support groups if you don’t fall into a very narrow definition of carer – so I’ve found that accepting the definition and making sure I have self-care tactics helps a lot.
Heck, start your own support carer group if you want!
I’ve possibly had situational depression in the past – I’ve never seen anyone for it so I don’t know. But self-care helps. I’m so very far from perfect at it but the ‘basics’ – eating well, sleeping well and exercising – help a lot.
I’m @26yearscounting on twitter too 🙂
My best friend and I talk about this. We discuss our dark fears and our emotional pain. We’re two very strong, independent women, and we’re very similar. She keeps me grounded and I help her to see beyond what’s in front of her. If I didn’t have her to talk to about it, I don’t think I would talk to anyone. Isn’t that sad?
This post was beautiful and it made my heart grow three times bigger.
evil. full. moon.
I really needed to read this today. I feel like I’ve been struggling for so long, even with meds and therapy, and it’s just not getting any better. And my rational brain knows that I’m not the only one going thru this, but my sick brain says horrible things about me and tells me that I’m worthless and useless and the stupidest person alive. It spirals and spirals until I don’t know which way to turn to get some relief. I’m so tired of this. So, so tired.
Thank you. This post made me cry. It has been a rough week. Lots of suicidal thoughts and insomnia. I hadn’t thought to blame the moon, but it’s possible. I gave myself permission to be sick this week. I blew off an exam because I had no energy to study for it, but I will get better and then I will do it. We will get through this.
Funny you should mention Mitchell and Webb, ’cause I’ve watched a lot of David Mitchell videos this week and it has helped.
How did you know this was most needed today? Reading this post helped me muster the courage to make a doctor’s appointment with my primary care physician to start on the road of dealing with a current episode of depression. Shuffling myself through the revolving door of doctors’ offices and appointments that is mental illness treatment seemed so overwhelming to me, and I needed a gentle push. My family and I thank you.
I will add one to your list. Take a shower, do your hair, and put on clean clothes. Four day old hair and Tuesday’s pajamas will make any undesirable situation seem worse, I promise you.
I also find great comfort in doing something with my children that I know they enjoy. Not that I’m trying to put the responsibility of my happiness onto them, but many of my most hate-y thoughts revolve around my perceived capacity as a mother, so sitting in the sun at the park while listening to my children laugh and play can provide a few moments of peace from the “ugly place.”
Lots of love to all who need it. Carry on, warriors.
My BFF told me once when I was at the bottom of my hole “I love you so much. You can despair if you need to. I will hold onto the hope if you want. And you can just know I’ve got it and it exists somewhere. Bc I am guessing after today it might feel too much to hope.” I saved this text. And just so you know I can hold onto the hope for you. Right now you can just know that hope exists for you in St Helens OR. May you climb up from the hole when you can, but while you are down there find a fuzzy blanket to snuggle with.
Skye—your sentence ” I know grief never really goes away and can kick your feet out from underneath you unexpectedly” is heart wrenching and oh, so true.
Sweet Jenny, My Bloggess—you are like a balm to my battered soul. Please know how loved you are.
I am @aviatrixt on Twitter.
This is incredibly pertinent to what has been swirling around in my mind lately. I have clinical anxiety and depression and have dealt with it without an a/D for the last 12 months or more because the one I could take as a breastfeeding mom had intrusive, annoying side effects, including inhibiting sleep. After trying for a year on the lowest possible dose to make it work, it just didn’t. The only way I have made it work is to train for long distance endurance events. Three marathons, five halves, several more smaller races. I mostly walk them, but there is no doubt that the exercise is the sole reason I have been able to be off the medication.
Lately, though, it is getting harder. The intrusive thoughts (mostly of harm coming to my child and me being helpless to stop it) has been getting worse. I break down in tears throughout the day. The facade is crumbling. It was incredibly helpful to read this today.
Timing is everything. Dahlin, you have a friend here. I’m lucky (?) in that I only need a time release SRI and occasionally a time out. My son, on the other hand requires more. He is beautiful and kind and has an enormous heart and is very lucky to have friends and family who accept him unconditionally. He clocks in on the I.Q. machine at about 148 but sometimes can do little more than bury himself in to a book to escape; sometimes for days. He works two jobs and has been offered advancement but his disease prevents his taking them up on these offers because the stress could be overwhelming. Sometimes all we have to give one another is our love and understanding. Sometimes it is enough.
Dearest Jenny,
I started yelling excitedly and almost crying when I read the part where you called yourself a successful writer. I know you’ve struggled with this. But we know you rule. You help us. You make us laugh and cry and question everyone’s sanity (in a good way). And I just thought you should know how proud of you I am for admitting you’re a successful writer. You’re a hero.
Love,
Ashleigh
Artistic temperaments are now defined as ADD, manic-depressive, or anxiety ridden! As a society our mental health has many more labels and validation then we once knew, but there still is room for more “acceptance” because so many walk around with internal wounds that are not visible to the outside world. We wouldn’t let someone walk around with a broken leg or arm, yet there are so many walking around with invisible broken legs and arms. I love your words. Dancing, playing, painting, drawing, singing, gardening, walking, and baking are all some of the things I do when I’m feeling anxious or depressed. Its important to pamper ourselves when we know we aren’t feeling well. This mantra of “toughing it out” is idiotic! but it seems to be the American way. While I don’t disagree that we should be as strong as we can be, it is important to be compassionate to each other and our own unique mental state. You wouldn’t ask a person with a broken leg to run a triathlon. And yet I know there are some who would do that and find a way! So while we may feel incapacitated by our sensitivities, we are more able to cope and challenge ourselves when we have patience and understanding of what is debilitating. Parameters to consciously work within that do not compromise our well-being are important. Its the expectation that is unrealistic sometimes–and the comparison. Its like expecting a three-year-old to recite Shakespeare (while I’m sure their are those in the world who could!) My point is that we are all unique designs equipped to exist with our own unique skills, talents, and sensitivities–and we can do so successfully when we do have the validation and care to meet our needs. Communicating those needs can be difficult to express sometimes without ridicule. The more society accepts mental health as significant and not a “weakness” or “cause for concern” treating others like they have the plague, the more we will be able to co-exist responsibly. When we neglect those needs or invalidate ourselves or each other, its a breeding ground for tragedy. I hope our society continues to further embrace mental health as just as significant (if not more so, because oftentimes physical ailments spawn from mental distress) as physical health. I would add spiritual health to this as well because to me, our bodies are the biological coat to a much more complex individual. Our bodies, minds, and spirits are connected and sometimes eliminating anxiety in my life is as simple as having faith that everything is connected and that I am not as disconnected as I am feeling–that I’m not alone and that my whole person just needs alignment! Its the little things that sometimes help us find equilibrium again–just living. I can’t help but think that many of us are feeling this jarring sensation (such as synchronicity to the tides and the moon) because nature itself is who we are. We are connected and yet we are being quite jarred by certain anxieties that plague humankind. There are many distractions in the Western World that keep humans desensitized, but for those who are keen in “feeling”, it is difficult to ignore what we are doing to our planet and the Earthly creatures we co-exist with. The nesting principle is to protect those we love and create that safe haven of love and spread it in anyway that we can to counteract all that is disconnected in the world from nature herself….♥
I wrote about being down in that hole a few days ago, thinking that a Dirt Nap was perhaps an okay option. Instead, I got on the floor for a very long time. With the dog. Thank you for sharing this with your readers and the universe. xo
How did you know this was much needed today? Your post helped me muster the courage to make an appointment with my primary care physician to start on the road to treatment for this current episode of depression. Shuffling myself through the revolving door of doctors’ offices and appointments that is mental illness treatment seemed so overwhelming and I needed a gentle push. My family and I thank you.
I will add one thing to your list. Take a shower, do your hair, and put on clean clothes. Four day old hair and Tuesday’s pajamas can make any undesirable situation worse, I promise you.
I also find relief in doing something with my children that I know they will enjoy. Not that I am placing the responsibility for my happiness on them, but some of my most hate-y thoughts center around my perceived capacity as a mother, and sitting in the sun at the park, listening to them laugh and play, can provide a much welcomed respite from the “ugly place.”
Much love to those who need it. Carry on, warriors.
Thank you. I call it “being in the cave” rather than “being in the hole” but yes. I know. I’m there now. Also the full moon thing is true — just ask anyone who’s ever worked in a hospital or in a veterinary practice.
wow. just wow, y’all. whatever pithy stuff i was gonna say has gotten lost among the outpouring of souls here.. i can’t wait to read it all again. thanks, jenny, and everyone else in this ‘community,’ xoxo
500 Inspriring Quotes:
My boyfriend made this awesome FREE app (only availble inthe google app store, he hasn’t taught himself how to code for Apple yet): https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.casselprince.inspiringquotes
Its FREE and wonderful and helps me when I get down. It’s also on the Nook
I totally needed this post and I am eternally grateful you posted it. Life has been extremely overwhelming lately and I haven’t been coping well. I’m glad you read my mind and I know I am not alone in this crazy world even when I feel like it.
I’m sorry you are in the hole. That is what I call it too. I just climbed out. Again. The worst part is not feeling anything. You haven given a voice to those that didn’t have one. You have helped me, you have helped so many. Just hang on, ride it out and it will pass. We do feel things more deeply. I hang on for the simple moments of joy that come from unexpected places. Thanks for the info on sleep. As for the moon, it affects menstrual cycles…why not mood?
I wish my daughter could have read these posts before she decided she would be better off not here.Jenny, I am sure you help so many people and I love reading everything you write, on your ‘hole’ days and the other days too. Thank you.
Sending positive energy your way! You were so kind to respond to an email I sent you about my daughter (14) who struggles with anxiety and self injury. She is now working with a therapist who is using EMDR therapy with her. http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/emdr-what-is-it This therapy, I describe it as reorganizing your brain, and some med’s seem to be stretching out the time in-between self harm episodes. (I am going to suggest the ice and rubber band trick to her). Your recent taxidermy heaven post got me through a particularly low day – and yes, I think it’s safe to say we all have them. I am sorry to see that you are at a low point, glad you are surrounded with care and that you know how to get the help and support you need. It’s here for you!!
Jesus, I typed a whole long post and I lost it. Maybe I’ll re-create it later.
I love you Jenny and all the Tribe of Commenters (including Lurkers)!!!
You matter, all of you (or youse, as we say here in Chicagoland)!
This made me cry…I have struggled with mental illness my entire life and when I was younger tried to be the best at everything as a way to not let people see how much I was suffering from depression and anxiety. I was terrified of being defined by my illness and afraid that people would not see all that I had to offer the world. During college I too struggled with the thought of suicide, but my wonderful family reached out for help when I was not strong enough to do so. I agree that living with this is a struggle, but I feel more compassionate and able to understand the shoes that others walk in because of it. I appreciate how open you are to share your struggles and help break down all of the negative myths that circulate throughout our culture. Thank you for how you make me laugh, it definitely helps when I am down! And yes the full moon is a real thing, every healthcare worker swears by it!
Reblogged this on Random Acts of Hope & Mayhem and commented:
This is amazing and beautiful and worth reading!
I always feel so much better about myself after I read your posts, and I often use your posts to try to explain to my father, who doesn’t quite understand mental illness, how I feel. I have a blog also, it isn’t very popular, but I use it as an outlet and a way to get my feelings out to the world. I am a psych major and am really coming to understand just how much of a sickness it really is. Unfortunately, having a panic attack so bad that you have to sedate yourself until you are a zombie isn’t a good enough reason to call into work, but having a cold is. I don’t get it. Anywho….I would love to be an ear for somebody, or a shoulder to lean on, feel free to email me (luminessa08@yahoo.com) or leave comments on my blog.
I know this sounds a little odd, but my husband suffers from depression. When he starts to feel the down swing coming on, I load him up with red meat. (Sorry vegans. I know that makes you cringe.) For some strange reason, it sometimes helps stave off the cycle until he’s able to get past it. We have no idea why and neither does his psychiatrist. Steaks work best. I hope this might help with someone else…
(When I’m anemic I sometimes feel weak and depressed and protein can help that. Also, sometimes when I’m dehydrated it can bring on a bad spell. It’s all chemistry when it comes down to it. Finding what works for you is unique and special. ~ Jenny)
My psychologist told me there’s evidence that people who self-harm develop an addiction to it, and our brains response to pain like it’s a drug high. So now I try to think of this behaviour as an addiction I have to overcome, rather than yet another example of my weakness and how messed up I am.
Another thing I’ve found that helps is to help others. Even something as simple as emailing the web address of a site full of colouring pages to a friend with kids can make me feel just that little bit less worthless.
I know what will help cheer Jenny up! How about a drink? From a Taxidermied squirrel? http://www.brewdog.com/blog-article/341
Many years ago during a gray rain-filled day in March I looked out of my window and saw the Forsythia Bush in bloom in my yard. There was something about that color of yellow that caused a change in my eyes I felt it and my mood suddenly uplifted. From that on I collect photos with that color of yellow. It soothes me for some reason. It helps.
I really want to read all this and participate and help others. So badly. But I’ve learned that one of my triggers is falling down the rabbit hole of only thinking about depression and anxiety. For me, right now, I have to just think about me and what can be good, soon. And it makes me feel so guilty, especially when you’ve helped me feel like a part of your tribe, and I want to be that. But I’ve done this enough times to know that, right now, I can’t. I have to go eat spaghetti and apples (not together. Or maybe together. I haven’t tried that…) and watch something goofy on tv and fall asleep on the couch with the lights on. Finding those triggers and having someone who has my back who sees those things when I don’t- it’s what has kept me alive. When my husband asked me the other day how long it had been since I used my SAD light, I realized I was slipping and hadn’t even noticed.
So here’s my cheesy thing that keeps me going right now. I’m not a huge fan of inspirational quotes written in curly letters on Pinterest- they usually feel empty and… beige, I guess? But this one hit me right in the heart after my absolute worst bout of depression ever. “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she turned into a butterfly.” And that was me. I lost my dream job, I was losing my husband because of the time spent at the “dream job,” I was depressed, drinking, we couldn’t find a house, baby plans didn’t happen- everything was falling apart, it was all my fault, and I got ready to check out. But something stopped me and I started the very long road back. The VERY long road. But now- I have a great house, a kick-ass (if laughably low-paying) job I adore, a son who rocks harder than any kid around, a daughter on the way, and a husband who will never understand how much he saves me (and has taught me to save myself).
So every time I start slipping again, I remind myself- LOOK. Look at what you became because you held on. It may not feel like it will work again, but how can you possibly know unless you go see? What kind of butterfly will I be next?
I hope…. actually, that’s all. I just hope. And I hope everyone in your tribe does, too.
Thank you. I have a young relative who is dealing with some mental issues which her fairly new and your post brings enlightenment to me and hopefully to her as well. For what it’s worth, I don’t have any diagnosed mental issues, but I NEVER get a good night’s sleep when there is a full moon.
My twitter is elmtree916 – if anyone EVER needs help, please feel free to tweet at me (to me? I’m not on twitter much, but it sends me messages on my phone.
The rubber band thing works. As does the ice thing, even if it hurts like a fucking sonofabitch, but that’s kind of the point.
And a huge thank you to Jenny for being so honest about everything. It’s made a world of difference in my life. And probably has saved me.
I am so glad you are back. And you are the person that helps me when I am struggling. Thank you, as always.
My teenage daughter also struggles with depression, anxiety and also self-injury. Over a year’s time, we saw different doctors, therapists, different medicine regimes and even a 30 day inpatient treatment center. Finally, a friend of mine told me about a woman she sees who uses light touch, aroma and sound therapy and her clairvoyance to rid the body of negative energy. I know it sounds all hoodoo voodoo, but after the first visit, my daughter is a new person. A huge burden has been lifted from her shoulders, her grades improved, and she’s starting to make friends. The woman is not a Reiki healer. I just call her an energy healer for lack of a better term. I am SO glad we found her. Thank you Jenny for your posts and wisdom. I showed this entry to my daughter and she wants to read your book (even though I TRIED to get her to read it after I did!).
(I’ve done energy healing and it was all BS except for one women who did it so amazingly and really helped me to heal a physical wound. Some people have a gift. It’s rare, but I experienced it once many years ago. An open mind and a gift are wonderful combinations. I haven’t met anyone in the last 15 years who could really do it, but if you found someone to help then hold on to her. ~ Jenny)
The moon makes me even more crazier than I usually am, which is hard to imagine. And if you add PMS to the mix, things get even nuttier… Ahhhh, life…. I wish I were more Buddhist, but I’m not. Good to know that there are other crazy people out there. And I mean that in a good way!
Jenny, thank you. Thank you.
Thank you Jenny.
I appreciate your sharing and your bravery in doing so.
Please know that I’m here if you need me.
Toby >^..^< says ditto. He’s here if you need him too.
Looks like you made a smooth transition. I hope you start feeling better soon. Let’s all boycott the moon.
The past few months have been difficult for me. When I saw my psychiatrist the other day, he asked how I had been feeling and I shrugged and said, “Meh”. He looked at his computer and said, “I made a note last month when I asked the same question — you answered ‘Bleh’ — is ‘Meh” an improvement?” It made me laugh.
Besides depression, I have anxiety issues and when they are flaring up, I’m a skin picker. Sometimes I’ll have open wounds for months because I can’t leave them alone enough to heal. I tried keeping my nails short, but that didn’t work for me — so I tried acrylic nails – they look great and they are thick enough that I have trouble catching the edge of any scab or rough skin, which helps me break the cycle. But even they aren’t enough if the anxiety is bad enough (I’ve been known to get tweezers and go to town). Jenny, thanks for the tip with the Elmer’s Glue — I’m going to try it!
I also take Trazadone to help with sleep. I metabolize medication in a “not normal” fashion — so while it really helps me to get to sleep, I still wake up about four hours later — but those four hours are quality sleep, which I didn’t use to get. Also, when I get bad, I just keep repeating to myself, “You are not the only one who feels this way.” It just makes me feel less alone to know others who share my struggle are out there.
In case someone sees this and it might help them:
I have trouble sleeping because of trauma nightmares. I just got put on a beta blocker that helps people with PTSD nightmares have better dreams. It has been a little over a month and it seems to be helping. I can actually sleep though the night 6 nights out of 7. I’m not going to say the name of the drug, because this isn’t a commercial for it. I’m just saying that such a thing does exist. Ask your doctor/therapist if they think it might help you. It’s pretty low on side effects. I was worried it would drop my already chronically low blood pressure, but I haven’t passed out yet. If you have terrible nightmares and wake up sweaty and freaked out, there might be help.
My coping tricks…
Strangely enough, when I’m down, I watch old mythbusters episodes on my phone. They bring me to a better time in my life.
Also reading, listening, or watching George Carlin. He just keeps it so real, if that makes any sense…
And, lastly, my brave little boy, who’s only 10, but looks like he has the world’s knowledge behind his eyes… He helps me, keeps me in awe that I am his mother…
Ok, one more thing… My kitty boys Jack and Figaro. They sense when I’m down and will snuggle up. 🙂
It’s a long road, but, even being the lurker that I am here, I’m glad to know I’m not walking on this road alone. Thank you all…
@meepstar7
As a Mom to a child who is so painfully struggling just to exist some days it is nice to be able to read these comments and suggestions. It give me hope I can help her sludge through the tough times. We have tried Zoloft and Prozac both which sent her into full on mania, one which sent her to the hospital with a suicide attempt. Being a 12 yr old girl in middle school is hard enough but add on the emotional roller coaster of hormones, mean girls, and grades and I can sympathize why some days it’s tough just to get out of bed.
But what do you do when she says she just doesn’t want to exist anymore.
(Remind her that middle school is the hardest time in life. Followed by high school. But after that you’re free to find your tribe, and that is a wonderful thing. And we’re here for her. Mean girls are assholes and hormones are terrible, but there are so many wonderful things waiting for her. Middle school was the worst period of my life. Knowing that things will get better might help. They do. Sending you both love. Middle school is hard enough without adding in mental illness, but myself – and many others here – are proof that surviving it is a battle that is difficult but doable. Things do get better. And thank you for understanding and trying to help her. Most of us grew up in an era when mental illness wasn’t as recognized as it is now. She’s lucky to have you and vice versa. ~ Jenny)
OMG, the winter about kills me. The days are shorter and cold and then this damn fog rolls in for days on end! Why do I live in this state??? Thankfully I can drive an hour up in elevation to find the sunshine when it gets really bad with the fog. (if that doesn’t happen this weekend it will be next weekend for sure) It’s pure stubbornness that keeps me aware of how low I am so I can keep my meds up to the right dose. I refuse to go back to the point I was at, (thankfully) several years ago now, because my children deserve better from me. (I actually need to go pick up my scrpt tonight)
Singing helps, oranges help, listening to my children laugh helps. I take a calcium pill with vitamin D and magnesium. I take an extra B vitamin. I take a multivitamin. I take an anti-depressant (year round) It all mingles together to help slightly. I dream about spring and summer when I can roller-blade again. Sometimes I just glare at the cold and fog. LOL I walk in the sun (bundled in my coat) when it peaks through the gray. Sometimes I just cry … because when you are so hurt, and so alone that you don’t even trust your own husband to talk with … what else is left to do?
I tell myself that depression lies and that I deserve to be better. I allow myself to be ok with ME, just the way I am. Warts and all.
I’m thankful that I have your blog, and Allie’s (I miss her and need to buy her book – I hope she is doing well). I read your book. (OMG, I thought my daughter was going to die of embarrassment when I first got it and we were in the waiting room for her knee surgery. I could not help but laugh out loud!)
This is one of my favorite songs, the video and the dancing is great:
Thank you Jenny – Love you!
http://m.huffpost.com/uk/entry/4593854 Quite possibly the cutest cat ever to help anyone who needs it laugh a little bit. I know I needed it today. My name is Rachel, I live in Raleigh, NC and I have been told I am a good listener. My twitter is @blueyeddanger73 if anyone needs an ear. I have a long history of mental illness in my family so I am not a stranger to it.
Thank you for sharing yourself Jenny. It helps so much. Thanks also to the community for being so open and honest. It helps to know that I am not alone.
Also, I.W.O.A. stands for International Woman of Awesome and is a title given to me by my husband as a gift for mother’s day a few years ago. He even created me a logo and business cards. It is silly but sometimes when I am having a really hard time I remind myself that there is at least one person in this world who thinks that I am an I.W.O.A. and it helps give me strength to not be so hard on myself.
Feel free to join club I.W.O.A. because all of you sharing your selves are awesome in my book. #depressionlies.
I’ve bookmarked the page to refer to it when I need to. Thank you for writing this.
Jenny, I am in the throughs of menopause, yep, I have made my husband’s life a living hell….all he has to do is close the window when it is -26 below Celsius. That’s just plain fucking cold for all of you folks in the states! Anyway one of my issues is that I was getting no sleep from night sweats which severely aggravated my depression. I am on Trazadone and it truly truly helps. Even though I still get night sweats, it helps me to go right back to sleep. I still have some bad days but the Trazadone has been very beneficial. I am sending you good thoughts. You are brave and your blog, with your amazing honesty, makes a difference in your readers lives. Thank you.
Jenny, you are wrong about what brave is. There are days when brave is continuing to breathe when all you want to do is stop. Brave is thinking of your daughter and all of the people who love you before each breathe. And god knows brave is plumbing the very depths of your pain and fear out where everyone can see your most tender insides because just maybe it will help a total stranger. Like it did me. I’m so glad that you are you, Jenny. And I know that you are very brave.
This is so lovely, thank you. I have depression (coupled with some anxiety issues), and it took me a long time to get comfortable with saying I have a mental illness. I used to say “I’m not sick, my emotions are just fucked up.” It took a long time to admit I have an illness (even though I started showing symptoms at 10 and I’m 28). Admitting that my illness is just as real as any other helped a lot. I especially want to thank you for the self harm advice. I’ve managed to not do it for a while, but the desire is still there.
Some things that help me are: watching mindless funny things on Netflix (cartoons are a particular favorite), listening to music or a podcast (sometimes the sound of voices talking helps soothe my brain), talking to a trusted friend (not just about my depression but anything), journaling, or finding some project to work on to take my mind off of things.
My twitter handle is howbeautiful if anyone here needs someone to talk to. 🙂
Some thoughts:
First, a couple of quotes. This one isn’t new to anyone, but it still helps:
“This guy’s walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can’t get out. A doctor passes by and the guy yells up, “Hey, can you help me out?” The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts out, “Father, I’m down in this hole, can you help me out?” The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. “Hey Joe, it’s me, can you help me out?” and the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, “Are you stupid, now we’re both down here.” The friend says, “Yeah, but I’ve been down here before and I know the way out.” – Aaron Sorkin, The West Wing
The second one is by Lois McMaster Bujold, source of many of my favorite quotes: “I’ve always thought tests are a gift. And great tests are a great gift.”
Second, some thank yous.
For sharing so openly, for providing a space,for creating a community, for offering such insight, thank you.
And for your humor. You are a place I turn to on a dark day, knowing that there is hysterical laughter to be had, from transvestite legos or a bobcat skull with tinsel, for Christmas. Thank you.
And most of all, for the matter-of-fact permissiveness of your worldview. That it’s okay to be strange IN MY OWN WAY. Thank you.
I am a yoga teacher and the full moon affect is absolutely true. I also used to battle depression and found my way out however, this last full moon was a doozy for myself (you ) and a whole lot of other people. Try to find the laughter in the crazy and thank you for providing us with your loving support and crazy humor to help keep each of us a little more in the happy zone. xoxox
So often you seem to know exactly how I’m feeling and manage to say it in exactly the right way. Thank you for being a real person and sharing so much of your life with us.
Ask any bartender…that moon shit is REAL. Hang in there girlie…we love you.
Things that will make me laugh, no matter what:
Tom and Jerry cartoons. Laughing baby youtubes. Cary Grant comedies, especially Bringing Up Baby.
Consumer Reports recently said studies show that white noise machines are almost (only minus 5%) as effective as sleeping pills. I like this one, S-550-05 Sound Therapy System by Sound Oasis. It’s not horribly expensive, I like the pre-loaded sounds and can’t discern a pattern (which I can with most of these devices and it makes me batshitnuts). AND you can also get little cards with other sounds, like traffic, someone vacuuming, or the inside of an airplane.
There are also some good free sites online if you want to just have your laptop running. This one is my favorite: http://naturesoundsfor.me. It’s fun–you can custom make your own white noise from a whole bunch of sounds available, including someone doing things in the kitchen (which makes me feel as if my mom is here taking care of me).
Chocolate.
Frozen grapes.
Sending big hugs to all who need ’em,
Lisa
You are AWESOME! I am positive:) AND do not let anyone let you believe otherwise (because they are oh so wrong:)
Furthermore…everyone I know LOVES your writing:)
Love ya, lady. Good job being you.
when my parents get pissed and tell me that i have to take back all the cats i just adopted and dressed up, im referring them to you. not because it’d be your fault, but because im pretty sure you could talk them into letting me keep them.
You have been my angel tonight. I cannot believe how horridly low this week has been for me, tasting the dirt on the bottom of the pit. Someone on FB posted this, and it was as if you were sitting there writing an email to ME. You touched on so many things that I do, think about, and feel during my depression. You are the most direct, honest person I’ve ever heard talk about it. So, thank you. I am sobbing in relief that I’m not alone. It has been a very very bad week. xoxo
As much of a bummer as it is to feel like this, post like this do help me feel so much less alone and I thank you for that.
Thank you so much for this post, it was just what i needed today. I have a very complicated… scratch that. Ridiculously ridiculous that no one would ever believe you. — family situation that has led to me being almost mentally incapacitated. It involves intensive, 15-year long child abuse from my father, who we now know is deeply psychotic. But everyone knows him as the most wonderful, upstanding man and if I were to try to say anything to the people in my life, who all know him, I’d be written off as hysterical and disturbed.
No one can understand, because when you’re abused be someone who is mad, you can’t understand what happened to me without understanding the perpetrator’s madness. It’s like expecting your friend to understand Swahili. I mean, there are people who understand. Doctors. A few other family members who have also suffered at his hands. Just a tiny handful of people, in a world that leaves you no other option but to smile and carry on as though nothing is wrong.
Some things are just too convoluted and complicated, sound too crazy, too unlikely. Too insane. And it makes you feel so incredibly alone. Not to be able to say anything. Knowing from experience, what happens if you do.
Thanks for helping me get through today. You’re an answer to prayer 🙂
(People who are good at abuse are good at manipulating people into thinking they are innocent. It doesn’t mean they are. It just means they’re good at what they do. It’s not your fault and I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. Sending you love. ~ Jenny)
This is amazingly timed just right. Sometimes we all just need to know that we aren’t alone in our struggles.
I have not been OK this week. Even less OK than usual, which is saying something, because at best I’m only ever ok or okish or eh or yikes. It’s been paralyzing and that’s scary, watching myself sit frozen with misery and a low, constant hum of panic. Bills are piling up and I could earn the money to pay them (I freelance) if I could just MOVE. But I can’t. I won’t be able to tonight, and maybe not tomorrow either. I don’t know when the fog will let up enough to come back to life. But the turkey butler made me laugh like I haven’t in awhile. Thank you Jenny.
What helps me is making plans for something months ahead that I can look forward to.
A trip, a concert (usually), a book signing.
Then when things get really bad I can tell myself to hang on until I do that one thing and by the time it happens, whatever I was going through tends to be less terrible.
Stupid WordPress ate my comment.
I’m happy to say that I’m finally coming out of the darkness, but I’m terrified that it won’t last. One of the best things that happened to me is when you told me “Depression Lies” and I believe it. The best support I have gotten throughout my depression has come from people I met on Twitter. I have never felt judged. I’d love to connect with more of those kind of people. I’m BoSoxAmy.
Thank you for this. Was just googling earlier about natural antidepressants. This was needed. Nice to know I’m not alone. Thank you!!
It took me years and my mother’s death to find the right therapist when I was in what seemed to be a hole without end. Slowly climbing out. “depression lies” has helped many, many times. Two words filled with truth. I’m @janetlcappiello
Oh Jenny,
I can’t thank you enough for sharing your truths so openly. I’ve been in that hole so long now, and i have to tell you that one of the things that helps me the most is reading your words. All of them. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone
Yes. This. Totally.
Not totally better. Just that I totally identify.
And there’s something weirdly poignantly magical when a depressed person makes another depressed person laugh. I think. So it must be true.
Anyway, we should ask Oprah to get on that turkey butler thing. “YOU get a turkey butler! And YOU get a turkey butler! And…”
(I don’t know how I made your words indent and italicize. Apparently I’m magical.)
As much at it is nice to hear the people who support you tell you that they get it BUT this post (and ones like it) make me take a step back and think “shit thats exactly how I feel” and “wow she really gets it”. Reading this gave me the much needed reminder that I am not the only person fighting this fight. There are not enough words to say thank you.
Whenever I have an anxiety attack, this song gives me comfort:
ps Ze Frank (the guy who made the song) is incredible, I highly suggest looking up his videos on youtube, he gets it.
Thought this might interest you, even though it’s only in Canada….http://letstalk.bell.ca/en/
I plan on texting till my phone explodes that day! It’s nice to see a large company taking the lead and promoting awareness…and, no, I don’t work for them! 🙂
Oh wow. I want to thank you for sharing with everyone (and for everything else you do & are).
This line from the last point made me burst into tears & I wished my 16-25 year old self could read it: “And when you doubt your worth, imagine your younger sister or your best friend or your child having these same doubts and realize that that same sense of angry disbelief that the world would ever be better without them is the exact same disbelief that your friends and family would feel if they lost you. You are as special and irreplaceable as the people you love most.”
Yes. Over & over this is true. Thank you.
It’s amazing how powerful a walk is to improve my mood. The tough part is getting out the door… the more depressed I am, the harder it is to get out the door for that much needed walk.
Thank you Jenny. I so needed this today. You inspire me and your community remind me that I am not alone. Currently in the deepest and most scariest hole I am ever been in. Have family and friends with me. I am just so sad. And lonely, and tired, and aching from the heart, and exhausted.
Twitter @JodiLynnTarney
Thank you Jenny. You also inspire me. I needed this. I am currently in the darkest, scariest hole I have ever been in and I can’t seem to get out. I am sad. Lonely, lost, and exhausted. I have friends and family doing their best which is incredible. Trying to fight and remember the lies. Thx. I love you.
Twitter @JodiLynnTarney
Great blog.
I sleep terribly no matter what the moon is doing. It used to be I just couldn’t go to sleep and then had trouble waking up, now even if I eventually get to sleep I often pop awake a min or an hour later (unless it’s when I need to get up then it’s a struggle) and start the whole trying to get to sleep thing again. Never had a sleep study but we tested my cortisol and it was high at night and low in the morning, which is opposite ‘normal’. Treating adrenal fatigue, no stimulants, zinc, and adrenal bits in a pill, helped some. It is far more common than people think. I think anyone who has any sort of trauma should look into it. It actually helps me to step out of myself and help someone else. And then there is hormone balance, so many things to knock us out of balance, low fat diets, women take the pill, hormones in meat, etc. Using bio identical progesterone cream has helped me stay clear of that weepy end of the world place. I tried anti depressants, a bunch of different ones, that was a sucky year. I had my first full blown, crouched in a corner trying not to claw myself, panic attack, when I wasn’t having adverse reactions I was on a dreary medium low. I will never go near that type of ‘medicine’ again. I could feel it carving new ‘crazy’ pathways in my mind. (For the people it really works for and need it to not be in danger good for them but it brought me closer to crazy than my own mind ever has) I did learn one invaluable lesson from them though, it’s all chemistry. Now I rarely take one of my out of the blue weeping sessions seriously/personally. ‘Why are you so upset?’ Shrugging through tears ‘chemicals’. I really don’t get why this is so hard for others to understand sometimes but I guess until you experience the difference between feelings and self it could be a strange concept. My anxiety is not some sort of inner failing, it’s a chemical imbalance of some sort. My wonderful new symptom of flares of ire are usually at least somewhat smoothed over by food, yes, more chemistry. Blood sugar imbalances are a good thing to check. I had a relationship once where we learned that the only time we fought was when we were both hungry. And biotoxin illness, 25 percent of the population has this thing in our genes that doesn’t let us detox certain types of toxins like toxic mold and lymes, you can recover but just not recover. Feeling like crap, like no matter how much you try and exercise, eat right, think happy thoughts, can make you depressed, duh. And YES, Vitamin D! And not the stuff they dump into dairy and sunlight just doesn’t do it for everyone (some study done of people who got LOTS of sun but were still low). This is something they should have tested and treated me for a long time ago, and it has taken my own reverse engineering and the internet to find out that low D is probably the reason I’m falling apart. Literally, my cartilage is falling apart! Disc degeneration, cartilage tears with no injury, weakness. I just figured this out. Oh how I love doctors ( so much sarcasm it’s not funny). They probably won’t take me seriously till I have a hanging stump of some sort! But god forbid I self medicate with some herbs and supplements. Learning to have gratitude for the things I do have and expressing it to others (and teaching them to express gratitude to me and others 😉 has helped immensely. So…. Other things to try, zinc, there’s this zinc copper balance thingy where they take up each others receptors, usually it’s copper hogging up the slots, which makes us weepy which stresses us out (and makes me want to smoke because of another chemical it balances) and depletes our zinc even more and our magnesium. Does it seem like I’m talking in circles yet? I live in spirals, those ‘you are very sleepy’ hypno spirals they play on the screen, except they don’t make me sleepy, just nauseous. Okay, that’s enough. I’ll probably have anxiety that I wrote something wrong the second I hit ‘post’. This is why I don’t write one of those books I want to, that and all the brain fog, good for you, Jenny, for doing it. Maybe for next Halloween I’ll dress as a periodic element chart with bloody fangs. When people ask what I am I’ll answer ‘depression, anxiety, angst, oh my!’
For any of you who are religious and deal with depression, let me tell you a story.
I’m a pastor’s wife and my husband’s first parish was in rural Minnesota. I was out for a walk and ran into a parishioner. The following conversation took place:
KJ: Khouria Jen (“Khouria” is the Antiochian Orthodox title for the pastor’s wife. I’m just Jen to most people. I’m also Lutheran.)
PP: Penny Parishioner
KJ: Hey Penny.
PP: Hey Jen. sighs Sorry I look so down. I’m having a hard time fighting anxiety right now. proceeds to explain her depression and anxiety to me
KJ: Penny, you don’t need to explain it. I’m on [insert medication] for depression and anxiety too.
PP: You are?!?!?!? But you’re the pastor’s wife! And you hide it so well!
It stopped being so surprising that I dealt with it when I was given Prednisone for bronchitis and had a panic attack so bad that I scratched up my arms, legs, face, and stomach. (For some people, Prednisone can be like throwing gasoline on a fire when it comes to anxiety.) It took enough Ativan to stun an elephant before I could calm down and of course, rumors about this spread all over town. (God bless the rumor mill in small towns! /sarcasm)
Moral of the story: your pastor’s wife has it too and probably would love to tell you how normal you are.
Thank you, Jenny. As a parent of an 18 year old who has just been diagnosed with depression, it’s very hard – and painful – when your primary role has been to prepare, provide and protect to find yourself in a position where you can’t just pull out the toolbox and fix something that is hurting your family. A massive sense of helplessness and, to a large extent, failure.
Having read your blog for a number of years and enjoyed it immensely, your writing today gives me strength. Thank you.
We are all fucked up. We can help each other get through the bad shit. If we are not asshats to each other. Plus also? Wine. The end.
My father has struggled with depression most of his life. At points it has been completely debilitating. He has been through a few clinical trials and is mostly unhelped my meds. He has tried everything. He has done TMS twice and although it helped, it’s not long term for him. He has had a few consults now for ECT. That is very scary to us all. His business he has worked for his whole life is failing because most days he can’t get out of bed. If he does it’s not for long periods of time. Any advice, any ideas…anything to help him I would love to hear. Thanks @sarah7246
I know how you feel, I’ve been there myself so many times I’ve lost count.
I have Asperger’s Syndrome (diagnosed last year at age 41), as well as anxiety and depression, PTSD and goodness knows what else.
I have only my wife for support – my family are toxic to say the least, and my wife only has her mother left, who is in the throes of dementia, but vehemently in denial about it.
Shrinks don’t work for me; a previous couple of misdiagnoses and trips to the psych ward in my teems have made me too wary of them, so I stick with GP’s and a good psychologist that specialises in Autism Spectrum Disorders, as well as some of my other issues.
Only since the diagnosis last year has this all started to make sense, and I can see how the conditions co exist, and from time to time conspire against me to make me feel unable to cope.
I’ve learned that I need to be more cognizant of stress levels, triggers, and other things that will set me up for a spiral of anxiety, frustration, and lead me towards depression or meltdowns.
I have a history of self harm, and worse, but have that under control, sometimes just knowing what your problems are, what your triggers are, and where your limits lay can help you avoid stretching yourself beyond your coping skills, but it takes time, patience and practice; thankfully as we age these things come a bit more natural, but try explaining that to someone going through a meltdown or serious bout of depression; feeling stabby? when it comes to being at the end of one’s tether, you bet!
Sometimes I can head these terrible bouts off with exercise, meditation, mindfulness, a walk through the bush, or something funny, and sometimes nothing will work and I am stuck with the option of trying to ride it out or take over the counter meds. I find Phenergan helps, as it is both an antihistamine (hay fever is also one of my problems that can lead to the downward spiral) and a sedative, so if all else fails I can at least have a nap or finally settle off to sleep.
All the tips you have suggested work from time to time, but of course depression and the like seem to have a mind of their own, and as you learn techniques to cope, they learn other ways to subvert you; like having your own internal nemesis.
I totally agree about the full moon thing; I know that scientifically at present there is not enough empirical evidence either way, but I know from my own moods, from my experience working in public contact roles, and from the perceived increase in sirens, violence, stupid incidents, and the number of not quite right people and events you see around the full moon, that there seems to be something in it.
At the very least the full moon means more light, which means more people out at night, and harder to get the dark you need to get a good night’s sleep.
Surely if the moon effects the tides, plant crops, seasons, and animals it must have some effect on humans, but only more research will prove it.
Keep on keeping on, and for those like Jenny that struggle at times, you are far from alone, you are not mad, and your owe it to yourself to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it is not an oncoming train; it just feels that way sometimes.
If Jenny can go through all that she goes through, and still be a successful author, and write this amazing blog, which inspires an international community of fans, then there is hope for all of us, especially those of us who don’t feel we’re worth it, because everyone feels like that from time to time.
Rock on everyone.
So many on here have said it already and better, but music is definitely an awesome coping mechanism. I liked what you said about smell, too; peeling an orange is a great idea. And I also worked in a hospital for years and the moon definitely plays a role scientific evidence or not! Just work in an ER during a full moon. That’s enough evidence!
This Full Moon was in the sign of Cancer, a very emotionally-charged sign, which means everyone affected by the moon will be more emotional and, depending on what house it is in your chart, it can involve different things. Example: in my chart Cancer is in my 5th house of pleasure & children so I’ve had a few days of not being very happy about anything and having very little patience with my 8yr old. I am not an astrologer, just someone who took a very good class and likes to see how the planets/stars/moons actually affect us
When you fall into the hole and wirte a post about it, I usually skip it and try to find the next funny one. Not because I don’t care, can’t relate or don’t find it unimportant. For the exact opposite reason: I can relate TOO much a lot of the time. I have ADHD and am Bipolar and my mom has been struggling with severe depression since before I was born, including being forcibly committed while she was still breastfeeding me. Sometimes I skip these posts because the pain of others make me cry, sometimes I skip them because I don’t think myself strong enough to deal with my own pain and that of my mom in such a direct fashion.My own cowardice aside, I want you to know that it’s extremely generous of you to make posts such as these, not only showing people that they’re not alone but also showing them how to hel themselves or get help from others when they need it. Love, Søren (yep, that’s the non-standard letter in my name 😉 )
I love you, Jenny! You have inspired and supported so many people that you don’t even know. My daughter and I hope to meet you some day.
This post came at a perfect time. My boyfriend of 7 years ended things out of the blue last weekend and I’m still reeling and heartbroken and lonely and trying to figure out what the hell happened – all while also having to find a new place to live (which will be on my own for the very first time). It’s awfully hard to feel anything positive under the circumstances, but this made me at least feel like I’m not alone in hurting and struggling.
This is one of the most beautiful and meaningful posts you have written and that’s saying a whole lot. I love everything you write. You make me laugh and cry and think. You are wonderful. Keep up the good fight and know that you are loved by many.
You are such an inspiration to so many people. How you hold it together enough to reach out and touch other people who are struggling is just amazing to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for using your platform to address these issues and to show other people how to get help. We love you whether you have your shit together or not…..because we all have our days and we want to be loved too. <3
I was starting to feel extra weird bc I actually am better during a full moon. The new moon is darker times for me (beyond the obvs). But hey, even the misfit toys aren’t all the same.
Thanks for sharing these type of posts. Keep being awesome.
Thank you so much for this post. I read your blog regularly but I’ve never really commented before. I am struggling so much, it’s been a few weeks when everything feels like it’s going wrong (and is), and this made me cry and made me feel better. Thank you.
This is beautifully said, and all so true.
I’m fortunate that I don’t suffer from depression, but I do have my “down” periods, and I’ve been going through one the last few days (full moon? Maybe) — to the point where I was reading an old kid’s book I haven’t read in decades and I was crying openly through it and still felt hugely, mentally exhausted by the emotional roller-coaster it put me on (“Rilla of Ingleside,” if you’re interested)… brooding on a scene toward the end of the story which was making my stomach twist. Very unhealthy. Fictional kitten from a book written almost a century ago…
Anyway, it’s always nice to know I’m not the only one. You are loved, too.
Social scientists may not have yet been able to prove a link between lunar cycles and behavior, but most other scientists have. Nonhuman animals are very driven by lunar cycles, whether it be breeding or nesting or hatching or migration. Why should we, as humans, be any different? We are all made of the same stuff, and are just as affected by the lunar cycles as the moths and the turtles. Indigenous peoples for thousands and thousands of years have lived in very close association with the moon and her antics.
I have a plan to end my life Monday when I’m off work and have the house to myself. This blog very well may have saved my life. I don’t know whether to say thank you or not. I just want the pain to end.
(I’m so glad you saw this. I promise you that it can get better. I’ve been there. I’m so glad I didn’t do it. If I would have I would have missed so many things. And it was worth it. Even with the ups and downs I’d still choose to do it all again and that’s what I remind myself of when depression lies and tells me that it would be better to be gone and that it wouldn’t scar everyone around me. It would though. And people need me alive. And people need you alive. More people than you can guess. Hang on. Tell someone you love that you need help. When you’re this far down you can’t do it alone. My husband had to save me from myself until the right drugs worked and it wasn’t overnight. But it eventually worked. And I’m so incredibly lucky and glad that it did. You are important. Not just to the people you know and love now, but also to the people who you will one day know and love and have a profound effect on. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to the people in your life and in your future. You’re a part of this tribe and there aren’t enough of us out there. Please stay. We need you. ~ Jenny)
This is a great post and one that is definitely helpful for me to read today. I’ve had anxiety and depression for years and only recently discovered your book and then your blog. Lately, life has been kicking my ass so reading other peoples’ stories about mental illness, especially stories told by people who have a sense of humor about it, has been a huge help. I’ve learned that having the ability to laugh at yourself and all of the undesirable situations you find yourself in is one of the best ways to fight them. It’s easy to lay down on your floor and cry hysterically for hours and, sometimes, it’s entirely necessary to do so and I’ve spent a lot of doing that as well. Sometimes, if you can manage it, it feels good to get outside and take a walk. Exercise usually helps. I do hot yoga which has made a world of a difference in the way I think and relate to myself, my anxiety and depression, and other people. Journaling is also really important. Not only does it help you document what you feel, how you feel it, and when you feel it, but it feels good to just write until you can’t write anymore. Don’t worry about spelling, grammar, if what you’re writing is even making sense. It’s not for anyone else and no one ever has to read it. Sometimes when I have one obsessive thought, I just write that over and over again until I’ve had enough. Though it might sound simple and obvious, breathing also helps. A lot of times I will forget to breathe or realize that I’ve been holding my breath. Don’t do this. It will make your anxiety worse. Make yourself a cup of tea, read something funny or uplifting, and breathe for a while until you feel ready to move on with your day. And don’t be afraid to call a friend if you need someone. I’m still working on this one, but it helps you to at least feel connected to someone out there and just hearing from someone you love will usually make your problems feel a little more manageable. I hope these tips are helpful.
Thank you. You are MY song at this moment. So thank you for your post.
Thank you….
56 years of sleep issues and now I know.
I’m bipolar. So if ANYONE needs a shoulder. I’m here. I understand.
my twitter is @kellysquared
all the hugs
Here in the U.K. we suffer from lack of vitamin D and sunlight. Your blog has stimulated some of the right cells in my brain.
You might like my blog womensriseasbusinessleaders.blogspot.com
I was here this week. Really a dark trip to the edge of “Fuck This Shit Gorge.” Surrounding yourself with people who love you (especially the weird and confusing parts) is a blessing. If it helps to tweet me, you can find me here ==> @mckra1g
If anyone ever needs someone to just vent or talk to, please reach out. I’ll listen and be the shoulder you can cry or lean on. Twitter.com/sheliataylor. You are not alone.
I cannot tell you how much I needed to see these words this week.
Thank you for this post. And, there is not a teacher alive that doesn’t know that the moon truly does affect us:)
I stumbled on your blog from a link in Zite; I’m very glad I did, thank you. You put into words exactly how I feel and having someone who knows what this awful feeling feels like and can express it so well gives validation to the whole thing for me. I don’t/can’t express this to many people, they don’t understand, and until they’ve been here they really never will. Psychiatrists for me are hard to take, I haven’t found one who understands and isn’t trying to blame it all on my alcoholic father. Having said that, I was finally diagnosed with PTSD last year and did EMDR therapy which has helped a lot; with the anxiety, not the depression. For me finding the right medication has been the biggest hurdle, I’ve tried 8 different medicines over the last 22 years and only 3 have worked and only for 3-4 years each.
it’s not always easy to remember depression lies. i have a hard time remembering that sometimes. and sometimes i just have to take my pants off and zone out on the couch watching cartoons. or cat videos. either.
tweet me @stephgas if you feel alone or need to be reminded that depression lies. sometimes i need to be reminded, too.
Oh God. This made me cry so much. I’ve been struggling with mild depression for a few weeks now. I’m terrified that it’s going to roll into something bigger. I have this secret fear that my meds are not working any more. And, I’ve been engaging in some really helpful behaviors, like berating myself for not being able to snap out of it…
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
The comments are amazing…I love the other people so damn much. They’re fascinating
I know that hole…intimately. We so often think we are alone in that hole but shine a little light around and see it’s a very crowded hole. Sometimes I think the worse part is when you feel yourself sliding in to the hole. Then there are times you just want to jump in and keep digging! And the funny, mind numbing, dribble works wonders for me. My partner refers to them as ’12 yr old boy’ movies! And DON’T watch the news. That will depress anyone. Cartoon channel is much better! See you on the surface.
I’m leaving this open in my browser like a little life raft in the muck
From another misfit toy. Hope this makes you laugh. It is the funniest porduction story EVER!
Thanks for this. I’ve been feeling really depressed the past few days and chalked it up to being overwhelmed with trying to manage and market a blog with slender funds and scant free time. My other jobs are consuming so I get no time off, but yesterday I just crashed and couldn’t do much of anything. Never thought about the moon’s influence, though I did see its fat Velveeta face shining up there Thursday night. It’s always helpful to track down causes that cycle and shift that way–they serve as reminders that the the blue devils will move on, too. It’s even more helpful to find communities like this one where kind souls buck each other up.
Here are some of my recommendations for dealing with depression: http://www.hangdogrevival.com/friend-to-yourself/
Thank you. Just like it helped you to “feel better to have someone nod and knowingly say, “It’s not all just in your head,” it can help someone to read you saying, “Just try this.” Even though I Know to do that thing, you Telling Me To helps it seem like a more useful suggestion.
I didn’t know what to say when I first read this. There is so much going on in my head. This place makes me feel less alone. Like I belong somewhere. You are my people and I love you all. I posted my first poem about this on my blog, not nearly my first written by any means, but first published. Go read.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! From a bi-polar, Hoshimoto Syndrome screwed mom of 6 year old twins. I don’t blog, sew, PTO, bake or have a monetary paying job. I exist, do laundry, get my family and house through each day; one at a time. Oh and I read your blog. Strangely, in this last week from hell my go to song was Aqualung, as well. Brighter Than Sunshine.
Thank you from a fellow Texan.
(wow, you have a lot of readers, I had to scroll forever).
Since I’ve started observing the tides a few years ago, I can definitely say the lunar cycles have a profound affect on me, from how light my hair is, to when I’m going to wake up in the middle of the night, (usually just after the moon crosses overhead on this side of the world, and when it crosses the antipode, (other side of the world, I looked it up, I’m using it), on the other.
Best of luck, I have no idea how I ended up opening this tab, but have been a long time admirer. (Also, I didn’t read anything past your mention of the moon. Sorry. Bad internet commenter.)
Thank you. Messages of hope from down in the hole are special and valuable.
This is a bad time of year for feeling physically depressed- sluggish, grey and cold. My GP recommended doing more stuff that gets endorphins flowing- mainly excercise (the horror!) but also stuff like singing, dancing, sex (as if) and just getting a good night out with friends. It’s hard to find the energy to start, but worth it when you do.
About the suicidal ideas Maggie was talking about- I eventually kicked my own suicide obsession just by saying to myself “but you’re not actually going to do it, are you now” every single time I thought about it. Took over a year, mind.
Hasty amendment to above- not a recommended tactic if you have a history of ACTUAL suicide attempts.
Great post; great comments. I have suffered with depression for 40+ years – I have yet to try magnesium, but I just put it on the list. I have been practicing MBSR – mindfulness based stress reduction for about 18 months, and I feel as though it has helped me more than anything I have ever done. I also recommend any of the books by Jon Kabat Zinn – he is sort of the father of MBSR. This meditation and practicing gratitude have helped my to change my thought patterns and have brought me a sense of peace that I would have never imagined to be possible.
We love you Jenny; your bravery makes we broken ones braver out in the world.
Thank you! This is awesome and so are you for being brave and sharing this with the world! Depression & anxiety (along with chronic pain) rule the majority of my life and these words are ones I’ll come back to time and time again.
Scientists may have not yet proven the correlation between the full moon and weird things happening..if they spent some time in a school, it would be conclusive!!
In addition, I know it has been a much harder year for depression and SAD suffers..It hit earlier and harder for myself and a number of ppl I know.
Thanks for the great words!
On a separate note, today is the 1 year anniversary of the passing of my cousin, who suffered for many years from BiPolar Depression. We were each others sounding boards..so it’s hard to not have her here when I need her, but I know she’s here in spirit, and she is finally at peace.
You are amazing everyday. Whenever I feel like crap about my life, I just read your blog, and immediately feel better.
I’m a stage 3 melanoma survivor who used tanning beds just for 5-10 minutes once a week. My cancer diagnosis happened when I was 28. Melanoma is one of the fastest growing cancers in young women. It has no cure and is deadly. Please don’t use tanning beds ever.
Don’t forget to get plenty of vitamin C and calcium so your body can absorb the vitamin D you’re getting/taking. (In the UK, there’s this orange juice called Tropicana who do a variety with added calcium, and another one with extra multivitamins, including D. I have a glass of the calcium one with breakfast and then the multivitamin one afterwards; I’ve had a bit of an upswing since I started doing that.)
Chocolate. Dark chocolate. It might not be the answer for everyone, but it’s been a godsend for me. I make sure I have a chocolatey cake or some chocolate every day and it really makes a difference. If you’re worried about gaining weight, throw in some extra exercise, which is also good for the mood.
Keep a journal, diary or blog. You can spot triggers and patterns in your moods by looking back through it and it lets you vent.
Wallow a bit. Pushing yourself to get better (and everyone else pushing you too) or trying to pretend that you are better, just put more pressure on you. Take some time to stay in bed all day, listen to sad songs, eat a tub of ice cream and just be depressed rather than trying to be normal all the time. You’re ill – really genuinely ill – so act like it and pamper yourself.
Just remember, depression is not just sad thoughts in an ethereal spiritual mind; it’s also biological – it’s real, it’s in the meat. If you are injected with adrenaline, you feel frightened and aggressive, regardless of how intelligent you are or how much willpower you have. If you are injected with resperidine, you will feel miserable and cry. If someone cut out the glands that produce seratonin, you would never feel happy again. There is no thought or feeling that does not require the flow of biochemicals and electricity sparking in the neurons.
Imagine a bicycle. You push the pedals and the wheels go round. This is your brain on normal life. Perception leads to Emotion.
Now imagine there’s a motor on that bicycle while you’re riding it. The motor pushes the pedals round. But your feet are on the pedals, so they still go round. This is your brain on depression. Emotion leads to Perception.
So no, it’s not “all in your mind” (or rather, it literally is, but people who say that have forgotten what the mind actually is). You can’t “just willpower through it”. Over time, you can have enough net positive events – hopefully – to retrain your brain, reconnect those withered happy neurons and let the miserable ones shrivel away a little until you have some sort of balance. Or you can use drugs to force your brain to be happy and relearn that way. Or use therapy and management techniques to accomplish that retraining, because we can’t really count on life to throw us a bone.
But you’re not weak. You’re not over-dramatising. You can’t just “sort your life out”. So when the next person tells you any of that crap, remember: you are mentally ill. If you punch them, you already have an insanity defence.
Oh, if anyone wants to know more about the “brain training” theory I talk about above, look up Hebbian Learning. There should be some interactive simulations out there so you can see how it works on a small scale, which makes it easier to picture what’s going on in your delicious pink brain.
http://ifunny.mobi/i/HyRp2eB656
http://ifunny.mobi/i/HmoXQ9B556
To cheer you up–love the pugs:)
Also, to Anonymous at post #450, I’ve been where you are. I don’t know your specific circumstances, but I know what it’s like to feel that unbearable pain ripping you apart from the inside and want more than anything for it to be over. But it does get better, I promise you, it really does.
The thing is, suicide is really, really hard. Your survival instinct fights you every step of the way. And even if you can pull off the act, it’s not certain that you’ll die. I’ve tried to kill myself twice in my life. I’ve tried very, very hard – been very, very thorough.
And I cocked it up.
If you don’t die, then everything gets worse. You have to face your friends and family, all of whom feel personally hurt. You will have to deal with Suicide Watch or your national equivalent, which is painful, traumatic, unbelievably humiliating. And you will have to go on living with the side-effects of whatever means of suicide you tried, which in some cases might just turn round and kill you later, just when things are getting good.
As a very, very worst case scenario, you can go to the doctor instead. Get them to load you up with pills: anti-depressants, tranquillizers. Get them to give you the works. If you’re already on pills, get them to up the dosage or change your meds.
As things stand, you are looking at being dead from Tuesday onwards. You will be having no part in life. So compared to that, you could do the whole “Prozac Zombie” over-medicated thing, the pain will stop, life will be a happy yellowish trance and you won’t run the risk of screwing up your death and having to go through all the consequences of that. If there are consequences to going on heavy meds… you won’t care, because you’ll be too busy staring at how amazing your fingers are and watching hallucinatory butterflies flap lazily across your ceiling.
It’s not an ideal state to live your life in, but neither is being dead. It’s a worst-case scenario. And even that leaves you alive for things to get better. More likely, they’ll dope you up at first to buy some time and keep you safe, then gradually find you the right medication / help / life plan / circumstances to start sorting you out. And things will get better. Seriously, they will.
It’s OK that you can’t fix things by yourself. You’re hurt and sick, so let the doctors take care of you now. All you have to do is follow their instructions and tell them how you feel all the time – no-one can judge you for it, and you can put all the responsibility in their hands until you’re ready to take some of it back.
Jenny said:
<< I take B12 twice a day and have to get shots every week because mine is severely low. I feel like it’s helped my fatigue a bit and my depression a bit too. Not a ton, but enough to keep doing it. I go back for more bloodwork soon to see if it’s working.>>
You probably already know this, but I wanted to make sure you’re letting your B12 tablets melt under your tongue where they will have a chance to be absorbed by your trigeminal nerve. Very little is absorbed through the stomach. Also, some forms of B12 may work better for you than others. My daughter (10 years as a pharmacy tech, now in her third year of pharmacy school) has good things to say about these B12 lollipops: http://revitapop.com/about.php. While self-serving, there’s some good info on their site about the pros and cons of certain B12 blood tests. Good stuff to know.
This is what I think: Almost no-one has good levels of D3 and B12. We’re learning that much, if not most, illness is caused by systemic inflammation, which can be alleviated by proper D3 and B12 levels.
Sending hugs.
I didn’t make it through all the comments, because they are at 483 and counting at the moment, but I recommend “The Big Bang Theory” for laughter. My teenage kid introduced me to it, and it’s very off the wall, and totally hilarious.
Vitamin D seems to matter, it helps with the uptake of the other chemicals. If you are taking it in pill form you have to take a larger dose because your body only absorbs a small part of it, compared to what it gets from food or sunlight. I can’t explain this right, but my shrink explained it all to me a couple of years ago, and my regular doc just confirmed it. Get your Vit. D levels checked and your thyroid levels. They seem to impact your biochemistry which is in turn connected to your depression.
sigh The legs bone’s connected to the head bone…….
Dear Jenny, I wish I had the words to tell u how much your words/blog saves me, this past week alone when I feeling just lost and angry. I check in with your blog and I was rewarded by laughing out loud & genially smile. Thank You. I hope your out of hole soon. I wish peace & love 🙂
If anyone’s looking for a good TV show to watch that’s super interesting, doesn’t require you to keep up with it in any way, and is just all-around fun to watch, try Oddities! It’s on Netflix, definitely recommend for anyone who likes to look at weird stuff! It’s about this antique shop that buys and sells unusual and rare items.
I think you should get a taxidermied unipine. Don’t even try pretending you don’t know what one is: You already ratted yourself off as a Rilo Kiley fan, and it’s the critter from the “It’s a Hit” video. If you can have big ambitions about putting horns on pegasuses, you could put a tiny one on a possum and voila! I spent some time last night thinking “What might make the Bloggess happy?” and that’s all I could come up with.
Thank you. A close friend commit suicide last night, and I am having a hard time coping. This was good to read.
@Niki (#488)—I’m so sorry about your friend, Be sure to be good to yourself, okay?
I want to comment back to each and every one of you people. What a fine Tribe of Commenters that Jenny has assembled. I am sending all of you {{{HUGS}}} through the internet waves. Truly you all have helped me.
Thi s is a wonderful post – thank you so much for writing it, and your honesty. You are just so right about all of it as I know from my own battles with depression.
Watch cartoons. that will remind you of your childhood-the good part in most people’s life.
Thank you Jenny.
Sometimes music saves me, sometimes literature, and oftentimes it’s you. You save me from myself, and I just wanted to say THANK YOU! <3
(you also helped me to embrace the weird…life is more fun this way)
THIS post is so very important and so very needed.
This comment made me say, “yes” out loud:
Susan Carraretto | January 18, 2014 at 1:22 am
It’s amazing how powerful a walk is to improve my mood. The tough part is getting out the door… the more depressed I am, the harder it is to get out the door for that much needed walk.
I stopped walking about a year ago.
I think it’s time to get my sneakers on,
Thanks Jenny. Thanks Susan.
xo
Hey Bloggess, it’s not JUST in your head; it’s in your HEAD.
I hope you get this and it makes sense. : )
Ms Bloggess, I just wanted to chuck in my 2 cents, which is that you have, through your writing and general awesomeness, helped me feel like crazy aint such a bad thing to be, as I get to be part of your tribe. So thank you, for giving me somewhere to go and look at taxidermy and laugh at your stories and feel less weird, when things are super shitty. And also for giving me the best possible friendship test ( I give them your book, or point your blog at them, and if they don’t laugh- no friendsies.)
X
WHY, you ask, are people googling “How many people will go to heaven?” In certain religions, it is accepted that only the 144,000 witnesses spoken of in Revelation will actually go to heaven. As the population grows exponentially larger, this is of course, cause for alarm to adherents. I think that’s why that came up on your google search.
p.s. I thought they were turkey butlers, too. I thought, “Why would turkeys go to the trouble of feeding ANYBODY?”
“which means that my mind is awake while my body is paralyzed and asleep, and that I get almost no delta sleep. ”
Thank you. Just… Thank you. I started crying reading this blog post (Awkward since I was at lunch break at work). I have silently suffered from a variety of anxiety/depression disorders my entire life, mostly disguised until I was older under the guises of “perfectionist” and “theatre lover.” But this alpha intrusion thing- I’ve had it my ENTIRE LIFE, and never been able to explain it to people before. I’ve always described it as getting stuck in that level of sleep right between consciousness and deep sleep. Where I am consciously aware that I am not sleeping, even though I am in fact dreaming/sleeping. It is absolute hell, and I have never found someone who could understand it, let alone had experienced it. (The first doctor I ever tried to tell about it just told me to take a benadryll before bed to sleep. yeah. Whole lot of good that did).
Thank you. For helping me realize I’m not irrevocably broken. Thank you.
Had no idea about the delta sleep. That explains a lot.
http://ottpop.tumblr.com/post/73014281932/having-depression-is-like-being-out-at-sea-thing#notes
Thank you for this. I’m month 4 of my depressive downward spiral. I have to go to work it takes every ounce of my being to go. it It sucks everything out of me that I don’t have the energy to try to deal with anything else. And it’s extra exhausting when people keep trying to tell me that Oh, I’ve been sad, too. I’m not sad… I feel empty inside and the pain is unbearable. I feel so hopeless right now. reading your blog helps me know I’m not alone and helps me from completely losing my mind over the next person will tell me oh why don’t you try thinking positive (or insert some other random stupid thing) and then you’ll feel better.
Usually, I just lurk, but I wanted to thank you, Bloggess, for being brave enough to share yourself and your struggles with others. Knowing that others feel this way makes me feel not so lonely. My heart hurts for everyone here who is so sad and hopeless.
I second you on the laughing. My healing comes through going out with a few girlfriends who make me laugh until I wheeze. They got me through my fiancee’s death a year and a half ago, the funeral, the (very dysfunctional and complicated) fallout, two recent surgeries, cancer treatments, and everything else that tried to get me down. The endorphins that come from laughing with them make me feel good for weeks! Also, snuggling with either my great nephews and niece, or my pets and having them love me is another. Surround yourself with people (and animals) who give you unconditional love and love them back. There’s no better treatment.
I am sending healing thoughts to each and every one of you. I’m know that you are all amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, interesting people, and having been there, I hurt that you also struggle with this. I wish you all success with your treatment and that the hurt and loneliness and hopelessness lifts for you.
Thank you! I definitely have more “gray days” in winter. Right now it’s in the 70s in Ca, so I can’t blame the weather 🙁 You are a great example of transparency…the more we share the day to day realities of living w/ depression & anxiety, the more we can help one another. Again, thank you!
My friend has a son with severe ups and downs and the meds don’t seem to touch it. She’s just had to move him out of the family home (again) to a more secure and safe space for him. I pointed her to this post and she said “Tears pour like raindrops from my pretend smiling eyes …oh I must print this I must , my breathing has changed …..very powerful” So thank you for giving me a way to help her. I only have so many words I can share.
This post came at exactly the right time for me. My 14 year old daughter is struggling with a bout of depression that has landed her in the youth psych unit. While I have struggled with depression in the past and currently suffer from anxiety I am at a loss for a way to help her without falling into the pit myself. I don’t know if it’s the “polar vortex” teenage hormones, being extraordinarily smart, or just the chemicals in her body, lack of vitamin D I’m searching for a way to help her. I am going to print this and bring it to her when I visit her today. Everyday I search for something that will help her to dig out of the black vortex. Swedish fish, an uplifting book, a soft fuzzy blanket, and just being there. As a parent this is the most difficult struggle. Of course, as a parent I would do anything in the world to see that light in her eye and hear that giggle. To watch her succeed. I am working on mindfulness myself and I plan on teaching her some skills. Mostly, I want her to know that she is not alone. That this will pass and that the world will definitely be worse off without her. Here is something that bothers me though. (I apologize for this lengthy comment.) I hate how no one talks about mental illness. If my baby had cancer it would be all over facebook and everyone would be rooting for us and pitching in to help. I don’t need facebook to validate my struggle or to make me feel better. It just makes me sad that I don’t want to tell anyone why I’m not at work as much lately. Why my daughter is really in the hospital because I don’t want to hang a stigma of mental illness on her.
(I’m so sorry. Dealing with this crap is hard enough but watching someone you love deal with it is harder. And you’re so right about the lack of understanding of mental illness. It’s painful and sometimes fatal, but not everyone understands that it strikes with the randomness of cancer or any other dangerous and terrible disease. I think things are changing…slowly. Hopefully by the time your daughter is an adult people will understand mental illness more and the stigma will be gone. I totally understand wanting to protect her now though. You’re a good mother. She’s lucky to have you. ~ Jenny)
Maybe it is the moon. Maybe it is just my mind rebelling against itself as it so often does, either way, I’m near the bottom and getting to work today was one of teh hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I had a terribel fit of panic on friday night from which I still have not recovered. Reading this helped, as it always does, because while I have a great support system to help me in bad times, there’s never really anyone who truly understands how real it can be.
Thank you as always, and I’m here for anyone else who doesn’t want to suffer alone.
Twitter: @laurenbethany83
I so appreciate that you wrote this. Sometimes we all need a reminder that mental illness doesn’t make us less of a person or less valuable.
Also, I totally believe that the moon screws things up. There are far more people in jail near the full moon for doing “crazy” things.
As someone who works with children with emotional/behavioral disorders, I will testify to the full moon. I literally check the lunar calendar before planning field trips and major events. First, because I don’t want the extra challenge of its effects on the kids, and secondly, because I know that I’m going to lose at least two hours of sleep because of it.
I’m also ready to give up. Severe depression, anxiety disorder, PTSD-I feel like I just cant take another day of it. I’m tired of fighting with meds, I’m tired of my well being always being on everyone’s mind, I’m tired of requiring a babysitter. The only thing that keeps me going is something I read-Suicide doesn’t take away the pain, it just gives it to someone else. Thank you for sharing your struggles. It does help to know we are not alone.
(I’m sending you such love. I had PTSD for years before it finally started to fade and it was like living with a monster. The fact that you’re surviving means you’re incredibly strong and I’m so glad you’re still here. I’m sorry that it’s so hard though. It shouldn’t be. And it does get better when you find the perfect mix of everything, but it’s not easy and I’m sorry you have to go through it. You’re right about suicide giving the pain to someone else. It’s so damn contagious as well. Just know that you’re not alone. We’re here. We’re listening. ~ Jenny)
Have you heard of neurofeedback? I had a sleep disorder that sounds very similar to yours – I’d sleep, but not really. If someone whispered my name or a question I’d respond instantly because my brain was never really asleep.
Neurofeedback was weird but since I was suffering from anxiety and depression I was willing to try even very crazy-sounding things. This involved sitting in front of a screen with sensors on my head and the animations on the screen would change based on how my brain waves were working – I didn’t consciously try to do anything but somehow my brain would use the feedback.
Since conditions like these have their own ups and downs, it was difficult to tell whether it was working, although I always felt calmer after a treatment, until one time she tried an alternate placement and I had a lot of anger and impatience instantly. It was surreal.
If you read comments down this low, please see if there is a practitioner near you.
I went in for anxiety and depression, which it really helped, but never knew what deep sleep felt like. I’d do it again for the sleep improvement in a heartbeat.
Jenny, you inspire me. When I go deep into the hole (I’ve never managed to get out completely), I look to your book and your blog — they always make me smile — or laugh — and feel better. Your words have been such a positive force in my life — I can’t thank you enough. I.hope the support of all your friends — and the waning moon — helps you, too.
I really needed this. I’ve been stuck in a hold for a few weeks now and this really, really helped.
Alpha-Intrusion- OMG It has a name outside of scaring-the-shit-out-of-me during a nap. It happens when I have a REALLY solid nap. People think I am nuts… It is a thing.. good.
Thank you so much for this post. You’ve given me some great sounding tools.
Hugs from a balmy Michigan (wind chill of 0 degrees).
“You can be mentally ill and still be a good person.” – Thanks for saying that . . .
Thank you for your posts and your writing. I have been suffering in silence not knowing what is wrong with me. But having read your book I realized I was not the only one. I even read excerpts to my husband so he understands how I feel. I could never verbalize it the way you have. Now I have reached out to my doctor and look forward to your posts to help me. Thank you.
This post is like the virtual equivalent of me sitting at the foot of your chair while you stroke my hair and whisper ‘hush.’ My hole is so deep right now I can’t see the spot where I fell into it and it felt so fucking lonely down here, until I read this and realized there are people who totally get it. My husband made me a doctor’s appointment today because I’ve been too apathetic to make one myself and I’m actually going to go to it. I do believe you when you say that I’m going to be able to dig myself out again. Thank you <3
Thank you so much for your raw, honest and beautiful illustration of being real! I suffer from depression and anxiety so I can relate so well to your post. My friend passed your blog post onto me today b/c I’m in a bit of a rut. You give me hope when hope seems hard to find. I’m not sure if you saw the movie “Her” but if not, it will help you remember the incredible moments of life we are so blessed to experience. Thank you!
I’ve been dealing with anxiety/depressing/seasonal affective for SO long and have definitely learned a trick or two. I hope that they will help someone the way they helped me. Some were tips from my therapist(s), others came from self-help books, some were just a matter of trial and error. Similar to the shrink thing: not all meds will work for you. Don’t give up on those either. If you are feeling so terrible that you can’t find another way out, they can help you. Don’t give up on them because you didn’t like the first one you got. I personally recommend Wellbutrin. It’s one of the few anti-depressants that don’t make you gain weight. Since my self esteem impacts my depression a lot, it was just not a good idea for me to take one that made me gain weight because while my brain was feeling a little better, I still hated myself. For the ladies- go on/check your birth control. I have pretty severe PMDD in addition to all my other fun obstacles and getting an rx for Yaz from my gyno helped immensely.
Other little things that help me:
-Clean the shit out of something. My therapist told me that I have anxiety induced OCD “tendencies”. Essentially, I do OC type stuff when I’m emotionally elevated. I count steps, just plain count in my head up to ridiculous numbers, play that “if “X” happens then I will be ok” game, furiously clean, etc. I’ve learned to embrace this instead of being ashamed. Obviously, OCD is a serious illness that many people can’t just “embrace” but my OC stuff is a way to help me cope. Don’t be ashamed of any of your coping mechanisms. Play the game, but turn it in your favor.
-Listen to oldies. The sock hoppy kind. I dare you not to bop your head around.
-Listen to REALLY SAD music. Seriously. As much as it sucks, sometimes you just need a good cry. The curled-up-in-a-ball, trembling, red-faced and snotty kind of cry. The bed is a good place for this. As is the bathroom.
-Throw yourself into something. A project, a complicated meal made from scratch, a tv marathon.
-Read
-Self soothe- engage your senses. Wash your face with an exfoliating cleanser, eat something new or different or even simple and comfortable. Focus on how chewing feels, how the flavors taste in your mouth. Light a scented candle. Look at something beautiful. Or cute and fuzzy baby animals. Listen to your favorite song. I think those are all the senses, right?
-Whatever you decide to do, know that you have chosen the “right” thing. Acknowledge that what you are doing is perfectly acceptable if it helps you- and even if it doesn’t! You need to make the journey through those obstacles to find the coping mechanism that works for you. Sometimes even the best one will not work on really bad days. That is ok too. There is nothing wrong with that, it just IS.
-Look into DBT: Dialectical Behavior Therapy. That, combined with analytical approach as to WHY I was feeling the way I was really helped me. You cannot change the past and you cannot change your brain chemistry. However, you CAN change the way you react to negative stimuli in a way that lessens the destruction.
-Know that you can and will get through it. Tell yourself this, as much as you need.
jenny: i just want you to know that finding out that “depression lies” was one of the most profound revelations I have ever had and saved me more than once.
On bad days, I repeat “depression lies” (which I got from you) over and over to myself. Also, when I am at my healthiest, I teach my husband what “pep talks” help me during depression (like saying “you’ve come through the other side of this before, and you will again” or giving me a manageable to-do list and praising me like I’ve accomplished something major when I do each item on the list even though they are little things like taking a shower, walking around the block, or petting the dogs for a few minutes). I also teach him what not to say during my depression (like, why are you sad? and cheer up!). By telling him what to do when I am feeling healthy, he knows what to do when I am lost in the depression and can’t find my own way out. I think of it like a trail of bread crumbs that I left myself when I was feeling better. And, just so I don’t wear my husband out, two of my closest friends, my sister, and my mom know what to say to me too.
Thank you for this
I don’t know why I’m writing this frankly. I don’t expect a reply. I think it’s the weather and all the stress I have right now. But I guess I just needed to talk to people who know whats its like to have an emotional breakdown despite your meds working. People who understand what its like to go explore a new store in the mall and suddenly think “I NEED to curl up in the corner and stay there away from the other people in the mall because i cant be near anyone right now.” I guess i needed to share my poem for a number of reasons. Because I feel like someone needs to know, because Jenny Lawson taught me that I should never listen to depression, and because I’m sure someone somewhere down the line will understand that others have been in the same place. And because sometime, despite how beautiful despair can be conducting an addicting tune with your own heart strings, and how much easier it would be to give into it and cry all day long, alone in your apartment hating yourself; being strong is not only the BEST choice you have, its the ONLY choice you accept. Even when it means being strong is a million times harder than anyone around you could ever dream of understanding. This poem is for all the strong ones out there, and for me.
Maestro Despair
By Jennifer Allen
Because when they sweep my shattered heart from off that filthy floor
I know it’s gotten so much worse than it ever has before
My heart, my mind, my soul do swoon
And meekly dance to that discordant tune
Of the broken souls that came before and cried their broken tears
And the memories of my weakness flow from all of my past years
My regrets and my mistakes play like a film before my eyes
And it does nothing to drown out my fears or deafen my anguished cries
The Maestro plays upon his harp as he glides past the door
He simply measures up the despair, for he already knows the score
He plucks the string upon his black harp
Like life does pain upon ones heart
He revels in the misery, the cries of soul’s despair
As his fingers move upon the harp and sorrow fills the air
I hear the pain is calling me, so sweetly and so clear
The pain in my heart lessens some, it soothes my ragged fear
I missed that Maestro’s tune, his voice, that soothing balm
That covers my bleeding spirit and envelopes it in reticent calm
His voice so sweet upon my ear, like a lover’s whisper breathes
And when his lips cover mine, my torment all but leaves
It is then when I realize what a fool I’ve been
All these years that I’ve denied him, and allowed him to win
To best him at his own song, without a melody
I must come to understand, he’s IS my enemy
He’s a piece of me, the darkness in my heart
Sometime silent, sometimes a tune, but he will always be a part
And once I realize that, the chain unclasp and I can fly
Because I have finally realize that depression lies
This is exactly what I needed to read right now. Thank you for all the tips and for sharing this part of yourself to a public audience. 🙂 Bright Blessings to you.
~ Siofra
Loving your blog. FYI, the quote is from Neitzsche (which I never spell correctly), “And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” Neitzsche is one of those dead writers you speak of who most famously said, “That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”
Thank you. Just … thank you.
You and your words are such a gift, Jenny. Thank you.
Gorgeous woman. x
I love you, Jenny Lawson–for what you say, and what you share…and who you are.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing. I hope you know how much comfort and strength you give to others by sharing your struggles and the knowledge that we are not alone. You are beautiful in every sense of the word, and I love you to tiny pieces.
Thank you for the tips. I’ve been fundamentally depressed for years, and now my 14 year old son is wanting to die. I’m not in a strong position to give him effective support. We’ve finally gotten a prescription to see a psychopharmacologist. Poor kid.
I started reading this with a very empty feeling, at one point I tried to stop reading because – well because the voice that sometimes just wants to be MAD AT THE WORLD CAUSE IT SUCKS recognized itself and knew your words were it’s Kryptonite. Thank you – I don’t know who you are but I am so grateful you are here to share your words, because I finished reading this post filled with hope and a desire to smile. Never thought how much I might be missed if I wasn’t in someone’s life.
Thanks so much for sharing. It’s incredibly hard to keep moving with the burden of depression on your shoulders, and the natural isolation that results from your confused and distressed state certainly doesn’t help. But it’s wonderful and heartening to know that others experience the same things, and THANK YOU (and everyone in the comments) SO MUCH for the reminder we can still take care of ourselves, in small ways that actually do make things better.
Thanks for writing this Jenny. I think I hit my limit a while ago and I’m not sure where to turn anymore. I have been too proud to admit it even to myself but I’m so scared that the depression will suck me so far under this time that I won’t come out. I’m scared for my life. All I need is someone to talk to. I’m not sure why it has taken me this long to admit it. I’m fairly certain no one will read this but I might put it out there anyway. I’m feeing more than frightened that this is all there will ever be for me. What if it doesn’t get better? ssbaker144@gmail.com
(I’m listening. It will get better. Call the suicide hotline. It’s super helpful and getting you to the next step and getting you help. You can do it anonymously. You’re worth it. ~ Jenny)
Shass, two and a half years ago, I ended up calling an emergency line: i felt like the biggest failure dialing and could barely get the words out to the person on the line: “I’m afraid of myself. I need help.” And then there was the precious relief of someone on the other end, offering me help, understanding, finding a doctor to get me to ASAP. i spent the next couple of hours at work holding on desperately until the appointment time, staring at a picture of Jenny’s damned chicken Beyonce that I’d captionsed (from one of her posts) “Giving up might be easier, but it wouldn’t be better.” YOu can make it. Make the call, get the help. You can do it, and it WILL get better.
Do judgements bother you regarding depression? I mean if someone called you “bi-polar” would that offend you? I’m using this as an example. I am not saying that you are. But the thing that bothers me with my struggle is the judgement. And that concern of what “they” think is another issue of my being a recovering co-dependent perfectionist people pleaser. I am trying not to take myself so serious but when they say “She’s bi-polar” I get offended. I’m not bipolar btw. Atleast, I don’t think so. I guess it’s the way its used as a put down. She’s bi-polar, hence you can’t take her serious. Does that make sense? But yes, I have struggled with depression and low-self esteem all my life.
(It doesn’t bother me because when they say it they don’t really mean it. They mean “insane” or “unstable” or “nuts”. And I’m not those things. Usually. Or at least not in the way that they mean. You have to separate yourself from those words. You’re more than a label. ~ Jenny)
Just wanted to say thanks for this, Jenny. I’m late to this post, but thanks. I needed to read this today.
I’m late to this post, too. Or maybe I’m getting to it at just the right time (for me). Thank you, Jenny. With tears in my eyes–thank you. And thank you to the rest of the people brave enough to comment on this post and share your stories and suggestions. I feel like you were talking to me. There is so much to read; I know I will be coming back to this post many times. This whole discussion is heartbreaking, but also validating. Do you know what I mean?
With a sheet tied around my neck, droopy drawers, and a mischievous smile, I defy gravity (and 537 people before me) by saying that “there is so such thing as mental illness”- just varying degrees of functionability.
-B. Lindsey <<<< (That’s me.)
“Labeled people” unite!
You’re only as sick as you think you are.
Thank your for posting this, I can’t tell you how much it helps. Also, the quote about dancing? It’s by Friedrich Nietzsche.
Nice post, thanks for baring/bearing.
I think, you think, we all think. But we are not our minds, that is the deceptive deceit.
Don’t fall victim to your mind. As Byron Katie says, our thoughts are like leaves in the wind.
Don’t invest in leaves, just watch them as they blow by. Eventually they move on and the wind brings in fresh, clean air.
Listen to your body. There may be times when the mind does not want to go on, but that is NEVER the case for the body. Biologically, the body will always choose life. And that’s a fact. Just ask your genes.
I didn’t know I was depressed until I was prescribed an antidepressant for fibromyalgia. I may or may not have had fibro, but I do have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (a genetic condition in which my connective tissue (collagen) is defective). It causes chronic pain. Anyway, I had the most odd sensation and feeling and I had never felt that way before and I was kinda worried about it, but I couldn’t worry because I was so serene. I finally figured out that it had lifted the depression. I did a lot of rounds with a lot of different meds, a metric ton of therapy, and twelve step. I had PTSD from childhood trauma. I did every alternative therapy or class or retreat or method that presented itself (and I live in California, so that was a lot).
And I’m better. I still break, and often, but it’s actually easier now, because I’ve dealt with all the crap surrounding the broken-ness. I no longer hold shame about being broken, I just tell people ‘I’m broken, I have to do X now to take care of it.’
I particularly like hypnosis (Wendi Friesen is amazing-you can buy her hypnosis CDs on the internet). I have a CD player by my bed and I load up and pass out – and wake up feeling better. If you’re freaked out about what might be said, you can have someone listen with you and not go under, just so you know she’s not saying anything weird. I know it’s not a solution for lots of folks.
I had the belief that other people knew something I didn’t, and if I could just figure it out, I’d get better. And I did. Even though I’m still broken in body, and occasionally broken in mind. I try to share with people, especially people who are hurting. Unfortunately, many look at me, and don’t believe I was ever as broken as I say. 😛
I’m grateful you have such a large audience and can help so many by sharing your journey.
I have a friend who idolizes you. And today he told me the negativity on the chat we are in was annoying to him. It hurt because I thought since he’s totally a fan of yours he might have some understanding…and instead I withdrew and am crying over it. Yay bipolar-depression, PTSD, ADD and the rest. I feel like all my trust has been trashed and it hurts. I know..not really anything anyone can say but I needed to say this to someone who would understand and not just tell me i’m negative. thanks for being here.
One of the hardest things to do is admit that you need help. Before, during, and after that time there are always friends and loved ones around who want to help so desperately but don’t know how. And then there are the strangers who have been there, or the been through it with one or many of their own loved one(s) who are here to listen, to send silly cat pictures and videos, and just be present in the struggle. We are everywhere, always, waiting to be called upon when we are needed.
I joined Twitter today, just in case… @lenalaire
Just wondering, y’all — I don’t have a Twitter handle, but I would really love to connect with someone else who follows this thread and knows what going through this shit is like, and would be willing to let me lean on them a little when things get dark. I ask because I have to shake the crazy-monkey off my back about once a month, and frankly, I worry about leaning on the people I love too much. I don’t want to burn them out…Any ideas? Thanks. Hugs.
I love all of the suggestions for people going through this horrible disease. Are there any suggestions for loved ones trying to help family who suffer through it?
(Don’t give up. Know that you are so much more important than you imagine. Remember that you’re human and need help as well. And THANK YOU. So many of us would be dead without people like you. ~ Jenny)
I’m broken right now that’s all I can say thank you Jenny xoxo
I couldnt pin point why the last few weeks have been extra exhausting and my marriage was blah and my hair looks like shit (though my nails look good). So i upped my gym time because thats what helped me even out in the first place. Im still sluggish but i havent been sleeping because iwas trying to learn to sleep without sleep aids. I feel this way because im not sleeping well. Thank you for pointing that out because taking sleep for granted is not cool. I havent read your blog in a bit but i came across this today – like i was meant to read it. Im holding out that tomorrow will be better than today – thanks for making me smile.
I’ve been a stalker on this site for months and months and love you all. My 16 old daughter struggles with depression and has gone through some really horrible shit in the past year that we’ve been trying to deal with (molestation by a family member and recently a school shooting). She’s on meds now and goes in and out with the depression and ability to cope day to day. I think that this will always be the case. As a mom, I worry all of the time for her and sometimes it makes me sink into the dregs too. I just want to thank you all for all of the words of wisdom. It helps to know that each of you are out there.
Thank you. Oh god, thank you.
I’m sorry that you have to struggle with these issues, but I hope you take some comfort in knowing these posts really help others!!! Really. I know they’ve helped me on several occasions.
And the sunlight/vitamin D thing I totally agree with. I used to think that was b.s. Long story, but after some doctor visits and tests recently I started taking vitamin D, and I feel a LOT better.
Thank you for writing this. My depression is the worst this winter that it’s been in years, mostly due to a back injury that’s been ruling out most of my usual coping mechanisms. I’ve kept this post on a tab on my browser literally all the time to remind me that I’m not alone, and to help me remember to look for the little things that save me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so open about your mental health struggles.
Thanks for writing this. I have Bipolar Disorder, so I’ve deal with mood issues for two decades. I have two posts that I thought might be helpful. I hope something I’ve written can help a fellow struggler.
Ways to Prevent Depressive Episodes http://fiveinsix.com/2013/04/ways-to-lessen-or-even-prevent-bouts-of-depression.html
Coping Once Depression Has Hit http://www.fiveinsix.com/2013/05/coping-with-depression-once-it-has-hit.html
Ah…yes, I needed this and have forgotten all of this crap since my last round in the Black Hole (which, sadly, was just a year ago). I think it gets harder every time; the energy required to fight it all and the knowledge that it’s probably going to come back again is daunting. I don’t WANT to do this anymore, ya know? But I can hit a tanning booth. I can read something that makes me giggle (which is why I’m here, actually). And hopefully, maybe, that will be enough to start pulling me out.
I have suffered form depression. I have currently have a bad case of low self esteem. Anyone who knows me cant see it, but it is there.
I have a few tricks I have picked up over the years.
#1 Get as much sunlight and vitamin D as possible. (the winter really sucks for this)
#2 When I get up in the morning, I stretch. It sounds weird, but it works. Get as big as possible and if you can pop you back or any other part that feels stiff, do it. (I also do it when im feeling down through out the day)
#3 put on clothes that fit the way you want to feel that day and still look good on you(yes it is 100% OK to be picky. I have spent 30 min picking an outfit because i dint like any of them for that day.)
#4 Exercise. Even if it is just running to get to work class or other on time do it. It helps when I’m at work and I want to feel better and I’m busy or need something(or someone else does) I’ll go run and get it. Yes, I mean run(it is more of a light sprint but still).
#5 Eat. Healthy is best. Now now. Healthy does not, I repeat Does NOT mean disgusting and bland. It Does mean real non to lightly processed food. Like a car, I run best on good fuel. (Small secret when I feel like crap, I mean really crappy I’ll grab some chocolate. The good dark stuff. Plenty of anti-depressants in that… and tasty.)
That is my little try-this list. If you don’t like one or it doesn’t work for you, OK find yours. Most of these I have come across, not been told. Funnily later I get told there is scientific evidence that these help for different reasons.
I live in Chicago and this fucking winter has made me numb (I think the clinical term is SAD -seasonal affective disorder). I get it every winter. I use most of the tips and tricks you’ve listed above – lately to know avail. Just when I felt I’d sunk the deepest, I read your post about the “communalcorn.” I read it out loud to my husband and laughed so hard tears rolled down my face…then I peed in my pants a little. I kept reading until I could not get the words out because the laughing choked me up, the tears made everything blurry, the snorts would wake the kids and I was afraid any more pee would ruin the couch. This laugh was the best I’ve felt all winter and it cracked through the numb. Just thought you’d want to know your blog has the power to overcome the polar vortex! Thank you for what you do.
I’ve been writing this post to you for a long time now. It just hasn’t made its way to you yet. The writing is the most important thing, and the “you” is of secondary importance (I’m sorry for how that sounds, but I assure you it’s with greatest respect that I say it).
I’ve followed your struggles and I’ve embraced your advice to others who have suffered as we have. I’d like to share my experience not as a fellow, but as a warning message. I went a different direction, and I would like to direct others away from my path.
Depression first overtook me in middle school. Adolescent depression didn’t exist at the time (which is to say, it wasn’t an option for those of use who suffered it). Since it wasn’t an option, I had to suffer with being “moody”.
“Moody” involved blood and pain that I kept well hidden from anyone who could possibly help me. Because as we know, Depression drives us into silence. I spent a lot of time rubbing elbows with D and he pushed me a long way down. Down to where he started to make a lot of sense. Nobody loves me, all my friends are gone, my family thinks I’m a freak…what’s the point of staying around? Never-mind the fact that D is the one who put me here. He drove my friends away, turned my family against me. Turned me against myself.
That’s when I took a turn that saved my life, but turned me outside of humanity.
I decided that the pain wasn’t worth the effort, so I buried it. But I couldn’t just bury the pain, I had to go all the way. The darkness, the pain, the very effort of dealing with it. I buried it all, deep, deep inside. I couldn’t just bury the bad, I had to bury all of it — the good, the bad, everything. So I did. All of my feelings went down in the hole. I was left blessedly empty. It kept me alive, but it also left me without feelings.
I beat the D by becoming something worse. I became empty. I became the E. I didn’t take any drugs, I didn’t do any therapy, I just shoved it all down and stomped on it until it couldn’t push back any more (like the Daffy Duck cartoon where he shoves the genie into the lamp by stomping on it).
Now I’m a productive member of society. I have a wife and a job and a mortgage. I beat the D, but I became the E. Most days I’d rather the D had killed me. But I also know that I beat the D and that gives me a little bit of satisfaction. Even if it turned me into something worse.
I can’t cry anymore. I can’t feel much of anything for my fellow man. I think I’m a sociopath, but I’m not sure because I don’t care enough to find out. Am I better off? I’m still alive. That’s all I can say. Sometimes you beat the D and you still lose the fight.
Thank you for this wonderful post. Winter is worst for me since seasonal depression bites and the snow is not helping. This blog is a much needed ray of sunshine. I also have an autoimmune thing. I swear there is a connection between autoimmune problems and depression/anxiety. Your suggestions are helpful. I exercise everyday because it helps. Anyway, thanks for infusing a much needed dose of humor into this subject.
Until I read this post I thought I was the only person who had alpha intrusion. For years I told my doctors “I have access to my dreams that other people don’t have.” And of course, since you are not supposed to be fully aware of the weird-ass dreams that help you process your day, they made me feel like I was going crazy and I woke up feeling like I had gotten zero rest. Thank you for sharing. I feel less alone.
Thank you! You make me laugh. You make me cry. You make me feel less alone. I remind myself frequently…depression lies. Thank you.
Thanks for posts like this and for being so active in making people aware of this. I suffer mildly (which is to say it isn’t an everyday occurrence and I can pretty much deal without the meds) but when those days come they can be pretty hard. This past Saturday it snuck up on me. I was busy, and stressed and didn’t heed the warnings and by that night I was in tears and had convinced myself that my husband hated me because he had forgotten to turn his phone off silent. Even the next day, after I knew that things were not what they seemed, I would catch myself tearing up for no reason. When I feel that way, I will come here and read your posts and the comments and remember “Depression lies.” Thank you
Thank you for “Depression Lies”. It came in to my head last night and helped when I needed it.
Depression does not lie. People who think they have depression but can write blog. Lie. They don;t have depression. Not in any significant way. I have tried all the drugs and ETC but still can’t make a sandwich. Or do anything that people do to advance themselves in life.
God lovesme. My Father loves me. I my psychiatrist likes me. And I have seen many of them I have no one else nor the ability to get them. I get fired up when I read crop like trhis. Some people have had a tough couple of weeks. Try a horrendous couple of decades.
(Depression does lie and I’m sending you love even if you think you don’t need it. My depression is intermittent and moderate, but I have severe anxiety, impulse control disorder, avoidant personality disorder, and more. I’ve been on different meds and anti-psychotics and I’ve seen shrinks for almost 20 years. I sometimes can’t function either, and that’s okay. My shrink recommended ETC as well but I haven’t done it because I’m afraid of the long-term ramifications. Your mental illness is not mine and perhaps your depression doesn’t lie to you. Mine lies to me. It tells me that things will never get better, but they do. Then sometimes they get worse. But then they get better again. It’s a constant struggle and one I’ll live with for the rest of my life. I try to find things that work for me and I hope you can find things that work for you. They may not be the same things, and that’s okay. Regardless, I wish you well. Depression is a terrible asshole and I’m sorry you have to deal with it. ~ Jenny)
It is because of blogs like yours and Rosalind Robertson’s and even a blog I read about Buffy the Vampire Slayer that have taught me so much about depression and mental illness in general. I’ve been sick for along time, and just didn’t know it until I was diagnosed in January. Reading about others’s experiences is very helpful. It’s also great when tips are shared, especially because I don’t really have any of my own yet. Thank you.
No matter what you are dealing with your writing always makes sense to me. I don’t deal with challenges like yours, I have my own, but they don’t seem to weigh as much and they don’t require chemical intervention. I am always impressed at your ability to communicate and I thank you for the silly posts and the serious posts and all you bring to the world.
“I DON’T CARE!” Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!”
“You do care,” said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. “You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
This is how I escape on bad days, Harry Freaking Potter, Jane Austen, The Bloggess; ie something extra-ordinary or hilarious, or like you, both.
My God…. A friend just reposted this today, the day of Robin Williams’ death by apparent suicide, the waning day of the super moon… It makes so much sense. I can absolutely see how a man who fought so hard, so valiantly for 63 years could lose the battle to the lies today….
I think all of us who fight the war could use this reminder today.
I wrote this earlier on facebook and felt I should share.
So rest in peace robin Williams. May you find peace from the demons that have plagued you in this life.
I hope his life wasnt wasted, that everyone sees how hard depression and anxiety are. Everyone from rich to poor, famous to the homeless dude on the corner, everyone can have those horrible demons in their heads. I can attest that some days are hard, so so very hard, where you hate everything about yourself, and think everyone else in the world sees the same thing as you. The demons whisper that your worthless, and ugly, and the world would be better off without you. They tell you that you have no value and that every breath you take is a waste. And you have to fight, every morning you get up you have to try to silence them, and try to ignore it. Some days it’s not as hard, but then there are days, days that are so very scary and sometimes too frequent coming, where the demons almost win. They are thisssss close to making you take those pills, or tie that knot, or pick up a gun, and silence them forever.
People who dont battle depression dont know what it’s like. They think that because you may have money, a job, a family, that you dont have anything to be depressed about. That you are golden, and just whining or wanting attention. But let me tell you, that they are wrong. Everyone hurts just the same.
So to my fellow suffers, tell the demons “NOT TODAY ASSHOLES!”. Tell them that you are worth it. That there are people out there who love you. Even if you think no one does, there is a least one person out there who’s heart will be so much more empty and broken without you. That if you are still alive and breathing, the man upstairs still has work for you to do, it’s never his intention for you to bow out early, to come knocking at those gates earlier then he calls. Go outside and take a deep breath and know that you are breathing for a reason. So yeah, I’m stepping off my soap box. And leaving you with this…I LOVE YOU! And a message I learned from a hilarious blogger The Bloggess “Depression lies”. Remember that. xoxoxox,
Jennifer
I consider myself fortunate since I’ve never struggled with depression. My heart goes out to those who do, and I’m deeply saddened by the plight of Robin Williams. Regarding the moon…I’ve journaled according to moon phases for years. For those who seem to get jerked around by our lunar ‘friend’ it may help to use its cycles to your advantage. I release my burden when it the moon is full and, about 2 weeks later, I set intentions for the next moon cycle. I’ve written about it here after a group of artists heard about the practice and wanted to know more… http://michelleandresart.com/?p=1189 I hope it’s okay to share. Jenny, I respect and admire your ability to know when not to wade through the quicksand that may pull you under. That’s very “evolved” and self aware. Good for you!
My Facebook post.
You know, this could be the least popular, most controversial thing I ever post. And I don’t care. I keep a lot of “unpopular” opinions inside because I am a peacemaker, but this one is important to me.
I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m sure I will, so this is a preemptive post.
Suicide is not a selfish act. It is a desperate act. An exhausted act. A defeated act. In some cases, it is a (misguidedly) altruistic act.
A suicidal person is not “doing it to hurt or get back at others.” If they are able to see that their death will cause others pain, the pain they are in eclipses that. Or, as is often my case in my darkest moments, they simply don’t believe that their passing will actually hurt anyone, that they don’t matter enough for their passing to hurt others. They do not see another option. They do not believe it is “a permanent solution to a temporary problem” because depression is not a temporary problem. It is in our core. Those of us who have struggled against it our entire lives do not know what life is like without it. The dark clouds are always there, even when therapy or medication or whatever method is keeping them at bay.
As someone I admire beyond words says, “depression lies.” Somedays, it takes super human strength for someone with depression to tamp down those lies enough to get out of bed. Enough to smile in public. Enough to carry on a “normal” conversation with a loved one. Enough to take one breath after another.
It is impossible to explain to someone who does not have depression what depression “feels” like. It defies words. Pharmaceutical companies say that “depression hurts,” but that’s not true. Pain has a source, a cause. You can identify pain. Often, there are at least temporary treatments that allow you moments without pain, where you feel like yourself. Depression…. Paralyzes. Crushes. No, smothers. It feels more like being pressed under a sodden, leaden blanket. It steals your hope, because you don’t see any way out of it.
Medication is a craps shoot. If it “works,” you could be dealing with false elation, a dense fog, or a flatlined emotional existence. If it doesn’t “work,” well, think if all those commercials you’ve seen… The more intensive treatments bear side effect lists more terrorizing than a Hollywood virus outbreak movie. And have you ever noticed the number one adverse side effect of anti-depressants? Increased thoughts of suicide, even for previously non-suicidal people. That in and of itself should show that suicide is a symptom of an illness, not a rational or coherent thought or choice.
Almost everyone can identify “depressive episodes” in their lives – times of intense emotional difficulty & distress. Take your mind back to that. Now, envision that as your everyday reality, not a temporary season in your life. How hopeless & beat down did you feel in that time? Can you see how exhausting that would be if that was your normal EVERYDAY? Did you ever think, fleetingly, not seriously, “it would be easier if I’d never been born,” or “I can’t do this anymore, I wish I was dead.” Or, if your depressive episode came out of something you’d done that caused a loved one pain, did you think, “it would be better for him/her/them if I wasn’t here?” Now, imagine that as a silent thread of thought that is always present. Sometimes in the very back of your mind like a half forgotten song snippet, sometimes overwhelming your thoughts like the strongest urge or lust you have ever felt in your entire life. How long could you live with that until you broke?
For some, they turn to drugs &/or alcohol. Some to sex, food or another outside stimulus. Anything that makes them think or feel something else, anything else, for a little while. Some find peace in religion, altruistic service, or throwing themselves into hobbies or their relationships. Some find it in comedy. Sometimes, those diversions help. Sometimes, they fail.
Depression is not a decision. My mother used to say to me, “I don’t understand why you want to be do unhappy all the time.” I didn’t want to be. I don’t want to be. I fight like hell not to be.
I hope this has given some of you without depression some insight. I hope it helps change some opinions on suicide. Beyond words, I hope it helps some of you not feel alone.
As Jenny Lawson says, “depression lies.”
And it’s damned good at it.
I used to work at an outpatient psychiatry clinic and the full moon, Fridays and high temperatures definitely affected the number of urgent care appointments we had. In some ways “logical” thinking and becoming detached from the natural cycles hasn’t helped the human race at all. Statistically self harm and acting out goes up during a full moon and scientists can’t really explain why. We are emotional creatures. Feelings are powerful. Knowing that helps me understand others and myself. And it helps me judge myself a little less.
Heyyyy peeps. My Twitter handle is @walkerwhimsy. Feel free to hit me up. I’ve only recently acknowledged the dark and twisty places of my brain, but I’m totally on board with blaming the fucking supermoon for making it worse today. I’m part werewolf, I’m sure of it.
Sending love to all you in the thick of the battle. <3
Jenny, thank you. I am going to call the hotline (for help with a relative) right now. Thank you, thank you.
You are not alone. We are here for you. Hit me up on Twitter. @clplainsimple
My heart is so very heavy and I’ve cried tonight as if I lost a family member. I grew up with Robin Williams in all my favorite movies and never once considered he’d be gone before becoming a very old man they wheeled out at award shows. I wish Tink had been on his shoulder today to remind him that depression lies :/
I’ve come across so many comments on suicide tonight (from friends and others commenting on Robin Williams), and it has made me so sad, and hurt, and disgusted. There’s so much about selfishness, cowardice, how “you can’t help those people so why even try”, and worse still. It was hard to find any understanding or people even trying to understand.
All I could do was cry. Then I’d stop and pull myself together just in time to start crying again.
I live with major depression and anxiety. I’ve attempted suicide before and know how painful and helpless things can get. And though I’m not suicidal now and wasn’t doing too bad at the moment, I couldn’t help but feel alone and beaten down when reading those comments. I don’t believe the people I know were trying to be hateful or hurtful, but everything they said made me sure that I’d never say anything or ask them for help if I needed it. Even people who I thought would be more caring were scathing.
I’m glad I came across this post tonight though. It was needed. I just really really needed this now.
Jenny – Thank you for posting tonight and linking back to this page. Even though I still feel sad and a bit wounded, it reminds me that there are people out there who care and understand.
Kathleen – that is a wonderful Facebook post you’ve written. Thank you for sharing it.
I’m subject to the moon and to boughts of “low grade” depression and this collective sadness of Williams’ death has my eyes swelling as I read every post and blog (this one is so good). Sometimes we have to feel the sadness and sometimes we need to step away and save ourselves. My heart is heavy over this news and I must take a time out from social media or I’ll succumb. For anyone else generally suffering with depression, this essay may also help: “I didn’t know I had depression.” Short video and some how to get happy tips: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/02/10-simple-things-to-get-happy-surprising-video/ Love yah, Jenny. Thanks for helping us laugh through it all. xo
I don’t really comment here a lot, but I’m so glad to know this community is here for people like us who know what the insidious voice of depression sounds like and how dark the world looks when you listen to it. I’ve shed more than a few tears after learning that such a bright, inventive man as Robin Williams is gone because of the lies that depression tells. I hope everyone reading this is taking good care of themselves and holding their loved ones a little tighter today.
This post was the first of yours I had ever found actually and here I am, visiting it again tonight. I connected with you immediately back then and never looked back. Thank you for this and for sharing what you did tonight regarding suicide, depression, and robin williams. Your words are so encouraging and are helping countless people. I’m personally very thankful for you. And thankful for all these beautiful posts here by people who know intimately the crushing pain of depression. It means so much to know we’re not alone. Thanks to you all for your bravery and honesty. I for one understand and it means so much to know you all do as well. Grateful for a supporting community. Xoxo.
I had my laptop open in February last year on the Beyond Blue webpage and thought, what am I supposed to do, ring a fucking stranger? But the fact that I COULD just ring a fucking stranger did help me. I ended up texting my brother and he text me straight back saying he was at a wedding and a bit tipsy, was I ok for tonight and we could talk tomorrow? It was a relief that he text me back, and we spoke the next day. He was my only person to talk to and I was his. Months later he killed himself. I can never fucking ask him for help again, never talk to him again. It’s a fucking tragedy. I’m devastated beyond belief, but I’m still here because if I go down, I’ll pull my entire family down with me. And today, I just cannot do that to them.
Jenny I fucking adore the utter fuck out of you. Thank you for being real. Thank you so much for being real.
xxxxxxxxx
Thank you. I think you just saved my life again tonight.
Today’s brought me a funny lesson – there is one beautiful thing about depression. In those tragic moments when one of us loses our war with it, the rest of us quickly gather round to help re-arm each other for the battles. I mean, heck, we do it when we can anyway, but it’s at the darkest moments that we, the broken, work our hardest to shine our lights on other people.
Stay strong guys. Massive internet group hugs.
And Jenny – all of the love.
Imagining a loved one in the same situation helped me. When my daughter was four, I had a nightmare that I went to pick her up from my mother’s house and was told she was playing downstairs. When I went down, I found her covered in cuts. When asked why, she said “It’s ok cuz mommy does it to herself”. I never cut again.
I thought of you and Allie and all of our tribe and wish we could have hugged Robin through the valley. Then I read some idiotic comments from people who think that he is a criminal for going down this final path and I wanted to scream at them, all up close and personal-like. I consoled myself with watching clips and sending love to all who need it. Be well.
Thanks so much for this beautiful post. I feel a bit teary. I appreciate you for sharing your struggle. It makes me believe that I can win the struggle also. <3
This has really blown me away. Can’t believe I cried so much over someone I had never met.
Kathleen at message 568 – Ok if I “borrow” some of your words? You have said exactly what I feel but in a so eloquent fashion.
Dear Depression: Knock Knock, Motherfucker, I shall persevere.
But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn’t going to work.
Robin Williams’s death, for some reason, has hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been crying pretty much constantly since last night. I’m really not sure why. Maybe because I can relate to hiding pain with humor. That’s definitely my MO. It’s just so sad…
I honestly have never seen how a suicide hotline could help. I’ve talked to so many people open and willing to hear me speak, I’ve spoken to therapists and friends and family – nothing takes the hurt away. Nothing makes the pain bearable. I’ve spoken so much about it, that no one wants to hear it anymore. How can talking to a stranger on a phone help? Phones terrify me to begin with. So I struggle alone. I live in constant fear of the urge to self harm. I pray every morning on the drive to work for an 18 wheeler to swerve into my lane and end it all. I survive each day – but I don’t really live.
(The people on the hotline have been in your shoes. They can give help that others can’t. Also, there’s no feelings of guilt in telling a stranger as opposed to someone who loves you or someone who is medically required to help you. Keep breathing. Keep trying. It can take so long to find the right path, but it’s there. ~ Jenny)
If loving you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
Kathleen, I hope you don’t mind, I borrowed many of your words today. You said so eloquently what I wanted to say. Thank you.
For what it’s worth, as soon as I heard about Robin I felt the need to come here to the ‘tribe’. It isn’t especially triggering for me (if it is for whoever might be reading this, please, please, please, get help and take care of yourself) but I just feel so sad. Sending virtual hugs to everyone.
When I read the news, I was home alone. I called my husband in tears. One of the first things he said to me was, “Depression lies.” It reminded me that I’m never alone, that my tribe is here, ready with light and hugs and laughter and Kleenex, to fight the lies depression tells us. It lies, and it’s a motorcycling bastard… that was supposed to be “motherfucking bastard” but it made me laugh through my tears so I left it in hopes that someone else would get a laugh out of it too. I’m going to go cry some more now, and maybe make myself a t-shirt that says “Depression lies, motorcycling bastard.” Maybe with pictures. Because I think it’ll make me feel better. Stay strong and be brave. We CAN get through this.
Grow something! I find it very nurturing to plant flowers in my garden and take the time to water them during the week. It keeps me busy and the beauty when they flourish heals something inside of me. God Bless Robin Williams and all of us who suffer.
Jenny:
I just wanted to say “bless you” for your continued campaign to survive depression. I spent 4-1/2 years as a crisis counselor and it still gets me when I hear news like yesterday. I woke up this morning with the same pain in my stomach that I used to get when I felt that I had failed somehow in making someone’s life more worth living. I “get” depression because I, too, suffer from it. It is a cancer of the soul that makes you want to craft your own exit. Anyone who has suffered and continued to win is a hero in my eyes and heart.
All of you out there, take good care of yourselves. Each other, too, but primarily yourself. Don’t hesitate to call a hotline. They will be there for you, anytime and for as long as you need them.
Pam
Jenny, you were one of the first people I thought of when I heard the news. Next came the rest of you here in the Tribe. I’m hoping that you’re all okay right now.
I have felt completely sick to my stomach since last night … and all I could think was that I wish so badly that a whole army of us could have marched to his house and handed him one of your new “Depression Lies” necklaces. Then maybe we could have all just hugged him until the sun came up.
Love you all.
As many others I thought of you pretty quickly after I heard the news. This loss has saddened me very much – hit me full throttle. Reading his words to his daughter and then her tribute today was gut wrenching. Someone on the radio said many “don’t get” depression (as in they just don’t understand it.) and that rang so very true. I read this post in January and re-read it again today – it’s so beautifully written and just nails it.
So to Jenny, to all of you. Keep looking up and love to us all
Keep on fightin’ ya’ll. This world is too beautiful, too full of wonder, too full of love to give up the fight. We all know what happens the minute we stop fighting, and ain’t nobody got time for that.
Kathleen – thank you for your post. So very well written. Take care.
Does anyone have a link to the depression lies folded paper bracelet that used to be here somewhere? It’s been a useful tool for me in the past. I could really use one right now.
Everyone who has asked, YES! PLEASE share my post if you think it will help people. I am so honoured.
I’m usually good for a laugh or a witty response but sorry, I just can’t this time and that’s okay. I know I will get it back but Robin Williams’ suicide hurts in a place where childhood is, we grew up with him. WHY DOES MENTAL ILLNESS STILL HAVE SUCH A NEGATIVE STIGMA, IT SHOULDN’T. WHAT IF CANCER WAS SUBSTITUTED FOR MENTAL ILLNESS? I don’t understand. it is an illness like any other illness and needs to be treated by a professional. I have an anxiety disorder and take meds for it, like Jenny, and it is treatable. Sure, there are some bad days but there are some bad days for everyone. Isn’t it time that mental illness can come out of the closet and be accepted by eveyrone instead of being a hushed secret? Come on, people,
give those of us who struggle with something different, an ecouraging word, a smile, a chance to say “I feel sad today.” More money is needed for mental health providers but I’m sure Robin Williams could have provided that for himself. PLEASE, talk to each other or call a suicide hotline. If not for yourself, then for your children, your mother, brother, best friend and Jenny. Signed, your friend, Laurie F. hibernationnow.wordpress.com
Much, much appreciated. Especially the “unreasonably angry at strangers at the internet” (although, in my case, it is other drivers, so long as I keep my promise to my husband that I won’t road-rage-tail/follow them anymore, ummmmm) and that last bullet. Thank you for sharing these words, and especially for linking back to it today. Many hugs to you.
Thank you for posting this today — I really needed to read it again.
I lost my grandmother two years ago, and she left the same way Robin Williams did. I know what you mean about being triggered. All of the pain is surfacing again. All of a sudden my social media feeds are full of those mourning and trying to cope with this loss. A part of me feels angry and frustrated, and like shouting from the rooftops “none of you really understand!” after silently suffering in grief for years, the soul of my loved one only remembered by a few, instead of millions. I also feel relieved, that the burden of this pain is felt by the masses, that they DO finally understand this grief. Another part is sad, that another life is gone by their own hand. Maybe it is my time to stop being afraid of speaking out as a survivor, rather than hiding behind something that I was afraid would be uncomfortable for others to hear about. It’s all out in the open now.
I’ve been struggling with severe depression for as long as I can remember. It isn’t something I talk about much. The first time I remember wanting to kill myself I was 9 or 10. My first real suicide attempt was at 16. I was sent to therapy and became very, very good at presenting a “normal” mask. I’ve been very high functioning, even with the disease – I breezed through college, I have a interesting career and fancy job titles, I’m in a loving and stable marriage. Every year or two, I’d go from “just” depressed to suicidal. In January of this year, at age 32, I finally got the help I had needed for more than two decades because I walked into an urgent care facility instead of back to my house for another suicide attempt. I spent a week in a psychiatric institute and it was honestly the first time in my life that I felt safe and felt like I had a chance. I started on medication that has given me some quality of life and work with a therapist who monitors my mental state and helps me find healthy ways to manage my life. But the cost of waiting so long and going through so many severe cycles means I have gone from depression to chronic severe depression with psychotic features – when I crash now, it’s accompanied with hallucinations, paranoia, and the diagnostic texts simply say “the prognosis is poor” for psychotic depression. I wish I hadn’t been so good at seeming normal and I wish I’d let my parents put me on antidepressants 20 years ago. The worst part of January was seeing my husband believe that he did something to make me sad and trying to understand the “reasons” I was so unhappy – there’s no logic or reason in severe depression, it’s no one’s fault, and it certainly can’t be cured just by loving someone enough. Today, I’m stable, I’m happy, and I’m trying to live as much life as I can now in case the drugs stop working, but hearing news of someone losing their fight with this disease makes me very scared for myself.
My mother keeps asking when I am going to stop taking my psych meds. Like it’s a cold or something and it will eventually just go away. This morning I told her that I was struggling with Robin Williams’ death but that I was okay and working through it, but his end was the reason that I wasn’t going to ever stop taking my meds. She told me that she was too busy to have depression or anxiety and couldn’t identify with anyone that spent all of their time dwelling on their illness, physical or otherwise. Awesome. Thanks for understanding, mom.
I am thankful for all of you that “get it” and loathe that we are missing whatever piece of the puzzle that makes us flip-our-shit on occasion. I would love to be normal but I haven’t seen a single example of anyone that is, so I think it is a moot thought.
Jenny, you are my anchor in the storm and so many times you have pulled me through really shitty days. I am humbled by your willingness to lead the tribe.
I heard about Robin Williams and thought of you..not in a bad way just in a concerned please be ok way..
Thank you for writing this. When I’m in this space where I’m sure I’ll never ever feel better ever again, I stop being able to understand the people around me; how they go about their lives and do the things they do. I don’t understand wanting to do anything. I can’t imagine being a mother and having this. Love turns into guilt when I’m in this place, and I can’t touch it anymore, I feel separated from everything like the world isn’t real, and I think that would multiply the feeling tenfold. Or maybe it would help, who knows, but it know I’m prone to turning love into guilt, thinking about how I don’t do enough for the people I care about, I’ll even cry for not playing enough with my cats.
I don’t really have more than a few hours feeling normal to take advantage of, some weeks, then they slip away right in the middle of something important and I feel so panicked and hopeless and guilty that I screwed up so that I can’t even read the papers people hand me or the numbers on a clock. But reading this helps, a tiny bit.
And you reminded me, just now, when I needed it again, of things I understand, things that are real. It makes the hopelessness a little lighter to know there are people who do understand. It makes the world feel more solid, because we’re all here, on this world, right now, fighting in our own ways. I’m not imaginary.
Also, to Claire, you sound a lot like me, except I ended up quitting university and restarting it as a very slow slog back. It’s so hard to have your husband come in the room and see you crying, and try to figure out another of a hundred ways to say, ‘Nothing has to HAPPEN. I just break sometimes. It’s not your fault’.
I am simultaneously crying at the being depressed part and laughing at the turkey butler part. Thanks. Robin’s death made me cry. I should probably go watch Mrs. Doubtfire and let him make me laugh.
As someone who has struggled, and finally found the right medication, the right balance of exercise and self-care I so wish that other would have people around them to help them see when the darkness is too close. I have my husband and my daughter to be there so I don’t go too deep, too far away. I sometimes need people to remind me that depression lies. I met a two year old a few days ago who told me I was Perfect. I wish all people who struggle with depression and self doubt could have met this little guy. He was a buddha, I think.
Thank you. I needed this.:)
Jenny Lawson, YOU ARE A TREASURE and we love you!! 😀
Oh, and WE LOVE YOU!! should be in caps, too… Just to be clear… 😉
In “Myths about Suicide,” Thomas Joiner shares personal experience and professional understanding. He says that we may desire and be more at risk for suicide if and when we believe two particular thoughts for too long: “We are a burden in this world,” and “We do not belong.” Fight against this lethal combination in your loved ones.—from an essay I wrote last year
Jenny—Love you tender, love you true
“I find it very triggering to talk about a humorist who has lost his battle with mental illness so I’m not going to write about this.”
Yep.
Found this: http://www.muddledmother.org/2014/08/robin-williams-suicide-what-only-those.html
Thought it was close as it comes. Let’s all keep fighting 🙂
Do not stop asking why you are sick. Confront those who have taught you not to trust others or your own feelings, and honor that you have real losses to grieve. Talk about emotional abuse. Talk about neglect. Talk about rape or sexual assault. Talk about all the traumas in your life. Read Alice Miller’s The Body Never Lies and Judith Herman’s Trauma and Recovery. Recognize that the way you interact with the world that prolongs your suffering now may have at one time been adaptive and helped you survive. Your pain is a messenger.
Do not stop asking why you are sick. Confront those who have taught you not to trust others or your own feelings, and honor that you have real losses to grieve. Talk about emotional abuse. Talk about neglect. Talk about rape or sexual assault. Talk about all the traumas in your life. Read Alice Miller’s The Body Never Lies and Judith Herman’s Trauma and Recovery. Recognize that the way you interact with the world that prolongs your suffering now may have at one time been adaptive and helped you survive. Your pain is a messenger.
Thank you so much for linking this article in your latest post (15/08/2014) because I’ve been in the hole too and even though I’m medicated now and doing much better, these posts relating to Robin Williams’ passing have been extremely triggering. The tip about elastics and ice instead of cutting etc was especially helpful. It just helps so much to know someone else has been in a similar place and can offer some real, wonderful coping tips. I really needed this right now. <3
Reblogged this on Lifesfatefulway's Blog and commented:
WOW…….THIS ONE BLEW ME AWAY!!!
I found this in the comments of a Robin Williams tribute video and thought there might be a lot of supporters here for the petition.
http://www.change.org/petitions/robin-williams-lasting-gift-depression-awareness-perhaps-one-of-the-biggest-and-lasting-gifts-that-robin-williams-may-have-left-us-creating-an-open-dialogue-about-depression?share_id=XcZqdmfaOH&utm_campaign=share_button_action_box&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=share_petition
thank you for thinking of us and sending us here when you’re feeling triggered and hurting. you are one of the best people ever…a lovely comic reminded me this week that we do not have flaws, we have character. you, my lovely, have a lot of character.
Thank you, Bloggess! I have been reading posts and laughing hysterically for an hour, which is precisely what I need on the anniversary of my father’s death. 🙂
Once again, thank you so much for your candid and truthful sharing of your journey. It means a lot to me…and countless others.
I never usually comment but I’ve been up all night & I’m struggling. It’s almost 5am & my alarm is set for 6. I will call in sick which is what I always do. I don’t do the things I’m supposed to do. I hardly ever went to school. My mum has bipolar & mostly I just felt safer at home. Not too much has changed. Sometimes I go to work & cry so much I’m inconsolable. I can’t be like that in my job, I’m supposed to be a nurse. My job has the potential to boost my confidence & it is interesting & I feel good about myself when I can do it, but I’m not sure I enjoy it. If I don’t work I don’t get paid. I have noticed anxiety symptoms recently, as well as depressive illness symptoms. I pull my hair out, I recently developed an eating disorder. Even when I don’t make myself sick I still have digestive problems at the moment. My friends & family think I’m fine. I think I’m fine sometimes. I have a feeling deep down that I am just lazy & weak. I don’t go to work because I’m lazy & I’m not brave. I’ve been treated for depressive illness & anxiety before, & I will again. Perhaps I’ll end up like my mother, with half a life lived because of illness, wasted potential & no sense of who I am. Mum lost so much, & now she’s not herself because of years of treatment & medication ranging from the inept to the barbaric. I don’t understand what this is so why should the rest of the world. I’m so tired. I’m tired of this pattern.
(You are not alone. But you are needed. I know it’s hard to believe especially when you’re very low, but things will get better. It takes work and that’s incredibly hard when you’re suffering from mental illness, but you can do it. There are hotlines and support groups that can point you in the right direction. Trust me when I say that finding the right medication and treatment makes the world worth living in again. Don’t listen to the lies depression is telling you. Get help. Keep fighting until you better. You are so worth it. ~ Jenny)
Re the moon, best explanation I recall hearing was that as we (ie science) know the moon affects the tides, and as we are 70% water, of course it affects us! And water has a high correlation with emotions, both symbolically and physiologically. Long ago I had lost someone to suicide. I was young, so have no knowledge of how the moon affected them. I know a number of people who suffer from depression in varying degrees. I love your posts, all of them! Thank you for sharing yourself with the world, not just the funny side, but this much more vulnerable side as well!
Something I love to do is comment on a post that’s over 2 years old. I would post to my own blog or my own Twitter, but I stopped doing that because people got tired of me being crazy. But, you know, crazy doesn’t just go away. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, dissociative disorder, dependent PD, traits of borderline and avoidant. I’m like a fucking a la cart menu.
And you know, I’m doing it all. Everything I’m supposed to. Taking meds. Going to therapy. Talking to my husband. Happy music. Meditation. Good books. Avoiding triggers. And it’s just so god damn exhausting because it comes back. It never goes away for good. And I’m tired of it. So tired. I spent so many weeks/months out of the last year and a half in one psychiatric hospital or another. I just want so badly to be cured.
“You can be mentally ill and still be a good person.”
I know this post is old but I am deep in a hole today and feeling all kinds of ways about it. I have spent most of the day beating myself up for being a terrible mother and worrying desperately about how my own mental issues affect my kid. I burst into tears reading this. I love you, Bloggess. I am so glad I thought to google you for a mental health pep talk.
I’m not sure the correct or wrong way to start a comment. The only social media I like is Facebook. It’s very easy. I enjoy posting absurd Wild sporadic random silly memes. Sometimes I personally think they’re absolutely hilarious but completely vulgar and sexual offend people at times. The only other thing I ever really use the internet for is Google and that is to research stuff. I actually despise internet computer technology is not my thing. With that said this is the first story I’ve read that talks about someone’s own personal experience with mental illness. I thought that was Brave. With that said I’m going to try to tell my story because I’m at a point where I will try almost anything to get better. I’m 35 I’ll turn 36 June 3rd 2018. I’m not writing this for sympathy pity or actually any kind of emotion whatsoever. Most everyone in this world has had a hard life struggled and has made it just fine. I woke up yesterday May 30th at 2 p.m. it is now 10:28 a.m. May 31st. I have not slept a single minute and I probably won’t get any sleep until at least 3 a.m. it’s not because I don’t want to I can’t. So if I have not bored you and you are still continuing to read and a young age over a period of a Time I was sexually abused by my stepdad. I had finally got Brave and told my mom about it she left him. I went to counseling he was required by the court to go to counseling, but he never got any jail time and was never registered as a sex offender. I never once understood why but my mother ended up taking him back. They had an on-and-off relationship for about 8 years. He also sexually abused two of his nieces which one was removed from her home. The other niece that got to stay at home had a friend he also sexually abused. I had a friend was it one day and he tried to sexually abuse her but she ran. Everyone he tried to sexually abused was a girl except for one. I’m not going to give details about his relationship to me but I know for a fact he was forced to watch illegal child pornography, because he admitted that to me. I asked him if he was sexually abused as well but he would not tell me he only cried. I also know this is off subject but the effects that it caused him were horrific. And a young age he started trying drugs such as Xanax alcohol marijuana crack cocaine to escape his trauma. He got into a lot of serious trouble spending jail time over things such as that also from stealing and worse exposing himself on 3 different occasions. I know he has grown up a bit and stopped doing drugs but I’m not sure how he copes with the sexual abuse or if he does anything inappropriate anymore we don’t keep in contact. I apologize for going off subject so back to me. I’m now able to cope with the sexual abuse and that happened in my life but I carry a lot of resentment against my mom I’m still in the process of trying to forgive her. I’m diagnosed bipolar. I struggle with being manic and having lows. I’m currently taking Geodon and lithium to help with that disorder. I have so many other issues this page is probably going to stop me from writing so I will say as much as I can. Bipolar alone as a hard thing to deal with I’ve done research on my own. I have a psychiatrist a therapist and then I also talked with my family physician. Even though I’m deal with it I still have always found a way to be a happy person a caring person even a good person or at least I try the best I can. I enjoy making other people feel good. I absolutely love making people laugh. Laughing is also my most favorite thing in this whole entire world. It makes me smile it makes me happy it feels so amazing and good. It’s definitely the way to my heart. LOL sex is right there with it though how can that not be somebody’s favorite thing. I’m an open-minded person I really believed I will would wait for sex after I got married but I was stupid and gave it up my junior year. No regrets though. My senior year I realized I was interested in girls. I fell in love we were together for 7 years. She was hilarious that’s why I just wanted to be with her so bad. She ended up having alcohol issues and started becoming abusive. She had cheated several times. I felt like I could help her and I did not want to give up on her but we had to come to an end eventually. After we had split up for 2 years I became a wild child. I was so promiscuous. Almost a different girl every night. I never loved any of them on though I was completely honest and told them I was not interested in anything but sex. Even after 2 years of freedom I still was not quite ready to settle down but I had a much younger friend who continuously showed her interest in me. She was not gay as matter of fact she had the beautifulest baby girl and I had the privilege of holding her the day she was born in the hospital. First baby I’ve ever held in my arms. Scared me to death LOL I had to sit down in a chair and someone had to place her in my arms but once she was there I didn’t want to let her go. Even though I was fairly young myself I was always responsible never got into any trouble, hahaha I was even too scared to skip a single day of school. I actually was kind of a dork and I’m proud of it. Again getting off subject I was roughly the age of 25 and the much much younger girl who had that beautiful baby girl I got to hold who persistently let me know she was interested wore me down and we started a relationship. I did tell her we would never work out because she would want to party and I felt like if I was going to get in a relationship with her with her baby that we should try to be an actual family. We were really good for 4 years and then of course I had to work 12-hour shifts all kinds of overtime so I didn’t have much time to go and hang out. And like I said she wanted to party it was cool to an extent but one night we had spent a wonderful day looking at caves learning about dinosaurs shopping at small town tourist shops as a family. We arrived back home late that night she was supposed to put the baby to bed and meet me back at my house and we were supposed to have a nice relaxing intimate night. I always try to make something funny out of the bed situation so I hope you all enjoy this laugh. I was horny as hell so I could not wait for her to come over. She did her thing to put the baby to bed I went home I needed to shave the night before and I get that sucker smooth as possible I shaved the wrong way to make sure I get every little bit so you all know I have razor burn. OMG s*** hurt so bad look like herpes. Grossed out yet lol okay just teasing it wasn’t that bad I’m exaggerating a tad bit. No joke hurt like hell though. I’ll probably say it 3.2 more times. Anyways you know how it goes you will get a little spiky the next day. So I am like screw it I’m going to go ahead and shave got my girl all nice and smooth again. I got more of them bumps what I say they are RAZOR BURN. Totally worth it though cuz I’m about to get laid right I jump out the shower give her a call and she tells me she’s having trouble getting her sleep. It’s like 2 in the morning I tell her put her butt in bed shut the door wait till you stop hearing her cry going and check and make sure she’s asleep and then tell the babysitter you’ll be back later. She said okay 30 minutes go by I’m still waiting for her to call. I get impatient I call no answer. I called three more times still no answer. At this point I was like something’s ridiculous jumped in my truck drove to her house she’s standing outside with another girl. So guess what folks and that was the end of that relationship. After being strictly lickly for 11 years I decided I was going to give the girls break. LOL I mean I done slept with all of them anyways. Just playing. Maybe. K-Oaky I’m teasing. I Facebook a male friend from elementary school I knew forever and asked if you wanted to experiment. Hum can you guess what I mean by that. If you can’t it’s going to be My Little Secret. We continue to hang out for quite a while. And he was silly had me laughing all the damn time. One day he asked if I wanted to start dating. I had an apartment he lived with his mom and before you say anything yeah I should have known better. When we started hanging out I had asked him do you drink because I don’t like it don’t want to be around it he said no not really I said do you do drugs he said no way your do you think I am. Yes my mom did you drugs and but I was a kid and the only thing I knew about was marijuana. It wasn’t until I was in my twenties that I found out she did a variety of other things. I didn’t know much about any of them didn’t know what they look like didn’t know how they made people act but I had to find that out the hard way. After he moved in I found out he was addicted to Xanax I tried to help him get himself clean he started drinking alcohol extensively. my mother was a big alcoholic and I really hated it. I’d much rather her smoke a pound of marijuana then drink a single beer. If so I had to talk with Ray and tell him I could not handle that so he stopped. Just like magic. Just for me. Boy did that make me feel special, well dot-dot…… until I found out he had been doing meth. We have been living together for about 2 years not once not ever wouldn’t even consider it, but he’d been doing it the whole entire time. I have no idea why but one day he got it out ask me if I wanted some I said what is it he told me. My response was why in the world are you going to do that it’s horrible for you it’ll kill you. He laughed then he told me how long he’s been doing it which was even longer than we have been together way longer and then said did you ever know I said of course not I would not have gotten into a relationship with you if I knew. It is now 11:35 a.m. my battery on my phone is 2% so I’m going to try to wrap this up quickly. I stayed with him trying to help him get clean and I actually did succeed at that as well but the downside he picked her and came back up he woke up drinking went to sleep drinking. Then the abuse started. The worst was we was driving down in an expressway with the speed limit 65 I felt comfortable going 70. Out of nowhere he told me to go faster I told him I was already going 5 minutes over the speed limit. It was not good enough for him. He reached over put his foot on my gas all the way to the floor. I told him to stop he grabbed the back of my head about to medium size girl hands was ripped from my skull ahenning82.ah@gmail.com
(You have been through hell but you are still strong. Be proud of that. Keep going. Keep breathing. Make good and healthy choices. You deserve that. Sending love. ~ Jenny)
I apologize I used some1 website i didn’t have 1. My story wasn’t done and i have 1% battery. I never did this b4 and didn’t know how. I’m so sorry please don’t be mad.
Nice article, nice info for who is suffering from anxiety and depression.
https://www.hupcfl.com
It was a great piece of writing and information about anxiety and mental health. how to manage this problem in the difficult moments of Covid-19. Keep your head up, keep going. Things are opening up.
Very nice information shared for depression. I also want some information about pain killer pills as i know one of them is meridia pills.
Thanks for sharing this!