I’d kill everyone just out of spite, but I’m possibly too old and might break a hip.

in I am totally overrated, Random crap, weekly reruns

Conversation with the guy at the video game store:

Clerk: Can I help you find something?

me:  I’m looking for a new game.  Something where you explore and solve puzzles but you don’t have to shoot anyone.  Something like Myst, maybe?

Clerk:  I’m not familiar with it.

me: Really?  Myst?  It was a super-big-deal video game.  It came out in the mid-90’s, I guess?

Clerk:  Oh.  Yeah, I wasn’t born then.

me:  Ah.  And now I understand why they say video games make people violent.

**********

And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means its time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you  by the fabulous woman who invented JustGoGirl,  a low profile pad for women with athletic leaks that occur when you run or jump.  Millions have this issue but it hasn’t received a lot of attention because women aren’t comfortable talking about it. It’s light, comfortable and invisible in tight workout clothes.  It’s also good to wear when you’re laughing so hard that you pee.  Just saying.

225 thoughts on “I’d kill everyone just out of spite, but I’m possibly too old and might break a hip.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Yeah, I just turned 44 on Friday. My closest friend at work was four years old when “Top Gun” came out. I am constantly reminded how old I am by every pop-culture reference I make.

  2. PORTAL!!! You want to play PORTAL!!! Trust me. It’s awesome, and you rarely feel the need to kill people.

  3. How can you work at a video game store and not hear of myst? If you have a ps3 there’s a game on the store called Journey that you might enjoy playing.

  4. People who weren’t born in the 90s shouldn’t be working in stores.
    Wasn’t the 90’s just a few years ago?

    Wait. It is 2014. I feel so old.

  7. We went out with friends last night, and they were taking about when they were little kids, “way back in 1998!”

    Yeah, I was engaged and moved to another state in 1998.

  8. I miss games like that! Also nintendo games like “Uninvited” where you also had to explore and solve a mystery/ search for clues.

  11. Good ol’ video games. The Epic Mickey games might fit the bill–although, he does use a paintbrush as a weapon, in the most non-violent way possible.

  13. Wait, people who weren’t born yet in mid-90’s can already work in stores? Aren’t they like, in Elementary school or something?

  14. I feel like it’s okay for some random person born in the 90’s or later to not know about Myst. But someone who WORKS IN A VIDEO GAME STORE should damn well know about older stuff in the field they’re working in! This gives me the same rage as when contestants on American Idol who are TRYING TO MAKE A LIVING IN MUSIC say, “Oh gee, I think I’ve heard of the Beatles, but I don’t really know any of their songs.”

  15. Funny, I was just thinking about MYST the other day…and how frustrated I was with it….and how I hated the music. It was creep. Games these days are ever so much more frustrating…and the music has definitely upped in creep-factorness.

  17. I think my hip is already broken, so I’m in. Have you played Balder’s Gate? (I’m spelling that wrong, but my hip’s broke, so I’m not getting up.) I like to shoot arrows at giant spiders, it’s the best.

  19. Does anyone else remember a game called ‘the seventh guest’? I loved that! Kind of creepy and spooky with puzzles and stuff.
    Also games like populous where you just …click. I liked that, too. I was easily amused. Nothing much changed.

  21. I was talking to a friend in a store and they were humming a Cindy Lauper song. I asked if they liked her. They said, “who’s that?” How the hell do they not know who that is? It was her song they were humming! I got the “I wasn’t born then” also. I wanted to shoot them right there.

  23. I’m studying to design video games and all my middle-aged teachers go MYSTY-EYED over that game (get it, get it). Still, dude works in a video game store, doesn’t know Myst? Really?

  25. You might like Journey? My roommate (and his step-daughter) love it. It’s by Thatgamecompany. I have no clue what systems, but he plays it on a PS3. They also love Flower, which is by the same company. It’s very zen-like.

  27. A friend of mine, much younger than me referred to Destiny’s Child as “old school”!!

  28. Have you tried the Nancy Drew games? Secrets Can Kill and The Captive Curse are my favorites. You might also like hidden object games like the Nancy Drew Dossiers, the Murder She Wrote games, and The Lost Cases of Sherlock Holmes

  29. Have you never heard Gabi fangirling about Professor Layton? Go buy it right now. Make sure you start with game 1.

  30. I loved Myst and second the Portal recommendation. For me, it is a game that requires a lot of focus. Doesn’t go well with barking dogs, demanding children or alcohol. Just me 🙂

  32. I agree with the recommendations for both Portal and “Gone Home”. Also, if you can find an old copy with appropriate OS to run it on, “The Neverhood” (from the mid-90s) was amazing.

  35. Yeah, I was going to say ‘Gone Home’, too. You get it online at Steam. Also, The Stanley Parable.I LOVED Myst. My son turned me on to Gone Home, and Stanley. Same kind of thing, but without the amazing graphics of Myst.

  36. Like Marla said above, play Portal – omg the humor is freaking awesome, though Portal 2 is the newest and I loved it even more… I think you will relate to Gladios in some way. 😉

  37. I loved Myst! I play Big Fish hidden object/adventure games that are Myst like in some ways.

  38. phone app games escape from diamond penthouse or those ruby den or something like that. they’re really quick mini myst fixes. and i think they’re free.

  39. Portal is a good suggestion. If you are looking for good puzzle games on your computer try Big Fish Games website. They have hidden object games that you can download one hour trials. Great for try before you buy or to just kill time.

  40. Try The Room, you can get it for you iPad or iPhone and when you’re done with that get The Room 2. But be warned, you will not be able to pay attention to anything else so do not operate heavy equipment or leave the iron or stove on when you start playing.

  41. Check out Broken Age for PC. It comes out January 28 and you can pre-order for $22. It’s from the guy that did Full Throttle, Grim Fandango, and Day of the Tentacle, if you’re familiar with any of those. Those are all good puzzle type games from the mid ’90s too. My husband supported a kick-starter Broken Age about 2 years ago and finally got the pre-release a week ago. He’s been loving it.

  43. Jenni,
    I have been using this site for about 3 or 4 years…GOGmix – Myst series on GOG.com – GOG.com – http://www.gog.com/mix/myst_series_on_gog_com I HAVE all the Myst games. They had a sale and I think I paid like 5.00 for all of them…This is a legal games site and the prices are pretty cheap. When you join you get some free games too. I signed up for their newsletter and they have sales on things every week.

    Enjoy!

  46. Ha! I just celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary and my firstborn turns 20 next month…

    But! I finished Legendary on Halo before he was even allowed to play it, and yes, it is a shooter, so not what you’re looking for. However, my kids loved Portal & Portal 2, spouse and kids enjoy Fable III (some beating on bad things, but it doesn’t seem overly shooty), and we all liked Skyrim which is on the more violent side, but you can also just run around the countryside and not kill things unless they attack you. It’s very pretty (the countryside, not the attacking). And you can be a human-sized cat. Just saying.

  47. PS4 has a game called Contrast that is fun and sounds like what you are looking for.

  48. Take a look at Journey (I think it might only be for PS3?) Not really a puzzle game in the truest sense and hard to describe what it is… But relaxing and beautiful.

  49. I updated my phone, went to take a video and it wouldn’t work. I kept hitting the video button – nada. Went to Apple, waited 20 minutes, handed it to some 17 yr old who took one look at it…SWIPED the screen and voila video works. Moral of the story – young people suck.

  53. About a year ago, I went searching for “games like Myst.” Yup, I’m 42. iPad games have been a time-suck ever since.

    Games I recommend (all for iPad): The Room, The Room 2, The Lost City, Drawn: The Painted Tower (and its sequels). There are MANY others, but those’ll give you a start down that evil, evil, path. They’re especially helpful when you’re (by which I mean I’m) in a depressive state and avoiding the world.

  54. I would greatly recommend “Don’t Starve”. It’s as if Tim Burton made it (dark humor and dark in general). You do occasionally have to kill cute bunnies to survive, but they scream and run away when you approach them, which is kinda annoying, so it’s not so bad.

  56. I’m glad I’m not the only one here to immediately think of The Room for iPad, if you have one. It’s wonderful and creepy in a way I think you’ll love. You can play through it in just a couple of hours, but you will not be able to do anything else (eat, sleep, pry yourself away from the screen) during that time 🙂

  59. Before we had our own computer, my husband and I would put the boys (ages 2, 4 and 5) in their jammies, get them chicken nuggets, grab sleeping bags and pillows and go to his office and play MYST until 3 or 4 in the morning while the boys watched movies and fell asleep! We were great parents!!!!

  60. The guy works in a video store. Is not being born yet a legitimate excuse for not knowing about epic, older games?

  61. Eh, kid working in a video game store for minimum wage? He’s not getting paid to be an expert, he’s paid to operate the cash register at you and be polite. It might help him to know as many games as possible, but it’s definitely not required.
    Also, my boyfriend’s little sister was born in 97 and she’s graduating from high school this year. I’m just like, ”shouldn’t you still be in kindergarten?” ugh

  62. STEAM is a pc gaming platform for a lot of games. They have a library you can look through with a lot of ‘indie’ games.
    Lilly Looking Through is a puzzle type game. (you have to flip this switch, burst this bubble, in this order before you can go through) kind of thing.
    http://store.steampowered.com/app/250030/

    I also read Neil Gaiman is releasing a game on Steam as well.
    http://store.steampowered.com/app/246720/

    And I played 7th Guest. And 11th Hour. And the Shivers games and Myst. I loved the puzzle games of the 90s.

  63. The Nancy drew series is a lot of fun!. If you have access to a ds you should try the Professor Layton games. Each game has 100+ puzzles and a good plot. Plus the characters are British!

  64. Thanks for sharing about JustGoGirl! Now I won’t have to suffer using Depends–which you have again made me consider investing in because of Jennifer the Part Pooper!

  65. OhMyGod…I am so old I have never even heard of Myst!
    I probably just broke a hip typing that.
    Damn you all young whippersnappers to hell in a handbasket!

    I am 50freaking2 years old and in my mind, I am maybe 30-something. It doesn’t seem fair all this aging crap.

  67. The Professor, the Partidge Family’s manager and the last female munchkin all died last week. Now, I saw these in reruns but everyone my age knows who they are. On FB I had to ask people to not tell me if they didn’t have a clue. Nobody needs constant reminding that their pop culture references are so old nobody remembers and/or they’re all dying.

  68. If you wanted to experience winter, you should have just come to Buffalo already. We’re good at winter around here.

  69. The Room on iPhone has totally sucked me in. Suddenly my kids naps aren’t long enough. Mystery/slightly macabre…awesome!

  71. Seriously?! I’m 23 and I remember Myst. It was the first video game (besides Math Blasters and Put-Put Saves the Zoo) that I ever played. This kid must be a true “babe” as my friend Johnny would say. (Not as in hot, but as in baby.) (My friend Johnny is a bluegrass banjo player.)

  72. I was totally going to buy the “hard liquor and a hammer” shirt for a friend, because it should be her motto… But then I remembered that she’s pregnant and it gave the shirt a horrible and hilarious double meaning.

  73. Go to Popcap and play their hidden adventure games. Or Big Fish. All of them can be played for an hour to decide whether you like them or not. 😀

  74. My neurologist or maybe the psychologist said to play my kids’ games becasue anything would help with short term memory. (I don’t remember asking baout short term memory problems…)
    There has to be a huge market for games that aren’t violent. We should develop one where we point a needle at the enemy and they become stuffed.

  76. I’ve decided that I don’t like discussing birth years. Nope, not fun. Also, the sponsor, the pad for women who leak? I had a runner friend tell me that it isn’t a good run if you don’t be, which is bullshit. Ok, actually it’s pee, piss, whatever. That said, hot liquid running down your leg and soaking your sock and eventually flicking off of your legs on to the legs of strangers is NOT ok. JustGoGirl and get some, because if you run after the vaginal births, you’ll just go girl(s).

  77. Someone already mentioned Grim Fandango and Monkey Island, but they’re my favorite puzzle/adventure games, so they get an additional vote for me. They’re less meditative and more goofy, though, so they may not be your style. But the quirky sense of humor might be right up your alley.

    And here’s a completely unsolicited recommendation for the Katamari games. No shooting. You push a little ball around that sticks to things smaller than itself, which makes it bigger, which enables it to roll up bigger things. It’s Japanese and hyper-colored and kind of ridiculous, but it’s much more fun than than my description makes it sound, and it’s funny and addictive and makes you happy and unstressed. And if you’ve played too much, it makes you want to run mailboxes and trashcans and people over with your car, so be careful.

  78. Agree with the iPad recommendations…the Room 1&2 are fantastic!. I’d also suggest Forever Lost. Addictive!!

  79. Hubby bought me your 2014 calendar and it is now displayed prominantly in my dining room. Because everyone needs taxidermied animals and cuss words to help with their digestion.

  80. i loved myst. i am always looking for something like that, so i was glad to read the comments and see some recommendations. and i’m thrilled that they’re coming out with a new game. i just could never get into any other type of game. i don’t like shooting things. i couldn’t even play harry potter.

  81. Well, wow! Hello. This is Tina Rowley, reporting for friend duty. Merciful heavens! I checked my blog stats this morning – which I only do when I feel like I need practice counting up to seven or whatever – and I thought, “Well, that can’t be right. That’s not how many people are coming to see me on a Sunday or ALL YEAR.” And it was YOU. You did it. You’re a good friend already, Jenny! I’m standing by to water your plants/braid your hair/make you a lasagna in times of trouble. You’re the loveliest!

  82. I had to check to see where you were traveling for winter fun. I’dhhoped your destination was Colorado. Oh well. Its 65 degrees today and a lot more like spring! Have fun in Winnepeg.! Brrrrrrr

  83. Jenny,
    Don’t be disheartened by that cheese-eating high school boy..
    You’re not old, you’ve just been alive for a really, really long time…

    Yeah, I suck.
    Take it easy, my Bloggess.
    The Hook.

  84. The Bill Murray and Gilda Radner piece reminds me of the Todd and Lisa skits they did on SNL, especially the one in which Dan Akroyd played a plumber.

  85. Professor Layton makes me sick. Sicker, I mean. He looks at you in such a superior way… As if he were The Pope or something.

  86. Surely someone born in the 90’s wouldn’t actually be old enough to be talking, let alone actually working in a store? Seriously, now! The 90’s were just a couple of years ago, so they must about about two!

  87. Go to bigfishgames.com Mystery Case Files: Dire Grove or Drawn are good to start with – try the free trial before buying. But be warned, you can get addicted to these games.

  89. I love this, and feel just like it often… now of course it’s all buy it online and download it and pray nothing screws up between you and them… I think I’m going to go back to board games.

  92. I still have my copy of Myst. I can’t bring myself to let it go. I prefer the puzzle games, the shoot ’em up games so boring. I’ve scribbled down all these recommendations people are making because, clearly, the infant store clerks can’t help me.

  93. Mystery Case Files from Big Fish Games is a good puzzle solving game.. they get better each new one that comes out, used to love Myst and Riven

  94. Portal 1 & 2 (most platforms) and the Room (ipad) are good alternatives. The guys who made myst are actually working on a new game at the moment – they’ve (quite rightly) said that the time is right again, and that there is currently a gap in the market for a non violent yet immersive video game!

    Failing that – Paper Mario Sticker Star on the 3DS is deceptively complex and puzzley and the rpg style battle system is easy of us for those of us who feel sick when sniping in COD. I quite enjoy final fantasy tactics too!

    PS your comment system is asking me to login…

  95. Have you played The Swapper? It’s a puzzle game available on Steam with a cool mechanic – you can create copies of yourself and swap into them provided you have line of sight. Those copies walk when you walk and you use them creatively to solve the puzzles.

  96. Yea. I just learned that I’m old enough now to actually own things I can sell as valuable collectables. Yes, it’s Pokemon cards. Yes, I bought the first editions in the ’90’s. But I never really thought I’d be at the point where other people would buy them from me other than for 25 cents at a yard sale.

  97. Puzzle Agent is fun (I got it on Steam.) Also all the Professor Layton games are good. Stanley Parable is pretty much all exploring.

  99. Myst! I forgot about that one, and 7th Guest! We’d play those for hours. . . And Carmen Sandiego!

    Ah, the 90s. . .

  100. Ooh, Myst! I second the Portal nominations, that’s an awesome game (you can play it alone or with two people, which is cool). Recently I bought on a whim and liked “The Inner World” (any game that lets you play the nose flute is AOK in my book). Also, I think you might like to OBJECT to things with Phoenix Wright (by CAPCOM. Best enjoyed on a Nintendo, the iPad version is not as user-friendly). If you get that, start with game 1 and stay away from the collaboration game with Professor Layton…a good idea in principle, in execution though not their best effort.

  101. holy fucking cats. how do you work in a video game store and not know what myst is? it’s like, i know you may not have been alive, kid, but it’s MYST. don’t video game nerds usually work in video game stores?

    next thing you know, these video game store twerps are going to say they’ve never heard of nba jam or mortal kombat. douchecanoes.

    i loved professor layton on nintendo ds. kingdom hearts was kind of like that too. if you have a ds i always liked harvest moon. it’s basically farming, but on a small handheld device. i liked to wash my cows and shear my sheep.

  102. Horrible observation: When we go back for reunions on our college campus, the kids there are having “90s parties” in the same way we had “70s parties.” Seriously. We wore silly, groovy, polyester striped costumes while doing keg stands; and the very outfits we wore to class the next day are now the costumes for today’s students.

    I hope some adorable 19-year-old is rocking my old oversize rugby shirt and high-waisted jeans at a party this weekend…

  103. In was going to come to recommend portal, but I am waaaaaaay too late, but may I suggest the Lego games? He are a little more actions, but also very puzzle solving, and the Harry potter series and Star Wars series are very good.

  104. You should try Portal 1and Portal 2. It’s kind of a post-apocalyptic world scenario where robots have taken over the world and are running experiments on humans. Portal 1 is single player and you are the only human to survive their testing and you have to get through their test facility by solving puzzles. Portal 2 is the same but there is also a multi-player option on this one and in the multi-player option you are both androids again having to solve puzzles to get through the facility.

  105. Wow…I guess I should have read the comments first. Portal has already been suggested, but that just goes to show that it really is a great game and you HAVE to try it.

  106. I never heard of Myst, unless you are talking Sierra Mist, which I don’t think that existed in the 90’s did it? Anyway, talk about old people, I stopped really playing video games with Mario 3. I can remember when Nintendo first came out. My friend had an Atari and she didn’t share much, so when my dad picked up a Nintendo, something my Atari friend never really had, I was happier than the mice at the cheese factory. That poor clerk probably never got to save the Princess who was in another castle 7 times, and without Duck Hunt experience, he’s probably useless in a zombie apocalypse.

  108. You feel old? I remember Sputnik.
    I can recommend The Longest Journey, Imaginarium, The Bridge and the full set of Myst is available if you want to replay them. So there is no excuse for a kid in a video game store being unaware of it.

  109. Once I was standing in line at Gamestop behind a boy who was probably about nine and his little brother who was probably about six. They were trading in some games to get new ones and so we were chatting. I was telling the older boy about my first video game systems, Super Nintendo and Gameboy, when the little brother pipes up with “What’s a Gameboy?” The older boy looked at him and said,”That was the first version of the DS stupid.” Immediately I felt super old.

  110. I loved Myst, and Riven! Definitely my kind of game. Have you read the 3 books that the games tie-in to? (In a less crappy way than Star Trek or D&D books). Gives a lot of backstory to the characters and worlds in the games. I might have liked them even better than the games, and I liked the games better after having read the books.

  111. Try Portal, Journey, Flower, Ico, Shadow of the Colossus or Thomas was Alone maybe! Journey/Flower/Ico have the same sorta zen thing going on that Myst/Riven did, Portal/Shadow of the Colossus are more active, SotC has battles of a sort but they’re more puzzles than fights, and Thomas was Alone is cute and humourous.

  113. I never played Myst, but I had plenty of friends who did. I can completely understand how that makes you want to kill people. Or at least slap them really hard. If I hear one more person disparage something from my childhood, I will more than likely snap and hurt someone. Won’t take much. Seriously.

  114. Myst!!! Loved that game; spent many a long night at my friend’s house staying up til 4 am playing Myst. Thanks for the throw back 🙂 I had my ‘I feel old moment’ when I was working with a youth group and realized not a single one of them was live during the Columbine shooting. Yeah.

  115. Riven is a good one, as it is the sequel to Myst. I second the motion for you playing Portal also; I really want to read your blogging about Portal. Or Riven for that matter.

    Also, how did we let the world get to the point where people born in the 90s can rent you games?

  116. I had a similar experience when I asked someone at a music store if they had any CD’s by the Northern Pikes (1980’s). The guy (tadpole?) said that he’d never heard of them so they must not exist…

  117. Really blow his tiny little mind next time and ask for Zork or Sorceror’s Apprentice. That’ll fix ’em.

  118. ha! Jennifer is a party pooper is one of my favorite things of all time. I’ve made my kids all watch it, I’ve tortured hubby with it, I’ve referenced it to no end, I’ve pinned it, blogged about it. it’s quite ridiculous how much it makes me laugh. AND I just watched it again and I still laughed. and thanks for explaining the whole connection between gaming and violence. totally makes sense. and following your logic I see connections between violence and many other things now too.

  119. First time I’ve commented on any of your blogs; but I had to throw this story out there.

    A few years ago (before the store went bankrupt) my boyfriend and I went to Blockbuster video. We were in the mood to purchase a DVD and Blockbuster had a better selection of back catalog movies than Target or Walmart. We decide on, no judging here, Robin Hood; Prince of Thieves (yes…the Kevin Costner one).

    We took it up to the counter to pay and the clerk, without any sarcasm or irony, holds up the box and exclaims VERY loudly, “Oh…this is my favorite old movie!”

    blink blink

  120. Yay! I’m so excited that you will be in my city (Winnipeg). Also a little horrified for you because it’s bloody cold here. Be sure to bring a scarf to completely wrap your face in when you step outside and warm gloves.

  121. He wasn’t born yet? So… he’s twenty? Anyway, that’s ridiculous. I wasn’t born when The Godfather came out, but I know about that. And Myst is The Godfather of games. (In that it was hugely successful, hugely influential, and I personally do not understand the appeal and find it long and tedious.) But still! An important thing to know about and experience.

  122. I’m so old, I didn’t even know that they released Myst as a video game…

    Okay, that’s only half-true. I’m 25, but I was really confused through most of this post until I looked at Myst’s Wikipedia page, because I could swear I played it on a desktop PC.

  123. The forecast high for Winnipeg on Saturday is 3F. With the windchill that’s -12F. So that’ something to look forward to. On the other hand, it might snow.

  124. Jenny, I love you. Not only are the 57 books some my favorites, too, but I totally love llamas. So, because you post my favorite stuff, I MUST love you. Not in a creepy stalkery way, but in a totally enamored, lovey way.

  125. According to the reddit “Idiots Fighting Things” the “last one” gif is hooligans in Solna, outside of Råsunda Stadium when the soccer team AIK was playing. Although the other explanation posted – it was a disguised Dalek – seems far more plausible to me.

  126. You may need to find an emulator as it is Pre-Myst however for puzzle games Leisure suit larry in the land of the lounge lizards is pretty awesome and would fit your sense of humour. likewise for the spacequest, kingsquest, and policequest series’. for modern games I 2nd the Portals.

  128. Play Professor Layton! You wander around solving all sorts of logic and word puzzles, all to further your investigation of a big mystery. They’re pretty awesome. Also, they released Myst for the DS, but I’ve heard the gameplay isn’t ideal.

  129. I don’t know if teeny-bopper helped you find anything, but you might try Portal. It’s about the only game I like (since my requirements are no killing and must use my brain). I think you’d like it.

  130. Okay… so I can’t say I’m familiar Myst (although I have heard of it), but he has to know of some games from the 90s. At the very least every gamer should know what Final Fantasy VII is.

  131. I was actually homesick for Myst and Riven when I’d finished playing them. Several people have mentioned the “Steam” website for other games… but they also have all the Myst games! Myst, Riven, Exile, Uru… the works! Also – the soundtracks from Myst, Riven, and Exile are available on CD – I listen to them often, and it brings me right back to that world.

  132. Portal is definitely a great choice, as is Portal 2. The only thing you’re “shooting” are “portals” to lead you from one place to another, and you have to figure out the best placement of those portals to accomplish the tasks in each room. It’s amazing AND tons of fun.

    As for this clerk…um…does he know when he was born? Because you have to be 18 to work at most Gamestop stores (if I’m mistaken, I know it wouldn’t be younger than 16), which means that if he was born in 2000, he’d only be, at best, 14…probably 13, at this point, unless born in early to mid-January.

    I’m with you. I’m a gamer, I think this sort of thing would make me violent.

  133. Yeah. I remember how disorienting it was when doctors started looking younger than me. Now doctors look like my children.

    Portal and Portal 2 are awesome, and have theme songs by Jonathan Coulton, which in itself is worth the price. Also GlaDOS is the greatest villain ever.

  135. Another Fine Mess, http://www.raydunakin.com/Site/Games.html
    Oh, how I loved that game. Not pretty like Myst, but funny, addictive, and appropriate for all ages. Lots of problem solving. No killing. My son, five at the time, taught himself to type playing that game. I often found myself propping my eyelids open with my fingers at 3 AM, just to find out what was around the next corner.

    The first quest I completed: You find yourself in the middle of a dark plain. In the distance, you can see the ruins of a castle. When you make your way there, a fairy queen begs for your help. It seems that all the fairies are flying to a light in a distant tower, and they never return. So you go to the tower to investigate. You try using all the items at your disposal, but nothing works. You move on through the world, accumulating objects and information as you go. When you find yourself near the tower again, you have another try. Success! Those magic squash seeds grew fast and strong–now you can scale the tower. Where you find a bug zapper. You unplug it, fulfilling your first quest.

    You run into all sorts of interesting characters, like Binky the Devil Dog (a small mean chihuahua). You learn to talk to anything that has a mouth. They tell you things you will be glad to know. Open anything that can be opened, look under anything that can be looked under, dig anywhere you pause. You’ll often find useful loot.

    Oh, I miss that game. I’ve got a Mac again, but it’s too new. I can’t download it.

  136. Wow. That would make me feel a little bit stabby as well. That sneaky little twit just called you old without actually having to say it, which – now that I think about it – is really quite genius. He/she should be brought to the center of town and stoned to death. Because that’s what we did with traitors when we had dinosaurs for pets and you had to get up to change the channel on the television.

  137. I thoroughly sympathize with being a party pooper. I’ve had it just about up to here with my company, and after repeated threats that Loss Prevention will call me down for possessing and using a cellphone (for such nefarious purposes as checking employees’ schedules, texting the boss with information she needs, taking pictures of broken facililties, etc), I’m ready to explain why this supervisor needs one, especially when this supervisor is the only manager-on-duty. And if they don’t understand, I can always just shit on their desk and let them play with it. It will be just about their speed.

    I should take that back. It will be a little advanced for them. But I have confidence that they’ll rise to the occasion.

  139. I am here to echo all the people saying Portal, but I also want to add Katamari Damacy, because it is the best game ever.

  140. Video games you might like if you liked Myst:

    Lilly Looking Through – A puzzle game about a little girl trying to save her brother with time-traveling goggles. Marvelous good fun, although some of the puzzles were tricky.
    http://store.steampowered.com/app/250030/?snr=1_7_15__13

    Botanicula – A puzzle game where you’re bits of forest stuff trying to plant a tree. The peppy music in this one alone is worth it.
    http://store.steampowered.com/app/207690/

    Also, you should know the guys who made Myst are making a new game, Obduction. It’s not coming out for a while, though 🙁
    http://obductiongame.com/

  141. I just had the same conversation with a man that from down the street. He lives in video games (well, in a house, actually, but that’s just to keep the snow off the games) and he’d never heard of Myst.

  142. I wanted to buy many things from your Zazzle store, but it seems that living in the great buried under a fuck-tonne of snow Canada means that I have to pay more for shipping than I did for the items (and that’s before duty). Which makes me sad.

    I don’t just want the things, but I need them. Grocery shopping in the ‘Feeling Stabby’ shirt; writing down the medical history of a whiny patient in the ‘Be nice (or I’ll stab you)’ notebook will keep them in line; the poison magnet on the outside of my fridge at work might just stop the burrito thief; and the ‘Nothing hard liquor & a hammer can’t fix’ shirt was going to be a retirement gift for my friend…fine, I don’t NEED them. But I want them. I guess I’ll have to start saving for the shipping costs.

    Whine over. (Sometimes a girl just needs to vent. Thanks)

  143. So… be careful. Hips are important.

    The only video game besides PONG that I remember was ToeJam and Earl. Did you call him a “young whippersnapper”?

  145. You felt OLD?? Pfft! I was racing motorcycles before you were born. (I think, I’m 53 and I started when I was 12). Everyone is falling out over the party pooper video, so thanks for that.
    My friend the construction worker says to be careful getting hammered around carpentry tools.

  146. The Longest Journey is amazing! Dreamfall is also quite good, but the controls aren’t awesome and sometimes you do have to flail for combat (I’m terrible at combat games and even I can make it through the few fights I recall in the game). I also really enjoyed Syberia and Syberia 2 and don’t recall any combat in either of those but it’s been a while.

    I really wanted to love Portal and Portal 2, but they make me motion sick after about 20 minutes of playing. So that could be a problem if your brain/eyes have the same issue. Drives me nuts because the writing in both games is great fun.

  148. Play “To the moon”. So good. Old style graphics, bad jokes and a really haunting storyline.

  149. There’s a casual game company called Big Fish Games that’s located here in Seattle. They specialize in making hidden object and puzzle-type games. You might like some of those. 🙂

  150. My only child turned 18 yesterday. A legal adult. She leaves for college in just a few months. I can’t believe she’s grown up aleady.

  152. TellTale is my favorite company for adventure gaming. (I’m a huge fan of the Monkey Island series, originally by Lucas Arts – and those ones are fantastic, then the latest edition was made by TellTale. It’s fun). But if you REALLY want an AMAZING adventure game (with violence, but no point and shoot stuff) then you need to check out The Living Dead by TellTale – it’s adventure gaming meets zombies. You seem to like zombies. ~Catherine

  153. You should try Bureaucracy or The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, if you can handle the no-graphics thing. Portal’s good too, of course.

  154. I’m so upset, you’re going to be in my city, (Winnipeg) but I’m not able to get to the conference you’re speaking at! Are you doing any bookstore things while you’re here?

    (I don’t think so, but if anything comes up I’ll let you know. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  156. I want to play Myst now. I’m not too young to remember it, I was just never much into games. But that sounds awesome.

  157. Nothing like Myst but I have a feeling you’d enjoy Gone Home, a beautiful coming of age game. If you are looking for quality puzzle games specifically, try Botanicula, Machinarium, Portal, Fez, The Swapper or Thomas Was Alone.

    If you want something to play with Hailey, try Scribblenauts Unlimited, a very fun, creative and child-friendly puzzle game.

    Those I know from the top of my head. You can all buy them pretty cheap online. If you buy something via humblebundle.com you even support charity. Sorry, video game journalist here. I get rather wordy when it comes to games, especially if people who are not deep into gaming reach out (or in your case, mention them in passing) for (non-violent) games to play.

    Oh and the makers of Myst are working on another game called Obduction. Shame on the video game store guy for now knowing!

  158. He’s NEVER heard of MYST?!?!?! But…. It’s such a fantastic game series! Have you played all of them? 1-4 were pretty good, 5 was alright.

  161. I loved Myst. Monkey Island is fun. An old school computer game that I feel has held up over time is the Kyrandia trilogy. Who doesn’t love fish cream sandwiches?

  162. You should have done a Hold BL, Up, Up (1/2 screen), ala Scorpion, circe Mortal Combat.

    Yes, I am ashamed of myself for knowing that.

  165. I loved Myst! I would also recommend Botanicula, as several others have mentioned, The Longest Journey, Dreamfall, Syberia and Syberia II, Violett, and the Book of Unwritten Tales (if you want a bit of humor with your puzzles).

  168. After seeing that llama, I really hope you know about fainting goats. Either way, youtube that shit and it will give you a smile. Silly fainting goats.

  170. If we’re moving into the topic of “good point-and-click adventure games that have come out within the past decade”, I’m personally a fan of Primordia, Telltale Games has been mentioned already; the Sam and Max series is good comedy, as is Tales of Monkey Island (although I’d recommend picking up the special edition remakes of the original Monkey Island 1 and 2 first if you haven’t played those already).

    And The Stanley Parable has been mentioned a few times already, but I’m going to do so too. It is a very…unique experience

  171. Hailey and I play tons of Big Fish games together all the time and we love them, but I’ve added a ton of games to my list now. YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST.

  172. Have you tried Braid? It’s beautiful and lovely and there’s no killing.

  174. These have probably been mentioned already, but I’m really digging Professor Layton on the DS (or 3DS)- very cute and quirky and makes you go slightly insane only if you’re a completionist like me. If you get totally stuck on a puzzle (it happens to my supergenius astrophysicist doctoral candidate baby bro sometimes, so don’t feel bad) there are answers online, and all the games are casual enough to play a few puzzles and then put down, but engrossing enough that you can spend an entire day playing (I think).

    The Longest Journey series and Syberia are a bit old but they have newer iterations and are so pretty. Very beautiful, involving, Myst-like games and they’re all point and click adventures (I get anxious with timed reaction things, even Portal). I played the Myst games with my Da when I was a small child and the Longest Journey and Syberia (both are pc games) with my stepdad as a preteen. We still pick up the new ones though I am “Grown Up”. Longest Journey shuttles you between a slightly futuristic (but not gross and gritty) city and an awesome LotR High Fantasy styled world but with less slaying, more puzzles. Syberia has this amazing steampunk-automata vibe to it. And also wooly mammoths. Robots. And wooly mammoths.

  175. Well, please hug yourself and know that you are a very good valuable person to the people who love you.

    I have loved dogs and lost them. Rottweilers and Great Danes – I now have two year-old Rottweiler puppies who were given to my husband on the sidewalk outside of our vets when they were only three weeks old.

    They survived (bottle feeding) and have thrived.

    I think that life is always, if you will, a process of keeping going forward.

    Cheers, Gypsy Jan

  176. I’m surprised that nobody has suggested Angry Birds yet. And although I am old enough know of Myst, I never played it. So, if you feel the need to stab me over that, you may commence.

  177. Comedy fans would do well to add another title to that list: “Furious Cool: Richard Pryor and the World That Made Him” by David and Joe Henry. Actually, it should probably be required reading.

  178. When I was a young man, we played bridge and canasta and, some daring nights, (real) poker, not TH’EM. In my late thirties, law firms had word processing departments . At least we had copiers, unlike the senior partner’s secretary who could remember using carbon paper to type 30 counterparts of long mortgage documents. My children are gamers and I am amused by “Whatcha Playing, Ash?” but I can’t get into the games, myself.
    I love your blog and find the weirdness very comforting. As someone who has suffered from depression for over 50 years and RA for 12, I admire your determination to keep on keeping on.

  179. Oh nonononono, Winnipeg is not the place to first experience winter. You’ll be cursing my dear country after the first day.

    To prepare for your trip you should download The Weakerthans “One Great City!”, their ode to Winnipeg (their hometown). And despite the fact that the chorus says “I hate Winnipeg” they actually like it. Actually, you should download everything by The Weakerthans. They have the greatest (only?) song about curling ever written (“Tournament of Hearts”). Oh! And “Plea From a Cat Named Virtute”, it’s a song about a person going through depression as seen through the eyes of her/his cat! But the follow-up song, “Virtute the Cat Explains Her Departure” is too sad for words. I literally can’t listen to it.

  180. Woohoo! You’re coming to Winnipeg, now I have to see if I can get to this thing to see you!! 🙂
    Is it too weird to show up and bring you baked goodies??

  181. HOLD THE PHONE.
    (Or hold your laptop. Hold a cat. Hold your own breasts kind of up like you’re offering someone a couple of muffins, whatevs.)

    I just got through the links you posted. The Golden Globes recap by Gallivanting Monkey? DIVINE. Every word. Start to finish. Honestly, I used to think I did pretty good fashion reports. I did. Real talk: I had a little bit of pride about it, I gotta admit. Seriously, I just did one a couple weeks ago about winter fashions, and I was feeling good about it. But not anymore. Nothing could top that GG update. Ever.

    When you find her and make her be your friend, see if she’ll be mine, too. -MLP

  182. Okay, you should play the Her Interactive Nancy Drew games. They’re hilarious and nerdy and have great stories and you wander around haunted houses/castles/Europe/ski lodges/boarding schools and “meet” interesting characters who may or may not be the murderer/thief/embezzler/fake ghost. I…am an adult woman who pre-orders them every time they come out.

  183. The OldLoves Tumblr post did make me sniffle. But, thank you for sharing. I miss Gilda – taken from us too soon.

  184. Myst was re-released for the 3DS if you have one. I’m pretty sure it’s under $20 on Amazon? (I was born in 93 and I know Myst)

  186. I mainly showed up to make sure somebody recommended “Gone Home” to you. They did, so I’ll reinforce it. Please play Gone Home. It’s made of 90’s nostalgia and love.

  187. Pokemon Pearl ate my life. If you have a Nintendo DS they are about three releases past that now, the latest just came out for the 3DS. You find your way around an increasingly challenging landscape, have Pokemon battles, including the occasional gym leader battle, and collect Pokemon along the way. It’s difficult enough to be challenging but not so much so as to frustrate the hell out of you, has a storyline to go along with it (you’re generally saving the world from some evil dude who is planning to take it over, but you don’t do so by killing him) and has various side quests you can mess around with. It gives you hours of play, and even if Pokemon is a kids show, the games are consistently high quality and entertaining. They will eat your life for hours even if you are an adult.

  189. I vaguely recall my friend having that game. I didn’t own it, so I didn’t play it. Ever.

    What I was completely obsessed with, though, was The 7th Guest. It was so good … and so scary (well, maybe not, but I was young and it was a pretty damn scary puzzle game. I just googled it and turns out it was one of the first games on CD-Rom. Or something like that. I stopped reading because it made me feel old. Sigh).

  191. I’m going to add my voice to the people saying “Gone Home”. I’m obsessed with it and Steam means you don’t have to leave the house to get it!

  192. You might try ‘Portal’ and ‘Portal 2’. They have some action, but no killing, and the puzzles are sometimes quite intense.

    And I think you’ll like the sarcastic dark humor that invades almost every moment.

  193. wow…so. Several comments caught my attention, but this is my favorite “Pokemon Pearl ate my life” Sad but true. Those damn Pokemon take for fucking ever to train and be worth something! LOL

    Beautiful iPad game I didn’t see mentioned is LostWinds 2 Winter of the Melodias by Frontier.

    There is also a new XBox game coming out this year that sounded great with each character in the game having a similar but different adventure due to their specific set of skills etc. Sadly, I can’t for the life of me remember the name of this forthcoming awesomeness but you can probably find it based on that simple description. And of course I’ll throw it up here if and when the name comes to me.

    And as to Skyrim….it is REALLY violent, but so much fun because you are wielding hand weapons and using magic and going through caves and finding treasure and amassing wealth and…like another funny one said “you can be a human sized cat” or a lizard I might add.

    Ask and you shall receive, your fans adore you.

    xo,
    Alyssa

  194. I’m gonna throw another vote in for Journey (also their other games, Flow and Flower- but beware of Flower if you have vertigo).

    Stunning visuals, beautiful music, and the “multiplayer” moments are sublime (no talking, no names, just another explorer on sharing a portion of the time with you).

  195. We are nearly 200 comments in and none of you have mentioned The Witness, so I guess it falls to me. Basically it’s Myst, in 2014, with a beautiful island and puzzles, but instead of the insane troll logic of Myst, each puzzle builds on the logic of the previous one. It will come out later this year for PS4 and PC and I am comfortable recommending it now because the guy who is making it is a friggin’ genius. Here is Sony’s trailer for it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Brd0F7rlXCI

    For those recommending adventure games like Broken Age, Nancy Drew and The Longest Journey, Wadjet Eye’s games are very good games in that mould. Resonance, Gemini Rue and The Shivah (the first and possibly game where you play as a rabbi) are particularly good.

    I’d strongly recommend Gone Home, Dear Esther, and Professor Layton. I’d also recommend Portal and/or Portal 2 with the caveat that it’s a first-person game where you use the mouse to look and the keyboard to move, and I know that some people never quite get the knack of those. The majority of the other games here are games I quite like, but I’m not sure I’d recommend them without knowing more about your tastes.

  196. OH EM GEE Myst was where it was AT. And for the record, I was just barely pre-90s (1988) and I have vivid memories of playing it for hours. Clearly, that kid was simply as lame as they come.

  199. I suggest either Limbo or World of Goo for hours of hair pull…errr…entertainment.

  200. A note to my note….The Cave is the game I couldn’t recall…tough name, right? Lol

  201. As an avid gamer (1200+ games on my Steam account…), I’m very happy to see that “The Room” (iPod or Android) has already been suggested. 🙂

  202. I forgot all about Myst and how much I loved that game! Thanks for the reminder… and thanks for having me look it up on the internet only to realize there is a version for the iPad. Awesome. Another time-sucker. Just what I need.

  203. Flula is my new favorite. I’m going to use one of his videos when I teach my Psychology class about language development. Too funny.

  204. The Room is an app for iPad and iPhone that my husband and boys play and is very much like Myst. Fun!

  205. Ooh, I loved Myst! I realize I’m very late on this, but I’m twentieth-ing the suggestion for Portal and Portal 2. They aren’t completely nonviolent – you don’t kill anything, but things do try to kill you – but the violence is mild enough that I’m comfortable with my 7-year-old playing them. The puzzles are immense fun, and the storyline and characters are awesome (and I agree with what someone else said above, I’m pretty sure you’d adore GLaDOS. She’s snarky perfection.) And an added bonus: both the protagonist and main antagonist are badass women, with not a single chainmail bikini in sight!

  206. This brings back memories. I remember my husband annoying us all and solving myst, exile and (what was the other one called) in hours after I spent weeks trying to solve them. It is all that the entire family did for about two months. I am definitey going to get portal. I can’t do all that jumping and shooting (no co-ordination) I much prefer puzzles.

  207. Zelda: Princess of Twilight. I’m re-playing it right now, and it is epic and geeky and escapist and awesome.

  210. I’m sure a million people have already said this but both Portal games would fit your needs perfectly. Also, check out the two Syberia adventure games; they’re all about puzzles and I don’t remember having to ever shoot someone.

  211. MYST! I loved Myst. My college boyfriend and I used to play it on Friday nights while we drank beer. So much better than drinking beer at a party with frat boys.

  213. That looks like an alpaca and the thing it’s doing is called pronking, who doesn’t love a good pronk?

  215. Not really puzzley, but definitely explorey – try Gone Home. I think you’d like it.

  216. Give the Nancy Drew games a try if you haven’t already. They’re non-violent puzzle, adventure, mystery games that are actually incredibly well made for a series that one might initially want to write off as being designed exclusively for young girls as a consequence of the title character. And I say this as an adult male!

    A good chunk of the series is available to buy on Steam as a good place to start.

  217. Machinarium!! Play Machinarium. I think you will heart it. Also The Room (original). I like the Monkey Island games (the originals, not “Tales”) too but they are a sub genre of nerdy/goofy – since Idk you they may or may not appeal to you but lotsa puzzles etc.

  218. Wait, what? Someone born after the mid 90s is legal to have a job now? I feel so old now I can’t even handle it. If you’ll excuse me it’s apparently 5 1/2 hours past my 4 o’clock bedtime and I need to be up early for my prune juice so I can go yell at kids to stay off my lawn and that they should go find Myst and play it.

    Oh and I saw someone suggested Portal and Portal 2… I’m not done with the first so can’t speak for the second one but it’s so much fun and awesome. Definitely recommend.

  219. Stacking, The Cave, Axel & Pixel, Costume Quest, Sam & Max Save the World, and any of the Lego games are good ones. I also like Discworld and Discworld Two, but they are older and on PS2

  220. Device 6
    The year walk
    Machinarium
    World of Goo
    Katamari and all katamari games
    Thanaks to the person who mentioned the neverhood. I feel like I was the only one who loved it.

  222. I saw Dear Esther on the Humble Bundle Weekly Sale this week and thought of you – it is kind of Myst-esque. I’m obsessed with Fez at the moment – really fun, you don’t kill anything, and you can’t die – totally up my alley.

  223. According to Wikipedia, realMyst: Masterpiece Edition was released on 2/5/14. Forget finding another video game; you could play NEW MYST.

    (Also, I agree that you would love katamari.)

  224. You need Tiny Bang Story! It’s totally awesome, with cool graphics, nothing violent, just interesting and explorative and just challenging enough! I don’t know or care if explorative is a word that can be applied to things other than surgery.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading