You guys scare me. And amuse me. And then scare me again.

I was very sad recently when google stopped tracking search terms like they used to because I always loved seeing the utterly fucked-up things people were searching for that led them to this page.  Then last week I switched my blog over to WordPress and found out that they track and report my search terms.  And there was great joy in the land!  From me.  Because I found the rum Victor hid.  And also because I love looking at search terms.  I only have about 7 days worth of searches, but already it’s already gloriously confusing and I thought I’d share with you.  Because I’m generous.  And because you scare me.

Strangest things people searched for this week that led them to Thebloggess.com:

“missing snake”  (Well, that’s disconcerting on several levels.)

“why is my left buttcheek bigger than than the rights buttcheek?” (Huh.)

“why are people holding twine” (More importantly, why aren’t they?)

“don’t make me laugh i’ll puma pants cat picture”  (Found it.)

“boob mushroom”  (This one I actually understand.  You want this.)

“what is the best way to say ‘answer me, please’”  (I think you’ve answered your own question.)

“the bloggess topless”  (Wow.)

“why would someone tell me a shirt color looks good when i’m wearing it”  (Why are you asking this?  I have a headache now.)

“accidental lesbian”  (Oh, college.)

“get the fuck off my phone steve”  (Yeah, Steve.)

“what happened to lou diamond phillips”  (Last I heard, he was holding water.)

“pay someone to beat you up”  (Is this a sex thing?  If not, I’m worried.)

“where i am right now”  (You’re on the internet.)

“positive meaning of ‘he doesn’t look like a serial killer’” (Seems pretty positive to me.)

“what does it mean when you see you see your dead dog?”  (It means your dog is dead?)

“what will happen if you give a panda hamster rotten food”  (I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a panda hamster.  This blog has just become educational.)

“elderly miniskirt”  (Ew.)

“why are you not answering my call”  (More importantly, why are you looking this up on the internet?)

“sarcastic replies to ‘why didnt you answer my call’”  (I smell a love-match.  A bad one.)

“getting someone beaten up” (Huh.)

“how can you tell if someone is a troll”  (I can help with that.)

“people fucking in the bitch”  (English is not your first language, is it?)

“i dreamed unicorns coming out my fingernails”  (Live your dream.  Unless it’s that one.)

“put on deodorant fucker” (Blunt, but effective.)

“bloggess soup”  (Is this a soup made for me or made from me?  I feel like I should be worried.)

“real godzilla sightings”  (As opposed to fake godzilla sightings.)

“how can i make my friends happy just by taking”  (That’s not really how “friends” work.)

“veins in bananas after microwaving”  (What the shit?  Someone microwave a banana so I know what this means.)

“book with an immigrant and an armadillo”  (I’d read it.)

“how to make yourself look beat up”  (I’m seeing a trend.  A really weird one.)

“how to write I love you jenny properly” (Start by adding a comma.)

“i have a hair on my nose which seems to grow half an inch overnight- is this possible”  (Yes.)

“taxidermy monkeys for sale”  (Sorry.  Fresh out.)

“angry vagina” (Angry Vagina is the name of my Ted Nugent cover band.)

“how does it feel to get stabbed in the stomach”  (It feels like getting stabbed in the leg, but in your stomach.)

“why does my cat sit on lap when I’m peeing”  (Your cat’s a cat.)

“goat shoes”  (Goats don’t need shoes.  They come with their own.)

“make me turn into a cat”  (I think we’ve all been there, my friend.)

224 replies. read them below or add one

  1. The puma pants thing took me too long to get, and then made me laugh a lot.

  2. I think one of them is mine. I was looking for the boob mushroom post to show someone….clearly one of the best posts ever.

  3. “People fucking in the bitch” almost killed me.
    I was an exchange student in Spain in ’91 and wanting desperately to learn to speak like a native, I tried out a slang phrase.

    After basketball practice I tried to say to my host father “estoy hecho polvo,” which means I am made of dust, instead I said, “Voy a hechar un polvo” which means, “I’m off to have a dirty fuck.”

    We never quite recovered from that.

  4. Had I known the search terms that would end up leading readers to my site — and that I would then be made privy to those search terms — I’d have seriously reconsidered using the word “Daddy” in my blog title. shudder

    Daddy Scratches recently posted Fuck you, snow..

  5. OOHHH!!! How people find my blog is my favorite thing to see… and sometimes my saddest… but mostly my favorite.

  6. These are fantastic!

  7. I don’t suppose you’ve ever appeared on “The Soup?” No? But you’re totally accountable for people holding twine. And the sudden run on taxidermied monkeys. :)

  8. 8
    ocularnervosa

    I’m almost tempted to do a google search about mismatched butt cheeks but I’m afraid of what I would find.

  9. This is why I love your blog. Mid day stress relief and new search terms to try out (I won’t tell you which ones because I’d rather amuse than scare you). I will now have to go find out what a panda hamster is. Is it a panda that looks like a hamster or a hamster that looks like a panda?

  10. I, too have WordPress but my search terms are far more tame and have to deal with very mundane things. I’m seriously jealous.

    Kara recently posted A Hat Trick of Challenges.

  11. I think I would be most worried about the soup one. Ooh, I wonder I’d there has ever been a human soup making serial killer? Maybe I should pitch that to some forensics/crime show. But then I’d have to watch one of those shows…

  12. With these posts you create a paradox– now, searching them will REALLY get people to this site.

  13. Once, someone found my blog after searching “bloggess fart”. WTF, Google? Also, I’d really like more information about the butt cheek thing. For a friend.

    Julie You Jest recently posted Star tours of Bentonville.

  14. I just laughed so hard I peed…love it!

  15. I think “goat shoes” might be someone looking for shoes made FROM goats, as opposed to made FOR goats.

    sestasik recently posted The Story of the Little Sliver.

  16. Perhaps it is the miniskirt that is elderly.

  17. In my long and exhausting history of needing things, I have never needed anything, quite so badly, as I needed this post today. Thank you.

  18. The day someone found my blog by Googling “rotted boar head” was the day I knew I had become somebody ; )

  19. “I hate personality tests.” No really, that’s the search that brought someone to me today. But I DO hate them.

  20. I love these parentheticals. (But yes, the actual search results scare me. Or would, if it were my blog. As it is, I can just point and laugh.)

  21. I’ve found my People.

  22. You shouldn’t be disconcerted by the missing snake query, since you are the one who posted flyers about it on your community board!

  23. I adore looking at the search terms for my site, but then I almost always run away screaming. Some people are just sick. Others are totally disturbed, but in that fun way. :)

    elizabeth ann recently posted Little Piece of Heaven in Haven.

  24. Those are awesome and quite varied. I didn’t realize the “element” I’d be attracting when I named my blog (I’m a little naïve sometimes). All searches leading to my blog are of one basic ilk that can be illustrated by this one from last week: “eating out milfs anus”. These poor searchers must be sorely disappointed when they arrive at my completely NOT LIKE THAT blog!

  25. I heard on the radio this morning that that little piece of the banana at the end is called “satan’s anus” and for some reason that came to mind when I read about microwaving bananas. Who the hell microwaves bananas?

    Karen W recently posted Being less lazy, step 1: The Diet Coke Addiction.

  26. “accidental lesbian?” “angry vagina?” Those are great! Wish wordpress showed more of that shit to me. Most is “unknown search terms”

    Rhonda recently posted The Unsympathetic Douchebag.

  27. I have learned so much from this. I’m highly disturbed, but educated. It kind of gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. Or maybe that’s the wine…

  28. The site that hosts my blog let’s me know what websites referred viewers to my blog. Usually those sites are Facebook, Google and the sites of a couple of bloggers I follow (like you) and comment on. But last week, for some odd reason, I have two referrals from amazon.com. But not just any page of Amazon. No, it was the page for customer reviews for this particular item.

    http://www.amazon.com/Hog-Wild-Camo-Power-Popper/product-reviews/B002451YJ0/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?showViewpoints=1

    The 12-year-old boy part of me immediately thought “it linked to me because the page says ‘balls’ a lot.”

    Shelley J recently posted Spell check and proofreading can save your reputation.

  29. “Make me turn into a cat”

    That sounds like a good idea actually. Do you know how?

    The microwave banana is either a freak of fruit nature or a euphemism for something worse.

  30. This blog just became educational? I think we have different ideas of a top-notch education. You have been educating me since someone else said I should follow you. Like a religion only with a girl Jesus that isn’t dead.

  31. I got a “I got knocked up by my pants” once.

  32. Yeah, microwaved bananas do get what could be described as veins when you microwave them, both when the skin is left on and when it’s peeled. I left them in for 30 seconds ’cause I wasn’t sure how quickly the one with the skin on would explode and I didn’t feel like finding out. Seeing if they got veins was enough of a curiosity for one day. I wish my 28-year-old son hadn’t been in the kitchen at the time, though, because even though I’ve long been considered the crazy one in the family, (and I have the paperwork and meds to prove it), microwaving bananas seemed to make him a little more worried about me than usual.

  33. I think I would have got the puma pants thing quicker if I didn’t pronounce puma properly i.e. pew-ma rather than like this person poo-ma!

  34. Ha! My last blog post was this, exactly. People are freaks, and apparently I attract them.

    Eva recently posted Some of You Guys are Freaks.

  35. HAHAHAHAHAH! You always make me laugh. <3

  36. In my entire long and needy history of needing things, I have never, ever needed anything so badly as I needed this post today.

    Thank you.

  37. “i dreamed unicorns coming out my fingernails” God, why don’t I have dreams like other people?

  38. panda hamsters aren’t really a thing. some pet stores sell ‘panda bear hamsters’ which are really just syrian hamsters bred for specific coloring. similar to a panda bear. it’s stupid really.

    but your search terms are always the best. my highest ones are still related to the photos i posted of hogsmeade at universal studios and twizzler’s expiring.

    steph gas recently posted just keep swimming..

  39. I was told once that I had an angry cervix. Is that the same thing as an angry vagina?

    Amanda recently posted The Action Planner – Pages I like.

  40. Damn that Steve :P

  41. Most of my WordPress blog hits come from your site when I post here. Other search terms are pretty “normal” (by nerd standards):
    jasika nicole 60
    molly lewis 15
    brent spiner 15
    felicia day eccc 13
    felicia day 12
    jonathan frakes 10
    william shatner photo op 10
    zapp brannigan costume
    Oddest?
    who was bruce boxleitner’s date at the screening of bad kids go to hell

  42. Aaaahhhhhahahahahha! Will I NEVER learn not to read your blog at work??? So glad that I’m the only one on this end of the office, because I am laughing so hard I’m crying and snotting and generally making an idiot of myself! (I had not seen the boobie mushroom post, as I am fairly new here. O.M.G.) I now have to wipe my eyes, my nose, and my desk, and then figure out who all I need to send this post to.

    TheFakeGourmet recently posted Homemade Oreos — why didn’t I already know about this?.

  43. This blog has been educational as hell from the get-go.

    P.S. Anyone who is checking, (hat tip, NSA) I’ve been Googling stuff for my blog, not because I’m plotting anything and/or am a pervert. I swear.

    Steph recently posted Sit Down, Charlie Sheen, I’ll Take It From Here..

  44. “how to write I love you jenny properly” (Start by adding a comma.)

    Unlessssssssss…her name is Jenny Properly, in which case he/she answered his/her own question already.

    And, with all those search terms I’ve no idea why that one stuck out for me. I blame my inner grammar Nazi.

    awesomesauciness recently posted On the Awesomesauce of Magic.

  45. i require a boob mushroom postcard to send anonymously to a friend. It needs to say something snarky. He was kind of mean to me (very mean) and it sent me into an very deep depression last year that lasted for months. Sending anonymous snarky postcards is a for of passive aggressive retaliation that makes me feel better but doesn’t hurt anybody.

    Cassie recently posted lost amongst the willows.

  46. I have no words…I have only tears of laughter streaming down my cheeks and an odd scratchy sound coming from my throat from laughing so hard. Thank you for making my day. AGAIN.

  47. I had to go back and read the Lou Diamond Phillips water post, which was pretty amazing (and those otters are total assholes). Did you ever find a picture of Wil Wheaton collating paper? Because I’d like to see that.

    Also, uh, I may or may not have googled “the bloggess topless” after reading this post. I’m not entirely ashamed to admit that (only sort of). But really, I just like boobs. And mushrooms, actually. The boob mushroom is pretty much evidence that there is a God, in fact.

    (I do have a picture of Wil Wheaton collating, sent to my by Wil himself. It’s so important it’s in my header: http://thebloggess.com/heres-a-picture-of-wil-wheaton-collating-papers/ ~ Jenny)

    Annie recently posted Snowy Owl.

  48. Maybe it the greatest of all time (GOAT) shoes.

  49. If I wasn’t laughing so hard, I’d try and be clever

  50. The “real” Godzilla prefers not to be photographed. Ask fucking Bigfoot.

  51. “the bloggess topless”? Sounds like Victor has some competition!

    thespianlaura recently posted Sisters.

  52. My primary blog is a humor blog, so when my cat was dying, I started a second blog for all the serious posts about what she was going through. The search terms people use to get to that blog are incredibly sad.

  53. I truly want to know how you get such interesting search terms. The best one I got today: “control the face tongue and the body.” But it seems so tame next to yours!

  54. I was just forced to google “panda hamster”. I was disappointed in the results.

  55. This really makes me want to google random shit to see if I can find you. This little activity should make the “work” day go by faster.

  56. The Boob Mushroom was my very first Bloggess experience. Then I read about you and Wolf Blitzer going to the movies, and I was sold.

    maitriscraps recently posted New Product ~ Herbal Salve!.

  57. I laughed so hard I nearly snarfed! I had to reblog so others could experience the same!

  58. One day I hope to half as fucking awesome search terms as you.

  59. “get the fuck off my phone steve” cracked me up. Quit being an ass, Steve.

    Jess recently posted Girl Talk #4: Rebel, Rebel.

  60. Oh mercy, did I need that laugh! Thanks for the post. And the incentive to pay closer attention to my stats on WordPress!

  61. 61
    Julie ODonnell

    David Thorne is my favorite boy version of you. Or you are my favorite girl version of him. Or maybe he’s my favorite Australian version of you. Or something else totally different… anyway, you are the only two people on the internet who actually make me laugh consistently, until tears leak from my eyes, and my belly is sore, and people at work tell me to stop taking drugs… and i am deeply, deeply grateful to you both.

  62. I thank Michele for microwaving the banana and sadly I know the looks of those watching you knowing that maybe its best you don’t get left home alone. Okay, so I left the dog bone in the microwave too long, get over it already!

  63. I think the topless search and soup search are related– watch out! Someone is making you into virtual soup, and obviously had to remove clothes first. If you get a search for “Bloggess smell like cumin”, you’ll know I’m right.

  64. Okay. The ‘Banana Vein In The Microwave’ one got me. I thought “What the Shit?” at the exact moment I read your words. It was like stereo for my brain. And eyes. Is that a thing? Can someone now Google “Brain Eye Stereo” and come here?

  65. I LOVE these.

    Once someone got to my blog by searching ‘eat my ass fudge’

    people are fucked up.

    Michelle recently posted When Good Eyes Go Bad.

  66. I am so happy that you are on WordPress. Celebratory twine for everyone! And I am also squeeing because you know the lovely Aussa Lorens, which means one degree of separation between you and I, and only two between me and that wild-eyed deer you just posted about. SCORE!

  67. I suspect “Accidental lesbian” was a search for a story by the very funny Melinda Hill. So, if the person who searched that, finds this, that’s who you were probably looking for. When you were looking for that. Which you aren’t, probably, anymore. Never mind. But Melinda Hill is funny,

  68. 70
    SouthAfricanBokkie

    I think a lot of high people find your blog.

  69. I found you through a big, metal chicken.

  70. I was having the WORST day. Then I read your post. Love you THAT much Jenny!
    (WordPress is great, but why did it make my text fat all of a sudden?)

  71. 73
    Princess in my head

    During the 90′s I had a pair of goat skin pants. Well, actually, they were suede shorts, but they had a small cult following of people who referred to them as my “goat skinned pants”. Alcohol may or may not have been involved.

  72. My search terms are really boring. Maybe I am, too, though, because I’ve never googled any of the things listed here. Too funny.

  73. hey it’s better than naked boys… i don’t know wtf was up with that search and why the hell it ended up on my page!! I wonder how someone can turn themselves into a cat??? LOL We need those answers Jenny! ;)

  74. 76
    candyolivares

    Oh and WELCOME to WP!! :)

  75. “Getting someone beaten up.”
    Because you know people.

    Psychobabble recently posted Sleepless in Portland.

  76. Ok – I think I can answer this one: “put on deodorant fucker” is a reference to Fluffy Guy’s standup. A hilarious guy if you haven’t seen him yet. Which means you were interesting enough to distract someone from their search. ;) Take it as a win!

  77. This is some hysterical stuff – the unicorn one made me snort laugh!

  78. According to TV the buttcheek thing can happen when you have scoliosis. Its actually that they are misaligned so one looks bigger than the other.

  79. Five people came to my blog looking for Sasquatch. Three more and I get my own show on A&E. What kills me though is the twelve people who googled “squirrels with guns”.

    Sean Sandulak recently posted Get Your Free Ebook.

  80. Jenny….your book did have armadillos and immigrants.

    Also? Searches to my blog include “Big white ass”, “camo lingerie” and “bear dancing painting”.
    Only the last one makes any sense.
    http://psb1969.blogspot.com/

  81. Your responses are way better than the searches, which is hard to do. I mainly get people looking for “sleeping porn” on my blog. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS. I’d Google it to find out, but apparently, I would find my blog and that seems pointless since it’s sleeping porn-less.

    Rachel recently posted Questions #10.

  82. I think the thing with the bananas has to do with the brown streaks cooked bananas (or just really old bananas) get. I could be wrong though. Why would anyone microwave a banana? Heat certainly doesn’t enhance their flavor. Unless you’re talking about microwaving banana bread, and then I’m with you because all banana bread should be eaten warm.

  83. This just made my entire day. Nobody ever finds my blog via google so I just live vicariously through you :)

    Julie recently posted Top O' the Box!.

  84. OK, the zombie ants are terrifying.

  85. There is no end to the weirdness of people. It’s what makes our lives interesting.

    Jenny Williams recently posted My Issue With “Woman”.

  86. Goat shoes. This makes my life.

  87. 90
    Heather Greywolf

    The funny thing is that I completely GOT the “goat shoes” one, though the recent search wasn’t mine. I actually sent you the link to these shoes a year or two ago, because if ever someone designed a pair of heels with you in mind, it’s THIS person.

    http://www.break.com/pictures/goat-s-hoof-shoes-with-golden-revolver-heels-2015800

    Wait … now that I think about it … didn’t your sister send you this link too??

  88. Unfortunately, the only context I could come up with in which one might use the phrase “he doesn’t look like a serial killer”, was “I know, he doesn’t look like a serial killer, but believe me, he is!”

  89. You have to remember the “bitey” snake! That is the post that made me a forever fanatic of yours.

  90. Hilarious! I recently started tracking the search terms that lead people to my blog, too, and it’s highly entertaining.
    Recent ones include:
    “filthy hoaders”
    “international knocked up stories”
    and my favorite,
    “getting kicked in the balls with clogs”

    I write a blog about motherhood, mostly. I have NO IDEA why these terms would lead someone to my sight. It just slays me. :)

    Annie Reneau @ Motherhood and More recently posted My Racist Manifesto.

  91. 94
    Maggi Oswald

    I’ve never microwaved a banana, but microwaving Peeps is a lot of fun,

  92. I think I could spend all day reading the stuff that sends people to your blog. It’s like pintrest, only probably with fewer chocolate cake recipes and more strange fetishes.

  93. Just this week someone got to my blog via the query “unwillingly impregnated”. What the fuck?

    Adrasteia recently posted The girl in the mirror.

  94. Google Analytics is always good for a chuckle.

    Ashley F recently posted It’s the Little Things.

  95. that is just too much. love and love again.

  96. Wow. I have to say this made me laugh and very sad all at the same time. I feel alot of the people are illiterate, need medication and a ton of therapy. Probably a life. That would be super great. I hope you don’t get made into soup. Lock your doors.

  97. So, you know how bananas have a really small window of perfect edibility? Like, green, green, green, green, EAT RIGHT NOW, banana bread. Well, I put those banana bread bananas into the freezer until I’m ready to bake banana bread (which is about once every 3 years, so half my freezer is bananas). BUT you can’t make bread with frozen bananas, so I, yes, microwave 3 frozen bananas at a time for a batch of bread. And may I say, microwave-defrosted bananas are pitiful, just pitiful. And kinda gross and mucousy. Not to mention veiny. No wonder I don’t make banana bread more often. Even soggy old bananas can be traumatizing bastards, I tell ya.

  98. Wait….I can explain! Uh…..no I can’t. “Angry Vagina”– I can see searching that one, I verbally abuse my vagina all the time— I’m sure it’s angry. lol

    YourMotherIsADirtyGirl recently posted “I want to kick your puppy while I wear a banana-hammock”. Sexting is hard…..Tips for Dummies..

  99. Bahahaha “get the fuck off my phone Steve.” Some of these search terms are oddly specific, but totally hilarious! Great de-stressing break in the day :)

  100. You should give Google a proposition. Whenever someone searches something like the above, the first thing they see should say: “The Bloggess says, +insert witty remark here.+”

  101. There must be hundreds if not thousands of NSA wonks tearing apart every Bloggess-related Google search, looking for uber secret terrorist plots, but only finding cats, twine and vaginas. We hope Obamacare covers their PTSD.

    HogsAteMySister recently posted Rocket Biker.

  102. Obviously I’m being too conservative in my own searches.

    Anubis Bard recently posted Between the sea and Ninigret pond.

  103. See now, someone is clearly using your blog to secretly educate people on the correct way of stabbing and beating other people. Either that, or there are a bunch of posts on here that I have missed completely.

    I usually love my Google search section too, until the day I found out that someone had found me by typing in “Saggy tits mirror self pic”… that was the day I fell out with Google. Turns out she can be a right bitch.

    Plumsauce10 recently posted Wind Back Wednesdays: The memory I couldn't quite believe was actually true, on the account of it possibly being illegal..

  104. I get that many in a YEAR!!! You do have some interesting SEOs. I get a lot of searches for “boobs and buns” and “how to make a wish Linda.” I have no idea who this Linda is, but one of my blog posts has become a wishing well!

  105. I should have known better than to read this while answering my work phone. The elderly lady on the other end was very confused why I was laughing when I answered the phone.

  106. I’m laid up in bed today, with kids who I’ll be home for their 3rd snow day in a row, so this made my week!

  107. Just think…all of those searchers found you. Instant therapy.

    I suggest that you consolidate all of those search terms into a book, with the title: Prompts to Blast Through Writer’s Block

    Diane Holcomb recently posted This Ride Called Life.

  108. Goat shoes! Do you not remember these? I think Lisa sent you the.picture. Awesome in kind of a mythical mystical disturbing way.

  109. You could have such a better response to this one….
    “what does it mean when you see you see your dead dog?” (It means your dog is dead?)

    Like “It means your dog died, and someone was thoughtful enough to have it taxidermied for you. Now you have a forever-friend you can dress up in amazing themed costumes on a whim.”

    Or “Since you see you seeing your dead dog, then you’re looking at yourself in a mirror looking at your dead taxidermied pet.” :)

    You’re welcome. :)

  110. wait…why do they allow the cat on their lap? That’s the better question…Is this a new fetish? Pissing with a cat in your lap.

  111. These search terms are like the tarot cards of the Internet.

    Sandy the Fearless Scribe recently posted My feel-good movies.

  112. That reminds me, it’s Wednesday. Gotta write, especially since I missed Saturday. Now I gotta figure out what to write about.

    Maybe one day I’ll get enough hits that people accidentally find me, and then I can steal your idea…

  113. And now your results will be skewed for the next week with people searching for “boob mushroom”…

  114. “veins in bananas after microwaving”…I was doubled over in pain from laughing so hard at this one! I have never been more upset about not having bananas in the house!

  115. I’ve told so many people about your hilarious boob mushroom that now it comes up whenever someone mentions the word “mushroom” — which can be awkward for restaurant servers

    Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories) recently posted Ravenous Businessmen and the Lone Sushi.

  116. 120
    @shthisisme

    Hurrah! The return of the search term results!
    As awesome as unicorns are, if I dreamed of them coming out of my finger nails, I’d probably never close my eyes again.

  117. The only other armadillo book I can think of is called something like “My name is Sus5an (the 5 is silent)”. I don’t remember whether there were immigrants involved.

  118. “Put on deodorant, fucker” was enough to make me laugh so much I cried. Thank you.

  119. I bet Bloggess Soup tastes magnificent.
    (That sounded way less creepy in my head.)

  120. How exactly does one become an accidental lesbian anyway, Jenny?
    Does one slip in the steam room at the gym? Or during a Tupperware party? (Do ladies still have those?)
    Am I odd for using “one” so often?
    Am I out of questions?

    The Hook recently posted 5×5 With The Hook: Linda DeMeulemeester.

  121. You do have some fantastic readers Jenny! I like how their brains work (mostly. there does seem to be a line.)

  122. My search terms this week: “funny animal photos, yeah whatever, old woman ass, thongs on older ladies, how to draw a longhorn.”

    Now if someone wanted to see thongs on longhorns, then I’d be worried.

    TexasTrailerParkTrash recently posted Watch Out Village People—Here Comes Peacock Spider.

  123. Goats come with their own shoes… teehee I don’t know why, but that one really got me giggling…

    Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense recently posted On Loving My ADHD Son.

  124. I’m with blogger because I don’t have a Victor to internet for me, and my search terms that are strange are generally porno related, and I have a considerable amount of traffic being directed to my blog from 2 different porn sites regularly. I have no idea why.

    Michelle recently posted Securing the Insecurity with Insecure Confidence (say that real fast five times).

  125. Lord have mercy! Hahahahaha….thank you.

  126. 130
    Mykala Keith

    In regards to microwaving bananas; http://i.imgur.com/DqPwzBI.jpg?1

  127. I had to show my son the boobie mushroom, mostly because he was standing behind me when I clicked on the link. He nearly fell over. I don’t think that until that moment he believed the Internet was capable of this sort of fuckery. Surprise, son!

  128. Wow. I have to say that I’m not sure whether I feel more at home or more afraid here. Seeing as how mental I am most days, I’m going to go with more at home here. You people ARE my people. Will I see some of you at the next family reunion? You’d fit in, I swear. :-)

  129. I’m always glad I stumble across here. I have had a rough week and reading you always makes me feel not alone. And doing giggle snorts.

  130. Once someone found my blog by googling “how to call people to join my cult”. If they actually read me, they’d know that’s the OPPOSITE of the message I’m trying to send. Definitely anti-cult.

  131. I’ve had some weird, weird search terms, but you definitely win for the weirdest. Bloggess Soup would be savory, by the way, with a spicy kick. Taxidermied monkeys on the side as a garnish.

    Kelli recently posted I'm here. I guess I'm going to talk television and silly crushes and health and nieces today..

  132. Oh, you have GOT to be joking!? I’ve seen some dandies, too, but your list is just awe-inspiring. And, yes, a little scary.

    Stef recently posted Cookbook Wishes and Carb-Laden Dreams.

  133. Jenny, thank you for being brilliant and hilarious and just the right kind of messed up all at the same time. I could not stop laughing. I totally plan to print a poster-size version of puma pants, frame it and hang it over the fireplace. I’ve been holding out for the ideal artwork for that location for years; it is as if the universe has finally answered.

  134. 138
    widlrider51

    This made me laugh so hard I thought I was going to spit up a lung.
    So, is Victor now going to be able to actually say, “But why is the rum gone?” with some justification?

  135. “what will happen if you give a panda hamster rotten food” (I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a panda hamster. This blog has just become educational.)

    Hahahaha….I don’t know how this one came up..but it’s hysterical.

    I’m feeling rather erudite now..Thank you!

  136. 140
    Do Nothing Taker

    Ummmm…one of the search terms that led someone to my blog was: “my husband’s grandpa is his dad can i get an annulment” WTF???!!!

    ps- I love your book and have a signed copy…I teach high school and a few of my students have read it too (probably not the most academically sound suggestion I have made, but it gets kids to read, right!!?) If you get a chance, I would LOVE if you could follow my blog :)

  137. This makes me want to search really crazy things and try to get to your blog through them. It’s like a contest, now. May the craziest one win!

    Jane @ The Blue Morpho recently posted Fit & Fabulous: I Lost 3lbs!.

  138. I had to write again with bloggess soup in mind. So I entered a search wanting to be careful….
    search terms: the bloggess cauliflower
    this came up
    http://ninehundredandseventytwelverecipes.wordpress.com/2013/08/08/jenny-the-bloggess/

    pretty awesome

    My suggestion for bloggess soup is this..
    http://www.saveur.com/article/Recipes/Karfiolleves-Paprika-Spiced-Cauliflower-Soup

    It’s a combination of things that might not seem to go together and on first appearances might seem wrong and weird. But, the end result is something warm and wonderful. Taxidermied monkeys are optional…Kelli, I stole that from you…I did stick with the parsley garnish when I made it.

    Now my odd search term might come up.

  139. I only came to comments to see if anyone would microwave a banana and enlighten us, thank you Michele. I didn’t have any and I really had to know….wtf is wrong with me?

  140. My husband keeps asking me why I’m giggling, but demanding that he microwave a banana only has him confused.

  141. I love posts like these, so many funny ones here. It’s interesting that some people want to see you topless while others want to make soup out of you (or for you). Also, why do these people come to you to look beat up, or beat someone up, or pay someone to beat them up? Are you in a Fight Club or something? (yeah i know, you’re not supposed to talk about it.)

    I didn’t realize that Google stopped tracking search terms b/c I still see some in my Blogger stats. Nearly all of them are from this post I did about Maxim’s Hot 100 babes so I only get search terms like “elisha cuthbert maxim photos”, “victoria justice hot”, and my current favorite “marisa miller asshole”. Does that mean that they want to see her asshole or that she is an asshole? I guess I’ll never know…

  142. I love posts like these, so many funny ones here. It’s interesting that some people want to see you topless while others want to make soup out of you (or for you). Also, why do these people come to you to look beat up, or beat someone up, or pay someone to beat them up? Are you in a Fight Club or something? (yeah i know, you’re not supposed to talk about it.)

    I didn’t realize that Google stopped tracking search terms b/c I still see some in my Blogger stats. Nearly all of them are from this post I did about Maxim’s Hot 100 babes so I only get search terms like “elisha cuthbert maxim photos”, “victoria justice hot”, and my current favorite “marisa miller asshole”. Does that mean that they want to see her asshole or that she is an asshole? I guess I’ll never know…

    Chris recently posted One half of a Hyperbole.

  143. Once, someone ended up on my site by searching for “mortal kombat characters having sex.” I told my husband, and his response was simply: FINISH HIM

    Katy Bug recently posted Mr. Rogers’ Sweaters: Where Did They Come From?.

  144. I really don’t think I’m going to sleep tonight after reading “elderly miniskirt”

    That one was particularly disturbing…. haha

    kellml289 recently posted “I can’t emphasize enough how little we thought about this”.

  145. The way to find a missing snake (if you think it is missing in your house):
    Make the whole house pretty cold (lots of AC in Summer, open some windows in Winter). Put a box on the floor with a heating-type lightbulb just over it. The snake will try to find a warm place and get in the box. Have something sturdy to clap over the top of the box.
    Just in case anybody needs to know.

  146. You could also find your stats in your cpanel where your site is hosted. You should have Awstats in there and they list search terms.

  147. The “why is my left buttcheek bigger than my right buttcheek” begs the question, how the hell can they possibly see their butt cheeks at the same time to know that one is bigger? Yes, I just tried it. Yes, I think I heard the shame rattle shake far off in the distance. Yes, I might need a chiropractor now because apparently I’m not a contortionist. And no, I couldn’t see the damn things at the same time.

  148. The “why is my left buttcheek bigger than my right buttcheek” comment begs the question, how the hell can they possibly see their butt cheeks at the same time to know that one is bigger? Yes, I just tried it. Yes, I think I heard the shame rattle shake far off in the distance. Yes, I might need a chiropractor now because apparently I’m not a contortionist. And no, I couldn’t see the damn things at the same time.

  149. I really want to start searching for screwed up things just to see if they lead me here..

  150. The book with an armadillo and an immigrant might be A Prayer For Owen Meany by John Irvine. I read it my senior year of highschool for my AP English class. It changed my life. Thinking back on it I’m not sure why it made such an impression on me. But it did. The little I know about you from reading your blog you should read it.

  151. People seem to google “racist meme” often to get to my blog. I’m not sure why this happens and why so many people google that…

    Tamara (PenPaperPad) recently posted Swaddled magnificence (A Poem).

  152. You did have quite a few successive posts about a Missing snake poster that you posted on a community board….which then went missing. Maybe that’s what they were looking for?

  153. Mine aren’t nearly as diverse:

    another word for roller coaster (I never came up with one)
    phases of the moon for dental work (makes sense, I have a table for that)
    cute granny (my mother?)
    home made doll faces (that one, I actually did blog about)
    being un-hire-able (sad, but potentially true)
    food bad words (I cannot explain this one)

    Julie
    (who is also glad that you have this feature again)

    lunarmom recently posted Plotted and Planned Support, Simply.

  154. I really want to write something witty, but more so I want to say thank you. It’s been a really tough day, I love your blog so I looked at this and it made me laugh so hard I’m in tears. You and your whimsy brighten my day and probably many, many other people’s day.

    You’re a wonderful, fun woman, Jenny. I hope they never make soup out of you. And of course people want to see you topless — just roll with it.

    Jean recently posted The Sex Issue That Shouldn't Exist.

  155. Steve is ALWAYS messing with my phone!

  156. You totally are responsible for the twine thing! http://www.flickr.com/groups/1665057@N21/rules/
    If Nathan Fillion had only given you what you wanted.

  157. I really need to know why people are holding twine, especially as I have never knowingly held twine in my life. I say ‘knowingly’ because who knows what people have thrust into my hands when I’ve been unknowing.

    Tonia recently posted The Old Maid and the New Year.

  158. omg.xx

    Niki recently posted love me..

  159. I too have search term envy! Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there’s a blog that yearns to be read, once in a great great while….

  160. Now there is a good idea for what to do with those search terms. I like this far better than SEO analysis. :)

  161. Last night I had a dream I was injecting myself with liquid cheese. Does liquid cheese even exist? Maybe I should google it.

  162. My comments aren’t appearing. Jenny I think I’ve broken your blog….It keeps telling me something is wrong with ‘your end’. Sorry to hear that.

    (Weird. I see them. My blog is trying to gaslight you, probably. ~ Jenny)

  163. “bloggess soup”

    Perhaps Bruce Willis has enrolled in culinary school? Would explain alot.

  164. I need to start looking at my search terms. I doubt they’re as swell as these. “i dreamed unicorns coming out my fingernails” is my hands down favorite.

    Jess recently posted Treasury Love.

  165. 169
    Sarah Brekke

    So glad you are on WP now. It’s way cooler over here. I’m speechless on the search terms though.

    Sarah Brekke recently posted Are you a feminist or not and if either, does it matter?.

  166. I am so incredibly ecstatic you’re on wp.com! Like, accidental lesbian sex excited.

  167. I started a blog almost entirely so I could look at people’s search options. So awesome. Can I pepper my posts with random words to encourage this?

  168. Dear Bloggess,
    Thank you for sharing your glistening wit with a needy world. Reading your sparkling reactions to the strange searches made me imagine that the great Dorothy Parker had returned from the Beyond. I have newly discovered your electronic oasis of the mind, and I look forward to visiting often in the future.
    Charles Bey, theskepticalmaltball

  169. Just wanted to thank you for this post. The question mark at the end of “your dog is dead?” really got me. But, I have to go now, though. I have to clean the coffee out of my keyboard and that little fan vent thingy in my computer tower. You think my work’s emergency medicine cabinet has Q-Tips? I don’t think my boss will be happy if I break my computer due to “accidentally spitting coffee inside while laughing”.

  170. You make the world a better place by collating all the ridiculous things I’d never think to look for.

  171. Very glad you’ve joined WP. I particularly like your comma comment!

    First Night Design recently posted First Night Design | Private Mystery in John Craxton’s Paintings.

  172. Re – the missing (very bitey) snake — I still think my brother wrote one of those notes left by your (now former) neighbors. Steve, what were you doing leaving snake notes in Texas, when you were supposed to be in Kansas selling insurance? Inquiring minds want to know.

  173. How is it that you always post something at just the right time when I need it. Thank you for making me laugh today…on my birthday actually.

  174. I have to say, I’m in agreement with the others — your “Bitey Snake” entries were almost certainly the cause of this search:
    “missing snake” (Well, that’s disconcerting on several levels.)

    It’s one of your best, by far. No, that should not be disconcerting, it’s an approachable peak, so you haven’t gone well past your prime or anything… :-D

  175. My list is so much more boring than yours.

  176. “accidental lesbian” (Oh, college.) – I burst out laughing in my otherwise quiet office.

    I’ve had some odd searches show up on my blog stats but they’re mostly lame in comparison. However, I’m a little stunned by just how many people look for images of bears in a trash can – literally several per month for the last year and from all over the world. But I suppose I looked for that once so I shouldn’t judge, maybe.

    The search term that made me feel guilty was “uncontrollable eleven year old” – at which point I told my partner that perhaps I should start discussing the more positive aspects of our daughter’s personality? By contrast, the search for “satanic wife” just made me laugh.

    Jen @ BB2Boulder recently posted The Divine Miss M enters the teen years.

  177. Search terms are one of my very favourite things about blogging. I don’t know what it is about the weird ones, but I just can’t stop snickering. I made a stick figure cartoon once, and ever since, a huge portion of my search hits have been related to stick people doing dirty things to each other. I’m learning there are far more ways to ask for that than I would have expected. (Seriously.) And that’s just the tip of a giant iceberg. I’ve been too sick to write anything decent in forever, the blog is mostly desolate, but those stick figure sex search hits just go on and on and on…

    Curiosity recently posted People in the world doing good things I can't quite do yet.

  178. This gave me such a good laugh.

  179. So much love for the mammary mushroom. How profoundly wonderful that a 4-year-old post could make someone’s day. Mine, it made my day. Tell me it’s a chapter in the new book. Or book three. I’m easy.

  180. Strangely enough, I have been thinking/worried about my own searches lately. I’m not so much now. Thank you.

    Princess Stupidhead recently posted Winter Survival Skills For Women.

  181. I love when you post the search terms. It’s more proof that people are quite odd, and interesting.
    And I appreciate Michelle going to the trouble of microwaving a banana for our edification. Saves me the trouble of buying bananas. :-)

    Sue recently posted Ignore your crazy aunt.

  182. Sam Whiteoak, I doubt you will see this, but I want to say..

    I read your name as Whitecock and thought that was an awesome name. Oak is OAKAY too.
    I had a dream once where I was killing vampires in a lake of cheese. It was liquid. It was Nacho average cheese, but it was still worthy of dipping chips into, if you like vampire blood instead of salsa.

    Michelle recently posted Securing the Insecurity with Insecure Confidence (say that real fast five times).

  183. I can’t stop giggling about “accidental lesbian!” That poor, misguided girl. What did she do? Trip and fall on someone in the dorm shower?

    jaclynschoknecht recently posted Are You Happy Now?.

  184. That was hilarious reading! Thanks for sharing! Luckily I didn’t google my way here ;)

  185. One of your best posts! Laughed out loud at Avery serious conference on NY policy and payment reform. Too serious, I guess since I stopped paying attention about an hour ago.

  186. I just found your blog for the first time.. I spent nearly 2 hours at work trying to hide my loud bursts of laughter. Thanks for making my day (and life!!) infinitely better!

  187. Thoroughly enjoyed that read and didn’t need a glass of red wine either – thanks for the feel-good er…feeling. Welcome to WP! Bet you get Freshly Pressed within a week (and before you report that last part to the WP Police, it’s actually a good thing, lol).

    jollof recently posted World’s Dirtiest Man Has Not Bathed For 60 Years.

  188. One note about banana microwaving: it’s a good way to cram more bananas into banana bread without making the batter too wet. Instead of adding 2 unmicrowaved bananas, microwave a whole mess of bananas (6? I forget) until they lose their water (like mushrooms), then drain and mash up the solids and simmer the liquid until it’s reduced a bunch. Mmm, bananas.

  189. lmao this post just made my day! thank you :)

  190. Ahhhh the incredible Boob Mushroom…it’s what led me to you. Beyonce just sealed the deal.

  191. Goat shoes I get, but everything else just isn’t normal. People are weird. :)

  192. After reading this I, of course, had to search for panda hamsters. Then I found this: http://panda-with-oar.deviantart.com/art/Saddle-hamster-315696175
    Best. Hamster art. Ever!

    Just another Sarah recently posted Bead and Button Classes.

  193. This isn’t in the same category as web search analytic data, but I was trying to get information from my iPhone the other day- one of the Munchkins had died and someone in my family asked how many were left. I was being lazy and have an iffy relationship with Siri (she knows what she did), so I used the iPhone’s voice recognition thingy to google “Are there any living Munchkins?” But that’s not what my phone heard.

    What it heard was “Victor vending munchkins”.

    I’m not sure if there’s really a market for a munchkin vending machine, but maybe Victor might want to look into it.

  194. Ahahaaaa, I’m in stitches!

  195. 201
    Annette DiGiacomo

    Thank you #32 for microwaving a banana…. I decided I would read all the comments to see if someone had… I can sleep better tonight knowing this. What if you write on the banana with a toothpick (you know like Jenny taught us) and then microwave it? Does that change the end result? Can someone please find out?

  196. Ever since I wrote a post about whether little girls should wear bikinis or not, I get some really disturbing search terms. But I get some awesome ones too, like “moms in Spanx” and “swingers blue pot” and “two kids is ENOUGH.”

    Honest Mom recently posted Here is the face of a mom with depression..

  197. I’m guessing the physical violence searches might be related to admonitions you may have made to “not beat yourself up” over something (depression, etc.).

  198. I was laughing with this post from the first line. It started out as normal, human laughing, but about halfway down it turned into some sort of maniacal monkey whoop. Dogs are howling. I feel both pride and shame in equal measures.

  199. okay, I had never seen the boonie mushroom entry so I laughed my butt off and then remembered, a few years ago, I had an invasion of penis mushrooms in my yard. I think I need to plant some of my penis mushrooms near your boobie mushroom so you can have a totally porno yard.

  200. *boobie, not boonie! Sheesh.

  201. I love this since I actually searched missing snake while trying to find the found snake poster post.

  202. Some one got to my blog today by searching ’10 easy ways to spoil my eyes’ and now I want to know if they want to indulge their eyes or ruin their eyes. I will never know

    Michelle recently posted When Good Eyes Go Bad.

  203. These are great. I really want to know what people meant by some of these. :)

    annasimoniaine recently posted Writing is hard..

  204. We had someone find us yesterday by searching “nightmare where your hair gets set on fire”. Which, duh, yeah.

    The Dose of Reality recently posted Pinterest Nightmare #189: The Face Trainer by No!No!.

  205. Did you read about the senior center that has recreated famous movies for a calendar? I love this one where one senior gets her Red Dress moment: http://movies.yahoo.com/photos/nursing-home-movie-photos-slideshow/

  206. I am SO SO SO glad this feature is back.

    Sarah recently posted Piping the shell..

  207. OMG! We had literally word for word the exact same WordPress search terms! Including the boob mushroom, oddly enough! I’m not kidding. I’m hopeless at sending links, so I emailed you the short blog I wrote about Lou Diamond Phillips, Steve the henchman, and Jenny P, which I’m pretty sure is why we had the same words. So funny. Made my day.

  208. I miss seeing the messed up search terms people use too. You can still get a little bit of that fix by looking at the visual version of Google Trends, though…

    http://www.google.com/trends/hottrends/visualize?nrow=5&ncol=5&pn=p1

    VVB recently posted OFFLINE: Short Disaster Comedy about Losing Your Internet (VIDEO).

  209. I happen to hold twine quite a bit….you never know when you might have to tie something or someone up

  210. I love when you post these! And your parentheticals make me laugh. :) And I had to click on a couple of your parenthetical linky bits.

  211. Lou Diamond Phillips is in “Longmire”. Which is one of the very few things he’s in that Does Not Suck.

  212. ‘“book with an immigrant and an armadillo”

    This so needs to be written.

  213. Thanks to you, Bloggess, I’ll be browsing through my searches to see what weird stuff people used to find my blog (I wonder…). Looking forward to your next post!

    jollof recently posted Freshly Pressed: Why WordPress won’t pop my blog’s cherry.

  214. It’d been awhile since I came by and now I’m kicking myself. There really is NO ONE like you, Jenny. That is the best thing ever and you never fail to make me laugh! I’m really upset about you being fresh out of taxidermied monkeys though. I’ll be sure to check back later… ;-)

  215. What happened to Lou Diamond Phillips: He’s been presiding over Muppet cockfights.

  216. I love seeing the crazy fucked up search terms people use to find me. My favorites are pony porn, Chewbacca yaoi, and is chocolate syrup good for your spleen? Sometimes I’ll share the really messed up ones with my daughter, and she’ll look at me horrified and say, “Oh my god, mom! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WRITE ABOUT?!?”
    What disturbs me is not the terms themselves (okay, that’s not entirely true), but the fact that multiple people have used the same term. Seriously, how are 20 people looking for Chewbacca yaoi?

  217. THIS LIST IS AWESOME. how do you even figure this out? clearly I need people. best list ever. i found out how bad pringles were for me an my family when I was searching for why Adam Newman (ys Victor Newman’s blind son from Young the restless) got fired for real life for man handling a girls boobs. how did I end up in a 10 page article on how pringles are all chemicals as if we didn’t already know this but the article was fascinating.

    Laurie Free recently posted Excerpt from my book..titleless at the moment.

  218. how can i make my friends happy just by taking<– This made me think of a Spice Girls song. “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Taking is to easy but that’s the way it is.” If you find an answer to the search query, maybe you can explain the Spice Girls lyrics, too.

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