I suspect you’re all just messing with me now.

in Random Crap

Once again, the strangest search terms that brought people to my blog this week:

“I think my imaginary house is being recycled.”  (How can you tell?)

“Awesome super fluffy wolf snuggles.” (I don’t know what these are, but now I want some.)

“I like leaking vagina” (Is that a typo?  Please let it be a typo.)

“I Want the Bitch to Know It’s Me by Dr. Seuss”  (I’m not familiar with his earlier work.)

“I invented gravity.”  (Huh.)

“Elves are assholes.”  (Hard to argue with that one.)

“You are on holiday in another province. Write a postcard about that you will send to a parent or relative back at home.”  (Are you trying to do your homework using my blog?  Because you’re going to fail.  Badly.)

“What’s wrong with me if my stomach is full of bugs?”  (Do you mean that you have a stomach bug?  Because otherwise I think you might be decomposing.  Please see a doctor.)

“How does James Garfield feel?”  (Furry.)

“Why does my female cat have what looks like furry balls?”  (I don’t really know how to break this to you…)

“What organic cereal companies in Michigan use freelance artwork for their cereal boxes?” (Could you be more specific?)

“What does it mean when toddlers tear up paper and pile it under their covers while they sleep?”  (I don’t even know where to start with this.)

“Why don’t you ever answer your phone, cat?” (I think I can guess.)

“How to put into words that my wife is beautiful loving milf?”  (No.  Don’t do that.)

“I’m nuts about you, scrotum.”  (I’m not sure where you’re going with this, but it made me laugh.)

“Sexy abortion.”  (Um.  Pass.)

“Keep calm and don’t rip her head off.”  (That’s just good advice for anyone.)

“Number of wrinkles on forehead equals number of inches of penis.”  (Really?  Really?)

“I have no fucking idea what the hell I am doing.”  (Well, you’re in the right place.)

160 thoughts on “I suspect you’re all just messing with me now.”

Read comments below or add one.

  5. “I Want the Bitch to Know It’s Me by Dr. Seuss”

    The next time there is a challenge to write a poem in the style of another author, I am taking this one on!

  7. I also want awesome super fluffy wolf snuggles, but I don’t want not so awesome fluffy wolf bites and/or maulings.

  9. They are like a haiku of fucked-upedness and confusion. That’s my new search term – “fucked- upedness & confusion”. Fingers crossed it leads me straight back to you Bloggess

  13. Ok, now I’m fascinated by the second to last one. Must do research.

    And the last one should just be your new tag line.

  20. “Why does my female cat have what looks like furry balls?” My Grandma actually has a fat female cat that does look like she has balls. Hilarious!!!

  23. Either people are fucking with you (which I have to say, they are very creative) or you just have a blog that attracts all sorts of people (which I have to say, is not only likely, would scare the shit out of me). My advice? Make sure that if somebody passes you on the street talking about leaky vaginas or female cat balls, that you walk the other way. And keep sharing these posts with us because they make me laugh.

  25. Well, according to this I am hung like a horse. For a 55 year old female, I guess I don’t know whether to be proud or see my doctor.

  26. “I Want the Bitch to Know It’s Me by Dr. Seuss” (I’m not familiar with his earlier work.)
    If you go to the Chuck Jones gallery in San Diego, you’ll witness plenty, PLENTY of his more adult-themed work. My eyes were seared.

  27. The wrinkles-to-penis-size equation is just plain wrong. I have a single wrinkle on my forehead, but that doesn’t mean I want a boyfriend with a 1-inch member. I’d rather use a flea market “vibrator.”

  30. I have been sad crying all day. Now I am laugh crying, I want to live on this site and have beverages with all of you <3

  32. Long time ago I had a kitten that I named Isabella….then a year later I saw his little penis….

  37. “What does it mean when toddlers tear up paper and pile it under their covers while they sleep?”

    I think your toddler might be a hamster.

  38. We had a cat named Prince Petunia because the vet said he was a girl at his first well-kitten check-up. We didn’t go back to that vet, needless to say.

  39. Bahahaha!!! My top one this week was “Mickey Mouse fuck you”… so there you go.
    And I thought I was twisted… seriously.

  40. I just laughed my head off, and I needed that today. Your commentary is the best =D. (Also – hi, long time reader/lurker just now commenting for the first time.)

  43. These always make me laugh out loud and then I seem crazy at work (note to self stop reading them at work) 🙂 “I Want the Bitch to Know It’s Me by Dr. Seuss” hilarious.
    You should totally use these and create your own edition to Cards Against Humanity!!!

  44. Actually, I used your blog as a subject for a paper in one of my English classes and got an A. This is also the same class where I wrote a paper about ‘rickrolling’ and two papers about World of Warcraft. Apparently, I didn’t try very hard in that class…

  45. At least yours are creative. I get a lot of traffic for this stuff:

    michael bolton the passion secrets soul and truths
    ode to matial arts
    flash gordon original comic
    dolf lundgren cookimg
    commercial #fourtyeight
    cherno alpha vs otachi and leatherback
    doctor who one day i will be the queen of the universe

    I have only written about parts of like three of those so the rest of it, WTF?

  48. and I thought “bathroom out of order” was funny as a search for mine… my readers really need to step up their game… really.

  50. Giving the cat owner a teeny bit of Benefit Of The Doubt: I wonder if they noticed the cat had nipples, assumed he was female from that, and then noticed the genitalia and got confused.

    That or they’ve had the cat since he was a very small kitten. To the inexperienced eye, it can sometimes be difficult to tell them apart before about two months old or so.

  52. From now on I’m going to be spending all my time counting the forehead wrinkles of men I meet in the street, or in restaurants, or elevators. They’re going to think I’m right nuts. Of course, I am but I’ve been getting by pretty well up to now not attracting too much attention to myself. This new knowledge is just going to fuck it up for me! Thanks a lot Bloggess!

  53. God, I LOVE it, when you do this. It’s the first good laugh I’ve had all day. Also, when my husband gets home, I’m totally going to count the number of wrinkles in his forehead.!

  55. Can’t resist quoting Sir Terry here:
    “Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder.
    Elves are marvellous. They cause marvels.
    Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies.
    Elves are glamorous. They project glamour.
    Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment.
    Elves are terrific. They beget terror.
    The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning.
    No one ever said elves are nice.
    Elves are bad.”

    ― Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

  56. This made me wonder so many things that I never wanted to wonder? The wrinkle thing. So older men have longer penises. Are they like boobs, they just get longer, limper and thinner? Now I have a picture I will never scrub from my mind.

  57. “What does it mean when toddlers tear up paper and pile it under their covers while they sleep?”
    It means your kid is a hoarder. Seriously – the number of used Kleenex piles I’ve cleaned out of my kids’ room would make the Lorax cry.

  58. Is it weird that I don’t find these weird searches as weird as the previous weirdness you have posted about people searching for? Weird…

    Also, I reallyreallyreally want Dr. Seuss to have written that. Because I want to own it.

  60. I am absolutely on board with Elves are assholes. Every single movie they’re in they’re snooty and they walk around like they have a stick up their ass. And they act like they’re better than you.

  61. “I like leaking vagina” hmmm… Looks like vagina is spelled correctly to me

  62. “I’m nuts about you, scrotum” should be an inappropriate valentine. There should be an entire set of them, including “I’m a-dick-ted to you” and some other ones that would make me have to think too hard so I’m just going to hope that someone else picks it up and runs with it. Also, they should be perforated cardboard, just like the ones we had to hand out when we were kids. Only they should also come with free drink vouchers. Make it so, Internet!

  66. Annnnd great. Now I’ll be staring creepily at men’s foreheads. When my jaw drops and I holler, “HOLY SHIT, YOUR DONG IS HUUUUUGE!” I suspect it’s going to raise an eyebrow or two, which will only make counting those wrinkles that much easier.

  67. ok.. besides these bizarre search terms… what google algorithm routes all things strange to the bloggess?

  68. We had a cat who used to sit on the answering machine. She loved the warmth and would start purring. Sometimes she’d hit a button on the machine and leave us a message. Which is my longwinded way of saying that I find the “Why don’t you ever answer your phone, cat?” query to be rather logical.

    Now as for all the other search terms? Bonkers.

  69. I laughed at all of these. Love this! Just keep these funny thoughts coming, Jenny!

    Little known fact – every time Jenny Lawson posts a new blog, millions of days are brightened. It’s the biggest ripple effect ever.

  72. Are you sure that last one isn’t a quote from Victor while you’re counting the wrinkles on his head?

  74. You have the best searches. Mine for some reason are usually focused around racist memes…which is searched a lot more often than you’d think.

  76. “What organic cereal companies in Michigan use freelance artwork for their cereal boxes?” (Could you be more specific?)
    My personal favorite.

  77. My guess on the toddler one is that the kid noticed that teeth left under the pillow get replaced with money by the “tooth fairy.” Going on the assumption that the tooth fairy is massively near-sighted, the toddler was tearing up paper to look like lots of little teeth & placing them under a pillow.

    At least that’s my theory. raises eyebrows to increase number of forehead wrinkles

  78. Umm…I once had to inform my neighbor that his girl cat did, in fact, have balls. He thought I was perverted for noticing. I’m like: “nope, skinny cat, big balls. Hard not to notice. How did you not?” He finally brought “her” in to get fixed and the vet confirmed my diagnosis.

  80. The penis thing might be true; I just counted the wrinkles on my forehead and there are 0 and that’s exactly how many inches my penis is.

  81. @Miss Sarah: Congratulations. You are the first person to make me laugh-snort a drink out my nose since Vinnie Iforgethislastname in middle school. Seriously. It really happened. Not that I’m proud of it, mind you.

  82. Probably should just admit now, I’m going to spend time researching the second to last one. Wrinkles and inches? Does that means it grows as they age because …? I’m going with Elaine from Seinfeld, “I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.”

  84. I just had to search “I’m nuts about you, scrotum”…yup, you are the first result.

  85. I like that the “why don’t you ever answer your phone?” keeps popping up. I loved the blog that you wrote where Victor was mad that you didn’t or weren’t answering. I was going through my vm the other day and came upon one from my loving husband that said “Why don’t you ever answer my GD phone calls? I NEEEED to talk to you” It was in his most whiney slash pissed off voice. I’m positive he didn’t really need anything though too badly… I don’t remember anything warranting this message either. Hm. oh well.

  86. There should totally be a contest with this. Everyone tries to come up with the weirdest search string possible, and see if The Bloggess’ site comes up in the results.

  87. I love these! What a great end to an awful work day. Thank you for always sharing these

  88. In regards to the children who fill their beds with shredded paper, I gotta believe they’ve been spending an unhealthy amount of time with their hamsters.

  90. Obviously that toddler was a homeless person in a past life OR they were a bird and need to make a nest.

  92. This explains why I have no wrinkles on my forehead, since I am female and all. And thank goodness, since that would be an awkward conversation I would have to have with my husband…

  95. “Elves are assholes.” – YES. But they have exceptionally wrinkly foreheads, and they’re only a couple inches tall themselves, so I’m thinking there’s some bad math going on…

  100. there are gonna be some fucked up history papers out there. Hey Google, “Did James Garfield invent gravity?” Straight to the the bloggess. The internet gets awesomer every day.

  101. I think my new mission is to either start doing ridiculous searches and then selecting any result that I think might have some sort of “How did this person find me?” script… or else fill your comments section with non-sequiturs that would lead people here. I think I’ll go with the first one, that seems safer and less likely to end with John Goodman terrorizing the Walrus Federation with a cantankerous hand puppet made out of orange peels.

  106. Oh, this is no good at all. I’ve had LOTS of wrinkles on my forehead, and I had them YEARS before I was dating. Seriously I had wrinkles on my forehead in middle school!

  107. I’ve called my house when away on vacation and left a voicemail for my cat. Because whenever the answering machine would click on he’d try to figure it out. I thought with a little training I could get him to knock the handset off the base and make cat noises at telemarketers. I hate telemarketing calls.

  108. Oh, and just to clarify, I am female. I suppose if you count the “one flesh” rule I do have a penis, it’s just attached to my husband, but I get to use it. Still, I’ve had the wrinkles longer than I’ve known him, and I don’t think I could claim him as mine before I knew him.

    Oh, and if you’re not familiar with the “one flesh” rule, it’s the idea that when you get married the two become one, so in theory everything that he does, I do, and vice versa, and everything that’s his is mine, and stuff. It’s Biblical so it must be true!

  110. I have to comment on those fucking Elves. About 25 yrs ago, those fuckers were driving the U-Haul truck that smashed into my mother’s car (with her in it!) days before Christmas Eve! Lil Bastards tried to blame the ice but I think they were drunk on egg nog!
    Totaled my Mom’s lil Honda and broke her friggin pinky toe! I was 19 and at work when I got the call. By the time I got to her at the ER she was completely out of it constantly asking me where her shoe was?
    Concussion? I THINK NOT!!!
    It was those drunken Elves! Assholes! Ran from the crime scene too. Fuckers! Don’t even get me started on why I hate Smurfs! Grrr!

  111. I want that Dr. Seuss book. But… Those last two. If the number of forehead wrinkles equals length of penis in inches, then I must have a HUGE penis hiding somewhere. (Funny because I have a vagina.*)

    *Not funny because I took time to type the clarification.

  114. “Number of wrinkles on forehead equals number of inches of penis.” (Really? Really?)

    Tommy Lee Jones is rockin’ a whopper. That is all.

  115. Sometimes….I wonder about people. This is proof that some people just have way too much time on their hands and probably that their bosses should possibly pay more attention to them at work.

  116. Whaaaaaaaaaahahaha SCROTUM! Love it. That is going to be somebody’s nickname soon, gotta use it.

    These are all totally hillarious, if not deeply disturbing!!

  118. Today’s thought process when reading this post:

    “Why does my female cat have what looks like furry balls?”
    Me: Well, quite clearly they’re furry because she’s a cat… wait. I’m missing something vital here, aren’t I? Reads it another couple of times … Penny drops Ooooh right. Okay. Yeah, that’s weird and worth looking into.

  121. Mo’ worries, Mo’ penis? I don’t think the statistics bear that out. My worries and forehead wrinkles have lately been increasing exponentially, but my lady wife assures me that other things have not.

  124. We had one that said “Permission to have anal sex”. We didn’t know quite how to feel about that. Yes, you have permission, but not with us? Yes, as long as you have gained enthusiastic consent from your partner? I feel like I don’t know enough about this situation.

  125. I bet there would be some great stories about what prompted these search queries.

    And we will never know. 🙁

  126. Just when I’ve decided I hate everyone, the search terms bringing people to your blog kinda make me like this species again. THANKS, JENNY. I had a good glass of Haterade going and you ruined it.

  129. I absolutely love going through my search engine terms! Some of my favorite search directs to my site are: beetus jokes, does banana make you lazy, angry bre, and goats in a boat. How in the hell…

  132. We should use TheBloggess Google search terms like those e-mails with answers to questions that we changed to our own answers then sent out. Except instead of 1. What did you eat last? 2. What was the last TV show you watched?, etc… We would comment on these. A lot more entertaining I think. Jenny, please feel free to delete if too long or unoriginal.

    “I think my imaginary house is being recycled.” (Into an imaginary friend?)
    “Awesome super fluffy wolf snuggles.” (Can’t help but think those might be a little scratchy/bitey.)
    “I like leaking vagina” (Depends on what it’s leaking.)
    “I Want the Bitch to Know It’s Me by Dr. Seuss” (I think they meant Dr. Douche.)
    “I invented gravity.” (Thought one of Al Gore’s ancestors invented that?)
    “Elves are assholes.” (Makes me wonder if elven assholes are as pointy as their ears?)
    “You are on holiday in another province. Write a postcard about that you will send to a parent or relative back at home.” (“Dear relative, why did I go to another province instead of leaving Canada for holiday?” My wife is Canadian so I get to bag on them.)
    “What’s wrong with me if my stomach is full of bugs?” (Obviously nothing if you are still able to google.)
    “How does James Garfield feel?” (The dead president? Probably a little stiff. The boar head on Jenny’s wall? Teethy?)
    “Why does my female cat have what looks like furry balls?” (You took it to a different kind of clinic last time?)
    “What organic cereal companies in Michigan use freelance artwork for their cereal boxes?” (Robocop cocoa puffs? Oh sorry, thought you said cyborganic.)
    “What does it mean when toddlers tear up paper and pile it under their covers while they sleep?” (They have a future as a literary critic.)
    “Why don’t you ever answer your phone, cat?” (Because not every cat has thumbs like Ferris Mewler.)
    “How to put into words that my wife is beautiful loving milf?” (Didn’t you just do exactly that?)
    “I’m nuts about you, scrotum.” (If your nuts are about your scrotum instead of in your scrotum you might want to go to the doctor. Might as well get the stomach full of bugs checked out while you are there.)
    “Sexy abortion.” (I’ll pass on this one also.)
    “Keep calm and don’t rip her head off.” (Is that what KEEP CALM AND CHIVE ON really means?)
    “Number of wrinkles on forehead equals number of inches of penis.” (Honestly babe! It’s a lot bigger than you think. Look at the other head!)
    “I have no fucking idea what the hell I am doing.” (As evidenced by all that came above.)

  133. Inquiring minds now want to know if there IS a correlation between facial wrinkles and penis length. Off to do research…for Science!

  135. This just totally made my day! It’s also good to know I’m not the only one out there that hasn’t a fucking clue on what they are doing..

  137. a lot of people seem to view you as an authority on genitals
    either that, or somebody at google has a crush on you

  139. I may or may not have googled “I’m totally just messing with you, Jenny Lawson” just now. Not as much fun as just doing it and silently waiting, but I got anxious and decided to tell you in case my browser security settings block my search terms. Because seriously, there’s nothing more disappointing than that block of “unknown search terms.” Tell me, Google – I need to know!

  144. When she was a girl, my mom had a cat named Wilbur. I’m not sure why they decided that Wilbur was male, but they called Wilbur, “he” right until the day that Wilbur had kittens.

    I also had a young couple bring a puppy into my store once to see if anyone would give what they called, “him” a home. I finally had to break the news to them that it was pretty obvious the puppy was a girl. They didn’t believe me until one of my fellow dog-owning coworkers came by and I pointed the puppy at her and said, “This is a girl, right?” She agreed with me.

  145. I recently reviewed the search items which brought readers to my site, and let’s just say that several of them my be illegal in many states (I am not proud; well, maybe a little…:)

  146. I sometimes wonder if those searches were by someone whose native langauge is not English and they just used a very bad translator to come up with their English search phrase. Like they meant to type “water keeps filling my hole” and got “I like leaky vagina” as the translation. Or maybe not.

  147. Hahahahahahahahahaahahahahaha!!!!!!! This made my day!!!!!Don’t ever stop posting this shit!

  149. Number of wrinkles on forehead? Really? What happened to foot size? Or length of elbow to wrist? Oh wait, that doesn’t make sense. Never mind. I’ll just start counting wrinkles everywhere now.

  153. Thanks to your intrepid readers and a quick forehead, I now know that I have a 3-4 inch penis. I’m just not exactly sure where I have it. Possibly, it’s at the back of the freezer. Everything ends up there eventually.

  155. The stomach full of bugs might be a real thing. My mother, who works in psych, has had several people come in lately who are all “there are bugs in my stomach!” And even creepier, “there are bugs in my vagina” Thankfully, none of that brought me here. I AM rather worried about the world, however.

  156. Well, I would just like to announce that now my husband is very proud of all of his forehead wrinkles. And next Valentine’s day I’ll be giving him a handmade card that says, “I’m nuts about you scrotum. ” Technically it will be a card for his privates. Unless you save me the work and create a card on your shop for scrotums. You should totally do that.

  158. This is great! 🙂 A friend of mine told me about your blog and what you do – because of me telling her about some of my weird search results! I just might have to start something similiar! LOL

  159. I want the Bitch to know it’s me was my favorite childrens book! Oh such great childhood memories.

  160. I cannot stress this enough – do not look.

    But “sexy abortions” is a shock subreddit much like rotten.com used to be in the early days.

    Again, and still with the stressing, do not look

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