If wishes were horses then there would be a lot more shit in the street.


I made this chart in 2008 and then it got lost it in my draft folders and I just found it again, but I kind of worry that maybe I’ve posted it before and just forgot to delete it from drafts. But I don’t want to not post it, just in case I’ve never posted it before, but I’m fairly sure as soon as I post it I’ll remember that I’ve already posted it.

And this is how this whole week has been.


And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means its time for the weekly wrap-up:


What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

  • Kick-ass stuff I pinned. (Related: Is there a way to block shit on Pinterest?  Because I don’t want to see how many sit-ups I need to do or how to paint my nails or how to cook things in a cuter way than I’m already not cooking them.  I want there to be a front page that’s just cats falling and Doctor Who and things that make me go “Well, maybe.”  Why doesn’t that exist?  Someone make that, please.)

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you  by The Canary Suicides (mild trigger warning).  I’m a giant fan of her work, and all of her taxidermied canaries died of natural causes.  You need to go look at her stuff now.   Her pieces are meditations on captivity, miniature embodiment, the pet as fetish, and the relationship between death and delight.  Artist/taxidermist Catherine Coan was a judge on AMC’s Immortalized, a competitive taxidermy television program and is currently at work on larger taxidermy assemblage pieces including griffins, a carnivorous deer, and a flying hyrax.  (Finished pieces and commissions available.)

107 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I might have to make a wish pie chart now

  2. It’s also possible that I just want pie now.

    Michelle recently posted Bring Me Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Weird Search Terms.

  3. First of all I just googled Doctor Who Unicorn and found this:

    You’re welcome.

    Secondively, I want to work on naming a sandwich after you but it would be a sandwich that no one except my friends knows about unless I blog about it in which case about 100 other people will know. Perhaps a bolognese sandwich called The Bologess? Doing it.

    lisermarie2013 recently posted The one where I gush about St. John’s, Newfoundland and tell you about a talented singer..

  4. My favorite restuarant as a teenager had a sandwich with my name….Sadly when I visited over the holidays it’s no longer on the menu. :(

  5. Seriously, add Pinterest blocking to the wish list. That would be the shit.

    Jess recently posted BSC #10: Logan Likes Mary Anne!.

  6. What if your dead pets came back as zombies? That would totally suck. No pets coming back to life/zombies for me.

    Rhonda recently posted The Oklahoma Story We Should Be Reading.

  7. I have a pie chart about pie types somewhere.

    Mmmmm. Pie. Fruit is good for breakfast, right?

  8. 8
    Penny Gruetzmacher

    What if your pets came back like “Pet Cemetary” by Stephan King? I do not want the hamster, guinea pig and gerbil, that we had funeral for come back to see us. I would rather just have the memories. I only want them to come back if they are fully restored, and not all icky and dead looking.

  9. If the pets came back, they’d probably be really really hungry. Just sayin’

  10. My mind was blown when I found out that Jesse’s girl is probably the same person as Stacy’s mom.

  11. I think my pie chart would have a lot more David Tennant on it. I believe I also need to make a pie chart now. I will add it to my list of shit I want to do but probably never will because I procrastinate.

    karifur recently posted Between grief and nothing, I’ll take grief.

  12. “If wishes were horses then beggars would ride on stars of bright stallions with bright firey eyes.”

  13. I think your priorities may have been a bit askew. Personal unicorns demand a much larger slice of the pie. Mmmmmm, pie.

  14. If you want to get of all the pointless crap on your Pinterest you need to go onto your people you follow boards and untick individual boards you’re not interested in. Hopefully they’ll have set up folders which make it easy for you to remove the unwanted stuff.

  15. “return from grave” — ohmygod does this mean you’ve buried all your dead pets in one mass grave?! I mean, I feel like I need to ask, because I can’t automatically rule it out…

  16. I’ve never* seen this pie chart before, so even if you’ve posted it before, I for one am glad you posted it possibly again.

    (* – And I think I would have remembered the pet zombie apocalypse wish.)

  17. I’m not sure this is as good as blocking, but Pinterest now has a “following feed” page that only has the people you follow, not the annoying ass “suggested pins” on the home page.

  18. what about a sandwich containing the Unicorn Meat you can buy on Think geek??

    also that Lorde video was pretty damn funny!

    Your luggage tag should also be made into Keychains if it isn’t already.

    AND, do they offer those heart necklaces that come in 2 pieces of shared hearts of whatever, because if so it would probably make the best valentines present ever…

  19. I don’t know if the dead pets coming back is such a good thing. What if it’s like Pet Sematary? Then you’d have pets trying to kill you every time you turned your back.

  20. Well…since 2008 you’ve acquired your own (Pegasus) Unicorn.
    Some dreams can come true.

    standrewslynx recently posted Dream Breaker.

  21. “how to cook things in a cuter way than I’m already not cooking them”

    I hear ya, girl

    Jane @ The Blue Morpho recently posted You Know it’s Cold When….

  22. Just in case you haven’t seen this (“This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars. And this is a bar graph describing my favorite pies”): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_J8QU1m0Ng

  23. Not sure if you’ve seen this, but thought you would like it. http://www.wired.com/rawfile/2014/02/brothers-grimm-homeland/#slide-id-136531

  24. My pie chart might be similar. I want a tiny monkey though.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted You can't choose your treatment unless you are rich..

  25. Well, once again thanks for the laugh and cry! I think I will have my son make my pie chart–that could be very interesting..

  26. Can you still pet dead pets? Would they be all decayed and wanting brains?

  27. Wow that was one of my Dads fav sayings, “If wishes were horses beggars would ride.” It is a very Irish saying. I wouldn’t want a Unicorn though I want a dragon then I could avoid traffic and burn the crap out of monsters and stuff.

    roodog63 recently posted The Only Equality We Have Are Our Differences: Why the Super Bowl Coke Commercial Rankled People..

  28. I love your priorities!! This made me laugh so much and it only took a few sentences. I would like think it’s just because I’m easily amused but I know it’s because you are just so damn funny! I love the laughs I get when I come here.

    YourMotherIsADirtyGirl recently posted I give the illusion that I’m sexy and people believe it. You can fool them too!.

  29. replace personal unicorn with wishing there were more people like Sir Nicholas Winston.

    Simone recently posted Are book trailers worth it?.

  30. I’d be worried about the dead pets returning. I am imagining face-eating zombie pets. I mean, most of my pets were in the habit of biting people even when they were alive. And imagine how bad tempered they’d be if they had to claw their way back up out of the garden of the last-house-but-two that I lived in..

  31. I want to block Wedding-Stuff from Pinterest. Because narcissistic women!

  32. Those Canary Suicides are amazing.
    The Woodchipper one makes me want to watch Fargo, again.

    S.O. recently posted KGB Bar anthology and Kirk Nesset visits our local reading series.

  33. I don’t think better hair would make the cut on my pie chart. I gave up long ago. Finding a cure for cancer is more realistic.

    susielindau recently posted Greeking Out on Hyperbole and the Winter Olympics.

  34. You can unfollow the boards that show you how to paint your nails, or alternately, follow my cute cute cute board, which is mostly cats, and my doctor who board. Yeah, shameless self promotion. Pinterest.com/laney

  35. BTW, thank you for making the links open in a new tab automatically now. Clicking the link used to take me away from your site and I’d always forget and then close the link and then have to start all over (possibly user error on my part) but anyway. I like this better, FWIW.

  36. also, this is amazing: https://twitter.com/HistoryInPics/status/432373546489483264/photo/1

    i think it will help you with finishing your next book.

    Simone recently posted Are book trailers worth it?.

  37. “corporate communications ambassador, SEO flack, social media bitch. cat lover.” I AM SO USING THIS FOR MY BIO!
    Thanks :)

    skullwoman recently posted Adventures in the Punk DIY Kitchen: LImoncello and Steak Sauce.

  38. Every Monday my brain hurts at the Sunday wrap ups and I think I’m a time traveller…and then I remember I live in Australia …also this is my first ever post and you should know I overuse ellipsis all the time.

  39. Every girl needs a personal unicorn, in my humble opinion, at least.
    And a jet pack.

    The Hook recently posted I’m Not Having A Mid-life Crisis, This Is More of A Mid-life “Situation”..

  40. Now I want a pie chart! And a pie.

    Kathleen recently posted February Psalm.

  41. You can do the thing where over on the left by the search bar you can look at things in interest category. I think you’d like Humor and Geek and Animals. (Also, if you haven’t done this yet, try searching “taxidermy” in the search bar. Oh my. Sorry Victor.)

  42. Why don’t you make a sandwich and name it after yourself? Like if you were a sandwich, what would you be? Bacon? Peanut Butter? Squirrel meat? This idea has so much potential…

    Michelle recently posted In my closet is the second best dream ever.

  43. Love the pie chart, very inspirational. Lots of good stuff this week.

    Stephanie recently posted I think that Unicorn has a bladder control problem....

  44. Unicorns are overrated. Agree with bringing back dead pets.

  45. I feel you have underestimated the importance of a personalised sandwich.

  46. So I don’t know if you’re able to block things on pinterest, but it kind of sounds like what you’re really looking for is Tumblr. It’s like all the best nerdy parts of pinterest without all the mason jar crafts and super healthy workout routines.

  47. Well, the ghost of my stepfather put one of my cats in a clear tupperware bin when my back was turned and put the lid on. THEN, when I put my (5) cats in my room to confine them so I could move in some furniture and keep them away from the door, he let them out. AND he took 5 white face cloths. This is the absolute truth. My sister was selling his house and got him all stirred up, I guess….

  48. That is how my week has been… :P

  49. My sister’s boyfriend has a taco with his name (it’s a steak taco topped with chile-lime fries) but with a name like Wingo, you get things named after you. As for whether or not you’ve posted this chart before, it seems vaguely familiar, but that might just be because it sounds so much like something you’d do. I think my top wish currently is that I can find a job and move out of my parent’s house. Being fresh out of college sucks, y’all!

  50. Oh yes for dead animals to come back! I almost wish for better hair, but let’s face it, I’m a woman and I’ll never be pleased with my hair ;-) instead, I wish for world peace and less stabby people.

  51. I love you a million times for the Jessie’s Girl piece of pie.

    Shannon Not Sharon recently posted The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.

  52. Personal unicorn seems totally appropriate to me. If you had to share it with others it would really just be a hassle!

    The Dose of Reality recently posted Pinterest Nightmare #762: Don’t Drink When You Ink.

  53. I love Kaelyn and Lucy. They are one of the sweetest young dyke couples I know of, it’s been great to watch their relationship develop, and I’m looking forward to Kaelyn getting to move to the UK and them getting married.

  54. 54
    Don A in Pennsyltucky

    I don’t know that I would like to have all of my dead pets return from the grave — would they come back as sick and old, or with injuries from being struck by a car? I do know that I miss them all even more than I miss some people who are long gone dead and forgotten whereas the dogs are still cherished memories.

  55. Ohhhhhh…and you were SO CLOSE to getting that unicorn just a few weeks ago! You know the one – with his friend, the lion? If there was one, there must be others — perhaps you can knock that off your wishlist soon!

    Jana recently posted Smellovision.

  56. my god the canary suicides are hysterically beautiful and I want the empty nest one. or the OMG. that one is just too much. so talented and just a little creepy.

  57. All my wishes are related to my career and ambitions. I feel so vastly uncreative. THere’s too many of me and not enough of “I-need-a-personal-unicorn” kind of folks.

  58. I wish I had a pie chart of wishes. Oh. Wait a minute.

  59. Only 50% for personal unicorn? I feel like maybe that’s more in the 75%-80% range….

    kellml289 recently posted If you don’t like books don’t read this.

  60. 60
    Elizabeth gilbert

    Thank you. You always pull me up out of my pit. Your blogging means the world to so many of us. I love you. (I a non creepy, the world would be so much less without you, kinda way.)

  61. I cried over the Nicholas Winton video. It was so wonderful. Sometimes I forget that some people are willing to do good.

    Katy Bug recently posted Behold, My Birthday Cake!.

  62. http://jessicajoslin.com/jessica/gallery/animal-alchemy-2014

    This popped up on my Zite feed and I thought of you…In the not so distant past my first thought on seeing this would have been about how I wouldn’t be able to sleep for a week and NOT about sharing it LOL

    Patti B recently posted Working on getting stuff done - including my pattern!.

  63. I don’t feel so bad for wanting my own personal tiger.

  64. If you can get a personal unicorn to make you a sandwich, then you win at life.

    Sandy the Fearless Scribe recently posted Diabetes and the Olympics.

  65. Oh, Kary Bug, me too almost. I’m just misty, because, you know, guy.
    And now I’m hoping the five people I meet in heaven will be my pets who’ve gone on before me, along with my beloved wife, whom I can’t decide whether to wish ahead of or after me.* After, I think, with a lot more fun for her in those intervening years.

    *Sounds horrible, I’m probably a terrible person. I just know how introverted we both are, and don’t have enough confidence in a merry widowhood for her.

  66. I think my three biggest wishes, in this order, would be:
    1. Personal unicorn that doesn’t shit (similar to yours, perhaps slightly better)
    2. Be Alicia Keys
    3. Obtain bionic pancreas to cure my diabetes

    (I just realized I am only selfishly concerned about curing MY diabetes, not simply “cure diabetes.” Not concerned enough to edit, though.)

  67. You can cross “Sandwich named after me” off your Wish List. I just made a PB&J, dubbed it “The Bloggess Jenny Lawson,” and gobbled it right up. Wish granted!

  68. Hey Jenny I figured you’d maybe like a heads-up that http://www.likethevodka.com is BAAACK. I found her through your blog roll and LOVED that darn crazy Russian (and of course his lovely bride that pens the blog), well two days after that fantastical FOUR RING SPECTACULAR that was the opening ceremonies in Sochi (btw, hear THAT poor guy that was in charge of the snowflake gone nowheresville is nursing a missing few fingers due to his “oversight”), she’s back to blog about all things Russian, Vodka and funny! Thanks for your wrap up, as always some great sh*t here that I missed on the internets too, strangely enough! Thanks for keeping us “in the” all important “know”!

  69. I generally skip the opening feed on my pintrest and just skip to the GEEK or HUMOR sections. It makes me laugh, and feel nerdy and I am ok with this. Also, just want to say, sandwich? psh, I want a pizza named after me…. in all its cheesy glory!

  70. So this has nothing to do with your post, but I had a dream that I was running for President and you were running as my Vice-President. You were trying to get me to support a law giving every American daily pudding (you could pick your flavor, this is America after all). Also, you sounded like Morgan Freeman. It was both weird AND soothing!

    My pie chart would just be one thing: I could live in the Harry Potter universe and be a bad ass witch!

  71. Maybe this will help? http://www.pinterest.com/shadesiren/cats-chewing-on/ So you can have more cats. IF you like seeing cats.. you know.. chewing on stuff. In a good way. (not like, chewing off faces or anything.) (Or maybe that would be ok? I dunno.. I prefer things like pianos and cheeseburgers. For cats to chew on. To be funny.)

    Err. yeah.

  72. Okay, on Pinterest. Next to the search bar, click on the little box with lines to open the drop-down categories list. Click the very first thing, “Preview! Explore Interests.” That will open up a feed specifically tailored to the things you like: Doctor Who, taxidermy, etc. It’s got some bugs still (for whatever reason, it seems to think I’m desperately in love with hypothyroidism diets, a thing that I have never once thought about). But it’s generally quite fantastic.

  73. Oh my goodness! The video with the man with all those people he saved! It’s stolen all my pretense at keeping it together today happy blub.

    April recently posted Planning a Wizard of Oz birthday party.

  74. What, you haven’t pinned the fencing frog diorama yet? :)

    maitriscraps recently posted Patchouli is Ready for Purchase!.

  75. 76
    melanie esham

    PINTEREST – I think when you like or pin something from certain pinners that anytime they create a new board you are automatically following their board. You have to click on that persons pin and it will take you to their board and you can unfollow that board. You can also go into their profile and unfollow all.

  76. On another bit of frivolity… somewhere there is a burglar who is really embarassed for getting scared off by a singing fish. http://newsfeed.time.com/2014/02/05/burglars-foiled-by-singing-big-mouth-billy-bass/

  77. One thing for sure: if you really HAD already posted this, there would already be several sandwiches named after you. Now it’s just a matter of time…

    bruhinb recently posted Eraserhood Today > Hive’s Valentine Hackshop – February 9th.

  78. Well you kinda got the wish about dead pets returning from the grave, maybe not all of them but still.

  79. The Sir Nicholas Winton video made my day. Thanks for sharing. Your pie chart is also awesome and now I want a wish pie chart. And also some pie would be nice.

    chickens consigliere recently posted Vi Chronicles: The Portland Strangler.

  80. You had me at unicorn and better hair:).

  81. If it makes you feel better, I recently found my gardening to-do list from Spring 2006, and only 3 of the 13 things on it, got done. And none of them were a unicorn…

    stef recently posted Exactly The Same...Only, Not.

  82. The pets coming back from the dead thing is too creepy for me- too Stephen King. I like the pie chart idea. Unfortunately mine would probably be just one big solid pie. The wish? That I could be as beautiful, fearless, confident, awesome and bodacious as I was at 18 but with the wisdom and knowledge I possess now. If I was, I could probably save the world – well in my own mind anyway.

    manuregurl recently posted The big black blob of blah.

  83. Minneapolis, MN has a new coffee shop opening soon. You could maybe get yourself a unicorn there. See the photos on their FB page: https://www.facebook.com/fivewattcoffee/photos_stream

  84. This comment has nothing to do with your post, but I saw a Pinterest pin called “32 Books Guaranteed To Make You Laugh Out Loud”, and your book was #26. It made me smile out loud for you : )

  85. I just bought my very first Blythe doll the other day, and as I was waiting for her to be delivered, I thought now what would make a Blythe doll absolutely perfect? A RED DRESS. So, indeed, I ordered her the biggest, froofiest red doll dress I could find. I’ll put up pictures when both she and it arrive. Even dolls need red dresses.

    Adrasteia recently posted Crawling out of the pit. Slowly but surely..

  86. That is so funny! Hey…I want a sandwich named after me, too!

  87. I think you should have a wine slushee named after you!

  88. My Pinterest Feed is mainly Doctor Who, Ponies, Art Nouveau Jewelry, and stuff like that. Are you following people rather than individual boards? That may be your issue. I don’t have anything about nail polish or cooking or physical self-improvement.
    I like pie. I’ll bet someone out there has a board devoted to pie.

  89. Do you follow silly internet quizes? Because this:

    (I’m the raccoon who has HAD ENOUGH. Figures. ~ Jenny )

  90. I very muchly do NOT LIKE the canary thing. Normally I just shut up when I don’t like stuff, but that is disturbing as hell to me. Dismembering canaries who lived as breeders or something before they died. I don’t like it. Not even a little.

  91. if you are following someone and they have a board dedicated to something you find uninteresting, you can unfollow it. for instance, i have a friend with a board dedicated to midwifery. i simply clicked unfollow, and i never have to see that shit again. on a semi-related note, you should check out this board if you haven’t already, it’s hilarious: http://www.pinterest.com/tiffanywbwg/my-imaginary-well-dressed-toddler-daughter/

  92. Road Apples.

    Surely you must now the genteel term for the big, steaming pile of horse shit one just trod upon is a “Road Apple.” Giving things cute names always makes them more pleasant.

    Matthew Miller recently posted Lie like an Editor.

  93. 95
    Jennie with an -ie

    I just found this blog, and I think you may be my long-lost sister. We have disturbingly similar thought patterns. …And my name is also Jennie.

  94. I’ve always wished that I WERE Jessie’s girl, because then Rick Springfield would want me. Even all these years later, he’s a stud muffin.

    Shelley J recently posted Hey, my eyes are up here! Talking big boobs, Darwin and God.

  95. I agree on the unicorn, but they can only be touched by a virgin…and…I’m pretty sure that shipped sailed.

  96. you’re so funny haha this is an awesome post…not that I don’t enjoy all of the rest… funny tittle too! ….personal unicorn, yes!!!!!!!!!!

    ivette recently posted Valentine's inspired.

  97. I just learned that Lake Superior State University in Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan used to have “the Unicorn Hunters.” Although the group disbanded, you can still apply for a Unicorn Hunter’s License. http://www.lssu.edu/banished/uh_license.php

  98. I wonder what kind of sandwich it would be… because naming sandwiches attracts unicorns.

    Jay Piltser recently posted Spring Giveaways Raffle.

  99. Now not only is that song stuck in my head, it’s stuck in my head in that voice. I may not make it…

    Alicia recently posted Hairspray.

  100. Thank you so much for the link to the story of Nicolas Winton.

  101. Thanks for the link to the tribute to Sir Nicholas Winton. I had not heard of this story before and I needed a reminder right now that not all people suck.

  102. If you are following people on Pinterest, you can unfollow their sucky boards and only follow the cool unicorn-y Dr. Who. Also, never look at the “Popular” or “Everything” categories, stick to “Geek” or “Art” and such. By the way, the kids have gotten me playing an app game called Dragonvale and my goal this week was to buy an Ami’lya pond. Whovians are wonderful at sneaking references into everything!

  103. You mean being held up to a classroom full of college PR students didn’t merit a slice of your pie? I’m crushed! Thursday is The Bloggess “I-Couldn’t-Make-This-Shit-Up day again, so 40+ students are going to be exposed to your particular brand of fun again. Just thought you should know. ;)

  104. That looks to be about the right proportions for my wishes, except personal unicorn would read ‘teleportation’ instead and the Jessie’s girl section would be a little bigger.

  105. Did anyone else notice the Weeping Angel behind Lorde in the video or was I imagining it? I have been known to conjure Doctor Who images in my own mind.

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