Socks will kill you.

A quick note before we start:  Victor’s meemaw came through the quadruple bypass and is doing well.  Thanks for all the kind thoughts, you guys.  She was blown away to know that so many people were pulling for her.  If things go as planned she’ll be back home and stronger than ever in a few weeks.

And now, back to business as normal…

You know when you’re putting on your socks while you’re walking out of the bedroom and your left sock doesn’t want to cooperate so you have to sort of pause while bent over and you start to lose your balance so you just rest your head on your closed bedroom door while you pull on the rest of the sock, but then your husband comes in and when he pushes the door open he totally knocks you over and then he sees you on the floor with one sock on and an angry, accusing look on your face and he’s like “What the hell are you doing on the floor?” and you tell him that he hit you with the door and he says that it’s not possible because he would have heard your head hit the door, but you explain that there was no way to hear the thump because your head was already resting on the door because of your socks, and then he just looks at you like it’s your fault.  But it’s not.  It’s your sock’s fault.  Or possibly the door’s fault.

There isn’t a point to this.  Except that people need to knock before they open the door.

And that I need an ice-pack.

*******************

And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means its time for the weekly wrap-up:

sid

What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by SilkWords, a new website that offers a first-of-its-kind reading experience for women’s fiction.  It’s basically like choose-your-own-adventure, but for grown-ups.  You should probably check it out (if you’re 18 or older).

98 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I’ve done that shit!

    Like

  2. Damn socks. (I’m just impressed you had two. I need to start declaring mis-matches to be real pairs.)

    Like

    Korinthia Klein recently posted Mold-A-Ramas at the Knoxville Zoo.

  3. We have a danger lurking in our bedroom too. Our “sleigh bed” has a gentle curve at the foot, this curve is the height of my thigh. I bang into it, on average, 6 times a week. Every single time I cry out and the curse myself. If Sean is nearby I can almost blame him for it.

    Like

  4. Socks are lethal. The washing machines eat as many as they can, to protect us, but it isn’t enough.

    Like

  5. Nearly knocked out my front teeth putting on underpants, would have been a terrific story but holy balls!

    Like

  6. Socks are lethal. The washing machines eat as many as they can, for our protection, but they are losing the battle.

    Like

  7. New motto: Always blame the socks.

    Like

  8. Socks should come with a warning label on the bottom. Of course when you read it you are going to fall over.

    Like

  9. Or, like… you could sit on your bed to put on your socks… Right? o.O

    Like

  10. THIS IS WHY I AVOID SOCKS.

    I’m pretty sure socks are the number one cause of death to the inherently clumsy

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Complete Control: Adult Children Of Narcissists.

  11. This is the reason I don’t wear socks. They’re deadly.

    Like

  12. Socks hate us. This is why half of them flee out the dryer vent at the first opportunity. I’d hate me too if I stepped on me all day.

    Like

  13. It is excellent news that Meemaw is doing well!

    Also, matching socks are bad luck… so maybe try mismatching them for better luck? (I tell my four heathens this because they refuse to help me mate socks and with 5 people … that is a hella lot of socks.)

    Like

  14. You close your bedroom door? You have cats, a kid, a husband. Isn’t that just an act of futility?

    (I close my bedroom door because we have cats, a kid and a husband. It gives a small illusion of privacy for a few seconds a day. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  15. Yay for Meemaw!

    And what the hell, socks? Get it together.

    Like

    Jess recently posted BSC 14: Hello, Mallory.

  16. MY mother picked meemaw for her grandparent title too!!! Best one ever in my opinion. She calls the grandkids ‘moon pies’ Is Victor a ‘moon pie?’ or is that just my mom?

    Like

    elliwest2014 recently posted Late night trouble with the iPad.

  17. New theory: the socks are taking their revenge on us for becoming separated from their partners in the laundry. They know blaming us won’t bring the other socks back, but they’re just so angry at the world.

    Like

  18. I hate when your socks conspire against you. It happens more than most people think.

    Like

  19. I am often injured while putting on foot wear. So I stick to flip-flops, except catch one of those the wrong way on the stairs and it is see you later alligator!😉

    Like

    The Dose of Reality recently posted Pinterest Nightmare #001:The Nightmares That Still Haunt Us.

  20. I think I made some of the figure skating faces, while looking at the figure skating faces. It’s like and Escher sketch…or and etch-a-sketch…or something…

    Like

  21. Socks sure are vicious garments. Perhaps they should be outlawed?

    Like

    Andreas Heinakroon recently posted The future is autonomous.

  22. Speaking of socks,I think I’m coming down with bronchitis and last night I couldn’t find clean socks so I just put on flip flops. When questioned about my shoe choice since I’m sick, I told people it took too much energy!

    Like

  23. “You know when you’re putting on your socks while you’re walking out of the bedroom and your left sock doesn’t want to cooperate so you have to sort of pause while bent over and you start to lose your balance so you just rest your head on your closed bedroom door while you pull on the rest of the sock, but then your husband comes in and when he pushes the door open he totally knocks you over and then he sees you on the floor with one sock on and an angry, accusing look on your face and he’s like “What the hell are you doing on the floor?” and you tell him that he hit you with the door and he says that it’s not possible because he would have heard your head hit the door, but you explain that there was no way to hear the thump because your head was already resting on the door because of your socks, and then he just looks at you like it’s your fault.” LONGEST (and funniest) SENTENCE EVER!

    Like

    Sarah Baker recently posted Birth Father Rights – Sound Off.

  24. I wear the heels out of all my socks. I think there is a heel joke in here somewhere.

    Like

    Kathleen recently posted Winter Lemon.

  25. Where the heel are my socks?

    Like

    Kathleen recently posted Winter Lemon.

  26. I got up to tend to a crying baby last night and misjudged where I was in the room when I got back in bed. Rather than flopping back down onto a pile of pillows, I plowed face first into the wall. I have a purple lump on my forehead this morning, and I can’t even offer people a good injury story. So things that could also kill you: crying babies, walls, the dark.

    Like

    Alicia recently posted Hairspray.

  27. the star wars wampa head? oh my god. makes me wish I was crafty, too. just to make wonky shit. why is their fireplace fuzzy? like it’s really porn?

    Like

  28. I always wondered by the verb “to sock” meant to punch in the head. Thanks for the insight.

    Like

    Anubis Bard recently posted Winter sunshine.

  29. That’s why God invented flip flops.

    Go Meemaw! Hope she’s pinching cute male nurses.

    Like

  30. I’ve been waiting for someone to reveal socks for the shifty criminals that they are. My socks act like Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption and try to escape every single time I do laundry by clinging to the insides of cotton shirts thinking I won’t find them there.

    Like

  31. I had socks try to kill me on a flight of stairs once. That incident led to the understanding that morphine doesn’t kill pain for me, it just kills my sense of humor.

    Scary what you will learn in an ER.

    Like

  32. Yay for Victor’s Meemaw!! Love it when there’s good news somewhere before getting to enjoy one of your posts. :-)

    Socks are evil. Period. That would be why I only put them on if I have to leave the house and why I love summer and sandal weather.

    Like

  33. Were they matching socks or non-matching socks? These things matter.

    Like

  34. 36
    SqualorHouseGail

    What she (Erin Foster) said!!!

    P.S. Did you see the MST3K mirror???

    Like

  35. My balance is so bad that I always sit and sock.

    Like

  36. My long socks almost killed me yesterday. I was changing the baby’s mattress and my long sock got stuck under the mattress and I couldn’t stand up. I tried to use the other foot as leverage, and then that foot got stuck too. It was ridiculous. Long socks kill.

    Like

  37. I bought a bunch of those really short socks (they probably don’t even qualify as socks. If there are sock parameters). They are awful. They end up somehow creeping down in my shoes while I wear them, until they are 80% off and just bunched around my toes.

    Anyway. Thank you for posting a link to my Wampa head! He’s staring at me right now.

    Like

  38. My feet have severe sock anxiety. My toes are extremely claustrophic. Socks are truly evil.

    Like

  39. I bought a bunch of those really short socks (they probably don’t even qualify as socks. If there are sock parameters). They are awful. They end up somehow creeping down in my shoes while I wear them, until they are 80% off and just bunched around my toes.

    Anyway. Thank you for posting a link to my living room! It’s basically one big arts and crafts project.

    Like

    ournerdhome recently posted Wall-Mounted DIY Star Wars Wampa Head.

  40. Socks are evil!!!

    Like

  41. Not in reference to this post, exactly, but thinking of you, Jenny, and all that you do and that you go through helps me with a wide variety of challenges in my own life. Thank you.

    Like

    Jenny Williams recently posted Star Trek: The Next Generation Mystery Game.

  42. I have this thing about not wearing ski boots in the house, mostly because I figure they’ll track in a lot of dirt. Last Monday, I forgot my phone in the kitchen as usual and went in to retrieve it. I looked at my boots and took huge strides on the hardwood floors. I snatched the phone, spun around and slipped. I smacked my head on the corner of the wall. Thank God I had put on my ski hood and hat or it would have split my head open. Next time I’ll wear a helmet.

    Like

  43. I think you have a strong lawsuit on ya hands against the sock manufacturer. Thanks for having spellcheck bc I like totally cannot spell manufacturer. I had to cheat and look up where the spellchecker helped me.

    Like

  44. I may have lost some brains cells, since I keep doing spaced out crap like losing my favorite jacket, forgetting to wear my knee brace before skiing and posting my comment before linking my latest blog post….

    Like

    susielindau recently posted I Had a Little Adventure While You Were Dancing! A Photo Essay.

  45. I’m the poster girl for “Death by Birkenstock.” One slippery deck, a worn pair of Birks, and two little dogs that needed to pee at 11:00 at night. Went down several stairs on my butt, landing spread eagled on concrete. Nearly 20 years later I still have a dent in my behind. When I crawled upstairs, my husband said he thought he’d heard a noise, but just thought I’d dropped some books.

    Like

    TexasTrailerParkTrash recently posted Just Substitute “Newt” for “Nate”.

  46. Yep…..totally happens to me, too….or the absence of socks because you’re a little lazy andwhile walking down the stairs your big toe getS caught in the flappy legs of your pajamas because you’re a little pigeon toed so you stumble down the stairs and hit the wall. Yeah that crap happens to me too!

    Like

  47. All the more reason to go barefoot. I’m glad meemaw is doing well.:)

    Like

    jasteck recently posted What if Apolo Anton Ohno Skated for Russia?.

  48. I cannot dress and walk at the same time. Pulling my shirt over my head while in any forward motion and I will whack my elbow on a door frame. Just the fact that you were trying to put socks on your feet while your feet were moving blows my mind.

    Like

    Marianne recently posted Romance.

  49. Socks are out to get us all. Watch out, people.

    Like

    Steph recently posted Peeing Is Important..

  50. I have always believed that socks are sinister. How awful do you feel after having a Bad Sock Day, when the seam is just in the wrong place, and you can’t make it stop killing your little toe? Good socks are like good bed linens- hard to find but completely necessary.

    Like

  51. Never mind feline assassins, socks are the real hidden terror, it seems, Jenny.
    Glad to hear meemaw is doing well.

    Like

    The Hook recently posted Are You Kidding Me, Arizona?.

  52. Who knew socks could be so lethal as well as infuriating! Here’s hoping you are OK…

    Like

  53. All sorts of things are plotting to kill my husband. Basically, any object in the house is probably right now coming up with schemes that involve tripping up, falling on, hiding from or otherwise antagonising the poor guy.

    I don’t suffer from the same persecution, but I am (generally) sympathetic.

    Like

    Eleanorjane recently posted Women, for the love of all that's holy - wear a suit!.

  54. Also slippers. In Portland OR, we have to have calf-high, fleece, rubber-soled slippers. One day I slipped while (heh) slipping them on. Fell on my back after bouncing my head off the laundry basket. Two minutes later, Dave is upstairs wondering what I did to myself. Luckily, I pulled up my pants before he came in the room because THAT would have been embarrassing.

    Like

  55. As usual love Jenny`s warped fabulous humor!! Mostly impressed you were able to locate 2 socks juxtaposed in an actual sock drawer. Who does that? I must often wait for my Golden Retriever Max to throw up the second sock that I have been trying to locate to the pair I have chosen to wear. This may take minutes or days. Sometimes my yard manager will pointedly show me an odd item with pink detailing in the distant front yard…and boom there it is my pair is completed!

    Like

    housewiveofblogdom recently posted DHARMA.

  56. 59
    racheltoalson

    I usually have that same problem with pants…you know how you get one foot in and the other one gets caught in the crotch so you lose your balance and strain your wrist trying to catch yourself on the dresser in front of you? Yeah, that’s me. Almost every time.

    Like

    racheltoalson recently posted On my shelf 2.23.14.

  57. You need to stop closing doors. But yeah, socks are deadly. Besides the not going on, there’s the sliding across floors and the twisting inside your shoe. Evil things, socks.

    Like

    Shawn recently posted Best part of two broken legs.

  58. Wow, its seems like your husband still has the ability to knock your socks off lol…very funny story, thanks for sharing:)

    Like

  59. Don’t wear socks, that’s the best way to keep safe mate. Enjoy the last hours of this weekend.

    Like

  60. Totally read that as ice pick.

    Wow–Jenny was really angry about this one…!

    Like

  61. Just don’t put sock on at the top of the stairs. Or while a hyper puppy is around.

    Like

    Rachel recently posted Is My Mother A Cougar? The Great Debate Of 2014.

  62. 65
    purplepenguin

    The Olympic Figure Skating Faces. Hmmm, sometimes I make those faces when I put makeup on. LOL Actually, I think the one in suspenders looks like Urkell, without the glasses, of course.

    Like

  63. Socks will kill you every time. They want to run free. Yet we stick them in smelly tennis shoes. So, actually, they have a point…

    Like

    HogsAteMySister recently posted A Whimpering Old Woman.

  64. Who eats only that small of an amount of Jelly Belly’s at one time? Or even would need to store that amount? I must be an addict because I’m sitting at PVD and just consumed an entire bag of SOUR JB’s. That or I’m really bored from having sat here for 3 hours already with 2 still to go. Airports make me wish my husband were hitting me in the head with a door…..

    Like

    AmberLynn Pappas recently posted Woof.

  65. Re the Sleigh bed. Hubby and I just bought a new bed and spent hours walking around the corners of every bed in every shop to make sure the legs didn’t stick out too much. When we stay at my Mum’s we both lose our little toes three times a day on the bed legs that stick out just a bit too much, or dent our shins on the bed corner. It’s such an important aspect of bed design that too many people overlook and then end up with dislocated little toes.

    Like

  66. The socks have broken away from the other garments in my house to form their own resistance group. They recruit in the dryer I believe – selecting lonely socks that feel like they “don’t fit in”. I’m pretty sure they have a sleeper cell going on in my dresser right now. I hate socks too.

    Like

    thetattootourist recently posted To Seattle, With Love.

  67. Socks are complicated. Ask my three year old.

    Like

  68. yay Meemaw! Well done! Heal well! The Interwebs are happy you’re on the road to healing!

    Socks. Well, yes. What do you expect from a garment named after a President’s cat? Just sayin’.

    Like

  69. By the time Sunday afternoon hits, I’m already thinking about work on Monday, which is a HUGE bummer. Luckily, I know the weekly wrap up will pull me back into the moment and put a smile on my face — helping to stave off Monday morning for a little bit longer. So thanks for that!

    Like

    Jana recently posted Mad as a Hatter.

  70. If you wouldn’t wear socks, you wouldn’t have this particular problem. I have a thing about being able to feel seams so I don’t wear them often. Works for me.

    Like

  71. Socks are rude. They always do that shit to me, I’m definitely gonna die someday cause of them. I have a huge bruise right now from this EXACT SITUATION.

    Rude.

    Like

    kellml289 recently posted I am far too involved in not real life…..

  72. Whenever my parents would wax our hardwood floors we would all be tip toeing around in our socks for a while to avoid injury. It was fun if you were trying to slide around. Not so much if you were rushing to answer the phone…

    Like

    maurnas recently posted Styrofoam Cups.

  73. Good news about MeeMaw! Best wishes for a speedy recovery. Glad she’s doing well!

    Like

  74. 77
    Wendy Roberts

    I always wondered why my son hated socks……Now I know!

    Like

  75. Literally thought this said Memaw would be back and STRANGER than ever in a few weeks. Which is totally fine if that’s how Memaw wants it because I firmly believe that after a certain age you should be able to do whatever the hell ya want, and if Memaw wants to be strange, by God let her be!

    Like

  76. Socks are the devil’s work put on earth to drive us all mad! I have baskets full of mismatched socks and every so often I just dump them all in a bag and donate and start fresh with new socks for everyone. We always end up right back where we started, but for a few weeks we have sock sanity!

    Like

    Erin recently posted About Time- or why a skinny ginger English guy can bag Rachel McAdams.

  77. Yeah, I know that one really well. Finding holes in clothes when you’ve got a blinding hangover is a real task. Somehow they’re never where they were the night before. I give you a taste of that in The Morning After posted here: http://pedersenslastdream.wordpress.com/2014/02/21/the-morning-after/

    Like

  78. 81
    Princess Judy

    And now we know why I’m not an Olympic figure skater…. Well, that and I’m not athletic.

    Like

  79. @Monica the fireplace is artwork done in 8-bit graphics like early generation videogames.

    The skating faces are fantastic — just goes to show you what gravity and centripetal force will do to you when you’re moving fast enough!

    Like

  80. (It’s the seedy underbelly of high-definition, high-speed cameras!)

    Like

  81. Definitely true. Thought I was the only one who has sock issues.

    Better to lean your head on the actual door than the door jamb (jam?), because then when someone comes bursting through, they won’t hit you in the face with the actual door. Not that that’s ever happened to me…

    I especially hate the other Big One: The hole in the sock thing, where you have one toe that is being strangled, but you’d have to take off your shoe to deal with it.

    Like

    stef recently posted A New Direction...but not Fanatically.

  82. I read this yesterday and thus thought of it this morning when I was putting on my socks…I sat down. lol

    Like

    TheFakeGourmet recently posted Sometimes life happens.

  83. I’m absolutely amazed that you even try to put your socks on while standing up. I practically fall over just thinking about it. You are Superwoman!

    Like

  84. When I read, “socks will kill you” I pictured accidently sitting on one of my very sharp sock knitting needles…which is not where you were going at all. Your sewing machine bit was beyond funny. Happy Monday!:)

    Like

  85. I would hope that even though there was no head-to-door thump, that he would have at least heard your body hit the floor.
    Sounds like socks just aren’t worth it. That, or the privacy of closed doors.

    Like

  86. I can’t be certain, but I think it’s possible Victor is trying to kill you. At least, sub-consciously. I’m sure he had something to do with the murderous sock.

    Like

  87. You need an ice-pick? Oops, my mistake. It’s ice-pack. Although an ice-pick seems to be in order. You could use it as a sock-horn. Or a tool for revenge.

    Like

    Diane Holcomb recently posted Should We Outlaw In-Laws?.

  88. Unrelated, but I came across this on tumblr and thought you might laugh. http://strashnimishka.tumblr.com/post/66321202916/bad-taxidermy

    Like

  89. Happy to hear Meemaw is doing well. (I assume Meemah is the equivalent of Nana here in Canada.)

    As for the sock technique, that usually happens to me when I try to take off my boots… except it’s my butt resting against the door… and my head that plows into the closet door when the hubs opens the door at my butt. And the cats laugh, and laugh…

    Like

    Suzanne Lucas recently posted Open Apology to the Google + Follower I Offended Today.

  90. phew… glad I’m in good company when it comes to sock related hazards.

    Like

    Lauren recently posted Tell Me What You Want (what you really really want).

  91. Hi Jenny–
    I was sent a link to a wonderful article about ways to support someone who is depressed. I wanted to share it with your readers. Thanks for letting me borrow your comments page!
    http://www.thedarlingbakers.com/love-someone-with-depression/

    Like

  92. 96
    Doug in Oakland

    So the moral of the story is don’t have socks without protection? On your head?

    Like

  93. I hate socks too. My husband has about 500 pairs of navy and black socks that look exactly the same color to me, so every morning when he asks, “Are these blue or black?” I just pick a color. My dogs also carry dirty socks all around the house, so we have many mismatches. The rule in this house is: “If you can’t find your mate in one week, then you are going in the trash.” Our sock budget is large.

    Like

    patti gregory recently posted What are the Irish Comics?.

  94. hilariously brilliant

    Like

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