Strangest search terms of the week

Once again, the strangest things people were searching for last week that brought them to thebloggess.com:

“ivaginated penis” (I don’t…what?)

“does pegasus really exist?”  (Yes!  But they’re made of plastic zebras and leftover pieces of cows and geese.  So, I guess, no.  Never mind.)

“I lost an hour.”  (It’s probably daylight savings time.  Or alien abduction.  Or daylight savings time invented to cover up a mass alien abduction.)

“How high is Tony Danza?”  (Um…five foot nine.  Assuming that’s what you’re asking.)

“Why does my cat sniff my eyes?”  (You’re not alone.)

“disney epcot donkey for sale”  (Eeyore?)

“If a girl phones a guy and wazzupps him and he doesnt respond what should she do?”  (Probably stop saying “wazzupp.”)

“Sending dick pic to someone and then pretending it was an accident.”  (Mr. Weiner, you need help.  No one is falling for this shit.)

“Real sightings of God”  (Wow.  And you found yourself directed here.  I am so, so sorry.)

“Dreaming about making out with yourself”  (That’s not normal.  Unless you’re David Tennant.  Then it’s weird, but understandable.)

“Can using meth cause ear infection”  (I think you’re doing meth wrong.)

“how to make a homemade nipple stretcher”  (Hang on.  Like, a stretcher for nipples that need to go to the hospital, or a tool to stretch out your nipples?  Either way, I ‘m confused.  Are enormous nipples good?  Honestly, I don’t even know what kind of nipples are in this year.  Now I’m feeling all self-conscious about my nipples.  Great.  Then again, my mom always said, “Fads come and go.  Just wait long enough and it’ll come into fashion again.”  I’m assuming that goes for nipples as well.)

“How to say hello to your muslim neighbor”  (Pretty sure you just answered your own question.)

“When can I punt my dick in?”  (Please, God, tell me that’s a typo.)

“Accidental lesbian caught”  (I didn’t even know we were looking for her.)

“Albino feces after meth use”  (Speechless.)

“carnival people who swap blood”  (You people are just fucking with me now.)

“vagina punch”  (Like, punching a vagina…or a drink made from vagina?  Either way, I think I’m out.)

“Is planting a st joseph statue witchcraft?” (More like Vague-Catholicism.  But, speaking from experience, it doesn’t work.  Burying Saints, that is.  I have no idea if Catholicism works.)

“fucking bitch” (It’s a bit disconcerting that this exact term brought you here.  THANKS, GOOGLE.)

“which end of the banana is the satan’s anus?”  (I’ve always referred to the bottom of the banana as the “bananus.”  Is that the same thing?)

“How to find a dead squirrel in attic.”  (First you get a squirrel…)

“cat yells at me for not answering phone”  (I hate to side with cats, but you shouldn’t have given him a phone if you weren’t going to answer his calls.)

172 replies. read them below or add one

  1. “If a girl phones a guy and wazzupps him and he doesnt respond what should she do?”

    Get back in her time machine to present-day.

    Like

  2. I am also siding with the cat.

    Like

  3. It’s your reactions that always make my day! Thank you for sharing yourself with the world.

    Like

  4. 4
    Jenny Wren from ice-cold Calgary

    Woo hoo I’m first! And I found you through the best of luck, ’cause you’re wonderful

    Like

  5. Well, those are less depressing than what bring people to MY website, drugs, drug charges, red light camera ticket, and of course Water World. That one hurts the most.

    Like

    LeRoy recently posted Are Your Affairs In Order?.

  6. 6
    Jenny Wren from ice-cold Calgary

    Rats. I thought I was first.

    Like

  7. For some reason, your “Eeyore?” made me laugh SO HARD.

    Like

  8. Are you like the Meth Oracle or what? My God. And I was worried about some of the shit I’ve googled lately for my blog. Clearly, I am not the strangest cat on the web.

    Like

    Steph recently posted Blog for Mental Health Project.

  9. Scary thought: They may have all come from the same person and they live next door to you.

    Like

    susielindau recently posted How to Survive the Polar Vortex.

  10. Still chuckling at ‘lost an hour.’ Meth doesn’t go in your ear?

    Like

    Shari recently posted Behind the Closet Door.

  11. I laughed so hard I accidently inhaled some Gatorade I tried to sip right as I started reading. And here I was confused when people started finding my blog by searching for “Do dogs eat rocks?” and “Ugly blue hair”

    Like

  12. I’m sitting here going “how WOULD you punt your dick in? I mean, how would the mechanics work?” And then I realized. DUH. Detachable dick. But I don’t think dildos punt that well.

    Like

  13. I had to google the first one. And the first two were your blog. What a vicious cycle.

    Like

    Jess recently posted BSC #8: Boy-Crazy Stacey.

  14. I am reading this at my desk at work and I think I hurt myself trying not to laugh out loud. People are really weird.

    Thanks for the laugh on a cold, snowy, overall aggravating Monday.

    Like

  15. OMG, Please don’t stop sharing these!

    Like

    Rhonda recently posted One Million Moms Not Needed.

  16. I just cried and spit food on my monitor and now I have to go back to work… Damn you!

    Seriously though, these are hysterical! Please continue to share them!

    Like

    Dean recently posted It's been a while.

  17. You make me laugh on the regular. And of course Beyoncé will always be my all time best laugh ever…this is a close second!

    Like

  18. I’m jealous of your search terms. Mine are usually boring things like, “Help, I think my friends are trying to set me up.”

    Like

  19. How can I find the meth and vagina related posts in your blog? I feel so out of the loop – must catch up.

    Like

  20. “Real sightings of God” – God, the new Sasquatch.

    Like

  21. Why are people searching for these things….

    Like

  22. My latest creepy search term that led to my blog was “brace face porn”. I didn’t realize there was such a thing. But apparently there is, and I lured those folks to my blog by posting about getting braces at age 40. Wow.

    Like

    Shelley J recently posted Hey, my eyes are up here! Talking big boobs, Darwin and God.

  23. My pediatrician told me not to stretch my nipples…just buy a different size.
    WTF!? No not the ones on me…the ones on the bottle, after the peewee stopped taking her milk from the tap.

    Like

  24. “Ivaginated penis” – I don’t even know what that means. I’d Google it but I’d probably end up back at your blog.
    “Accidental lesbian caught” – How do you become an accidental lesbian? I thought you either were inclined that way or not. Or does it mean is the caught lesbian is accident prone?
    “How to find a dead squirrel in attic.” – I know the answer to that one! Go into the attic and take a deep breath in through your nose. You’ll find it really quickly!

    Like

    manuregurl recently posted HELP! Am I really that “off-putting” and horrible?.

  25. HAHAHAH…

    According to hubs, the only good squirrel IS a dead squirrel. I don’t think he means it, though.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Public Service Announcement. You Will Thank Me..

  26. I’m going to be wondering about nipple stretching for the rest of the day. Maybe a breastfeeding thing?

    Like

  27. I don’t even… what? Who ARE these people?? And why are they allowed internet access??

    Like

    stef recently posted One Year Later--A Look Back Down the Rabbit Hole.

  28. “which end of the banana is the satan’s anus?”

    I just have to say.. I didn’t know that the end of a banana was called anything else… other than the end of a banana…. I think I’m going with bananus from now on though.

    Like

  29. OK, I don’t have to wonder about nipple stretching anymore. Don’t Google it unless you are prepared to be freaked out and start having your breasts ache in sympathy!

    Like

    Jana recently posted The “Ewes” of New York.

  30. I dig your responses to these so much.

    -Angie

    Like

  31. Where did you say that reddit scares you? I can’t find it again. Anyway it scares me too. It makes me feel better to tell you.

    (I think I tweeted that once. It’s better now though. Five years ago it was a pretty harsh place to be a girl, but now it’s a bit better. I’m still not on it though. ~ Jenny)

    Like

    Cathie Dunklee-Donnell recently posted Be There When You Can’t: Part 2.

  32. I had someone search my blog by searching: “I want to loose my virginity to my dog”

    WTF?

    Like

    Teri recently posted People I'd kick out of the country if I could.

  33. Albino…whaaaa? Oh help our species….

    Like

  34. Clearly, someone is getting a unicorn for Easter, am I right?!

    Like

    The Dose of Reality recently posted Would You Rather: Have A Fully Carpeted Kitchen Or Master Bathroom?.

  35. I lose an hour all the time. I used science to find out what happened. The centripetal force from my children accelerated the gravitational pull in my area causing my time to slow down.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Blind Date that Sucked, literally and figuratively....

  36. Ok, this needs to be a book. I think you should commission illustrations and collages of these scenarios and suggest people put Pop Rocks in their mouths as they thumb through the pages.

    Like

  37. “Accidental lesbian caught” To be fair, I never had tequila before.

    Like

  38. “Why does my cat sniff my eyes?” Is much better than, “I think my cat is trying to steal my breathe when I sleep.” Stephen King, you have scarred me for life…

    Like

    Woman_on_Pause recently posted M.R.I. – Miserable Ridiculous Idiocy Part II.

  39. “which end of the banana is the satan’s anus?”

    This is why I love you, you have your shit straight.

    Like

  40. Not only are these terms and your responses hilarious, but getting to read (or reread) past posts of yours that led to these terms being possible to lead them here makes for even more fun! It’s posts like these that make my week!

    Like

  41. While porn references still dominate my blog’s search terms (I swear it’s a family friendly blog, really), I am disappointed that “Hayden Christiansen porn” has fallen off the list. Though it has been delightfully replaced by “dog with tennis balls in mouth” and “porn while in corner.”

    Also, I think “Homemade Nipple Stretchers” would be a great name for a band.

    Like

  42. I’ve heard smoking can cause ear infections.. Or make them worse? Ugh now I have to Google it.

    Like

  43. 44
    Bernice Goertzen

    Laughed out loud til tears fell – and I’m at work. Btw, really want to know how you time in Winnipeg was?

    (The conference and people were fabulous. Everything else was vaguely nightmarish. Check my twitter feed if you need a full session of whining. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  44. I don’t even remember how I found you, but I’m slightly disappointed it wasn’t the result of an illogical google search. Wonder if the people who came here via them still read and are feeling slightly proud at the shout out.

    On reflection I think it was Beyoncé. I can’t wait for my 15th wedding anniversary.

    Like

    April recently posted Planning a Wizard of Oz birthday party.

  45. 46
    Bernice Goertzen

    oops your time was in Winnipeg…

    Like

  46. I was just looking at my search terms and I was going to do a blog just like this one. Is it considered plagiarism if I tag you in it as my inspiration? I should know the answer to this as I am an English teacher, but sadly, I do not.

    Like

    lisarpetty recently posted Me and John Cusack.

  47. If the banana has an end that is called Satan’s anus, then it’s clinched the Most Awesome Fruit in the World award, so to speak.

    Like

  48. Fell off the bed laughing! Each one I was convinced was THE FUNNIEST till I read the next one. God I love you! Thanks for the giggles!

    Like

  49. I found this tribe by googlng: Douche Canoe.

    Like

  50. You really can go wrong with David Tennant. I mean if I were him I’d make out with myself all day long. LOL!

    Like

  51. According to this:
    http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/30/fashion/Brazilian-bikini-wax-women-hair-removal.html
    you really can just wait until your personal grooming choices come back into fashion. So I would avoid nipple stretching … it’s so 5 minutes ago.

    Like

  52. Wow. Those are special. I’ve had many weird ones that made me want to put rules on the internet so that I didn’t have to know how many people were searching for “anorexic porn machine”. One of my favourites ever, though, was simply “content”. I’ll never know what syllable the emphasis was on…

    Like

    Kate recently posted mental health mondays :: aftershocks.

  53. Wow. You know what the #1 search term that leads people to my blog is? “interesting facts about Washington Irving”. Clearly, I need to broaden my horizens.

    Like

    marydpierce recently posted Weekly Photo Challenge: Object.

  54. I have to work “bananus” into a sentence today…

    Like

    maitriscraps recently posted Patchouli is Ready for Purchase!.

  55. I love seeing what search terms bring people to my blog. A few of my favorites:
    Why be mums boobs shape like piramids (sic)
    My little pony porn saddle
    strong flapping vagina
    plastic looking fake boobs
    fake boobs hanging down to floor
    ass beard on hipster

    Gotta love wordpress analytics!

    Like

    Nicki Daniels recently posted 10 things I dislike about Super Bowl Sunday.

  56. Imagine what the people at Google get to see every day!

    Like

  57. I see this as a challenge….what’s the most random, weird thing I can search to end up here. I know what I’m doing tomorrow at work!!!

    Like

  58. I’m with maitriscraps in trying to use new vocabulary words in sentences. Pretty sure I was looking for the bananus for last night’s bread pudding.

    Like

  59. 60
    Linda Workman

    Is it pronounced ba-nay-nus? or ba-nah-noos? I want warn people there is a bananus, but I want to make sure I’m pronouncing it correctly.

    (Buh-NAY-nus. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  60. Offering another possibility for nipple stretchers… What if it’s a stretcher for transporting humans that is … made of nipples? Wait, nevermind. That’s even more disturbing than anything that could possibly exist in reality. I take it all back.

    Like

  61. There could’ve been some penis punting at the Super Bowl yesterday! Or maybe I just don’t understand football. There was some form of punting.

    Like

    Melanie recently posted Look at this Photograph....

  62. “How to find a dead squirrel in attic.”

    My first thought in answer was “Delicious, but only if it’s fresh and properly seasoned.” DON’T JUDGE ME!

    Like

  63. Yes, I liked you before. Lots. But with the David Tennant comment you REALLY got me. You are brilliant!

    Like

  64. Ok, bananus made me laugh really hard. But which end is the bananus? The part where they are all attached to one another, or the other end?

    Like

  65. laughing, trying to hold it in at my desk but
    …tears are running down my cheeks at my desk.

    Like

  66. You get the best search terms! But I really have to wonder why those terms send people to your blog when there are at least some of them that you don’t address. Weird. And some people are totally insane, and not in the good way.

    Like

  67. Ahahaha! I would go to a concert of the Homemade Nipple Stretchers. Are they hardcore?

    Like

  68. Pure gold. Every one.

    Like

  69. I have been having the saddest, weepiest, pitiful last couple of days and reading this today totally made me laugh out loud! Thank you!

    Like

  70. These are hilarious! The only weird one I got so far was “What did mom’s go through during the great depression” lol

    http://mommyinspiration.wordpress.com

    Like

  71. Awesome, the best writing is often found between the (….)’s. Just this very day I finished reading all of your archived posts. Seems like years ago when I first started off with FUCKING SHIT, WE’RE IN BUSINESS (and, yes, cursing does make everything funnier). In real time it took me about five months, which is only slightly less time than it took for me to watch all of Breaking Bad when a friend of mine dared me to watch just the pilot. I’m now considering starting Dr. Who. I wonder WHO suggested that one? Anyway, thanks for the loss in productivity at work (my boss wants to stab you a little) and for the annoyed looks of my wife when I’m not really trying to compete with her when watching Wheel of Fortune because I have your blog up on my laptop (she looks stabby too but I think it’s directed more at me or maybe Vanna because she doesn’t really like her, but probably me.)

    I also have to apologize for stealing your phrase “Douche Canoe” when somebody frustrates (not fusstrates) me. I usually only say it in my head though. Today I found a flip book of insulting terms that is split down the middle so you can randomly flip the first half independent of the second half to come up with random douche canoey type terms. The first one I generated was Jizz Waffle. I like it. The phrase, not the food. Jizz Waffles actually sound terrible no matter how much syrup you use. So I am going to use that phrase from now on. But always in my head. Unless it’s in a comment section of a blog post, or on twitter, or facebook. Probably not facebook because my Mom can see that.

    Like

  72. Ed Gein made a belt out of human nipples. Perhaps the person searching for stretching their nipples has outgrown their belt…

    Like

  73. i think the world would be a much happier place is tony danza’s talk show were still on the air.

    Like

    Simone recently posted Are book trailers worth it?.

  74. omg, dying. Your comments… I think this needs to be a regular feature on your blog. Thanks for making me LAUGH!!

    Like

    kathleensummers recently posted Scrapbooking 2014; my take on Project Life.

  75. My cat dialed 911 once.

    Like

  76. You make me laugh out loud.
    Also I have some pix for you from a trip to London last last year. Lots of taxidermied critters from the second-best taxidermy shop in London. If you want me to send them please send me an email.

    Like

  77. I wanna be there when David Tennant makes out with himself. That’s hot.

    Like

  78. Maybe Nipple Stretcher™ is like Hamburger Helper™ but for people who don’t waste any part of the pig?

    Like

  79. I swear I read somewhere either on Twitter or your blog which books Hailey was enjoying and all the responses for good books… where can I find that! I’ve searched high and low and can’t seem to find it anywhere…

    (Here you go: http://thebloggess.com/2013/09/something-about-september/ . ~Jenny)

    Like

  80. Thank you Jenny!
    (Love your blog!)

    Like

  81. OMG! I am dying over some of these!!! It really makes you question what is happening with some people. So incredibly funny and scary– but mostly funny.

    Like

    YourMotherIsADirtyGirl recently posted I give the illusion that I’m sexy and people believe it. You can fool them too!.

  82. I am afraid to tell you of the odd search terms that lead to my blog.

    Like

  83. Thank you I needed that.

    Like

  84. 85
    blair not my website but super funny

    BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA Hilarious post!!!! I also found this other new hilarious blog thought u might like it http://monsooninparadise.squarespace.com/ #whitegirlsweek

    Like

  85. Agreed! Please publish these after a year or so of collecting them. Your responses are equally hilarious as the search terms themselves! Had to share this with my husband…..he just shook his head in disbelief.

    Like

    AmberLynn Pappas recently posted Mommy Fail.

  86. 87
    Vernita Runfeldt

    you could make a book just out of this subject – and I’d buy copies to hand out on the street….

    Like

  87. This is too funny. I love seeing what brings people to my blog. None are nearly as funny as yours though!

    Like

  88. I am jealous that WP gives you search terms at all. Mine always says ‘none’ or ‘not available’ . Whatever.

    Thanks for the laugh! :)

    Like

    TheFakeGourmet recently posted Who wants a FREE cookbook? (Yeah…it’s a contest!).

  89. David Tennant making out with himself? Sounds like Doctor Who fanfic. Fanfic I would totally read.

    Like

  90. I love these. Make me snicker every time.

    In addition to the many and varied requests for stick people doing dirty things, today I’ve got “cat noise like underwater.” …Which is actually an appropriate hit, and also a truly heartbreaking sound. I made this noise for my vet once, trying to describe what was going on with my sick kitty. Apparently I am unusually skilled at it.

    Good to know where my strengths lie in life.

    Like

  91. Re: Homemade nipple stretcher – You’re so blissfully innocent. It depends on what kind of nipple stretching they’re trying to do. They could be trying to go up a gauge in piercing jewelry. They could be actually trying to make their nipples bigger. Or they could be attaching clamps and weights for S&M nipple stretching.

    You know you’re glad you know me.

    Like

  92. 93
    vegetarianzen

    I love reading these! Most of the searches leading to our site are at least mostly relevant. Which is good, but also boring! : )

    “Chick pea jelly oven” I think would have to be the strangest. We’ve also had some in Chinese.

    Like

  93. I am so happy to see this is a weekly thing now- thank you.

    Like

  94. Someone just got to my blog by searching ‘sex in rubber shoes’

    My suggestion would be to take them off. Then burn them. Then go to confession for buying them. Unless they are flip flops…then it’s okay.

    Like

  95. If you get an ear infection and shit like an albino then clearly meth is not the drug for you.

    Like

    Sandy the Fearless Scribe recently posted Guess who's co-hosting the Collective Blog Hop?.

  96. Thank you for making me snort coffee through my nose, he he he! (You probably don’t want to know the varying options that the ‘nipple stretching’ could be about….) This should totally be a book. Also, can we please get a video of DT making out with himself? It would be just as awesome as him and John Barrowman kissing.

    Like

  97. Too funny! It’s amazing all the random traffic you get from a Google search. You sure get a lot of crazies (me not included of course…)

    Like

    Tess @ Tips on Life and Love recently posted Happy Year of the Horse: Our Favorite Equine Books.

  98. you should totally add a chapter to your next book of ‘strange searches that brought people here’

    Like

  99. I bet Elton John would know: “Hold me closer, Tony Danza … ”
    Just a guess on my part though.

    Like

  100. is that banana peeled or still in the wrapper?

    Like

  101. Jizz waffle is the best insult I’ve heard since, well, douche canoe. Thank you Arionis.

    And is nipple stretching a thing now? Because I’m going to have to respectfully decline and stay with the ones I came with.

    Finally, I always think it’s gotten about as bizarre as it can get around here. I’m always proven wrong. This place is the Austin (Keep Austin Weird) of the internet.

    p.s. I sent some books for you and Hailey that were sequels to some you’d mentioned reading (Bunnicula). Did you ever get them?

    Like

  102. Umm… obviously the “vagina punch” is a refreshing beverage. You know, for when your lady garden is thirsty.

    Like

  103. I am crying right now……and snorting – I’m a mess really……but a happy mess! :)

    Like

  104. laughing so hard it hurts. ‘how to make a homemade nipple stretcher’ was a childless, a non-breastfeeder, or a man (or any combination?). because hungry babies are homemade (so to speak) nipple stretchers. they take the nipples straight to the national geographic level.

    Like

  105. 107
    @shthisisme

    I seem to remember some possible vagina punching when reading the archives of your blg. And jizz waffle is genius. I’ve learned so many creative ways to vent my displeasure at certain people. My therapist’s eyebrows keep hitting the ceiling.

    Like

  106. I’m amazed there is anyone left who doesn’t come directly here on purpose

    Like

    Cat recently posted Madame Helene.

  107. I just need to say it. I love you!

    Like

  108. I love it when you share these. Don’t stop!

    Like

  109. I am always impressed and envious at the creativity your blog inspires. I’m still stuck pornhunters. The Ukrainians are being outpaced by the Estonians this week. And “circle jerk” reappeared as a search term.

    Like

  110. Hilarious! So glad you share these!

    Like

    KLY recently posted Tricking the Muse – How to beat Writer’s Block.

  111. I laughed so hard at banananus!

    Like

  112. Omg, new pepto commercial has a stuffed squirrel in it and it reminds me of you..mames me giggle every time. My husband is the one that showed me originally saying it reminded him of you…. I always show him your posts!

    Like

  113. I’m waiting for the Brazilian wax fad to be over so that I can go to a gynecologist again. I never got into the fad but I don’t want my doctor to think I’m old.

    Like

  114. the amount of hate I’ve been getting on my blog lately, I wouldn’t be surprised if google labelled me as “THE fucking bitch”

    Like

  115. 117
    Yeah, no thanks

    Yes, meth use can cause ear infections.

    Like

  116. I should really know better than to read this in class… usually leaves me disrupting a lecture with my laughter. You’re brilliant with your comebacks.

    Like

  117. I aspire to one day have a Lawsonesque list of Google search terms. Mine are all typos. Or, at least, they’re not words.

    Like

  118. I would imagine that an ear infection would be lower on a potential meth user’s list of negative side effects…

    Like

    Psychobabble recently posted It’s Alive!.

  119. The other day I googled “weird corners of the internet” and it brought me here. I mean, I already was an avid reader but that made me happy.

    Like

    Portia Turner recently posted The End is in Sight!.

  120. My 18 year old son and I don’t get always get to spend good, quality time together, but today we were able to sit together and giggle. We won’t ever be able to eat bananas together without choking on them.

    Like

  121. oh. oh god. I really needed this. This made me laugh so, so hard. I feel so much better now. I didn’t even know I was feeling down until I wasn’t anymore.

    Like

  122. Two people just came over to my Etsy shop from here. I am scared to know which of the above searches translated to “Go see Dr Brassy”.

    Like

    Dr Brassy recently posted Steampunk Necklace Imperial Sightmares Pocket Watchers Eye with Purple Haze in Black Case by Dr Brassy Steampunk by DrBrassysSteampunk.

  123. Ooh, I’d forgotten about your saint burying. I feel this is a topic I need to explore in more depth (saint burying in general, mind you, not in your specific case).

    Like

  124. Couldn’t a vagina punch be a paper punch in the shape of a vagina? You know, like a heart or flower punch in the scrapbooking aisle.

    Like

  125. I wish I remembered what I typed in the first place to get me to your blog. Most likely “a jazzy woman, that can make me laugh” but it could have been anything.

    Like

  126. You win. My best were:

    — John Elway sucks

    — Lake Waco murders

    For a humor blog.

    Which explains a lot.

    Shit.

    Like

    HogsAteMySister recently posted Bug Guts and Stick Dragons.

  127. First you find a squirrel . . . HA! Thanks for the happy start to my (early) day.

    Like

  128. I would guess that you stretch a nipple the same way you stretch your ear? I’m trying to imagine what it would look like now when stretched enormously. And how much money the plastic surgeon is going to make when that person goes to them in 20 years to get it put back the way it was.

    Or maybe use a butchers hook – you know like those people that like putting them in their bodies and then hanging off them……

    Honestly, I don’t watch strange TV programmes…..

    Like

  129. I think you’ve touched on something important with alien abductions and daylight savings.

    Like

  130. this made me think of you – next trip to Canada, check it out

    Like

  131. My mother used to say if you laughed before breakfast, you’d cry before dinner – you’ve officially proved her correct. I laughed so hard I cried. Thanks for that.

    Like

  132. YW Krista. Feel free to use it and use it often.

    Like

  133. Shit like an Albino… wasn’t that the B-side to Walk like an Egyptian?

    Like

  134. Holy Cow… I live in the Philadelphia area. We’re just recovering from our latest snow storm and getting hit with 2 more this week. My back hurts from shoveling, I’m cranky (aka – bitchy), feel I’ll never see sun or green grass again. I’m a Broncos fan and we all know how Sunday went. I have nothing to live for.

    This post changed all that! Thanks for brining some much-needed laughter into my world! Love you, Jenny!

    Like

  135. “Thebloggess.com: Your Number One Spot For Ivaginated Penis!”

    How do you like your new tagline, Jenny?

    Like

  136. I really don’t know how you get anything done. Seriously, if I had this many google searches to go through, I’d never leave my computer. It’s like a present from google every day. You’re so lucky google likes you so much…

    Like

    Plumsauce10 recently posted The origins of my Plum... that didn't sound right..

  137. 139
    davidbreslin101

    First one- is “ivanginated” a typo for “invaginated”? A male-to-female sex change involves “inverting” the skin of the penis to make a vagina.
    The name for this procedure, I’ve chosen to believe, is “wazzuping”, which may be why the guy didn’t respond to the girl.

    Like

  138. whatsapp is a free sms (texting) service. ;-)

    Like

  139. Best blog post ever.

    Like

  140. “How to find a dead squirrel in attic.” (First you get a squirrel…) is now my google talk message. thank you for that.

    Like

  141. Okay…your search words are way weirder than mine….and I’m okay with that. I think. Although some of mine are pretty strange. Usually, they have to do with wifely submission. So I guess nope; you win hands down on this one.

    Like

    The Wifely Person recently posted Truth and Memory – When It’s Not The Same.

  142. Okay, okay, okay, you win. The weirdest search term that brought people to my blog was “wino sex misdemeanor WD-40” which I don’t remember ever writing about.

    Like

  143. omg jenny. satan’s anus, albino feces, meth-induced ear infection, accidental lesbians… my most common search terms still have to do with twizzler’s having an expiry date and harry potterville at universal studios. BORING.

    Like

    steph gas recently posted part seven.

  144. Oh wow, that last one just made me laugh so hard. Thanks, I needed that!

    Like

  145. Sundays mean three things for me: church, PostSecret, and the Weekly Roundup. I figure you’re still defrosting from the trip to the ‘Peg. All good.

    Like

  146. SQUIRREL WALL LIGHT.

    I saw this and knew that you needed to know of its existence.
    http://www.rockettstgeorge.co.uk/atelier-randall—squirrel-wall-light-19296-p.asp

    Like

  147. “cat yells at me for not answering phone” (I hate to side with cats, but you shouldn’t have given him a phone if you weren’t going to answer his calls.)

    Uhmmm…my Mom remarks on people not calling her…when they are and she’s not answering or returning her messages..

    I guess cats and Moms are pissy like that. I’m giving the benefit of doubt to the cats on this one.

    “When can I punt my dick in?” (Please, God, tell me that’s a typo.)
    I guess when the time is right? Not my call to make…but good luck with that.

    Thanks for the laughs.

    Like

  148. 150
    Teresa wyatt

    Tummy hurting, eyes watering, oh yeah, I peed myself. You are killing me here

    Like

  149. I’m pretty sure the dreaming about making out with yourself searcher was looking for these xkcds: http://xkcd.com/105/, http://xkcd.com/267/.

    Like

  150. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s snowing like crazy here, I still had to go to work, I dropped my phone in a snow pile, my feet are wet and cold; I am crabby. This made me laugh out loud! Thank you.

    Like

  151. I love that you did this. I go to search terms every morning because I am always sure to find something to make me smile. I am not sure that mine come close to yours though for that.

    Like

    Ann recently posted I Thought I Was Fat.

  152. The internet is by far the most confusing yet awesome place.

    Like

    veronica recently posted Tales from The Preschool.

  153. “Albino feces after meth use”

    I kind of regret eating tapioca pudding while reading this blog post.

    Like

  154. Dear God, I needed that. Thank you. You should believe that you are ridiculously funny. The book was not a fluke and you are not faking it or getting lucky.
    Hugs.

    Like

  155. I keep thinking “no way will there be any new search terms”. Man, was I wrong. These are seriously funny. Some are also slightly horrifying.

    Like

  156. In Epcot, at Italy, when they’re decorated for the holidays there is a donkey. As in Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey. When we saw him I couldn’t stop laughing, and insisted on a picture of him with my husband. I can’t share that, but here’s a link to another picture of said donkey. http://abster630.tumblr.com/post/38896496791/dominic-the-donkey-lol

    I had no idea he as supposedly for sale.

    Like

  157. i’m following the majority of the blogs you follow. I think I’m going to go book 4987 appointments for therapy next week.

    Like

    Laurie Free recently posted Excerpt from my book..titleless at the moment.

  158. I totally belong here. I was going to comment that I have a very weird group of friends, so I know what nipple stretching is and you DO NOT want to Google it. Y’ALL ARE AS WEIRD AS ME! LOVE YOU BUNCHES!

    Like

  159. I am laughing so hard I’m crying! I love it when you share these.

    Like

  160. giggling

    Like

  161. No really why DO cats sniff your eyes????

    Like

  162. 165
    Aileen House

    Oh boy did I think of you…http://www.pinterest.com/pin/68679963041246762/
    Enjoy this! A whole new place for taxidermy :D

    Like

  163. Albino feces. Thanks for giving my brain something to be stuck on for weeks.
    ALBINO FECES?! What the……HUH???

    Like

  164. The only three requirements I have for people in my life is that they make me laugh, use deodorant and brush their teeth. I’m waiving the last two for you. You are my new favorite person.

    Like

  165. Note to self: Don’t read these posts while brushing your teeth. That was hilarious and I now need to clean my computer screen.

    Like

  166. Reblogged this on brainconfetti and commented:

    My goal is to one day attract the sort of blog readers that enter THESE phrases into Brain Confetti’s search engine. By the way, if you haven’t read any of the works Jenny Lawson’s (aka “The Bloggess”), I seriously question our friendship.

    Like

  167. Ha ha.. Homemade nipple stretcher.

    Like

  168. Thank you so much, this post just made my day. I’m up because I’m too depressed to sleep and too tired to do anything productive. Your book was awesome and I love this post, thank you for being awesome.

    Like

  169. sorry to catch on so late. This post had me crying. Thanks for the laugh.

    Like

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