It takes a lot to faze me. Consider me fazed.

in Random Crap

So, I get weird shit in the mail all the time because I have readers who know me and who see weird shit and automatically think of me.  I’d like to think that’s a compliment.  Last week someone sent me a severed hand on a stick.  I’ve gotten scrotums and cobras and a box of dead hamster and books on Victorian venereal diseases and old taxidermy manuals and each time I think “My God, I’ve found my tribe” and Victor thinks “Is it too late to divorce her?”  And the answer to both of these is a resounding “Oh, hell yes“.

And today I opened a box from a reader (Stefano) who I once met at a reading.  He is lovely and Italian and he found this in a small shop in New York and thought I needed to have it because his wife was afraid it was going to eat their faces off while they slept.

She has a point, Stefano.

Hi. You're never going to sleep again.
Hi. You’re never going to sleep again.

Hang on.  I’m shrinking down more pictures.  You need to see the rest of this but it’s publishing slowly.  Probably because this creature is busy eating your computer screen so it can get to you.  Just saying.

More coming…

Photo #2 for everyone going “WHAT IS THAT?”.  It’s a mermaid, you guys.  Obviously.

Like Sea Monkeys if they were on steroids and wanted to eat you.
Like Sea Monkeys, if they were on steroids and then you forgot to feed them and then they crawled out of their tank and wanted to eat you.

It would be easier to say that this terror doesn’t belong in my house, except that it fits perfectly between the insect funeral scenes and the dead mice playing musical instruments.

I didn't even add a filter here. It exudes it's own filter.
I didn’t even add a filter here. It exudes it’s own filter.
It looks shocked. It might be mocking me.
It looks shocked. Or it might be mocking me.  Frankly, everyone in the house looks a lot like this at the moment.

There’s grass and stuff in its mouth and I want to take it out but I’m pretty sure that’s a trick to get you to feed yourself to it.  Not falling for it, mermaid.

Regardless, the bar has been set, people.

Stefano, my hat is off to you.  Also, please clean out a spare bedroom as we will be sleeping at your house until we have ours blessed by a priest.  A young one and an old one.

PS.  Someone asked what the cats think of it.  Ferris Mewler is hidden in a cupboard.  Hunter S. Thomcat is keeping an eye on the situation.

He'll never eat fish again.
He’ll never eat fish again.

564 thoughts on “It takes a lot to faze me. Consider me fazed.”

Read comments below or add one.

  14. Much awesome. Why would anyone want to unsee this? I can think of a few places I wouldn’t want to see him (her? it?) though. First thing when I wake up is one that springs immediately to mind.

  18. That’s pretty horrifying, though I’d say I think sending someone a scrotum is at least a tiny bit weirder. Close call, really.

  21. The good news is that you’ll never be bothered by door to door salesman or Jehovah’s Witness’ ever again if you put this out on your front porch 🙂

  27. AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You warned me on Twitter and I came here to look anyway, what was I thinking????
    (PS Not to be a spelling Nazi but can you please change your “phase” to “faze” for me?)

  29. I’m already having computer issues so this will probably be the last straw!

  34. Well, at least I know what my nightmares are going to be about tonight…

  36. Wait!!! It looks like a petrified Voldemort partial soul that died when Harry died and they were in that weird Kings Cross-like place!

  39. Now that you own this, you must see this. You will probably never sleep again, but it’s a small price to pay.

    (And just quietly, so NOT signing this girl up for my zombie apocalypse team).

  41. That is the most terrifying thing I have ever seen! Hence, I must have one to go in my living room right now.

  49. My first instinct is SCIENCE THE FUCK OUT OF IT and figure out what the hell it actually is…I’m both terrified and fascinated. Also, it’s kind of zombie-trendy (are zombies still a thing?).

  54. I bet that … critter was really fun when it was shambling about and stealing people’s toes.

  55. I really need to know what this is made of. Plaster? Paper mache? An entire mummified deformed child? PCP?

    (My money’s on the PCP.)

  61. She’s keening for a wig and a chiffon neckerchief to compliment her tattered sea lace?

  62. This is awesome. I’m going to have nightmares tonight, but it will be worth it. You need some sort of suspension system so when people come over it will whisk by and grab their hat. Maybe put a box of hats outside for people that don’t have one.

  66. omg that is so rad. I wouldn’t want it in my own house of course. :))

  67. Fishing net, tutu, same diff. She’s awesome. Congrats on the new addition.

  68. Spongebob Squarepants comes to mind: “Ma! Do you wanna buy some chocolate?” But She was a worm and not a mermaid. Still. Definitely looks like her. Weird.

  71. It’s oddly compelling, but I’m still glad it’s at your house and not mine. 😀

  72. Holy shitnipples. I’ve always highly respected but kept a careful distance from your taxidermy stuff. I have a thing, and I can’t explain it, but it keeps me from eating red meat/pork, too. Just makes me shudder. But THIS, this masterpiece. It has changed my heart (or stolen my soul, I’ll get back to you on that.) I love it. It’s… beautiful.

  74. I’ve seen something like that on TV. People thought it was a real mermaid but it was a monkey fused to a fish. But that still didn’t prepare me for this. I expected something disturbing but I thought it was going to act like the girl from The Ring and crawl out of my screen. Oh shit. This page is still open. ..

  75. Are you sure that’s not an oceangoing black Lectroid from Planet 10?

  78. Is it the lighting or that cameras can’t do it justice, but is it…..furry?

  83. By the gods, help me in my geekiness, I actually know what that is… If you were in Northern Canada, this looks very much like a Sedna. It’s a scary-ass creature in Inuit mythology. There are many versions of how she died, but in all of them, she was taken out to sea and thrown out of her father’s kayak and when she tried to catch hold to save herself, he chopped off all her fingers. Feel the love. No wonder she looks pissed….

  85. Tweezers…
    For the grass…
    If it is bothering your compulsions but you don’t want to use your fingers. Jenny, please don’t use your fingers. Because I love it, and also don’t want you to feed it. You know how it is.

  91. If you stick your fingers in its mouth, it will eat them. Resist the temptation. And get that thing exorcised STAT.

  92. Bloody hell, THIS is the one thing that will scare me more than the old statues at The Palace of Fine Arts in SF.

  93. Yes, what Stan said. And as a mermaid scholar (it’s a thing, I swear) I am really jealous.

  95. Of course the sensitive middle child chose that moment to walk behind me and peer over my shoulder at the computer screen….

  102. It looks like you just busted it doing something really embarrassing. Its face says to me “Wait, this isn’t what it looks like! I can explain! DON’T TELL MY PAROLE OFFICER!”

  103. It’s the eyes, those black soulless eyes, they…

    Oh, hello. How are you? I welcome our Mermaid overlords, don’t you? Come look closely…

  104. 1)I feel like she needs a single glittery bow on her head. Red perhaps. Ruby slippers style.

    2) I long to hear the back story of how this creature came into existence in the first place. It’s got to be amazing!

  106. Me again. Halloween will be awesome for you this year. I can just imagine this darling creature greeting the neighborhood kiddies at the door, while dead mice play instruments on the porch and Beyonce hands out eyeball candy. By the way, I think you should name this one “Demonica Lewinsky”. EPICNESS.

  107. That’s not a mermaid. IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING GRINDYLOW. A water demon. For God’s sake, they grab little children with their sinewy hell-arms and drown them if they come too close to the water’s edge. KILL IT WITH FIRE. IMMEDIATELY.

  110. Why? And why does it look like the expression changes just a little bit in each photo?

  115. “It exudes it’s own filter” has me in stitches, either that or I am so terrified. Kind of like when I was a kid and got the giggles at funerals. I am revisiting that moment right now. I love creepy but this is beyond creepy. Someone please send Jenny some Sage to burn. Stefano, that means you!

  116. omg, it’s a dead Bubble Guppie.I hope it’s Deema, she is fucking annoying.

  118. I think we now know what was inside the box at the end of the movie “Seven.”

  121. If the insect funeral scenes start looking empty, you know what/who to blame.

  122. I’ve just added an item to my bucket list. Before I die, I want to take a tour of your house… or at least the rooms that have all of the weird stuff.

  126. I was thinking that I was jealous of the things your fans send you. Till I saw this shit. Thanks for the permanent insomnia for the rest of my life. Which is probably not going to be long as that thing has already started devouring my soul through my laptop’s screen.

  129. It’s times like this that I have to laugh, because I just shouted “Jesus-tap dancing-Christ, Jenny, why?” And then I thought that maybe you wouldn’t appreciate me calling you by name since I have never met you, and then I worried that you might not like me shouting about Jesus at you, and then I wondered when tap dancing was invented, you know on the off chance that Jesus really did….. you know what, never mind. I was about to try to go to sleep, but now that won’t work. Seriously, would you put a warning in the post title next time someone sends you an undead soul-eating mermaid. Is that too much to ask? Because you know someone will.

  131. I feel like reading this post while in bed hoping to sleep SAFELY and soundly was a poorly crafted plan. I’m fairly certain that in any horror movie, that thing would eat someone’s face off.

  133. I really wish I hadn’t just started eating my dinner when I read this.

  137. Perfect for Halloween. Put it on your front steps and put a bowl of candy behind it. Place a note under its hands saying, “Pass me to get candy… if you dare :O”

  139. This is one of those things that is so scary that I have actual tears of fear welling up.

  140. I actually said, “Holy Shit!” when that thing came up on my screen. That’s the most horrifyingly awesome thing I’ve ever had the misfortune to see. It’s the stuff of nightmares.

    BTW, what name have you decided to bestow on this terrible thing?

  141. That’s not just a mermaid. That’s a fucking soul-sucking undead mermaid. I’m assuming this is what happens when dementors have one night stands with mermaids.

  142. I had the unfortunate luck of being in the middle of dinner when I opened this. I froze with the fork in my mouth and could do nothing but stare for a few long moments. Um, congratulations on your new arrival?

  147. This sexy monster is soooo taking a selfie. I just don’t know why his captor didn’t bother to taxidermy his celly?! No artistic vision on his part!

  148. So I’m in bed looking through Twitter and right as the picture pops up my husband jerks in his sleep. I think I wet the bed. That’s terrifying.

  149. That looks like… a Dementor crossed with a Pike. This is worrying.

    Why is this worrying? Because a Pike eats EVERYTHING. A Dementor EATS SOULS.

    Basically, run. The Elder Gods have released their pilot fish.

  150. OK…call me sick and twisted but I see I “human eating fish” with a small toddler stuck in its mouth. The toddler is scared and amazed at what is happening.

  151. It reminds me of The Thing, a, well, thing on display at a roadside museum between Tucson and Wilcox on I-10. The last time we went through there it was still there, surrounded by other interesting items, and cost a buck or two to go through and see “The Thing.” The last remaining oddity of a great era…

  152. Is that one of those things you hang on the wall, push a button, and it sings “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”……???? T:)

  153. That’s the scariest fucking thing ever, & you’re going to LIVE in your house w/it? …please tell me the human end is not real? Bc, that can’t even be legal. So, dinner party at your house? Not. Holy yikes.

  154. You know that show “Oddities?” With creepy mermaids, scrotums, and your stuffed menagerie, you could open your own store whenever you wanted!

  155. It’s hard to believe that someone actually planned for this to look like this. Maybe it’s a plan interrupted and he got lazy and said…”Oh! I don’t want to do anymore…I’ll just slap a fish on the back end…no one will know…

  157. Thank you, Jenny, and special thanks to Stefano. For adding this to be shared forever through the WWW.
    A tidbit: “W” resonates to the number “6” so WWW=666

  159. From his dilated pupils and the angle of his ears, HST looks conflicted. “Should I make friends with it? Should I kill and eat it? But what if it’s already dead? What if eats ME? But I must be brave and protect my humans. Wait, shouldn’t they be protecting me? Must show no fear. MAKE IT GO AWAAAAY!!!”

  161. So I showed this beauty to my 12 year old daughter. Her reply? “What the SHIT, Mom!?!”
    I know- I don’t even try anymore. At least the worry I had about my baby being switched in the hospital has been dispelled. She’s definitely my daughter…

  162. Ahhh yes, and what does it say about your tribe that some of us (like yours truly) immediately both flich and squeal, “OMG, it’s a fiji mermaid?!”

  164. Holy crap, I’d rather watch 6 episodes of Walking Dead in a row than see that again.

    I’ll bet mermaids are actually this scary.

  165. I am pregnant, and this will be what shows up playing the part of my little ‘foetaljuice’ in all my hormone-driven dreams from here on out.

  167. I am worried for you. Get out of the house while you still can. IT WANTS TO EAT YOU DEAD. But in case you were worrying, I’m not worried ABOUT you. This all makes perfect sense to me. Wait, now I’m worried about me… Time for another Xanax.

  168. Well, if you need a priest-ish someone, I am a semi-young ordained minister who has friends who are also old and younger ministers! Pretty sure we’d travel to bless your house and mermaid-like-demon. You just let us know and we can make it happen. Hope you sleep well tonight!

  169. Oh no. I already have stress dreams about work. If this guy (girl?) appears in my nightly mental meanderings I’m calling you, Jenny…at Stefano’s, of course.

  171. What the fuckity fuck?! That is, tell me the skull is not a skull, or at least tell me it’s an ape AND then burn it before it eats the cats

  174. I have gotten a bedpan filled with tootsie rolls in the mail but this takes the cake. Seriously though, what is it really????

  176. I should have heeded your warning on Twitter and not come to check it out… but I just couldn’t leave well enough alone could I?? Good God, that thing is so horrifying. I am disturbed by the fact that Stefano actually bought/owned it. (Also, Jen’s comment above nearly made me wake up my children I was laughing so hard)

  179. I just woke my husband up because I was laughing so hard. He seemed a little mad until I mad him read your post and now he forgives me completely. Just wow!

  181. This thing is obviously in the middle of a rousing rendition of “Part of Your World”, you just need to remove the grass.

  183. This actually made me scream “What the flowery fuck IS that thing?!” out loud. That goddamn voodoo skele-fish is scary enough that it frightened cats in Seattle. That’s like at least 65 states away, if you count Wyoming a few dozen times. I always do, because I feel kinda sorry that hardly anyone lives there. Poor lonely state.

  184. I now aspire to exude my own filter. Brilliant.

    The Little Mermaid is now somewhat tarnished in my head. “Look at this stuff, isn’t it- OH MY GOD!!!!”, and then pee comes out.

    Those liquorice button eyes are not working one bit, either.

    I’m allergic to water, all of a sudden!

  185. Wow, I thought you were talking about the big orange creature sitting behind the mummified mermaid. That’s why I was freaked out!

  187. Jesus fuck. That’s exactly what I needed to see while up with the baby at 1 a.m. No, really. It will ensure I don’t accidentally fall asleep and drop her. Because I’ll likely not sleep for awhile, now.

  189. Are you sure it’s not a dead alien mermaid. Check around for a guy who looks like Rod Serling. Or Fox Mulder. Possibly taxidermied.

  191. Now you need a series of billboards leading to your office advertising “The Mermaid that God Forgot” …in just 18 more steps…12 more paces!…You’re almost there kids!!…Here He Comes!!!…Exit Now for the Death Mermaid!!!!

  192. If it were much, much smaller I would say it belongs in your haunted dollhouse. It’s awesome!

  193. I’m a fairly hard person to scare, probably because I enjoy it so much. For whatever reason, it did not even occur to me that you might have photographed something truly disturbing, because yeah sure, whatever, I can totally handle this.

    I will never doubt you again.

    That is the single creepiest real-life object I have ever seen in my life, and I have to go to bed now, so thanks for the nightmares! kisses

  194. Holy crap I cannot WAIT to show this to my daughter. I will let you know what her 14 year old reaction is. She loves your site, btw and I think she wants to adopt your cats and your daughter, personally. Possibly you too.

    sigh Fortunately for her, I won’t get her out of bed at 2:14 am even though she’s homeschooled and TECHNICALLY she doesn’t have any activities until 7pm tomorrow…hmmm.

  195. It looks lucky. 🙂 I love its “Oh, hey, didn’t expect you to come home early and see me going through your underwear drawer” facial expression. 🙂

  196. All I can think of is American Horror Story and other terrifying movies, books, et. Creeeeeepy.

  197. Terrifying and awesome! I would love one if only I wasn’t so scared that it doesn’t even need to be in the same room to get me. I think it might even be able to suck souls through the computer screen!

    I love the insect funerals by the way!

  199. Needs a crystal ball to look into and a scarf round her noggin, some verdigris and gold jewelry and a small carpet bag to either set close by or dangle from her arm. The Oracle will see for you. Aurelia is a pretty good name.

  200. can I borrow this for my son’s birthday which is also happens to be Halloween because I’m putting this into his bed and I am going to screw with the boy. This is what we do. I know great parenting. Right?

  202. I would imagine it’s a gaff used in some sort of side show attraction. I wonder if they bought it at the shop in oddities?

  203. He’s actually quite sweet looking in comparison to the one I’ve seen in Banff, Canada. That one has pointy teeth and looks not dissimilar to shrunken heads from days of yore.

  207. I am so very scared, right now. Not only will I need to double and triple check my locks, ensure all my doors are firmly closed and check under my bed… I’m somehow going to have to be floating above the ground during it, so this thing can’t get at me.

  209. Waaauw. Never seen anything like it. Wouldn’t want it in my house, though, but I think it is awesome – it would fit in with my books…

  211. What the holy living fuck-crap?? I’m sort of jealous but also, I like sleep. So I’m mostly not. I AM going to have my head blessed though as I think this may crawl out of my thoughts and eat my face while I sleep.

  213. I second the motion to stay out of the house until it’s been blessed. You should probably get a rabbi, an Imam, and a buddhist priest to bless it too — just to cover all your easily accessed bases.

    That thing is so creepy.

  214. Somehow, I pictured mermaids as red-headed.

    Oh wait. That’s Disney. Not Bloggess.

    My mistake.

    Team Stefano’s wife here. I would definitely mail this to you if it were in my living room.

  217. My first impression: That thing’s facial expression looks like an alien who ended up on the wrong end of the probe.

  220. I think I’ll keep my Thor and Egyptian gods collection I have going. None of that will make me wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night.

    Although that scares me, it is also completely fucking awesome. 😀 Bravo Stefano!!

  221. Dang. It’s a fiji mermaid – I know because I drooled (not literally, that would be gross and possibly bring it to life) all over one at a Halloween convention but unfortunately it was too rich for my blood and/or it needed to go home with a virgin so I couldn’t get it. The one I saw was decorated in a crate with fish netting and other things (innocent babies? ) to make it feel like it was at home (in the depths of hell, obviously). You’re a lucky gal and/or about to be overtaken in your sleep tonight. Either way, cool gift!

  222. Nice trick! Glad you figured out the mermaid’s trap to get you to feed yourself to it! Thank God for Hunter! Ferris is probably just waiting for the correct moment to strike..

    I love you Jenny.

    carry on.

  224. OMG you have a sideshow mermaid!! that’s wonderful! ok, so this poor lil dear is a bit… creepifying… but come on! these guys are hard to come by. plus, how would you feel if you were taxidermied onto a carp? I mean a horse, sure, then i’d be the centaur ruler of the galaxy, nach, but a carp? poor lil spider monkey. just keep telling him that this makes him awesome and unique and i’m sure he’ll relax some.

  226. Chelsie | March 18, 2014 at 7:45 pm
    That’s not a mermaid. IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING GRINDYLOW. A water demon. For God’s sake, they grab little children with their sinewy hell-arms and drown them if they come too close to the water’s edge. KILL IT WITH FIRE. IMMEDIATELY.”

    Why does a GRINDYLOW strike a chord with me?? I know that. Where did I learn it? Oh please brain, find the drawer that knowledge is stored in!

  227. Is it weird that I want one, but want to burn that one at the same time? I mean, it’s awesome, but it’s also terrifying. Is their a word for that?
    I think Julie is right – it’s a Grindylow! (Grindylows are in Harry Potter Julie – if that helps you find the brain drawer!)

  228. ACK! Can’t edit replies! “Is THERE a word for that?”
    (I know the difference, really!)

  229. @Julie- Harry Potter.

    I woke up this morning and popped open my iPad to check out what I was missing on the interwebs, and I ended up staring at this, with my 5 yr old daughter (who joined my mid-night after having a nightmare) laying right beside me. I was terrified she would see it and then I would never sleep alone again, but I couldn’t look away. So, thanks for that, I guess…

  231. Oh. My. You are lucky to have such good friends. It’s the eyes that bother me. And the fingers…

  232. It looks like Hunter S Tomcat is planning on eating it the next time you leave the house so… no worries, until you have to take him to the vet or get him exorcized.

  233. Errm.. Right. Well. That’s an image that is never going to leave me. Thanks!

    x

  235. PS Have you read The Wee Free Men by Terry Prachett? I know you like Gaiman and Practchett isn’t really the same sort of thing at all, but the Tiffany Aching series of books are lovely. (And not scary/creepy like the Merthing.)

  237. SHIT SNACKS SCOOBY DO!!!
    I will be with Ferris in the cabinet and we will be sharing Ambien. We will never mention this again.

  241. Oh, phor phuck’s sake…the spell checkers obviously don’t understand that your use of “phased” was not only intentional but necessary in this situation. I think it is a mummified mermaid baby unearthed from Pompeii……where the lava met the Sarno river. Of course. I mean – why else did an Italian bring this to you?

  242. We carnival people recognized her before we even saw her tail. She is a fiji mermaid. Fear not.

  243. Want to know why there is grass in its mouth other than to lure you into sticking a meaty and delicious finger in there? When these where made by scam artists they would take the monkey skulls out and sell them separately then stuff the head with a bunch of dry grass and crap to make the head skin round again. now that it is nice and dry the grass is falling out and creating a nice trap for those of us with type a personalities or OCD that cant stand to see little strand of shit hanging out of possessed demons faces.

    Maybe a nice hat or scarf would friendly it up some??

    A MONOCLE!!! That’s what that little asshole needs make him less face eat-y looking!!

  244. you can tell hunter doesn’t trust it by the way he’s holding his ears. he knows it can’t chase him, since his legs are relaxes, but hunter has NO IDEA what this thing might try and is preparing for anything.

  245. The fact the mermaid fits into your home décor perfectly makes me want to squish your guts, in a good way. Not in a creepy mermaid I want to eat your face off when you are sleeping way.

  246. I was just wondering what I could do to cause my already-rampant insomnia to increase exponentially. Hmmm….wonder what the Bloggess is up to? Problem solved.

    But is it still technically insomnia if you don’t sleep at all?

  247. Holy crap, no doubt the funniest thing I have read in a long time!! What the fuck is that thing?!? Freaking hysterical, I was laughing at this blog so hard it made me cry….!

  249. Holy shit. I’d take it into the back yard, douse it with holy water and then blast it with a shotgun. I’d gather up pieces and put them in dumpsters that were in different states. To prevent that thing from ever reforming.

    (And I’m Jewish and my tribe doesn’t usually have holy water.)

  250. OMG IT’S A FIJI MERMAID. It’s awful and creepy and I want it. #superjealous #ohshitamIcrazierthanthebloggess #yeahIguessIam

  251. OH…and if you put some googly eyes on it, and maybe a wig, it would be less scary and MORE AWESOME.

  252. @Anubis Bard—-Bwahahahaha!!!!!!!
    Congrats to Stefano on the find!!!
    Personally, I think it’s a “she” and would look wonderful with the red sparkly bow someone suggested….

  253. It appears it once had a unicorn horn on the midparietal section of its head. You should find who performs cornuplasty on chimeras and get it done

  254. HO-LEE shitballs. Please make this look happier, less creepy, less like it will kill me in my sleep. You’re creative. If I ever see this mermaid skeletor whatever it is again, it better be dressed up and be comforting. Also. For the love of God, do NOT put your hand in it’s mouth. I will now add this comment and not scroll up to see this thing again. But go Stefano, he seems to know you well! 🙂

  256. That is terrifying! But, if a thief breaks into your house, he’ll probably see your oddball collection and run the hell away because a) he’ll have already pissed himself and b) who would want to steal that stuff anyway?!

  258. I think this is absolutely darling! I do think a wig in a stylish bob, perhaps with a bow on top would complete the look. Maybe in a lime green to complement the tones of decay.

  259. Look, I’m not wishing you any ill will but I can hardly wait for your fucking estate sale.

  260. I believe it was the little mermaid (or perhaps finding nemo?) that taught me that horizontal tail fins are good (i.e. dolphins) and vertical tails fins are bad (i.e. sharks)

  261. That’s the weirdest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. That’s creepy horror movie material.

  262. I opened this while covering the reception desk and everyone who walked through the lobby could see it. Needless to say, I’m now given a wide berth by everyone in the office.

  264. Holy fuck that might be the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen. Certainly the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen someone use as part of their home decor. Makes Copernicus look like a fucking Cabbage Patch Kid.

  265. A Fiji mermaid! HOLYFUCKBALLSYOUOWNAFIJIMERMAID! This is why you’re on my sidebar under the heading “She Is Our God Now.”

  266. Holy hell, even the cat is scared! At the first picture, I thought, yes, scary, but is it really worse than a scrotum? And then came the fish tail, and I decided, YES. It is most definitely worse than a scrotum.

  269. Kinda looks like it’s making one of those heart symbols with it’s wretched little fingers, no? But in more of a ‘I will remove your heart while you’re sleeping’ kinda way…

  271. Seriously fucking awesome beyond words! Hats off to Stefano, I bow before your ability to find the creepiest taxidermy animal/mythical creature ever.

  272. What I wouldn’t give to have a fiji mermaid. You are one lucky woman Jenny!

    Also, seeing as you tend to make things better and mention the musical instrument playing mice; can you find him a little saxophone or something judging by the way his hands look positioned it may work? Or a submarine sandwich? Okay – I’ll stop now, but just know that I am jealous.

  273. I swear I once saw a “Mysteries at the Museum” episode where this thing was kept as an exhibit. Someone had apparently at one time put together two or more creatures and created this and it became some kind of circus side show.

  274. Today is my birthday, and that is SO not the gift I wanted!!
    ; )
    But, yeah…it’ll be tough to ever top Stefano!

  275. Any zombie cemeteries nearby? He/she seems like an appropriate guard or mascot for that type of thing.

  277. Apparently, my 7 year old daughter should belong in your family……… I showed it to my teen sons, thinking they would find it funny, but she came up behind me- “Awww…Mom, it’s adorable. It’s really pretty creepy, but it is still adorable.”
    Also, I have some holy water and I think I may sprinkle it around my computer tonight so that thing can not come into my home through the computer screen……

  280. It’s a Fiji mermaid!! funny, I was just researching these yesterday for a new painting I’m going to start working on.

  281. OMFG Jenny! That is the creepiest creature I have seen to date. Not surprised you own it. LOL. Just when I think there’s nothing to top your last addition, something like this happens. Can see why Stefano’s wife wanted that out of the house. If I have nightmares tonight, I’m blaming you.

  283. Yeah, I’m scared. Seriously the stuff of nightmares! I’m so glad that he has a home. I say he as it looks like a young male mermaid. Would that be a merboy? Meryouth?

  284. Well, that’s certainly interesting…in the best MInnesotan sense of the word. Cleared this was phased in from an alternative universe. Interestingly, while Face Book says “Phased” your blog says “fazed” although in this case the former “phase” could seriously be correct.

    Either way, you gotta admit, that’s pretty weird.

  285. Yes. It is scary. I will grant you that. Scary. But you know what’s terrifying? Somewhere on this planet, there exists a person who woke up one morning and decided THAT would be his work for the next while. I think I could survive sitting in a room with the mermaid. Not completely sure I could say the same about its creator.

  287. Just when I think you can’t surpass my wow factor, you surpass my wow factor!! WOW!

  289. My word. Stefano sent you a Fiji Mermaid. This one is very well done! A taxidermist (of varying skill) would merge half a monkey with the body of a fish to create these things, and sell them to huge amounts of money to the gullible. It was all the rage for a short while in history. You seem to have acquired a very nice specimen. The grass inside the mouth is stuffing – it helps the body retain shape.

    Most excellent!

  294. A Fiji Mermaid!!! I could’ve used one of these on the 1st. I got married, the theme was Sideshow and the venue redecorated and relocated their Fiji Mermaid to some mysterious hidden location. You lucky girl!

  295. While I find this a little disturbing, the scientist in me wants to have it x-rayed! Or in a CT scan, or maybe an MRI? It would be cool to see the skeletal structure of this thing. My curiosity is getting the better of me. I know it would destroy the mystery of it all, my bad.

  296. Super awesome! This type of thing, by the way, is what Barnum used in his museums in the 19th century to get people to think he had found evidence of mermaids!

  298. This is clearly from another planet and therefore proves the existence of The Doctor and the TARDIS.

    You’re welcome.

    Now get that guy back here so he can take this thing HOME, for the love of Pete.

  301. I want this so bad and I would display it proudly the next time my sister, who is afraid of everything and thinks everything in life is bad and actually, genuinely, thinks creatures like that exists, comes to visit.

  304. It’s like it wants to be sooooo scary, but its fishbutt ruins it. Poor thing. It needs a name!

  307. Is it worth mentioning that my computer didn’t even want to load this page, and it took 5 tries to get it to load properly?

    Who needs sleep anyway?

  312. That is the freakiest fucking thing I have ever seen. It looks like an alien that escaped from Area 51 and was half eaten by a trout or salmon. Nightmares, here I come!

  313. I think it looks cool. Obviously, I also adore horror movies, so that doesn’t say much about me…

  317. I haven’t read all comments so maybe someone else wrote this … it appears to be a FeeJee Mermaid .. made of half monkey half fish used in a traveling circus. If you g00gle, you’ll see more of these “lovely” monkeymaids.

  318. I am guessing Hunter S. Thomcat is channeling his namesake and just assuming this is the product of a bad acid trip. At least, that is what I am hoping these images are because, well, WTF if not!?!?

  320. I’d just like to mention how proud I am for NOT having nightmares about this thing after seeing it last night. NICE TRY, STEFANO.

  321. Is this like something from “the ring” where we now have to make other people look at it so it won’t come to our house? If so, you’re safe, but I’m screwed…or am I? I have students!

  322. Is it real? I mean, is it maybe one of those babies born with the legs fused together or is is plaster. If it’s the mummified remains of a child, I think you need to find a new tribe.

    Either way, get thee some holy water, post haste and sprinkle that shit while chanting and praying in Latin. And incense. The smelly kind. It supposedly makes the demons flee. Mostly because they can’t stand the odor.

  323. Creepy as Hell! Where’s the door anyone!!!!! :oP Post it back to its ‘rightful’ owner ASAP!

    Hysterical post! ;o)

  328. Holy crap, that is……riveting. I say move it around your house covert ops style to unhinge your fam. Imagine opening the dryer and that thing is in there, ready to pounce. Or the refrigerator…

  329. Way cool! It will keep Creepy Davey Jones (the pirate one, not the Monkeys one) out of your house.

  331. Great, now every time I check under the bed I am going to have visions of this lurking underneath it . . .

  332. WHAT
    THE
    ABSOLUTE
    FUCK

    That thing is going to make my future grandchildren wake up screaming in the future.

    TIME WARPING TERROR FOLKS and NOT THE WIBBLEY WOBBLEY TIMEY WIMEY STUFF

  333. Heard of the “Walking Dead”, this is the swimming dead, look away, look away now.

  336. Yep. Have to admit as much as I’d love to be married to you, I’d divorce you if you insisted on keeping that in the house. There’s no good there, nogoodnogoodnogood.

  338. All I every wonder is, when you get things like this in the mail (of course not having any clue what lies in the package), what is your reaction when you first open the box? I have no clue what I would have done if I were to open a package and this thing was staring at me!

  339. Is that a human infant skeleton taxidermied to a bass carcass??
    This may be better than any other television show out there.

  341. So, please next time Webcam yourself opening these packages – I might even webcam myself reading your blog. Personally I think this minature denizen of the deep would be perfectly comfortable nestled up to those taxidermied scrotums (they are taxidermied – aren’t they?)

  344. How does one even package a deep-fried (I’m assuming) mummified fetal mermaid? I’m surprised its arms didn’t fall off in transit!

  347. Oh my god, it’s a mermaid Dementer. now I’m afraid to swim in open water in case all the happiness is sucked out of me!

  348. I never shut up and that thing left me speechless. All I can think of is the phrase from Princess Pride in the To-The-Pain scene “every baby that weeps at your approach, every woman that cries out DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?!?”

  350. Because my boyfriend is addicted to all those ancient aliens shows, I also recognized it as a fiji mermaid, but the tail is wrong. Regardless, he is totally jealous.
    Also, if he/she/it isn’t on the cover of your next book, I will be very very sad.

  351. I’d have to put that in the fridge. Just think of all the weight I could lose!

  352. My hat goes off to your daughter, if she’s not terrified of all this stuff. i just couldn’t sleep anymore…

  359. ohh for all that is holy…. can’t you just imagine that thing crawling up the stairs to nibble daintily at your toes hanging over the edge of your bed…

    Have you ever seen that old movie called “It’s Alive!” it moves/sounds like that… up and down, up and down…

    holy shit… just holy shit

    I think I’d be looking in the yellow pages where to find the nearest vial of holy water and doing the sign of the cross on my chest (and this coming from the least religious person you’re ever gonna meet)…

    shudder

  363. I thought it was kind of cute, like once you get passed the decay fossil look of it, you can envision a beautiful creature singing songs that distract seamen (I got to say semen) from their voyage into her evil sea trap. There might be 2 others out there just like it.

  364. I was reading this at work and started making strange noises. My buddy came over and we both were in AWE! We then read some of the postings. I love the doll as a counter to this and… PIGMY MERMUMMY!!!! My friend is going to have nightmares. It’s just freaking awesome.

  365. Looks like Jake the alligator man, a local legend of seaside, Oregon. You should visit there sometime. You’d love it.

  367. Oh, and in response to some other comments, I do have some Holy Water if you need it. I keep one from one church in the pretty bottle they gave me, and some more in a Motrin bottle from another church. One was blessed by an old priest, and one by a young one. It never did me any good really, but I was thinking of taking a bath in it to like make up for the slut period of my life. It’s really hard, I said hard, for a girl to say no when surrounded by a bunch of loose whore men with muscles and brains. Never at the same time. Ewwww.

  374. What the hell is it made out of?? My assumption is all the dead souls of fisherman who kill whales or something but is it papier mâché?

  375. Looks to me like Billy Bass’s unfortunate cousin, Mervin Merman. He died from constipation (hence the expression).

  376. I think it’s kind of cute. In a “don’t close your eyes EVER” kind of way. I couldn’t imagine a better home for..him? And just think how great he would look with accessories.

  378. I am pretty sure if you just put a filet o fish in it’s hands the expression will take on a whole new meaning. Personally, I kinda like it. I mean how can you not love a mummified mermaid? (or merman as the case may be)

  380. Ha! I almost asked for your address to send you the very first rabbit I ever skinned… But then I thought, nah, it’s a family heirloom. I love the mermaid; it was a really thoughtful gesture from Stefano.

  381. Wow, nightmares for life guaranteed. I’m kind of speechless, like it, my mouth is set with a perfect O. What in God’s name will you call it? Maybe some combination of the words mermaid and Stefano? Mermano? Stefanmer? shudder

  382. I so desperately needed something to make me laugh today and this just did the trick. Your writing is so damn funny – thank you!!

  393. Wow. So Stefano doesn’t like you much, right? Sending you something that he and his wife are afraid of?

  394. I don’t know why, but it looks like he should be holding and eating a banana!

  395. I’m worried. Because the thing I took away from that whole post was not the Fiji mermaid/dementor mummy, but what instruments do the dead mice play and is it a full orchestra or a rock band or a mouse playing a banjo or an accordion or something?

  398. I’m fairly certain that it is going to steal your soul. And I’m entirely certain that thing far exceeds the creep factor of clowns. God Bless you my child. God Bless you.

  402. @stan #88 is correct. It’s a version of the Fiji Mermaid which was passed off for years as a real taxidermied mermaid and shown as fairs and circuses in the 19th century. I work at the institution that owns the original one that PT Barnum had. This is, if you can believe it, much better looking than the original.

  403. That is truly incredible. In the worst sort of way. I can’t wait to see the outfits/cards/t shirts/whatever that this creature might inspire. Have you named him/her/it yet?

  404. He looks like he’s just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar! You could put a cookie or a piece of cake right in front of him!

  405. Have you guys read Geek Love? Because I’m in the middle of it right now and this ‘gift’ totally belongs in Crystal Lil’s Chute. If you know what I mean.

    (One of my favorite books. ~ Jenny)

  406. If I was a mermaid I wouldn’t have my gills on my rib cage because:
    1. it would take the attention away from my boobs.
    2. if you were hugged you would be suffocated
    3. once you landed (on land) you couldn’t wear a shirt/clothes as the fabirc would suffocate you, and opting to go clothes-less would bring you back to point 1

    I was thinking that perhaps I would have the gills on my head or neck, but being from Canada the suffocating problem would happen during the winter because I would be wearing a scarf or wooly hat.
    So I question you. Where would an appropriate place be for gills in this day and age?
    With that said/questioned I just don’t think this stuffed mermaid/person is real! So possesion or demon hauntings should not really be a concern for you. I’m just sayin….

  409. It looks like it was caught doing something it shouldn’t have been doing- maybe eating a child. Great post! I’m not sure I’ll forgot the pictures. Ever.

  413. Going to have to side with Stefano’s wife on this one. That thing looks like it was on its way to claim its rightful place in hell when a poorly placed mirror and a man with an empty wooden plaque intervened

  414. I would pay serious money for a tour of your home. Perhaps an occasion to benefit your favorite charity?

  415. I would love this, but I’m seriously worried you stumbled across the remains of a lost child…

  416. The expression on Hunter’s face looks like a cross of WTF and I’m seriously thinking of moving. PLEASE post a picture of the insect funeral scene!

  417. OMG…Don’t blink!!! Blink and you DEAD!

    (Oh how I would love to put that in my naughtiest student’s locker to scare the crap out of him!)

  418. Are you seriously keeping that? That is possibly the creepiest thing I have ever seen. Even the photos make me cringe: I can’t imagine trying to sleep knowing that thing is in the other room.

  420. Never try and get away with reading thebloggess in lecture. osmosis is not funny, and its hard to explain why you can’t breathe because a mummified mermaid with soul-sucking eyes is freakin hilarious. omfg.

  429. It it weird that I have two childhood memories this brings back for me? Growing up in Long Beach, Washington and having Jake the Alligator Man on display at Marsh’s Free Museum (alligator bottom, not fish), and going to Ripley’s Believe It or Not museum/waxworks in Newport, Oregon and seeing the Fiji Mermaid on display. Oh… good times, desiccated pseudo-animals and good times. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jake_the_Alligator_Man)

  430. I was proud of you for spelling faze correctly and then I see you had an English teacher in comments. Oh, well. I am more concerned that somebody sacrificed a newborn for that horrible collectible. Thanks for the nightmares tonight..

  432. It was a common thing during the Victorian era to try to rip people off with “remains of strange creatures.” The mermaid trick was attaching the torso of a small monkey to the back half of a fish. Creative taxidermy, nothing more, but sideshows made a killing from them.

  433. I think that thing needs an Irish dancer’s wig. Seriously. Because: more freakishly freakish is freakishly good, no?

  435. I’ve heard of these curiosities and hoaxes that involved people putting together different creatures to create fake mermaids and other creatures (because I’m weird, too curious, and live on the internet) but I’ve never heard of someone keeping one in their house so… kudos to you? I want to say “of course the fake mermaid isn’t trying to trick you into feeding yourself to it” but just to be safe, you should probably let Victor reach into its mouth. After the young priest and old priest visit.

  436. Oh my god. I seriously lost it with the last picture. The whole time I was thinking that all the mermaid is asking for is a pudding cup, and then to see Hunter S Thomcat’s expression in that last pic? Total waking-up-the-house guffaws. BEST. GIFT. EVER>

  440. Oh that looks so . . .
    wrong . . .
    disturbing . . .
    cute . . .
    nightmare worthy . . .
    but still cute . . .
    WTF . . .

  441. I did a search on this page to see if someone else thought the same thing I did before positng, so my hat goes off to manuregurl, who shares my theory that it was an alien surprised by an overzealous trout, which choked, drowning the alien in the process. Sad, really.

  442. all i got to say is WTF and thanks now I won’t sleep for the rest of my life?

  444. The Gemini Company have these on their home page:
    Store: Gaffs & Side Show Replicas

    Fiji (Feejee) Mermaid
    This is a sculpture of the Fiji Mermaid. This replica was inspired by those made famous in P.T. Barnum and Robert Ripley museums.

    This mermaid measures 18in. long and 9in. high on the base. Each model is cast in black resin and has a dusty finish like the real thing.
    $300
    +shipping & tax

  445. Holy Crap! It’s the Fiji Mermaid!! That’s a pretty amazing & f’d up gift. I think my husband would move if I brought that home…Hmmm, something to keep in mind if I need a few days to myself.

  446. I am terrified, truly. I kind of want to know what it would look like rehydrated or reanimated or whatever you do to it to make it look alive.

  447. I’m both frightened and jealous. Mostly jealous. That would have to go in the guest bathroom and be holding the guest towels.
    I see a Merman. And yes, he needs a monocle and a top hat.

  449. SOOOO at the Battle of Hogwarts, a Dementor fell into the Black Lake where it was somehow merged with one of the merpeople … and was then killed, shrunk and sent to a taxidermist. At this point, the Ministry must have stepped in and decided that there was NO way that was going to be allowed to stay in the UK and it was sent to the US.

    That is how it happened … right?

  451. While the mermaid is both terrifying and awesome, what I want to know is what is the title of the book about Victorian venereal diseases. That sounds like a fun read. No seriously, I would read the shit out of that book.

  452. So, you had surgery today and it’s midnight and you haven’t slept in two days and now you can’t sleep because your abdominal pains are stabbing you to death and you think to yourself, “Oh you should go on the Bloggess and read her, she always takes your mind off things”. So you do. You go on the Bloggess. And you see THAT. And now you want to check under the bed because you swear you can hear that thing scuttling beneath you, but you can’t because you can’t move from the abdomen pain and you lie there, waiting for it to claw its way out to the top of the bed and eat what’s left of your shriveled soul and you realize, thanks to the bloggess, you are never, ever going to sleep again.

  454. I wasn’t sure where else to put this link. I wanted to send it to you, because I thought it might pique your interest – unless, you’ve already seen it and I simply missed your previous commentary (if any). Your blog has brought a lot of smiles, thought this might send one back your way. Here’s the link: http://www.etsy.com/listing/169081997/taxidermy-mouse-chess-set-wooden-board
    Apparently, it has already sold, but there are other things and she states she can make one, in 30 days. Just in case you think you may want one.

  456. I’d be fazed, too, if someone sent that to me. Of course, my next job would be to find ways to use it…We had friends, when we lived in Scotland, friends who’d grown up in the Pink Flamngo Capital of the World (Florida). As kids, they’d both tried doing various things with the neighbors’ pink flamingos, so they’d gotten pretty good at it. Well, a bunch of friends decided to send them a whole plastic flock of these things…among other things, our friends put a nest on the roof of their Scottish cottage & perched a flamingo on top of it. They hid them behind bushes, where they peered out with cardboard binoculars, telescopes, etc., or wore goofy sunglasses, or were clothed in a kid’s trench coat from a thrift store. They had several large trees & perched them up there, some with backpacks to mimic parachutes, some hanging from fake parachutes from the trees, others nesting, some simply perched in the branches….basically, they wanted to put them in not too obvious sight, but where they’d eventually be discovered. One even had a kilt & bagpipes (fake, of course)!
    It didn’t help that most Scots have never seen a pink flamingo, or perhaps saw them only in shows that took place in Florida, nor that, once they’d seen one, most Scots thought they were ghastly monstrosities (obviously, they’ve never seen this particular soulless, face eating, zombie-fied, petrified cross between 2 demonic creatures of your choice, which outdoes by far anything you can do to a plastic pink flamingo, & they’d probably dislike the attention it would take away from the national monster of Loch Ness). Still, it didn’t take long for them to get the joke, & to come up with other ways to place the noxious pink plastic birds.
    The point here is, there is no limit to what you can dress this thing in, or where you can partially hide it so people slowly realize they are looking at a full fledged, soul-eating mermaid from hell thing. The reactions, caught on a motion activated camera, could provide a lot of entertainment. I’d suggest wading pools instead of nests, or perhaps some fake coral, though. Nests don’t seem soul-eating-mermaid-y.
    Good luck with the display variations!
    PS I got here via ChronicBabe.com, she recommended your blog. I will be forever in her debt.

  457. I knew you would have loved it. Besides, thinking of a gift to you, flowers are mainstream and you have to choose the color very cautiously because the meaning can be different and range from “I am your friend, how are you today” to “I’d hump you right now”. Sweets cause diabetes.
    My choice was easy. Miriam, my wife, when she saw IT, asked me if I was positive that you were not going to be totally pissed or offended. She does not read your Blog. I first read your book on my flight from New York to London. I started giggling and then I burst in laughing and could not stop, tears down my face. I let her read some passages and she went like “uh… yeah, sure, funny” but she had a poker face with some traces of suspect. Suspect that I should maybe seek for some medical advice.
    Anyway, some of your readers/fans wrote some hilarious comments. You are attracting very interesting people here; maybe you should find a sponsor and call for a convention. I’d kiss’em all.

  458. Put it on casters so you can take it for walks or just roll it at unsuspecting visitors to see what they do. Entertainment value!

  464. These were very popular in Victorian England, and were passed of as preserved mermaids or mermen. they are more commonly referred to as Monkey fish, because that it what they in fact are. Taxidermists would unite the front half of a monkey with the rear half of a fish. if you google “monkey fish” you will see many examples.
    This one appears to have suffered a bit from mould or mildew. but not a bad example.

  465. It’s the Fiji Mermaid! Oh, please tell me you saw that episode of The X-Files! It’s a thing PT Barnum made. He sewed together a dead monkey and a dead fish and called it the Fiji Mermaid. But it looked so bad he had to bill it as a “genuine fake”.

  466. Yes I love you. And I couldn’t have it in my house either, even though I know it’s extremely collectible.
    I went to google to see if we could find any other photos of the same one to figure out which sideshow it came from. And then I remembered I was at work and no coffeebreak would last that long.
    But I grew up hearing about sideshows & vaudeville & friends who lived under roller coasters, because my grandfather grew up across the street from Coney Island’s Steeplechase Park. (His father was their doctor, apparently a LOT of people fell off the Steeplechase ride. Because beer + rollercoaster without seatbelts.)

  467. Holy freaking hell, Jenny. I would keep that in a locked room while you’re sleeping. You know, just in case. And about the stuff in it’s mouth – try chopsticks.

  469. My brain says “KILL IT WITH FIRE” but my heart says, “OMG amazing, can I have one too, please?!” I was just in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not museum in Niagara Falls a few weeks ago and they have something like this in there, but yours is far creepier. The one in the museum belonged to PT Barnum and he put it on display for years saying it was a genuine mermaid carcass. In reality, it was the top half of a fetal dog or something stitched onto the back end of a fish. Yours? SO MUCH BETTER.

  471. I sincerely hope that you have been saving MONEY for all of the therapy visits adorable Hailey will be needing in the future….that thing is too darn creepy for anyone!!! Perhaps if it had a different wardrobe?

  472. I’ve seen that fella on several documentaries about oddities/hoaxes. The sender sent you a documentary star!

  473. As I was reading this, I felt my cat brush up against my leg. I looked down AND THERE WAS NO CAT! I think by just looking at these pictures the ghost of this thing moved through me.

  475. Oh, ok so, I just got here about 20 minutes ago and I’m in love, and probably also can never work again because I will be too busy reading your blog for the rest of my life.

    So, thanks for that!

  476. That is absolutely and completely terrifying. I LOVE IT! I don’t think I could LIVE with it; but it I love it. You have the ultimate collection now.

  477. Has the Bad Ass Billy Bass been named yet?

    Or does something terrible happen if you call it by its real name?

  479. That is a Fiji Mermaid. It is the top of a taxidermied monkey and the back end of a fish.
    After the popularity of P.T. Barnum’s exhibit, there were many of them made.

  480. Jenny, it looks like it is making an “I love you” heart with its hands. It knows it has found a home.

  481. First of all, I love this! Secondly naming it the best/most difficult thing you could do. Suggestions: Miranda the Mermaid. Gracie McSwimmers. Ariel Flounders. or something that incorporates the two scariest names ever: Heather or Jessica.

  482. That is the ghost of old man winter 2014 saying “First day of spring my ass!!” To all of us in the colder regions of the U. S.

  483. Oh…my god. I bet the people on that Oddities show would take that thing off your hands if you guys decide it’s too nightmare-worthy.

    I’m sure HST has seen weirder stuff in his life. After all, he’s had Tardis nails and a slight drug-bottle addiction.

  484. It’s beautiful! If I owned this, or if it owned me, it would sit majestically high on my coffee table watching me and my family watch tv. It would freak my family but I wouldn’t care. It reminds me of the mummified mermaid of Banff, Alberta that I have to see every time we go to Banff. I have seen it hundreds of times now and it never fails to amaze me.

  485. Is the Bloggess the girl seated next to Bradley Cooper? If not, she’s definitely her doppelganger circa 1999.

  487. You will need more than just two priests. Of any age. That is the creepiest thing I have ever seen. And oddly beautiful. Which convinces me you might need the entire College of Cardinals AND the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. A few Druids would not be amiss. Good luck.

  490. I do believe it is trying to eat my soul through my computer screen. Possibly with its terrifyingly-huge, glassy eyes.

  491. It will look darling in a Santa hat or Easter Bunny ears or an Uncle Sam hat. I think that is the trick to living with it – tame it with costumes.

  492. I think it’s a merman, not a mermaid. I’m not sure why, maybe because there’s no mummified hair on his head? And wow, I can’t believe how big Hunter S. Thomcat has gotten. I love orange cats, and he is a beautiful one.

  495. I have not read your post today but just wanted you to know that TODAY I went to at the wake of someone how believed the lie. She took her life. Her fight with bi-polar won. She was the funniest, kindest, love filled women I have known. Her hugs took you over. She believed the fucking lie. I made my friends pinky swear not believe the lie. Don’t do it, don’t believe the lie.

  496. First thing I thought was “your right, I won’t ever sleep again” also “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! I think I’m gonna barf” and last but not leased “why does it look like it’s ready to give someone a blow job?”

  497. Who does that? Why? Really? These types of things confuse me. Unlike the jackalope, where I can imagine some redneck drinking with his buddies after hunting and they’re all lying and trying to out do each other and one guy says, “Hell, I saw a cross between a jack rabbit and an antelope!” All his buddies start guffawin’ and teasing him so he goes and makes one…

    But a merman? How does that happen? I guess the same way as I described, but, but, the whole human aspect is so much creepier. So very much creepier… Yeesh!

  499. Find a nice, central place in your house to showcase it. Quietly lock the front door, burn the house, change your names, and move to South Florida. All will be well in the morning, plus, you no longer have to pay state taxes.

  500. In our house, when a cat has that look on his, or her face, we call it “giving the stink eye”. Judging by Hunter’s stink eye, that mermaid should smell like a fresh cow flop.

  502. I think this is a fossil of the first ever mermaid, like some gruesome accident where a fish ate a baby and they got stuck. Like frankenstein. But of course mermaids are kinda gruesome and creepy, a la Harry Potter. The pretty Disney ones are a lie.

    @ comment 49- hell yeah, Zombies will always be a thing.

  504. I’ve seen that beastie before!

    You can see a lot of similar creations if you do a Google Image search for “Mermaid Taxidermy.” I saw this particular specimen at the Arisia science fiction convention some years back when a vendor brought it as part of a collection of “anatomical curiosities” exhibited to advertise their Steampunk clothing line.

    Yes, that’s right. Your new stuffed mermaid demon used to sell Steampunk bustiers.

  505. Gloriously creepy, but I want to know what was going through the mind of the creator when he (or she) first got the idea.

  506. What I think is interesting about this whole concept, is the issue of spinal movement. For a fish, the spine moves back and forth (think of a fish swimming, the tail moving side to side). For a mammal, the spine moves up and down (think of a dolphin or whale, and the up down motion). Here, we have the top spine of a mammal, and the back spine of a fish. But if the mermaid used the whole spine in swimming (which spines are meant to do), it probably wouldn’t be able to swim well, as the spine would constantly be fighting against itself for forward movement or momentum.

    the more you know

  507. My first thought was “give it a hat to make it less creepy.” Then I saw that others had the same thought. I vote for a jaunty Bavarian fedora with a feather or maybe a Rasta cap with dreads. But I do really like the monocle idea.

  511. I think there’s a dead fish head out there somewhere that wants its ass end back.

  515. Um… I am going to point this out.. it is probably not going to be popular,but here goes. I don’t think the mermaid wants to do something icky with vaginas. And it knows sign language. Look at the thumbs and first fingers together. It;s ASL for woman parts. If you aren’t deaf, maybe you are safe.

  517. You probably won’t remember the boring stuffed frog I gave you at a reading. Just can’t compare.

  518. It starts feeding off you at first by nibbling at the dead skin cells on your face while you sleep. This causes a slight itchy burny feeling, like you’ve been poked by a tiny needle. Then you’ll make the mistake of scratching that spot, which causes your histamines to go into red Alert. Your nose will itch in the back of your nose, the type itch that makes you want to take a shrimp fork up the nose to find relief. The next night, she comes to feed, excited by the pheromones the histamines put out. Tomorrow, you’ll awake to a raised bump, which itches even more, which makes the interior nose itch worse, and then your eyes will start watering in defense. By now, your crumpled, sodden tissues tissues are being used to track you by the she beast. Do not scratch. Under no circumstances, scratch. May God have mercy on your soul.

  523. From WikipediA: The Fiji mermaid (also Feejee mermaid) was an object comprising the torso and head of a juvenile monkey sewn to the back half of a fish, covered in papier-mâché. It was a common feature of sideshows, which was presented as the mummified body of a creature that was supposedly half mammal and half fish, a version of traditional mermaid stories, but research studies has solved the mystery. Barnum had hired a man to create a mermaid, which appeared to be the dead body of a monkey attached to the tail of a fish.

  524. Don’t y’all have a Roomba? If not, you need to get one so you can place this sthing on it and let it roam around the house. And videotape it so we can see. Please?

  526. put a pacifier (dummy) in its mouth then it won’t be able to eat your soul!

  527. Ah! I’ve been wondering where my hand went. It’s awful hard to type with one hand.

  530. Oh, and the more I look at it, the more I like it. thumbsup
    The bar has risen, indeed.

  532. Holy Christ! The picture came up first and my first thought was it was going to climb through my computer screen, Sadako ‘Ringu’ Yamamura style, to kill me. The phone didn’t ring; I’m safe. You, on the other hand…

  534. Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus,
    omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii,
    omnis congregatio et secta diabolica.

    Ergo, draco maledicte.
    Ecclesiam tuam securi tibi facias libertate servire,
    te rogamus, audi nos.

    There…. I feel better now. – NOT

  536. I think there’s a side story in Harry Potter that JK Rowling never told about the unlikely romance between a mermaid and Dementor and the Mermentor child that wouldn’t be accepted in either community. Sure, he’d suck all the happiness out of the mermaids and slap the dementors with his tail when flying about, but he was just trying to fit in. Is that so wrong?

  541. 504 comments and I can not read them all to see if anyone else actually knew what this was, but I Do!! Just went to Gatlinburg, TN and the Ripley’s Odditorium and saw this there. If I’m remembering correctly they were made in South America or maybe China (?), regardless, somewhere and marketed as Mermaids. They are actually constructed of half monkey and half fish. Wonderful disturbing handiwork 🙂

  546. Pingback: It takes a lot to faze me. Consider me fazed.

  547. I think it’s a dead baby mermaid. and now my underpants smell of shit. thanks for that jenny! I don’t have another pair at work for “accidentally was too creeped out by reading the bloggess at work” moments. I curse and hug you all at the same time.

  549. I haven’t read all the comments but I did ctrl-F and didn’t see anyone mention that if you put her in front of a keyboard (I was initally thinking piano, but you know, computer would work. or your old typewriter!) she could totally be playing piano and singing. Or alternatively, typing and shouting at people that single spacing after a period is an abomination unto god.

  551. On further reflection, I want her to star in a video montage/slideshow set to ‘Part of Your World’, with at least some shots of her at a piano, sitting on a stack of phone books so she can reach the keys.

  552. I had a serious bout of insomnia the other night and watched The Real Mermaid Revealed and they actually had this thing on there! Monkey torso attached to a fish that the circus would advertise as being a mermaid. Apparently, it is rare collectible. Congrats!

  553. I had a serious bout of insomnia the other night and watched Mermaids The Body Found (don’t judge) and they actually had this thing on there. Monkey torso with fish body. They were set up in sideshows in the mid to late 1800s and advertised as real mermaids. Step right up to Jenny’s house!

  555. This guy gets everywhere he’s in bizarre bazaar Philly He popped up on my Instagram an this guy had grass in his mouth too!! There breeding!!!

  558. Hubster has a book from the library, about the old timey freak shows. This puppy is in it! PT Barnum even had one. The front half is a monkey, the back for most was salmon or a similarly sized fish.

  564. THIS NEEDS TO BE IN A DOCTOR WHO EPISODE. Mermaids are real but they want to eat you. And also David Tennant is the Doctor because he was awesome and instead of a female companion he has a male companion and it’s Michael, (his name was Michael, right?) the scientist guy from that one episode called Planet Of The Dead.
    And the Doctor is gay. This is what I am going to wish for when I find a genie lamp buried in my backyard. A queer can dream, right?

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading