My search results terrify me.

in Random Crap

Every few weeks I check my search results to see what people were looking for that brought them to this blog.  Then I blog about them and then I get even more weird search terms the next week.  It’s like I’m asking for this.  Stop blaming the victim, you guys.

The strangest searches that brought people to TheBloggess.com this week:

“What will happened if centipedes go inside your ear?” (Screaming, probably?)

“Does anyone pronounce the L in caulk?”  (I find it’s more fun if you don’t.)

“Why is everything making sense in my life?”  (Frankly, that would be disconcerting to me too.)

“Not my fault your ugly.” (Fair enough.  Not my fault you can’t use “you’re” properly.)

“Human baby eating”  (I’m confused.  Are you wanting to know what human babies should be eating, or the best way to eat human babies?  Please be more specific.)

“How to make people think you are a wizard”  (Good luck with that.)

“I burnt the fucking soufflé.”  (You’re not alone.)

“What’s that thing near my veginer?”  (No idea, but that’s probably my favorite new pronunciation of “vagina”.  Vej-Eye-Ner.  That is awesome.)

“Can I move my buried dog?”  (Not while it’s still buried.)

“My life goal is to end up on Jenny’s weirdest search term blog list.”   (Success!  Now go reevaluate your life goals.  You can do better.)

“If my boo is not answering his phone can I pop up at his house and ask do he need to borrow your phone charger?”  (I like your style, lady.  Be my new best friend.)

“My spirit animal is fisting Steven Seagal.”  (Wait.  Is your spirit animal currently fisting Steven Seagal.  Or is your spirit animal Steven Seagal, who is currently fisting?  Either way, it’s unsettling.)

Penis spatula  (Well, you wouldn’t want it to burn, I suppose.)

Mouse riding on octopus (The weird thing here is that seven different people looked for this.  I’ve disappointed seven people in one week.  At least.)

Where can I buy lemonade flavored crystal meth?  (You meant to type “Crystal Light” didn’t you?)

“Feels like I have been stabbed.”  (Check for knives.  You may have been stabbed.)

“How much is a 20 dollar bill worth?” (Huh.  Is this a trick question?)

“When can baby see squirrels at night?”  (I don’t even know what’s going on here.)

“Midgets that are tired of being hit on.” (First of all, we don’t use the word “midget” anymore.  Secondly, it’s “who” rather than “that”.   Third, WHAT IN THE FUCK?)

“You mean I’m not a reptile.”  (You sound disappointed.  But if you typed this you are probably not a reptile.  Or you’re a very talented reptile.  Either way?  Good news.)

“Large bulge above the naval extending to rib cage looks like an alien is about to burst out.”  (Why are you googling this?  GO SEE A DOCTOR.)

“Always bring the banana to your mouth.”  (I’m not saying I disagree, but why are we even specifying?)

“Rotten banana in vargina” (Ah.  And now I see why we’re specifying.  Also, it’s “verginer”.  Not “vargina”.  Please update your spellcheck.  And please put down the banana.)

“How to know if something is appropriate for social media?”  (And you found yourself here.  How terribly ironic.)

“Third eye grows out of your forehead and wants to eat your brain.”  (I think we’ve all been there, friend.)

“Aliens gave my cat a beard.”  (But…how can you tell?)

“Is it safe to fix a loose needle on meth syringe with superglue?” (None of that is safe.  Everything you said is unsafe.  I’m not sure why I’m having to clarify that.)

“Why should you never fart on somebody’s balls?” (I don’t have an answer for that.  Or a response.  Or words.  speechless.)

“What is the worst thing that could happen if you put glue on your lips?” (A third eye could grow out of your forehead and eat your brain?  An alien could burst out of your stomach?  Someone could fart on your balls?  Apparently, just about anything.  None of us are safe, y’all.)

181 thoughts on “My search results terrify me.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. I have a sports blog. Someone searched for “old people have sex all people what frankly athletes” and found me. The hell?

  4. Verginer is how my deep in the heart of Appalachia inlaws would say Virginia. So maybe the answer is really Tennessee.

    Why would the centipede start screaming?

  5. I watched a CSI:NY where centipedes went inside a woman’s ear, and that’s how they found the murderer. So the answer to “What will happened if centipedes go inside your ear?” is clearly “They will find your murderer in around 45 minutes, not including commercials”.

  6. My darling gay friend calls the lady bits “Va-Heeny”….I want everyone to call it that now…

  12. You have no idea how much I needed this today. I’m frantically preparing for an unexpected (GOOD unexpected, to be clear) move. The humour was very very necessary to me not stabbing people.

  13. It’s not that I don’t love your other posts as well, but I’d be lying if I said your search results weren’t my favorite bit of randomness to read on the internet.

  14. “feels like i have been stabbed” should maybe be checking for chicken, both dried and metal.

  15. The tattoo tourist is on the right track, but you need a shirt listing all of these
    as ways to the Bloggess and then a big list of all crazy
    Hilarious search terms on the back. Thank me later.

  16. I just about choked on my salami sandwich reading this…and that’s no euphemism. haha!

  17. You should ALWAYS fart on your lover’s balls. Marking your territory is essential in relationships, however casual.

  18. Oh my goodness!! I am literally laughing so hard I have tears streaming down my face! My co-workers now have proof that I’m crazy….

  19. “Large bulge above the naval extending to rib cage looks like an alien is about to burst out.” (Why are you googling this? GO SEE A DOCTOR.)

    DYING I’m laughing so hard

  21. I read “moose riding on octopus” which is a whole different thing. I really have to stop reading this at work. Thanks for the laugh. Again.

  23. Being a relative newcomer to your blog, I can’t help but wonder what the hell you’ve been writing about. And also wondering why the hell I haven’t started following you sooner. 😀 I’m very intrigued (and maybe a little afraid).

  29. I love reading your site searches!! I can only hope my searches are half as interesting as yours .

  34. Willy Verginer has a Facebook page- and Matt Verginer is a artist .. Who woulda thunk it- Thanks again for the enlightenment Bloggess

  36. I’m laughing so hard at work that I’m crying. Thank you for sharing, these are my favorite posts.

  37. I’m so disappointed aliens didn’t give my cat a beard. Stupid rescue feral cat just lays around all day on the heating pad I put on the couch for her. She won’t do housework and she doesn’t have a beard…….I have nothing.

  39. “Farting on somebody’s balls” is from the new South Park video game. And I know this because my husband has played through it twice. 🙂

  40. Pretty sure the ball farting is a reference to the new South Park video game. Which means this is absolutely the wrong blog to seek an answer on.

  42. OH MY GOD, I’m never going to survive this. I think Coke (the drink, just to be clear) just came out of my nose and possibly my eyes. My goal in life is to have just ONE awesome search like that bring people to my blog. I gotta go check my search terms.

  43. I originally heard the old guy from the original Beverly Hillbilly’s show say “vergineer” instead of “verginer” when I read that. No one has the right to ask why after reading Jenny’s post. Point is, either option may now regularly replace “va-jay-jay”.

  45. Aliens Gave My Cat A Beard is a shirt! I own it!! And it’s as awesome as it sounds.

  46. “Third eye grows out of your forehead and wants to eat your brain.” You might be a Dalek…

  47. All I can say is just…wow. I can’t even

    Makes me glad (and a little scared) that I don’t know how to see the search terms for my blog.

  48. “When can baby see squirrels at night?” Ha! Whenever she wants too, Nobody puts baby in the corner !

  49. I think every one of the people that ended up here due to those search terms needs one of those “Unfit for Decent Society” shirts.

  50. My grandmother called the great state of Virginia something that sounded like Verginer but it was never confused with her lady parts which she called her “cat” because the P word sounded vulgar. LOL.

  52. Ah, the secret world of searches…

    Here’s one of my recent lists:

    “nylon feet mules”
    “how to make a hula girl bobble thong”
    “food bloggers that aren’t mormon”
    “tent made with hula hoops and flat sheets”
    “have gays taken over?”
    “deep sea jigglin hula girl”
    “attendant who shaves your underarms”
    “you need an ass kicking”

  53. I just love us. We’re a special group of followers. I love looking up search terms. in fact. I’m gonna go do that right now!

  56. My mom and I were just discussing the pernunciation of “caulk”. Before realizing it was “calk” she used to call it “conk”. Once an unknowing child, I switched between “caulk” and “co*k”–sometimes using a silent c or l so that no one would be sure I had just messed up. Eventually, my uncle questioned my murmur, unsure whether or not he wanted to be extremely amused by my ignorance.

  57. So, I just googled “mouse riding on octopus” and there are some cool steampunk images of octopi doing things that one doesn’t generally associate with them – riding bicycles, for example, there were no mice! I will have to draw this myself. 🙁

  58. I always get hits from searches related to weird bondage stuff, and sometimes that fucked up adult baby diapering fetish. Maybe should’ve rethought the blog name.

  61. This made my day:
    ““What is the worst thing that could happen if you put glue on your lips?” (A third eye could grow out of your forehead and eat your brain? An alien could burst out of your stomach? Someone could fart on your balls? Apparently, just about anything. None of us are safe, y’all.)”

    Thank you for making my Tuesday bearable. <3

  63. David Quammen once wrote an essay called “Spatula Theory” about the genitalia of assorted animals, in which he substituted “spatula” for “penis” because obviously this is a serious topic and people unfortunately giggle at the word “penis.”

  64. I am personally bothered that someone would use a ROTTEN banana. It’s your VAGINER for pete’s sakes, treat it with some love and respect and use a fresh, ripe banana. Just sayin….lol. Love you,Jenny! Love this part of your blog!

  65. The reason you shouldn’t fart on someone’s balls is because the ass behind the balls might fart back, so I don’t suggest it unless you ate taco bell. Gotta have a properly loaded weapon to handle that kind of war you know.

  66. Why don’t I have a blog??? I need to fix this right now so I can have weird search results. Thanks for the laugh today Jenny!

  68. This is probably one of my favorite things you post about. your responses to the search terms are more priceless than the terms themselves…except for verginer…there is no way to beat that.

  69. I didn’t find “moose riding on octopus”, but i DID find a picture of “Teddy Roosevelt riding a moose”. Does that help?

  70. i haven’t laughed this much at a blog post in a while. so funny. and i truly hope that at least half of these people are just messing with you. or i am very worried.

  75. Yikes.
    Also, you have an extra quotation mark in the rotten banana response. 🙂

    (Fixed! And thanks. That’s almost as bad as having a rotten banana in your verginer. ~ Jenny)

  77. Laughing so hard I nearly peed out my veginer. My search terms were boring this week, I have the normal searches “Is Mike Rowe Married?” “Is Mike Rowe Gay?” “Is Mike Rowe Straight?” and then the obligatory “I lost my virginity to my dog” search which I get every so often.

  82. Confession: Sometimes, I call my husband a slang term for vagina – ‘giner (pronounced ji-NER). Sometimes, I throw in the adjective “floppy.”

    I am not proud of myself…

  83. Pretty much all the search results for my site made sense. The only weird one was: “never feed caviar to a donkey”. I haven’t the foggiest how that would lead someone to me. Haha

  85. Reading this at the doc and trying to laugh quietly. Sounds like sobbing. They’ve checked on me twice!

  86. My British relatives tend to put the “er” or “ar” sound on words that should really just end in “a”. For instance Carolina turns to “Caroliner” with them. All this to say that “veginer” sounds like a posh, British way to say “vagina.”

  88. Scuzz Twittly has a song “I’m in Love with Your ‘Giner”. Could be where it’s from

  89. I am trying to read this quietly while my best friend tries to watch an old episode of Magnum PI. Not working. Now I’m crying and snoring and she’s looking at me weird.

  92. I needed to laugh until my coworker came in and asked why I was giggling today. But I was actually crying. Thank you. Also, I am saying verginer from now on.

  99. Eating human babies happens….unintentionally …It was just the one….

  100. Every time you list what people are searching the internet for it makes me think I should just stay off of the internet altogether. There are some seriously fucked up people in the world!

  102. onanotherfreakingmission’s post that mentioned “vergineer” made me think that must be like a verginer engineer – which I think should be the new word for gynocologist…”I’ll be back soon, honey, have an appointment with my vergineer…”

  103. Worst thing that can happen when you put glue on your lips…you missed the broken syringe with meth and you are no longer high.

  104. “boo u need me to pop over see if your phone charging properly” is my favorite one. we have a reptile so I may have searched for whether or not I am a reptile. I do think he’s depressed too . contemplating crumbling up prozac into food.

  105. i love the veginer one!
    I’m a medical assistant and every once and a while I get a patient that says they have diarrhearer.

  107. Penis spatula? Isn’t that the scene in Joe Dirt where the dog gets his balls frozen to the porch? Now, embarrassingly, I have admitted to having seen Joe Dirt ( and remember it).

  109. Why does my husband get mad at me when I giggle every time he says “Hand me the caulk”?

  110. I love you. Just so much. I laughed. Out loud. (And may have scared the baby.) Thank you for that.

  111. I don’t pronounce the “l” in “caulk,” nor does my boss, which suddenly became very relevant when, in a conversation about minerals in the local tapwater, he said “oh, I guess that explains the red ring around my caulk.” TERROR.

  112. I can give some context to the farting on balls search. In the new South Park video game, one of the skills your character learns is a fart attack, but Cartman warns the player that they must never fart on someone’s balls. I’m not proud I know this, but there you go.

  113. OMG, I MUST stop reading your blog when I’m drinking milk. My keyboard is a mess. I don’t know why people are so proud when they shoot milk out of their nose. It’s messy, disgusting, and kind of hurts if you have a deviated septum like I do.

    Keep up the good work, hon; I needed a good laugh today, milk and all! You’re like the daughter I never had.

  114. this post is the best thing that happened to me today.
    please, do keep doing these, they’re epicly amusing.

  115. I always look forward to these posts. I have to wonder what in the hell are some of these people up to? Or do they just have major auto-correct issues?

  116. We have a huge mess of allergy crap going on around here. I needed this laugh so much, Jenny! I was sent a link to your post about first getting Beyonce. That’s how I was introduced to the fabulousness that is you. Although, I kinda wish I could have found you on accident via some crazy search term. It might make for a more interesting story. 🙂

  117. Thanks for the belly hurting laugh!!

    By the way – veginer…sounds like it is a Vegan alternative.

  119. I think it’s pronounced “Va-Gee-Ner,” to rhyme with “wiener.”

  120. There’s a kid in my son’s 4th grade class who can’t stop talking about veginers. It’s making me crazy. I want to get him The Girl Book.

  121. Damn, woman, you get all the good searches. I really need to step up my game. My best ones are “mom pooping” and “black nipple.”

  122. “I read “moose riding on octopus” which is a whole different thing. I really have to stop reading this at work. Thanks for the laugh. Again.” (comment #21)

    In my head I saw this drawn in The Oatmeal’s style as soon as I read this comment. The world needs this!

  123. I laughed so hard that I cried until my nose ran. And shrieked. My husband was alarmed. You know something’s funny when you scare people laughing at it.

  125. I visit your blog because I desperately need to laugh out loud. You never disappoint. Never. Thank you.

  126. And this is why you are not fit for decent society. And I love you for it. I think the web searches are my favorite posts!

  127. This just makes me SO SAD that Google recently encrypted search terms – I will never know such joy… I got 2 hits today from UK and Australia and the only thing that shows up in Search Terms is “unknown”. Faaaaaak!! I so love these posts. 😁

  128. JENNY, PLEASE let me know how you do those searches. pretty please with a cherry on top? I get places people are from but not great things that you get. What am I missing other than your sparkling personality? Your friend, Laurie F.

  130. Okay, so the person that searched for the bulge above their navel might have an Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm. Potentially fatal. I’m seriously concerned for this internet stranger 🙁

  134. The Verginer comments reminded me of a couple years ago, when we were updating our customer management tool (I work for a VERY large computer company), we realized that for several years, the drop down choices for the State were set to Virgina and West Virgina for all postal customers… yay for offshoring! Gigglesnort!

  135. These weekly search term round ups are the best! I laugh my ass off every time, which is good since I’m trying to lose weight.

  137. Dear Goddess (I meant to type Bloggess, but really, close enough in awesomeness anyway) you always make my day with your posts. Even when I am tired and miserable I feel better. Thank you.

  141. Thank you so much for making me laugh hysterically till tears stream down my face. You are awesome and your blog is the first place I go when I’m bitchy and I need a good laugh!

  144. The “never fart on someone’s balls” thing is from the new South Park game…..but I’m still wondering how that was a search result that lead to your page….LOL

  145. Your next project should be a mouse riding an octopus. Perhaps you should also fart on Victor’s balls while riding him.

  147. The second last one – “Why should you never fart on somebody’s balls?” – quite probably is a reference to the new South Park video game. It’s repeated several times during in game tutorials.

    …The reason I know this is that I have been pretending to take an interest in my partner’s hobbies.

  148. Yeah, so I totally tried the one about “caulk.” Haven’t stopped laughing since. By the time I hit the second banana reference, tears were rolling down my face. Your blog makes my week.

  149. “Feels like I have been stabbed.” (Check for knives. You may have been stabbed.)

    If you’ve seen Sherlock season 3, you’ll know you can be stabbed without seeing the knife. If you haven’t seen Sherlock season 3 you should stop and watch it right now.

  150. I just decided that I’m going to make up random disturbing phrases, search for them, and then click only on links that look like blogs. Bloggers will freak the hell out. 🙂 But maybe I’ll save this for April Fool’s Day. I don’t really want to freak anyone out.

  151. So much bizarre- ness. I’m choking with laughter. But also fearful for the future as some of these people may be my neighbors. Or the short order cook making my pancakes with his “penis spatula” .

  153. The bigger question is this: HOW are these terms bringing them to you, Jenny?
    The web is bizarre enigma wrapped in a ridiculous riddle we’re not designed to solve…. and never should.

  156. all i wanna say is ahhahahaha. and i’d like to note that my real, actual laughter currently sounds like i am a smoker, but i am not a smoker. i sound like a smoker because i have a cold. not that you could hear me or anything, because you are there and i am not, but it’s happening. the laughter. over this post. right. now. also, i took nyquil, which is why i might actually sound like a weirdo. love you!

  158. I had to pause for a minute because I wasn’t sure if I was reading my own blog or someone else’s. Last week I wrote a blog that started out almost identically, and a friend shared this post with me because she found it eerily coincidental.

    For the record, you win (hands down) on awesome searches. The best one I received was “awkward moments with strangers,” which more or less sums up my existence, but is way more normal than anything dealing with verginers and varginas.

    But then I realized your name is Jenny and my name is ALSO Jenny, and I just found it too bizarre to not leave a comment. Hence, this comment.

    You can read my less terrifying search results at http://fushilou.wordpress.com/2014/03/12/this-is-not-a-real-post/

  159. So, this inspired me to check my blog’s stats (for the first time EVER). It seems people are finding me through the phrases “nasty amish lady” and “peg bundy’s ass”. I’m a tad concerned.

  160. “Not my fault your ugly” Your ugly WHAT? WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE? WHY AM I TYPING IN ALLCAPS???? BECAUSE MY FATHER USED TO PICK AT PEOPLE FOR SAYING “MY MOM AND ME WENT…..” AND OMG: I’M BECOMING MY FATHER! SHIT! Or rather: HECK! (Since I recently found out that “heck” is actually a combination of “hell” and “f*ck,” I’m going to start using it more.)

  161. Not sure why, but now my brain is recalling “throbbing pens” and “heaving beasts.” I’ll have to try those as search terms and see what I get. I’m a child of my environment, which apparently included way too much TV. I’m sorry and I’ll never do it again. Today.

  163. I really want the people who were searching for these terms to comment on the reasons behind them.

    Oh and I learn something every time I visit. Thanks to Audri (160) for telling me heck is part hell and part fuck. Makes it seem tougher and more rebellious.

  165. I just realised I pronounce vagina as verginer. Fellow Brit, I know you can spell better than that…

  166. Farting on someone’s balls is a big no-no in the South Park video game. Probably the show. (I’m 48, female & on my second play through. Oh, gods, it’s profane and gross and I LOVE it.)

  167. I farted on my husband’s balls once, and he said “That feels nice. Do it again?”

  168. I’ve seen “Aliens gave my cat a beard” on a t-shirt. I think it’s some kind of meme… I can see a few other potential future memes in this list come to think of it. Spread the weird!

  172. “Why should you never fart on somebody’s balls?” To whomever (Is it whomever or whoever? Whomever?) asked this, I love you. Let’s play “South Park: The Stick Of Truth” together.

  173. This is my favorite part of your blog, Jenny. I laugh until I cry. Unfortunately, my husband now realizes that I am a nut-case because of how hard I laugh. I try to read it to him but I am laughing too hard. So I hand him my iPad and he reads it and laughs but not like I laugh. I am going to show him the farting on the balls thing to prove I haven’t completely lost it. Farting and balls always make guys laugh, right?

  174. Farting on someone’s balls breaks the gentlemens code.

    I read that and really wanted to shake this persons hand.
    And then ask for their help killing Nazi Zombie Princess Kenny.

  175. Jesus God, I laughed so hard I sprouted a third eye, and potentially ruined a couch cushion. What was that website for workouts and bladder leakage??? Also, is laughing on your couch a workout? I was really enthusiastic about it (the working out/laughing). I swear.

  176. I am testing to see if the mysterious bloggess really reads her comments by her fans. How will she respond? With an offbeat remark I hope! Okay I’m shamelessly trying to get attention.

  177. And I’m here to let you know that it is unsafe to glue a meth needle back on. Why do you think I’m typing with only one hand?! I sure do miss the arm. And the meth. And my teeth!

  178. Why should you never fart on someone’s balls? Because it’s seriously not worth the effort. Not saying I know for sure . . . I’m just guessing . . .

  179. You are what I read when I need to feel happy and not think about my ex. Also, you are being included i my “favorite authors” tattoo. All the awesome is with you.

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