Things are…things.

in Random Crap

The last month has been weirder than usual.  Filled with me wanting to scream at people I can’t scream at.  Filled with me giggling hysterically.  Filled with me crying hysterically.  Filled with stress and dread and far too many hospital visits.  Filled with homing pigeons and falling out of trees and unexpected glee and confusion.  Filled with me sometimes feeling nothing…which is so much worse than feeling anything.   I tend to hide a bit when things are weird and the world goes spiky and I’m sure you’ve probably noticed that.  I’m fine though.  Victor and Hailey are fine and everything that means the most is still wonderful.  There are weird things going on in the background which I can’t always share because they aren’t just my stories, but I still want to come on here and say “I’M STILL ALIVE IN SPITE OF THE BASTARDS” but then people would be like “Who is being mean to you?  WE WILL STAB THEM WITH OUR POINTY STICKS.”  And that’s very sweet (and I’ll take a raincheck on it) but the people who I’m most frustrated with are people you don’t know, people who aren’t on the internet, and people who are me when my head gets all shitty and holds me hostage.  All this to say that I don’t have much to say, but that I probably will soon.  This sort of thing happens and it feels like it’s the end of the world and then suddenly it’s gone and I look back at these posts and think, “Really?  You’re fine.  Calm your ass down and get your shit together.”  And I will get my shit together.  And then I’ll probably lose it again.  And that’s how life goes.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.*

*Unless it was a way with more bacon, and warm blankets made of live cats.  Or maybe something where I had better hair and always spelled things correctly.  Or something with more pockets.  I’d settle for more pockets.

PS.  This song.  I’ve shared it before but it’s one of my favorites and it’s exactly where I am today so maybe you need to hear it too.

221 thoughts on “Things are…things.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I often feel like screaming at people I can’t scream at. I could scream at people for you though…just send me a list.

  2. Hi – random stranger and fan here but wanted to ask your opinion, or those of your readers. I am sure you don’t have time to respond to post comments. My 13-year-old daughter suffers from debilitating anxiety that sometimes keeps her from doing the things she loves – school, hanging out with friends, etc. We are doing all we can to help her with help from professionals too but she said today as she lay on the couch in the fetal position, “Mom, is my life always going to be like this?” Any words of encouragement?

    (Drugs, therapy, meditation, music, and so many other things can help. It does get better. It just takes time to find the right ways to battle it. It makes you stronger in the end but it’s so scary to go through it at the time. Tell her to keep breathing and hold on and eventually she’ll find that the good outweighs the bad. Sending love. ~ Jenny)

  7. You are so right! We all have shit. Then the shit gets better for a minute – like a little vacation. Then, abruptly the vacation is over and the shit comes crashing back in – and that seems overwhelming. But, then we figure out how to deal with that fucking shit again. Hope you’re able to get rid of the shit soon. Good thoughts going your way.

  8. You always need more pockets for kitties…. You can never have to many pocket kittens! And bacon…..bacon makes the world go round!

  9. I get it.
    Like an old 33-1/3 album that’s warped and rippled. Sometimes life and the people in it are out of sorts. Put a penny on the stylist and keep playing the shit out of it.

  10. I SO hear you.
    I’ve had some major stressful shit going on that I can’t share on my blog … and it turns out that massive amounts of stress causes SHINGLES! Which I HAVE! Fucking SHINGLES! Seriously??

    Hang in there, friend.

  12. I am so glad that I’m not the only one feeling this way! Thanks for sharing.

  15. Why, oh, why aren’t we allowed to scream at people? The other day I was in Walmart and I had a box of Brillo pads in my hand. There was an annoying lady who wouldn’t get out of my way and I thought about slapping her with the box then saying sometimes I lose control of my limbs. I didn’t, but it was a pretty close race there for a second. I keep telling myself things will get better any time, but…my car window won’t roll up now and we just ran out of propane and my dog has a weird bump on his tail that might be life threatening or not, and I’m pretty much expecting a sink hole to just open up and suck up our house, but not while we’re in it, because the universe pretty much hates me.

    It’ll get better. Probably. Maybe.

  16. I get your feels. And have bacon (well, I can stop at the grocery) and the cats that like to cover me like a blanket….

    And random fan – it does get better. But get someone to help you and your daughter through this. It’s so much better to not have to try to figure it all out alone. (said as I sit in the waiting area while my 13 year old daughter is in with the therapist of her own volition.)

  17. To RJ: Tell your daughter she will have good minutes and hours and days and weeks and months. You never know when they will come so enjoy them when they do. But they will come.

  18. I never knew there WAS such a thing as having your shit together. No clue.

    You learn something new everyday. Or maybe that’s just me?

  19. I ready “pointy sticks” as “pony sticks” and then I really wanted some “pony sticks”.

  21. Yeah, it’s this cray-cray ride called LIFE. Sometimes, it strokes us. Sometimes, it kicks us. Just continue, one foot in front of the other. 🙂

  22. Ok. Kindred spirit here. And this weekend, I’m planning on reading a lot. Watching movies a lot. Drinking something sparkling (I can’t say a lot or the judgies will come out:)). I have my pointy stick at the ready, should you need it. Be well.

  23. For RJ, (random stranger) NO, it won’t always be like that. Tell her that right now she doesn’t have the life experience that helps her cope but she will, someday. Anxiety sucks. It can be overwhelming. Mine went away when I left home, and I thought it was gone until Ia few years ago when the world went all pear-shaped.
    Take every day one at a time, recognize that some days will be shot and that we are not in control of everything. We can direct some things but mostly life just tumbles on around us and if sometimes we have to check out so until we regain our equilibrium, that’s okay. It will be okay. {{{{Healing Hugs}}}} for your girl from a random stranger.

  24. Mmmmmmm…bacon.

    I’m pretty sure I can relate. In fact, I could have written those first five sentences. Except the second one would have been a lie…I DID scream at people even though I oughtn’t have. I just had my leg sawed in two pieces. But it’s okay. They put it back together.

  25. @RJ Sounds like your daughter is going through a tough thing. Anxiety is an asshole and to have it be that bad that young is hard. BUT it sounds like she has an amazing support system. Just having people to talk to who won’t tell you to “get over it” or “don’t be silly” is an amazing thing.
    I don’t want to lie to her, I’ve suffered from anxiety my entire life. But with the help of therapy, anxiety medication and an amazing support system, I can live a normal (whatever that means) life. Some days are hard. Sadly, there will always be hard days. But there will be good ones too. Tell her that she is amazing and precious and that you love her.
    My advice, what’s working for me, is that I declared 2014 the year of being nice to myself. When I have those bad days, when depression kicks in and anxiety is at it’s highest, it’s SO EASY to slip into the negative spiral of “why bother, I’m always going to be miserable…etc”. Instead, I stop myself and think of how awesome I am. I focus on what’s great about me. My knitting, my friends, my family and how they all love me. I focus on the stuff I like to do. Even if it’s solitary. I focus on the positive the best I can instead of letting the negative overwhelm me.

    Good luck to both of you, she sounds like strong kid.

  26. It seems these “keep your chin up” posts always come at the perfect time. You must be psychic or have magical powers. Either way, fucking yes. We WILL survive in spite of those bastards.

    AND. I’m so glad you know the internet would commit murder for you. Cause we totally would.

    keeps pointy stick at the ready

  27. Read it as “homing pigeons falling out of trees”…couldn’t wrap my brain around the situation right from the start.

  30. I remember telling myself: I can still go rollerblading, and that’s just fine.
    I don’t rollerblade anymore, but I still tell myself that. Keeps things in perspective.
    You did that for me today. Thanks.

  31. We’re all here: ready to scream at someone and defend you with pointy objects. Or to send you bacon and kitten blankets (although aren’t claws hurty?).

    I’m partial to dresses with pockets myself. It’s amazing what you can fit in those.

  32. Big hugs. Don’t feel like you HAVE to say anything if you can’t/don’t want to. We love you uncondubittlely. Yes, we sometimes make up words to show just how much we care about you, but that’s because you’re so, well, like us. Kind of like the Queen of us. Remember depression lies, and people tend to act like humans, which is to say, they really can’t act like uncaring animals at time. But we love you! Take care.

  33. I think it’s that time of year or something because I know so many people (myself included) who are feeling kinda sideways.Totally get that whole looking back and thinking “calm your ass down” part too! That song. It really is what I needed to hear today.

  35. Thank you for posts like these. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who has shitty times, so when you talk about yours, it makes me feel normal, and better, and like I can keep going and it will all work out. Thanks again.

  36. It’s been a really shit month in my head, too, and “people who are me when my head gets all shitty and holds me hostage”. I recently started doing CBT online with a free program called MoodGYM, the first of any kind of therapy I’ve had because I’m too scared to go to a therapist about my depression and anxiety. It’s helped me so far, and I hope putting it out here helps someone else, too.

    Thank you for being honest, Jenny.

  37. Dear, remember that depression lies and sometimes your emotions will to. We are here just hanging out with our hearts pulling for you.

  38. Rhonda, absolutely! I think the vacation is currently over for way too many of us. I just spent almost 3 yrs paying off a bankruptcy 100% (early mind you). Thought, great now I have over $600 a month “extra” so I’ll start a retirement fund since I’m over 50 and have none. March was my last payment, had to get a new car. Ok, make the 300 extra. April 1, lost my job, denied unemployment and still no sign of a job. I’ll figure something out but damn am I tired of having to do that! Oh well, just hope it doesn’t come down to using eBay to auction off the TARDIS cookie jar Jenny signed for me while on her book tour.

    We will ALL find a way back to our happy places, it just takes time. Hang in there Jenny, you have a legion of supporters and we all adore you. Blessed be and feel the love.

  39. Pudding balloons. They’re not harmful, they make a mess, and I don’t think you can get arrested for throwing them at people/cars.
    Ahem. 🙂
    Throwing things is sometimes almost as good as screaming at people.

    And by pudding balloons I mean like a water balloon but instead of water in there, it’s pudding.

  40. It must be the air. Ive had so many huge swings between good, aweful, ok, horrific, and just not great.
    Your depression is a lying bastard is getting me through so thank you.

  41. For RJ: I was your daughter when I was 13. Tell her that a random stranger on the internet can assure her that it absolutely DOES get better! I can’t pretend that I always have my life together, but I get closer every day. 🙂 Hang in there. Both of you. Watching my 10 year old struggle with anxiety is far harder than dealing with my own (further proof of how far I’ve come).

  42. I frequently want to scream at people that I can’t scream at. To me, that is not a bad thing, it only becomes a bad thing when you start to scream at them! 😉 I also want to live in a world with more bacon where I have better hair and always spell things correctly!!And of course, more pockets is always a good thing! 😉

  43. Thank you. So much. I am sitting at my desk at work crying like a baby because the song you posted IS perfect. I needed that so much today. I know you hear this so many millions of times but I am so grateful you put into words what I feel but can’t express. I sometimes send your link to my husband (who doesn’t understand at all) and I say “read this. she knows. and she can write…read this and then you will understand” and sometimes it helps. Thank you.

  44. I connected on so many levels with this post including becoming a hermit and the past month has been a mess for so many people I know (me included). The other day, I literally put one of those inner voices in a time out. Seriously. Imagined pulling her by her arm and sitting her in a chair and telling her that her behavior (telling me what an awful person I was) was unacceptable. It was surprisingly effective.

  45. Hey I’ve been there! Definitely a cat blanket (maybe even a puppy or two) and more chocolate for me! Chin up! Things will get better!

  46. Thank you for sharing that song. I’m going over to Spotify to listen to more of Tim Minchin. This song is not on Spotify though.

  47. Long-time reader, first-time poster. Every time I read a new post from you, I talk to the screen and say, “Exactly!”. That is, after I’ve pulled myself together after my bout of hysterical laughter. You rock, sister – keep doing what you do.

    And Tim Minchin is brilliant. Always brightens my day. As a fellow ginger, my anthem is “Prejudice”.

  48. You are the one that introduced me to the awesomeness that is Tim Minchin. Thank you for that!

  49. Also, @ RJ up there at comment #2, YOU are making a huge difference in her life right now, just by acknowledging that you understand. I dealt with horrible anxiety my whole life and never knew what it was. never knew how to express it, never knew that it could be helped and never had anyone understand. I didn’t even know what it was until i was 28, getting divorced and telling a Dr that I was just broken. It DOES get better. She will feel better. Being 13 is the pits and having anxiety on top of it feels like no one in the world can possibly have ever felt as awful as you feel every day. I remember it vividly. My mom said it was teenage hormones and that everyone feels that way. She didn’t understand and she was wrong. And I suffered through it all every day because she said it was normal. YOU are wonderful. And so is she.

  50. I nearly bit a hole in my tongue yesterday to stop myself from screaming at a person I can’t scream at. Ah well, hopefully she’ll retire at some point in the next ten years.
    I won’t offer to stab people with a pointy stick for you. But if you ever give in to the urge yourself and need an alibi, let me know.

  51. I can completely relate to what you are feeling. Things have taken over for me too. Unfortunately when things take over I try to hide and I end up hurting myself (yes, I am a cutter). I am going to therapy and trying to find the right combination of drugs, but I just feel like everything is falling apart and I don’t even know where to start to ‘calm my ass down.’ But I like to come visit you, because I feel if you can crawl out and get your shit together , then maybe I can do that as well.

  54. Besides when they try to eat your hair and knead your stomach in places where your stomach should never be kneaded, live cat blankets are the best, especially with the purring option.

    Also, I know it’s tough to call people you love bastards. But sometimes it needs to be said, I think. If only to get the toxic thoughts outside of you. I know that might be hard for some people to hear. But those people don’t have to read my blog.

  55. Another song I love when I’m feeling wonky is F**king Perfect by Pink. Here’s a link, if you haven’t heard it…

  58. Thank you for speaking for those many of us with voices that are seldom, if ever, heard. You’re spot on, as usual.

  60. For RJ and his daughter-

    Had an epiphany earlier this week that may help or may not. Was having a very rough and emotional, for no apparent reason Monday. Was still very down on Tues morning driving to work. Heard a song from the past and realized that as an adult, I may stress but I have way better means to cope, than I did as a young woman and teenager – just angsting over when I would see the person from the band playing the song again, when someone would really love me, when people would stop being assholes and trying to bully me and my family for being “different”. There was so much in my younger years that at the time felt so completely debilitating, yet I have learned as an adult, that they are part of the reason I am stronger and more capable now. At the time, in the moment, it is completely overwhelming, but it DOES pass. And there are some really incredible moments in life that are worth getting through the hard ones. Tell her there ARE other people out there like her, who have gone through similar struggles and made it through. Not necessarily to the other side – but through. And that is ok too. Its important for her to know she in NOT alone and is NOT a freak but part of a large part of society no ones wants to admit to being, let alone admit exists. Life does get more difficult and slightly easier too with experience and perspective. Angst and anxiety will always be there in some form, we just learn to deal, cope or contain and she will too.

    For Jenny – any one of us, or many of us, would create kitten pockets, run amok and scream or commit stabby mayhem for you the SECOND you asked..so if ever in need- post it and it will be done. We love you.

  61. hugs and hugs to you. thank you for always sharing, even when it’s a little bit. especially when it’s a little bit 🙂

  62. Me too. It’s been a tough one. Got through it, Fell apart, and now staring to regroup.

  64. RJ, I wanted to comment to you because my 13 year old son also suffers from crippling anxiety in exactly the same way as your daughter. I don’t have any answers and while he is way better than this time last year where he wouldn’t leave the house for anything (including school which he loves too). But it is a day to day or week to week thing. In an ironic but not uncommon twist much of my sons anxiety is about not wanting people to know he has anxiety and how it affects him. He wants to appear what he thinks everybody else is like. Part of the reason I read censored Jenny with (aside that she is pee your pants funny and utterly absurd) is that in sharing her struggles she found a huge tribe that loves, not judges, her — and it turns out a lot others are like her (well minus the marital conversations about unicorn clubs and such). I try to encourage him to follow that example — and it took me way too many years to learn this — and trust some people to be honest with about his struggles. It gets better and a lot less lonely when you share it with others and find the ones who accept and support you and almost always have some of their own that weren’t visible on the surface. That’s also why we watch the It Gets Better videos. Anxiety sucks. Being a teen sometimes sucks. Other people sometimes suck and are judgy. But find your tribe. . . And it gets better.

  65. I have a warm blanket made of a live cat. Her name is Dora. I’ll let you know the next time I feel like giving her away because she believes ALL I WANT TO DO IN LIFE IS HOLD HER.

  66. Dear RJ: I hope you are able to find the right combination of magic to help your daughter. Lots of love.
    Dear Jenny: We’ll always have pointy sticks ready. And open arms, available ears and shoulders (but not in the put on your wall way…), and celebrate every victory with you. Even if the victory of the day is that you got out of bed, put on clean yoga pants (and a bra… – but that’s optional), and ate something.

  67. Oh God, Tim Minchin and you, it doesn’t get any better :).

    Sometimes I feel that only you and Allie Brosh get me, although you don’t know me in my head we are best friends (OK, that was kinda creepy-stalkerish but I had to say it). Normal people scare the shit out of me.

  68. Ugh, sorry you’re going thorugh a patch like that. THey suck. Fuck that shit… but then it say “ha!” and fucks you back. And not int he fun way.

    My pattern is stress, have major chronic health issues flare, followed fear they’ll never get better, and then numb until I’m ready to start fighting again.

  69. Thanks for the song. Hadn’t heard that one, but it made me cry as much as his “White Wine in the Sun” piece.

    Hope you feel in a better place soon.

  70. I find that it’s those darkest, loneliest, most confusing moments that make me a bright, shining light. We don’t grow by being comfortable. Somehow I usually don’t remember (or comprehend) this concept when I’m in that dark place. But other people do. And the good ones always remind me of my truth rather than my lies. Keep on breathing, that’s the one thing we can do perfectly. Unless we have asthma.

  71. I propose that we all stab the voodoo dolls of these people instead of the people themselves. It’s a close second. I’ll get my stick.

  72. Hugs to Jenny! RJ, I’m sending a hug to you and your daughter. In fact, hugs to everyone here (including the doggie in the cone of floatation device)! I had a charming little attack yesterday and still don’t want to leave the house, although it is GORGEOUS outside, and my little vegetable plants want to be planted in the garden. I’m being patient with myself, because I know that when I am ready to go out, everything will be where I need it to be. I think that’s all any of us can really do. We’re all loved (even when we don’t feel it) and we’re all needed (even if we don’t see it). And when I want to scream at people, I watch this Mitchell and Webb skit. UP YOURS!!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLIDkIbKKlk (ps, that’s Robert Webb’s wife and baby! No wonder it’s so realistic!)

  73. I was just telling my best friend yesterday about how I’m not ashamed of talking about my mental illness, and that a large part of that is due to you. So thanks for that.

  74. I woke up this morning from a call from my mom’s nursing home nurse. It made me want to scream and cry and hit things. Probably will pillows, otherwise I’d feel guilty, but it is still very unlike me want to hit things at all. Bleh. People suck. I am going to become a hermit and raise alpacas. And then my daughter screamed (not sang) “Let It Go” from Frozen and things seem a tiny bit better….

  76. I won’t ever stab anyone for you but I would certainly waterboard them. Or sit on them and drool spit in their mouths. Or tell everyone I know that they secretly eat their boogers.

  77. You don’t know me but I got to tell you this. My sister was dying back in Feb and I had a night where I was sitting on my mom’s couch in Hou sobbing with the knowledge of what was happening. Couldn’t sleep. Grabbed your book (that was an awesome Christmas present from my sweetie) and read awhile. It made be laugh out loud and pulled me out of the cave. I finally finished reading it the other day (you know just a few pages a time at night around kids, work, life, executor yuckiness) and I miss it terribly. I guess I will start over. You are an amazing lady and funny as hell. You will rise above the crap. Hang in there funny lady.

  78. @RJ: Everything that Jenny and everyone else has said. It gets better. The next few years will be hard but it does get better. She will have ups and downs but as long as she remembers that she is loved not only by you but by complete strangers who want to see her succeed she will be fine. It took me many, many, many years to learn that it can get better and even more before it really did get better. Even now, as I face something that is unlikely to get better I still believe that life does get better even when it possibly can’t.

  79. @Jenny You have an entire tribe who is here to help any time you need it. If you ever need a real person aside from the other real people you have in your life, I am here. Just down the road a bit and always willing to listen and sit and cry and scream and yell with you if you need it.

  81. We will be here when you are ready. Know that there are thousands of us who feel the same way and you are not alone.

  83. Neurotransmitters. Chemicals in our brain that can cause so many different feelings and actions. Sometimes I hate them, sometimes I make peace with them. We ara always stuck together in this body and as much as I hate some of the things they do to me, I am so eternally grateful for the positives. Wish they wouldn’t be so stingy and give more positives, but at least now, thanks to three prescriptions and lots of therapy, we are on speaking terms again. Peace be with you. You are important, you are loved and the world is a much better place because you are on it.

  84. I have so been there, and I know exactly what you are going through. You are my favorite blogger, and put a smile on my face every time I read your stuff. Feel better soon hun, and no worries things will calm down for you eventually!

  85. Shit sucks, then it doesn’t. We all understand – you help many of us through the sucks parts, and we have your metaphysical back when the sucks. Love ya! (Not creepy stalker-ish love, you-make-me-laugh-when-life-is-shit love.)

  88. Is a pointy stick similar to a shank? If all else fails you could always stab someone with Beyoncé. Bonus: they’ll probably get tetanus in the process.

    On a more serious note: thank you for sharing the highs and the lows with us, even if you don’t feel like it’s much. It reminds so many of us that we’re not alone in whatever battle we’re fighting.
    Depression’s a lying asshole, keep fighting (I’m saying this more to myself really, but to others as well).

  89. Scrub pants – not only are they super comfy (and flexible around minor fluctuations in weight), but they also have lots of pockets and come in all sorts of lively colors (or even more toned down ones, like khaki, that you can wear out). Iguana Meds, Koi, and Grey’s Anatomy are all on the soft, pajama side.

    Also, try not to suffocate under your kitty blanket.

  90. I’m with you there hon. You’re not alone. Just reach out when you need your people. You know we’re there…with pointy sharp things if necessary.

    To RJ with the anxious teen. When my anxiety acts up I write it down. I try to catch all those thoughts and words cycloning in my head and put them on paper. It helps to dissipate the anxiety until I’m more functional again. Sometimes it’s a matter of feeling overwhelmed and out of control. At least in my case. The writing lets some of the bad stuff out so it’s no longer flying in the foreground. Good luck!!!

  92. For RJ,

    I’ve been battling depression on and off and now I deal with more anxiety than ever before. I’ll try to break it down for you in some steps:

    1.Therapy! It’s not miraculous (it takes a team-you, your daughter, the therapist/therapists) and you won’t see overnight results but the results will last many many years

    1. Relaxing! I’ve found that running helps my anxiety a lot. Also, she should do something that she enjoys every day. Have you tried bibliotherapy? Books also help a lot with my anxiety. I think there are scientific studies out there that prove the healing power of art, so maybe she can express herself in some way and learn to relax.

    2. She has you! I was already battling an eating disorder at that age and my parents knew nothing about it (before you think ‘bad parents’: it’s hard to raise a depressed and angsty child when you’re having a lot of your own shit to deal with). You might feel out of control sometimes but she has you and that is just great.I cannot stress that enough: just be there for her and it will turn out just fine.

  93. Ditto what ^Julanne wrote up there. I love ya, girl. And I’ll stab anyone you need me to. And I don’t even know you in real life. Ahhhhhh, the power of the interwebs.

  94. I get it. I am sorry things suck right now. We all adore you and we will all still be here when you get back. You know this but you might not be able to hear it right now so I will write it down for later. You are loved, admired and respected because of all that you are not because of what you are not. Keep fighting the good fight. May you find your way back soon. <3

  95. All brilliant people suffer from the same malady. I’m older than you and my advice is: whenever you feel it coming on, give into it as fast as you can, because the longer you fight it, the longer it lasts. Open a bottle of wine (or whatever) listen to the saddest music you own (I have a playlist named “Sad Ass Songs”) then wallow! Scream, cry and cuss out everybody on your shit list until you get over it or bore yourself, which in my case doesn’t take very long. P.S. It’s wise to have the house to yourself before doing this in order to avoid the possibility of involuntary mental commitment proceedings.

  96. Thank you for posting that song. It’s perfect for the last 6 weeks. I’ve been mood-swingin’ like a mofo…
    PS. I also read “pointy sticks” as “pony sticks” at first. Maybe you need a pony?

  98. Hang in there, bloggess ours. We need you. Not that you have to feel responsible for our mental health or anything, but, well, we need you.

  99. I totally empathize with your situation. Having so many problems in trying to find a new doctor and get back on track with meds and stuff has just really set me back this month. Im basically dragging myself to the end of this school semester with the promise of a summer break. You know, where you hibernate in the house in ac from the South Texas heat and just basically do nothing. Cannot wait…

  101. @RJ — all that’s been said here and more. It does get better. Then it gets worse. Then it gets better again. Therapy and meds and exercise and hugs and books and music and all sorts of other things can help keep the shittiness at bay. I have suffered bouts of anxiety and depression and OCD most of my life — starting at about 10 (where my sweet daughter is now and I seem to have shared with her 🙁 ). I didn’t know what was wrong with me — I didn’t have a name for it. I thought I was just wrong and broken. Now that I know what it is and that I’m not alone, it’s better. It still comes, but I know now that I’m not broken. Or, at least, lots of other people are broken in the same way I am. Just love your daughter and let her know that it’s not her fault, and that you will be with her no matter what. I hope she can find the right helpers to make her life easier. And Jenny — you do what you gotta do. Most of what I wrote up there is in part because of you and your wonderful readers who share the ups and downs of their own stories. Hugs and cat-blanket cuddles to all of you 🙂

  102. I suffer from depression, anxiety and ptsd. I’ve kept shit under control for quite a while now. Thanks meds. In the last month there have been a few triggers that sent me spiraling to a place I haven’t been in years. Can’t leave the house, but my employer is dragging their feet to grant me short term disability, it’s been three weeks since I’ve been paid, so now we add debilitating guilt that I’m not providing for my kids. They also suffer from ptsd due to the same violent horse’s ass. Sorry for whining, just hoping for suggestions on where to turn? Anybody? Jennie, thanks for making it feel okay to admit that I am dealing with mental health issues. Thanks for being a voice for those of us not strong enough to speak out.

  103. This describes me perfectly. Perfectly. Except my blanket would be made of puppies.

  105. “White Wine in the Sun” is my favorite Tim Minchen song and Christmas song. If you need a good cry, listen to that.

  106. Been here many, MANY times but it’s the humor in life that gets me through, even when I feel the walls falling down around me. Sometimes I just have to retreat into my emotional cave for a few days (or as the kids refer to it—my “dark place”). Once I come back out into the sunshine, the world is right again. Sometimes you just have to give you brain and your heart a little rest form the negativity in the world. You’ll be okay….you still have your humor. And bacon.

  107. Bacon makes most everything better. You should start hoarding it, though. There’sa severe drought here in California and also some weird disease killing the baby pigs. It’s driving price up and we may even run out of bacon. This would be an apocalypse of Biblical proportions!

  108. Didn’t have time to read all of the comments (saving for when I get home so I’ll quit snorting green tea through my nose at work!), but I just wanted to say 2 things:

    1- DO NOT STITCH LIVE CATS TOGETHER!!!
    2- Thank you for being so open and honest, even when you have a messy tangle in your head and can’t be funny. A lot of us fight that same tangle (and sometimes even do scream at people we’re not supposed to scream at), and it helps to know that not only are we not alone, we have a beautiful, funny, outspoken advocate who is living the same thing! I hope your life gets calm quickly, and that the next “down swing” is a long time off!

  109. Thanks, it really fits where I’m at today too. And who the hell would wish for perfect? How boring would THAT be?!

  110. Fits where I’ve been all week. I’ve been listening to that song and Prejudice on repeat since Monday, so imagine my surprise when I saw it here! Hope that tomorrow is better!

  113. RJ…hearing it “will get better” helps but I try to focus on my victories along the way. It helps me realize I am getting better and working through my anxieties in meaningful ways. Journaling helps – I can flip through my past anxieties and read how I got through them and learn something from it. It gives me strength knowing I have worked through it in the past and with time, love and patience I can work through it again. Hugs to you all!!

  114. There are those people, who just seem to make it their life’s purpose to get in your way. I know the feeling so well. It’d be so nice to drive around life in a tank sometimes. You know, one of those ones with a huge turret you can swivel around. And that crushes cars, And buses. And big trucks. And taxis that don’t stop in the rain.

  117. Nothing to say that other people haven’t already said, but just wanted to add my voice to the hundreds of others in your tribe and say “I love you, Jenny.” You are a tremendous person, flawed like everyone, but admirable in SOOOO many ways. I’m proud to be your BFF in Seattle. 🙂 (I am. You wrote it on my iPad cover so it’s true.)

  118. As long as it’s you telling you to “calm your ass down and get your shit together,” then it’s okay. If it’s someone else telling you to do that, then I will f**k them up for you.

  119. Depression DOES lie, and for me, it turns me into a nasty, short-tempered, shouting witch. It’s taken me a while to realize that my angry angry days are actually depression days. On those days, I end up wielding way too many pointy sticks at way too many people — and then really scaring those same people by being nice & sunny again the next day. Depression is quite a trickster that way.

  120. There are days I come here for help, and practically every time I do, you have posted a description of exactly what is going on in my head, that I haven’t figured out for myself yet. And as is with this blog, it’s so good to know I’m not alone and these things (although not normal) are shared with someone at the very least. Thanks for explaining me to me, it helps. So much.

  121. RJ–I have a son who suffered terribly from anxiety and depression in high school and college; meds and therapy helped very little. His father and I worried a lot about what would happen when he went out on his own. He met a very supportive group of friends after college, and as he grew older the attacks got less and less frequent. He barely has any now (at 28). I think a teen’s chemistry can be very different from their chemistry as an adult. Our best wishes to your whole family, and tell her to hang in there!

  122. I am world renowned mathematician (not that it matters), but your choice kept me going one more night. Thanks.

  123. I think you’ve moved from having a tribe to an entire army with pointy sticks, myself and my motorized scooter will lead the first wave in ok. We gotcha. I’m quite interested to hear about the homing pigeons and falling out of trees and honestly don’t think I’ve ever laughed or cried like I did reading your comments. You need to know you really are so strong writing down the bad and the good and being our microphone for something that’s so difficult to voice. I never heard that man’s name before you but thank you SO much. That is the best reminder

  124. Waiting for the “Armed with a Pointy Stick and not afraid to use it” t-shirt. I’m all about protecting the people I like and you are one of them. “I’m sorry” or “You’re Welcome”, whichever sentiment fits best for you.

  125. Ok, mot going to try and take my little Pollyanna flute and whistle sunshine up your hoohaw, but I am going to send you this—it’s a link, to a tweet, because I cannot figure out how to get the picture in this comment box because I am lacking the skills. Also lacking brevity, but click. I think, just maybe, it might you know, make things a smidge less shitty. https://twitter.com/AmandaMagee/status/459786715113066496

  128. Thanks for this today! I’m going through some weird stuff right now that intellectually I know is temporary, but still feels overwhelming at times. This is being complicated by hormonal spikes as I have now entered what my PCP cheerfully assured me was “perimenopause,” so I have the joy of re-experiencing puberty from the other side. Kinda suspect that’s leading to the stress and craziness. Meanwhile, I could truly get into a pointy stick mob. Where should we go first?

  130. Much love, lady. It will get better. Always does. Trust the cycle for that much at least.
    ♥

    Oh and pockets. I wish you pockets. Lots of pockets. And live cat blankets. That would be cool. Or terrifying. Not sure which.

  131. It’s been hellacious all over. I blame living. Like when Spike sings to Buffy, “Life’s not a song. Life isn’t bliss. Life is just THIS. It’s liiiiiiving. You have to go on liiiiiving.” Although he was a wee bit wrong. It can be bliss sometimes. These are just apparently not those times, I guess.

  133. It helps to know that there are others out there who feel the same way. Makes you feel less loser-ly. Anyway, here’s to your ‘more bacon’ and I’ll just have more 50% off Easter candy.

  134. Me, too! Kind of a shitty time (depressed, anxious, eating/sleeping too much, hiding out) for me and I can’t seem to make myself do the things that I know will help. But this, here, HELPS. Just knowing I’m not alone and having some new words to use (brittle) and a mantra (depression lies!) have crept into my brain.

    Last week I was on a 9.5 hour flight and was trapped by my plus-size body trying to get out of my seat and the guy in front of me who had his seat reclined all the way back to the ‘dental hygienist’ position. I did get out, finally, went to the washroom and cried. That’s when I thought “brittle–this is feeling brittle”.

    Thank you, Jenny and everyone here. A better day/month/year to all with no Pointy Sticks required!!!

  136. The mental image of a living cat blanket trying to cross the room is almost scary! But it sounds comfy.

  137. Big hugs from the internets to you, lady.

    One of the sayings that I have to keep going back to is something along the lines of:

    If we all put our problems in a pile, we’d still probably choose our own.

    Also……one day at a time. It’s all we can do.

    Hang in there, eh. 😉

  140. Warm blankets made of live cats!! YES. I will buy one as soon as they are available in your shop.
    I often hate people, and then realize the person was me, using their voice. Still, I can’t seem to fight it, even though I know all my weaknesses. Blast.
    Hoping everybody shuts up soon :o)

  141. Thank you, Jenny, for being you. Thank you for always sharing with all of us no matter what mood you’re in. I am grateful that you are out there in this world and writing and blogging. I am grateful for all the laughter AND tears your writing has brought me.

  142. I totally hear you when you want to yell about those damn bastards but can’t. I hope you have someone in your life that you can scream and talk and rant and complain to about the things or people who you can’t write about. And for the record…I HAVE MANY POINTY STICKS!!!

  144. The blanket of live cats thing terrified me for a moment, because during a pretty terrible week I broke down a little bit and someone asked what would help – I told them if they could get me a room full of kittens I could just go lie down on the floor of and have kittens just mewing and clambering all over me in an adorable, super-clumsy CAT BLANKET, then the world would be okay.
    And now I’m wishing there were a humane way to have cat-blankets just stationed in random points in every building, like fire blankets. Then instead of a fire, if someone notices someone with mental illness having a freakout – or hell, anyone having a bad day. As long as they like and aren’t afraid of cats – then they can just sneak up behind them and use the cat blanket to extinguish the unhappy.

  145. I think you and I are on the same schedule. We have different problems, but a lot of the same feelings, so thanks for sharing even a little bit. This afternoon I was all in my head and freaking out but I read this and told myself to “calm down and get your shit together” and I am calming down and taking some time to relax with the kitties and my girls. Thanks, Jenny.

  146. For the last week or so, every time I’m in church (which has been a lot for nerds like me, what with Holy Week and all) I’ve prayed for you. Depression shouldn’t win. Neither should the meanies who could stand to meet up with a pointy stick or two. Be well. <3

  147. Glad to know I’m not the only one who stabs the self-defeating thoughts with pointy things…. That’s a lie, I envision that the thoughts are little tiny me’s and I mow them down with a chain saw like Ash in Evil Dead.
    Also I want a blanket made of live cats, provided they’re cuddly cats and not mine, who hates with the power of a thousand suns to be touched.

  148. I know exactly how you feel Jenny, I’ve felt like that for so long I can’t remember when things were feeling good, or when/if things were ever normal.
    All we can do in those times is go on as best as we can; even when it’s an effort to operate even on autopilot, and reach out for anything, or anyone that can help. It might be stupid comedy movies, DVD’s games, or whatever, but anything that keeps you back from the precipice of self destruction is fine.
    As you’ve said yourself, when shitty stuff goes on it’s courageous rather than weakness that leads you to ask for help, so don’t be afraid to follow your own advice!
    Keep on, but you don’t need to pretend everything’s fine when it’s clearly not.

  149. Dang. Wish I had a dollar for every time I told myself to calm down and get my shit together. Then I could send you a blanket of kitties and keep one for myself. It is so “safe feeling” to have people around you that you can tell, “you know what? I’m not okay right now. It’s fucked up. But just stay here beside me (or leave me alone, whichever you need). ‘Kay. Thanks. “. Love you, Jenny!

  150. My dear, friend,
    I’m going to send you something that appears to be a request, but is actually a gift. Of laughter. I hope.
    Be well, my Bloggess.

  152. We all love you, Jenny and if there ever IS someone we can poke with a sharp stick, just let us know.

  153. Knowing there are so many people with pointy sticks can be scary except for when they are on your side. For some reason that is darkly comforting. Weird. And Awesome.

  154. I spent the day wanting to scream at people I can’t scream at — people that I must actively smile at and be pleasant to and not scream, “WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW!?!?!?” when they come to my desk with another version of the same idiotic question they’ve asked ninety times today already…. but I’m home now and there’s The Bloggess on my lovely interwebs and while I don’t need a blanket of live cats (it IS Phoenix), it sounds quite nice….

  155. You know us too well…pointy sticks at the ready… And definitely bacon.

  156. Jenny, thank you so much for this. That song/video was perfectly timed. Being 31 and drinking wine right now it was particularly…what’s the word? Like relevant, but stronger. Anyway, I’m glad that you don’t have to go through things alone, and thank you for reminding me that I don’t either.

  157. Know what? Sometimes we all long for fame and fortune. So not worth it. I’m sorry Jenny for the shit you are going through. We all go through stuff but at least ours can be private stuff. Take time, hide, take xanax, and cuddle with your nuclear family. Health is all that counts anyway.

  159. Thank you for those words, Jenny. They cheered me up immensely after a truly shitty week that came on the heels of six shitty months. And thank you for saying it’s OKAY to cry. Just two hours ago I was told by someone that crying “is a sign of weakness” and that they “disapprove of it.” Now, if only I had that bacon and warm blanket made of live cats…

  161. I shall make you a smock of pockets within pockets, which are all filled with live cats eating bacon. And voodoo dolls.

  163. All the pockets are on babies clothes. They have been taken from us and given to the babies to keep vomit in.

  164. Pahahaha! My current boss has been introduced to the pointy stick concept thanks to me. Not sure he completely gets it, but he has learned that when he hears it, I will be standing my ground regardless of consequences. Since my pointy sticks tend to save his ass…

  165. Jenny, Thank you for this today! That song just broke me down, and it was exactly what I needed. My dad had a stroke at the end of January, and since then I have felt as though I was on a treadmill of too much (I know that doesn’t make sense, but if anyone will understand, it will be you). I drive 35 miles each way to work 5 days a week, and then I come home and take care of my parent’s house and their bills and go visit at assisted living, and there is never a stopping point. I just needed that song to help me have a nice cry and let go of some of it. It doesn’t change it, but it gives me a laugh and a cry and that helps. I am sorry for all that is causing you pain right now, but please know that you are still so full of awesome, to help others even when you are down. Thank you so much for existing, and making the world a better place even when “it’s not perfect”.
    VK

  167. I’ve read about live cat blankets. They sound awesome. Of course, you’d have to transport yourself to Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkosigan universe to enjoy them…
    And I totally get the rest. /hugs

  168. I am SO glad it isn’t just me!! Weirdness has abounded for the last month or so here too… We will all get through it though – forget who said it, but a good quote, “Even the worst day in history only had 24 hours.” Hang in there Jenny! And yes, I have a pointy stick all ready and waiting, so you tell me who to go poke with it and I am THERE!! Also, look up images for ‘phnophlakes’ on Google – it has helped me laugh this last week when all I felt like doing was screaming. Or vomiting. Or lighting things on fire. You know… the usual.

  170. I want pony sticks too, now.

    You have described my last 18 months. Fortunately, for me, the people I have wanted to scream at have moved on, as in outside my daily realm. I have something of a history of outlasting the motherfuckers, but I was sure that trend was near the end.

    Today, I woke up with “Happy” stuck in my brain, and I sang what I remember of it with gusto during my morning routine. Over and over. And over. And I was.

    Everything is a phase – I truly believe that now – and I have enough years behind me to know the ultimate truth: This, too, shall pass. It may not pass in your preferred time frame, but if you can hold it together with Doritos & popsicles or cheese and beer, for now, you WILL get to the other side.

    I’ve said it before, and I mean it: I love you people. You keep me upright.

  171. OK, just because I want to one up you (no, not really. Just venting because I want to talk to everyone about this but everyone is tired of it) this has been an awful awful awful time for me too. Background – I am a kidney transplant patient. My older brother donated. My older brother is pure awesome in almost every way you can imagine. Because of him I’m alive and because of him I have the most amazing daughter in the world. Maybe even close to yours :). He is her godfather. Then he got cancer of the kidney. I felt awful because guess who has his backup? Yup. So he had two options – leave it alone (it’s a slow moving ancer and he’s 78; I guess you have to do the math) or remove it and go on dialysis. Oh, and he’s missing his larynx (cancer again) so finding a center that would dialyze him is nearly impossible. But he found one and opted to remove the kidney. A few days later he woe up feeling funny and by the time his wife called an ambulance he was dead.

    This guy was my big brother. I can’t put it any other way. He was there. Always. I had one older than he is and I lost him a few years ago. But this one is so hard.

    There is other stuff going on but this is long enough. When I was waiting for transplant, my counselor told me that when you are just stopped and want to give up, you need to put the emotion aside and go into Mr. Spock mode. Things do get better and I know that. Although right now it’s really dark out. I’m hanging in there. You do too. You’re a bright spot, so know that, even if you don’t feel like one. Thanks for the blog. Thanks for the video of your girl giggling – that was awesome. And just thanks.

  172. Wow, just wow….I don’ t suffer from ‘ clinical’ depression, but i do have ‘ down’ phases of time… could last a few days, weeks, even a month, but I am lucky enough to have trained myself to conveiniently forget or supress thoughts or situations that trouble me…i was not always this way…my late teen years i was probably depressed enough to actually be ‘ diagnosed’ …slept all day ( and night) , never came out of my room, hardly even ate, did not socialize, would not attend school, etc…then one morning, i woke up to a really cool song playing on the radio and i guess i just ‘snapped’ out of the funk..i relapsed quite a few times…postpartum was especially difficult, although i didn’t recognize it while i was in it…but i am happy to report that menopause has been kinder to me….just make it through to here and enjoy the ride….

  173. Oh, precious. Hang in there. Remember what you say to vampires in your head! As a Latin student, I’ll remind you that it’s… “Mortē, Vampir, mortē”. Keep on kicking ass, love! <3

  174. Damn, and I had my pointy stick all ready to go. I’ll keep it for the next time.

  175. I’m going to tell you exactly what I tell myself, “Calm the fuck down! Take a breath! People really do love you just the way you are! Your value is not measured by the voices in your mind! Depression lies! It’s that dog lying in the road that just won’t move no matter how long you lay on the horn.” I have to do this at least once a day, but I’ve learned that it helps to bring stuff back into perspective for me. I hope it does for you. I need you in this world. My family, who reads you, needs you. You are a touchstone for so many who battle with the lies our brains tell us. Know that you are loved and valued by people who don’t even know you. Now take a moment, or a month, and remember how awesome you are. Hugs.

  176. We have three adorable furry kittens here and I would love to post a picture on here, but I don’t know how or if I can, so I will post it on Facebook in the comments there for this post. I am having a tough time right now myself and they make me smile even on my worst days. Hang in there and check FB for cuteness to help cheer you! P.S. They are looking for new homes. *wink, wink

  177. Ugh I completely understand how you feel about wanting to scream. Two words NINJA CHEMO. A few weeks ago my 30 year old husband underwent an emergency quadruple bypass thanks to really bad genetic luck. We’re past the surgery but now he has NO platelets in his blood so he can’t clot, which is a huge problem. He could start bleeding from every orifice at any time, which isn’t as much fun as it sounds. So we sign up for a THERAPY this is supposed to fix this problem. Once it’s started we find out it’s chemotherapy. What the fuck?! How in the hell does this happen? Ninja chemo?! That WAS NOT part of the plan. They gave us the name of the drug but didn’t mention it’s a chemo drug till AFTER they started it. Also (this we just found out) we’ve probably fried our chances of having kids. We really wanted a family. I asked about side effects before they started and this was NOT told to us. We could have gone a different route. This WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. Plus this drug isn’t 100% guaranteed to work. He’s crushed and I’m angry. And depressed. Mostly at myself. The ONE TIME I don’t question every little thing, the one time I trusted a doctor this is what happens. I actually joined a support group for spouses of heart patients but I can’t bring myself to go or admit what’s happened to anyone else right now. It’s surreal. If I didn’t know myself… I’d think I made up it as a sick bid for attention. WHO the FUCK allows a Dr to give them chemo when they DON’T HAVE CANCER?! How does this relate to all things Jenny? I’ve had your book for a few years. I love it. I read it out loud to my husband while he’s been in the hospital and even though it hurts to laugh he says it’s well worth it. You survived radon well water and are surviving RA. So we’ll survive this. Because when it’s all said and done you have to survive. What other choice is there?!

  178. You have posted a lot of awesome songs for the moods of funky-ness. Do you by chance have a playlist for such moods that you would be willing to share with us?

  179. and to rj………what worked best for me at that age (and still works) to take the edge off was something tedious to do with my hands, like those macrame friendship bracelets….after a bit of working on one, i’d find myself so focused on that tedious/monotonous task, that the attack would generally have passed………..maybe it will work for your daughter too?

  180. Oh darling, I loved the song. And don’t forget to hold your head high. Take as much time as you need but don’t forget to “get your shit together”. That’s what I do. I allow myself time to wallow in the craziness of my mind but I don’t lose sight of that ever-elusive ‘moving on’ notion. Remember, it’s not hard – you just do what you’ve always done. You deal.
    Thanks again for posting. Just thanks for ‘getting me’. Yeah, you just get me.

  182. How do you feed a blanket of live cats? Is there a special bowl that comes with it when you purchase it? Just curious as to how much space to set aside in my house for that and the litterbox when they finally come on the market. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  183. I went to bed feeling all Slaughter House 5 – ish. Woke up worse. Your post helped. 😊

  184. I am where you are.
    Some days are easier than others. I can function where my drama isn’t. And that’s great. Thank goodness. But in those moments where I have to deal with the place of my drama, then it’s awful.
    But here’s the thing: somehow, “this” will look different in a year. I know it will. And who knows: maybe I’ll even learn something. . .

  185. My cat just tried to drag me off a chair backwards so I would go to the kitchen and scratch his ears while he eats. Think I have the wrong kind of cats for a blanket.

    Having one of those days when I worry about whether my state of mind is affecting my parenting. Still not sure but wee man seems happy enough.

  186. What is with April anyway? Passover…the queen of stress holidays is nothing compared with the shit going on in the office. Toddler shit, not even work related shit. It’s like the ground thaws and the 2-year olds emerge.

    If it is any small comfort whatsoever, you are not alone in wanting to scream at people.

  187. It’s been a weird spring, I think, for a lot of people. It’s hard when the things that affect your ‘real self’ the most are things (and people) you really can’t blog about. I know that place–I’m there a lot lately. I can tell when, by the gaps in my posts… some days there’s just nothing I can be funny about.

    My healing ‘thing’ (aside from just…faith) is to get away from ALL technology (the computer, the phone, work, TV, internet, even e-books–turn them OFF), and just go…live. So I give myself permission to leave all the screens turned OFF. I stay out of my office, and I garden, knit, read, cook, sit in the hot tub with a strong drink, or whatever. Some days I scream a lot, too, but not when anyone can hear me. Throwing things helps, too–sort of, unless I damage stuff, then it seems really stupid…

    Whatever makes you feel better, though, I wish a bunch of it for you.

    We are all here for you, with lots of love. And probably a freakishly large amount of pointy sticks.

  190. Thanks for being real, Jenny. You are awesome and perfect. When I feel that way I go somewhere semi rural and I pound the ground with my feet as I run and scream obscenities, I let the ocean storm rage within me with it’s 50-foot crashing waves and howling wind, and I cry and I touch the wet Earth and I fall to my knees and plead for help, plead that there is some force that is listening, and then I feel the breeze, and my breath and I see the little shoots of grass all covered in dew, and I see the sky with all it’s blue and clouds and sun and rain, and I feel better, and I know it will all happen again (probably in a month, exactly) but it’s mine and it’s life and this crazy wild, messy, love, hate, force that is moving through me is moving through all of existence. Sending you love and connection and not needing to figure it all out.

    -Karen

  192. I’ve never heard this song before, but today is the day I needed to hear it. Thank you so much.

  193. Welllllll….. I have pointy sticks when you need them. I wield them with accuracy and much fervor. Feel better, little one. I just took my vitamin D.

  195. I needed this tonight. They’re changing my medication & I’m laughing & crying & I love you all cause you’re me & I’m you & I know I’ll be okay…..cause you’ll get me through. I’ll read all the posts & know I’m not alone. Love you all.

  196. Sometimes your words could have easily been mine. I told family and friends I was done. Done as in DONE. Sick of this BS and can’t take anymore. Then things got worse. My mother died, my car broke down, and I had a kitchen fire that I was lucky to make it out of with only minor 2nd degree burns. Life has a profound way of falling apart and giving us perspective at the same time. This has been one hell of a year, but I carry on as if I’m going to make it through all of this, and somehow, I do. I have no doubt that you will continue to do the same. At any rate, my pointy sticks are prepared for stabbing whenever you care to share your hit list. 🙂

  197. Thank you for putting into words my crazy thoughts. I’m sorry that things suck right now, but it’s nice to know I’m not alone. As for pointy stick stabbings, we could trade lists a la “Strangers on a Train.” I’ll be Farley Granger.
    Keep on keeping on. 🙂

  198. It IS weird when things go weird- I tend to shop my way through it I think…or eat. Eating is good. Hope you have a relaxing break.

  199. This is why I read your blog. Because you are out there and like this and when I’m like this at least I know someone else is like this, and maybe our weird things are normal for that small subset of weird people. These posts help, know that.

  200. I wish there was something I could do besides let you know that I hear you, I totally understand where you are coming from, and, am hoping myself that “this too, shall pass” is the rule in control. One of the reasons I enjoy driving alone is that I can scream, at the top of my lungs, and, usually not bother anyone else.
    Best wishes, and, positive energies to you and Victor!
    Bee Man Dave.

  201. I can related on so many levels to how you have been feeling. Love this post. Thanks for sharing and being awesomely unconventional 🙂
    -Sarah Virginia

  202. The truth of the matter, always, is that you are loved through whatever hellish things the world (or your sometimes-traitorous mind) can throw at you. Depression is a tricky bastard but it lies. We love you more than you know. We are here for you for the long haul. The sunshine will find its way in again. All of us have the utmost faith in you.

    XO

  203. Ohhhhh… For sure have those days too. And you do. You DO look back on them and say, “Wow. How funked out was I!?” But then in the next moment you’re all like, “today’s a great day and I did this and life is fun and productive and I love the human spirit”, blah, blah, blah… We all have days like that. It’s called being human. One day you wanna rip people’s faces off and punch someone in the vulva. The next, you’re all “Kumbaya”. Get it dude. Totally get it.

    And in case your’re having one of those days right now: I just finished your book and read the last 3 chapters out loud to my husband and 13-year-old son on our way home from Massachussetts (to PA). I cried it was over and can’t wait to read book 2. You rock Jenny.🐲

  205. Thank you, thank you for your honesty and being a place to turn to. My month has been rough too, but today, I looked at my blooming pink dogwood and my kids and was grateful and that’s good for today.

  206. Your faith that you’ll get through it makes me hope I can get through it too. Hang in there.

  209. Maybe the most useful thing a manager ever said to me: “When you’re in your own head you’re surrounded by the enemy.”

  210. You know what song I love? Let it Be by The Beatles. The first time I heard it I was grabbing dinner at Sonic and it was JUST what I needed in that moment. Best wishes that you have a better day today than yesterday and that tomorrow is even better. 🙂

  213. You know what always helps me when I’m feeling stabby? Taxidermy Sundays. Well, ok, I made that up, I had never thought of Taxidermy Sundays until I saw a course for it offered in London and immediately thought of you. Seriously – if anyone needs to learn to taxidermy for purposes of awesome, it’s you. http://idler.co.uk/product/art-and-craft/taxidermy-sunday/

  214. My son says it’s because of the Grand Cardinal Cross. I still think it’s because humans are defective as a species.

  215. Indeed. This covers it SO very well. I, too, tend to hide out (or as I call it, hermiting, because why should I not be able to make a new verb, right?) when things get shifty in my head. I can see it and I know what it is now, but it still isn’t fun. However, your statement that “suddenly it’s gone and I look back and think Really? You’re fine” is just completely perfect. Thank you.

  217. Jenny, I know how tough life can be, but you just lightened my day with your link to Tim Minchin’s world! I haven’t heard of him until I read your blog. Funny funny stuff! Thank you, Denise S

  218. We will continue to hoard our pitchforks and torches in case you need them. I hope your feels return soon.

  219. Yeah it’s humorous how problems such as this one start looking ridiculously unimportant when compared to the world news. The next section of the cold war, the actual true war that erupts, Russia-China fuel deal axis… Nevertheless here we are with your social-media dilemmas, – can we notice the world has changed? I’m not declaring that which you come up with is unnecessary, I’m indicating that a certain amount of detachment is healthy. Thanks, Sarah @ http://phyto-renew350e.com/

  220. I’m not sure i ever told you, but you turned me on to Tim Minchin with this video, so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

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