This is why furniture stores almost never have thrones.

in Random Crap

Victor and I discussing Game of Thrones (or as I call it, “Wait, who is that again? Who’s that guy?  WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE?  WHAT IS HAPPENING?“):

me:  I don’t even understand why everyone is fighting for that knifey throne.  It looks bad-ass but it bet it’s incredibly uncomfortable.  If I were a King I’d sit in a hammock.

Victor:  That doesn’t quite establish fear like a throne made of hundreds of swords.

me:  I wouldn’t be afraid of a King who was sitting in a chair made of swords.  I’d think that he used up most of his swords making furniture.  But if I was a King sitting in a hammock then invading armies would be like, “Is that King in a hammock?  Where are all the swords that most Kings melt down to make into ottomans and shit?  This is weird.  Let’s run away quickly.”

Victor:  “Game of Hammocks.”  Doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

me:  It’d be one of those hammocks that have fringe on the bottom, but the fringe would be made out of the fingers of my enemies.

Victor:  Not imposing enough. me:  Hmm.  The fingers and penises of my enemies. Victor:  Closer.  But still not enough.

me:  Fine.  Then I guess I’d make a knifey chair like the Game of Thrones one.  But I’d also want it to be a recliner.  And to have a massage feature.  Although I suspect that would probably just massage the blades into your body, now that I think about it.

Victor:  Like a Lazy-Boy made of electric carving knives. me:  Fuck it.  I don’t want to be King anymore.  I really just want a hammock.

Victor:  Well, I’m glad we settled that.

me:  I have simple tastes.  Penis fringe optional.

i suspect Ned Stark was carrying this sword less for protection and more to use as a cane to lean on rather than sit on the Throne of a Thousand Paper Cuts. Even the crow looks concerned. Or hungry.
i suspect Ned Stark was carrying this sword less for protection and more to use as a cane to lean on rather than rest his weight on the Throne of Tetanus. Even the crow looks concerned. Or maybe he’s hungry.  Aren’t crows carnivorous?   That throne is  like a pointy bird feeder for crows.

PS.  Go back up and click on that Game of Thrones link on the top.  You’ll thank me.  Probably.

142 thoughts on “This is why furniture stores almost never have thrones.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Penis fringe. That may be the best combination of two words ever.

    I love Game of Thrones, but I am often confused. Not just by Game Of Thrones, though.

  2. Reason #2759 Not to Watch Game of Thrones: They’re definitely not using the right furniture.

    But yeah, I’m going to pass on being massaged with blades…although maybe you could make it into a new form of acupuncture.

  4. A massage chair with blades could be used on people who try to commit treason…. Now a king with a chair like that would be reason to fear. I do like your penis fringe hammock idea but how about each penis is filled with shots of rum? Now that’s my type of hammock.

  6. Penis fringe optional.

    I can honestly say, that’s the first time those 3 words used together have passed through my earholes.

    Penis fringe optional.

    Now I can’t stop saying it.

  7. What is the point of being king if you can’t lay in your hammock and do nothing? The king has a terrible job description. WHAT in the world are they all fighting for?

    What job lets me sit in the hammock all day and do nothing? I’ll sign up for that game.

  10. I don’t watch GOT because of all those swords and the buckets of blood that come from all those sword wounds. Can we maybe have a penis fringe club to go with the unicorns? THAT would be awesome.

  13. Thanks for always making me laugh! I love your blog and your book! Oh, and that Game of Thrones link just got me kicked out of a hospital waiting room. It’s impossible not to laugh out loud!!!

  14. Thanks for always making me laugh! I love your blog and your book! Oh, and that Game of Thrones link just got me kicked out of a hospital waiting room. It’s impossible not to laugh out loud!!!

  16. This post and videos has been an excellent start to the day.

  17. My theory? If more people had hammocks, there would be less fighting over pointy thrones. Or thrones. Or much of anything. Because if you’re in a hammock, are you in the mood to get up and fight? No. And neither is anyone else.

  18. The hair curlers kind of take away from the fierceness, though. Unless there are snakes wrapped around them.

  19. Throne of Tetanus. Scarier than a throne of swords, because tetanus gets ugly fast. Now that’s a powerful intimidation tactic.

  23. You look epicly pissed off in that throne. It’s probably because it isn’t a hammock. Although, those things are terrible to get out of. It’s too wobbly for my tastes. La-Z boy for the win.

  26. I haven’t started watching Game of Thrones yet, though everyone tells me I need too…now I know I was right in the first place. It sounds way to bloody confusing.

    As a circus side note, I wanted to let you know that I am reading your book, on my lunch break, at work. Everyone thinks I have gone batshit crazy because I just sit and snort laughing the whole time I am reading and eating my lunch, luckily there haven’t been any injuries with food going up my nose yet.

    Funny as hell.

  27. You make a fierce looking queen madame, and those penis fringed hammocks will make you the evil one to do battle with Khaleesi.

  29. Right on Tragic Sandwich! I have said many times that we would have world peace if everyone would just take a nap. Hammock thrones are the logical step to that goal.

  30. I’m giggling like crazy. Thank you for the pick me up to go with my morning coffee!

  31. What scares me is just how well your face fits that picture. If it weren’t for the previous post about how lazy you are and you obvious loves of napping in hammocks I would fear for the current global regimes…. Though really… If you took over the owrld things might get a little better.

  32. I believe crows are scavengers so they’ll eat meat if they can find it, or berries, or seeds, or whatever. Like bears.

  34. Glad to see that I’m not the only one who doesn’t understand Game of Thrones (just can’t bring myself to call it GOT).

  35. Just say no to the pie! And the wine! And necklaces from strangers! And if you’re smart, hammocks made of cotton or wool! Absorbent materials can soak up poison, and all. You’re welcome.

  36. Game of Thrones has ruined my life because I never knew how badly I wanted an army of testicle-less men that bow to me until I watched that damned show.

    The dream is over before it started.

    Jawa

  37. I love love love GOT having already devoured the books; and yes, the show does get confusing cause there are too darn many story lines and thebooks are like a jillion pages, so it’s hard to squeeze that into a hour-long show. However, if you go to Entertainment Weekly (ew.com) on Monday mornings, there is an absolutely spot-on recap, along with some great smart-ass and hilarious commentary. The gif at the end of last week’s recap of Jaime waving his golden hand over and over and over made me snort/giggle.

  39. Shouldn’t it really be Game of One Throne? Everyone wants the one, not the lots of them. You can only sit on one at a time anyway…

  40. The penis fringe… interesting… there would be lots of fellas walking around as unichs. That would be a good fear factor for a queen… even if she is on a hammock.

  41. TOTALLY a hammock kind of kingly dude myself. No fingers or penises hanging off of it though please.

  43. I’d probably make more of an effort to watch it if the throne had a penis fringe. Why don’t more books/shows have penis fringes?

    Watson: Mind the penis fringe, Sherlock!

    Sherlock: John, I cannot be expected to step over every disorderly row of genitalia that you encounter. Holy shit, it’s on my shoe.

    Watson: :shakes head: I did warn you, Sherlock. MARY! Come look at this!

  44. Well, you could have the sword throne and just use a banana hammock. Did you know banana hammocks are all the rage? Banana hammocks with finger fringe, now that would be a sight!

  45. I pretty much subsist on historical biographies and just plain old histories, and I’m sure they didn’t make thrones out of swords, because hello–not good for lounging and being kingish, plus, their head soldier guys would be all, “Oh THAT’S why we’re short on iron on the battlefield! We’re out there swinging MACES and trying to hit moving targets with a 25-foot wooden LANCE, and you’re in here, sitting on your BUTT, on all the SWORDS. I am SO NOT VOTING FOR YOU next time.”

    I think the ladies did get to do the hammock thing, though–but they called them a “litter”…which always confuses me, because the word “litter”, to me, just doesn’t conjure up royal women being carried around inside a silk-curtained box with lots of pillows. It makes me think of cat litter. Or those Indian thingamajigs that they dragged injured people on behind horses. Or those one-guy cart things in Asia where they pull you around. Or those fat old-time rulers in India being carried around on a platform eating nuts or whatever. Which make a hammock seem more regal, actually.

    But some of the rulers would have been totally down for using body parts as fringe…

    Not sure where that was going, but anyway. I like the way you think.

    Think I had too much coffee this morning.

  46. Ahhahah! That Bad-Lip-Reading vid is great. My son showed it to me the other day (we watch GoT together usually) and we both cracked up. I’ll have to show him your pic. Or. Maybe not (he doesn’t read you – silly guy! – he’d never get it…)

  47. You know about how penises were a major theme of decor in Pompeii, right? And we all know how that ended, right?

  49. The book mentions current and previous kings being injured by the throne.

    I can see why everyone’s confused as to who is who on the show. In the books you’ve got each person’s name associated with their actions. In the show it’s a lot of white dudes with English accents and they keep changing their clothes. And it’s a very large cast.

    I don’t have HBO so my GoT-related entertainment is waiting for the plot points that I know are coming and watching the internet lose its collective mind. Several more of these are coming up. One, in particular (the thing that happened at the end of Book 3), resulted in me actually yelling “Holy —-!” while reading the book.

  50. I love that Facebook suggested a Let it Go/Game of Thrones mashup beneath your post.

    I don’t watch the show but have season 1 at home on disc so maybe I’ll start. I hear this show called Mad Men is pretty good, I think it’s about a mental hospital, which is right up my alley, so I’m probably going to watch it first.

  51. That link was hilarious!! I would totally watch that show! Quick, somebody find a screenwriter to write a comedy about behind the scenes at a medieval theme park!!

  52. I’m thinking if you’re used to sitting on horses, a knife throne isn’t as uncomfortable a prospect, but I may be wrong…

  54. If you like Game of Thrones, you should watch Gay of Thrones, which is a recap of each episode. It’s that perfect blend of hilarious and inappropriate, much like your blog.

  55. I think a hammock throne would be fine. It gives the impression of total confidence, like any king in it isn’t even worried about invasion, or treasonous wives, or bastard sons or whatever–he’s just laying there, like “I GOT this.” Would you even want to try overthrowing a king who can’t even be bothered to sit up straight? That’s a guy without a fuck to give. Plus, penis fringe. Yeah, I’m not about to mess with that guy.

  56. Go ahead and have the hammock. If you need to have a throne of swords to exert your power, you’re not doing it right. Be imposing by smiting your enemies, not by sitting on rusty furniture.

  57. I just started watching Game of Thrones yesterday. A penis fringe hammock will now be part of my head canon.

  58. Good Lord, no…not optional! Penis fringe is absolutely mandatory!
    As a woman in a man’s industry (mechanical engineer) I have occasionally fun across the attitude of “Aww, ain’t that cute? Now, where’s somebody with testicles that can tell us what we need to do to fix our widget?”
    So, I bought myself some balls and keep them in my desk…that way I can pull them out and plop them down and say, “Here are my balls…I’m sure you feel better about my solution now that you know I have a pair.”
    I bet I would NEVER have to put up with shit if I had a penis fringe on my desk.

  59. ASassyRedhead, those words didn’t pass through your earholes. They passed through your eyeholes. Ponder that image for a while. ewww
    On the other hand, they could have passed through your earholes but only if you spoke the phrase out loud in which case your coworkers must be looking at you strangely now.

  61. Someone should petition to George R. R. Martin to include hammocks in the next books. I mean, why would you fight to sit on the world’s most uncomfortable throne?

  62. Someone should petition to George R. R. Martin to include hammocks in the next books. I mean, why would anyone fight to sit on the world’s most uncomfortable throne?

  64. I’d use dirty diapers as a weapon so my throne could be made of swords or penises it’s ok either way. And dirty diapers instills fear like no other. I once threatened to smack a television journalist in the face with a dirty diaper, and did she take me out of context? Nope. No she did not.

  66. I love Game of Thrones, but it is infuriating. You can’t keep the characters straight because they keep killing them off!

  68. I love how everyone has an English accent when George R.R. Martin is from New Jersey. I like to think of everyone in GoT talking like they’re on the Jersey Shore.

  69. Oh hey, that’s what I call Game of Thrones too. Or “All These White Men Look The Same”

    Also, that video was amazing. Thank you. Thank you so much.

  72. I totally read a FRIDGE made of penises and fingers. Not fringe. Had a whole different meaning…lol

  73. Oh my God, this is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life! I’m off to Kinko’s to see if they’ll blow it up to five by eight feet so I can hang it on my bedroom wall. MY WIFE IS GOING TO BE SO HAPPY when she sees her anniversary gift!

  74. I’m concerned about the smell of a dead penis fringe. I’m thinking the odor alone will be the thing that scare off your enemies. Also, it smacks of sexism, because hopefully you slayed at LEAST one badass woman who was worthy of enemy-ship? You better hope she’s over 45 with no bras so her boobs can sway with the dongles.

  75. I love Bad Lip Reading! That video was pretty much the best thing I’ve ever seen – and I’ve seen an obese 14 year old cat chase her tail and catch it.

  77. i have had zero desire to watch GoT (too many “who’s that?”s). Is it weird that silly bad lip reading link makes me want to try it out??

  78. This is off the topic, but there is a Twitter account entitled Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy). I feel that you would enjoy it! 🙂

  79. The video is amazing.
    I think the Hammock Throne would be awesome. It would be the ultimate test of might. If the potential King can get in and out of the hammock without being assassinated, they get to be King. Also, the Assassin’s Guild would be very rich and offer much needed employment to the realm.

  80. I’ve never watched the show so I feel totally out of the loop. Game of Hammocks I’d probably get into just for the name alone. And I’d need a hammock to sit in while watching just to make me feel part of the action.

  82. OH I NEEDED THAT. I’ve had an increasingly annoying attack of life — topped off with a neighbor who just got his teenager a basketball net and set it up in the street right outside my house. There is no curtain in the world thick enough to cut the thocking sound of a basketball. And she can be at it for hours.

    Thanks again for the ‘shoppage!

  83. I’m so glad I went back and watched that link. LMAO. At my house, all you hear is “Wait. Who’s that guy?” and “OMG, I hate renaissance faires.” Over and over again. I like your furniture plans better.

  87. Dear Bloggess, Awesome is your Blogdom. [Add any delicious link you needed not, exquisitely crazy enough for me you are, but hey, the kick of it just for, click again I shall.]

    You I thank, Hammock Queen, and follow ; )

  88. “Throne of Tenatus”….hahahahaaaa!!! Oh my. I’ve often looked at that throne and thought why anyone would kill to sit on it. Very funny post, too!

  91. Please make your picture on the throne into a LARGE poster for sale in your store so I can buy it for my ferocious daughter. Thanks. Nick

  94. Oh dear Lord….thank you for the Game of Thrones link! Now I need a nap from laughing so hard.

  97. I’ve said this before, but I don’t think I can say it enough. I love you. Thank you for being you and being in this world.

  100. After I read this I was scrolling through my facebook feed and saw a picture of a classic sculpture reclining in a hammock. Laughing. I guess I will never look at hammocks in the same way again.

    I am also constantly asking my boyfriend who is who in Game of Thrones. Especially when they actually change the actors! Also apparently the throne is meant to be totally uncomfortable, you are right there. Maybe you could have some pillows?

  102. I don’t watch Game of Thrones, but that link was hilarious! Although, that’s maybe not very nice since laughing kinda hurts after my procedure this morning. Hey, at least I don’t feel like I’m being cut in half anymore. No Ren Faire for me this weekend. Good thing it goes through the end of May. 🙂

    Frankly, I think a hammock with finger and penis fringe would be way scarier than a throne of swords. Maybe that’s just me.

  104. I had a very similar conversation about that uncomfortable looking throne with a few jokes about instant prostate exams thrown in 🙂

  105. Maybe it’s like a bed of nails–the more swords you have to distribute your weight over, the easier it is to rest on.

    Or it’s a throne of tetanus. Six on one hand, half a dozen on the other.

  106. Okay, I watched the GoT link. That was pretty funny!
    I don’t really get the throne made of swords either… would it be made of swords from those you conquered/defeated? Or Swords you’ve collected? Or swords you’ve collected by conquering/defeating your enemies? Or did someone just think it would be cool to make an imposing looking throne, and the first attempt, one made of nails, just wasn’t intimidating enough, so they thought, okay lets make one out of swords!
    In addition to this odd dialogue going on in my head now, I’m reminded of how much I wanted a hammock chair swing when I was a kid… um did I say when I was a kid? I meant pretty much continuously since I was a kid.

  108. I think a hammock with penis fringe would be more terrifying then a throne of swords. I am with you, I would see that and think “He’s used all his swords to make his throne, I’m not scared of him!”, where as, a hammock with penis fringe, I’d be all, like, “Oh hellz no, y’all!! That hammock has penis fringe and I don’t have a cup on. Run for your fucking lives!!!!”

  110. I just fell in love with you, all over again. 🙂 I think it was “Fringe of penises”- I swear I heard it to the Game of Thrones theme, too. Darling, I must say, you look fantastic in that throne. Save that shoop for bad days. They’ve got to make a badass but comfy version of that. We have better living through technology. If we can put a man on the moon, we can make a comfortable sword chair. Chiswick, fresh horses! Sorry, I got all excited and Brian Blessed-ed all over myself. Oh, what a mess!

  111. Are we talking “throne”? Then it should be made of lovely white porcelain, geeshy sakes you kids come up with the craziest ideas.

    I’m still getting the weasel every time I google myself, Thank Bloggess!

  113. Victor and I discussing Game of Thrones (or as I call it, “Wait, who is that again? Who’s that guy? WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE? WHAT IS HAPPENING?“):

    I have been reading the books for a year now and I LOVE your title. So true.

  116. THANK YOU!!! I relish every opportunity to impress and bond with my Game of Thrones-obsessed teenager. Okay, okay…I’m equally obsessed. But I only read the books. #gameofthronessnob only because the series has become his bonding activity with his dad. I’m two weeks and 4 books in and deeply confused.

  118. I’ve just spent the last few days (and nights if I’m honest) watching Game of Thrones from start to finish – and I agree, the chair looks nasty.
    Speaking of links – have you seen Game of Goats, you’ll never be able to listen to the opening credits in the same way again (I’m assuming you won’t, and it’s not just me – my sister thinks it is, and wishes I’d stop making the goat noises when she’s trying to actually watch the show…) LOL.

  119. I would worry, however, that a king in a hammock might be an easy target. What if someone bursts into the throne room to attack him? Have you ever tried to get out of a hammock in a hurry? Not an easy task. Also I feel like if I was ruling from a hammock I’d be napping a lot which also makes me an easy target. I’d nap from a sword throne too, though. Maybe I’m just not king material. Game of Naps is probably more my speed. House Marie: ‘Siesta is coming’

  121. I’ve lurked here for so long…after reading your book … never mind. The point is: there was a horse in the Kentucky Derby named “Danza”! And my brain instantly started singing “hold me closer, pony danza” and I just had to rush here and post this and hello? hello? Well, it seemed like a big deal at the time.

  124. I have to thank you — your posts are always so educational. I’ve watched every season of Game of Thrones and I NEVER made the connection that the throne was made out of swords. I just called it the “Pointy-throne”. Apparently I need to invest in better glasses.

  125. I love this post. And the photo. And now I want one of myself. But I’m probably too lazy to do it.

    And, after linking my last post to my comment, because you offered, why not, I see that my last post was also about Game of Thrones.

    Great minds.

  127. You know, they should use shrikes instead of crows/ravens for that movie. Less intelligent and less physically imposing, but shrikes impale their prey on thorns to hold it still for eating, since they don’t have talons like most other carnivorous birds. Corvids (like crows and ravens) are omnivores, and their territories aren’t generally decorated in impaled carcasses.

  128. You. are. a. genius. And thank you THANK YOU for the link.
    live long and prosper bloggess

  130. You could make a fortune working for Jysk – some sort of conquer-the-world-division… I’d hate to have to assemble my own penis-fringe hammock though, I’d want a lackey for that. 😉

  131. Wow. That Victor of yours is pretty bad ass. I mean, he isn’t scared of dangling penises of your enemies? That would scare the shit out of me, and I don’t even have a penis!

  132. I may be the only living soul who hasn’t watched game of thrones. A hammock with finger and penis fringe would scare me much more than a sword chair. I totally agree with you Jenny. It might be hard to get into and out of, cause I wouldn’t want to be touched by the fringe.

  133. I thank you. I love you. In a friendly, you-don’t-have-a-penis kind of way.

  134. Yeah, I think your version would scare me a lot more than the Iron Throne does. I don’t think I’ll be watching GoT any time soon though, after listening to my husband watching the Red Wedding (and it happened just when his mood was getting better and all… I really hated everyone involved at that moment!) 🙁

  135. Between the BLR video and the Game of Goats video, my office thinks I have completely lost it.

  136. You subtitle was very familiar. That’s all my husband says while we watch GoT…Who are these people? Which one is that? Where? What? King of who? Then he dozes off.

  137. She’s simply the best, isn’t she? Even my hubby, who is never impressed, was laughing when I told him about this.

  141. “(or as I call it, “Wait, who is that again? Who’s that guy? WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE? WHAT IS HAPPENING?“)”

    I LAUGHED my ass off when I read that first sentence, because that is exactly me every week. My ADD cannot handle this show. There are too many characters and the story line goes in 20 different directions. I can’t remember anything or keep any of it straight.

    BTW, I think Victor should totally get you a hammock for Mother’s Day now.

  142. It’s been a while since I read the first book, but I believe the king who created the sword throne was “mad” and that’s why they bumped him off. I have no idea once they got rid of him that someone didn’t change the darn thing into a hammock though.

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