This bird is NOT HAVING ANY OF IT.

in Random Crap, weekly reruns

We can’t get any more pets because we’re not responsible enough, so instead on weekends we go to shelters or pet stores to snuggle with the animals that no one else wants to snuggle with, like weird-looking dogs or cats who are missing limbs.  Even the weirdest animals eventually find a home but I’m not so sure about this one:

That is a parrot screaming at the top of his lungs.  There was a sign on his cage that said “See pet counselor for assistance” and I thought it was good that this bird had a counselor because it seemed like he was in real need of therapy.

I waved a clerk over and I was like, “Hey.  I think your bird is dying” and he said, “No.  He just does that for attention,” as if it was the 80,000th time he’d had to explain that.  And it probably was because a few minutes later another couple was like “What the…?  This bird is losing. his. shit.  Someone call security.  I think there’s been a murder.”

Apparently this bird learned that screaming gave it attention, and so that’s what it does whenever it sees someone nearby and then they go to see what it’s deal is and the bird thinks he’s succeeded.  It’s a weird definition of success, but so is measuring the amount of “likes” you got on Facebook, so more power to you, Mr. Screamy.

I told Victor that we should adopt Mr. Screamy because clearly no one else was ever going to take this bird home, and then Victor was like “There’s a reason for that.  It’s because he’s screaming,” and I said, “Yeah.  He’s screaming ‘LET ME LOVE YOU, VICTOR.’  Your ears just haven’t adjusted yet to his love language.  It’s the language of screaming.   Plus he’s really talented because he’s screaming even when he’s breathing in.  He’s like bagpipes, if bagpipes were a parrot.”

I think he would also be a good fit because I have anxiety disorder and my shrink suggested getting a therapy pet to help me relax.  Victor says this is probably the opposite of what she meant but I find it strangely calming because it’s like this bird is freaking out for me and I can just take a break from it.  Frankly, Mr. Screamy is a perfect representation of what’s going on in my brain when I’m having a panic attack, and if you gave him a martini you probably couldn’t tell us apart.  

Also, I think he’d make a great service animal for when I travel because that way other people on the plane have to suffer along with me and maybe they’ll develop more empathy, or at least let me off the plane first.  Plus, I wouldn’t have to worry about people judging me because when I was next to my Screaming-Parrot-Service-Animal it would be like I was practically invisible compared to him.  And people would probably let me go in front of them in long lines because my parrot would be sitting on my shoulder and screaming wildly at them as if they’d personally offended him in some way.

Victor say no, but I still think it’s a good idea.

****************

And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

sid

What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by SilkWords, which offers online choose-your-own-adventure erotica.  It could only get any better if it was free and came with bacon.  Except that this link lets you start a story for free and so now all  you need is the bacon.  BYOB.  Bring your own bacon.  Go check it out.  (Bacon optional.)

172 thoughts on “This bird is NOT HAVING ANY OF IT.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Well, you named him, so he’s yours. Go pick up Mr. Screamy. (best name ever)

  2. Omg love it. I get this bird. We have bearded dragon . Hes on hunger strike again. I keep telling my husband he’s too.thin and needs to eat more bc hes dying. Hes un~mildly Amused. Like Victor

  4. It’s hokey, but I love you. You make me feel it’s okay to be myself.
    I have three rescue cats that used to be feral and two robo-hamsters. And two tween boys. I could totally handle a screaming parrot. It would be a nice change of pace, actually.

  5. This would be (fairly) typical behavior of a cockatoo chick begging to be fed. I would guess that the bird was hand-fed and maybe weaned too abruptly, if the store employees consider it attention-seeking behavior.

  7. Welcome to daily life with any parrot! I am opening an exotic bird sanctuary to deal with exactly those birds from exactly those situations you’ve described. There are thousands of unwanted captive parrots, because basically they are TERRIBLE pets, haha! You sort of go deaf and stop caring about the noise, though – or are just immune in the first place.

    In any event, I’m glad you posted that video, because the more who see it, the better!

  8. I kind of love that bird. He’s like what my brain is doing only it can’t do it out loud. I just nodded throughout the entire video. Yes, bird, I understand.

  9. Parrots are ASSHOLES! My old housemate had two. An Amazon that would raise her squawking levels to match the noise levels in the room and an African Grey. African Greys have a two year old’s intelligence and they talk. This Grey would laugh and make other noises that a mimicking bird who has lived in a bedroom for a long time could pick up at the most inappropriate times. He’d also make the noise of a smoke detector with a low battery when he wanted attention. They also both threw their food everywhere and jumped in their water dishes.

    Also, parrots can live 50-75 years, so if you do have a parrot you love, you better make sure someone else is willing to take care of it after you die.

  10. That made my ears hurt. As a metaphor for your Mental Health I think that clip should really suffice, you don’t need to buy it and be picking sunflower seed husks out of your carpet for the rest of your life.

  11. hi. this doesn’t really have to do with your parrot post. just an in general, you’re awesome. and really what I needed a dose of right now.

  12. I’m glad this is “bad behavior” in a parrot and not trauma. At first I honestly thought he was screaming because he was from an abusive household.
    It still sounds heartbreaking to me. Someone, please spend quality time with him and teach him to use his words.

  13. Sounds like next door’s baby being ignored in the middle of the night to me.

    A friend of mine once had an African grey parrot that hated him. There´s just so much hate in parrots, Mind you, there are a lot of innocent prisoners in jail who hate the people who put them there. And a lot of guilty prisoners, who hate the people who put them there even more than the innocent ones do. Could there be even one prisoner who had enough love in their hearts to love their jailers? I mean Platonic love of course, not the love that dare not speak its name.

  15. I have what is suppose to be a relatively quiet bird and his occasional screams are still ear splitting! Also he has issues and likes to bite people and make them bleed. He is tiny but his beak is razor sharp, imagine what a big bird could do! Still, if you would find that comforting in a pet, more power to you! Birds need more mascochistic people willing to deal with their whims! 😛

  16. I am also dealing with anxiety and one of the things that helps me cope with it is having a pet. I have a small dog right now and I’ve had less anxiety attack ever since I had him. Whenever I feel anxious he always climbs up to me and suddenly forget all my fears and worries, being with him makes me feel like I am not alone and sometimes when I’m really sad I feel like he empathizes and understands me. I’m doing a lot better now managing my anxiety and I know that a big factor of that is my lovely dog.

    • Abby

  17. I must’ve lived with Athene Numphe (above) during some forgotten housemate phase because she just described my African Gray. The smoke detector is so awesome…perfectly timed to the moment when my husband has finally completely relaxed. The bird never made obnoxious asshole noises until I got a boyfriend. They can be super jealous. I think Mr. Screamy sounds kind of amazing. My favorite part of owning a bird –> a pet that actually says “I love you”.

  18. Noise like that? Is why I don’t have kids. I know me well enough to know I couldn’t put up with that long enough to even make it through that 1:27 video. LOL

  19. Haha, that bird is awesome. My dog knows how to snort while breathing in, when she wants a cookie she will breath in a looooong snort then howl/sing on the out breath, she is the weirdest dog I’ve ever had and I love her even more for it!

  20. Pingback: Reggie

  21. My parrot did this exact same thing. We think he was parroting the screeching noise the computer made when it connected to the internet. Now I’m dating myself and my parrot. We’re old as dial up.

    He still does it sometimes in the middle of the night. It’s terrifying.

  22. Holy…that bird sounds like he’s about to go Alfred Hitchcock on someone!

  23. This looks to me like a Little Corella. Australian. They usually live in big flocks. They like to chew things up. Anything. I’m not sure, but I think that one is still a youngster. I think it is asking for its mother to regurgitate food for it. It probably does not appreciate having to pick up its own food. Especially when it appears to be dog biscuits, and they usually eat seeds – grass seed, sunflower seed, etc. So maybe it is actually screaming “You haven’t fed me for weeks!” I don’t know how long corellas live, but sulphur-crested cockatoos, which are also white but larger and with big yellow crests, can live to 120 years old.

  24. Yeah. Cap’s comment above is spot on. “Attention seeking”, says the clerk! That’s quite the euphemism…

    I must say I think ‘Mr. Screamy’ should be rescued asap, and perhaps the pet store reported for crimes against animal welfare.

  26. My cat was trying to get to the computer while this played then it gave up and ran away…so cats won’t even try to eat screaming parrots…awesome defense

  28. I’m going to start calling my husband Mr Screamy.

    He’s really not screamy so it will be funny. To me.

  29. While I was watching the video my cockatoo started screaming, he’s older, louder and a complete asshole when he wants something. Don’t buy that bird, your head will explode.

  32. I have cockatoos and they are wonderful but they are also the ultimate drama queens. One of mine screams like that because she wants me to hand-feed her even though there’s food right next to her. “NO, HUMAN. PUT IT IN MY MOUTH.”

    My vet said she was either weaned too early or she’s just an asshole. I need a parrot whisperer.

  35. in terms of pet therapy Mr. Screamy may actually work because the screaming might drown out the sound of anything else in the entire world but that would be about it…….but then again I did read about some crazy like animal therapy using killer alligators or something so who knows.

  37. That’s why we got a fish. We can’t fill the tank all the way because it might jump out, but the filter pouring cleaned water in is quite soothing. Plus, even when the fish is swimming around at the front of the tank demanding food, it’s not loud. We put a lego basketball in there for him to play with.

  38. I just read some choose your own erotica while waiting for a table at Bob Evans. I don’t know if that should be considered the high or low point of my day.

  39. Get the damn bird, Jenny. BTW my sister is not allowed to go to shelters anymore. She tried being a volunteer there because she’s totally obsessed with animals and has a heart of gold, but she keeps bringing home unwanted dogs. She’s one dog away from being featured on Hoarders.

  40. I’ve had parrots before. Mr. Screamy is actually quite quiet compared to some. FYI random screaming noises can totally be trained out…mostly.

    The best thing about a parrot as a pet though is that they can totally learn emotional manipulation. What other pet can do that? My parrot learned to say “I love you” but only said it when she knew I was angry at her. I’d leave the room and she’d call my name, then say “I love you”.

    And sure that may not sound like a good thing, but imagine the benefits if you can get her on-side to emotionally manipulate other people in your life?

    While you’re telling your teen to have fun with her friends…
    Mr. Screamy: “Don’t get knocked up.”

    While you’re picking up dirty socks from the side of the bed…
    Mr. Screamy: “The hamper’s right there, bitch!”

    While you’re explaining why you can’t make it back for Thanksgiving dinner…
    Mr. Screamy: “Cat in the cradle. Awk. Silver spoon.”

    Worst pet ever. Best pet ever.

  41. I had a screaming parrot once. I ate him for the Assumption feast…. some sort of Catholic thing, as I understand it.
    I’m kidding.
    I ate him on Easter.
    .. I volunteer at our local shelter; a parrot at the shelter is there for a reason. Avoid Mr. Screamy, get a goat, or a llama instead. If you get the bird you’ll find yourself turning into Mrs. Screamy.

  47. I’m pretty sure you found the source for the original Godzilla noise.

  50. I would get out of your way if you had a screaming parrot on your shoulder. Then I would put in earplugs and follow you around because anyone who travels with a screaming parrot is going to do some interesting shit.

  53. You’re not responsible enough for a pet, but you’re in charge of child? How does that work? I think seeing as you’re managing to raise another person, you can probably cope with an animal. Just not that animal. I’m fairly sure the screaming would go from ‘This is strangely soothing’ to ‘AAAAHHHHHH!’ (i.e. screaming along with the bird) pretty quickly.

    Also, fur is better than feathers. (Scales are not an option).

    (Ha! I’m responsible enough to realize that 3 cats and one child is all that I can handle. ~ Jenny)

  55. I could see how a screaming parrot could represent me but. …….. I would kill him and I am an animal lover and would feel guilt for eternity.

  56. He wants to be fed;this is begging for food.Go FEED him,lol!!!

  57. “That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Rugen slaughtered my father. The parrot makes it now.”

  60. I’m fairly certain Mr. Screamy is your spirit animal and you need to honor that and bring him home. Although, it might make your cats more neurotic… which might be counterproductive.

    I’ve wanted a hedgehog for quite a while… and found out that hedgehogs can be certified as therapy animals.

    Also, the mental image of you doing a book tour with Mr. Screamy on your shoulder seems pretty awesome.

  61. Are there therapy pets for pets? Because clearly this poor bird needs one!

  62. I have severe anxiety. I also have 10 parrots.

    I can tell you that Mr. Screamy is not screaming to be an asshole. He is a baby, and that is the sound baby parrots make when they want to be fed. He is just wanting to be fed.

    Parrots are great for anxiety! I have one that tells me he loves me every single night when the lights go off. They are also super empathetic, and they know when I am having a bad day… and want to cuddle.

    They aren’t a perfect “pet” for everyone. But they are great companions for many.

    You NEED Mr. Screamy. He will totally love you forever.

  64. I’m actually a board certified vet tech. I’ve worked with parrots and exotics for the 10 years I’ve been practicing and have 9 birds of my own. What you see is a Goffins Cockatoo baby who is crying for food. He’s hungry. He isn’t weaned yet. He’s most likely only a few months old. When he’s older and actually screaming you’ll know it. Trust me. Parrots are a lot of work and mess. This little guy will be as smart as a 3-5 year old child. He’ll live anywhere from 30-50 years. He’ll need a large cage, lots of toys to destroy, a good quality diet of parrot pellets, vegetables and grains, and vet care yearly. Birds are tons of work. Worth it in my opinion, but do your tresearch before getting a bird. Cockatoos can be super tough to own.

  65. HAHA — comment above “death metal parrot.”
    It’s a young galah cockatoo who wants food and hugs. Unfortunately when they grow up they get even louder.

  66. I already have a daughter that follows me around and does this. I call her THE KRAKEN but maybe I should call her KRAKEN McSCREAMY. Thanks.

  67. As several savvy posters observed, this pitiful little Cockatoo is likely a ‘baby’ that was never weaned properly. It is likely crying out for a feeding of soft formula. Not the hard dry kibble full of dyes and chemicals in the bowl next to it. Probably doesn’t recognize it as food (nor should it).

    Perhaps someone could visit that shop and determine if it is indeed desperately hungry? If a feeding of warmed formula settles it- well there’s your answer. We don’t force wean human children, why do that to innocent animals?

    This Blog article didn’t amuse me in the slightest. Lack of sensitivity and concern for living creatures makes me very sad. And sick to my stomach.

  68. My husband walked in whilst I was watching this and said: “turn that noise off. Turn That Noise Off. TURN THAT NOISE OFF!”

    I don’t think we’ll be getting a pet soon..

  69. And he is so offended! He’s like wtf i saw you at the shelter and you just stared at me like I was crazy thank god she came along cuz now you can see I’m not. I’m just trying to help. Thank mr. screamy for helping, god you’re a life saver or a scream saver, maybe he could be on monsters inc.?????

  70. Thank you Jenny, this parrot represents exactly how I feel today. I needed that.

  73. Everyone saying that this parrot is being for food is right. Please contact One of the many parrot rescues in Texas and ask if they will follow up with the aspca and the pet store.

    If this is not a young bird begging for food than this is a terrified adult bird. Either way this is a h highly intelligent animal having a miserable existence.

    This bird needs your help Jenny. A parrot rescue should know the right way to address it.

  77. Why does Victor always get to decide? You and Mr. Screamy were meant to be!

  78. My grandma had a bird that talked, and it would call the dog into the kitchen, “Snoopy,” and the dog would go in the kitchen, nothing. Dog would leave kitchen, and the bird taunted him again, “Snoopy. Come here. Snoopy. Snoopy.” The dog re-entered the kitchen, still nothing. After doing this for hours, the bird would finally tell the dog to eat shit. We used to give the bird wine.

  80. That scream is amazing! It’s like a mix of a modem dial-up and a velociraptor on the attack!

  82. A dear friend’s mom left me her bare-eyed cockatoo when she died. I’d gotten on well with him in the past, so it seemed like it would be okay. Fast forward 6 months, my whole family is terrorized by him, he beeps like a smoke alarm and can be heard way down the street, and he h a t e s us. I found a rescue that could take him. When the woman came to pick him up he ran to her saying “Hi sweetheart, hi sweetheart” I felt the same way.
    On the other hand, you could start a Hatebeak cover band if you got him. (google them)

  83. I feel like that video is a test and only the really disturbed people will watch it to the end because a minute and a half of screaming parrot.

  84. Good grief. That’s one minute and 27 seconds of my life that I will never get back. I guess I was thinking he’d stop screaming or do something. Nope.

  85. Yes Mr Screamy; that bird looks like it’s a Corella, and they’re fairly common in the wild where I live. the screaming is normal for them, because they are a flocking bird, it’s actually looking for attention from the rest of the flock when they scream, or wanting their parents to feed them; if you had a couple or more of them they’d be a lot quieter.

    Meanwhile we have to put up with that noise frequently from the wild birds in the neighborhood, and a neighbour who has one as a pet. Why you would want a pet animal that already lives in the wild in your neighborhood just defies belief.

    I totally get what you mean about screaming and showing it’s distress in symbiotic empathy with you, I feel the same; like inside I’m always screaming “leave me alone” or “please be quiet”, or “make it stop”, or simply “please just go away (or fuck off depending on my mood)”.
    You are not alone, and you don’t have such a unique perspective, but you do have a unique talent for expressing yourself, which is why we all love you Jenny.

    Regards,

    Ben.

  87. This parrot has its own radio talk show, right? I know I have heard it before. Just can’t recall if it’s from the Lunatic Left of the Insane Right.

  89. Poor baby bird. Please call the ASPCA on them ASAP. Anyone who says what they did, doesn’t need to be handling a baby parrot.

  90. I’m pretty sure you need this parrot. Think of the book you could write based on screaming parrot posts, let alone Mr Screamy’s whacky shenanigans at funerals and various other places you have no business taking him to. And we would get to read it! Gasp! Victor, how can you deny the world this kind of joy? We already lost Mother Theresa dammit!

  91. I would really love to know where this precious baby is. I am involved with many people who rescue parrots. He is still a baby and does not appear to be weaned. We would love to try to save him if at all possible. Would you disclose where he was located please?

    (I actually sent the video to a vet and to the local ASPCA just to see if they thought this was something that parrots do or if it was something that needed to be looked into. The vet said the bird looked healthy and that this behavior is often seen in this type of bird and could be from anything from wanting attention to stress to being weaned too early. I sent the same to the ASPCA asking them to to let me know if I should give them info to check the bird out and they didn’t respond, so I assume it’s not that unusual. If you have someone though in San Antonio that you think might be able to drop in and see if Mr. Screamy looks okay I’m cool with sharing the address behind the scenes. If you have someone or know of a San Antonio based rescue that wants to look into it just email me. I’m at jenny @ thebloggess.com. The animals there always seem lovely and the staff are wonderful but it doesn’t hurt to check. UPDATED: I also sent info to a Texas-based bird rescue place to look into it. Between them and the local ASPCA they should be able to investigate and right any issue. Thanks! ~ Jenny)

  92. At least Mr. Screamy will always be there for you, so you have plenty of time to change Victor’s mind with money. Or food.

  95. No wonder he’s screaming. It looks like they filled his cage with Easter grass. I’d scream too, if that’s all I had to walk on and absorb my excrement.

    He kind of sounds like an old dial-up modem. A very slow one.

  96. God love that illogical genius of a bird, but unless they find a hella deaf ornithologist I don’t see that poor guy flying away to a forever home anytime soon

  97. Maybe you should wait until you develop severe hearing loss in at least one ear before you get the parrot. Or at least invest in earplugs.

  98. That is NOT bad behavior. That is an animal in distress. Parrots should not be forced to live on the ground like that, it makes them feel vulnerable to predators. Then you have people looking down on him all day long, and he must feel like his life is in danger 24/7. So he screams to make himself look scary since its his only means of defense.

    If you have a local bird rescue (like Gabriel Foundation), please call them right away. That bird needs help and fast!

  99. I Couldn’t stop listening. He’d probably calm down once he got some steady attention. Probably.

  100. At first, I thought I was looking at some sort of feathered alien. Seriously, that bird could replace the siren on an ambulance. Then I read this line: And it probably was because a few minutes later another couple was like “What the…? This bird is losing. his. shit. Someone call security. I think there’s been a murder.” and nearly choked I was laughing so hard.

  101. http://bird-haven.org/about-us/

    Here is a rescue local to Texas. I’m begging you to contact them, they should at least be able to point you somewhere closer that can help. That bird is not ok and needs to be cared for by people who understand the special needs large parrots have.

  102. I totally want to hug poor Mr. Screamy. I’m with the peeps who think he should be with a rescue organization. 🙁 That must be an exhausting way to live.

  103. Mr. Screamy : crowd-seeking parrot :: Tilikum : ravenous orca

    I feel like I need Mr. Screamy in my life. I’m not even kidding.

  105. That parrot is pretty awesome. Plus, imagine the fun the parrot would have with your cats!

    I love going to pet adoption places to snuggle animals. Except I usually end up texting my husband photos with captions like “This one?” or “OMG this one is SO cute” until he finally responds with “NO! Get out of there, we’re not adopting a dog right now.” I can’t wait to surprise him some time.

  106. Smart bird.

    Sometimes I wish it was socially acceptable for me to scream for attention like that. Like in the middle of the supermarket when I have to go down the diaper aisle for something.** I wish I could scream without getting weird looks and/or the cops called.

    **Anything baby-related is a trigger for me right now. My daughter was stillborn 5 weeks ago. My other daughter loves raisins, which for some reason the people at the supermarket think belong with the diapers. I feel you Mr. Screamy, I feel you. Sometimes life sucks and you just have to scream.

    (Sending you such love. ~ Jenny)

  107. He’s screaming because he is losing his mind in captivity at a pet store. I feel awful for that bird.

  108. As my husband always says, “you can’t save the world and you’re no good to anybody if you can’t save yourself”. Life is hard but it’s worth the price of admission. Carry on, Mr. Screamy, you are still in the amusement park and this, too, shall pass. Fasten your seat belt! It gets better!

  109. Ha. Animals are so weird. And awesome. That bird would make a great guard dog, er, guard bird. Definitely.

  111. Jenny, that video is terribly heartbreaking, that is a baby cockatoo and that is not normal behavior-/- I beg you to get people with a rescue for parrots involved to get this poor bird out of that store environment, what it is going through is clearly abnormal behavior and should not be happening. The bird is in mental agony. It is not funny. If you will let me know where the bird is, I will try to get someone in the veterinary field down there to go and get it even if I have to buy it to do so. I have two African Grays, and I know obnoxious sounds and shrieking but what this bird is doing is not for attention or for fun. It is going to die if it is not brought out of that pet store environment and put into either a rescue or s foster home with someone who knows how to nurture parrots. I am glad you posted the video, but I am heartbroken that this poor young and possibly even still-needs-to-be-tube-fed-by-hand baby is in so much distress. I beg you to contact Texas Parrot Rescue and keep on this until that bird is removed from the store. Please, please tell me where the bird is. I am going to buy it, if nothing else can be done, because it is going to die in that environment, and this is serious. Thank you for letting me know what you can do to help change these circumstances, and please let me know the bird’s location, so that I can start trying, too. I am a veterinarian, I cannot stand to think of that poor bird baby suffering any longer. I stand ready to drive to San Antonio to get him out of there, if it comes to that. I can be reached by phone at 580-399-2337 (in Ada, Oklahoma) or please e-mail me at maryjanesepmeier@yahoo.com. Thank you so much for taking the time to take that video, and for putting it on your blog (which I read, daily, and have learned so much from!)
    Sincerely, and this IS AN EMERGENCY, Mary Jane Sepmeier,D.V.M.

  112. I think you and Screamy will both need eyepatches…peg legs would be overkill!

  117. THAT BIRD IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL. Seriously, Bird, that is exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. Because I think my throat would hurt after all that screaming, I’d like to put this bird video on my phone, and anytime anyone tries to speak to me, I will answer with the video. All of it. And just stare sullenly at them while the bird screams. If they try to interrupt my interpretive bird scream response, I will start it over. You have no idea how you have just simplified my life.

  118. FYI – did you see Cakewrecks today (www.cakewrecks.com)? You got a shout out – some enterprising soul appears to have put taxidermied squirrels on their wedding cake, which is also decorated with Bud Light cans. It’s truly impressive.

  120. At first it’s a WTF moment. Then slightly awkward. I caught myself grinning just before the hilarious laughing emerged.
    It relaxed me completely after laughing until I nearly peed on myself.
    You need this bird.

  121. Oh my goodness, the poor cockatoo is HUNGRY. Where is his Mom?!? I’m from Texas, so tell me what pet shop this is at, so I can go rescue the poor thing! 🙁

  122. Hello from Germany! WOW! You are funny as hell. I just discovered you today. And I still have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

  123. This sounds like a good idea until you realize that birds throw up on you when they’re really happy. I got a nice treat of broccoli and string cheese yesterday in my hoodie thanks to my sister’s cockatoo. Thanks Sheila. And she screeches when it gets close to dark to call her family back to the nest…even though she lives inside and her family consists of people, dogs, and cats. I vote with Victor on this one. No birds.

  124. I lost my shit (in a good way) when I read this: “It’s a weird definition of success, but so is measuring the amount of “likes” you got on Facebook, so more power to you, Mr. Screamy.” Truer words were never spoken. And I feel for Mr. Screamy even more now.

  125. omg. That bird is amazing! He just kept on screaming! I feel bad for him…he obviously was not getting the appropriate amount of attention with his former owners, but man, he is persistent!

  127. My wife’s parents used to have 2 cockatoos*. One would begin screeching and the other would join in. They would each try to top the other. My wife’s parents would answer the phone “Hello, Jurrasic Park” due to the loud shrieking in the background. These birds really did sound like little dinosaurs (which birds evolved from). Come to think of it, there’s another bonus to buying Mr. Screechy. When people ask you what your pet is, you answer “Dinosaur!” What’s cooler than having a dinosaur for a pet? Nothing!

    • They still have one cockatoo. Unfortunately, the other one, officially “my wife’s” as it was going to go to us eventually, died when my oldest was still a baby. We wound up cancelling a long trip because of this. The very next day (when we would have been on the road), our baby had a febrile seizure and stopped breathing for a bit. Had we been on the road, who knows what would have happened, but we certainly wouldn’t have gotten medical attention as quickly. We’re convinced that my wife’s cockatoo died protecting our child.

  128. Gravityslave @ #57 “That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Rugen slaughtered my father. The parrot makes it now.”

    Awesome Princess Bride reference. FTW!

  129. @Laura Morrigan,

    My in-laws’ cockatoo has an extremely sharp beak too. She can break open walnuts no problem. Actually a better example would be the times she used to crack open the chain/lock securing her cage door so she could escape. With her beak strength, a human finger would be no problem. She likes acting all sweet so my wife will put her finger in the bird’s cage to pet her and then she (the bird) snaps at my wife. She used to do that to me too, but hasn’t snapped at me in years. (Probably lulling me into a false sense of security.)

    My wife was on the jury in a trial where a woman was raped and, as the police were on their way, she took her cockatoo out. The defense tried to make this seem like she consented – otherwise why take the bird out. (In the defense attorney’s defense, he didn’t have much to work with and had to grasp at straws.) The prosecution pointed out how defensive this bird was. If the rapist decided to come back, imagine what an angry cockatoo could bite off of him.

    Come to think of it, Jenny, there’s another bonus to Mr. Screamy. If a burglar breaks in just set this bird at him. Guard dog has nothing on screaming bird that can bite your fingers off!

  130. I had a Moluccan Cockatoo that was so loud when he screamed, he could be heard two miles down the road. One day, we had workers repaving our road and I had him outside in his flight cage just hanging out on a beautiful sunny day so I could have a bit of peace and quiet. I had completely tuned him out, as I had learned to do. Well, apparently he’d been screaming up a storm and the road workers had heard him. Suddenly they were on my front porch pounding on my door. I answered and they asked if I was okay and if anyone was in distress. Huh?!? What?!? It took a moment to realize they were talking about BammerJammers! I sheepishly explained that my psycho bird was the culprit and cause of all the noise they had been hearing. However, they did not believe me. They were convinced someone was being beaten to death or near-murdered or something. Because of that, they were reluctant to leave. Shoving my feet into my shoes, I had to escort these would-be-heroes around to my back yard to show them my happily sunning himself Cockatoo in his massive flight cage. It was only then that they would leave!

    That big ole bird was awesome. He’d also waddle through the house and sneak up on our sleeping cats, fluff up ALL of his feathers so he was twice as big as the cats and start barking loudly like a dog, which would freak the feck out of the cats, sending them scattering to the four corners of hell. It never ever got old.

  131. I know you said it could breath, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to pass out after 30 minutes of that.

  133. Oh my goodness. That’s enough to make you go insane, although, the pet-loving side of me thinks it’s sad that he may be crying for hand-feeding and/or weaned too early.

    This kind of behavior is why I will never (ever) own a bird. It sounds like one of those battery-operated toys with a broken voicebox and a dying battery. The kind you smash with a hammer in the garage.

    …Not that I’ve ever done that.

  134. That sounds like the noise my old dial-up internet made, just with no bings at end to signal that it connected.

  137. Jenny, you have just made my day. My brother and his partner have an African Grey parrot and every time I go over I try to teach it something new to say… And it ALWAYS works. I usually receive an angry phone call a few days later. Apparently once the bird learns something, it never forgets it. (I guess they shouldn’t have told me that when they got it). {Insert evil laugh here}

  139. I am glad that Mr. Screamy has come to the attention of people who seem to know why he is so upset and are going the extra mile to help out. YAY! The Bloggess saves the day and Mr. Screamy who must has thought he was trapped in an old Star Trek episode. Seriously? Blue shavings, plexiglass jail and huge aliens? How scifi can you get? All he needed was a wee little red shirt. Please keep us updated!!! 🙂

  140. I agree that “Mr. Screamy” is the best name…I bet you could teach him to scream songs….and words…..Take him to a restaurant and BE SERVED FIRST!

  141. Birds are jerks. There is a magpie at my local zoo that had a LOOONG conversation with me once when I was there late. Admittedly, the conversation was “How are you?” and “fine” and “hi” over and over and over. But he started it and kept going for a long time. I felt badly that no one visited him; he is across from a herd of elephants. No one is going to notice a small blue, white, and black bird when they can visit elephants, even a smart one who has picked up tourists’ conversations. Soo….I’ve been back several times trying to engage him and while he comes over to visit, he basically says “Aik!” over and over and over when I try to get him to talk. Tourists come running over and try to talk, too, and then look at me as though I ruined their day before they slink off to the side. Blaming me, I’m sure, that they don’t spend enough time with the elephants. Jerk bird.

  142. I’m pretty sure I should find this bird and adopt it, because I could honestly watch that video over. and over. and over. and I would still find it hilarious.

  143. I feel bad for that poor little bird. 🙁 I always love your humor, but this one made me sad. I can’t help thing his bird vocal chords are so raw and inflamed.

  145. If the wild corellas around here are any indication, you’d probably end up naming him, Mr. Bitey

    Corellas are assholes. And here they’re -wild- assholes so you see great giant flocks of them. They eat all of the fruit off of my fruit trees and scream at me while they’re doing it. Big clouds of screaming, fruit-thieving assholes.

  146. I will totally concur with the couple of other people who say that the bird is probably hungry. Right around hatchling time in Australia this is a sound you hear constantly. The sound of baby parrots screaming, “FUCKING FEED MY BELLY.”

  149. One of my co-workers used to have African Greys, back in the days when it was legal to capture them in the wild. They’re excellent mimics…and there are jaguars in the jungles where his bird came from. The first night it came home, he went into its room, and it screamed like a jaguar. “Realistically I knew there was no predator in the room with me, but something inside refused to believe it.”
    He also says you need very good ventilation where you keep birds — not just for the birds, but for the people, because the feathers shed microscopic particles that aren’t healthy for lungs.

  152. If Mr. Screamy was in my home behaving like that, I’d introduce him to Mr. Frozen Turkey for a wee attitude adjustment.

  153. After running to find a park keeper & frantically explaining that there was a BuDGie hanging upside-down with it’s leg caught in the aviary fence, we couldn’t understand why he was so casually strolling over to help…. As soon as he unlocked the door the little bugger flew away. I’m sure we could hear quiet bird laughing… twee twee twee…..

  154. I laughed for the entire duration of the video. That bird has a real talent. There are singers who would kill to have that kind of breath control.

  155. Does no one else see that the bird is probably demon possessed? It was so obvious to me. I’m a little scared now.

  156. I have a male cockatiel called Smokey and a tiny yellow budgie called Chirpy. Chirpy was rescued from outside a place I used to work. I found him there obviously escaped from his home and he was very, very young. Both are now hand tame (Although Chirpy is a bit nervous still). Smokey has really bonded with me and lately has become very vocal as I teach him how to whistle and talk. He’ll shout for attention sometimes and prefers to be hand fed. He also likes to eat the gunk out of under my finger and toe nails. If he’s on the floor across the room from me and I tap the carpet and say C’mon Smokey, he runs across the floor to me like a puppy. The two of them also insist on being put to bed at night (They are allowed out of the cage all day). Chirpy first gets carried to his cage on my finger and then Smokey can’t get onto my hand fast enough to be put to bed. If he’s already in his cage he actually comes out so he can jump on my hand and get put back in.

    Parrots can make wonderful pets but need a lot of attention and paitence. If you plan on getting one and just keeping it in the cage don’t bother.

  157. “He’s like bagpipes, if bagpipes were a parrot.”
    Nowhere else can I depend on lines like this being uttered. Thank you for that.

  162. “he’s really talented because he’s screaming even when he’s breathing in” <– does this make anyone else think of Tenacious D's "Inward Singing" bit?

  164. Poor baby. I have a flock of cockatoos that come into our front paddock daily and none of them ever sound like that. I’m with the others – he sounds traumatized.

  165. So, I thought it was just me that goes to the shelter to pet & hug the animals!!!! Lol
    I can’t take anymore in, but my goal after my parents that I am full time care-taking make their transition (I hope a long long time from now), my goal is to have a huge no kill shelter! I would like mine to be as good as The Cathouse On The Kings & that it becomes the largest no kill shelter
    On the east coast. And all for one reason only: so I never ever have to say “no” to taking care of any animal I see that needs it. That is my total inspiration all summed up in one sentence. Plus, since I am not married, no kids & have a lot of other friends my age (51) who are in the same boat….no kids, no partner, not enough money really in savings to live really well, I want for all of those who want to, to join me, we can pool our social security checks & maybe have the shelter & the commune I always wanted to have!!! Not the religious type, I
    Have always wanted all my friends to live together. Even when I was married, I suggested we all move into the same subdivision in our own houses. One of my friends wanted babies, but preferred to still have her career & wasn’t crazy about doing the majority of raising them. I would have loved to stay
    Home with everyone’s kids during the day that preferred to keep working for a while so I thought we could all help each other& balance each other out as friends, couples & neighbors. Now I want to do it with my retiring or laid off friends or whomever. Am I just totally naive??!!

  167. I can’t explain it, but one second, I was laughing really hard at Jenny’s commentary, and then all of a sudden, I was sobbing. I don’t know if it’s for the bird or what, but I don’t really want to think about it anymore.

  168. Thanks, Jenny! I watched the entire length of this video and also found it rather soothing. This is, in fact, the noise my brain is making most of the time.

    Bonus! I got to yell the following at my husband “I look at all the weird random shit you find on Reddit and you won’t even listen to a screaming parrot for me!” So, thanks for that. 🙂

  169. Jenny, please please PLEASE adopt Mr. Screamy. I’m a therapist, and animals aren’t all that different from people. He’s screaming that he needs to be taken home and loved on. He is clearly the perfect pet for you– please convince Victor you need to go back and get him. Please.

  171. Reblogged this on Champions of the Human Race and commented:
    Cletus feels like Mr.McScreamy today… and most days when she’s at work. Actually, I want to buy Mr.McScreamy so he can drown out their loud, obnoxious talking about inappropriate things.

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