I am surrounded by assholes and apparently it’s all my fault.

in Random Crap, weekly reruns

Remember last week when I wrote about how Facebook was being insulting and creepy by suggesting that I needed this dead squirrel’s ass:

In case you've forgotten.
In case you’ve forgotten.    It’s as if Facebook said, “Hey, we saw this asshole and thought of you.”

I got this ad all week and waited impatiently for the auction to end so the ad would go away and it finally did.   Today I opened up Facebook to find that the ad was gone.

It was replaced by this one:

butt

::sigh::

PS. Victor heard me yelling, “Really, Facebook?” so he looked at my monitor and was like, “What is wrong with you?  Is this some weird fetish?” and I explained that I’d accidentally looked at a taxidermied ass ONE TIME (and then again to write the post and then once more to see what the tiny hiney sold for) and that I was clearly being pigeon-holed, and he thought that was a poor choice of words considering the situation.  Also, I pointed out that the old squirrel ass ad is now popping up again too and it’s not even on sale anymore and then I clicked over to prove it and Victor was like “What are you doing?  IF YOU CLICK ON ANIMAL ASS ADS YOU’LL JUST GET MORE ANIMAL ASS ADS” and I thought “I should put that on a shirt” and Victor yelled, “YOU’RE BRINGING THIS ON YOURSELF.”   And he has a point, but I’m not sure how to stop this, because how can you not click on a taxidermied animal butt that’s tagged “brand-new, never opened”?

Stop blaming the victim, Victor.

****************

And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up: sid What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by my friend Virginia who writes Outrunning The Cloud, a fabulous blog about kicking breast cancer’s ass.  Today begins their second annual online fundraiser for The Weekend to End Women’s Cancers, which directly benefits the hospital where both Virginia and her mom (who died of breast cancer) were treated.  You can donate directly on her blog or you can bid in the online auction right here.  Lots of items being added but this one is a personal favorite.  Go check it out now.

112 thoughts on “I am surrounded by assholes and apparently it’s all my fault.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. I’d have to write “not so” with a carrot just before “secretly” because unless I’m accidently dropping my daughters plastic goldfish bowl (and scooping it up on the first bounce and using the water that spilled on her desk with a calm sweeping motion of my arm), it’s usually not a secret. Facebook is filled with vicious circles of repeat advertisements. I’m thinking that all the laughing I do while I read your posts are going to count as ab workouts. I should probably stop drinking coffeefor the day too.

  4. I’m sure the squirrels ass was opened at one point. They do eat a lot of fiber.

  5. It’s just a vicious, asshole cycle you’ve found yourself in. Good luck getting out.

  8. I know the feeling. Amazon.com seems to think I’m in the market for used kitty litter (seriously — I have a screen shot of it).

  13. You know what’s really sad? My husband has gotten used to hearing me yell and curse at my computer. If it’s about something he can fix because it’s doing something stupid (usually because I told it to do something stupid) then he fixes it for me. Mostly he rolls his eyes and ignores me when I’m yelling at emails and the like when they’re doing ridiculous things that make me yell. 🙂

  15. Oh, whew, it’s animal behinds you might want to hang on your wall. Thought that…well, never mind. Victor doesn’t realize how much worse it could have been.

  17. How do you sterilize a squirrel before adding it to a cake? Could you catch the squirrellies from an improperly cleaned prepared squirrel, like catching the cooties?

  18. Didn’t you know animal ass ads are a gateway click to nefarious Facebook ads?
    I’m sure Nancy Reagan would’ve included those in her war…if interwebz had existed then. Just say no, Jenny. Just say no!

  19. I get ads for workout clothing. Like I’m going to ever let anyone see me workout!!

  20. As Jess said above – you’ve been sucked into the black hole of squirrels, time dilates and you spend the rest of your years trying to get out – never to be seen again.

  21. and they sell the other squirrel halves….to mount on the outside of the house? i accidentally clicked on something i didnt know what it was once and i ended up getting suggestions for gross mens thong-type items and those awkward c-strings for like a month. ugh!

  22. Maybe it’s time to delete your cookies. Then again, they lead to funny posts.

  23. Well, you could install FB Purity and AdBlock Plus to avoid these ads but your life would be a smaller, sadder thing without those excellent recommendations!

  24. I wish I got assholes. All I get is David’s Bridal and Wedding.com, et cetera. Never get engaged and show it on Facebook because ALL of your targeted ads become wedding stuff. ALL YOU’RE DOING IS STRESSING ME OUT, FACEBOOK. STOP IT.

  25. I guess you can click through a few other ads that you don’t mind popping up on your Facebook screen. That way, at least, you can control what ads you see. I recommend clicking on Disney ads 😀 They’re always fun!

  28. Seriously, though, those are words to live by. I’d get that shirt, too.

    IF YOU CLICK ON ANIMAL ASS ADS YOU’LL JUST GET MORE ANIMAL ASS ADS

    Thank you, Victor.

  29. I don’t know if your aware but you can turn your text to white in gmail that you send to, let’s say, your husband. Then you can hide secret words at the bottom of each email like, let’s say, “taxidermied assholes”. And if you do it a few times, this hypothetical husband will start receiving targeted ads for whatever you may or may not have secretly hidden in all his emails. Just sayin’.

  30. Just out of interest, how much does a tiney hiney like that go for? Not that I’m in the market for one.. or even have one to sell. Just asking.

  31. Oh my goodness, stupid autocorrect phone. You’re! YOU’RE!!!!!

  32. Are you using Internet Explorer? For God’s sake woman!!! Firefox. No ads. Half the time that weird scrolling timeline nonsense isn’t even there.

    Are you the one clicking ads on the internet? Stop it! You are ruining the whole internet for all the rest of us. [all eyes turn to Jenny]

    Scorn Jenny. That is what will be heaped upon you. And squirrel butts.

  34. While I wouldn’t want to deprive anyone of the hysterical fun that pops on your FB, you can make all the ads stop by using adblock. It’s free and I don’t get any ads anymore.

  35. I laughed so hard I think I need to go take a nap now. Plus, Willow is brilliant. I need to start sending magical secret white text emails to people.

  36. I should never read your stuff when I’m on the phone. It makes for a very awkward explanation about why I’m laughing hysterically at someone’s breakup.

  37. I’m still trying to figure out why I get ads for “Seniors Dating” and “AARP”. I’m about 20 years too young for that. I also wonder (being female) why I get emails from discount viagra purveyors and folks who think that my “manhood” could use some sort of enhancement.

    I think it might be nice to see an animal fanny ad for a change. Every time we watch something on Hulu, my housemate clicks EVERY preview as “not relevant to my interests”. I’m pretty sure there’s an statistician somewhere trying to figure out what my housemate is actually interested in and why he’s watching content he’s uninterested in. I think that may be why we end up getting previews for things like “Extreme Ninja Sumo Motocross”.

  38. I just want to know how your belly button is doing….

    (Still achey and who-ey, but good. Surgery in the next few weeks. ~Jenny)

  40. Jenny Lawson!

    You’ve done linked to my blog a second time now, and I am so delighted. Thank you, good one! Tourism is up over there, the sun’s out, the local economy is bustling*. You for President!

    *I don’t know what that means

    You are great. The animal asses find you because they know a good thing when they see one.

    Love,
    Tina

  42. While it may rob you of blog-fodder, you can always download Adblock+ and never be bothered by ads again…

  45. For me, it’s the clothes I decided NOT to buy my daughter. Dear Facebook and eBay, the fact that I didn’t bid should be enough.

  46. Oversized, Extra-Large, Big Clothes for Women. YES, there should be an option for EVERYBODY, but could they update that I LOST 35 pounds. and people wonder why I still have a bad body image. this is not helping.

  47. The Bloggess + Cake Wrecks = confection perfection.
    Willow, that’s quite the evil genius suggestion, using the white type to add hidden messages to emails. A little subliminal pranking could be just the thing…..

  48. Either the whole world has gone crazy at last, Jenny or we’re just taking notice of it.
    Either way, we’re screwed.

  50. You can get rid of the ads you don’t want to see eventually, but the sneaky bastards don’t make it obvious. Hover your mouse to the right of the ad title close to the margin for the text. An X will appear click it and you’ll be taken through a list of options, none of which will get rid of the damn things completely, but eventually get rid of the ones you hate the most.

  52. The squirrely ass might go away if you start checking out other items online — like tractor mowers, aquariums or tackle boxes. Oh wait, never mind, you’d probably start seeing worms and frog bait on Facebook after that.

  55. I came over because of Cake Wrecks, but stayed because of Juanita.

  60. …you can’t find good “corn problems on your feet” ads anywhere. Why can you find taxi’d squirrel butt ads? Wait, this was on Ebay. Can you buy corns from people’s feet on ebay? Probably. Don’t look that one up either. This worlds done gone crazy…. 🙂

  61. If you hover your mouse over the ad, a little x should pop up in the top-right corner. You can click it and tell Facebook “I don’t want to see this” and filter that type of ad.

  62. Being The Urban Chicken Keeper you do NOT want to know what the internet throws my way in terms of direct marketing ads…it’s not pretty! But I’ve never had a squirrel’s ass marketed to me. Never. Fake chicken beaks; chicken diapers; fake goat eyes; electric fences – sure, all day long,…but never a squirrel’s ass. And Jenny, that Cake Wreck…I almost PEED my pants! And the fact that they called YOU out!!! BWWWAAAAAHHHHH!!!! PRICELESSS!!! Fucking priceless!!!

    I hope your Whoville belly button is feeling better for the moment!

  64. I find I am constantly reminded of what I casually looked at a week ago with the same kind of ads. Then I remembered to delete my cookies on my computer and they go away for a while until I look at something else strange…I am constantly torturing myself with my inquiring mind…

  66. “I knew it! I’m surrounded by Assholes! Keep firing Assholes!” -Spaceballs

  67. The emergency compliments site might be the best thing I’ve ever seen. OR..this tequila is working really good. Could go either way.

  68. You know… for somebody so indignant about FB’s suggestions about dead squirrel asses, to be fair, your so-called next anniversary cake is two taxidermied squirrels! Just saying’.

  69. I get Honey Boo-Boos crazy ass mother for similar reasons. At this point I’ll trade ya for the weird squirrel derrière.

  70. “because how can you not click on a taxidermied animal butt that’s tagged ‘brand-new, never opened’?”

    You win the Internet today, Jenny…between that and that godawful cake (crimony, was that supposed to be camo print on the sides of it?!?), you definitely win the Net…and, now that you’ve got it, perhaps you can tell it to quit sending you squirrel ass? (“Squirrel ass”…Christ, that sounds like the next step after having swamp ass or something, when you’ve gone from being soggy, sweaty and gross to just wanting to crawl out of your damn ass and leave it stuck on somebody’s friggin’ wall…hmm, maybe that’s it? Naaaaah…)

    Oh, and good luck with the forthcoming surgery that’ll prevent you from having an episode kinda like John Hurt having that alien bursting out of his chest in the movie, only it would be a Whovian out of your navel, which might be friendlier and less bloody…oh, screw it, you know what I mean, right? 🙂

  75. You know, It’s very strange. I have been in the taxidermied squirrel-ass business so long, now that it’s over, I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life.

  77. Seriously your writting makes me laugh out loud (literally) EVERY TIME. Awesome, awesome, awesome.

  78. Are the front halves of the squirrels available online, too, mounted on little trophy boards, so small-game hunters can hang them over their fireplace mantles?

  79. For the longest time, I got ads for Spanx simply because I Googled it once to get the right spelling. I was writing about the time that my wife’s spanx got flagged as an “anomalous object” and got her a TSA patdown and neened to check the spelling of spanx. In exchange for that one Googling, I was given ads with photos of women in spanx for months afterwards. Defintely, not what I was interested in. Especially when I was in the office. (Sure, I’ll Google that for you boss? Oh, those women in those ads? Um… I have NO CLUE why they’re there!)

  80. A friend once posted on his wall a link to an online store that specializes in various tech stuff. For some reason, the said online store was suddenly selling dildos and other sex paraphernalia. So we clicked on it to confirm if it’s not a gag link, and you know, for shits and giggles. But the joke was on us, since we now get dildo advertisements from that online store in our suggested ads. >_<

  81. I just use Adblock on Chrome. I feel guilty about doing it, because when I read blogs, I don’t always remember to add their ads. But I don’t feel guilty about it because ads make me want to frisbee my laptop across the room, and if my dog won’t catch a normal frisbee, she’s definitely not catching the laptop. And I kind of like having a laptop.

  83. I don’t think it is anything to do with what you click on. I believe Facebook can read your mind. Like yesterday, I was thinking about ladies with nose hair (as you do) whilst innocently looking through my page & then an ad for nasal hair clippers appeared in the side bar. I shit you not! So now while I am scrolling through my news feed I try to think only of handsome & toned men. I’ll let you know how that one turns out. 🙂

  86. FB ads make me stabby (and that autocorrected to “stubby” which also make me stubby. GAH! Stabby!). Food, banking and cleaning supplies. Really FB!?

    Anyhoo, I’m glad you don’t have a tiny hiney fetish.

    Emergency Compliment is one of my favourite things. “People are terrified of you at Trivia Night.” is usually my “Thanks! I feel better.” Though I recently enjoyed “You pick the best radio stations when you’re riding shotgun.”

  87. Why did you not tell us how much it sold for? I now have a gnawing need to know. HOW MUCH???

    (I don’t want to go back and look again because then it’s just going to make things worse, but I think it went for over $60. ~ Jenny)

  88. Lately the Facebook ads I get have been spot on. Now sure if I should be flattered or creeped out.
    The emergency compliments page is awesome. Thanks for posting it.

  90. I am so glad that you share your life with us! Honestly….what more can I say, we are laughing our animal asses off here!

  91. Also, even though I’ve read the book a couple of times now, I came across the audio version at the library and couldn’t resist listening. 1.) The chapter about your sprained finger where there are car horn sound effects scared the shit out of me as I was driving late at night, probably with the volume too loud, and suddenly there was horn chaos!!!! No one died. 2.) The last 12 minutes of you rambling from a sound booth that smelled like cat piss and yelling “vagina” was a tiny gift. 🙂 Thanks.

  92. My husband just pointed out that it’s possible that you could find your soulmate in the person who is receiving the ad for the front half. Sorry, Victor….

  93. Is it not intensely creepy that the places you go online haunt you? Facebook, my comcast email account, even the Washington Post keeps reminding me that I have a minor cheese straw addiction. Leave me alone cheese straws!

  94. Look at eBay’s tagline: “When it’s on your mind, it’s on eBay.” Which is just creepy. Personally, I’d be afraid to look on eBay, based on that tagline.

  97. I really, really hate it when husbands are right. You should probably put this incidence on the calendar and throw him a party next year. I can’t wait to see THAT blog. And yeah, put it on a tee shirt. ” IF YOU CLICK ON ANIMAL ASS ADS YOU’LL JUST GET MORE ANIMAL ASS ADS ” –pasted so we remember why we’re celebrating next year.

  100. The mousepad is cool, but it’s also obviously for right handers only. THANKS ASSHOLE, and by “ASSHOLE,” I of course mean Zazzle, because Jenny wouldn’t be that oppressive.

  103. I just found an autographed, “tiniest bookmark ever” bookmark in my copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened…

    Thank you!!!!!

  107. You just made me laugh out loud and that’s an accomplishment because my tooth broke yesterday – Memorial Day, nice – and it hurts to do anything but bitch and moan. No, even bitching hurts. My son is very happy about the no-bitching, by the way. But you broke through the haze of zingy tooth moaning and made me laugh out loud with your idea of a T-shirt about clicking on animal ass ads.

    Write on, Babe!

    By the way, I’m bringing your book with me on the plane when I go to Zurich next week. Eleven heavenly hours on a plane by myself. I only have one child. I really do, but he’s a good one. So, you can consider yourself the winner of the ‘What physical book am I going to bring on the eleven-hour plane ride in case my Nook goes belly-up in the middle and the only thing I have left to read is one of those perfumed catalogs with frou frou junk I’ll never need in them.’ Hey, maybe they should put some animal ass ads in those airplane catalogs.

    So, thank you. Thank you very much.

  108. One of my aunts actually bought me a squirrel ass (we call them “naggies”- short for “nalgas”). She lives in Spokane, I live in Chicago. She shipped it to my work and scared the shit out of me when I opened the box and saw the tail sticking out. It took me a second to realize what I was looking at. Then I just burst out laughing. She sent him a tiny pair of squirrel sized whitey-tighties (we call them chonies) and so both Reginald Von NutterButter and his infamous chonies are hanging on a plaque with his name that my hubby had made for me for Valentine’s day. Reggie was my first taxidermy piece- my gateway drug. I got him almost a year before I found your blog. I knew I had found my tribe when I started seeing your taxidermy posts too.

  110. I laugh so hard every time I read this.

    Also, try as I might, I cannot find any squirrel asses on eBay… maybe there’s no market for them in the UK? Or maybe you’re just special 😉

  111. Dear Bloggess- since you are the only person I “know” who has weird shit happen to them all the time, I am hoping you can help me figure out what to do with a 12 foot long balance beam, which Amazon delivered to me in error (in addition to a toilet, which we did order). They have told me I can keep it… Follow the link for the whole story. And on top of all that, now, all the ads I get are for toilets…

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