I don’t know how other States do fireworks but in Texas it’s all-or-nothing. Literally. Either it’s illegal to shoot off fireworks because of drought, or it’s allowed and everyone goes insane and shoots off shitloads of pyrotechnics while young children run through the yard stomping out small fires. It usually involves booze, neighborhood idiots firing guns into the air, and the police. Most of us leave the actual firework-handling to that weird uncle who once blew off a finger because we suspect he has a greater appreciation for the danger and also because he has less fingers to lose now.
This morning we went to our neighborhood fireworks warehouse to stock up. This is the conversation we had with one of the firework clerks while Hailey was off choosing sparklers…
me: These are the most insane firework names ever. I like that they called this one “Scarface”. Truth in advertising, you know?
Victor: Do you have any Tinnitus M-80’s?
Clerk: I’ve never heard of that.
Victor: Do you have one called “The Burn Victim“?
Clerk: I don’t think so.
Victor: How about “Child Maimer“?
Clerk: I’d have to check in the back. I’m not really familiar with any of those.
me: Do you have any “Golden Showers” available?
Clerk: We did have those! But they aren’t making them this year.
me: Wow. Who would have thought Golden Showers would ever go out of style? How about…um…”Hair-Fire Inferno“?
Clerk: You mean the Flash-Fire Hair Braid? For kids?
me: Sure. (cough) For kids.
Clerk: They sell those next to the cashier.
Victor: And it looks like you’re all out of “Plumber’s Crackle”?
Clerk: Yeah. I don’t know why it’s so popular. It’s not really that exciting.
me: You said it, brother. But you have a lot of “Juicy” fireworks left. I don’t think I want my fireworks to be “juicy”.
Clerk: It’s a weird name but a pretty good display. We recommend pairing it with another firework in front.
me: Ah. Like a Juicy Plumber’s Crackle? That makes sense.
Victor: And your “Happiness Explosion”… Does that come with a “full-release”?
Clerk: Well, if any of your fireworks don’t fully go off you can bring them back for an exchange. If you want something awesome I recommend “The Saturday Night Special”.
me: And according to the box I assume it’s a bunch of loaded guns you heat up until they explode. WHAT COULD BE SAFER? Add it to the pile. And this “Ministry of Magic” set…does one of the fireworks turn into a skull and then all the Death Eaters show up at your barbecue?
Clerk: No, but that would be cool. I’d recommend some “Tomahawks” but I think we’re out.
me: “Tomahawks.” Seems a bit racially insensitive, doesn’t it?
Victor: Look underneath.
me: Well, at least they’re keeping it fair.
PS. As we were checking out we found what we assume was the “flash-fire hair braid…for kids”. We were a little disappointed. And relieved.
Happy 4th of July, y’all. Please keep your guns in your safes, your drunk drivers off the road, and your blown-off fingers on ice.
UPDATED: A small gif of the fireworks we set off tonight. No one lost any fingers but there were the usual amount of minor burns and I think we managed to blow up half of the moon.