International Incidents

My first book just got released in Polish, and I haven’t seen it in real life but the cover looks sort of baffling and also adorable.

Polish let's pretend this never happened

I don’t speak Polish so I did a quick auto-translation to see what they’re actually saying about the book:

LET US MAKE BELIEVE THAT THIS IS NOT usually TRUE
AUTOBIOGRAPHY
Jenny Lawson,  PRIME MINISTER 27 AUGUST 2014

Hot Barbara and Wanda Gadomskie:
Jenny Lawson comes from killed desk holes in Texas. She grew up amidst a house of sensational eccentrics, insulated by asbestos. Her father – Feelin’ hairy giant  who looks like a dangerous version of ZACHA Galifianakisa – loved animals, but outside the right across … hunts and he taxidermies them. Mama was in turn a hot advocate of literate interpretation of the maxim: “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”, which could not remain without influence on psychology of the heroine and her emotional life, especially as a child that already suffers from anxiety and depression. Jenny decided to tell their story and not wrapped in cotton. Through her sense of humor, millions of people doubted their own common sense, breaking my head, for example, on the author’s mad theory that Jesus really was a zombie.

I just read this to Victor and he was like, “That sounds like a better book than the one you wrote” and I’ll admit, it sounds intriguing.  The most fascinating part is that according to the title I think I’m going to be crowned the new Polish Prime Minister on August 27th.  I’m not sure it lasts longer than that one day so if you want any Polish laws, commandments or wishes passed then please leave them in the comments and I’ll approve all of them by waving the scepter I got when I became a Czar.  I assume it works internationally.  Also, I think this makes me a foreign diplomat and unarrestable on that day so I’m saving up all of my arson for then.  Don’t piss me off on August the 26th or you’ll be fucked.

PS. I just got a few copies of the Turkish version of my book in the mail and I’m giving a signed copy away if you want it.  Just leave me a comment and I’ll pick one.  Or if you prefer I’ll give you an English version.  Or I’ll pass a Polish proclamation that Saturday will henceforth be known as “YOUR-NAME-HEREday” and free cheeses will be available to all.  Up to you, really.

That's supposed to be me on the cover.  It's not really the most flattering position.

That’s supposed to be me on the cover. It’s not really the most flattering position.

358 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I love cheeses, especially those that are free!

    Your book is still on my nightstand. And I’m still laughing out loud at the MOTHerfucker picture you posted last week (?)… which I, yes, open when I need a giggle. May just go do that now…back to you in a minute :)

    Ann St. Vincent recently posted I can’t make this shit up (I was hit on by a 20 year-old).

  2. I just snorted hot chocolate when I started laughing while trying to take a sip. I kind of wish that there was an Audible version of Google Translate reading each of your book translations. <3

  3. What’s the bear about? With a bandanna no less.

    Cassandra recently posted Is The Panic Attack Going To Be On The Exam?.

  4. I would LOVE the Turkish version of your book! I would have no idea what they are saying but your life translates to any language.

  5. That polish version sounds badass! Also I’m sure your English one is as well.

  6. Everything not wrapped in cotton is clearly a winner and a best seller! Congratulations on your coronation, Czarina! Sceptres ahoy!

  7. Your dad is “Feelin’ hairy giant”? We might be related! Except my dad’s not so hairy…

  8. I like that your publishing company uses bablefish to save you translation money. Very fiscally responsible.

    veronica recently posted ORPHANS (yes this again).

  9. Owning a Turkish copy of your book would make my life. Seriously.

    NancyTex recently posted wordless wednesday.

  10. When you’re PM of Poland, can you make a law that every month I need an order of pierogies sent to me by a babcia? Thanks! (Also autocorrect keeps trying to make pierogies into pirogue – damn Cajun iPhone.)

  11. Can I hold the scepter, please?

  12. talk about “lost in translation” i like the visual polish translation of a mouse dressed as Hamlet (it is Hamlet right?) translates into a full grown bear dressed to catch a fresbee.

  13. I especially love that you wrap your story in cotton. Way to go Prime Minister. I’m hoping the Vatican will decide to publish your book next and make you Pope for the Day. I have some major indulgences I’d like to ask you for when that happens. Congrats!

    marydpierce recently posted Tap shoes, dreams, and dust.

  14. Oops. My previous comment should have said didn’t wrap in cotton.

  15. KillDeskHoles, Texas is on my bucket list, along with Mt. Rushmore and the giant frying pan.

  16. I can’t wait till you go on your Polish and Turkish book tours and report back via your blog!

    Kathleen recently posted Return of the Polar Vortex.

  17. This is awesome! I love it! Zombie Jesus never gets old.

    Michelle recently posted Emergency Bags and Leaky Data.

  18. I was doubting my own common sense long before you came along, but I loved your book anyway.

    All hail Czar Jenny, Breaker of Heads.

    Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted Eeny meeny miney…d’oh!.

  19. So excited! Representing ALL Poles everywhere, I can attest that they will love the beautiful ridiculousness that is you. Go Golabki!

  20. I’m trying to think of what I’d do if I owned a Turkish copy of your book.

    I believe I’ve narrowed it down to two options:

    1) Give it to my sister in law as a present.
    2) Leave it on my desk at work to confuse my cow orkers. (At least, the ones who aren’t already confused by my “Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure”.)

    stainles recently posted Random gun crankery..

  21. Jimmy James: Macho Business Donkey Wrestler

  22. Sensational eccentrics. I love that. And thank you for not wrapping your story in cotton.

  23. 24
    ocularnervosa

    As Prime Minister of Poland, and the world, can you get them to stop running all those “male enhancement pills” commercials. How am I suppose to enjoy crappy reruns of shows that were cancelled years ago with them popping up every five minutes. Thank you.

  24. I’m laughing so hard right now that I think I might die.

    Steph recently posted So, I Peed On Myself Yesterday..

  25. haha the polish cover rocks! I would love to have a turkish copy of your book! And maybe I’ll give it my mother to read so she can understand me a little bit better.

  26. I’ve shared your book with a few people. Only one of them didn’t get it.

  27. I laughed all through your book in English. Now I’m laughing at the description in Polish! You rock in any language!

  28. Poland has really big taxidermied mice.

  29. August 27 is my birthday – so if you could manage a national holiday in my honor it would be the most awesome birthday ever. If you have to settle for arson, I would happily provide a list of potentials. And finally – any and all cheese would be happily accepted. Congratulations on your Prime Ministerism (if that’s a word, and if it’s not it should be.)

  30. A hot advocate of literate interpretation. Seems legit.

  31. I am a huge fan of cheese and books written in English. But mostly cheese.

  32. Ben İngilizce olarak kitabın bir kopyasını isterdim! Yaşam için Bedava peynir benim hayalim. (Written with Google translate, of course)

  33. That’s awesome! Dated a Polish guy once – he drank a lot, taught me a few key phrases in Polish (which I later used to fool him over the phone! My sexy voice was unrecognizable in his language, apparently) and showed me how to dispatch cars LIKE A PRO.

  34. Please, I would love a copy of your book, in any language. But I do speak English mostly.

  35. I texted the MOTHerfucker picture to my son, since Hunter S. Thomcat looks a lot like our beloved and recently deceased cat, Milo. My son made MOTHerfucker my profile picture so now when I call him, that photo pops on his phone!

  36. I would LOVE to be known as a sensational eccentric!

    Jess recently posted BSC #53: Kristy for President.

  37. I would love the turkish version

  38. Your book is awesome in English. It would be great to see it in Turkish too! ;)

  39. A photo of you with the scepter, please. Looking forward to August!

  40. Seriously, YES. I could use some hilarity in my life about now!

  41. 42
    Fiery Pink Girl

    I, too, hail from (and currently maintain) a “house of sensational eccentrics” … wonder if we’re related? Any way … I think I’d like to see a Polish Weasel Stomping Day, which should not be confused with Polecat Stomping Day. That would obviously require a different outfit.

  42. I loaned your book to a friend as she was unaware of your genius. She claims she lost it. Liar!!! but i still need a new book (and while I’d love to translate, I truly only speak English). Pick me! pick me!!

  43. I bought your e-book when it came out and have been meaning to pick up a hard copy, that way when I have company they can pull it off the shelf and be instantly confused and worried.

    Love the description translation! Just asked my Romanian colleague if she reads Turkish, and she said she didn’t. oh well.

  44. What? Your story is NOT wrapped in cotton? Damn. Was definitely expecting cotton.
    Is it some sort of poly-cotton blend? Please elaborate.

  45. I’m really just in this for the free cheeses.

  46. LOVE IT. And Cheese. I love cheese.

  47. Anything you were to do on that day, even arson, with my name attached would be fabulous. Especially wrapped in cotton. That’s Kristen with a K and an E!!

  48. 49
    Melissa Bardwell

    Oh Jenny Lawson… I NEED that polish version of your book. That English version was clearly just CRAP :) haha. PS- Please pick me :) Your a future BFF, Melissa

  49. Yes, I do need a signed copy. In the midst of moving, I had to stop and start reading this book while I was supposed to be packing, as the movers were waiting on me. My husband was, as usual, disappointed in me.

  50. I curtsey to you, your highishness! I’m all in cheese, polish, turkish and probably easiest english seeing as I don’t speak polish or turkish…. I do speak italian though.

  51. Oh, I would love to have a copy of either the Polish or Turkish versions to go alongside my signed English version! That translation is GREAT! And, yes, FREE CHEESES!

  52. I am in a killed desk hole daily. Really. This made me snort a little. Wonder who has been offended by that translation.

  53. Free cheese for all!!! Seriously though, I would listen to the google translate version, especially if it was someone with a Polish accent trying to speak with a Texas accent! Comedy gold right there.

  54. I would take a signed copy in any translation, although I do like how the Turkish one makes it appear you’re trying to either kiss your own ass or you just pulled your head out of it. OR my own day and free cheeses. I like those too.

  55. I like that you come from ‘Killed desk holes in Texas’ It explains a lot.

  56. So, let’s say you HAD wrapped your story in cotton… would I then no longer doubt my own common sense?

  57. I would like another English version, because while I already have one, I could give my next one to a friend.

  58. For some reason I keep reading Polish as polish. It could be a brain aneurysm. More likely a brain fart. I am sometimes prone to flatulent gray matter.

  59. 60
    BuckeyePatty

    It only makes sense that your house was insulated with asbestos, due to your mom being a hot advocate of literary interpretations. But really, what is that bear doing with his left hand? At the dinner table no less!

  60. I have had a premonition that my crappy neighbors were talkin crap about you and your family on August 26th, so maybe you’d better put a trip to Oregon on your schedule, cuz their house ain’t gonna burn itself down :) Congrats on the adorable Polish cover and hopefully a story that translated just as funny as the English version!

  61. Put me down for the Turkish version! My boyfriend is Turkish and we have been dating for 10 months. This last weekend he asked why I hadn’t learned Turkish yet, and I told him I needed something to motivate me. I feel like a Turkish version of your book could possibly be the answer,because ten months with a guy I love certainly isn’t motivating me!

  62. Can’t read any of your posts without attracting attention at the office. You slay me.

  63. Ah, now we have a diagnosis to go with all the tomfoolery, Asbestos poisoning!…. Free cheese to all.. yummy can’t wait!! English would be wonderful!

  64. You know you’ve come into your own when folks can read you in Turkish. Congrats!

    Manicmom recently posted Camping by the Numbers.

  65. You have broken his head! Well done, call it a day.

  66. I’m learning Turkish and Polish as we speak.

    First Night Design recently posted There Are No Small Parts.

  67. Apparently, as long as the animal is clothed it can be put on the cover of a book…

    Mom in Two Cultures recently posted The Things I Learned and Re-learned While Traveling Internatinoally with Three Small Children.

  68. Could you please use your newly bestowed governing powers to outlaw that picked herring in sour cream thing the Poles make? I’ve never had it but it sounds gross, and I don’t feel entirely comfortable living in a world where it exists. Also, if I get a copy of your book in Turkish will that require me to start liking Turkish Delight? Because I have had that, and it is really gross.

  69. So I bought an electronic copy of your book when it came out because it’s awesome! (Duh!) But I must tell you that until Monday I was missing out on something big – that I don’t feel you or your agent did a good enough job promoting. (insert raised eyebrow, side eye) Your audio book is amazeballs!!! I am listening to it in my car and I am pretty sure that the people around me think I am insane!! Where has this been and I dont think it has been promoted enough!! Your book was hysterical but it’s 10x’s funnier to listen to you read it!!!!!

    LOVE IT!!! The polish are missing out on the audio version and so is everyone who doesn’t speak english. Unless there is something else that you are not telling us!

  70. I would love a copy of the book, but if not, I can always Kindle it. Would you recommend I take it with me for my ovary removal surgery next week? I’m debating, if they have to do the BIG cut, I may not want something around that makes me laugh until I pee, because there’s a whole pain thing going on down there and I don’t respond well to morphine. On the other hand, you always makes me feel less craptastic when I read your blogs so you see my dilemma. BTW, I am Polish (okay AMERican Polish) and would love to be dubbed the Chamberlain of Having Organs Removed” for the day on August 26th. And if you do decide to torch my house, let me know ahead of time as it does take a while to get the cats in their carriers.

    (Read it before the surgery. Unless you hate it and it makes you sleep. Then use it medicinally. ~ Jenny)

  71. Since I loaned my copy out and have yet to get it back I would love to get another. :) I love the translation of just that blip makes me wonder how your book translates! I’d love to hear from someone who speaks the language and reads your book.

  72. Tell your father, Feelin’ hairy giant, that we send our love. And that review just broke my head.

  73. Hey free cheese, count me in!

  74. Love this. I would use this entry on your blog as an example of your writing……..who am I kidding, I just want a free book (or cheese). I’ve given ever copy of your book I’ve bought to friends and don’t have one of my own at the moment.

  75. 76
    Ethel Mertz

    Your stuff has totally broken my head on a number of occasions. In a good way, I mean.

  76. My friend Elizabeth and I are obsessed with your blog. It’s one of our regular text message conversations. We’ve never met in person, we were coworkers located in different cities. We’d really need two copies. I’m sure we’d even take the Turkish version…

  77. I, for one, am very glad that you didn’t tell your story wrapped in cotton (I’m picturing swaddling, here). I need the copy of the Turkish book, and I have an important reason. My husband speaks Turkish (along with a variety of other languages, that generally sound like swearing to me), and he doesn’t understand why I find you so very, very entertaining. Perhaps he will, in translation.

  78. I’m curious. Will they be translating your book into ebonics any time soon? I have some people I know that would probably love that. Or maybe Txt Spk? Would probably make the book slimmer and lighter, thus cut down on the shipping cost?

    PS. Cheese rawks!!

  79. Did you have any idea how weird you were in other languages?
    I wonder how Poland is going to feel about you being the Polish Prime Minister. Do they assume you will come with a bear? You know, like dolls in packages come with certain accoutrements. My Monster High doll came with a bat. Polish Minister Jenny Lawson will arrive with a bear.
    Poland is lucky.

  80. I think in any language you are hilarious and awesome!

  81. Well, I bought the hardback and paperback for the bonus features. I have recommended it to so many people and quoted your blog so many times my husband just sighs (he is very victorish). Cheers on breaking new ground around the world!

  82. 83
    abbywankenobi

    I have a friend who just moved his family to The South from Turkey. This would make the best gift ever- The Bloggess in their native tongue. Definitely beats my second choice “Coming to America” with Eddie Murphy.

  83. My foster dog ate the English version of your book, thought it could use some gravy. Everyone knows Turkish food is an acquired taste and the book will be safe.

  84. Free cheeses, please!

    Creative Naomi recently posted Day 21 – Nothing to Report.

  85. I’d like to be a hot advocate of literate anything. I’d put that on a business card…as should your mom.

    M.I.L.K. recently posted The Door..

  86. ‘Wrapping in cotton’ is Polish for ‘beating around the bush’.
    I marked the date to visit the nearest bookstores and rate them based on your book availability. :)

    (If they carry it will you email me a picture? ~ Jenny)

  87. Your updates never fail to entertain! Much appreciated as I’m currently homesick in another country (coincidentally close to Poland).
    While you haven’t made me doubt my common sense, your humor has “broken my head” in the best of ways as I nearly die laughing.

  88. I would be honoured to read a copy of your book….though I would prefer one in English as having to translate each page would probably take me until next year to read it!

  89. The plan for my first book:
    1. Write it
    2. Have it translated into another language.
    3. Have that translated version translated back into English.
    4. Publish it in its new form

    Jeff recently posted PIGS.

  90. I think, if you should pick me, that I would like a day for Ermintrudes. My name isn’t Ermintrude, but hey, if it were, I’d be pretty bummed by the lack of celebratory days for Ermintrudes.
    And I like cheese. So I think you should pick me, and name a day for all Ermintrudes everywhere to get free cheese on their day.

  91. I’d love a Turkish copy, but I’ll buy the English version for my Kindle.

  92. I would love, love a signed English version!

    I have you to blame, the day after your blog post about going to Mysteria in Atlanta, I went. I almost came home with some critters.

  93. your book is actually my monthly book club selection for August (its our club 10th anniversary and we are reading the “best of’ from the last 10 years so cheers to you for making our reading list not once but TWICE). our meeting is tomorrow. if I win can you come to Pennsylvania for our meeting for a chat? we always have lots of wine….

  94. My work productivity goes down each day while check your blog for recent updates. I would love to have any version of your book! I do own a kindle version of your book but that is difficult for me to display and thus make my friends and relatives jealous.

  95. I read that translation with a Polish accent – totally makes sense! I love cheese, love your book!

  96. Free Cheese Please with a side of your book would add awesome sauce to my day, week, month.

  97. I still need a copy! I have already taken it out at the library 3 times!

  98. I need a Turkish version! I lived in Turkey for 7 years and had to forgo bacon and driving because they only have standard transmission cars and I don’t drive a standard and the traffic laws/suggestions were way more than I could handle! I also took Turkish lessons the entire time I was there and so I will actually be able to read parts of your book. It might sound like the translation you did from Polish to English, but I enjoy a bit of crazy talk every now and then!

    midlifenatalie recently posted Sexy mama!.

  99. I’d love a signed English version. Except that I already have a copy (read twice) that my wife gave me as a present (which I read twice). Would it be wrong to give that copy away to someone else if I win the signed copy?

    TechyDad (@TechyDad) recently posted My Open Letter To The FCC Concerning Network Neutrality.

  100. Someday I’m going to remember that reading your blog at work is a bad idea (I’m not allowed to use my phone in the classroom when if the kids are sleeping) so instead of really laughing at that translation I had a silent gigle fit which actually hurt because I lost my mind for a few minutes and couldn’t stop or breathe without waking up all the toddlers and alerting my boss that im breaking the rules.

  101. Hilarious and badass!
    I need to replace my English copy as it was never returned after loaning it out!

  102. Turkish you say? Yeah sure, I mean, since you have an extra copy I would most definitely be willing to take it off your hands. And then maybe I’ll go illegally download Rosetta Stone so I can read it. I like this idea.

  103. I would love a signed copy in any language. I reread your book when I am feeling down, which happens a lot. Also, now every time I see an odd taxidermied animal I think of you.

  104. Czar and Polish Prime Minister? What’s next Jenny? You should just take the USA. Just go move into the white house. Announce you are President and wave your scepter around. I would happily refer to you as Madam President.

  105. Bwahaha this is way too awesome. Now that I’ve heard your English version on audio, I’d like to read THAT book too! Sooo the bear cover is cute, but it makes me wonder if the Polish publishers are anti-mouse.

  106. I would love to give a signed copy of your Turkish book to my friend; she is studying Turkish, and is going through a really crappy time right now. Maybe it will help her smile through the gauntlet of life.

    jtuttle recently posted 41 First Dates.

  107. Thank you for making shit days at work bareable!

  108. i totes wanna read this – your comedy value is becoming a real blog highlight for me!

  109. I have been dying to read your book so I’d love one in English. Otherwise I will hustle on learning my Turkish.

  110. You make me laugh. That is why I love you. But not in a creepy way. Honest!

  111. OMG I have been to Istanbul and I miss it and the lovely people there and the incredible food and I would trade you my firstborn only child for a signed Turkish copy of your book because that would be amazing and cool! (OK, I lied, you cannot have my child, mostly because my dad would never, ever forgive me for trading his granddaughter for a book in which I couldn’t read all the words.)

  112. I want a law passed that allows people to curse (just for one day) around anyone, I’m talking kids, grandmas, priests whoever, with NO repercussions. I feel like this could be very therapeutic for our nation. Also, I just accidentally said “fuck” around a complete stranger and got a dirty look. I need to be absolved from this.

    Donna recently posted Give Credit Where Credit is Due.

  113. I would love an English version!! Mostly because I can’t read Turkish.

  114. 116
    Janet Powell

    I need the Turkish version so I can have my mom translate it for me! Or the Polish, my dad’s side can translate it. We can all laugh while eating cheese on the deck!

  115. Although a Polish translation would likely be hilarious, a Irish translation would be great as well. Because they have delicious cheese and drinking in Ireland too! and Kilarney sounds sort of like Killed Desk Hole.

    Ligimis orainn seo a tharla riamh (cuimhní cinn fíor den chuid is mó) – doesn’t that sound lovely? is the title translated FROM English to Gaelic

  116. Why is there a bear with a bandana? or is that a napkin? It looks like Yogi Bear is about to have a pic-a-nic.

    Psychobabble recently posted Hey, pregnant girl….

  117. Your book in Turkish sounds delightful, and not just because I’m sitting in a pitch black room, waiting for someone to cry. It’s nap time at work. No, not for the adults, but if an adult sized cot was available I would be napping too.

    What was I saying?

    Your book in English was hysterical and I wouldn’t mind a signed copy.

  118. I would like a turkish copy and for National Cheese Weasel day to become international! (Today is also national Octo-Pasta day. Please schedule your dinner accordingly.)

  119. 121
    grantaviuskennarius

    I know no Turkic language, nor do I know Polish, but I can recognise their alphabets.

  120. Gotta love a hot advocated of what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Sounds like my mama!

  121. please to breaking mine head now. cheese I love. english book equals good.

  122. 124
    cherrow414

    Oh, I want this for my sister! Her birthday is August 26, so it would be great if your last day of civilianism (or is it “civility?” that seems wrong, yet perfectly appropriate.) was her Name Day. She would just like you to rename that one day (annually, of course) in honor of her cat, “Meatloaf.”

  123. 125
    lkish77123

    You translate so well. I was in need of a good morning laugh and you always come through for me.

  124. Awesome

  125. 127
    Nancy Spitler

    Just posted a picture in Facebook of a large chicken I bought recently who now resides in my garden. My boss immediately sent me a link to your blog, which has inspired great speculation of what we should name said chicken (well, actually rooster). It also inspired great laughter, and my coworkers questioning looks as I snorted at my desk. Would love the book in Turkish. Or Polish. Or English, for that matter!

  126. 128
    Amanda Belmares

    I promised my friend Jen I’d send her an Autographed copy of your book for her birthday (that was in April). I never promised her she would be able to read it. We’ve both already read it so that’s totally ok. I like the bear cover. It’s non threatening. Poor Polish suckers

  127. I need something. Autographed book in any language, proclamation of free cheeses, or wrap me in cotton. I don’t care. Hell, I’ll take a feelin’ hairy giant. That might not be so bad.

  128. Love exact translations. Hahahahaha.

    Ps. Every time you post, I get a message to my phone and when I’m at work I take a secret bathroom break so I can read it IMMEDIATELY.

  129. Yesssss, please, thank you. I don’t even need you to pass any laws, on account of there are way too many laws. Unless you could pass a law for no more laws, in which case, hells yeah.

  130. I have the Polish poster version of “The King and I” – I think…I can’t honestly remember now – and a Polish copy of your book would go perfectly with it. That being said, I would really prefer an English version so I can re-read it. My Polish is rusty which is to say non existent but really…how much rustier can you get than that?

    Angela recently posted How Serious Is It, Doctor?.

  131. 133
    lalibrarylady86

    Would you please make it a law that allergies will no longer exist so that cats can be part of my life again. I believe in your power as Prime Minister, Czarina, Pope, or Lord of the Rings to make this happen.

  132. Congrats! I would love a free book in a different language. I think that would be so cool. :) Maybe people would think I was bi-lingual and therefore smart? Probably not but worth a try. And I can’t wait for your 2nd book.

  133. I have read many, many bedtime stories from your book and blog to my girls (censored of course). We adore the you we have glimpsed over the years, and thank you for sharing yourself.

  134. Jesus is a zombie? That’s not mad, that’s GENIUS. A signed copy would be nice. I’m lactose intolerant, so the “free cheeses” thing would just be cruel. Maybe free pickles…. -The Tattooed Librarian.

  135. I wish I spoke Turkish! Or polish. Those are both really cool! However I’d still love a copy of your English book seeing as it’s been on my amazon wish list forever :)

  136. I would like the book in Polish – I speak it! ;) where to buy???

  137. I wish your comment section had like buttons. You have many funny fans.

  138. I want a Turkish copy, even though it would irritate my Armenian in-laws; actually that might be a bonus.

  139. I would LOVE a Turkish copy, and that’s a truth not wrapped in cotton.

  140. I’m marking 08/26 as Don’t-Piss-Off-Jenny-Day. I would love a Turkish copy of your book! :)

  141. so Turkish and polish copies of your first book are GREAT! but when is your second book coming out in the US of A. I’m impatiently waiting :(

  142. Pick me! Pick me! I loved your book and love readng your blog during the week. You make me feel normal. Thank you! :)

  143. 145
    Pellington

    I was hoping for a gravy boat tote, but I’d settled for a copy of your book or my own name day and some cheese. Sharp cheddar. Unless there is a nice Turkish or Polish cheese I’m missing out on.

  144. I just love your book so much, I would love it in Turkish or English!! It makes me laugh so hard my husband had to sleep on the couch when I read it in bed.

  145. “Her father – Feelin’ hairy giant…” Is that true, Jenny? Is your father a hairy giant who has all the feels?

    janice recently posted Green Tea Cookies.

  146. I am spreading your popularity far and wide! My coworkers have now all been exposed to Beyoncé and been encouraged to read your book! We have been rolling at our training conference!

  147. As if Jenny would ever tell a story wrapped in cotton! Bite your tongues, Hot Barbara and Wanda Gadomskie!

    jaclynschoknecht recently posted Planes, Ferries and Taxis.

  148. 150
    Samitizer

    Shame they didn’t use any of your fantastical photos from that big photo shoot-like you in a birdcage!
    I would LOVE a free book in ENGLISH by the way!
    I need something new to read while I wait hours and hours at the hospital again for my Mom’s 3rd procedure coming up. She and I think you are great! I hope I can get her next surgery rescheduled for Aug 26th so we can LAY WASTE to those rude fucks in the waiting room. You know the ones that talk loudly on cell phones, crack gum etc and then try to complain when I finally fall asleep and snore loudly! Grrr, Fuckers! Yes please rule our hospital waiting rooms Czar Jenny!!!

  149. I’ll trade you one Book of Krishna (given to my husband at the dedication of a Hari Krishna temple that he apparently did some really fabulous work on, because they told him that “Krishna was pleased” and proceeded to give him their holy book for FREE) for one of your books – in any language. I’ll also throw in – because I like you (or I like the you that writes your blog) – an additional book, “#13 – Lucky or Unlucky?” that was given to me by my reconstruction surgeon on the occasion of my thirteenth breast cancer reconstructive surgery in fifteen month’s time. Its a first run copy of the book, and, in fact, was written by his uncle.
    Plus, my family firmly believes that there’s no such thing as too much cheese. So there’s that.

  150. 152
    Barbara in Colorado

    I love being wrapped in cotton. And bubble wrap. And anything else that can keep me from injuring myself on a daily basis. I’m graceful like that. Anyhoo, I’m a vegetarian so a turkey book probably wouldn’t suit me, but I’d love either a signed copy of your book to treasure for an eternity, or a law that declares that all cheese to be an essential food group all on its own, and not lumped in with milk and eggs which are pretty pedestrian, although I’ve never seen one cross the street even though there are signs everywhere specifically for that purpose.

  151. 153
    @shthisisme

    This is all just too awesome. I think your being PM warrants a secret service detail for the day. Give notice to.the Feds so that they can make the appropriate arrangements. You can have a classified itinerary and go everywhere in a black limosine surrounded by a motorcade of black SUV’s .
    Hey, that’s my request for that day: use of a stretch black limosine and snappily dressed chauffeur for the day, with a five gallon Coleman cooler filled with sangria, and a cheese tray and pierogi for dinner.

  152. Haha, actually that translation is not that bad apart from the times it becomes a victim of idioms XD
    BTW “wrapping up in cotton” means “beating around the bush” and my mind somehow combined that into “beating around the wrapped cotton bush” and I just kept wondering which kind of bush would be… if it’s a bush wrapped in cotton than it would mean.. but that would be painful, I think…

    Also I’ll be glad to welcome you as our Prime Minister! Don’t worry, whatever you do you can’t mess up more than our politicians :D

    (Damn, I’m getting my parents this book as end-of-summer present!)

  153. Dear Prime Minister-designate, thank you for the options of book, cheese, or name day. I would prefer name day and ask that you use Acinom instead of Monica, as that was name of the talking giraffe from the “I’m in a book” book that my mom got me as a child. I was the central character and he kidnapped me from my bedroom window for a trip around the zoo. Because kidnapping should be the theme of every small child’s secret trip out with talking animals.

    In retrospect, it could have been worse, my brother’s name is Dan and his special “name spelled backwards” character was a clown. We had to chant his name over and over to give him confidence. How my parent’s kept it together as we cheerfully shouted ” Go Nad, Go Nad!” over and over, I’ll never know.

    Cheese is awesome too – please send it in a Polish cheese lady, as that is apparently a thing.
    http://www.artisanimports.com/polish-pottery/home-decor/stoneware-mini-cheese-ladies/H3264F.html

  154. 156
    Kay Simpson

    Turkish version, please. I have the English one as an ebook. And I think I am actually from Killed Desk Holes, TX! Or Goose Creek. Which is not actually there anymore.

  155. “killed desk holes” and “free cheeses”.

    Is this a GREAT country, or WHAT?

  156. CHEESE FOR EVERYONE. And I would totally buy that book if I spoke Polish. Even though I’ve already read the English version.

    Foxy Wine Pocket recently posted 6 Things I’d Rather Do Than Shop for School Supplies.

  157. 159
    Meg Carey

    Jenny, I already have your book, but my SIL could use one DESPERATELY. Her disease is much like yours and could use your laughter and light to help her out of her dark place.

  158. 160
    h. Miller

    I would love a copy of your book in Turkish. I have a Turkish friend who could translate it for me and he holy banana cloud of speaking goodness. IT IS!

  159. So following the link about you becoming a Czar, and putting that together with your insomniac on Twitter about considering bangs, I see that you used to have bangs back in 2010. It all makes sense now!

  160. I already have your book, although not signed, but sign me up for the free cheese!

  161. I read part of your book while sitting in Barnes and Noble. And then my husband was all “You can’t buy another book, you have a million of them, and we have children to feed”. So I didn’t get the book that day. Now, I just need to go to the store without him!

  162. They have something against mice?

  163. I would love a Turkish copy. I only can read elementary sentences in Turkish, but I’d be happy to share the love by lending to my friends!

    Lark recently posted 120 Books.

  164. Don’t piss you off on August 26th or I’ll be fucked?
    Thats no threat.
    Thats a dream, a goal, a promise!!?
    Most Americans are probably making their piss-off Jenny lists right now.
    Those Polish folks must have some wierd rules….and foreplay.
    Long Live the Polish Czar.

  165. I would love a signed English copy of your book.

    Also, you need to see this (if you haven’t already):
    http://sharpwriter.deviantart.com/art/John-F-Kennedy-Alien-Hunter-284813648

  166. Pick me, oh, please pick me!

    I’m having horrible allergy issues right now, so I can’t think of anything witty to write…. So I’m just resorting to begging.

    Pretty please, with sugar on top?

    angelsara007 recently posted 5w6d – because I just can’t think of anything else.

  167. 169
    Sacha Tomlinson

    Oh, please, PLEASE, Jenny! I’m actually stationed in Turkey RIGHT NOW!!! (I’m trying desperately to leave…my time is up on 30 July) [I'm an Air Force officer stationed with the Army...that sucks in sooo many ways - but I sure learned a lot. Like I'm glad I'm in the Air Force, not the Army.]

    I would love a Turkish copy signed by you. It would be my FAVORITE souvenir of Turkey! Can I send you a fez? I haven’t figured out where to buy one, but I’d find one for you!

    I love you – you’re awesome. You inspire me. I have a sad little blog. Sad, because I’m not funny, but I try. Don’t read my latest one, but if you have time, learn a little bit about Turkish customs here: http://spacecadette42.blogspot.de/2014/02/turkish-bath.html

  168. Pick me, Pick me!! I’d love a copy of my own :)

  169. My computer translated it and I got “Her father – overgrown with giant looking like Zach Galifianakis dangerous version” which I interpreted as your Dad having a dangerous, giant Zach Galifianakis growing out of him. Still a better love story than Twilight. Hope I get picked for a copy of the book – in English, please :)

  170. 172
    DotWonder

    i’m going home to put a bandana on a bear….

  171. 173
    Robert Finn-Clarke

    I was politely asked to stop giggling like a 9 yr old while reading your book on a flight to Mexico.
    I was less than politely jabbed in the side by my husband who said “see? you look like a crazy person now.” Thank you for making it real.
    I’ve since given your book to others because I’m all about the sharing .
    i suppose a signed copy in Turkish would be the very essense of insanity.

  172. I would love the English copy. I loaned mine out, now she won’t give it back! Please…

  173. 175
    Kathy Kyzer

    Well your majesty, I would just adore a signed English version if you please!

  174. 176
    Sandi Watson

    I have to vote for the gal with the Turkish boyfriend to get the Turkish book. However, I do feel I almost deserve the English one based on all the effing crap I had to take from my boyfriend to merely get a picture of Beyonce’s cousin to post on FB. (I have since put that pic on my phone so when he calls, I get the big metal chicken pic) I told him it was for his benefit, as I am already smiling when he calls.

  175. I like the bear on the cover. I really don’t have anything interesting to add other than that. And that’s not even interesting. Also, I’d like a book.

  176. I’m starting to think this is a shameless plot on your part to increase book sales. Because despite having the English version, I clearly need to buy the Polish version and translate it via Google translate. I also just laughed so hard that I spit on my desk; looks like there’s a lot of desk cleaning going on today!.

  177. Please to be picking me for the book. We were in Turkey a couple of years ago, and I fell in love with the country. Getting the Turkish translation will be just like going back to Istanbul (well, almost.)

  178. Me me me!! I’m a Turko-American and so easy to please! <3 <3 <3

  179. Ooh, I would love to have a Turkish copy! ^__^

  180. As the new Polish Prime Minister I would love for you to ask everyone to rename Polish sausage. Maybe call it “Denise Awesage” instead. Or something… Already have and read your book in English, fyi

  181. 183
    Sarah Beth

    I just went on a trip from CA to MO, and your book was my reading material. The young man who went with me had a very sheltered, healthy upbringing. I think I broke down some cultural barriers! I broke something, I know tha much.

  182. Sounds intriguing ;)

  183. 185
    miss ann thropic

    Frisbee not fresbee. Comment #13 what the hell was I thinking? you can’t go back and edit any of these comments. there should be some sort of warning. i’m such a dumbass

  184. 186
    miss ann thropic (mimi)

    is dumb ass one word or two…geez

  185. Your book was the first to ever make me laugh. Thank you for that.

  186. I really want a Russian copy of your book. :) Just sayin’…

  187. I would love to win a copy of your book in English, please, for my very best friend who is also pretty weird, like everyone else in this Tribe. We are very much alike; so much so that my husband thinks we are like oompa loompas. I am taking that as a compliment, cause oompa loompas are awesome cause they make and eat chocolate all day long, and sing. So, in review, I have gifted several ecopies of your book, but my BFF Paula is technology-challenged, so a regular book is about all she can handle. And even then, I might have to show her how it works. But I so love your book! When I am in need of a guaranteed smile, snort, chuckle, or guffaw, I just pick a random chapter in your book and start reading. Although I have to admit, I like the “turkey that went to school” story best.

  188. Hilarious! Don’t you love those promotions that come out of nowhere?

  189. 191
    Jennifer Marvel

    I can’t even imagine how much more twisted it could get if you did Google translate the entire book from the Turkish. I’d sure love the opportunity to find out, though!

  190. You were insulated by asbestos? This explains a lot. Also, make it cheese fries and you got a deal!

    Sandy the Fearless Scribe recently posted Hump Day Confessin' time.

  191. I regularly doubt my own common sense, but not when I read your book. Reading your book makes my common sense seem uber-common. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

    Shelley J recently posted Convenience store etiquette .... aka you can't scratch those lottery tickets if you're hog tied with the hose from the gas pump.

  192. 194
    michelletf

    As intriguing as the Turkish version would be, I’d love to be able to read (and understand…as much as I can) it, so I’d prefer the English version. Congrats on the publications in other languages!

  193. i would LOVE LOVE LOVE a copy of your book in english though, not sure I have the patience to try and figure out the Turkish one.

  194. Victor has a point, not that it sounds better than the book you wrote, just different. As I read the translated version of what the book was about I was thinking I should learn to read Polish so I could read this book, it sounds nothing like the book I read….Have you translated the Turkish version is it a different book as well? Just how many books have you written?

  195. August 26th is totally my birthday!!! So ya know… if you wanted to send me a present…

  196. I’d love a signed copy of your english version. :) I love your book, and your blog! Ooh, and a day named after me would be cool, but I’m pretty sure there are better people to name a day after.

  197. So reading about your book made me think what a good gift idea this would make and when I looked it up on the interwebs it told me what other books related to this book: Apparently you wrote a whole line of books having to do with Computer science!!! I am so much more impressed with you now that I know that…not that I know anything about science let alone Computer science. Way to Go Jenny!

    First on the list:
    Edexcel AS GCE Applied ICT Double Award
    Jenny Lawson
    Heinemann, 2005 – Computer science – 320 pages
    0 Reviews
    Offering you complete choice whatever your needs for the new GCE Exactly what you need for the new GCEs in ICT with books matching each specification and providing all information needed for either the single or double award. The only books matched to every type of course students can take – whether it is a single award or double award, with Edexcel, OCR or AQA. The theory is linked to real IT industry practices so that students feel engaged and motivated Each book is written by an experienced author team to give tutors absolute confidence in the quality of the content. The colourful clear design and lay-out allows students to easily access the material Clearly differentiated assessment activities make it easy for students to work to a particular level

  198. As a fellow anxiety sufferer, I love reading your posts and getting a giggle. So I’d love reading a whole book full of your special wisdom. :-)

    Elizabeth Delisi recently posted Sale Price Still Available.

  199. I need a copy. I started reading a checked out version of your book from my digital library, but I have been reading the first Game of Thrones book for like 80 days now, also checked out, and if I turn on my wifi to get your book captured on there, I lose GOT (it was a two week check out), so I was reading it on my computer, but I am also writing a novel, so I never got any reading finished and it expired. And I should probably finish writing my book before reading other books, but you said reading books was great practice for writing, so give me a book, damn it. =P

    J Rose recently posted Only You Can Start Forest Fires!.

  200. Diplomatic immunity!

    Please don’t “break my head”

  201. 205
    Jesse Avant

    I like that the bear on the new cover is equally friendly and conservative, waving and protecting his modesty. Pure class, Beyoncé style.

  202. Pick me! English would be best.

  203. Usually, my comments include a link to my latest blog post. Doesn’t seem to be working today (at least not on my end) Shameless plug:

    http://psb1969.blogspot.com/2014/07/letting-go-of-past.html

  204. Oh my goodness. You will be a great prime minister. Can you decree jobs for all? I would like that.

  205. Oh please pick me for the book! One of my good friends just spent 9 months in Turkey (and actually learned the language) and this would be the ideal coming home present!! He’s totally into stories that are not wrapped in cotton.

  206. Someday I will be cool enough to have something I have written butchered by Google Translate. Someday.

    walkerwhimsy recently posted In the Beginning, There was Hair Color.

  207. Gee, I bet the whole GPS/getting lost bit in your book is even better when translated from Polish! Seeing as how that part makes me damn near die laughing every time I read it, I don’t know that I could survive the Polish translation. P.S.–I found some truly ah-mazing taxidermy photos that you simply must see…somehow. There is even a hair accessory!

  208. I kind of would like a Turkish copy actually. I spent two years living in Turkey and I could use it to refresh my Turkish. Or I could send it to one of my friends over there and get them to convince more people over there to buy it. :)

  209. 213
    April Mae

    Book? I do love the polish translation! I haven’t laughed that hard in a while, well, I guess just since I last saw your twitter feed :)

  210. My husband regularly comments on my “bizarre” choices in reading materials. He started when my reading selections weren’t all that odd (I read your book in this time period, but I can’t recall if he teased me about your book specifically), but his persistent commentary only increased my desire to find stranger and stranger books.

    About two weeks ago, as I happily thumbed through my latest acquisition: “The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification” (link: http://www.amazon.com/Stray-Shopping-Carts-Eastern-America/dp/0810955202?tag=oddee-20), he noticed the cover and made a disgusted face while proclaiming: “Next you’ll be reading books in Turkish or something!!” So, obviously, you have to help me prove a point here, Jenny.

  211. “Not wrapped in cotton” sounds like “balls-out/ovaries-out, neck-or-nothin’, no holds barred, no punches pulled, badass.” So it fits.

  212. Pick me, pick me! (For the English version.) I never win anything!

  213. I’m of Polish descent…can I have the Polish copy?? Also, @Stainles, I’d like to know where I can get a “crazy cat lady action figure”…

  214. What’s with this ‘OR’ business? I’d like an English copy signed in English, a Turkish copy signed by a Turkey and I am willing to change my name to Your-Name-Here just to have a day named after me…. (note to self, after getting day named after me, change name to First or West so ALL THE TOWNS will have a street named after me).

  215. Losing my mind. A book may help. Not sure which direction it would help, but it has to help with the losing of one’s mind.

  216. 220
    Ann Adams

    I’d like one of the foreign books to put on the coffee table because my husband thinks you’re a bad influence on me and gets crazy a lot when I do things that sound like things you would do so he’s often crazy. I tell him it’s his fault because he married me and since I’ve gotten crazier since then it must be his influence on me, not yours. (But I hope it’s yours because yours is a much better kind of crazy.)

  217. Congrats on getting published in Polish. My mom had a Polish boyfriend when I was a kid. He taught me about Polka music. I was enamored with him. When I turned 35 I found out that the man I believed to be my father wasn’t and that Polish boyfriend Charlie was in fact my father. He had passed away by then. And my mom was older and couldn’t remember his last name. I’m left with the memory of Charlie, his Polka records, the bags of M&m’s he’d bring me from his chain of supermarkets and my desire to call him dad. On your one day of Prime Minister, please kindly wave your scepter and summon all the families who had a dad named Charlie and owned a supermarket. Let them know they have a long lost sister wanting to listen to those records with them.

  218. I totally want a Turkish copy. No I don’t speak/read Turkish. No I’ve never been there (although it is a life goal of mine to visit Istanbul).

    planetnomad recently posted What’s on my Nightstand–June ’14.

  219. That is amazing!! One day you will need a whole room for just the different copies of all your books!! Woohoo!

    Stephanie@themadchatters.com recently posted Superheroes.

  220. I am in awe that you are published in Polish. New alliterative brag – ‘You may think you’re all that, but are you published in Polish?!’ Pick me, please!

  221. Congratulations on being published and mistranslated in Polish and Turkish. I read the English version of your book recently and have proclaimed it to be one of the best books I’ve ever read. I laughed, I cried, I insisted that my fiance stop everything he was doing so that I could read parts of it to him. He seemed to enjoy what he could understand amid my fits of laughter as I tried to read out-loud. A few times he got a fearful look that said “holy crap you’ve written a book about us under an assumed name and changed the details to hide our real identities.” However I have only been to Texas twice and to my knowledge do not have any relatives that are skilled at taxidermy. I do have relatives that were buried with cans of PBR if that helps. ANYWAY, I have demanded that he read it as well. To my dismay he has not yet. I need the Turkish version to read to him. Neither of us speak Turkish, but I think it would be hilarious and maybe we’d learn it by osmosis.

  222. Gratulacje!

    Maverick ~ recently posted Sunshine ~ ☼.

  223. I would love a Turkish copy of your book! One of my best friends is Turkish and even though she’s been in the U.S. for over 20 years, she still comes up with some of the best misinterpretations. I want to give her the Turkish version of your book, open up a bottle of raki, then compare and contrast our different editions.

  224. I’m sure you want to send your signed Turkish book to Austria! ;-) Wish you a lot of fun with the google translation!

  225. 229
    Shmoopski

    Hey Jenny!! I love this blog!! I stumbled here on accident one day when I was super bored and I just kept laughing like a crazy person at my desk while reading your blog! (This is most unfortunate because I am a receptionist at a Mental Health Organization and I looked weird, oh well) Anyways, I loved your blog so much, I shared it with a co-worker who was having a bad day and she shared with another co-worker and I shared with another co-worker and we are all reading your book!! Coming from a Mental Health environment, we applaud your perseverance through your anxiety and depression and the incredible way you use your issues to motivate yourself and others! I look up to you in when I am down and I have read your book twice and I love it!! Please keep writing and I will keep reading!! Much love!!

  226. 230
    collettew

    I’m too old to learn Turkish but I’d love an English version. LOVE your sense of humor.

  227. The last word on that Turkish cover looks a whole lot more like “napalm” than I normally expect in a memoir.

  228. Your book AND free cheese. swoon

  229. 233
    Christianna

    Who knew you were trilingual? How about I send YOU cheese from WIsconsin and you send me a book since I gave my last one away ?

  230. A book sounds good. Cheese too. It would be like Christmas, only with less blood.

  231. Perhaps I could read the Turkish version while taking a Turkish bath?
    If I only knew how to translate turkey

  232. Did you say, “Free cheese?” I’m IN!!!!
    Congrats on your book! Condolences on the translation… :)

    susielindau recently posted Wordless Wednesday.

  233. How should I celebrate August 27th?

  234. 238
    Nichola Burton

    pleaseeeeeeeeee say your next book is coming soon. I have passed my copy of lets pretend this never happened to people 6 times and read it twice. You rock. FACT. Yes i know I should just encourage said book borrowers to buy it but I am a firm believer in sharing is caring ! P.S. you really should make a trip to Vancouver Canada on your next book tour, its like California only greener.

  235. yes! I am in for the draw on the turkish one…..And I second the comment above me about coming to Vancouver! PLEEZE!

    Mary-Anne recently posted Following my own advice.

  236. My birthday is August 26th!! You should come to my bday party and we can make it also a celebration of your inauguration as Polish prime minister. And, you’ll be in good company because all my most favorite people are socially awkward, silly, and love wine slushies.

  237. Ooh! I would love a copy in Turkish! My mom is learning Turkish and you would love her. She got tear drops tattooed on her face without realizing the gang symbol significance. And somehow she pulls them off in the least thug way possible.

  238. I think that this should be your campaign slogan when you run for President of Amurica. – “Through her sense of humor, millions of people doubted their own common sense” Also, you must pronounce it “Amurica” or I will not vote for you. Well, I will if you promise to work “Fuck all that” or “For Christ’s sake, Lois” into your inaugural address. Either one, your choice. And might I suggest that you wear a glitter tiara to your first State o’ the Nation speech.

  239. There are many classics that I have read and re-read. But none more so Let’s Pretend. I also refuse to delete from my Kindle and send it back to the cloud because I never know when I nee to quote you.

  240. I’m kinda jealous that I don’t have a father-feeling hairy giant myself. Or not, I mean, is that like a friendly giant or is it more like a hairy giant that shows up at Thanksgiving and molests your Dad? That last one seems like he should be avoided. Maybe you can find out when your Prime Minister and let me know.

  241. I’m so glad you decided to tell your story instead of wrapping it in cotton. That would have made it difficult to read with cats around!

  242. 246
    Rachel Grace Turkan

    I would love the Turkish version! I was born there and my parents even game me a Turkish middle name. Please, please, please pick me! Also, one of my cats found my headband and is freaking out. She thinks it’s alive.Ten minutes straight of this.

  243. 247
    Rachel (in the Woo)

    I’ve got to be honest, Jenny, I’m just lookin’ for free cheese for everyone.

  244. I’d even be with happy with just a piece of cheese. I m not picky.

  245. 249
    also a product of irritating parenting

    I want free cheeses.

  246. I already have a day named after me. Or I’m named after the day. Or something like that. I’m famous each week! Yahoo! (congrats!)

  247. I’m just here for the free cheese.

    But really though, that was some good stuff.

    Natalie @ Never Serious Blog recently posted It hurts me to write this..

  248. wait wait wait i might be confused. do you have more than one book. i mean more than one book in English? I have what i thought was your only book and i love it. It changed my life. Please clarify about the number of books though. I couldn’t go on living if you had another book and i didn’t read it! I know it sounds a bit dramatic but, whatever. Seriously though do you have more than one? by the way congrats on the bandanna bear and the cheese. I love cheese. and bears. and bandannas.

  249. Give me all the cheese! Oh, and a book. =)

    Jenny Williams recently posted Euclid’s Elements.

  250. Pick me! I would be the only Australian with a Turkish copy of a book written by a Texan..
    Also, I went to Turkey on a holiday and a man said to me “You are very beautiful..you have two eyes..”I would love to find that man and respond with an appropriate excerpt from your book..

  251. Turkish version? Hell Yes! In July of 1969 I graduated from Army Language School as a… (drum roll, please) Turkish Linguist! 45 years later I don’t remember anything except how to ask if you own any children or pets. Nevertheless, the Army never took back that slip of paper that shows I am certified. Or maybe it says I am certifiable, I did join the US Army of my own free will after all. I think the book is mine. If not, I love you anyway.

  252. Reading your work always makes me happy. I wish I could give your book to every person I meet, but I don’t think they would get it, which just makes me sad. Also I don’t have that kind of money. I would have so much fun buying a load of your books and just handing them to people on the street. This may also be why I’ll never have that kind of money. Too bad for them! PS Im ready for that second book now. You know you’ll never satisfy your fans now, we’ll always want more!

  253. I like the part about you telling your story not wrapped in cotton. That made me giggle!

  254. Must have the Turkish version of the book! I’ve tormented my Turkish husband by reading most of the book in English out loud to him I’d love to also be able to do it in his native language!

  255. We used to make cookies called Turkish Twirls when I was a child. They were actually pretty good. I prefer the English version though as I am unfortunately lacking in Turkish language skills.

    Laura recently posted Closets.

  256. 260
    Jessica k

    OOOOH! Pick me, pick me! If I win, I’ll buy you ice cream. Or skittles. Or any candy you want, really. OOH! Vodka soaked gummy bears. Yup.

  257. I’m not a terribly religious person, but I would pray to cheeses for a Turkish copy of your book.

  258. English please, oh most funny Polish Prime minister

  259. 263
    Stacey Ronczy

    Oh Jenny, wonderful as usual. Clearly you take after your hot advocate mother.

  260. “a house of sensational eccentrics”
    I believe that describes your upbringing in a nutshell. :-)
    As for your book, I’d like the Klingon translation, please.

  261. Free cheese!!! That and a chance to win a cool looking book, who could ask for anything more? Wait, what kind of cheese?

  262. I have a Turkish co-worker/friend that would love a copy of your book!

  263. I promise to only read (or attempt reading) the Polish copy of your book if I am eating Polish sausage at the time. :) It will be a fun, and greasy, way to spend an evening.

  264. Ok. I never post. And. I’ve had some wine …. BUT… I have a teenager who is deadly afraid of moths. I need that poster. I want to buy that poster so that when he turns 19 (or so) I can give it to him. I look at it, daily, and laugh, out loud to myself because, we’ll, it’s perfect. Thank you for this moth fearing moment. My son feels the same.

  265. I’ve purchased at least 5 copies of your book, and yet I currently own zero copies. I keep loaning it to other people who read it, tell me how much they love it, and then mysteriously forget to give it back. I can’t even get honestly mad at them because it’s such a good book that it makes me happy to share it with others and them loving it so much that they are turned into dirty, filthy thieves makes me kind of love them even more. I think maybe–just maybe–if I had a signed Polish copy I could probably hang onto it a little better.

  266. So since I don’t know anything about Turkey…wait, is a turkey the national bird for Turkey?
    So when they shove a duck Ina chicken Ina turkey, is that like an international incident to Turkish or Turkanians people? Is that what Turkanians mobsters put under the covers as a warning instead of a horse head, the dreaded Turdukan?
    Anybehoose I would love a copy of the Turkish rendition of your book!!
    PS. Yes, I do suddenly realize I need to get out more…hey did anyone else just realize it’s summer?

  267. I handed my copy to a friend to borrow and she confiscated it permanently, so I’d love a new copy… preferably in English ;)

  268. I’m a big fan of Turkey (the food, I’m sure the country is magical) and even bigger fan of you. Would love the signed copy!

  269. I’d like a copy please in Polish, German, Hebrew or really any language. But, since you are being crowned the New Polish Prime Minister maybe you should use the word “Fuck.” I mean it’s fine for us, the fans but you now need to pay attention to International Law. Ha Ha I amuse myself, get it, Lawson. Anyway, does pointing this out put me out of the running. I sincerely hope not. Your fellow blogger and friend, Laurie F.

    hibernationnow.wordpress.com recently posted Doing The Laundry With George.

  270. UH OH, I MEANT MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T USE THE WORD FUCK. DAMN, FREUD ALWAYS GETS IN MY WAY. DARN THOSE SLIPS.

    hibernationnow.wordpress.com recently posted Doing The Laundry With George.

  271. 275
    Fiona Plunkett

    Oh. My. God. I may be Canadian, born in England, but I’ve always felt I was Turkish in a previous life. I don’t know why it was named after a very slow moving bird though. They can be quite fast sometimes, especially in the fall approaching Thanksgiving. I encountered a turkey once, he was walking across the road and then turned to escape my rather large vehicle hurtling towards him (in hindsight it was probably a her because it’s tail was very short) at a rapid speed. It launched itself into the air but headed straight towards my car. As you may, or may not know, turkeys are awkwardly flying birds and take bloody forever to get airborne. This motherfucker decided that airborne was the best option but headed straight for me. Well thank goodness for updrafts of a Chevy Cobalt because the stupid beast was propelled above my car and flapped like an idiot into the next field. Ironically, as it hurtled towards my windscreen, I ducked. Not like the glass and metal would protect me. sigh Have you ever seen turkeys sleeping in trees? It’s freaking hilarious.

    I’m sorry… what was the question?

  272. Ooh! Pick me!

  273. Okay, this is really weird but these are the reasons I’d love to have the copy of your book in Turkish:
    1) I pet sat for a neighbor the last few weeks and today they give me a small bag of thank you gifts purchased for me while on their vacation. Where? Turkey!
    2) I had no idea what the language on the packaging was until my house guest (20 year old daughter of a friend who is majoring in language studies and staying with me today only) surprised the hell out of me by reading the descriptions and telling me it was Turkish.
    3) I wouldn’t keep the book for myself – I’d gift it to my friend’s daughter. I know she’d love it in English but it would be extra special (and funny as hell) for me to give it to her in Turkish because of what happened today.

    (And if you want I’d totally trade you my spiffy new tube of Turkish Pomegranate Hand, Body and Face Cream.)

  274. I only have the Kobo version (so sorry, so Canadian) but I would love a real book version in English . (If I was so lucky as to win) Thanks for all the times you’ve made me laugh, it’s a gift to be that special kind of crazy!

  275. One of my best friends is a proud Turkish Cypriot, and it would blow his tiny mind if I could give him a signed copy of your book.

  276. I neeeeeeeeed new books! Gimme!!

  277. If you give me the book, I will use it to crush hibernationnow.wordpress.com’s caps lock key.

    tanktronic recently posted Seven Things You Need to Stop Doing on Facebook.

  278. I already have three copies of this book (because people love me and know how much I love you so I got it for my birthday a couple of times), but hey, you can never have too much Jenny Lawson! And also I don’t have a copy in Turkish. Because I don’t read Turkish. I have been to turkey, though. And I actually saw a Turkey there. This is important.

  279. I have read your book on my e-reader and in real book form because I didn’t feel like I got the true experience on my tablet. That’s right, you sound different from a screen vs. paper. Who knew?

  280. I want it in English. I am pulling myself out of a darker place and I think it will help.

  281. I love your book it helped me through my two year of DP/DR. It gave me literal lols for as many days as I could space it out. I don’t know what version I’d want if I was chosen. I’d just want a very Jenny note in it. lol can’t wait for the second helping of your writing. :D

  282. I wonder, if when a child, I had woken up as I dreamed of a hairy giant whether my father would have felt him….

  283. As someone who spends a lot of time talking to my office help aka the cats, I just want to thank you for making me feel slightly less crazy. I still try to tell people about the murderer on the other side of your bathroom door, but I get laughing too loudly and it comes out all snorty. Thank you for that.

  284. What does Turkish look like? Is that how you ask? I better stick with English.
    .

  285. I really do need a new copy of your book. I went to a signing, listened to you, laughed until I peed. Waited in line, met you, took pics, etc. But my ex-boyfriend, who sleepwalks and is apparently not house-trained, peed on the book in the middle of the night. I hope you can understand my reason for leaving. Him, and the book. But I’m pretty sure that qualifies me for a “don’t have to wait in line again” replacement. A lot of peeing going on where your book is concerned.
    Coincidence? I think not. ♡♥♡

  286. If you send me an autographed English copy I’ll get you something awesome from the Doctor Who Experience gift shop. Promise.

    Mark recently posted Cwtch the Bride has hit the big time.

  287. I first encountered your writing at a bookstore up the street from me 2 years ago. You were on display (too bad not the real you) next to the front door, and there was a Shakespearean Hamster on the cover. I has to pick it up. And then I had to explain to my wife why I was cracking up. Fast forward to this spring, and I am introduced to your blog, and then another couple months and I see the book with the hamster in the corner (of the blog, since this sentence is getting ridiculously long).

    All of that build up is to say, while I would absolutely love a copy of your book (especially in Polish!), I would really like to actually buy your work and support both you and my cool local bookstore.

    Rock on, Blogress!

  288. English copy please :-)

  289. Can I get BRITTANY DAY and a copy of your book? Because I’m a little selfish. Not so selfish that I will tell you want language the book has to be in- your call on that one. Just a tiny bit selfish. Thanks!

    brittanyssp recently posted Are You Going Back to School?.

  290. I would truly love any copy of your book…I own two, loaned them out to very slow readers and haven’t had them returned yet. Has your book been translated into Dutch yet? Would love to see you on the cover in wooden shoes and that cute little hat!

  291. “Her father – Feelin’ hairy giant who looks like a dangerous version of ZACHA Galifianakisa” What is that? and did he feel hairy and giant all the time?

  292. I’m going to Turkey in September and would love to have a copy of your book in Turkish to carry around with me and then give to some deserving Turkish person who looks like they need a laugh.

  293. Having an autographed copy of anything from you would make me cry happy tears of over-attached creepiness. So, uh, yeah, you should get on that, because I make such a compelling case for myself.

    Melece recently posted Soleless..

  294. I want a book!!! Please!!!!!!

  295. Your truly are a hilariously bright spot on an otherwise dullish day.

  296. I think I should get the sign copy because I’m Turkish :) Is that enough? Ok what else? I’m a huge fan of your work. I already have my copy but it doesn’t have you signature on. So I’ll keep the new one to myself and give the other one as a gift to some else. You see you’ll lead to a good cause here :) Thanks to you not only me get a copy but also someone else gets a great reading :) Oh, please! Let me have the signed one :)

  297. As someone who had actually been to Turkey…not as a tourist but as an armed combatant…I feel uniquely qualified to accept your book in Turkish. Also I’m from Texas which should be worth added points.

  298. I would love a copy of your english book, thanks,Sherry

  299. 303
    Krystine McCants

    I don’t speak Turkish, but owning a Turkish language copy of your book would make me inordinately happy. :)

  300. 304
    Vicki Reid

    I would love to own a Turkish copy of your book because (and this really did happen), I read your book while on a flight to Istanbul and it did make me laugh out loud until tears ran down my face and people on the plane stared at me like I was a crazy person, which I possibly am. Also, yesterday I wore the same dress that you are wearing in the picture holding your book and I think that means something significant although I’m not sure what.

  301. I kind of want the polish version just for the epic cover!!

  302. 306
    Phyllis Eddings

    I want the Turkish one! I’ve been learning Turkish and this would be the most awesomely brilliant way to practice!

  303. 307
    Rhonda Bemus

    I would love to have a copy of the English version. I love your blog. Take care.

  304. Though I only want a copy where you come from killed desk holes, I’m sure I can find equally interesting translation “errors” in the Turkish copy. Only the Polish it will do!! Please, please, please send me a signed copy! It will be put in a place of great honor, as a book from the Czar of a town and the Polish-Prime-Minister-for-a-day should be.

  305. I nearly got tossed out of the carpool for laughing hysterically then maniacally then that nearly silent hitching laugh that happens when you’re out of breath from all the laughing and tears are streaming down your face then repeating the cycle until I was done with the book. I’d love an English copy (or Romanian if you have it) so I can continue scaring carpoolers. Thanks Jenny!

  306. Doesn’t matter what language it’s in … BY FAR the FUNNIEST book on the planet! I send it to all of my friends … SANE and INSANE alike! xo

  307. Absolutely awesome. I would love a copy of you in a language I don’t speak. The english version is a riot so it can only be funnier in other languages.
    Take your time on #2. I’m sure it will be totally worth it.

  308. 312
    Emily Porter

    I can’t wait for your next book to come out! I basically had to force your first book down my friends throats to get them to read it (I think the cover scared them a little, they’re all a bunch of vegans. So not harming animals and all that shit). And as soon as your next book is released I will camp out on their doorstep until they relent and submit to the awesomeness.

  309. Love this. Love you!

  310. I’d love a copy- if you send me one in Polish, an audio translation (in English), voiced by you of course, would be appreciated :) Or you could just send me an English copy. Anyways, congrats!!!

  311. I also grew up amidst a house of sensational eccentrics, insulated by asbestos. Small world.

  312. Hi Jenny, I’ve just finished reading your book.

    Yes, I know it’s been out for a couple of years now, I’ve been busy. Stop judging me. And I didn’t want to spend my own money on it so I had to wait for birthday or Christmas money.

    Yes, yes I know I’ve had a couple of birthdays and Christmas holidays since it was published but there’s always been something I had to have but would never use that I bought with the money. Again, no judging. Stop that.

    Anyway, finally, I bought it. I even read it. And spent many an evening chuckling to myself in bed as I immersed myself in your wonderfully weird world and wondered who would play you and Victor in the inevitable movie adaption. I’m betting on Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. No, wait. That’s Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Sorry, I get you two couples mixed up.

    Right, I’m digressing a little here. The reason I’m writing, other than to congratulate you on the book, is to say I spotted a glaring error (obviously missed by your editor who must’ve been having a bad day that day…) which is; “Dude, Where’s My Car?” is a terrible movie?

    What?! Are you frikkin’ kidding me?!! It’s a classic! Especially Data’s cameo (though I missed the Star Trek: The Next Generation tie-in episode). Hang on. Wait a mo again. I watched it after a night out and more than a little drunk. Maybe I should watch it sober. I’ll get back to you on that one, Jenny.

    In the meantime, your blog continually reminds me that normality is overrated and best left well alone. Keep it up!

    PS. Thanks for the follow on twitter

  313. My mother visited recently. After returning home, she sent me a message that she had taken your book from MY nightstand.
    Now she calls me ten times a day, laughing hysterically, and reading your book to me.
    I need to win a copy!

  314. I can’t read Turkish, but I legitimately have a TURKISH FRIEND who DOES read in Turkish. Probably because she’s Turkish. Maybe there is another reason, but I am pretty sure it came with citizenship. She also reads like eight other languages and makes me look like a dyslexic, high functioning person suffering from Dissociate Identity Disorder. Oh, wait. That’s exactly what I am. Huh.

  315. 319
    tina stanaitis

    What a wonderful reason to LEARN TURKISH!

  316. I swear that the international versions of your book are so much fucking better when you give the translations than the English version! I thought the English version was pretty damn amazing!!! About that 2nd book – take your own sweet time…it will come…and it will be fucking amazeballs!!!

    C. Lee aka The Urban Chicken Keeper recently posted MEET THE LADIES!!!.

  317. Haha that is great. I can’t wait to read the next one.

  318. I need something of quality to pass on to my spawn. I think your book fits the bill. PS books=hard. Write away winning unicorn.

  319. Now I kind of want your book in multiple languages just to let Google translate do is magic on them all…

  320. I would love a new copy of your book. My friend broke the spine and knocked a glass of water over on it. I need a new one so I can give her the messed up copy.

  321. I’d love a copy of your book! I saw it in Heathrow airport at a corner shop set out to sell a bunch :) Good luck and glad to see you getting around so much.

  322. Heyyy I want that turkish copy :) At least I can read it :)

  323. My Polish consists of “Where is the bathroom?” Does that appear in your book? Hmmmm, maybe the English one, then.
    Btw, I recently shared the camp post with someone who had just sent her kid off to camp and was upset. I think it helped?

  324. Piç kurusu knock! So says my Turkish friend who could actual read your book in her native language.

  325. The Turkish version would be neat. I could venture into the Forrest and spread the good news of Lawsonism amongst the turkeys. I’d be like Columbus, but with less slavery.

  326. There’s a Polish saying “Not my circus. Not my monkeys.” (not my problem) I think the Bloggess version is “Got my own circus, but I’ll still take the monkeys.”

  327. I kindof want the Polish version. Just look at how awesome that bear is!

  328. 332
    Michelle C

    I want a free American English version because I’ve changed jobs and can’t afford a new one! Even if you unintentionally snub me and pick some other deserving person I will still read your blog. XO Michelle

  329. The picture on the Turkish book looks like fuzzy ovaries at first glance, and I thought, “No. No, not flattering at all.” This might sound kind of weird, but yeah, I’d love to take a look at that up close if it’s still available…

  330. The translation is even funnier when you know Polish and try to reverse-engineer what the original phrases used to mean. In Polish, ‘to wrap (something) in cotton’ means ‘to beat around the bush’ and ‘to break you head over something’ means ‘to think about something really hard’ or ‘to rack one’s head’. But my favourite is the ‘killed desk holes’ one – the phrase ‘dziura zabita dechami’ (literally: ‘a boarded-up hole’) is used when talking about a tiny town with very few inhabitants (I guess ‘in a middle of nowhere’ would be a good Enlish equivalent). Though when you think that ‘a boarded-up hole’ just won’t cut it and you’d like to use a more colorful expression when talking about a really secluded area, you can say that it’s a place ‘gdzie psy szczekają tyłkami’ – ‘where dogs are barking with their butts’. Ah, the subtle beauty of the Polish language.

  331. 335
    Jane Warren

    Is it too late to leave a comment in hopes of winning a copy of your book? I hope not. I hate having my hopes dashed… I would love an English version because I’m not brushed up on my Turkish (especially because I’ve never learned Turkish).

  332. August 27th, 2014, happens to be my 34th birthday, so, if you do become the new Polish Prime Minister, all I really want is a giant, red velvet ice cream cake from Cold Stone Creamery. Or a copy of your book. Either or. I’m easy to please!

  333. insert obligatory comment about an official pole-dancing polecat day

  334. I’m so glad your story was not wrapped in cotton ;-)

  335. That sounds like the best sort of Turkish Delight! Best wishes for you, Madam Czar!

  336. I was just scrolling through your blog thinking, yes I must make this one a regular read, when I came across the realization that your book was being translated into Polish. I was born there, let’s just agree it was 27 years ago… And I always tend to have a soft spot for the homeland. I am about to break the spine of the English version, because let’s face it, it would take 3 years for me to read it in my native tongue. While pointing at each word & sounding it out out loud. yay

  337. See? This is why I could never learn another language, all the damn words are different.
    Julie
    (who would love an English version, even though she got it from her library and was nearly top of the reserve list way back when it originally came out)

    lunarmom recently posted Enduring Measured Length, again..

  338. Sue, from my book club (the Book Babes) is half Turkish and half Greek. Talk about fighting inner battles… Anywho, as a result we usually spend time making fun of her people who walk on their hands. If you haven’t seen this- use the Google. And of course there is her odd fear of dolls. To make up for the fact that I text her creepy pictures of dolls from the antique fair all of the time, I’d like to give her your book in Turkish. If you already gave it away, can you tell us where to get one?

  339. I want this so bad & I have no idea why.

  340. That is the most amazing translation ever. It makes it sound kind of like a horror slasher novel, doesn’t it?

  341. Wait…so your books are edible? Cuz I love Turkey! Also is Kill Desk Holes near Dime Box? Cuz we were there yesterday.

    That Nerdy Girl recently posted Remembery.

  342. 346
    Amazingly Gracie

    The other day on Facebook I said I wanted my own holiday. It would consist of free pie, and Supernatural and Doctor Who marathons. One of my best friends, who I’ve known for 23 years (I’m 25) tried shutting down the idea almost instantly by saying no one would ever want to celebrate Grace day. So if you could declare a day to be Grace Day just to prove that SOMEBODY would want to celebrate it, and to piss my friend off at the same time, that would be lovely.

  343. Thinking of something to say that would sound profound and funny! But I suck at it….and I love your blog. Please can I have a copy of your book in English, pretty please…it will be the silver lining in my otherwise dark cloud.

  344. I just had to share this story. I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, but I don’t know many other people who do. This weekend I am at volunteer staff training for a week-long summer camp for childhood cancer patients, survivors and their siblings (the kids are showing up in about an hour!). I read this post Friday night, and at breakfast yesterday I overheard someone utter the phrase “For Christ’s sake, Lois!” from across the room. This was odd, as we all go by silly fake names, so it caught my attention, and I yelled back, “This is Camp! Get tough or die!” It has become an unofficial motto for the staff, and we have encouraged all of them to read the post, partly because it is hilarious, and partly as an example of what you shouldn’t say to your camper’s parents. Thank you!

  345. Oops! Wrong post! That was supposed to go on the one about picking Hailey up from camp! Stupid phone!

  346. You’ll be Polish Prime Minister on my birthday! While that wasn’t the present I was expecting, it is definitely one I will treasure. I hope Poland appreciates their new PM.

  347. “Let us not believe that this is usually true” reminds me of the “Whasssup!” Budweiser commercial parodies with the nerdy white dudes saying, “What are YOU doing?”

    Because mah brain is one big Youtube clip.

  348. I would take the English one or the free cheese….as long as it wasn’t pepper jack because I just can’t seem to master eating that one without gagging! Love it!

    AmberLynn Pappas recently posted Vroom, Vroom, Beep, Beep.

  349. I’d love a Turkish copy! :)

  350. I have it in English – now I need it in Polish – just to have :)

  351. Please Please pick me, I don’t care which language you send me!

  352. 356
    spookycat

    Turkey is the bomb, whatever that means (which means I’d love a copy of your book in Turkish, if you still are so inclined to send them out).

  353. My husband is Polish so you should give me a signed Polish copy :)

  354. Oh dammit. I hope I’m not too late for a Turkish copy of your book. Because you know, Fezzik in The Princess Bride is Turkish. And for some reason I thought to myself, “self, you could imagine Beyonce the Rooster was actually Fezzik.” These are the thoughts I have.

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