Search terms that make me question what’s going on in your life.

Every so often I look at the things people were searching for on the internet that brought them to this blog.  Then I shake my head at humanity.  Then I copy the least offensive but most baffling searches and share them here with you.  Because I’m a giver.  

What people were searching for on the internet this week that led them here:

  • “How to know I’m not in a coma”
  • “accidental lesbian”
  • “u didn’t have to hang up on me you shuld have told me u dont want me to call you poem”
  • “monkeys kissing people walk on the vagina”  (It feels like there should be a period here, but I’m not sure where.)
  • “Miss Johnson you’re amazing”
  • “I want to eat you down into the belly.”  (Wow.  English is not your first language, is it?  Because this is not a good pick-up line.)
  • “Our cat had 4 babies, now there’s 3. Did it eat baby?”
  • “Naked woman hula hooping”
  • “I don’t know what i just did.  I just peed on my favorite adult cats.”  
  • “Pictures of me naked”  (You’re not doing this internet thing right.)
  • “Tell them other bitches funny songs. I’m the one dumb as a 62 ounce slurpee drink”
  • “tentacle pregnancy egg”
  • “Hire people to beat someone up”
  • “hemorrhaging & puddle of blood”  (Why are you on the internet?  GO TO THE DOCTOR.)
  • “Had nervous breakdown/now my daughter is “taking care” of me/what do I do?”
  • “I just cut five inches off my hair. how do i get my hairs back?”  (Oh, honey.  Bless your stupid heart.)
  • “I will never go back to jail.”
  • “Jenny Lawson is a tall treat.”  (Aw, shucks.)
  • “dig dog up to see how he died”  (I’m guessing he died because you buried him?)
  • “crafty unicorn made out of real hair”
  • “Fuck off.  I’m fabulous.”
  • “Those chimpanzees will be sued”
  • “Is it ok to let my dog eat me?”  (I don’t know what this means…but in any case, no.)
  • “how do you get the dog stop sucking the head eggs and let me have a phone number to call them people?”
  • “that one had hair on it”
  • “Gandalf, you better be at my door” (YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF GANDALF.)
  • “78 year old lady does her own home perms”
  • “How to remove tracker bug from belly button?”  (I think you’re confusing real life with the Matrix again.)
  • “mushroom looks like snowman”
  • “guys sit on a buck of fireworks and pops the butt.”
  • “Something red is poking from my belly button.”  (Is it a tracker bug?)
  • “What will happen if you let a moth in your ear?”  (This is like the insect version of “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”.)
  • “Why shouldn’t some cats play cards?”
  • “WHERE M I NOW?”  (Based on your search, I’d guess “a bar”.)
  • “do-it-yourself cat costumes for toddlers”
  • “Did nellie oleson eat shit on little house on the prairie?”
  • “can you paint cat’s toenails?”
  • “Can I use butter on my dog?”  
  • “Whatever happened to Lou Diamond Phillips?”
  • “Why does my cat smell my left eye?”
  • “why do blueberry unicorns cross the milk chocolate river when they could just fly to the other side?”
  • “Why is there a really long grey hair coming out of my stomach?
  • “What happens if you can’t dig up St Joseph’s body after your house sells?”
  • “What does it mean when someone says ‘Fuck yeah I like watermelon’?”  
  • “Anyone having nightmares about Morgan Freeman?”
  • “Is it ok with Jesus when I am pretending to pray but I am not?”  (Have you even read these other searches?  YOU’RE FINE.)

201 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I think I need a blueberry unicorn.

    Liked by 1 person

    Cassandra recently posted Throwdown Thursday: Knee Defender Edition.

  2. “Why does my cat smell my left eye?”.. Because your left eye stinks, naturally.

    Like

    Charlotte recently posted Hollywood Style and Body Image Through the Years.

  3. Now I kind of want to Google “accidental lesbian” and find out how that works. Like, do you just trip and faceplant into some chick’s lady parts at the beach and then realize you like hanging out there?

    Note to self: SafeSearch ON.

    Like

    Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted The return of Madam Rorschach..

  4. I’m hoping they mean butter their HOT dog. Because why would you put butter on a dog? Hmmm… on second thought, I don’t want to know.

    Like

  5. I feel like “monkeys” is an exclamation. Doesn’t “Monkeys, kissing people walk on the vagina!” have a good ring to it? Either that or it’s the same person from “Those chimpanzees will be sued.” I assume the chimps (monkeys to the uneducated) will be sued for sexual harassment.

    And one of these is profound. What DOES it mean when someone says “Fuck yeah I like watermelon?” I think watermelon is somehow involved, but I’m not sure.

    Like

  6. I’m jealous of your search terms. Mine are usually things like, “Karen is stupid.” For reals.

    Like

    Karen Marie Peterson recently posted How I used my tourist status to get out of a traffic ticket in Canada....

  7. Wow. I have to go with how funny people are, otherwise I’d be disturbed by how strange they are. In either case thanks for making me giggle!

    Like

  8. Now I need to google all those to see what else it leads me to….

    Like

  9. 9
    Mainedobiemom

    Cats will smell your eyes if you are wearing mascara … it is a total “cat attractor”. Honest.

    Like

  10. You are definitely a tall treat.

    Like

    Chooplah recently posted PMS Club.

  11. Wow. What did happen to Lou Diamond Phillips? I really wonder.

    Someone found my blog last week by typing “Forced to wear panties” into Google. I wish I had some way of finding out what they felt when they got there. Annoyed? Pleasantly surprised? Considering their expectations, I doubt they were sufficiently aroused by it.

    Like

    notesfromthebathroomfloor recently posted Love… Is a Many-Splendored Thing.

  12. If I had a nervous breakdown and my daughter was taking care of me, I would just have another nervous breakdown. Surely there is just 1-2 people that just sit around and type this crap in bc if not Armageddon is definitely on the way.

    Like

    Stephanie@themadchatters.com recently posted The Ugly Head of Guilt Needs a Makeover.

  13. IT’S SOME NEWS TO SEE.

    Like

  14. 14
    Hoatherand49

    “Why shouldn’t some cats play cards?”

    Because they’re cheetahs.

    Like

  15. all in the space of a week? people are SOOO random! http://www.thewanderlusthasgotme.blogspot.co.uk

    Like

    gina recently posted Stax Diner - Review.

  16. “how do you get the dog stop sucking the head eggs and let me have a phone number to call them people?”

    I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

    Like

  17. These are amazing. AMAZING.

    Like

  18. WAIT! Maybe I AM in a coma.

    And I am a little fabulous. I can get behind some of these.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Beyond Narcissism: What I’ve Learned.

  19. “Fuck off. I’m fabulous.” That person is the poster child for good self-esteem. 90% of the search terms that get to my blog — which is about knitting, ffs — seem to be concerned with wood ticks and deer ticks. Just because I blog about them (we live in the woods of WI) once a year in June when they are a common pest.

    Like

  20. How the hell do most of these end up directing people to your blog? Maybe you’ve just got all of these words in various places on the blog and you’re crazy popular enough that your blog will show up at the top of search results just for having these words in it, even though they’re not in the correct order? I’m guessing, but that seems logical. Sort of.

    Like

    Adrasteia recently posted Audio: Inside the Mind of Someone With Mental Illness or This Is Why I Can't Sleep Without Drugs.

  21. if you are raising puppies, and the momma dog rejects one of her pups, or a puppy needs a foster mom to nurse it, you cover the puppy in butter. Momma dog can’t smell the “rejected puppy smell” or the “not my puppy” smell, licks all the butter off the puppy. Now the little puppy adoptee smells just like mom spit. Mom takes care of it.

    I have a friend who raises terriers. This is what she does when she has a puppy in need of a foster mom.

    Like

  22. So many of these should be t-shirts, bags, mugs, or greeting cards.🙂

    Like

  23. Suddenly I feel better about the searches that lead people to my blog.

    Suddenly the sky is bluer and the dirt is…dirtier. Yeah.

    Like

    whiskeypants recently posted Animal.

  24. Google is obviously still a Work In Progress.

    Like

  25. “Why shouldn’t some cats play cards?”

    Because they cheat. Cats are dirty cheaters.

    Like

  26. Oh this has made my month!! I have an alarming number of people from Pakistan finding my blog by searching ‘How to divorce my wife’. And the other favourite is ‘Where do the lost tampons go’. Holy Hell!!

    Like

    Sarah @movefuellove recently posted Pain, Problems and Persistence.

  27. I just plan on telling people “Fuck off. I’m Fabulous” any time they make any kind of request of me. “Hey Anna, could you tak..” Fuck off. I’m Fabulous” Yes… this will work well.

    Like

  28. Ooo, I’m selling my house now, so can actually speak to the “what happens if you can’t dig up St. Joseph after your house sells” conundrum. Answer? Unless you sell to people with a dog who digs like a backhoe, NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW YOU HAVE RANDOM SAINTS PLANTED IN YOUR YARD. Do NOT tell them and move away quickly after escrow closes.

    You’re welcome, unknown Googler.

    Like

  29. Hysterical and — you’re right — kind of scary!

    Like

    Jan Stone recently posted You Know, We’re Just Passing Through.

  30. Well at least two are related.
    crafty unicorn made out of real hair” and “I just cut five inches off my hair. how do i get my hairs back?”
    I guess she didn’t realize her hair wasn’t like a magical unicorn and wouldn’t grow back right away.

    Like

  31. My cat TOTALLY smells my left eye! I’m so glad to know I’m not alone!!

    Like

  32. I laughed until I cried. And then my daughter said stop it mom you are distracting me. Wow.

    Like

  33. Lou Diamond Phillips is on Longmire right now. He’s fine.

    Like

  34. Maybe the red thing in the bellybutton was the beginning of Falwell transformation. …

    Like

  35. 35
    G. Trent Galbraith

    Lou Diamond Philips is currently co-starring on the show “Longmire”.

    Just fyi.

    Like

  36. I’m guessing the person who searched for “why do blueberry unicorns cross the milk chocolate river when they could just fly to the other side?” starting searching for “why did I eat so many mushrooms tomorrow” immediately after.

    Like

    Foxy Wine Pocket recently posted Now Is Your Chance: Tell Me What You Think about Blowjobs.

  37. Darn auto autocorrect…DALEK transformation

    Like

  38. “guys sit on a buck of fireworks and pops the butt.”

    I want to see someone pop a butt with our without fireworks..

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Beyond Narcissism: What I’ve Learned.

  39. I was coming to thank you for the best laugh in a grim day with your comment “(Oh, honey. Bless your stupid heart.)”, but I accidentally googled it, and now your blog is 3rd on the search. Sorry about that. Thanks for the laugh!

    Like

  40. “guys sit on a buck of fireworks and pops the butt.”

    I’m realllllly trying to figure out what this one means… Sounds kind of fun.

    Like

    Cie & Liz | Bonne Vivante recently posted Monochromatic.

  41. I thought I saw Lou Diamond Phillips riding a blueberry unicorn while cutting off 5″ of his hair, but NOT the grey hair coming out of his belly button. THAT one is a tracking device.

    No, those aren’t weird at all.

    Like

    Teri recently posted And then, I got locked out of my house....

  42. It’s a blue unicorn, not a Pegasus, therefore it can’t fly. Also I have an awesome pin for DIY cat costume for toddler for Halloween on Pinterest. Lol. Search “TeamShoemaker” and look under tutorials.. you’re welcome random internet person.

    Like

    Jill S recently posted Product Review: Dippin Dots Dot Monster Munch Ice Cream.

  43. Some of these really make me wonder…how the hell did they end up at your blog!!!!

    Like

  44. 44
    Mike Richards

    “monkeys kissing people walk on the vagina”

    How is this not already a song?

    Like

  45. “Did nellie oleson eat shit on little house on the prairie?”
    I’m going to need some clarification on this. Do they mean literally or figuratively (as in, did she kick the bucket…)?

    Like

  46. I’m imagining Google as a person (like that series of videos) and any search that makes Google puzzled beyond belief just gets funneled over to your site. Something is bound to work with that, right?

    Like

  47. “Fuck off. I’m fabulous.” I need to use this in a sentence today. Seriously.

    Like

    mmaxwellbey recently posted first day, first grade.

  48. Can I get a “Fuck Off, I’m Fabulous” t-shirt up in here?

    Like

  49. 49
    Shirley Hand

    Wow. These searches make me glad I’m not a blogger. Life if fucked up enough without having to figure out why people search out these things and you get tagged. Guess I’m getting too old for all of this. Ah…I got nothing.

    Like

  50. 50
    The Silence

    Thanks for making the tears roll through laughter. Now my cat might stop sniffing my brown left eye.

    Like

  51. 51
    Kirk foster

    I’ll have to get back to the entire posting, I got a little sidetracked after reading ” naked woman hula hooping”….

    Like

  52. I just LOVE this kind of post, some people are hilarious!

    Like

  53. A) I have TOTALLY had a “verge of breakdown” week and am just holding it together because I am a single Mom & have to work & pay the bills, but this made me truly laugh out loud and that HELPED.

    B) Lou Diamond Phillips is now on a show called Longmire and he’s effin’ HOT! (Of course, according to the damn “trending now” on Facebook, I just learned that Longmire’s been cancelled so I, once again, thank you for helping me hold it together.)

    Like

  54. 54
    Stephanie C

    If you give a mouse a cookie is one of my favorite books!

    Like

  55. Looking at search terms is always a treat. I used to do it once a week when I first started my blog. I haven’t looked in a while, but this post reminds me that I need to!

    Like

    Magnet for Foolishness recently posted 7 things I wish hadn’t happened this week. But did..

  56. Unless the blueberry unicorn also has wings, which would make it an alicorn or a pegacorn, it can’t fly across the chocolate milk river.

    Like

  57. I’m trying to relate to at least ONE of these search strings. The closest I got is declaring myself the accidental shit storm starter and the accidental porn surfer at work, but accidental lesbian, nope.

    Love your blog, Jenny! And your book is sensational! You are my hero and my inspiration to get my own blog started!

    Like

  58. Mine are almost always about penises… My favorites are probably “bug black dicks,” “sex seens,” and “tiny flaccid dick being chewed on.” Whatever these people were searching for, I’m quite certain they didn’t find it on my blog!

    Like

  59. Reblogged this on Reading, Drinking and Dancing with a Chaser of Snark and commented:
    If you need a TGIF Eve giggle or two, Jenny’s got ’em!

    Like

  60. I second the Fuck off I’m fabulous tshirt idea!

    Like

  61. I’m trying to relate to at least ONE of these search strings. The closest I got is declaring myself the accidental shit storm starter and the accidental porn surfer (both at work, of course), but accidental lesbian, nope.

    Love your blog, Jenny! And your book is sensational! You are my hero and my inspiration to get my own blog started!

    Like

    kdcol recently posted To divorce or not to divorce, that is the question.

  62. Sometimes when I look at the searches I just stare dumbfounded for a bit. By far these outweigh anything I have had. Although I often get unicorns and pegasus mixed up…….The wings throw me.

    I really needed that laugh.

    Like

    fangboner1 recently posted I was published on Mamalode Today!!!.

  63. “monkeys kissing people walk on the vagina”
    Where is Lou Reed when you need him?

    Like

  64. I confess.

    The dog and butter thing was me.

    Don’t judge.

    Like

    ASassyRedhead recently posted I’m tired. It’s as simple as that. I’m just tired..

  65. My top search term this year is “oops” – which really helps me to write a better blog..

    Like

    notquiteold recently posted Row Row Row Your Boat.

  66. I ordinarily wouldn’t ask, but given the other searches, this seems like an appropriate question:

    Does “DIY cat costume for toddlers” mean the toddler makes the costume?

    Like

  67. I think the left eye thing may have been my husband. One of our cats sniffs his left eye every morning and links his left knee whenever he feeds her. She has kitty tourettes or something.

    Like

  68. Thanks for sharing Jenny.
    After reading your list I now have a whack eye pain and a headache which I have heard are 2 symptoms of the craziticus nutjobluenza virus.
    I’m going to bed.

    Like

    Momma Bird recently posted Computer Age Limit???.

  69. Maybe if they google mushroom looks like butt they will find my instagram account.. lol

    Like

  70. The strangest one I ever had was ‘Do fish eggs stick on you?’ – so, someone considering trying that, or wanting to know if they’re not the only one in that predicament? Who knows… Whatever, you win!

    Like

  71. Oh, I’ve been looking for a tentacle pregnancy egg, too! Gosh, I bet that person got the very last one! I had great dreams of populating Earth with the spawn of Cthulu before I lose my fertility. (Pout)

    Like

  72. 74
    ocularnervosa

    That’s not a grey hair coming out of your belly button, it’s the antenna for the tracking device.

    Like

  73. The person wanting to know how to tell if they’re in a coma or not has probably recently been subjected to that image that says, “If you’re reading this you’ve been in a coma for almost twenty years now. We’re trying a new technique. We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we hope we’re getting through. Please wake up! We miss you.”

    They may be gullible. Sell them t-shirts that say, “If you’re reading this then you’re not in a coma.”

    Like

  74. Dammit, I’ve been looking for a tentacle pregnancy egg,too! I bet that other person got the very last one. I was hoping to populate the Earth with Cthulu spawn before I lost my fertility. Shit.

    Like

  75. Hold up! Did Nellie really eat shit on Little House on the Prairie??

    Like

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  76. Gandalf, you better be at my door.
    I just imagined Gandalf as a Jehovah’s Witness.

    Like

  77. Gandalf is far to fabulous to be bossed around.

    Also, seriously…what the fuck are these people ON??

    Like

    Jess at No Pithy Phrase recently posted Mythic Monday: Artemis and Actaeon.

  78. I think I’ve been reading your blog too religiously. I can actually see how some of these land people here.

    Like

  79. My tracker bug is pretty.

    Like

  80. The period comes at the end of the vagina, of course.
    sorry

    Like

  81. The scary thing is, I think English is the language most of these people have spoken since childhood.

    As to why some cats shouldn’t play cards? the answer is simple, they shamelessly cheat.

    Like

  82. 84
    @shthisisme

    I read the search terms and get a little afraid for humanity. Then I read the Bloggess Nation comments and your answers to these searches and realize there’s hope.
    Half of these made me wish I had a panic room.

    Like

  83. Thank you for this. I laughed so hard my muscles hurt. I needed it this morning.

    Like

  84. I swear to you the one about the daughter “taking care” of her? Same search on my blog. I feel like I just won the weirdo lottery or something.

    Like

    Steph recently posted Because I Drive With My Ears, Apparently.

  85. All of the “can” questions? Those should be “should” questions. The answers are completely opposite.
    Can you paint the cat’s toenails? Yes. Should you paint the cat’s toenails? No.
    Can you butter your dog? Yes. Should…
    You see where I’m going with this.
    And to channel Dave Barry here for a moment “tentacle pregnancy egg” would be an AWESOME name for a rock band.

    Like

    Marianne recently posted Unsolved mysteries.

  86. I’d hate to look at the terms that bring people to my blog, the last time I checked it was for the fairly innocent “Russell Morris and lyrics to Rachels Coming Home (an awesome Australian anti Vietnam war protest song btw)”.

    But I have posted some more disturbing stuff since then, and I really don’t want to know.

    BTW: The fabulous Lou Diamond Phillips is currently in Australia starring as The King from the brilliant The King And I, according to all reports he is wowing the socks off the audience and the critics.

    Like

    Boodie recently posted Casually racist, homophobic..

  87. 89
    Paula Helm Murray

    I wanna see someone paint a cat’s toenails. I’ll have 911 on speed dial, but whaevs.

    Like

  88. My cat sniffs my eyes, so that’s a legit question. The mystery is why it led them here.

    Like

  89. I cried twice today. Once was because of this post. I was laughing so hard my cat was staring at me like, “What the hell, lady? I’m trying to sleep here.” Oh my goodness… I so needed this. Thanks.

    Like

  90. “Fuck off, I’m fabulous” needs to be a t-shirt. Seriously.

    Like

  91. All this tells me is that I’m no where near ready to be an internet superstar. I would be hiding in the closet after some of these.

    Like

  92. Please…. Please I need an explanation for some of these! I’m dying laughing! And how do some more of those get here? No sense… At all…omg

    Like

    Jane @ The Blue Morpho recently posted Spring and Summer in a Nutshell.

  93. Well, OBVIOUSLY “Fuck off. I’m fabulous” needs to be our new group motto. I’m totally going to start using it. Constantly.

    Like

    Jess recently posted Boo. And. Bullfrogs..

  94. This made my day so much better. “Fuck off. I’m fabulous.” I am with Jess…group motto. Constant chant. Live Mantra. T-shirts. Tattoos. I have never wanted a tattoo….until tonight.

    Like

  95. Where’s the password-protected post with the very offensive search terms?????

    Like

  96. I don’t know why, but WordPress won’t let me see what my “search terms” are, which I think is really unfair because if people wanted privacy, they shouldn’t be typing things into Google. Although I do hope one day I will read nonsense like “how do you get the dog stop sucking the head eggs and let me have a phone number to call them people?”

    This entire phrase is baffling but also devastatingly awesome. I want to meet whomever typed this sentence, sober or not.

    Like

    Alanna recently posted So I Think Either God Or Frank Sinatra Is Speaking To Me From The Grave..

  97. I love to look at my search terms. They are always so fucking dirty.

    Like

  98. Hey, I got some of the accidental lesbian crowd too! We’re sexually confused blog buddies.

    A piece that I once did on anorexia elicits searches for “anorexic porn” on a disturbingly frequent basis. I find that at least as disturbing as buttering the dog, although that sounds like nasty euphemism.

    Like

    Kate recently posted making faces :: made for me [or you].

  99. 101
    Elizabeth Green

    Lou Diamond Phillips is fine. He’s been doing a show called Longmire and has been touring in the play The King and I. (yes, he is the King).

    Like

  100. Are you more surprised by the search terms, or the fact that these search terms brought people to your blog?

    Like

    Michelle Grewe recently posted What I did today that pissed me off..

  101. So I googled “What happens if you can’t dig up St Joseph’s body after your house sells?” and this was the top search…

    http://thebloggess.com/2010/04/i-didnt-bury-the-body-for-earth-day-though-that-was-just-a-strange-coincidence/

    Followed by this one…

    http://thebloggess.com/2012/08/im-probably-going-to-hell-for-this-one/

    So not only ONE but TWO posts for that search term. And now that I read your posts, it makes total sense to me. It’s not a strange search after all.

    Like

    Michelle Grewe recently posted What I did today that pissed me off..

  102. I’m still floored by “How to know I’m not in a coma.” And then there’s the rest of the list.

    Like

  103. Awesome. Just awesome. You know, each one of these would be a terrific title for a made-up blog article. The imagined story behind “Did nellie oleson eat shit on little house on the prairie?” And, by the way, “Fuck off. I’m fabulous,” was from me. 😉

    Like

  104. “Fuck off. I’m fabulous.”

    Greater words have never been spoken.

    Like

    Katy Bug recently posted The Baby Blanket Saga.

  105. I recently wanted to search one of your old posts about Beyonce and searched “bloggess big cock” before I thought of how bad that could be. Strangely I don’t think I got anything gross!

    Like

    Laura Morrigan recently posted Tea Cup Swap and Crafternoon.

  106. Clearly, a cat with painted toenails also needs a “Fuck off I’m fabulous” shirt to wear while playing cards.

    Meanwhile, I’ve laughed so hard at the post and comments I have to go take a puff on my asthma inhaler now…

    Like

  107. As a personal acquaintance of Lou Diamond Phillips’, I can report that he is just fine. I think he’s either doing a broadway production of The King and I in Australia right now, or he just left.

    Like

  108. I read this next to my sleeping toddler. I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to wake him up.

    Like

  109. It’s a day in the life of a n inner city librarian! And also ” how many layers of aluminum foil does it take to keep obamacare’s fingers off my brain?” Yay for free-association!!

    Like

  110. 113
    James GreyWolf

    How to regain hair after cutting off 5 inches. This is actually a very simple process. All you need is a good sized container of superglue, the hair which was cut off, and a little patience. One by one, attach the cut hair using the glue. Be careful, or you may end up with the free-standing hair glued to your finger.

    Like

  111. “Hire someone to beat someone up.”
    I have a feeling that person is on a list somewhere.

    Like

    CrissyMoss recently posted “What’s on your mind?”.

  112. I wish there was a like button for #14.

    Like

  113. You can paint a cat’s toenails but it requires a small pair of pliers, welding gloves and 2 bottles of Absinthe. Don’t bother – they don’t appreciate the gesture.

    Like

    SpittinChips recently posted Take your meds. Or else..

  114. The weirdest thing I’ve ever gotten is Mulan Doge. Which is weird, because I have no memory of ever writing about either of those things.

    Like

  115. I think butter on the dog is from Where the Red Fern Grows. If you haven’t read it, you need to. With a fresh box of kleenex at hand. Kid brushes it in his dog’s fur to make it shiny. Excellent book for a day when you want a good cry.

    Like

  116. I think I am going to just stay here on the floor howling with laughter until I get a kidney stone!! OMG this is the funniest shit ever and I would have loved to respond to every one of them! Thanks for making my weekend!

    Like

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  117. “how do you get the dog stop sucking the head eggs and let me have a phone number to call them people?”

    This makes my head hurt….

    Like

    Kattie recently posted Therapy Pt 33.

  118. Search results are my favorite. Particularly love the blue unicorn one. What ever did happen to Lou Diamond Phillips?

    Like

    One Funny Motha recently posted I Think Erma Would Agree.

  119. Well, what did happen to Lou Diamond Phillips? I’m possibly not going to be able to rest now until I know.

    Like

    Tonia recently posted Seasides, Meteors and Kicked off Shoes.

  120. The one about Lou Diamond Phillips had me muttering, “Do you people not watch Longmire?” and shaking my head.

    Like

  121. I’m so surprised at all the things in or near belly buttons. Tracker bugs???

    Like

    Holly recently posted Holy crap, is the world as bad as it seems?.

  122. LMAO I love when people do these posts. I haven’t had funny search terms yet.

    Like

  123. My day is instantly better. Thank you! I don’t know if you were laughing or sitting in horror reading these but I laughed until I cried.

    Like

  124. 127
    davidbreslin101

    The answer to the “five inches off my hair” thing is “Just wait. It may take a while.” Unless the dog died because someone buttered him to stop him eating head eggs (you know, head eggs), the rest baffle me.

    Like

  125. That period is supposed to be in the vagina, clearly.

    Like

  126. Bahahaha. I now wonder what is going on in these peoples’ lives too. I get some funny search terms too, but most persistently, “Bear Grylls Hot” because I wrote about him ONCE. ONCE, people.

    Like

    KezUnprepared recently posted I like pina coladas…but I’m not into yoga….

  127. It’s like crazy refrigerator magnet poetry!

    My favorites are “Fuck off, I’m fabulous.” because, obviously.

    And “why do blueberry unicorns cross the milk chocolate river when they could just fly to the other side?”

    Like

  128. Accidental Lesbian needs to spend some time with Fuck Off, I’m Fabulous. Hopefully, some of the fabulous will rub off and she’ll feel more secure in her “accidental” sexual orientation.

    Like

    jaclynschoknecht recently posted The Back-to-School Curse.

  129. I am so glad to hear I’m not the only one having nightmares about Morgan Freeman.

    Like

    NancyTex recently posted conquering turtlehead (and the voices telling me I couldn’t).

  130. Haha! These are one of my favorites of your posts – people look up the weirdest stuff and I don’t know how that leads them to you!

    Like

    Brittany Boyce recently posted Home Free.

  131. You keep adding things to my ‘Life Goal’ list. “Be found by bizarre and unrelated search terms in Google’ is now on the list.

    Like

    The Imp recently posted Last Friday!.

  132. 135
    The Cat Lady

    I think the “Why is there a really long grey hair coming out of my stomach?” is either the a) tracker from the Matrix, or b) really your long lost co-joined Siamese twin that is only now starting to eat its way out of your body, with it’s hair emerging first. shrug

    Don’t like my theory? Fuck off, I’m Fabulous.

    Like

  133. I hope when I am 78, I am not doing home perms. Since I do not do them now, I think I am safe. But should you catch me contemplating this a few decades from now, just know that I’m not totally against euthanasia.

    Like

    candidkay recently posted I need a little leg room.

  134. Reblogged this on Ingrid Oliphant's UnCommon Touch and commented:
    Because, y’all, there’s been too much seriousness on my blog lately! This is sure to crack you up!

    Like

  135. First laugh of the day!!

    Like

  136. This isn’t even about today’s post, but as soon as I saw the following, I knew you had to know about it, and this is the only way I know to get in touch with you:

    http://pinterest.com/pin/88172105180228179/ I think Juanita might have a friend…

    Like

  137. This (and your running commentary) is so funny. Why do all these weirdos end up at your doorstep?😉

    Like

  138. and now I want answers. …

    Like

  139. I have a third-grader so I can’t buy the “F” tshirts. But I would laugh until my eyes leaked to know that someone somewhere can. Personally I’d put the watermelon on the same one — if it’s our new motto, it should probably have your secret code word on it somewhere.

    Like

  140. One of the most popular search terms for my blog? “How to be a professional contest winner.” Because I am that awesome. toot toot

    Like

  141. Great. Now I want watermelon. Oh, and to have Morgan Freeman feed it to me.

    Like

  142. I wrote a blog about whether or not Edward Scissorhands had a penis. Every time I check my search terms, it’s inevitably “did Edward Scissorhands have a scissor dick?” Nice.

    Like

  143. I don’t get nearly that volume of search terms to my blog yet, but I’ve had a couple of funny ones. “clown penis” is my favorite so far.

    However, if you know something on the subject, I am interested in the “Hire people to beat someone up” thing.

    Like

    Eric recently posted “Like a fucking angel but with curse words and prescription drugs”.

  144. “What happens if you can’t dig up St Joseph’s body after your house sells?”
    “What does it mean when someone says ‘Fuck yeah I like watermelon’?”
    These questions will haunt me…Plus I’m jealous because ever since Google went all “privacy-laws” I hardly see any search terms. There was only 1 that was remotely weird enough to be semi-proud of – “jar jar is pity monster”.

    Like

    LVital7019 recently posted TBT: Taking Freeta For a Ride.

  145. I’m not sure I want to know what brought people to my blog… of course i do!
    But I am not that sophisticated yet. One day. I didnt search… I sat next to you on a plane .. then I searched by the name of your book (which was easier for me to remember than your name)

    Like

    Michele recently posted Kindergarten Round 2.

  146. Yes, I ponder the same problems with my blog. Once I looked at my list…behold…creepy thin man…and vagina sores. Now no where on my blog would the latter appear. And I don’t have any either.

    Like

  147. Laughing so hard right now. Stupid really does need to hurt. Soooooooo funny.

    Like

  148. Well, Jenny Lawson really IS a tall treat to some people.

    Like

  149. 153
    Onlypartlydumb

    monkeys kissing people walk on the vagina = Monkeys kissing, people! Walk on. (signed) the Vagina.
    It’s all about the punctuation, people!

    Like

  150. I think I will save this for days when I’m sad. Because how can you be sad reading, ““why do blueberry unicorns cross the milk chocolate river when they could just fly to the other side?”

    Like

  151. People are really strange.

    As am I, I guess because I would like to see the more offensive ones.

    Like

  152. 156
    jeanieinparadise

    I too was wondering what happened to Lou Diamond Phillips – thank you to your comments section to let me know he is IN MY COUNTRY!!

    Like

  153. I hope whoever searched for the unicorn question revisits this page, so they can see the answeres in the comments. (Seriously, search engineer, what were you thinking? Flying unicorns. As if.)

    Like

  154. I am Miss Johnson. And I am, in fact, amazing. I am also exceptionally humble. You’re welcome for the traffic I brought to your cute little blog.😉

    Like

    Shelley J recently posted Random Thoughts Movie Review: Guardians of the Galaxy.

  155. 159
    GamerGirl79

    Thanks for the laughs; your search term posts are always some of my favorites. Needed that today after learning that an author who I liked very much both professionally and personally committed suicide two weeks ago. He’s only really known in the world of mystery writers and he won’t get the attention that Robin Williams did, but dammit, I’m tired of depression taking these people.

    Like

  156. well if she didn’t, nellie olson should have eaten shit. she was a real piece of work. poor laura!

    Like

    jennifer niles recently posted roasted hearts and overnight focaccia bread.

  157. Sometimes I think about the folks working for Google are having too much fun…

    Like

  158. Just when you think you’re safe in confessing your fdarkest secrets to the internet search field, up goes a hilarious blog post to expose it all.

    Like

  159. I’ve never noticed before, but many of these comments have blog posts linked to them. Do you ever scroll through to see who your readers really are, and can you match the search terms to the blogs?

    Like

  160. 164
    James GreyWolf

    Accidental lesbian just reminded me of a song…. Warren Zevon. Accidentally Like a Martyr. The bridge goes: We made mad love/ shadow love/ random love/ and abandoned love / accidentally like a martyr/ the hurt gets worse and the heart gets harder.

    Like

  161. You really do get the best search terms!

    Like

  162. “Why can’t some cats play cards?” is a mangling of a joke: “What kind of cat shouldn’t you play cards with?” “A cheetah!”

    Like

  163. My mother used the St. Joseph charm to sell one of their houses, and then they couldn’t find it when they left. Our assumption is that the house subsequently changed hands many times. And probably St. Joseph is still miffed at my mother.

    Like

  164. Most recently I got “penisphone how much” as a search term. Some term somewhere keeps bringing perverts back to my “Springtime Farmer Porn” and “Puppy Love is Still Bestiality” posts. Thank you, Internets.

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted Supportive Undergarments.

  165. Moth in the ear is no joke. My friend had that happen (seriously, it was a friend not “a friend”) and she tried drowning it and ended up calling the nurses hotline who said go to the ER where she had to tell tirade who made her repeat herself so the entire waiting room could hear that she had a moth in her ear. (Maybe triage had mothes in their ears too??) Amyhoodle she ended up making a first year resident’s night because she had to use the lighted grabby thing they usually use for children who get things stuck in their nose or ear. My friend got to keep the moth though. And seriously. It was a friend. Not me. I’ve managed to keep my head holes free of bugs, rocks, money, single unit Legos etc. thus far anyways. Who know what will happen tomorrow.

    Like

  166. Cassandra said “I want a blueberry unicorn” and I immediately thought how delicious that sounded.

    I need more muffins on a daily basis.

    Like

  167. Or more therapy.

    On a daily basis.

    Like

  168. ‘How to know I’m not in a coma’ – No spelling errors and correct use of I’m for I am suggests that this person has some sort of brain material in their head. BUT obviously it went wrong somewhere – maybe they had too many of those mushrooms that looked like snowmen. Obviously they look like snowmen to lure you in, make you feel safe – but that evil glint in those black coal eyes tells the terrifying truth.

    Like

  169. ”How do you get them dogs to stop sucking eggs heads and give me a phone number so I can call this person”…I’m paraphrasing maybe, but you know the quote.
    There are just so many questions here….
    I must ask you to reveal the whereabouts of this search. I need a screen name. There is definitely a book, documentary or maybe a movie of the week here (If they still have movie of the week). I’d actually watch Dr. Phil if this person was the subject.

    Like

  170. “I fucked my aunt” and other similar terms are most used for one of my blogs. They’re usually looking for my short story My Beautiful Aunt. It’s a humorous tale of a young Norwegian boy, who has erotic fantasies about his Aunt. And, before you ask, no, he doesn’t.

    Like

    Bryan Hemming recently posted Millions of Britons paralysed by Ebola!.

  171. I think this is the first post of yours I’ve read that made me laugh until I cried. Thank you for this; I needed this today.

    Like

  172. Cats are into smelling eyes. Everyone knows that.

    Like

  173. Bloggess, are you participating in the net slow down on 9/10 to protest pay for bandwidth pushed by the cable companies? I hope so! Please visit this site to be a part of it: https://www.battleforthenet.com/sept10th/

    Like

  174. Moth comments on this blog are the best comments. Amy @166, that story is awesome.

    Thanks for the laughs, everyone, I really needed them.

    Like

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted Trees don’t lie.

  175. “how to know you’re not in a coma”…I just. I don’t even understand how one googles that, lol.

    Like

    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted How to annoy the crap out of young adults.

  176. So this is what it’s like to watch the end of a civilisation…..

    Like

  177. I looked up ” how many hammocks on a train” and ended up not on your website, Jenny, but on one you would love.https://www.facebook.com/URRKNhammocks?hc_location=timeline

    Like

  178. Ok. But what’s the answer to the Nellie Olson question?

    Like

  179. …but what is the butter for?!?

    Like

    Emelie recently posted No. Please tell me this isn’t happening already..

  180. I’m getting traffic to my site every day from the same search term. Literally every day for the past month, that search term is ‘iced gem haircut’. Not that i’m complaining of course all traffic is good traffic, it’s good to know i’m not talking to myself😛

    Like

  181. 185
    kathieschmidt

    A long time ago, I posted a photo one of my cats sitting on the propane fireplace (in the summer). I entitled it “How to cook a cat.” That is the link by which most people come to my blog. Gives me nightmares!

    Like

  182. Nightmares about Sacha Baron Cohen I could see. Maybe even Tim Curry. But Morgan Freeman? That’s simply unbelievable.

    Like

  183. re: the blueberry unicorn, it can’t fly across the milk chocolate river because unicorns don’t have wings. perhaps we could cross a unicorn with a pegasus for a pegacorn.

    Like

  184. People are still trying to find out what happened to Lou Diamond Phillips? Didn’t that appear on the list before?

    And that Nellie Oleson thing — this blog has completely thrown off Google stats, since enquiring minds really do want to know, now that you’ve brought it up.

    Like

  185. “Gandalf, you better be at my door” — not a good idea, unless you never want to leave the house again. Every. Single. Day. you would hear “YOU SHALL NOT PASS”.

    Stop it, Gandalf, I’m just going to get the paper.

    Like

  186. Oh gosh that was so hilarious. Now I really wanna Google some of those and see where I end up :p

    Like

  187. Oh gosh that was so hilarious. Now I really wanna Google some of those and see where it takes me :p

    Like

    Jpaul recently posted Brown Family Problems #2.

  188. I’m scared to go look at the search results that get folks to my page. After reading yours for months now, I’m not sure I’m ever going to want to know. Maybe you could go look mine up for me.

    Like

    WendyKate C. recently posted Another "I Should Have Thought of That" Moment.

  189. You have the most amazing search terms for your blog. Mine are so bland. It kind of makes sense that the unicorn and belly button searches led here.

    Also (Have you even read these other searches? YOU’RE FINE.) should be the theme for all of these posts because they make me feel a lot better about the state of my life.

    Like

    cat recently posted Hot Pink Polish Comparison Post: Essie Sure Shot, Essie Fruit Sangria, Essie Watermelon, Maybelline Pink Shock, Sheswai Babe.

  190. 194
    Stacy ( FloridaVirgo)

    This post made my day.. for REALS!! I can’t stop giggling… ” I just peed on my favorite adult cats”? Hubba what? I do some strange googles my self but really?! Lol Love you Jenny Lawson

    Like

  191. How did a question about Lou Diamond Phillips bring somebody to this blog? I don’t recall you blogging about Lou Diamond Phillips…like, ever.

    For the curious, he currently plays Henry on A&E’s Longmire series. And is still a Hottie McSexypants. And that series now has me fantasizing about middle-aged cowboys. I keep trying to put him AND Robert Taylor on my “hot for an old guy” list, but that’s because I forget how old I’ve become and I have to admit that they’re both “age appropriate and hot”….

    Like

  192. I don’t know about blueberry unicorns, but will a blueberry pegasus do? [img]http://www.berryblue.freeservers.com/images/bluebask.jpg[/img]

    Like

  193. Wow. What did happen to Lou Diamond Phillips? I really wonder.

    He came to Australia to play the King in the King & I. We have him and we’re NOT giving him back!

    Like

  194. I love it when you put these posts together! I sit snickering at the iPad and my husband looks at me like I’m crazy. I’ve tried to read them to him or have him read them but he just doesn’t seem to get it. Practically grounds for divorce!😉

    Like

  195. People are seriously fucked up.

    Like

    Tara recently posted Todays Theme: It's all in how you look at it..

  196. You should be Siri. I’ll get that iPhone😀

    Like

  197. I stumbled onto this blog, I have no idea how, and now I’m hooked after reading this post (well ok maybe like 10 other posts too). Is it weird that this makes me feel better about the weird things I google? Mostly bodily functions of course (everyone does that, right?….right?) Also, now I have successfully spent 30 minutes of work time reading your blog, so thank you for that!

    Like

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