I just found this in my pantry:
I can’t keep a houseplant alive to save my life but I can make my sweet potatoes grow into unwanted plants with literally no effort at all. I can only imagine this means I have some sort of super power which allows me to drain the life of fern and transfer it’s leaves onto a yam.
This is a terrible superpower.
Unless yam plants are a good thing. Are they? Could I just put a yam-growth in a vase and use that as my new houseplant? If they’re so hardy why don’t we grow them instead of the more easily murderable plants? I’m pretty sure the only difference between a yam-growth and a lily is that one has a better name. I just need to find a better name and then I can sell my accidental yam-growths and live off the proceeds. Something like “YaMandrake” or “Potato-Pansy”. Maybe if I keep letting it grow it’ll get really enormous and then I can create a portable yam hedge that you can bring with you to use when you’re stalking someone in the desert. BYOB. (Bring Your Own Bush.)
I just tried to look up “Can I keep a sprouted potato” but after I typed in “Can I keep a” google auto-suggested “Can I keep a wild rabbit, a gun in a car, a wild turtle or a fox as a pet“.
WTF, google. I just want to keep a potato.
Then when I added the “s” for “sprouted” google was like “OH, I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!” and suggested “Can I keep a shotgun in my car” or “Can I keep a squirrel as a pet“. Jesus, Google. I know I live in Texas but way to stereotype me.
When I got to “Can I keep a spr” google auto-changed the whole question to “Can you have a spray tan when pregnant?” I don’t know, Google. I guess? Why are you asking me? YOU ARE GOOGLE.
Eventually I typed in the whole question but all the links told me how to keep my potatoes from sprouting, rather than how to grow my sprouted potatoes into a giant bush. I considered googling “How to grow a giant bush from a potato” but I was afraid of what the auto-suggestion would be after I typed in the first part of that search, and so I decided to just give up and wait to see what happens with my potato. It’s like a science experiment, but in laziness.
Also, I glued some googly eyes on the potato so it looks more life-like, and will be less likely to be thrown away by Victor if the potato can stare at him accusingly. I was going to call him Mr. Potato Head but that seemed too obvious so instead his name is Samuel Ignacious.
I’ll keep you posted on my big bush.
PS. Victor just found Sam and he claims that what I’m doing is a very common children’s science experiment and he was like “Seriously? You never grew a potato plant when you were a kid?” He says I’m supposed to cut the potato and add water and put toothpicks in it, but that sounds suspiciously like a recipe and I think he’s just trying to trick me into accidentally cooking. He insists that every child made potatoes sprout into plants and I was like, “Not us. We were poor. Some of us had to eat our potatoes, Victor. We couldn’t all go around wasting toothpicks and putting googly eyes on our pet potatoes, Daddy Warbucks.” Then Victor countered that googly eyes aren’t supposed to be part of the science project but I’m pretty sure that just proves that he’s doing science wrong.