Well, they’ll never have to restock at least.

Picture I took outside my grocery store:

Inflation is a bitch.

Inflation is really getting out of hand.

On my way out I showed the cashier the picture and asked if the price was really “zero bundles of wood for $3.95” and she told me that she wasn’t sure how much wood was but that they’d honor whatever the price was on the sign.  I asked how much it would cost if I bought a dozen bundles and she stared at her register keys for a minute and then said “Oh.  Wait.  I think I need a manager.”  And that would be good because if I’m reading it right the sign basically says, “We have wood and you can’t have any.  Just look at all this wood you can’t have.”  You’re not going to win any customers with that sort of braggadocious hoarding.

PS.  I was going to title this “Got wood?  No. Because it’s priceless, apparently” but then I thought I’d get a lot of viagra spam.

PPS.  Spellcheck is trying to tell me that “braggadocious” is not a word so I tried “bragalicious” and they don’t like that one either.  At least one of those is a real word, spellcheck.  Stop being an asshole.

105 replies. read them below or add one

  1. “Got Wood” would have been perfect. I imagine you get all kinds of weird spam already, no?

    (YOU HAVE NO IDEA. ~ Jenny)

    Like

    Ann St. Vincent recently posted 18 Years Between Kisses | Part 3.

  2. They obviously expect you to trade sheep for it.

    Like

  3. “We have wood and you can’t have any. Just look at all this wood you can’t have.”

    You know, my inner conspiracy theorist thinks that they did that on purpose to try to be more “exclusive” and transition themselves to a “luxury” chain that gets off on shoving “you can’t have this” in people’s faces.

    Like

    athenarcarson9 recently posted Deadlines never bothered me anyway: a crowdsourcing request.

  4. I think they need to charge every customer $3.95. After all, you took zero wood, and there is a price for that.

    Like

    notquiteold recently posted Dad, The Annoying.

  5. How much wood would a woodchuck buy if a woodchuck could buy wood? At least the cashier tried to apply customer service skills by assuring you they would honor the sign, hence allowing you to pay them $3.95 for…nothing. No wood for you!

    Like

    fillyourownglass recently posted Please Accept This (Nonexistent) Apology.

  6. “Now it’s time for a little bit of braggadocio,
    While I swing my arms like Ralph Maccio…”
    – MC Frontalont

    Like

  7. Exactly! I think that every customer who doesn’t take a bundle or three should be charged $3.95.

    Like

  8. Hahahaha!!!

    Like

  9. braggadocious:

    Adjective: boastful.

    Suck it, spell check.

    Like

  10. It does seem like the sign is implying there’s a $3.95 penalty for NOT taking any wood. It is significantly less clear what the charge is FOR buying wood… is $3.95 for no wood a bargain?

    Like

  11. Anything you can use in a sentence is a word. Have we learned nothing from George Bush? (Either one.)

    Like

  12. So if you take the wood you don’t have to buy anything but if you don’t take wood it costs you $3.95?

    Makes perfect sense.

    Like

    Aria Bauer recently posted Thanks For: Mothers Who Passive-Aggressively Drag Daughters to Yoga.

  13. That is the kind of math I’d be doing if I were a checker. That’s why I write. So much less math.

    PS I’ve been trying to think of a goal for the day, and I think I’m going to use the word “braggadocious” at least ten times. Maybe if we all did, it’d end up in the lexicon and spellcheck would have to concede. That’s how these things happen.

    Like

    Manicmom recently posted Want to see something REALLY scary?.

  14. The price of wood is clearly 1 for 3.96. Clearly.

    Like

  15. Wonder what the return policy is? I bet we could negate all of existence with this.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted National Grouch Day.

  16. Braggadocious is my new favourite word. Thank you Jenny.

    Like

    NancyTex recently posted wordless wednesday: the bridge.

  17. I make it a point to never pay for wood of any kind. Because I’m just not that kind of girl.

    Like

  18. The ilerminaty would be all over those vaguely triangle-shaped cleaves of wood!

    http://www.reddit.com/r/ilerminaty

    Like

  19. What wood? There’s zero wood for $3.95.

    Like

  20. IT’s so sad that it took her a few mins to figure out that she needed a manager. And I’m just glad your autocorrect didn’t make it “Bradgalina”

    Like

  21. So basically all of us owe $3.95 because we all saw the sign and then took zero pieces of wood, and zero pieces are $3.95? THIS IS WHY WE’RE IN A RECESSION.

    Like

  22. I get a lot of join the Sister Wives dating site spam mail. Don’t know why. Sometimes I like to title my posts with something naughty just to fuck with the perverts of the world. I’m learning that there are a lot of people looking for farmer porn and bestiality with puppies. Poor puppies.

    (I get TONS of black magic spam. Like, witchdoctors and spell-casters and such. I didn’t even know that was a big market. ~ Jenny)

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted Where No One Can Hear You “Screme”.

  23. Multiplying and dividing aren’t necessarily individual employees’ strong points, much less when done by zero.

    Like

  24. Sigh. I remember when zero wood only cost 55 cents. How is a family supposed to not stock their home with wood when it’s so expensive? You’re forced to stock wood just to feed yourself these days.

    Like

    notesfromthebathroomfloor recently posted 50 Ways to Give the Finger: #8 – The Showcase Finger.

  25. Braggadocious reminds me of Mary Poppins. Spellcheck has not been updated in a few decades, obviously.

    Like

  26. Not only can you not have any wood, but you have to pay for the privilege of not having it. That is exclusivity at its finest, son.

    Also, I once saw a sign that said “$3.99 each or 2 for $8.” I think maybe some stores just don’t understand how deals are supposed to work.

    Like

  27. Speaking of wrong prices, our local Lucky’s Market keeps over-pricing the Korbel champagne. Which is my favorite. The real price is $13.99 but the “sale price” is $16.99 Which makes me think someone doesn’t want me drinking Korbel champagne. And apparently someone doesn’t want you to enjoy a cozy wood-burning fire. Why are people such bastards?

    Like

    Gina W. recently posted The time I almost got a prostate exam* (slight exaggeration for comic effect)..

  28. It’s all too meta for me. And spell check is just arrogant. A word can’t possibly exist if they haven’t heard of it. Snobtastic.

    Like

  29. If I interpret this the same way I do my daughter’s homework, this clearly means $0 for 395 bundles of wood…which seems reasonable.

    Like

    The Dusty Parachute recently posted Care Instructions for a 1 Year Old (Interpreted by the Grandparents).

  30. Sadly, being indefinitely single, I get “zero wood” every day. I guess being charged for that is not out of the realm of the possible.
    But then it’s kind of like taxation without representation.

    Like

  31. braggadocious is so a word.

    Maybe the wood was cut from trees watered by Unicorn tears. That would explain the great expense…

    Like

    Cassandra recently posted Throwdown Thursday: Should I Stay or Should I Go?.

  32. So, would that be “assholicious” or “assholidocious”? Just checking. 😉

    Like

  33. Stick to your guns on braggaodocious. Someone once asked me what the adjective form of “rubric” was. “Rubricious,” I replied, though I didn’t know the real answer of even if there is one. A quick reply in a confident voice will get you through a lot of situations. My husband and I came up with “bogosity” because we thought “bogusness” couldn’t be right, even though the spell checker approved.

    Like

    Janet Coburn recently posted Dear Folks: Sorry I Haven’t Written Lately.

  34. I’m reading it that its like a wood museum, look at this wood… Now you owe us 3.95 for noticing this wood, oh you wanted some? Nope, you owe us 3.95 for asking such a forward question. All queries regarding our alleged possession of this flammable substance will be met with our demands for propper payment, for wasting our time. Oh you see the sign, that will be 3.95.

    Like

  35. Just because the sign is in front of the wood doesn’t necessarily mean it applies solely to the wood. After all, the sign does say “Low Prices”, plural. They could be charging that $3.95 for any and all kinds of stuff they don’t provide to their customers.

    “Other stores charge you upwards of five dollars for nothing! But not us. We’ll meet your nothing needs for the low, low price of $3.95.”

    Like

    Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted Convos with Cleverbot: Christmas Came Early This Year.

  36. “I go Zero Wood”. No that’s not mean that it is part of taxation. Now you are in the inflation world and you never say it $3.95 is too much.

    Like

  37. LOL, Bloggess, you are so funny! Thanks for making me laugh out loud this morning.

    Like

  38. Smart choice on the headline. You would have gotten more than just V spam, I think. Victor would have had to defend your honor all week:).

    Like

    candidkay recently posted The universe has no use for your logic.

  39. I think you should offer to create a new spell checker for Microsoft. I think this could be very lucrative for you.

    Like

    itzybellababy recently posted #BringBackOurGirls and My Email From the President.

  40. You just asked the cashier to mess with her, didn’t you? (That’s why I love you.)

    Like

    Foxy Wine Pocket recently posted It Totally Counts.

  41. I’m not paying $3.95 for no wood. I wouldn’t even pay $3.95 for some wood. Basically, what I’m saying is, I don’t have 3 dollars.

    Like

    Steph recently posted Search Term Tuesday.

  42. 42
    Alice Fraggle

    Enrique Gomez – I thought the same thing!

    Like

  43. 43
    Alice Fraggle

    Also Janet Coburn – The Car Talk Guys use bogosity all the time.🙂

    Like

  44. 44
    Confused English gal

    Ummm. Don’t you live in Texas? And isn’t it hot it Texas? I don’t get why any shop sells wood when it’s hot. Unless it’s for a huge bbq. Or you are planning to celebrate your local equivalent of Guy Fawkes night (a British tradition of kids throwing models of people that they have made onto a bonfire)?

    Like

  45. What a bargain! Next time you’re passing, could you ask if it’s possible to buy online and ship to Spain?

    Like

    Bryan Hemming recently posted The Very First Rock Festival in the World.

  46. First, you need a new spell checker. Now that that is out of the way, this sign is worse than you think because there is a singularity. If you have to pay $3.95 for taking no wood, how much would you have to pay for not taking 10 times as much, $39.50 plus tax? (Is there a sales tax if no item is exchanged?) So, since no wood is the same amount as 10 times no wood (plus tax), and so on, – well if you don’t see the problem by now ….

    Like

  47. This is a classic divide by zero error and the Universe will self destruct shortly. (The best explanation of why dividing by zero is a problem I’ve ever heard was: How many times can you reach into a cookie jar and pull out zero cookies?)

    Like

  48. Here is a thought, the 0$395 means that the price is in hexadecimal which would be 917 or 9.17 dollars. They are just trying to make it look cheaper, like the gas stations with their $3.52 and 99/100 instead of $3.53! Bargain!

    Like

  49. In light of the current wood situation, I’m just going to burn cash.

    Like

  50. 50
    Lisa Columbia Snyder

    I have suck-at-math-ESPECIALLY-decimals P.T.S.D. because my middle school math teacher was all bragadocious about their placement and how many to use, blah, blah. The 0$395 error is a clinical example of decimal P.T.S.D. (and maybe an extra zero). Anyway, I think $0.395 is correct, but confusing. My point: get yourself some wood for under $4.00 before the prices go up.

    Like

  51. 3 pieces of wood! 2! 2 pieces of wood! 1 piece of wood! ZERO PIECES OF WOOD ah ah ah

    You know why they call me The Count? Because I don’t know how to math!

    (Hey, how do I send a whimsical anecdote to The Bloggess? I’m reluctant to post it here, but RL people may be watching! o_o)

    Like

  52. Great. You’re going along, being a good human, having a good time and the …

    The Wood Nazi.

    NO WOOD FOR YOU!

    Like

  53. Good for you and your sharp eyes.

    Like

    Laurie recently posted A Visit with My Texan Mother-in-Law.

  54. I’m actually pretty used to this concept. It seems that most days I get nothing, yet my bank account keeps shitting money.

    Like

  55. Maybe its like infomercials where they list a bunch of prices, then say you aren’t paying any of those, but the grocery store ran out of signs to clarify. “You aren’t paying $3.95 for this wood! You aren’t paying $3.50! We won’t even give you this wood for $3.25! You only have to pay the low low price of $3.15!”

    Like

  56. Reblogged this on Making It Up As I Go Along – Trying To Think It Through and commented:
    Nothin’ from nothin’ gets you nothin’.

    Like

  57. Well reading through the comments just made me jealous because I don’t get ANY cool spam. Just your everyday mail order brides and penile enhancements. Never ONCE have I been offered Sister Wives spam. WTF. #braggadocious

    Like

  58. Nothin’ from nothin’ gets you nothin’.

    Like

  59. Well that just doesn’t seem fair. I don’t want to take any of the wood home. I bet they’ll lose customers over this fee.

    Like

    kdcol recently posted I am sofa king.

  60. hmm. maybe the environmentalists were staging a coup……

    Like

    Mary-Anne recently posted Look what I have!.

  61. So if you steal the wood, and then get caught, does your restitution involve the store giving you money? I may have just found my retirement income!

    Like

  62. Want wood? No? Ok, that will be $3.95. Does the government run this store?

    Like

  63. I’ve worked as a corporate level pricing & promotional signage coordinator. I worked with the business that dictates reg & sale price at corporate, IT, and the stores that have to execute the pricing & promotions. Based on what I’ve seen, It is fairly impressive that anything is marked properly, that any sale gets executed accurately in a timely fashion, and that there is even product at the shelf for there to be a sale. The systems that drive these details down to stores are really involved and still evolving to handle the complex nature of the information, and then they hang on the final step of actually being executed at the store by a person. Obviously as a customer you don’t care, nor should you. Prices should just be right at the store! Needless to say my work in that position prompted a nerdgasmic quest to prove that can actually be done right. :p

    Like

  64. I love it when you talk back to Spellcheck.

    Like

    Kathleen recently posted Whistling Mailman.

  65. Well…you could try to return the 0 wood you purchased for a $3.95 refund, right?

    Like

    Quirky Chrissy recently posted ‘Twas the Night Before We Bought Our House….

  66. Totally kind of related to this post. I googled “when you are lost look at your light” today and I got an image of female genitals……
    Hmmmm I say. Hmmmm……

    Like

  67. 67
    cassandra rowe

    Maybe it’s haunted or cursed wood and they want rid of it. Like, it’s free if u just fucking take it but if u don’t want to help them get rid of the wood you have to pay a surcharge. Maybe it’s a good idea. Maybe the wood has the spirit of an old phone workboard operator and constantly gets up and answers the phone for u and the store was getting sick of having customers complain cuz when they’d call the wood would be all, “hi? Yes this is wood, Fuck you go to Wal-Mart.” and they were losing business. I’d love for my mother in law to call and have the wood say that to her. Would make my day.

    Just sayin’.

    Like

  68. 68
    BuckeyePatty

    Seem to me they’re trying to sell the “0” sign for $3.95.

    Like

  69. Sounds like the sort of math that my kids try and pull. Or the Canadian government.

    Like

    The Imp recently posted Terror Toddler Throw Down.

  70. What!? You no buy no wood?
    That’s ok… I charge you $3.95 anyway.

    Like

  71. I think my spell check is a Puritan always ” fixing” my curse words. I dont need your judgement spell check.

    Like

  72. nothing to do with the wood but stuff you need to see..http://www.startribune.com/local/east/279325202.html

    http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/279318712.html
    zombie santas and taxidermy

    Like

  73. I guess this answers the question, How much wood could a woodchuck chuck…?

    Like

    Sandy the Fearless Scribe recently posted If it's Friday, this must be pizza.

  74. It’s artsy farsty hipster wood for Burning Man. Very exclusive. We’re too plebian for that wood.
    High five for Heather at comment #30.

    Like

  75. I never pay for my wood. Unless I’m in Prague, and then it always comes with a fair amount of buyer’s remorse. And itching.

    Like

    tanktronic recently posted The Fault in Our SARS (and other communicable diseases).

  76. This is wildly unrelated to the wood, although, maybe not really, but a while ago you had an advertisement for taxidermy workshops by someone who travelled around giving them, and despite my best efforts to save the link/name/something, I’ve lost it. I think such a workshop would justify my dead bird collection. Can it please reappear?

    Like

  77. I though Braggadocious was a town in Texas?

    Like

  78. Heather at #30 would totally win Comment of the Day, IF you still had it. (grumblegrumble)
    Two snaps up, Heather!

    Like

  79. “Braggadocious” just FEELS right. I’d call Webster’s.

    Like

  80. 80
    Susan Thomason

    Can’t get nothing for nothing anymore💲💰💵

    Like

  81. Maybe it means that for zero dollars you get 395 pieces of wood.

    Like

    Diane Holcomb recently posted From Zero to Sixty: Facing the Blank Page.

  82. Is braggadocious a cousin of expealidocious? It should be, at the very least because I’ll have that earworm with me for the next few days.

    Like

    ponymartini recently posted Dreaming of Becoming a Dog.

  83. Bragalicious! I love it! We should have a Bloggess Dictionary. I would totally buy that.

    Like

    janice recently posted Bruises or How I Workout Really Hard (Not).

  84. This is clearly a new and deeply disturbing form of capitalism!😉

    Like

    averyhanaden recently posted Isaac Asimov, Part II.

  85. We’ll honor whatever the sign says… hahaha, seriously? Yeah, so they’re going to do exactly what you said, charge you for wood that they will then hold just out of reach, all the while saying, “ah ah ahhh, you can’t have this” I love the way you write and I’m totally stealing braggadocious. Squiggly line be damned.

    Like

  86. I’m pretty sure that meant if you didn’t get wood you had to pay $3.95. Someone was obviously not wanting to restock.

    Like

    Stephanie@themadchatters.com recently posted Fruit bats taste nasty I’m sure..

  87. Move along. This is not the wood you are looking for.

    Like

  88. lol, this brings back memories from when I used to work at Wal-Mart.

    Like

  89. They wrap their wood in plastic????
    Oh world.
    Thank goodness at least there is you, Jenny, to point out ludicrous signage.

    Like

  90. That reminds me of a night last week when I was pretending to be an old lady and went to play Bingo and one of the games was “$1 per sheet or 2 sheets for $3.” Even when I pointed this out to the runner, he couldn’t see the flaw, so I paid for one sheet and when he came back, I got one more. HA! TAKE THAT, BINGO PARLOR! #InYourBingoBalls

    Like

  91. Perhaps it is not wood for sale at all. Maybe it is a labor of love by a local artist and t 3.95 is the charge to view this magnificent sculpture of modern art. The grocery is peddling culture and refinement by allowing us to witness this work of genius. Good for them!

    Like

    behind a plastic smile recently posted Did you hear that?.

  92. True story…every six months or so, I get an offer for two years of “Wood” magazine for free. See…women never have to pay for wood…they give that shit away.

    Like

    MeglyMc recently posted Kids, I Only Buy You Halloween Costumes So I Can Steal Your Candy..

  93. I am both repelled and amused by the spam I get. Although, most of my spammers agree that my writing is ‘fastidious’. I’m thinking about embroidering that on something.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Every Mom Versus Pee Cow.

  94. Oh, MATH. lol I work at a store and I ended up in a very Twilight Zone-type conversation with a lady during back to school while trying to explain that our 3-for-$1 notebook sale didn’t apply to her ONE 3 SUBJECT notebook.

    Like

  95. k#72 Great articles except for them claiming that taxidermy art started in minnesota when there was a guy in Victorian England dressing up kittens and bunnies in costumes… Popular in Minnesota no doubt — but alas the Europeans probably got there first.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walter_Potter

    Like

  96. How many cashiers does it take to label up wood bundles?

    hmmmm.

    Like

  97. And who buys wood in Texas? And $4 for 4 sticks? That is crazy. Was it from China?

    Like

  98. That’s what I call a woodie.

    Like

    Holly recently posted Fandamonium: Is it good for us?.

  99. You had one job.

    Like

  100. Wait, you asked a cashier to do math in her head? Did her head explode?

    Like

  101. Reminds me of my favorite coffee shop, which has a sign advising customers that they’ll be charged $2.00 for being an asshole on a cellphone while at the register.

    Like

  102. You missed a trick not swapping the zero and the three around.

    3 woods for $0.95? Bargain.

    (I know I’m missing the point somewhat)

    Like

  103. You know, you can make spell check your bitch by adding the words it doesn’t like. then it HAS to accept them.

    Like

  104. As the beneficiary of an institutional subscription to the Oxford English Dictionary, I can tell you “braggadocious” has been in continuous (if perhaps rare) use since 1853. Use it with pride.

    Like

  105. So what you’re saying, Jenny… is you’ve got no wood?

    Like

    The Hook recently posted Saturday Morning Shenanigans With The Hook..

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