Last night I got drunk and showed my extra fancy vagina on a live webcast and it was very tasteful and probably safe-for-work.

Last night I got drunk and showed my extra fancy vagina on a live webcast, but it was very tasteful and probably safe-for-work.  Also educational.  Maybe.

Long story short, I got asked to substitute for Veronica Belmont who couldn’t make it to this month’s Vaginal Fantasy Book Club (a monthly live-streamed web series where Veronica, Felicia Day, Bonnie Burton and Kiala Kazebee discuss and dissect smut while getting progressively drunker each minute) and I was super excited because I got to hang out with some of the most amazing women ever while never having to leave my house.

Minutes before the show I announced on twitter that I may have taken the “Vaginal Fantasy” too literally because my costume included my extra fancy vagina and suddenly Veronica was like “I’M HERE. I CAN MAKE IT AFTER ALL” and I’m not sure if that’s because she wanted to protect the world from my vagina, or just wanted to see it herself but it either way, it all worked out.

If you’re bored you should plug in your headphones and watch during lunch because it’s like hanging out with friends you don’t even have to talk to.  It’s also funnier if you’re drunk, so take a drink whenever we do.

Related:  People asked to see the whole outfit.  It’s inspired by Miss Kitty and it’s super twirly.  The vagina fascinator is a wondrous vulva puppet I stapled onto a headband.

miss kitty

Unrelated: We are still working on the Commandments of our new religion so you need to add them here so we can make an official scroll or something.  Also, “Commandments” sounds bossy so we need to rethink phraseology too.  Maybe “Suggestions to keep the world from being an asshole” or “Hints from Heloise”?  I think that last one may already be taken.

Also, someone asked if it was sacrilegious to start a new organized religion and no, it’s not, because this is the opposite of organized religion.  If anything, it’s disorganized religion, and it works as a tasty condiment to whatever you already are now.  It’s like the ketchup of religions.

PS.  Someone is going to say that I should have said that The Church of Bloggessianism is the gravy of religions since one of our basic tenets is “More gravy for everyone”, but gravy is not a condiment.  Gravy is a way of life.  Stop underestimating gravy.

 

107 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Every girl needs an extra-fancy vagina. Thanks for the head’s up!

    Like

    Burns the Fire recently posted My Uncle was Gay and I Want to Tell the World.

  2. How about “precepts” instead of “commandments”? I have a few here –

    • Thou shalt not drink bad red wine or knowingly give anyone bad red wine to drink. Only good read wine is allowed.
    • Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord as a club, for the Lord is not a weapon to be wielded alongside a mace.(*)

    I could keep going but I have to get back to work …. ew.

    (*) I imagine this one doesn’t fit, but I thought it was funny, so there you are.

    Like

    athenarcarson9 recently posted An Open Letter to Kayla Sue regarding her Open Letter about Open Letters.

  3. I like “Suggestions to keep the world from being an asshole.” Because unfortunately, we live in a world full of bleached assholes. This sounds like it could make me sane! I will definitely have to check this out!

    Like

    Jess Reyna recently posted Not That Kind Of Girl: Thoughts On Lena Dunham's Book.

  4. Instead of commandments, how about “Ways to not be a dick” in honor of Will Wheaton?

    (I’m liking. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  5. Your writing makes me happy.

    Like

  6. I love that Hedy Lamarr made her ‘real live girl’ debut behind you. If only you had been holding a water buffal-ox and drinking gravy? But you have to save something for next time.

    Like

    Kristine @ MumRevised recently posted To Make You Feel Good About Your Parenting Part II aka DodgeBall, the study..

  7. Gravy – the new holy water. Where is the baptism sign-up sheet?

    Like

  8. Holy shit..that’s amazing. It would be fun to wear that…excuse me..excuse me, ma’am..you appear to have a vagina on your head.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Bitching With The Sisterwives.

  9. 9
    SqualorHouseGail

    I really do need new glasses!! I saw the picture on Twitter of your extra-fancy vulva/fascinator and I figured I just couldn’t see the vulva in the picture. Talk about missing the forest for the bush, LOL.

    Like

  10. I am at work reading your post and watching the “Vaginal Fantasy” video clip. Then I realized, “Holy crap. I’m at work watching a video clip entitled ‘Vaginal Fantasy’ “. Maybe I should have waited until I got home. I really didn’t want to wait though. Will you talk to my boss if I get fired? Thank in advance.

    (I will ABSOLUTELY talk to your boss if necessary. Humor in the workplace increases workflow, efficiency and lowers turnover. If anything you need a raise for watching this. ~ Jenny)

    Like

    Gina W. recently posted Bow-Chicka-Bow-Bow (Alternate title: "Groundhog Lovin").

  11. Totally having a hard time concentrating with that vagina staring at me from your skull.

    Like

    terib19 recently posted I used to know where my stuff was.....

  12. Thou shalt not eat cake with utensils; fingers or direct mouth to cake contact only.

    Like

  13. That dress? Totally adorbs. And sign me up for this religion. I might actually attend such services.

    Like

    Kelly @ Cibatarian recently posted The 2014 Texas Renaissance Festival Season Has Begun! Huzzah!.

  14. Yes, “Commandments” sound a little harsh. How about “amenities?”

    Like

    notquiteold recently posted Guilty Pleasures.

  15. This crossover – Bloggess + Vaginal Fantasy hangout – is making my brainstem misfire. The circuitry is all haywire in my brain now.
    Thanks.

    Like

  16. 16
    Lyndsay Chansley

    Gravy baptisms for everyone!!
    Commandments = Bloggesianisms

    Like

  17. Just when I thought the idea of a fascinator couldn’t get more literal🙂

    Like

    Charlotte recently posted Fitness and Food Haikus.

  18. I can not WAIT to get out of work so I can watch that podcast. Now I have to go see what important suggestments you’re missing

    Like

    Cassandra recently posted What’s Scarier than a Sexy Ebola Nurse Costume? Crossover Day!.

  19. Thank you, so much, for giving me permission to drink during my lunch hour. I would have anyway, but this is just another point of reference.

    Like

    Manicmom recently posted Losing all my marbles first thing.

  20. Jenny, I refuse to assist with the Commandments until you look at the email I sent you a couple of weeks ago which contains a video from HuffPost about some sort of Kraken creature that was fished out of the ocean and makes for the perfect Halloween blog posting.

    That is all.

    (Is it the elbow kraken video? Because I posted that last year, I think. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  21. Thanks to Anonymous, I like Dickless Commandments. But that still sounds a bit bossy. Maybe Dickless Directions? And I don’t know how to fit a Spatula in there but dammit I’m trying.

    Like

    Brian recently posted Overall.

  22. extra fancy vaginas? now mine feels so common… le sigh

    Like

    Lauren recently posted Album Review: Taylor Swift 1989.

  23. Vulva puppets for everyone! (That goes along with the meat sprinkles suggestion from earlier this week.)

    Like

    Foxy Wine Pocket recently posted Twisted Humor Runs in the Family.

  24. Love love love the fascinator. The queen would be proud!!

    Like

    Stephanie@themadchatters.com recently posted Holiday Masochist.

  25. anyone who thinks gravy is a condiment should be set straight and made to eat a really good chicken fried steak. Come on people…you can’t sop up a condiment with a piece of Texas toast.

    Like

  26. Going to Catholic school, we never had sex ed so I’m very confused by your hat right now. Does it really look like that? It’s like an Italian hoagie without the lettuce and onions.

    Like

    Alanna recently posted You Can’t Put A Price On Friendship, But Patriotism Is Expensive..

  27. Anyone with a unicorn automatically becomes a saint.

    Like

  28. Gravy as a way of life should probably be the tagline for our religion. It’s got a ring to it:).

    Like

    candidkay recently posted Learning to love my fellow man: an experiment at the amusement park.

  29. I am so on board with a disorganized religion. I could go to a meeting (or not) in jammies.

    Like

  30. Religions need to be updated and refreshed as do condiments!! Well done sister Bloggess

    Like

    toniworld.com recently posted Today Is National Greasy Food Day.

  31. OMG, girl. Your vagina looks like a bacon yarmulke.

    Like

    notesfromthebathroomfloor recently posted Flashback: It’s 1984, and I’m a Bag of Trash.

  32. WAIT OKAY this post is perfect because it totally demands I tell you about this morning’s vagina experience. I am a gynecological teaching associate (GTA), which means I use my body as a model to teach medical, nursing, etc., students to do breast and pelvic exams. I also pretty recently started a business to provide GTAs to all the universities and hospitals in my area. Being a GTA comes with all sorts of unusual experiences and problems, like constantly dropping speculums everywhere I go.

    Anyway, a GTA who works for me and with whom I’m friendly emailed this morning because she used a disposable menstrual cup yesterday for the first time and left it in during sex (which it claims is fine), and it got stuck. She seriously could not get it out, and this is a woman who knows her body. So at lunchtime I went and met her in an empty exam room in one of the universities we work at to launch a rescue mission into her vagina.

    It was not easy. There was laughter, there was blood, there was a moment of debate about finding tweezers and/or tongs… but I eventually got it out, and freed her vagina from tyranny.

    I’m so happy there was a vagina conversation happening here that made this story somewhat relevant, because it deserves to be shared.

    (“…but I eventually got it out, and freed her vagina from tyranny.” This is why I love you. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  33. Just a suggestion(s). This is what my mother used to say when she didn’t want to meddle in my life or marriage but really did but didn’t want it to sound like she did.

    Like

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  34. P.S. We could have ketchup AND gravy and then it would be like a meatloaf religion, which I think we can all agree on, especially if it comes with mashed potatoes.

    Like

    Janet Coburn recently posted How I Became an Amazon Martian. Martian Amazon. Whatev..

  35. Dick Prevention Strategies, or does that sound to “Office Synergy”ish?
    As for a Dick Prevention Strategy:
    We shall not (since this is a community sourced religion I think the “thou shall not” is too aloof and bossy) ignore opportunities to remind each other how awesome we are.

    Like

  36. I can’t stop laughing at this. You have really funny commenters too. Could you do a conference? Nothing that will teach us anything, of course – just a way to bring together all the double unicorn stabby collating taxidermied fabulousness of your tribe. Texas, preferably, but I’m not sure if most of Texas “gets it.” (Why are we here, again?) Anyway, I think your next book launch needs to be really a club meeting. Or a church service. I’d like to be an Official Rooster Carrier or Unicorn Diviner, if I may.

    Like

    Andi recently posted Are you waiting on permission? A Blog Redesign story..

  37. We only need one commandment: Don’t be a dick.
    It’s short, sweet, concise, and to the point.

    The unwritten half of this commandment is that anyone who IS a dick gets beaten by an angry mob wielding large rubber-latex adult toys.

    Like

    Lynette recently posted Fight or Flight.

  38. 38
    Beam me up FFS Scottie, they are all mad down here.

    Thou shalt definately NOT piss people about.
    All the other religions seem to positively encourage this activity, I think they may have missed a trick (and possibly the point too).

    Like

  39. I believe “Hints from Heloise” are now called “Lifehacks”, which sounds a lot edgier and goes great with jazzhands.

    Like

  40. Seriously, I am officially listing Bloggessianism as my religion on facebook. And when people ask me, I’ll say, “Have you ever tasted ketchup? It’s like that.” I may also say that it’s like ranch on spaghetti and make a reference to the flying spaghetti monster. And they’ll say, “WTF? This makes no sense?”

    EXACTLY.

    Like

  41. I SO wish your comments section had “like” buttons. No “dislike” or “down thumbs” or whatever because we all love each other [we’re not being dicks], but just that little extra affirmation when we want to give it. More than half of the above comments would get “liked” by me, and lemme tell ya, THAT MEANS SOMETHING.

    (I want that too. I don’t know how to make it happen though. I just put a star by my favorites with a sharpie. It’s not a good solution. My monitor looks terrible.~ Jenny)

    Like

  42. This is why you get weird searches finding your blog! I am going to plug in the earbuds and have lunch (and maybe supper) with you guys.

    Like

    Mary-Anne recently posted If wishes were horses then beggars would ride.

  43. If I had my own religion, my Commandments would be called Gentle Reproaches and the penalty for disobedience would be sass.

    Well, more sass than usual. Which is already a lot of sass.

    Like

    Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted Edgar Allan Poe’s Ebola..

  44. The other girls seem nice, but adding you to the mix was like bringing Lebron James to your pick-up basketball game. It sounds like a good idea, until you realize the rest of you then look horribly inadequate.

    Like

    tanktronic recently posted Eye Candy #36.

  45. This made my day. Vagina fascinators exist. That is wonderful. Can we have merkins for them too? Maybe just on high holy days you must cover your vagina fascinator with a merkin. You must also be high, or was that implied?

    Like

  46. My friend corey and I have come up with another thing that we have in our life it is called picklejarism which is a basic belief in the weird randomness of life. So I really liked the condiment idea because I already have oneish if pickles are a condiment?!?

    Like

  47. I think your church will go nicely with the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster — pasta with gravy. It’s all good.
    Mind if I stick with the colander hat? I think my state’s DMV might have problems with your fascinator in driver’s license photos.

    Like

  48. I’m afraid there is a serious lack of bacon in these commandments. Thou shall not leave out the bacon.

    Like

    The Hungry Dog's Lair (Martin Conterez) recently posted Days Past.

  49. Sounds a lot more fun than Book Club…

    Like

    susielindau recently posted Happy Haunted Blog Party.

  50. 50
    happyhourmary

    there’s even low-carb gravy as gravy is necessary to life

    Like

  51. 51
    Doug in Oakland

    Perhaps an alliance could be made with Emily Yates and her Global Try Not To Be a Dick movement.

    Like

  52. Vagina Fascinator – there are no words for the delight you have given to me today. My first thought was “I’d like to see that v-fascinator with a pair of fake vampire teeth on it for Freud’s sake. And just by typing this I’m looking forward to my future Amazon recommendations.
    As for an alternatives for Commandments, I like Gentle Reproaches.
    And: ” If anything, it’s disorganized religion, and it works as a tasty condiment to whatever you already are now. It’s like the ketchup of religions.” Is why The Bloggess and now Bloggessianism and the tribe of followers/ commenters are my people.
    I kind of wish we could by that town in New England.

    Like

  53. 53
    RogueHamster

    The friendly suggestions and gentle reproaches of non-dickery! (Just one question: is there going to be chocolate?)

    Like

  54. I’ve been telling people you are my new church for a long time. Leaving the religion I grew up with was painful and wonderful, and I really relied on your blogs for inspiration, humour, and a sense of community. Thanks, Priestess Spatula!

    Like

  55. Hey JESUS started a new religion and so did L. Ron Hubbard and you are way cooler than both of them.

    Like

  56. I don’t know what an elbow kraken is. But here is the thing I saw on Huff Post.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/18/alien-sea-creature-basket-star-singapore_n_6005084.html

    And even though I’m still mad at you, Jenny, I thought this article was in keeping with the theme of the day.

    http://fancydresscostumes.co.uk/the-big-pink-vagina.html

    (I ate something just like that when I was in Japan. Victor swore it wasn’t alive but it was moving like mad. The sea creature, I mean. Not the vagina dress.~ Jenny)

    Like

  57. I have been telling people for years that you are my new religion🙂 Leaving the religion I grew up in was painful and wonderful and through the hardest times I really relied on your blog for inspiration, community and a well-needed laugh. Thank you, Oh Great Priestess Spatula!

    Like

    prairienymph recently posted Vagina Dialogues.

  58. How about not so common sense that should be?

    Like

  59. Your blog – and the comments – always makes me laugh. Thank you for that.

    As for commandments… how about Advisements? Politer but still potent.

    Like

  60. Instead of Commandments, how about Anti-Assholeisms?

    Like

  61. all i can say at this point is “nice vag”.

    Like

  62. Blogessian Guidelines – little beacons of gravy colored hope sea salted with grains of humor accompanied by wine slushee sipped from the innards of a lunchbox shaped like a metal chicken

    or something like that/

    Like

  63. Did anyone else here “The Church of Bloggessianism is the gravy of religions” in their internal Oberon voices??

    Like

  64. ‘The Ten Condiments’ doesn’t sound bossy at all. If anything it sounds very optional.

    Like

  65. hahaha I need that vagina fascinator for Melbourne Cup Day here in Australia!

    Melbourne Cup Day = the annual horse race that stops the entire country to watch – no one works or does anything while it’s on. Well, except drink and make bets.

    Like

  66. my husband made you a membership card🙂 https://twitter.com/DRFinc/status/527159456023719936

    (Love it. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  67. No thithing – EVER!

    Like

  68. I think we should call the Commandments, Life Themes. Here’s one. There must always be high quality chocolate in the house.

    Like

  69. Vagina is the new black!

    Like

  70. my pre-teen boy just casually glanced at my monitor and said, “why does the bloggess have a hot dog on her head?” innocence is bliss.

    Like

  71. http://en.support.wordpress.com/comment-likes/ http://en.support.wordpress.com/enable-disable-comments/ Those are both links to the WordPress blog about how to enable “liking” comments on your blog. Might only be possible if your theme and WordPress version are all up to date though? Best of luck. I would like to be able to like some of these comments as well! Love the community you have built and I totally want a vulva puppet.

    (Victor’s out of the country but when he gets back I’ll check it out. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  72. um, so where does one procure a vulva puppet??

    Like

  73. 73
    SqualorHouseGail

    Everything that @shthisisme (up at #52) said!!

    Like

  74. Can the official sacred gravy be the gravy that they put on the meatballs at Ikea? I’m pretty sure it’s already been blessed and/or assembled with an allen wrench by someone in Småland.

    Like

  75. 75
    SqualorHouseGail

    @Zan: This is right forum for your story! OMG, I didn’t realize that there were people who do what you do—but a clearly NECESSARY service!

    Like

  76. I about died “where’s the clittoris?” Normaly it’s the g spot people can’t find.

    Like

    cupcakethegreat recently posted All legal like.

  77. Thou shalt not be a douche canoe. Especially when we just helped you move. Again.

    Like

  78. This morning I saw a girl at the convenience store wearing pajamas and slippers. I figured she must be a Bloggessian, but she wouldn’t make eye contact so I couldn’t communicate that I understood her religion.

    Commandment: Cookies are a great breakfast, whether or not they are oatmeal.

    Like

  79. Thou shalt drive like a smart person.
    Thou shalt park like a thoughtful person.
    Thou shalt not litter because you asshats are fucking up the whole place.
    Thou shalt not shout into your cell phone.
    Thou shalt silence thine me-forsaken cell phone in movies. (Double hell points for violating this one… triple points for ruining the end of the movie)
    Don’t make me come down there.
    -God

    Like

    David recently posted Is this your bull?.

  80. Everyone needs an extra fancy vagina fascinator on their head.

    Like

  81. I think that the commandments should be called The Ten Gravies, or however many of them there end up being. ‘Cause there is all kinds of gravy for different kinds of foods, like turkey gravy, pork chop gravy, etc., a gravy for everything.
    I liked ‘Gently Reproaches’, but let’s be real, people, since it’s a non-organized religion, who is actually going to follow thru with all the reproaching? Besides, I had enough of that with the other religion I was in, so a non-reproaching religion would be a refreshing change, don’t you think?
    And I would like to add a ‘Gravy’ to the list: Be Kind.
    Thank you. That is all.

    Like

  82. I feel so inferior, not having any genital puppets that I can haberdash.

    Also, I’ve been waiting for the mayonnaise of religions to give my life over to. So close.

    Like

  83. because wine

    Like

  84. Instead of Commandments some religions have Articles of Faith. We could have Fascinators of Faith. Or Vaginal Vagaries.

    Like

  85. You look the opposite of a dickhead…

    Also how long does it take you to dust your house? Do you have help? You have lots of things.

    Like

  86. I’ve nominated you to the One Lovely Blog Award, not because I have to, not because yours is the only other blog I know, but because you deserve it. I’d stick around but gotta go look for another 14 blogs to nominate.

    Like

  87. All i’ve gotta say is “Amen”

    Like

  88. Sometimes I get super sad because I can’t put a bizillion likes on your posts. Honest.

    Like

  89. Precepts:
    1. Don’t be a dick.
    2. It’s okay to have a dick.
    3. It’s not okay to say that having a dick makes someone a dick. If you think that… then you’re the dick.
    4. Cum often. It’s good for you.
    5. Be good to yourself.
    6. Be good to others too.
    7. Victor is right.
    8. Good food and good drink are good things. Don’t be a dick about other people’s food or drink.
    9. When you’re done, stop.

    Like

  90. This is so much like that scene in Rick and Morty when Rick and Summer go to Gazorpia, and the mall overhead speaker says things like “The Spider is sector 7 is still alive. Expect delays. We’re not telling you what to do. We’re just sharing how we feel. Now for weather. Is anyone else cold or is it just me?”

    Like

  91. I’d also love to be able to like some of the comments!!

    Like

  92. This is exactly the little piece of awesome that I needed right now. So sad, I know, but I dread Halloween now, because it means the impending doom of time change. From my brain’s reaction, you’d think the end of daylight saving time plunged us into 30 days of night. Trying to be proactive, I even started a petition to keep daylight saving time year round, but, apparently, only 9 other people care enough to actually sign their name to it. Sigh. It’s only 4 months of the year, right. Thanks for the smile.🙂

    Like

  93. instead of commandments…tips to feel less stabby

    Like

  94. How about The Shit List…of course I am biased.

    Like

  95. Re a new religion: check out pastafarianism, or the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

    Like

  96. Super Fancy Vagina, how exactly did it become that way did you bedazzle it? Can you get that done at a salon? The nail salon? What about super-cuts? Would they do that?

    Like

  97. Gravy needs to be one of the commandments.
    Or maybe all of them.

    Like

    Psychobabble recently posted October in Purple.

  98. According to the USDA, if your vagina was an apple (bear with me here), the grade of “extra fancy” would mean it’s “mature but not overripe, clean, fairly well formed, free from decay,
    internal browning, internal breakdown, soft scald, scab, freezing injury, visible water core, and broken skin.” (Check it out: http://www.ams.usda.gov/AMSv1.0/getfile?dDocName=STELPRDC5050339)

    Like

  99. Love the idea of disorganized religion. Can’t imagine what that service would look like.

    Like

    Laurie recently posted A Spooky Place....

  100. Khereva!
    I love your post… number 7 though – Controversial!!
    Also, as a person with a dick, I appreciate number 3🙂

    Precepts:
    1. Don’t be a dick.
    2. It’s okay to have a dick.
    3. It’s not okay to say that having a dick makes someone a dick. If you think that… then you’re the dick.
    4. Cum often. It’s good for you.
    5. Be good to yourself.
    6. Be good to others too.
    7. Victor is right.
    8. Good food and good drink are good things. Don’t be a dick about other people’s food or drink.
    9. When you’re done, stop.

    Like

    PinkNoam recently posted Kicking the Warcraft Habit: The Origin of PinkNoam.

  101. If you met Felicia Day you are only one degree away from Nathan Fillion now. I suggest you dig up that ball of twine and ask for an introduction.

    Like

  102. Gravy is also my cat’s name. It’s easy to underestimate her, because she’s really stupid. But she’s pretty cute and has polydactyl feets. I like this religion already.

    Like

  103. I love Vaginal Fantasy! It’s pretty much because I have crushes on them all. SO, now I’m going to go and watch this extra special episode. YES! Air punch.

    Like

  104. 104
    dionysuspsyche

    This was so much fun to watch.

    Hey, I know you may be sad about the election, so I sent you this.
    http://theycallmegomer.tumblr.com/post/99347811555/failnation-friend-found-this-at-a-local-flea

    Like

  105. ‘The Ten Condiments’ doesn’t sound bossy at all. If anything it seems very optional

    Like

    Tech Macho recently posted Free Download BBM for PC or Laptop – Windows XP,7,8,8.1/MAC.

  106. I have had a couple of crappy weeks, but this particular post made some of it better. Thanks for that… (Link explains, even without reading it know you made my week a bit better)
    http://pomama.wordpress.com/2014/11/19/yay-for-new-ipads/

    Like

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