Neptune is surrounded by a fog of invisible cats and sloths. FACT.

in Random Crap

According to the internet this is a real fact:

“On Saturn and Jupiter, it actually rains diamonds! Although the diamonds disintegrate before they reach the planet surfaces, they fall in their solid forms through the atmosphere.”

I’m sorry.  That can’t be true.  They’re just making shit up now.  But it’s a good fact to invent because it’s fascinating and how are you going to disprove it?  I could say that Mars is covered with a heavy fog of invisible cats and unicorn-sloths and no one could say shit about it.  Except for maybe astronomers and astrophysicists, I guess.  But I suspect they’re just making this stuff up as they go along so I think I just need to find someone to bribe at NASA and then all my facts will be accepted too.

They’d be like, “Invisible cats and unicorn-sloth fog?  Really?  Well, we did do ‘It rains diamonds on Saturn’ and people fell for that insanity.  We were super-drunk when we wrote that and we thought people would realize we were being sarcastic but apparently we need a sarcasm font because people will believe fucking anything.  You know what?  Fine.  No one is reading this shit anyway.”

Back me up here, Phil Plait.

PS. I don’t have a picture of invisible cats on Mars because they’re invisible (which I think is proof of my theory) so I’m making up for it with a picture of Ferris Mewler in his usual position on the stairs.

That can't be comfortable.
That can’t be comfortable.

121 thoughts on “Neptune is surrounded by a fog of invisible cats and sloths. FACT.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Ferris Mewler totally looks like he’s trying to tell you that the invisible cats around Mars rumor is totally true. That or he is about to ride an invisible luge down the steps.

  3. I want to know what you google to get your fabulous facts? Is there a subscription service for fun shit that you can only find proof of on the internet? Sign me up!
    What happens on Uranus? Or is that too obvious?

  6. You’ve got me curious. What are all those pictures on your wall? And how did you get them up there so perfectly aligned???

    (They’re weird images printed onto old french magazine pages. Squirrles wearing dresses. Zebras with bouffants. Famous stiff men with birds on their heads. Victor and I spent about 6 hours taping paper to the wall to make it all spread out and even. ~ Jenny)

  7. This gets the Phil Plait Seal of Approval™.
    Also, black holes are created by all the times Victor has told you you’re wrong about something.

    (HELL YES. ~ Jenny)

  8. Now I want a unicorn-sloth. But I really hate to fly, so I’m suspecting that a trip to Mars is not in my future. Also, your stairs are lovely.

  10. I bet people who live on Saturn and Jupiter listen to Kanye West and are all like, “Whatever bro. Call us when earth rains diamonds because that’s how hard WE ball.”

  11. I just want to know once and for all if Pluto is a freaking planet. Make up your minds, people! Pluto will need years of therapy to deal with this!

  12. I think if you can get Neil DeGrasse Tyson on board, you’re golden. Everyone believes everything he says. Except about the zombies cuz I totally think zombies can happen.

  15. I got a D in Astronomy because I kept writing “really? Is this real? This sounds like magic.” on all my assignments. I probably should have gotten an F but he probably didn’t want to risk having me in his class again.

  17. I think the existence of interplanetary invisible cats and unicorn-sloths would need to be verified by exocryptobiologists, or maybe exocryptozoologists. I’ll let you know if I find one.

  18. This gets the Phil Plait Astronomical Seal of Approval™.

    Also, whenever Victor tells you you’re wrong about something a black holes eats an inhabited planets.

  20. We should give Pluto something nice too. Bad enough it got demoted, now it has to watch all the other planets frolicking around with their diamond rain and unicorn-sloth fog? Totally unfair.

    So, uh…Pluto has a core of molten Nutella. Yeah, that’s it. I have a master’s degree in sciencey stuff so obviously I am a trusted authority in this matter.

  22. My 8-year-old believes in invisible cats. Sometimes, they “talk’ to her. We love her anyway…

  23. I too need to see a close up of your art on the wall… Please oblige and show us 🙂

  24. The fog comes
    on little cat feet.

    It sits with its friend
    the unicorn-sloth
    on silent haunches
    and then moves on.

    (A Carl Sandburg – Jenny Lawson collaboration)

  26. I fell asleep during the field trip to the planetarium yesterday so unfortunately I can’t answer these questions either. But I’m leaning toward invisible cat fog. At least if they’re invisible they can’t disintegrate, right?

  28. Your stairs scare me.
    That wooden part at top would be the death of me going Bobbitt-boppita-thud-boppita-boppita. THUD.

  29. I can picture myself zooming through the atmosphere above Saturn and Jupiter with a giant net collecting diamonds. Instant millionaire! So much easier than mining in Africa.

  30. Cats and sloths on Mars? Sign me up for a journey! (Although if they’re invisible, it might be a little less fun. Still… )

  32. If they said it, and then put it on the internet, it must be true, right? But try telling Ferris Mewler that he can’t be comfortable just because you put it on the internet. I’ll bet he tells you differently.

  35. Sarah, Pluto IS a planet. We astrologers never demoted Pluto. Ever. We RESPECT Pluto. Justifiably so.

    And, Jenny, Ferris Mewler is about to go down that rabbit hole…I would love to hear what he has to say when he returns.

  39. I believe Pluto is a planet and refuse to believe it was ever demoted. Otherwise the mnemonic doesn’t end with Pizza and everything good ends with Pizza.

    I think Ferris Mewler is wondering where the paparazzi are. Look at him, he’s posing.

  40. Your home, in the few shots I have seen on here, appears to be beautiful and well decorated. I want to see what your kitchen looks like. You should find a reason to take a picture of that room and post it.

    (One day when I’m finished decorating I will. My house is a clash of weird, whimsical, scary and normal. Each room is different and a real interior decorator would probably burn the whole thing down. ~ Jenny)

  41. My husband is an astrophysicist. I am SURE he will agree with you. He knows you are right about everything. (And Victor is wrong.) You probably don’t even have to bribe him. Although, he does accept donuts, kittens, and wine. Ok… fine. That’s me. But his other job is to make me happy, right?!? So you should probably be bribing me anyway.

  42. Oh I see Ferris must be related to my dog, Molly. Molly is all black and likes to lay at the top of the stairs, especially in the dark, to try and make you murder yourself by tripping over her on late night bathroom runs. I think the American Flag “true fact” was a bit overstated, it was more like he just edited the existing 49 start flag, “designed” is a bit of an over statement http://www.ushistory.org/betsy/flagfact.html (the great star flag was my favorite, why didn’t we keep that sucker and just keep adding stars?) but he’s dead so I’ll let him have it this one time.

  44. The first thing I saw/thought was, “Is that a gorilla wearing a Santa hat?” Then I was trying to figure out what the other photos were. Thanks for the close up shot.

  46. My husband and I built bookcases because we could not agree on a single painting to hang on the walls. Are entire living room is solid built ins now because they only thing we like is books. Most of the shelves are photos of our travels so it worked out. But I am still uber envious of your awesome walls and decor sense.

  49. I had not been a big blog reader, because apparently I’m too old & my head will fall off. But I read your book then immediately bought other copies for my friends whom I thought would appreciate it. I laughed so hard. I wanted it to never end. I wanted to sleep with it like a stuffed animal every night, my husband didn’t agree. Perhaps a new product? I was on an airplane next to a much older couple when I turned to the chapter “My Vagina is fine..” It’s in large letters & I had to quickly find something to cover chapter title, didn’t want them pressing there call button. So hilarious. I’ve bought the “FEELING STABBY” tshirt, & people stop me & ask so I’m doing as much promotion as I can. Not that you need me. One guy took a picture. You are my hero. Just had to tell you!

  50. I am so fucking impressed that ALL of those frames are straight! Did you GLUE them to the wall or something???

  53. It’s true, they do rain diamonds, Has to do with the heat, pressure and chemical make-up of the air. In fact, my cousin wrote her Physics PhD at Berkeley about this phenomenon.

    While I like the idea of a cloud of sloths and kitties, I think that it would get very messy very quickly.

  54. You can take a photo of an invisible cat but you can’t see it in the photo because it’s invisible. In fact every photo of Mars since 1976 has at least one invisible cat in it but you can’t tell they’re in the photo because…..well, the’re invisible of course.

  59. Synchronicity– last night my six year old son told me that on other planets there is “blue fire” that burns hotter than anything in the universe. I asked him how he knew that and he said he didn’t know. I haven’t even googled it but it sounds true so I’m going to go ahead and believe it.

  60. Love the photo of the cat and like the carpeting too. Forget goofy science-y stuff, when there’s cute + pretty to be observed.

  61. I love that you give a nod to the Mortitia Addams school of interior design. I hope you know I mean thatin. The best way possible.

  63. if this is helpful to anyone, a friend of mine and I realized the need for a sarcasm font when texting but we are too lazy and/or too tech dysfunctional so we now use the sarcasm slash. /no really, you’re right about everything./ we find it helps with keeping text conversations from going completely astray until one of says, “wait, you thought I was being serious? that was a joke.” slash away. you’ll thank me later.

  65. I LOVE your picture/stairway wall! Also, I showed my husband your post about the democratic party e-mails and he has been laughing about it ever since. He also forwards the really good ones to me =) That was POSSIBLY even funnier than Rambo and his Jammers, which made me laugh so hard that I couldn’t breath.

  66. Ferris Mewler, this may be my most favorite-est picture of you. I kind of want to print it out and hang it on my wall.

    Jenny, I LOVE YOUR WALL. I tried to do this once except I didn’t frame any of the pictures, nor line them up, in other words, it was a mess, but a beautiful mess. Yours is not a mess but it’s beautiful.

  67. You need another picture on the top row on the far left so it lines up with the third and fifth rows on the left. Um, the pictures are pretty too.

  69. I am loving the pictures too. The close-up is awesome. Buuuuuttttt…how did you decide what order to hang the pictures? If it were me, I would put the ones I like the least in the harder place to see and the one I like the best in the spot I see the most. All of that would war with my OCD habit of alphabetical order or whatever. So…I was just wondering….

    (I move them around all the time. ~ Jenny)

  71. I’m concerned about that ledge leading down the stairs! I would totally catch my foot on the raised wood and tumble down the stairs. How do you not do that? And pictures on the wall, what a great way to keep kids fingers from running down the wall on their way up and down the stairs. Too bad I didn’t realize this until after they’ve all left and I need to hire a painter to paint the whole thing… 🙂

  72. Ferris Mewler is being propped up by invisible cats – so comfy. Also, I get that framing all those wonderful prints would take for-e-ver, but how oh how did you HANG them all so perfectly? Was is a professional with a laser leveling device or magic fairies who floated them up just so and affixed them with glitter and spider webs?

  73. I think Ferris is all “This is not supposed to be comfortable! This is WORK, part of my Cat Responsibilities–trip the Humans whenever possible! (muttering) Sheesh! Does she even know me?”

    I love your picture wall!

  74. Obviously Ferris Mewler believes you and that is good enough for me. BTW, thanks for turning me onto Phil Plait – he must be excellent since he is fully aware that Victor is wrong and has offered his theory that Victor has actually created black holes through his insistence on being wrong. I think.

  75. Hey, if there were cats on Mars, wouldn’t we have seen them on the Mars Rover(s) cameras? They probably would run up and slap them with their little paws—like mine with the vacuum cleaner (but only when it’s ‘dead’ LOL)!

  77. Ok…aside from my absolute excitement about the interstellar raining diamonds, invisible cat fog and unicorn-sloths…I will not be able to rest until I know how you transferred your photos onto the magazine pages and did so with them being transparent….so the magazine print still shows through!!! Obsessed.

  78. Ok, this has nothing to do with unicorn-sloth fog or Ferris Mewler lounging on the stairs, but I just got on facebook and was pummeled with ads for giant realistic bear costumes. It made me think of you, and also giggle. So thank you for that.

  79. Congratulations on getting the Phil Plait seal of approval — he’s one of the best reasons for reading Slate.

  82. My bucket list will now not be complete until I’ve spotted the elusive unicorn-sloth. And holy crap what an awesome array of photos and a beautiful staircase- well done!

  83. I’m not a fan of cats on the Internet , as I have stated in the past. But this is an excellent photograph. Thanks for sharing.
    H

  85. I don’t know, I’m much more likely to believe the cat fog is around, like, Eris since it was named after the goddess of discord.

    Also, if it rains diamonds but then they disintegrate does that mean it REALLY rains sparkles? Is that where sparkle motion is? Or where the Twilight vampires are from?

  86. Ok…Am I the only one to notice the “trip” ledge at the top of your stairs? That totally can’t be safe ! “Victor you’re wrooooonnnnngg ” (thump) or (thud) nuance.

    (I have no idea why that’s there. It’s not tall enough to trip on but it’s just odd. This house has all sort of odd old-fashioned things thrown into the design. I just assume this was the way the used to make stairs when they wanted the people upstairs to fall a lot. ~ Jenny)

  88. LeeAnn Woo….great minds think alike……or we both have worst case scenario syndrome….later 🙂

  89. okay…. not to be all broken recordy, but seriously. how the hell did you get all those pictures straight…. and on a curve no less?!?! i spent about 5 hours trying to get 6 pictures level, and it didn’t even happen. you must have some magical unicorn sloth and cat fog blowing around that place. damn! i am jealous.

    (I bought the frames on sale and each frame has that piece of paper inside so I taped those pieces of paper to the wall to experiment on where they should go. Victor and I counted them out and spaced then out for hours until we found a pattern we liked. Then I put long strips of masking tape on the wall which I kept level by measuring the distance from the top of the stairs to tape. Then I measured out equal distances on the tape to know where to put the pictures. I offset the next rows because it hides the fact that the geometry isn’t perfect. I measured wrong initially and ended up ordering too many prints so we have them in other parts of the house too. I have pictures of Victor and I with a million different variations of white paper stuck to those walls. It took a ton of time and planning but it feels perfect for us. Formal and ridiculous all at once. We have a bunch of small hanging art in the living room and I just hung those in random patterns because the stair stuff was exhausting. ~ Jenny)

  90. I saw those pictures and all I can think of is steampunk. You need something with gears by the stairs.

  92. Jenny all I want in my life, is to see your house! The glimpses of it in your pictures make me wet and I don’t think I’m alone. You have so much cool shit. YOU NEED TO TAKE PICTURES OF EVERY ROOM FOR US!!!

  94. I’m an aspiring interior designer…so for our purposes I’m sure that counts. And no, I would absolutely not burn your house down. It looks amazing and fun to live in! If that isn’t the basis of good decor, then maybe I’m looking into the wrong field of work.

    I’m pretty sure the houses they put in magazines are as ‘photoshopped’ as the models on the next page. To me they look as unrealistic and boring! (Even if I wish I could keep my house that clean…) Kudos on your awesome taste!

  95. Now I am wondering how to reverse gravity on Saturn and Jupiter in order to catch the diamonds in their solid form before they reach the planet surfaces and disintegrate. Also, I’d like to hang images of invisible cats and unicorn-sloth fog in perfect alignment, the way you have in your stairway.

  96. I wonder if “this is a shitty Earth diamond…not a Saturn rain diamond!” will be the reason for many a refused marriage proposal.

  97. Diamonds…huh? It’s not shabby, but so “convenient” they “disappear” before landing. When a planet rains gravy, this is when “WE” – the chosen of the Bloggess shall rise and the excitement level will increase. Or we will just banter about it on here. Either way Ferris Mewler has gone centerfold on you.

    Also is that little skull and cross bones on the black stair carpet?

    (Skull and bone carpet would be the most awesome thing ever. It’s not though. It’s just a navy/beige design the former owners installed. ~ Jenny)

  99. Probably off-topic but I love your stairway with the pretty carpet and cool photo display. (Can’t help it. I notice these things).

  100. My husband is a NASA engineer with a degree in astrophysics and astronomy, if you need someone to bribe. He’d be cheap.

  101. We need to get a really big net with a really really really really long handle and “mine” for diamonds. We can use the money to save the invisible unicorn sloths from disintegration.

  102. O.M.G.!!!! 1!!!! JENNY!!!!! I am soooo excited right now!! I am having dinner at a restaurant called The Pink Apple in Tunkhannock, PA with my man and his Grandma…..and…..wait for it…..JAMES GARFIELD’S REDNECK COUSIN IS ON THE WALL!!!!! His name is Leroy, says my man. How can I send you Leroy’s photo??? You HAVE to see him!!!

    (Love it! I think you can post pics in the comments. ~ Jenny)

  105. The first secret of astrophysics is that if they say it all makes sense, they’re lying. The draw is that it’s all completely batshit crazy and that’s what we love about studying it.

  106. I have a t-shirt that I wear when teaching at Yearbook Camp (yes, a real camp) that says “There is a great need for a sarcasm font.” Story of my life.

  109. Mars is the Red Planet, therefore we must deduce that all cats on Mars are in fact RED and thus invisible. Scientists are unable to explain Mars unicorns until they are really blotto.

  111. The snippets of you house that I’ve seen make me think of that kids book, The Big Orange Splot. “My house is me, and I am it. My house is where I like to be, and it looks like all my dreams.” Well done, you. You’re doing it right.

  114. This is totally unrelated to the post but I saw this commercial and totally thought of you….

  118. Thank God you don’t openly advertise where you live and I live in Massachusetts because I’ve got a nearly overwhelming desire to sit on your staircase and make sure that the photos are all even and level and I think I know why your cat sits that way. He just can’t help it. Neither can I.

  119. I’m taking a graphic design course right now and this chapter was on the Illusion of Space – this picture is textbook perfect! Amplified perspective (Ferris), linear perspective, vertical perspective, the whole nine yards. I just used it for my homework. Thanks! 🙂

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading