UPDATED: The Church of Bloggessianism. Choose your title, strangelings.

A few weeks ago I was accidentally made the leader of a church which doesn’t actually exist and now we have over 2,000 members.  I’m pretty sure than makes me some sort of Pope so please send me hats.

roundbloggessianism

More about that here if you missed it.

We decided that it would be nice to have some commandments, but “Commandment” seemed a bit pushy so we’re leaning more toward “Helpful Hints” or “Life Hacks”.  I came up with the first few.  The rest are a few of my favorites you’ve come up with.  Feel free to add your own:

Current Life Hacks for the Church of Bloggessianism:

  • Don’t be an asshole.
  • Extra gravy for everyone.
  • Two holy days of observance each month requiring Bloggessians to take the day off and watch bad tv or read in bed. We also get all the regular holidays off for every other religion because we’re incredibly open-minded and like to support other beliefs as well. This includes Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day, National Donut Day, Deviled Egg Appreciation Day, etc. (FYI…today is National Sundae Day, even though it’s Tuesday, but it’s nice because you need to leave right now and eat ice cream for religious reasons.)
  • If you see a sloth you are given special dispensation to hug it. Present your official card to any zoo officials.
  • Here is your official I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Because-It’s-Against-My-Religion-Not-To card.
  • Mosquitos are now illegal.
  • Wearing slippers and pajamas in public is a sign of your faith and you’re allowed to kick judgey people in the knee if they question you. Togas are also acceptable if you are feeling particularly religious or if you’ve run out of clean clothes altogether.
  • Bacon at every meal. Chocolate dipped bacon for special high holidays.
  • Blessed are the pickles, for they are pickled.
  • Thou shall always ask for help when you need it.
  • Thou shall carry thy metal spork for all sudden stabby needs.
  • Thou shall glitter-bomb assholes.
  • Thou shall get your slow ass out of the fast lane.
  • Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s giant metal chicken.
  • Thou shalt not lick foxen, unless the foxen are into it.
  • Thou shalt not share things on facebook until thou hast verified their truth.
  • Thou shalt not throw co-workers under the bus.
  • Thou shalt not leave your cart in the middle of the grocery aisle and wander off to find tuna fish.
  • Thou shalt not talk to people who are less than 10 pages from the end of the book they are currently reading
  • Thou shalt not make commandments.
  • Thou shalt not shalt others. 
  • Honor the saints of Bloggessianism. St. Wil of Collating.  St. Jeri Ryan of Spatula. Nancy W. Kappes, Patron Saint of Chemical Substances.  James Garfield, Patron Saint of Taxidermy.  Etc.
  • Special dispensation from parallel-parking.
  • Pants are always optional. Always.
  • We brake for taxidermy. Also chocolate. And phantom Sasquatches.
  • Never stand if you can sit.  Never sit if you can lie down.
  • We all get our own pony.
  • Cadbury mini eggs are available year round.
  • And none for Gretchen Weiners.
  • You may decline on the gravy, or give your gravy as a charitable contribution to those less gravied.
  • Christmas is a mandatory onesie day.
  • No one leaves the house until all cookies are eaten.
  • All orphaned pygmy hippos will be adopted, and named George.
  • On the sabbath, excerpts shall be read from “The Phantom Tollbooth.”
  • Take care of each other.
  • Never take advice from someone with bad eyebrows.
  • The go-to phrase for asking anybody to hold something shall invariably be, “Hold my poodle.”
  • Everything comes with a side of pancakes.
  • No observances during the Zombie Apocalypse.
  • Whosoever believeth in me shall be confused all the days of their lives.
  • FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, LOIS. THIS IS CAMP. GET TOUGH OR DIE.
  • Depression lies.
  • Red dresses are sacred.
  • Bloggessians may be taxidermied upon death and kept in the family home. Keeping them fashionably dressed is a must or you may be haunted by them.
  • The only weapons we believe in are books and we believe in heavily arming everyone.
  • Mandatory Cupcake Monday
  • Taco Tuesday
  • Saturday is now Caterday.
  • Time is a “wibbly wobbly concept” and therefore deadlines are portals that must be avoided unless we’re okay with being trapped in a rift.
  • Bloggessians can decline social events without guilt for any reasons related to their heads getting in the way.
  • Celebrate the awkwarding.
  • Never let anyone be awkward all alone.
  • Remember that thou art as special and irreplaceable as the people you love most. 
  • Keep the Victor in thy prayers and do not succumb to the wrongness; forever and ever or until the gravy runs out.
  • Wine shall be an acceptable beverage at all hours of the day.
  • Everyone should be owned by at least one animal.
  • Naps shall be mandatory.
  • Members of the church can still be members of any other religion or lack-thereof, but membership into the Double Unicorn Success Club is automatic.
  • Spiders must ask permission before entering a home.
  • All members, male and female alike, shall have their own tiaras.
  • Inappropriate giggling is always appropriate.
  • Share your successes. Share your failures. Share your booze.
  • No icy cold weather allowed. But sometimes snow.
  • Our biggest tenet is David Tenant.
  • One can NEVER have too many towels.
  • Above all things, we strive to be furiously happy. If that doesn’t work, wine slushees usually will.
  • The official religious sacrament offerings are tiny cakes made for squirrels.
  • If a llama is within ten feet of you, then you can try to ride it if the llama is into it.  If you’re feeling extra religious you may wave a flag. (Pirate flag is suggested.)
  • Tithing is expected.  It is also expected that you spend all of your tithing on ridiculous things that you would never buy for yourself except now you have to because it’s a religious requirement.
  • (INSERT YOUR COMMANDMENT HERE.)

These commandments might seem contradictory, but that’s fitting because being contradictory is also part of our (dis)organized religion.

Everyone in the Church of Bloggessianism is given an official title when they feel they are ready for that level of responsibility.  “Strangeling” is the perfect beginner title for all neophytes who don’t yet know what unique title they want to settle on. Once you’ve decided that being weird is a good thing you are officially a Strangeling. Then, once you’ve eaten a good slice of pie, or watched a zombie move, or accomplished something a grown-up should have to do, you become qualified to choose any title that best fits your personality.  Right now I’m Jenny Lawson, Notorious Lion Whisperer.  I’ve already picked out my business cards.  Here’s a helpful chart if you need suggestions picking a title (or page down to have one randomly assigned).

choose your own title

Or if there are just too many options you can use this clever thing my brilliant friend made us:

The Random Title Generator for the Church of the Bloggessianism

(My randomly assigned title today was Dreadful Overlord of Ermine Canon.  I approve.)

If you’d like to commemorate your title (or bestow a title to a special someone) you can customize this card with your title.  The official I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Card is printed inside.  Any profits raised by the church will go to buying taxidermy and helping homeless children, but a basic tenet of the church should be “No helping homeless children if you don’t want to” so you have full permission to just print this out for free yourself.  (PS. The coupon code TISTHESEASON gets you 60% off that card this week.)

bloggesschurch

sloth

Now go out and be awesome.

May peace and gravy follow you the rest of your days.

459 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Finally a church that makes sense. Signed, the Certified Lady of Kringle Sleep

    Like

    The Dusty Parachute recently posted The Silent Victims of Our (Loud) Book Club.

  2. This post is so full of awesomeness I don’t know where to begin. I LOVE EVERY WORD written here. And I love you. Which is how church is supposed to make you feel. Yay for the Church of Bloggessianism. You’re doin’ it right.

    Like

    Gina W. recently posted Why I spent Sunday night at the dentist and not on my ass watching primetime TV.

  3. Also, I tried to tell my husband to take the day off for ‘Spouse of a Scorpio Support Day’ but since he’s giving a big talk about his new book today he will be observing it at a later date.

    Like

  4. Transcendent Knave of Guava Whispering reporting for duty. Damn. I think I’ve already screwed up my title:).

    Like

    candidkay recently posted Flaws, center stage.

  5. Holy. Shit.

    Can we have revolving titles? Because I can’t pick one.

    (Yes, because I can’t be expected to remember mine. I plan on changing every time I run out of business cards. ~ Jenny)

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Search Term Tuesday: I Left The Most Disturbing Out.

  6. Dreadful Overload of Sloth Snogging. Oh yeah…getting that on a bumper sticker. Usually I am not a fan of organized religion but you reeled me in with “mandatory naps” and sealed the deal with and the David Tenant tenant. Testify!

    Like

    thetattootourist recently posted Witch Doctors and Woe – The Stupidity Continues.

  7. I, the Celebrated Lady of Duck Declarations, donate my gravy to whoever so needs it.

    Like

  8. Okay okay okay… Sublime arch-nemesis of Lima Bean Snogging

    Liked by 1 person

    Michelle recently posted Search Term Tuesday: I Left The Most Disturbing Out.

  9. I also feel I need more guidance on a Title. Too many choices! That should be a commandment: Thou Shalt Not Offer Too Many Choices.

    (Pick a number. Use that number to choose the words. Or have a friends pick out the perfect title for you. Even better. ~ Jenny)

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    Cassandra recently posted TV Dramas We’d Like To See.

  10. 11
    ocularnervosa

    Geeze, what a bargain. It cost me $30 to become a licensed ordained minster with the Unitarians.

    ps, as a member of Bloggessianism can I ignore that whole “I before e” rule?

    (Yes. Grammar is now just a suggestion, although if you really fuck things up we’ll be forced to give you a heavy side-eye. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  11. Rogue Overlord of Llama Shaving reporting in – this is what i’ve been waiting for since leaving the Baptist Church 25 years ago. Thank you!😀

    Like

  12. My kind of church. Regal Duchess of Cat Spies.

    Like

  13. Rogue Pixie of Fuck Whispering.

    Like

  14. Glittering Rapscallion of TARDIS Gospels.

    That’s something I can get behind!

    Like

  15. It is with great honor I take on my official and proper title of: Legal Advisor of Pizza Canon. Be blessed, and enjoy suffering Scorpio Spouses day (or whatever official religious holiday today is).

    Like

  16. “The transcendent superintendent of pizza gospels” has a nice ring to it

    Like

  17. There are too many choices! How am I supposed to pick?!

    Like

  18. Transcendent Strangeling of Attitude

    Like

  19. The Celebrated Strangeling of Wombat Fundamentals is very grateful for her new title. Thank you so much for redeeming me from the shit-storm that is today. I’m going to go eat a sundae and ignore the rest of the world. Except for my fellow Bloggessianists, who make me smile.

    Like

  20. I see Queen is missing from column 2. But since you have been so kind as to be flexible, I’m still keeping my main title of The Queen of Everything. Today though I am The Furious Queen of Everything because today is a sucky, sucky day. Maybe tomorrow I will be The Glittering Queen of Everything.

    Like

    heidi recently posted Where in the World.

  21. Ive decided on rogue ambassador of wombat cuddling

    Like

  22. Can we make it “Pants are always optional. Always. Except for Dr. Pants”?

    (So say we all. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  23. I should like to be the Notorious Custodian of Fried Pickle Tasting. It is an honor to accept this position from you, Bloggess. My life is full and complete. * weeping happily *

    Like

    Allison Merritt recently posted Tuesday Teasers, Because I'm Frozen.

  24. Majestic Protector of Gnocchi Bondage!

    Like

  25. I do hope it is ok that I came to the faith Pre-Titled. I was crowned Psychic Princess Metz by my, clearly ahead of their time, best friends way back in my 19-20’s. I see no reason to discard such a prestigious title, but do like the thought of amending it to be Psychic Strangeling Princess Metz of the Snooze Button.

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    Metz recently posted I KNOW YOU’RE OVER THERE GHOST.

  26. Using the “chose a number/column” method, I now respond to: Approved Commander of Libra Persuasion. I really love the juxtaposition between “Commander” and “Persuasion”. Feels very Libra.

    Like

  27. Well, today is a crappy work day, but apparently my title is Eminent Duchess of Jazz Dogma. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Mayhaps we could allow for a tweaking on the bacon hack for us non pork eaters to make it sound more optional? Y’all can have my bacon, i don’t want it🙂 Otherwise, spot on! I may consider this new faith!🙂

    Like

  29. What about sisters of Scorpios? We’re stuck with ours forever. And I said that “forever” like Squints in “The Sandlot.”

    Sincerely, The Illicit Czar of Shrimp Cocktail Culture.

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    nerril recently posted What’s in a Purse?.

  30. Please forgive me for I have sinned, I have coveted my neighbors big metal chicken. I’m a bad, bad person.

    Like

  31. I am the Illustrious Pixie of Pâté Grooming. Tremble before me!

    Like

  32. Love this! Thank you. I now have a way to kill downtime at work creating cards for all my friends.🙂

    Sincerely,
    Christina Hill, Illustrious Instigator of Kitten Cuddles

    Like

  33. Glittering Boss of Badger Sucker-punches, reporting for duty

    Like

  34. It is a momentous day — I have never had the slightest interest in any sort of religion, until now. All hail the Notorious Lion Whisperer.

    And, for now, just call me Solstice, the Glittering Firebrand of Penguin Admonitions.

    Like

  35. Finally, a religion that “gets” me – and doesn’t throw me back.
    I’m in.

    Like

    The Hook recently posted Even A Quiet Murdoch Monday Has Its Moments..

  36. I feel so honored to be recognized as the Noble Pixie of Baked Goods, and am especially tickled that my life hack was selected for your list (’cause I get stabby when people interrupt my reading in the last few pages of the book).

    Like

  37. As the Celebrated Mastermind of Nacho Regulations, I’m off to try to scam free nachos for lunch. It’s against my religion not to.

    Like

  38. Thank you so much for incorporating the exemption from Parallel Parking. I cannot park. I do not need to. I need a sign for my windshield, please.
    Sincerely,
    Nancy, the Distinguished Loose Cannon of Cat-Hair Braiding.

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    notquiteold recently posted Life-Altering.

  39. I shall be now known as Rogue Chair of Lion Spies.

    Upon reflection, perhaps choosing my name based on the first word i saw from each column was a terrible idea. Or magnificent- much like my new, luxurious mane.

    Like

  40. I am the Eminent Advisor of Donkey Sucker-Punches. I will advise you which days the Donkey Sucker-Punches are disciplinary blows to the head and which days it is a refreshing alcoholic beverage. Check your calendars often.

    Like

  41. I love you.
    The Notorious Pixie of Cat Secrets.

    Like

  42. I think I shall be the Magnificent Pixie of Cat Whispering.

    Like

  43. I have to go translate “celebrate the awkwarding” into Latin so I can add it to my family crest.

    And ideally make up a family crest while I’m at it.

    After I add “Illustrious Instigator of Aardvark Admonitions” to my non-existent business cards.

    Like

    Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted The Nut’s Unhelpful Instructables: How To Food.

  44. Henceforth, my title shall be Magnificent Hooligan of Kitten Belly Cuddling

    Like

  45. I am the Eminent Advisor of Donkey Sucker-Punches. I will advise you as to what days the Sucker-Punches are disciplinary blows to the head, and what days the Sucker-Punches are refreshing alcoholic beverages. Check your calendar often.

    Like

  46. Renee Burton, Distinguished Duchess of Cat Tasting, at your service.

    Like

  47. I love this… especially on a Tuesday!!! signed, The Magnificent Lady of Pug Cuddling

    Like

  48. How do you just print the card out at home? I see no option for it on that page– Grand Protector of Foxen Culture

    Like

  49. For now I shall be known as the Magnanimous Rapscallion of Cat Dogma.

    Bring me my sloth and my bacon!

    Like

  50. 51
    marvolosriddle

    Illustrious Duchess of Cat Tasting, at your service!

    Like

  51. An old roommate once said he was thinking of starting his own church; the only details he’d worked out were that the worship service would involve oral sex and presweetened breakfast cereal.

    Frankly, I suspect that thinking about those things just kind of got his brain stuck on those elements and he never was able to think ahead further.

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    KWadsworth recently posted Advent Came Early.

  52. 53
    annierugg0604

    This made my day… love, The Magnificent Lady of Pug Cuddling

    Like

  53. Oooh Cats seem to be in heavy rotation…. Perhaps I should be the Magnanimous Rapscallion of something elses Dogma….. Now taking applications and suggestions.

    Like

  54. Ahhhh, Nancy W. Kappes. I must re-read her glorious words yet again…TO THE ARCHIVES!
    Signed, Glittering Overseer of Unicorn Spies

    Like

  55. I am the Glittering Lady of Cupcake Snogging. I’m happy to be here. At last, a church that gets ME!

    Like

  56. Lovely!

    • Transcendent Loose Cannon of Burrito Whispering

    Like

  57. Imperial Duchess of Daydreams (particular daydreams of the cat/travel/Bradley Cooper variety).

    Like

  58. I appreciated being made to feel included. As the Accredited Loose Cannon of Cupcake Sucker-Punches I appreciate the opportunity to show my range. This title says educated renegade who is sweet in the middle but can really f*ck you up.

    Pretty accurate description, I must say. ::does the Ed Grimley dance off stage::

    Like

  59. I think a commandment about cheese is also necessary. Like, thou shalt always add cheese if additional cheese is an option.

    Like

  60. I think I’ve decided on Narwhals…. Magnanimous Rapscallion of Narwhal Dogma

    Like

  61. You really need one small change: “Don’t be an asshole” SHOULD be a commandment, You should have one commandment. And the penalty should be death, but you are a much nicer person than I, so I’ll leave retributions up to you.

    Like

  62. I am forever your humble follower.
    Glorious Strangeling of Unicorn Cuddling

    Like

  63. 64
    Notorious LIZ

    Thank you, Church of Blogessianism, for allowing me to publicly be the Rogue Protector of Cheetah Spies that I’ve always been in my heart.

    Like

  64. I love this post. You are my favourite.

    Sincerely,
    The Glittering Duchess of Cheese Culture

    Like

    Allison recently posted Currently Overplaying.

  65. I’m really loving the “mosquitos are now illegal” hack…by far my favorite.

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    Jessie recently posted Baby elephant wins fight over lions (a.k.a. Glenn Coco).

  66. For now I’ll be the Brilliant Strangeling of World Travel.

    Like

    Jenny Williams recently posted Marriage Equality in Arizona.

  67. Rouge Duchess of Bulldog Cuddling, I’m here for the potluck planning.

    Like

  68. It’s about time we got this church up and going. When’s our first get together? We have to wear our tiara’s and red dresses right?
    Rogue Lady of Elephant Secrets

    Like

  69. But but but I Do COVET Beyonce. I even Yahooed the store and checked their stock. I even contemplated a road trip to another state! I can not comply with this commandment.

    Like

  70. I’m very happy with my religion, but the Church of Bloggessianism is sounding really good right about now!

    Like

    Karen Marie Peterson recently posted I hung out with Mark Wahlberg, Clint Eastwood, and Steve Carell. How was your week?.

  71. Can we come up with an icon; something to use instead of a fish or stick-figure family? I already want an FSM magnet, now I’m thinking maybe a sloth for Bloggessianism?

    Like

  72. 73
    mama of 4 fuzzballs

    As the reigning Imperial Duchess of Feline Judging…. wait that can’t be right – i’m not judgy. OK as the reigning Imperial Duchess of Feline Snogging… shit, that’s probably illegal or immoral or something. OK, here it is.,…. As the reigning Imperial Duchess of Feline Cuddling, I hereby say YAY!!!

    Like

  73. This sounds suspiciously like a cult. I’m in. Glorious Hooligan of Cheese Cultivation.

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    Steph recently posted Search Term Tuesday.

  74. Woohoo! I’m The Exalted Duchess of Tequila Tasting! Do we have a calendar of events somewhere? I sense the need for an official event or ceremony or something.

    Like

  75. Maybe me and The Glorious Hooligan of Cheese Cultivation could collaborate? Tequila and Cheeeeeeese!

    Like

  76. Now that you’re a religious leader, do you get diplomatic immunity? You should look into that.

    Like

  77. As the Notorious Pixie of Poutine Culture, may I propose an amendment to “EXTRA GRAVY FOR ALL” – that being – “EXTRA GRAVY FOR ALL PLUS CHEESE CURDS ON FRIES FOR CANADIANS AND HONORARY POUTINE LOVERS. YES, YOU.” That is all. Thank you.

    Like

  78. This made my day! The next time I forget business cards I will simply introduce myself as the Magnificent Duchess of Bacon Secrets.

    Like

  79. The Illustrious Czar of Baby Elephant Cuddling, at your service.

    Like

  80. Sanctioned Anarchist of Dog Dogma. See what I did there? I like it.

    Like

  81. May I add that our tiaras shall be worn on the third Tuesday of every month, which is known as Tiara Tuesday and has a facebook page that is very Bloggessian https://www.facebook.com/groups/138486832943680/?ref=br_tf

    Like

  82. ****Don’t be an asshole!!!!!****
    Not being an ***ASSHOLE**** will take one a LOooooooooooooNG way in life))
    Fab.
    PS. Jenny, still waiting for you to appear on my blog, babe. xx

    Like

  83. (1) I forgot ALL ABOUT The Phantom Tollbooth!!!

    (2) Oy, with the poodles already!

    Like

  84. I think Unorthodox Pixie of Life suits me, just like Bloggessianism. Peace and gravy to you all😀

    Like

  85. I will be henceforth known as the Notorious Lady of Marsupial Cuddling. I feel better already.

    Like

  86. Exalted Pixie of Penguin Culture, at your service.

    Like

  87. 88
    Pam, Noble Protector of Sloth Secrets

    I have one question (so far): Caterday. Is that Cat-er-day or Ca-ter-day. You see, this will make a big difference in how I spend that day…

    Like

  88. And to think I would ever belong to am organized religion. I guess there is a first time for everything because this is so fabulously brilliant.

    Like

  89. Honorable Director of Chocolate Tasting….has a nice ring to it. Now I must go and get some chocolate, and a sloth…because.

    Like

  90. Finally!! My kind of religion, I am in! I am the Honorable Overseer of Bovine Travel, the question is not why did the chicken cross the road…but why did the cow do so without the proper permits. Off to change all my email addies and usernames!

    Like

  91. I’ve been married to a Scorpio (a left-handed, red-headed, Irish Scorpio, no less) for 44 years. Because I’m a slow learner. Or a masochist. The fact that I’m not sure would seem to indicate the former. Fuck it – I’m taking the rest of the day off to rest.

    Jami
    Unorthodox Overseer of Bacon Shaving.
    (Because while bacon goes with everything, fuzzy bacon never goes with anything.)

    Like

  92. Reblogged this on ARITA'S ABODE and commented:
    Oooohhh!! Count me in as The Glittering Pixie of Cookie Cultivation & Tasting =)

    Like

  93. I’m going with “Glittering Czarina of Book Cuddling”. It has a nice ring to it.

    Like

  94. Sarah – this is a DISorganized religion, so you’re still safe.

    Like

  95. Can I still be a member even though I covet my neighbor’s giant metal chicken? I COVET THE HELL out of it! Otherwise, totally game on with the rest of them.

    Sincerely, Illicit Rapscallion of Anteater Grooming (at least for the rest of the day)

    Like

  96. 97
    mpjatvtcdotnet

    Mome

    Like

  97. Brilliant Protector of Virus Cleaning, always ready for duty.

    Like

  98. I’m going to print the “commandments” on a pamphlet and hand them out at the mall like the Gideons. I may stand next to the Salvation Army bell ringers for extra traffic. And to everyone who accepts one I shall say, “Blessings from the Church of Bloggessianism and from me, the Imperial Duchess of Gemini Attitudes.” Something tells me it’s going to be a good good day!

    Like

    fillyourownglass recently posted Sunday Smiles – You Are Someone’s Reason.

  99. Rouge Duchess of Bulldog Cuddles, I’m willing to organize a potluck lunch.

    Like

  100. Just call me the Illustrious Duchess of Dachshund Weaving

    Like

  101. the Rogue Lady of Cat Dogma

    Like

  102. Finally, a religion I can get behind! Because honestly, David Tenannt should be a basic part of every religion.

    • Noble Overlord of Dog Cuddling

    Like

  103. Seems legit…. i think i’m ready to reveal my title now… “Majestic Pixie of Secrets and Bondage”…. (dont judge me) lolz

    Like

  104. Henceforth I shall be known as The Noble Strangeling of Book Secrets. I see your secrets, you dirty, dirty books.

    Like

  105. Ah, hell. I’m in. I love it all, especially the ability to pass my gravy on to David Tennant. Wait, I may have gotten a few things confused there. I’m looking forward to future cult, er, church activities!

    The Ceremonious Custodian of Cat Communications
    (because, well, cats and alliteration)

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    Traci Otte recently posted Jenn's amazing wire creations.

  106. SO GOOD. But I feel paralyzed by the number of choices. I think I’ll drink whiskey and use my Ouija Board to choose mine for me.

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    Mackenzie recently posted seven years of college down the drain.

  107. Illicit Duchess of Unicorn Dogma. A least for today. That should be a commandment too. Thou hast the right to change thy title at any given time.

    Like

  108. 109
    April [Insert Title Here]

    But I already have a title. Thee most awesome title. Princess-High-And-Mighty, Big-Shot, Told-You-So, Boss-Of-The-World. Somehow higher-ups never thought this was appropriate at work.

    Like

  109. Deborah Ilene – EXACTLY! I’ve been bingeing on Gilmore Girls and my first thought was “Oy, with the poodles, already!” Also, I hereby officiate myself (can one officiate oneself? I DECLARE IT TO BE SO IN BLOGGESSIANISM) as the Distinguished Duchess of Dolphin Dogma. May it ever be so, and may the odds be ever in your favor, for ever and ever, Bloggessian-amen.

    Like

  110. Glittery Pixie of Pasta Bondage. Let the fun illustrations begin! Also, is there a rule on the type of gravy? Could maple syrup be considered gravy? These are serious questions I must know!

    Like

  111. I’m fine with staying a Strangeling. I’m fine very much. But tell me: are there plans for a commune? If you do decide to move all of us to a commune can you send me a pamphlet ahead of time? I’d like to discuss it with my wife. One thing I need to know upfront is the wi-fi situation. If there’s no wi-fi, I’ll tell you right now that it’s a deal-breaker. I need wi-fi and coffee. Though, I’m sure you’ll have coffee. That’s a given. It’s why I didn’t ask if you’d have it. A commune without coffee is insanity. It just can’t function. Also, I think you’ll need a cobbler. If not living on the commune, then one in a neighboring town that we can go to. We’ll still be able to go to town, right? Take in a movie and such? I’m sure the pamphlet will explain it all.

    Liked by 1 person

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  112. Yes to ALL OF THIS.

    And I have to be the Glittering Overseer of Sloth Whispering

    Like

  113. Finally, now I can officially be recognized as Ashley, Regal Lady of Dog Cuddling.

    Like

  114. Glittery Pixie of Pasta Bondage. Let the fun illustrations begin!! Also, is it a specific type of gravy? Like, could maple syrup be considered gravy? I NEED TO KNOW! Oh, and instead of “Amen”, we should say “Hakuna Matata”, dramatically.

    Like

    luminessa08 recently posted Realizations and Detachment.

  115. I’ve always wanted to get in on the ground floor of something- just call me the Glittering Pixie of Dessert Declarations!

    Like

  116. I’m pretty sure I’m now going to end all of my emails with “May peace and gravy follow you the rest of your days.” Thanks!

    Like

  117. Naps shall be mandatory. I’m in. Signed Brilliant Overseer of Chocolate Cake Cultivation. Although I believe I may change my name often.

    Like

  118. since my hobby is sleeping, and I am so excellently good at it, I declare myself the certified authority of sloth sleep. All hail the expert in sleeping.

    Like

  119. Sloths are so wonderful! Linking recent (great) episode for everyone’s viewing enjoyment:
    http://www.pbs.org/wnet/nature/sloth-named-velcro-full-episode/11157/

    Like

  120. Laughing too hard to choose a title, but I believe it’s something to do with Cat Grooming.

    Like

  121. I have long held the title Minister of Pie. I see no reason to change it now.

    Slonshal, fellow strangelings!

    Like

  122. It is lovely to meet you. I am the Irreverent Lady of Bat Attitudes (or Batitudes if you’re feeling cheeky, which I usually am) at your service, my liege.

    Like

  123. I shall go forth and be a great disciple

    Like

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  124. Lotta cats and dogs. Where are the armadillos?

    Like

    Janet Coburn recently posted The Great Linguini Divot.

  125. I donate my gravy to anyone who is gravy-dependent. Love, Unorthodox Pixie of “Road may be subject to sudden catastrophic sinkhole collapse.” (Hey..it said “choose a sign”)

    Like

  126. The Honorable,Sublime (I required two from column “A”) Overseer of Cat Braiding.

    Like

  127. You may call me the Noble Custodian of Gryffin Spies. And I’d like to add a saint, Nathan Fillion refuser of twine.

    Like

  128. 129
    Trinity Dyson

    Rogue Pixie of Unicorn Secrets!

    Like

  129. I’m thinking of taking a title for each day of week. Keep it varied. On Tuesdays I shall be the Eminent Overlord of Centaur Grooming.

    Where can I find a centaur?

    Like

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  130. I’m joining as the Princess of Unicorn Snuggling. 🙂

    Like

  131. 132
    Veronica, the Imperial Protector of Meatball Culture

    I’m in (if the liking the facebook page is enough), Veronica, the Imperial Protector or Meatball Culture

    Like

  132. Illicit Director of Lasagna Persuasion. I like it.

    Like

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  133. Noble Agitator of Falafel Bondage. Yeah… that’s me.

    Like

  134. I shall now be known as the Exalted High-Lord or Dragon Tickling. As you may have guessed, I have ADD and your lists were too long, so I just ran with it.

    Like

  135. Noble hooligan of cat secrets. Awesome sauce! ❤

    Like

  136. I am Princess Jenni, Killer of Zombies, Savior of Snails. I didn’t pick a title from the titles offered, because it didn’t have those things, and I believe it is my right, as a follower of the Bloggess to choose my own.

    Like

  137. 138
    starandflurry

    It is deemed: Imperial Duchess of Sparkler Judging.

    Thank you.

    Like

  138. Finally, I can tell my dad to lay off my refusal to parallel park. It’s against my religion! So says the Glitter Czar of Dog Spies.

    Like

  139. Accredited Instigator of Pancake Persuasion…hell yeah! Now that’s what you call a title.

    Like

  140. If Thou causes another’s credit card to be replaced due to Thou’s fraud, Thou shall be banished to book prison, for 10 years, with only one book to read.

    Distinguished Commander of All Things Scissoring.

    Like

  141. I’ll take Transcendent Lady of Irony Dogma. 🙂

    Like

  142. Are you not afraid to ask people to send you hats?

    Like

  143. As the Recognized Pixie of Pizza Gospels I can now wear my official Bloggessianim tiara.I was waiting for a special occasion.

    Like

  144. I just hope this religion doesn’t expect me to memorize all of the commandments. 10 was hard enough.

    -Glittering Pixie of Seahorse Cuddling

    Like

  145. I am the Illustrious Pixie of Marshmallow Tasting and I feel welcome.

    Like

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  146. For our church revivals, I’ll bring pizza and shortbread. It’s a Scottish/Connecticut thing.

    Like

  147. FINALLY a title!!!!
    rogue dutchess of parrots
    AND the official lady of parrot belly snuggling

    Like

  148. I LIKE IT…I LIKE IT ALOT. extra soft jammies for all!!

    Like

  149. After half a work day lost, I think I have finally settled on Sublime Duchess of Lemur Braiding.
    Thank you.

    Like

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  150. I’m so excited! When do I get to meet George, my very own pygmy hippo?

    Like

  151. Totally heard “judgeRy” on the 7th commandment and I’m keeping it for my title. Magnificent Premier of Horrible-Driver Judgery

    Like

  152. I love it. I think I’ll order blank cards, so I can just fill in my title and/or any special instructions for the day…EACH DAY.

    Like

    stef recently posted No Computer for a WEEK = *UNHAPPY FACE*.

  153. Rogue Strangeling of Pony Braiding

    Like

  154. Now I can finally tell my mother I am going to church, so stop nagging! Sincerely, the Transcendent Pixie of Popcorn Culture.

    Like

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  155. I’m a Rogue Rapscallion of Cheesy Secrets

    Like

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  156. Friday is Pieday. At least in my house. Well it was for some time. Good times they were.

    Like

  157. Notorious pixie of pasta tasting here. 🙂

    Like

  158. Finally a religion that is crazy in a good way.
    Loving my new title, too.

    Like

  159. Sublime Dutchess of Welsh Cuddling … demonstrations upon request particularly for homeless children. And cats. Or if you have chocolate.

    Like

  160. Illustrious Executive of Red Wine Persuasion.

    I like it!

    Like

    athenarcarson9 recently posted Death with dignity.

  161. I take issue with the “no pants” tenet. I’ve seen some girls walking around with panties as pants. And no. Just NO. Sincerely, Rogue Empress of Meerkat Spies. (P.S. Not sure if Empress was one of the options, but I am making it so.)

    Like

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  162. Yarg, I LOVE IT. But I’m torn – should I chose “Rogue Duchess of Saggitarian Cuddling” or “Rogue Duchess of Kitten-like Throat-Punches” as my official title? I think I’m leaning towards the latter. Nobody expects a throat-punch from a kitten, but when they strike, they’re a streak of wild furred terror.

    Speak softly (makes ’em lean in real close so they can hear you, which puts them in reach of throat-punches and metal spork stabbing distance) and carry a metal spork!>:D

    Like

  163. “Never take advice from someone with bad eyebrows.”
    *unless said advice is “don’t ever do this to your eyebrows.”
    – Transcendent Chair of Walnut Whispering

    Like

  164. Swooning from the transcendent religious eecstasy, too overwhelmed to pick my title at the moment.
    You all are awesome.

    Like

  165. Notorious Pixie of Cat Judging/Grooming/Attitudes/Bondage/Dogma. I can’t decide!!!! Too many choices. Maybe I should pick 2 more so I can have one for each day of the week. What a great idea!

    Like

  166. Can we add: Eating off the spouse’s plate when their meal looks as good as or better than what is on your plate is expected? Thank you,
    ~Noble Ambassador of Cheese Fries Gospels

    Like

  167. OK, I would buy the fuck out of a shirt that said “The only weapons we believe in are books and we believe in heavily arming everyone.” Just sayin’.

    Like

  168. Ohh.. I’m thinking…–watch out for the smoke–
    Majestic Lady of Pear Declarations
    I’m kind of digging that..but, Dag-gum…that’s a lot of commandments. lol

    Like

  169. 170
    Bunnie Burket

    Rogue Pixie of Child Wrangling…. Now I need a tiara and it’s official!

    Like

  170. 171
    The Cat Lady

    Just call me the Transcendent Maestra of Cookie Dough and Queso

    Like

  171. As the authoress of “Thou shalt glitter-bomb assholes” I decree myself to be the Exalted Overseer of Lion Walking.

    Like

  172. I declare myself the Distinguished Lady of Oxford Comma Persuasion.

    Like

  173. I have chosen: Glittering Overseer of French Fries and Sleep

    Like

  174. My Twitter profile has been updated accordingly.

    Like

  175. Umm…question? Where do I pick up my pony?

    Like

  176. As long as the Helpful Hints/Life Hacks are available for reference, I am proud to be the Outstanding Duchess of Pizza.

    Like

  177. Love the chocolate-covered bacon. Yum.

    Like

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  178. Distinguished Czar of Poodle Snuggling – I’m happy to finally formalize it!

    Like

  179. I live by the words of Sir Paul McCartney:
    I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

    Like

  180. The Magnificent Arch-Nemisis of Sucker Punching has not only approved this post, but has become a devoted follower.

    Time to glitter-bomb assholes, and put the phantom tollbooth and a fork in my bag. And Chocolate, which should have been there anyway.

    Like

  181. thank you for giving us a religion we want and can follow……The Exaulted Agitator of Tiger Fundamentals and could we add good spelling isnt mandatory and spell check is evil?

    Like

  182. I realize supreme firebrand of leonine admonitions stetches the rules a bit but the ‘ine’ seems to make it…. maybe supreme firebrand of opal admonitions?

    Like

  183. I will donate my gravy as well as my bacon (can’t eat bacon for my other religion’s reasons!)

    Signed the Unorthodox Director of Snake Secrets.

    Like

  184. I am going to be Formal (it was listed twice, so I like it best) Arch-Nemesis of Gravy Accidents because nobody likes gravy accidents.

    Like

    Kristine @ MumRevised recently posted Bye Bye Boil.

  185. The Rogue Hooligan of Meatball Accidents, at your service.

    Like

  186. 187
    Jesse Colton

    I’ve finally found a faith that’s right for me! Sign me up. Although I may not follow all of the tenants of Bloggessianism. Like Captain Barbosa says, they’re more guidelines than actual rules.

    Behold, I am the Noble Lord of Hedgehog Snogging.

    Like

  187. Been reading comments, and now every time I read the sentence “glitter bombing assholes” a completely different idea pops into my head. Like you said, you just can’t un-see it. (by the way, I SAW IT, and having a camp that hosts a lot of Korean events near my house….thanks bunches, it all looks like that when you see their signs)

    Like

  188. The Dreadful Duchess of Cat Snoggings, thank you very much. I went with plural because you can’t snog just one cat. You need to lead with “tiny cakes made for squirrels.” Sold.

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted We Hate Siri, but We Love Us.

  189. The Baronial Overlord of Lynx Persuasion wishes peas and gravy upon all.

    Like

  190. I found myself a title: Notorious Instigator of Chicken Bathing. Chickens do NOT like baths http://wp.me/p1vaOK-2m
    This is a religion I could definitely belong too🙂

    Like

  191. 192
    Alysha, the Cannoncial Overlord of Owl Spies

    I, Alysha, the Cannoncial Overlord of Owl Spies hereby agree to follow the tenets of the Church of Bloggessianism.

    Like

  192. —-Jenny,
    when I said “Appear on my blog, ” I meant, I WANT to interview you! I’ve been known to beg, cry, stalk, & mail chocolate chip cookies or Saltine Toffeee! Seriously.

    Like

  193. Wow, I was a Bloggessian and didn’t even know it.
    Or maybe I always knew it, in my heart.
    – The Distinguished Overlord of Marmot Shaving

    Like

    Psychobabble recently posted Ripped Open.

  194. Official Protector of Cancers! YAY! We are members of Blogganism – hear us roar!!!

    Like

  195. I hereby dub myself, Canonical Loose Cannon of Peanut Butter Declarations!

    Like

  196. 197
    Msjismisjudged

    My ex used to be in Devo…yeah, I am serious. He also designed a Mars habitat ship for manned space trips to the red planet. So far, they only use it in the Utah desert and Iceland, but…well…he was in Devo. Anyway, if you are really looking to be some kind of Pope, I think that the Devo hat might be pretty useful.

    Like

  197. I’m SO glad I joined the Church of Bloggessianism for so many reasons.

    1. I don’t have to wait for communion day to drink wine.
    2. Gravy. (I love that I don’t even have to explain this.)
    3. I already have a title, but every other church has refused to recognize it.

    I am Shelley J, High Snarktress of the Sisterhood of Cubicle Ninjas.

    Like

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  198. 199
    Mad Hugger of Stark Raving Beauty

    I became the Mad Hugger in college to overcome my supreme shyness but I always coveted being a “stark raving beauty”. So now I can get them both. But my alter ego is Quilthugger, for those lazy days.

    Like

  199. 200
    SqualorHouseGail

    Couple of suggestions for refinements to our Helpful Hints/Gentle Suggestions/Life Hacks:
    *Members may COVET their neighbor’s giant metal chicken, but may not STEAL said giant metal chicken..
    *Members may substitute beverages and food referred to in the Suggestions according to their own tastes/religions/12-step programs.

    I would like us to convene a global meeting/campout/revival meeting. We’d need to give everyone sufficient lead time, of course. FOR REALS. We may need more than one, given our worldwide membership I volunteer to be on the committee.

    (signed)
    Gail, Glorious Strangeling of Bloggessianist Tribalism

    Like

  200. I am in! I will also be posterizing (that needs to happen by someone with better skills than I!) and posting the Life Hacks for ease of reference and spending untold hours trying on various titles for fit and giggles.

    Like

  201. I love this! So many options on titles, I may need a new one everyday

    Like

  202. Infallible Overlord of Pickle Braiding

    Like

  203. This is making my heart explode into a million tiny fairies and they’re all begging me to stop being too hard on myself…. Thank you for the whimsy. Thank you for the love. I adore you.

    (Also double Yay that my suggestions made it to your list of Life Hacks! :D)

    Love,
    Glorious Pixie of Nutella Break-Ups

    Like

    Miss Gee recently posted The Messed Up Adventures of the Glorious Pixie of Nutella Break-Ups.

  204. I did it wrong and got Official Official of Moon Moon

    Like

  205. If you start a church of dead cats let me know because that is the kind of organization that doesn’t pussyfoot around.

    Like

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  206. I am (and have always been) the High Minister of That Sound That Only Dogs Can Hear. You’re welcome. Also, I am moving to Costa Rica next year and will be a 20 minute drive from the Sloth Sanctuary, so I must have that card.

    Like

  207. 208
    goldy Schumacher

    I would have a pass phrase for each day ie: Tuesday could be “hold my beer, watch this”. Also important safety information to live by; such as, “don’t fry bacon naked”. Can we tithe with Godiva chocolate?

    Like

  208. 209
    goldy Schumacher

    Also, my name is “Part Time Sugar Plum Fairy” ’cause y’know, I have shit to do.

    Like

  209. I would like to appoint myself Grand High Priestess of Glitter Bombing. I shall serve proudly. After my nap.

    Like

  210. I am the Glittering General of Giraffe Gospels. Hope it pays better than School Office Manager. Gonna spend the extra money on a new desk nameplate. Can you call my boss about the mandatory nap thing? She doesn’t believe me.

    Like

  211. Wait, wait, WAIT. Something is very wrong with this picture.

    How have Rolly, Hunter S, and Ferris not yet received titles and roles/responsibilities in this new religion? Shouldn’t they get titles and responsibilities? I vote that Hunter S. be given the title of Most Eminent Badass. Ferris should get the title of Chief of the Travel and Leisure Department (first, because every religion should have a travel and leisure group or department. Second, that cat can seriously chill the fuck out. I still can’t get that picture of him on your staircase out of my head. But tell him that he really needs to cover up his (neutered) junk when he poses like that. It’s just common courtesy. Plus, he doesn’t want that photo to become a viral internet meme like Kim Kardashian’s ass photo).

    What title could Rolly have? I’m a bit stumped. I don’t know as much about him.

    Like

  212. Hey, this is fantabulous and holy crap, I need more gravy
    -Glittery Pixie Dust

    Like

    gabyking recently posted Sorry girls, there’s only room for one queen bee..

  213. I’ve decided that I shall be the Elegant Hooligan of Volcano Travel!
    Also this is the best religion ever, I’m completely in love with the life hacks. And shall do my best to follow them… but let’s be honest I’m terrible at remembering anything.

    Like

  214. Hmmm, I don’t know what this means but at first I read “Extra Gravity for Everyone” and I thought that was weirdly funny, as you are, and it was only later down the post that I read on the card “Extra Gravy for Everyone” and thought, well she spelled it wrong this time, it’s supposed to be gravity. And then I realized, everyone would like more gravy, and who wants more gravity. Sigh.
    ….Glittering Pixie of Banana Weaving

    Like

  215. After I finished laughing hysterically, I dubbed myself Furious Protector of Pizza Regulations.

    Like

  216. here here! behold the distinguished lady narwhal.
    hold your applause please….. okay carry on. and more gravy please.

    Like

    jennifer niles recently posted faux fur and military jackets.

  217. I’m in.
    Michael, Illustrious Chair of Bacon Dogma

    Like

  218. Speaking of wine slushies, Thursday is the day of Boujelais Nouveau wine slushies! Big celebration in France, you know.

    Like

  219. “Celebrate the awkwarding.”
    -Rogue Firebrand of Chocolate Declarations

    Like

  220. Since I already carry a metal spork…seriously…I used my birthday and favorite food to accept my new title: the Terrible Loose Canon of Tortellini Persuasion. Let there be gravy!

    Like

  221. You’re looking at Endorsed Superintendent of Dog Secrets. I wonder what dog secrets I am endorsed to supervise.

    Like

    kdcol recently posted It’s all about me.

  222. Today, I shall claim the title of Glittering Rapscallion of Wombat Trickery… because, well, why not? BTW, did you know wombats poop in cubes? I ran across that factoid last week and can’t stop telling people. It’s a sickness, but it’s ok, for today? I shall “Celebrate the Awkwarding!”

    Hey, can we have numbers/letters for these, so we can reference them, like chapter and verse? It could become our own little code. “No, sorry, but that’s against my religion, officer. Yes, I’m sure. See Tennant 42:DoubleChocolate.”

    Like

  223. Magnificent Overlord of Tiger Bondage. Imma gonna need me some boots…

    Like

  224. These names are a silly idea.

    Sincerely, the Terrible Blackguard of Mollusk Indoctrination. (Formerly a member of the Oyster Foister Cloister.)

    Like

  225. My ultimate blogger commandment….”Let them eat…Their own words!”

    Like

  226. Or simply My ultimate Blogger Commandment 1.01…”Let them eat their words!” if you prefer.

    Like

  227. Reblogged this on Arya Arden and commented:
    Ladies and Gents, please enjoy the ever fabulous Bloggess…

    Like

  228. Arch-nemesis book spy!
    I’m happier than I’ve been in months with that title. Your (our!) church is just fantastic.

    Another commandment:
    Thou shalt eat weird foods and not worry about judgy douche canoes.

    Like

  229. Arch-nemesis book spy!
    I’m happier than I’ve been in months with that title. Your (our!) church is just fantastic.

    Another commandment:
    Thou shalt eat weird foods and not worry about judgy douche canoes.

    Like

  230. I am Glittering Lady Unicorn of Attitudes. I would like to donate my gravy to the less gravied.

    Like

  231. Just because there has to be one in every group, “Saturday is now Caterday.” Would that be cater-day as in catered food because that would be ok. Or is it supposed to be Caturday, the day that cats take over the internet? I could go either way there, really. I’ll just go stand over there now.

    (It’s a day for cats or for catering, depending on your feelings that day. Just don’t get cat catering. Unless that’s catering to cats, instead of on them. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  232. Okay so if we have a meeting please make there be a West Coast meeting somewhere between Seattle and Vancouver BC that’s decently close to me and I could go but usually these kinds of meetings happen on the East Coast or Southern California and I could never make it so please make one on the northwest coast between Seattle and Vancouver. I said just Oakharbor Washington because it’s beautiful there and there’s lots of room for us to be crazy with an ocean view. Also I vote for nametags with our titles on them.

    Sincerely, the certified authority of sloth sleep. My tagline is going to be you can try to get in touch with me but I’m probably sleeping.

    Like

  233. About that mandatory bacon: can there be the option to substitute that with cheese? If not, sadly me being a vegetarian will keep me from joining Bloggessianism.

    Like

  234. Although I believe it is entirely David’s fault (whom else can we blame anyway?), but the double-apostropheed Choose Your Own Title had prematurely settled quite solidly in my brainstem, making it utterly impossible to bother with choosing anything remotely related to columns 1 thru 4. Since previously installing myself as the Chief Master Assistant Deputy Under-secretary for the Global Ministry of Liberal Sarcasm, I shall endeavor to uphold these philosophical tenets as well as anything else I have upheld.

    Like

  235. We brake for taxidermy. Also chocolate. And phantom Sasquatches.

    This feels more like a house sigil than a lifehack.😄

    Like

  236. Glittering Protector of Monkey Culture checking in. ARE ALL OF YOUR MONKEYS CULTURED? DO THEY GLITTER? Because if not, I’m gonna come round your house with a salt shaker full of glitter to glitter your monkey culture (which is NOT like a bacteria culture, but more like an opera-house sort of culture)
    (please note, no actually house visiting will be done #comingtoyourhousemeaslivingmine

    also can we have a new commandment please

    #commandment #hashtagsarealwaysfunny #especiallywhentheyretooobscureforhastaggingpurposes #orwhentheyreabouthashtaggingporpoises #porpoise

    Like

    Katy recently posted Bridesmaids Dress Number 3.

  237. I am the Eminent Arch-Nemesis of Spider Cuddling, at your service.

    Like

  238. Terrible Instigator of great white shark Persuasion asks: May I have a dogerday instead of caterday? I’m allergic.

    Like

  239. Regal Arch-Nemesis of bilby Regulations

    Oh yeah, I got this one covered.

    Like

  240. I am the Grand Advisor of Cat Cuddling. In case someone or some cat needs advice.

    Like

  241. You had me at no mosquitos.🙂

    Like

  242. I’m joining, because I can get Cadbury mini eggs all year long and also because I can give my gravy away. I don’t like gravy.

    Like

  243. Being unsure of exactly what signs were meant in column 3, I have declared myself the Exalted Duchess of Stop Judging. I think it suits me.

    Like

  244. 245
    Alice Fraggle

    This is TOTALLY the religion for me! From the Phantom Sasquatches, to reading from The Phantom Tollbooth on the Sabbath, I’m all in.
    My title is Recognized Hooligan Of Blueberry Shaving – which is appropriate because my husband & I have TONS of blueberry bushes!

    Like

  245. After finally achieving success at getting an 8yo to brush her hair on her own in the morning (by virtue of letting her brush her stuffies as well), I’ll dub myself the Honorable Protector of Panda Grooming.

    Like

  246. As the Rogue Duchess of Macaroni and Cheese Grooming, I completely approve this message.

    Like

  247. To the non-pork-eating readers — please substitute “FAKON” or “VACON” for bacon. It’s well within the garble-factor of most translations, so I’m sure once we get translated, everyone will admit to the veracity of smoke-flavored vegetable protein strips. 🙂
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vegetarian_bacon

    Like

  248. 249
    shadowflame66

    As the Magnificent Pretender of Crow Judging, I shall be sending my feathered minions out to hang about on wires and in parking lots judging those who do not follow these tenets. Or at least I’ll pretend I’m doing that.

    Like

  249. This is a religion I can totally get into!
    Sincerely, The Approved Rapscallion of Right Whale Shaving

    Like

    Vicki recently posted To touch or not to touch?.

  250. Quality articles is the secret to invite
    the visitors to visit the website, that’s what this website is providing.

    Like

  251. I am and always shall be, The Grand Director Of Yellow Mongoose Cuddling. My day is complete. Now I shall go back to bed and read for the rest of the day.

    Like

  252. My title is perfect: Noble Firebrand Of Horse Fundamentals.

    Like

  253. I shall henceforth and evermore (well, maybe not evermore, cuz I am a woman and can change my mind as much as I damn-well please, thank you very much) be referred to as the Grand High Pretender of Honey Badger Winking. I added the “Honey” cuz “Honey Badger don’t give a shit” and well, most days that sums me up perfectly!
    I sure wish I had my I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Because-It’s-Against-My-Religion-Not-To card when I was at the Dallas Aquarium in September as iwasthisclose to a real live sloth but the sign said “Don’t touch the sloth”. What nerve! I coulda whipped out my card and said “suck this, now move outta my way cuz that sloth is in need of some serious holding!”

    Like

  254. Today’s Random (awesome) Title: (I now have another daily “must do” – – thanks)

    Canonical Authority Of Grub Spies

    Like

  255. Can I just be Lois? (of the “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, LOIS. THIS IS CAMP!” fame)

    Like

  256. I would like to apply for the position Official Keeper of the (David) Tennant. Please ship him via police box as soon as possible.

    Like

  257. Noble Chief Of Lemon Shark Break-Ups here…Now I get to sit at work and decide if I am “responsible” for the Lemon Shark break-ups…like, am I a lemon shark home wrecker? Or do I get to make the final ruling on if a lemon shark couple should break up? Cause that seems like a LOT of responsibility…Or, perhaps I break-up lemon shark fights? Cause that seems bad ass…

    Like

  258. The name generator is fantastic. I approve of my new title: Noble Firebrand of Lobster Accidents

    I must notify the world of the sea-roaches and their misadventures!

    Like

  259. 260
    Distinguished Firebrand Of Koala Promotion

    Just had some extra gravy this morning. I think that means I’ve officially converted!

    Like

  260. The Furious Anarchist Of Protozoan Discipline demands that you keep your single cell organisms in line. OR ELSE

    Like

  261. Distinguished Director of Meat Digestion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSS.

    Like

  262. Terrible Executive Of Dragonfruit Communication. Love it!

    Like

  263. Furious Rapscallion of gerbil Gospels …. it’s really hard to fill out the alto and bass section of the choir

    Like

  264. The generator is marvelous! Today, I am Royal Blackguard of Dinner Indoctrination!🙂

    Like

  265. The random generator for the win!: Recognized Pretender Of Giant Squid Promotion

    It is like it knows me!

    Like

  266. Please let me know what hymns the chickens need to sing on holidays. I have some ideas, most of them involving cheese, but would like input from the officials. Thanks! -Infallible Director of Chicken Gospels

    Like

  267. I am so glad to have a title. I am now Noble Overlord Of Cashew Appreciation. Cashews need more love you see and need more air time, we need to bring them to the news!

    Like

  268. As always your post made my day. I needed a little more silly in my life this week. Thanks!

    Grand High Predicant Of Beans Appreciation

    Like

  269. I’m proud to be the Unorthodox Commando Of Meadowlark Gospels. The meadowlarks and I are going out on patrol and I’ll pass along the wisdom I receive from them when I get back.

    Like

  270. Unorthodox Pixie of Child Indoctrination

    Like

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  271. I am the Eminent Boss Of Carbohydrate Cuddling, which is oddly fitting right now….

    Like

  272. I love this church and shall celebrate with a Doctor Who marathon.

    Strong hugs and sloppy kisses, Distinguished Overlord Of Tiger Shark Cultivation

    Like

    Melissa recently posted The Chronos Files.

  273. Is Wil Wheaton a patron saint?
    Anjie, Accredited Predicant Of Snowy Owl Tasting

    Like

  274. Ceremonious Czar of Anaconda Accidents. I’ll take it.

    Like

  275. Commandment: Help Polydactal Cats Stay Off Heroin.
    Commandment: Remember, Your dazzle is out there!

    With much love and frivolity,
    Imperial Superintendent of Cake Weaving

    Like

  276. Oh God, oh God, oh God – I am the Outstanding Mastermind of Beaver Shaving. NOOOOOOO!

    Like

  277. Distinguished Officer of yeast Admonitions

    so much yes

    also ew
    but yes

    Like

  278. According to the random generator, I’m the “Royal Pixie of Pear Spies”. I can’t even begin to imagine what my duties would be.

    Like

  279. This is the best of all the things!

    -Sanctioned General Of Unleavened Whispering

    Like

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  280. Transcendent Duchess Of Scrambled Concepts.

    I approve this.

    Like

  281. I might be going to the Dallas Zoo this weekend. The sloth card is going with me.

    Like

    nerril recently posted What’s in a Purse?.

  282. My title is Official Taterpuff Wrangler [Taterpuff as in my cat, but also tater tots]. I promise to show the very highest responsibility in terms of belly rubbins and tail tickles, and decree that tater tots shall be made free for all members of the Church, for a given value of ‘free’ which in this case is ‘what your local store charges’.

    Like

  283. I’m the Glittering Lord of Long Dog Cuddling.

    Like

  284. I have to print a card because what could be better than the title of Rogue Pixie of Cupcake Grooming? Ha, ha!

    Like

  285. We dine at ten-thirty. I’ll provide the mimosas. – The Formal Officer of Brunch Promotion.

    Like

  286. This is a religion I can get into. sincerely, The Distinguished Duchess Of Bacon Culture

    Like

  287. Rogue Custodian of Cheetah Cultivation

    Love! I’m the RCCC. Or RC cubed…

    Like

  288. Never trust a guy in a turtleneck.

    Like

  289. Ceremonious Agitator of Lanternfish Digestion

    Like

  290. Certified Chief of Sandwich Travel

    Awesome! Now you all can be assured that the travel of your sandwiches will be safe, and will never be soggy!

    Like

  291. Thou shall get your slow ass out of the fast lane. <— My official life motto.

    Suze, Baronial Superintendent of Chipmunk Attitudes
    (those chipmunks better get their 'tudes in order! cracks whip)

    Like

  292. Just noticed that Column 2 is missing “Empress” as an option. I hereby claim the right to use “Empress” as an option because Fuck it, I’m fabulous.

    Therefore: I am the Glittering Empress of Travel Snogging.

    Like

    KWadsworth recently posted Giving Thanks To Me.

  293. Coming up with a title will take a few days. However, how about a suggestion of “do no harm to animals unless it is a giant squid; they shall be served up as a sacrifice at every available opportunity.”

    Like

  294. Grand Protector of the Pizza Gospels

    Like

  295. Dreadful Chief of Megalodon Cuddling reporting in for duty…as soon as I figure out how to cuddle a megalodon without getting thrown out of the museum.

    Like

  296. Okay, so… Monday I was at the hospital for a CT scan of my head (because my sinuses are assholes and the doctor told me I might have an infection in my brain…which turned out not to be the case, but it scared the snot weasels out of me nonetheless)…anyway, when I was checking in at the fabtastic little outpatient check-in counter, the lady asked me for my religion. She didn’t bat an eye when I first declared myself a Bloggessianist…but she quickly questioned my choice when she couldn’t find it on her drop-down list. I had to settle for a classification of “Other.” This made me sad. 😦

    Like

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  297. Love the random name generator. Henceforth, I shall be known as “Celebrated Knave Of Chipmunk Appreciation”

    Like

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  298. 299
    Dee, Just Dee

    Prominent Authority of Entree Weaving. What a letdown — that’s my real job title.

    Like

  299. Magnificent Custodian of Bandicoot Declarations here. Collecting declarations about our marsupial friends so I can guard them closely.
    Also, I’m really curious about our friend LOIS – did she get tough? Has she taken her newfound toughness back to middle school?

    Like

  300. May the sloth be with youth.
    Celebrated Premier Of Leghorn Fundamentals

    Like

  301. This is going on all of my business cards:
    Grand High Firebrand Of Thecodontosaurus Running

    Like

  302. Omg, I love mine!!!
    Grand Officer of Fire Gospels

    Like

  303. Henceforth, I shall be known as the Approved Lord of Shrew Fundamentals.
    SMELL MY WRATH!!
    Or smell a shrew. Whatever works for you.

    Like

  304. My wife and I are having entirely to much fun with this!
    Sincerely,
    The Grand Dutchess and Imperial Overlord of Scissoring and Bondage

    Like

  305. Exalted Knave Of Lion Scissoring

    Like

  306. Approved Ambassador of Chocolate Cultivation sounds pretty good, IMO.

    Like

  307. Exceptional Officer of Brown Bear Whispering!

    Like

  308. As the Canonical Firebrand of Pika Cuddling, I can only assume I am a very passionate bloggessian zealot who loves cuddling pikachus. And that’s all fairly accurate really.

    Like

  309. Thank you for the Random Generator – I’m bad at decisions. “Grand High Duchess of Ravioli Travel”

    Like

  310. Thanks for the Random Generator – I am really bad at decisions
    “Grand High Duchess of Ravioli Travel”

    Like

  311. “The only weapons we believe in are books and we believe in heavily arming everyone.”
    So much love for this commandment/life hack. I’m less keen on the mandatory onesies on christmas. Mostly because I don’t own a onesie. Is it enoughif I just admire those who do have onesies?

    Like

    margomusing recently posted Henry IV (Part II).

  312. Imperial Poobah of American bison Bondage. Yes.

    Like

  313. I’m more than a little frightened of my auto-generated name: Distinguished Commando of Banana Scissoring. It sounds painful. For other people, not me. But still.

    Like

  314. Accredited Instigator of Donkey Persuasion.

    Like

  315. According to the Random Title Generator, today I am, Outstanding Hooligan Of Pea Travel. Thankful it’s not Pee Travel.

    Like

    Sandy the Fearless Scribe recently posted I'm not done with my Christmas shopping, in fact I haven't even started.

  316. Koo Koo Kanga Roo is our heavenly choir.

    Love,
    The Notorious G.O.D. (General of One-of-Everything Dogma)
    Codename: Transcendent Mastermind Of Agouti Walking
    Reports to the Big Turk-E
    Also Kirk Cameron, pre-religious fervor. Show me that smile again.

    Like

  317. As the highly-regarded Royal Strangeling of Acorn Squash Cultivation, I’d like to add the following Sacred Life Hack:
    It is perfectly acceptable in any situation to say that an infant is so cute that you would like to “eat his/her face off” (including “with gravy,” or any other variation), without fear of being automatically labeled “cannibal.”

    Like

  318. I am know to be known as The ‘Glittering Authority Of Mole Sauce Bondage’.

    AWESOME.

    Although ‘Mole Sauce’ gives me pause. Before I accept the honour of this title, one MUST ask: is this sauce made OF moles or sauce FROM moles… because there’s a big difference, just imagine if someone offered you Man Sauce. Y’know, you’d check first😉

    Like

  319. Formal Director Of Cancer Cleaning fits since I am a cancer biologist and spend part of everyday cleaning cancer cell media. Truly this is a sign.

    Like

  320. I had so much fun with the random generator!!! At one point I was the Accredited Pixie of Cook Tasting and I read it as “cock tasting” and then my head exploded. Thanks for that, please pass the gravy.
    Cheers & awkward side-hugs,
    Sanctioned Overlord Of Hummingbird Communication

    Like

  321. *now to be known. I gots smarts dammit!

    Like

  322. Oh my God! I’ve always wanted to be an Accredited Knave of Spaghetti Grooming! I could never get the accreditation before!

    Like

  323. Very pleased to introduce myself as your Brilliant Overseer of Culture.

    Like

  324. 325
    Lou Ann Frala

    Baronial General of Soda Sleep. Random generator, indeed. But unless and until I come up with something … else … so be it. I believe it’s naptime.

    Like

  325. I shall forever be known as Glittering Pixi Of Shrew Break-Ups and no longer respond to my slave name Candace

    Like

  326. What about “really strong suggestions”, or “things my religion tells me I’m supposed to do”? That last one doesn’t sound quite as mandatory and scary as commandment but then you can tell people it’s one of the “things my religion tells me I’m supposed to do.” Feel free to replace supposed to with should.

    Like

  327. I love this but I don’t like gravy. Can I still join or am I a pariah?

    Like

  328. Celebrated Rapscallion of Strawberry Manipulation

    Like

  329. Illicit Loose Cannon Of Gingerbread Whispering

    Like

  330. I’m so happy to be the Unorthodox Czar of Triceratops Cuddling!
    I love Triceratopses.
    (That’s probably not the correct plural form? … New Bloggessianism Life Hack: The plural of Triceratops is Triceratöps. I love Triceratöps.)

    Like

  331. I got: Illicit Knave of flatworm Snogging from the “random title generator.” I’ll accept everything but the flatworm. I’ll snog pretty much anything but a worm. That’s….kinda a deal breaker. Maybe “Illicit Knave of Unicorn snogging.” done.

    Like

  332. 333
    Judi Waldeis

    Legal Anarchist Of Coypu Regulations. That’s me!

    Like

  333. Um, excuse me? Hi, sorry to bother, but I have my new title and I think there’s been a mistake. I’m the Endorsed Premier of Bacon Elimination. I… I can’t eliminate…I mean, BACON… Is there an HR department, or really a BR department, I can speak with? This is very upsetting…

    Like

  334. Best thing about my whole year is this blog post, also the only church I will join

    Like

  335. I, the Glorious Director of Thyme Shaving, gratefully accept membership in this most fabulous of religious entities. But I’m keeping my gravy. Bless you all, strangelings….

    Like

  336. Sublime custodian of Hummingbird travel

    Like

    Mary-Anne recently posted Community.

  337. “If I tell you, I will have to bedazzle you with my glitter wand” so says she the Glittering Director of ringtail possum Secrets.

    Like

  338. Glittering Overlord of Sea Turtle Spies. Yep, I down with being a loyal member of the Church of Bloggessianism!

    Like

  339. I was worried that I would not be able to join your religion because I really do not like gravy. But, you saved the day when I could give mine to someone else! Thank you. Also, I am bad at making decisions on a snap basis so the name generator saved my life.
    Forever your disciple,
    Malinda. Rogue Director Of Peach Concepts.

    Like

  340. I knew I was right to wear jammies in public. Love, Terrible Rapscallion of Utahraptor Communication.

    Like

  341. Imperial Overlord of Waffle Tasting. Yes. Let it be.

    Like

  342. The Accredited Czar of a Rice Pudding Agendas officially suggests commandment addition as follows: Though shall not use the word “Panties” unless chastising someone for using the word “Panties”. Let’s face it, it’s a creepy ass word generally used by creepy people.

    Like

  343. Finally a religion that makes sense! I shall live up to all expectations of my new title with gusto!
    Sincerely,
    The Legal Czar of Buns Admonitions

    Like

  344. Thou shalt never have to weigh yourself. Ever.

    Like

    Marianne recently posted Wonder Woman vs. The Swamp Thing.

  345. I just told hubby that he is an official member too since we are married and he must pick his title. He said he is the Viceroy of He Who Vernaculates With Bloggess Vernacular. Which is much better than Earl of Missing Testicle, but maybe not so much…as introducing yourself with the testicle title at a dinner party will surely stimulate conversation, right?

    Like

  346. Archduchess of Sea Monkey Stylists

    Like

  347. I almost went with the Unorthodox Strangeling of Cinnamon Sucker-Punches, and that might be my secondary name. But the next one to randomly generate was totally me.

    Endorsed Lady of Tadpole Gospels.

    Yup. That’s awesome. In honour of finally finding my proper title, I’m no longer going to do the extra work I brought home and instead, I’m going to relax and do it tomorrow morning. Yay!

    Also, I bequeath my gravy, most times, to those in need. Except if I need vegetarian gravy for my fries. Then it’s mine, bitches.

    Like

  348. 349
    Unorthodox Instigator of Platypus Cuddling

    So, I liked the name I initially gave myself, because I used to be a practicing Orthodox Christian, so it kind of makes sense that in Bloggessianism, I should be an UNOrthodox something or other. AND, I think there should be someone around to instigate platypus cuddling whenever possible, because those little guys are so darn cute.

    But then your friend’s random name thingy gave me the title of Legal Knave Of Gorilla Fundamentals. Which also works because I am a lawyer, so being a Legal something or other seems fitting. But I’m a bit confused about what gorilla fundamentals are. Would that mean things like letting my knuckles drag on the ground when I walk, and shit like that?

    So I will spend most of this evening not getting any sleep, pondering which name to go with.

    Like

  349. 350
    Rachel (in the Woo)

    Furious Pixi of Artichoke Judging — I had no idea this would be perfect for me, and yet it is.

    Like

  350. 351
    Wendy Roberts

    As the Unorthodox Director Of Dip Travel, I you for taking the hassle out of selecting my new name. And to make me love you even more, you have given me the option of randomly selecting a new name when this one doesn’t fit! Peace and gravy to you all!

    Like

  351. Noble Pixie of Glitter Grooming

    Like

  352. Darn, I tried the generator again and now love my new title even better! Henceforth, I shall be known as the Outstanding Director Of Porcupine Grooming!

    Like

  353. Sublime Agitator of Corn Snake Scissoring, hmmm does this mean i’m in charge of upsetting snakes that are mid coitus? Done and done!!!

    Like

  354. 355
    dizzygoddesski

    I’m either the regal blackguard of unread page elimination or the transcendent lady of peace cultivation. I guess depending on my mood for the day.

    Like

  355. 356
    Rogue Advisor of locust Cuddling

    Thou shalt not shalt others – love it!
    Rogue Advisor of locust Cuddling

    Like

  356. I like that generator…Accredited Custodian Of Mutton Spies has a ring to it that even supreme firebrand of the opal admonitions lacked. Now I just have to figure out what a mutton spy is and how to custos it

    Like

  357. I just refreshed the generator about 10 times. My last, and favorite, title: Honorable Superintendent of Fiddler Crab Appreciation. Sounds good to me!😉

    Like

  358. Dear Pope Notorious Lion Whisperer. Im confused. My new faith means I wish to follow the commandments, but if I follow the commandments it means I CANT follow thy commandments. Specifically ‘thou shalt not take advice from someone with bad eyebrows’. In good conscience I must confess that you, dear pope, creator of commandments, have bad eyebrows. Eeek. They’re kind of hooked. And a bit thin. I never would have said anything but now it’s a matter of religious piety. Forgive me For I have sinned, or not sinned? A brow makeover for you? Amen.

    Like

  359. Oh I am loving the name generator!
    Kind regards,
    Brilliant Premier Of Straw Winking (I’m pretty sure that means I am magical!)

    Like

  360. You heard my cries! (Sigh of relief for the generator)
    -Angie
    aka – Elegant Instigator of Cardinal Whispering

    Like

  361. “Brilliant Pixie Of Tadpole Manipulation” I just heard my soul sigh🙂

    Like

  362. 364
    Julie Galbraith

    So much fun! ~ The Notorious Duke of Serpentine Discipline. 🙂

    Like

  363. As Royal Duchess of Bacon Tasting I can honestly say that I have been searching for a religion such as this my entire life and couldn’t be more excited to find it now.

    Like

  364. This is fantastic. I finally have a title I can be proud of.
    Thank you,
    Approved Premier Of Jalapeno Training

    Like

  365. Wow. I am the Sublime Custodian of Library Persuasion. Awesome.

    Like

  366. Grand High Protector Of Bighorn Sheep Judging. Perfect.

    Like

  367. I just found these today! Clearly they are meant for you. http://www.thegreenhead.com/2014/11/gravy-flavored-candy-canes.php

    Like

  368. “Unorthodox Lady of tuna Shaving” now taking appointments.

    Like

  369. It is I, Prominent Ambassador of Ocelot Cleaning; bring me your ocelots, I will make sure they sparkle. This new title makes me feel like I need a cape.

    P.s. Thanks for making me smile yet again, Jenny. Please pass the gravy (and the ocelots)!

    Like

  370. I’m the Grand High Rapscallion of Harpy Eagle Running…. Love it! Thank you for the smila today, really needing it.

    Like

  371. …and my day is made.

    Signed,

    Majestic Advisor Of Gouda Cheese Concepts

    Like

  372. My randomly-generated name is Eminent Custodian of Oil Communication. Which is super weird to the point of being creepy, because I work for an oil company. And that name would be a perfect job title for me.

    Like

  373. 375
    Pat F from MA

    Carry on and hug more sloths.

    -Grand High Instigator of Mashed Potatoes Judging-

    Like

  374. I”m more than a little excited to be hereby and henceforth know as: Legal Overseer of old English sheepdog Break-ups

    Like

    terib19 recently posted Those crazy Smith kids!!.

  375. I want to be the Formal Rapscallion of Cheese Discipline.

    Like

  376. Although… the generator gave me “Canonical Lord Of Panther Communication” and I like that, too.

    Like

  377. I need to taste EVERY tortilla out there people, coz I am now the Formal Custodian Of Tortilla Deconstruction. Every single tortilla, y’hear? Please pass the salsa. And gravy.

    Like

  378. Picking for myself, I’m quite fond of “Magnificent Pixie of Cat Secrets.”

    Using the random generator, however, I am: “Glorious Protector of hot dog Cultivation”

    Like

  379. I am in; DatDamWuf, Magnificent Wuf of Procrastination

    er the random generator disagrees but it came close! Canonical Ambassador Of Snail Training

    Like

  380. ok, this random name generator thingy is awesome…..but I have decided that I am the Grand Czarina of the Secret Apocalypse Gravy Reservoir.

    Like

    katiemetzroth recently posted Confession.

  381. Also, I really want to hang out with the Royal Duchess of Bacon Tasting!

    Like

  382. Exceptional Boss Of Ferret Judging.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Search Term Tuesday: I Left The Most Disturbing Out.

  383. Though this post brightened my day, I was still far too crabby and my mind just a little to squishy today to come up with my own title. Off to the random generator and I’ve been named:
    Honorable Loose Cannon of Sour Cream Accidents
    I’m not sure if I should laugh or be offended, but then I remember- It is always better to laugh. Besides, I have had a few sour cream accidents in my life. Perhaps the generator is not so random, after all, eh?

    Like

  384. My randomly generated title is Honorable Lord of Rhode Island red Tasting though I think I still prefer Legal Advisor of Pizza Canon.

    Gravy pizza perhaps?

    Like

  385. “Time is a “wibbly wobbly concept” and therefore deadlines are portals that must be avoided unless we’re okay with being trapped in a rift.” I am an Aquarius. I don’t like being trapped, especially in rifts… I’ve seen those episodes. And the only tenant is David Tenant, emphasis on the ten… I can totally get down with this religious experience.

    Like

  386. Notorious Lord of Bear Running. At first, I mistook it for Bare Running. Good thing the neighbors weren’t home when I tried my new name out!

    Like

  387. I had to try the random generator 4 times to get just the right title. You may all address me as the Recognized Loose Cannon Of Loris Culture. You’re welcome.🙂

    Like

  388. My random title is: Terrible Predicant of whippet Regulations. I totally approve.

    Like

  389. Make way for The Imperial Pretender of African Wild Cat Whispering!!! Or not, it’s up to you. There’s nothing better than a nice relaxed religion. Bloggessianism is pretty danged wonderful that way.

    Like

  390. “Transcendent Premier of Eagle Indoctrination” I’ll have cards made. The eagles need me.

    Like

    Angela recently posted Transform 30 – An Update on My Progress.

  391. Woman! I think you know not what you create and how in many, many years from now after we are all gone, there will be stories told of us all, churches built in they honor and factories opened for the sole purpose of creating both regular and vegetarian gravy. Thus sayeth I, The Illustrious Lady Of Avocado, Cheese and Pickle Sandwhiches.

    Like

  392. Sandwiches!

    Like

  393. Is it weird I saw “Strangeling” and thought “Strangling” instead, which made me think of homicidal monkey hugs?

    WHAT? It’s a logical thought progression!

    Like

    Jess at No Pithy Phrase recently posted Oh Skymall...you dirty dirty bird....

  394. 396
    Rachel CrazyMum

    Whenever I have to fill in form that request my occupation, instead of writing Stay At Home Mother, I can now write Noble Instigator of Bakewell Tart And Custard Indoctrination. Make it so!

    Like

  395. 397
    Rachel CrazyMum

    My 13 year old daughter (the Certified Chief of Unicorn regulations) wants to be my assistant. Most excellent!

    Like

  396. Brilliant Superintendent of Tiger Spies. Sounds good.

    Like

  397. Is it possible to contact the creator of churchoffools.com to launch this? It’s an online church where you create an avatar and all. Lol

    Like

  398. Exalted Pixie of Narwhal Communications

    Like

  399. I couldn’t decide so I left it up to the generator and I am now the Legal Director of Giraffe Promotions. I’m totally down with it!

    Like

  400. Had to add a comment, because you were at 399. And my OCD kicked in – I figured you’d prefer a nice, round 400. Signed, Sandi (aka, the Notorious Knave of Black Tea Promotion).

    Like

  401. Royal Overlord Of John Dory Running

    Is my title, I love it, I own it, I will print a membership card and hold a poodle and eat pickles and bacon and I want it all.

    Like

  402. Random name generator to the rescue. I am currently Royal Rapscallion Of Knife Regulations. That’s comforting because I’m feeling a bit stabby today. I totally bookmarked that web page so I can keep generating new titles. Can I put these on my resume?

    Like

  403. One time I started a religion called “Cake.” It had 3 tenets: 1. Sometimes, you eat cake. 2. Sometimes you sit/lie around and moan “caaaaaaake.” 3. This religion does not conflict with any other religion.

    Like

  404. Random name generator nailed it. How did it know I was a lesbian?

    Infallible Hooligan Of Virgo Scissoring

    Like

  405. Illicit Poobah of parsnip Whispering

    Best. Title. Evah!

    Like

  406. Rogue Arch-Nemesis Of Lemonade Travel

    Like

  407. 409
    Baronial Strangeling of Eggs and Dairy

    I hereby bequeath my alotment of bacon to The Bloggess, as tribute.

    Like

  408. The generator is a blast. I can’t decide if I want to keep my self-generated title “Honorable Protector of Panda Grooming” from earlier in the week or go with the new one: ”
    Celebrated Overseer of breakfast Accidents”

    Oh the dilemma. Can we ahve two? They’re small.🙂

    Like

  409. Recognized Chair of angelshark Tasting

    I will taste this shark but only with my required gravy and bacon and side of pancakes!

    Like

  410. I see Pixie, but I’d rather be a Fairy. And so I dub myself the Noble Fairy of Summer Camp Indoctrination

    Like

  411. Majestic Rapscallion Of Black Swan Indoctrination

    Makes me sound sorta badass and important

    Like

  412. Grand Premier Of Elasmosaurus Training
    Yes!!

    Like

  413. Very Discordian. Hail Eris! Very funny too.

    Like

  414. I am so joining, if only to get rid of this icy cold weather. Go away weather! You’re against my religion!

    Like

  415. I was very rudely interrupted while reading all the new commandments. I think “thou shalt not interrupt someone reading the last ten pages of a book”, should be changed to “thou shalt not interrupt anyone reading anything at anytime even if it’s a label on a can at the grocery store”. Amen, and now off to get my title. That is if I don’t get interrupted!

    Like

  416. My randomly generated title is Brilliant Overlord of Curds Fundamentals. Now who’s in charge of the whey?

    Like

  417. After refreshing a couple times because of my lacking motivation to look up what words meant, I settled upon: Rogue Ambassador Of Pop Persuasion. 🙂

    Like

  418. My life hack: Always take time for belly woogies, be they for kitty, doggie or human.

    Like

    Beth B recently posted Your forecast for the week of Nov. 17.

  419. 421
    DarkDisneyPrincess

    The Accredited Lady of Snake Weaving

    Like

  420. I have always yearned to be Glittering Skald of the Snow Leopard Spies. Never did I dream I would bear my rightful title anywhere but inside by own brainlet.

    Like

  421. Exalted Boss of Nibble Persuasion.

    Hmmm. I think your name generator could also work to find out my pornstar name….

    Jenny, could you please put a link to the name generator on your main webpage….I’m sure I’ll want to come back and use it again and again, it made me laugh!

    Like

  422. Glorious Lady Of Flamingo Secrets. I can live with that. In fact, I can run with it,

    Like

    Janet Coburn recently posted Books, Etc. – Books as Mashed Potatoes.

  423. I am so definitely the Notorious Lady of Snake Bondage.

    Like

  424. I used the title generator, and could NOT be more pleased with my title: Canonical Loose Cannon of the Oxpecker Gospels. Weep at how perfect it is. I have claimed it, and it is mine. (oops! Am I violating the first life hack?) Extra gravy for all! There, I recover through gracious magnanimity.

    Like

  425. Also, lifehacks from a wise friend: There are no medals for “sucking it up”. You don’t have to go it alone. Seek help if you need it. Give help if someone else needs it.

    ~ Canonical Loose Cannon of the Oxpecker Gospels

    Like

  426. Approved Strangeling Of Antares Walking

    Like

  427. Terrible Loose Cannon Of Sweet Deconstruction

    I like it. Posted here in the comments so it can be recorded in the annals.

    Like

  428. Thou shalt not be judged for eating food loudly when it is inappropriate to be eating food loudly.
    Thou shalt not be judged for asking for extra syrup or condiments.
    Cake is an appropriate meal for any time of day. Except when it is hot. Then only ice cream is appropriate to eat at any time.
    Awards to everyone who is clumsy enough to trip over their own shadow. (including me.)

    Also, I think that bloggessianism needs an official induction into the religion, preferably including gravy.
    ~Transcendent Predicant of Poodle Culture.

    Like

  429. Everything that was wrong in my life is basically right now, having read this.❤

    Like

  430. So you can marry someone?

    But I hope you don’t. I actually thing weddings are better performed by airy “faith” types who seem softly oblivious to how wrong, wrong, wrong things can really go.

    Ignorance is bliss.

    Like

  431. Honorable Hooligan Of Pie Training!!!

    Love it (˘︶˘)

    Like

  432. Illustrious Official Of Pudding Discipline! Love it. 😀

    Like

  433. In the spirit of giving during this Thanksgiving season, I shall give my gravy to those less gravied. I shall do so while wearing my snow bear pajamas 24/7.

    Love, the Rogue Custodian of Spaghetti Squash Gospel

    Like

  434. In Honor of My newly found religion, I shall spread the gospel of Bloggessianism. Free Sloth Hugs for all! Extra Gravy! Fear not the giant metal chicken, Beyonce brings salvation and tacos on Tuesdays!
    Sincerely, Infallible Rapscallion of Reptile Promotion aka April

    Like

  435. I have bad eyebrows. There’s nothing I can do about it😦

    Like

  436. I am the Imperial Protector of Chinchillas. That didn’t make me cry. Nope.

    Like

  437. Certified Pixie of Peanut Butter Bondage, reporting for “doody”!

    Like

  438. Thank you, Goddess Bloggess.

    Gravyly yours,
    Ceremonious Superintendent of Megamouth Shark Tasting

    Like

  439. I love this. That’s all. ♥ Much love and gravy from the Illicit Agitator of Gemini Running. (I think I’m going to get myself a name change for Christmas. This describes me perfectly.)

    Like

  440. From this day forward I shall only answer to: The Glorious Anarchist of Tiger Bondage

    Like

  441. I pledge myself to Bloggessianism.
    Sincerely,
    Glittering Overseer of Hexagonal Indoctrination

    Like

  442. Too much pressure! I’m content to be a strangeling as I sort this out.

    Like

  443. Illustrious Rapscallion Of Cupboard Declarations. YES.

    Like

  444. Noble Lady of Popcorn Tasting! Many woes come with holding this title, all of which are stuck in my teeth….

    Like

  445. Noble Lady of Popcorn Tasting. Many woes come with upholding this title, all of which are stuck in my teeth.

    Like

  446. 448
    Kelly (@comicmizchief)

    Notorious Lady Of Sea Anemone Snogging
    Absolutely.❤

    Like

  447. My dad, who has dementia, is totally sloth-like of late. I hereby extend your Hug a Sloth card to allow you to hug my dad.🙂 My post today links to this one.

    Like

    emilypageart recently posted Hug a Sloth – or my dad – Today.

  448. 450
    kimchinachos

    I am the Elegant Firebrand of Blueberry Pie Dogma!
    The church of Blogessianism should incorporate pie into its daily regimen as well.
    Just sayin’.

    Like

  449. 451
    Bobbie Awesomesauce

    I’m terribly late commenting on this post, but I blame that on the fact that I moved halfway across the country at the beginning of October to start a new job, and as a compulsive procrastinator, I felt it necessary to not accomplish anything un-job-related for at least the first couple of months so as not to lose myself entirely. I would like to add a commandment for the Church of Bloggessianism:
    It is hereby decreed that all Bloggessians must start their day by assigning themselves a name from the Benedict Cumberbatch Random Name Generator and refusing to answer to anything other than their randomly assigned name for the following 24 hours.
    — Submitted by Wanda’s Crotchfruit (but don’t call me that tomorrow because I won’t answer to it)

    Like

  450. Have I told you lately how much I love you? –

    Bri
    Aka Visionary Bri, Magic Miss Bri and Nashoba, the Native American Mermaid
    “Illicit General Of Art Secrets”

    Like

  451. I am the REGAL MASTERMIND OF ROADKILL CUDDLING!!!!! BOW DOWN

    Like

  452. 454
    Steve the Fan

    I’m sure I posted my original title here before, but I can’t remember what it was and I can’t find a post about it. I’m sure it was something about cuddling narwhals. But anyway, I’ve just generated a new one and I’m now ‘Endorsed General of brunch Fundamentals’ and I think I’m even more qualified for this.

    Like

  453. ENDORSED MASTERMIND OF WORM WEAVING.

    Like

  454. 456
    Julia Parks Opat

    I AM THE ENDORSED MASTERMIND OF WORM WEAVING. THOU SHALT NOT PUT WORMS ON FISH HOOKS!

    Like

  455. I love you – but when my niece showed up to my dad’s funeral wearing slippers and pajama pants, I decided that the word would be a better place if all pajama pants were put in a pile and set on fire. Other than that, I’m on board.

    Like

  456. I am observing a day of watching bad tv and/or reading in bed. You can call me the Sublime Anarchist of Mocha Travel. It’s lovely getting to know you.

    Like

  457. I printed this out and added it to my “Wellness Recovery Tool Kit” my special notebook of things that make me feel better when I am o n the verge of an episode of depression or mania. Accidentally printed out all the comments too, so have tons of scrap paper to boot. Thank you.
    Sublime Anarchist of Peace (I am allowed to change my name, no?)

    Like

    Jenny Gargruella recently posted Flash Lightening.

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