Just get through Thanksgiving.

Tomorrow I’ll be spending Thanksgiving with my in-laws.  I never cook anything because I can’t operate a stove without the smoke alarm going off but I did offer to make the turkey this year just so I could make this:

cthurkey

It’s a Cthurkey and it was invented in Texas, because ofcourseitwas.

My offer was declined for some reason.

Another year of not cooking.  Everyone wins.

 

117 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Awesome! I’m with you. NEVER offer to cook. I’m bringing wine. Pretty sure I won’t screw that up.

    Like

    Cassandra recently posted Thanksgivings I Have Known.

  2. I may never eat again.

    Like

  3. I almost burned the house down a few years ago trying to make the homemade version of those French’s fried onions that you put on top of the trashy/amazing bean casserole. This year I’m just in charge of picking up pies from Costco.

    Like

    The Dusty Parachute recently posted My Love / Hate Relationship With Christmas Cards.

  4. Everything but the octopus looks yummy to me. I have NO idea why they declined such a thoughtful offer.

    Like

  5. I just love that there is bacon on top. That is bacon, right!?!

    Like

  6. Did that turkey throw up an octopus?? At forty-three I’ve managed to keep my lifelong streak of never cooking a holiday meal in tact! I did buy cupcakes and scored a free pecan pie so my work is done. Happy Thanksgiving to All!

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    fillyourownglass recently posted These Are the Police Officers That I Know.

  7. Damn! Why did I learn to cook again? Everybody is coming here.

    Like

    Elyse recently posted <i>That Look</i>.

  8. No. Just…No!

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  9. My god…it’s…it’s beautiful.

    Thanksgiving has already been and gone for us Canucks, but I must remember this hentai facehugger turkey for next year.

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    Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted A deep thought on a slow Tuesday..

  10. This is awesome. I should offer to make this for the Friendsgiving I’m attending this year.

    Like

  11. That looks terrible and I WANT ONE.

    Like

    Wendy recently posted Blue Wooden Snowflake Beaded Necklace by NerdyNecklaces.

  12. What the freak? Ima barf right now on my Jell-o ring.

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  13. As an Italian-American, I have no problem eating octopus and turkey and crab and bacon. Mmm. What’s not to love?! Although I think it would be more appropriate for Xmas an the feast of 7 fishes.

    Like

  14. Don’t be mean. That poor turkey was born that way.

    Like

    notquiteold recently posted Close Enough.

  15. I’ll be cooking for the first time, but I luckily got out of the turkey job. I could maybe see why they declined your offer. But that is a very clever way to get out of it.

    Like

    Jessie recently posted A blogger experiencing a bad day...just read your search queries.

  16. It’s…it’s staring into my soul… /o_o\

    Like

  17. Skip the cooking – cater! For $70, all I need to do it pick a full turkey dinner with all the fixins up from my local Hyvee.

    Like

  18. I can think of about ten people I know who’d love that. None of those ten people are in my family, however.

    Like

    KWadsworth recently posted Now, Tomorrow, Forever.

  19. Oh my god that is horrific! Just scared the pee out of me. Although I do love crablegs! Woo hoo thankfully I don’t have to cook. I’m only making deviled eggs. Happy thanksgiving to you and yours Jenny!

    Like

  20. Even though I’m a vegetarian I would love to invite you to our house for Thanksgiving just so you could bring that dish. It would be be BEST THANKGIVING EVER! Really and truly.

    Like

    Gina W. recently posted This entire post is about sex and inappropriate touching. Really..

  21. I just finished making my Tofurkey. Tagline: invented in Portland. (Next up: pumpkin cheesecake.)

    Tomorrow I’m just reheating and eating. That’s the plan.

    Like

  22. I just finished making my Tofurkey. Tagline: invented in Portland. (Next up: pumpkin cheesecake.)

    Tomorrow I’m just reheating and eating. That’s the plan.

    Like

  23. Bwahaha. I’d leave that out just to scare the crap out of my in-laws!

    Like

    Kim recently posted What I Am Thankful For.

  24. I would make that turkey if I didn’t already have all the ingredients for a bacon turkey. Because, bacon.

    Like

    Foxy Wine Pocket recently posted Foxy’s First Thanksgiving Ended on a Sour Note.

  25. Is this our new overlord for Bloggessarism?

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    Liz recently posted Well, I Did It.

  26. I would seriously eat this. It looks yummy.

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  27. Looks like everyone would really need a lot of extra gravy to enjoy/survive that.

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  28. Excellent thinking on your part. Because of course no one wants squrkey:). That is squid, right? Or is it octoturkey? Like Octopussy but less badass? I’m going to offer this next year and I’ll bet you I get a buy in the kitchen:). You’re a genius.

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    candidkay recently posted Look at what we made.

  29. I would eat the hell out of that thing.. someone throw me a tentacle.

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  30. Cthurkey you say? Sounds….delicious! I’ll bring the gin.

    There is just one thing missing…gravy. Bucket loads of gravy!

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    Ruebi recently posted Shut your face!.

  31. But it’s so entertaining!

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  32. AUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

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  33. I may never sleep again. WTF…Who? Why? NO!

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  34. Okay, the picture is…well…something, but your heading “Just get through Thanksgiving” is the best part!

    Like

  35. That was just scary to look at. And then I saw the bacon and I was strangely drawn in.

    Like

    Manicmom recently posted The Weird, Obscure, or Slightly Silly: Thanksgiving Edition.

  36. thats the most disgusting thing hahaha- no thanksgiving here in london, but i took the day off work anyway!! http://thewanderlusthasgotme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/where-to-travel-in-2015.html

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    gina recently posted 12 things you'll recognise if you've house shared.

  37. Eeeek! Get that thing away from me!! Seperately, you could have a fish entree (i.e. first course) of crab and octopus then have the turkey as main course. I think that would be better than the horror that is combining it all into one!

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    Eleanorjane recently posted Column dressing and working with what you've got.

  38. Everyone loves the person that brings wine instead of the offspring of Cthulhu.

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  39. That is absolutely magnificent.

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  40. I would so serve that. Now I wish I could cook.
    I took my daughter grocery shopping yesterday and bought everything. I then informed her that the raw materials were my contribution and I fully intended to sit at her place and lift NOT ONE FINGER to do anything but eat. Strangely enough she is OK with this arrangement. (My children are all good cooks. They claim they learned in self defense)

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  41. I think the best part of that is that he did it for his family, someone else posted it to the internet, and he had NO IDEA until the reporter called him!
    Happy Thanksgiving y’all… call the family, call the friends, don’t call Cthulu.😉

    Like

  42. Jesus tapdancing Christ that thing is scary. I may never sleep again.

    Like

  43. OMG. If my boyfriend didn’t hate seafood so much, he would love this!

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  44. Well, the good news is that I am no longer hungry. You saved my jeans from some serious struggle since I about to pound down some leftover Halloween candy!

    Like

    The Dose of Reality recently posted Gobble, Gobble!.

  45. That reminds me of the doll on Toy Story with the erector set legs.

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  46. Oh, God. The original story has this line, “…and deep fry the whole thing.”

    I love Texas, sometimes.

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    Bon Steele recently posted Lo, there do I see my players….

  47. That might turn me vegetarian.
    Might.

    Like

  48. some people will do anything to get out of cooking thanksgiving dinner for the hoards……well done, you!

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    Mary-Anne recently posted Sayings.

  49. I start a new job on Monday. I usually host Thanksgiving. Not this year. Nope. We’re all going to Cracker Barrel…yee haw.

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    Michelle recently posted No More News.

  50. Umm… how did you fail to comment on the fact that the inventor of this dish specifically serves this on a Nazi serving platter (complete with swastika image on the bottom) that a friend bought in an old abandoned Luftwaffe base in Germany?? Because why WOULDN’T you serve it on an old Nazi platter?!?

    Like

  51. Modern twist on a turducken. What’s the problem?

    Like

  52. 53
    Elizabeth Bennett

    Cthulhu lives! No, wait…but I did pee myself a little and cried even more laughing at this, the funniest visual joke this old lady has seen in well, a long while. LOL, Jenny Lawson, my friend! It’s perfect. Perfectly terrifying.

    Like

  53. We now do brunch. Waffles, fruit, mimosas, bacon, sausage, coffee with cream, hot apple cider. Takes about 60 mins to cook, about 30 mins to clean up, I get the rest of the day to myself, and the kids don’t have to choose between my house or their dad’s. Everybody wins.

    Like

  54. You know how in nightmares you never really see the thing that’s chasing you? I’m pretty sure you just showed me a picture of it.

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  55. I’m a little scared of that picture. It looks like it wants to crawl through my computer screen and devour me. o.o

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  56. I like turkey. I like bacon. And if it comes from the sea, chances are I’ll eat it. But combined like this sorta makes me wanna vomit.😦

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  57. I don’t host Thanksgiving anymore because I ALWAYS have a complete emotional breakdown…the last time it wasn’t until everyone was eating and someone asked me to switch off the light on my turtle tank because it was shining in their face. I exploded and insisted that the turtle lives here and that the guest doesn’t and that the turtle has every right to not have a disruption in his UV cycle just because one man doesn’t like the light. Then I stomped upstairs crying and locked myself in my bedroom. Happy Thanksgiving, gobble gobble.

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  58. I am laughing so hard at this post and the comments that my eyes are leaking.

    I am also about to send this link to everyone I am having Thanksgiving with tomorrow and Friendsgiving with on Saturday after work. Oh, this just made working Black Friday ALL better.

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    Kelly and Geoff recently posted The identity of Lightbringer – a theory.

  59. Chthulu ftw. I’m really glad I wasn’t drinking a beverage when I saw it, though. The through-your-nose effect can be a bit uncomfortable.

    Like

  60. This should be the Thanksgiving equivalent to the Elf on the Shelf.

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    Sandy the Fearless Scribe recently posted A reminder in light of recent events.

  61. I don’t know – it’s wrapped in bacon, it can’t be all that bad…

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  62. I plan to take a page out of your book…and eat that instead.

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    Psychobabble recently posted Ripped Open.

  63. I was all for throwing up liking at that then I realised it still had bacon so was saved.

    Have good one everyone, no turkey here in the UK for another month and I’m cooking the Christmas dinner just so I get to stay at home and east what I like.

    Like

  64. Looking not liking, damn phone auto correct

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  65. WHY DID YOU BURN THIS ON MY BRAIN????????????????

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  66. 67
    Mary, Fairy Godmother

    Thanks Jenny……….I can never unsee that. But it does kind of remind me of the alien injected turkey we had at my in-laws last year.

    Like

  67. I shouldn’t cook either. Beer is my contribution, because everything gets worse if the family event runs out of alcohol.

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    Geoffrey recently posted The Worst Thing I Have Done.

  68. The hell is thaaat???

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  69. After a few bottles of wine…they won’t notice that the turkey looks like something from a “horror movie”. Lol

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  70. Absolutely awesome! I’m glad you posted this today; I still have time to make one for tomorrow!

    Like

  71. It’s cthoughtful of you.

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    kimicalreaction recently posted Well Read.

  72. I’m supposed to make the turkey this year… I don’t know if I can now. Every time I look at a turky I’m going to wonder wtf is lurking within.

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  73. That… is… TERRIFYING.

    I love it.

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    Sophia Ball recently posted And now I feel old. I’m terrible at titles. I’m sorry..

  74. 75
    SqualorHouseGail

    Have pity on me, Strangelings—I’m going to ‘out’ myself and admit I don’t know what the “cthulthu—whatever” reference is? I know I’ve been;pretending to get the joke….I just know that it’s scary and possibly some kind of overlord?

    Meanwhile, at damn-near 54, I’ve never cooked a holiday dinner (yet). I’m bringing the cake!

    Happy Thanksgiving to the US-based Blogessians and a “Have a lovely Thursday” to the non-US members!!!

    Like

  75. Something horrible happened to that turkey’s asshole. I think it might be some sort of poultry STD.

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  76. This is for squalorhousegail and anyone else who is confused: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cthulhu

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  77. I making turkey dinner for 12 on Thanksgiving Day. After seeing that turkey picture at the top of this post, I am going to have to make a run to the store for some extra ingredients!!!

    Like

  78. Thats a lot of drumstickiness hmm wonder where thst turkey caught crabs….?

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    cupcakethegreat recently posted Its realy about hope.

  79. I feel like I’ve achieved a lot by convincing my family that mixing sour cream and a little garlic in the mashed potatoes will not bring the world to an end. I don’t think Cthurkey will fly at our house.

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    kstewand4cats recently posted Philosophy 101: Cats Falling Over.

  80. You are one smart lady. Next year I’m supposed to be hosting and making the turkey. I think I’ll announce that I’m making THIS turkey and then we’ll see what happens.

    Like

    kdcol recently posted Happy Thanksgiving from COL!.

  81. ROFL! I would SO love to have you help with dinner!!😀 Happy Thanksgiving, Jenny.

    Like

  82. 83
    Cynthia Flannigan

    What would you have done if they had taken you up on your offer? Happy Thanksgiving.

    Like

  83. Dude, if you could make it kosher, please make it and bring it to my house.

    Like

  84. It looks like a face hugger that I could eat!

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    nerril recently posted What’s in a Purse?.

  85. I am totally stealing that idea everytime someone asks me to cook. Life Lessons from Jenny 101.😀

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    janice recently posted What I Do When I Do Nothing.

  86. What a great plan! I didn’t have to do anything quite so extreme to get out of cooking but I enjoyed that it worked for you. Happy Thanksgiving! ~Kathy

    Like

  87. It’s funny, but I’d happily eat any of those individual critters, I love octopus, turkey, crap, and bacon, but together, they freak me out!

    It’s actually relatively easy to cook Thanksgiving dinner, you just have to A) plot everything out on a timeline (but give yourself plenty of time for the making of each dish on that timeline) and B) take advantage of any minions who show up to do the tedious stuff like mashing potatoes, setting tables and washing dishes. I’ve hosted Thanksgiving dinner 5 times and have been shocked at how it all seemed to work out okay. We’ve seen so many stupid sit-coms where people forget to turn on ovens and the like, I kept expecting things to go awry, but they never did. All the actual dishes of Thanksgiving are simple to make and a turkey is just a super-sized chicken. I’m usually a crap cook, I can’t make a cream sauce or do fancy, involved recipes, but I can sure make stuffing and mashed potatoes.

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  88. …er, “CRAB”, not “crap”. 😉

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  89. Holidays are easy in my family. My mum-in-law has 2 sisters and the 3 of them are ORGANIZED! FEMA should hire them. I provide the house. They do everything else. Even the plastics bags for leftovers. They would vacuum at the end of the day if I let them. It works for me. 🙂

    Like

  90. Is that a bacon comb over? Happy Turkey Day all because thanks should be had whenever we can muster it.

    Like

  91. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. Thank you for all your wonderful posts. I’m more of a lurker but truly appreciate your site.

    Like

  92. 93
    Carol Anne Fusco

    One of the things that I am most thankful for this year is that I have become a faithful reader of The Bloggess. Thank you, Jenny, for all you do to make this world a more wonderful and weird place. You are so loved! Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

    Like

  93. this will haunt me for every thanksgiving to come.

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    Simone recently posted Why readers make writing so much more fun.

  94. …and now I can’t sleep tonight after seeing that thing.

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    tanktronic recently posted Ferguson : The Right Fight, The Wrong Time.

  95. 96
    SqualorHouseGail

    @MaryHS—thank you so much for the link to Wiki!! No idea that it went back to Lovecraft!!

    Like

  96. Turcrabpus!

    Like

  97. That is SO COOL! If your in-laws don’t love you by now (which of course they do because you gave them a granddaughter), they at least should be starting to know you.😉

    Like

  98. Makes me truly glad that we don’t do the thanksgiving-thing in Norway. I’d take the wine though…

    Like

  99. OHHH so THAT’S how you get out of cooking!

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    Amy - Toothbrush Travels recently posted Brighton.

  100. Anyone know where the “Unsee” button is?
    Anyone?

    Like

    The Hook recently posted The Hook’s Rules (Ten Of ‘em, At Least.).

  101. I don’t know why they turned you down. That looks delicious.

    Like

    One Funny Motha recently posted Pre-Thanksgiving Gripefest, An Annual OFM Holiday Tradition.

  102. Needs more bacon, I think!

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  103. 105
    mylifeaslucille

    Because Tur-duckin is just not heinous enough.

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  104. Dibs on a claw. So I can play with it afterwards.

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  105. YUMMY! Cthurkey beats the crap out of Tofurkey any day.
    meow meow meow

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  106. And queue the nightmares again…. honestly, I don’t know why I continue to subject myself to your website Jenny…. Oh yeah. ‘Cause you’re awesome =)

    Like

    PinkNoam recently posted The End is Nigh!.

  107. Cue gag reaction….

    Like

    Laurie recently posted Who are You? Three Questions to Ask Yourself....

  108. There’s never a blog post from you that doesn’t make me laugh so hard I snort. I LOVE your blog. And the photo was pretty awful and wonderful. The bacon saved it.

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    Fran Tunno recently posted The Cutthroat Annual Tunno Pumpkin Pie Contest.

  109. The bacon MAKES this.

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    rosyroland recently posted Black Friday, Can You Just Not?.

  110. It should be called “The Cracken”…

    Totally looks like the Cracken.

    Like

    Alanna recently posted I’m Grateful For Things That Never Stop Being Funny.

  111. I totally agree that this looks like the Kracken, I told my husband that this must be a thanksgiving version of the Kracken, as a play on turducken, but Cthurkey is awesome too🙂

    Is it weird that the only part of me that is grossed out is that they photographed this on the oil splotched paper towels? I mean c’mon, you’re going to make the most epic turkey ever and you can’t even stage it on your dining table before taking a photo?!

    Like

  112. I think I had this once at a little pub in Innsmouth, a place called The Book of Dead Names. Washed it down with a pint o’ Shoggath’s Old Peculiar. It were perfectly squamous!

    Like

  113. This makes me reminisce about playing Half-Life.

    Like

  114. I wish I’d seen this post before Thanksgiving. It would have been a much different day.

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    Karen Marie Peterson recently posted It's time to vote for your 2014 Karen's World Blog Award Finalists!!!!.

  115. That’s probably one of the most unique things a person could eat on Thanksgiving.

    Like

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