All week I’ve been hearing this awful noise that sounds like the hurk-hurk-bork of a cat throwing up, and so I’d run through the house to find the guilty kitty so I could put him on tile rather than have him throw up on the harder-to-clean carpet, but each time I’d find all of the cats in the hall, just staring at me like they were totally innocent and wondering why I’d interrupted their meeting. And then I finally was like, “Fuck this, cats. I’m just gonna stand here until one of you fuckers tries it again. I’VE GOT ALL DAY.” But then they just looked at me, because turns out they have all day too.
And then I heard it again and turns out it wasn’t the cats.
It was the toilet.
The toilet was gurgling and making noises like a cat vomiting, and I thought that seemed odd because toilets don’t vomit and are more likely vomited into, but that noise was definitely coming from the toilet and that’s when I realized that my toilet is probably haunted.
Seriously. I can hear it even now. It’s like the ghost of someone who ate a bad burrito is in there. Or maybe it’s the spirit of a long-dead dog who is drinking from the toilet, Frankly, I have no idea how to handle this and I don’t know whether to call a plumber or an exorcist.
I tried to research it and google was like, “Way ahead of you. Here’s what other people are searching for:”
Conclusion: Toilet poltergeist are fucking everywhere.
It’s getting louder and now I’m officially scared of the toilet. I’ve just regressed back to age 3. Awesome. I blame the toilet.
I told Victor we need to call an old priest and a young priest and he said I was being ridiculous and that “it’s probably just air in the lines”, which is just as scary as toilet ghosts because if there’s air in the lines that means that toilet snakes and sewer alligators now have the oxygen necessary to crawl up our toilet pipes without drowning. So now I can’t sit on the toilet without first screaming and kicking the toilet a few times to scare off any snakes that might be near the surface, which is going to be difficult to explain when we have company over. Thanks a lot, Victor.
Victor said that if it kept happening he’d call a plumber to “snake the lines” and I just stared at him because that’s the exact opposite of what I want. If anything I want someone to de-snake the lines. Then Victor explained that “snaking the lines” doesn’t have anything to do with real snakes but after this summer’s “We need to expand the fire-pipes under your house” confusion I just don’t trust anything. I’m considering changing out the toilets for small buckets, and now I know why everyone used chamber pots in the Victorian ages. It was probably because of all the alligators.
These are the things they never cover on the History Channel.