Number one, I’m gonna need you to be honest here…

It’s been awhile since we’ve had a good poll so I thought I’d get your opinion on a question I often ask during uncomfortable silences:

By the way, one of these answers is mine.  10 points to Gryffindor if you guess which.

 ******************

And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

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Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-awesome:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by SilkWords, the go-to source for steamy interactive women’s fiction. Two formats are available: branched fiction (“pick your path”) and linear stories produced with reader participation.  Holiday Cruise is the latest branched story.  “Erin’s friends drag her on a weekend holiday cruise to distract her from a breakup. What erotic adventures await?”  Click to find out.

130 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I never understood people who pee in pools. Not even regarding the other people, but why would you want to swim in your own pee?!

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    Tempest Rose recently posted It’s Time to Stop Fucking Up.

  2. Thank you for the laugh🙂

    Like

    Ann St. Vincent recently posted Online dating sites aren’t for job hunters. Really..

  3. I think your answer is “I’d suspect the lifeguard was lying so I’d get a glass of lemonade and pour it into the pool while yelling, “WHY ISN’T THIS TURNING RED, LIARS?”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m always up for a good polling, my Bloggess!
    Wait, that didn’t sound right…
    Can I start over?
    Anyone have a TARDIS?

    Like

    The Hook recently posted How To Travel With Kids During The Holidays – Without Killing Them..

  5. Um, there’s no option here for taking your toddler into the pool with you so if the water turns red when you pee you can blame it on them. Way to skew the results.

    Like

  6. I am gonna go with the last one being your answer cause you are a rebel like me.🙂

    Like

  7. I went with the lemonade pouring, cause I”m fairly certain these “chemicals” still don’t exist. I think yours is the one about not peeing in pools because you can’t pee in front of others!

    Like

    mrwillshot recently posted 10 Awesome Aphrodisiacs.

  8. I’d sneak in a baggie full of cherry Kool Aid and secretly open it up while no one was looking.

    Like

  9. I’d avoid the pool, because I know damn well at some point I’m going to pee in it. It’s not a deliberate urination, but something about swimming pools creates temporary incontinence. Plus I just realized Temporary Incontinence is a good band name.

    Like

  10. Peeing in pools is mankind’s last true freedom. HANDS OFF MY FREEDOM, TYRANNICAL LIFEGUARD!

    Like

    Erin Joan Snyder recently posted WTF is The Cloud, SaaS and AWS?.

  11. Your response is probably peeing and then claiming the red spot as your private area. That’s mine, anyway.

    Like

  12. You left out the last option which is:
    I’d swim fast & furiously away from the odd red area around me that had just shown up while screaming, “I was framed!”.

    Like

    Joanna recently posted Beware the ball; more tales from the Tess & Oreo files.

  13. Where is stand next to someone else, pee, and blame them?

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  14. Where’s the option for leave the pool, return with some red food dye, and sneak some into the pool water?

    Like

  15. Is there a “Sorry, we’re broke country folks, we swim in a lake” option?

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  16. “the warm spot is mine fuckers”, has got to be yours!

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  17. I needed an option for, “EEEWWWW! I don’t want to swim in my pee or anyone elses!

    Like

  18. NOW WE KNOW WHO PEED IN THE POOL!

    Like

    susielindau recently posted Boulder Twinkle – A Photo Essay.

  19. I’m slightly disappointed that the poop option isn’t winning. Outstanding imagery, though.

    Like

  20. … oh, gonna need a Snickers for that one, btw

    Like

    tanktronic recently posted Find Your Desirability Score!.

  21. You know I only figured out those chemicals were a lie when someone told me AFTER I had peed in the pool. Who doesn’t pee in pools as a child? Plus pee is sterile, even if it’s gross. When you find out all water has been on earth since forever – that’s when you realize what they aren’t telling you: when you’re drinking it’s already been someone else’s pee!! Maybe Gengis Khan or Adolf Hitler or Typhoid Mary?! The possibilities are endless!!

    Like

    Grace recently posted What It Looks Like.

  22. Is yours the last answer? Or personal space?
    And the amount of chlorine they use would probably kill the new chemical.

    We swim in the lake. One year we were sitting at the water’s edge and when we got up we were covered in little lake snail shells sucking to our skin. Oh fuckety fuck. I thought – What if one made its way to my vagina?! Pee would be the last of my worry.
    PS – no snail invaded the vagina.

    Like

  23. Thanks for reminding me about this book – “Empty Mansions” = Amazing! The other book written about Huguette Clark “Phantom of Fifth Avenue” is interesting as well. “Mansions” is the better first read, since it lays out the history and lots of information. “Phantom” is a decent follow up as it’s more about her personal life, although it feels a bit gossipy at times.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. 24
    funtimesahead

    But I am in hufflepuff. Why would I wanna help qriffendor get ahead???

    Like

  25. I used to totally pee in pools but I apparently have matured or something since and now I don’t… but I totally pee in the shower.

    Like

    J Rose recently posted The Real Reason Cats Knock Cups Over.

  26. Red… interesting choice. If the pee is streaming out of me into a red puddle, can I scream ‘look mom I just got my period? Or is that crossing the line?

    Like

    Kristine @ MumRevised recently posted Crap. I Think It Might Be Me..

  27. I think the third one is yours

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Because It’s Just Not Christmas Without….

  28. I finished “Room Service is Closed,” which you recommended on one of your “shit I did when I wasn’t here” posts….thanks for the recommendation, it was quite funny. It didn’t make me laugh til I cried like your book did…but I enjoyed it quite a lot. Working in customer service related fields for most of my adult life, I can relate!

    Like

    hollie recently posted Oops, he did it again!.

  29. Your readers are friggin’ scientists! But you knew that! (And as far as peeing in the shower goes, that is simply water conservation and to be admired.)

    Like

    notquiteold recently posted The Bad Influence.

  30. Definitely pee. I do everything I do for science. Science, and world domination. But mostly science.

    Also, that book list kicks some serious ass and I would joyously buy every single one if those goddamn cats would just stop hoarding all the money.

    Like

    Otherkin recently posted Life's a beach: It's nicer in the summer..

  31. I’m definitely a #1, but I think you might be #6 since you said it with the most passion.

    Like

    The Dusty Parachute recently posted Enter to Win the Dusty Parachute Console-ation Prize.

  32. This just made me replay the scene from Grown Ups when all the dads pee in the pool and it turns dark blue and all the kids run out of the pool screaming because their dads are gross lmao. Also, I’d totally pour lemonade or something in it just to see. Or blame it on my kid. HAHAHAHA

    Like

  33. Love your polls, is this your answer I-‘d pee on purpose because that way I’d have my own personal space. I’d be like, “The warm red part is mine, fuckers.”

    Like

  34. i love peeing in pools.

    It makes me feel free.

    Like

  35. 35
    DaveTheTallGuy

    I think your answer is the lemonade, because it’s all caps. I like to think I’d do the first (I almost said #1) but I’d probably chicken out.

    I believe pee and sweat are almost indistinguishable in a swimming pool, and everyone sweats. Which means the pool should look all swirly all the time. Which would be cool. But they don’t.

    Like

  36. mmmmm. lemonaid……

    Like

    itzybellababy recently posted #BringBackOurGirls, Day 250.

  37. 37
    davethetallguy

    I think my answer vanished. Apologies if this shows up twice.

    I’d like to think I’d do the scienc experiment, but I’d probably chicken out.

    And I think you would do the lemonade becaus ALL CAPS!

    I remember that sweat and pee are almost identical as swimming pool contaminants. And almost everyone sweats. So the pool should be a really cool collection of swirly clouds. But it’s not.😦

    Like

  38. 39
    Bussetta (@_Bussetta)

    Last one is yours! I bet!

    Like

  39. The t-shirt is beyond awesome! And those cats are living far better than me and my feline…I may have a jar of pennies my Muggsy can roll around on.

    Like

    fillyourownglass recently posted I Don’t Know Why, I Just Do.

  40. And this is why I hate public pools. That and the unlimited number of bandaids floating around.

    Like

  41. This is why I don’t go to public pools. That and the unlimited number of band-aids floating around.

    Like

    Ponies & Martinis recently posted My Dog Ate My Daughter’s Poop.

  42. My answer is not on the list: Turn red with embarrassment because I accidentally peed before he said anything and now everyone is looking at my red pee stream.

    Like

  43. I think you’d pour the lemonade into the pool.
    I grew up near the ocean, I think nearly everybody peed in the ocean. Except me because I can’t when anyone is looking. I was so shy as a child that if a public restroom was so busy I didn’t have an empty stall on each side, I couldn’t pee if I thought someone could hear me. Which is funny because some adults sound like a race horse when they pee.

    Like

  44. I picked the do it for science, because I am a science teacher and I know that anything that would react to urine would also react to about 300 other things so no one on the planet would ever actually put it in the pool as it would scare off customers.😛 I’m calling their dang bluff!

    Like

  45. I’m a little disturbed by the t-shirt. I always liked Yukon Cornelius and was afraid of the Bumble. Now childhood memories are tainted.

    Like

  46. OK, a serious question here. Your adorable “abomination” shirt — Zazzle says the model dude is a giant (6’10”), and yet he is wearing a medium? How long are these shirts, anyway?

    BTW the shirt is super adorable. I love the Bumble.

    Like

  47. Your answer is the last one. I can see you as a shy pee-er.

    Like

  48. You LOVE science, so of course it’s #1.

    Like

  49. Definitely yours is “the red part is mine”.

    Like

  50. I have to ask if this method breaks the uncomfortable silence or just makes it more uncomfortable?🙂

    Like

    candidkay recently posted Reviving a lost art.

  51. I would so pee in the pool just to see what happens. Because science. Duh. And I’m a troublemaker like that.

    Like

    Kim recently posted The Night the Bathroom Looked Like a Crime Scene.

  52. I think your answer is the last one….

    Like

    Mary-Anne recently posted A house full of memories.

  53. I’m going to guess the second one, with the lemonade, except throw in an expletive.

    Like

    Manicmom recently posted Be well, Katie.

  54. And this is why I don’t swim in pools.

    Like

  55. I would definitely just assume that everyone was on their period and spend my afternoon handing out tampons.

    Like

  56. You pee just a tiny bit to check. Not enough that a big bloody colored pool trails you when you swim away. Then of course you know he’s a liar. Not that I’ve done this or anything….;)

    Like

  57. Love the B&N list. Since I already have your book, I’m going to have to buy “People I want to punch in the throat” because I’m pretty sure I would have written it if I wasn’t spending way too much time on Pinterest.

    Like

  58. I think the last answer is yours

    Like

  59. I think I’d pee a little and when someone gave me a nasty look, I’d cheerfully respond with “It’s OK, it’s just my time of the month”, to see if that made them feel better or worse.

    Also, now that I’ve read this, I suddenly need to pee.

    Like

    Kate recently posted making faces :: coral orange crush.

  60. You gotta do it, because science

    Like

    The Hungry Dog's Lair (Martin Conterez) recently posted Black and White.

  61. “They’re all gonna laugh at you!”

    Like

  62. I would absolutely pee on purpose even though I’ve never peed in a pool (the sea doesn’t count right?) … But then if the water started turning red I’d probably start thrashing around like I was being murdered in the pool or something, which would make people swim straight into my pee to save me. Hopefully.

    Like

    PinkNoam recently posted Hey Kids! Here’s a film with some REALLY bad acting!.

  63. Fantastic poll. I reckon you’d do it on purpose to be defiant and also because, you know, bladder control ain’t want it used to be🙂

    Like

  64. Never pee in a pool. That’s what the ocean is for.

    Like

    notesfromthebathroomfloor recently posted ‘Tis The Season.

  65. Do you want the honest answer (the last one) or the one we wish we’d though of and will try to remember if this ever actually happens (the poop one)?

    And technically wouldn’t that make you “pissed ON” if other people do?

    Like

  66. 67
    pepperjackcandy

    I don’t think that lemonade would work, despite its visual similarity to relatively dilute urine. Urine is a base, and lemonade is acidic. You would need to go to the janitor’s closet and get some ammonia. That should test out the theory pretty well.

    Speaking of urine, I had one of my cats in for a workup and after they were done, they called me back saying that there was something odd about his urine and that they would need to send it for more testing. I asked if he was developing a bladder stone or anything, and the vet said that it was nothing like that. The test results came back and the vet called me to say that his urine was extremely dilute, which she was concerned about. I said, “he drinks out of the faucet.” She admitted that could very well be the cause of the dilute urine.

    Like

  67. I fairly certain 10% of pool water is pee. This explains why when my daughter saw her cousin spitting water fountain style at the family bbq she yelled ” ewwww that’s butt water, mooooom he put but water in his mouth!”

    Like

  68. I’d neeeeeeeeeeeever evvvvvvvver pee in a pool & I’m totally disgusted by assholes who do.
    I wait to pee in the bathtub.

    PS. I’ve ALWAYS wanted to put one of those peanut candy bars in a pool. You know, like in Caddy Shack.

    xx Kiss from Duluth.

    Like

  69. Duh. Obviously, I am peeing. It is for science people.

    Like

    The Dose of Reality recently posted Pinterest Nightmare #585: Ho Ho…NO!.

  70. What is up with those cats?? What are they doing and why are my lazy cats not out earning that kind of cash? Very disappointed and when I told them, they yawned. Sigh. I think you would do the lemonade test.

    Like

  71. None of the above. I’d demand to know what “chemicals” the lifeguard had put in the water. Are they safe? Is my skin going to fall off now? You can’t just shout “chemicals” at people and not expect them to have questions!

    Like

  72. I agree with Bobbyplatts above – read both books and enjoyed them.

    Money is awesome – because then you get to just decide not to deal with people and stay in and play with your dolls, and it happens.

    Like

  73. I’m going to guess that your answer is the one with the word “fuckers” in it.🙂

    Like

    wsm recently posted Death before public speaking.

  74. Where is the choice I don’t go in the pool since watching the South Park episode called Pee?

    Like

  75. If a life guard said something like that I’d have to test it out to be certain and if not, I’d out that guy.😉

    Like

    TheJackB recently posted Hunger Does Strange Things To Men.

  76. Remember in the movie “Caddyshack” there was a hilarious scene with poop in the pool? Well, that for real happened a year ago when my son was at the Y for swimming lessons (it wasn’t him thankfully). In reality that moment was not as funny as it was in the movies. By the way, there was no color change in the water. Just thought you’d like to know that. 🙂

    Like

    Gina W. recently posted That time I gave birth (post includes pic of me without make-up).

  77. I would swim around with a red food color bottle and squeeze it under water at people as I swim by! . . . I may just start doing that anyway

    Like

  78. 80
    MasterofMadness

    …Well, you know what they say — Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

    Like

  79. Ewww, Gryffindor? Slytherin all the way, baby.

    Like

  80. I’m guessing the last one is yours. No peeing in pools for me, but I will pee in the ocean, but I try to look all nonchalant and walk away from my family. The kids always seem to follow though. And that sure is a lot of cats and a lot of cash. I don’t know if those cats should be trusted with all that cash…

    Like

    kdcol recently posted Sweet baby Jesus! A Christmas heist story.

  81. This reminds me of a pool fact I heard recently–the more people pee in the pool, the more chlorine-y the water will smell because ammonia & chlorine bond and blah blah blah (I stopped paying attention at that point). So…ponder that next time you’re at the pool.

    Like

  82. Since I was a child I thought all pools did this automatically, so I only pee in rivers and streams.

    Like

    Jane @ The Blue Morpho recently posted That Serial Killer I Dated, Part I.

  83. Im going with your answer is lemonade. Also – Empty Mansions – greatest book – I went to the town her Dad built and got the book from the wee museum there.

    Like

  84. Can we get the holiday shirt available on mugs and stuff? I want to get my friend one for Christmas, but he’s not going to wear it.

    Like

  85. Do that many adults really pee in pools? Surely it’s like littering; lazy, selfish and inconsiderate? I mean, you don’t want to swim in anyone else’s pee, so why would you make others swim in yours?
    So many questions, I’m disappointed.

    Peeing in a public pool isn’t freedom, it’s being an asshole.

    Like

  86. Perfect answer!!!

    Like

  87. I did have someone tell me that when I was a kid. I floated around until all the adults weren’t looking and peed JUST A LITTLE. No red cloud. I moved to another part of the pool and tested the theory until I was satisfied that it was yet another elaborate trick meant to confuse and startle me. And probably to stop me from peeing in the pool. TYRANTS!

    Like

  88. Jenny, Jezebel found another taxidermied friend for you!
    http://jezebel.com/perfect-craigslist-ad-offers-badass-tatxidermied-bobcat-1671088341
    I imagine him as a bartender, beer next to left paw. Like a terrifying version of “Cheers.”

    Like

  89. Where is the key to the 80 heroic women?

    Like

  90. I really think just adding red cordial to the pool in sections quietly behind peoples back would be hilarious and shock the lifeguard…, heaps of fun.

    Like

  91. Ok. On your shirt thing? It says “model is 6′ 10″ and wearing a medium” ? LOL Am I just overly tired???

    Like

  92. These questions are always so provocative. To pee or not to pee…

    Like

    Musings, Rants & Scribbles recently posted Adventures in Journal-Keeping.

  93. You know all those instructions for homemade cleansers that warn not to mix bleach and ammonia because it can make toxic gas?

    Don’t pee in a chlorinated pool. Pee contains ammonia. Chlorinated pools contain dilute bleach. Enough kids pee in that pool and I’ll hope it’s an outdoor pool.

    My favorite sigh:
    WELCOME TO OUR OOL! Notice there is no “P” in it…let’s keep it that way!

    Like

  94. (Why yes I am a bit of an insane worrywart, why do you ask?)

    Like

  95. The lifeguard is just jealous, he probably has prostate problems and can’t pee standing up, never mind in a pool.😉

    Like

    ktcatpaws recently posted I sat in cat poop today..

  96. #3 has to be yours. Love this poll.

    Like

  97. I have 5 kids still at home. 2 in diapers. I could TOTALLY get away with peeing in a pool, and blaming one of the toddlers. Not that I would, of course.

    Nope.

    Never.

    But I could

    Like

    The Imp recently posted She’s Just Not Right.

  98. And b/c I’m all sciency and shit, allow me to point out that we’ve ALL swam in our own pee. And ingested it.

    That’s how the pre-birth gig goes.

    You’re welcome for that thought.

    Like

  99. 21 % of you people are angrily pee-shy like me. I love you guys. Seriously.

    Like

  100. I have loved your shirts before, but I NEED this one! But alas, Zazzle doesn’t like Canadians.

    Happy Holidays to you & yours, Jenny.

    Like

  101. Ahh, what a great start to a Monday morning; my experience with public peeing is usually in a lake in the mountains, a lake that is so cold you can’t even go due to the shock after jumping in. It’s so angering.

    Like

  102. So funny! Oh goodness I don’t know what I would do…

    Like

  103. My answer was not a choice: Assume they are lying because, seriously, the pool is half pee all the time anyway. I mean just look at all those swim diapers not turning red.

    Like

  104. Kid: but everyone pees in the pool
    Parent: not from the DIVING BOARD!

    Like

    Jill S recently posted Joy in Christ- Share it like the kids.

  105. Eewwww… none of the above? I don’t pee in pools and I’d really rather not swim in anyone else’s pee!

    PS – peeing the ocean is okay ‘cos it’s so damn big (and a lot of sewage gets pumped in there anyway).

    Like

    Eleanorjane recently posted The pleasures of hibernation.

  106. If it turns urine red, then what happens to blood? Not to mention that the people who didn’t hear the announcement would freak the hell out when red stuff starts coming out of someone.

    Like

    Alanna recently posted An Interview With Yours Truly (Stuff You Never Needed To Know).

  107. True story. My mom taught swim lessons at a public pool when I was a kid. So one day the pool manager told my sister and I that he added a chemical to the pool that would turn the water some color (green? red?) if we peed in it. Why WE were the prime suspects and not the hundreds of other kids using the pool, I have no idea. So what did I do? Promptly hopped in the pool and peed just to test him. Nope, no special chemicals in the pool. And in unrelated news, apologies to the adults who may or may not have swam in some extra pee the rest of that summer.

    Like

  108. All public pools would be a permanent shade of red if this was true. Pretty gross, kind of like when I was little and went to the dentist. He would give me a little red pill that stained my teeth and showed how crappy I was at brushing my teeth. I just realized this post makes no sense, but it’s Monday, so that’s my excuse.

    Like

    mmaxwellbey recently posted hot pink, birthday bubbles, and a unicorn.

  109. I’ve heard that red stuff works by reacting to urea. Sweat has urea. Do nasty, sweaty armpits also turn the pool red? Because science.

    Like

    Jillian O'Connor recently posted Merry whatever — here’s your card from my delightful family.

  110. I’d call his bluff by peeing in the pool, from outside the pool.

    Like

  111. I’d Pee in the pool and start screaming OH MY GOD I GOT ATTACKED BY A SHARK EVERYONE RUN, RUN, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE POOL….

    Like

  112. I gotta believe it’s the last one…which is exactly what I’d do because EWW to people watching me pee.

    Like

    Jess@NoPithyPhrase recently posted Molon Labe.

  113. Okay I know this post isn’t about taxidermied (I also know that’s not technically a word but I made it up, and it seems fitting, so there) anything but I figured I could still leave this link right here: http://jezebel.com/perfect-craigslist-ad-offers-badass-tatxidermied-bobcat-1671088341?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

    I saw it and thought of you, and if you decide to buy it, I hope your husband doesn’t blame me.

    That is all.

    Like

  114. 3 night-night bags in the bag! One for each of my own sweet angels!

    Like

  115. Why was there no option for “I would accuse him of being a liar because I already peed in the pool and the water didn’t turn red.”?

    Like

  116. Sitting here sobbing feelin greatful .Its hard enough to find out you have cancer and feel like your lost with no where to turn. I just keep praying for a miracle that all of my sickness will go away and that I will be able to work to provide for these kids who have had nothing but a hard life.Thank you for giving me hope again and Jenny thank you for this site.

    Like

  117. Question is, how do they account for the “I was framed” pee. The sneaky person that stands close to you for a second, the area turns red and then slopes quickly away. Awaits cries of “I was framed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” coming from a swimming pool near you.

    Like

    Vicky recently posted I Feel Good in December.

  118. Where is the option for “I would be paranoid that the water around me was turning red even if I wasn’t peeing?”

    Like

  119. And if they asked me WHY I peed in the pool, I’d be like “science. Duh!”

    Like

    Moni recently posted Chuckles the Wonder Tot.

  120. My boyfriend’s cousin told his kid not to pee in the pool, so she stood on the side and screamed while peeing because she was so mad. Then they splashed pool water on her so that there wasn’t a puddle of pee just sitting there.
    I don’t swim.

    Like

  121. I do it for science.

    Of course, I like to remember that if you swim in a lake, river, or ocean, you are swimming in fish pee. Swimming pools are just chemicals enhanced with a little bit of water, so pee can only make it more water-like.

    Not that I haven’t swum in a lot of pools, mind you. I am from Arizona.

    Which is like Texas, with less culture.

    Like

  122. Our daughter is in a public pool six days out of seven for physical therapy. I wish this poll was funny, but we have seen things no human should have to see.

    Like

  123.  http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/NB2YU45CQGJ7

    Thank you Megan an Tom I received the packages for jimmy today he will be so happy God bless you both .You are truly Angels and very appreciated Merry Christmas

    Like

  124. The Boys
    Link: http://amzn.com/w/2B3W86U43LJPB

    My wah wah story, I am comment #386.Kimberly.

    Amazon shipped stuff to a different address. Thanks whomever bought the boys a few things, thank you for your thought.

    I was able to finally get to a computer and update everything after being on the phone with Amazon for a few hours…

    Thank you Jenny, again, for giving us a safe space to ask for help. It would be great to have a few things under our tree.

    Like

  125. Everything from Amazon has arrived and is wrapped and hiding in the attic stairwell.

    Thank you everyone for helping my kids out. I’ve got all kinds of warm fuzzy feelings and this increases sentimental value of my copy of let’s pretend this never happened. Lol You guys are the best

    Like

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