Number one, I’m gonna need you to be honest here…

in Polls to help me win arguments, Random Crap, weekly reruns

It’s been awhile since we’ve had a good poll so I thought I’d get your opinion on a question I often ask during uncomfortable silences:

By the way, one of these answers is mine.  10 points to Gryffindor if you guess which.

 ******************

And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

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Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-awesome:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by SilkWords, the go-to source for steamy interactive women’s fiction. Two formats are available: branched fiction (“pick your path”) and linear stories produced with reader participation.  Holiday Cruise is the latest branched story.  “Erin’s friends drag her on a weekend holiday cruise to distract her from a breakup. What erotic adventures await?”  Click to find out.

130 thoughts on “Number one, I’m gonna need you to be honest here…”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. I think your answer is “I’d suspect the lifeguard was lying so I’d get a glass of lemonade and pour it into the pool while yelling, “WHY ISN’T THIS TURNING RED, LIARS?”

  5. Um, there’s no option here for taking your toddler into the pool with you so if the water turns red when you pee you can blame it on them. Way to skew the results.

  7. I went with the lemonade pouring, cause I”m fairly certain these “chemicals” still don’t exist. I think yours is the one about not peeing in pools because you can’t pee in front of others!

  8. I’d sneak in a baggie full of cherry Kool Aid and secretly open it up while no one was looking.

  9. I’d avoid the pool, because I know damn well at some point I’m going to pee in it. It’s not a deliberate urination, but something about swimming pools creates temporary incontinence. Plus I just realized Temporary Incontinence is a good band name.

  12. You left out the last option which is:
    I’d swim fast & furiously away from the odd red area around me that had just shown up while screaming, “I was framed!”.

  21. You know I only figured out those chemicals were a lie when someone told me AFTER I had peed in the pool. Who doesn’t pee in pools as a child? Plus pee is sterile, even if it’s gross. When you find out all water has been on earth since forever – that’s when you realize what they aren’t telling you: when you’re drinking it’s already been someone else’s pee!! Maybe Gengis Khan or Adolf Hitler or Typhoid Mary?! The possibilities are endless!!

  22. Is yours the last answer? Or personal space?
    And the amount of chlorine they use would probably kill the new chemical.

    We swim in the lake. One year we were sitting at the water’s edge and when we got up we were covered in little lake snail shells sucking to our skin. Oh fuckety fuck. I thought – What if one made its way to my vagina?! Pee would be the last of my worry.
    PS – no snail invaded the vagina.

  23. Thanks for reminding me about this book – “Empty Mansions” = Amazing! The other book written about Huguette Clark “Phantom of Fifth Avenue” is interesting as well. “Mansions” is the better first read, since it lays out the history and lots of information. “Phantom” is a decent follow up as it’s more about her personal life, although it feels a bit gossipy at times.

  25. I used to totally pee in pools but I apparently have matured or something since and now I don’t… but I totally pee in the shower.

  28. I finished “Room Service is Closed,” which you recommended on one of your “shit I did when I wasn’t here” posts….thanks for the recommendation, it was quite funny. It didn’t make me laugh til I cried like your book did…but I enjoyed it quite a lot. Working in customer service related fields for most of my adult life, I can relate!

  29. Your readers are friggin’ scientists! But you knew that! (And as far as peeing in the shower goes, that is simply water conservation and to be admired.)

  30. Definitely pee. I do everything I do for science. Science, and world domination. But mostly science.

    Also, that book list kicks some serious ass and I would joyously buy every single one if those goddamn cats would just stop hoarding all the money.

  32. This just made me replay the scene from Grown Ups when all the dads pee in the pool and it turns dark blue and all the kids run out of the pool screaming because their dads are gross lmao. Also, I’d totally pour lemonade or something in it just to see. Or blame it on my kid. HAHAHAHA

  33. Love your polls, is this your answer I-‘d pee on purpose because that way I’d have my own personal space. I’d be like, “The warm red part is mine, fuckers.”

  35. I think your answer is the lemonade, because it’s all caps. I like to think I’d do the first (I almost said #1) but I’d probably chicken out.

    I believe pee and sweat are almost indistinguishable in a swimming pool, and everyone sweats. Which means the pool should look all swirly all the time. Which would be cool. But they don’t.

  37. I think my answer vanished. Apologies if this shows up twice.

    I’d like to think I’d do the scienc experiment, but I’d probably chicken out.

    And I think you would do the lemonade becaus ALL CAPS!

    I remember that sweat and pee are almost identical as swimming pool contaminants. And almost everyone sweats. So the pool should be a really cool collection of swirly clouds. But it’s not. 🙁

  43. My answer is not on the list: Turn red with embarrassment because I accidentally peed before he said anything and now everyone is looking at my red pee stream.

  44. I think you’d pour the lemonade into the pool.
    I grew up near the ocean, I think nearly everybody peed in the ocean. Except me because I can’t when anyone is looking. I was so shy as a child that if a public restroom was so busy I didn’t have an empty stall on each side, I couldn’t pee if I thought someone could hear me. Which is funny because some adults sound like a race horse when they pee.

  45. I picked the do it for science, because I am a science teacher and I know that anything that would react to urine would also react to about 300 other things so no one on the planet would ever actually put it in the pool as it would scare off customers. 😛 I’m calling their dang bluff!

  46. I’m a little disturbed by the t-shirt. I always liked Yukon Cornelius and was afraid of the Bumble. Now childhood memories are tainted.

  47. OK, a serious question here. Your adorable “abomination” shirt — Zazzle says the model dude is a giant (6’10”), and yet he is wearing a medium? How long are these shirts, anyway?

    BTW the shirt is super adorable. I love the Bumble.

  52. I would so pee in the pool just to see what happens. Because science. Duh. And I’m a troublemaker like that.

  56. I would definitely just assume that everyone was on their period and spend my afternoon handing out tampons.

  57. You pee just a tiny bit to check. Not enough that a big bloody colored pool trails you when you swim away. Then of course you know he’s a liar. Not that I’ve done this or anything….;)

  58. Love the B&N list. Since I already have your book, I’m going to have to buy “People I want to punch in the throat” because I’m pretty sure I would have written it if I wasn’t spending way too much time on Pinterest.

  60. I think I’d pee a little and when someone gave me a nasty look, I’d cheerfully respond with “It’s OK, it’s just my time of the month”, to see if that made them feel better or worse.

    Also, now that I’ve read this, I suddenly need to pee.

  63. I would absolutely pee on purpose even though I’ve never peed in a pool (the sea doesn’t count right?) … But then if the water started turning red I’d probably start thrashing around like I was being murdered in the pool or something, which would make people swim straight into my pee to save me. Hopefully.

  64. Fantastic poll. I reckon you’d do it on purpose to be defiant and also because, you know, bladder control ain’t want it used to be 🙂

  66. Do you want the honest answer (the last one) or the one we wish we’d though of and will try to remember if this ever actually happens (the poop one)?

    And technically wouldn’t that make you “pissed ON” if other people do?

  67. I don’t think that lemonade would work, despite its visual similarity to relatively dilute urine. Urine is a base, and lemonade is acidic. You would need to go to the janitor’s closet and get some ammonia. That should test out the theory pretty well.

    Speaking of urine, I had one of my cats in for a workup and after they were done, they called me back saying that there was something odd about his urine and that they would need to send it for more testing. I asked if he was developing a bladder stone or anything, and the vet said that it was nothing like that. The test results came back and the vet called me to say that his urine was extremely dilute, which she was concerned about. I said, “he drinks out of the faucet.” She admitted that could very well be the cause of the dilute urine.

  68. I fairly certain 10% of pool water is pee. This explains why when my daughter saw her cousin spitting water fountain style at the family bbq she yelled ” ewwww that’s butt water, mooooom he put but water in his mouth!”

  70. I’d neeeeeeeeeeeever evvvvvvvver pee in a pool & I’m totally disgusted by assholes who do.
    I wait to pee in the bathtub.

    PS. I’ve ALWAYS wanted to put one of those peanut candy bars in a pool. You know, like in Caddy Shack.

    xx Kiss from Duluth.

  72. What is up with those cats?? What are they doing and why are my lazy cats not out earning that kind of cash? Very disappointed and when I told them, they yawned. Sigh. I think you would do the lemonade test.

  73. None of the above. I’d demand to know what “chemicals” the lifeguard had put in the water. Are they safe? Is my skin going to fall off now? You can’t just shout “chemicals” at people and not expect them to have questions!

  74. I agree with Bobbyplatts above – read both books and enjoyed them.

    Money is awesome – because then you get to just decide not to deal with people and stay in and play with your dolls, and it happens.

  76. Where is the choice I don’t go in the pool since watching the South Park episode called Pee?

  78. Remember in the movie “Caddyshack” there was a hilarious scene with poop in the pool? Well, that for real happened a year ago when my son was at the Y for swimming lessons (it wasn’t him thankfully). In reality that moment was not as funny as it was in the movies. By the way, there was no color change in the water. Just thought you’d like to know that. 🙂

  79. I would swim around with a red food color bottle and squeeze it under water at people as I swim by! . . . I may just start doing that anyway

  80. …Well, you know what they say — Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

  82. I’m guessing the last one is yours. No peeing in pools for me, but I will pee in the ocean, but I try to look all nonchalant and walk away from my family. The kids always seem to follow though. And that sure is a lot of cats and a lot of cash. I don’t know if those cats should be trusted with all that cash…

  83. This reminds me of a pool fact I heard recently–the more people pee in the pool, the more chlorine-y the water will smell because ammonia & chlorine bond and blah blah blah (I stopped paying attention at that point). So…ponder that next time you’re at the pool.

  85. Im going with your answer is lemonade. Also – Empty Mansions – greatest book – I went to the town her Dad built and got the book from the wee museum there.

  86. Can we get the holiday shirt available on mugs and stuff? I want to get my friend one for Christmas, but he’s not going to wear it.

  87. Do that many adults really pee in pools? Surely it’s like littering; lazy, selfish and inconsiderate? I mean, you don’t want to swim in anyone else’s pee, so why would you make others swim in yours?
    So many questions, I’m disappointed.

    Peeing in a public pool isn’t freedom, it’s being an asshole.

  89. I did have someone tell me that when I was a kid. I floated around until all the adults weren’t looking and peed JUST A LITTLE. No red cloud. I moved to another part of the pool and tested the theory until I was satisfied that it was yet another elaborate trick meant to confuse and startle me. And probably to stop me from peeing in the pool. TYRANTS!

  92. I really think just adding red cordial to the pool in sections quietly behind peoples back would be hilarious and shock the lifeguard…, heaps of fun.

  93. Ok. On your shirt thing? It says “model is 6′ 10″ and wearing a medium” ? LOL Am I just overly tired???

  95. You know all those instructions for homemade cleansers that warn not to mix bleach and ammonia because it can make toxic gas?

    Don’t pee in a chlorinated pool. Pee contains ammonia. Chlorinated pools contain dilute bleach. Enough kids pee in that pool and I’ll hope it’s an outdoor pool.

    My favorite sigh:
    WELCOME TO OUR OOL! Notice there is no “P” in it…let’s keep it that way!

  99. I have 5 kids still at home. 2 in diapers. I could TOTALLY get away with peeing in a pool, and blaming one of the toddlers. Not that I would, of course.

    Nope.

    Never.

    But I could

  100. And b/c I’m all sciency and shit, allow me to point out that we’ve ALL swam in our own pee. And ingested it.

    That’s how the pre-birth gig goes.

    You’re welcome for that thought.

  102. I have loved your shirts before, but I NEED this one! But alas, Zazzle doesn’t like Canadians.

    Happy Holidays to you & yours, Jenny.

  103. Ahh, what a great start to a Monday morning; my experience with public peeing is usually in a lake in the mountains, a lake that is so cold you can’t even go due to the shock after jumping in. It’s so angering.

  105. My answer was not a choice: Assume they are lying because, seriously, the pool is half pee all the time anyway. I mean just look at all those swim diapers not turning red.

  107. Eewwww… none of the above? I don’t pee in pools and I’d really rather not swim in anyone else’s pee!

    PS – peeing the ocean is okay ‘cos it’s so damn big (and a lot of sewage gets pumped in there anyway).

  108. If it turns urine red, then what happens to blood? Not to mention that the people who didn’t hear the announcement would freak the hell out when red stuff starts coming out of someone.

  109. True story. My mom taught swim lessons at a public pool when I was a kid. So one day the pool manager told my sister and I that he added a chemical to the pool that would turn the water some color (green? red?) if we peed in it. Why WE were the prime suspects and not the hundreds of other kids using the pool, I have no idea. So what did I do? Promptly hopped in the pool and peed just to test him. Nope, no special chemicals in the pool. And in unrelated news, apologies to the adults who may or may not have swam in some extra pee the rest of that summer.

  110. All public pools would be a permanent shade of red if this was true. Pretty gross, kind of like when I was little and went to the dentist. He would give me a little red pill that stained my teeth and showed how crappy I was at brushing my teeth. I just realized this post makes no sense, but it’s Monday, so that’s my excuse.

  113. I’d Pee in the pool and start screaming OH MY GOD I GOT ATTACKED BY A SHARK EVERYONE RUN, RUN, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE POOL….

  116. Okay I know this post isn’t about taxidermied (I also know that’s not technically a word but I made it up, and it seems fitting, so there) anything but I figured I could still leave this link right here: http://jezebel.com/perfect-craigslist-ad-offers-badass-tatxidermied-bobcat-1671088341?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

    I saw it and thought of you, and if you decide to buy it, I hope your husband doesn’t blame me.

    That is all.

  118. Why was there no option for “I would accuse him of being a liar because I already peed in the pool and the water didn’t turn red.”?

  119. Sitting here sobbing feelin greatful .Its hard enough to find out you have cancer and feel like your lost with no where to turn. I just keep praying for a miracle that all of my sickness will go away and that I will be able to work to provide for these kids who have had nothing but a hard life.Thank you for giving me hope again and Jenny thank you for this site.

  120. Question is, how do they account for the “I was framed” pee. The sneaky person that stands close to you for a second, the area turns red and then slopes quickly away. Awaits cries of “I was framed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” coming from a swimming pool near you.

  124. My boyfriend’s cousin told his kid not to pee in the pool, so she stood on the side and screamed while peeing because she was so mad. Then they splashed pool water on her so that there wasn’t a puddle of pee just sitting there.
    I don’t swim.

  125. I do it for science.

    Of course, I like to remember that if you swim in a lake, river, or ocean, you are swimming in fish pee. Swimming pools are just chemicals enhanced with a little bit of water, so pee can only make it more water-like.

    Not that I haven’t swum in a lot of pools, mind you. I am from Arizona.

    Which is like Texas, with less culture.

  126. Our daughter is in a public pool six days out of seven for physical therapy. I wish this poll was funny, but we have seen things no human should have to see.

  128.  http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/NB2YU45CQGJ7

    Thank you Megan an Tom I received the packages for jimmy today he will be so happy God bless you both .You are truly Angels and very appreciated Merry Christmas

  129. The Boys
    Link: http://amzn.com/w/2B3W86U43LJPB

    My wah wah story, I am comment #386.Kimberly.

    Amazon shipped stuff to a different address. Thanks whomever bought the boys a few things, thank you for your thought.

    I was able to finally get to a computer and update everything after being on the phone with Amazon for a few hours…

    Thank you Jenny, again, for giving us a safe space to ask for help. It would be great to have a few things under our tree.

  130. Everything from Amazon has arrived and is wrapped and hiding in the attic stairwell.

    Thank you everyone for helping my kids out. I’ve got all kinds of warm fuzzy feelings and this increases sentimental value of my copy of let’s pretend this never happened. Lol You guys are the best

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