Bloggess Life Hacks that might get you arrested, part 87.

bloggess life advice

PS.  I put this on twitter a long time ago but people keep asking why it’s not on the blog.  So now it is.  It’s sort of a rerun if you follow me on twitter, but it’s still good, solid advice.

77 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Fabulous advice. Love the photo!

    Like

    Cassandra recently posted Throwdown Thursday: Would You Give Your Preteen a SmartPhone?.

  2. I love this!! I have gotten stuck in a few dresses in changerooms before….
    Your dress is beautiful BTW.

    Like

    Ann St. Vincent recently posted I’m cursing my libido right now..

  3. Love the added “burn the place down.” Just not Bloggess material without that.

    Like

  4. Amen!

    Like

  5. Oh, this is sooo much better than my method of killing my muscles at the barre studio. Because I’m really getting sick of that after a whopping 12 visits:). Thanks for the laugh!

    Like

    candidkay recently posted When God speaks, sometimes it’s your mother.

  6. 6
    Heather Greywolf

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
    I’ve wanted to do exactly that in more than one dress shop.

    (Does that mean BOGO now translates to “Burn Or Get Out”?)

    Like

  7. Well if that didn’t zip, it still looks great. I hear that’s what they do at magazine photo shoots anyway because real women are not sticks. So good for you. Or maybe, you could just go naked and blur out the naughty bits. There’s that.

    Like

  8. That fitting room looks the size of a ballroom to me! Is that an American thing? Over here they are the size of a toilet stall:/

    Like

    trillie recently posted Mindfulness: you're doing it wrong. (pt. 2).

  9. Well, the dress looks great on you, zipped or not. It’s a shame the store had to burn down like that…

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Zipped or not, you still look amazing.🙂

    Like

    Kara recently posted Doctor Who – Van Gogh Visits the Gallery.

  11. Don’t forget to add this bit of crucial information:”… and suck in your gut as hard as humanly possible.” Also, feel free to reach through the computer and slap me for pointing this out but it should be “it’s” not “it” zipped up. Annoying typo, which I do all the time.

    Like

    Gina W. recently posted Carpe-fuckin-Diem.

  12. Totally works for me. And that dress totally works for you!

    Like

  13. YES! You look damn fine in that dress by the way.

    Like

  14. Never mind. I just realized “it” could be correct, depending on how you read it. Sorry! Was trying to be helpful. Ended up being annoying. Story of my life…

    Like

    Gina W. recently posted Carpe-fuckin-Diem.

  15. Yup. Sounds like something I would do.

    Like

  16. Now anytime there’s a fire a a dress shop, they’ll be coming after us curvy girls first!

    Like

  17. You look exceptionally lovely in that dress which fits you so very well.🙂

    Like

  18. Sounds Iike many of us have done that … Lol.. You look beautiful regardless !!!

    Like

  19. Ha! I’ve just spent the last two weeks shopping to accommodate a 25 lb. weight gain. I’m now buying size 1X blouses and my new bra size has bore out the truth of what my mother said when she looked at me about a month ago and stated, “My GOD, your boobs are HUGE now!!” I wish I’d read this prior to shopping.

    Like

  20. Solid advice. I’m pinning this one!

    Like

    Karen Marie Peterson recently posted My 2014 Book Survey. It's for fun..

  21. Gorgeous you in that FABULOUS dress! I hate trying on anything in store dressing rooms. Mostly, I try stuff on a home, then return it. My husband refuses to let me burn down our house. He’s funny about shit like that.

    Like

    marydpierce recently posted Between, & all the years that have passed since then.

  22. To prevent police action, you may want to consider a somewhat safer alternative. Try on the most expensive dresses. Leave a little makeup stain around the neckline of each one.

    Like

    notquiteold recently posted All Girls Are Welcome Here.

  23. I don’t get the title for this blog post. Why would you get arrested?

    Like

    kdcol recently posted Apparently, he was feeling stabby.

  24. You look fabulous!

    Like

  25. You look great. You are owning that dress. I prefer the stores that lie about the size, where I fit into a size eight.

    Like

    Sheila Blanchette recently posted Hikes, Coffees and Nudes.

  26. This will definitely have to be featured in your Bloggess – The Movie (whenever that comes out)

    I can’t wait until you see if twitter will help you with the title😛

    Like

    Brian recently posted old skool.

  27. who needs a zipper? you look fab!

    Like

    Lauren recently posted What Not To Say....

  28. I actually got stuck in a pair of jeans I tried on. Had to call an employee into the dressing room to pull the jeans off.

    Like

  29. Beautiful picture. Why are fitting room mirrors so unflattering? Do they do it on purpose so we won’t loiter?

    Like

    Musings, Rants & Scribbles recently posted Life Lessons from My Kids.

  30. This is a fantastic idea but I need a solution for trousers because the zip is in the front. I’m not convinced an arse shot on a bloke is the same as a front shot of a woman in a dress😉

    Like

    Gary Lum recently posted Yatala Pies vanilla slice fail.

  31. You are gorgeous! Rock that dress!

    Like

  32. You are beautiful! Burn that place to the ground!

    Like

  33. Could not agree more! And that picture is gorgeous!

    Like

  34. THIS is why I joined your church.

    Like

  35. Brilliant life advice! Why this isn’t on more billboards is beyond me.

    Like

  36. That was the largest dress in the store? Was it a pre-teen only store?

    Like

  37. What a great trick! Now we can have all the gravy we want.

    Like

    Kristine @ MumRevised recently posted Red and Gold Death Trap.

  38. Is burning the store to the ground also acceptable when you try on a dress that claims to be your size but is so small that you get completely stuck halfway into it and end up stumbling around the dressing room with it covering your face like one of those animals you see on the news that got their head wedged in a peanut butter jar? Not, of course, that this ever happened to me…at least not today. Sigh.

    Like

  39. I hope you took the dress before you burned down the store! Tailors can do amazing things these days. Also . . . gorgeous.

    Like

    Simone recently posted Words are eternal.

  40. It’s so old Hollywood. Where the women probably weren’t allowed to do much back then, but did what the fuck they wanted to anyway. It’s very Mae West, and I love it. What was the occasion? Where did you wear such a dress?

    Like

  41. That dress is gorgeous, and you look gorgeous in it (zipped or unzipped). I’ve been doing some mad, frantic last minute shopping for a tropical wedding and nothing fits. Since it’s all been online shopping, and I really don’t want to burn down my own home what do you suggest as an alternative?

    Like

    fillyourownglass recently posted Baby Girl…You Look Fine.

  42. You look spectacular! Just don’t turn around.

    Like

    susielindau recently posted Start the New Year With a Revolution!.

  43. I tried doing this with underwear. It did not end well.

    Like

    Emelie recently posted Texting and the art of The Woo.

  44. 45
    chesterfieldzoo

    That guy on Chrissley knows best is opening a clothing store. He said he didn’t want to carry anything bigger than a size 8 because he doesn’t like fat women (which means his wife couldn’t shop there), but his wife said he had to – so they will go up to size 14. I would applaud burning it down just because he’s an ass.

    Like

  45. Ooh, I’m glad my Macy’s arson is justified, even years after prom. Those ass bastards will never see another sequin.

    P.S. Love your blog and book, constantly weeping over how much i admire you omg bye

    Like

  46. I enjoy watching the flames as I eat another donut.

    Like

    HogsAteMySister recently posted Hubba Hubba — The Eyes Have It.

  47. I guess we can all figure out that you have to change back into your own clothes before you light the store on fire. Hard to run in a dress that won’t zip up.

    Like

  48. Winner, winner, fried chicken dinner… THEN burn the bitch down.

    Like

  49. It’s a beautiful dress!!🙂

    Like

  50. I can not tell what is in your hand, is that matches?

    Like

    cupcakethegreat recently posted Of which there will be death and dismay.

  51. Don’t take your coat off so no one can see the zipper. Also, don’t take the tags off so you can return the dress the next day.
    Bonus, deep pockets in said coat will let you smuggle gin or your spirit of choice into the event and a few extra dinner rolls on the way out. The chicken is always dry, you’ll need to fill up on rolls.

    Like

  52. I don’t care if that dress fits or not. You are stunning.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted 6 Little Stories.

  53. I got stuck in a dress in a fitting room once. Took me a good 20 minutes, and a lot of sweat and panic to get out of it…it was like being stuck in a Chinese finger torture…the harder I tried to get out of it, the worse it stuck…I literally inched out of that sucker…

    Like

  54. There is a store here that sells athletic wear for women. The largest size is a 12. I guess women who are larger than a 12 don’t get to work out.😦

    Like

  55. Burn them down, and salt the earth if all they have are 0, 1, 2 ! ! ( although the salt the earth doesn’t really work for stores, it should!

    Like

  56. What a gorgeous dress! What kind of store is that, because you don’t look big enough not to fit into the largest size they have. Are you shopping at the anorexic and bulimic store? Starving and unhappy store?

    Like

    hollie recently posted Craigslist…it has been a while….

  57. Yes. A million times, yes.

    Like

  58. I’m with Jeannie. Several stores that sell workout gear have convinced me that nobody besides my Blonde Doctor wants “fat” girls to work out. Burn, baby, burn.

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted Turn Down Service.

  59. 60
    Shescraftysmg

    Love it!

    Like

  60. Also agree with burning store to ground when they a) tell you they have the dress in your size, but it would actually fit someone three sizes smaller than you or b) Tell you to “go shop at a fat shop, we don’t have anything here that would fit you” (actually happened)

    Like

    Vicky recently posted Where is the Love?.

  61. One of my friends was shopping for trendy jeans and asked if the brand came in her size. The sales clerk said, “Oh, yes, they make them in that size. But we don’t carry that size.”

    Nice.

    Like

    Tragic Sandwich recently posted Things I’ve Been Thinking About.

  62. I’m running out of matches. And stores to burn. On the plus side, the whole town has a great glow to it and there is always somewhere to roast your marshmallows…

    Like

  63. Now that’s just good consumerism! And that dress is AMAZING🙂

    Like

    excandiced recently posted Prickly Ball of Doom.

  64. “She really is such a glamorous arsonist.” “I agree, she looks fabulous in that dress.” – Fashion newscasters

    Like

  65. This is up there with the ‘if you can’t afford those fabulous Underpants, put them on in the dressing room and then run like fuck’ life hacks🙂

    Like

    PinkNoam recently posted Farrah Fawcett Hair & A Near Death Experience with Mae West.

  66. I just want to point out that my comment, which is still awaiting moderation, was addressed to those shops that only stock 0, 1, 2 sizes and don’t in anyway indicate that so, when you walk into the store, the sales people treat a “large lady” like myself like a leper. I’d avoid such shops if they in some ways could be identified. People of all sizes are not a problem, it’s the size “class” war that bothers me.

    Like

  67. Great dress! Great comment!

    Like

  68. Because, truly, the only way to commit arson is in a floor-length gown.

    Like

    averyhanaden recently posted Why Fad Diets Suck (significantly more than has already been proven).

  69. Burn the place down! haaaa! I’ve felt the same! Even if that dress didn’t zip, this is an amazing picture of you. (stupid non-zipping dress!)

    Like

  70. Since I don’t do Twitter (character limits are of the devil), I appreciate your sharing this here bc that’s hilarious.😉 also you rock your posing

    Like

  71. I’m just gonna go ahead and lay out here that I have no idea what the Apple Cats people from the ad this month are trying to sell me. I wanna buy it though.

    Like

    tanktronic recently posted Shit That Needs to Stop : Driving.

  72. Thanks Jenny, I think you look amazing in the picture, sorry about the fire in the shop too….

    Like

  73. Exercise clothes for those of us with recalcitrant post-baby weight* should be prettier and more abundant. I lit into the poor clerk at a store that had a huge “plus size” section — but NO EXERCISE WEAR in it. I do know it’s not her fault, and I did end my rant by apologizing and asking her to pass word up to the buyers that I am sick of wearing my husband’s sweat pants to the gym.

    *that’s my story and I’m sticking to it…so the baby’s eight.

    Like

  74. You look very glamorous!

    Like

  75. That dress is perfection – who cares if it doesn’t zip?!

    Like

    Tara recently posted Tomorrow won't be day one.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s