Number one…you guys are fantastic at naming dogs. Tallulah Barkhead? Jane Pawston? Louise L’Amour? Virginia Woof? You need to start a dog-naming business because your talents are wasted, people.
Number two….After several days to trying out lots of names we seem to be leaning toward Dorothy Barker (Dottie for short) but at the last minute I thought, Hang on. What if we call her “Knives”? Because that might be the most useful dog name ever (if said in the required, vaguely-threatening tone).
“I’m sorry. You can’t let me into the bar because my purse is moving? Ridiculous. Do you know what I have in my purse? KNIVES. I have KNIVES in my purse. WANNA SEE?”
“No, you answer the door. I’m holding knives.”
“The postman refuses to deliver to me because he always ends up getting chased by knives.”
“Hey, I don’t want to be a bitch but it’s 2am and your drum solo is keep us all up. Who is ‘us’? Oh, just me and my knives.”
“Yes, I’d love to hear about why you think I’m going to hell BUT I’VE LOST MY KNIVES. HAVE YOU SEEN MY KNIVES? WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?”
“You don’t believe that Anxiety Disorder is a real thing? Fascinating. I actually have Anxiety Disorder but I carry around a secret cure that helps. It’s called KNIVES.”
“You don’t make this dress in my size? No, I’m not mad. I just need to spend some alone time in your dressing room. With my knives.”
“There’s a limit to how many pets I can have in my house? No worries. I just have some cats. And my knives.”
Then again, Knives would probably get me arrested. But on the plus side, when my intimidating cellmate asked what I was in for I could say “KNIVES. I LOVE KNIVES.” But when the judge asked the same thing I could say shrug innocently and say, “Just this little doggie” and I wouldn’t be lying to either of them.
Dorothy Barker agrees with me and I suspect she will go by Dottie when she’s trying to make a good impression, and Knives when she’s been drinking. It’s a good system. In fact, I’m thinking of using it myself. I just have to come up with a good name now that “Knives” is taken.
PS. How about “Extra Knives”? No. That doesn’t sing. I’ll keep working on it.