Her name is KNIVES. But only when we’ve been drinking.

in Random Crap

Number one…you guys are fantastic at naming dogs.  Tallulah Barkhead?  Jane Pawston?  Louise L’Amour?  Virginia Woof?  You need to start a dog-naming business because your talents are wasted, people.

Number two….After several days to trying out lots of names we seem to be leaning toward Dorothy Barker (Dottie for short) but at the last minute I thought, Hang on.  What if we call her “Knives”?  Because that might be the most useful dog name ever (if said in the required, vaguely-threatening tone).

“I’m sorry.  You can’t let me into the bar because my purse is moving?  Ridiculous.  Do you know what I have in my purse?  KNIVES.  I have KNIVES in my purse.  WANNA SEE?”

“No, you answer the door.  I’m holding knives.”

“The postman refuses to deliver to me because he always ends up getting chased by knives.”

“Hey, I don’t want to be a bitch but it’s 2am and your drum solo is keep us all up.  Who is ‘us’?  Oh, just me and my knives.”

“Yes, I’d love to hear about why you think I’m going to hell BUT I’VE LOST MY KNIVES.  HAVE YOU SEEN MY KNIVES?  WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?”

“You don’t believe that Anxiety Disorder is a real thing?  Fascinating.  I actually have Anxiety Disorder but I carry around a secret cure that helps.  It’s called KNIVES.”

“You don’t make this dress in my size?  No, I’m not mad.  I just need to spend some alone time in your dressing room.  With my knives.”

“There’s a limit to how many pets I can have in my house? No worries. I just have some cats.  And my knives.”

Then again, Knives would probably get me arrested.  But on the plus side, when my intimidating cellmate asked what I was in for I could say “KNIVES.  I LOVE KNIVES.”   But when the judge asked the same thing I could say shrug innocently and say, “Just this little doggie” and I wouldn’t be lying to either of them.

knives

Dorothy Barker agrees with me and I suspect she will go by Dottie when she’s trying to make a good impression, and Knives when she’s been drinking.  It’s a good system.  In fact, I’m thinking of using it myself.  I just have to come up with a good name now that “Knives” is taken.

PS.  How about “Extra Knives”?  No.  That doesn’t sing.  I’ll keep working on it.

220 thoughts on “Her name is KNIVES. But only when we’ve been drinking.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Matches. Your name can be Matches.

    (I kinda like that because when I drink I like to play CrapScrabble and no one will play with me so I can scream “COME PLAY WITH MATCHES!” at Victor and it will at least be entertaining when he ignores me. ~ Jenny)

  7. If she ever gets loose, you’ll be running up and down the streets yelling “KNIVES!!! KNIVES!!!” Seems fine.

  13. @Danielle I see what you did there. I was going to make the same joke. I’m betting it’s lost on most of the commenters here. 🙂

  14. I think you should be “Machete” when you drink. It’s either that or Scythe Danner. Either way. Knives is adorable, by the way.

  17. MOAR KNIVES!

    No really. That is why you got the instagram account, right? More pictures of the animals…especially Miss Dorothy “Knives” Barker.

  18. She also looks like she is the kind of knives that would be totally fine to let a small child play with unsupervised ^_^

  19. How about using Knives for her middle name? Dorothy “Knives” Barker has a certain ring to it…

  21. You should be scissors. Then you would always have the perfect excuse to never go for a run. You would be like “No way, um, scissors!”

  24. Drat. Bluelulu beat me to it — I was held up by sign-in protocols. Anyway, I like my idea better. 😉

  25. Posted too soon.

    Your name should be “Arson.” Knives and Arson. You’d be an unstoppable team! Plus, if i recall correctly, in your letter to obnoxious blog product pitchers, you threatened to “burn down their mailbox and kidnap their dog.” So it’s basically the most appropriate team name ever.

  31. We contemplated naming our new kitten “Knives Meow” because she’s sharp and we liked the Scott Pilgrim reference. But you could totally use Knives Chow and that would work.

  32. We actually named our knives. They are Wustof and cost enough to deserve names. There’s Mack (paring knife), Ginsu (santoku knife), and Norman (cook’s knife).

  33. In The Supernatural Enhancements, Niamh picks the dog and since she is mute asks A, to name it. He picks “Help.” Because if he is calling the dog, then he’s probably in trouble.

  34. so. knives and messer walk into a bar…
    Yes, really. Look it up. In a german dictionary.

  35. She’s adorable.
    And for you – I think ‘dynamite’ would suite you just fine.

    Love, Ria

  36. Machete – good one all around! I actually know someone whose Corgi is Machete ☺️ I’m thinking Dorothy “Knives” Barker totally works tho…

  39. I suggest, for your approval, your nickname be Cut-a-Bitch. Knives and Cut-a-Bitch.

  42. I’ve found that animal’s names have lives of their own, and mutate over time. Olive -> Olivetti – > Olivetti-Underwood -> Olivetti Underpants -> Underpants .. Yes, I have a cat named Underpants.
    Then there was Bess -> Bessica -> Bessica Beevil -> beevil . Don’t ask me, I just work here.

  43. Another good one would be Scissors. Then you could shout out “I’M TOTALLY RUNNING WITH SCISSORS!” Wait, that would require running….

  44. Oh I LOVE THIS.

    I can totally see so many useful ways to work your dog (and her name) into conversations!

    “I’m sorry, Boring Person in Plane Seat Next to Me, I wasn’t listening. Because I was thinking about KNIVES.”

    “You know what this situation reminds me of? KNIVES.”

    “I should definitely not be in custody right now. Because who’s going to watch my KNIVES?”

    Yes. Lots of applications.

  47. Dottie/Knives/Lola {I like Lola} is just insanely adorable…. maybe Lola is her porn name. You could be Stabby. Get it? Stabby with Knives…

  48. I decided last year that my husband of 25 years should have the nickname “Mad Dog.” Our friends were all on board. We all agreed when asked why the correct answer was, “No one alive knows for sure why. It’s just healthier not to know.” My husband just sighs and goes back to quietly reading his French philosophy.

  52. I’m thinking you should go by Shank! … unless you think people will mistake the prison blade for the cut of meat….

    In that case you need to drag Victor into this and then be the duo of Whips and Chains…. I’ll allow you to select which one you prefer to be and assign the other to Victor. You’re welcome.

  54. So your dog is sweet and innocent in public but a badass biker in secret. I like that.

  55. My husband wanted to name our first dog “Fangs of Death”. We went with Abby. It fit better on her ID tag.

  56. I suggest “Shank” for you. Beware of rhyming, though. “Shank the Skank” would be inevitable, I fear.

  57. Along the same lines. Scissors. “I can’t go shopping with you because I’m going to go run with Scissors.” I think Knives is perfect.

  58. You could go by the name Scissors…but then you’d be dangerous if one of your friends went running with Scissors, which means you’d have to take up running…and who needs that?

  59. How about The Slasher for a name so then you can introduce yourself to people and be all, “Hey y’all, I’m The Slasher with Knives.” and just let the rest unfold organically.

  60. I really like Knives. That is perfect! Scissors would work also. As in, “I can’t go to the mall with you now, I’m going to go run with Scissors.”.

  61. In all your examples for “Knives” – you could also substitute “Syphilis.” That might be interesting too. “I need to spend alone time in your dressing room. With my Syphilis.”

  62. I LOVE the idea of naming her KNIVES. I want to name my next dog “Pencil”! I think your co-drinking name should be BLADE. Lol

  63. Guy down the street from a girl I knew in elementary school named his dog Dammit so he could scandalize the neighborhood by running around yelling, “Sit, Dammit! Heel, Dammit!” I thought that was pretty funny as a kid, but then I realized our dog probably thought her name was Dammit too from all the times she got on the wrong side of my dad. Then I wondered how many other dogs out there thought their names were Dammit. And naturally then I imagined my friend’s neighbor yelling, “C’mere, Dammit!” one day and getting the surprise of his life as the entire local canine population showed up and mowed him down.

  68. Shawshank. Shank for short. “I said I don’t want your damned Cub Scout popcorn! I will not hesitate to Shank you, little man!”

  70. This is exactly what I loved about our cat named NOTHING. He was the most encourage-able cat I’ve ever owned and it was great because we could answer-when people asked “What the hell happened in here?” ….”Oh, NOTHING…” 🙂

  74. Now I want to get a dog and name it Knives. My kids will be so happy! I have been saying no to a puppy for over 7 years now. Also, if were voting on drinking alter egos for you I totally vote for Matches. I want to read the post after you repeatedly yell at Victor, “Come play with Matches!”

  76. I think ‘Guns’ might be a nice nickname. Then if questioned, you can claim “Gums! I said GUMS, y’all” and look sad at how misunderstood you are.
    Plus, it will make you feel very good about your biceps.

  78. Oh but if you called her Knives then you could make a fenced-in run for her and call it BLADERUNNER.

  79. Just call her Ginsu for short. evol laff

    Or maybe specify just want sort of knife she is? Is she a perhaps a Stiletto? A Swiss Army knife? A dagger or boot knife? The possibilities are ENDLESS. Also, lethal.

  80. I realize this is a late entry, but I saw this in another feed yesterday! Name her Pawladine!

  81. My son wants to name his first born…or his dog “Penis” for many of the same reasons you listed.

  83. I worked at a veterinarian’s office one summer, ages ago. “Dammit” is a popular name for a dog. So how about Da Bomb, for Knives and a Bomb and you’ll never have to fly again. You’ll have to take a limousine everywhere you go from now on!
    Things to consider before planning your next book tour.

  85. You can hold Knives when you’re feeling stabby. LOL!🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪

  89. Is Dottie a Papillon? If she is, Dorothy Barker is perfect. I have two Papillons whose favorite pastimes are barking and chasing the cats. Usually these activities are done at the same time.

    (Yep. She’s very laid back though. ~ Jenny)

  90. Maybe the ghost dog was just part of the quantum wave function of your actual dog spreading into the past.

    That could totally happen.

  91. Your name could be Flame Thrower. Think about it. When the teachers ask Hailey what she’s doing after school, she can tell them confidently that she’s playing with her Knives and Flame Thrower and she’d be the coolest kid in school.

    Well, maybe wait until college for that one?

  93. When I was little my grandmother had a black poodle named Sam. However my hippie aunt (mom’s younger sister) called the dog Reefer. Since I loved my cool aunt, I called the dog Reefer too. Never understood why that drove Grandma crazy.

  94. She is small and fierce like the character KNIVES CHAU from Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. I see no reason whatsoever to restrict this name for drunken use only. I bet Knives can kick ass in video games and sword fights just like her namesake.

  95. Your puppy is too adorable! I wanna run out and get me one but we have too many dogs as it is and my husband would never let me. Knives is a fantastic name and I might have to steal it. That way when he asks where I am going when I go get the puppy I can say I am going out to get Knives. And he can’t argue with me about keeping it because, you know, everyone needs Knives!

  96. Dottie is really cute .. so is Cutie Patootie … I love it when they fit in a purse.

  98. Please tell me Knives can also be pronounced “Kin-nieffs!”

    And the first thing I thought of for your drinking named was “Super Sharp.” Not that original, but may be add a Wicked in there… Supah Wickkit Shahp.

    Maybe the all the photons bouncing of the two and a half feet of snow have fused my brain cells…

    You two are shockingly adorable! Loves.

  99. I think a cousins neighbor named her dog Prozac (or Xanax). Can’t remember which. I thought that was quite good when you consider how pets can help calm us. Love Dottie Barker (and Knives makes a pretty bad-ass nickname).

  100. You could be Fire (play with fire), or… crap I had another good one… Oh Fists? OK I’m actually bad at this. Nevermind lol

  101. She doesn’t look like a sharp-ei. Why not call her Shun (“shoon”)? Any knife that’s good enough for Alton Brown (“swoon”) is good enough for me.

  102. I think that may be the cutest damn little dog I have ever seen. Its disgusting. 🙂

  103. Grenades. You don’t want to be the one showing up to a standoff with Knives and not have your Grenades. Also, I like Oven. It’s really only used for one thing and that’s not entirely fair. It speaks to me more of a goldfish name though…

  104. There are some good suggestions, but really your name needs to be Sharpening. This way you can say “(pointing to yourself) I’m sharpening (points to dog) my knives!” No one will ever mess with you!

  105. I’ve always assumed your Native American name is “Runs with Scissors.” Kinda goes along with the sharp metal object theme you’ve started.

  106. I was just hoping you’d get a purse for that dog, but I think that Dorothy “Dottie” Knives Barker is a perfect name.

  107. I am about to start a blog using pets and humor as dominant themes so I had to read this. Hilarious but might I suggest you go by knives and call the dog lunatic…
    Can u believe that lunatic is at the park with knives?
    Disgusting! That lunatic just peed on knives.
    Or for a Friday night post
    Lunatic is with knives kicking around the city.
    That lunatic brushes her hair with knives.
    That g$dd#%m lunatic loves her knives.
    Well you get the idea.,,

  110. I MUST name my next pet Knives! It’s inspired! Currently I just have Wampuss and Lucy Fur but Knives… It’ll be awesome!

  111. She’s just gorgeous, & I’m sure you’ll make a great team, her helping you with your anxiety, & you looking after her needs.
    There’s nothing like a dog to keep you company & you can always rely on them to be there for you when you need them, unlike humans, they’ll always be there, & won’t get upset if you need a cuddle at a time that humans would find undignified or inappropriate.
    I just wish I could introduce Dottie to my Harry, but I’m sure in time Dottie & you will find your own new friends.
    It’s great having a dog & going for walks; the anxiety pretty much evaporates when you’re walking a dog, & you’ll find it much easier when the dog is the centre of attention rather than you when you go out & about with her.

    Sending lots of love for the two of you, & hope you get to really enjoy each others company for the longest time.

  112. I have a cat named Razor (aka, Razor Man). Of course, the others are Kaos, Tweak, and Denny (who stands out in this crowd?). Our cats may not be the best example.

  113. A Dog Named Sex

    By Morty Storm

    Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy.” I call mine “Sex.” He’s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

    When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one too!”

    Then, I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then, I said, “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

    When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.

    He said, “You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don’t care what you do.” I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny — I have the same problem.”

    One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place, it’s no big deal anymore.”

    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “The courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please.”

    Then, I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, “Me too.”

    Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

    See more at: http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2000-05-24/features/0005240018_1_dear-ann-landers-dog-motel-clerk#sthash.GvyAsk6b.dpuf

  114. You’re so in love. Be prepared, (even though, you probably are already) to buy an unbelievable amount of unnecessary items that “She absolutely needs!”. Ex: “Yes, she needs an embroidered puppy tote from Lands End. She NEEDS it!” :))

  115. When I first saw the name, I thought it was a reference to the character Knives Chau on Scott Pilgrim vs the World! She was adorable and that’s an awesome name for your doggie!

  116. how about the full name Ginsu Knives. Ginny for short. We adopted a dead dog a few years ago and I wanted to call him Doorknob but it got vetoed

  118. Dorothy Barker is so cute…I believe it will be an instant mood uplifter…except for the cats. I suspect they are plotting ways to make Dottie look bad. Acting up by trashing the living room and blaming it on Dottie…I can just imagine the tricks they will play on her like AMBUSH. Chasing her through the house until she takes a stand and barks back. Will love pictures.

  121. My kids want a dog named “Bacon” for similar purposes. “When I got home from school, Bacon was waiting for me in the window.” “I slept with Bacon last night.” “I took Bacon for a walk.” “Bacon won’t stop licking my face.” They think they are hilarious.

  122. So much better than my husband’s “brilliant” suggestion of “my wife”

  123. My first dog was a beagle named Byte. My dad, being a bit of a nerd, thought it was cute to use a computer term (megabyte, gigabyte, etc.). He realized later that when he was trying to get the dogs attention, it would seem he was commanding the dog to bite! 🙂

  124. I live to read the comments on this blog. It is the only website where the comments give me faith in humanity having a heart and sense of humor.

  130. You and Victor can Forks and Spoons! But Hailey needs to get in on that too don’t you think? She can be Spork since she is a combo of her parents.

  131. When we rescued our late lamented fluffy kitty, the boys (my husband Jim and our friend Jeff, who was living with us at the time) wanted to name her Satan. Margene and i were both, ‘no, we are NOT holllering “Satan” outside for a lost animal unless it’s a big, black dog. Nope. Then they suggested Bob, which is an alternative for Satan. (“Biob’s your uncle!”) Nope, she’s a fluffy girl kitty.

    Then I had a huge lapse of judgement. I found my dictionary of Gods and Goddesses, handed it to them and said, “Here, if it’s a girl name, it will be okay.” They put their heads together and came back to us chuckling with their evil intent.

    She got named Badb Catha. Who is one of the sisters of the Morrigan (lots of things come in threes, war goddesses included). Or “Bob”, which is what she answered to forever.

  134. I forgot my favorite animal name ever: Peeve. You can always use the introduction, “This is is my pet, Peeve.”

  135. I named my dog Whiskey. She was awesome, AND I got to roam the neighborhood yelling “WHISKEY…WHIIIIIISKEEEEY!!” when she accidentally got out of the house. When my son started to talk, he shortened her name to “WeeWee” which was no less embarrassing to scream through the neighborhood.

  136. @Jess@NoPithyPhrase #41—that’s exactly what I was thinking!! Like Tony “Big Tuna” Accardo!

  137. Years ago, my mother was cat shopping at a local shelter and found an adorable little kitten that reached out through the bars of his cage to stop us as we were passing by. Instant love, that was the one. On the way home, the issue of names came up. I told her it didn’t matter what she called it, it was just going to end up being called ‘kitty’ anyway. Mom was pondering the name “Pitiful” because of his desperate reach out to grab us. Thus Pity got his name.

    Lovely cat. Loved to fetch & walked with a limp. Lived to torture the older cat in the house, who graduated to the name “Big Kitty” on his arrival.

    I think she should have gone with Knives.

  138. Haha Knives makes me think of the character from Scott Pilgrim vs The World 🙂

    I’m glad you chose Dorothy. Of course now you all have to dress as Wizard of Oz characters for Halloween 🙂

  142. Scissors. Your next dog must be named Scissors, and then you design a T-shirt “Runs with Scissors”

  143. Dang it! Late to the party! I was gonna go with Daisy Fay Barkanan. But Dottie is lovely. And when she is in “Knives” persona, you’ll have to be “Gun”. So if she’s ever in trouble, she can bring a gun to a knives fight!

  146. I hate to break this to you, but I recognize that look on your face. That’s pure love.

  147. Your dog and my youngest daughter have the same name. I dresses up as you for Halloween one year. These are all signs that we’re friends, creepy copycatting friends.

  148. Also- I have a dog named Bucket. Everytime my 3 year old yells “Come, Bucket” out the back door to call him in I break out in the giggles. I might be a terrible person. Just FYI.

  149. My husband named one of our dogs ignatz ratskiwatski. Our only small dog was a white mess named ebony piffle. I think Dorothy barker will be great, but nicknames are wonderful. I named a cat damnit when I was 14 so I could go outside and yell, “damnit, come here”. The cat answered to her name.

  150. Dear Jenny,

    Congratulations on the newest (living) addition to your household! My dog – named Emma after a certain Miss Woodhouse – is my first pet ever. She is the love and light of my life. She will turn 13 in April, meaning we have enjoyed 12 and a half wonderful years together. <3

  152. For realsies though CHAINSAW. It has been my dream to name a wee puppy (or kitty) Chainsaw because it so hilariously doesn’t go with their cute faces

  155. This has probably already been said but I feel that Knives is a name that best suits a shar pei. How about Tazer. For when she’s concealed in your bag.

  156. I don’t think I’d ever have to warn you not to run with Knives. You are too sensible to run with Knives.

  158. I’d love to have an animal named Matches, but my last name is Bush. That’d be a little TMI for the vet’s office.

  160. True story, I used to have a dog named Sticks. Sticks was bigger than Knives, of course. But I got plenty of strange looks telling people I had Sticks in the car. A lot of backing away went on. She passed away two years ago and I still miss her.

  162. So many things you could substitute for Knives! Poison, for instance. Or vampire bats. We could really have fun with this:).

  163. I just feel inadequate. You have amazing suggestions. I just wanted to tell you how cute that picture is, like you didn’t already see it. She is positively precious, and you look so freaking happy. It makes me all warm and smiley!

  164. We laughed for hours one night as we considered names for our next (long-term planning here) dogs… Help, Police, and Danger. Makes for much fun while playing with them at the dog park.

  165. I love Knives ! I bet everyone will want to play with Kinives ! (lol) Growing up I had a little dog that got into everything and refused to be house-trained. His name was really Winston but thanks to all the trouble he got into he thought his name was “Little Sh*t”

  169. We had a lovely little cat. We called her Taxi. You can figure out the rest.

  171. You could claim that she is named after the character from Scott Pilgram vs. the World, Knives Chau.

  173. My first thought was of Knives Chau from Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World. I’m such a geek :p
    Thank you for making my day a little sunnier in this snow-infested town of mine. (I’m not in Blizzard Central, but I am in It’s Effing Snowing Again, Ontario, Canada.)

  174. Your new puppy is so adorable! I love all the ways you can think of to use knives in a sentence 🙂

  177. A friend just introduced me to your blog and I just want to say thank you for writing and I’m so glad you are so darn funny. I’ve been struggling with depression (not sleeping, staring at the computer all day) and haven’t felt like picking up a book in over a month. I’ve ALWAYS loved reading…ALWAYS. I used to be a Children’s Librarian-that’s how much I love books. And finding this blog has made me giggle and giggle and I’m reading again and I think I’ll be able to pick up a book soon…

  178. CUTLERY! Say it intensely and you will scare peeps every bit as much as KNIVES!

  179. You should go by Guns because what family outing would be complete without Guns and Knives.

  181. My favourite line about naming a pet was in a Jilly Cooper book. It went something like:

    “Mummy named the cat Charity. That way when she was asked in interviews what she did when she wasn’t making albums or touring, she could honestly say “Well, I do a lot for charity”.”

  182. Come to think of it, going Dottie when trying to make a good impression makes her a perfectly assimilated member of the family, doesn’t it?

  183. Knives. You seriously kill me. That is awesome. I love the part where you hide in the dressing room with knives. ha ha. I like the comment that someone posted that you may not be able to fly with knives. 🙂 This blog and the comments made me happier this morning. Keep being you Jenny!!! When is your new book coming out???!!!!

  184. Dorothy “Knives” Barker, the perfect Mob name for your adorable puppy dog–congratulations!

  186. I once had a co-worker who named his dog Action. One evening he came home from work to find a note on his door from a neighbor that said, “I found Action in the street today.” Best note from a neighbor ever.

    Alternatively, it would be great to yell a name down the street in search of a roaming dog like “hey Lady!” in Jerry Lewis style. Or if you named her Mary Jane and she was lost you could call the police and tell them you need help in locating Mary Jane in your neighborhood.

    Sadly, all of the really fun scenarios involve the dog roaming or lost first. My husband is a cop and in the past year has had to assist a woman in a robe and slippers chasing her dog in morning traffic and just last week received a call about a possible domestic which was really a woman yelling for her dog to get its ass back in the house.

  189. I once had a dog named Toaster. One day I was in my backyard in my bathrobe hanging clothes on the line when I saw that there were new tenants in my building and they had left their back door open. (The previous tenants never did.) I also saw that my back door was open and Toaster was nowhere to be seen. Toaster was 85 pounds of pure, unrestrainable love and so I raced up the back steps, in through my new neighbors’ back door which opened directly on their kitchen, and screamed “Toaster!” I was then faced with a Vietnamese woman who had never seen me before and, it turns out, didn’t speak much English. I ran back out and there was Toaster peaking out of my back door. I went inside, closed the door, and didn’t see them again for a week.

  191. You could ramp it up a notch. You could “Samuel L. Jackson” the shit out of it. Just add MotherFucking to it. (Everything is better with a “motherfucking” added to it.)

    “I’d love to hear more about how Jesus Christ could be my Lord and Saviour, but my MotherFucking Knives needs to go do some business in the back yard. You can come if you want…”

  194. My S/O and I have talked about getting a dog and naming him/her Tittsan Ass. We think it we hilarious yelling that into the yard when we are 80. Now, I’m sad we didn’t consider Knives 🙁

  199. Sharp. There was a character in a book and series, named Richard Sharpe. Sean Bean played him, I suppose you could use Bean, but that might not be as threatening.

  200. So I had a friend that was in a wheelchair and she snuck her tiny dog in under her shirt (she didn’t want to leave the dog alone in the car). She said no one really bothered her because it kind of looked like she had a growth, and in her words “who’s going to ask a woman in a wheelchair about her tumor?” A little while later the dog started moving under her shirt. She said at first she was able to hide it with some well timed shifting, but then the dog started barking so she got caught for smuggling a dog into the store and was asked to leave.

    I thought it was the funniest story ever, and would’ve been even funnier if she had said “that’s just my Knives”

  204. “Can I bring knives with me?”

    “Would you like to come in and play with knives?”

    “What are we doing? Oh not much, my husband and I are just playing with knives right now..”

    Yes, this could work.

  205. I suppose you must know that Dorthy Parker was never able to housebreak any of her dogs mainly because she never bothered to try. She was small and fierce and loyal. I wish you the same with Miss Barker.

  207. When I was little we had a black cat (actually, more than one, but never at the same time) named Satan. I will admit, I did not know Satan was another name for the devil. But our very, very elderly neighbour did, and was apparently very worried for us children when we couldn’t find the cat, and would wander around the neighbourhood calling out ‘Satan! Come here, Satan! Come home, Satan!’

    I don’t know if Zelda ever did learn that Satan was our cat & not our saviour.

  209. Kay, I know that this is really late, but I only just thought of it last night… Barky Bartokomous.

  212. Very clever! We named our dog Danger. She’s a Golden Retriever who is as surprised as we are if she barks. My wife and I have joked what it would be like if Danger ever got off her leash and we had to chase her, into that park full of parents and their young kids, yelling her name.

  215. Coeur (heart in French) which also sounds like “cur”, an aggressive dog… twofer

  216. “My mother’s coat” as in “my mother’a coat wants to go out”

    Or “Woof” for the pure joy of calling for the dog in public.

  217. Great suggestions. You wanna cause a ruckus? Call it “terrorist” and go to the airport. Call it “Fire” and go anywhere and cause a ruckus

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